嘿,纽约 Hey, New York.
随着年龄的增长 我们试图达到某些里程碑 As we get older, we try to hit certain milestones
感觉我们在生活中取得了进步 to feel like we're making progress in life.
比如 领养你的第一个宠物; Like, adopting your first pet;
终于有了自己的住处; finally getting your own place;
或者开始一份令人兴奋的新职业 or starting an exciting new career.
这些东西让我们感到稳定 These things make us feel stable
帮助我们忘记死神是… and help us forget that the Grim Reaper is...
艾尔 总是落后我们一步 al-- just always one step behind us.
但不幸的是 这种稳定性 But unfortunately, this stability
有时只是幻觉 is sometimes only an illusion.
因为有一天, Because one day,
当你只是在你的公寓里闲逛时 when you're just hanging out in your apartment,
你的房东打电话叫你下楼谈谈 your landlord calls you to come downstairs to have a talk.
听起来很严重 而你的大脑 It sounds pretty serious, and your mind
自然会去最糟糕的地方 naturally goes to the worst possible place.
但是 你没有任何准备 But, nothing could've prepared you
因为你接下来要听到的 for what you are about to hear.
她告诉你她要卖掉这栋楼 She tells you that she's selling the building
并在月底搬到拉斯维加斯 and moving to Las Vegas by the end of the month.
真的会让你大吃一惊 It really takes you by surprise,
但回头看 你可以看到 but looking back, you could see
到处都有迹象 that there had been signs everywhere,
而你 你 你只是没注意到 and you-you-you just hadn't noticed them.
你会经历一阵情绪波动 You go through a whirlwind of emotions.
震惊, Shock,
愤怒, rage,
悲伤, sadness,
恐慌, panic,
最后验收 and finally acceptance.
但就在你准备搬出去的时候 But just as you are getting ready to move out,
有些事情是你从未想过的 something happens that you never even considered.
如果你想要 她会把房子卖给你 She actually offers to sell you the house if you want it
以低于市场价值的价格 for a price that's below market value.
这似乎是一辈子的交易 It seems like the deal of a lifetime,
但你不知道你是否真的能负担得起 but you don't know if you can actu-actually afford it.
购买房产的想法 The thought of purchasing property
你从未想过 had never even crossed your mind,
这个想法听起来有点可怕 and the idea just sounds kind of terrifying.
你让她给你几天时间考虑一下 You ask her to give you a few days to think it over
因为你不确定自己是否准备好了 because you're not sure you're ready for something like this.
而不是放过机会 But instead of letting an opportunity
从你指缝间溜走 slip through your fingers,
还是最后弄明白吧 might as well finally figure out
如果投资房地产是个好主意 if it's a good idea to invest in real estate.
大多数人都会抓住这个机会 Most people would jump at the opportunity
在纽约拥有房产 to own property in New York,
但当你回头看 你会发现 but when you look back, you realize
你已经规划好了你的整个人生 you've actually structured your whole life
避免这样的承诺 around avoiding commitments like this.
在你找到现在的工作之前 Before you found your current place,
你住环比 you lived month-to-month
在一个非法改建的仓库里 in an illegally converted warehouse
和一群好朋友在一起 with a bunch of your good friends.
很多房间都没有窗户 A lot of the rooms didn't have windows,
所以当天气变得非常热时 so when it got really hot,
你得自己做空调 you had to make your own air conditioners
用冰壶和一把扇子 out of ice jugs and a, and a fan
装在一个塑料盒子里 in a Styrofoam box.
还有老鼠住在你的垃圾里 There were also rats that lived in your garbage,
后院还有只凶狠的负鼠 and a vicious possum in the backyard.
他们甚至在你住的街区拍过一部电视剧 They even shot a TV show on your block once
他们用你的街道作为替身 where they used your street as a stand-in
对饱受战争蹂躏的叙利亚 for war-torn Syria
只需要很少的布景 with very little set dressing.
街上屋顶上有敌人 Hostiles on rooftop up the street.
哦,我的上帝 Oh my god.
因为你住在那里是非法的 Because you, you were living there illegally,
你一直以为会被赶出来 you were always expecting to get kicked out.
但是 不知为什么 那一天从来没有到来 But, somehow, that day never came,
结果你在那里待了七年多 and you ended up staying there for over seven years.
你真的很喜欢无拘无束的感觉 You really liked feeling untethered to any sense
对财产的责任 of responsibility to the property,
但你知道总有一天你会逃跑 but you knew that you would have to escape one day.
最终 Eventually.
你最初是在克雷格列表上找到这个地方的 You originally found this place on Craigslist
几年前 a couple years ago.
