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What's your best price?
I can go down to to 1,7, but any less than that and I am losing money.
It's from 1968? - Late 1968.
And you're still selling it for 4,000 francs more than the average price...
Leather inside, stereo, new tires. I could get 20,000 francs for it.
This car has a new paintjob!
But look mister, it's brand new!
- Eight years old! - I tell you, it's a new one!
It still has 90,000 kilometers!
But the engine has been refurbished; brand new!
Also new?! Well, if everything is new, you should sell it for 1 million more!
In this garage, as soon as a car is for sale
it becomes my responsibility. I guarantee it to you, that's all!
Ok, I'll take it. 1,5 million.
1,7, no less!
No, no, it's much too expensive!
No, it's not possible! The rocker panels are dead!
It doesn't have the tires for an "S".
It's a "T"!
And this: look at the rubbers!
- They are all burnt! - Then I'll change the rubbers.
No, this car is not fresh!
- Are you in a hurry? - No, no, I am not.
- We can give it a try? - Right now?
Yes, does that bother you?
You are a buyer?
No, I just came to buy some carrots!
What are you doing?
No, I am driving the car; otherwise, I have no interest in trying.
- Can we ride to the highway? - Yes.
"M. Jacques is called at the workshop please."
I don't understand!
It comes from the radials.
The gearbox is dead!
- Mister... Kloukewski. - Yes?
Tell me: This car is absolutely new!
Excuse me.
Who checked this engine?
M. Lambert was supposed to go to the south with his Chevrolet.
But he can't, he's taking a plane.
He wants us to bring it for him tomorrow, Sunday at 5, near Cannes.
I have no one available. You should be leaving in one hour.
It's impossible!
He is an important customer! I gave him my word.
I tell you I can't do it, it is not possible.
My wife is waiting for me; we are going to Dunkerque!
I promised. I'm counting on you.
I'm not a driver!
The customer is awaiting an answer. So is it yes?
It's no!
Do you want to be helpful or not?
Do you want to help me or not?!
You have some nerve!
So... The transmission is dead,
There are a couple of small things to be done,
some body work, but... I'll take it the way it is.
But then under the book value!
I didn't ask you to speed up!
Actually, why did you speed up?
Do you want me to open the door for you?
Why not?
Are you kidding?
Are you?
Tomorrow at 5, without fail!
Don't forget to wash it before you arrive.
Make sure it looks immaculate!
- Ah... here comes the Klouk! - Yes.
I'm ready. Coming right now!
Will you wear this one?
- Yes, don't you like it? - Yes, it's beautiful.
I forgot... your razor. Will you go get it?
Hurry up, what are you doing?!
- What's the matter? - I can't go.
What does that mean, you can't go?
Mr. Messager gave me some work. I have to do it.
Otherwise I could lose my job.
I should have known.
Stuff like that only happens to you.
I could have been sure you would not come.
Yes, yes...
Every time there is something that could please me,
something important for me, you are not here!
You are elsewhere.
Seems like you do it on purpose!
Just because I don't come to your parents' silver wedding...
Nothing to do with that! I am always waiting for you!
We are never together, never!
I had to! I can't find a job like that every day!
Fantastic!
But it's not important! It's nothing...
Leave me alone! Just go!
Really lame!
Do your job!
Everything is fine!
It's a normal thing to do!
- Hello, Mrs. Langlois! - Hello, sir!
- Can I see Philippe? - Yes he's in the back.
We got along well. We talked about music. He used to play the clarinet.
- Did he suffer? - Oh yes!
- I want to ask you something. - Listen, drive me quickly to my class.
I am freaking late.
Breathe faster! It doesn't take an hour to breathe!
- I am out of breath here! - No, no, no, no, no!
You should work more on your breathing. Then you wouldn't be tired.
The joy of life!
The eyes are sad!
- Open more for the high! - No, but it's itchy, the singing hurts.
- But you always have something wrong! - I cannot go higher.
You should work every day! With a voice like yours you have to work!
You can't remain a nurse, my child. That is not possible!
You can ask your comrades, they will all agree with me!
Yes, but here I can't, it...
You have to warm up the muscles before singing!
Listen, I tell you, I know what I am doing.
Before class, start with some exercises at home!
I cannot!
With my physical problems. I have seen dozens of doctors.
There aren't two who say the same thing!
One tells you to go for surgery, the other says:
"It's mental, it's all in your head, Mister."
- Turn left here. - I don't trust them.
When I went there, I thought:
"It's OK, that's life, you have to do that to be healthy".
But, I didn't trust them.
It's really scary.
Shit!
Fasten your belt!
In the South, I'll have to get it cleaned. It must be immaculate, as it is.
Thank you!
Put it into the glove compartment!
- We get along well. - Yes!
We have nothing to say, but we get along well.
That's it.
Maybe it's your mustache that I like.
I think that's it, yes.
You want to sell some chervil soup, but it looks like dog food!
Me, I did my job. And I don't feel any responsibility,
Besides, you owe me some cash and you will give it to me.
- Yes on the15th, but it is the 12th! - I need it!
Besides, it's not for me, it's for Camille!
- But she doesn't want to see you! - I don't care, I have a son!
And you know why she doesn't want to see you?
I don't care. I want to see my son!
