Previously on Studio 60
There's a loose poisenous viper in the building?!
Kim is a viola prodigy
She wants to give up the viola to take up doing what you do.
The fate of western civilisation rests on you talking her out of it.
How the hell did that happen?
- You blew it off to Lucy 'cause you don't wanna be the black guy. - Simon
is right, now.
We're gonna be finished tonight.
Don't be scared.
I feel terrible, I embarassed you with the letters
and it will all stop now and go back to normal.
Ok.
Yeah, he's still down there.
- The snake? - The ferret. - Where's the snake?
- The ferret ate him. - Eaten by the ferret.
It`s locked.
Get the coyote to get the ferret that was sent in after the snake.
- Can we calm down a second... - I'm calm.
- and go back in time. - This is it.
Not far back, just ten minutes 'cause that's when the ground cracked open.
No, let's not go back ten minutes. Let's go back four days.
When you decided you didn't want but didn't want anyone else to have me, either.
- Are you kidding? - Or two years when you denied in the press we were a couple.
I didn't deny...
Or four weeks when you kissed me after show 'cause Luke was there, or any month of any year
Alright, stop it. Stop it now.
There really should be some kind of standard due process in these things, some damn 14th amendment.
Shut up!
I didn't deny anything to the press.
I can't believe you still... Some gossip guy calls my publicist and says:
"Is he dating Harriet Hayes?" I don't comment. Noone in their right mother-freakin' mind does.
I did.
I did. You didn't.
You know how stupid that made me look?!
I really don't have a whole lot of a control as to how smart or stupid you look Harriet,
except for the TV show that I write which made you a star.
You made me a star?
I made you look stupid?
I don't participate in gossip columns.
I know you know that, 'cause you're not borderline retarded.
So why are you trying to set us on fire?
Because your being here tonight,
your kissing me at Christmas,
your feigning jeaoulusy over Darren Wells, these are acts of cruelty
disguised as cuteness.
Let me ask you something: do you think Luke Scott wants to date me again?
- Yes! - You're right!
He told me he did.
How is it, you say you can't be with me if we're working together,
but Luke has no problem with it.
Harriet, I don't say we can't be together if we're working together.
We can’t be together if we’re working together!
Well, doesn't it work out nicely?!
No, it doesn't.
Excuse me! Sir!
Is there somebody down there?
There's a... Next to the Dumpster. He's asleep,there's a... you know,a...
Are you trying to say the word "bum"?
That's not a very nice word.
Oh, I see.
There’s a man down there who’s both housing and employment challenged.
Let's make fun of the homeless, they deserve it.
Excuse me!
- I was making fun of you. - I know.
Excuse me! Sir!
Excuse me, up here! Up on the roof!
Hello?!
What are you doing with that?
I'm gonna throw it down there and get his attention.
You hit a guy in the head with a rock you'll go to a women's facility.
I'm not gonna hit him, I'm gonna hit the Dumpster. It's gonna clang.
Give me the rock.
I was offered a field hockey scholarships at three Division 1 schools.
Oh and that makes you uniquely suited for this situation?
Right on the money, sonny.
He didn't wake up.
That rock felt funny and it was lighter than you'd expect it to...
Whoa, wait! There's a hide-a-key rock up here.
A fake rock with a spare key hold in the...
No!
Yeah! Why didn't you say anything?
I was trying to get past the visual of you playing field hockey!
- I was good. - I bet.
Why isn't anybody looking for us?
- Cal. - Yeah?
Ah...
All right, this is Yotie.
- Yotie. - Yeah.
This guy been in anything I'd know?
Oh,he's been around. Made his debut with The X-Files.
He's been working steady ever since.
Yotie's gonna smell the ferret, go down the grate, get the ferret.
Yeah.
Okay, now this is crucial
- he's gonna come back, right? - Yeah.
- With the ferret who's got the snake. - Yes, sir. Oh, that's me.
'Cause I've got actors coming back here in a couple of hours
and a petting zoo under the stage.
Yeah, hon? It's Tessie.
You don't scare me.
