...:::: SiliconChip ::::...
Toc Toc [2017]
25! You old girl!
I could slap you... And when you're 35?
And 43?
And 50 like me, what then?
Give me a kiss, old girl.
Congratulations!
It's 5 o'clock and it's the new girl's birthday.
No "happy birthday" for me? C'm0n, I'm buying drinks.
I have to finish some samples.
Of Ebola?
Aren't you baking in all that?
You go ahead.
Okay.
- Happy birthday. - Thanks.
- Ciao. - Alright, Blanca...
I knew I forgot something.
Did you pick them up or not?
Here they are.
Don't you see it, Ana Maria?
Close it up or they go soft!
They took everything: computers,
pressure cooker... even an ancient epilator.
You know how they got in? Through a window.
She made him a romantic dinner, the house full of candles.
They drank too much, got all giggly,
and fell asleep.
Five fire trucks. Five!
Look, bus 9 again.
I've come across bus 9 9 times now. Weird, huh?
Move it!
You know what I read in the paper this morning?
You know how many sperm cells a man releases with each ejaculation?
Around 60 million... per milliliter!
Cut it out. I don't care.
Fuck, the 9 again. That's 1O times today.
You're my third woman today. The first had chestnut hair.
And she was the prettiest this month.
The rest were men, five to be exact.
Fine, fine.
Maybe we'll even the odds.
"Even the odds", she says...
So if each ejaculation is 2 to 5 milliliters...
Look, a green Mini again.
I've seen three today. That's not normal, no way.
The green Mini or the sperm?
How many ejaculations have you had in your life? Just imagine.
No idea. I've been married 66 years.
- Just get me to my destination. - What does that come to?
120 to 300 million sperm cells.
And just for one to hit the spot. Imagine the genocide
when you "relieve yourself'.
Look...
the light's red, so let me out here. You don't mind?
- No, why would I mind? - Good.
Look, another 9. And a green Mini behind it!
Fuck, this is crazy.
See you.
'Bye.
And your change?
Let's go, okay? Let's go, okay?
Up, down! Up, down!
Give it to me! Give it to me!
I want a positive attitude. I want a positive attitude.
Little! Little!
She's the best.
In her classes you sweat three times as much and burn tons of calories.
Can you handle it?
I love challenges.
Very sexy!
Color in from 0 to 10
your level of satisfaction in each of these areas.
If you feel frustrated at work,
only color in up to 1 or 2.
If you feel happy and fulfilled at work,
color in up to 10. The same with love.
I don't know how many courses like this I've done.
I've spent a fortune.
Self-awareness isn't covered by Social Security.
You know what I think?
There are no answers to our behavior.
Accepting yourself is the key.
But accepting yourself can be tricky.
Whores.
Hey, don't leave me here! I'm going to Getafe!
...8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13,14,15,16,
17, 18, 19, 20.
21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27...
Good afternoon.
- Drink up. - Thanks.
5 floors, 75 stairs,
a gap of 15-16 meters, roughly,
and I did it in 1 minute, 10 seconds.
Not bad for my age.
Your calculation is off.
Impossible.
You think you're the first?
Aurora Garrido counted 70. Teodoro Sanlucar, 78,
Pilar Maldonado, 81. Shall I go on?
81? What?
I won't argue, I don't need it.
I should've stuck to Vet Science.
DIETARY BEHAVIOR, COUPLE THERAPY...
Bless you.
...14,15,16,17,18,19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25...
-...26, 27, 28... - Good afternoon.
Sorry.
...29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34...
...35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40...
PSYCHOLOGY CLINIC, GET TO KNOW YOURSELF
- Good afternoon. - Doctor?
Silly me! Only Dr. Palomero is in session this afternoon. Name?
Blanca Ruiz-Pérez.
Hello. Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
You never know who's been sitting here.
Not me, that's for sure. Why?
CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST
I'll lick your pussy.
Gimme that ass.
Excuse me...
Yes?
Did you say something?
"Good afternoon."
Good afternoon.
Excuse me, when is your appointment?
At 4230.
The same time as mine.
- With Palomero? - Palomero, yes.
Fuckng bitch!
- I heard that. I'm not deaf. - No, no...
- Save that for somebody else! - Miss, please...
- Where's the bathroom? - I'll suck your tits!
- No, no, no! - Miss...
Miss, don't be scared.
Don't touch me!
- Listen, miss... - Don't touch me!
Listen!
Help!
I won't hurt you.
- Let me explain... - Help!
Help!
I'm not doing it on purpose. Please...
- Please. - Don't touch me!
Calm down or we'll be like this all afternoon. Slut!
I'm not a slut! You're out of control!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- Bitch! - Cut it out!
There are 75, there's no disputing it.
Excuse me, will you call the police? Thanks.
Yes. Can you give me a second?
There's some kind of evil ventriloquist in there.
Look, look! Look how he's pushing!
He went nuts because our appointments are the same time.
What time's your appointment?
4:30!
- Mine's at 4:30 too. - Is that my fault?
Relax, I didn't say anything.
- And the hostess? - What hostess?
What's-her-face over there.
Will you knock it off?
Call them!
Why would I call the police?
I'm a taxi driver, an expert in conflict resolution.
Let me handle it.
- I don't have a weird disease. - Then what are you doing here?
- What? - What?
Did you get up in a bad mood?
Sorry, miss, I told you, I don't do it on purpose.
- You were pushing the door. - You wouldn't listen to me.
She wouldn't listen to you. Same as my wife. Well, ex-wife.
I shout insults and obscenities at people without wanting to.
Tourette's Syndrome the specialists call it.
- Are you shitting me? - No, I swear it's true.
Fuck off! See? It just comes out.
Now you mention it, I think I saw it in a documentary.
I've had it since I was 11. I've been to so many specialists...
Asshole! Sorry.
No, no, relax.
I'm in the middle of an attack.
Sorry if I freaked out.
I never imagined you were...
No, it happens to me a lot. There's no cure,
but I'm told that Dr. Palomero can reduce the attacks.
What's going on here?
The bathroom, please?
The bathroom? What for?
- Do I have to explain? - What does that say?
-"Bathrooms". - Then why ask?
- Use the men's, the other's busted. - No way I'm going in there.
