(KIDS CHATTERING)
LISA: It's okay, you're gonna love it!
Happy first day of school.
Bye, sweetie.
Hi! Hi.
Hey, I 'm Sam.
Hi, I'm Julie.
(ALL GIGGLING)
Bye! JULIE: Bye, Mom!
(ALL GIGGLING)
I'm Hunter.
Sam's mine, right there. The one with the glasses.
I'm Lisa. That's my Julie.
I'm Mitchell. (SNIFFLES)
Kayla's hero.
Oh. Are you okay? Yeah, yeah.
You crying?
(VOICE BREAKING) No, man. It's a big day, that's all.
You know, can I have a tissue, please?
Yeah, yeah. Thank you.
It's a big day for all of us. Yeah.
Thanks. (EXHALES)
(SIGHS AND CHUCKLES)
HUNTER: I think our daughters are friends.
And I think that means we're friends.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
Should we go get a drink?
You okay? Yeah. Yeah.
Do you guys wanna go get a drink?
Ah, they made it. (SNIFFLES)
You guys wanna go grab a drink real quick?
Is he asking us if we wanna go grab a drink?
I'm really hoping it's coffee.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(SQUEAKING) (LAUGHS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) (LAUGHS)
Shut the fuck up!
(ALL SQUEALING)
ALL: Happy Halloween!
Assalam!
I can see Russia from my house!
(KIDS SHOUTING EXCITEDLY)
(SQUEALING) (CROWD CHEERING)
That's right! Right here! Whoo!
Hey, hey...
(EXCITED SQUEALING)
Put your seatbelts on!
(EXCITED SQUEALING)
Surprise!
Careful!
(SONG PLAYING ON CELL PHONE)
You're probably gonna miss these mornings that we spend together, right?
Stop.
You're gonna make rne cry, and I don't wanna cry because it's prom night.
It's supposed to be like the most magical night of your life,
and, you know, I'm just so anxious aboutfl.
Well, call me ifyou feel anxious.
Or maybe FaceTime me, if it wasn't too loud.
If it was too loud, you could just... We could wave or whatever.
(CHUCKLES) That'd be funny.
And then, loan...
You know what I was thinking?
You should send me photos throughout the night.
Not like all night long, but if you could do it every 3O minutes or so
then I can put together one of those iBooks.
That would be so fun. Yeah.
That would be a really... I don't think you would regret that.
Hmm.
Mom? Mmm-hmm.
Are you gonna be okay when I go to college?
Who, me? Yeah.
L\/le?
(LAUGHING)
What?
Please. Don't even get me... (LAUGHS)
Don't even...
Please! (LAUGHS)
Okay, bye, Mom!
LISA: Okay, bye!
I love you! Okay, I love you.
MARCIE: Oh, good, you did the laundry.
Yeah, and got a totally sleepy, happy baby.
Full-blown renaissance man.
Oh! Beheveit
It's a good thing she's asleep, too.
I was going through the laundry.
Uh-huh. Found these new thongs.
You know what I'm gonna do with these?
"Paging Dr. Muff Diver. Dr. Muff Diver,
"you're needed in the OR immediately, emergency surgery."
Later on tonight, I'm tearing these off with my teeth
like an old-school cartoon billy goat.
(GRUNTING) Honey. Mitchell.
Those are your daughter's.
(EXCLAIMING)
No way. Kayla wears cleats and Bears jerseys,
not some dirty stripper undenuean
You thought they were mine.
What am I, giving her allowance in singles?
Go tell her she can't wear these.
Tell her they'll make her sterile,
like with the laptop and my brother's balls.
We're not sure that's what happened with your brother.
Honey, you're being ridiculous.
Kayla's becoming a woman.
This isn't the time to tighten your grip. It's the time to loosen it.
This? This means we tighten the grip.
This isn't built for comfort, it's built for speed.
We need to slow her the fuck down.
The appliances go in after the backsplash.
We've done it the same way every time.
(SIGHS)
Uh-huh. All right, put him on the phone.
(KNOCKING)
KAYLA: I'm in the bathroom.
(EXHALES)
(SIGHS)
(VIBRATING)
Thanks, I was looking for that.
You mind telling me what this is?
Uh, fuzz. Yeah.
Yeah, fuzz.
It's what I thought it was and then on further investigation,
it is clearly an unraveled filter of a cigarette.
Kayla, are you a smoker?
What? No.
I'm not a smoker, Dad.
Hey, haven't you seen the billions of ads that tell you not to do this stuff?
Dad! You can't teach someone not to try things. Okay?
That's what trying things is for. To teach you things.
It's a contradiction.
It's like telling me not to go for a triple on a base hit to the gap
when I've made a good turn around first
and I know that the right fielder has a weak arm.
Damn it, you're smart.
Okay. Yeah. All right. Time to get ready for school, Dad.
Okay, all right.
Julie! Sam!
Hey, girl!
(TIRES SCREECHING) Whoa!
(LAUGHING)
I almost died.
Prom night! (ALL LAUGHING)
I'm so, so excited!
KAYLAI Me, tOO.
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
Mmm. I love you.
I love you, too.
All right.
We're so gross. I know.
People are looking at us. I don't care.
We better get "Cutest Couple" in the yearbook.
I'm having sex.
That's great! I'm having soup. (SLURPS)
No. Tonight.
With Austin.
Wait, you're finally gonna do it? Yeah.
I mean, you know, we've been dating for six months and we love each other
and I just awkwardly got my pediatrician to put me on birth control.
But she gave me a sticker. (CHUCKLES)
Two because I was good, so...
I know it's kind of corny or whatever but it just seems like prom night,
it's kind of perfect, you know?
We're gonna have, like, dim lighting
and rose petals on the bed
and the scent from that candle that gets me horny
every time I pass it in Walgreens.
All candles get me horny.
JULIE: I'm gonna look into Austin's eyes
and then he's gonna look into mine
and then we're gonna touch each other's faces, you know?
For, like, a long time.
Like, a long time.
Just to, like, connect. And then we're gonna...
Kapow.
All right, fuck it, I'm in.
What? KAYLAI I'm in.
I'm having sex tonight, too.
Uh... (CHUCKLES) Just like that?
Yeah. I mean, why not?
Because it's your first time
and your first time should be special and perfect.
Yours can be special and perfect.
Mine is gonna be tonight, and with that dude.
They're just brownies, they're not, like...
Connor Aldrich? Your lab partner?
Yeah. What? You haven't even hooked up with him.
You haven't even seen his thing yet. What if he has a weird one?
They're all weird.
Penises are not for looking at, they're for use.
They're like plungers. Listen,
my student athlete days are over.
Tonight is the beginning of my adult life
and for the first time I can do whatever I want.
So I wanna go to prom, getdrunk, get potted up on weed
andlose my goddamn virginity.
We're gonna have the same first-time sex anniversary.
We can go to dinner every year and commemorate it.
Olive Garden. Yes! Olive Garden.
Breadsticks for life, bitch!
Oh, my God! It is gonna be such a relief
to get this over and done with before college.
Um...
No, I mean, like... No, it's cool.
I just don't think I'm there yet.
You know, maybe something might happen tonight with me and Chad,
but I don't think sex is gonna be that thing.
(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Sam?
(CHUCKLES) But you never know what could happen.
I mean, maybe my inner sexual Smaug will emerge from its keep
and spread its mighty wings.
I never know what you're talking about.
Yeah, me neither. (SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Oh...
(LAUGHS)
LISA: Julie, is that you?
S0 realistic.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
Ugh.
BRENDA: Come on, Sam, we're waiting.
Be right there!
All right. There she is.
Took me 2O minutes to figure out how to do video on this thing
but I finally got it.
(CAMERA CLICKS) Nope.
I took a picture of myself.
Siri, video, please.
Wow! That Chad is going to rip through his little tuxedo pants.
Mom! What?
That's gross. Why?
Because you're practically imagining your daughter in sexual congress.
You sicko.
I was just trying to connect with you. You never talk to us anymore.
Hey, I got this.
Okay.
(SIGHS) Prom night, huh?
I got sad and reflective on my prom night, too.
You were? Yeah.
I was scared I wasn't gonna stay friends
with the guys I had been around most of my life.
But I was able to...
Hey, baby, I love you so much. You just really freaked her out.
Sweetie, if you're worried about that at all, just know you shouldn't be.
You never stay friends with people from high school.
I mean, the oldest friend I have is Jan from work
and I've known her for three months.
Who's Jan?
You know Jan, babe. She draws those silly cartoons.
Oh, racist Jan.
Yeah, that's the one.
Who you are today
is not who you're going to be. And that's okay.
FRANK: That's good therapy. And who you become will be
so different that your friends won't understand you anymore
and then you will wake up and realize
these friendships are over. This feels like a very painful divorce,
just like the one I had with your father,
but then you'll find a Frank.
Uh, I appreciate that, but that's not my deal.
I'm still cool with a lot of my boys because on prom night,
me, Dennis, Matt, and Cory all convinced our friend Steve to join the Army.
He fought in the Persian Gulf War.
He died right away.
(snczns) But once you go through something like that,
you're bonded for life.
The bedrock of deep meaningful friendships is shared experience.
I thought they were gonna put him in the Reserves.
That is some horseshit.
Hmm.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Wow.
You look so beautiful!
(GASPS) Turn around.
Wow. (BOTH LAUGH)
Oh, my goodness.
Wow.
S0 what's the big plan for after prom?
Uh, we're just going to Austin's.
You really like him, huh?
Yeah. Yeah, I mean... Yeah, he's cool. It's not like serious or anything.
His mom told me he got into UCLA.
That's nice.
Yeah, I mean, it's good.