You do, you do scare me. That was hubris.
Oh, thanks, hon. It slipped my mind.
I love you.
I ran to get Yotie so quick, I forgot to notify American Humane.
Tessie took care of it.
How'd she take care of it?
She let American Humane know that I was bringing Yotie on to the stage.
Bevo, they're gonna send somebody over.
American Humane has to have a rep onstage if we're working with an animal.
That is the law.
I was hoping to skirt that law a little since I've already violated about 14 different sections of it.
Should we send him down there?
Send him down there.
Kim, that's your fifth tequila.
That would be a lot if you were Jose Cuervo.
What do you do with girls on dates?
Drink black coffee. We drink lots and lots of coffee.
Kim, please, at least eat something.
Most guys want me drunk.
Not hard to understand why, but I'm gonna flip all the cards now, okay?
I'm gonna tell you what's going on.
This is gonna sound crazy, but it's true.
Jack Rudolph needs a favor from your father.
It's a very important favor and in exchange,
what your father wants is for you to be talked out of giving up the viola.
And that's what I'm doing here.
Now, look, we don't really know each other,
but if just for tonight, just for a week,
you could say "Sure,Dad, I'm going back to Juilliard,
I'm not gonna be a comedian".
Kim, if you could just be daddy's little girl for one more...
Kim?
It was probably the tequila.
Thanks Hawkeye.
All right, this is ridiculous. I'm gonna take her back to her hotel.
All right,I'll help you. What hotel is she staying at?
She met me here. I don't know what hotel she's staying at.
Won't Jack know?
Jack will know. I'm gonna go find Jack
who will kill me with his thumbs.
I want you to walk her over to a private, secluded area.
Don't make a big deal out of it, put her arm around your shoulder,
pretend you're talking to her, that kind of thing, okay? I'm gonna go find Jack.
Okay,and I'll be performing selected scenes from Weekend at Bernie's.
Just do it.
No, I saw her at the theater,
but she went off to talk to Danny for a minute and no one's heard from them since.
Do you have this number?
Thanks.
What about the baseball bat?
I don't want to talk about this anymore.
"Here's a baseball bat. "Gosh, there's a guy's phone number on it?
"How could I have known that when I'm from Michigan where nobody plays baseball?"
Well, it was a silly act, and to the extent I was responsible...
- To the extent you were responsible? - Can you let me finish?
To the extent you were responsible
Harriet? Whether it's with me, the next guy or the guy after that,
you may want to consider taking it upon yourself to assume a little accountability.
I was hurt by Jeannie. You were with Jeannie.
What about the fact that you opened this discussion by quoting Luke to me?
I mean, to the extent that you're responsible for the words that come out of your mouth,
- you should... - Feel free to change the subject.
I really don't remember what the subject is.
It was Jeannie.
You went out with my friend.
You don't get to be the star of every show, Harry.
I didn't choose Jeannie because she was your friend.
I chose her 'cause she was my friend.
But let me ask you if this is the subject.
I never proposed to you.
Yes. That's the subject.
You know what?
If we had just been able to go six months without some eruption like this one tonight,
we'd be shopping for preschools right now.
That's the worst lie you've ever told.
We're almost ready for you two.
Matthew, I know this is last minute,
but have you had a chance to jot anything down?
He'll be fine, he's good on his feet.
I'm fine. Thanks.
All the proceeds from this song
will go to Save My Life,
which will disburse the money to children with AIDS in Africa.
And with that, it's my pleasure to say,
ladies and gentlemen,
Natalie Cole.
* Ooh-ooh... *
* The moment I wake up *
* Before I put on my makeup *
* I say a little prayer for you *
* While combing my hair now *
* And wondering... *
Have you worked with the Children's Hospice Coalition?
- What? - Worked with...?
- Yeah,I'm on the Board. - And Comic Relief?
You don't have to do this if you don't want to.
I wasn't lying
before.
Well, either it was lying or psychotic, so...
I don't understand what's happening tonight. I swear I don't.
What eruptions were you talking about?
