高蒙电影 Gaumont
传奇电影 Légende
伊斯坦布尔机场
字母整理加工@阿拉李凡 射手网&网络
法语，要说法语。 French. Only French.
我不舒服。 淡定。 I not feel good. Calm.
像我这样。 想想其他的事情。 Do like me. Think other things.
比如看一下电影。 Watch film.
这是什么？ What is it?
一部飞机的电影。 A film about a plane.
挺有意思的。 非常有趣的。 It's interesting. Very interesting.
-你的餐点，先生。 -谢谢。 - Your meal, sir. - Thank you.
-请慢用。 -谢谢你。 - Enjoy. - Thank you.
女生们先生们，我们刚刚进入法国领空。 Ladies and gentlemen, we have just entered French airspace.
到时候了。 It's time.
女士们先生们，很不幸 Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately
由于空中交通管制员罢工 an air traffic controllers' strike
我们不能降落在巴黎机场。 has shut down the Paris airports.
我们降落在科西嘉岛的费加里 We have to land in Figari in Corsica.
那是是什么？- 什么？ -快走！ What the hell?- What now? - Move!
-快！ -你确定？ - Go! - You're sure?
刚才在黎波里为什么不说？ Why not Tripoli while you're at it?
刚回法国就遇到这倒霉事 We head back to France and the bullshit starts!
飞机餐也不好吃！ The meal was foul too!
丢人啊！ Shame on you!
-我的叉子！ -什么？ - My fork! - What?
我丢了我的叉子。 I lose my fork.
我自己上。 I go alone.
为什么不降落在尼斯？ Why not land in Nice?
尼斯机场因为峰会关闭了。 只能去科西嘉岛。 Nice is closed for a summit. It has to be Corsica.
我们要开始降落了， We're starting our descent. 什么事，先生？ Yes, sir?
我要上厕所。 I need the toilet.
来不及了了。 Too late. 谢谢你送餐具回来。 Thank you for the cutlery.
所有人都给老娘坐下！ All of you, sit down now!
赶紧系上安全带， 闭上嘴巴！ Fasten your seatbelts and clam up!
你不能这样对待我们！ You can't treat us like this!
创世的时候， When the world was created,
上帝决定创造一个最美的国度 God decided to invent the most beautiful country of all
把全世界所有的奇迹都放在那里 and put all of the world's wonders in it.
他把这个国度叫做 【 法国 】. . . He called that country... France.
为了不让其它国度感到被剥夺权利 But so that other countries wouldn't feel deprived,
上帝决定用法国人。。。 God decided to fill it with
填满那里 the French.
Vive La France 法 国 万 岁
但是首先让我解释一下 But first let me explain
我们到这的来由吧。 how we got here.
整件事要从 塔布里斯坦（地名）说起 It all began in Taboulistan,
它是中亚的一个袖珍国 a tiny Central Asian country
卡在阿富汗、吉尔吉斯斯坦 stuck between Afghanistan, Kirghizstan
和塔吉克斯坦中间 and Tajikistan.
事情是发生在 And it all began exactly
有一个小山村叫 in a small village called
卡其布鲁（地名） Kachtebrul.
这就是我，弗鲁兹。 This is me. Feruz.
他是木扎法 And that's Muzafar.
我们是半个兄弟。 We're half-brothers.
木扎法是我爸跟他表妹所生。 Muzafar is the son our dad had with his cousin.
就是那个长胡子的大妈。 The lady with the moustache.
每天早晨 Every morning
我们和女人们 with our women, we do
一起跳 塔布里斯坦 著名的传统舞蹈 the famous traditional dance of Taboulistan,
耳光舞！ the Tawa!
多么欢乐的舞蹈啊！ The dance of joy!
我们的国家叫塔布里斯坦 Our land is called Taboulistan
是一千年前发明的 because our greatest pride
已经有1千年的历史 is to have invented 1,000 years ago
原来的配方 the original recipe
塔布勒沙拉！ for tabbouleh!
小麦巧妙地融合， A skillful blend of grain,
香菜 parsley
西红柿 and tomatoes.
并不像大家想的那样，它不是黎巴嫩发明的 In spite of what people think, the Lebanese didn't invent it.
是那些走狗偷走了秘方！ Those dogs just stole the recipe!
从此，世人就忘记了我们的存在。 And, since then, the world has forgotten we exist.
联合国从来都不承认我们。 The UN has never recognized us.
我们的大头令很是生气，他叫哈达达德 And that bothers our Great Leader, Hadadad
瓦苏布罗。。。 Wassupbro...
一群白痴！ Idiots!
民主当选总统36年 ...democratically elected for 36 years.
失败者！ Losers!
没有哪个部长 能让我们的国家受到关注 Not one minister had managed to get our land noticed
直到有一天。。 until the day when...
加法拉兹*瓦苏布罗 Jafaraz Wassupbro,
我们大头领的儿子， son of our Leader,
一个革命性的主意！ had a revolutionizing idea!
恐怖主义。。。 Terrorism...
打广告！ as advertising!
他计划袭击 His plan was to attack
举世闻名的建筑物 the world's most popular monument...
艾菲尔铁塔！ The Eiffel Tower!
-弗鲁兹，去山羊！ - Feruz, watch the goats! -为什么是我？ - Why me?
就在今天， And it was that day,
正当木扎法和我闲聊的时候。。。 as Muzafar and I were chatting...
-我早该在你一生下来就淹死你！ - I should've drowned you at birth! -淡定，你这个老山羊， - Calm down, you old goat.
老山羊？ Old goat?
看到了带领我们去往。。。 saw the start of the adventure...
法国历险的开端 that led us to France.
早安。 Greetings.
小头领！ Little Leader!
瓦苏布罗小头领！ Little Leader Wassupbro!
淡定，轻点！ Calm down. Gently!
我们最初进了训练营中。 We were first sent to a training camp.
然后为了知己知彼。。。 And, to get to know our new enemy...
法国！ France!
我们开始学习 we started by learning
法语！ French!
这是10个最常用那个单词。 These are the 10 most frequently used words.
跟我念 Repeat.
你好。 Hello.
你好吗？ How you?
王八！ Basterd!
婊子！ Bisch.
混蛋！ Arzhole.
妈的 Fock.
鸟人。 Bommer.
狗屎！ Shite.
再见！ Goobye.
我们还钻研所有的文化差异。 We also studied all the cultural differences.
法国禁止男人 France is a land where men are deprived of the right
殴打女人。 to hit women.
在法国。 In France,
打女人是不允许的。 slapping women not allowed.
要是她们的嘴巴多怎么办？ But what happens if they speak?
听下去。 You listen.
见鬼！不可能！ Not possible!
不能这样对待我们！ You can't treat people like that!
要想渗入该国，我们就得改名换姓。 To infiltrate the country, we changed our identity.