- Ok, we will see that in Paris. - I want her address, now!
I don't have it, Madeleine does!
I warn you, if you don't give me her address,
I will call the tax and I'll give you to the... the thing there... the auditor.
What?!
What "What"?! Have you seen your bookkeeping?!
That's some cover-up!
But you, you work undeclared!
Yeah, I forgot that. On top of the auditor,
I'll send you the labor inspectors!
You're in deep shit, uh!
Yeah, I knew you weren't a man for her!
- Leave that shit! - Shut the fuck up!
I don't work for free!
Don't think I'm a boy scout! That's enough now.
Aix-en-Provence! Well, I could have searched for a while!
Ah, what a couple you are!
She really did get into a nice mess, my daughter, yeah!
I'll tell you something René: You were a pain in her ass for twenty years!
That's enough now!
She is not your daughter anymore; she is my wife!
You don't even wear your ring!
Come on, buzz off!
- Where do we drop him? - Huh?
- Where do we drop him? - Porte De la Chapelle.
Have you seen the ring road?
Why don't you go through Paris? I can show you a shortcut
that will save you half an hour!
North station, Châtelet, Denfert-Rochereau, and then highway A6.
There is an ashtray here.
- Can I offer you a drink? - Sure!
Charlie, my best friend!
Robert, my favorite girlfriend! How are you, my chick?
- Not bad, buddy, and you? - I am good.
- Guys, what are you drinking? - A Perrier with a slice.
- I will take a beer. - Yes.
- Are we eating together? - No we can't, we're in a hurry.
It's on me! Robert, can you give them a table?
- No, no... - Count on me!
Yes! I'll go to my place. I'll be back in 5 minutes!
Well... Anyway, we have to eat!
Can I make a call, please?
Yes, go right, then left after the bar.
Thank you.
- You're Ok? - Yes.
Watch out, it's not dry!
Go on the right. No on the right!
Eh, that's not my right; this is my left!
On your left.
- Where do I go now? - Straight on. And here you jump.
- Did you draw your dole yet? - No, not yet, it's driving me nuts!
Don't worry, it will be really nice when it's done.
When it's done?! I am not doing the ceiling.
Ah, not the ceiling!
- You'll tell me how much I owe you. - Ah no, it's on me!
- Ah no! - Yes, yes, yes, yes!
But no, listen, we share the rent, we share the paint.
- How long have you been in the cerulean? -2 days.
- Do you like it? - Ah yes, very much, I really like it..
It's really, really nice; cheerful.
Eh, I'm gonna eat downstairs. Are you coming?
What should I order for you?
- Pork ribs? - No, no.
- Steak? - Ah, no.
- Forkbeard fillet? - No.
Go fuck yourself!
The day after I began to have some leaks, so I thought that was it.
You see by the mucus,
as they are irritated,they get less sensitive.
When I was in Lille, I was 19 at best,
I had a blue spot on my... on my stuff.
So I ran to the hospital,
the nurse scrubbed it with some gauze and told me:
"Syphilis. Get up on the 5th floor. 14 months of cyanide and penicillin."
You imagine that?
You're nuts! When I was your age, syphilis, it lasted for 7 years!
That guy, his life was fucked! 7 years without a shag?!
You couldn't fuck for 14 months?
No, after 15 days you can.
Well, I was lucky, I just broke my pecker with Marie.
I was dripping blood. I thought she had her monthly.
What actually happened was that my tendon was sliced!
There was blood all other the sheets.
Me, it was very different. It's really personal.
I prefer not talk about it. It's very special, well...
It annoys me.
You're not the kind of guy who belches!
I do belch, but when I do, I don't know why,
I'm lucky enough to have my hand in front of my mouth.
Yeah? And when you fart, you put your hand in front of your ass?
Sit down.
Won't you kiss me?
Come on!
You old bastard!
I don't want to cheat on Julien.
You are damned gorgeous these days!
It's true!
I heard you're quite the womanizer!
I am jealous, I swear!
Still, I never flirted when we were together.
I've always been faithful.
It's true, you are as faithful as your dad!
Here it is.
You didn't break it?
I am sure you took naked pics with it.
You haven't changed.
No, but since we took a lot of pictures together...
Maybe you did want it.
Maybe he took some pictures.
Is he a good photographer, your Parisian?
Did you open your legs?
And you, you're not a fag yet?
Come on, listen... I fucked you for 4 years!
Ah yes, I fucked you for 4 years!
For 4 years I fucked you!
What's going on, kid?
You can plug the phone?
What is it, still wanna talk to your muse? Hold on, I'll connect you.
- Do you mind? - You're gonna get eaten, Daniel!
You have been moaning for three months; you're making me depressed!
You do nothing, you don't move, nothing changes!
I can't do anything, Charles!
- Do you trust me? - No.
So, listen to me.
You remember?
Can you walk me to the subway?
I can't uh...
"Lamonlarmonlarmondi."
Stop it!
-"Lamonlarmonlarmondi". - Oh please, stop!
If you still love me a bit, stop! Stop, now you're charming me. I can't bear that!
We didn't change, my Toto, and we will never change!
If you pass by, when you're in Paris, give me a call.
I am sure you won't call!
You'll do that on purpose.