You remember that time when, like, I thought about going to UCLA?
Yes.
That would've been crazy. That would've been the worst mistake ever.
I don't think it would've been that huge of a mistake.
Uh, yes, itwould have. (LAUGHS)
University of Chicago is perfect. It's 45 minutes away.
S0 that way you're gone but you're not gone, gone.
But I'm gone.
Right. But not, like, gone.
Right, but, like, I'm going to college
and, like, I'm not gonna live at home. So I'm, like, I'm gone.
Mmm-hmm.
Why are my boobs so big?
MITCHELL: Ready, Kayla?
KAYLAI Yep.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON CELL PHONE)
And now, standing at 5' 7",
5' 9" ifyou count the heels,
straight out of Great Lakes High School, the prettiest girl in all of prom,
Kayla Mannes.
(WHOOPING)
(LAUGHING)
Oh.
Just high-fives from now on.
Okay.
Oh, honey, I neverthought I'd see you in a dress!
MITCHELL: Technically it's not a full dress.
Some material is missing from the middle there.
MARCIE: Okay.
You look great.
All right, yeah, I think it's time to go.
Yes. Yeah. Honey, we gotta go.
(SNIFFLES)
Honey?
Dad, are you okay?
It's like when he watched Frozen.
Come on.
(SNIFFLES)
LISA: Hi, how are you?
Hi! Hi! How are you?
Hi, Marcie.
(MOUTHING WORDS) Oh. Uh-huh.
Hey! Hey, Mitchell.
Haven't seen you in a while. Yeah.
You know, I was worried when I never heard back from you about hot yoga.
Called you a bunch of times. I ended up having to eat that two-for-one Groupon.
Oh, yeah, I don't really do the hot-yoga thing.
We should catch up, though, right?
Yeah. Like a lunch, I don't know.
Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Give me a call.
I've been calling you. Mmm-hmm.
It doesn't work.
It's not effective.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
(LAPTOP CHIMES)
(VIBRATES)
(LAPTOP CHIMES)
(CHIMING)
(ALL LAUGHING) I don't even know! Wait, you guys.
Wait, this is, like, the best lighting with the Valencia filter...
Oh, God. All right. Here we go.
Yeah, okay. That's enough.
One more. We're good.
Oh, my God, we need to get this party started.
Ooh, okay, Julie. Hmm.
I got you something.
It's coconut oil.
For lube.
I hear it works just as well and it makes blowjobs taste like Almond Joy.
(GASPS) Thank God it doesn't taste like Mounds.
I'd rather eat 10 dicks than one Mound.
Thank you. That's so sweet!
Oh, my God, I'm so excited.
Me, too. You have to text me, like, right away.
Oh, my God, we're gonna be doing it at the same time.
(GASPS) Oh, my God. We have to talk about it tomorrow.
Yeah. You're gonna know every detail.
There's gonna be so much to talk... Guys? Hey, guys!
I want in on this sex pact.
Are you sure? You don't have to do this just because we are.
No, that's not why.
I want to have sex.
Yeah. That's something all three of us have in common.
Mmm-hmm. Chad is gonna tap that ass with his penis
and I doubt we'll have anal the first time, but...
All right!
This is gonna make tonight even more perfect.
Yeah. It's gonna be the three of us!
SAM: Yes! (ALL LAUGH)
HUNTER: Prom night, motherfuckers!
Yeah! (LAUGHS)
Whoo!
Rudy, it's coming up. Turn left, bro.
(EXCLAIMS) Jesus, Rudy! What the fuck?
Oh, my God. It's my fucking dad.
(MILD lvluslc PLAYING ON SPEAKERS) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
HUNTER: Yeah! Prom night, bflchesl
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, God, it's him. Arms up. Yo!
(SINGING) We gonna light it up like it's prom night
Taio Cruz.
Like it's prom night
You got this, girl.
Don't mess this up because that limo is totally awesome.
Sam! Sam!
Taio Cruz. Whoo.
(SQUELCHES)
Sorry.
30W. on! (SIGHS)
Wh00. (CLEARS THROAT)
(SIGHS)
You're so grown up! (CHUCKLES)
Dad, what are you doing here?
You think I'm gonna miss the most important night ofyouryounglfie?
That's graduation.
No. Graduation's for losers.
I didn't even go to my graduation.
But prom night, that's a big one.
Prom was the best night of my life.
I think about it every day
and lwant you to have the same experience.
Tonight you have fun,
you don't worry about any rules that your mom or Frank laid down.
N0 one gives a fuck about Frank.
All I know is this. You look amazing and I would love to grab a quick pic.
No. Go stand with the other parents and try to be normal.
Sam, I'm not a normal parent.
I don't even...
Holy shit, you invited Hunter?
No, of course not.
I haven't talked to him since he and Brenda got divorced.
You know he calls me all the time? What?
He wants to play darts. I don't play darts!
Darts? You kidding me?
Anyway, I can't hang out with him. I'll be guilty by association.
No. No, lwill neverforgive that babysitter fucker.
Hey, Hunter! Hey, man. Good to see you.
What up?
Ah... Ah!
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Did you have another daughter?
I did. I did.
Thank you. It's been wonderful. (LAUGHING) Yeah.
I'm thinking about doing that again. You know, the whole second round?
I think a lot of dads kind of get it right the second time around.
Or, you know, you could just raise the one that you have.
Well, I did. Too late for that. Raised, job done.
Hi, honey. Actually, I heard
if you spend a significant amount of time with your children
that you develop some kind of, like, telekinetic bond with them.
Is that true? I've heard. Mmm-hmm.
I hope it's not true because if it is, Sam has been looking at a lot of Asian porn.
(LISA LAUGHS HESITANTLY)
(LAUGHS) My wife's Asian.
Indian. That's Asian.
This is more like, uh...
It looks like the typical Asian. Yep, good seeing you, man.
Okay, good to see you, brother. You know what I mean.
Who's this guy? Who are you?
Dad, this is my date.
CONNOR: Hi.
Uh, it's great to meet you, sir. I'm... I'm Connor.
Connor and I were in the same science class. We're lab partners.
Yeah. We're working on our chemistry. (LAUGHS)
Uh...
I'm gonna get a napkin, if that's cool.
Okay.
Okay, so, uh... (SIGHS)
With this, it's one shot to the groin, stab, and drag.
I refuse to believe she couldn't do better than that loser.
Oh, I think Chad seems nice.
HUNTER: Chad? No, Chad's amazing. Look at that fedora.
I'm not talking about Chad, I'm talking about fucking Frank.
What a dick.
LISA: Frank does not seem like a dick to me.
He seems like a nice guy. And you know what?
Don't blame Brenda. It's really hard being alone.
HUNTER: Let'sjust agree to disagree on Frank.
Here they come. Okay, just be cool.
He's gonna talk about his tow truck company instantly.
I guarantee you he's gonna throw that shit in my face.
Be cool, be cool, be cool.
(CLEARS THROAT) Brenda. Hunter.
Frank.
Lisa.
What'd I do?
I'm sorry, I don't know why I just said your name like that. This is so nice.
Thank you. You're welcome.
(EXHALES) Okay.
No, no, no. Leese, Leese, Leese.
LISA: I gotta go get Julie's wrap.
HUNTER: Mmm. (SIGHS)
Were you gonna let our daughter take a fucking Lyft to prom?
What is this, Afghanistan?
How'd you pay forthat limo, Hunter?
'Cause I know your credit's in the shitter.
It is.
Because I bought your mom a wheelchair.
She's gonna pay you back.
With what money, Brenda?
Can she pay me back with crackers that she steals from restaurants?
I don't wanna talk about your mom, I don't wanna talk about her wheelohair.
All I care about is that my daughter has the greatest night of her life.
If it was her greatest night, you would not be here.
Oh, what a sick burn. All right, all right, all right.
Good. VVaH, yo, yo, yo, we're all adults here.
Let's not make it uncomfortable.
If you're gonna be around more, let's have a beer sometime.
Okay, first of all, I don't wanna go to have a beer with you.
I don't wanna hang out with you. I don't like you, I don't like your wife.
I don't like your guys' deal. I think it sucks and it's played out.
Hey, ifyou ever change your mind, here's my card.
Ah, here we go.
"Tow with Frank." Where'd you come up with that name?
It's very straightforward. All right, I'll tell you this.
The design of that card is pretty cool.
And my favorite part is right fucking there.
Oh.
BRENDA: Wow, that is just... No, that's us, Frank.
You've taken about 15 goddamn selfies. I got it. I got it.
Yeah! All right.
Bye, Mom.
Have fun, honey. Okay. KAYLA: lwill.
Bye, Dad.
Remember, stab, turn, drag.
I don't have the knife, Dad.
Yes, you do. Check your clutch.
Ugh.
Hey, uh, it's been a pleasure, sir.
I really, um... I'm honored.
(SLAPS HAND) Oh!
Intense, professional grip. Cheers!
Take it easy, big guy. Hey, uh...
You guys have a good night, too, you know.
MARCIE: Thank you.
See that smirk? What was up with that smirk?
You are intense.
HUNTER: Sam. Oh.
Hey! Mr. Lockwood. Hey!
Pleasure to meet you. Chad, yes.
Come on, man. Bring it in. Yes. Good. Yeah.
My hat?
I wanna talk to Sam real quick. Yeah, okay.
Let me get a picture real quick.
Chad. Oh.
Real quick photo. Just, just so fast. Okay.
Don't even fuck with the filter. Just plain.
Here we go. There we go.
And then you wanna get a quick one of rne and Chad real quick?
That sounds cool. Yep. Okay.
Sammy, here you go, baby. Real quick. Just a couple fun ones.
