女士们先生们 有请 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage
Dylan Moran Dylan Moran!
大家好 大家好 Hello! Hello! Yes, yes Hello.
很高兴来这里 Hello, it's very nice to be...and...
来到伦敦真好 You may as well be in London while you`re being.
这真是个好地方 Fantastic place.
这是个国际都市 Cosmopolis.
世界上每个角落的人 People from every corner of the Earth,...
不同信条的人 不同宗教的人 不同文化的人 every creed, every religion, every culture
都在这里的出租车上呕吐 come here to vomit in minicabs.
有些时候 Sometimes, you know,
你们要知足懂吗 you might take it for granted, you see,
你们有时候会想 其他的地方生活是不是更好 you might get this notion that there's a better life for you elsewhere.
这是人们普遍的想法 他们老是想换个地方 because that's what happens to people they get stressed out somewhere like this.
他们会想 我们应该 They think: "you know we should I don't know...
我们应该去乡下的什么地方 到哪个郡去生活 go to the country... somewhere...'Somewhere Shire'".
这是个坏主意 It's a very bad idea.
我小时候就在乡下住着 你不想去哪里的 I grew up in the country. You don't You don't wanna go there.
这里什么都有 你们不应该幻想去其他地方的 You've got everything here. You're not gonna realize your dreams somewhere else.
在这里什么都能做到 You can do it all here.
这里你可以在Tufnell公园里堵车堵个二十年 You could be trapped in traffic in Tufnell Park for twenty years?
其他地方你就没办法遇到这种事情了 And you'll never have that experience anywhere else.
你们不应该去乡下的 你们很多人都不知道乡下怎么回事 You don't wanna go to the country, anyway. Most of you know nothing about it.
你们对于乡下的知识 都是从杂志的增刊上获得的 You talk about it all the time You read about it in the Sunday supplements.
你们不会想去的 为什么要去呢 You're never going to go. Why would you go?
那是个恶心的地方 It's a disgusting place.
那地方永远是湿乎乎的 就算是他们认为干燥的时候也一样 It's always wet even when it`s dry...
那里什么都没有 农民就不能算人类 There's nothing there. Farmers aren't really people.
你知道的 You know this.
农民只是人类的工具 我们需要农民去宰牛 They're just necessary. We need somebody to kill cows.
牛生下来就是为了送死去的 Cows are supposed to be killed.
宰得越多越好 En masse as well.
我对于素食主义者并没有太多的好感 I have this certain very ell Limited sympathy with vegetarians You know?
我不管你是不是因为以前出了什么事故才变成素食主义者的 I don't don't mind if you're vegetarian cause you had an accident or something years ago.
比如你从楼梯上掉下来 结果不能咀嚼了 所以只好吃素 You fell down some steps and now you can't chew properly.
这无所谓 但是除去客观因素 I don't mind that but all this
素食主义者的理论根本就是错误的 vegetarian-on-principle stuff is wrong!
你活着就应该去吃牛 You're supposed to eat the cows.
牛是一种巨大无比的愚蠢生物 They're big lumbering stupid things...
我们要是不吃牛 它们就会遍地都是了 they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.
它们会挤在图书馆里或者别的地方 人类一开始并不打算要牛这种生物的 In the library and everything... Nobody actually wanted them originally.
这些白痴的牛毫无理由的就出现了 你拦都拦不住 You know, they were just mid-conversation that kept getting bumped into by these cretins...
不吃它们还干嘛 Couldn't take it anymore.
给我个叉子 我来解决这些牛 "Give me a fuckin' fork I'm gonna deal with this."
人们本身是要吃松鼠的 What people really want are squirrels
但是松鼠跑得太快了抓不到 but they're too quick.
别去乡下 Don't go to the country.
你上一次跟乡下人说话是什么时候 When is the last time you spoke to somebody from the country?
你跟这些人说过话吗 你今天干嘛了 Have you ever had a conversation with these people? - "What did you do today?"
- 我喝了点汤 - 妈的 我得闪人了 - "I had some soup." - "Oh for fucks sake...get me outa here.
在我晕倒前给我来杯卡普奇诺咖啡 我宁可被这家伙抢劫也不跟他说话 "Please gimme a cappucino before I pass out. I need a mugger."
对付这些乡下人我得要更愤世嫉俗些才行 "I need a healthy injection of cynicism right now."
当然 乡下人是很有好的 这是必然的 And of course these people are friendly. Course they are.