- Don't you say "goodbye"? - Yes.
Goodbye, Charlotte!
- Good bye! - Don't be sad.
Have some faith.
- How was it? - She gave me back the camera.
We have to go Philippe! We'll tell them "good bye" and then go!
We are in a hurry! Good bye!
- Ciao! - Thank you!
- For? - For the meal!
Oh no, that's nothing!
Will you allow us to leave?
You can go, we're ready.
I am sorry, it's two of us leaving, not four!
Ah, I am not so sure about that...
Maybe you want us to drop you somewhere?
- Ah, he did understand. - Where?
We are not sure...
Ok, let's go for Aix-en-Provence!
Seriously, we are leaving.
He is right. Seriously, we're going!
It's not funny anymore, it's serious.
But I am very serious!
But me, I am really, really nervous.
Me, I am really, really mean.
Do we have to fight to get you out of the car?
All right.
She could have come to kiss me, Charlotte!
I'll buy you coffee!
Four coffees, please.
Do you have change?
Hello?
Marie, did I wake you up?
Yes, you woke me up.
What were you doing? I have been trying to call you for 2 days at least!
But I was not here!
Ah you were not there! That's all you have to say?!
Well no. I was not here... I was not here.
But what were you doing.
Don't you want to call me tomorrow, or a bit later, or another day, please?
Because I am really tired right now.
I am really tired. I have to wake up early tomorrow.
- Are you kidding me?! - Oh don't shout.
- No, but you're really kidding me! - Don't shout or I'll hang up now!
So it's over.
Listen, I thought that...
I thought we said it was over. It was agreed.
It's over, we don't see each other anymore, or what?
Listen, I am really unwell here. I am on the highway with Charles.
I don't even know what I'm doing here.
I don't have a dime!
Shit, there you go complaining again.
Really...
The day you stop thinking you're a victim!
Dude, you're not the only one with problems.
Shit happens to me, too. It happens to everyone!
Just look around you!
Can you give me a glass of water please!
Thank you.
Don't you have Aspirin tablets?
Thanks a lot!
And a teaspoon too, that'd be nice.
And superfine sugar.
Are you crazy? Do you want me to hit you?!
Go ahead!
For your information, this car is not mine!
The thing is, I am just a car driver! I am just like you!
I am working like you, and you attack me!
Do you want me to tell why I hit your car, asshole?
Because you are leaving with my IDs!
It's true, it's not fair. We will give him his IDs back; we will give them to him!
Here, here they are!
- Don't touch me! - You are happy now, you have your IDs!
Listen Daniel, don't do anything stupid!
Stop behaving like an ass; it's really no use.
No use.
Daniel?
Hello?
Daniel!
There are 4 coffees to pay for, sir.
Who is gonna pay for those coffees?
I am not the one to pay, and anyway, your coffee sucks!
Oh really, this is the height of humor here!
Not only do you not pay for your coffees and you push me,
but you disrespect the waiter as well!
Eat your croque-monsieur and give me a break! Don't meddle in my business!
Have some respect! Have some respect uh!!
Well, gentlemen, what's going on here? Roland what's the problem?
This young man has 4 coffees to pay for. His friends are in the big car in front.
- I don't understand... - Perfectly, sir, I did witness it!
- Me too! - Calm down. You calm down, too!
I'll be right back, Roland.
You are going to pay for your coffees!
So, who will pay for the coffees here?
You don't move?
No, I won't move.
It's OK, you're not afraid?
You can run me over. I've got balls of steel!
So, that's all well, but who's gonna pay for the coffees?
- Pay What? - The unpaid coffees inside!
Listen, Claude, didn't you invite us for a coffee? You have to pay now!
All right, sorry, I had forgotten; I will pay.
Apologies, apologies, that's a bit easy!
So you pay your coffees and get lost. Otherwise I'll call the police!
Stop it!
But stop!
Piss off!
Get the heck out of here!
I'll stop at the first motel!
I suppose you have your lil-little bed and your qui-quilt,
and your little wife-fe!
In Li-Lille!
In the no-Nord!
Philippe, do we pick a room with two beds?
You pay, as your expenses are covered.
Yes. Yes.
What is he doing?!
Are you looking for a motel or a mortal?
Be nice, and keep the noise down, because we're already in bed!
Good night, we didn't see each other.
And most of all, don't forget the pastries tomorrow morning.
Thank you.
This one is full, we'll go to the next one.
Hey, hey! That's dangerous Daniel!
Leave me alone!
Are you nuts? You're scaring me!
Take it.
Thank you! Put it here.
Please!
That is my shirt!
There is no lock.
There is no paper.
- So you can stay a bit in front? - All right.
Eh, you know the story of the guy who wants to buy a privy?
- A privy? - Yes, a toilet.
Very, very cute!
She is my sister!
I wouldn't mind playing a joke on her!
That's strange, I thought you had a problem with a girl.
- I suppose. - How do you suppose?
I don't know... You didn't seem well.
Are you crazy, it's a girl I'm currently with!
Really?
Nice, really nice. She's glued to me!
And you keep her picture?
That one. I got her all mechanized, the poor little thing!
- I keep her in check just like that! - Ah sure...
I love breakfasts. I quite rarely take one. Only when I am on a trip.
