♪♪♪ [Bill] Romarc Inc. Of course, an anagram for I cram corn.
[Mike] Oh, good to know. [Kevin] Thank you, Bill.
[Bill] You're welcome.
♪♪♪
[Mike] The actors are already trying to escape this movie.
That's not a good sign.
♪♪♪
(screaming) [Kevin] School's out! Three day weekend! whoo!
(screaming)
(panting) [Mike] Extreme hide and seek.
♪♪♪
(shouting) Nothing works!
That was good. [Bill] You stay here.
Maybe they won't notice a six foot blond Amazon dressed in Aunt Helen's couch.
[Kevin] When Rick and Morty fans don't get their Szechuan sauce.
(shouting)
Megan! We need you! We need all of you!
[Mike] Please bring the chain back! We borrowed it from Marley's ghost!
(shouting)
(indistinct)
[Bill] Hey, Meat Loaf joined Antifa.
What? Someone got in here.
[Kevin] She's like a bat out of hell!
[Mike] That's for having the stupidest mask ever.
I'm gonna kill you! you bitch!
[Bill] Chains. They definitely can't do that.
(shouting)
[Kevin] Barrel Fire Department, doing a bang up job, as always. (Bill laughs)
(indistinct screaming)
[Bill] I have to admit, I had no idea chain fu was a thing.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ [Mike] Yep. Well, Karate Cop is dead.
[Kevin] I don't think that is, Karate Cop.
[Bill] Come on! Some of us are barely irradiated at all!
(shouting)
[Mike] Okay! Take your base! (Kevin laughs)
(whimpering)
[Bill] Me, taking up running again, after a half mile.
I am slightly less erotic, though. Just, slightly. (Mike laughs)
[Kevin] Good. (indistinct shouting)
[Kevin] These boots are made for? Posing.
(indistinct shouting)
(grunting) Aggh!
[Mike] Aww! That's disappointing that I got my ass kicked.
♪♪♪
Can I help you guys? [Kevin] Sure! Are you into murder?
We want the girl. I don't think she wants to play anymore. What about you?
[Bill] We've got some good board games! You want to play? Settlers of Katan?
Why don't you guys just go home, before somebody gets hurt?
No one's gonna get hurt! [Mike] We've got safety rags on!
You know, if you wanna play, you're gonna have to pay.
(shouting) [Kevin] Do you take Bitcoin?
(screaming) ♪♪♪
♪♪♪
[Bill] Murderous gang members. Patiently, honorably waiting their turn to
fight one on one, since the dawn of cinema. (Kevin laughs)
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ [Mike] Two sticks? He must be rich!
[Bill] La di da!
♪♪♪
[Kevin] I think I caught trench foot on my face.
(groaning loudly)
(shouting)
[Bill] Two guys attacking at once?
They're gonna be sanctioned by the murderous gang commission.
[Mike] Wearing old underwear over your mouth?
Yeah, you should be embarrassed. (Bill laughs)
[Mike] I don't know what I was thinking.
[Kevin] I have a baseball hat! (Mike laughs)
♪♪♪
[Bill] Kar Ate Cop! Hmm. Spelled strangely. But if true, what a story!
I mean. Forget it. I'm sorry, guys. (Kevin laughs)
[Mike] Ten million shameful likes on Instagram.
Under the handle, of "Get your licks".
(woman groans)
Where are my clothes? They're right behind you.
[Kevin] I bedazzled them for you. You're welcome.
Acid rain. If I didn't wash them, they'd have burned holes in you.
Don't worry. I didn't look. I bet!
[Bill] Also, the clothes Gremlin stole your bra.
Definitely didn't hide it, to wear myself later. That's ridiculous.
Are you really a cop? I was. Name's Travis. John Travis.
[Mike] And this is my dog, Woofy Travis.
I'm Rachel. I thought all law men were dead? Yeah?
Well this one is still kickin.
[Kevin] Still kickin. Still eating old beans from a rusty can.
Still crying myself to sleep at night. Yeah, I'm Karate Cop.
[Mike] Grrr! Rideny Reans! (Bill laughs)
[Kevin] Never not funny.
You hungry? Isn't everyone? Does that car work?
[Bill] Is that car hungry? Maybe?
I'll make you deal? You give me a ride home, and I'll trade you for a hot meal?
[Mike] Rot Real? Rees Ray Res? Rees?
What do you think, Mick? (Mike mumbles) I rade ryself rerrectly rear roo rumbass!
[Bill] (laughs) Ah. Delightful.
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Ha ha! They won't get by this!
[Bill] Uh, they just did! [Kevin] Oh!
Now then. Drive to the next side street!
[Mike] I can't win! They're tactical geniuses!
♪♪♪ Get out!
[Bill] Tell those guys to move. I'll wait here.
(indistinct shouting)
[Kevin] He's not a suicide bomber. Just too dumb to have thought this through.
(shot fires)
Let's go!
[Mike] "Let's go". That's the kind of thinking, that made him Karate Cop.
Why don't you just shoot them? I can't kill them all!
What about the car? I'll get the car later.
[Bill] Like most angry mobs, they're main stated demand, is "Hey! (mumbles)"
♪♪♪ Where's the dog? He disappears when there's trouble.
[Kevin] And he NEVER helps with the rent!
Come on!
♪♪♪
[Mike] The future world is 100% back alleys and dumpsters.
(Bill loudly mumbles)
(Bill loudly mumbles) (Kevin laughs)
♪♪♪ This could get interesting.
[Kevin] Unlike our movie. I hope you can shoot.
♪♪♪
[Mike] (grumbles) Hey guys. I'm Todd.
I just wanted to tell you, you left your headlights on.
Snaker owns this part of town. Strangers ain't welcome.
[Kevin] Oh no. Beatniks return after the Apocalypse? [Bill] Ugh.
Snaker sees the girl before? But who's you?
A stranger. [Mike] Even to myself. I'm in therapy.
All cops are dead! Snaker will lie here!
[Bill] Snaker need Propecia for his bald spot.
Maybe you'll give me the girl.
And Snaker will let you live. Steady.
