1 00:00:04,455 --> 00:00:08,459 Family Guy The Former Life of Brian 2 00:00:09,304 --> 00:00:12,355 www.forom.com 3 00:00:22,462 --> 00:00:24,482 Transcript: Raceman Synchro: www.subsfactory.it 4 00:00:24,745 --> 00:00:29,063 Traduction: Lgy, Tezman, Skualler 2 00:00:39,776 --> 00:00:41,309 Hey, Stewie, you ready to go home? 3 00:00:41,310 --> 00:00:42,302 About an hour ago. 4 00:00:42,303 --> 00:00:43,535 This party sucks. 5 00:00:43,536 --> 00:00:44,602 What happened to your face? 6 00:00:44,603 --> 00:00:46,012 I'a ttcat. 7 00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:48,684 Stupid face-painters apparently never heard of Darth Maul. 8 00:00:48,685 --> 00:00:51,205 This party's worse than a Mexican funeral. 9 00:00:51,355 --> 00:00:55,808 Es con mucho dolor que digamos adios a Javier.. 10 00:00:56,066 --> 00:01:01,660 y Pepe y Carlos y Lupe, y otra Lu 11 00:01:01,664 --> 00:01:05,364 ,lvor Faan, Jesus, Maria, 12 00:01:05,409 --> 00:01:09,004 Vincente, y los perros de Vincente. 13 00:01:17,958 --> 00:01:19,458 Come on. Let's get out of here, Ban. 14 00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:20,982 Wait. Hang on a second. 15 00:01:21,166 --> 00:01:22,160 Who's that? 16 00:01:25,277 --> 00:01:26,490 That's Jared's mom. 17 00:01:26,497 --> 00:01:27,980 Her husband died in Iraq. 18 00:01:27,987 --> 00:01:28,842 Really? 19 00:01:29,627 --> 00:01:31,510 No, wait. He was either wounded or killed. 20 00:01:31,517 --> 00:01:32,150 don't remember. 21 00:01:32,158 --> 00:01:33,870 Well, which is it, Stewie, wounded or killed? 22 00:01:33,876 --> 00:01:34,623 I can work with either. 23 00:01:34,627 --> 00:01:35,663 No, no, he's dead. He's dead. 24 00:01:35,668 --> 00:01:36,983 Just like the Pink Panther. 25 00:01:37,687 --> 00:01:39,123 What's wrong with him, Doctor? 26 00:01:39,126 --> 00:01:41,480 Well, it seems his lungs are completely filled 27 00:01:41,518 --> 00:01:44,052 with Owens-Corning fiberglass insulation. 28 00:01:44,058 --> 00:01:44,773 What?! 29 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:45,972 Will he be okay? 30 00:01:45,977 --> 00:01:47,652 Noheon bok. 31 00:01:47,656 --> 00:01:51,621 One-third of his body weight is Owens-Corning fiberglass insulation. 32 00:01:53,808 --> 00:01:55,221 llth'st. 33 00:01:55,228 --> 00:01:58,502 But don't worry, he won't burn in hell thanks to all that 34 00:01:58,508 --> 00:02:00,962 Owens-Corning fiberglass insulation. 35 00:02:03,086 --> 00:02:05,692 How about at gianhu Yeah, he's great. 36 00:02:05,747 --> 00:02:06,960 I love magicians. 37 00:02:07,055 --> 00:02:10,133 I don't know why, but I've always found magic very sexy. 38 00:02:10,137 --> 00:02:10,971 I'm a magician. 39 00:02:10,985 --> 00:02:11,670 You are? 40 00:02:11,888 --> 00:02:13,191 How long have you been doing magic? 41 00:02:13,197 --> 00:02:14,413 Oh, long time. 42 00:02:14,415 --> 00:02:15,763 I used to work with Doug Henning. 43 00:02:15,768 --> 00:02:16,472 Wow. 44 00:02:16,578 --> 00:02:18,463 Yeah. Want to e Dg nng? 45 00:02:19,027 --> 00:02:20,872 Welcome to the wonderful world of magic. 46 00:02:20,878 --> 00:02:22,641 Hope I don't get AIDS. 47 00:02:23,507 --> 00:02:25,993 Oh, God, that is so my humor. 48 00:02:25,998 --> 00:02:29,051 You know, my son's birthday party is next weekend. 49 00:02:29,198 --> 00:02:31,330 Any chance I can hire you to do your act? 50 00:02:31,338 --> 00:02:32,631 Absolutely! 51 00:02:32,665 --> 00:02:34,963 I think the magis arngo pp already. 52 00:02:36,218 --> 00:02:37,890 Brian, this is painful. 53 00:02:37,895 --> 00:02:39,892 It's like listening to those two foreign guys 54 00:02:39,928 --> 00:02:42,200 down at the coffee shop o' bn vi ithU. 55 00:02:42,247 --> 00:02:44,083 almost long enough to sound American. 56 00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:47,921 Oh, man, what a good bunch of partying at that discotheque. 57 00:02:47,926 --> 00:02:49,740 eylad e mauence requests. 58 00:02:49,746 --> 00:02:50,743 Way awesome. 59 00:02:50,757 --> 00:02:53,340 I myself drank, like, five liters of beer. 60 00:02:53,345 --> 00:02:55,933 Any more and I would have ended up in hospital, man. 61 00:02:55,938 --> 00:03:00,511 Ohyosa ifrnd to stay 'cause I almost hadsex on this girl. 62 00:03:00,518 --> 00:03:02,843 Oh, yeah! But itwas soxpsive. 63 00:03:02,846 --> 00:03:05,233 Each drink was, like,x lls. 64 00:03:08,507 --> 00:03:09,771 And if I've donethis right, 65 00:03:09,925 --> 00:03:12,570 then this isyour car Swi 66 00:03:12,746 --> 00:03:14,732 Really, Brian?Card tricks? 67 00:03:14,737 --> 00:03:16,710 That's what's gonna closethe deal with this woman? 68 00:03:16,715 --> 00:03:17,893 Well, yeah.Why not? 69 00:03:17,907 --> 00:03:19,771 You need more than t u need an act. 70 00:03:19,776 --> 00:03:22,602 Listen, I'll beyour assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show. 71 00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:23,103 Really? 