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我们将在这里探索 here we will explore
一些关于袋类的真相 true facts about marsupials.
袋类是 Marsupials
这是全场最佳镜头吗 is this being the best shot
看起来像情色片 it looks like pornography??
自然了 -好多了 袋类 nature - that's better. Marsupials
它刚踢了它一脚 - he just took it in the noodle.
袋类是元理论动物 Marsupials are meta-theorians
一种在1.6亿年前就和 a group of mammals that split off from
真哺乳亚纲祖先 are Eutherian ancestors
分离了的哺乳动物 over 160 million years ago
他们可能长的像哺乳动物 they may look like other mammals,
但其实袋类隐藏着它们 but inside marsupials are hiding something
所没有的一些东西 that doesn't exist
-怎么回事 袋鼠没有胎盘 -what?? Marsupials lack the ability to grow a placenta
一个长的像带血的枕头的器官 which is an organ that looks a bit like a bloody pillow
起着交换营养和废物的作用 it acts as a waste and nutrient exchange
还能保护宝宝 and protects the baby
不受母亲免疫系统的攻击 from its mother's immune system
从而使宝宝能在 which allows human babies for example
妈妈的子宫里发育成熟 to mature inside the womb
相信我动画版本看起 trust me the cartoon version
更舒服一点 is much better-looking.
缺少胎盘的保护 Lacking the protection of a placenta
袋类宝宝们必须很快地从 Marsupial babies have to
子宫里出来 get the hell out quickly
袋鼠宝宝 the kangaroo baby
仅仅七周就从里面出来了 emerges after only seven weeks in the
天哪 oh my god
它就像一条想逃跑的 he looks like a dog penis
狗的阴茎 that trying to escape
快跑吧小火箭 它什么都看不见 run little red rocket, run! It is blind,
但是有着完全健全的四肢 but remarkably has fully functional forelimbs
并用它们往母亲的中线爬 and it uses them to climb up the mothers mid-line
直到爬到育儿袋里 till it reaches the pouch.
有点像剧末的伏地魔 Looks looks like Voldemort at the end of the series!
育儿袋就像一个口袋一样 The pouch is a bit like a pocket
但是里面有个乳头 but it has nipples in it.
宝宝紧紧抓住乳头 The baby latches on to the nipple
乳头在宝宝嘴里胀大 and the nipple inflates inside the baby's mouth
在接下来的一百天里封住了 forming a seal for the next one hundred days
宝宝松不开 the baby cannot let go,
就从这儿吸着妈妈的乳汁 as it receives milk from its mother
为了更好地理解这个 to understand this,
想象戴着眼罩然后依靠嗅觉 imagine putting on a blindfold and sniffing your way
穿过粗毛地毯 across a shag carpet
直到你找到一个 until you found a nipple
和你一样大的乳头 that was just as large as you were
然后想 and then thinking
我要把它放进嘴巴里 I should put it in my mouth.
那就是袋鼠所做的 我告诉你 That is how a kangaroo do. I'll tell you right now
我们不打算讨论 we are not going to talk about
塔斯马尼亚魔鬼 the Tasmanian Devil.
从冰淇淋蛋卷的另一端吃起 because that is not a polite way to eat that's
并不是一种礼貌的方法 starting at the wrong end of the ice cream cone,
如果你懂我的意思的话 if you know what I mean
我知道这是在澳大利亚 I know it's in Australia
它们在那儿做的都是反的 and they do everything reverse down there,
你应该听说过厕所的事 you've heard about the toilets
假设你没听过的话 if you haven't, supposedly
澳洲人把头放进马桶里 the Australian puts his head in the toilet bowl
然后往上撒尿 and pees upwards.
就和我们相反 just the opposite of us.
真的吗 谁对鸡也那样做哦 Really, who does that to a chicken??
袋熊是另一种有袋类动物 the Wombat is another marsupial
你想躲起来吗 are you trying to hide??
-还挺有用的 不像袋鼠 -it's effective. Unlike the kangaroo
它有一个后置袋 it has a rear-facing pouch.
这是因为袋熊 This is because the wombat
在地洞里挖掘和生活 digs and lives in burrows.
这儿能看到两只袋熊 Here we see 2 wombats,
都很擅长挖掘 both good at digging
但是有一个显然有点呆 but one is clearly an idiot.
另一方面 如果你是个宝宝 On the plus side if you're a baby,
后置袋防止你 a rear-facing pouch prevents you from
吃一嘴的尘土 getting a mouth full of dirt.
不好的方面在于 On the downside it means
你的袋口前就是妈妈的屁眼 there is a butt-hole directly in front of your doorway.
所以好坏相互持平 They kind of break even. Really.
袋类的阴茎 The marsupials penis
我们总是这样喊 干嘛呢 we always do this - why
我不想讨论它们的阴茎 -I don't want to talk about their penises
我们应该讨论的是 this should be about
大自然的威严 the majesty of nature.