[Kevin] Hey, how come I'm the only one with face like dis? (Bill laughs)
♪♪♪
[Mike] A cop! Who knows karate? This is unheard of!
[Bill] Back off! He's got a fingerless glove!
[Mike] Snaker is very upset. Someone feed him a frozen mouse.
[Bill] Snaker.
How much further? It's only a couple of blocks.
[Kevin] My name is Karate Cop.
Not training for a half marathon cop.
♪♪♪ Damn! Nothing works!
Gotta climb it! No! It's an electrifying fence.
[Bill] Well, they could be starting a community vegetable garden. But no.
Always with the chasing, and the yelling, and the brandishing. ♪♪♪
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Dammit, dog! This is the third Beggin' Strips warehouse you've lead us to!
♪♪♪
(indistinct shouting)
[Mike] Well, good thing they didn't notice the giant hole in the gate.
You gotta come out sometime cop!
And when you do, Snaker will be waiting.
[Bill] And SNAKER immediately stops waiting and goes home.
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Huh. Like what you've done with the place.
♪♪♪
Cal! Rachel, where's Michael? The scabs got him.
They would have got me too, if it wasn't for him.
Who's he? His name's John Travis.
[Mike] He may seem a bit boring at first.
But believe me he's much more boring.
These are the Freebies. Friendly looking bunch.
They're my family. Nice to meet ya.
[Bill] This gritty reboot of The Little Rascals? Bad idea.
♪♪♪
It's okay. Relax, kids. He's a friend. I promised him a hot meal.
[Kevin] So boil up some old sweatsocks, and add our best paint chip sauce.
♪♪♪ Is he the one, now?
No questions now. We'll talk later.
[Mike] Now give that hat back to the elderly deer hunter you stole it from.
(kids shouting indistinct)
[Bill] Mmm! Salisbury cat!
Where are all the kids come from? Kids? We're Freedom Fighters!
Most of them are orphans. We've been helping take care of them.
We can take care of ourselves. [Kevin] I changed my own diaper, today.
I don't want these kids to grow up like those scabs out there.
But I found a way out. We can save them. We can help them.
We? Listen, we had a deal. And I lived up to my end of the bargain.
Now I'm gonna go north to Washington.
[Mike] It's nice that she takes off her headband at meal time. That's classy.
[Bill] Mm hmm!
You have an old black and white four door car?
Yeah. You'd better get out there right away.
[Bill] They're enraged by his co-exist bumper sticker.
(shouting)
(indistinct)
[Kevin] We're gonna smash up this rare, functional car.
Instead of stealing it for our own use, because? Oh, crap!
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ (glass breaks)
[Bill] Hulk is like (deep voice), It might be too much smashing, even for me!
(glass breaks)
[Kevin] Even automobile hating hippies are now saying,
"Please! Please! Leave the poor car alone!" [Bill] Suffered enough.
♪♪♪
(indistinct)
[Mike] This is his interpretation of Henry The Fifth Band of Brother's speech.
[Bill] Well, done, Snaker.
♪♪♪ [Bill] You've only got three hand grenades left!
But I think it's worth using one here to make my point!
(indistinct shouting)
(explosion)
[Kevin] Yeah, you want to blow something up, you've got to tenderize it first.
Hit it with sticks for five or ten minutes. [Bill] Just common sense.
Damn! [Bill] That is a shame.
Don't worry. I've got another deal for you. I was afraid of that.
♪♪♪
[Mike] Well, at least its finally cleaning out those
15 year old Burger King wrappers still on his floor. (Kevin laughs)
[Kevin] Inaction, Jackson!
♪♪♪
What's up here? It's a teleporter.
It will instantly send you any place on the globe,
where's there's another unit to receive you.
[Bill] So, it's like Grinder!
In this area, and most of the others were destroyed.
But, we believe the juno unit in the north is still active.
[Mike] If we get it working, we can use it sneak beers into baseball games.
Does this really work? We sent a rat through. (Mike laughs)
We THINK it works. All the systems check out.
However, the crystal cracked when we sent the rat through.
[Kevin] He tried to drag a slice of pizza back with him. Really borked it up.
Checking on another unit for another crystal.
Lincoln wants this to expand his drug empire. We need you.
To go to the third unit, get the crystal, bring it back, so you can install it?
[Bill] No! I was gonna say clean our bathroom,
while we're busy doing this important task.
I'll have to think about it. Good.
[Mike] I miss the rat. (Bill laughs)
(grunting)
[Kevin] Hey, it's just friendly sparring, Tim. Stop growling at me.
(grunting) [Mike] Whoa Flavor town got sexy.
One man. He was a warrior. Shh! Shh!
[Kevin] All right then. Let's pop that zit, for ya.
Listen to me, you mutated scavenger slime.
[Bill] Aww.
I need, that crystal. And she is the only one that knows where it is.
[Bill] When your big bad looks like an aging wedding band singer.
Want this cop DEAD!
You fail me, and I will gut you like a fish.
[Mike] Thanks for the audition, but we don't think
you have what it takes to be a wrestling heel. Next!! (grunting)
(grunting)
[Kevin] Thumbs up to cheese fries!
Thumbs down to fries without cheese. (Bill laughs)
[Bill] Jay Leno's garage survives!
I've been saving this, just in case.
[Mike] Just in case she ever needs a vehicle, like she did, earlier today.
Do you ride? Maybe.
If you help us, it's yours.
Wait a minute. It's a nice bike. But I don't know if it's worth the price.
Don't worry, it's simple. All you have to do is pick up something.
[Kevin] No thanks. I'll already "picked up something" on my last trip to Tijuana.
It's a long walk to Washington.
Got any fuel? Enough.
[Bill] The E on the fuel gauge stands for "enough", right?
I don't know. It's right here.
You get in and out, it's simple. Yeah, simple.
[Mike] Yeah, that's what they said about zippers.
Can't hurt. When you get to the teleporter, remember the fail safe system.
Once it's activated, it can't be stopped. you'll have to hurry.
Believe me, I'm not about to forget.
[Kevin] (laughs) He has the same energy as a dad getting ready to go to Walmart.
[Bill] Good, boy. I don't know why we're in this scene. either. Yeah.