CHAD: Like this?
Bros. (CAMERA CLICKS)
HUNTER: Duck lips.
And then just kind ofa... (CAMERA CLICKING)
Julie. Can I talk to you a second?
JULIE: We gotta go. I love you.
I'd really like to talk to you.
But I really gotta go.
Okay, fine. Just don't forget your wrap.
It's okay. I don't think lneedit
Are you sure?
Because we live in Chicago, and it's chilly.
I don't know about other places,
but it gets cold in Illinois.
It's not that cold tonight, so I don't think I need it, okay?
Okay, Julie, wait.
So you'll call me when you get to Austin's after prom? Right?
Right.
Okay.
I love you.
Okay. I love you.
Okay!
(EXHALES)
(CAR ENGINE STARTS) Okay.
(GIRLS SQUEALING)
(GIRLS CHEERING) CHAD: This is so cool!
(CORK POPS) on!
Blow it out! (ALL WHOOPING)
CONNOR: Chad, I, um, I saw you do Pippin last year.
That was really good.
Yeah, you're a really good singer, man. What are you doing this year?
CHAD: We're actually doing Arnold, which is an all-male version of Annie.
RUDY: Caught you drinking! (LAUGHING)
Just kidding, y'all. I may look like a parent
but I assure you, I am no narc.
Thank you, sir.
Not done yet. Name's Rudy.
I did not go to my prom. No.
My leg was crushed by a cement truck so I could not dance but...
So I've made it my mission in life,
my whole career, to make sure that little kids like you
have a wonderful night to remember forever.
Sojust sit back, relax, and enjoy your prom night.
(ALL LAUGHING) Okay.
RUDY: Oh, fuck, that was the turn! Fuck!
(WATER RUNNING) (DISHES CLATTERING)
MITCHELL: Hey, Leese?
You got any S.O.S. pads?
I'm soaking those pans, but you burnt the shit out of that mac: and cheese.
Sponge just isn't gonna cut it.
Thanks for helping clean up.
Don't mention this one.
I mean, Marcie brought the baby home early and...
I gotta keep busy. I gotta keep my mind off of Kayla and "Connor."
That's not the right way to use those.
'Cause his name is actually Connor. So...
It's okay.
UCLA? Uh-huh.
I didn't mean to snoop, but I'm...
No, no. It's okay.
I mean, I don't think it's a real thing.
She's not actually gonna go.
Ithink shejust applied forfun. She didn't...
Why, have you heard differently?
I would assume it's to go, but she very well could have applied ironically.
I mean, you know millennials, right?
Hmm. Wherever she goes...
You're gonna have a bunch of time on your hands.
You oan figure out what you wanna do for the back nine of your life.
(LAPTOP CHIMING) Uh-huh. Yeah.
I think Julie left her laptop open.
Julie's doing a lot of texting.
Mmm-hmm. Is everything okay?
Maybe we should check to see?
Peace of mind. Yeah.
(CHIMING CONTINUES)
MITCHELL: What the hell is that?
LISA: I have no idea.
(TOILET FLUSHES) (CHIMING CONTINUES)
What are you still doing here?
Hey, your, uh, mac: and cheese is messed up.
(CHIMING CONTINUES)
Are you guys snooping on your kids?
That is not cool.
No, it's not snooping if the information shows up.
That's exactly what snooping is.
No, it's like the Patriot Act.
Well, it's not like the Patriot Act.
It's like snooping.
Okay. We don't know what they're talking about, so...
What? Okay.
Oh, is it like puzzles? Ooh, I love puzzles.
I just saw Inferno.
MITCHELL: Yeah, great. What are they saying?
Okay, so there's something about an eggplant handshake.
Eggplant agreement.
Yeah. They got an agreement to make eggplant Parmesan.
No, eggplants are dicks in teenage emoji language.
What? LISA: You know what, that's true.
Julie told me that the emojis have... They all have secret meanings.
Mmm-hmm. So, like, trees are weed
and snowflakes are cocaine and
that thing is "yas queen."
Yas queen!
What the hell is that? You've never heard of "yas queen"?
MITCHELL: No. All right, grandpa.
Hold on. Julie is making some kind of a dick-related agreement here.
Kayla is in on the agreement.
No fucking way.
Okay, clown face. What the fuck does that mean?
That means she's down to clown.
LISA: Okay. MITCHELL: Three eggplants?
And look at the drool coming out of that smiley face.
You wish that was drool.
That's cum, my man. Stand down!
It is. Look, it's cum. He's, like... (EXCLAIMS)
This is sex if I've ever seen it illustrated in emoji form.
No, no, no. Maybe not. They're best friends. They're just saying,
like, "You're okay with me.
"You're okay to me. You're okay to me." You say that to your friends?
Whenever I see my friends, I go, "Hey! You're okay with me."
I don't use these!
Hold on. Agreement hands, agreement hands,
agreement hands. This is a... It's a sex agreement.
They're making a sex pact. (STAMMERS)
They're gonna lose their virginity on prom night.
That cannot be a sex pact.
That? That is friendship.
And that is the bond of friendship that can never be broken.
I mean, maybe. Yeah.
Oh! Just look, they wrote "Sex Pact 2018."
(BANGS TABLE) I fucking knew it! I love puzzles.
I told you guys. Have you seen Inferno?
Call your kid. Leese, have you seen Inferno?
Have you guys seen Inferno?
I figured it out in two seconds. Did you see Inferno?
The guyjumps off the thing in the beginning. He's got a virus.
Have you seen Inferno with Tom Hanks?
Okay.
Okay, she's not answering herphone. Yeah, Kayla isn't either.
Okay, what the heck is happening?
She's always been honest with me.
She's always told me the truth,
and now I'm just swimming in a pool of lies.
Okay. Here's what's gonna happen.
She's gonna have sex with that Austin kid
and then she's gonna think that she has aflthesefeehngs,
which she does not actually have,
and then she's gonna drive across country
and follow him and ruin her fucking life!
Okay, I think that's a pretty big leap to make when you read a couple...
MITCHELL: I have invested every single piece of my being
into preparing Kayla for success, and now this?
She is about to have sex with some dipshit with a "man bun."
You're not using those in the right way.
Hey, can we all come back to "Planet Earth"?
'Cause this is not a big deal.
They're teenage girls. They have sex.
Do you freak out when you see a bee fucking a flower?
I'm gonna stop her.
I'm in.
Let's cockblock those motherfuckers.
Whoa... (STAMMERS)
No, sir. Uh-uh.
No, no, no, no. I promised Sam the greatest night of her life
and ifyou guys fuck up your daughters' night,
it's gonna fuck up my daughter's night, andthatshHis "notcooL"
I don't give a fuck what's cool with you.
Let's go, Mitchell. I'll drive.
Hey! Hey, hey, wait! No, no, no.
You wanna go?
You got to go through me. (LISA GRUNTS)
Oh, Jesus. Okay, you called my bluff. Wait.
Wait! Hey!
MITCHELL: Get off! Get off of me! Get off! HUNTER: Hey! Hey!
Not cool!
This is "not cool"!
Hey! What's the plan? This is stupid.
Fuck off.
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
What the fuck are you doing?
I just need to talk to my daughter for five minutes.
Get out of the car!
You get out.
You get out! You get out!
Stop saying what I'm saying!
Stop saying what I'm saying. Stop saying what I'm saying!
Stop! Okay. Listen, listen. Hey!
Okay, everyone calm down, calm down.
MITCHELL: The window! No, the window!
Hey! What the fuck! N0!
(GROANING)
Damn, these are new shorts!
Truce, truce!
Truce, truce, truce.
(HORN HONKS) I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!
(YELPS) Oh, my fucking God!
Uh...
I'm sorry, man.
It's not gonna work. You're not Schwarzenegger!
How is that possible?
Oh, shit!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
My balls! My balls!
Your ass is so...
(BOTH GRUNTING)
HUNTER: Hey! Hey! Not cool!
Ah! You're bullying me!
This is bullying! What you're doing is wrong!
You know your daughter's in this stupid sex pact, too.
Yeah, and she's not gonna do anything about it, okay?
Like you would know what your daughter's gonna do.
Okay, first of all, ouch!
Second of all, I know nothing is gonna happen with Sam because...
Because she's gay. (SIGHS)
Really? Did she come out to you?
No, of course not. She barely speaks to me.
Then how do you know? Because, bro,
I'm her dad. And there's just some things you know.
Chad is nothing. He's like a beard.
Or whatever a lesbian beard is. A merkin?
I don't know. The point is,
I guarantee you they don't even kiss, okay?
I'm not worried about that.
I'm worried about you two dicks fucking up her night.
Okay, well, what you don't understand is that
sex can be very confusing for young girls,
and make them say things and do things that they might regret.
Like dropping out of college
to follow around the Dave Matthews Band
with a guy they think they love who then winds up getting them pregnant
and then leaving them
for the girl who makes grilled cheese sandwiches with hash aioli on them.
Yeah, that is a extremely specific scenario
and that won't happen to Julie.
Dave's not even touring right now. He's taking time off for fatherhood.
It was me, you idiot.
Me. That happened to me.
Yeah.
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)
(CAMERA CLICKING) You weren't ready! Okay, one more.
Smile.
I closed my eye.
Oh, my God!
(GASPS) You guys! This is our song!
Do you remember when we got snowed in at Sam's
and we played this like over and over? Yes!
We have to dance! This is ourjam!
(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)
Hey! Hey!
Hey! lwant a drink.
Okay, yeah, let's go get one.
No, no, no, no. Like, a drink.
Oh, you want a drink-drink. Yeah.
Okay, let me call my guy.