What about you, do you like breakfasts?
Yeah.
And what about having an English breakfast?
Well, I'm not hungry!
Oh, but why? We could...
We could order scrambled eggs... Uh...
Little coffees, some juice,
Good toasts all coated with marmalade! Huh?
Eh, do you know how much a little coffee, a juice,
and toasts all coated with marmalade costs?
14 francs, it's not that expensive!
Yes, but I don't have those 14 bits!
I have 23 francs left in all!
- That's all?
Yes! Yes, to come down South and come back with my buddy Daniel.
That's a joke!
You have absolutely no money with you?!
Don't let it waste your appetite, huh!
I'm broke!
Ah, that's funny!
I'm broke!
That's easy, coming to the table and bothering us!
I didn't ask you anything. I want a coffee, a buttered toast, and that's all!
We can get up if you want!
I am not even hungry anymore now!
You can do your pecking in front of us.
So, do we order those English breakfasts?
I am having my eggs with bacon, my orange juice, my tea with milk, and my toast!
Him, he is not bothered at all!
We will share! We will give them a little!
But I told you, I cannot give you any money for the trip.
- Why are you saying that to us? - Just like that...
Can you invite me and offer me... a little cup of chocolate for instance?
I'll buy it! I can offer it to you if you want!
So both of you are not working?
- You don't earn money? - Of course we earn money!
But, where is it? Where is it?
"But where is it?" Moron!
I left on Saturday. I didn't expect to leave!
The bank is closed, and I don't have a checkbook or cash anymore. That's all!
Well listen, I am pleased to invite you.
That's ridiculous, you won't spend your dough like that!
- Yes, yes! -Well, listen... If you have such an itch...
OK, I'll be right back.
- You can order, eh? - Yeah, yeah.
I am not really hungry but I would like... A good little chocolate...
And with little toasts, and with orange marmalade.
And a little sauerkraut!
The countryside is beautiful!
And from my room... it is even more beautiful!
Er, I'll say it right now. I need money.
I had some in this pocket, you see, and I lost the banknotes when I bent over.
So I strip naked in front of you, have a shower, you don't touch me, that's all!
Do you believe me about the money?
Even if it is not true, I am glad to see you.
That's perfect!
Thank you.
So, is that breakfast coming?
You check the exit.
It's not coming?
Hmm... no.
That's strange, because when you stood up I really felt like pissing.
- Oh yeah? - Yeah.
Scissors for the nose hairs!
Would you please stop staring?
Hello Mister.
- Fill up with Super. - Yes.
OK, we will be defecating.
- They are a bit of a burden. - They are so gross, you mean!
Maybe they are trying to challenge us.
Do you think they are good friends?
They are weird, yes. I wonder if they like each other that much.
Haven't you seen his wallet?
Why? It's empty?
No, it's made of plastic!
The car, too!
Take that!
You dummy!
The other one really seems to have troubles!
He is completely nuts, yes!
Though I would have wanted to help him.
He is a dropout, completely wrecked!
It's true, he seems like a kid.
Come on, don't pretend you only wore it once!
You wore the blue one with yellow stripes twice, and the blue one once!
Don't screw with me!
I wore the blue one once, that's all!
I swear it on my life!
Come on, you mean on your arse, not on your life!
OK take a look!
Let me see it!
I am telling you, I hate... I really can't bear when you wear my undies!
What I? I bought that one at the flea market one week ago. It is not yours!
I find the blonde one is a bit...
- You think so? - Ah for sure!
The other one... I wonder if he is not taking some drugs...
Ah, I really don't care about that!
No, he doesn't take drugs; he doesn't take drugs.
- Poor guy! - You really disappoint me.
And so?! Don't I smoke?! Am I dumb? Do I smell of benzine?
You really have some nerves!
You suck, cause I was really feeling good; I was feeling so good...
- Yeah, you were high. - You really scared me, man!
You were high, yeah. I scared you! You shouldn't wear my undies, that's all!
Come, get into the car!
- Now we have just enough time. Come, get into the car! -No!
No?
If I had known, I would have gone alone!
If you had your wife with you, you would have never picked me up.
Ah... Now you really sadden me.
Eh... You were so much better when you were alone.
Now you are a zombie!
Yes, but I am happy!
There is no morning, my little bro,
where I don't wake up without thinking that I am happy!
I go to the mass at Milly-Lamartine.
Ah, you go to the mass at Milly-Lamartine?
Yes, yes, he goes to the mass at Milly-Lamartine.
This is where Lamartine spent his childhood.
"Inanimate objects, have you then a soul,
which binds to our soul, and compels it to love?"
"Gift of the tourist information center of Mâcon. 1948."
When I was young, that's where I spent my holidays. In that house here.
Oh boy, that's stylish!
That was coquettish!
Goodbye, Madam!
Eh, listen:
"Soon a foreigner, unknown from this village,
will come, gold in his hand, and seize the lands."
- Not bad! - That's good!
Soon a foreigner...
- Damn, the choir! - Stranger, stranger.
Unknown from this village...
Will come, gold in his hand...
And seize the lands.
The body of Christ.
"The Lord loved us as we have never loved."
"He guides us every day like a star in the night."
"When we share the bread, He gives us his love."
"This is the bread of friendship, the bread of God."
