Once upon a time...
...in a little town called La Placenta...
...two fine, upright people...
...call them Fred and Sylvia...
...had a baby.
Beautiful little girl.
Normal as hell.
Except for the fact that she was born with seven hearts.
Midwife said:
"So she's got a bunch of hearts.
Nothing wrong there. "
But Fred and Sylvia were concerned.
In fact, they took her to seven different doctors...
...who gave them seven different opinions.
Not only that, they had to pay seven different bills.
Anyway...
...they take her home...
...keep her there...
...maintain a low profile...
...and 32 years go by.
The little girl...
...let's call her Hilda...
...grows up to be straight...
...tall...
...pretty...
...and very much alone.
Due to the peculiarity of her internal-organ situation...
...she's not terribly at ease with those of the male persuasion.
Downright terrified.
Absolutely certain that no man could love her...
...with anywhere near the intensity that she'd have with her seven hearts.
So...
...she does the only thing she can do.
She marries a friend of her father's.
Pharmacist.
Widower. Man of means.
Tolerant of her condition.
But there's no passion.
No love.
No future.
And then one day...
...a miracle happens.
Hilda finds herself alone...
...with another man.
A stranger.
And she hears...
...14 hearts beating.
And my name's Paul McCane.
This is the Heartbreak Hotline.
1040 on your radio. We'll be holding down the fort from now until 6 a. m.
Give us a call at 555-HART.
That's 555-H-A-R-T.
Heartbreak Hotline, you're on the air.
Hello, you're on the air.
My name's Reedy.
I just called to say hello.
Hello, Reedy.
I love what you say.
Love your v oice. That's it. That's all.
Tak e care, now. Thanks for calling.
Heartbreak Hotline, you're on the air.
- Is-? Is this Paul McCane? - Sure is.
- What's your name, friend? - Rick.
Okay, Rick. I'm listening. What's troubling you?
- I'm kind of- This girl at work. - What about her?
See, every time I try to talk to her, I kind of- Well, I break down.
I break out. I get a rash.
- Sounds serious. - I guess I'm basically with what-
It's interesting, I'm-
I don't know what it is.
What do I do, Paul? I mean, I really lik e this girl.
She's so pretty. She's-
She's lik e milk.
You talk to her. You gotta talk to her.
But how can I talk to her with a river running down the back of my shirt?
I can't breathe. I feel lik e I'm gonna die.
You're not gonna die.
- Is she really like milk? - She's amazing.
Then you gotta do it. I mean...
...what if this girl at work is the one that you've been waiting for?
Maybe she's your destiny. How are you gonna know?
You're right.
I'll do it. Thanks.
Thanks, Paul.
- Heartbreak Hotline, you're on the air. - Hey, play something by the Shirelles.
- Heartbreak Hotline, you're on the air. - Paul, it's Zelda.
Hello, Zelda.
- I'm upset. - Upset's okay.
Upset means you're alive, right?
No, I'm worried something terrible is gonna happen to the man I love.
Whatever's causing that feeling...
...don't you think-? Hey!
Hey, what are you doing in here, man?
Please! Stop!
Please!
- What do you think? - It's sick.
Wild, isn't it? Everybody's talking. It should be our next case.
- Excuse me? Who's the client? - Excuse me?
Who's the client? Who's gonna hire us?
What's the difference? A murder's a murder. We solve this without a client.
You're missing my point. Who's gonna pay us?
It doesn't matter.
- Doesn't matter? - Doesn't matter. Know what that is?
- Tomorrow's trash. - Front page, that's what.
Where we belong. Lead stories. Headlines. That's what we need.
We find the guy who wasted this wimp and we are set.
David, listen to me. Try and hear what I'm saying.
I run a business. In order for it to flourish...
...there has to be more money coming in than going out.
The way we make money come in is by finding clients.
The client hires us. Signs a contract.
We perform and we get paid. That last part is very important.
That keeps "xox" in the Xerox, ribbons in the typewriter.
- And the wolf away from the door. - Madelyn, where is your spirit?
This case is a gold mine. Every old maid in the city...
...every lonely heart listened to Paul McCane.
- I didn't. You know what I mean. - Where are you going?
- Periodontist. - Forget him, this is bigger.
- Fate is knocking. - I don't hear a thing.
Trust me. This could be the key to our future. Our empire.
Think about Rockefeller, Ford, Edison. You think Thomas Alva laid back...