照片看起来不错 The pictures looked nice,
但你能看出来这是真的 but you could tell it was the real deal from
主题标题中交替出现的大写字母 the alternating capital letters in the subject heading.
你的房东整栋房子要价90万美元 Your landlord is asking you for $900,000 for the whole place,
比你实际拥有的多很多 which is way more than you actually have.
这意味着你得借钱了 That means you're gonna have to borrow the money
从别处搬过来的 from somewhere else,
你猜大多数人都是从银行取钱的 and you guess most people just get it from a bank.
但抵押贷款似乎是一个极其沉重的负担 But a mortgage seems like an extremely heavy burden
一个害怕承诺的人 for someone who's afraid of commitment.
它可能需要长达30年才能还清 It can take as long as 30 years to pay off,
你以前从没计划过这么远的事 and you've never planned that far ahead for anything before.
很难说你是否会后悔你的决定 And it's hard to tell if you'll regret your decision
一旦你改变主意就太晚了 once it's too late to change your mind.
你还害怕被骗 You're also terrified of getting ripped off,
有很好的理由 and, and for good reason.
你最近去克雷格列表上找别人买车 You recently went to buy a car from someone off Craigslist,
看起来是一大笔钱 and it looked like a great deal
就它的年龄而言 它的里程数出奇的低 with surprisingly low mileage for its age.
卖家看起来有点紧张 The seller seemed a little nervous,
但你当时什么都没想 所以, but you didn't think anything of it at the time. So,
你签了文件 交了钱 you signed the papers and handed over the money.
他甚至帮你记下了车牌号 And he even helped you to put on the license plate,
这是很好的 which was nice.
但当你回到家 开始 But when you got home and started going through
他留在车后面的那些垃圾 all the junk that he left in the back,
你发现了第二个里程表 you found a second odometer,
它行驶了更多的里程 and it had a lot more miles on it
比方向盘后面的那个好 than the one behind the steering wheel.
当你把车交给机械师检查时 When you brought the car to a mechanic for a checkup,
他看了一眼后备箱里的里程表 he took one look at the odometer in the trunk,
告诉你可能是掉包了 骗你 and told you it was probably swapped out to fool you.
看来这辆车不是随便用的 It seemed like the car wasn't lightly used,
你就像个傻瓜一样被骗了 and you fell for it like a, like a sucker.
如果你不小心 And if you're not careful,
同样的事情也可能发生在房子上 the same thing could happen with the house.
就像你在克雷格列表上买的东西一样 So, just like anything you buy off Craigslist,
先快速检查一下 just give it a quick check first
在你接受这份工作之前 before you accept the offer.
只是要确保它坚固 Just make sure it's sturdy.
但当你开始环顾四周 But when you start to look around,
你开始注意到其他事情 you start to notice other things that
第一次对这房子有意见 are wrong with the house for the very first time.
裂缝正在形成 There are cracks that are forming
在每个房间的角落 in the corners of each room.
你家天花板上有个大漏洞 There's a big leak coming from your ceiling,
你可能还得把屋顶修好 and you'll probably have to get the roof fixed.
房子的其他部分就在一毫米之外 Other parts of the house are a millimeter away
从一场彻底的灾难 from a complete disaster.
你也终于能够 And you're also finally able
去看一楼的公寓 to see the apartment on the first floor,
还有浴室里的瓷砖 and the tiles in the bathroom
好像有什么可怕的东西…… look like something awful had...
你以为那是… uh, you thought it was...
看起来像精液 it looked like cum.
房子似乎也在向地下下沉 And the house also seemed to be sinking into the ground.
然后你意识到你自己都不知道 And you realized that you don't even know
如果这房子很划算 if this house is a good deal,
也许你应该先看看市场上还有什么 and maybe you should see what else is on the market first
在你做出任何承诺之前 before you commit to anything.
能看一眼真的很有趣 It's really fun to get a glimpse
融入了纽约市的所有内部 into all these interiors around New York City.
你觉得自己像隐形人 You feel like the Invisible Man,
成为一个偷窥狂却没有任何后果 getting to be a voyeur without any consequence.
尽管有些人似乎做了很多工作 Even though it seems like some people go through a lot of work
保持匿名 to stay anonymous.
但是 你只能在网上浏览很长时间 But, you can only browse on the internet for so long
然后你就得亲自去参观了 before you have to check out places in person.
浴室里没有水槽吗? So, in the bathroom, there's no sink in the bathroom?
是的 只是厕所 Yeah, just the toilet.
是的 只是厕所 没关系 Yeah, just the toilet. It's okay.
然后你就可以用厨房的水槽当浴室了 And then you'll just use the kitchen sink for the bathroom.
伟大的位置 这里有很多东西 Great location. A lot of stuff over here.