Hello, Mr. Drink Drink.
Let's go get fucked up!
Okay.
Kayla, Kayla! Ah.
(some CONTINUES)
(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE)
HeV, Chad!
I'm gonna go get, uh, some dessert.
Get me two!
(LAUGHS)
(some CONTINUES)
Hey, Angelica, it's a nice cape.
Uh, hey, Sam,
thank you.
Um, yeah, it's a Galadriel cape that I made a couple months ago for LordCon.
Figured I could wear it again.
Not too much overlap on the guest list.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah. Totally.
(LAUGHS)
Who'd you come here with?
Um... Just my friends.
Lauren and I broke up.
Oh!
No hard feelings though.
Um, she's still a little confused.
How do you think one becomes
not confused?
It's probably different for everyone.
But for me, when I kissed Brad Markowski, I started to suspect it,
andthenlastyear when I touched Dash Lowenstein's dick, I was like,
"Fuck no." It was like holding a dead snake.
Hmm.
But I guess you never know until you try.
(some CONTINUES)
Uh, before I do drink this, though,
ljust wanna let you know
that I am fully planning on having sex tonight.
With... With you.
Yeah, I mean, wherever the wind blows us.
Well, the Wind's gonna blow us there.
Wherever the night takes us.
It's gonna take your penis into my vagina.
Okay. Uh... You know, if the universe wills it.
And the universe will will it.
Thanks for letting me know. Lguess. (LAUGHING)
(COUGHS) Uh, yeah.
Oh, my God! I warned you.
This is what gin tastes like? No, no.
I've heard that gin sucks and this sucks. No, it's...
I made it. Um... Oh.
This is so dumb. Okay?
Yeah, our kids are gonna hate us because you're gonna humiliate them.
I'm not gonna humiliate Julie. We're best friends.
I'm the cool mom.
Hunter, don't make me sit on your balls again.
Stop, stop, stop it, stop, stop!
This is how they're gonna be remembered in high school,
as the weirdos whose parents dragged them out of prom
because they were afraid of their sexuality.
It's not something that should be feared, it should be celebrated.
And... And we have to empower these young women.
I mean, what year is it, guys? It's 2018.
(CAR HONKS)
Jesus Christ! MITCHELL: Oh, gross.
HUNTER: Okay, you know what?
That's an unfortunate coincidence.
Get a fucking room!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(SHOUTS) (YELPS)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Let's take a picture!
Kayla! Let's take a picture right now.
Okay, cool!
Cheese!
Oh, my God, my mom called me, like, 15 times.
She's crazy! Nope.
No. That's a no. That's kind of funny.
Boom! Airplane mode. No.
Yeah. We're flying the friendly skies now.
Yeah, until she freaks out.
Look, can we please get out of here?
No! We can't go right now.
They haven't even played me and Austin's song yet.
How are we gonna get in the mood?
I don't know, light your Walgreens candle.
That's later.
Don't you want... Look, look. Jake Donahue is just warming up.
Don't you wanna see him breakdance and probably hurt himself?
No. I don't. JULIE: It's gonna be so good.
Do you remember at the Sadie Hawkins Dance
when he tried to do the worm and he fell and broke his two front teeth?
Yeah, he had to go to the hospital. I have pictures.
It was great. And this is gonna be better!
No, no, no. So we're staying.
No! Julie, Julie. I promise
that you're gonna dance to your song with your boyfriend tonight.
This place is dying, okay?
We gotta get out of here.
Okay, fine.
Okay, cool, let's go.
We're going to the lake house!
JULIE: I'm not sure that this was worth $85.
Where's Chad?
What?
Oh, he's probably out on the dance floor.
I'm gonna go find him and meet you guys outside.
All right.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
The fuck?
Smirking little piece of shit.
Top knot. Top knot. Let's get him.
Yeah, you guys go do that.
I'm gonna get some punch.
All right, asshole, what'd you do with my daughter?
Two of you guys have the same shitty haircut? Hey!
Look at me. My hair's too long.
Hey! You can't go around assaulting children.
You have to blend in
ifyou want some information, okay?
Sojust... Just be cool. God!
Okay.
LISA: Julie?
Julie?
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
(EXHALES)
Prom night, huh?
What?
Just special night.
Gotta try.
Chad? Yeah?
(MUSIC FADES)
(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
(WHISPERS) This is my moment.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTS) (SCREAMING)
You ruined my moment!
Fuck your moment.
LISA: What happened back there?
Vvhathappenedisthat my daughter was kissing Chad even though she hated it...
And I've been dragged in this situation by you two fucking idiots!
Just ignore him. Great idea.
We're gonna go to Austin's house.
Julie said that's where the after-party is and we'll get 'em there.
And that sounds like a plan.
Hey, how dare you ignore me.
We are in this situation because you two raised a couple of bigots
who have shamed my daughter into losing her virginity to the wrong sex.
Shame!
My daughter is not a bigot.
(SCOFFING) We go to all of the marches.
We went to the Tax Day March and nobody goes to that shit.
Nobody! Ignore him.
LISA: It's hard. Yeah, it is hard.
'Cause I don't quit.
And now I have to go rescue Sam
because she is scared and confused
and I know what it's like to be ostracized by society for your sexual preferences.
Sleeping with women that aren't your wife isn't a sexual preference.
No, it is! I preferthem.
(MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY) MITCHELL: How parents can let their kids
play music this loud?
We all share this planet.
This is how loud I listen to my music, dawg.
LISA: Probably won't even be able to hear us.
(RINGING DOORBELL) It's so dark in there.
They could be in the backyard playing two-on-two hoops. I don't know.
Oh. I found a big window.
No, no, don't, don't, don't.
Trust me. Do not look in that window.
MITCHELL: What? Look at me. Do not look in this window.
Do not look in this fucking window!
Julie's red dress! Shit!
Shit! Oh, God.
I know this must be tough for you.
I mean, if...
Hell, ifthat was Kayla in there, I'd...
I'd kill myself. Nope.
That's the wrong thing to fucking say right now.
Stop them. Stop it!
I can't... Wait.
Hey! It's not Julie.
It's not Julie.
What? (LAUGHING)
LISA: Shit! It's Austin's parents.
Good for them.
Really going at it.
Always wanted to do this. I've always wanted to watch people have sex.
Oh, my God, he's yanking her hair.
Ow. That looks like it hurts.
Yeah, we shouldn't be looking, man. Come on.
MITCHELL: She runs the risk of, like, dislocating her hip.
Hey, Mitchell. You're being a fucking perv, dude.
Don't look.
(CATHY MOANS)
(MOANING)
(YELPING)
What happened?
We locked eyes and then he finished.
That means his load is on your soul for eternity.
MITCHELL: Holy shit!
LISA: Oh, shit, he's coming.
I'll pretend I'm a plant.
RON: Mitchell? What are you doing?
Lisa? Hey, R0n!
What are you guys doing out here?
CATHY: Hi!
LISA: Hey! What a nice surprise!
VVe thought the kids were here. We didn't realize you guys were here.
Oh, Cath and I were just having a little prom night role-play.
You know, to keep the sex life alive. Prom night!
Where are the kids? Um, do you know where the kids are'?
The kids are at Kyler Montero's lake house.
How do you know that?
Because Austin told us. Yeah.
He's texted me, like, 19 times tonight.
Ugh. Oh, my God. Yeah, we tell each other everything.
CATHY: It's unbelievable.
He knows about prom night.
CATHY: Well, you know. I'm sorry, you...
You tell your son about your sex games with your wife?
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Can't do that. There's a line. Yeah, it's weird.
It's... It's weird.
We have a very open family here.
Yes, we do. We don't hide anything.
You know what, what is Kyler's address?
(STAMMERS) Okay, listen, I feel like I can't betray Austin's confidence in me
and frankly if Julie wanted to tell you where the house was,
she would've told you.
LJh-uh. lgoLHl%ok1on, hokion. Buh, buh, buh.
Give us the address.
Or my giant friend's gonnatear your husband's dick off.
Yeah.
(LAUGHS) No, I'm not.
No, I'm not. Excuse me?
No, no, no. That's... That's good.
And, uh, sorry to interrupt your evening.
I hope you guys enjoy the rest of your love-making.
HUNTER: Ah, fuck! MITCHELL: Come on, man.
LISA: What was that about? MITCHELL: What?
Hey, man, thank you for killing my daughter's hymen.
I don't think so. Kyler Montero's lake house?
Marcie did the bathroom.
She's gonna know the address. S0 let's just go.
All right, dope. Dope.
(ALL WHOOPING)
Oh, my eyes! Yeah!
RUDY: Okay, come on in now.
It's all fun and games until there's a decapitation.
I don't need any more dead girls on my conscience.
I'm sorry, Rudy!
We just had to check that off the old prom bucket list.
0h, my God! Sam!
Come here. Yeah! Move, Chad!
Chad, you want a drink? No.
What you got there?
This is a very, very special reduced hash oil of my own invention.
It has rosemary essence for blood flow,
a curcumin extract from turmeric to reduce inflammation.
And it gets you super baked.
(CHUCKLES) All right! Let's do it. Do I just suck'?
Yeah, you press the button and you take, like, a little puff.
Or a really, really big one. Okay. (LAUGHS)
And then you just hold it for, like, a beat.
You guys know that Tanner Dunn's parents rented out a whole floor
of the Park West Hotel for an after-party?
What? (SCOFFS)
Um... Yeah... He, uh...
I guess they're super loaded and they're still proud of him,
even though it took him, like, six years to graduate.
I remember him. He got to miss school when his kid was born.
Yeah, that guy.
You should definitely let it go now.
(EXHALING)
Holy shit.