他们愿意跟你讲话 因为他们许多年都没有跟人类说话了 They talk to you. They haven't spoken to a real person in years.
他们会把你领到自己家里 给你熨衣服 And they bring you into the house and they dry all your clothes...
即使你没有挨雨淋也一样 even though you've not been in the rain or anything.
他们给你本地的特产 你一定要尝尝我们这里的特产 And offer you the local thing. "You must try the local stuff."
不要吃 知道为什么那叫本地特产吗 Don't eat it! You know why it's local?
因为那是垃圾 所以才叫土产 It's shit! That's why it's local.
你要是吃了 就会变成他们中的一员 If you eat it, you'll turn into one of them.
你皮肤会变红 你会变得顽固 You go red, you start spouting bigotry...
你会伴着羊油吃花呢 口水从你的嘴里喷涌而出 and eating tweed with lamb fat dribbling down your chin.
那些东西碰都别碰 Don't go near of any of that stuff.
有人说 我要去 我会没事的 People say: "I'm gonna go. It'll be great."
我们会在那里用太阳电池板的厕所 我们会阖家幸福 "We'll have a solar panel toilet? we'll get the whole family thatched."
放屁 Rubbish!
你看见文章说 都市生活多不好 And then you get these articles about how unhealthy modern life is in a city.
你打手机会得肿瘤 You know you get mobile phone tumours...
还有别的都市病 far more likely in the city.
知道吗 除了这些还有别的哪 Well you know what? So is everything else.
比如性爱 咖啡 还有交流 Including sex, coffee and conversation.
都市人的交流和乡下人交流完全不同 And the conversations are totally different as well there.
那些世故圆滑的人 九个月见一面 You're sophisticated people. You meet up every nine months...
一边喝咖啡一边对不在身边的朋友品头论足 to have a coffee with somebody and bitch about your best friend who's not there.
- 我讨厌他们 - 我比你更讨厌他们 - "I hate them." - "I hate them more than you do."
他们来了 嗨 你好吗 Here they come. - "Hi, how are ya?"
- 要不要来杯nimbacino咖啡 - "Do you want a nimbacino?"
在乡下 乡下人无事可做 And in the countryside... because there's nothing to do...
知道他们干什么吗 Do you know what people do there?
他们去其他人的家里串门 到你家里来喝茶 They they they go to each others' houses, they come to your house and drink tea.
他妈一喝喝一天 All fucking day.
他们走十二英里的路 就是为了喝茶 They crawl for twelve miles to come and drink tea.
因为他们无事可做 'Cause there's nothing else to do.
乡下人 有自己独特的仇恨情绪 And what people do then... It has its own kind of native hostility.
你知道的 他们把所有的食物都拿出来 放到来串门的人面前 You know, they bring out all the food in the house and put it in front of that person...
说 快 把这些东西给我吃掉 and say: "There, eat that!"
因为你知道 如果你不对客人好一点 你就会在村子里落口实 Because because if you don't put on a good spread you'll be ill-spoken-of in the village.
所以他们拿出十九种土豆来招待客人 So people bring out nineteen different kinds of potatoes.
拿出一片一片的火腿 一块一块的火腿 Sheets of ham. Waves of ham.
你在这火腿中间咬一口 连买雨衣的钱都省下了（这里是说火腿的油大） You take a bite out of the middle, you save yourself the price of a poncho.
他们把食物放在客人面前说 妈的快吃 They put it in front of that person and they say: "Fuckin' eat that!"
客人在你家一呆呆一天 And they stay there all day.
吃你的喝你的 Eat everything you have. Drink everything you have.
他们不知道什么时候回去 And they never know when to go.
知道吗 他们不懂得人情世故 夜里一点钟还不走 You know? They're not sophisticated. They sit there. You're there one o`clock in the morning...
你穿着睡衣 看着你家的落地钟 这都什么时候了 with the grandfather clock between your pyjama'd knees...
你看着那些王八蛋说 求你了 回家吧 staring at the motherfuckers saying: "Please, go home!"
你最后不得不说难听的 And you end up saying terrible things:
你看 我们把这里的酒都喝了 "Look, we drank everything in the house..."
估计出租车也不会来了 "I don't think that minicab is coming..."
我知道我们喝了八九瓶酒还有一瓶半威士忌 "I know we had eight or nine bottles of wine and half a bottle of whisky..."
我觉得你应该开车回去 真的 "but I think you should drive. I do."
我会把你的手用胶带黏在方向盘上的 "I will personally sellotape your hands to the wheel."