我离威廉斯堡东部很近 位置很好 I'm really close to east Williamsburg, prime location.
-当然 -价格和一切 -Sure. -The price and everything,
对合适的人来说是可以管理的 不是吗? and it's manageable for the right person, no?
-是的 ——它是负担得起的 -Yeah. -It's affordable.
它已经上市68天了 So, it's been on the market about 68 days.
六十八天?-是的 -Sixty-eight days? -Yeah.
嗨,我是约翰 Hey, I'm John.
你看到的是一间卧室 两间浴室 You're looking at a one bedroom, two bath.
楼上和楼下 这是硬木地板 Upstairs and downstairs. It's hardwood floors.
其实有很多柜子 还有空地 你有乳房 It's actually a lot of cabinets, open space. You have a breast--
这里是打碎拳头的桌子 Break-fist table over here.
是什么让你想进入房地产行业? What made you want to get into real estate?
事实上 我对房地产很感兴趣 Actually, I've had a passion for real estate
从我16岁起 since I was 16.
等等 你现在多大了?-我18岁了 -So wait, how old are you now? -I'm 18 years old.
你……这是一个… You're... That's a...
- 18岁就能成为房地产经纪人?是的,你可以 -You can be a real estate agent at 18? -Yes, you can.
我参加了三次房地产考试 I took my real estate exam three times.
我只是过去了 I just passed.
-是的 我就过去了, -Yeah. -I just passed,
所以做一个房地产经纪人并不容易 so being a real estate agent is not easy.
没有 在你的 在你的 Nothing, uh, in your, in your,
在你的价格范围内 真的很让你兴奋 in your price range really excited you,
但幸运的是, but fortunately,
他们并不总是检查你的财务状况 they don't always check your financials
当你要求去看一个地方 when you ask to see a place.
所以 尝试不同的地方 So, try somewhere different.
等等 这地方有几层楼? Wait, so how many floors is this place?
列入 -我们有四层楼 -Five. -So, we're four stories--
-不,加上地下室 列入的故事 -No, plus basement. -Five stories.
所以 为什么… So, like, why the...
椭圆形天花板是怎么回事? What's with the oval ceiling?
哦 这只是设计 我的意思是 这是一个非常…… Oh, it's just design. I mean, it's a very...
复杂的审美 -这是厨房 -sophisticated aesthetic. -Here is the kitchen.
手工制作的核桃 -哦我的天哪 -Handmade of walnut. -Oh my goodness.
还有马赛克地板 And again, the mosaic floor.
这房子有几级台阶? How many steps are in this house?
还没有计算在内 Haven't counted.
还有这条街 And the street that this is on
是全尼蓬西特最高档的街道 is the most exclusive street in all of Neponsit,
所以能上节目真好 so it's great to be on
在一个美丽的社区里 一条非常独特的街道 a very exclusive street in a beautiful neighborhood.
我们得去主卧那一层 We gotta go to master bedroom level.
准备好了吗?主卧室的水平 -Ready? -Primary bedroom level.
-是的 我们应该说初级 -我知道我们是 -Oh yeah, we're supposed to say primary. -I know we are.
主吗?为什么初级水平? Primary? Why primary level?
——因为……-因为它在政治上更正确 -Because... -Because it's more politically correct.
-说主要是合适的…卧室吗? -It's appropriate to say primary... -Bedroom?
.．.与master相对 ...as opposed to master,
尽管我们从来都不是任何人的主人 even though we were never masters of anybody.
你可以从这里看到水池的细节 You can see the detail in the pool from up here.
-嗯 -灵感来自Hermès围巾 -Uh-huh. -It was inspired by an Hermès scarf.
-如果你喜欢娱乐 准备好 -是的 -And if you like entertaining, get ready. -Yeah.
这是一个美妙的地方 This is a wonderful place
为了娱乐 因为房间很宽 to entertain because the room has the width,
它也有一点曲率 and it also has a little bit of a curvature.
你不知道他们说的娱乐是什么意思 You're not really sure what they mean by entertaining,
但为了安全起见 but just to be safe,
确保你准备好了表演 make sure you have an act prepared
如果你要投资房地产的话 if you're investing in, uh, real estate.
你看哈莱姆区的一个地方 You looked at a place in Harlem,
现在的老板带你参观了一下 and the current owner showed you around.
这地方空了多久了?-恩…… -How long has this place been vacant? -Um...
只是也许… Just about maybe...
英尺六英寸 -这地方看起来很不错 -six months. -The place seemed really nice,
但参观之后 but after the tour,
她跟你说了个小问题 she told you about a little problem
她和以前住在这里的人 she had with the person who lived here before.
他做了各种奇怪的事情 He did all kinds of strange things.