[Mike] Hurry, before Lorenzo Lamas wants it back.
What made you think I just won't turn north, and keep going?
Because I don't think you're that type of man.
And besides, Cal will keep me company until you get back.
[Kevin] Ah, yes.
The dog who definitely isn't being written out of the story,
because shooting with the dog is more expensive.
Oh. I almost forgot.
[Bill] I got you a Big Hunk. It's ironic. Like when you call a fat guy Tiny.
Not many of those left. [Mike] Yeah, because they're terrible.
Good luck. [Kevin] You'll need it, digesting that century old candy bar.
She's real trusting. You be good, Mick.
[Bill] Stop pretending we shot this scene in the same place!
You don't even know where I am! I'm tired of the lies! Arf!
♪♪♪
[Mike] And, he instantly wipes out, like the guy in 1990 Bronx Warriors.
[Kevin] Watch it, people.
♪♪♪
[Bill] This town needs some of those dog poop bag dispensers.
But for dead human bodies. ♪♪♪
♪♪♪
[Mike] Oops! Rode right onto the set of Space Future Cop Police.
Totally different movie. (Kevin laughs)
I told you we'd get you cop!
[Kevin] You know, this new cat woman is decidedly unsexy.
Gonna die. Not today I won't.
[Bill] Jellicle cats! Get him!
♪♪♪
[Mike] Yeah, just wave the guns around. Don't use them.
♪♪♪
[Kevin] You can't have our bags of old doll heads!
♪♪♪
[Bill] Whoa! Way to go stuntman cop! I mean, Karate Cop.
[Kevin] Yeah! ♪♪♪
[Mike] Those pliers look way too clean for this world. Splash some grease on them.
♪♪♪
What's up? [Kevin] I feel bad we ate that man's dog. Come on, Cal.
What's bothering you? Do you think he's gonna make it?
If anyone can make it, it's John Travis. [Bill] A guy who I just met today.
[Mike] I hope he takes off his helmet to reveal he has a cat face now, too.
[Kevin] Yeah, that's good. Show us every time he changes hats.
This movie knows what's important.
[Bill] Quick stop at the public library.
He's been meaning to look up what exactly "karate" is.
[Mike] Dammit! I'll have to call Locksmith Cop.
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Pink Floyd should make an album cover out of this place.
♪♪♪
[Bill] Eat your heart out, Batman's utility belt.
This guy's got a duffle bag, with exactly ONE thing in it.
[Mike] Dah! Not my face! Not my face! Oh!
Simple, she said.
[Kevin] Simple she said. And yet, there's a conveniently open window
in range of the grappling hook that I conveniently have.
She had the nerve to say it would be simple.
[Bill] Dammit, Karate Cop! This is no time for a panty raid!
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Having him scale a wall, like the old Batman series,
is a nice homage to Adam West being in the first movie.
I wonder if that was intentional?
[Mike] (Adam West voice) It absolutely was not, old chum.
[Kevin] Thank you, Adam.
♪♪♪
[Bill] Space Mutiny style railing kill? You'd be welcome any time, now.
[Kevin] Oh please.
♪♪♪
[Mike] Nothing phases this hard-nosed cop of the future.
Except for a spooky staircase.
[Kevin] Okay, you guys are getting this on film, right?
I'm doing all my best, most intense karate right now!
[Bill] Oh, for sure! Yeah!
[Kevin] Because after this, I'll be too tired to do it again!
[Bill] Yeah, we definitely got it. [Kevin] Okay.
♪♪♪
[Mike] Slower, slower. I want a feel every, single, stair. Yeah.
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Yeah. THIS was the point when the actor
tried to remember when he got his last tetanus shot.
[Bill] (laughs) Okay.
You're movie is only allowed to be this dark, if you're in a cave looking for Octaman.
[Mike] Aww. Nobody told him reading was part of the mission.
[Kevin] Yeah, he's not literacy cop!
♪♪♪ (growling noise)
[Bill] All the world's didgeridoo players are hiding out down here.
It's the didgeridoo motherload!
(growling noise heard)
[Mike] Huh. AV equipment, candles, and Tuvan throat singing.
Sure. This is all starting to make sense.
(growling noise heard)
[Kevin] Never has a movie been so proud to feature
two clamps holding a small piece of quartz.
[Bill] Kind of have to respect it, really.
[Mike] Okay. I'm done respecting it. [Kevin] Yeah, me too. [Bill] Fair enough.
(growling noise heard)
(indistinct) [Kevin] Jabba the Hutt?
(indistinct)
[Mike] Hmm. Well, you weren't too far off. (Kevin laughs)
(growling noise)
[Bill] Marlon Brando really DID get weird toward the end, didn't he?
(indistinct)
(growling noise heard)
[Kevin] Oh man! I'm late for the committee meeting! I'm crazy bull (bleep).
(indistinct)
[Bill] This t-shirt canon holds the hope for all future civilization.
(indistinct)
[Mike] I hope it turns out they based a whole religion,
on that rat the other people tried to send through the teleporter.
[Kevin] STOP giving the movie ideas, Mike.
[Mike] Somebody's got to. It doesn't have any of its own.
(growling) [Bill] Well, I've seen enough. I'm joining this club!
[Kevin] (laughs) Okay.
Nice little scene of almost completely total darkness.
And now we return to, completely total darkness.
[Mike] And now, some dim light.
Ophthalmologists should use this movie to test for cataracts.
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Gah. These new weed smoking devices are so complicated!
I miss bongs!
♪♪♪
(Bill humming)
♪♪♪
[Bill] Indiana Jones! Steals a kid's lame science project.
(Mike hums Raiders of the Lost ark theme)
(Bill hums) [Kevin] Da da. No.
[Mike] Okay, Karate Cop, focus, and try to
remember every detail of what you learned in your training!
Turn the knobs counter clockwise. Yeah. Karate.
[Kevin] Hey! They were gonna hook that thing up
to a potato later and make a battery.
♪♪♪
[Bill] Ah. sorry folks. Even I don't know why this scene is still going.