The body of Christ.
"This is my body, take and eat."
"This is my blood, take and drink."
"Because I am life and because I am love."
"O Lord, take us in your love."
Eh, the priest told you you have to shut up!
The body of Christ.
But I don't care about the Church!
I believe in soul!
What you don't understand is that some people have faith!
Faith in what? What is that, faith?
What is it, what is it! But you don't have it my poor Daniel!
Me? I can have faith! I can love wine!
I have faith in wine!
Eh oh! Me too!
I laugh upon people who believe in God and don't believe so much in man.
But believing in God is believing in man!
- So I'm God? - Of course you are God!
So say you believe in me! But don't talk about God!
I believe in you, that's it. I believe in you.
When one indulges in taking some time with me,
one does very fast realize I am a god, isn't that right?
"I don't believe in Elvis."
You get your ass on the ground, one evening of a full moon,
when the sky is clear,
and you look at the stars.
That's when one discovers the infinite.
He has such calves, Klouk. Come on, look at it; he has amazing calves!
No, really that's true! You have gorgeous calves!
Oh yes, you have amazing hairs! You have very soft skin.
Very soft skin, and very tanned! One wonders how he manages to have it!
My skin is always tanned.
It's wonderful to massage the calves of a guy!
Who wants a little treat?
This is for you Klouk!
- You want some? - No thank you, no.
There are flies everywhere, eh!
- What did you say? - There are flies everywhere.
Oh yes, yes, yes! It's a feast for the flies!
He wiped my back, and gave me100 francs again.
So I really couldn't, in such a situation...
Refuse to fuck him with a handful of thick salt!
Absolutely! Just to be honest!
What I love, Charles, is to come! In anything, in any ass!
- And at any price. - This, I would not do again.
I will tell you... In any way, one leads his cock the way he likes, huh?
Anyway, it's really arousing to get paid, you know.
Certainly.
Uh?
Do we let him drive?
- Who, Klouk? - Oh, yes.
Don't get out of the car. I'm reversing!
They're kids, eh!
- Hurry up! - I can't start the car, shit!
Assholes!
You need 150 grams of sugar, 150 grams of flour,
6 full eggs,
50 grams of butter.
You mix with your whisk until the dough forms a ribbon.
And then, you add the gram of ramzi.
The ramzi?
Yes, the ramzi. Because the ramzi lightens...
the... The dough.
- Don't you have trouble to digest? - No.
No?
What did we eat? Sausage, bananas.
Maybe it's the smell of the egg. No? Does the smell of the egg disturb you?
Huh?
Indeed, he is very pale.
He is really pale, eh?
Eh?
- Philippe. - Yeah?
What's happening to you?
Eh, why are you laughing?
We're not laughing. We're smiling because your friend swallowed a whole minefield.
Yeah, what's a minefield?
We have put a poquito of hash in his dessert.
It's no big deal.
Yeah, it's no big deal, eh!
- It's no big deal. - Yeah yeah...
Bunch of assholes!
You are assholes, that's it!
Shut the door!
I am cold.
I feel like I have two hands in my head
of fire. I am cold.
Don't worry, the hash, it's not dangerous.
No, it's not dangerous!
Yes, it's dangerous!
It's not deadly, it's not dangerous.
You don't know what can happen to me. You are totally in... I am cold!
But listen, you are cold because you are stressing out.
Don't worry, Klouk, after 5 minutes it will be over.
You will feel real good. You're gonna be high!
No, no, no, no, don't talk rubbish. I am very... I am very bad. Look, I am cold.
No, you feel like you are cold. You are not cold!
- Do you want us to tell you a story? - Yes, yes, tell me...
- Imagine! - Yes.
- You are naked. - Yes.
In the water. You swim in the water.
The water is transparent, lukewarm.
- You are good, it's fine? - Oh yes, I am good. Go on.
- Watch out! - What?
- A shark! - Stop! Don't screw it guys!
You suck, Daniel. Come on... Your are going to freak him out!
No, no, don't mess around guys!
Be a bit serious... Come on.
- OK, give me your little hands here! - No!
All right, there is no shark; it's over.
Give me your little hands and I will tell you a story. So here it is...
- You are in the water. - Yes.
- Pure, lukewarm. - Yes.
You swim, you are moving in the turquoise blue element.
- Feeling good? - Yes, yes, very good.
So, here it is. And, you have... To enjoy the water...
- Your mouth half-open. - Yes.
And then... You swallow a jellyfish!
That's gross!
OK, there is no jellyfish!
Come on, don't you worry, toots. Look...
Charles, he is going to give you a flower.
Look at the little flower Charles is giving you.
No, no, no Stop! Stop it, I feel bad!
I am very bad here!
I am a wreck, guys!
I am going to die
Philippe...
This damn car is such crap to drive!
Old France, weighed down with history,
prostrated by wars and revolutions,
endlessly vacillating from greatness to decline,
but revived, century after century
"by the genius of renewal!"
- That's it. - Isn't it, huh?
"You tell me you love the flowers and then you cut their stems..."
When you tell me you love me, I am afraid!
Aren't you bothered that my nose stands so close to your feet?
Because if you do, I could move my nose.
"Queen of the idiots."
It really fits you that you're reading "Queen of the idiots"!