I'll just... freshen up.
Miss, we have a problem.
This isn't group therapy, is it?
No, you have separate times.
Then why are the three of us here?
I've waited 13.5 months for this appointment.
410 days.
9,840 hours, which makes...
590,400 minutes. This sucks.
There's a long waiting list.
I'm thinking of opening my own clinic. People are more and more...
Disoriented.
Exactly! It's the business of the future.
Sorry, can I ask a question?
Is it true that Dr. Palomero
never sees the same patient twice?
They say he's a philanthropist,
Rockefeller-style, never charges his patients.
I'm sorry, I'm not authorized to discuss his methods.
Ffff... iddlesticks!
Let it out.
Don't repress it, you'll feel much better.
Have you got the same syndrome as this gentleman?
I suffer from "9 to 5 syndrome".
Go into the waiting room and wait!
Federico, my name's Federico.
- Emilio. Nice to meet you. - Same here.
I have a question. What about at night?
- At night what? - Do you do it then too?
No, at night I'm asleep and terribly polite.
Excuse me for prying, but...
have you ever wondered, out of curiosity,
what your average is?
- Average what? - How old are you?
- Sixty. - You look like a young lad.
- Thanks. - You've had it since you were 11?
Yes. Where is this going?
In 5 minutes, you've had 6 spasms,
which means 72 an hour. If we multiply that by 16...
- I won't count 8 hours sleep. - No, not 8.
I get by on 5, I'm an early riser.
Then it comes to...
a total of 1,368 insults a day.
- Roughly. - That many?
I haven't finished.
Right, 1,368 times 365,
499,320.
Impressive.
I'll finish.
499,320 times 49,
the years since you began, makes a total of...
24,466,680,
insults or obscene gestures.
Roughly, or...?
No, not roughly. Exactly.
You're really... An asshole! Sorry, sorry...
A genius, I meant to say.
You're a genius.
Boss, you got no problem with me, really.
I've... got it.
You should go on TV.
There's no need to ask what brings you here.
Good afternoon.
Dr. Palomero too, huh?
Looks like we have to wait.
You didn't bring any cards so we can have a game?
Excuse me...
There's no paper.
And I think someone was smoking in the bathroom.
Disgraceful! It's a no-smoking building!
It wasn't me.
Do you know the health risk to passive smokers includes,
apart from lung cancer, cancer of...
WHO AM I?
...the paranasal sinuses, respiratory infections
and multiple heart diseases?
Horrible.
I have to put it in?
I'm very busy.
The computer app has a life of its own.
It gave everyone the same time.
It wasn't my fault. It's competing with me.
Good afternoon. Is this Dr. Palomino's office?
Palomero, lady!
And what did I say?
Is it me or did someone leave a tap on?
Numerical obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Arithmomania, that's your thing.
I've been seeing doctors so long,
I've got a huge file on these diseases.
So, what am I?
An arithmomaniac,
someone who can't stop counting.
- So mine's got a name? - Sure.
How about that?
Get me the IT guy!
No! Now!
But Miss...
Tiffany.
- But Miss Tiffany's... - That's the jeweler's.
- I was about to say that. Thanks. - Dr. Palo... or whatever...
- Is he in yet? - No, not yet.
Ramiro, the super-mega app you foisted on us to solve
our appointment problems
is a piece of shit.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
Go to the waiting room and wait. Thanks a lot.
No, I told you to uninstall the app.
I think this woman is incapable of doing a job like this.
Very curt.
With all the qualified girls out of a job. Explain that to me.
- People are awful. - Are you listening, Ramiro?
They say the electromagnetic waves from cellphones
are making us all a bit crazy.
I have to go to the bathroom.
- Cystitis. - Don't hold it in, that's worse.
CONTACT WITH THE OTHER SIDE
- Good afternoon. - Good afternoon.
Good afternoon.
Can you control yourself?
Done.
Hey, let me out! I'm freaking out!
I've got claustrophobia!
Honey!
Do you have an appointment with Dr. Palo... Alto, sweetie?
Yes, yes.
Palomero, Palomero.
How many people is he seeing today?
Whore! Slut! Gutter slut! Fucking hussy!
- Jesus! What is this? - Prick-teaser!
Sorry, madam, forgive me.
Are you insane? Are you drunk?
Don't be offended.
My friend has a tiny problem.
He swears and makes obscene gestures unintentionally.
- Suck my cock! - For God's sake!
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
No, Federico, no. Don't apologize again.
Lady, you have to understand the situation.
He's sick, he doesn't do it on purpose.
Whore! Filthy tramp! Cock-teaser!
- Yes, deal with it. - It's awful!
Again? He's not doing it on purpose!
- Neither am I. - What?
I'm not doing it on purpose.
Seriously?
It's a real circus in here.
Slut!
I don't know about you, but I'm starting to feel uneasy.
This time no apologies.
That's the way, Federico.
- Excuse me, is that a Bible? - The what?
The book. Is it a Bible?
Ah, yes.
- Do you want it? - Yes, please.
Thank you, dear.
- Good afternoon... - Excuse me.
You don't have another roll?
I'll buy it.
- Just what I needed. - Here's the doctor.
- You have an appointment too? - Yes, at...
4:30, but I'm a bit late.
27 minutes and 41 seconds, to be exact.
- Is that bad? - No, it's just so you know.
Oh, awesome.
Relax, there's a queue.
We should turn off the light or we'll attract more weirdos.
I left the light on! Silly me!
- And the gas! - The gas too?
I think so, maybe, I don't know. Lord help me, I'm going.
How many people before me?
- You're fifth. - Excuse me.
That man's before me and the girl.
I'm second.
No, no, I got here before you.
No. No, I got here second,
I just went to the bathroom.
No, no, I got here before you.
- Am I lying? - You're lying.
I got here before you. I just had to do a routine check,
so I'm second and Federico...
Fedeflco.
- That's me. - He was first. Ask the hostess.
What hostess?
To avoid arguments,
I can let you go first. I'm in no hurry.
Very kind. Thank you, sir.
- I told you he was a good man. - Jerk me off!
- Jesus, Mary and Joseph! - He's still a good man.
And you? Are you going to stand there all afternoon?
It's like they do it to annoy me.
- What? - They follow me.