♪♪♪
[Mike] Oh. Great job recreating the experience of trying to find
and open your snacks in a dark movie theater.
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Now replace it with something long thin and round.
No! Not that, Karate Cop!
Almost mine. [Bill] Just gotta do five more minutes of gradual knob turning.
[Mike] Noo! Noo!
♪♪♪
(screaming)
[Kevin] But wait. Something's happening! [Bill] I almost forgot that was possible!
[Mike] Still can't see it, though. [Bill] Hooray.
Warning! Warning! That's all I need.
Fail safe is now active. You have 90 seconds until self destruct.
[Kevin] That sign used to show the specials at a chinese restaurant.
(grunting)
(grunting) [Bill] Ned Blandford is aghast at all this grunting. (Mike laughs)
Deep RiffTrax cut there.
May be disarmed, by entering code onto keyboard.
[Mike] Free wonton soup with family size entrèe.
Oh damn. You have 70 seconds until self destruct mechanism is activated.
[Kevin] Use that weirdly specific amount of time
to enter the code that you somehow know.
Immediate evacuation is strongly suggested.
[Bill] Hope he winds up falling in love with this sign,
like in the movie, Her. (grunting)
(grunting) Immediate evacuation is strongly suggested.
[Mike] Bad awkward fighting is optional.
You have 45 seconds. You must now evacuate.
[Kevin] Ah! Finally some karate. [Bill] Yeah. [Kevin] There we go.
(buzzer sounds)
Adios, you ugly son of a bitch. [Bill] Thanks for not mentioning my weight.
You now have 30 seconds.
(buzzer sounds)
[Mike] Waiting for the helpful sign, to tell him
where the most convenient restrooms are on his way out.
Best sports bar in town. How to improve his golf swing.
♪♪♪ You now have only 20 seconds.
[Kevin] Huh. Felt more like 10 seconds.
You have 10 seconds.
[Kevin] And that felt like way less. (grunting)
You have 8. You have 7.
[Bill] You're just gonna leave me down here to die, aren't you, Karate Cop?
You have 5, 4,3, 2, 1. ♪♪♪ You have 0 seconds.
[Kevin] A painfully long build up that pays off with absolutely nothing.
Karate Cop.
Nothing works anymore. Thank god.
[Bill] And we were able to shoot this sequence at the DMV overnight,
without my boss finding out. Thank god.
[Mike] Any curiosity at all, about the cult of weird
underground barbarians speaking a language no one's ever heard before?
Naw, you're right. It's probably nothing. [Kevin] Yeah.
[Kevin] (laughs) Jackass Junction.
Located right next to important government building.
[Bill] Jackasses are drawn to this place, like moth to a flame.
(music heard)
[Kevin] Ugh.
(music heard) [Mike] Boo! Less midriff. More jackass!
(music plays) [Kevin] Penny wise, the clown, has a sister?
[Bill] Dalton walks into this place, takes one look around, walks right back out.
(music plays)
[Kevin] Hey, is it okay for me to open carry my shot gun in here?
Ha ha! I'm kidding. Of course it's okay for me to open carry my shot gun in here.
(music plays)
[Bill] You know, maybe some civilizations just aren't worth saving. [Kevin] Yeah.
[Mike] I'm Jackass.
[Kevin] and I'm Junction. (Bill laughs)
[Bill] I gave syphilis, me!
[Mike] Aww, it's true what they say.
If your movie is bad enough, David Carradine will magically appear.
[Bill] Like Brigadoon. (Mike laughs)
Hey there fella. Welcome to Dad's.
The best and the only place to eat on highway 21.
What's your pleasure? What you got?
[Kevin] Uh, black mold, old roaches, probably the plague.
You are a lucky man today.
Why, just this morning my son Tom got himself a jackee rabbit.
Hardly any boils on him at all.
[Bill] My son, that is.
So, special of the day is. Dad's jackee rabbit stew.
Uh? Okay. and a glass of water. Clean, if you got it.
One Dad's special, coming up.
[Mike] It's special because it comes with a free copy of Future Force.
(music plays)
[Kevin] Someday, the dead possum brassiere is gonna come back in style.
You'll see!
[Bill] It's like single's night at Appleby's. Only a little less depressing.
(music plays)
[Mike] Any of you studs into women with a bit of back filth? (Kevin laughs)
(music plays)
[Kevin] Sorry this took so long. I got kind of hung up back there.
Yeah I went there.
Smells interesting. [Bill] Like a hot portapotty at a county fair.
Like I said. Best food around.
Must have been one large jack rabbit.
[Mike] Uh, excuse me. The word is jackee rabbit.
God. you haven't seen a motorcycle around here, have you?
Nope. Can't say that I have.
[Kevin] We mostly ride penny farthing bicycles around here. (guys laugh)
Go ahead. Eat up. (music plays)
[Bill] This isn't artisanal. I just know it.
Can't help noticing you're wearing a? Um? Like a uniform.
Are you military or something? Yeah, something. I used to be a cop.
[Mike] Well, a stripper, dressed as a cop.
Not that it's any of my business, but why would a cop.
You're right! It's none of your business.
Just trying to be friendly. Go ahead. Eat up.
[Kevin] I'll just stand here, being sweaty.
Say, uh? Where are you headed? West.
[Bill] He was inspired by the journey of Fievel. (Mike laughs)
What do I owe you? The price. (he laughs) Well, children?
What do you think? A pot of Dad's special of jackee rabbit stew is worth?
[Mike] Should make him record some terrible music for us?
Like we did with the last guy?
(laughing)
[Kevin] This is MY crappy movie, now!
Now you just, raise up your hands, nice and easy, and nobody will get hurt.
(laughs) At least not yet.
[Bill] I know threatening customers is bad for my Yelp rating,
but I just can't help it!
(music plays) (they laugh)
[Mike] They just simultaneously remembered a Ziggy strip from 1981.
[Kevin] You can have my gun, when you pry it from... Oh, never mind. (Bill laughs)
What was it you was talking about? The price. Yeah. Well, I'll figure uh?
[Bill] A sensual back rub.
Keys to that motorcycle I got parked out back.
And that bag there. You can have her. She's not my type.