...waiting for the light to come on? Hell, no!
He went, strapped on his propeller cap and invented things.
- Get out of my way. - What about Mr. Kleenex?
- Mr. Who? - Sure, Mr. Kleenex.
You think he waited for somebody to say, " Hey, got a tissue?" Hell, no.
He looked at his sleeve and said, " I have a better idea. "
- This is our light bulb. Our tissue. - I use handkerchiefs.
Good morning, Miss Hayes. Some story about that radio guy getting shot.
What can I say? It's on everyone's lips.
What a thing to happen, huh? It is some kind of story.
It's an opportunity, you know.
We got to think about this.
- Everyone's. - Why do I let you do this to me?
I see you coming but don't run. I hear you but don't cover my ears. Why?
It's not your fault. You can't help yourself.
- Me? I'm like a- - A traffic accident.
Cancel Dr. Fishvine.
- Already did. - Already did?
Already did.
Is she great or what?
Whatever's causing that feeling...
...don't you think-? Hey!
Hey, what are you-?
- You know how the rest goes. - Should have played the Shirelles.
- Sorry. - There was a trail...
...of blood through here, out the door and down in the parking lot.
Cops figure that somebody...
...loaded him into his car or a couple of cars.
They said they had a report about a heap that fit the description of Paul's...
...going through a barricade on the highway, doing a dive into the ocean.
- Are you okay? - Her? She's in heaven.
- Heaven. - Heaven.
Why don't we finish the rest of this in my office.
David, David, David. All this blood and violence.
I know, I get giddy just thinking about it.
How does the Blue Moon girl get involved in something like this?
- Just lucky, I guess. - No, no. I wanna know.
- Who are you working for? - Working for?
- Working for. - Working for.
He wants to know who we're working for.
- What for? - What for?
- Why not? - Why not?
- Why not what? - Why not what for you wanna know?
- What? - What? Talk to him.
I'm afraid that's privileged information. Client confidentiality.
- Of course. - Of course.
Of course.
So, what can Sonny Brezner tell you?
- Tell us who you think killed McCane. - Got me. I'm just a station manager.
I didn't think the guy had an enemy. Also, I don't think he had a friend.
- He was a strange cat. - Strange, how?
Loved the dark. Did you ever listen to his show?
- Yeah. - No.
Well, I mean, the guy was good.
I mean...
...I kept going to him, pleading with him:
" Let me put you on days. Days is where the money is. "
But he wouldn't hear of it. Here, let me show you something.
Look. Look at this.
Look at that mug. That's a good-looking guy.
TV people trying to net him for years. But he wouldn't hear of it.
Only wanted to work nights, 2 to 6. Talk to the lonely.
Why do you think that was?
Because he wanted his days free.
Why do you think that was?
- I'm not sure. - Take a guess.
See, a lot of married men work during the day.
A lot of married women don't.
Everybody needs a hobby.
Now, that is what I call a case. Sex, violence, hit tunes.
If we crack this they'll make a movie about it.
Mel Gibson will play my life.
I'll go on TV. I'll talk to David Hartman. Barbara Walters.
Women from all over will send me letters, make lewd suggestions.
- Is this a wild country or what? - Heartbreak Hotline, you're on the air.
- We're not taking this case. - Get out of town.
- Paul McCane is disgusting. - He's dead.
- He got what he deserved. - You don't know that.
Given the amoral way he lived his life, his violent death comes as no surprise.
You're mad he boinked a couple hausfraus?
I'm not having this conversation.
We're not taking this case.
- I'm gonna say something to you. - Be still, my heart.
- Judge not lest ye be judged. - Where did you get that?
I read it on a bumper sticker. But it's pretty profound. It's a great case.
- It's perverse. - Wait a second.
I don't wanna talk about it.
When we get back to the office, we're gonna find another case. A real case.
The kind with a client with some morals, with a checkbook.
- Fine. Good. - Fine. Good.
- You're weird. - This is very meaningful.
Humpty Dumpty is calling me cracked.
No, no. You're repressed or obsessed or one of those S words. Every time...
...something comes up that involves men or sex or-
- " Boinking"? Is that the word? - See what I mean? Not normal.
I'm supposed to discuss my mental health with a man who refers...
...to the act of procreation as boinking?
See? Right away, you get stiff and tense.
Not right away. Not with everybody. Just you.
You make me stiff and tense.
I make you stiff and tense because I'm the only the person in your life.