- Who does? - The lines.
I never walk on lines and it's full of them here.
Oh, so that's your thing, eh?
Well, here...
you've got... 17.
If you like... It'll give you a shortcut.
Oh, terrific.
- Sorry. - This is highly unhygienic!
Things are livening up!
I'm sending her the water bill.
Fuck, what a star!
Champ, want a glass of water?
Yes, thanks. Awesome.
Excuse me again.
You don't have a bactericide?
A micro-bactericide?
No.
- Fungicide? - No!
Alcohol?
I can't see anything. Sure it's not in your bag?
Thoroughly. Absolutely.
They have to be here. I picked them up.
I might be locked out. Good God!
I picked them up.
Oh, Lord!
Oh, my God!
Did you see the maniac?
Well, my wife...
- Ex. - She was the same.
When we ate out, it was a miracle she didn't clean the kitchen.
And this one has soap for dessert.
I wonder how many bars of soap she uses a year.
Maybe 175 or 215.
"Cleansing rituals" they're called. I'll try to find
the specific term.
Does she keep packets?
My God! Here they are!
You had us going there!
But if someone rings my doorbell with the gas on,
something awful will happen.
Look, lady, you're going to drive us all crazy.
Did you or did you not check that you turned the gas off?
Several times. I'm a responsible Spanish citizen.
- How many times exactly? - I don't remember.
- More than ten. - A lot more.
How many? Roughly.
35 at least.
Relax, then, there's no danger. Believe me.
Right, are you listening?
Ass whore!
Sorry, my friend has a problem.
Did I ask for an explanation?
Since I've worked here, I see, hear and shut up. I'm immune to it.
Don't get mad at me.
I apologize for the IT error in the clinic today.
I tried to handle the doctor's appointments with my Excel,
but they sold us on updating the technology.
This new software does what it wants,
but my Excel did what I wanted it to.
Total war on progress.
We lose a lot of fares with this car-sharing shit.
These days you can't have a normal conversation,
everyone gazing at their phones. I don't get it.
What are they looking for?
To get away from things, maybe?
I can't get in touch with Dr. Palomero either.
His flight from London was delayed because of Hurricane Demetrius.
- Oh, he's coming from there. - Sure, he's a worldwide authority.
The news says that Demetrius is abating.
Praise the Lord! Are there many victims?
Look, there are magazines, books, even games.
- What are you doing with them? - Ordering them by date and genre:
gossip, health, psychology, cars, the supernatural... Is that bad?
Have you ever considered getting in on a time share?
I can tell you all about it.
Just what we needed!
That'll be him on the phone. I'll keep you informed.
- Why don't you introduce yourselves? - Miss,
this isn't group therapy, is it?
Thanks a lot.
Is it me or is that girl incredibly irritating?
What a relief. I thought it was just me.
This is a disgrace.
If he sees us one by one
-we'll be here all afternoon. - And all night.
With my taps running my bills will be sky high.
- Shall I calculate the expense? - No!
"No!
Do you mind if I open it?
What for?
Six people in one room,
with so much flu, bronchitis, pharyngitis, laryngitis, to say the least,
-is not every healthy. - It's not exactly warm,
so you'll make us all sick.
Two minutes and I'll shut it.
Asshole!
Thanks.
- Jesus! He never lets up. - He's held on for some time.
- Looking for something? - No, no, I'm giving
harmony to the whole. Isn't anyone annoyed by disorder?
I'm annoyed that they're taking us for idiots.
Where's the disorder?
It's not symmetrical.
This takes the cake.
What's your problem with group therapy?
I don't like them. I don't like group therapies.
They always laughed at me,
and the older I get, the less I can handle it.
Personally, I'm not here to laugh at anyone.
Neither am I. I assure you.
See, Federico? Relax.
I've done lots of group therapy and no one made fun of anyone.
- Why don't we do what the girl said? - What?
Introduce ourselves.
Go on then. Who starts?
Go on.
My name's Otto.
-"Oto". - Otto.
Ilotoll-
O-T-T-O.
Get it?
Get what?
It's symmetrical. My name's really Manolo,
but it's what my family and close friends call me.
- Tell me something. - Yes?
I'm kind of confused.
I don't understand
how someone like you...
You have a brain, right?
And you do sport, right?
Me? Sport?
It's genetic. Gee, that's lucky.
How can someone with such great genes be unlucky in love?
Sorry.
I can't find it, as usual. I can never find anything.
It's there, it's just a big bag.
Sorry.
I got a tip-off that the scanner at an optician's was broken.
I'm selling these for 2O euros. Want one?
My boss.
Hello, Nuri.
The signal's bad here. Hold on.
Yes, coming.
I have to work tonight.
I don't know if I told you, but...
Sorry, I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back.
I won't be a sec.
I've had OCD since adolescence.
You've got what?
OCD. It stands for:
obsessive compulsive disorder.
OCD, OCD.
Unfortunately, it's what we all suffer from here.
Excuse me, I don't have that.
I'm here to pick up some prescriptions for a sick friend
who couldn't come herself.
Sorry, can you close the window? We're all going to get pneumonia.
No, on the contrary, that's how you get rid of microbes.
Alright, from now on
no more interruptions, okay?
- Dickhead! - Well, apart from Federico,
-who can't help it. - What's the sense in that?
This way we break the ice before the doctor comes.
No! I'm not interested in anyone's life or people finding out about mine.
And if this is a con to sell us time-shares,
we're in big trouble.
A niece of mine in the Canary Islands got conned with all of that.
Fine, one less. Go on, Otto.
Awesome. My main OCD
is that I can't tread on lines
and I'm obsessed with order and symmetry.
- And you are...? - Otto.
Oh, and I'm a draftsman.
It's a bit absurd, but... I also live with my mother.
- Is that an OCD thing too? - No, it's a consequence.
My longest relationship with a woman was...
three days.
They don't understand it.
And...
do you realize how often you say...
the word..."awesome"?
Really? I don't think so. Really? I don't think so.
Yes. "Awesome, awesome".
"Awesome"? Are you sure?
- Awesome, awesome. - Is that OCD too?
No. It's more like... a lack of conversation.
Can I make a suggestion?
You see... a psychologist
told me once that the color we choose
has a lot to do with...
our general mood.