[Mike] Meaning she's not wearing a grimace costume.
(she laughs)
You just put your hand down into your pocket. And slowly take out them keys.
Or I will take them off your body after you're dead, if you prefer. I don't mind.
[Kevin] You know, I got fired as a valet for saying that.
Yeah.
[Bill] This week, in unnecessary slow motion.
(smacks)
(glass breaks) Dammit!
(shots fire)
[Mike] All right! That's it, pal! You're cut off! (Bill laughs)
(glass breaks)
(grunting)
(shots fire)
[Kevin] My only regret is dying over stew payment methods! (Bill laughs)
(smacks)
[Bill] Starting to suspect, this isn't actually a Mumblecore film.
(screaming) (music plays)
(music plays) [Mike] Goths and Karate Cops are natural enemies.
(screams) (glass breaks)
[Kevin] The dead will soon find out that this song is also playing in hell.
(music plays) (grunting)
(smacks)
[Bill] Hey! Violence is silly and sexy. (she laughs)
[Mike] Oh! How is food so scarce? Yet beer so plentiful?
(glass breaks) (music plays)
[Kevin] Yeah, it's too bad negotiations with Helen Mirren broke down.
She could have brought SO much to this role!
Hey there fella. You wanna dance?
I'd like to, but my feet are killing me. And everybody else.
[Bill] Ha! How dare you out quip me! How dare she out quip me?
♪♪♪
(laughing) Quick! He comes! [Mike] I better go ahead and start unhinging my jaw!
[Bill] Ah, Snaker. Ah, Snaker.
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Well, the troll got sick of those three billy goats gruff out smarting him.
So he hired some mercenaries.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ [Bill] Ambush? Or corporate team building exercise? Hard to tell.
♪♪♪
[Mike] Admit it. You guys are totally jealous that I get to hold the stick.
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Be VERY quiet. We're hunting karate cops. Huuuh!
♪♪♪
[Bill] You hardly ever see just one of the Daft Punk guys.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ (shouting)
(engine revs)
[Mike] All right. These You Tube prank shows are out of control.
Boots are mine! Boots are mine! I want the bag!
♪♪♪ I don't care. Get the stuff!
[Kevin] Oh god! He's laying eggs! (laughter) (Bill laughs)
♪♪♪
(grunting)
(screaming) [Bill] Dolph and Kearney went the same way.
♪♪♪ Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! No!!
God! [Mike] It's his complexity that makes him such a good villain. (guys laugh)
[Kevin] Chariots of Fire! Cop.
(shot fires)
♪♪♪
[Bill] Live, laugh, love. That's what Snaker's all about. [Kevin] Yeah.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ Damn! No! Get him!
[Mike] They're despicable, yet persistent. Like Amway sales people. (Bill laughs)
Go! (Kevin laughs)
(indistinct shouting)
[Kevin] In a world without deodorant,
one man dares to exercise while wearing leather.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ (Mike growls)
(shots fire)
[Mike] He was aiming for his shoes. Because he's a Sketcher's brand loyalist.
[Bill] Snaker loves Sketchers!!
We're gonna get you, pal! Hear me?
♪♪♪ (indistinct)
[Kevin] Well, this is how I do corn mazes. (Bill laughs)
♪♪♪
[Bill] They were gonna cut this scene,
but test audiences in Iowa just went crazy for it!
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ [Mike] Cinematography by he who walks behind the rows.
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Hiding behind cereal grains. Like a true action hero.
♪♪♪
(shots fire)
♪♪♪ [Bill] Farmer Maggot! Noo!
(shouting)
Find him! Find him! Snaker's gonna get you!
[Mike] Hmm. Well said, sir.
They got Rachel. What? Lincoln's men got her when she stepped outside.
She thought it was you. I told her to be careful.
I knew things were going too well to be easy.
[Kevin] Things going horribly. Now that's easy.
I wanna go with you. No, Cal, you just stay here. I'll get Rachel.
♪♪♪ [Bill] Brought some donkey sauce for you to try! ♪♪♪
Excellent. Did you boys check this woman for weapons?
[Mike] This scene is actually used as a TSA training film.
♪♪♪ Perhaps I should keep you for myself.
(she spits) I'd rather rud with a mutant hog.
That could be arranged. [Kevin] I know a guy who knows Porky Pig.
♪♪♪
Get her ready.
[Bill] I'm the gold cloth lady. I hold the gold cloth. (guys laugh) Yep.
[Mike] Are you tough, diligent, and overweight?
Consider joining the fat guy army!
[Bill] Ugh! Ugh!
♪♪♪ You'll just have to pick up something, she says.
[Kevin] He gets so snippy when he's sleeveless.
♪♪♪
[Bill] Man, I hope this sneaking into an ugly building scene,
can top the first sneaking into an ugly building scene.
[Kevin] I don't know.
[Mike] What was that? Hopefully a less dumb helmet?
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Maybe my shrink was right.
Maybe I do resort to violence to make up for my weirdly low ears.
♪♪♪ [Bill] These guys are awful.
BUT, my resemblance to Mark Fuhrman will win them over.
[Kevin] Oh yeah.
♪♪♪
(indistinct shouting heard)
[Mike] I'm glad we're all taking face safety seriously. It's about time!
♪♪♪
(shouting)
[Kevin] Beyond Infinite Jest was just a cop out!
[Mike] It's Wallace's metafiction taken to its purest logical endpoint!
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ (indistinct shouting)
(indistinct shouting)
[Bill] This is the same way we saw solve internal disputes here at RiffTrax, so.
Just so you know. Inside baseball. (Kevin laughs)
That's it. (indistinct)
(laughs) [Kevin] Oh, very brave of him risking head lice.
(shouting)
[Bill] Peanuts! Popcorn! Jackee rabbit stew!
Get your peanuts, popcorn, and jackee rabbit stew!
(indistinct shouting)
[Mike] Medieval Times is way different than I remember.
My aren't we fashionable today! What's the matter?
[Bill] Dark helmets, NFL days.
(indistinct shouting)
[Kevin] This ABBA reunion was a bad idea.