What? Denying it? Are you saying there's someone else?
Are you denying that you're not in bed alone every night by 9:30?
- There are plenty of people in my life. - Name one.
- I will not. - You can't. There is no one.
You're repressed or obsessed or one of those.
That's why you're not gonna take this case. Great case.
- I'm not listening. - It makes you crazy...
...that anybody is boinking when you can't.
- I can't hear. - It makes you crazy that the world...
- ... is out boinking except you. - Not a single word.
- Shut up. - Boink. Boink, boink, boink.
- Can't you hear that? - Stop it!
- Boink, boink, boink. - Get out of my car!
Get out of my car!
Get out! Out! Out!
Was it something I said?
I hate you, David Addison.
Evening. I'm Paul McCane, and this is the Heartbreak Hotline.
It's three minutes after 2 in the a. m. Tell me something.
Is it the day?
Is it the moon? Or is it just me? I've got the blues so bad.
I mean, am I the only one?
Is everybody wishing they could go to a foreign country and hide under a bed.
No, it's not just you.
It's not just you.
So, what's wrong?
I don't know.
Nothing's wrong. Maybe that's what's wrong.
I'm 34 years old. Halfway home.
And all I have to show for my life is...
Well, not much.
You know, by the time my father was 34...
...he had fled one country for another, fought in a world war...
...married a woman he'd stay married to for the rest of his life...
...and already brought three children into the world.
It may not be for you and me, but it sure beats...
...worrying whether there's a polo player on your pock et.
Sure does.
How did it happen?
I don't know. Things happen.
Times change. Rules change.
Don't ask me how. I don't know.
I wish I did.
I mean, what committee...
...decided to put the kibosh on love and replace it with relationships?
I'm going to figure out this relationship business...
...is one of the great con jobs of our time.
- You know what a relationship is? - What?
A relationship is when two people see each other...
...while they wait for something better to come along.
And then one day you wak e up, realise you had a crack at some great people.
But you were too busy worrying about what you might be missing to notice.
Enough of that. Let's go to the phones.
555-H-A-R-T.
- I've come to swap apologies. - I've come to a decision.
- I may have been a little rough. - I may have been hasty.
- You're uncomfortable with this case- - I'd like to continue the investigation.
- What? Repeat what you just said. - Excuse me? No, you first.
The man on that tape is not the man described to us in the radio station.
He's not? I knew that.
This man...
This man is a man of extraordinary depth and understanding.
He is? Of course he is. Deep. You haven't scratched the surface.
This guy was the Grand Canyon.
Anyway, if you're still interested in this particular case...
Me, interested?
Well, all right, you win this time.
But I just want you to know you owe me one.
We could begin where McCane lives. See if that doesn't take us somewhere.
Did you come in here to tell me something?
Me? You? No.
Nothing on my mind except you.
And this luxuriously thick head of hair.
Maddie.
Mission control to Madelyn Hayes. Earth to Maddie.
- Excuse me. - You're excused.
Only, in the future, please don't leave without taking your body with you.
So this is where he lived.
Yes, this is where Paul McCane, late of the Heartbreak Hotline...
...currently residing 20,000 leagues under the sea...
...hung his hat and defiled his dames.
Something I said? Was it something you took?
Shouldn't we get somebody to open the door?
- Did you bring your search warrant? - No.
Forgot mine too.
- Looks like a job for Mr. Stickpin. - Mr. Stickpin?
It's the amazing Mr. Stickpin. You can stick with it.
You can prick with it. You can play a dirty trick with it.
It's guaranteed not to rust and will cut a cow in half.
- I've always been curious about this. - Nothing to it.
You stick the stickpin in.
You pull the stickpin out.
You stick the stickpin in.
And you shak e it all about
You do the Hok ey Pok ey And you turn yourself about
That's what it's all about
Talk about a guy having everything to live for.
I think our late friend must have had a very generous sugar mama.
These are not the digs of a man who works 2 to 6 in the morning.
- David. - Closet.
It's okay, Laura. I'm here with you.
It's okay, come on.
- Laura. - Sonny.
David!
Hey, Sonny, talk about small worlds. You come to this closet too?
- Hello. - Sonny, who are these people?
- What are they doing here? - These people are investigators.
Investigating Paul's death.
- I'm Madelyn Hayes- - Investigators? For who?
- For Arthur? - Arthur?
- We don't know any Arthur. - No, we were just trying on shoes.