- You said,"If it weren't for these eruptions..." - Yeah.
- "...we'd be married by now"? - I... I got to make these notes.
I'm not as good on my feet as you...
That's not the reason you've been using for the last five months.
Last five months, you've changed keys, you said it's been the show.
- The reason we're not together? - Yeah.
- It is the show. - Not the phantom eruptions?
The eruptions aren't a phantom. I'm living through one right now.
Who exactly was going to be bothered by it?
- God, Harry. Simon, Tom,
Jeannie, Sam, Alex, Dylan, Cal, Danny,
the crew, the studio, the network.
I landed in this thing, I didn't ask for it.
But we broke up before you did.
- Before I did what? - Landed in it.
- We've broken up about 18 times... - I was talking about the last time.
It was about two weeks before you took the job.
That particular time, you were so filled
with the spirit of the Lord that you sang a few ballads
for people who throw rocks at pregnant teenagers.
So that particular time it was neither the show nor an irrational eruption.
Right. It's 'cause I was a whack job.
I never cared that you're a whack job.
I can't believe I haven't shown more gratitude for that.
I'll tell you what I think is happening. I think you can't walk away...
so you're burning down the house.
Yes.
* Nobody but me... *
All the times I said "I love you", all of those times,
you think I was lying?
Yeah.
* Ooh, baby, baby *
Well, that's disappointing.
* Do, do, do, do... *
Excuse me, they're ready for you.
*... Little prayer for you *
* Hey, honey *
* Forever and ever *
* You'll stay in my heart *
* And I will love you * * Forever *
* And ever *
* We never will part *
- Kim? Kim? - Where's Jack?
I couldn't find him. I left word at his table.
Kim, come on, I see you in there.
You're funny on the news.
You think?
You're funny on the news.
Thanks a lot. You know, I'm real proud...
Kim? I need to take you back to your hotel.
- Yeah, baby. - No. No.
I need to know what hotel you're staying at.
Kim?
It's a nice one.
Do you remember the name?
I was able to play the Vivaldi Concerto in A-minor
when I was
seven years old.
Can you tell me...
- That's her phone. - Answer it.
Kim, I'm gonna answer your phone.
- Sugar lips. - Thank you.
She was talking to me.
- How do you know? - Shut up!
Hello?
- It's her father. - Hang up, hang up.
What the hell just happened?
What are you doing?
I'm writing a note to the... you know,the...
The well-assimilated member of society asleep in the Hefty bag?
- Yes. - What are you writing?
I'm writing "Look up, there are two people stuck on the roof.
"We're not at all dangerous.
"Please go around to the security lobby by Studio 60
"and tell the man there what's happened.
"Reward if you help us. Thank you."
By the time he's done reading the note...
You got a better idea?
You want to ask him for a recommendation?
You know, a lot of women would have found that charming.
- A lot of women would have? - I think so.
They usually do, do they?
You can reject me or you can be jealous of me,
but you can't do both at the same time.
I'm not jealous, I'm just asking.
You were my first.
You understand why I can't go out with you, right?
Not even a little.
I'm pregnant with another man's baby.
Yeah, I haven't seen him around much, have you?
You looking to be a surrogate father?
I stopped hitting on you a while ago...
Is the attraction physical?
- Is it what? - Physical.
Well...
right now you're the size of a minivan.
- I'm a very nice looking pregnant woman. - Yes.
- I'm... glowing. - You are.
- Where's the coyote? - Hang on.
Where the hell's the coyote, Bevo?
I got good news for you, Cal.
The coyote's coming back up?
No. The snake's still alive.
You see the snake?!
- Right there. - Okay,okay.
What does this mean?
Well,the snake's blocking the exit. That's why the coyote won't come back.
- He's afraid of the snake. - And the ferret?
He's afraid of the coyote.
I tell you,man,
this lacks the feel of professionalism.
Mother Nature's an inscrutable force.
What the hell does that mean?
- Think about it. - No.
Is there a way this can get worse?
Mr Shanley. That's right, your wife called the cops.