赶快上车滚吧 快点 "Get in the fucking car. Go away from here please."
有些人想逃离现实都想疯了 And then, you know, there's the there's the extreme version of that idea of escape.
比如那些想移民的人 他们认为自己的人生在其他国家 People think they'll emigrate, that's it. Their their their new life will be somewhere else.
别的地方肯定比这里好 我受不了啦 "Much better than here. I can't take it anymore."
那你去哪里 这些人在地球上四处为家 Where would you go? People... people fling themselves all over the planet.
比如去澳大利亚 怎么会有人想去那里 People end up in Australia. Why would anybody want to go there?
那个国家有什么意义 What is the point of that country?
我通常不怎么出门 但有一回 我全家都去澳大利亚玩 I was usually never leave the house but, we all went to Australia recently.
全家都去了 那地方太荒唐 The whole family. It was a ridiculous place.
离太阳就四分之三英里远 Located three quarters of a mile from the surface of the sun.
人们从你身边路过 你都能听到他们的皮肤被阳光晒爆的声音 People audibly crackling as they walk pass you on the street.
这就是为什么他们都烧烤 因为那里你用不着加热 That's why they all barbecue. You don't need to cook somewhere like that.
你就把食物拿出来 放到烤架上 You just bring the shit out, fling it on a grill,
那玩意自动就被太阳晒熟了 and it bursts into flames.
澳大利亚就不应该住人 他们不吃东西的时候 就出门玩 It's not supposed to be inhabited. And when they're not doing that, frying themselves outside,...
跑到海里去乘凉 they all fling themselves into the sea.
他们那里的海充满危险 简直就是专门为了要人命设计的 Which is inhabited almost exclusively by things designed to kill you.
鲨鱼 水母 在水里漂浮的刀子 那里全都有 Sharks, jelly-fish, swimming knives. They're all in there.
除了澳大利亚 人们还打算去哪里 And then, you know, there's the where else... There's the this is the new world?
还有美国 大家都知道 You know, and the other part of the new world is America.
人们都认为 那是个充满机会的地方 And people think: "That's got a lot of promise."
大概是如此吧 现在还是有人这么想 Still...
尽管如此 我们还是觉得美国人很搞笑 Even though, we're all a bit funny about Americans now a bit.
我认为造成美国人形象不好的原因 I think the reason that happened all that bad feeling about America...
除了他们本身的坏毛病外 is apart from everything that they've done?
是因为美国人里的傻瓜们 It's because American stupid people sound...
比其他国家的傻瓜看着更傻 stupider than every other kind of stupid person.
我们周围有不少人犯贱 但是你可以容忍 Some people are just thick but you put up with them.
但是美国人犯贱你就受不了 But Americans are annoying when they're thick.
比如他们说 你知道吗 我 Because they say: "Well, you know, I was ..." They're talking about one of those terrible...
美国人在说自己每天的不幸遭遇时都这样 他们说 incidents that happen every other day in America. They say:
你知道吗 我就在那里 然后拿枪的那个人就冲进来了 "Well, you know, I was there and the guy came in,..."
他有那么一把枪 懂吗 "and he had like a gun, you know,..."
他就那么开枪射击 大家就那么都死了 "and he was like shooting, and everybody else was totally dead."
这听着也太脱离现实了点 It sounds a little divorced from reality somehow.
这就是为什么有时候人们讨厌美国 So I think that's why there's ill feeling about the place sometimes.
因为美国政府什么事情都插手 Because of everything the administration has done.
你知道 就好像个讨厌的公寓合租人一样 You know, it's like the really bad flatmate of the world.
对不起 我把你的东西弄坏了吗 我不知道那是你的东西 "Oh, sorry. Did I break all your shit ? I didn't know it was yours."
我改天给你换一下 "Yeah, I'll replace it some time..."
用我的东西换一下 "um...with my stuff." And...
因为美国是世界上仅存的帝国了 because it's the only remaining empire.
当然 你们也曾经有过帝国 Of course, you had an empire once.
英国曾经是个巨大的帝国 Britain had a great empire.
曾经支配世界的庞大帝国 And impressively commandeered and sequestered from the rest of the world
你们当初多霸气 把军队开过去说 With great style. You just marched in and said:
你们都给我滚蛋 老子要在这里吃午饭 "You, you and you, fuck off! We're having tiffin."
其他人说 好吧 我这就滚 没关系 And everybody sort of went: "Oh, right, I'll gonna be off now. That's fine."