For example, if you're...
depressive, your color's black,
but if you're an optimist, what would your color be?
Pink?
That's stupid!
Did you read that in the Bible?
I've got it! My color is green.
Green! Awesome. Why?
- He rubbed off on you. - What?
It's the middle color in a rainbow.
There's red, orange and yellow on one side,
blue, indigo and violet on the other... And in the middle?
Green.
And that isn't stupid? Explain that to me.
What, lady, what do you want explained to you?
The meaning of life, for example! Why are we born where we're born?
Do we choose it or is it "barbitary"?
I don't understand!
Arbitrary, arbitrary.
- What did I say? - Ask...
that invisible friend you talk to all the time.
What invisible friend? I only talk to the Lord.
That's right: "Lord invisible".
I'm leaving!
You're rude, you know that? There's no respect in this country,
no foundations.
I just remembered, I need to buy a lettuce dryer,
-one that works. - Don't buy it at the Chinese store.
- Where else then? - A hardware store, maybe.
Relax, Ana Maria, they're teasing you.
I'm relaxed, I don't know what you mean.
Why? Tell me!
Then lighten up, lady.
Is that blond hair real
or is it dyed?
Another one! Something offended her.
And she tells me to relax!
Explain that to me.
I always wanted to be a lawyer,
but with this symptom,
imagine the judge's face if I had an attack in court.
"Your Honor, with all due respect..."
Sorry.
Sorry, I'm a real joker. Sorry. I can't help it.
You'll get to know me...
So here in Spain
I decided to devote myself to something...
I could do at home,
so I started selling birds.
Whore.
Shut up!
All the parrots I sold got returned,
they said they were too rude.
What could I do?
Quiet!
I couldn't keep them.
And... you're not married?
No. I got close...
once: Esmeralda.
But I guess she was scared that instead of saying "I do"
to the priest,
I'd say something inappropriate.
Naturally. Poor girl.
Poor me.
Federico, what's your color?
Oh, the color!
Don't forget that, it's so important to know.
Butt out. You do your praying and pray for us.
- That's what I'm doing. - My color. Hope.
- What color is that? -Isn't that a song?
It can be a color too,
Federico's using poetic license.
What color is it?
She was the only color in my life,
and I lost her.
Cheer up, "hops spring eternal".
Hope.
- Hope. - What did I say?
Isn't it a great idea?
Of course the apartment's yours, but only for two weeks a year.
Imagine the savings in bills.
Yes, the 1:30 London-Madrid flight.
You don't know if it's left?
Is it lost in the Channel?
Well, if you don't know...
With the qualified girls out of a job...
Thanks a lot!
Your turn.
No, not yet! I'm not ready!
- Are you still here? - I still am.
But relax, I'm going now and won't be back... ever.
- Then don't come back. - No way I'm coming back.
- What did I ever do to you? - And what did I ever do to you?
- What did you do? - Yes, what did I do?
It's what you haven't done. Who knows what you did?
And what you did doesn't count?
What did I do? What did I do?
This! This is what you did to me.
Why can't you be like other people?
I've got an appointment with that Dr. Palomero tomorrow.
They say he's world-class specialist.
- About time! - What do you want?
I've been waiting 13.5 months for this appointment.
410 days.
9,840 hours,
which makes... 590,400 minutes,
or 35,424,000 seconds.
Shall I help you?
If you're not sure of what my name is,
it's right here: E-MIL-I-O.
Get it? It's from some buddies...
They gave me this as... a joke.
I'm a taxi driver, I'm 37,
and my color is red and white.
- That's not one color, it's two. - Hey, lady,
don't mess with Atleti...
don't mess with Atleti,
I'll lose my cool.
I suppose you've realized,
but my problem is that I'm a calculator,
in the sense that I like to calculate everything.
But maybe your defect, if it is one,
makes you someone brilliant.
Hold on, hold on...
How many days is 25 years?
9,131.
Counting leap years.
But that's...
- Good, good. - And how many minutes?
13,148,640.
See that?
No hesitation. Like I say, he's a genius.
We should check it. How do we know he's not lying?
- Check it, check it. - I don't have a calculator.
I do.
There's something else: My wife...
-"ex", ex-wife... - I do.
...says I've got "hoarding disorder".
Your wife, poor woman.
She's earned a place in heaven putting up with you!
- Thanks, very nice. - I've heard of that.
- What do you collect? - Things...
You never know when you might need them.
Appliance parts... I'll leave them here.
...plastic bags, computers, bicycles,
-bingo cards. - Bingo cards?
...lottery tickets...
Lottery tickets?
Some of them have fascinating numbers.
For me it was a hobby, for her...
Hell.
- Is it that weird? - No, I'm notjudging you.
No, sorry. We're all in the same boat here.
You're not getting away, Snow White. Your turn.
Motherfucker!
My name's Blanca, I'm a lab technician and I'm...
25...
30...
35.
My OCD has to do with
the panic I have about microbes, bacteria,
fungi, mites, viruses...
all that kind of thing.
Since forever.
I think I should be worried, right?
They say I externalize too much,
but when you hear what you hear and read what you read...
Miss Blanca? Again? We'll have to talk to the union.
Ah, and my color is white.
It's just a coincidence. It's just a coincidence.
Sometimes cleaning takes up so much of my day, I barely have...
time to live life.
What a relief... taking off the masks.
Do think we didn't figure you out?
Very few people around me know.
This is about opening up, isn't it?
I ended up isolating myself from the world.
I know what that's like.
So do I.
I bet the lady on the couch too.
- So do I. - The lady has a mouth.
I understand you, honey.
- No, no, not me! - Yes, yes, you.
- No, no, not me! - Yes, yes, you. You.
This is like a workout.
We'll have to do this in front of the doctor too.
- I'm suffocating! - Good, I'll open the window.
What a fixation!
My name's Lili,
short for Liliana, and...
something happens in my head
that makes me repeat everything.
What it's like exactly?
My name's Lili, short for Liliana,
and something happens in my head that makes me repeat everything.
It's true.
Well, mystery solved.
Another one!
Does it always happen?
Always, always?
Almost always.
You must be a big hit at home.
Always, always?
- Almost always. - Lady, we said no making fun.
Then you do the same.