72 00:03:23,108 --> 00:03:24,441 Yeah, we'll doall the great tricks. 73 00:03:24,448 --> 00:03:25,971 You can evensplit me in half. 74 00:03:25,976 --> 00:03:27,261 What?w iha. 75 00:03:27,307 --> 00:03:29,300 Well, I am still a little shaky onsome of this stuff. 76 00:03:29,305 --> 00:03:30,681 I guess I coulduse the help. 77 00:03:30,686 --> 00:03:33,441 Great. And we'll get youa wand, a top hat and a cape. 78 00:03:33,527 --> 00:03:36,580 In fact, you can usePeter's cape from last year'sHaeen costume. 79 00:03:36,795 --> 00:03:37,623 Hi, Brian. 80 00:03:37,727 --> 00:03:40,802 I'm Count Crotchula,the bulging vampire. 81 00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:44,300 I'll bite your neck, but also look w gamowthe. 82 00:03:44,336 --> 00:03:45,772 That costume doesn'tmake any sense. 83 00:03:45,777 --> 00:03:47,701 Don't stiflemy creativity! 84 00:03:47,717 --> 00:03:49,362 See that bulgedown there, Brian. 85 00:03:49,368 --> 00:03:51,432 Whats atWh iit 86 00:03:51,477 --> 00:03:54,613 Can't be my pointy teeth, 'cause those areall the way up here. 87 00:03:55,098 --> 00:03:57,051 I'll let you inon a little secret. 88 00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:59,801 Happy Halloween. 89 00:04:02,996 --> 00:04:05,090 Okay, kids, it's time forthe magic show. 90 00:04:05,096 --> 00:04:09,313 Hoabt birod applause for The Amazing Brian?! 91 00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:11,502 Yay!I love magic! 92 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:14,390 I can't believe I agreedto four costume changes. 93 00:04:14,465 --> 00:04:17,543 Oh, who am I kidding?I insisted on it. 94 00:04:17,555 --> 00:04:19,421 Brian thanks so muchfor doing this. 95 00:04:19,428 --> 00:04:22,073 Paul and I are so excitedto see your act. 96 00:04:22,077 --> 00:04:23,613 Oh, thank...Wait. What? 97 00:04:23,618 --> 00:04:25,093 Paul, my boyfriend. 98 00:04:25,225 --> 00:04:26,542 Paul, this is Brian. 99 00:04:26,546 --> 00:04:28,193 Boyfriend?!Oh, come on! 100 00:04:28,278 --> 00:04:30,143 I id80foalth crap! 101 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,323 You have a boyfriend?! 102 00:04:31,325 --> 00:04:31,813 Yeah. 103 00:04:31,815 --> 00:04:32,920 And I'm a great guy. 104 00:04:32,928 --> 00:04:35,762 I'm unemployed, but that makes her feel usefulin the relationship. 105 00:04:35,765 --> 00:04:36,900 m nnfihi 106 00:04:36,906 --> 00:04:39,163 Our relationshipwill do fine on that basis. 107 00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:41,363 If he had his life together, I wouldn'tbe into it. 108 00:04:41,367 --> 00:04:42,142 But I don't. 109 00:04:42,148 --> 00:04:44,181 God! I am so sickof this crap! 110 00:04:44,286 --> 00:04:45,530 Is this the show? 111 00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:47,231 You know what? The hell withboth of you! 112 00:04:47,236 --> 00:04:48,013 I'm outta here! 113 00:04:49,057 --> 00:04:50,503 Are we doing this thing or what? 114 00:04:50,508 --> 00:04:52,860 Brian? Brian? 115 00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:55,442 Well, this was a lot of effortfor nothing... 116 00:04:55,515 --> 00:04:58,583 like trying to tellMatthew McConaughey how much he sucks. 117 00:04:58,588 --> 00:05:02,051 You know, Matthew, I-I may not ever getotr an to say this,so I 118 00:05:02,058 --> 00:05:04,151 just want to get this offmy chest. 119 00:05:04,356 --> 00:05:06,442 You are just awful. 120 00:05:06,458 --> 00:05:09,752 You're one of the worst actors t hto ofi.. 121 00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:12,240 ...and I think that you needto go away. 122 00:05:12,248 --> 00:05:13,091 Oh, thanks, man. 123 00:05:13,098 --> 00:05:16,480 The truth is I spendat least 90% of my year going away 124 00:05:16,485 --> 00:05:19,152 exploringexotic places, having sex with mybeautiful 125 00:05:19,196 --> 00:05:20,381 girlfriend,just doing sit-ups. 126 00:05:20,415 --> 00:05:22,250 I mean, I really...And then counting money. 127 00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:25,222 Money that I made off thteib fmsat I put out into the American 128 00:05:25,257 --> 00:05:27,253 populacebecause they just love to see me 129 00:05:27,297 --> 00:05:28,853 doing whatit is that I do. 130 00:05:28,855 --> 00:05:29,851 Yes, but you'renot hearing me. 131 00:05:29,895 --> 00:05:32,852 Dazed anCous wathonthgthat was passable. 132 00:05:32,857 --> 00:05:34,032 After that...Oh, thanks, man. 133 00:05:34,078 --> 00:05:35,171 That actuallylaunched my care 134 00:05:35,218 --> 00:05:37,860 After that, everything elsewas awful. 