这是你们的法国护照。 Your French passports.
至于你们。。。 For you...
加法拉兹给我们起了新的名字。 Jafaraz gave us new names.
我变成。。。 I became...
米歇尔！ Michel!
木扎法你变成。。。 And Muzafar became...
亚尼克！ Yannick!
而我呢， For me,
为了执行任务， for the mission,
我选了一个典型的法国名字。 I've chosen to use typically French name.
米歇尔 奎尔贝克 Michel Ouellebec.
我不喜欢米歇尔。 Don't like Michel.
我不喜欢米歇尔？ Michel no good?
埃林 奎尔贝克？ 我叫什么？ Alin Ouellebec. My name?
很好！ Better!
快一点！ Faster!
大点声！ Louder!
再快！ Faster!
我们就是这样成为 And that's how we became
RTT勇士的。。。 soldiers in the RTT...
塔布里斯坦 恐怖主义革命军！ Revolutionary Terrorists of Taboulistan!
准备驾机 ready to crash the plane of revenge
撞毁巴黎的艾菲尔铁塔！ into the Eiffel Tower in Paris!
经过9个月的苦练！ After 9 months in training,
我们被选上了！ we were the chosen ones!
我很骄傲的授予你们 I'm proud to award you
塔布里斯坦勇士勋章。 the Tabouli medal of bravery.
现在。。。 And now...
你们要动真格了。 you just have to do it for real.
真的？ For real?
我们是用遥控飞机... We do it with remote-control plane...
这么说我们会死吗？ That mean we die?
我不想死！ I not want die!
我不明白。 I not understand.
你说我们是 You say to us
国家英雄，而不是羊肉串。 we heroes of the nation. Not mutton kebab.
兄弟，这次行动， Brothers, with this mission,
你将要成为烈士了！ you're going to become martyrs!
你们要上天堂了！ You go to paradise!
上边很给力的 在安乐园里长生不老 It's wild up there. Eternal life in pleasure garden...
还有见面礼呢。。。 With welcome gift...
你知道，我可不急着去死。。。 You know, I'm not that keen on dying...
闭嘴！ Shut up.
我不想死。 I not want to die.
什么见面礼？ What's the welcome gift?
一般是基本套餐 Usually, the basic package
70个处女陪吃大餐。 is 70 virgins with all-you-can-eat buffet.
真有意思。。。 Pretty interesting...
你这么想？ You think so?
必须的。 You bet.
处女不一定是处女。 You can't be sure they're virgins.
确实。 True.
床技不好，色拉也做不好 No good in bed, no good for tabbouleh.
我要70个熟女。 I prefer 70 mature women.
-70个熟女， -我不能。 - 70 mature women. - I can't.
可我们要死死。 But we die.
最好的交易就是皆大欢喜。 Good deal is when we all happy.
好吧。。。 All right...
熟女加额外奖赏。 Mature women and a bonus gift.
电动剃须刀 Electric razor
旅行款的。 for travel.
这是电动的。。。 It's electric...
他说 He say
上边很给力。 it going to be wild.
有大餐可吃。。。 All-you-can-eat buffet...
有喝的吗？ With drinks?
当然有。 Of course.
可乐，柠檬汁。。。 Coke, lemonade...
奥兹汽水呢？ Oaziz?
经过一个月的长途旅行 And after a month traveling
我们到达杜尚别（塔吉克斯坦首都） to get to Dushanbe,
阿什哈巴德（土库曼斯坦首都） Ashgabat,
喀布尔（阿富汗首都） Kabul
最后到达伊斯坦布尔，（土耳其城市） and finally Istanbul,
最终我们坐上了这架飞机 we ended up on this plane that was bound
飞往法国巴黎的飞机 for Paris in France.
结果到了科西嘉的 Or rather Figari
费加里机场 in Corsica.
如果不到首次入境口， If you're not among the first to disembark,
那就要排队到死。 you wait forever.
警察在盯着我们。 Police look to us.
这护照不管用，往回走把。 Passports won't work. Turn back.
淡定！ Calm!
想我这样，故作天真 Do like me. Act innocent.
我不是我。 It's not me.
欢迎来到科西嘉。 Welcome to Corsica.
我们现在该怎么办？ What we do now?
我们执行B计划。 We do Plan B.
B计划是什么？ What's Plan B?
现在我们就是飞机! We plane now!
会好起来的。 It will be ok.
我们去巴黎。 We go Paris.
可以。把你们的包放到后备箱。 Sure. Put your bags in the trunk.
谢谢你！ Thank you!
-你去哪？ -小偷! - Where he going? - Thief!
骗子！ Crook!
很远吗？ Is it far now?
非常远。 我在地图上找不到科西嘉岛。 Very hard. I not find Corsica on map.
太阳在那儿 Sun there.
我们往那儿走。 We go there.
你好，老板。 Hello, merchant.
有什么事？ What's this?
我们想问去巴黎的路 We look way to Paris.
当我是什么人?导游？ What am I? A tour guide?
法国人不友好啊。 French not very nice.
这里不是法国！ This isn't France!
这里是科西嘉岛。 This is Corsica!
听不懂。 Don't understand.
想去巴黎就向后转。 For Paris, turn round
往北走 and walk north.
当你看到白痴们，你就到了！ When you see dickheads, you're there!
谢谢你！ Thank you.
你不能这样招待客人！ What a way to treat people!
这有个座位。 Have a seat.
别理我哥。 Just ignore my brother.
女流氓！ Female scum!
淡定。 Calm.
吃些什么吗？ Something to eat?
是的，老板娘。 Yes, madam merchant.
我们非常饿。。。 We very hungry...
香肠，杨奶酪，甜点？ Sausage, sheep's cheese, dessert?
不，要塔布勒沙拉（家乡口味） No, tabbouleh.
对不起，这不是黎巴嫩餐馆。 Sorry, this isn't a Lebanese restaurant.
塔布勒沙拉不是黎巴嫩的，是塔布里斯坦的。 Tabbouleh not from Lebanon, from Taboulistan.
什么地方？ Where?
怎么了？ What?
拿破仑！波拿马！给我追！！ Napoleon! Bonaparte! Attack!
费鲁兹 Feruz!
滚开！ Let go!
你在干什么？ What you do?
不是我的错。 Not my fault.
我们没时间瞎搞了! No time for that now. Come!
老子废了你们！ I'll waste you!
有人在吗？ Anyone here?
乡巴佬！ Village idiot!
你简直就像发情的山羊那样顽固！ You as hardheaded as horny goat!
为什么？ Why?
埃林是怎么说的？ What did Alin say?
他说不能打女人了。 He say not hit woman.
不然就麻烦大了！ If not, big problem!
下一次你听到女人说话， Next time you hear woman speak,
就当她是男人， imagine it man,
都一样，好吧？ that it's same. Ok?