Oh, yeah. I can run a six-minute mile. My lung capacity is legit.
No! One more selfie.
And this time let's pose like Kanye.
No! Boo!
Yes. You take too many pictures.
(CAMERA CLICKS) They don't look like him.
HUNTER: It's just a bunch of paint samples and swatches.
(WHISPERS) Hunter! Quiet!
Why do I have to be quiet?
Shit would not fly if Marcie found out.
Who wears the pants in this house, dawg?
I do. ALL: Oh!
(SLURPING)
Mmm.
This is soy creamer, are you sure? It's pretty freaking rich.
This is so messed up.
Who are you to get involved in our daughter's sex life?
Honey, I was just trying... No, don't "honey" me.
Did your dad try to stop you when you lost your virginity?
That's totally different.
It is not different. It's a double standard.
Oh, when a guy loses his virginity, it's no big deal, it's celebrated,
but if a girl does, it's some sort of big loss of innocence?
Yes! MARCIE: But come on, you guys,
it's the same damn thing.
(GROANS) Marcie! Stop talking.
Just give us the address. Just give us the address.
Honestly, Lisa, I can't believe you're on their side.
"Side"? This is not some philosophical debate.
We're trying to stop our daughters from some kind of sex pact
that they've planned and not thought through all the way.
That is such bullshit.
How do you expect society
to treat women as if they're equal when their own parents won't?
I don't know about that.
I'll deal with society tomorrow. Right now I'm thinking about my daughter.
Well, that's convenient. Yeah. You know what?
Go ahead and be part of the group
that perceives women as little damsels in distress that need saving.
Who cares about us not getting paid as much
or not having control of our own bodies?
Can you please not talk to me like I'm someone who bombs abortion olinios?
I think we're a little off-topic. We need the address.
I just can't believe
that you think Julie shouldn't be free to explore her sexuality
in the same way that boys are.
Girls and boys are very different.
Guys will take whatever's in front of them.
We have these feelings and then
your parents won't let you see the man.
And then he just writes a lot of letters
but you don't get them because your mom doesn't give them to you
and then it starts raining really hard
because he built a house for you.
And then, it's...
Mitchell, did you get the address?
Yup! MARCIE: What?
I'm really sorry. I'll call you tomorrow.
I'm just really stressed out. It was so good to see you.
Was that The Notebook?
Fucking fuck off, Hunter! God damn it! Mitchell!
MITCHELL: I love you, I'm doing this for our daughter, I'll be home late!
Shit!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
To the loss of our innocence.
Whoo!
Oh!
Come on!
You guys! This is the best night!
Iam so drunk, super high
and Connor has a little something-something that I feel
I need to go check out.
All right. (SIGHS) It's fuck o'clock.
JULIE: No way. You, too? SAM: Yep.
These are macarons... Ooh!
With a very special concoction of mine that I call Wavy Davy.
S0 it's DMT that I get from the dark web.
And then there's a little tiny bit of Xanax
to just kind of take the edge off, you know. It's pretty tight.
Sounds pretty tight.
And then I bake it into a white chocolate macaron
andithas, Hke, a raspberry filling
that's both light and fluffy but also very flavorful and satisfying.
Are you ready?
Uh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.
Okay. Let's go.
Mmm.
It's yum. (CHUCKLES)
Mmm.
So what do we do? We just walk in
and flick the lights on and off until the kids come?
LISA: Just act cool and young, and maybe we'll just slip in.
Mitchell, untuck your shirt.
No, it's not that kind of shirt. It looks stupid untucked.
Untuok your shirt. You look like a youth minister.
HUNTER: Untuck your fucking shirt, man. We're trying to look cool.
MITCHELL: All right!
Whoa. Oh, Sorry, bro! Sorry, guys.
Sorry. My friend's wasted.
Don't.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey! No adults are getting into my house.
Not on prom night. Okay, not on prom.
We were just down the street at another party
and then we just decided to come up here
and hang with you guys. Uh...
No parents here, right?
Ah, thank God!
No, not except for you guys. No.
We're not... We don't... (CHUCKLES)
Yeah, no.
Okay, so you're cops.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
I got two DUls last year. How could I be a cop?
MITCHELL: The police?
Look at my untucked shirt.
You're literally the cop-iest motherfucker I've ever seen.
You look like you got your hair out in the baok of a squad oar.
This is a regular men's haircut. HUNTER: Okay.
This is ridiculous.
All right, you're minors, we're minors.
You're, like, 45 years old.
Fuck you. lwas born in '77.
'87.
'94.
We're gonna drink with you guys.
Would cops drink with underage kids? No.
Okay. What about a little chugging contest?
Um...
Yeah. Bring it.
Okay, wait.
I gotta get the room ready.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, wow!
You're really going for it, aren't ya?
I saw this in the romantic comedy, American Beauty. So good.
You watched the whole thing?
(CHUCKLES)
You know what this candle does to me.
Is that the one that gives you hives?
No, it's the good one. Oh, nice.
You look so hot right now.
Where are my chuggers at? You ready?
Oh, right here. Let's go! What, what!
KYLERI All right.
MITCHELL: COOI.
Drop 'em.
KYLER: Let's do it.
Wait, what?
(CHUCKLES) Guys? We're lust chugging, right?
Yeah, we're butt-chugging.
Yeah, you put the tube up your butt and you funnel the beer in.
It fucks you up way more, man, trust me.
Guys, butt-chugging? You got this. You got it.
No, I'm tagging out. You're in.
What? Why me?
You've had a baby. Everything's looser down there.
I didn't have a baby out of my butt. Even I know that.
Mitchell.
Okay, this isn't a common occurrence with me,
but I have had things up there before.
Hmm? It's just all about breathing.
S0 just breathe through it, and accept it in.
I can't do it. I can't do it.
Hey! She's up there right now with that dick-bag, Connor,
with his man bun and that stupid smirk.
Think about this.
Wait. Connor?
You know... You know Connor Aldrich, The Chef?
Why do they call him "The Chef"?
Oh. Maybe a big fan of South Park?
(IMITATES CHEF) "Hello, children."
No. No. He cooks drugs into everything.
Everything! One time he made me this, like, acid financier cake.
Oh! That shit was to die for, man!
Like, literally, I almost fucking died.
Yeah. Dude, ifyour daughter had anything like that cake,
she might not remember who you are tomorrow.
Give me the fucking tube.
Let's bone.
CHAD: Wait, what?
Oh! Are you sure that this is how you wanna do it?
Yes, Chad. This is always how I've imagined it.
Oh, you know, I'd rather leave my shirt on, if that's sexier.
(CHUCKLES) I need another drink.
Wait, wait, uh...
Can you lube it up with something first?
Yeah, I'll just spit on it. No!
Why? Because I'm a man? Get over yourself.
No, 'cause you're fucking gross and your fucking saliva's gross.
I have lip gloss. We got lip gloss.
Okay, fine. Shit.
I don't have lip gloss.
JAYDEN: All right, guys, let's get those tubes in.
All right, I got the lip gloss on there. Okay.
Okay, okay. All right.
Okay, ready?
Ow, 0w, 0w, 0w.
It's not in yet. MITCHELL: Okay.
HUNTER: Chill. LISA: It's just gonna be on the count of three.
HUNTER: You got this, dawg. This is for your kid.
On three, okay. All right.
On three. Yeah.
Okay, one... MITCHELL: One.
(GROANS)
HUNTER: Are you okay?
Okay, get your 40s.
They got a lager or an IPA.
It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.
LISA: Okay. (EXHALES)
MITCHELL: I don't know aboutflfls. No, no, no, no.
It's too late. It's already in.
Here you go. It's in you. It's part of you now.
Ready? Yeah.
Set...
Chug!
Butt chug! Butt chug!
ALL: (CHANTING) Butt chug! Butt chug!
Wait.
Hey, hey! LISA: Loosen up!
It's not working, dude. I can't!
You can hold my hand! Okay.
Ow! HUNTER: You're hurting her.
LISA: God! It really hurt! I'm sorry!
Channel that energy into your butt hole.
MITCHELL: This changes everything I know!
HUNTER: Dude, if your daughter could see you now she'd be so proud of you.
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
Whoa...
lam... lam tripping so hard.
It's not working. It's not working, dude.
Oh, it's terrible. MITCHELL: It is.
Open up!
I'm sorry. I can't do it, man.
Focus! For your daughter.
Fuck, Mitch. Focus.
You gotta breathe. You gotta open up, dude.
Relax! I'm relaxed! I'm dilated.
I'm staring at your asshole. You're not dilating.
LISA: Mitchell, you're gonna lose to this punk bitch?
Breathe. Take it in!
(CHANTING CONTINUES)
LISA: There we go.
Okay, good. Oh! (LAUGHING)
It's working! It's working! Holy shit!
Holy shit! It's working!
We're almost halfway done.
(SIREN BLARES) Pos! Fucking run!
Cops? (GROANS)
What? Oh, no!
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
Ass beer! (GAGGING)
Lisa, the foam went into my mouth! I have to go to the hospital!
(BANGING ON DOOR) GIRL: Hurry up! Get out of here!
(GASPING) Shit!
We gotta go.
I got ass beer, I should go to the hospital.
(SIRENS VVAIL) MITCHELL: Shit! The fucking cops?
The fucking cops are here? Wait, wait, wait.
I can't get the tube out. Pull the tube out.
Leese, pull it out. No! I put it in!
I had to spit on it! What? You spit on it?
No, itwas my lip gloss. What the fuck?
Itwas lip gloss. Pull it out!
Hey, man, be gentle. Be fucking gentle, all right?
I'm gonna be gentle, all right? Ready?
All right, on three. On three...