过了几个世纪他们才醒悟 等等 And it took centuries for people to go: "Hang on a minute..."
我们住这里啊 "We live here."
而美国人的方式就诡诈的多了 The American style is totally different. Far more insidious.
这个帝国用的是完全不同的方式 他们四处伸手 This empire is run on a totally different basis. What Americadoes...is it has a nosy in some place?
这里打一仗 那里炸一下 some war-torn, fuck up place...
找找石油或者巧克力或者其他的什么东西 and it looks for oil or chocolate or whatever it wants.
被他们入侵的国家的人很显然都怒了 And all the indigenous people obviously get pissed off.
他们开始互相联系 煽动敌对情绪 And they begin to meet. They begin to foment.
他们互相打电话说 They ring each other up and say:
Habuwa咱们见面说点事 "You, Habuwa, let's meet and foment...
六点钟见面啊 他们在被炸毁的咖啡店里碰头 说 at six o'clock." In the local bombed-out cafe, they gather round and they say:
我们怎么办 我这是学世界通用的口音懂吗 "What are we go..." I'm doing a pan global accent, OK?
这么说省时间 因为美国入侵的国家遍布全球 It saves time. because America gets around a lot of places.
我们 我这么做是表示贫穷 "What're we..." And this represents poverty.
听着 "Hey listen?
Haguga 听着 "Hey! Haguga, listen,..."
我们怎么对付这些美帝国主义者呢 我们怎么办 "What're we gonna do 'bout the fucking imperialistic Yankee big dog, huh? What're we gonna do?"
他们入侵我们的国家 夺走了我们的财产 我们怎么办 "They come in here they fuckin'they look around, they take our stuff. What're we gonna...?"
我跟你说话呢 把豆子放下 我们怎么办 "I'm talkin' to you! Put down the beans! Listen, what're we gonna do?"
我这是学电影里阿尔帕西诺的样子 It's kind of...Al Pacino from China via Brooklyn. But the em,...
就在这些人商量的时候 美国人怎么办呢 And what the Americadoes... while these people are talking,...
他们慢慢的 they very, very gradually build a
在他们周围建星巴克咖啡店 Starbucks around them.
结果这些人都被咖啡勾掉了魂 不会反抗了 They all become addicted to latte and they lose the will to rebel.
然后他们就都变成美国人了 And then they turn into Americans?
过了几个星期 他们跟我说 after a couple of weeks the kind of people who come up to me and say:
嗨 我是爱尔兰人 "Hi, I'm Irish."
我祖母叫O'Flaherty 你认识她吗 "My grandmother was O'Flaherty. Did you know 'er?"
我总是说 是的 我认识 I always say: "Yes, yes, I did..."
大家都认识 "But then again everybody did."
这是很典型的美国人 But that's a particular kind of American obviously.
你在欧洲看到的美国人 The kind of Americans you see in Europe...
都是很普通的美国人 一副平民样 who often, for some reason, seem to be very generously proportioned.
他们在博物馆里围着展品说 And the...you see them in museums blocking up the exhibits going:
这是什么 这东西能吃吗 我们在哪里 "What is this? Can we eat it? Where are we? Can we ?."
但如果你去美国 那就不一样了 那里充满竞争 And yet when you go to Americayou see that it's a very, very...because it's so competitive and everything.
那里的人非常时尚 而且很瘦 真的 People are ultrafashionable and very thin, really.
我认为在欧洲的美国人 I think the Americans you see in Europe are all the ones...
就是在家里呆着的普通人 who stay in their apartments,
他们拿好食物 就被空运到欧洲来了 get food piped in and then they're just shipped out to Europe.
但是你去美国 可以看到漂亮的不像话的人 But the ones over there... You see these amazing looking people.
他们看着都不像真人了 They don't look real at all.
那些让你无法接受的女人 These incredibly exiguous women.
你懂的 就是瘦的过分 连自己脑袋和牙齿都撑不住的女人 You know, those people who look like they can't support the weight of their own teeth and their head.
在高档酒店进进出出 Stalking in and out of fashionable restaurants.
我不知道他们在那里干什么 或许往自己腿上摸香蒜酱什么的 I don't know what they do in there. Maybe they just rub pesto on their legs or something and...
你懂的 他们瘦的就好像照片一样 You know, they look like they weigh as much as a photograph of themselves and and...
非常会赶时髦 Very fashion conscious.
但是人们仍旧认为美国是机会之地 But people have this idea that it's that it's still the promised land.