- Yes? Hi. - Mr Shanley,
I'm Nona Pruit with American Humane.
- Bevo. - How are you, Nona?
Well, Tess tells me you're using Yotie.
That's right. I ran out of the place before I had a chance to let you know.
Well, that's no problem.
- What are you shooting? - Me?
I need to know what you're using the animal for.
A film parody. A Western.
We need him howling at the moon. And he's great.
- Where is he? - Yotie?
I need to see him.
He's in a hole under the stage,okay?!
The coyote is under the stage with a ferret and a snake,
and none of them will come out!
- A ferret and a snake? - Yes.
We shot with vipers on Tuesday - we had a rep on the set.
One of the snakes went down the grate.
Grizzly Adams over here sent the ferret after him,
and now we've sent a coyote in after the ferret.
You've had a pit viper and a ferret under your stage since Tuesday?
Yes. And I dropped a lipstick camera down.
You can see on the monitor they're all doing very nicely, so there's really no reason...
Do you know how much trouble you're in?
...for any trouble.
This is a problem, Mr Shanley.
I know that, Ms Pruit! I've got the animal kingdom axis of evil down there.
All right, here are your options. Okay.
You force me to call in Animal Control,
the California Department of Fish and Game,and the USDA.
They fine you 20K per animal for cruelty
and press charges that can result in up to five years in prison.
Aha.
Or?
Rip up the damn floor and get the animals out of there.
See,the problem with that is I got people coming back for rehearsal pretty soon.
I'm sure you understand, we're 24 hours
- Yeah. Get me the police. - from a live... Fine!
I'm gonna bring in a crew, we're gonna rip up the floor,
and when I find these animals, I'm gonna cook'em and I'm gonna eat'em.
Let's go.
What happened?
She drank too much. Kim?
Kim, can you hear me?
- How'd you let her get like this? - It happened really fast.
It's true. I was there.
She wanted me to take her back to her hotel and dance for me.
- You didn't do that, right? - No!
She's 20 years old, Tom.
She's Courtney Love, Jack.
All right.
She doesn't remember what hotel she's staying at.
Beverly Wilshire.
But we can't deliver her to her father like this.
We're gonna hold on to her till she sobers up, then you'll take her to Studio 60,
I'm gonna have her lie down in your dressing room.
Yeah. Jack, you know, I kind of already have a problem
with a girl thinking that I lied to her about tonight,
and I'd like to explain things to her...
Things I don't care about. Things I don't care about.
Sure.
I'll have a car brought around.
Every person in this room was granted a special gift.
And with that gift comes special responsibility.
This money will go directly to benefit...
- What did you say to him? - What?
What did you say when he told you he wanted to date you?
Nothing. I didn't say anything.
...for example, is changing lives...
But I remembered what being with him was like.
And I think about it during rehearsals,
and what being with him again would be like.
And I start thinking about sleeping with him.
And then I stop,
out of an attachment to you that isn't real.
- I feel like I'm cheating on you... - Stop.
I didn't hear anything after...
You think about sleeping with him?
Thank you all
for sharing your gift...
There's really nothing to say after that. I mean...
I didn't know.
And now,
to present the St. Clare Award for Excellence in Television,
please welcome Matthew Albie.
Uh, thank you Shirley. Shirley's done a lovely job tonight.
Uh, this whole thing reminds me of an old joke.
There's a banquet filled with Catholic priests.
It's a sumptuous, it's a very fancy affair, much like... this one.
And the waiter goes up to one of the priests
and says: "How do you go about... "
uh,"how d... how does somebody become a,uh... " you know...
Uh,uh,"How do you go about being a,uh... "
The priest, uh, tells him about vows of poverty.
It's an old joke, but the punch line is,
"If this is poverty, I can't wait to see chastity."
Harriet, uh, has, uh, served on the board of the Children's Hospice
Coalition and, uh,
you know, I... I think I'll take a cue from... I'm just gonna let...
...her, uh...
Ladies and gentlemen, Harriet Hayes.
- We're just going right in there, Kim. - I got her.