135 00:05:37,897 --> 00:05:40,532 Contact, they didn'teven need u tt vi They could have donethe 136 00:05:40,537 --> 00:05:41,453 whole movie without you. 137 00:05:41,456 --> 00:05:42,633 I know. I know. I saidthe same thing. 138 00:05:42,636 --> 00:05:44,623 but they're just, like, "Oh, we need agood-looking guy " 139 00:05:44,625 --> 00:05:47,472 with a greaasanso thtbs "to just provide 140 00:05:47,507 --> 00:05:49,382 some down-home enthusiasmin this picture. 141 00:05:49,386 --> 00:05:51,221 Something to counterbalanceJodie Foster." 142 00:05:51,228 --> 00:05:54,872 They took her to be,uh, slightlyd,, apoaab, you know? 143 00:05:54,875 --> 00:05:55,720 So they put mein there. 144 00:05:55,724 --> 00:05:56,914 I said it didn'tmake any sense. 145 00:05:56,919 --> 00:05:59,904 Said the, saidthe same thing about that Bill Murrayelephant movie, 146 00:05:59,948 --> 00:06:02,248 but they were just, like,"Oh, theudnc nd u. 147 00:06:03,209 --> 00:06:05,071 You make me physicallysick to my stomach, 148 00:06:05,106 --> 00:06:07,042 and I wish that you would get aheart attack. 149 00:06:07,048 --> 00:06:08,141 I totally feel you, man. 150 00:06:08,145 --> 00:06:11,111 Truth of the mte isI n'li my movies either, but, man, they 151 00:06:11,116 --> 00:06:13,083 justkeep offering me money 152 00:06:13,085 --> 00:06:14,983 and I do it and I getto go around the world. 153 00:06:15,028 --> 00:06:16,290 I mean, didyou see Sahara? 154 00:06:17,145 --> 00:06:19,232 te you whatthe move gave me was an opportunity to take an 155 00:06:19,235 --> 00:06:20,803 Airstreamall across the country 156 00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:23,012 and sell that pictureone person at a time. 157 00:06:23,015 --> 00:06:24,482 You suck donkey ass. 158 00:06:24,486 --> 00:06:25,712 Now, you can'tprove that. 159 00:06:28,797 --> 00:06:30,400 That was so humiliating! 160 00:06:30,405 --> 00:06:33,561 I mean, look atall the stuff I t se toujust to get laid. 161 00:06:33,565 --> 00:06:34,671 Oh, don't worry,my friend. 162 00:06:34,675 --> 00:06:36,403 One day you'llfind your soul mate. 163 00:06:36,455 --> 00:06:39,183 The sad thing is I already did...years ago. 164 00:06:39,757 --> 00:06:44,003 Try anan She was the greatest girl I ever met,and I blew it. 165 00:06:44,345 --> 00:06:45,282 You should look her up. 166 00:06:45,295 --> 00:06:46,130 Oh, am I boring you? 167 00:06:46,137 --> 00:06:48,282 No, it's just...long day. 168 00:06:48,357 --> 00:06:50,020 Well, I supposeI could look her up. 169 00:06:50,106 --> 00:06:51,921 I just wonder if she'd evenwant to see me. 170 00:06:52,015 --> 00:06:54,180 I wasn't exactly the nicestguy in the world. 171 00:06:54,578 --> 00:06:58,590 And then, inghchl, I was violated sexuallyby my father. 172 00:06:58,598 --> 00:07:02,060 It happened onnumerous occasions, and I was too idto tell 173 00:07:02,106 --> 00:07:05,280 anyone because I felt likesomehow it w mfat. 174 00:07:06,416 --> 00:07:09,500 So... you do goall the way. 175 00:07:15,907 --> 00:07:17,493 Well, here goes. 176 00:07:23,717 --> 00:07:25,340 Uh, Tracy? 177 00:07:26,077 --> 00:07:27,462 acFlag? 178 00:07:27,528 --> 00:07:30,873 Oh, my God, Brian Griffin, is that you? 179 00:07:30,896 --> 00:07:33,611 Uh, yeah, it's me. 180 00:07:33,617 --> 00:07:36,642 Analheanis to kiss you just one more time. 181 00:07:37,115 --> 00:07:40,920 Wow, you sure look...different than the last timeI saw you. 182 00:07:40,926 --> 00:07:42,561 ahhacu 183 00:07:42,566 --> 00:07:45,011 So to get out of hereI just make a left out 184 00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:46,963 of the driveway and drive as fastas I can? 185 00:07:46,965 --> 00:07:50,550 Wait. Brian, I'm actually gladyofod. 186 00:07:50,588 --> 00:07:53,890 There's someoneI've wanted you to meet for a long time. 187 00:07:53,898 --> 00:07:55,232 From the lookat those toenails, 188 00:07:55,238 --> 00:07:57,591 I bet it's thatlittle Lamisil monster. 189 00:07:57,767 --> 00:08:00,050 Brian, this is Dylan. 190 00:08:00,055 --> 00:08:02,412 He's... your son. 191 00:08:02,585 --> 00:08:04,213 Oh, no way! 192 00:08:04,218 --> 00:08:06,372 Jey!er! rr 193 00:08:09,808 --> 00:08:13,033 Gosh, this is alovely home, Tracy. 194 00:08:13,055 --> 00:08:14,103 That's so weird. 195 00:08:14,168 --> 00:08:17,161 It smells likethere's a cat, buI t ersno cat. 196 00:08:17,165 --> 00:08:20,163 I wanted you to meet Dylanfor a long time, Brian. 197 00:08:20,265 --> 00:08:22,092 Well, Brian, a son. 198 00:08:22,096 --> 00:08:23,243 How about that? 199 00:08:23,317 --> 00:08:26,681 Myodth imounmftable than the good-byein The Wizard of Oz. 200 00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:28,161 Good-bye, Tin Man. 201 00:08:28,166 --> 00:08:31,333 Good-bye, Doro Good-bye, Lion. 202 00:08:31,335 --> 00:08:32,820 Good-bye, Dorothy. 