You tell my husband to stop following me.
I'll get lawyers. I'll get an injunction.
We don't know Arthur. All we know is...
...Paul McCane used to live here and he's dead.
We know your name because we heard Sonny when you came in.
We know you must've been very near and dear to the recently departed...
...because there are pictures of you all over here.
And I guess we also know that you and your husband...
...do not have a marriage based on mutual trust...
...because you point that at us like we're the bad guys, which we are not.
Well, then who are you working for?
- Working for? - Working for.
- She wants to know who we work for. - That's privileged information.
- Client confidentiality. - Oh, of course.
- Of course. - Of course.
Of course.
Well, then what are you doing here?
Trying to figure out who killed Paul McCane.
It doesn't make sense, a brutal murder. Is there something you could tell us?
I don't think so.
I'm married to a very powerful man, Miss Hayes.
My husband is Arthur Boyd, he owns KRKD.
He owns a lot of radio stations.
He owns a lot of things.
He owns a lot of people.
- He owns me. - What? Nobody owns anyone.
- You were a model once. - Yes.
Made a lot of money?
I like money, Miss Hayes.
I know myself well enough to know I'd have a difficult time living without it.
Paul wasn't rich, so I had Arthur.
Arthur wasn't loving, so I had Paul.
I like money, so Arthur has me.
An old-fashioned girl. My favourite kind.
You thought your husband was having you followed. Do you think he knew?
Like I said, my husband is very rich and very scary.
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.
Mrs. Boyd.
I just wanted to know...
I guess I was sort of a fan.
He was a wonderful man.
A terrific man.
I loved him very much.
The truth?
He wasn't quite as good to be with as he was to listen to.
He was just wonderful on the radio.
Is that a terrible thing to say?
Seems like McCane's boss is a good suspect. Has the means, the motive.
- We ought to visit. - Why is it that people with someone...
...want someone else and the people who have no one get left?
- Come again? - Nothing. I was- Never mind.
Don't " never mind" me, I wanna understand this.
There's nothing to understand. I was just thinking out loud.
You're hung up on Paul McCane, aren't you?
- What are you talking about? - You and that scene...
...from a Bette Davis movie you just played in that apartment.
- The way you've been acting. - How have I been acting?
Like you're in eighth grade and he passed you a note.
- What is with you and Paul McCane? - Nothing is with me and Paul McCane.
You're ridiculous. It's a fascinating case. He's a fascinating man.
He was a fascinating man.
He is a smorgasbord at some guppy's bar mitzvah.
- No reason for you to feel threatened. - I don't.
- You sound threatened. - I'm not threatened. I'm concerned.
My partner is beginning to show signs of affection for a deceased man.
These things concern me.
- You sound jealous. - Jealous? Jealous of what? Of who?
- Paul McCane. - Paul McCane is dead.
- Doesn't seem to be stopping you. - I am not jealous of a dead man.
- If you say so. - Hey, lady, look.
For me to be jealous, he'd have to have something I want, which he doesn't.
- If I said something to upset you- - You couldn't.
Okay, I'll give you an example.
One way we connect with another person is we find mutual interests.
We find common ground.
You're not getting me, Paul.
I don't even know her name.
Besides I think there's someone else.
You don't need to know her name.
Doesn't matter if there's someone else.
Go by her desk. She's got stuff on her desk?
- I don't know. - Sure, she does.
She's got a cat calendar...
...or pictures from her trip to Europe. An autographed baseball.
Stick the stickpin in. Pull the stickpin out.
You stick the stickpin in and you shake it all about.
You do the Hoochie Coochie and you turn yourself around.
Okay.
Hello?
Hey!
Hey! Hey!
- You're alive! - Why couldn't you just leave it alone?
I- I don't understand. You're alive!
- Where'd the band go? - Hello.
You have your arm around me.
That mean we're going steady? You're picking up the check?
Hey, don't take this the wrong way, but you remind of a Pontiac I used to own.
- What's that? - Coffee.
What for? I didn't order a doughnut.
Hey, these are the jokes, folks. Is this thing on?
Tough room, huh?
Relax, guys, I'm fine.
I'm just gonna go make a phone call.
Later. Can I have your baby?
No, that's a trick question. Bring me two of anything in the tequila family.
Hi, this is Maddie Hayes. I can't come to the phone right now-
If the prettiest girl lived Across the sea
Oh, what a good swimmer Paul would be
It's a kid's rhyme.