不明白。 Not understand.
弗鲁兹。。。 Feruz...
给我的？ For me?
法国货。。。 France...
优雅。。。 Elegance...
时尚。。。 Fashion...
口袋。。。 Pockets...
你好，先生，我需要一些 Hello, m onsieur, I'd like...
芥末！ some mustard!
巴黎时尚。。。 Paris chic...
晚安，米歇尔。 Good night, Michel.
晚安，亚尼克。 Good night, Yannick.
明天进军巴黎！ Tomorrow... Paris!
昂热，怎么回事？ Ange, what is this?
你说这房子是空的！ You said it was empty!
我不知道。 I don't know.
邻居说的。 The neighbor said so.
干掉他们吧？ We waste them?
不，抓住他们！ No, grab them!
进去！ Get in!
他们有用处。 We can use them.
念这个。 Read this.
不老实念的话 Do it or you'll end up
脑袋就挂在国旗上！ with your heads on a flag too!
看着镜头！ To the camera!
大家好，我是弗朗索瓦 皮内特。 Hello, I'm François Pinete.
大家好 。 Hello.
我是克里斯蒂安 皮内特 I'm Christian Pinete.
要想让 We shall be
我们自由 freed in return
就要释放 for the release of...
我们的兄弟鲁克 多米尼克多尼科 our brothers, Jean-Luc Domenico,
保利 德 西内西 Paoli de Cinneci...
迪尼尼 Dinini.
杜米 Doumé!
别哭了。 Stop crying.
他们一点都不像那两兄弟兄弟 They're nothing like the brothers.
你们是被胡子迷惑了 The moustaches are fooling you.
不好意思，他们俩阿尔萨斯口音的。 Sorry to insist but they have Alsatian accents.
让我看看。 Let me see.
一点不像、 Nothing like them!
你们是谁，伙计？ Who the hell are you, guys?
米歇尔 普拉蒂尼 Michel Platini.
亚尼克 诺亚 Yannick Noah.
老子不是傻子 ！ I'm not fucking stupid!
你到底是谁？ Who are you?
-谁？ -不要开枪！ - Who? - Not shoot!
我们是恐怖分子。我们痛恨法国。 We terrorists too. We hate French.
我们一般也做恐怖活动 不是对立的。 Usually, we do terror, not opposite.
不要开枪！ Not shoot!
恐怖分子！ Terrorists!
闭嘴。 Shut up.
闭嘴！ Shut up!
你们的任务是什么? What's your mission?
在法国帝国主义发动自杀式袭击！ Suicide attack on French imperialism!
自杀式炸弹？ Suicide bombers?
不！ No!
自杀式炸弹！ Suicide bombers!
我叫你小声点 没用的家伙 I told you to keep quiet, you wimpy goat!
杜米，过来! Doumé, come here!
- 干掉他们，别闹了。 - Let's waste them. - Cut it out.
他们不是房东！ They're not the owners!
他们是难民，也许从科索沃货摩纳哥。 They're refugees. Maybe from Kosovo or Monaco.
帮帮他们。 Help them.
我们决定帮助你们。 We've decided to help you.
真的？ For real?
是的。 Yes.
团结一致 Solidarity.
谢谢你 Thank you!
塔布里斯坦谢谢你们。 Taboulistan thank you.
太阳在这，我们去这。 Sun there. We go there.
这是我第一次看到大海。 This first time I see the sea.
挺有意思吧。 It's interesting.
弗鲁兹。。。 Feruz...
着火了！ Fire!
先生。。 Sir...
先生，听到我说话吗？ Sir, can you hear me?
你还好吗？ Are you ok?
来喝点水。 Here, this should help.
米歇尔。。。 Michel...
起来，米歇尔！ Wake up, Michel!
起来 Wake up!
这，拿着这个。 Here, take this.
我们在天堂 了吗？ Are we in paradise?
这是地狱！ This is hell!
走开，魔鬼！ Away, demon!
没关系。 It's all right.
这不是埃林口中的西方。 This not West as Alin described.
太可怕了。我要回家。 This horrible. We must go back home.
不，我们要继续执行任务。 No, we continue mission.
你错过艾菲尔铁塔了！ You lose Eiffel Tower!
太阳在那，去那 Sun there, we go there!
现在怎么办？ What now?
我全身是伤。 I hurt everywhere.
都是你的错。 Is all your fault. 我饿了，我渴了，我累了！ I hungry, I thirsty and I tired!
赶紧走， Move it.
一直走。 Always move it.
不，我累了，我要在这休息！ No, I hurt! I stay here!
好吧，你自己呆在这吧。 Fine, you stay here alone.
我继续，塔布里斯坦望着我们。 I carry on. Taboulistan counting on us.
老子照顾你都烦死了！ Sick of taking care of you!
直直开，不然我晕车。 Drive straight, feel sick.
真不知道什么更气人？是你还是法国？ What piss me off more? You or France?
别抱怨了。 Stop complain.
你需要我。 You need me.
我们是分不开的。 We two inseparable.
就像羊倌离不开母羊。。。 Like goatherd and nanny goat...
妇女离不开小胡子 Women and moustaches...
小孩离不开手榴弹。。。 Children and hand grenades...
就像爱情和绵羊。。。 Love and sheep...
法国真漂亮！ France is beautiful!
耶。。。 Yeah...
【清洁工大罢工】 Refuse collectors on strike!
马上下车 Get out now.
走那边 That way.
开火！ Fire!
怎么了？ What this?
打仗啦！快跑！ It's war! Run!
弗鲁兹！ Feruz!
你真把他们揍扁了 You really laid into them!
真是一群窝囊废！！ What a gang of losers!
我们废掉他们啦！ We demolished them!
这里的女人打男人！ Women hit men here!
这个国家真是疯了！ They crazy in this country!
我们去和茴香酒 Let's grab a pastis.
那里满是性爱炸弹。 The place is full of sex bombs.
炸弹？ Bombs?
全是炸弹！ Packed with bombs!
我们一快去，去买些炸弹。 We go with them. We can buy explosive.
这里的恐怖分子真多。。。 Lot of terrorists here...
托尼，什么情况？ Tony, how's it going?
他们带我们带进鸡窝酒吧。。 They bring us to a prostitutes' bar.
看这裙子 Look at skirt
屁股都要露馅了。 on edge of bush.
这可不好。 This not good.
不，不好。 No, not good.
托尼，所有人都上茴香酒。 Tony, pastis all round.
- 干活真口渴。 - 口渴。 - Thirsty work. - Thirsty.
法国打仗了？ Is there war on in France?
在法国？ In France?
这不是法国，这里是马赛！ This isn't France, dipstick!
这是马赛！ This is Marseilles!
这不是法国？ It's not France?
不，我们与众不同。 No, we're different.