他把刷子塞进马桶里 He stuffed a brush down the toilet,
所以我们不得不把整个厕所都换了 so we had to replace the entire toilet.
他拿了一面大镜子 He took a large mirror
从前厅摔了下来 from the vestibule and smashed it.
他把酒泼在一个房客的脸上 He threw wine in the face of one of the tenants.
消防部门不得不来一次 The fire department had to come once.
我不得不买所有的新电器 I had to buy all new appliances.
他爬上了我们大楼的前面 He scaled the front of our building
用刀 with a knife
和弹簧小折刀的一切东西 and a switchblade.
他会在墙上画五角星 He would draw pentagrams on the wall
前门上也有 as well as on our front door.
他光着身子跑来跑去 还带着个驼鹿头 He was running around naked with a moose head.
他想召唤魔鬼 He was trying to summon the devil,
因为我是个祈祷的人 and because I'm a praying person,
我没有 I wasn't having that.
没有一个地方是你看到的 None of the places you saw
真的 啊 感觉很好 really, ah, felt quite right,
你开始怀疑 and you're starting to have doubts about
投资房地产 investing in real estate at all.
但当你回到家 你的房东开始 But when you get back home, your landlord starts
向你展示如何照顾她后院的植物 showing you how to take care of her plants in the backyard
当她走了 when she's gone.
看起来她真的很依赖你 And it seems like she's really depending on you
让一切都保持她喜欢的样子 to keep everything the way she liked it.
如果她要卖掉那栋楼 If she had to put the building up for sale,
她可能得让那些房地产商进来 she may have to let all those real estate people come in
把她的整个人生都毁了 and pick apart her entire life,
你可能会被赶出去 and you'd probably be kicked out.
更糟的是 他们可以在这里拍另一部电视剧 Or worse, they could film another TV show here
那不是你的节目 that isn't your show.
所以 无论你准备得多么充分 So, no matter how unprepared you are for this,
你知道这会让她很开心的 you know it would make her really happy
如果是你买的 所以, if you were the one that bought it. So,
去找你朋友推荐的抵押贷款经纪人 go to a mortgage broker that your friend recommended
看看有多少… to see how much, uh...
抵押贷款 你可以拿到 mortgage, uh, you can get.
好吧 我现在知道你的功劳了 Alright, so I got your credit right now.
所以 你有非凡的荣誉 So, you have phenomenal credit.
-哦真的吗?——太神奇了 你做什么工作? -Oh really? -It's amazing. What do you do for a living?
我 我是纪录片导演 Um, I-- I'm a documentarian.
-哦 乐趣 好吧 -恩…… -Oh. Fun. Okay. -Um...
就像 就像 Like, it's kind of like,
呃,回忆录…… uh, memoir...
文章…… essay...
嗯… um...
故事发生在纽约 It takes place in New York.
你有股票和债券吗 Do you have any stocks and bonds
或者市场上的钱 or money in the market that you,
比如 你有剩余收入吗? like, you get residual income off of?
我有一份达美乐披萨 Um, I have one share of Domino's Pizza.
此时 抵押贷款经纪人 And, at that point, the mortgage broker
可能会开始怀疑你是不是真的 may begin to question if you're actually
经济上足够稳定 financially stable enough.
不管你担心什么 我们也担心 Whatever you're worried about, we're worried about.
-是的…-所以 我们不想借给别人 -Yeah... -So, we don't wanna lend to somebody
奇迹般地得到了一个大项目 who miraculously got a huge project,
他们从来没有这样的项目 and they never had a project like this,
这种事再也不会发生了 and it will never happen again.
我们得确保你保持一致 We need to make sure you're consistent.
所以你得改天再来 So you're gonna have to come back another time
与金融文件 with financial documents
还有你能找到的其他证据 and any other proof you can find
你会在未来继续赚钱 that you'll keep making money in the future.
所以当你回到家 你就开始 So when you get back home, you start
起草求职信作为你申请的一部分 by drafting a letter as part of your application.
然后去你奶奶家 And then go to your grandma's house
因为她保存着你节目的所有评论剪辑 because she keeps the clippings of every review from your show
这是报纸上的报道 that was in the newspapers,
你确定银行会想看这些吗 and you're sure that the bank would like to see those.
看到了吗?我什么都有了 约翰尼 See? I got everything, Johnny.
奶奶也没那么疯癫 Grandma's not so nutsy after all.
然后整理你节目的所有好评 And then compile all the good reviews of your show
装进盒子里 证明大家都喜欢 into a packet that proves everyone loves it,
把不好的评论藏起来 and hide the bad reviews in a place
抵押贷款经纪人永远找不到他们 that the mortgage broker can never find them.