Sometimes I repeat the last syllables
of what other people say.
And it's always happened?
Again? Always, always?
Almost always.
I mean since when.
Again? Always, always. Almost always.
Sometimes I repeat the last syllables of what other people say.
No, since my father died.
- What if you don't repeat it? - No,
since my father died.
I'm afraid of dying.
Big, big!
Little, little!
Hold on, Marcial.
Marcial? Hold on, Marcial. Marcial?
Big! Marcial, hold on. Big!
Marcial, hold on.
Marcial. Marcial, please, hold on.
Marcial, please, hold on.
March“. Marcia“.!
Relax, it's my fault. I only had juice for breakfast.
It's aweso... extraordinary.
You know that repeating everything is the height of symmetry.
Thanks, that cheers me up.
- And your color? - Grey, grey.
I thought it'd bring me luck.
Really? Why?
Grey, grey. I thought it'd bring me luck.
Why? Why?
The "gris-gris" is an African good luck amulet.
- You didn't know? - No, I didn't.
The "gris-gris" is an African good luck amulet.
- You didn't know? - No, I didn't.
I don't want to be negative, but you have a phone problem too.
- That's all I'll say. - And you with dyslexia.
- What? - And you with dyslexia.
Where's a socket? Where's a socket?
Can we cut out the "air knitting"?
Your turn. You up for it?
You pest. I told you I'm here because a friend couldn't come.
I think I know this friend
and you're as similar two drops of water.
The water! God, I have to go.
No, no, don't be scared No, don't be scared.
We've all done it.
Alright, I won't go yet.
Holy Virgin,
most immaculate,
most tender mother,
mighty aid to all Christians,
give me strength.
Look, she's talking to her invisible friend now.
You think I'm so serious, but I'm very modern.
I even went to a Beatles concert.
Don't give the ball, eh?
I feel more secure with my Bible.
We agreed not to make fun.
Don't worry, I'll make sure that no one laughs.
I meant you specifically.
My name is Ana Maria Virginia
Galindo de la Mata and I'm... well...
I'm ageless.
I'm a Sagittarius, for what it's worth, but there it is.
And my color is... blue.
But not a normal blue,
a deep blue, a...
sky blue. I don't know if I'm explaining this right.
I'm here because I have a mania for checking everything,
again and again, again and again and again.
My God! My keys, I've lost them!
Every time I leave home, I check everything over and over:
if I've turned off the gas, the electricity,
the water, the cookie jar...
Here they are. Thank you, Lord.
"Verification 0CD", a classic.
"A classic", he says.
I've read it's quite curable.
I hope it's curable
because as this girl said before,
I don't have a life either.
About time! They just left. They didn't leave a crumb.
My girlfriends never call me to have chocolate anymore.
- I never arrive on time. - You see?
You let it out. You'd drown in a glass of water.
Will stop mentioning water? I want to run out
-and check I turned the tap off. - On the bidet?
Will someone put a muzzle on him?
He never shuts up!
And... this...
- Is that OCD as well? - I don't know, maybe,
I've never thought about it. There it is,
I can't control it.
That's because...
they say our brain is like a computer
and if incorrect data is put in,
it has to be re-programmed.
That's why I'm here, to be re-programmed.
You must think I'm crazy.
No.
On that count, we'd all be nuts.
But having a problem doesn't mean we're crazy.
You can rest easy.
But it doesn't end there.
I also have...
...strange thoughts.
Should we be scared?
Ideas that go through my head.
Always the same ones,
always the same ones.
Open up... your heart.
No, I'd better tell the doctor alone.
Maybe your ears couldn't stand it.
But if that's what you want...
I'm mimetic, susceptible to everything I see.
If the TV says a man in Murcia shot a neighbor
because he had the TV too loud,
a thought suddenly grips me
that I could do that too.
Sorry if my verbal diarrhea bothered you before.
I'm a real joker,
you'll get to know me.
What if I told you that I went through a stage
of having those thoughts too?
Am I supposed to answer that?
They're only thoughts.
I'm sure you wouldn't hurt a fly.
I disagree! Sometimes I think I could be very, very evil,
like another person is living inside me, or two.
Or three.
I feel exactly the same.
I'm aware of my problem, but then...
another Blanca lives inside me that makes me do absurd things.
No, thinking isn't doing.
- OCD isn't madness. - No way. I'm very sane.
- It's just a little problem. - No way. I'm very sane.
- Do we feel guilty? - No, no. I mean, yes, yes.
Do we feel? Are we aware of what's happening to us?
- Yes. - Are we crazy?
Yes... I mean, no!
The healthy find it hard to understand us,
but many of them are unaware that they're worse than us.
- No? - I mean, yes.
And the receptionist?
- Are you stupid? - I mean, yes.
Hey, wise guy, don't milk it! Hey, wise guy, don't milk it!
You gave it to me on a platter. Sorry, eh?
Look, it's contagious.
I'm always...
kidding around. You can see...
that people... crack up with me.
Knock, knock! May I?
Thanks on behalf of the doctor,
he'll be so proud of your patience.
This is getting beyond a joke.
Don't get mad at me,
but I still can't locate him.
Son of a thousand bitches.
I didn't hear that. I spoke to Civil Aviation
and this very nice secretary
told me the plane's taken off, very likely with the doctor inside.
What does "very likely" mean?
- A year waiting for this! - Explain that to me.
The doctor will move heaven and earth to see you this afternoon.
But very late. I left the candles
of st. Agueda and st. Eulalia m. I'm very devoted to them.
I'm going.
This is outrageous, this is outrageous.
Don't be like that, these things happen!
What are you doing?
I'm in no hurry.
I'm staying too.
We have to think of something, the girls are going.
What else did they do in that group therapy?
The doctor's more upset than anyone about this setback!
Setback? It's a disgrace. Goodbye!
If I'm lucky I'll find a hardware store open.
If you g0,
I can't guarantee an appointment for at least a year.
I'm complaining to the College of Psychologists.
You're privileged!
Next week the doctor's going to Vancouver, Los Angeles,
then Alaska, China, Hawaii...
important patients waiting impatiently for the doctor's therapy.
- I said I'm going and I am. - So am I. So am I.
Girls.
Now we're here and getting along, I had an idea.