我们喜欢这。 We have it all.
阳光，大海。。。和朋友们！ Sun, sea... and buddies!
周围的的朋友们！ Buddies all around you!
这里真热。 It's hot here.
拿起你的武器！ Grab your weapons!
我们马赛的朋友们！ We're the Marseilles guys!
我们一定赢！ And we're going to win!
你想找死？ Looking to die?
为什们穿巴黎队的球衣？ What's that Paris soccer shirt?
想挨揍啊，小子？ Want a beating, bud?
滚出去！ Fuck the hell off!
鸟人！ Motherfuckers!
为什么大家都说“鸟人”什么意思？ Why everyone say "motherfucker"? What it mean?
就像你好啊，鸟人。 It's like "hi" or "hello". Motherfucker.
- 鸟人 - 什么？ - Motherfucker. - What?
喂，屌毛，是不是小看我们？ Hey, fuckwad, you dissing us?
不，不是小看 No, no dissing.
回家找妈妈去吧，小鬼。。 Go home to mommy, children.
小鬼？你才他妈回家呢！ Children? You fuck off home!
我们要在这里屠杀巴黎人！ We massacre Parisians here!
我也想屠杀巴黎人！ I want to massacre Parisians too!
闭上你的臭嘴！ Shut your mouth!
马赛最牛！ Marseilles rules!
滚粗巴黎！ Fuck Paris!
我们在哪？ Wher are we?
我们在医院。 We in hospital.
他们照顾周到。 They look after you good.
医学冠军！ Medicine champions!
你睡昏了3天！ But you sleep three days.
赶紧吃。 You must eat.
快点，这是好东西。酸奶。 Come on, this good. It yogurt.
先生们。。。 Gentlemen...
我带来了好消息。 I have some good news.
我们顺利摘除了你的肾脏。 We removed your kidney with no trouble.
肾？ Kidney?
他是鼻子。。。 It was his nose...
他的鼻子？ His nose?
鼻子。 Nose.
- 克里斯泰。。。 - 医生？ - Christelle... - Doctor?
他的病例。 His file.
- 肾是什么？ - 没事。 - What's "kidney"? - Nothing.
糟 糕！ Shit!
怎么回事？ What happened here?
我可没嗑药。 I wasn't on intake.
是一颗肾脏。 It's a kidney...
肾？ A kidney?
- 我放假了。 - 放假？ - I was off. - Off?
对，我放假了！ Yes, I was off!
你才不是呢 你每次都这么说！ You weren't. You say that every time!
别吵了！ Cut it out!
对不起，我们犯了一个错误。 I'm sorry, we made a mistake.
我们摘掉了一颗肾脏。 We took a kidney
而不是治好你的鼻子。 instead of mending your nose.
你有病！ You sick!
别紧张，没事！ Calm down, ok!
一颗肾也照样能活。 You can live with one kidney.
我只有一个睾丸 照样我生龙活虎。 I only have one testicle and I manage fine.
是啊！ Yes!
我的肾。。。 My kidney...
拿回来。 Give it back.
那祝你好运。 Good luck.
从理论上说, Technically,
它已经不再是你的了。 it's no longer yours.
- 是！ - 不是。 - It is! - No.
它现在在巴黎。 It's in Paris,
用来救一个老太太。 to save an old lady.
还我的肾！ Give kidney!
你没有证件或者医疗保险。 Without documents or medical insurance,
能找回来算你命好！ good luck getting it back!
如果72小时内找不到 If it's not done within 72 hours,
你的肾就长毛了。 your kidney is better flambéed with mushrooms!
你还有心思开玩笑啊！ You're making fun now!
肮脏的江湖医生！ Filthy charlatan!
他的肾没了， 你还在开玩笑！ You joke, he no kidney!
我只是想帮帮 而已。 I'm just trying to help.
如果这是你的态度，我走了。 If that's your attitude, I'm gone.
我的肾！ My kidney!
去给山羊挤奶吧。 Go milk billy goats!
我要我的肾！ I want my kidney!
带你这两只母羊吃草去吧！ And go munch grass with your two nannies!
我的肾！ My kidney!
我要我的肾！ I want my kidney!
我的肾。 My kidney.
你好。 Hello.
对不起，刚才听了你们的事 我很是吃惊 Sorry but I'm shocked by what I just heard.
我是玛丽安 布维 I'm Marianne Bouvier.
这太粗鲁了。 It's outrageous.
我的节目《深入调查》你听说过？ I'm with "In Depth". Heard of it?
估计没有。 Probably not.
我正在医院报道大事。 I'm reporting on hospitals
我真的想帮你 and I'd really like to help you.
别再演 特蕾莎修女了。 Not the Mother Teresa act again!
- 什么？ - 够了。 - What? - Enough.
我一会回来。 I'll be right back.
快点，弗鲁兹，我们走 Come on, Feruz, let's go. Hurry.
我们不能错过这件事。 We can't miss out on this.
我不能这么做，玛丽安。 I can't do it, Marianne.
我在法国北部 I have a shoot
还有拍摄工作呢。 up in northern France.
是事业者的。 With the unemployed.
如果我们把他们的事情报道出去， 会对他们有帮助的。 If we tell their story, it'll help them.
如果你想浪费时间 If you want to spend your time
为弱者拼命，那就轻便吧。 fighting for the weak, be my guest.
摄影机。 The camera,
车钥匙 巴黎见。 the van keys. See you in Paris.
好，你走吧，滚蛋！ 反正你浪费空间！ Sure, go ahead, piss off. You waste of space!
你要去哪？ Where are you going?
女流氓 Female scum!
别担心，我不是移民局的。 Don't worry, I'm not with Immigration.
我会帮你们把肾要回来的。 I'll get your kidney back.
我们不要肾脏！ We not need kidney!
我要我的肾！ I want my kidney...
天堂有70个呢， You'll get 70 of them in paradise.
就算等死也要个全尸 I ready to die but only with all my parts!
没有人会死，我们会拿回来。 No one's going to die. We'll get it back.
我可以送你们到巴黎。 I'll drive you to Paris if I have to.
- 巴黎？ - 艾菲尔铁塔！ - Paris? - Eiffel Tower!
你带我们去巴黎？ You can take us Paris?
当然，我的车在外面，跟我来。 Of course. My car's right outside. Follow me.
女人还会开车？ A woman with a car?
法国人都疯了。 The French are crazy.
我们跟着她，很容易。 We follow her. It's easier.
坏主意快来。 Bad idea coming here.
- 想不想搭车去巴黎 - 想。 - Want a ride to Paris? - Yes.
那就相信我。 Then trust me.
你还没看过法国好的一面呢。 You haven't seen the good side of France yet.
这是一片仁慈的土地，到处都是好心人。 It's a just and humane land, full of understanding people...