HBO从没给过你任何数据 HBO never gave you any numbers about
有多少人在看你的节目 how many people are watching your show,
所以你不知道收视率是多少 so you have no idea what the ratings are.
所以 相反 你可以开始看 So, instead, you can just start looking through
人们的窗户 people's windows to get
自己的数据 the data yourself.
你没看到有人看你的节目 You didn't see anyone watching your show,
但你看了几分钟《无间道风云》 but you did catch a few minutes of "The Departed,"
本来挺好的 直到 which was nice until, uh,
是啊 直到他们发现你在拍摄 they, until they noticed you filming.
对不起! Sorry!
所以 不要提到任何数字 So, just don't mention any numbers
把所有东西都带来 to the broker and bring everything else.
-这些是…一些评论 评论 -So, these are some... some reviews. -Reviews.
你要确定这些是 So, you're trying to determine that these are--
这就是你的诉讼延期证明吗? This is like your proof of continuance?
这有点…这能帮上忙吗? This is kind of... Would this kind of help at all?
不 No.
你带来的东西都没能说服她 None of the stuff you brought really convinced her,
但她看了你其他的财务报表后 but after she went through the rest of your financials,
她说你 你会有资格的 she said that you, you will actually qualify.
有一个条件 On one condition.
我知道我们花光了你的每一分钱 I know we're using every last dollar of yours
-买这个 但现在…-嗯 -to purchase this, but for right now... -Uh-huh.
.．.这是买不到的 ...you can't purchase this
没有额外收入的 without a supplemental income.
——没有一个租户 -是的 -Without a tenant. -Yeah.
-是的 -好的 -Yeah. -Okay.
所以 如果你想申请贷款 So, if you wanna get approved for a mortgage,
看来唯一的办法就是 it seems like the only way is to
把你的一个单元租出去 rent out one of your units
自己也成为一个地主 and become a landlord yourself.
没有比这两个群体更不同的了 There are no two groups more distinct from each other
比房东和租客更重要 than landlords and tenants.
你不确定自己是否准备好换队了 And you're not sure you're ready to switch teams.
如果你成了房东 If you became a landlord,
你得全天候待命 you would have to be on call 24/7.
因为如果半夜里出了什么差错 Because if anything went wrong in the middle of the night,
你要亲自负责修好它 you would be personally responsible for fixing it.
如果你把房子租出去 And if you rented out your place,
你将无法控制 you would have no control over
你的房客演奏的是什么音乐 what kind of music your tenants played.
也不知道他们会偷偷带什么宠物进来 Or, or what kind of pets they might sneak in.
他们可能会举办很奇怪的派对 And they might throw really weird parties.
如果你不小心 And if you're not careful,
他们甚至可能试图召唤魔鬼本人 they might even try to summon the devil himself.
所以 有时候你可能得表现得像个硬汉 So, you might have to act like a tough guy sometimes
为了防止事情失控 to stop things from getting out of hand.
但那不是你真正会扮演的角色 But that's not a role you really know how to play.
也许你可以把它出租给别人 Maybe if you rent it out to someone
你可以和他做朋友 that you could be friends with,
这些东西都不是问题 uh, none of this stuff would be a problem.
你面试一个潜在房客的情况 The situation where you interview a potential tenant
他们总是把自己最好的一面展现出来 is that they basically always bring their best foot forward.
他们很好 很有礼貌 很善良 很有礼貌 They're very nice, very polite, very kind, very courteous.
但是, But,
有时候 这是可以改变的 sometimes, that has a way of changing.
一旦他们拿到公寓 Once they get the apartment,
所有的甜蜜都烟消云散了 all that sweetness goes out the window.
-这些都是客户?-是的 所有的客户 -These are all clients? -Yeah, all these clients.
所有这些案件都在法庭上审理 All these cases are, are sitting in court,
-等着出庭 你知道吗?-好的 -waiting for a court date, you know? -Alright.
如果我喜欢想试试呢 What if I like wanted to try
-和我的房客做朋友? -to be friends with my tenants?
我为你感到难过 I feel sorry for you.
为什么? Why's that?
这行不通 不工作 It doesn't work out. Doesn't work out.
我已经在这里住了五年了 I've been living here five years.
我和房东关系很好 My landlord and I, we have a great relationship.
我们开玩笑 就不会有问题 We kid around, we don't have a problem.
但我相信 But I'm sure
如果我不付房租 that the day I don't pay my rent,
那 那份友谊已经不复存在了 that, that friendship goes out the window.
等等 你的房东住在这里? So wait, your landlord lives here?
是的,是的 他在大厅对面 Yeah, yeah. He's across the hall.
哦,真的吗?我们能和他谈谈吗? Oh really? Could we talk to him?