What idea?
Thanks a lot.
So why don't we make the group the doctor?
We don't know if Mr. Palomero will get here or not.
I'm not giving my opinion, I'm not giving my opinion.
- Where does "Canine World" go? - Third row.
- Can you repeat that? - Yes.
- I'm not giving my opinion. - I meant the young man,
-but thanks for repeating it. - Listen...
I was in one therapy
and the exercise was awesome.
My psychologist once ordered me to eat in a restaurant.
What a feat.
But... I couldn't.
I'm very cautious, I always carry a change of underwear.
Please, a little concentration.
The group focuses on one person for three minutes...
No touching, I hope.
...with the aim of unblocking the problem.
How do we solve problems we've had for years
in three minutes?
Sorry, I think this is tripe.
Shit! Dump! Crap! Turd!
Wow, nice chain!
My giddy aunt! You must sleep like a log!
If we have these problems and we can't respect each other,
we can't expect normal people to be tolerant of us.
I'll tell you one thing: the kid's not wrong.
I swear I won't tell the doctor.
Thanks a lot.
Let's get this straight. You're saying
that we all have to face our OCD
in front of the others. That it?
Exactly. We've nothing to lose, right?
Then I'll go first and be the guinea pig,
if no one minds.
- I'll go second. - Gee!
Didn't you say it was tripe?
In for a penny...
What do I have to do?
For three minutes, no insults or obscene gestures.
Sounds hard.
- Someone time it. - No problem.
- Both stop-watches are ready. - Good.
And... now!
Now?
I shit on everything that moves!
Terrific start.
- Sorry, it's the pressure. - C'mon, Federico, we're with you.
Dong! Prick!
Maybe it was a bad idea to start with me.
Bitch! Turd!
Willy! Schlong!
No, it's going well. He's filtering the nasty stuff.
- They're milder, right? - Yes.
- Walking abortion! - Forget it.
Jesus! What a filter.
That's how it is.
The tenser I am, the stronger the attack.
I only calm down when my feet are in salty water.
Be careful, I always get a cold through my feet.
I feel like I'm in an echo chamber.
- How long do I have left? -1.37 minutes.
Mind if I open the window?
- Open up your legs! - Fine, you're improving.
- If anyone saw us... - Stop giving off bad vibes!
Shit, ass, fart, pisspants.
He's giving us the whole thesaurus!
Federico, let's concentrate, yeah?
Yes. Sea bream!
Good! That's not a swear word, it's a fish!
- Now she's joining in! - Good!
That's not a swear word, it's a fish.
-15 seconds. - Still? When will this be over?
- Slut! - The finishing touch!
Damn it.
Bugger. Flip.
Time's up.
I'm hopeless, a disaster.
Federico, the last ones weren't so rude.
It's progress. It's progress.
I was thinking...
Don't be offended, Federico, but...
you know what I thought?
Did the girl in "The Exorcist" have undiagnosed Tourette's?
Is that possible?
It could be.
It could.
It could be.
Ana Maria...
Your turn.
Virgin Mary, you know my woes, I entrust them to you,
give peace to the troubled, and ease my heart.
Alright. What do I have to do?
Three minutes without checking anything.
And no crossing yourself, eh? And no crossing yourself, eh?
Exactly, no "air knitting".
Is that everything?
Do you have your house keys or not?
Of course I do.
Are you sure?
One hundred per cent... sure.
- Sure? Sure? - Have you checked?
Tons of times.
Sometimes memory plays tricks on you.
And sometimes...
we pick up the wrong keyring.
These things happen. These things happen.
And how do you get back in
if you made a mistake?
And how do you check the gas?
Or the electricity.
- Or the water. - Or the cookie jar.
Or the cookie jar.
I have them, I have them!
They're not here, they're not here!
Who took them?
You did it on purpose! It's not funny!
Relax, you've had your handbag the whole time.
I was in the bathroom before, saw some keys in the toilet
-and flushed by accident. - They weren't mine?!
I can be an evil, evil person!
- Why were you in the ladies'? - I was kidding.
- The keys haven't gone anywhere. - What were you doing in the ladies'?
I was kidding!
Ana Maria, don't be scared.
- She's having kittens! - It's a cataleptic attack!
Ana Maria, Ana Maria, Ana Maria, Ana Maria,
- Ana Maria, Ana Maria...! - Relax, she can hear you.
A glass of water, quick! Loosen her girdle.
Deep breaths... Balls!! Sorry.
- She's not wearing a girdle. - Open the window. Nuts! Sorry.
- Really? Can I? - You can.
This what we get for self-therapy.
Here they are.
Feeling better?
It's not the first time this has happened to me.
But you did very well.
You hung in there like a champ.
Thanks, dear. For a moment I thought I was a goner.
Imagine the scene!
Spasmophilia. It's not serious.
Good Lord, you have a name for everything.
Explain that to me.
- Lili, we're just testing. - Testing, testing.
No, not yet. Say this once: pica-pica.
- Pica-pica. - Very good.
- Cuscus. - Pica-pica.
- No, cuscus. - Cuscus, cuscus.
- Gloomy-gl00mY- - Gloomy-gl00mY-
Great. Yo-yo.
Tintin.
Gloomy-gloomy, yo-yo.
Hussy!
Yo-yo, Tintin, Tintin. Hussy.
Let the girl breathe, man.
- Tomtom. - Hussy?
Let the girl breathe, man. Let the girl breathe, man. Tom-tom.
- It's not working. - It's not working, it's not working.
Tom-tom.
Are you trying not to repeat it? - What do you think?
- Poor thing. - What do you think?
Okay, sorry, I'll make it easy.
To what group did the singer Marta Sénchez belong
before starting her solo career.
- I know. - Me too. "Olé Olé".
No, HOIé Oléul.
- Me too. "Olé Olé". - That's not a group, lady.
- What? -"Olé Olé" doesn't exist.
- Not now. It existed. - Well...
Marta Sanchez. I can't place her. Dark hair, prominent brow?
- No, she's blond. - What singer is that?
- No, I have chestnut hair.
I knew it!
No, she's blond. What singer is that?
No, I've got chestnut hair. What singer?
- Prominent brow doesn't ring a bell. - She means Ménica Naranjo.
