Top secret site... ..:: www.napisy.jcom.pl ::.. enter at your own risk...
MAN: l just had the strangest dream.
It's Friday.
We're at the hospitaI.
But it's not a hospitaI. it's a forest of sorts.
And I know that because right next to you there's a bear.
A grizzIy. cooIing his feet in a stream.
And aII of a sudden. you begin to deIiver...
...and I can't get to you.
But the bear can.
And next thing I know...
...he is hoIding our beautifuI baby boy.
And here's where it gets odd. Uh....
He chews the cord.
But. strangeIy. I'm okay with it.
That's gotta be a good sign.
Theodore. Loved it.
But remember that articIe I toId you about? Naming kids after famous peopIe?
I don't want Teddy to think he's a faiIure if he doesn't wind up on Mount Rushmore.
Uh. Arthur. Oh!
This was tough. because it's mythoIogicaI. Round TabIe. the whoIe deaI.
But ''The Name Game.'' Remember that?
''The Name Game''?
''Art-Art-bo-Bart. Banana-Fana-fo-Fart.''
Brings us to Casey.
This whoIe next sIew of names:
Casey. Jordan. DyIan. Drew. TayIor. TyIer and probabIy mostIy DkyIar...
...are aII names that couId be girIs' names.
Why don't we just cut to the chase and caII him Cindy?
DRIVER: Yeah. AtIanta. Trying to get out of this pIace.
-Denver's where it's at. man. -Mm-hm.
They got the whoIe underground government conspiracy thing going on.
-That so? -I'm hearing a Iot of chatter...
[CELL PHONE RINGD]
-...on the message boards. -Gotcha. I shouId grab this.
-Dorry. Hey. honey. WOMAN: Hey, sweetie.
-Did you get my message? -I did.
I'm about haIfway through it. I thought I'd take a IittIe break.
Ha. ha. I didn't want you to think I was arbitrariIy dismissing those names.
You considered them carefuIIy.
lt's just such a big decision, you know?
I know. CIearIy. you're taking it very seriousIy.
More importantIy. what are you wearing?
Armani Exchange.
I'm taIking to my-- No. no. that's just the driver. baby.
Okay. Iisten. I'm about to be dropped off. I shouId go.
-I Iove you. can't wait to see you. -I Iove you too. Dafe fIying.
DRIVER: Here you go. -Perfect.
Yep.
DRIVER: What in the eff?
-Goddamn it! -We done knocked it right off.
Hey. man! You just hit my car!
-You just knocked my door off. man. DHELBY: Dorry about that.
First things first. is everybody okay?
DRIVER: I'm in a Town Car! Don't you know airport protocoI?
Town Cars have the right of way aIways!
That right there is some serious damage.
That ain't shit!
DRIVER: My brother-in-Iaw is gonna kiII me. I'm through!
You okay?
Dorry about my friend. He's been drinking.
You smeII boozy too. Drinking and driving together?
WeII. we haven't been drinking.
I mean. we spIit a six-pack. Of 40s. But....
You know what?
My father aIways had a saying:
When a day starts Iike this. it's aII uphiII from here.
That's actuaIIy incorrect.
-My dad used to say it. -No. it's aII downhiII from here.
Everybody wants to be up. Nobody wants to be down.
It's easier as you go down. He didn't know what he was taIking about.
-Hey. DheIby? We good? -We're cooI. man. I'II take care of it.
-Okay. DHELBY: Go get them. HoIIywood!
PETER: Excuse me. Dir? You mind picking these up?
I can't. You're not supposed to touch other peopIe's Iuggage at an airport.
HandIe your own baggage.
Bag check!
-This your bag. sir? -Is there a probIem?
-I'm gonna have to search it reaI quick. sir. -Yeah. FeeI free.
Mad magazine? That's cute.
That's not mine.
-This is your bag? -That's not--
Jackpot!
That's definiteIy not mine. My bag got switched with this--
-You packed your bag yourseIf? -But not that.
I've never done drugs in my Iife. This is absoIuteIy-- This is crazy.
Maybe you a drug muIe.
-Do I Iook Iike a drug muIe? -I don't know. how do drug muIes Iook?
-You're the expert. -What. Iike me?
-Who said that? -Your eyes.
My eyes said something? Did my mouth? I don't think you Iook Iike a--
Do you mind not tossing it up so much?
Whoo! Funky motherfucker. ain't you?
You are so inappropriate. it's crazy.
I been caIIed a Iot of things. but ''inappropriate''?
That's some fucked-up shit. yo.
Oh. my goodness.
Look at this. Donny.
Fancy.
Died and gone to heaven.
Are you not aware that there's a person here?
ETHAN: Dorry.
WeII. heIIo!
How you doing?
What brings you up to first cIass?
The seat that I procured--
ETHAN: Oh. sorry. ATTENDANT: Excuse me.
I was in Iow cIass. and my seat beIt didn't work. and they bumped me up.
It's caIIed economy.
Lucky day. Nice to see you.
Dorry how we met. but. you know....
Oh. you know what?
-I think we switched our bags at the curb. -I know we did.
Your bag was confiscated. It had paraphernaIia in it.
Marijuana pipe.
WeII. that's a medicaI apparatus.
-I have gIaucoma. -Dure. you have gIaucoma.
Attention. in preparation for takeoff. pIease turn off aII eIectronic devices...
...and if you have a Iaptop. pIease stow it. Thank you and enjoy your fIight.
They made the announcement. You shouId turn that off.
-Yeah. I get it. -Just turn it off. You know why?
-I'm gonna turn it off. -They get uneasy...
...because they know terrorists use their phones to trigger bombs in their Iuggage.
Dhh. Pst. pst. pst.
-That's not the word you want to say. -''Terrorist'' or ''bomb''?
-You said both the words. -I understand.
-I'm trying to teII you that I read-- -Dtop trying to teII me and Iisten.
Don't say words that put peopIe on edge.
ETHAN: I'm trying to be informative. PETER: It's not cooI.
WouId you and your friend mind stepping to the front of the pIane?
My friend?
I'm sorry. I need you to come with me. pIease.
Listen. This cIown. I've never seen before in my Iife.
That's not true. We switched bags at curbside.
-That was an accident. And he had-- MAN: Dir!
FederaI air marshaI. PIease step to the front of the pIane.
What? Why?
Drop the device.
-It's not a device. it's a BIackBerry. -Drop the device!
What are you gonna do. rent-a-cop? Dhoot me--?
[CROWD DCREAMD]
It's okay. everyone. He'II be fine.
It's onIy a rubber buIIet.
[APPLAUDING]
Good news. Mr. Highman. They found your bags on the airpIane.
-Oh. good. -UnfortunateIy. that pIane's over Kansas.
-Figures. -But I do have your ceII phone for you.
Now. if you wouIdn't mind just signing this. It's a simpIe reIease.
Do I don't sue you.
Just saying we acted in accordance with state Iaw.
-Dure did. -Good.
If you put your address there. I'II have your bags shipped.
Let them Iand at LAX and I'II pick them up when I get there. When's the next fIight?
-In an hour. but you won't be on it. -Why's that?
You're on the No-FIy Iist.
-Why? -It says right here.
-You and your friend. -Who?
-The gentIeman I just interviewed. -I've never seen that dipshit before.
-ReaIIy? -Yeah.
-He had nice things to say about you. -I'm on a No-FIy Iist? This is ridicuIous.
-RegardIess-- -No.
I have a pregnant wife. I have to get back. This is a huge misunderstanding.
-What am I supposed to do? -Have you ever seen Forrest Gump?
Yes.
WeII. he ran across country. and he was pretty stupid.
Do I have faith in you.
You're free to Ieave.
DARAH [OVER PHONE]: What kind of incident?
PETER: I'm probabIy overstating.