-对 我去叫他 -哦,好的 -Yeah, let me just go get him. -Oh, okay.
他问我有没有可能 He's asking me is it possible
和房东做朋友 to be friends with the landlord.
-来吧!来吧 -我不想上那玩意儿! -Come on! Come on. -I don't wanna be on that shit!
我只是想问问你想不想谈谈 I just wanted to see if you wanted to talk about
-你有一个良好的关系 -不,不,不 -how you have a nice relationship. -No, no, no.
-好吧 他的问题是-你这么做? -Okay, his question is-- -You doing that?!
不,不 灯——对不起 灯关了 No, no. The light-- Sorry, the light is off.
你得把感情因素排除在外 You gotta take the emotion out of the equation.
如果你要当房东 那就当房东 If you're gonna be a landlord, be a landlord.
如果你想做朋友 就做朋友 If you're gonna be a friend, be a friend,
但你不能两者兼得 but you can't be both.
也许他是对的 Maybe he was right.
也许你不可能同时是两个人 Maybe you can't be two people at the same time.
你总是认为你的房东 You always thought your landlord
达到了完美的平衡 struck the perfect balance,
但即使是她也有点令人窒息 but even she got to be a little suffocating.
过了一段时间 你有点希望 And after a while, you kinda wished
你可以自己洗内裤 you could just wash your own underwear.
也许是和租户保持良好关系的秘诀 Maybe the secret to a good relationship with your tenants
就是和你们保持尽可能远的距离 is to have as much distance between you as possible.
我叫约翰 My name is John,
我是一个 and I am a,
也就是《第二人生》中的土地男爵 what's called, a land baron in "Second Life."
我有一家房地产公司 I've got a real estate office,
当人们瞬间进入办公室时 and when people teleport into the office,
他们可以看到一块块的土地 they can look at pieces of land
和探员谈谈 弄清楚 and talk to an agent and figure out
他们想买哪个岛 或者 which island they want to buy, or.
是的 我们到了 Yeah, here we are.
这是我的办公室 这位是导演 洛拉克 This is my office. This is the director, Lorak.
每一个化身 都有另一个真实的人 Every single avatar, there's another real person
在另一端 -哦,她是…… -on the other end. -Oh, she's...
-等等 这是朝九晚五吗?-是的 -Wait, so is this like a 9-to-5? -Yeah.
那她就得站在那儿? So, she has to stand there?
-恩……是的 -每天八小时? -Um... yeah. -Eight hours a day?
她说"很高兴见到你 先生" And she's saying, "Good to see you, sir."
-哦 -她真是太贴心了 她真的…… -Oh. -So, that was really sweet of her. And she's really...
真的很有吸引力 really attractive.
——真的很不错 -是的 -Just really nice. -Yeah.
她真的是……华丽 She's really... gorgeous.
那么一个月的租金是多少? So how much does a month of rent at a property cost?
四百年,美国 Four hundred, U.S.
-四百美元?-是的 -Four hundred U.S. dollars? -Yes.
对于较小的房产 125 For a smaller property, 125.
偶尔会有不交房租的房客 Occasionally, we'll get a tenant that doesn't pay,
我们得走了 and we'll have to go
和他谈谈 最后把他们赶出去 and talk with him, and eventually evict them,
我真的不喜欢这么做 我尽量不去做 which I really don't like to do. I try not to do.
然后他们会解释说 “哦 我的猫做了手术 Then they'll explain like, "Oh, my cat had surgery,
这个月我还不起钱 所以——” and I can't pay this month, so just--"
-等等 他们的真猫做了手术还是-是啊 -Wait, their real cat got surgery or-- -Yeah.
这很像 So it's a lot like
从一个真实的地方被赶出来 getting physically evicted from a real place.
是的 这可能会很痛苦 It is, and it can be as traumatic,
我真的很同情这些人 and I really feel for the people
我们这样做是为了 that, that we do this to.
有几个人威胁要起诉我 I've had several threaten to sue me
在现实生活中, in real-life court,
我也受到过其他威胁 and I've had other kind of threats,
如果有办法可以避免 我很乐意去做 and if there's any way to avoid it, I would love to do it,
但确实很疼 but it does-- it does hurt.
同理心在哪里停止 Where does the empathy stop,
橡胶和道路相遇? and the rubber meet the road?
你要去哪里 你知道 Where do you have to, you know,
划清界限 关门大吉 draw a line in the sand and go out of business
对别人的感情吗? over someone's feelings?
也许 不管你身处怎样的现实 Maybe, no matter what reality you're in,
做房东总是要付出代价的 being a landlord is always going to cost you
你人性的一部分 a piece of your humanity,
没有捷径可走 and there's no easy way out.