- Did we leave her purse? - I got the purse.
- Those are her shoes. - I got the purse and the shoes.
We dropped her. It's okay.
Put her on the cot.
Not on her back, on her stomach.
How you doing, Kim?
I want Tom to take his pants off.
Eh, life's full of disappointments and that would probably be one of them.
- I'll make some coffee. - Screw coffee.
Who knows how to make a prairie oyster?
I do.
- You sure? - Yes.
Brandy, Worcestershire sauce, vinegar, tomato juice, bitters, pepper and a raw egg yolk.
- Where can we get it around here? - I got it in my room.
What are you, Sinatra?
We'll make it.
You know, Tom...
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Cal.
Could I have everyone in the writers' room, please?
Everyone in the writers' room.
Go.
- Lucy? - Not now.
- All right. - Why is the theater locked off?
That's what I wanted to talk to you about.
I wanted to be straight with you, I wanted to tell you the truth.
We failed our annual mold inspection.
- Mold? Mold? Mold? - We got mold?
Yeah, it's pretty serious, so...
it's gonna be about an hour before we get onstage.
An hour?
I had this stuff in my house and I had to move out for three weeks.
She's right, it's toxic, Cal.
This is the nontoxic kind.
There is no nontoxic kind, you breathe it in and you die.
That's not really the can-do spirit we like to promote around here, Andy.
You're telling us the theater has deadly spores in it.
A mild case.
Have they checked the dressing rooms?
No.
- No? - No. I mean no,
the only place we didn't pass the mold inspection was in a small electrical area under the stage.
We'll be rehearsing in an hour.
Uh, where are the executive producers?
That is a mystery.
Though it certainly wouldn't surprise me if they were under the stage as well.
Is the room spinning?
Yeah.
We had a sign up in my frat house:
"If you can lie down on the floor without holding on, you're not drunk."
What's the big favor you need from my father?
- It's a Hail Mary play. - What's that?
Take another sip.
It's a football term.
At the end of the game when you need a touchdown,
you just throw the ball and pray.
- How often does it work? - Never.
You're a musical prodigy, Kim.
Why in the world would you want to give that up?
You're just starting.
Lie down on your stomach. It'll help with the spins.
I'm not just starting.
I was practicing four hours a day when I was 36 months old.
And I was 14 before I found out that wasn't normal.
I slept in a cemetery overnight so I'd get tough.
Why does a viola player have to be tough?
Couldn't begin to tell ya,
but I know I'm not just starting out.
Well...
I'm going to have to call your father now.
- Please don't. - It's late, he's worried.
It's a father-daughter thing. Can't mess with that.
Do you have a daughter?
No, I don't have kids.
- Do you want kids? - Yes.
Does you wife want kids?
My wife and I are separated.
I have to call your father now.
If my father sees me now, he's going to know I'm drunk, you know?
I have to call him anyway.
He'll be angry at you.
He won't do the favor.
Yeah, I have to call him anyway.
- I can do magic. - Yeah?
Watch.
Whoo,look what was behind your ear.
Whoo,look at that.
That's really good.
Okay,now watch this.
- Nothing in my hands,right? - Right.
Now shake my hand.
It's so good to see you.
Look at your watch band.
Yeah,a piece of paper in there.
It's cooler with a dollar bill.
No,it's not.
How many girls do you know who can do magic?
Not that many.
Bet Hallie Galloway can't do magic.
I'm sure you're right.
- Have you met this chick? - I haven't.
She's our VP for Alternative Programming.
Yeah,I know who she is. I just haven't met her.
Well, she's blonde.
Nazi son of a bitch.
I'm serious.
I know.
- She's being groomed. - She's not being groomed.
She was on fire with Development at Fox. She knows I don't like reality.
Why else would she come here?
More money.
We gave her more money, but that was a fig leaf. She could have gotten it from Fox.
She could have gotten it from anybody.
I think you're seeing shadows.
This ain't my first rodeo.
Things have calmed down for you and you can't really get away with that expression.
Things haven't calmed down with me, Danny.
That's why to declare your ridiculous crush to...