It really pisses you off that I said that, eh?
Eh? That get on your tits, huh?
Eh, you can't answer!
Eh, you don't realise, Klouk!
Cool! Charles. Cool!
Hello, yes?
Yes... Ah, I... I was expecting this.
Yes, Mister Lambert, yes!
Well listen, no. No, I went out for a pee.
I went out for a pee. And I even took the opportunity to do a black guy.
So that is why I was not here.
No, I'm telling you, I went out for a pee.
And took the opportunity to do a black guy, Mister Lambert.
I went for a poo, if you like it better.
I am much better now.
So it is.
Oh no, I... I am not the one driving. But I am being transported, my friend
I am being transported. Don't believe I would have done any effort
to bring down your car!
That is... That is one of my sweeties... who is driving us.
And I'm flying and I'm flying!
And I... Ah, ah, you find that crazy.
But, life is crazy!
Yes!
Yes, but no... Don't get all upset... No... Don't get all... No...
Listen, if it doesn't arrive on time, I will cut my mustache. All right?
So, well, listen, I-I am leaving you, because there is still much to drive.
So that's it... And... I wanted to tell you...
About, about the little black guy...
I am doing a little yellow guy... All over you!
But don't worry that much about the car, eh? It will be here on time, dude...
My poo' little Bertie.
OK, good bye, baby Bertie!
I can't drive!
Fill 'er up with super, please!
It's just behind, there.
Miss, I would like to make a call please.
- Yes, where to, sir? - To Aix-en-Provence.
- That is straight. Take the phone please. - Here? Thank you.
Hello?
Hello. Could I talk to Camille, please?
From her husband. Thank you.
Hello? Camille?
Hi.
It's me.
The one and only.
Yeah.
Not bad, how about you?
A mattress, eh!
Yeah. Yes, well, I am not far from Aix here; pretty close.
I am passing by. Tell me, I want to see the kid. Is it possible?
Huh?
What?
Yeah, well he still needs to see me!
Yeah, well listen, Camille, this is what you think.
Allow me to think differently, huh?
Ah yeah, that's it. I am banned from home so... Huh? That's it.
That you don't give a shit, I don't care, Camille!
Do you hear me?
Anyway I am coming by! Good bye!
- How much do I owe you, Miss? -4 francs, sir.
Thank you. Here it is, sir.
If you want I can lend you "The Queen of the Idiots".
Well, it's not time to mess with me, my dear Daniel!
Be careful with me, eh!
You don't scare me!
And I'd advise you to be scared!
If you have problems with your wife, it's not my fault!
- Excuse me, how much is one unit for Paris? -8 francs.
-8 francs? - Yes.
It smells like eggs in the car. Do you have some chickens?
There is no chicken!
Klouk.
Can you give me a cloth please?
- Klouk. - Yes.
Can you lend me 5 francs?
- I'll do it! - Uh... No, no, I'm good.
What for? You want cigarettes?
You want a drink?
- No, I want to go back to Paris. - Right now?
Right now.
- Thank you. - Sorry.
You want to leave us? To let us down?
Will you lend them to me or not?!
Take it.
Here! I give this as a pledge. All right?
I give them to you!
Thank you.
But you stay!
It's a fake one.
It bothers me. I would like him to pee!
I forgot his dish, so I am afraid he'll pee on me in the car.
- What's his name? - Fifi.
He is a kind one. Fifi! Oh la la!
He is very kind!
Fifi! Come on, hurry up because I also want to pee, come on!
Come on, hurry, so we can...
Ah, but he seems very nervous. It's because of the road, no?
The resigned merchant was managing his little shop.
He was joining the party.
The 80 papuans seeing his turmoil,
when, all pale, he yelled:
The elected that got drunk everywhere.
I am bobottom, I have seen the wolves, the holes...
They are not all sharp. I am so deceived. They are like ours at home!
I thought they all have strange shapes,
"The shape of a spear or of a blowtorch..."
- Want a nougat from Montélimar? - No.
Really?
Really.
We have much better ones at home...
That's quite a craze, of all the crazes, to always want what we don't have!"
- Good evening. - Good evening.
The limousine of Mister Philippe is here.
Very well, Joseph, have you checked everything?
- Yes. Everything is ready. - Perfect!
I give you two minutes to finish your little conversation.
Oh, thank you, Jospeh!
- Good evening. - Good evening.
No thanks. Was it expensive?
Just 5 francs.
Yeah... You have money, huh?
Well, I wish you a pleasant journey!
- Good bye! - Good bye!
The other night I was sleeping with a friend...
I was drunk and she was sick.
Her stomach was upset.
So I wanted to shag her, but I couldn't shag her
because she was in such a state!
So... I jerked off.
And I was so drunk, that I fell asleep while jerking off!
I swear it!
One day, I fell asleep while shagging!
I was a bit tired. I took her from behind, and I started to snore on top of her!
It's wonderful when you stay inside of a girl.
And you fall asleep. It's wonderful because your boner is slowly retracting.
And if the girl sneezes, your dick gets out!
This guy is nuts!
Look at the way you laugh, Klouk!
Nutty!
Klouk! Are you dirty during sexual intercourse?
Oh, I can be.
I don't imagine you.