It's kind of apt.
You're looking at a fellow who's coming up for his last gasp, Maddie.
Killing yourself must seem like a dramatic way to solve a problem, huh?
It's just...
If someone is your destiny...
Laura Boyd?
When Laura and I realised we loved each other...
...it seemed hopeless.
Arthur wasn't about to give her a divorce.
And you don't tell a woman like Laura to...
...do without.
It wasn't an easy decision, but it seemed the only way.
Arthur was beginning to suspect something.
He would have had me killed, you know.
If he were sure.
But...
...you can't suspect your wife of loving a dead man, right?
I know what I'm doing.
I realise that I'm giving up all my life, everything...
...to be there for one woman all the time.
That she...
...will be my life.
Women have been doing that for men for years, right?
Can you believe she's still not home?
- Speaking of home... - She thinks I'm weird.
Kinky, unfeeling. I'm not, you know.
And deep down inside, I'm an old-fashioned guy.
I'll give you a good example.
Last week I was in this bar.
And four chicks started hitting on me at once, and I said:
"Girls, we got a problem here.
I'm an old-fashioned guy.
One of you girls is gonna have to leave. "
When I snuck in this afternoon to pick up a few things, I was exhausted.
I spent the last 24 hours reading and listening to accounts of my death.
Let me tell you, that'll knock the wind out of your sails.
Anyway, I...
I laid down for just a second.
The next thing I knew, it was night. Dark.
Then I heard the noise. Why did you come?
What were you looking for?
What were you hoping to find?
On the radio you sounded like you had all the answers.
And now?
I don't know.
The rain stopped.
I'd better be going.
Maddie.
About what I told you...
About what who told who?
We've never met. We've never spoken.
You're a dead man, Mr. McCane.
You know what I think?
She's hung up on this other guy. That's what I think.
I mean, not that I care. I don't care.
Just hurt, that's all.
I think if she's gonna go for somebody...
...she should go for me, that's all. Not that she has to go for me. I don't-
I don't care about that.
Okay. All right, all right. I'm insecure. There.
I admit it. It's out, all right?
It's normal, right?
Did I happen to mention this other guy's dead?
Sure has calmed down in here.
Well, I guess I had my limit.
You and me ought to do this again sometime, stinky. We think alike.
Hey, stinky. You missed a spot over here.
- My God, they dropped the bomb. - David.
What are you doing here? Why are you on my door?
Cab driver kept trying to put me in a chair and I kept sliding out.
It's not bad. I keep waiting for the Cowardly Lion and Tin Man to come.
David, David, David, you look awful.
Don't you " David, David, David" me, you wanton woman.
- Wanton what? - Wanton woman.
That's what I called you. A wanton woman. A woman who's wanton.
Don't deny it, I know. I called your house every 15 minutes last night.
- You did? - Yes, I did.
- That is so sweet. - Get your mitts off me...
- ... you scarlet pimpernel. - Scarlet what?
I guess I bear the guilt. I'm the guy that drove you to it.
Working with me side by side, day in, day out.
It's bound to make a weak woman a little crazy.
- David. - We're both mature adults here.
I understand the problem. I'm willing to solve it.
- David. - I mean, we can't...
...have you out there on the streets of Los Angeles...
...filled with these urges, embarrassing yourself and the agency, can we?
- David, stop while there's still time. - No, which is why-
I've given this a lot of thought. - I would be happy...
...to accommodate any urges, passions or desires...
...you may be filled with and find unable to relieve.
You understand the offer I'm making you?
I think it's damn nice of me.
The trick is not to make a pig of yourself. Think about what you want-
For the company and your safety...
...we'll forget the last three minutes happened. Nod yes if you understand.
For your information, I spent last evening with-
- With who? - I swore I wouldn't tell.
- Your secret's safe. - I couldn't tell.
- Give me a hint. Rhymes with "Joe"? - No.
- Addison. - Madison?
- Please. - Louise?
All right, if you must know, I spent last evening with Paul McCane.
Remember the dead disc jockey, Paul McCane?
- You need my help more than I realised. - It turns out that he is very much alive.
- Alive? - Alive. He feigned his death...
...so he could see Laura Boyd, whose husband suspected something.
- Alive? - Alive. Which means...
...there was no murder. Which means there was no case.
Which means that because of you and your tissues and light bulbs...
...this agency has wasted days on nothing!
If Paul McCane's alive, I'll kill him.
Blue Moon.