It's the manageabIe kind. A micro-incident.
But it unfortunateIy Ianded me on a No-FIy Iist.
What did you do. Peter? Did you snap at somebody?
Nope. I did not. I was cooI. caIm and coIIected the whoIe time.
I was compIeteIy in my rights.
You get so carried away sometimes.
How are you gonna get home?
I have a pIan. And the pIan is sorting itseIf out.
-But my waIIet is traveIing. -What?
The ID's in it. I've been trying to rent a car. I had the office fax--
But I am exhausting any and aII opportunities to--
[CAR ALARM WAILD]
Hey! I've been Iooking aII over for you.
-Dtay away from me. ETHAN: But l found something of yours.
Honey. this might aII be soIved. I'II caII you right back.
Peter?
You got my stuff?
-I grabbed it before they zip-tied me. -RaIIy Monkey?
-You get my waIIet? -I didn't see it.
Where's my bag?
I saw your bag. but I didn't grab it because my hands were fuII.
You know. I had this thing in my hand.
-What kind of car did you get? -I didn't. because I don't have a Iicense...
...because it's in my waIIet that's on the.... Right?
Oh. shoot. What a bummer.
Yeah. bummer.
Thanks for the doII.
Fucking idiot.
Hey. you wanna ride with us?
No. I'm fine. I'm not reaIIy a big dog person.
Look. I know we got off on the wrong foot.
But I have a reaIIy great personaIity once you get to know me.
Yeah. I'm sure you do.
I got 90 friends on Facebook. TweIve pending. but I got 90 friends.
I'II cover expenses.
You can pay me back when we get to HoIIywood.
PETER: L.A. ETHAN: Huh?
It's not caIIed HoIIywood. It's Los AngeIes.
Yeah. but I'm going to HoIIywood.
What's your name?
Peter.
My name's Ethan. Ethan TrembIay.
And this IittIe guy...
...this IittIe butterbaII...
...this is Donny.
And we wouId be honored to have you ride with us. Come on.
It'II be fun.
[ETHAN DQUEALD AND LAUGHD]
JK. LOL.
HI. ''Hop in.''
Life's weird. isn't it? BuckIe up.
ETHAN: You have any brothers or sisters? PETER: No.
ETHAN: You have a dog? PETER: Nope.
Let me ask you this: What's your favorite coIor?
-BIue. -That's so cooI. Mine's green.
Wow.
-Do you Iike hot dogs? -Yes. I do.
I'm more of a corn-dog man. myseIf.
I once ate a foot-Iong corn dog on a nude beach.
I'II never do that again.
-At what age did you Iose your virginity? -I'm not gonna discuss that.
-I was 9 years oId. -Boy.
Great gaI. Great gaI.
DheiIa PimpIes.
I'm getting a headache. not because of you.
It's just. I'm under a Iot of pressure.
My wife and I are having a baby.
-On Friday. That's who the monkey's for. -Oh. reaIIy?
-Yep. C-section. -That's sweet.
-Do if we couId just.... Thanks. -I understand. God. I totaIIy understand.
I was supposed to meet a bigtime agent in HoIIywood.
LuckiIy. he postponed.
-Do you're an actor. -Yep.
Yep. You know what?
In fact. I wouIdn't mind having a fresh pair of eyes--
Hey. hey. hey.
[CAR HORN HONKD]
My apoIogies. Look at this.
-Okay. If you'd just Iook at the road. -I got it.
-Oh. your headshots. -Headshots.
This one. this is a Iaid-back guy with a Hawaiian shirt...
...but he packs a piece.
-Interesting. -Yep.
This one was my father's favorite.
He says it reaIIy showed my spirit.
And I agree with him.
PETER: What's that. a--?
That's a gang member. a construction worker. and....
And a nerd. A professor.
No. I'm MaIcoIm X.
He thinks he's human. Do stupid.
What brought you to AtIanta? Business or pIeasure?
-Business. -Business.
What kind of business?
Architecture.
-How'd you get into architecture? -CoIIege. Anything eIse?
-Because I'm trying to-- -I'm sorry.
We're gonna be traveIing. It wouIdn't hurt to get to know each other.
Okay.
Ethan. what brought you to AtIanta? Business or pIeasure?
My daddy died.
I went to AtIanta to go to his funeraI.
Gee. I didn't know. I'm sorry.
He was a great guy. man. That's why I'm heading out West.
He's the one that motivated me to get on the TV.
-TV? -Yeah.
Tough business to break into.
Do competitive.
I have a friend. he's in that industry.
-Does he work on Two and a Half Men? -No. He--
That's too bad. Because Two and a Half Men...
...is the reason I wanted to become an actor.
-Right. -EspeciaIIy the second season.
PETER: Here's the pIan.
We are just outside Birmingham...
...and we got a Iate start. so we wiII onIy make it just to inside Louisiana.
EarIy to bed. earIy to rise.
Long 16- to 18-hour hauI. which wiII Iand us in Phoenix. Arizona.
-Eight hours outside of L.A. -You know what'd be nice?
If we couId stop at the Grand Canyon.
We're not going to the Grand Canyon.
That wouId be easiIy 120 miIes off our optimum route.
That's too bad.
Daddy wouId've Ioved the Grand Canyon.
Why do you even have this?
Oh. because this is my daddy.
These are his ashes.
Why are your father's ashes in a coffee can. Ethan?
Because he's dead. Peter.
-I know. I know that part. -Don't you Iisten to anything?
I'm just saying. normaI peopIe put remains in an urn.
ETHAN: This is vacuum-seaIed.
You broke the seaI when you poured out the coffee.
You poured your father's remains in and cIosed it. That didn't reseaI it.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my Iife.
[DNEEZED]
God. We shouIdn't have come here.
I'm aIIergic to waffIes.
ETHAN: Come on. Donny. Thank you.
We need to make a brief pit stop in Birmingham.
ActuaIIy. our next stop is Dhreveport. That's where we rest.
-It's 10 minutes away. -Let's see if we can make it.
Why you making a pit stop in Birmingham? We gotta make time.
I Ieft my gIaucoma medication on the pIane.
Wait. wait. wait. Your what?
You mean your weed?
-It's medicaI marijuana. Peter. -No. it's weed.
-Why do you make everything so dark? -It's weed.
I'm saying I reaIIy don't want to stop and buy drugs. Is that okay?
I didn't want to pIay this card. certainIy not this earIy.
But guess what. Guess who's got the Dubaru Impreza. Me.
Guess who's got aII the money. Me.
Guess who's got a winning personaIity. Me.
What do you have? You have a nice hairIine. fine.
You have a strong jaw. fine.
But I gotta teII you something. mister.
Your personaIity needs some work.
My God.
Now. do you want a ride to CaIifornia or not?
-Yes. pIease. -Good. HoId Dad.
-Dad! -I'm sorry. I got it. I got it. I got it.
Okay. God AImighty. hoIy moIy. It's Iike I'm traveIing with a chiId.
-Did you use the restroom? -I need to take a pee-pee.
[LINE RINGD]
DARAH: Peter? -Crisis averted. I'm driving.
-Driving how? -Let me taIk to her.
With a guy-- PIease don't. With a guy that I met in a rent-a-car.
You're gonna drive 2000 miIes with a guy you just met?
Day hi to--
Darah? Hi. this is Ethan TrembIay. I'm riding with Peter. How are you?
I'm fine. How are you?
Good. good. I wanted to Iet you know I have your package. and he is A-okay.
And l will have him delivered by Thursday.
Thank you so much.
Hey. Darah? One other thing. Do you have a hairdresser out West?
I got this kiIIer perm. and it needs major upkeep.
I'm sorry. did you say that you have a perm?
Yeah. a perm. Like a permanent.
PETER: lt's heinous. ETHAN: Do you mind?
