Fork Fest 2019.
For a moment I almost forgot where I was.
Still hell.
You honked at someone?
News travels fast for a town whose speed limit is mosey.
We don't honk in Conley Fork.
Unless you're trying to scare a cow off the road.
Or if your buddy's asleep at the wheel
and you're trying to gently wake him up.
Well, I am from New York,
and honking is the least offensive thing that I do.
Come on, take your music.
If I may. As a missionary,
I found the quickest way to gain acceptance
is by adopting local customs.
- Go Wildcats! - Go!
I became head of one of the best music departments in the country
without caring about being accepted.
Why start now?
'Cause now you live in a small town.
You're gonna need this people.
And your good reputation is your currency.
Once you lose it, you can't get it back,
just like your pelvic floor.
Not mine. She's still sturdy.
I do care about my reputation
among people of intellect and refinement...
so, not here.
We're sophisticated.
And Fork Fest is a hot bed of local talent.
And our choir is always a crowd favorite.
We always knock their socks off with our music selection.
I mean, unless the local Joe Cocker cover band is there,
Faux Cocker.
Last year, we sang a song about God's love,
MC Hammer's "You Can't Touch This."
And it was awesome.
Your definition of awesome is different from mine.
And yours is wrong.
No, Fork Fest is awesome.
We always do the pie-eating contest.
But maybe not this year
because of the divorce.
Oh, no, of course, we will.
We're still a family, and we all still love pie.
Yeah, we sure do.
I mean, I've loved pie since ninth grade gym class.
That's why I made a vow to pie.
But sadly, pie gave up on me
when I got pie's credit score into the single digits.
I'm also allergic to pecan.
What?
- I get a rash- - We got it.
- Stop it. - Wayne.
I'm gonna feel so guilty
if this divorce ruins Fork Fest for Cash.
It's always just been the most wonderful time of the year.
Of course, because Christmas lacks
that irresistible combination of fried food and animal husbandry.
It's where Wayne and I had our first kiss.
We got engaged there.
Cash is a Fork baby.
It's unbelievable.
Blocking the middle of the road.
Why are you in such a rush?
'Cause I'm missing...
nothing, but still.
This is ridiculous.
Arthur, don't you dare. We just talked about this.
I'm not gonna honk the horn.
People are waiting here!
Are you crazy?
I'm depressed since my wife just died.
I'm not sure if that falls under your definition of mental illness.
That's Jerry Blevins.
Which one is Jerry Blevins?
The one with the beard and the truck,
or the one with the truck and the beard?
Jerry schedules the entertainment at Fork Fest,
and if we get on his bad side,
he'll give us a crummy time slot.
Well, he doesn't know who I am,
or that I'm connected with the choir.
No, you don't get it.
Nothing goes un-talked-about here.
You got the only foreign car in town,
and everybody knows it belongs to the angry Yankee
who runs Second First's choir.
They call us the carpetbagger choir.
No, it should be the carpetbagger and the choir.
I get first billing.
- Oh, finally. - Oh, God.
I told you so.
Jerry gave us a time slot up against a tractor pull.
It's devastating to me
that you would expect me to know what that means.
Who doesn't know what a tractor pull is?
I do not--
Okay, okay. I get it, I get it.
It's less than ideal.
Less than ideal?
They're not gonna be able to hear us.
My hopes of attracting hip, young members to the church
with our happening beats are dashed.
When they're mad, I'm mad.
- You guys are mad, right? - Yeah.
You made it wrong,
and now you gotta make it right.
I'll call Jerry.
He does have a phone, doesn't he?
We're not a bunch of bumpkins, Arthur.
Of course, he has a phone.
- He doesn't have a phone. - Oh, my God.
Arthur, this is the south.
You can't just call people on the phone.
You gotta meet with them face to face.
If you want to make it right with Jerry,
you're gonna have to do it our way.
With tact and grace and elegance.
Yes, make him a noodle casserole.
Ooh. Yes.
My secret ingredient is margarine.
- Margarine? - That's what I said, margarine.
- Margarine. - Jesus.