(indistinct shouting)
♪♪♪ [Bill] It's like Slave Leia had her own Slave Leia. (Kevin laughs)
[Mike] Go! Ugly guy!
[Kevin] No! Ugly guy sucks! I'm rooting for Ugly guy.
♪♪♪
(indistinct shouting)
[Bill] Just two roommates, who can't agree which way to hang the toilet paper.
♪♪♪
[Mike] Light menthol slims. Hell yeah!
♪♪♪ (cheers)
(cheers)
[Kevin] Are you not entertained? [Bill] Yes! [Mike] We are not entertained as hell!
[Kevin] Huh?
Oh supreme commander, I await my prize!
[Kevin] I put my trust in you, guy who has people fight to the death for his pleasure!
Settle down, my dear. The prize is not won so easily.
It's only the first step. The best is yet to come.
[Bill] The great, post apocalyptic bake off!
Bring out...The champion! (cheers)
[Mike] Oo. I hope it's the San Diego chicken. [Kevin] Please.
(indistinct shouting) (growling)
[Kevin] (laughs) All these guys look like different versions of Captain Lou Albano.
(Bill laughs)
[Bill] It's like the Last Waltz. But everyone's slightly cleaner.
Ugh. I wonder if the rest of him is as big and ugly?
[Mike] Yes. I mean his pinky toe.
♪♪♪
Halt!
[Kevin] We have a dork in our presence!
Since the prize, is so great. We electrify the fence!
[Bill] And then don't whiz on the electric fence!
(cheers) ♪♪♪
♪♪♪ (laughs)
Let the games begin!
[Mike] (laughs) I mean let the games continue!
Saying about the best is yet to come? (she laughs)
I told you the fun was just beginning.
[Kevin] Yeah, but I don't think you know what begin means. (Bill laughs)
[Bill] This is how Jerry Jones watches every Cowboys game.
♪♪♪
[Mike] Gotta hit the Dippin Dots stand before the halftime rush.
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Guys who aren't cops, doing fighting that's not karate.
Karate Cop! (Bill laughs)
♪♪♪ [Bill] My face! and hair, and body grease. No.
♪♪♪
(indistinct shouting)
[Mike] And he finishes him off through the Spanish announcer's table.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Okay. Climbing stairs in the dark. That's kind of sorta, karate, right?
♪♪♪
[Bill] Must be hell transcribing his post fight interview.
[Mike] Sir, how many R's in Grrrrow??? ♪♪♪
[Kevin] MC Escher did the pit fighting arena staircase.
(indistinct shouting heard)
(indistinct shouting) ♪♪♪
[Mike] Uh! Why did you even bother electrifying the fence?
(grunting)
(cheers)
(he laughs) Invigorating, isn't it?
[Bill] And tomorrow, we've got Paula Poundstone!
Hey! What are ya doing there?
(shots fire)
[Kevin] Oh, Karate Cop! You're the karate-est!
Is there anyone here, who wishes to challenge the champion?
For this lovely prize?
[Mike] And please remember, ladies and gentlemen,
this is a double elimination tournament.
(laughing)
[Bill] Whoo. Thank you.
Take a look at your new lover! I'm sure you'll both be very happy together.
[Kevin] I mean that sincerely. I'll bring up your name at prayer group.
(shouting)
The deal is over. But the fun is just beginning for you, my dear.
[Bill] And after it begins, it's only the beginning! (Mike laughs)
Take me to town to get a hot meal. Ha!
[Mike] Come out to the coast, ripoff Die Hard. Have a few laughs.
(cheering)
♪♪♪ [Kevin] George. George. George of the Thunderdome. Strong as he can be!
♪♪♪
[Bill] Ahh! Why am I still holding on??!!
♪♪♪
I should kill you now, but you're my ticket out of here.
[Mike] Also, could you give me tickets to Little River Band? (Bill laughs)
Get back.
♪♪♪ What took you so long? Traffic.
(meowing) [Kevin] Oh! A cheetoh!
(groaning) It's time for plan B. What's that? Run!
Get him! Get the bastard!
[Bill] The guy who shot your girlfriend?
[Mike] I have no quarrel with him. ♪♪♪
[Kevin] Ah. Stage. Do not enter.
Advice every actor in this movie should have been given.
♪♪♪
[Bill] Should we grab that rope?
[Mike] Uh, naw. Carradine said he wanted it for something?
[Bill] Eh. ♪♪♪
[Kevin] Ah, nad punching. Kara-tay at its pinnacle.
♪♪♪
[Bill] The set of an 80's stand up show.
[Mike] Have you seen these karate cops? Are you with me, people?
♪♪♪ (shouting)
♪♪♪ Snaker!
[Kevin] Second incoherent grunting guy?
Sir, you are no first incoherent grunting guy.
♪♪♪
[Mike] She's reconsidering her rudding with a mutant hog policy.
♪♪♪
Halt! ♪♪♪
(shouting)
[Kevin] You know what? Second incoherent grunting guy has won me over.
Go to hell first incoherent grunting guy!
(shots fire) Let's go!
♪♪♪ Come on! This way!
[Bill] You idiot! What is it? Your first time on this roof?
♪♪♪ (grunting)
[Mike] (laughs) He sounds like Ralphie beating up Scut Farkus. (Bill laughs)
♪♪♪
(grunting)
[Kevin] (grunting) Harrr! Say, it's a nice day up here.
I gotta get outside more often.
♪♪♪
[Bill] Is my mask held on with electrical tape? Yeah, it is. Good, good. (Kevin laughs)
♪♪♪
[Mike] They'd better be careful up here.
Chris R. is gonna demand an unspecified type of money from them. (Bill laughs)
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Okay plan B. We karate so hard, that we fly.
We're gonna have to jump. What are you, crazy?
Trust me. It's simple. Simple? Just hit and roll.
[Bill] Just don't plummet to your death.
It's simple. Ready? Yeah.
Now! (she screams)
[Mike] I forgot to wear underwear today!
Come on Travis! Jump! (he screams)
[Kevin] See? Ugh! Simple as I. Gonna pass out. Riding a bike. (grunting)
(she grunts)
Travis your leg! [Bill] You only got shot once in it, despite taking no cover at all.