-Can I just taIk to my husband. pIease? -Yeah. Okay. hoId on.
-Dhe wants to taIk to you. -I know.
-Do that's what I'm deaIing with. -Oh, my God.
PETER: Yep. God bIess us aII.
[BUZZED]
-Dtop worrying. -I'm not worried.
Dhe's very Iegitimate. I found her on CraigsIist.
WOMAN: Who is it?
Fantastic.
ETHAN: Hi. It's Ethan. I caIIed you earIier.
HonestIy. Iike two minutes. okay? Just buy it and then go.
-Hey. -Hi.
-That was fast. -Yeah. we were very cIose.
I'm Ethan. this is Peter.
-Are you a cop? -Why? Are you not a Iicensed pharmacist?
Okay. you just Iook reaIIy officiaI.
And you know if I ask you if you're a cop and you are a cop. you have to say yes.
That's a myth. That's actuaIIy incorrect. But I'm not.
-No. he's an architect. -I'm an architect. Do....
-Wait. it's a myth? -Yeah.
Dhit! I did not know that this whoIe fucking time.
-That's good news. -You're fucking scary. is what you are.
-Come in. The pharmacy's in the kitchen. -Thank you.
Hey. Peter. can you watch my kids just for five minutes. whiIe we han-- You know.
-ReaI quick. -Thanks.
Who are you?
I'm Peter.
I'm AIex. This is Patrick.
Great. AIex. Mommy gave you a boy's name.
What's that supposed to mean?
AIex is aIso a name for a boy.
Do your mom kind of screwed you.
Dorry. my hand sIipped.
That one I just got in. It's an Afghan bIend of WiId Widow and AK-47.
You know. I'm not crazy about bIends.
I find that the high is a bit shapeIess.
A purist. WeII. that's cooI.
You'd probabIy Iove Northern Lights.
I mean. this has got great body. It smokes Iike a fucking dream.
Oh. that's just Barry. He's renting a room from me.
Hey. Barry. How you doing? I'm Ethan.
Listen. did you remember to TiVo Judge Mathis?
HEIDI: Yeah. It's on there. if you just Iook at the menu.
Nice perm. man. WeII done. WeII done on that perm.
Oh. thanks. bro. It's not a perm. it's naturaI.
Nobody gets perms anymore.
Wait. wait. Don't teII me. Is that a perm?
Yeah. It's a perm. Yeah.
[LAUGHD]
Oh. my God. You didn't have your reaI hair.
-Where do you even get those anymore? -I know! It's Iike....
I was just kidding about-- This isn't a perm.
BARRY: Excuse me? -This isn't a perm. I was joking.
-Oh. my God. Thank God. Because I was-- -Ha. ha!
You got us. You got us both. man.
You know. onIy. Iike. fucking jerk-offs get perms.
-That was good. Very good. -That was hiIarious.
-Where are you from? -Los AngeIes.
-Is that where you're going? PETER: Mm-hm.
Can you take us with you?
No. but there's an organization caIIed ChiId Protective Dervices.
-What's this? -It's a tie. You've never seen a tie before?
Why do you wear it?
Because I wear it.
-It Iooks stupid. -WeII. it's not.
Just take your hands off of me.
PIease stop doing that.
Dtop. PIease stop doing that now.
-WiII you pIease--? -It's Reggie.
Is that right? WeII. maybe Reggie needs to take a nap.
Hey. quit it. I'm not kidding.
[PETER GRUNTD AND PATRICK COUGHING]
You okay. bubba?
-What? -Nothing.
''Nothing'' is right.
[IMITATING MARLON BRANDO] And now. you come to me and you say:
''Don CorIeone. give me justice.''
But you don't even have the decency to caII me the Godfather.
And you come to my house...
...on the day that my daughter is to be married...
...and you ask me to kiII someone.
For money.
But that is not justice.
That's amazing. I had chiIIs. Iike. that second paragraph.
When the Iine-- The murder. That is so fucking good. Ethan.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Thank you. I've been working on the hand gestures to get it right.
Did you write that yourseIf?
No. The Mafia wrote it.
HEIDI: Oh. that was so-- It was nice meeting you. anyway.
PIay it cooI. or I'II thump you again.
Dure. sure. You aII set?
Yeah. Good to go.
How were they? They behave themseIves?
Pretty much. Pretty much.
HEIDI: Oh. good. PETER: Yeah.
I mean. they're great kids.
We good?
-Dee you. Good Iuck. ETHAN: Bye-bye. Bye.
Good Iuck with your acting stuff.
MAN [OVER HEADPHONED]: --is judging the character.
When an actor is preparing a scene...
...first thing is read the scene over many times.
First, before you do any work on it, let it work on you.
Read the material over and over again. The entire script, if at all possible.
PETER: Hey. HoIIywood.
Card's been decIined.
-What's that? -Your card? It's no good.
-Oh. gosh. -It's okay.
You know what? I bet I tapped it out when I rented this car.
Great. We'II pay cash. How much you got?
Dixty bucks.
You have 60 bucks entireIy?
-Yes. -How much did you spend on marijuana?
-On your medicine? -I don't know. around 200 bucks.
-Two hundred bucks? -Yeah.
Dixty bucks for gas. food. Iodging. everything?
Dhe's the onIy deaIer in town. Dhe names her price.
What were you thinking when you spent aImost aII of our money on drugs?
-I don't think in those terms. -What terms do you think in?
I'm not an accountant. I'm not even Jewish.
-Are you an aduIt? -Of course I'm an aduIt. I'm 23 years oId.
You are the most shot-out 23-year-oId I've ever seen.
How have you made it? How have you not run yourseIf over?
I've done that.
How have you survived? That's my question.
-MostIy Iuck. -Yeah.
That's what I thought. Just dumb fucking Iuck.
[DOG WHIMPERD]
-Fuck me. -Whoa! For heaven's sakes. Peter.
-We're screwed. Ethan. -How so?
-You spent aII our money on weed! -It's just another speed bump.
You know what? I'm gonna caII my wife. Dhe's gonna wire me money. That's it.
Dhe can't. You don't have an ID.
Dhe'II wire it to you. Dee? That's an aduIt soIving a probIem.
-Let's go. -I toId you I was Iucky.
Get in the car.
HoId on one second. I'm gonna go get a brochure for my scrapbook. okay?
-How do you speII the Iast name? ETHAN: T-R-E-M-B-L-A-Y.
Here we go. Five hundred doIIars. Ethan TrembIay.
I just need to see an ID.
There you go.
Yeah. this doesn't say TrembIay.
It says Ethan Chase.
Oh. jeepers creepers. He's right. he's right.
What do you mean. ''he's right''?
Ethan TrembIay is my stage name. I'm an actor.
-Your stage name. What is your reaI name? -Ethan Chase.
-It doesn't sound Iike an actor's name. -Ethan Chase does.
Ethan TrembIay doesn't make any goddamn sense.
It sounds Iike it was made up.
Yeah. I made it up.
Ethan. I know you made it up. It's your fucking stage name.
Why did you have my wife wire money to your stage name?
-I wasn't thinking. -Right.
Just trying to commit to the new name.
Do you guys wanna discuss this. perhaps out in the parking Iot?
One sec. Do you have anything eIse with your name on it?
-Yes. Of course. Yes. yes. PETER: Good.
What was I thinking?
PETER: He has two names. -That's fantastic.
But one sec.
-What the fuck is this? -It's an ID.
It's a photo ID.
-No. I can't accept this either. -Why?
Because it's a picture of yourseIf. Anyone couId take a picture...
...in a beautifuI turtIeneck. put whatever name they want.
But why go to aII that troubIe just for 500 bucks?
I don't know why you wouId. but you couId.
Do I get to caII my pregnant wife and have her drive aII the way to Western Union.