- Maddie Hayes, yeah. - Maddie Hayes.
- Oh, hello, Paul. - Give me that.
McCane, you got a lot of nerve being alive.
What?
Can I come by?
I need your help.
Laura's husband, Arthur Boyd?
I just found him murdered.
Shot to death.
It's for you.
I did not kill Arthur Boyd.
I know that right this second I must look like a terrific suspect.
But I swear to you...
...I didn't kill that man.
I believe you.
Is this kid a great audience or what?
I'm not a killer.
I'm a storyteller, I'm an illusionist.
And also a coward. Cowards don't kill people.
I disappeared. I disappeared better than anybody in the history of radio.
Orson Welles couldn't have done any better.
I didn't kill anyone.
Couldn't kill anyone.
God, look at me. My hands are shaking.
Just tell us what happened, Paul.
Laura and I have a place.
A place for me to live.
A place for her to be with me.
But she thought it was too soon.
Someone might see, put two and two together.
We decided not to be with each other for three weeks.
Let everything die down.
But I couldn't do it. I had to see her.
So after you left this morning, Laura and I worked it out.
There's an office at the radio station.
It's Arthur's office. He's never there, he never uses it.
It's big, roomy.
So I snuck up the fire escape.
I pulled open the window.
And, I mean, I got one leg in the room and I see him.
He's just sitting behind the desk and he's staring at me.
I figured, "This is it. The old guy knows. He's gonna pull out a gun.
I'm gonna fall from the fifth floor and die and no one will know.
Because, hell, I just died two days before, right?"
I mean, I'm frozen there.
Just waiting.
And then I see it.
He isn't moving.
He isn't breathing.
He isn't blinking.
And I see the hole in the centre of his forehead.
I'll bet that killed the mood.
I'm an inch away from being found.
As soon as it gets out that I'm alive, I'm as good as gone.
I wanna hire you two...
- ... to prove I'm innocent. - Hire us?
I don't know where else to go.
Did you hear what he said? He wants to hire us.
A real client with a real case.
Excuse us.
We don't know this guy didn't kill Arthur Boyd.
As soon as the world finds out he's got a pulse...
...he's gonna make one hell of a suspect. That makes us accessories.
Accessories to murder. Unless we call the police.
- Accessories? - Accessories. Batteries not included.
- Action figure sold separately. - I'll pay your going rate.
Accessories go to prison, Maddie.
Guy like me? I don't even know how to dance.
- I'll double it. - I can learn.
- Someone followed me here. - It's barely 8:00. We're not open yet.
I gotta get out. Got a back door?
Show Paul the back door. I'll see who it is.
Wait a second. I need to know. Are you gonna take my case?
Let me remind you how you look in stripes.
Of course we'll take your case.
We need to talk some more.
Meet me at the radio station at 8.
Thank you.
I took a chance. Hoped someone would be in.
- Mrs. Boyd? - I found my husband, Arthur, dead.
- Shot through the head. - Seems to be going around.
- I want you to find the killer. - We've got to open earlier.
- We're missing business. - I want you to prove I didn't do it.
Our specialty.
What did I tell you? This turned out to be a gold mine.
That's when I saw the bullet hole in his forehead.
Turning out to be a popular local attraction.
I'm scared.
My affair is bound to come out.
When it does, everyone is going to see I had most to gain from Arthur's death.
I didn't kill him, I swear it.
Someone followed me here.
That must be Arthur.
He wants to hire us to find out who did kill him.
Have you seen our back door? Very popular with our innocent clients.
What are you doing tonight? We're having a powwow at the station.
Love to have you join us.
Good morning, Mr. Brezner.
Sorry I knocked. I know you're not open.
- I was following Laura Boyd. - Following Laura Boyd?
- Long story. Is she here? - Just stepped out the back door.
Part of our policy. Ten minutes each. No more, no less.
- We've become a volume business. - What can we do?
- This is difficult- - I'll tell you.
You were at the station. You noticed that Arthur's got an extra orifice...
- ... in his forehead. - Laura told you.
- You want us to prove you didn't do it. - Why? Of course I didn't.
- We're running a special on this case. - But I do wanna hire you...
...to prove Laura is innocent.
All right, is the kid a born salesman or what?
Relax, Willy Loman. You want us to prove Laura is innocent?
I was at the station this morning. I saw Laura walk into Arthur's office.
It aroused my curiosity. No one walks into Arthur's office.