203 00:08:32,935 --> 00:08:35,581 I think I'll miss youmost of all, Scarecrow. 204 00:08:35,995 --> 00:08:36,992 Oh, okay. 205 00:08:36,995 --> 00:08:38,211 That's kind of anodd thing to say. 206 00:08:38,216 --> 00:08:40,773 Yeah, sort of a weird commentrit fntf 207 00:08:40,817 --> 00:08:42,410 l u Kinda thoughtthis was a team effort. 208 00:08:42,426 --> 00:08:45,493 Yeah, yeah.Really, really glad I risked my lifeand everything. 209 00:08:45,498 --> 00:08:48,322 Yeah, you're, like,five minutes from gone and you leave with that? 210 00:08:48,336 --> 00:08:51,632 You know, it's likecutting a huge fart and then walkingout of the room. 211 00:08:51,718 --> 00:08:54,771 And that's how we'll remember you,as a big fart. 212 00:08:54,906 --> 00:08:56,450 Good-bye, big fart. 213 00:08:59,718 --> 00:09:03,210 So, Dylan, um, shouldn'tyou be in school? 214 00:09:03,225 --> 00:09:04,062 I doknow. 215 00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:05,812 It's Wednesday.Up yours! 216 00:09:05,815 --> 00:09:08,042 Nice kid. Say, Brian,now that I think about it, 217 00:09:08,087 --> 00:09:12,330 how can you possible havea 13-year-old son enouourselfare only seven? 218 00:09:12,337 --> 00:09:13,682 Well, those are dog years. 219 00:09:13,708 --> 00:09:14,892 That doesn't makeany sense. 220 00:09:14,895 --> 00:09:15,692 You know what, Stewie? 221 00:09:15,698 --> 00:09:17,651 If you don't like it, go on the Internetand complain. 222 00:09:21,066 --> 00:09:22,061 Oh, it was awful. 223 00:09:22,068 --> 00:09:23,510 That kid was acomplete thug. 224 00:09:23,526 --> 00:09:25,573 I'm telling you, I couldn't get outof there fast enough. 225 00:09:25,578 --> 00:09:28,361 Boy, Brian, youdodged a bullet not having toraise that kid. 226 00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:30,002 Your life would havebeen more miserable 227 00:09:30,007 --> 00:09:31,151 than a lonely old widow 228 00:09:31,167 --> 00:09:32,930 livingin a downstairs apartment. 229 00:09:35,685 --> 00:09:37,620 Quiet! Keep itdown up there! 230 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:39,903 What did I just say? 231 00:09:39,925 --> 00:09:41,132 I'm callg e li! 232 00:09:42,098 --> 00:09:43,362 I don't know, Brian. 233 00:09:43,368 --> 00:09:45,920 Don't you think you havea responsibility to your son? 234 00:09:45,925 --> 00:09:48,771 Hey, Lois, I didn't even knowI had a son until today. 235 00:09:48,816 --> 00:09:51,521 Anbede is t keTracy ever asked for my help. 236 00:09:51,528 --> 00:09:53,322 Yeah, it seemed likethey're all set without you. 237 00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:59,721 She's done a fine job creating a child-friendlyenvironment... 238 00:10:03,646 --> 00:10:04,763 Great parenting. 239 00:10:04,777 --> 00:10:05,671 I don't know, Brian. 240 00:10:05,678 --> 00:10:08,433 Raising a child is a veryrewarding experience. 241 00:10:08,438 --> 00:10:09,690 You know what elseis rewarding, Lois? 242 00:10:09,698 --> 00:10:10,782 Shuttin' your vag. 243 00:10:10,788 --> 00:10:11,542 What?Wh? 244 00:10:14,166 --> 00:10:16,510 Dylan! What are youdoing here? 245 00:10:16,518 --> 00:10:18,451 My mom wanted meto give you this. 246 00:10:18,666 --> 00:10:22,243 "To Brian from Tracy.He's your obm w. 247 00:10:22,727 --> 00:10:25,313 "P.S. Will you write mea letter of recommendation for the 248 00:10:25,316 --> 00:10:26,833 Universityof Phoenix?" 249 00:10:27,458 --> 00:10:29,671 No. No, I'm not gonna t se othli like that. 250 00:10:29,675 --> 00:10:31,182 But Dylan, my God! 251 00:10:31,245 --> 00:10:34,801 Everybody, thishandsome muscular boy is Brian's son, Dylan. 252 00:10:34,805 --> 00:10:37,002 Dyn gnae ayingwith us for a while. 253 00:10:37,008 --> 00:10:38,963 Dylan, it's so niceto meet you. 254 00:10:39,037 --> 00:10:40,090 Shut up, bitch! 255 00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:41,932 Oh! He gotyou, Lois. 256 00:10:41,946 --> 00:10:44,912 No, no,!accat ts. She can't justleave him here. 257 00:10:44,917 --> 00:10:47,041 Well, we can't justturn him away, Brian. 258 00:10:47,088 --> 00:10:48,882 After all, he is family. 259 00:10:48,965 --> 00:10:51,101 I don't know. ers gna sleep? 260 00:10:51,108 --> 00:10:52,922 He could sleepin Stewie's room. 261 00:10:53,025 --> 00:10:54,763 Would you likethat, sweetie? 262 00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:57,550 No, my pants just got shorter'cause I hated the idea. 263 00:11:00,826 --> 00:11:02,000 And this is Chris. 264 00:11:02,006 --> 00:11:04,122 Chris, this ismy son, Dylan. 265 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:05,240 Hi, Dylan. 266 00:11:05,335 --> 00:11:07,463 All istu ihe imi now. 267 00:11:08,385 --> 00:11:09,121 Well... 268 00:11:09,265 --> 00:11:11,862 Okay, but be carefulopening the closet, 269 00:11:11,898 --> 00:11:13,930 'cause that's wherethe evil monkey lives. 