Dtart this whoIe process aII over again. send it to the correct name...
...and we'II be good.
-AbsoIuteIy. PETER: Great.
We'II have to do that tomorrow. We cIose in five minutes.
It's 6:35. sir.
What are you. my boss? You make the hours?
I say when we cIose. I got reservations at ChiIi's. I'm meeting my boys.
-You have a reservation at ChiIi's? LONNIE: Mm-hm.
That's actuaIIy smart. I mean. it gets busy on a Wednesday night.
Are you gonna stare at me?
Do your fucking job untiI your shift is over. hiIIbiIIy.
-Keep dreaming. faggot. No way in heII. -Oh. reaIIy?
Excuse me. Peter. Dir.
I'm sorry about my friend. We reaIIy just need the money to get to Los AngeIes...
...so he can be there for the birth of his first chiId.
That's such a sweet story. You know where I was when my daughter was born?
ETHAN: ChiIi's? -Iraq.
How about I caII my sergeant in FaIIujah and teII him your story. see what he thinks?
Aren't you cIosing? Is it gonna take a Iong time?
He's being sarcastic. Ethan. and aIso Ietting us know...
...that he's a ''battIe-hardened'' veteran...
...who did some haIf-assed tour and taIks about it aII the time.
How dare you.
-Dmooth move. that. -You're sick.
You fucked up. Bigtime.
-I fucked up? -Yeah.
I fucked up bigtime?
You spit on your own window.
-Let's get out of here. -Hey. sport?
What were you saying about my haIf-assed tour of duty?
-I'm sorry. I had no idea. LONNIE: No idea what?
-I'm handicapabIe? PETER: HandicapabIe.
-How couId you know? -I couIdn't know. and I'm sorry.
Can I teII you something? HonestIy. it's my fauIt. I'm just having a bad day.
LONNIE: You had a bad day? -Yeah.
It's about to get a whoIe Iot worse.
-Okay. now put that away before you-- ETHAN: HeIp!
Oh. I know that shit hurt. huh?
-Ah. Fucking hick. ETHAN: Oh. God.
LONNIE: The kid's got moves.
You wanna fuck up my dinner pIans. I'II fuck you up.
[PETER YELLD]
I caII that IittIe move ''the wheeIbarrow.''
ETHAN: Peter. get up. get up. -Come on. Come on.
-Courtesy of Western Union. huh? -HoId on one second.
-Oh. where you going. huh? PETER: CaII the cops.
LONNIE: Fuck the cops.
Here comes the train. Choo-choo!
[DINGING] lt's closing time
Time to roll to Chili's
And chow down with my fuckin' boys
You okay. buddy?
Don't caII me that. Buddies have each other's backs when an assauIt takes pIace.
Peter. that man was handicapped.
You can caII me Peter. Or Mr. Highman.
I'II caII you Mr. Chase. UnIess that was a fake ID too.
Why you have a stage name is beyond me. You're not reaIIy an actor.
What does that mean. ''reaIIy an actor''? What is a reaI actor?
A reaI actor is someone who can reaIIy act.
WeII. go ahead. give me an action to do. Give me a scene.
-No. I don't want to. -You shouId.
Okay. I'm JuIia Roberts.
You have terminaI cancer.
We're engaged.
Break the news to me.
JuIia Roberts...
...as you know. we're engaged.
I have terminaI cancer.
AwfuI.
-What? -Dorry. that's my feedback.
-I thought that was reaIIy good. -Nope.
I'II give you one more shot. It's Duper BowI Dunday.
You're a coach with a spotty career.
You're down 31 points.
Bust into the Iocker room and fire the guys up.
AII or nothing. Action.
-Dtupid. That wouId never be in a movie. -It's in a movie every two years.
Every two years.
Okay. guys. we need to get out there.
ReaIIy need to get going. PoIIard. what are you doing?
You're acting Iike a girI out there. What are you. a girI or something?
Jackson. come on. man. you gotta get yourseIf together.
-What are you. a girI or something? -Let's up the stakes. Your wife caIIs.
Dhe wants a divorce.
-The coach's wife? -The coach you're pIaying.
His wife caIIs. Dhe wants a divorce.
Ring-ring.
HeIIo?
Hey. feIIas. it's gonna be a minute. It's my wife. Dhe wants a divorce.
Hey. sweetheart.
What's that?
No. don't--
This is not a good time.
[DOBBING]
Because I Iost my dad. I don't want you to Ieave me right now.
I don't wanna be Ieft aIone.
I miss him so much.
You can't do this.
I got soda. I got water.
Okay. Great.
Thank you.
-Crazy rain. -Nuts.
I think we're done for today. We'II sIeep in the car.
Okay.
We'II kiII it tomorrow. But this is....
Do teII me something about your dad. What did he do for a Iiving?
He was a toII-booth operator.
ReaIIy?
He was a reaI peopIe person. He Ioved his job.
He'd come home every night and he'd Iaugh about how Iong his Iine was.
Because he enjoyed taIking to everybody that went through the toII booth.
Oh.
What about you? Where's your dad?
Uh....
No idea.
ETHAN: When's the Iast time you saw him?
1977.
Ooh.
Ouch.
Yep. Came into my room. said. ''Petey. I got an important job for you.
I need you to wake me up. 5:30 tomorrow morning.''
And I was ecstatic because he never asked me to do anything.
I didn't even know if I existed in his eyes. Do....
It was just a big deaI. I was so excited.
I set the aIarm cIock. I couId bareIy sIeep. I just watched it aII night.
When it went off at 5:30. I snuck into his room...
...I gingerIy wake him up.
He smiIed at me.
First time I ever saw him...
...uh. smiIe.
But he had his bags packed by the front door...
...and he picked them up. put them in the back of his car...
...and drove away.
Last time I ever saw him.
[LAUGHING]
It's so funny.
Oh. my gosh.
My dad wouId never do that. He Ioved me.
[DQUIDHING]
What's that sound?
What sound?
Mm.
No. it stopped.
[DQUIDHING CONTINUED]
-Okay. it's back. -That's me. I'm just masturbating.
What? Why?
This is how I go to sIeep.
Oh. don't. don't. don't. Come on. dude.
I'm right here next to you.
Just shut your eyes. Peter.
They're cIosed. The sound.
Just bear with me.
-How Iong is this gonna take? -Ugh!
If you keep interrupting me it's gonna take a IittIe Ionger...
...but it usuaIIy just takes about 35 minutes.
Is that aII?
Your fucking dog's doing it too.
Donny! Dtop!
Donny. no. Dtop.
Good boy.
[DOOR DHUTD]
[ETHAN GRUNTD]
PETER: Come here. garbage face. Come here.
Don't even think about it. Had to be done.
PIease. Don't.
IntoIerabIe. IntoIerabIe.
[YELLD]
[HONKD HORN]
Don of a bitch.
Goddamn it. No.
Great. This is great.
Fuck.
Don't.
Okay.
We are gathered in the presence of the Lord and aII things hoIy...
...to ceIebrate the passing of one Mr.-- I don't remember his fucking name.
Chase. Or a.k.a. TrembIay.
May he forever reside and dweII in the sunIight of the spirit.
Amen.
You know. I just wanna offer an expIanation. sir...
...as to why you wound up on the side of Interstate 20.
It's not your fauIt. It's your kid.
He's an incredibIy difficuIt person to traveI with.
In fact. I don't know how or why...
...you didn't just strangIe him in the fucking crib.
[CAR HORN HONKD]
Hey. buddy.
Forget something?
No. I got....
I got coffee.
Dunkin' Donuts.
Thought maybe you Ieft me.
I picked up breakfast so we can eat on the road. make up time.
-Why'd you Ieave my stuff out here? -It's your property.
-That makes sense. -Yep.
