Got a couple of things for you. There's the local press reviews here.
And Malcolm's Zeitgeist tape.
Thank you. Oh, I just got a text from Malcolm.
He's thought up more ideas for pouring shit over you-know-who.
- Who? - Who?!
- Who's he pouring shit on? - Hewitt!
Oh, Hewitt. Sorry.
What is the Hewitt thing? What actually is it?
Everybody keeps saying, "Hewitt" and there's always laughing and smiling...
Right, OK, Hewitt, he was...
- You know? - You're gonna have to give me...
- With Kelly Grogan. - Oh, right!
No, er... Who's Kelly Grogan?
(Tuts) Kelly Grogan. She's the health correspondent at the BBC.
But more importantly, more importantly, until about...three months ago
she was Malcolm Tucker's...
Right. Oh, right.
- Oh, God, that's huge. That is huge. - That is huge.
I'm gonna be concentrating on how your man, Abbot,
can't do a single thing without focus groups.
Why don't you take your teacup full of sperm and get out of my light?
(Mobile)
(Sighs)
Hello?
- It's Malcolm, have I woken you? - Yeah.
Good. That fucker Hewitt's doing a focus group piece laying into Abbot.
I want you to fucking sit on it, smother it, bury it.
I don't want anyone to read it.
How the fuck am I meant to do that?
- Just bury it! Bury it. - What, face down?
(Mobile)
- Hewitt. - Hi. What time is it where you are?
- 2.45! - Oh, it's the same here.
So you haven't left the country then? Great.
We've given Angela Heaney the focus group story.
Everything.
Including the actress.
So I'm afraid your great big scoop is fucked. Have a pleasant night anyway.
Hey, what actress? Wh...?
So, could you read me that last paragraph?
"The over-use of focus groups is a sign of an embarrassingly weak department
- "that has run out of ideas." - No mention of Mary?
- Nowhere? - No.
- And in our damage limitation piece? - Absolutely everywhere.
Her Spotlight photograph and her full CV. You were right, she was in Midsomer Murders.
- Told you. - So not so much damage limitation,
more sort of giving damage free rein?
There's a cartoon of you here in the editorial section, talking to an actress.
You're dressed as a bishop for some reason.
It's not very good. They've had to put your name on the cassock.
It doesn't look like you at all.
- Can you get me a coffee, please? - Yeah.
Thank you.
Get with it! But never use that word, "with it"!
Never use that phrase, "with it".
- Be today, get there. - No, I am today now.
- You're "on the case”. - I'm-I'm-I'm...
Am...Am I "happening"? Is that all right?
You are "happening" only in an ironic sense, OK?
(Olly) You've got to be quite careful... Probably best to avoid...
On the ball but not setting the pace.
- I'm...I've got my hopes pinned on retro. - (Malcolm) "Retro"?
But you've got to look like you're being retro, not old-fashioned.
- It's a fine line. - Yeah.
Being retro is old-fashioned, it's not retro yet.
- It'll take about two years. - I think retro's coming back.
(Laughter)