270 00:11:20,745 --> 00:11:21,712 y! 271 00:11:21,717 --> 00:11:24,132 I haven't been inmy closet for years! 272 00:11:24,996 --> 00:11:27,833 Boy, there is a lotof feces in here. 273 00:11:33,348 --> 00:11:34,682 Something on yourmind, son? 274 00:11:34,697 --> 00:11:37,010 Shut up, dude. You'rejust a fat old bastard. 275 00:11:37,018 --> 00:11:40,442 ll, not to get technical,sir, but you are the bastard. 276 00:11:42,715 --> 00:11:44,772 Front... 277 00:11:44,777 --> 00:11:49,370 I say.. 278 00:11:49,378 --> 00:11:51,650 i'll.. 279 00:11:51,656 --> 00:11:54,543 you run.. 280 00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:56,502 schn.. 281 00:11:56,765 --> 00:11:58,010 I hate you all! 282 00:11:58,017 --> 00:11:59,521 I didn't askto be born. 283 00:11:59,615 --> 00:12:02,083 Iad g, Iwould kill you all! 284 00:12:02,325 --> 00:12:03,340 Did you hear that, Lois? 285 00:12:03,345 --> 00:12:05,530 Now we know what toget him for Christmas. 286 00:12:05,536 --> 00:12:08,362 Oh! I love the holidays. 287 00:12:08,367 --> 00:12:10,793 Brian, you have gotto get Dylan under control. 288 00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:12,582 He's terrorizingthe whole family. 289 00:12:12,585 --> 00:12:14,993 Yeah, you wouldn't believe what he didto Meg yesterday. 290 00:12:15,007 --> 00:12:18,543 He made her watc thotr 8 urof Monty Python stuff that isn't 291 00:12:18,545 --> 00:12:20,460 funnyor memorable. 292 00:12:20,466 --> 00:12:24,421 I have a pet hedgehog named Zippy and I shall walk her to town, 293 00:12:24,425 --> 00:12:27,423 and each time my foot hits the ground, I shall say, "Boing, 294 00:12:27,426 --> 00:12:29,922 boing, boing." 295 00:12:29,927 --> 00:12:31,110 m gi! 296 00:12:31,116 --> 00:12:33,773 I don't even like the good Monty Python sketches. 297 00:12:34,058 --> 00:12:36,211 Don't worry, I got itunder control, Lois. 298 00:12:36,306 --> 00:12:38,920 I'm monitoring Dylan from hereon Stewie's baby monitor. 299 00:12:39,236 --> 00:12:41,530 Hey, Dylan. Hey, come on in here for a sec. 300 00:12:41,535 --> 00:12:43,303 Stewie, why are you nude? 301 00:12:43,305 --> 00:12:45,623 Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here 302 00:12:45,666 --> 00:12:47,032 ll aak t party. 303 00:12:47,116 --> 00:12:48,991 Got my teacup here. 304 00:12:48,998 --> 00:12:50,610 Now all I need is a tea bag. 305 00:12:51,466 --> 00:12:53,183 That's something that interests you, my friend? 306 00:12:53,186 --> 00:12:54,971 u' wrd Yeah, and you're attractive 307 00:12:55,018 --> 00:12:56,772 Now take your beep pants off! 308 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:57,952 I'm outta here. 309 00:12:58,577 --> 00:13:00,553 Oh, did you see that, Rupert? 310 00:13:00,745 --> 00:13:05,490 How Le Gu ineneconds, starring Stewie Griffin, huh? 311 00:13:05,635 --> 00:13:07,601 Gee whiz. 312 00:13:11,566 --> 00:13:13,480 Hey, Lois, is theair conditioning on? 313 00:13:13,485 --> 00:13:15,553 I just woke up from anap and I feel drafty. 314 00:13:15,657 --> 00:13:17,481 Peter, we don't haveair conditioning 315 00:13:17,526 --> 00:13:19,410 Well, that'sawful peculiar. 316 00:13:19,497 --> 00:13:21,930 Oh, my God. Peter, look. 317 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:24,403 Oh, damn it, Dylan.What the hell? 318 00:13:24,478 --> 00:13:26,381 llthk dI'm full of Play-Doh. 319 00:13:32,336 --> 00:13:33,361 The are. 320 00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:37,231 That's it. I'mtelling Brian he has to reign Dylan inonce and for all. 321 00:13:37,236 --> 00:13:38,623 Hey, where isBrian anyway? 322 00:13:46,035 --> 00:13:47,253 Oh, thanks, Lois. 323 00:13:47,257 --> 00:13:49,502 Dylan put this paperbaony ad and I could not, 324 00:13:49,545 --> 00:13:51,752 for the life of me, figure out howto get it off. 325 00:13:51,756 --> 00:13:53,151 The kid's a sociopath. 326 00:13:53,168 --> 00:13:55,253 Well, it's time yoiddown the law with him. 327 00:13:55,258 --> 00:13:56,443 I couldn't agree more. 328 00:13:56,447 --> 00:13:59,161 I am gonna kick himout of this house faster than NASA kicked 329 00:13:59,168 --> 00:14:00,701 outthe Cocoa Puffs bird. 330 00:14:00,855 --> 00:14:02,972 Okay, your physicalexam was within range. 331 00:14:02,976 --> 00:14:04,800 You aced theflight simulator. 332 00:14:04,805 --> 00:14:07,063 I guess all that's left isthe psychological screening. 333 00:14:07,245 --> 00:14:08,000 Okay. 334 00:14:08,017 --> 00:14:09,392 How do youfeel about this? 335 00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:11,502 Ah, oh, my God,Cocoa Puffs. 336 00:14:11,508 --> 00:14:12,770 No, that's not me anymore. 