比如加利福尼亚州 富饶的地方 You know, somewhere like California where everything is fruitful and abundant.
但是 But...
施瓦辛格是他们的州长 Arnold Schwarzenegger... is the Governor of California.
对此我要说一句英语的常用语 There's a perfectly ordinary English sentence.
这怎么回事 How did that happen!?
知道怎么回事吗 我告诉你 Do you know how that happened? 'cause I'll tell you.
知道他怎么当让州长的吗 You know how he got into that position?
他当上州长 He got there...
靠的是举重 by lifting things.
你和我 是会尽量避免举东西的 Now you and me, we avoid lifting things.
那感觉很不好 It's unpleasant.
尤其是举重东西 Especially heavy things.
就连五岁的孩子都懂这个道理 他们说 Even a five-year-old child knows this. They go:
要我举这么重的东西 去死吧 想都别想 "Huh? No wahaha fuckit?no. I gonna put a Lego up my arse. I'm not doing that. No卬o."
但是施瓦辛格不走寻常路 He took a different approach.
他举很重的东西 你知道 有些时候举重东西是必须的 He lifted the heavy...and you know, you lift something when you have to.
比如钢琴落到奶奶身上了 你得要搬钢琴 Piano falls on granny... you lift the piano.
因为奶奶感觉不爽 'cause granny has mixed feelings about the whole situation.
搬完了就接着吃午餐 Sunday lunch continues.
但是施瓦辛格不这么做 He didn't do any of that!
他就走到那些重的要死的东西跟前 举起来 He went right over to the heavy thing and lifted it...
然后放下 原地不动 and put it back down and didn't move it anywhere.
然后他一举就是几百次 And then he lifted it again hundreds of times.
然后他跟不健身的人装逼说 And said to the people who had stopped to observe this aberrant behaviour.
看看我多厉害 "Look how good I am... "
我多会举重 "at lifting the heavy thing..."
连我下半身都能举重 "in my underpants."
这听着就够贱的了 Now that sounds a little dim.
但是美国人还说 But it was they who said:
你真爷们 "You're the man."
就让你来负责移民问题 水费问题 还有税收什么的破事去吧 "You're the one we want to deal with immigration and water rates and taxes and all that kind of shit."
等等 Now, wait...
我们真的应该搞明白 他的前任得要多烂 才会轮到他当州长 what we need to know is how bad was his predecessor at that job?
估计是每天上班的时候身上沾满孩子的鲜血的家伙吧 You know, this must have been someone who came to work covered in children's blood every morning.
施瓦辛格开车 那种叫做悍马的汽车 He drives one of these vehicles, you know, these things they're called Hummers.
那种四个轮子的巨大机器 You know? It's like a big four-wheel-drive thing.
巨大无比 Huge.
你的JJ得要小到什么程度 How small does you cock have to be?
才会让你去汽车商那里说 To make you walk into a car show-room and say:
给我辆跟学校一样大的车子 "Listen, I need something in the size of a school..."
这样别人就知道我来了 "... so people know I'm around."
开车是一种极具侵略性的行为 As if driving wasn't already aggressive enough.
你看那些开车的人 他们在开车的时候都变样了 You see people behind the wheels and these things. They change,...
你们都见过 伦敦也有那种大车 you know, in those big built-up vehicles. You have them here in London, you know.
因为你开着车 Because it's difficult obviously the
在路这边买咖啡 而卖报纸的在马路另一边 这对开车的你来说很难 我懂 coffee's on one side of the street,you have to get your newspaper from the other.It's tough, I know.
但是在开车的时候人就变样了 People change, they get behind the wheel of those things.
他们一开车就分不清哪个是孩子哪个是薯片 They lose the ability to distinguish between an empty packet of crisps and your children.
开车的确极具攻击性 我最近才明白 Driving is incredibly aggressive. I started to learn recently.
我以前不会开车 最近才开始学 这对我来说太可悲了 因为我都三十五岁的人了 还不会开车 I don't know don't know how to drive and it's fairly pathetic, you know, 'cause I'm I'm thirty early thirty-five.
这太荒唐了 It's ridiculous.
我变得很紧张 因为我不会开车也不会游泳 我想 And then I started getting nervous 'cause I can't swim either and I thought,
我要是把车开到湖里怎么办 我铁定完蛋了 "What if I crash into a lake? I am fucked"
学车很快 但是大多数时候你是在一边开车一边骂人 You learn very, very quickly that it is mostly about swearing actually.