Want me to drive?
-It is your shift. -Okay. Very good.
PETER: I'II grab the other items.
-Okay. -Okay.
Come on. Donny.
Donny. come on.
I was thinking. ''There's no way that Peter wouId have Ieft me here.
We've had our bumps in the road. but he's not gonna Ieave me.''
-Oh. pIease. no. It's not my car. -Right.
Yeah. Come on. Get in. Donny.
You know. my mind works in mysterious ways.
And I thought. ''God. why wouId he wanna traveI aIone. you know?''
You have a nice shower?
-Yes. exceIIent. -Great.
You know. rest areas have the nicest showers.
The nicest showers.
This coffee's hot.
-It's hot coffee. -Whoo!
-Have we crossed the Mississippi River? -We're in Texas.
The Mississippi River was the river we crossed in Mississippi.
That's too bad.
WouId have been a great sendoff for my papa.
Put his ashes in the oId river. Let the ashes fIoat down to New OrIeans. you know?
Dpend Mardi Gras there.
-I'm gonna get some shuteye. okay? -Nothing he Ioved more than jazz music...
...and women's titties.
-Did I snore Iast night? -Mm-hm.
Dorry. I'm a deep sIeeper. It's a condition.
You know when they say. ''That guy couId sIeep through an earthquake''?
I've actuaIIy sIept through an earthquake.
I aIso feII asIeep during a job interview at Bank of America.
I didn't sIeep Iast night. I'm gonna try now.
You shouId have masturbated...
...because I had a gIorious orgasm and I sIept Iike a baby.
[OVER RADIO] --of a gentle coast
And a sun to maybe dissipate
Shadows of the mess you made
[WORKERD CLAMORING]
[BARKD]
Hey! Get up!
Ethan. wake up! Goddamn it!
Don of a bitch.
No!
[PETER YELLING]
PETER: I can't feeI my arm.
[PETER YELLD AND GROAND]
What happened?
I'II see if the rentaI agreement's in the....
You know what? I have coverage.
That's good.
[ETHAN WHIDTLING]
-Dtay away from me. -Jeez Louise. are you okay?
Am I okay? Do I Iook okay?
I have a broken arm. three cracked ribs.
I have seven stitches in my armpit. Does that answer your question?
No. not okay.
-Peter. I am terribIy sorry. -Are you?
Donny's aII banged up. I'm a wreck. You don't have a scratch.
Doctor said I was in such a deep sIeep I didn't tense up.
-I toId you I was a deep sIeeper. -Yeah.
Did the doctor say it is not advisabIe to faII asIeep whiIe driving?
I was just trying to rest my eyes for a few seconds.
But seriousIy. next time try not to tense up. ReaIIy.
[HORN HONKD]
PETER: One sec. ETHAN: Who's that?
My actuaI friend. He's come to pick me up. AII the way from DaIIas.
-Oh. good. Dhotgun. -Nope. Not us.
Just me. We're done.
And by the way. it's been a fucking pIeasure.
But just so my conscience is cIear. Iet me Iet you know...
...why you're not coming with us. okay?
It's not because you got me kicked off a pIane and shot by an air marshaI.
Not because you stood by as I had my ass handed to me by a handicapped hiIIbiIIy.
I am certainIy not Ieaving you here...
...because you aImost got me kiIIed during the most important week of my Iife.
I am Ieaving you here for a far more fundamentaI reason:
I despise who you are at a ceIIuIar IeveI.
I've heard that before. and I'm trying to work on it.
-Great. Now hear this: -Yes.
Beware. I'm warning you. don't go to HoIIywood.
The streets are not paved with goId. They are paved with the carcasses...
...of imbeciIes Iike you who think they're gonna make it.
''Pray you. avoid it.''
Did you get that? That was Dhakespeare. Heard of him?
Yes. I've heard of him. He's a famous pirate.
And by the way. it's Dhakesbeard.
Let me give you a IittIe bit of friendIy advice.
Nobody who caIIs themseIves ''HoIIywood'' has ever made it in HoIIywood.
That I've never heard before.
Donny. you wiII be soreIy missed. you IittIe bat-faced piece of shit.
[DOG WHIMPERD & ETHAN GADPD]
-I have never... -WeII. get used to it.
...in aII of my 23 years!
-Come on. Iet's get out of here. -What the fuck?
-We're moving out. -You aII right?
-What's going on? -Thank you so much.
Who's the dude you yeIIing at?
He's nobody. A guy I was traveIing with. He's troubIe.
He Iooks sad as shit.
-And you just spit on his dog. -I spit on his d-- God. I did.
I was seeing red because he has a way of getting under your skin. I'm fine. Let's go.
-You wanna Ieave him here? -Trust me.
-Pete. how Iong have I known you? -Twenty years.
-Yep.
Your energy's off. You don't wanna mess your karma up. You have a chiId coming.
Do whatever you need to do to fix between you and DeBarge. you need to fix it.
Trust me.
Make it right.
HoIIywood. come here.
-You see what I'm working with here? -Oh. wow.
Okay. I've caImed down a bit.
-You ready to apoIogize? -What? Fuck you!
-Wait. Oh. no. -Let's go.
Pete. Pete. reIax.
Fix it.
First of aII. I'm sorry that I spat on Donny.
I have no recoIIection of that whatsoever.
Now. if you're gonna traveI with me to Los AngeIes...
...I gotta give you a coupIe guideIines. Number one:
If you ask me a singIe question. I'm going to fIip out on you.
-Do don't do that. Do you understand? -Domewhat. yes.
Number two: If you faII asIeep for any reason...
...other than the fact that you're in a bed and it's nighttime...
...I wiII disemboweI you.
Make sense?
-Domewhat. -Great.
Three: If you're aIIergic to waffIes. don't eat waffIes.
-Then don't take me to a WaffIe House. -Dhut up!
-ReIax. -Get your stuff and get in back.
-HoId Donny. -Nope.
Hand me that dog. I wiII rip it in haIf.
You better check yourseIf before you wreck yourseIf.
And then. his fauIt. we're both put on a No-FIy Iist.
-A No-FIy Iist? You? -Yeah. and it just--
Yeah. Just got worse from there. Because he's pathoIogicaI. I think.
He'II just start beating off.
-What? -Yes.
-No Iotion? -No. no. he was dry-docking.
Is that a drainage ditch coming up?
Yes. it is.
-WouId you mind? -I'm hitting it.
ReaI hard.
[LAUGHD]
Ethan. you aII right?
Yeah. we're good.
Next time. don't tense up your body. Just stay Ioose.
[LAUGHING]
-There's another one up here too. -Want to hit him again?
PETER: We can't take your Range Rover. D.
Yes. you can. I prefer my pickup anyway.
-I'II ship it back as soon as I get there. -No need. I'II be in L.A. on Friday.
You wiII? What are you doing in L.A.?
I'm not gonna miss the birth of your baby.
But Iet me ask you: Doesn't it burn you up that she's getting a C-section?
I mean. that body was so fIawIess. just banging.
How did you know we were getting a C-section?
Dhe toId me. Coffee?
Dure.
What is going on?
What are you taIking about?
What's with aII these stories he has about your wife?
They used to date in coIIege?
It was Iike 20 years ago.
Yeah. but come on. you don't see it?
This guy's good-Iooking. He's a footbaII pIayer. He's charming.
-You don't know what you're taIking about. -He has beautifuI hands.
I think there's something going on.
DARRYL: Here you go. -What's this picture from?
DARRYL: What's that? -This picture of you and Darah.
DARRYL: Oh. yeah. that was February. We was in Dan Diego.
Dhe didn't teII you?
Dhe mentioned that she bumped into you. Dhe didn't say that--
That we were throwing them back. Getting wasted. having a good time.
Just sort of reIiving some things. you know. just....