337 00:14:12,778 --> 00:14:14,040 I'm just here to fly, sir. 338 00:14:15,945 --> 00:14:17,420 All right, Dylan.You know what? 339 00:14:17,468 --> 00:14:20,132 This isn't working out Alrit? don't carethat I'm your father, 340 00:14:20,136 --> 00:14:21,813 and you don't care that you're my son. 341 00:14:21,825 --> 00:14:23,190 We don't have anything in common. 342 00:14:23,238 --> 00:14:25,631 I think it's best if you just get out of this house. 343 00:14:25,635 --> 00:14:27,382 Fine. I hated you anyhow. 344 00:14:27,386 --> 00:14:28,541 Get out of my way. 345 00:14:29,727 --> 00:14:31,041 - My pot! - My pot! 346 00:14:31,047 --> 00:14:32,182 - Your pot? - Your pot? 347 00:14:32,886 --> 00:14:36,081 And then in chapter 28 of my novel, 348 00:14:36,098 --> 00:14:39,331 the other pilots finally trust the Japanese 349 00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:41,771 pilot and let him, let him into... 350 00:14:43,318 --> 00:14:44,370 their group. 351 00:14:44,375 --> 00:14:46,231 Dude, that is an amazing story. 352 00:14:46,668 --> 00:14:50,753 Hey. Hey, what if, um, there were a Korean pilot? 353 00:14:50,876 --> 00:14:52,903 Yeah. Um, I'm not really looking for notes, 354 00:14:52,937 --> 00:14:55,543 but you know, Dylan, I gotta tell you something. 355 00:14:55,676 --> 00:14:58,552 I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up. 356 00:14:58,557 --> 00:15:00,531 Don't. Just, just don't. 357 00:15:00,536 --> 00:15:01,911 If-if I had known having 358 00:15:01,928 --> 00:15:03,470 a son could be like this... 359 00:15:03,478 --> 00:15:05,301 - How dare you? - I didn't know! 360 00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:07,010 You had no right, man. No right. 361 00:15:07,026 --> 00:15:09,412 - It wasn't my fault. - You weren't there for me. 362 00:15:09,417 --> 00:15:11,323 Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be? 363 00:15:14,786 --> 00:15:17,382 Shh. Shh. It's okay. 364 00:15:17,427 --> 00:15:20,263 It's okay. Look, I know I wasn't there 365 00:15:20,266 --> 00:15:22,603 for you man, for all those years, 366 00:15:22,607 --> 00:15:24,612 but...that's gonna change. 367 00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:26,470 It's gonna be different from now on. 368 00:15:26,505 --> 00:15:29,043 And I'm gonna make you into a better person, 369 00:15:29,076 --> 00:15:30,353 starting first thing tomorrow. 370 00:15:30,758 --> 00:15:31,593 Just passing through. 371 00:15:31,595 --> 00:15:33,061 See anything you like, speak up. 372 00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:40,393 Hey, there, everybody. 373 00:15:40,488 --> 00:15:42,272 Was somebody looking for a son 374 00:15:42,288 --> 00:15:43,773 with a bright new path to 375 00:15:43,778 --> 00:15:46,663 adulthood and his very, very proud Dad? 376 00:15:46,667 --> 00:15:48,903 Oh, Dylan, you got a haircut. 377 00:15:48,935 --> 00:15:50,242 Aren't you handsome? 378 00:15:50,348 --> 00:15:51,992 From now on, I plan on being 379 00:15:51,998 --> 00:15:53,581 a real father to Dylan, 380 00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,971 and together, we are gonna turn his life around. 381 00:15:55,975 --> 00:15:56,630 Right champ? 382 00:15:56,636 --> 00:15:57,801 You said it, Dad. 383 00:15:57,806 --> 00:15:59,382 All right! You ready for school? 384 00:15:59,388 --> 00:16:01,383 Yeah. Hey, can I drive today? 385 00:16:01,387 --> 00:16:03,573 Oh, this kid! He's only 13. 386 00:16:03,577 --> 00:16:05,171 I know. I was just kidding. 387 00:16:05,187 --> 00:16:09,820 Oh. We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think. 388 00:16:09,835 --> 00:16:10,532 Right? 389 00:16:11,478 --> 00:16:12,811 - Right? - Yes. 390 00:16:17,145 --> 00:16:18,663 - Bye, Mom. - Bye! 391 00:16:18,665 --> 00:16:20,890 All right, kids. Have a good day at school. 392 00:16:22,557 --> 00:16:25,302 Hey, Dylan. Have a great day at school. 393 00:16:25,407 --> 00:16:26,270 Thanks, Dad. 394 00:16:26,445 --> 00:16:27,782 Hey. Knock-knock. 395 00:16:27,786 --> 00:16:28,552 Who's there? 396 00:16:28,706 --> 00:16:29,820 You're there. 397 00:16:30,087 --> 00:16:31,772 I'll always be there, Dylan. 398 00:16:35,648 --> 00:16:37,031 Crudely painted, not-so-funny, 399 00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,061 plywood cutout folk art. 400 00:16:38,095 --> 00:16:39,431 Crudely painted, not-so-funny, 401 00:16:39,438 --> 00:16:40,421 plywood cutout folk art. 402 00:16:40,466 --> 00:16:42,013 Crudely painted, not-so-funny, 403 00:16:42,017 --> 00:16:43,170 plywood cutout folk art. 404 00:16:43,208 --> 00:16:44,200 Hi! I'm Al Harrington of 405 00:16:44,217 --> 00:16:45,382 Al Harrington's Wacky Waving 406 00:16:45,387 --> 00:16:47,123 Inflatable, Arm-Flailing Tube-Man 407 00:16:47,126 --> 00:16:48,250 Warehouse and Emporium. 