Two minutes later she walked out.
I went and knocked on the door. Maybe the man was in. Strange things happen.
He was in, all right.
Sounds like you think she did it.
No, no, back up. I said, it looks like she did it.
Laura's no killer.
She's...
She's a very special lady.
You heard her. And she was married to a very...
...powerful, very scary guy.
Jury? Jury wouldn't understand about Laura and Arthur. It was...
...an ugly marriage.
You know what a jury's gonna think?
That Arthur had McCane killed and she had Arthur killed.
I want you two to help her.
I want you to get her out of this.
- That's a highly unusual request. - But we're a highly unusual agency.
Got any plans for tonight? Feel like a skull session...
...pardon the expression, at the radio station? I'm thinking 8-ish?
Now that all these people are meeting at the station, what do we do?
- Prove they didn't do it. - How are we gonna do that?
- By telling them who did. - How are we gonna do that?
It's obvious who did it, isn't it?
- You think so too? - Plain as the face on my nose.
It's nice to know you had the same feeling.
- That's why we make a good team. - One of the many reasons.
As soon as I got a look at that wimp. All his talk about Orson-
- Wait, you think Paul did it? - Who else?
- I don't believe this. - Believe it. Who else?
- For starters, how about Vampira? - Vamp-who?
- Black Widow Boyd. - You think Laura killed him?
- You don't? It's obvious. - It's not really obvious to me.
Because you think with your zipper. Laura Boyd married solely for money.
Cheated, killed and set up her lover to take the blame.
- You're hung up on this guy. - What are you talking about?
About how you're laying all this on Laura Boyd.
About how your feelings for this mouse-
- He's not a mouse. - Open your eyes.
Paul McCane killed himself so he could kill Arthur Boyd...
...so he could live off his money.
- You'd love if it were true. - If?
Open your eyes. I'm telling you what any impartial person-
- I'm impartial. - Not blinded-
I'm not blinded. I'm not jealous of Paul McCane.
No, you just want to see him go to the chair.
- Paul McCane is not a killer. - Laura Boyd is not a killer.
- Yes, she is. - No, she's not.
Yes, she is.
- It's him. - It's her.
- You're wrong. You're wrong. - I'm right. I'm right.
- You are not. - I am too.
- You are not. You are not. - I am too. I am too.
- Paul. - Laura.
- Paul. Paul. - Laura. Laura.
Paul.
- Laura. Laura. - Paul. Paul.
- Paul. - Maddie.
- David. - Nice to see you both again.
Laura and I have been comparing. It says a lot that we've come.
- Have you come up with anything? - It occurs that the way...
...to prove who didn't do it is to figure out who did.
And?
We both have very strong opinions as to who killed your husband.
- Very strong, very different opinions. - Yes?
Why don't you start us out?
- No, that's all right. You begin. - David.
- Maddie. - You first, Addison.
- Ladies first, lady. - You.
- You. Do it. - No. You, Addison. You first.
- You do it first. Do it. - No! You first, Addison.
Would you like us to leave the room?
All right, look, here it is.
It's not gonna be pretty.
Only one person had a motive for killing your husband.
- You're right so far. - One person who could hope...
- ... to get away with this crime. - Exactly.
One person sneaky enough, dishonest enough, unfeeling enough.
- Who? - Who?
- Paul. - Laura.
- Laura? - Paul?
- Paul. - Sonny.
Paul, you're alive.
No, no, no, I...
I didn't kill old man Boyd so you could have her.
Sonny, don't!
He was my second choice.
Laura! Stay down!
Sonny!
Stay down, Laura!
Maddie! Bite his other leg!
- I told you to bite not eat. - I'm so sorry.
From the bottom up, all you men look the same to me.
David! What are we gonna do?
That's six bullets.
That guy carries extra bullets. I hate that!
- Guess we lost him. - Guess so.
Oh, Sonny.
- Front page. - Front page.
- Just like you promised. - Just like I promised.
Poor Laura Boyd.
I wonder what it's like being a woman men die for.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
It's hard to make plans.
Dates keep getting sick, kicking off, not showing up.
You wanna do something? Get something to eat or something?
Addison, we've been over this.
You know I have to be at home alone in bed by 9:30.
Come on. It's not a school night.
There's all kinds of great things going on. Can't you hear them?
- Hear them? - Sure.
Boink, boink, boink Boinkity boink, boink
Boink, boink, boink Boinkity boink