We're getting mixed up. Let's get back to the exercise.
Okay, I'll go. What do you call the girl that dances in a disco?
Ballerina. That's obvious!
Gogo, 9090, 9090--
Don't worry, crying helps you to vent. We're with you.
Lili, you're going to overcome it.
Sooner or later, you're going to overcome it.
Thank you,
really. I'm touched that you're so attentive,
but my problem's beyond repair.
Though none of us have done very well.
But I'll keep supporting the group and I'm sure you all agree.
If it only works on one person? Well, it would've been worth it,
because I'd be proud of having helped someone win
their personal battle.
It'd not only give a person confidence,
it'd give the whole group hope.
In summer I miss winter clothes,
and in winter, summer clothes.
I'm a monitor for "body power" and "salsa choke".
My classes are full. There's some advantage to OCD.
They repeat the routines so much, they sweat like mad.
My squats are killers, there's a waiting list.
Thanks, really.
I'm touched that you're so attentive, but my problem's beyond repair.
Attention! Round 2!
I don't mind her repeating things.
...and I'm sure you all agree...
We know what she's going to say, there's no mystery.
A little consideration, we said no mocking people.
Go on, honey, I'm listening.
It'd not only give a person confidence,
it'd give the whole group hope.
In summer, I miss winter clothes, and in winter...
Summer clothes!
- It's not a good idea. - Yes, it is.
Touch it with no gloves, no mask. Go on, bare skin.
It's spotless.
- Down you go. - There she goes.
Down, down.
It's not clean. It looks like it, but it's not.
I'm sorry, I can't.
You can't see bacteria with the naked eye,
but they can do a lot of harm.
They're everywhere.
Oh, God...
Enough, eh? Go. Go on, go.
Shigellosis, staphylococcus...
Serratia marcescens, the famous salmonella... Shall I go on?
- Don't go on. - No!
There, go on, go on... Shine it up.
- I can't. - There you go.
- It's clean, I don't get it. - Sure it is. You could eat off it.
- There, you're doing great. - You're doing awesome.
- Awesome. Awesome - Thanks.
I think so too, but I'm not saying it.
According to "Microbe" magazine,
which I subscribe to,
hand dryers in bathrooms
increase by 254%
the bacterial contamination of the environment.
They're showers of horror!
Streptococcus, staphylococcus, diphtheria...
corynebacterium...!
I'm sorry. I can't go on.
Don't go on! God, what this girl knows!
No more.
- What now? -3 minutes without washing your hands.
You can do it, can't you?
I'm sorry, really.
Wait for me outside, I'll be here a while.
Otto! Otto! Otto!
That's it! That's it!
Go, Otto, you can do it.
Of course you can! Willy! Sugar! Darn it!
Almost.
- No, I can't, I can't. - Yes, go on, you can.
- Shall I push you? - No!
Otto! Otto! Otto!
- Go for it. Shall I push you? - No, no, no!
Do it for me. Do it for me. If you do, I'll give you... one.
- And what's "one". - A kiss, idiot. The youth of today!
One or two. One or two.
- Aweso... Here I go. - Go on, go for it!
He's not treading on them.
Trust in the Lord, the Lord will guide your steps.
Yes, the "Lord". Go on.
Otto! Otto! Otto!
He's not treading on them.
It's like he's got internal radar.
Sure, it's years of experience.
...when they told me:
"We're going to the house of the Lord"
- They're guiding our steps... - Let's go, champ!
The taxi driver is charging for this ride.
Lili, Lili.
I'm so sorry, really, it's impossible for me.
Never mind, the effort gets the same reward.
You done?
So, how did it go?
He sucked ass.
3, 2, 1... and go. Now!
Go on, say something to me.
Like what?
12 times 12.
144.
3,500 divided by 17 and multiplied by 345.
71,029.41.
4,431 multiplied by 37,
divided by 3.
54,649.
How do we know he's not lying? We should check.
Prime numbers from 1 to 100.
Yeah, sure. I've only got 3 minutes, babe.
Main rivers and tributaries in Spain.
Spain has lots of rivers and lots of tributaries.
What is this? A primary school test?
Bravo, Emilio! Son of a thousand bitches!
Thanks, Federico. I'm handling the situation.
- Boeing? Boeing? -747.
There's no taking it easy here.
But there's also the 757, 767, 777 and the 787.
All more modern than the 747.
- The dwarves. - Sev...
You've got no imagination.
Now ask me about the Dalmatians.
Hair down or up.
Up.
Mortal sins times midnight chimes, divided by the Jackson Five.
7 times 12...
Including Janet and La Toya?
If not, 16, if so, 12... Shit!
Emilio. Emilio!
I've tried everything, but this man's impossible.
Amazing. Have the never asked you to be a spy?
Let's see... Peugeot?
If we start with car makes, then I'm dead.
There's the 108, the 205,
the new 208, the 2008, the 3008... Do I go on?
Don't go on. Don't go on.
Miguel de Cervantes y Saavedra.
29/9/1547.
22/4/1616.
I know it. I don't know why, but I know it.
Paracetamol?
500. You're bad people.
- Pi! -3.1416.
- The Angry Men? -12.
- The Commandments? - The Little Pigs?
Motherfucker!
Jesus, Mary and Joseph! What a temper!
I'm a taxi driver with built-in anger. So?
You're cruel. Enough, it's not working!
Don't say that, you really tried.
I was sure you were a moron, but no,
you have a gifted mind.
This is dumb, useless. I'm the one leaving now.
Why is he acting like that? Does he have "moose wings"?
Mood swings, mood swings.
- What did I say? - No, no one's leaving here!
Just because it didn't work on you, doesn't mean it won't work on us!
Solidarity, eh? Solidarity, eh?
Not much solidarity from you
if you leave us hanging now!
- No, no, no! - Who do you think you are?
You've turned violent.
Well, I'm sorry, lady.
I couldn't listen to Miss Ditto repeat it all over again.
I got us in a mess for nothing. We've failed dismally.
I don't agree.
Let me out!
Buddy, are you alright?
I'm going to ask you a question, but I want you to answer fast,
without thinking, alright?
- Alright. - Alright?
Alright. Alright.
Fine, here goes.
How many times has Ana Maria crossed herself in the last hour?