408 00:16:48,267 --> 00:16:49,973 As an unwanted result of a recent lawsuit, 409 00:16:49,978 --> 00:16:50,962 I am now in possession of 410 00:16:50,965 --> 00:16:52,601 hundreds of palettes of crudely 411 00:16:52,616 --> 00:16:54,152 painted, not-so-funny plywood 412 00:16:54,185 --> 00:16:55,631 cutout folk art, and it's just 413 00:16:55,637 --> 00:16:57,183 waiting to transform your uncut, 414 00:16:57,185 --> 00:16:59,583 trash-strewn lawn into a living canvas that tells 415 00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:03,372 passers-by, "Hey, everyone, a real funny bugler lives here." 416 00:17:03,378 --> 00:17:04,792 Your neighbors will chuckle warmly, 417 00:17:04,796 --> 00:17:05,923 and motorists will slow down 418 00:17:05,936 --> 00:17:07,321 and applaud when they cast 419 00:17:07,325 --> 00:17:08,543 their eyes on such favorites as... 420 00:17:08,548 --> 00:17:10,152 Sort-of Ben and Jerry's-Looking Cow, 421 00:17:10,157 --> 00:17:12,293 Black Silhouetted Cowboy Leaning on Barn 422 00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:13,550 and everybody's favorite, 423 00:17:13,588 --> 00:17:16,012 Fat Woman Bending Over Tending to her Garden in Big, 424 00:17:16,016 --> 00:17:17,191 Polka-Dotted Bloomers. 425 00:17:17,195 --> 00:17:18,850 Most of this stuff is price to move 426 00:17:18,855 --> 00:17:21,112 and until it does, it's an enormous fire hazard, 427 00:17:21,125 --> 00:17:22,433 so please, come see me, 428 00:17:22,435 --> 00:17:23,791 on Route 2 in Weekapaug. 429 00:17:23,796 --> 00:17:26,101 Look for the Sort-of Ben and Jerry's Cow out front! 430 00:17:26,317 --> 00:17:27,902 We interrupt this program to bring 431 00:17:27,907 --> 00:17:28,830 you grim news out of 432 00:17:28,867 --> 00:17:31,092 LaGuardia airport, where a 767 has been 433 00:17:31,096 --> 00:17:32,863 forced to make a crash landing. 434 00:17:32,875 --> 00:17:35,111 Oh, man, I tell you, now that I'm a parent, 435 00:17:35,117 --> 00:17:36,940 I can't even watch stories like that. 436 00:17:37,078 --> 00:17:38,533 I just think, you know, I just think, 437 00:17:38,536 --> 00:17:40,681 "Oh, my God, what if Dylan were on that plane?" 438 00:17:40,706 --> 00:17:42,381 Oh, my God, oh, I just don't know what I would do. 439 00:17:42,396 --> 00:17:43,342 I don't know what I would do. 440 00:17:43,346 --> 00:17:44,882 Yeah, yeah, I understand. 441 00:17:44,885 --> 00:17:45,763 That'd be tough. 442 00:17:45,777 --> 00:17:47,112 Oh, oh, no. Oh, no. 443 00:17:47,146 --> 00:17:47,802 No, no. No, no, no. 444 00:17:47,806 --> 00:17:50,361 Quagmire, no. You do not understand. 445 00:17:50,398 --> 00:17:54,522 Until you have a child... Until you have a child, 446 00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:57,470 you do not understand. Okay? 447 00:17:57,608 --> 00:17:58,262 Damn it. 448 00:17:58,268 --> 00:17:59,682 It's been like this all week. 449 00:17:59,686 --> 00:18:01,751 Watch this: Hey, Brian, what would you 450 00:18:01,767 --> 00:18:03,213 do if Dylan fell out a window? 451 00:18:03,215 --> 00:18:05,603 Oh, my God. Oh, my God I don't even want to think about that. 452 00:18:05,608 --> 00:18:06,492 I don't even want to think about that. 453 00:18:06,535 --> 00:18:08,562 Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no. 454 00:18:08,566 --> 00:18:10,322 Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire? 455 00:18:10,325 --> 00:18:12,700 Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's... 456 00:18:12,747 --> 00:18:13,782 Oh, God. Oh, no, no,no. 457 00:18:13,817 --> 00:18:15,002 Knock on wood. Knock on wood, Knock on wood. 458 00:18:15,007 --> 00:18:16,511 Oh, I can't hear any more of this. 459 00:18:17,757 --> 00:18:20,282 Peter, your dog is giving me diabetes. 460 00:18:20,318 --> 00:18:21,770 Oh, boy, you're not kidding. 461 00:18:21,806 --> 00:18:23,841 I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's 462 00:18:23,855 --> 00:18:25,561 had never even told him he had a kid. 463 00:18:25,566 --> 00:18:26,500 Well, wait a minute, Peter. 464 00:18:26,508 --> 00:18:27,552 Maybe that's the answer. 465 00:18:27,557 --> 00:18:29,460 You just gotta get his mother take him back. 466 00:18:29,465 --> 00:18:31,070 How the hell am I supposed to do that? 467 00:18:31,088 --> 00:18:32,593 She's an idiot redneck, Peter. 468 00:18:32,638 --> 00:18:34,392 Tricking her should be easier than 469 00:18:34,395 --> 00:18:36,050 escaping from Canadian Alcatraz. 470 00:18:37,067 --> 00:18:38,293 Can I go through here? 471 00:18:38,306 --> 00:18:39,790 Just be back by bedtime. 472 00:18:39,796 --> 00:18:40,560 Okay. 473 00:18:45,285 --> 00:18:46,890 Lunch is ready, everyone. 474 00:18:47,608 --> 00:18:49,081 Whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa. Lois, Lois. 475 00:18:49,126 --> 00:18:50,300 This is, this is white bread. 476 00:18:50,306 --> 00:18:51,121 Yeah. So? 477 00:18:51,126 --> 00:18:53,111 Well, don't we have any of that whole-grain stuff? 