You know that girl you had beef with in high school?
- Stephanie. - No.
- Tanya? - No.
- Tall Tanya? - No.
Girl, maybe you were the problem.
Oh, wait, you mean...
Kimmy Bell!
Ginny!
I always forget you still work here.
It's so nice that you can keep some things in your life consistent.
Oh, it's so kind of you to be concerned.
So the divorce...
what happened? Was it your fault?
Was it his fault? Was it the kid's fault?
Here's your food, Kimmy.
And I put some extra grits in there for your mama
and that little dog of hers
she bears a striking resemblance to.
Thank you.
Bless your heart.
Bless her farming heart.
You know that's just the start, right?
Fork Fest will be your first
public appearance since the breakup.
It's all anyone is gonna be asking you about.
I just won't answer.
That's only gonna make it worse.
Did you know after Keith died,
a rumor went around town that I murdered him?
What? No. Really?
Your dead husband Keith?
I learned, as a woman,
you have to control the narrative.
Either you tell the story, or people make up their own.
Okay, listen, I can't exactly tell people
that he often felt like a second child,
and spent our entire life savings
on an idiotic business idea.
Beanbag pants.
What's a beanbag pant?
I mean, really. Right?
That's a terrible idea.
But it's still the truth.
So? It'll get back to Cash.
And I am not saying one negative thing about his father,
and that is final.
Maybe you should worry about your own reputation,
'cause once it's gone, you can't get it back.
Take is from a murderess.
What, no? Nobody thinks that.
We never talk about it at book club.
So Cash and I are gonna pick up tomorrow morning
for Fork Fest at 10 A.M.
Okay, but don't be late.
We gotta get to the ping-pong game before all the goldfish die.
And just so we're on the same page,
no talking about the breakup.
There's gonna be a lot of people asking,
and I want to be a united front.
You really want to be on the safe side,
why don't we stay together?
Okay, okay, Jerry just pulled up.
Now remember,
make a personal connection with him.
Yeah, but not too personal.
Have fun with it. Keep it light.
But don't be afraid to play the dead wife card.
In a fun, light way.
Ask about his son Jason.
But not his son Jalen.
He moved to California, and Jerry hates California.
But he loves California Pizza Kitchen.
That's an example of keeping it light.
Oh, it is the guy with the beard and the truck.
And the duck said, "What, are you kidding me?
"I'm not kosher."
Well, I should get going.
I reckon them hogs ain't gonna feed themselves.
Well, unless they could feed themselves the original
barbecue chicken chop salad form California Pizza Kitchen.
That's my favorite salad.
Hardly an vegetables.
You got that right.
- Oh, Jerry, this was great. - Yeah.
You know, you ain't nearly as bad everybody says you are.
I appreciate it. Nice talking to you.
- Yeah, you, too. - Okay, buddy.
Hand sanitizer? Really?
Yeah, of course. Why not?
You implied he was dirty.
He's a hog farmer who came here straight from work.
Hand sanitizer isn't an insult. It's a medical necessity.
Everybody grosses me out, but I was raised properly.
I had a great talk with Jerry. We laughed.
We found out we had things in common.
I'll bet by tonight, we'll have an updated lineup.
Oh, Jesus.
We been dropped from the lineup altogether.
First time we won't be performing in the history of our choir.
Jerry is petty in a way I...
I really admire.
That'll leave more time for, what,
potato-sack racing
and pulling machinery with other machinery.
Well, if we're not performing,
there's no reason for you to come.
Well, I'm not gonna miss it after this buildup.
We don't want you to come to Fork Fest.
Your reputation is shot in this town,
and we can't afford to be seen with you in public, so...
And you're the nice one.
Yeah, that's how they bullied me
into being the one to tell you.
♪ We will sing one song ♪
♪ For my old Kentucky home ♪
♪ Far away ♪
Hello, everybody, welcome to Fork Fest 2019!
This is fixing to be the best Fork Fest yet.
Now I want you to play till the cows come home...
Eat till you're as full as a tick...
And celebrate till you're worn flat out.