♪♪♪
(shots fire) [Mike] Post apocalyptic death compounds. Just leave them!
[Kevin] Wow. Can't believe she got gunned down as we fled.
Oh well. Supper time.
♪♪♪ [Bill] Extreme photo matte crafting!
♪♪♪
[Mike] He's carving slip knot rules. [Kevin] He'll never regret that.
♪♪♪
[Kevin] This is how Bear Grylls make s'mores.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ [Bill] Lord, that's deep. Is he removing his spleen???
♪♪♪
[Mike] Grrrr. Wait. This is a nacho cheese, pretzel combo!
(grunts) ♪♪♪
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Graphic, real time, first aid, cop.
♪♪♪ [Bill] Oh please. Please, apply a Snork's band aid.
♪♪♪ [Mike] This entire scene is what it feels like
to root for the New York Mets. (Kevin laughs)
(Kevin whispers) (guys laugh)
[Kevin] And now, he bills himself 60,000 dollars,
since he's an out of network provider.
♪♪♪
[Bill] Director said I could either have pants or lunch. (Kevin laughs)
♪♪♪
[Mike] Nice work. You can barely smell the gangrene!
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ [Bill] Aww. He's dreaming about using excessive force on a civilian.
[Kevin] Whoo, whoo.
♪♪♪ [Kevin] (shouting) Ahhhhh!! (indistinct)
[Bill] Ay, ay. Not ready for that.
♪♪♪ [Bill] I'm wearing scienc-tist glasses. (Kevin laughs)
[Mike] Wait. Dammit. This crystal is a Phillips head.
Lincoln's coming. What?
(indistinct shouting heard)
[Kevin] Great. The Oakland Raiders fans are here.
[Bill] (shouting) We suck! But we're aggressive about it!
Trouble. How long before you're ready? About thirty minutes.
We've got ten, if we're lucky.
What? Now. Get the Freebies. Get them in here.
I'll try to hold them off. Okay.
[Mike] Well, hope nobody we teleport needs a functioning nervous system.
♪♪♪
(shots fire) [Kevin] Man! Those guys are GREAT at karate!
Come on, Freebies! We're going now! (kids cheer)
[Bill] Except you, Timmy. Your mom didn't sign the permission slip.
[Kevin] Aww!
Come here! Hurry!
♪♪♪ Ow. Dang.
[Mike] Should someone who can't use a wrench,
really be allowed to operate a teleporter? (Kevin laughs)
♪♪♪ Freebies! You have resisted me for the last time!
Forward!! [Kevin] Huh. Weird time to shout Wisconsin state motto. But, whatever!
♪♪♪ Got it.
♪♪♪ Everyone's here. Good. Put them in the teleporter room.
[Bill] Uh, wait. We should test it. Ugliest kid, you get in the teleporter room.
Start sending them through. Okay. Rachel?
Don't forget the fail safe code. Okay.
Are you ready? (all kids) Yeah!
[Mike] Okay, kids. None of you think about Stephen king's The Jaunt.
♪♪♪
(all kids) Oh! [Kevin] Kids. They're impressed by crap.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ [Bill] Okay, kids. All the smoke is perfectly normal.
Nobody's getting trapped in the nether dimension.
♪♪♪ [Mike] Back to the Dickens novel they came from.
♪♪♪ [Kevin] Wait. A Commodore 64 for teleporting?? Ridiculous!
[Bill] Yeah, everyone knows you put those in small airplanes to make time machines.
[Mike] Yes. [Bill] Common sense.
[Mike] Obvious. ♪♪♪
Transmission complete. Contents twelve passengers.
[Mike] And one hideous fly kid hybrid.
Come on! Get this thing in gear! Take it down!
[Kevin] Mad Max. Fury HOV lane.
Come on! Come on!
(shots fire) [Mike] Karate forever!
Come on. One more time.
[Bill] This is what really happens at the Kids Bop recording studio.
♪♪♪
[Mike] The kids Kathie Lee Gifford employed looked happier.
Transmission complete. Contents, eleven passengers.
[Kevin] Three of them living. Thank god.
♪♪♪ Come on! Come on! Let's bust this!
[Mike] Seat belts, guys!
Again! again!
[Mike] Hate to be that kind of HR person. But come on! (Bill laughs)
(shots fire) [Kevin] Hey, don't shoot through my mask holes!!
(shots fire)
We did it! They're gone. We're all that's left. Okay, you two hop in. Quick.
No, what about you? [Bill] Larry?? Cop was it?
[Kevin] Karate Cop. But that's not my name!
You will come, won't you? Promise me?
♪♪♪ I will. [Mike] Come on guys! Goldfinger busted into Fort Knox faster than this.
♪♪♪
[Bill] Good bye, Kung Fu detective. [Kevin] Karate Cop!
[Bill] Whatever. Larry. (Mike laughs)
Travis? You take care of yourself.
[Mike] Thanks, flaccid hat. (Bill laughs)
♪♪♪
[Kevin] Wanna hear something funny? The gate was unlocked the whole time!
We meet again. Surprised? ♪♪♪
My, what wonderful toys you have here?
[Bill] Is that a barrel of stickle bricks, I see?
Working water. And, you've done the work for me.
Can you imagine what we could do with this?
[Mike] Mailing Hanukkah gifts just got more convenient than ever!
You forgot one thing. What? Me.
Get him! But don't kill him, I need the code!
[Kevin] I'll never beat the Battletoad's turbo tunnel level without it
(grunting) ♪♪♪
♪♪♪ (grunting)
Punch the override button! okay.
[Mike] The override button? There's nothing to be overroden yet?
This is premature riding over.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ (laughing)
[Bill] Get acupressured you cold cream slathered freak!
(hissing) (grunting)
♪♪♪
[Mike] Here we go. Here we go. Enjoy the arctic circle, you idiots!
[Kevin] What?? [Mike] I said I miss you already!! [Kevin] Me too!
♪♪♪ Transmission complete. [Bill] Luggage, lost.
Contents, two passengers. ♪♪♪
(grunting) (smacks)
(grunting)
[Mike] That's for pairing drab greens, with even drabber earth tones and browns!!