478 00:18:53,115 --> 00:18:54,451 No. This was cheaper. 479 00:18:54,458 --> 00:18:57,242 I just, I just, I don't want Dylan eating white bread. 480 00:18:57,247 --> 00:18:59,891 Brian, there's nothing wrong with it. 481 00:18:59,926 --> 00:19:01,441 Lois, Lois, I do not want 482 00:19:01,447 --> 00:19:02,953 Dylan eating white bread. 483 00:19:02,958 --> 00:19:04,681 Brian, I promise you, it's fine. 484 00:19:04,687 --> 00:19:08,570 Lois. Lois, Lois I will decide what is best for my child, all right? 485 00:19:08,575 --> 00:19:09,892 Look, will you take it easy? 486 00:19:09,896 --> 00:19:11,713 And, and, I do not want to have 487 00:19:11,716 --> 00:19:13,893 this conversation in front of my son. 488 00:19:13,896 --> 00:19:15,980 Okay, you know what? That's it, Brian. 489 00:19:15,986 --> 00:19:17,213 Feed him whatever you want. 490 00:19:17,217 --> 00:19:18,230 Tell, tell you what. 491 00:19:18,236 --> 00:19:19,563 Go up to my jewelry box, 492 00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:20,723 take my gold jewelry. 493 00:19:20,725 --> 00:19:22,550 Melt it down. Make it into bread 494 00:19:22,558 --> 00:19:23,502 and feed him that. 495 00:19:23,507 --> 00:19:24,450 That good enough? 496 00:19:24,455 --> 00:19:26,672 Gold bread good enough for your Dylan?! 497 00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:28,661 Hey, everybody! 498 00:19:28,666 --> 00:19:30,960 Look at who's back to pick up her son. 499 00:19:30,965 --> 00:19:32,863 This isn't The Price is Right. 500 00:19:32,876 --> 00:19:35,453 You said we were going to The Price is Right. 501 00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:36,772 Peter. What the hell is this? 502 00:19:36,775 --> 00:19:38,352 Mom. What are you doing here? 503 00:19:38,396 --> 00:19:39,930 Tracy wants Dylan back. 504 00:19:39,978 --> 00:19:41,711 Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy? 505 00:19:42,795 --> 00:19:44,780 What a joyous family reunion. 506 00:19:44,786 --> 00:19:46,100 Isn't this great, Brian? 507 00:19:46,117 --> 00:19:47,781 Now Dylan can go back with his mom, 508 00:19:47,788 --> 00:19:49,123 and you can stop acting like 509 00:19:49,126 --> 00:19:50,132 such a jackass. 510 00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:51,902 So that's what this is all about, huh? 511 00:19:51,905 --> 00:19:54,030 I must say, you have been a little 512 00:19:54,036 --> 00:19:55,732 insufferable lately, Brian. 513 00:19:55,735 --> 00:19:57,911 We just want the old you back, that's all. 514 00:19:57,916 --> 00:19:59,623 Look. All right. Okay, maybe I have 515 00:19:59,627 --> 00:20:01,651 been acting different lately, all right? 516 00:20:01,855 --> 00:20:03,263 But that's only because I've truly 517 00:20:03,268 --> 00:20:04,460 connected with the one bit of 518 00:20:04,467 --> 00:20:07,253 flesh and blood that I have on this earth. 519 00:20:07,257 --> 00:20:09,710 And I have no intention of giving that up. 520 00:20:10,658 --> 00:20:12,290 Who wants a half-and-half? 521 00:20:12,297 --> 00:20:13,841 Oh, I'll throw my hat into that ring. 522 00:20:13,886 --> 00:20:14,982 Wait a minute, Dad. 523 00:20:15,186 --> 00:20:17,091 I think maybe I should go with her. 524 00:20:17,137 --> 00:20:19,261 What? Dylan, why? 525 00:20:19,266 --> 00:20:21,192 Look at her. She needs me- 526 00:20:21,395 --> 00:20:22,761 a lot more than you do. 527 00:20:22,768 --> 00:20:25,703 But we were just starting to make a real connection. 528 00:20:25,705 --> 00:20:26,131 Listen. 529 00:20:26,175 --> 00:20:28,082 I'll always be grateful to you for 530 00:20:28,086 --> 00:20:29,600 turning my life around, but 531 00:20:29,608 --> 00:20:31,273 now, thanks to you, I finally 532 00:20:31,275 --> 00:20:32,773 have a chance to transform 533 00:20:32,816 --> 00:20:34,630 my mom's life in the same way 534 00:20:34,636 --> 00:20:35,951 you transformed mine. 535 00:20:37,725 --> 00:20:39,600 You know, I guess a dad couldn't 536 00:20:39,608 --> 00:20:40,950 ask for more than that. 537 00:20:41,578 --> 00:20:43,010 I'm proud of you, Dylan. 538 00:20:43,686 --> 00:20:44,952 My life will never be the 539 00:20:44,958 --> 00:20:46,021 same for knowing you. 540 00:20:46,555 --> 00:20:47,893 Good-bye and... 541 00:20:48,516 --> 00:20:49,440 good luck. 542 00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:50,531 Good-bye, Dad. 543 00:20:52,958 --> 00:20:54,773 Come on, Mom. Let's go. 544 00:20:56,165 --> 00:20:57,322 Bye. Thanks for coming. 545 00:21:01,575 --> 00:21:03,083 I'm gonna miss that boy. 546 00:21:04,826 --> 00:21:06,651 You know, I just finally figured it out. 547 00:21:06,657 --> 00:21:09,090 She looks like a really hot Tim Russert. 548 00:21:09,538 --> 00:21:10,173 Right? 549 00:21:10,748 --> 00:21:12,270 - Right? - Yes.