Enoch won glossiest coat!
Good job, Enoch.
Now coming to our main stage
is Conley Fork's most popular family clog troupe,
Who Let the Clogs Out!
So sorry about you and Wayne.
No need to be sorry.
Wayne's still my best friend.
He's just too great of a guy
to let out of my life that easily.
So then what happened?
The truth is Wayne--
The truth is Wayne is a wonderful father.
- Right, Cash? - Sure. Yeah.
Girl, I remember when you and Wayne were dating,
and he wrecked your daddy's truck.
I knew then he wasn't the marrying type.
Well, actually, that's the night
I knew I wanted to marry him.
My niece's husband cheated on her...
with his podiatrist.
Oh, well, lucky for me,
Wayne has a heart of gold, and really great feet.
I couldn't have made a better choice for a husband.
I almost named this one after him,
but I didn't want him to deal with all the Lil Wayne jokes.
The way you're handling all this is very noble,
but I'm not sure he would do the same for you,
considering when you were in labor, he made you drive.
Oh, he was drunk.
Hey, Wayne. I got you a hot dog on a fork.
Oh, that's mighty kind of you.
You can't have a hotdog on a fork without a Forkarita.
Can't say I know what I did to deserve all this,
but I like it,
and I like your matching long shirt denim things.
You have a heart of gold.
And the fact that Ginny didn't see that makes her a fool.
I do have a good heart, don't I?
Nice pecs, too.
My God, I must look hungry.
Should've known that Ginny is not the nice person she pretends to be.
After all, she is friends with that murderess.
Worse...
she's friends with that honking Yankee.
Don't worry, Arthur. It's open.
You're lucky I'm not naked.
You sure you want to be seen with me?
I'm not gonna destroy your reputation?
Didn't even cross my mind.
You're gonna have to spell this town out for me.
I know a noodle casserole means I'm sorry.
What does a cake with a hungry leprechaun on it mean?
It means I won this in a cakewalk,
and I thought you might be hungry.
No, I'm not hungry.
This is Eustace Conley,
founder of Conley Fork.
He's delicious.
The story goes,
Eustace Conley came to a fork in the road.
He was so exhausted from his already long journey,
he couldn't decide which way to go,
so he did the only thing he could think to do.
Which was?
He turned back.
Now wouldn't you know, when he turned,
he was face to face with a mean, old black bear.
Now Eustace was terrified,
so he did the only thing he could think to do.
He turned back again?
He put up his fists to fight.
"Hey, coward," He yelled.
I bet you want a piece of this.
Well, wouldn't you know, despite is bravado,
the bear charged Eustace anyway.
So Eustace did the only thing he could think to do.
I don't have clue.
Eustace is proving unpredictable.
He laid down and played dead.
The bear mauled half of him, but kept him alive.
Now on account of his horrific wounds,
Eustace was unable to travel,
so he did the only thing he could think to do.
He made camp in this very place we call Conley Fork.
Well, thank you for the cake.
You are Eustace Conley.
The bear is your bad reputation,
and the choir is your little donkey.
My little what?
The bear ate Eustace's donkey.
Did I leave that out?
Rev, I'm trying to figure out the rules,
but these people have already made up their mind about me.
No matter what I do, they're not gonna accept me.
When all else fails,
show that you're one of them.
That's never gonna happen.
Welcome to the 2019 pie-eating contest.
See? We're all doing the pie-eating contest together.
Nothing's changed since last year.
- Dad's wearing a shirt. - Not by choice, buddy.
They changed the rules.
All right--first one to finish their pie wins.
No hands, no straws, no vomiting!
Wayne's as dumb as he is smoking hot.
I always assumed he was the one who screwed things up with her.
- Yeah. - But she can't say enough nice things about him.
- It's guilt. - Guilt for what?
Isn't it obvious? Ginny cheated on Wayne.
Really? Is that why he left her?
- They think I cheated on you? - No...
Did you hear that, Ginny?
Now who's ready for some pie?
Aren't you gonna defend me?
I'm ready for some pie!
Why didn't you say something?