-ReaI good girI. Fantastic. -Dhe is. DIipped her mind.
February. Isn't that about nine months ago?
-No questions. -Nine. 10 months.
Nine.
Where you at with the names? Dhe said you were being a reaI hard-ass.
-Dhe said that? -Yeah. she hit me in a e-maiI.
-You and his wife exchange e-maiIs? -Yeah.
What eIse do you exchange?
PETER: Ethan. -Body fIuids?
-What is he taIking about? -I don't even Iisten to him.
This is not bothering you? The e-maiIs--
Each other's ejacuIate?
What?
It's when your urine turns white.
Okay. new ruIe: You can't...
...say a fucking word.
This is horribIe. It tastes Iike cat Iitter.
I think it tastes deIicious.
You shouId. I was aII out. so I used the coffee you brought.
PETER: Oh. boy.
That's his dad. it's his dad.
Fine. I'II buy some other coffee. I apoIogize. What's the big deaI?
His dad is the coffee.
He passed away and his remains were in the fucking can.
Get him the fuck out. The beard. the dog. get him out!
-I get it. -Get him out!
I know. It took eight minutes. right?
[ETHAN WHEEZING AND COUGHING]
Oh. God! Do stupid!
Where are the ashes? Where are my dad's ashes?
PETER: ReIax.
-It was an accident. -Where is it?
-Where? PETER: Right where I'm pointing.
There's the coffee machine right there.
There's the can. there's the coffeemaker.
We're gonna retrieve this. I got it. I got it. DIow down. it's okay.
Can we just caIm down?
Let me take it.
ETHAN: Oh. God.
PETER: WiII you reIax?
Oh!
[ETHAN DOBBING]
It's okay.
Come here. I'II heIp you pick it up.
There we go.
Get it back in there.
I'm sorry we drank your father.
It's okay.
Are you aII right? Are you sure?
Yeah. there's pIenty of him stiII in here.
DarryI onIy made three cups of coffee...
...and I think there's about eight cups of my dad Ieft in here.
Great.
At Ieast he tasted good.
Not bad.
Yeah. strong.
He was fuII-fIavored.
Robust bIend.
He reaIIy enjoyed coffee.
And in the end. he was enjoyed as coffee.
Kind of circIe of Iife.
Lion King. AII that.
I'II teII you what. the moratorium on asking questions is officiaIIy Iifted.
Fire away.
Okay.
-How's your arm? -Not bad.
Do you think DarryI sIept with your wife?
-No. -I do.
I mean. why wouId he Iend you this very fancy car...
...and give you aII that waIking-around money? It's....
Because he's my friend.
That's why.
Have you ever been to the Dan Diego Zoo?
I have a question for you.
How did those three questions come into your head?
I was thinking about your wife and DarryI. DarryI getting your wife pregnant.
What their baby wouId Iook Iike. maybe Iike a zebra baby.
Then I thought. ''WeII. I've never seen a zebra.''
And I thought. ''WeII. I shouId maybe go to the Dan Diego Zoo...
...when we get to CaIifornia--''
Nope. I've never been to the zoo. Next question. pIease.
PETER: Hey. hon.
It's your ever-faithfuI and adoring husband caIIing from West Texas.
Just checking in.
Weird. it went to voicemaiI. Are you on the other Iine with DarryI?
I actuaIIy taIked to him...
...and he toId me about the IoveIy weekend you guys spent in Dan Diego.
Didn't jibe with the way you recounted it...
...so maybe with aII your e-maiIs and phone caIIs...
...you can get your story straight.
If there's something you need to teII me before we go down this road...
...if I'm gonna have a surprise in the deIivery room...
...I wouId just appreciate it that you erase any and aII--
CaII me.
-Was I right or was I wrong? -About what?
The DarryI thing. your wife. and the mystery about the baby.
Dhe's sIeeping. I Ieft a message.
And the casuaI manner with which you bring up this topic. it makes me edgy.
Do if you wouIdn't mind not doing that anymore I'd reaIIy appreciate it.
-I got some snacks. -Yes. I see.
UnfortunateIy. I need you to drive. I'm on Vicodin.
I'm not supposed to operate heavy machinery.
I wiII teII you this:
If you bIink. if you even Iook Iike you might be dozing. Iet aIone faII asIeep...
...I'm gonna put hands on you. I'm gonna choke you out with your own scarf.
Wrap that thing around your neck and choke you the fuck out. Promise.
Deems a bit drastic.
Take off your gIasses.
I bought them. I wanted to showcase them.
It's night. You're driving.
You act Iike you've never been in a fender-bender.
-Remove them. -Okay.
-JoIt CoIa? Drink it. -Yeah.
-You're not the boss of me. you know. -I know. Just drink it.
PIease.
Attaboy.
By the way. when I feII asIeep...
...that was a one-time occurrence.
-I know what I'm doing. I'm a grown man. -Did you remember to use the restroom?
ETHAN: Oh.
[PINK FLOYD'D ''HEY YOU'' PLAYING OVER RADIO]
[DINGING] Hey you, out there on your own
Sitting naked by the phone
Would you touch me?
[OVER RADIO] Hey you, with you ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call out Would you touch me?
[DINGING] Hey you, Would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, l'm coming home
[COUGHING]
This is some stuff.
This window is not working.
No. I Iocked them so we couId get a good cIambake going on in here.
That way. Donny couId get stoned.
[DOG DNORING]
Am I stoned?
Do you feeI stoned?
[OVER RADIO] But it was only fantasy
No matter how he tried He could not break free
And the worms ate into his brain
Hey you Don't tell me there's no hope at all
Together we stand
Divided we fall
PETER: Then what? How did it resoIve?
WeII. it turns out the cheese grater was underneath the mattress.
Ha. ha! That is so sophisticated. And has heart.
The show has heart.
How do you know so much about this?
I run a fan site for the show. Not officiaI. but I've run a fan site for about six years.
I started it at an Internet cafe.
Used to go in there and wash my feet.
What was the site caIIed?
It'sRainingTwoAndAHaIfMen.com.
Wow.
That is subIime. Can I retract every derogatory statement I've made about you?
Thank you. Peter. That's very sweet.
-Hand me a BugIe. -Dure.
Thank you.
-WiII you feed one to the hound? -Very weII.
Are we on the highway stiII?
ETHAN: ReIax. Peter. I've got it covered.
PETER: Are you certain?
ETHAN: You're getting paranoid. That pot got to you.
PETER: Okay. AII right. you see the fIag?
It Iooks Iike a border crossing. it says ''Mexico''--
-Oh. Lord. Gosh. -What?
I thought that said Texaco. We're Iow on gas.
-Okay. we're fine. PETER: Yep.
ETHAN: We're good. We're good.
What are you gonna teII them?
AII I'm gonna do is say. ''Look. we made a mistake.''
-And we're gonna ask to turn around. -Perfect.
Okay. I need you to be quiet. Dit straight. Don't say anything.
Won't that be suspicious if they ask me a question?
-Let me handIe everything. -You handIe it.
ETHAN: Here we go. -Uh-oh. He's Iooking right at me.
ETHAN: Peter. pIease be quiet. okay?
I'm sorry.
HeIIo. The weirdest thing happened. We just kind of got shifted--
Are you guys American citizens?
Yes. Yes. we are.
-The both of you? -Yes. absoIuteIy.
Can I see your passports?
We don't have passports.
The thing is. we didn't mean to end up here.
Domehow. I must have taken the wrong exit. and we're here. so....
If we couId just maybe turn around and go back?
You wanna turn around?
Yeah. it was a mistake. We're trying to get back--
What's wrong with your friend?
Peter. don't do that.
Why are your eyes so gIassy? You been partying?
No. I have gIaucoma.
What about your friend. does he have gIaucoma too?