One. Ow!
(u LU LATES)
(SCREAMS)
Come on.
Hey, guys!
Guys!
JULIE: Wait, wait. Sam.
Sam!
Sam, Sam! We're over here.
No!
No. No.
The night is over. No.
It's over. It's done.
The night is not over.
The night hasjust begun.
Jesus, Chad, use your legs.
I mean, I pretty much carried her, like, the whole way there.
(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(GROANING)
Husfle, husfle, husfle!
Come on, Sam.
Come with us! I can't.
My car is here.
But all my friends are going to the hotel party.
Maybe I'll see you later.
(ETHEREAL MUSIC CONTINUES)
Get in the car. Go, go, go, girl! JULIE: Sam!
You'll see her later! Seriously, hurry up!
What are you doing?
Whoo, this night is not over, I swear to Christ!
Dukes of Hazzard!
(GRUNTS, GROANS)
Racist-ass show anyway.
I got the spins, man.
We gotta find our daughter, dawg.
I'm gonna sit down for a second.
Rudy! It's Rudy.
HUNTER: Rudy, Rudy, wait, wait!
MITCHELL: There he goes! Hit the clicker, open the door!
Igot mine.
Seatbelts!
You'll get a big ticket.
HUNTER: That's them right there.
They're getting away. You gotta go faster.
Okay. Hey, you gotta be in it 110%.
LISA: Okay. You gotta be in it to win it!
How do you get more competitive when you're drunk?
Hey, man. I'm more of a winner when I'm drunk, all right?
And the question that I have for you, Leese...
Are you a winner? Are you in it to win it?
Winning is my bitch! All right!
Sflong. Kn0ck, kn0ck!
Who's there?
Me winning. (LAUGHING)
It's not...
It's not that good.
(BOTH CONTINUE LAUGHING)
Ow. Ow! Lisa winning!
It's not that good!
Ow! Fuck! All right, it's good. It's fine. I like it.
Hey, you're losing him. Let's go.
Oh. Not on my watch.
(INCREASES VOLUME)
(ALL YELP)
Y'all think you gonna outrun Rudy the main motherfucking man Glover?
Hell, no.
Are you all right? No.
Come on.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Hey, guys.
Hey, I don't...
I don't feel so... (RETCHING)
Oh, my God!
(SCREAMING)
HUNTER: All right, here's what we're gonna do.
Lisa, I have seen every single Fast and the Furious movie, okay?
All of them, dozens of times. Have you seen any of them?
I saw the Tokyo one, and I saw the one where The Rock punches the torpedo.
Those are the best two to see.
Okay, in times like this, I ask myself one question.
"W-W-V-D-D." You know what that means?
"What would Vin Diesel do?"
Holy shit!
No one's ever fucking gotten that before. Okay.
(RETCHING)
(SCREAMING)
(CHAD SCREAMING) Oh, man, it smells like...
What we're gonna do, we're gonna kiss the bumper.
You give it a little tap, and then they're gonna spin and stop
and we're gonna spin and stop the other way
and we're gonna look at each other, and we're gonna go,
"lt's all about the family."
Wait. I don't feel comfortable running the kids off the road.
This slow and un-furious attitude is not helping us. You have to believe!
Okay. I'm gonna kiss it.
HUNTER: Here we go!
MITCHELL: What's that? (GRUNTS) Did l do it?
No, you didn't even kiss it. You gotta kiss it.
(IMITATES VIN DIESEL) Kiss it for the family!
BOTH: ls that Sam?
LISA: She barfed on us!
HUNTER: Oh, my God! (TIRES SCREECHING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
(METAL CREAKING)
(WHIMPERS)
(QUIETLY) Okay.
Are we in heaven?
Okay. Listen, I know how to do this.
Everyone lean backwards.
If we all lean backwards on three, the car will roll back. Ready?
Okay. One,
two, three.
Oh, fuck!
Ahhh! (THUDS)
(TRICKLING)
Well, that's the last of the ass beer.
Jesus! That's it.
Are you okay? Are you bleeding?
You might have internal blood injuries.
I'm all right, I'm all right.
Here's the problem.
The Fast and The Furious movies are not realistic.
Where are we? Shit!
Fuck!
(STRAINING)
What are you doing?
I heard that in times of crisis, parents have superhuman strength.
No offense, there's no scientific way you're gonna flip that car over.
I couldn't even do that.
Yeah, I couldn't do it, either.
Do not tell me what I can and can't do. (PANTING)
(STRAINING)
Kayla's not answering again.
God damn it! We lost 'em, guys.
We are fucked! Or maybe not.
What are you doing?
Trying to telepathically communicate with Kayla.
I'm with the X-Men of parents.
You know what my secret power is?
I'm super fucking annoyed right now and I hurt my love handle.
All right.
You guys think my new clothes go with my fedora?
I'm just kidding, I know they do. (CHUCKLES)
Hey.
Have you talked to your mom?
No.
S0 my parents werejust texting me
and they were having sex and your mom showed up looking for you.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
It's okay. They have sex all the time. (snens)
(CELL PHONE VIBRATTING)
Oh, my God, she... The texts.
S0 many texts.
She's mad.
I need to handle this.
Good news. A Lyft is on its way.
Oh, wait, no, I know this guy. He sucks.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) Oh, shit. It's Julie.
Be cool. Be cool. Be cool. Be cool.
Be quiet. Okay.
JULIE: (ON PHONE) Hey, Mom!
I just got all your texts
and ljust wanted to let you know that we're all good.
LISA: Cool. Cool. Okay.
Um... Are you at the prom?
Yeah. Yeah, just nonstop magical moments.
Huh. You are lying to me.
Where are you right now? Where are you?
Why are you freaking out?
I'm freaking out because I know what you're up to.
And I know that you and your friends
are planning some kind of little sex pact or whatever.
What did you say?
You heard me.
How could you possibly know?
Because I am your mother and I know you.
And I know you better than you know yourself.
And I also know that you're planning on going to UCLA
and that you're following Austin.
Yeah. (LAUGHS)
I know everything.
Oh, my God, you know nothing!
Why do you even assume that it's me following Austin?
Huh? You're not worried about me, Mom.
You're worried about you.
You're afraid of losing me. You're afraid of being alone.
Iam not scared of being alone. (LAUGHS)
This is not about me.
I have not thought about myself for the last 18 years.
This is about you.
And as a single mother,
lam trying to stop you from making a life-ruining decision.
So I was "a life-ruining decision"?
No. No!
No, that is not what I meant.
You know what, Mom?
I'm not going to UCLA because of some boy, okay?
I'm going to UCLA because it's the furthest I can get from you.
Well...
Hello?
Nanaru is on his way.
Forty-six minutes.
Well...
S0, she hates me. (SNIFFLES)
She doesn't hate you.
Kayla's ignoring me. She's bringing it to a whole new level of spite.
Yeah.
That's a new level of pain. (SIGHS)
Yeah. I know.
It's just different for me because I gave birth to her
and ljust feel very connected.
She was living in my body.
Kayla grew in me.
She grew in me. She did.
She grew from my balls and I shot her into Marcie.
This is the same for you and me.
Not exactly.
I mean, you have daily love in your life
and I'm probably gonna die alone
and won't be found for a really long time.
Until one day, someone will be walking by
with their golden retriever,
and the dog is just gonna lose its shit.
And then they're gonna call the police
and then they're gonna come in and find rne draped over the tub
with my feral cats eating away at my hair.
'Cause cats do that.
The fuck is wrong with you? That is some dark shit!
You're gonna die alone?
Whoa, whoa. My man! Come on! Where the hell did you get that idea?
I call you all the time.
You ever return my calls? No.
Because we're not really friends, you and me.
We're not friends?
I don't mean it at that...
You know what you are?
You are like the thing that pops up on Facebook...
And then it's, like, this beautiful picture of your grandma who's dead.
And you're, like, "Fuck you, Facebook, for reminding me of my loss."
That's why you're avoiding me? Because I remind you of loss?
Yes! I don't wanna be reminded of sweet, young Julie and our kids
and that beautiful time in our lives is over.
Oh, God! Boo-fucking-hoo with you two!
You guys completely ignore me. Always.
Yeah, no shit, cheater.
Oh, "Cheater"? That's my designation?
That's what I am? I'm the cheater?
Fuck that shit.
Did you guys ever once call me when that went down
and ask me my side of the story?
You didn't.
I would've told you the truth.
I would've told you that Brenda had stopped talking to me
months before that happened.
Do you know she hooked up with her boss at a company retreat in Wisconsin?
Do you know she beat me up?
She fucking beat me up at a Romano's fucking Macaroni Grill!
She fucking slapped me in front of the fucking maTtre'd!
I didn't know that. I'm sorry, man.
And I fucking embarrassed myself
and I embarrassed myself in front of my daughter.
And I thought, "You know, I should pull back a little bit,"
and fucking Frank showed up.
And I pulled back more
and I thought, "One day I'm gonna fix it.
"One day I'm gonna fucking fix it."
And then I thought if I gave her something awesome like a great night...
I could get close with her again, but I can't.
(SNIFFLES)
'Cause she's gone. They're just...
(SIGHS) The kids,
theyjust leave. Oh, shit!
I know how we can find 'em.
Go to Cathy and Ron's.
Austin's been texting them all night.
Did you hear anything I said just now?
That's a great idea.
(SIGHS) Fuck it. It's just good to say it out loud.
Let's go flip that car.
Hell...
Jesus Christ!
Oh, my fucking God!
Shit!
My carjust exploded.
Nanaru is 26 minutes away. So that's good.
I thought I canceled him.
Thanks, Nanaru.
So Austin's parents aren't gonna just tell us where they are.