就像是在看歌剧 It's like reviewing an opera
然后讨论着瓦格纳的鸡鸡 and, i don't know, talking about Wagner's penis
不 杰瑞 我不想百度那个 No, I don't want research to google that, Jerry.
好吧 大多数袋类的都有 Fine. Most marsupials have
两条耙形的阴茎 two prong penises
雌性有两到三条阴道 and the female has between two and three vaginas.
听起来就像一个数学题 Which sounds like a math problem
我们只能一对一但它们不是 But we have one to one and it's not
就像你所知道的并不复杂 like it's not complicated so now you know.
考拉可能是袋类里最可爱的 The Koala is perhaps the cutest of all the marsupials
但它也是进化时间最少的（哔） but it appears to have received the short end of the evolutionary (bleep)
杰瑞 不要那样哔我嘛 Jerry, don't bleep it like that
听起来就像我说的（唉） it sounds like I said (sighs)
没必要哔我啦（哔） don't even have to bleep (bleep).
考拉主要是居住在桉树上 The Koala lives mainly in the eucalyptus tree
而且几乎只吃桉树叶 and almost exclusively eats the eucalyptus leaf.
另一方面桉树叶显然不想 The eucalyptus leaf on the other hand has made it clear that it doesn't wanna
被任何东西吃掉 be eaten by anyone.
除去少的可怜的营养价值 Aside from having very little nutritional value,
它还有毒 并且很难咀嚼和消化 It is poisonous, and very hard to chew and digest.
为了解决这个问题 To deal with this,
考拉进化出了很长的后肠 the Koala has evolved a very long hind gut
来消化分解桉树叶 which ferments leaves,
有时要消化100多个小时 sometimes for over 100 hours
一种非同寻常且复杂的适应 a remarkable and complex adaptation
考拉本可以通过吃其它 that the Koala could've avoided by eating
东西来避免这个适应的 any other f*cking thing.
考拉宝宝们还没有足够成熟 Baby Koala's don't have the fully developed
的肠道来进行这种消化分解 piping to do this hind-gut fermentation
所以宝宝吃妈妈的斑点来代替 so instead they eat their mothers Freckle-pop
那是啥 一种冰棒吗 what is that - a little popsicle?
四个字的 - 排泄流食 - 哇 好恶心 two words - fecal pap - oh - oh that's gross
排泄流食是一种预消化的 fecal pap is a
绿色的粘状物 pre-digested greenish goo
就像你知道牛是如何反刍的吗 like you know how a Cow regurgitates cud?
这个就和那个很像 Well it's like that,
除了从屁股里出来之外 except out of your ass.
然后你把它给你的孩子们吃 and you feed it to your child.
大多数食草袋类的饮食 The diets of most herbivore marsupials
形成了另一种挑战 pose another challenge
难啃的草叶和树叶 the coarse grasses and leaves
磨损了它们的牙齿 wear down their teeth.
他们都进化出了一种独特的 Each has evolved a unique strategy
方法来解决这个问题 to deal with this
袋鼠有四套磨牙 the kangaroo has four sets of molars
来轮流替换 which moved forward
之前磨损的牙齿 as the front pairs wear down
袋熊的牙齿则一直生长 wombats have ruthless teeth that never stop growing
考拉独特之处是 the koalas unique strategy
以上两者都没有 is to have neither of these
所以当它们的牙齿磨没后 so when its teeth wear down,
就只能眼睁睁地饿死了 it just starves to death.
还有 考拉大脑和身体的质量比 Not only that, but the koala has the smallest brain-to-body mass ratio
是所有哺乳动物里最小的 of all the mammals.
并且它的大脑还很光滑 And it has a smooth brain,
这意味着它还没进化出 which means that it hasn't evolved
思考的部分 打个比方 the thinky-thinky parts. For example,
如果你从它们所吃的桉树上 if you pick eucalyptus leaves, which it eats,
摘下叶子来放进盘里 off the branch, and put them on a plate
考拉甚至都不知道去吃它们 the Koala doesn't know what to do with them.
一点都不聪明 Not a genius animal
但是脑子的不灵光也给了考拉 however this lack of brain gives the Koala a discrete
一种独特的进化优势 evolutionary advantage
举一个并不合适的例子 in that it does not give a f*ck case in point
淋着雨的考拉 koala in the rain.
一个例子都找不到 no f*cks given. None.
记住 Just remember
总有一天你会找到一个 one day you might find a
舒适的小地方居住的 comfy little place to live
有着食物还能遮风挡雨 complete with food and shelter
但如果你每天醒来的时候 but if you notice that you wake up to a butthole
发现你在一个屁眼前 every single day,
也许是时候改变了 it might just be time to move on
关于袋类的一些小知识 something something something marsupials
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