Answer the man. Do you have gIaucoma? No. he doesn't have gIaucoma.
What about the dog. does he have gIaucoma?
Because his eyes are gIassy as fuck.
[PETER GIGGLED]
Dhut off the car. Give me the keys. pIease.
Wait right here.
[DPEAKD IN DPANIDH]
-Did I bIow it? -No. we're fine.
You are smooth.
-Wow. -Hand me Donny. pIease.
God. my heart was in my throat. I was fIipping out.
CouId you hand me my father's ashes? They're on the fIoorboard.
Wow. What's--? What are you doing?
PETER: We took the wrong exit, we wound up here by mistake.
No matter how many times you ask. that's my answer.
You sound Iike Jason Bourne. man.
You don't know where you're going. No ID.
I wanna speak to the American consuIate.
I'm American. I have rights.
-Oh. yeah. sure. -Thank you.
Hey. Ramon. He wants to taIk to his consuIate.
[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] HeIIo. sir. WeIcome to the American consuIate.
-How can I heIp you? -That's unacceptabIe.
What are you Iaughing about? This is a serious matter. I have rights.
AGENT: You americanos sneak into our country.
You bring drugs. you party. You sIeep with our women.
I've never heard of an American sneaking into Mexico.
This wouId be an isoIated incident. It's usuaIIy the reverse.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm getting tired of your cavaIier attitude.
WeII. I apoIogize. I'm sorry.
You attempted to transport drugs across an internationaI border...
...dude.
This is serious shit.
[IN DPANIDH]
Okay. Daddy.
There.
[CLANKING]
[ENGINE DTARTD]
[YELLD]
Dhit!
Don of a bitch!
[CAR HORND HONKING]
Dtop!
HeIp!
[POLICE DIREND WAILING]
Oh. shoot.
PATROLMAN: PuII over! PETER: What the fuck?
PuII the car over!
[DPEAKD IN DPANIDH]
HoId on. Donny. it's about to get rough.
Oh. God.
[DCREAMD]
Ethan?
HoIIywood!
Oh. crud.
Peter? Peter. are you okay?
PETER: How many Iaws did we just break?
ETHAN: I don't know. 60?
I had no idea where I was going.
Then I see you. Remember. when we jackknifed together?
-But you didn't Iook Iike you. -We Iocked eyes.
-God. you Iooked crazy! -Yeah. WeII. I'm in steaIth mode.
-That's why I got the scarf on my head. -You were Iike a commando.
-You were a Comanche warrior. -Thanks.
-It was the greatest ever. -Thank you.
Don't move. Ready?
What? Oh.
That's your new headshot. Ha-ha-ha!
-Yeah. -How couId it not be?
God. the pain is extraordinary.
-WiII you e-maiI that to me. pIease? -Yeah.
Okay. AII right. Just not too much. Peter.
Rescue. A daring rescue.
-You came back for me. -Of course I did.
You're so brave.
I made you a promise. I toId you I was gonna get you home.
I'm getting you home safe. okay?
-I'm gonna kiss you. -What?
-I'm gonna give you a smooch. -No.
-Come on. baby. -No way!
-Give me a IittIe smooch. -Dtop. Peter! I'm driving! Oh!
Dick!
You got it.
-Everything's up and down with you. -I owe you bigtime.
No way I'd see my kid if you hadn't done that.
There's no way.
I Iove you. dude.
I Iove you too. Peter.
[CELL PHONE RINGD]
Oh. dear.
Dweetheart. I am so sorry.
You know how l get. l've always been jealous. lt's....
You knew about that. I toId you I ran into him there.
I know. and I know it has nothing to do with you. It's just my shit. It's my shit.
Just Iisten to me. okay? Don't say anything. Just Iisten to me.
l would never betray you, Peter, you know that.
We're a famiIy now.
Nothing eIse matters. Do you understand?
-You're so right. -Can you just get home safely, please?
-I Iove you. baby. -l love you too.
Wake up. Ethan.
Check it out.
PETER: I'm teIIing you. I wouIdn't make it up.
ETHAN: You sure? I couId've sworn I read it was man-made.
PETER: Nope. Not correct. Very oId. Formed over time.
Grand Canyon. Known fact.
Peter. I have a photogenic memory. I have recaII for--
Ethan. I promise you. It's oId. It's the Grand Canyon. it's not the Hoover Dam.
WeII. I know it's not the Hoover Dam. that was buiIt by the PiIgrims.
AIso incorrect.
It's magnificent though.
-You didn't have to stop. you know. -That's okay. It's the perfect pIace.
Let's hit the road. I can do that any time.
We've got time. We don't have to be in L.A. tiII morning.
What are you doing? ReIax.
We shouId just stick with the pIan. you know?
But I thought this was part of the pIan.
What am I missing. Ethan?
What's reaIIy going on?
When I said the Grand Canyon wasn't on the way. you said:
''Too bad. it wouId've been perfect.''
When we passed the Mississippi River you said:
''Too bad. Dad Ioved titties and jazz.''
I just-- You know. we got stuff to do and I don't wanna step on it.
I know it's hard to say goodbye.
And I didn't know your dad. but from what you've toId me he was a great father.
He was a cooI guy.
I'm just saying.
I'm just suggesting.
If you got it in you...
...he deserves a grand gesture.
Okay.
Come on. Donny.
Come here. sweetheart. Yeah.
Dad. you were Iike a father to me.
And...
...I don't know how I'm gonna make it without you.
But I know that you'II Iook after me from up there.
I'm gonna make you proud. Dad.
Okay.
I promise.
I Iove you.
Day hi to Mom.
Bye. Daddy.
He was a great guy. You wouId've Ioved him. He was just Iike me.
Hey....
There's something I've been wanting to teII you I feeI pretty awfuI about.
I kind of want to get it off my chest. I....
I ditched you at the rest stop in Louisiana.
-What? -I had no intention of coming back.
Do wrong.
Why wouId you do that?
Because I'm a pig. I'm an asshoIe. I'm working on it.
WeII. you know what? You came back with doughnuts.
I think that says more about you than Ieaving does.
Do...
...just--
You're something eIse. Thanks.
That's a Ioad off.
WeII. there's something I've been wanting to get off my chest too.
Dhoot.
I'm not reaIIy 23 years oId.
I know.
It's okay.
The other thing is...
...Peter...
...I have your waIIet and I've had it this whoIe time.
What?
What are you taIking about?
Peter...
...okay. Iisten.
Why wouId you do that?
I saw it on the pIane and I didn't wanna be aIone.
I was feeIing vuInerabIe because of my father's death.
And I just didn't wanna go across country by myseIf. you know?
-It's aII here. -Yeah.
AII my money. aII my credit cards. Everything....
Everything I needed.
This whoIe time.
-You're okay with it? -It's in the past.
What are you gonna do?
-Okay. -Okay.
-Thanks. Peter. -Yep.
-Okay. Let's just hit the road then. right? -Okay.
-You get Donny. and I'II drive. -I'II grab him in a minute.
-After I fucking kiII you! -Ow!
You IittIe thief prick.
Die. thief. You thief.
CaIm down!
Peter. count to 10. It'II heIp. Aah!
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
The phone's ringing!
[ETHAN COUGHING]
-HeIIo. dear. -Peter. it's happening.
-What? -You won't beIieve it. My water broke.
-How? -Where are you?
I'm at the Grand Canyon. I'II be there in a minute.
What? Did you just say the Grand Canyon?
Peter?
Mom? He's at the Grand Canyon.
Oh. my God.
-Who was it? -My wife has gone into Iabor.
-I thought we were having a C-section. -Get in the car.
You stepped on my Capezios. Okay. okay. okay!
Let's go!
Good God. you maniac.
Not gonna make it. That's great. I'm gonna miss the birth of my chiId.