Because I am keeping the mystery...
I don't see you saying: "Lift your ass, bitch, and get it on the table!"
You never got a girl from behind on an armchair!
- From behind? - Yes, from behind on an armchair!
You grab her calf and make love to her.
You get on the stool, you come behind.
- On the stool? - Yes.
You stand up, and you make love to her. You make love to her...
"So bitch? You're good? Don't move, you have that 35!"
Yes, oh, it's true. I don't know... It's true I fantasize. I fantasize...
There is a position, no kidding guys which, is really good. I love doing it.
I think I do it pretty well.
I take the girl in my arms, and I let her fall her on my cock!
I drop her onto my cock!
How?
Well I take her thighs like this in my arms. She is against me, here.
- Sitting? - Of course! I am standing and she sits!
And Pffall!
Like a bell, I knock her!
You're hurting her!
But what really excites me the most, you see... It's...
From behind, in a very simple way:
The bottom sightly raising.
Oh, this is good!
I can't fuck this way!
It makes me come right away!
Me too!
When a girl is lifting her ass,
holding her pussy out from behind,
and she has to stretch her pussy out!
And you fondle her breast!
Shit!
That's the way you make kids, huh?
Don't you have kids?
- Me? - Yeah.
No.
Don't you like kids?
I like, but I can't have any.
Are your tubes shut?
I had a sperm spermiogram done, my fertility is at 0%.
I will never have kids!
Show the pictures of your kid. You are dying to!
Not at all!
You're lame!
Ok, since you insist guys,
I will show the pictures of my child.
He is not too nasty, huh? Watch.
Take it, Klouk.
- I don't know that one; is it new? - Yes.
He is 42 km away. You take the first right,
then take the road of Cadenet and we'll be there!
Ah no, after this thing with Lambert, I just can't arrive late.
I have to make up for it.
- I'll give you 15 minutes, no more! - Yeah.
- No need to bother, Daniel! - Why?
You know very well you never liked Camille.
OK, go!
Are you coming, Philippe?
Are you coming?
- Tell me, are my jeans dirty? - No, they're fine.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah.
- And behind? - Immaculate!
But you have some zit on your nose here.
- Where? - Here on the right.
- Here? - Yes, here!
You are kidding me! Idiot...
- Hello. - Hello.
I've come for Camille.
- She is here? - No.
Ah, she is not here.
She is not here, and we cannot call her.
And all this? Isn't it?
Listen, I don't know you, but you will tell Camille that
the next time she does such a thing, she will remember it, eh?
This is for my son.
You put it in his room. At the end of the corridor.
Camille is tired.
She's going to bed.
Are you coming, Jean-Loup?
Do you realise!
- Are you Jean-Loup? - No, I am Marc.
Take, this is for my son.
And about Camille, she will have to work. I stopped working with her father.
You will understand I couldn't keep this money.
Yeah.
Bye!
Daniel!
He is not here?
Daniel!
Well, he went that way.
Get in, we'll pick him up on the way.
Daniel!
Were you scared?
You're such scum!
Shut up!
Nice curve.
Oh, my baby!
- Are you OK? - Yes.
Hello.
- Jean-Loup. - Charles.
Come look, these are my friends. This is Philippe.
- Hello. - Hello.
This is Daniel. You know Daniel.
- Hi. - Hello.
- Hello.
Come here, take a look at the car.
It's beautiful!
- Daddy's car is awesome, eh? - Yes.
It's American. All automatic!
I slipped!
Here, look!
It's not that bad.
It's funny, huh?
Well, you arrived a bit early; not your luck!
Because we are a bit late.
Why do you say that?
I say that because you cleared off.
Not at all, I went shopping with Jean-Loup.
Igloo!
Well, I am a bit annoyed, because
my friend Philippe and I... We kinda trashed your room.
Well... the room you share with him.
- And you call that "loving me"? - No...
I call that "definitely stopping to love you".
By the way, Dahomey...
We evaluated the damages.
Around 200 francs for the bed,
200 francs for the magnetic tapes. You know...
And 200 for the perfume and lampshade.
I don't want your money.
So I will give it to Jean-Loup.
Stop, not in front of the child. You know what would happen.
Well then, I am going to celebrate with my big baby.
How?
Do you allow me to bring him along?
I didn't do 800 km for nothing!
But he didn't eat! And...
I have to give him a bath and he is barely clothed.
He won't be cold.
Besides, his sleep is bad and I give him syrup at night...
Which proves he is very happy, huh?
Which only proves he is a bit nervous.
Are we going?
Yes.
Daddy, I want Mum in the car!
No my baby, Mum is not going in the car.
Asshole! It's so easy!
Not easy!
Charles, I have no time to take him for a ride.
We are not taking him for a ride.
In half an hour I have to be at Lambert.
Then let's hurry up.
It's fun.
- Wanna bite mine? - Yes.
Come on!
He is not disgusted! Ouch!
He's really hurting me!
Your kid is crazy!
Look at my hand! Watch this!
Come, bite me! Bite me!
That's crazy!
Just pretend to!
He left such a mark!
Give me your finger!
Watch out, eh! Don't bite your father!
Yeah...
You know whom I am thinking about?
No.
Whom are you thinking of? Mister Bebert?
You idiot!