- It's not... - ...the 50 most powerful people...
...a ridiculous crush! Don't do that!
Don't do that. Feel however you feel, but don't... you know.
When you get sober, don't they tell you not to make any decisions for a year?
Yes.
No new job, don't buy a house, don't get married.
- You think... - You had a relapse.
You barely got a hundred days.
You think this is drug-related?
You're feeling good, you can clean up your life, instant respectability.
Well, I am feeling pretty respectable right now, Jordan.
You, on the other hand, are frightened of blonde executives
and you're pulling paper out of my ear.
- You're scared of snakes. - Everyone's scared of snakes.
* You get mad without basis *
* I get mad when you sing for racists *
* Say a little prayer for you. *
- Hey stupid. - Yeah?
- Wendy. - Yeah.
I didn't know you were here tonight.
Natalie Cole invited me.
The whole group. We're gonna record with her.
There are more exciting ways to kill yourself.
What are you recording?
We are putting a house beat behind "The Very Thought Of You".
You look really nice, Wendy.
Thank you.
You know, usually when I see you, you're, you know...
Dressed like a slut.
Well, it's your job.
Hey, listen. I'm sorry about the stiletto-boot thing. That was...
Matty, there are a couple of photographers in front.
I'm going to take you out the side and put you in my car, okay?
- I blew the joke. - You're fine.
"If this is poverty, I can't wait to see chastity..."
- I tripped all over the damn... - That's okay.
- I tripped all over everything. - I'm going to take you home.
I lost Harriet.
I know. I saw her in the ladies' room.
- I'm going to take you home. - I can't go home.
I'm right here with you.
I can't. I gotta... work.
I gotta go back to the theater.
I'll take you there.
I appreciate that.
Come on, babe.
You look so nice, Wendy.
I clean up all right.
You got to isolate mold.
- You have to contain mold - immediately.
It's the asbestos of the 21st century.
You ingest it into your lungs and you're off to Memorial Sloan-Kettering.
Hello. How you doing,Andy?
Beautiful Lucy.
What do you say, Kunta Kinte?
- That's it. - Whoa.
No, you do not call me "Kunta Kinte" and you do not do it in front of people!
Mm-mm, there again, you want to watch the tone.
You want to put your inside voice on
- Damn it! I... - I will break your arm.
- Lucy? - Yeah.
Let's go. Let's do it.
Aw, sit the hell down. I'm not gonna beat you up.
- Damn right you're not gonna beat me... - Sit down!
I got you hired.
I told you not to let me down.
Was I unclear in some way?
I'm not letting you down. You're tripping.
Then tell me again why you passed Mongongo to Lucy.
Maybe I thought she was better suited for it.
Well, it turns out she is 'cause she's a writer.
Is this so hard...?
Rule number one: writing rules.
You're given a pitch to hit, you take the damn bat off your shoulder
or you watch on TV.
Is it so hard to understand?
That you don't want people to think you're the black guy?
Yeah!
Yeah, I think your secret's out.
Do you find it ironic that the character you passed on is exactly like you?
I strike you as an angry black militant?
No. Right now, you don't even strike me as black.
I meant that he's obsessed with white people, the character.
I'm not obsessed with white people.
The letters were unbelievable.
You got to learn to love'em as much as I do.
I love seeing how stupid my haters are.
Not one of them can spell "spear chucker" with a crayon.
Matt and I brought you here for two reasons:
you're talented and you're black, in that order.
Writing rules, dum-dum.
Help Matt with the Mongongo sketch.
Yeah.
- Excuse me? - Yes sir.
- Damn right, yes sir. - I said,"Yes sir. "
And I said, "Damn right" Chicken George.
How long you gonna keep this up?
Long as it's funny.
Uh... hey.
Hi. Uh... Not now.
Yes, now. I lied about why I had to break our date.
Well, you could have fooled me, Tom
'cause I never would have guessed
from the way the Asian fashion model had her hand on your thigh.
She's not a model.
She's a viola player. One of the best in the world.