Fast.
How many times...?
...has she crossed herself.
In the last hour?
Roughly, you know.
Roughly...
I don't know.
- I don't know. - Why didn't you count it?
- Now I feel bad about it! - There's more.
How many bad words have I said in the last...
two hours? Do you know?
Bad words?
- Jeez... - Do you know?
Lots?
He didn't count it.
Apparently I didn't count it.
That's great.
I was so focused on what was going on, I didn't do it.
That's the solution!
I'm lost.
- Thinking less about ourselves. - Yes, but how do you do that?
Turning off the switch we have in our brains more often.
Let's all think. Did it happen some other time?
Right! I think I remember.
Yes,
when Ana Maria was suffocating.
Otto...
went to get her a glass of water
and...
and?
Did I walk on the lines?
I walked on the lines!
It's true!
And then, when you went to console Lili,
the same thing.
I walked on the lines. I walked on the lines!
It's true! It's true!
And not just one, you stepped on at least
16 or 18, roughly.
You handled the emergency and forgot your obsession.
That's... awesome.
Awesome, awesome. Wait!
- Someone else forgot their OCD. - Who?
Wait!
Someone else forgot their OCD.
Who?
You, Blanca.
- Me? When? - When?
- You, Blanca? - Me? When?
When?
Yes, yes.
You went to undo Ana Maria's girdle,
and then... you didn't wash your hands.
Did that happen? I don't wear a girdle! Did you see anything?
You went to undo Ana Maria's girdle and then...
-you didn't wash your hands. - I don't wear a girdle!
I don't know, it slipped my mind.
Like I say, you forgot to wash your hands because
you were helping Ana Maria.
I'm appreciate that.
Listen, this is big.
- We thought nobody succeeded. - Attention, attention, attention!
I just realized that someone else forgot their OCD.
Who?
Ana Maria!
Me? Really? When?
Just before starting the exercise. You prayed,
then forgot to cross yourself.
Oh, that's awful.
Though just once won't hurt.
Now Lili.
We have to recall if she forgot to repeat something.
No way. I've repeated everything that came out of my mouth.
- Are you sure? Are you sure? - No way.
I've repeated everything that came out of my mouth.
I'm sure. I'm sure.
- Everything? Everything? - Everything. Everything.
Everything but two letters, one syllable: pi.
Pi? And when was that?
Emilio's turn, when he said 3.1416.
Pi? And when was that?
And I saved you the list of decimals, which is endless,
but I do know it.
If Lili had repeated 'pi',
it would've been...
Pee-pee.
That's a polite thing to say.
Lili, in the alphabet,
what's letter after 'j'?
K-k.
Lili was so into the exercise
of trying to help Emilio
that for a second she forgot to repeat.
And you didn't die, Lili, thank God.
- And put the phone away! - One second isn't much.
- How often has it happened in 1O years? - One second isn't much.
- How often has it happened in 1O years? - Did she say that three times?
- How often...? - God, they're in a loop.
We have to help them. Stop!
Roughly? Never.
Roughly, never.
But one second is a start.
If you understand, say 'yes', but just once.
Once.
Yes.
In the end, it turned out okay.
It's a good start to getting better.
And we can meet once a month to do these exercises.
Great idea! It couldn't have gone better even with Dr. Palomero.
Yes, let's form a WhatsApp group.
I think we're going to leave here with a good taste in our mouths.
Not everyone...
Everyone except you.
Let's form a WhatsApp group.
Like I said, mine's incurable.
I'm sure at some point you were able to control it.
Let's think about it. Think.
- I've got it! When... - When?
Oh, no, no, no.
- When I lost my keys. - What?
- I've got it! When... - When?
Hey, it's been a while now since you...
Your fucking motherfucking mother!
- Nothing, I didn't say anything. - You see?
I knew it.
Good news! I just spoke to the doctor and he's on his way.
- Goddamn asshole! - Where are you going?
- To a disco. Where do you think? - I should be having dinner.
He's so very sorry. He just got a taxi from the airport.
At this hour he'll take 29 or 30 minutes.
He asked me to apologize and he'll see all of you,
-even if he's here until tomorrow. - How nice.
Shall I order pizza for everyone? Anything in particular?
- What do I tell the doctor? - That we've had enough for today.
And we didn't need his therapy,
we worked it out ourselves. Tell him.
Ready? 'Ready? Ready?
And...
Now.
The group's done. You know what I called it?
I can imagine.
The group's done. You know what I called it?
OCD OCD GROUP CREATED
You say you're single?
That's right.
Being you wife would be fun.
Don't you believe it... Blow me! Sorry.
If you like, we could meet one day for...
afternoon tea at a café.
Of course... Fucking tart! Sorry again.
Jesus! You have an endless repertoire.
'Bye, 'Bye. 'Bye. 'Bye.
-'Bye. -'Bye. 'Bye.
Do you know where there's a taxi around here?
Yes. Mine, I'll take you.
But it's no charge.
Today's open bar, honey lamb!
Fresh!
- Good evening. - Good evening.
Federico, can I take you anywhere?
I live close by. I'll walk.
Thanks, buddy. You're...
...a star.
You slut, gimme those melons.
Doctor Palomero!
If it weren't for the fact that I can't help it,
I would've smacked you one.
Sorry, it was a real intense group.
It's the tiredness.
I hope so.
No double meanings.
- How was I? - Scary!
- Too hammy. - On the contrary.
It was perfect, the job's yours.
My last assistant didn't last two therapies.
And they saw through her.
The advantages of hiring an unemployed actress.
- I thought you weren't coming. - I'll be in my office, taking notes.
Were you able to organize next week's group?
- All set. - Good.
Tell me, will it be as much fun as this one?
No way!
Good, see how you can do it? It's fine, huh?
Great!
Hello!
- Hello. - Congratulations.
Thank you.
- Do you want to hold him? - No!
You look wonderful with her.
Relax, relax.
It's all going fine. It's all going fine.
A light flows through my body.
Now I feel the peace.
I can feel your breathing...
I'm going to "body pump", this girl's a pain in the ass.
Good morning.
Dr. Palomero?
No, the receptionist just told me that his flight
is delayed.
Your fucking motherfucking mother!
No need to be like that.
Sorry. Sorry.