You told me not to say anything.
But you know I didn't cheat on you.
- I never said you did. - Well you didn't say I didn't.
- So? - So?
- Yeah, so? - So, I look like the bad guy.
- Well... - Well, what?
I'm not the one who left.
What does that mean?
Maybe just this once, you are the bad guy.
And we have a winner!
And that's a disqualification.
I guess the winner is Ginny.
They say a leopard doesn't change her spots.
Why are they calling you that, Mom?
Where are you going?
Arthur, what are you doing here?
Just--I'm trying to fit in, show I'm not a snob.
Well, give up. There's no point.
Once they make their mind up about you,
they'll never change it.
- You okay? - Let's just say that
my reputation is more in the mud than yours.
Well sometimes you just gotta embrace being in the mud.
Make way.
This Yankee wants a turn.
What is happening?
My pigs is giving your jerk Yankee a run for his money.
Come here. Come here.
Come on, Arthur. You got this--let's go!
You got this!
Go, Arthur! Go Arthur!
Go, go, go--go, Arthur!
Come on, Arthur-- you can't quit.
Why not? Eustace Conley was a quitter.
Well, looks like he did it, folks.
You better be laughing at this, Jean.
You think I'm gonna shake that filthy hand?
Hand sanitizer's not gonna get the smell off that, is it?
No.
But I respect a man who's not afraid to get dirty.
We could use an act at six, if your group is still here.
We might be able to do that.
I'm happy!
This blouse is dry-clean only.
♪ You know I am back like I never left ♪
♪ I never left ♪
♪ Been chasing dreams but I never slept ♪
♪ Whoo, that boy got bars, okay, okay ♪
♪ Yes I do ♪
♪ I said amen and hallelujah, let me testify too ♪
♪ Another morning, a morning ♪
♪ Don't let self get in my way ♪
♪ I got my breath, I got my faith ♪
♪ And I remember why I came ♪
♪ I feel glorious, glorious ♪
♪ Got a chance... (To start again) ♪
♪ I was... ♪
♪ Born for this, born for this ♪
♪ It's who I am... How could I forget? ♪
♪ I made it through the darkest part of the night ♪
♪ And now I see the sunrise ♪
♪ Now I feel glorious, glorious ♪
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I'm sorry for the interruption, uh...
I just...I need to set the record straight.
Ginny never cheated on me.
She'd never do that.
'Cause...
she's the best person I ever met.
And I never left her-- she left me, which...
was probably the right choice,
even though my arms are so jacked,
they blew the sleeves off my shirt and...
I'm super great in bed.
Wayne!
Oh--hey, sorry you had to hear that, son.
Even though deep down I feel like you already knew.
All right.
Yeah. All right.
♪ I feel... Glorious, glorious ♪
♪ Got a chance...to start again ♪
♪ I was... ♪
♪ Born for this, born for this ♪
♪ It's who I am How could I forget? ♪
♪ I made it through the darkest part of the night ♪
♪ And now I see the sunrise ♪
♪ Now I feel... ♪
♪ Glorious, glorious ♪
♪ I feel... Glorious, glorious ♪
Fork Fest wasn't half bad.
Arthur helped me win this machete.
This is my, uh...
my third Forkarita.
My judgment may be a little impaired.
Uh, whoa--come on, bud.
Let's go back and ...
see if they'll trade this in for that drone.
I mean, they can't say no. We got a machete!
- Yeah! - He had the best day.
Well, of course he did.
His mama won the pie-eating contest.
Yeah, looking back,
those four to six hot dogs I had for breakfast were a bad idea.
Ginny, I know I was a crap husband, but...
I'm gonna try not to be a crap ex-husband.
I appreciate that.
I know change is not easy for you.
All right.
What are you doing?
I was going to French you.
Wayne!
- Oh, my God. - Yeah, no--I'm sorry.
- I apologize for that. - That's disgusting.
I got caught up in the moment.
Get out of here.
- Ew, I try to be nice to you... - Okay, God bless.
And you think I wanna kiss you?
What's wrong with a little kiss between exes?