每当我需要地方思考的时候 Whenever I need a place to think,
我喜欢做一个完整的循环 I like to do a full loop
在史坦顿岛渡轮上 on the Staten Island Ferry
因为这是免费的 而且你可以看到城市的美景 because it's free, and you get a great view of the city.
人们也会被困在那里 People are also kinda stuck on there,
所以他们通常不介意和你说话 so they usually don't mind talking to you.
四个小时…… Four hours...
离房子的截止日期只有几天了 The closing date on the house was only a couple days away,
我仍然觉得自己完全没有准备好租一个人 and I still felt completely unprepared to take on a tenant.
也许我还没准备好承担所有责任 Maybe I wasn't ready for all the responsibility
拥有纽约的一部分 that comes with owning a piece of New York,
我应该扬帆远航 再也不回来 and I should just sail away and never come back.
但我一直很想在这里变老 But a big part of me always wanted to grow old here.
在回来的路上 我和一个人聊了起来 On the ride back, I struck up a conversation with someone
她似乎很擅长娱乐 who seemed really good at entertaining.
看起来他已经做了一段时间了 And it looked like he'd been doing it for a while.
-我知道 看起来很酷 不是吗?是的 -I know, looks pretty cool, doesn't it? Yeah.
我都不会施这种魔法 And I don't even do this kind of magic.
我只是喜欢有这种技能 I just like having the skill.
原来他其实是个腹语者 It turned out he was actually a ventriloquist,
他当时在去市里演出的路上 and he was on his way to a gig in the city.
你做什么工作?你是做什么的? What do you do for a living? What do you do?
你是一个司机吗?卡车司机吗?真的吗? You're a driver? Truck driver? Really?
-是的!是的!我可以模仿你当卡车司机的样子 -Yes! Yes! -I can do an impression of you as a truck driver.
你在干什么?“我是个卡车司机 ”好吧 What are you doing? "I'm a truck driver." Okay.
他真的让我高兴起来 He really cheered me up.
当我告诉他我可能很快会做很多娱乐节目时 And when I told him that I might be doing a lot of entertaining soon,
他还邀请我去他家做客 he actually invited me to visit him at his house
教我一两件事 to teach me a thing or two.
他有一个很好的地方 He had a really nice place
餐厅布置得一尘不染 with a spotless dining room set,
一架会自己弹奏的钢琴 a piano that played itself,
还有地下室的一整个房间 and a whole room in the basement
致力于他的假人收藏 devoted to his collection of dummies.
“我喜欢他的眼镜 ”是的 “他们真的很大 ” "I like his glasses." Yeah. "They're really huge."
是的 那可不太好 Yeah. Well, that's not nice.
“它们真的很大 ”是啊 挺厚的 And, uh-- "They're really huge." Yeah, they're pretty thick.
“去找些隐形眼镜 约翰尼 ”好吧…… "Get some contacts, Johnny." Okay...
这样不好 是吧?告诉他你很抱歉 That's not nice, huh? Tell him you're sorry.
“对不起 你瞎了 ”好吧 "I'm sorry you're blind." Alright.
我对娃娃很生气 因为它嘲笑我 I was angry at the doll for, for mocking me,
但不知何故 我不能因此而责怪他 but somehow, I couldn't hold it against the man
是谁逼他这么做的 who was actually making him do it.
你通常是好人而木偶是坏人吗? Are you usually the nice guy and the puppet is the mean guy?
是的,有点 有点 “嗯 ” Yeah, kinda. Kinda. "Uh-huh."
我是说 我告诉他别那么做 I mean, I'm telling him don't do that,
所以 在某种意义上 是的 “嗯 ” so, in a sense, yeah. "Uh-huh."
但是 它来自我的头部 所以你分裂了 But, it's coming from my head, so you're splitting
你的个性在某种程度上 your personality on some level
因为你写的是他会说的话 'cause you're writing what he would say,
然后假装不是你干的 and then performing it as if it wasn't you.
这很有趣 你知道吗? It's kinda interesting, you know?
我绝不会照这些人说的做 I would never do what these people say.
从来没有 有了这些东西 你就能逃脱谋杀 Never. You get away with murder with this stuff.
我以前从没想过这个 I'd never thought of that before.
你可以同时是两个不同的人 That you could be two different people at the same time.
也许他发现了对抗的秘诀 Maybe he had found the secret to being confrontational
在不损害的关系 without damaging relationships.
也许我的生活中就需要这样的东西 And maybe all I needed was something like this in my life.
我希望我能做一个特别节目 I'm hoping I'm able to do a special
在那里我们可以打破社会障碍 where we can break down the social barriers
还有政治障碍 and the political barriers.