- 夫人好。 - 小姐好。 - Hello, ma'am. - Miss.
44号 Number 44.
说来听听吧。 I'm listening.
有重大医疗事故 。 There's been a terrible medical error.
他的肾脏被错摘。 His kidney was removed by mistake
现在他想赶在移植前索回。 and he'd like it back before it's transplanted.
我要我的肾！ I want my kidney!
这是ＳＭＭ 严重医疗事故 Serious Medical Malpractice.
你们要在检察官那里申诉 You have to file a complaint with the public prosecutor,
adding the victim's medical file 加上受害者的病例
当事医生写的那本 obtained from the doctor in question,
还要一封澄清投诉的信件 and a letter justifying the complaint,
说明为何要索回肾脏 why you want the kidney back.
之后 After that,
就要提起民事诉讼民事诉讼 you'll need to launch civil action
要求赔偿损失。。。 and submit your complaint for compensation...
但是。。。 But...
补偿办公室 The compensation office
下午４点下班，就是５分钟后的事。 closes at 4 PM, in other words in 5 minutes.
明天是节日。 Tomorrow is a holiday,
周五放假。 they'll take Friday off,
一直到周末。 then the weekend
周一有罢工 and a strike on Monday.
周二早上继续上班 Go on Tuesday morning.
他们工作非常忙碌 Early as they're very busy
进度非常缓慢 and pretty slow.
应该要４，５年才能解决 It should take 4 or 5 years to settle.
好了 All right.
再见 Goodbye.
没门！ No way!
我们要担保他能索回 We want a guarantee he'll get it back!
不然怎样？ Or what?
我现在就要我的肾 I want my kidney now!
我要我的肾 Give me my kidney
不然就把你的肾给我，你这老母羊 or you give your kidney to me, old nanny goat!
淡定 Calm down!
保安 Security!
干什么？ What?
把你的肾也给我 Give me your kidney too!
放开我，我又没把你怎样 Give me break, I did nothing to you.
冷静点 Calm down!
他们才是受害者！ They're the victims!
乱摘别人的肾脏可是丑闻啊！ It's a scandal, taking kidneys from people!
他们有证件吗？ They have documents?
－没有 －这么说是无证了 - No.- Undocumented then?
好了，他们要进拘留中心 Right, they're off to the holding center.
什么？ The what?
没有泳池和游客的第几层 A resort without a pool or turista.
－ 只有外国人。 － 请！ - Only foreigners. - Please!
我的肾 My kidney...
起来 Stand up!
你们疯了！他这么痛苦！ You're crazy! He's in pain!
好了。 Sure.
我们都知道这种吉普赛花样 We know all these gypsy tricks
假装残疾，坐着轮椅 with their fake chairs and limbs.
－这个中心在哪？ －北边 - Where is the center? - Up north.
在图卢兹 In Toulouse.
不要担心！ Don't worry!
我一定就出你们，我保证 I'll get you out, I promise.
我不会辜负你们的 I won't let you down!
对马里奥和路易吉，我们无法确认你们的身份 Right, Mario and Luigi, we can't verify your identities
所以你们会被遣返回国 so you'll be deported to your home country.
完了，结束了 That's it, it's all over.
我的肾没戏了 My kidney's gone for good!
去你的肾，我们给祖国蒙羞了。 Screw your kidney! We've brought shame on our land.
我们会被处死，上不了天堂 We'll be executed, we won't go to paradise!
你们听懂了？ You understand me?
当然懂了，我们会法语． Absolutely. We speak French.
好，那就省事了，是什么国家？ Good, that'll save time. What country then?
塔布里斯坦 Taboulistan.
什么玩意？塔布里斯坦？我没听说过啊？ Seriously? Does it exist? I never heard of it.
在阿富汗塔吉克斯坦吉尔吉斯斯坦中间 Between Afghanistan, Tajikistan and Kirghizstan.
全都是 斯坦！ Give me an in-stan to type it!
你们的国家连谷歌地图上都没有 You're not even on Google Maps.
只有街尾的黎巴嫩餐馆 The only result is a Lebanese restaurant up the road.
我们不是黎巴嫩人！ We not Lebanese!
由于没有引渡条例，所以会很快送你们处境 There's no extradition treaty so we'll ship you off fast.
好了，有去巴格达的飞机 Here we go... A flight for Baghdad
明天早晨 tomorrow morning.
巴格达？ Baghdad?
我们不是阿拉伯人，是塔布人 But we not Arabs, we Tabouls.
没有大胡子，只有小胡子 No beard, only moustache.
都一个鸟样。 Same difference.
不一样！差三千公里呢 - Not same! - 3,000 km away!
跑跑步对你们有好处 A hike will do you good.
你们可以打电话找你们的部落 You can call your tribe
在那边，欢迎来到地中海俱乐部 just over there. Welcome to Club Med.
去巴格达？ Baghdad?
我们去巴格达干什么？ What become us in Baghdad?
埃林？我是亚尼克 诺亚 Alin? It's Yannick Noah.
五天查无音信 Five days without news!
我很生气，你这卑鄙小人 I very angry, you filthy trashcan hound!
现在我听到什么了？你们还活着？ Now I hear what? You still alive?
我甚至更生气了！ I even more angrier!
不是我们的错，是飞机没去巴黎 It not our fault. Plane not go to Paris.
警察拘捕了我们 Police arrest us
要把我们送回去 and send us back.
住口！ Shut up!
我那我的命发誓，如果你们空手回来 I swear on my life of mine, if you come back here
艾菲尔铁塔还在 and Eiffel Tower standing,
我就对一个老人不客气 I unleash hell on an old gentleman
我去你的村２把她接来了 I go to fetch from your village...
对，爸爸！ Yes, Dada!
打招呼吧，老爹 Say hi, Dada.
你好 Hi.
你好，爸爸 Hi, Dada!
我带他出来透透气，他脸色太苍白了 I bring him to get air, he was too pale.
你真好，埃林 Very kind, Alin.
去走走吧，老爹 Take walk, Dada.
向右转 Turn right!
要是你忧郁的话，你老爸可能就躲不过子弹了 If you hesitate, Dada not always miss bullets.
明白吗？ Get it?
我就靠你了 I count on you.
再见，埃林 Goodbye, Alain.
拿着，给你的 Take it, for you.
这是什么？钱 - What's that? - Money.
500块
我们不想去巴格达了 We not go Baghdad.
拿开 Put that away.
你当我是什么人？ Who do you think I am?
在法国我们是有伦理观的 We have ethics here in France.
伦理观？ Ethics?
什么是伦理观？ What's ethics?
不知道 No idea.
不过。。。 Then again...
也许有别的办法。。。 there may be another way...
好吧。。 All right...
今天是小鳄鱼的生日弗拉格达 It's Croc-Croc's birthday and Fragada
给他送来礼物 brings him his present.