♪♪♪
Not bad, cop.
[Kevin] Come on. "That'll do pig," was right there.
You ready for the best?
(growling)
[Bill] (growling) Sorry. I often grunt to cover my shyness.
Grr. Grr. (Mike laughs)
Today, we will see how good you really are.
[Mike] Yeah. Imagine a less coordinated Jim Varney.
Today's as good as any. (Kevin laughs)
[Kevin] (gruff voice) You got a spare chain I could borrow?
♪♪♪
(growling)
[Bill] (gasps) The guy from that terrible Star Trek episode!
[Kevin] Uh, you're gonna have to be more specific.
(smacks) (grunting) ♪♪♪
♪♪♪ (growling)
♪♪♪
[Mike] Uh, boss?
Maybe use this long fight sequence to get away with the transporter doo dad?
[Bill] Nope. All good, thanks.
♪♪♪ (grunting)
[Mike] Ow! Those are also two different colors!! (Bill laughs)
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ [Kevin] (flatly) Press button, light up. Heh heh heh.
♪♪♪
(screams)
[Bill] And thus ends the reign of the Kurgan's dumber, slower, cousin Darrel.
(buzzing)
So long, cop! I've got worlds to conquer, and kingdoms to rule!
[Mike] As long as ruling those kingdoms doesn't involve doing a pull up.
(buzzing) (screaming)
(screaming) Noo!!!!!
[Kevin] This is how Elon Musk is gonna die, isn't it? (Mike laughs)
(humming)
[Bill] Eh. Turned him into a pile of shaved romano cheese?
♪♪♪ Assholes to ashes. Dictators to dust.
[Mike] "Assholes to ashes". Wasn't that a Frank McCourt book?
♪♪♪
Warning. Transmission error. You can say that again.
[Kevin] I don't care what Tina Turner says. We absolutely DO need another hero.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ [Bill] He did tens of dollars in damage to this place.
(siren sounds) Warning. Warning. Fail safe has now been activated.
[Mike] My novelty special police hat I won in a claw machine.
You now have 90 seconds until self destruct.
[Kevin] Or you know? Basically zero seconds.
Immediate evacuation is strongly suggested.
♪♪♪ [Bill] Scrolling sign, pried off the back of the city bus.
Override is not possible. (siren sounds)
[Mike] Uh oh. Thing has gone postal!
(siren sounds)
(siren sounds) Please evacuate.
[Kevin] Or, you know? Go back inside and run down some stairs.
That can work too.
(siren sounds) ♪♪♪ You now have fifteen seconds until self destruct.
(siren sounds) Hey! Hey! Here boy!
[Mike] Joke's on you, Karate Cop. This is good, for my core.
(siren sounds)
You now have ten seconds until self destruct.
[Kevin] Until self destruct protocol engages. Sorry. I'm nervous.
You have five. You have four. three.
[Bill] Yeah, that's good. Eleven feet ought to do it.
Two. (siren sounds) ♪♪♪ One.
(siren sounds) Zero. Have a nice day.
[Mike] She's still less annoying than Clippy.
Nothing works.
(explosion)
[Kevin] Uh there you go. Duck from the explosion,
like you would a little league foul ball.
(explosion)
[Bill] Folks, we're not gonna SHOW you the destruction, but trust us.
It kicked so much ass. [Kevin] Oh yeah!
[Mike] Karate everywhere too. (Bill laughs)
[Mike] Well, good news. He gets out of his cousin's wedding tonight.
[Bill] Whoooaaa! That was some great karate!! (Mike laughs)
(groans) Man's best friend. Ha!
[Kevin] Dog! You sure were a part of this movie. (guys laugh)
(dog barks)
[Bill] This reminds me of that one Don Johnson movie?
You know the one where he's traveling
with a flea-ridden mutt, through a grim dystopia?
[Mike] Oh uh? Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man?
[Bill] Yeah, yeah! That's the one. Mickey Rourke... was the dog.
[Kevin] Yeah.
You're right man. Food is the first priority.
[Kevin] Oh, right after water, clothing, warmth, shelter.
The intelligence of a common earth worm.
Come on. Let's go find Rachel and the rest of the Freebies.
[Bill] Wait, that's it?? I'm left with SO many questions!
[Mike] You mean like how do civilizations rebuild,
in the face of total collapse and lawlessness?
[Bill] Yeah. No, no. I mean since he's the last cop,
does Karate Cop have to be his own grizzled lieutenant, with a secret heart of gold?
[Mike] I don't really know.
[Kevin] I got this. Dammit Karate Cop! I'm the best cop I got!
But I've taken too many risks, and I play by my own rules!
Hand in my badge and my gun! I'm off the force!
[Bill] Exactly, Kevin.
[Mike] Uh, folks, if this riff mysteriously transported its way
from any place but our site, make you way TO our site,
and donate so we can keep doing this thing we love so very much to do.
[Bill] Bye! [Kevin] See ya! [Bill] Karate Cop, will NOT return.
♪♪♪ Forever, I'll shine the light, that will burn for forever.
♪♪♪ Forever and more. I will always be with you.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ When hope was lost,
♪♪♪ Gave us shelter, no matter what the cost.
♪♪♪ Now we can eat beef free,
♪♪♪ from all the pain and sorrow.
♪♪♪ Now we can believe,
♪♪♪ No matter what the future holds, there'll be a story to be told.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ You'll always live with us,
♪♪♪ deep within our hearts.
♪♪♪ Forever.
♪♪♪ Forever, a shining light, that will burn forever.
♪♪♪ Forever.
♪♪♪ Forever and more.
♪♪♪ I will always be with you.
♪♪♪ Follow the path that we both share. Follow your heart and never fear.
♪♪♪ And never fear.
♪♪♪ Wherever you follow, I'll be there.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ Forever
♪♪♪ Forever, a shining light, that will burn forever.
♪♪♪ Forever.
♪♪♪ Forever and more, I will always be with you.
♪♪♪ Forever. Forever.
♪♪♪ Forever and more. I will always be with you.
♪♪♪
♪♪♪ Forever.
♪♪♪