我只是希望人们能放手 I just really want people to let go
享受生活吧 人生苦短 and enjoy, and life is short.
他看起来是个善良的人 He seemed like a kind soul,
他让我思考了很多 and he gave me a lot to think about.
但就在我要离开的时候 我意识到 But just as I was about to leave, I realized that
也许他根本就不是最好的榜样 maybe he wasn't the best role model after all.
做你喜欢的事 然后就不用工作了 对吧? Do what you love and then you never work a day, right?
-哦 不,你不…所以,烟 “是的 ” -Oh. No, you don't... -So, Smokey. "Yeah."
告诉他你是干什么的 “嗯 ”为什么? Tell him what you do for a living. "Uh-uh." Why?
“也许他是个警察 ”他不是警察 “没有吗?”不 "Maybe he's a cop." He's not a cop. "No?" No.
-他是个普通人“他是真的吗?”是的 -Um-- -He's a regular guy. "Is he really?" Yeah.
告诉他你的工作 “嗯 ”烟是一个皮条客 Tell him what you do. "Uh-uh." Smokey's a pimp.
“别告诉他 ”为什么?“不是政治上正确的 ” "Don't tell him that." Why? "Ain't politically correct."
你是什么?“我是一个身体关系促进者 ” What are you? "I'm a physical relationship facilitator."
我想我需要的都有了 I think I have everything I need.
截止日期到来时 When the closing date arrives,
你去律师办公室坐下 you head to the lawyer's office and you sit down
完成一切 to finalize everything.
他们把你们关在不同的房间里 They keep you in separate rooms
在所有文件归档之前 until all the paperwork is filed,
这样就没有谋杀了 so that there's no foul play.
然后, And then,
他们交给你的东西你都要签 you sign everything that they hand you
不用读一页 without reading a single page.
然后 你们终于可以团聚了 Then, you can finally reunite
和你的前房东一起庆祝 and celebrate with your former landlord,
现在 只有一个晚上 who now, for one night only,
其实是你的新房客 is actually your new tenant.
她利用你们在一起剩下的时间 She uses the time you have left together
把她知道的一切都传给你 to pass everything she knows down to you.
哦 把膝盖放在那儿? Oh, put your knee there?
哦,好的 我要学会缝纫 Oh, okay. I gotta learn how to sew.
哦 油在这里 哦,好的 Oh, the oil is right here. Oh, okay.
哦 去洗手间 Oh, for the bathroom.
是的 我一直很喜欢这些 是的 Yeah, I always liked these. Yeah.
这些是美丽的…好的 我买了 These are beautiful... Okay, I'll take them.
你会很想她的 You're gonna miss her a whole lot.
但你心里知道 But you know in your heart that
她只会在别的地方爱着你 she'll just be loving you somewhere else.
在她的东西都没了之后 And after all her stuff was gone,
她用吸尘器吸走了地板上的灰尘 and she vacuumed all the dirt off the floor,
她对你说的最后一句话是 her last words to you were,
“祝你今天愉快 祝你生活愉快 ” "Have a nice day. Have a nice life."
在一个大大的拥抱之后 And after a big hug,
她拿走了你将近100万美元 she takes nearly a million dollars of your money and...
直飞拉斯维加斯 flies nonstop to Las Vegas.
即使你想把房子盖好 And even though you try to make the house
你自己的点点滴滴 your own in little ways,
你要尽量保持所有的好传统 you'll try to keep all the good traditions
是你的房东开的 that your landlord started.
确保没人忘记谁来过这里 And make sure that nobody forgets who was here before.
不管谁最后住进了你的空房 And no matter who ends up living in your vacant unit,
我保证你们的关系会一直很好 you're guaranteed to always have a great relationship
因为如果你和他们有任何冲突 because if you ever have any conflicts with them,
谢天谢地 你现在有了健康的生活方式 you thankfully now have a healthy way
传达信息而不涉及个人隐私 to deliver the message without getting personal.
可能需要一点练习才能弄好 It might take a little practice to get it right,
但应该没问题 but it should work fine,
只要你别走得太远 as long as you don't take it too far.
当你看着雨落下 And as you watch the rain fall
轻抚你的新家 gently on your new house,
你终于可以平静下来 知道你拥有 you can finally be at peace, knowing that you have
这是你人生中第一次感到稳定 a sense of stability for the first time in your life.
如果你担心 And if you're ever worried about
在未来做重大决定 making big decisions in the future,
你要做的就是 all you have to do is just
听听你脑海里的声音 listen to that little voice in your head,
一切都会好起来的 and everything should be just fine.
我是约翰·威尔逊 谢谢收看 This is John Wilson. Thanks for watching.