S0 we need to get Ron's phone,
read the texts, and find our kids. Okay?
Hunter, it's not gonna be you.
S0, Mitchell, it's you.
No. That's breaking and entering. That is...
I'm uncomfortable with that.
Are you a team player, or aren't you?
Am I a team player?
I just chugged a 4O with my asshole. I'm a team player.
Then get your head in the game.
It's the bottom of the third.
We are down by one and there is not a lot of game left.
There is a lot of game left though.
Listen. You have one pass left. One. One pass.
(STAMMERS) ls it rugby? ls it
Australian rules football? They don't put a limit on passing.
If it was the third, then I'd have the fourth.
You know what? You know what's happening right now?
Let me tell you what's happening right now,
is Kayla and Connor are sliding into bed.
He's grabbing a condom
and then he's flicking it to the side
with a smirk on his face.
That fucking smirk. No way.
We need a Hail Mary pass. Are you up for that, son?
Yes, Coach. Well, I can't hear you.
Yes, Coach. I'm in it! I can't hear you.
I can fucking do this! Let's go!
HUNTER: We gotta be quiet.
HUNTER: (WHISPERS) Careful.
(EXHALES)
All right, go.
Go.
Did you...
(WHISPERING) Go. There's a person!
(MOUTHING) What? Fuck you.
Jesus Christ.
RON: I'm gonna get you!
(CHUCKLES) Not if I get you first.
(CATHY IMITATES MONKEY)
Get away from here.
I'm fucking out!
Mitchell, in! Get in. (GASPS)
Cath?
CATHY: Ron, no talking.
Come on, we had a deal.
We have to find each other by sensing each other's musks.
Can't use our voices.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
(THUDDING)
(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)
(CATHY IMITATES MONKEY)
Here, kitty, kitty.
I can smell that musk.
(russme) (CATHY PURRING)
(CATHY YELPS) (RON CHUCKLES)
(MOUTHS) RON: Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! I like the sound of that!
CATHY: Oh!
RON: 0m Hey!
You wanna touch first, that works for Ronnie!
You want me to touch you?
Help yourself. Yes. You want me to touch you?
I'm gonna touch you. Hard.
Do it. How about I touch you...
Do it. with my nails, baby?
Let's have it! Oh!
CATHY: Your hair is so sexy, babe. Oh, your grip is unbelievable.
Iwant you to touch me where I like.
My balls. You know?
(BOTH MOUTHING)
RON: I want it bad. Do it, come on! Really? How bad?
RON: Let's go. Come on. Come on, do it!
You there? What, this isn't hard enough?
RON: Let's go. Come on.
CATHY: Harder? RON: Come on, do it.
D0 it, I'm waiting.
Okeydoke.
CATHY: Oh, yeah, you like that?
Hey, man, I don'tjudge people's sex shit.
But that was ridiculous and stupid.
Way to take one for the team, guys.
Hold on, hold on, hold on. Here it is.
"The police came to the lake house.
"Almost lost my flower but didn't quite work out."
ALL: "Flower"?
He said that? He's a boy.
LISA: Buh, buh, buh... "Heading to the Park West Hotel.
"We've got the Grand Lux Suite.
"Looks like the little boy is becoming a man."
Fucking dork.
Okay, so that was 10 minutes ago.
S0 they haven't had sex yet.
We can still catch them.
Okay, let's do this.
Hey.
HEY- HEY-
How's she doing? Is she okay?
No, she's not doing okay. She's bummed.
She doesn't even wanna kiss. And I love kissing.
Give me your room key.
What? Why? Yeah.
Give me your room key and then bring her up in, like, 15 minutes.
Uh, okay.
Yes. Thanks. You're the man. Thank you for this.
(SIGHS)
How we supposed to find them in this place? It's got, like, 2O rooms.
HUNTER: I'm sorry, what the fuok are you talking about?
"Twenty"? It's got, like, 200! What? Twenty?
Grand Lux Suite is on the top floor.
HUNTER: Go, go, go! Move!
Hurry, Lisa!
MkvCage.WS
(SIGHS)
What am I doing here?
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
on, my God! (GASPS)
Oh, my God, my favorite!
That's so sweet. (GASPS)
Oh, my God! This is a dream! (GASPS)
It's, like, perfect! That is so nice! You're so sweet.
It actually wasn't me. It was Kayla.
She wanted you to have the perfect night.
That's why it looks so good.
Well,
why do you look so good?
(CHUCKLES) You're such a dork.
I know.
On, my God! (GASPS)
(GIGGLES)
Not as smooth as I could have.
Let me get my shoes.
Kayla?
(CHEERING AND LAUGHTER STOPS)
Nobody move, where's Kayla?
Kayla?
Get that outta here.
Um, how's this work? No, just leave it.
Okay, cool. Mmm-hmm. It's difficult.
Play sports!
And that's that.
(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)
S0, you sure you wanna do this?
Yeah.
Yes! Fuck, yeah.
You're gonna penis me.
Yeah.
First I'm gonna...
I'm just gonna touch it.
You wanna touch it? Yeah, you can touch it.
Yeah, yeah, go for it. Okay, just, like...
Oh! Wow!
Okay. That is like the greatest feeling I've ever had in my entire life.
(SHUDDERS) Really?
It doesn'tjust feel like a super-dry hand of a friend?
No. Nope.
Okay. S0,
do you wanna
Put it in?
No.
Okay.
I can't. I'm sorry. You know what?
Look, we don't... (SHOUTING)
0h, my God! Oh, my God!
Holy shit! Look at all of it.
Oh, my gosh! I gotta get over.
Okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (LAUGHING)
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. ljust...
It's okay. I was thinking about it
and you, and then itjust...
I'm sorry.
(PANTING) (CHUCKLES)
You're amazing.
I know we're still virgins,
but I feel different. You know?
Yeah.
I know. (SIGHS)
You ready to, uh, do this?
Wait.
Wait. Um...
Ah, Shit.
Shit.
Maybe Julie was right.
Like, maybe
losing your virginity doesn't have to be perfect, but...
I feel like it should just be, like, a little bit more special than this.
Yeah. Like, not cheesy, but...
Like, if I was hard-pressed right now,
I don't think I could remember your last name.
It's Aldrich. Aldrich!
I thought it was Ostrich.
I didn't realize that you're a virgin. You know?
Yeah.
Um, but, like, I'd still be down to do it
but maybe, like, you know,
when we get to know each other a little more.
Like, maybe Monday or something?
Yeah.
Not to, like, plan it and be weird.
No, no, lcanlook at my schedule and see if it's...
Okay. (BOTH LAUGHING)
Pencil it in.
Um, yeah, that's cool. Okay, cool.
Let's just relax. We could do some lightjournaling or something.
Yeah, yeah, we could do that.
Or we could do, like, other stuff.
Yeah, like what?
Like...
Not sex, but... (SIGHS)
I'm still down for pleasure.
(CHUCKLES)
You got this.
Hey, guys, what's up? Anyone seen Sam?
Chad!
(GROANS)
Oh, Jesus!
(BOTH GROANING)
What the...
You again?
You? What the fuck?
What's your beef with me, dude?
I don't know who the fuck you are!
I'm Jake motherfucking Donahue!
That name means nothing to me!
Do you know what it's like to be humiliated in front of everyone you know
and have to seek redemption for that?
Actually, yes, I do!
Kayla?
Get the hell away from my daughter, you little piece of shit!
Dad, what the... (SHRIEKING)
KAYLA: Oh, my God!
Are you okay? He didn't hurt you, did he?
What? No, he didn't hurt me.
Holy shit! Connor?
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
I'm actually totally fine.
Connor, I'm so sorry.
Are you okay, though? Are you sure? Yeah.
Dad! What the...
What are you doing here?
I've been following you around all night!
Are you ser... Oh, my God!
You've been following me?
Are you crazy? You gave me no choice!
You're in over your head with this kid.
Iam not some pathetic damsel in distress that needs saving.
I can handle myself. No, you can't.
Yes, I can! No, you can't!
Yes, I can! Kayla,
you can't. And that's why I'm here.
It's myjob.
Oh.
Yeah, so you just don't think I can make my own decisions and handle myself.
That really fucking sucks.
(SIGHS) Kayla...
Kayla, I'm just trying to figure this thing out.
God! Why is sex even bad?
(SIGHS)
I don't know. I don't know. It's not... You know, it's...
I don't know.
I'm...
I'm just trying to be the best dad I can be.
Well, you are.
You taught me everything.
You built me up.
Made me strong.
You made me into who I am. Like, that's...
(CHUCKLES)
You did not have to save me tonight, Dad.
You taught me how to do that a long time ago.
And I love you for it.
You're the best coach ever. (CHUCKLES)
Thank you. (SNIFFLING) Thank you.
Oh, Dad, come on.
Come on, toughen up.
It was just really nice, what you said.
It's good. It's good. I mean it.
Thanks, lfeel like...
Like Phil Jackson when he was coaching the Bulls...
And then they were so good.
(CHUCKLES) (SNIFFLES)
That's how I feel right now. Yeah.
AUSTIN: Uh, lshould've taken my socks off first.
(KIDS LAUGHING)
I'm just warning you, I've practiced a few times but this might not go that well.
That doesn't look right.
Yeah, all right. I think you need another one.
AUSTIN: I think we need another one, too.
JULIE: Wait, wait.
We have to do our dance.
We have to... Yeah, yeah. What, now?
Naked?
No, get me one of those, um, hotel robes.
I wanna feel fabulous.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
Coming right up, my lady.
(ROMANTIC lvluslc PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
AUSTIN: We're gonna christen every corner of this room.