And she's in my dressing room right now
with a prairie oyster trying to sober up before her father sees her.
What?
- Her father is a... - I don't care.
I'm wearing a party dress. I feel like an idiot.
- You look beautiful. - Shut up.
- Lucy... - You didn't even put in an effort not to get caught.
You didn't think the was a chance that I might also be invited to a dinner for Harriet?
- No. - Why not?
'Cause you're too low down on the pay scale.
You and Darius, you were invited at the last minute when somebody canceled, right?
Writers at your level don't get invited to these things.
Now, what I just said was insulting, but it's also true and that's why I said it.
If I was going to lie about anything right now,
I would have lied about that.
I had to do a favor for Jack Rudolph. That's the truth.
And you look beautiful tonight. That's the truth.
Now, will you go out with me Saturday?
No.
Then that's that.
I can go out with you Sunday.
Nice, you did a little switch.
- Tom? - Yes ma'am?
A prairie oyster is for hangovers.
If you drink one while you're drunk you're just gonna get drunker.
All right, I have to go right now.
But I'm really looking forward to Saturday night.
Sunday night.
Jack, we got to stop giving her prairie oysters.
It turns out we could kill this lunatic girl dead.
Tom Jeter, say hello to Kim's parents, Mr. and Mrs. Zhiang Tao.
"Lunatic girl" is an idiom in our language meaning...
Get out.
I apologize.
And it wasn't Jack's fault.
Mrs Tao, would you translate for your husband, please?
I wouldn't...
I wouldn't be too hard on her.
No, her mother will take care of that.
You speak English.
I speak a few words.
How many words?
All of them.
Why do you pretend you can't speak English?
It's fun.
It's fun?
Yeah. I mean...
I guess it would be.
Considering how much you needed me,
can you think of a way you could've screwed this up worse?
No sir.
But I'll tell you what.
Your daughter's not gonna quit the viola, you didn't raise an idiot,
but you might consider getting up off her ass
for a short time, you commie prick.
Did you understand all those words?
I did.
I know you and the missus think she's gonna thank you one day,
but I think it's gonna be in your sleep.
Tell her she can take the semester off. She'll go back to school.
All right.
All right. What?
You'll hire the best outside counsel?
What are you talking about?
You'll hire the very best outside counsel and the very best P.R. firm?
Uh... of course.
Then I'm on board.
Did you understand all those words?
We're gonna use the three-foot slab saw, Cally,
cut out a 20-by-10 foot section of the deck.
That big?
Assuming we don't hit concrete under the layer of 15-pound asphalt felt...
We will.
...a two-man demolition crew will remove all the piping from the original heating system.
Now, once Bevo's gone down there and rescued the animals...
It's okay with me if the animals die.
Mr Shanley...
And it's okay with me if she gets seriously injured.
- Are we cutting around the electrical? - That's where we're cutting in.
I'm gonna shut off the circuit breakers for the A.C.
It's on the roof. I'll be right back.
Bevo, I think your plan worked out incredibly well.
- Thanks man. - You bet.
In science news,
Dr. Grigory Perelman solved an intractable mathematical problem
known as the Poincare conjecture
by successfully inventing a formula
that proves that a rabbit is a sphere.
What day is today?
- Matty, I think you need to go home. - I'm okay.
I don't think you are. I think you need to go home.
I can't go home, Wendy. I have to, among other things,
I have to find a punch line for this...
Come on, this is...
A guy successfully invented a formula that proves a rabbit is a sphere.
It's Thursday.
How about if you lie down for...
I can't, Wendy. I can't go home, I can't lie down.
It's Thursday.
I appreciate it, but look at the clock.
That clock is pretty...
- I'd like to go get Danny. - No, leave him alone.
- You'll feel better if you talk to him. - I like talking to you.
- Come on, let me just... - You can't get him. Please.
- It's Thursday. He's gonna worry. - He's paid to worry, hon.
No! Just don't tell him what happened.
You've never been turned down by a woman before?
Not this many times in one night by the same person, no.
Say in four months, you lose interest?