We are gonna make it.
There's no ''we.'' Don't say ''we.''
-Okay. Iook-- No. Me first. -PIease. can I--?
No. You can't. I toId you I saw red.
I toId you I was gonna put hands on you. I have a probIem.
And I'm sorry you were the recipient of it.
But I warned you.
-I'm sorry. -Fine.
But in the future. when we're hanging out as buddies...
...if we get into a fight. don't go for my face.
-That's how I make a Iiving. Okay? -Okay.
DtiII bIeeding.
Check the gIove. there's probabIy a first-aid kit or something.
CIean yourseIf up.
Check this thing out.
Oh. shoot.
[DCREAMD]
I can't beIieve I did that.
Dorry. Peter. I'm so sorry.
I didn't think it was Ioaded. PuII over.
-No. I wanna keep going. -No. PuII over.
-I don't want to. -PuII over.
No. it didn't happen. it didn't happen! Why?!
-I'm in shock! -It burns!
ETHAN: PuII over! PuII over!
[PETER GROANING]
Don't panic! Don't panic! Don't panic!
[GROAND]
-Oh. no. -Yep.
It's right there. yep.
-I'm so sorry. -Don't worry.
We gotta stop the bIeeding. I need your scarf.
-Turn around? -No. No. a tourniquet. A tourniquet.
What the fuck are you doing?
Turn around! Dtay stiII. I got it.
You're fine. Right here. I need you to tie it. I onIy got one hand.
It's deep. We gotta get you to a hospitaI.
We're going to a hospitaI. We're gonna be fine.
Oh. God! What did I do?
-Dtop freaking out. It's okay. -What did I do? What did I do?
Let's do a IittIe acting exercise Iike we did at the rest stop in the bathroom. okay?
You're a sergeant. I'm just a grunt in your pIatoon...
...but you promised me that you'd get me home to my high-schooI sweetheart.
Okay.
Action.
[VOMITING]
-Peter. -Yeah?
I puked on the wound.
I know. It's okay. buddy.
I need you to drive. but we gotta go.
Okay?
Come on.
Get in the back seat. private. What are you. a girI or something?
-ExceIIent. -Like that?
-Yeah. Iet's roII. -Yeah. okay.
-Figured it out yet? -Figured what out?
Your son's about to be born. What wiII you name him?
-I'II know it when I see him. -How about ''Donny''?
No. Not naming my son after a masturbating dog.
Don't Iisten to him. Donny. He Ioves you.
Donny. no!
Donny. Dorry.
We're heading home!
I made it.
-Okay. come on. -I made it.
Oh. the monkey. the monkey. the monkey.
Donny. we'II be right back. okay?
Got it.
PETER: Oh. fuck.
Thank you.
I have an expectant father and a gunshot victim.
PETER: I know where we're going. Right here.
Then we cut Ieft.
-Dhoot. -What?
I forgot to crack a window for Donny.
-The door's off the car. Ethan. -Right. Okay. good.
Dee? Together we think of everything.
Okay. here we go.
-Let's get you cIeaned up. Right? -Great. Yeah.
Give me these guys.
It's aII about to go down.
Give you a vest. cover up the bIood.
Have I toId you that I Iove your perm?
Thank you. Peter.
Look who's come around.
PETER: Darah?
No. come on. come on. This way. this way. Here we go.
-Ma'am. -Here we go.
Put your handcuffs in your pocket. Hide them.
-Here's the RaIIy Monkey. -Boom.
-Ohh! -Just keep pushing.
Darah?
-Darah? -Peter?
-You hear that? ETHAN: Go!
DARAH: Peter! -Darah!
DarryI. What the fuck?
FATHER: Whoa. whoa. Whoa. hey. -Who the heII is this guy?
You gotta go. man. You gotta go.
DARAH: Peter! -Peter. it's this way.
What the fuck?
Baby! Baby. you made it!
-Jesus. Peter. are you okay? DARAH: Baby?
No. I just Iost a IittIe bIood.
-Ohh! Oh. my God! ETHAN: Everybody reIax.
ReIax. We need to find a hospitaI. okay?
-Who are you? -My name is Ethan TrembIay.
-I'm your husband's best friend. -It's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too. Let's get that baby out of your vagina.
Okay.
-Breathe. -Ahh!
[BABY CRYING]
ETHAN: Look at the babies.
Look at that baby. right?
You see it?
PETER: Hey. What do we got? -You IittIe rascaI.
-Look what you made. -Dhow me.
Ohh. He's reaIIy cute.
That's a handsome boy.
-It's a girI. actuaIIy. -Mm-mm.
-Yep. -No. the--
Dr. Greene says it happens aII the time.
You know. uItrasounds aren't aIways reIiabIe.
Right.
-LittIe Rosie. -Rosie?
LittIe Rosie Highman. Does that sound strange to you?
No. it's such a pretty name.
Darah thought you'd be okay with it.
-When did you taIk to Darah? -Right after I cut the umbiIicaI cord.
-You cut it? -The tether of Iife from mother to chiId.
I got to cut that.
-No. -Yes.
-You? -I kept some.
I kept a IittIe bit of it and put it in my waIIet.
-It's good for sore ankIes and stuff. -Wow.
Wow. Oh. my God.
Oh. my God. Ethan. I dreamt this.
-This is crazy. I had this strange dream... -Yeah?
...that was today.
And there was a bear.
What?
-And the bear chewed the cord. -Mm-hm.
That's spot-on if you think about it. That's Iike a one in a....
You know what I mean?
-I don't get it. What--? -Forget it.
It's-- It's....
It's gotta be a good sign.
I guess I'II maybe Ieave you with your famiIy...
...and I got that meeting with that agent.
-It's Friday. -Yeah.
Yeah. good Iuck.
Oh. I wanted to give you this.
It has aII of my information.
-Mm-hm. -In case you wanna get a soda.
-Or. you know. I couId babysit. -Right.
I'II keep it handy.
We had a crazy few days.
That was nuts.
We shouId do it again. Go across country again.
Okay.
-Dure. -CaII me tomorrow about it.
-If I don't-- -CaII me tomorrow about it.
I might e-maiI you. PIease don't take it personaIIy.
No. no. e-maiI's fine.
[DOG WHEEZED]
-Bye. Donny. -Do you mind if Donny and I take the truck?
FeeI free.
-It's been a reaI pIeasure. Peter. -Been a Iot of things.
Thanks.
Hey. Ethan.
WeIcome to HoIIywood.
What? You want me to come back and taIk to you?
I was just saying in the most generaI sense.
The city weIcomes you.
Just make sure you caII me tomorrow.
I'II caII you.
[DOORBELL RINGD]
MAN: Be right there.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
HeIIo?
Oh. hey. I'm Dtu. the tutor. Are you Jake?
No. I'm his father.
Oh.
I'm Dtu. the tutor.
Right.
Have you been smoking pot?
No. sir. Not at aII.
Perhaps you're smeIIing my cat.
[LAUGHD]
ALAN: Your cat? ETHAN: Yes, sir. He's an outdoor cat.
You know what. he's reaIIy funny.
Don't get crazy. I'm teIIing you. the show's funny.
Come on. You Iove him. You know you Iove him.
I survived him. There's a difference.
Um, uh, Charlie, this is Jake's tutor, Stu.
-Hey. -l'm not high, man, it's my cat.
[CELL PHONE VIBRATED]
CHARLIE: Relax, Stu. We're not cops.
ETHAN: Oh, really? He sure looks like the heat.
Like cIockwork. I toId him we'd caII him after we watched it.
DARAH: He's excited.
If she says his name. I'II freak out.
ETHAN: Pita bread?
Hummus?
Again, no thank you.
You got any more pot?
Not for $9 an hour l don't.
l mean, l don't know what you're talking about.
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