开车就是这样 在个有轮子的铁盒子里骂人 That's all you're doing... swearing in a box with wheels.
你平常是不会这么做的 'cause you don't swear like that with any other activity in your day.
你不允许自己这样做 但是开车的时候就不一样了 You don't allow yourself. It's ok when you're driving for some reason.
如果你走路的时候有人挡住你了 If somebody blocks you when you're a walking
你会很小心自己的行为 You're positively Edwardian in your manners.
你们互相微笑 You do this sheepish little smile together.
你往一边闪开 结果你们同时闪向一侧 你说 And you step aside. And you both do it at the same time. And you go:
哦 天啊 我们这是在干嘛 "Oh, for goodness's sake, what to-do?"
哦 真是不好意思 "Hohoho, dear me!"
我从这边走 哦 我们又闪到同一侧了 我真不敢相信 "I'll just...er I'll just...oh, we did it again! Do you believe it. I can't believe it..."
我们应该上台表演去 "We should be on the stage..."
再来一次 哦 我们怎么会这样 "One more time I'll just... Oh, how did we ever get this far as species?"
但是 But for some reason...
有人开车就会骂街 你这个鸡奸犯 in a car that becomes: "You spoke buggered!"
这话是个八十九岁的神父说的 From, you know, an eighty-nine year-old church warden.
对不起 我 Excuse me, I have a...
我打算把痰咳出去 但是我怕一下咳死 咱们接着说吧 something It'll clear up. It might take me with it but, you know, we'll see...
向开车骂人这种事情很不好 你在哪里都能看到 And all this aggression is terrible actually. You see that everywhere.
通常你以为自己是在生其他开车人的气 People have you know you think you're mad at the other motorist in that case.
但也许是其他的事情 Probably something else.
也许你是生自己过去的气 也或许是生你妈妈的气 You know it's probably something in your own past that you're probably...I don't know...mad at your mother or something.
这就是为什么有那种四十五岁的人在街上乱喊乱叫 That's why you find yourself as a forty-five year old person on the street shouting.
在他们背后肯定有故事 There must be a story behind all those people you see mumbling on the street,
他们的谈话看起来意义深长 历史久远 having those intense conversations that look really, really significant
当然 他们身边没人听就是了 except nobody else is there...and...
你知道 你有时候也会发发飙 You know, you're probably mad at something... I don't...
因为 每个人都有自己的记忆 Because everybody remembers:
比如你记得小时候一个人在厨房呆着 you'd be alone in the kitchen and...
日头西坠 残阳如血 twilight would be dwindling and you could hear...
你可以听到远处孩子的哭声 the far-off cries of the other children playing nearby...
你坐在那里 因为你知道那是你吃点心的时候 and you know you'd be alone in a kitchen 'cause it was your special treat time...
有专门给你预备的果冻 when the the jelly would come out just for you...
你妈妈会出现在你身边 穿着罗兰爱思布做成的裙子 and your mother would appear at your side just this vision of Laura Ashley print dress...
身上有玉兰花和饼干的香气 smelling of magnolias and biscuits...and...
她把果冻放在你的面前 把你的椅子推到桌子边上 put the jelly in front of you and and and you would pull your chair in...
那种老式的冰激凌也端了出来 and then the old-fashioned bar of ice-cream would come down,
已经用面包刀切好了 the one that had to be cut with a bread knife
等着你把冰激凌放到蛋卷里去 before the two sides were flanked with wafers...
你把勺子拿起来 and you would lift your little spoon up excitedly to press it in...
打算挖一勺黑果冻的时候 and winkle out that first divot of black jelly and...and
突然就落下来一个笼子 and then the cage would come down!
笼子里装着日本斗蜘蛛 The cage with the Japanese fighting spiders inside.
她用前臂点燃火柴 She would strike a match off her forearm...
然后扬长而去 告诉你去到外屋去跳舞赚钱 and go and tell you to dance in the front room for money.
这事情你永远忘不了 And you never forget that shit. You know, it never goes away.
很多人还是相信 其他地方的生活会更好 But...this idea of the good life being elsewhere does possess people.
现在很多人 因为欧洲一体化了 And I suppose a lot of people now... because Europe is freed up and everything...
很多人去了德国 许多人 people move within Germany... a lot of...
去了欧洲大陆 我说德国 但是我实际说的是欧洲大陆 within Europe rather... I mean I said Germanybut I meant Europe.