And when we're done,
let's FaceTime my parents.
JULIE: Okay, but right now, I want you to stare into my eyes.
AUSTIN: What?
JULIE: Mmm-hmm. ljust want, like, a real connection.
AUSTIN: So you just want me to look straight into your eyes
for the next three minutes and 37 seconds? Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
Look at me.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING) (THUDS)
(CRACKUNG) (MOANS)
(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
(EXCLAIMS) Dad? Where is he?
What are you doing here?
Chad?
Hey, Chad, you motherfucker.
Oh, my God, are you kidding me?
Did he make you do something you don't wanna do?
'Cause I don't care if he's the fucking coolest kid in school.
I'm gonna shove his fedora so far up his ass, it'll be a hat.
No, Dad, we didn't do it.
All right? And even if we did, it would be none of your business.
It's just, I was worried about you. (SIGHS)
Well, that's a first.
I deserve that.
(SIGHS) Sam, I gotta tell you something and I'm just gonna say it.
(SIGHS)
Sam, I have realized
over the last few years
that I've made a big mistake in my life.
What, like cheating on my mom?
Well, no. Marrying your mom.
But, no, that wasn't a mistake,
because then lwouldn't have had you. Uh...
I've made lots of mistakes, but the big mistake
is that I let what happened between your mom and I
get in the way of our relationship.
I'm sorry.
And I hope that
we can start over and
build up our relationship again because
you're my only kid.
And I'm your only dad.
Well, Frank is... Fuck Frank.
(CHUCKLES)
Frank's fine.
Dad,
can I tell you something now?
Yes. Yes, yes, yes, anything.
I'm a lesbian.
What does your mom think?
She doesn't know.
You told me before you told your mom?
Yeah.
(VOICE BREAKING) That's big news.
She doesn't know?
You didn't tell Frank? No.
(sossnue)
Ah. (SNIFFLES)
Okay. Over. Crying is over.
What do your girlfriends think?
No, I'm too nervous, I can't tell them.
You're nervous to tell Kayla and Julie?
I don't wanna lose my two best friends.
This is the stuff you tell the people you care about.
You think they're not gonna support you because you're gay?
They would support you if you were a vampire.
They would support you more. With all the Twilight shit. (GIGGLING)
D0 we Still like Twilight?
Definitely not.
No, no.
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Oh, God.
Thanks for showing up.
Really. But you should probably leave
becauseifsinsane that you even came here in the first place.
I'd love to get a picture with you.
Yeah.
Great. Okay.
Just gonna stand on this.
Yeah, you know the drill. Come on.
Come on. Here we go.
Gotta turn it around here.
Dad, you're not taking it.
What?
I'll rememberthis.
Come on.
Oh, my God!
What's up, dawg?
So, ljust, uh, parented the shit outta Sam.
And I feel, uh...
Oh, God, like, uh,
pride, I think? That's it.
It's new.
Good for you, man. Thanks.
Well done, my friend. Thank you.
Well done.
How'd it go with Kayla?
Put Connor through a wall.
Are you serious?
(LAUGHS) Yeah. He's okay.
Yeah, he's lighter than I thought.
Hey.
Hi.
So, Julie's, um...
Julie's having sex right now.
Okay. And sit down. Wowee.
Yeah.
But it's good.
It's fine, right? I mean, you have to do that eventually.
Right?
Are you good? Yeah.
They seem like they really like each other and that's nice. That's a good thing,
but it's just a little, you know, scary,
because what if he doesn't know how to do it right? You know, like,
what if he doesn't know where to put it.
But he knows, right? Should I go back up there?
No! No, no, no, no. No, he'll figure it out.
It's one or the other.
Nope. Stay right here.
Do you wanna have a drink right now?
Like, hang out?
Yeah.
Yes, I do.
I'm in. I'm definitely in.
Um, we will be having some shots of alcohol, please.
Yes, we will.
This is crazy.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, I'm gonna, uh...
I'll let you guys have your fun, and lwill, uh...
I'm... I'm gonna see you guys around.
Hey!
You, too.
Yeah.
Right!
Fuck, yeah!
Pifia colada.
(LAUGHS) Just get him a shot.
Cheers!
What a night, guys.
That's beautiful.
So, I don't think the kid at the lake house was actually butt-chugging.
Definitely. Yeah.
What? Yeah.
And so he threw me through a table...
KAYLA: I'm so sorry. CONNOR: No, itwas cool.
I kinda feel fine. It's cool. All right, see you.
See you.
CONNOR: Hey, guys.
Austin, uh, let's go get a drink, man. AUSTIN: Yeah, sure.
KAYLA: Want a fry?
S0 badly. (LAUGHS)
Can I have a fry, too?
Yeah! Yes. (LAUGHS)
So?
I couldn't go through with it.
Yeah, ldidn't. No.
(SAM GASPS) (cmeeuwe)
Holy shit.
You're a woman amongst girls.
Julie! Congratu-fuck-ulations.
Thank you. How was it?
Honestly,
it was a little painful, kinda fast, and kinda awkward...
But absolutely perfect.
(GIGGLES) AW!
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
You guys, so much went down tonight.
SAM: I know. Including...
Connor!
No! Let's just say...
The Chef went out to eat my pussy. (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
lt was good.
CHAD: (IMITATES PARTY HORN) DJ Chad. Is that Chad?
That's Chad. That's Chad.
Chad!
CHAD: (SINGING) Scream my name Yes, Chad!
Fuck yeah, Chad!
I love me
Gonna love myself No, I don't need anybody else
(H6)'
Gonna love myself No, I don't need anybody else
llove me...
(ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Guys, I gotta tell you something.
Okay.
(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY)
Really?
Yeah. Wait, you are?
Yeah.
I love you. Forever.
And you, too.
Oh, my God!
I love you.
KAYLAI Sam!
Excuse me.
I can't believe you didn't tell us!
Y l (GASPS) ay"
Ta-da-da-da! Aw.
Oh, hey! Hey.
Hey! Hi.
Oh.
Uh, Julie, I think we got something over here.
Dope cape.
I'm not misreading things.
S0 you'll call me every day till you get to L.A., right?
Yeah, and then, like, every day after that.
Okay. I'm gonna miss you so much.
You're gonna be okay, though.
Are you gonna be okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. It's the weirdest thing because
I have been worried about this day for 18 years.
And then
I wake up this morning and... (EXHALES) Nothing.
Like, I don't feel emotional at all. I just feel like...
It's so bizarre. What is that?
It's, like, splashing on me. I know.
Isn't that so strange? Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
I love you, Mom.
I love you.
(EXCLAIMS)
No, I have money. Like...
Lisa, tell him I can afford... Mmm.
Sorry, sorry.
KAYLA: All right, come on. (HORN HONKING)
Let's get this road trip started! (BOTH CHEERING)
I love you.
Okay.
Hold on. Let me take a video.
(SHRIEKS, GIGGLES)
I love you. LISA: llove you.
Bye, Mom.
HUNTER: I love you. Muah. SAM: Okay, bye.
KAYLA: See ya. Drop Julie off in Cali
and then you and Kayla come right back home, and text, please.
That's a big maybe. HUNTER: Please.
Hey, take care of my mom, you two. Okay?
HUNTER: We will. All right. CONNOR: Later, big guy.
I'm going to college!
HUNTER: Drive careful, young man. That's precious cargo.
(GIRLS SHRIEKING) SAM: I love you!
Aww.
Come on. Guys.
Come on. We did it. LISA: We did it.
We did it. We parented. (BOTH SIGHING)
We did it. We did it.
(PHONE CHIMING)
Oop! It's Julie.
Oh, I must have been accidentally added to the group conversation.
Oh, well, should probably leave.
"Can't believe we're on our own now." (LAUGHS)
Aw, that's sweet. Yeah.
"We're gonna get lit af."
"Lit AF." That's not great.
No, that's... They're gonna get literature. African literature.
You think that's what "lit AF" means? You think
they're talking to each other about... Lit AF.
"Can The Chef get us..."
MITCHELL: Trees? What the hell's trees?
HUNTER: Trees mean weed, I told you that. Mushrooms. Pills.
No, the pills are Kayla's allergy. That's Claritin.
It's not Claritin. Look, snowflakes. That's blow.
"Hashtag, no parents, no rules. Hashtag, mad drugs.
(EXCLAIMS) "Hashtag, no condoms"?
Why would they hashtag that?
Wait, is that a needle and an eggplant?
What, are they gonna inject heroin into some guy's dick'?
Let's go. Let's get in the car.
I'll drive. I'm sitting behind you.
(PHONE CHIMING) Wait, wait, wait!
VOICE: (HIGH-PITCHED) We're just messing with you! Ha-ha!
"We love you guys, don't worry."
(ALL LAUGHING)
You guys were so pranked! I was in on it.
You didn't know.
No, no, I did. I didn't know itwas coming right now.
That's why I kinda sold it so well.
But it doesn't matter. You guys were like...
"Holy Shit!"
Yeah. (SIGHS)
(ROMANTIC lvluslc PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
Damn it, Mitchell!
Marco?
Polo.
Mitchell, are you getting a snack?
I'm so glad we can do stuff like this now that Kayla's in college.
(LAUGHS) I have no idea where you are.
I'm gonna do so much stuff to you when I find you.
Oh. Oh.
Marco. Polo.
Ah! Ah! (EXCLAIMS) Polo!
I can't believe it, it took you forever!
I spent so much time on the stairs!
We're doing this. I know. We're, like, totally doing it.
Let's just get crazy. I don't know! It's hot. VVhoo!
I want you to grab my balls, like Ron likes it, like hard.
(SHRIEKS)
(BOTH SHRIEKING)