过来 Come here.
你也撕 You too.
很好，你真好看 You're good, you devils.
现在是派对时间了 It's party time.
你们要尽情想了 You're having fun.
开始跳舞 Start dancing.
你挑，不然去巴格达 Do it or you're off to Baghdad!
跳！ Dance!
这样我可不跳舞 I can't dance in this!
快点！弗鲁兹！ Come on, Fragada!
不要说了，赶紧跳吧 Stop talking and dance.
不要那样跳！ Not like that!
要有肉欲！ Make it more sensual!
互相磨蹭 Rub against each other.
这样好吧？不好 - This is good, huh? - No.
你真软。。。 You're so soft...
还有你。。。 And you...
你问起来像草莓 You smell of strawberries.
真恶心 It's disgusting.
不，不恶心，这样很天然 No, it's not disgusting, it's natural.
晚上好啊 Good evening.
今晚真热，你说呢？ It's so hot this evening, don't you think?
哥哥。。。 Officer...
我不热，有空调 I'm ok, I have air-con.
太好了。。 Great...
小鳄鱼不喜欢你们的礼物 Croc-Croc doesn't like your present.
你们闯了这么多祸。。。 You went to so much trouble...
打他 So spank him.
这怪怪的 This is weird.
你才怪怪的，快做！ You're weird. Do it!
我不想打他，快打！ - I don't want spank him. - Spank!
快点，节奏快没了！ Come on, we're losing the rhythm!
打呀！ Spank!
打给淘气的小鳄鱼看 Show naughty Croc-Croc!
你想打吗？很好 - You want spank? - That's good!
我打，你想要吗？ I spank, you want that?
不，这也太让人困惑了 No, it's too confused.
困惑，他说！ Confused, he said!
可是你 But you're the one who...
你想要什么？一巴掌吗？ This what you want? Spank?
太精彩了 This is fantastic.
继续，我去叫龙卷风来 Carry on, I'll get Tornado.
停！ Stop!
上啊！ Come on!
快点！ Hurry!
叫你的上司来我要跟他说话 Fetch your superior now so I can explain!
如果他们１０分钟内得不到医生的检查 If they're not examined by a doctor in 10 minutes,
他们就悲剧了 it's a tragedy for them
这是我的责任！懂了吗？ and the job line for you! Get it?
女士，老实跟你说吧，其实 Madam, I'll be frank with you, totally frank...
我才不管那么多 I don't give a shit.
我不鸟你 I really don't give a shit.
门都没有 Not even one little turd!
再见，天气播报员！ See you, weather girl!
谁来惩罚淘气的鳄鱼先生和弗拉格达？ Who's going to punish naughty Croc-Croc and Fragada?
龙卷风 Tornado!
混蛋 The bastards...
难以置信！ I don't believe it!
你们上哪了？ Where the hell are they?
你最好整晚工作 You'd rather work all night then!
你不能这样对我！ You can't do this to me!
去他妈的不能！ The hell I can't!
该死的。。。 Screw this...
我是伯纳德。两个人跑了。 It's Bernard. Two of them got away.
我去换衣服马上来 Let me get changed and I'm on my way.
那边！ There!
太好了 Great...
妈的！ Shit!
玛丽安布维 Marianne Bouvier?
你怎么在这？ What are you doing there?
玛丽安 布维！救救我们！ Marianne Bouvier! Help us!
爬出来！ Climb out!
不行，太快了！ No, too fast!
快跳啊！ Come on, jump!
我们会死的！ It kill us!
坚持住！ Hold on!
看看哪个混蛋！ Look at that asshole!
那是什么？ 刹车！ - What the fuck? - Brake!
你这个疯婆子！ You're fucking crazy!
你又忘记仍我家垃圾了 You forgot my trash again.
你想死吗？ You nearly killed us for that?!
拜托，我走了那么远的路。 C'mon, I w orked the distance out.
这次要不是我，你就走不了路了 If it was up to me, you'd never drive again.
还不是因为有你这种人，地球快死了！ Thanks to you, the planet's dying!
我做了我的份 I do my bit.
我给我的分类了，现在做你的份去 I sort my trash. So do yours.
这是可循环利用的 It's recyclable.
疯婆子。。。 Crazy bitch...
我们办到了！ We did it!
成功了？是的！ - We did it? - Yes!
怎么穿成这样？ What's with the outfits?
说来话长。 It's complicated.
你怎么在门口？ Why were you on the gate?
我住在附近，出来买糖 I live nearby. I ran out of sugar.
你住在监狱附近？ You live near prison?
不，混蛋,我是来接你们的 No, dummy, I was coming to get you.
我得把你们给弄出来 I had to get you out.
谢谢你 Thank you.
怎么称呼？ What called?
玛丽安布维！ Marianne Bouvier!
现在我们去巴黎！ And now we go Paris!
收容所发生逃逸事件 An unusual escape from the holding center.
2名非法移民 Two Pakistani illegals managed to get away
穿着兔子和蜈蚣的衣服 dressed as a rabbit and a centipede.
公报没有指明当时警卫是否喝酒 The communiqué doesn't say if the officers were drunk.
这两名逃逸者就在图卢兹附近 The two fugitives are believed to be somewhere near Toulouse.
现在我们继续播放音乐 And now, back to the music.
Good morning. Time for some music
with Charles Trenet...
Good morning.
Sweet France
Dear land of my childhood
Lulled by tender, carefree days
I've kept you in my heart
My village
Look!
Lts steeple, its peaceful homes
Where children of my age
Shared those happy times
Yes, I love you!
And I give you this poem...
This is it?
We in Paris now? That Notre-Dame?
No, not yet.
We're stopping in St Cirq-Lapopie in Dordogne.
Marianne, we must go Paris!
Chill, Ninja Turtle!
You're wanted.
So we're avoiding freeways and tolls.
We have to be more discreet, ok?
- We wanted? - Yes, we wanted.
You'll get noticed, looking like terrorists
in Care Bear suits!
We not terrorists!
Not terrorists, no!
Why flags everywhere?
It's Bastille Day.
The national holiday
to celebrate the Revolution.
They cut off the king's head.
You cut head off your Great Leader?
Celebrate a cut head every year?
It's a bit weird.
We mainly celebrate the values born that day.
Liberty, equality and fraternity.
I have right of way!
Learn to drive, bitch!
Come here and say that!
Come on!
Yeah, fuck off! Go home to mommy, loser!
- Move! - Sorry...
Asshole!
I think I begin understand...
Here, woman is like man.
I told you.
What?
Pretty village.
Very interesting.
My aunt has a house here. No one will bother us.
And I'm starving. Aren't you?
Yes, eat!
Look how handsome they are now they're clean!
Marianne,
you found them at the Gay Pride parade?
Very classy!