我不知道为什么说德国 但是的确 很多人去德国了 I don't know why I said Germanybut loads of people did go to Germanya ctually,
因为最近有世界杯 recently for the World Cup.
许多英国人去德国 为了讽刺他们 A lot of English people went over to make uninformed prejudicial remarks...
讽刺德国人 讽刺德国 about German people and Germany.
这么做实在是太无知 太固执了 Totally ignorant and bigoted.
对德国一点都不懂 就说三道四的 Know nothing about it... but they feel free to insult it.
因为这就是英国人 他们很固执 Because they're English and they're bigoted...
而且德国的确像个厕所 and because Germanyis a toilet.
非常破烂的地方 A truly dreadful place.
没有理由去德国 那地方太差劲了 Nobody ever has any reason to go there. It is it is a totally dreadful place.
德国就那样 And that's just the way it is...
如果你和个现代的德国人讲话 because if you're talking to a, you know, a modern...
我去过那里 那个周末我还去了澳大利亚和加利福尼亚 I went there. On the same weekend I went to Australiaand California and it's a...
如果你和一个现代的 正直的 和蔼的德国人讲话 you see, the thing is you're talking to a modern, nice, affable, German person...
他们会告诉你 and they're saying to you something like:
现在对于身处欧洲中心的德国来说是个特殊时刻 "You know, well, it's a critical time right now for Germany within Europe,..."
全球经济一体化让德国变得更好 我们比以前日子好多了 "also globally conomically we're pretty good. We have been better."
我们在歌剧艺术方面也有进步 "But we're very vibrant in the theatre and arts and so on?
你一边听他们说 你一边就想 All the time you're listening to this, you're thinking:
是啊 是啊 希特勒 希特勒 希特勒 "Hmmm hmmm yeah, yeah, hmmm, hmmm... Hitler Hitler Hitler Hitler"
你们都是希特勒 干希特勒的事情 希特勒 希特勒 "and the Hitler when you did the Hitler thing with Hitler. ..Hitler Hitler Hitler..."
他们看着都一副猪样 真让你受不了 他们真那样 And the people look like pork. You can't get away from that. They do.
他们就像毛巾裹着的炸猪肉皮 They look like pork scratchings on a towel.
你也不能吃他们的食物 因为你一吃就会骂街 And you can't eat the food because you would have to complain about it...
你要说德语他们才听得懂 德语是很恶心的语言 and that would mean speaking German. It's a disgusting language.
根本就不应该有人说德语 Nobody should ever speak it.
就算希特勒是素食主义者也一样 你看他们的食物多糟糕 Even Hitler was vegetarian. That's how bad the food is.
你不应该说德语 因为那听起来太恶心了 And you couldn't speak German 'cause it's a horrible sound.
听着像吃了锡纸的打字机被踢下楼梯的声音 It sounds like typewriters eating tinfoil being kicked down a stairs.
你跟他们讲德语 他们就这样说 Somebody is talking to you in German, they're saying:
你是不是哪里出毛病了 You think: "What is happening to you from behind? "
我们能不能让你闭嘴 滚一边去好吗 "How can we make it stop? Please, go away."
我这么说 Now, that's not...
我这么说不是偏见 因为这是明摆着的事实 而且 prejudice, that's just observation. And the...
而且我发现英国人非常固执 真的 thing is English people are very bigoted, though, I find.
我是作为一个爱尔兰人这么说的 爱尔兰根本就没参加世界大战 I say that as a neutral Irish person. You know, Irelandwasn't involved in the war at all.
爱尔兰人对于战争的态度就是这样 Ireland's reaction in the war was to go:
怎么了 出什么事了 我没穿好衣服呢 "What? There's a what on? Sorry, what? I'm not dressed."
怎么了 "What is it? What?
你要什么 你要干嘛 "you want to what? You need...you need a...what?"
怎么了 打仗了 打完了啊 哦 好吧 "What is...? War? It's all over, is it? Or will...good...yeah."
你要什么 "What do you want?"
一点用没有 Not very useful.
但是英国人充满偏见 我这么认为的 But English people are quite prejudiced, I think.
我最近才发现的 因为我有许多很不错的英国朋友 Because I've noticed this recently. 'cause I have lots of English friends who are very dear to me and...
你和英国人讲话 I realized recently... when you're talking to an English person...
如果你是外国人 他们跟你分享东西 他们做很友好的事情 and you're from elsewhere, they share with you. They do a lovely thing...