You're not gonna break up with me, 'cause I'm seven months pregnant
and you always want to do the right thing.
And then you marry me and after four years,
you just can't take it 'cause you never loved me in the first place and you leave,
and then we have a four-year-old, who just lost his father for the second time.
Did we ever go out to dinner anywhere in there?
I'm not joking.
What happened to you pretending you only had a year to live?
You stood in Matt's office when you thought you were gonna be fired
and said you were gonna run the network like you only had a year to live. What happened?
I'm gonna be somebody's mother.
- Give me your pad and pen. - Why?
People must be back in the building.
I'm gonna slide a note under the door, and maybe somebody will see it.
I wasn't gonna lose interest in four months.
- How do you know? - Because I do.
I don't feel sorry for you. I'm not on a sobriety high.
I just want to be with you. What am I writing with?
My eyeliner. Chanel Sable.
I'm locked up on a roof for four hours with a deadly viper at large,
and it's the best night of my life because I was with you.
I wasn't gonna lose interest in four months.
How do I know?
'Cause I'm like a hundred times smarter than you
and I know these things.
Oh!
Oh! Hey! Jordan, Danny, you guys are here?
Yeah.
We've been looking for you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Where?!
- How long have you been up here? - A little while, Cal.
Where's the snake?
Yeah,you thought I wasn't gonna figure it out?
Excuse me, please, I need to find food. Danny, thank you.
It's been a pleasure.
How'd you guys do?
What the hell happened?
Yes... a snake got loose.
How many hours ago?
Tuesday.
Then we sent a ferret down after the snake
and when the ferret didn't come out, we sent down a coyote...
Oh my God!
...named Yotie.
We have to rip up the stage now.
I've told the cast the theater is full of toxic mold,
and we're gonna be fined pretty heavily by...
several agencies.
How much did I say we could shoot it for if we went out?
72,000.
And how much did you say we could shoot it for if we stayed in?
54,000.
And how much will it have ended up costing us?
235,000.
A little bit more if the ferret ends up eating the snake.
Oh, you'd better hope the ferret eats the snake, my friend,
because if I go down there - and by the way,
unless this $235,000 film wins something at Cannes...
How did that get in there?
Danny? What is it?
I`M CRAZY ABOUT YOU!
Chanel Sable.
Jordan?
Jordan?!
Jordan!
Have you seen Jordan? Jordan!
Look behind you.
Don't ever make fun of my magic tricks.
What's Dolphin Girl?
Harriet has a voice that's funny.
I don't know how she does it, really. She makes it come out of her socks.
What'd she say to you, Matt?
Nothing. It's all right.
You know, we've broken up about 50 times. This time we weren't even going out.
- But this time was different? - Yeah, a little.
How?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
I still haven't been able to write a sketch for it.
- What? - Dolphin Girl.
I still haven't been able to write a sketch for it.
You think that's why she got mad at me?
Yes Matt, I do.
You have to understand women.
They want men to write sketches for them
when they come up with funny voices. You can't just...
I can be a better boyfriend than I was before
and I can be a good husband.
You should tell her that.
I'm, I'm telling you Wendy.
I'm saying I can be better than I was last time.
Matthew...
I'm getting married.
Hang on.
Hey baby.
Yeah. I'm on my way home, sweetie.
Bye.
- I have to go. - Yeah.
Sure. It's late.
You're all right getting home?
Oh, yeah.
- Congratulations on... - Thanks.
He's the man of my dreams. Took him whole life to find me.
Well, we can be stupid.
I really can tell that joke, you know. Poverty and...
I know.
And you will get that punch line, too.
* He's gone... *
* 2,000 miles... *
* It's very far *
* The snow is falling down *
* Gets colder day by day *
* I miss you *
* The children were singing *
* He'll be back at Christmas time *
* In these frozen and silent nights *
* Sometimes in a dream *
* You appear *
* Outside under the purple sky *
* Diamonds in the snow... sparkle *
* Our hearts were singing *
* It felt like Christmas time... *
* 2,000 miles *
* Is very far through the snow *