Here's to me!
Mind out.
Truffle omelet,
escargots with parsley, foie gras and gizzard salad.
Thanks, Nanette!
This will cheer you up after all your troubles.
- Female scum! - Enjoy it. Dig in.
Try with cutlery!
Forget it.
It's good.
Without the shell,
they're even better.
Better without shell.
Use cutlery!
Like this!
Listen up, people,
this wine is pure nectar.
God may have created water,
but man made St Emilion.
You're in for a treat.
Stand up, everyone.
To the mailman,
his moped
and the jerks waiting for him!
Cheers!
In the eyes!
Glass in the eyes?
Look into the other person's eyes or it's bad luck
and you'll go to hell.
No, I go paradise.
In the eyes!
I feel overcome
by powerful feeling of harmony...
As if someone put in glass
concentrated happiness...
More!
Let's get serious now.
Nanette's sausage and bean hotpot!
With cutlery.
Well?
Very good.
- Isn't it? - Very, very good.
In the eyes!
Is it good?
Very good.
Don't give them any more drink...
Long live grape juice!
France best cooking in world!
Just a second, Moustache Man, this isn't France.
It's not France yet?
When's France?
This is the Southwest.
Yes, it's different.
Here we have fun, we live...
- We have big hearts. - And huge balls!
We have Cantal, Brie and goat's cheese.
Poor Dada.
Thank you. Best eating in all my life.
Thank you, Marianne, but now
we must go Paris.
Not just yet.
After the feast, we fight the flab.
Fight who?
This game is weird.
Marianne, what we do here?
- We must leave! - Just a minute.
You can't refuse.
Go eat stones!
Run!
To the left!
He's one of us
He's soiled his shirt like the rest of us
Muzafar, rugby's new man
Despite his tiny organ
Pin dick!
Marianne!
Marianne, enough!
Stop now!
Enough. I want to go Paris.
One last drink and we'll go.
Do you know Armagnac?
Don't know it.
There's nothing stronger.
Waiter! Three Armagnacs.
Wait. In the eyes!
Again!
It's...
- It's interesting. - Yes.
- Even so... - It's not very strong.
No, it's not strong.
That's Bastille Day!
- France... - Fashion...
You look like a chicken.
I want to eat you.
Look at me.
A photo!
Come dance!
No, I not know how dance this.
I prefer watch you.
Feruz...
I must tell you...
I must tell you something too.
I love you, Muzafar.
I going to give you little kiss!
Don't touch, that's bad!
What you want to say?
Feruz...
I love you too.
We show them what dance is!
It's the Tawa!
That much?
I thought that was the date!
I'll teach you another great French tradition.
The dine and dash.
What is?
Well...
First you drink...
Then you take your things...
And then... you run!
Marianne!
Hey, you!
That's Bastille Day!
We did it!
We lose him!
Where we go?
What you do?
A midnight dip!
Come on in!
I already do sport today.
Come on!
I not know how swim.
Come on...
It's not deep.
It's interesting.
I have one last French specialty to show you...
You have?
What is it?
It's called a "ménage à trois".
I'm too tired to manage anything.
Three managers work faster.
Many hands make light work.
That's true.
Room service.
Uncle found us a car. They may be looking for my van.
I'll just say goodbye.
Ok, you lovebirds?
Get moving!
Feruz, wake up. We must go Paris. Dress!
Good morning.
Not good morning!
We must finish job.
- Can't we stay a while? - No!
Why not?
It's nice here.
I know.
What you do?
Call now. She not here.
Not with her phone!
Hello?
You wet goat!
Who is it?
I didn't mean you.
It's Yannick. We soon arrive in Paris.
Why you not in Paris yet?
It very complicated here.
We not even know if we in France.
But we find very kind woman.
You think you there to go to dancing party?
Hang up, she come back!
For explosives,
metro La Courneuve 10 sharp tomorrow.
10 sharp, La Courneuve.
You explode Tower at 13 hours.
13 hours the Tower.
Or Dada no longer
miss bullets.
No, not Dada.
I count on you.
- Don't do... - Repeat please.
Hang up!
Stop!
Ready?
What's wrong?
5 hours with you is going to be fun.
Let's go.
These will help.
Perfect.
White line!
Shit! The cops!
- You not stop! - Or we charter Baghdad!
Ok, I know!
Drive!
Turn right!
Do something!
Calm down! Are they there?
Yes! No! I don't know!
Broken.
Uncle won't be pleased...
Lost. We never arrive in Paris.
All because of her!
Stop shouting Marianne.
She try help us.
We should never have trusted woman.
Drop the Middle Ages attitude!
Female scum.
They find us?
They armed? They kill us?
No, they're hunters.
They only shoot birds, not people.
Hello, gentlemen.
We wanted to take a short cut
but we got lost.
Do you know if anyone could help us?
Nothing.
It's nothing.
Ok...
Thank you very much.
Savages!
I didn't understand a word.
I think he called Cazenave
to ask if garage open.
He say garage open and come in 20 minutes with tow truck.
Are you making progress on the attack?
Yes, Dad. A minor hitch but nothing serious.
I hope not.
Stop!
I need to pee.
Come on.
Come here!
Yes, Dad?
Remember your brothers
Maruf and Ouloukbek?
No, Dad. I never knew them.
Exactly.
That's because they disappointed me.
So don't disappoint me too.
Get lost now!
Get lost!
Hermet, pack the bags.
- Your bags? - Our bags!
We're taking a trip.
You can't count on anyone.
Here you are.
This is it.
Welcome to Paris.
Paris!
We'll go to the hospital first thing tomorrow.
Don't worry, we'll make it.
Make yourselves at home.
I'm going to... a short break... because...
It's so...
Stop!
What you do?
Come.
But...
We are the RTT.
You now.
Go on, give me hate!
We claim responsibility...
We claim responsibility for attack on Eiffel Tower
on July 16th at 13 hours!
What you do?
What you do? Come back!
What is it, Feruz?
I not really understand what we do here.
Yesterday, I have incredible day.
It's true.
I not want paradise up there now.
I want to live down here.
And live in shame?
For betraying your country, your village
and your family?
We have no choice.
We must finish mission.
What mission? His plan sucks.
Plan A, Plan B...
Exploding people by exploding yourself.
That's shame.
All for a leader we put up with for 36 years now!
I want no more leader!
Cut off his head!
I want
to eat snails,
drink grapes.
I not want explode myself.
I want to have blast!
You let Marianne influence you.
Remember what they did.
You like losing kidney?
No.
And Fragada...
Was that blast?
No way.
So?
I feel more alive here
in one day than in rest of my life.
Coward!
I finish mission alone.
Martyr...
Shame on you, Feruz.
Shame on you.
Muzafar...
Yannick?
Kevin. Move your ass!
Climb on.
Don't take forever.