He really hurts, huh!
Take!
Well... no nougat for you then!
You can't have nougat. Nicolas, no, no nougat!
You can bite the nougat!
Do you want another one?
Give, I will suck your finger.
I will put some flour on it.
Ah! I got you here!
No, no, it's over now!
Ah, he is gone!
Your dad is so funny!
Hello, yes, hold on. I just saw him pass by. Just hold on.
Charles, it's for you.
Hello, yes? What is it?
Ah, it's not possible, there is too much wind.
I can't hear nothing! Goodbye Mister!
So... one time I wanted to pee,
and the skin of my birdie was stuck in the zipper!
What?!
The skin of my bird was stuck in the zipper!
But when was that?
Here, those weeks...
- One or two weeks ago? - Yeah.
- With Mum? - Yeah.
And what did Mum do?
So Mum went to the doctor.
And the doctor wanted to do an injection close to my bird.
But I didn't want, so mum told the doctor we'd go to the hospital.
So we were there.
And the nurses took scissors to cut the zipper.
And I thought that... That...
So you remained with the zipper on your bird?
No. And I thought they would cut the tip of my bird!
Give me a receipt please!
Here!
Daddy, I am cold.
Congratulations!
It is 5 o'clock!
Mister Bébert.
Say "Mister Bébert"!
Say: "I am keeping my mustache, Mister Bébert"!
You don't understand?
Or if you prefer:
"I am keeping my mustache, Mister covered with yellow".
You still don't get it?!
Your boss will explain it to you.
If you can joke easily, certainly, you will also find work that easily.
Well.
It is clean.
Out!
Go!
Hit the road!
Unemployment...
Daddy, poo!
- What? - Poo!
- You want to poo? - Yes.
Wait, come over here, I will help you.
Stand up.
OK, come here!
- Are you done? - Yes.
Shit, don't you have? Don't you have paper...
Don't move! Leave that! Here, it's good.
Very well!
Fine.
You are all clean now. Stand up!
- Here. Do you feel better? - Yes.
Good.
- Where is Mum? - What?
- Where is Mum? - Mum is at home, my baby.
Ah...
- With Jean-Loup? - Yes, my baby, with Jean-Loup.
What are you doing? Our train is in 45 minutes.
Yes, we will go, to Mummy!
I want my mum...
- What? - Let's go to Mum's.
But I told you we are going!
We'll go to Mum's!
I told you we are going, Nicolas! And now stop sobbing!
"Ready for departure!"
Take it please!
It's a locomotive.
"Platform number 1 get on board! Ready for departure!"
- His kid is so beautiful! - Yeah.
I would do 8 like this one!
But you can adopt one, Joseph!
Yeah, but I want a big balloon!
She wants a big balloon!
It's important to her.
- It's essential! - Yeah.
I would make her give birth!
In a big bed with a man.
We have the choice, we are 4!
Ah, we are 3!
It's true. One of us counts for nothing!
No, but seriously, Joseph, are you kidding or not?
Because would you be able to... To choose one of us like this?!
To give a child to my wife? Yes.
You really surprise me!
If it were you, could you do it?
Well I, I never came to court her...
I couldn't tell if...
- If she would agree or not? - Yes!
It's obvious!
Ah...
Wanna roll a blunt?
You know I don't smoke when I am unwell.
And you know fair well I am not good!
So definitely, give me a break!
You're nice, thank you.
It's no use to fight.
I will manage, I have a plan to find a room.
For the rent I owe you, I will borrow some money and...
You don't mind if I leave my things at your place while I arrange my stuff.
Charles.
- I don't want to wake you up! - No, no, go on.
Would you be able to give a child to a friend's wife?
I would totally be able to shag a friend's wife, yes!
But, about making a child with another guy's wife...
- Why are you asking this? - No, just like that.
Do I get paid or not?
What a jerk!
I find it kind of hard to think of making another child...
when there are 200.000 ones on welfare who are likely miserable!
But if you can't have a child!
But there are some available! Already done!
The girl won't even have to deliver. Isn't it good?
Well, there are women who have the need to deliver!
Right, Klouk?
So you're for that?
It seems indispensable to me!
You want to give birth?
What do you think, Daniel?
I would be very embarrassed to make a child
with a woman if it's not really my child.
You see Klouk, it's quite a mess!
So we meet, right?
You get on top of her...
You know you would not do everything you want to do!
There is no bond, so it's really an awful comedy!
- Yeah, yeah... - Well, yeah!
Anyway, if one of you changes his mind, you can come talk to me.
It's true, you have never seen Agathe!
Ah... Here we are!
The day you see her...
Do you think we will all want to do her?
The three of you together!
And do you have a picture of her?
No, but...
Wait, he just said something important! He said the three of us together!
It's smart because if the three of us do her, we won't have to choose.
It's true, nature will decide for us, guys!
I am in!
What I want, Joseph, you see it's...
It's... a real mating, you see?
Not sentimental, but genuinely tender.
With a gorgeous breakfast in the morning.
OK stop saying shit. I will organize it all for you.
The four of us are going to Fécamp.
I'll prepare a chicken with curry,
we put the lovebirds in the room upstairs; you know the one by the sea...
And if they are too noisy, Klouk, I will play some guitar.