You don't look like a Yannick.
I am. Yannick Noah.
I'll see how it's going.
Sit here.
I'll come and fetch you.
Ok.
Here you go.
What do you fancy?
Kevin! Set the table!
Just a sec, Mom, I'm working!
Hungry? You like veal olives?
I don't know.
If you're hungry or you like that?
I don't know.
What d'you need?
Explosives.
Man, you're making my day!
You lucky fucker, I'm doing an offer on Semtex.
The terrorist explosive.
10 of these will down the Eiffel Tower.
I want 10!
10? Treating yourself?
No problem.
You won't regret it.
This stuff sells like hot cakes.
It's wild.
Need it gift-wrapped?
No, it's for me.
Ready-to-wear?
Respect, man.
Martyr.
Take a look at this...
The suicide bomber vest. Fully adjustable.
Fucking awesome on you!
I like you so I'll throw in for free
the cell to start the show.
Very kind.
That way you'll come back.
Stop feeling yourselves and come eat!
I'm not feeling myself!
Check this out.
Let me show you this before you go.
What is it?
This is Chouki.
I'll show you.
We've been looking for you.
Why did you leave the hospital?
I don't know.
We have your kidney.
We can operate now.
For real?
Thank you, madam.
You are good person.
A thousand thanks.
Health and prosperity.
She found my kidney!
I put his bomb belt on him.
Get it nice and tight or it won't work.
Just a minute, Mom! What a drag...
You explode squirrel?
Yeah, I have plenty more.
I'm sure he'll come back.
There's something you don't know...
And I can't tell you.
It's ok, I realized.
You're a couple.
You're gay, right?
It's obvious.
You weren't comfortable last night.
You have to find him
and tell him he's screwing up.
What matters is living here with you.
That's why you came to France.
To be free.
You're so right.
But the truth is...
You see...
Let's go, Mr. Ayayaz.
When you're ready,
you press "call".
And he's off to hamster heaven.
Ready?
One...
Two...
Hold on, using the wrong phone would be a bummer.
Is this the one I gave you earlier?
I think it's the other. No, this one...
One...
Two. No, this one.
This is the one. It's this one.
One... two... three...
Hamster hash!
What a blast!
I'll drive you back. This 'hood can be dangerous.
Come on then.
Relax. It's going to be ok.
Excuse me, sir...
- Is that my kidney? - Yes, it is.
Don't worry, it'll all go well.
No time for operation today.
I have important thing to do. I come back later.
Thank you. Goodbye.
What are you doing? He's out of his mind!
Go after him! He can't leave
with his kidney!
Come on!
What's going on?
I go find Muzafar. Operation later.
Are you crazy?
Don't worry, I have kidney!
- No! - Yes!
- You can't do this! - I hold onto it now.
Come on!
- Move, I'm trying to work! - Give me a break!
- It's green for me! - Shut your mouth!
Drive! Hurry!
- Where to? - Eiffel Tower.
That won't be possible.
Traffic's heavy there and you're my last fare.
I can leave you at Porte de Bagnolet...
Why things so complicated in France?
He's crazy. This isn't Fr...
I know, this isn't France.
Exactly, it's Paris. The world's most beautiful city.
A good job France has Paris
to give all the county bumpkins dreams.
Porte de Bagnolet is miles away.
It's where I'm heading.
You're a cab, you go where we say!
Dumb bitch!
Ok, we have no choice.
What this?
Daddy!
Hi daddy!
What's wrong?
Don't worry, we'll find him.
Come!
Thank God!
I couldn't, Feruz...
I couldn't.
It doesn't matter.
I can't kill children.
I won't kill grown-ups either.
I won't be happy in paradise if I kill people.
So I throw bomb in big river over there.
Shame on us, Feruz.
Jafaraz will cut off our heads with rusty knife
on village square!
What if...
we didn't go back?
What if we stayed here?
But Dada...
What about Dada?
Jafaraz said he unleash hell on him.
He's old.
Yes, he's old.
He's very old.
Hey, you lovebirds...
Get a hotel room.
The hospital now?
Look...
I found my kidney!
- Come on. - Let's go.
Wait...
Can we look at tower first?
We'll come back. It's not going away.
You never know.
What's so funny?
Nothing. Why it called Eiffel Tower?
The architect's name was Gustave Eiffel.
He made some crazy stuff!
Look at those two!
He look like...
Little Leader Wassupbro!
- What they do? - You!
Look at bag!
- They bring bomb! - What's going on?
Traitors!
- Terrorists! - Call police. They have bomb!
They have bomb!
Go on, Muzafar!
Like in rugby!
Long live Taboulistan!
- Damn... - What do now?
I one kidney short. Best I take risk.
No, my fault we here!
Stop arguing. Today,
I take care of us.
Run, Feruz!
Out of way!
Go away!
Run!
What he do?
Shit...
There you go.
That's how my adventure in France came to an end.
Poor little Feruz.
A terrorist attack narrowly avoided
at the Eiffel Tower.
Luckily, everyone spoke about my heroic deed.
Even Guillaume Auda.
Marianne was very professional in her first live report
despite her emotion.
Thanks to the sacrifice of two undocumented immigrants,
France still has her greatest symbol.
Feruz Ayayaz, a goatherd aged 35 from Taboulistan,
a cheerful man fond of dancing and goats...
The news even reached them at home.
But just where is Taboulistan?
It's a small land in Central Asia between Afghanistan,
Tajikistan and Kirghizstan.
Our genius was finally recognized
by the whole world.
...proud of inventing
tabbouleh over 1,000 years ago.
And so Taboulistan became
the 194th member of the UN.
The Great Leader was delighted.
And for the last time because the next day,
with the Revolution, they cut off his head!
Kachetebrul found fortune at last
by becoming the country's top tourist destination!
Dada was very happy.
400 euros. My son!
Jafaraz tried to flee the country but...
he had a slight mishap on his way to Switzerland.
But France was the country
that paid me the greatest tribute.
I even had the honor of being received
at the home of the great leader of all the French.
Who is in fact a woman. The French really are crazy!
That hurts.
Muzafar gave a speech
and said lots of beautiful things.
Why did you do it?
Goddam desert dune dickwad!
You will stay
forever in my heart.
If ever I have children,
I'll call them all Feruz.
Even the girls!
In Taboulistan, when someone die,
people have party.
So, for Feruz,
traditional dance,
the Tawa!
As for me, my friends,
don't worry, everything's fine.
Since I saved hundreds of lives
I was sent straight
to paradise!
Where I haven't seen a single virgin or a mature woman.
Nor any terrorists either.
However, the all-you-can-eat buffet
is awesome!
Lemonade, Coke, Oaziz...
It's interesting.
What?
We said not hit woman!
Subtitles: Lan Burley
Subtitling: Eclair Group
Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player