他们跟你讲话的时候 一边说话一边模仿你 when they're talking to you. They they impersonate you as they're talking to you.
有人问我 你要再来一杯吗 Somebody says to me: "Do you want another drink then?"
他们的英国口音听起来好像随时就要死掉一样 You know, in that English voice that suggests they're just about to die at any moment.
- 你要再来一杯吗 - "Do you want another drink?"
- 我想再来一杯 谢谢 - "I would. I'd love another drink. That'd be great. That'd be grand. Thank you."
然后他们就模仿你 说 我想再来一杯 谢谢 They do you. They go: - (accent) "I would, yeah, That'd be great. That'd be grand. That'd be lovely."
- 你他妈这是干嘛 - "What the fucking are you doing?!"
- 没什么 我觉得你是爱尔兰人 这么做很好玩 - (accent) "Nothing. It's just funny 'cause you're Irish and that, you know..."
他们以为爱尔兰人还是那个德行 'cause that's still how Irish people are seen.
两眼放光 胳膊下面夹着头猪 As twinkly-eyed fuckers with a pig under their arm...
跨着大步子满世界走 一边走一边说 high stepping around the world going:
我给你家房子刷漆 但是小心 我会偷你的梯子 吼吼吼 "Ill paint your house now but watch out, I might steal the ladder, hohohoho."
这话只讲对了一半 Which is only half true!
其实是 爱尔兰人充满激情 The thing is though that Irish people are just far more emotional.
我们的激情溶于我们的文化 We include emotion in our culture.
如果你跟英国人说话 If you're talking to an English person...
你搞不明白他家是有人死了还是他刚结婚了 you don't know if they've recently died or just got married.
因为那种英国式的微笑 你好 你好 'cause of that English smile... (accent) "Hello, hello."
好像你舌头下面夹着个腐烂的牡蛎 Looks like you've a rotten oyster under your tongue.
早上好 不要碰我 站一边去 你好吗 你好 "Hello. Good morning. Don't touch me. Stay away. How are you...? Hello." And...
他们只在暴力事件中展现自己的激情 Either that or when emotion does appear it's violent.
他们跟你踢足球的时候那个暴力啊 他们会砸了足球场 连椅子都吃掉 They come and play football with you and rip the shit out of the stadium and eat the chairs.
但是在爱尔兰 Whereas in Irel...somewhere like Ireland...
那里的人更热血 每天都是激情岁月 it's more hot-blooded. There's drama included in the fabric of every day.
时时刻刻都充满激情 Every...it's there every moment.
人们说 天啊 People wake going: "Oh god!..."
几点了 差六分九点 是吗 "What time is it?" "It's six minutes to nine." "Is it?"
我以为差七分钟呢 他妈的真该死 "I thought it was only seven minutes to. We're all fucked!"
天气怎么样了 别告诉我 我自己看 "What's the weather like? Don't tell me! I can't bear to hear. I'll look myself..."
这天气 太差劲了 还不错 "Aaagh! It's fierce - mild!"
我们早饭吃什么 是不是老样子 "What are we having for breakfast? Are you gonna do that thing again..."
把面包放到那个盒子里烤一烤然后吃掉 "with the bread when you put it in the box and burn it?"
这裤子是谁的 我们同时那一条穿上 "Whose trousers are these? Come on, we'll both try them at once..."
看看哪个合适 "and see who wins." It's just...
爱尔兰时时刻刻都充满激情 much more emotional at all times.
他们也不知道为什么 For no real reason.
我有时候想像你们一样 And I think sometimes I'd love to be like you.
酷 冷静 无情 Cool and calm and unemotional.
穿着短袖的新教徒 Protestant, in short.
新教是个很好的宗教 What a...it's a fantastic religion.
对自己的教徒没有什么要求 It makes absolutely no demands upon you at all.
这就是为什么新教不能算是个伟大的宗教 Which is why it's not a great religion.
所有伟大的宗教都是建立在自惭形秽上的 All great religions are built on shame.
但如果你是新教徒就没这个麻烦 You don't have any of that if you're protestant.
你去教堂 唱唱圣歌 You go to the church, you sing a few hymns,...
喝喝茶 然后回家打飞机 have a cup of tea, everybody goes home and has a wank.
你看这多好 You see?
你们有自由的思想 You have the freedom of mind...
你们走到个屋子里去 看见一盘饼干 to walk into a room and see a plate of biscuits, say.
你看着饼干想 And you look at them and you think:
这是一盘子饼干 我也许应该吃一块 也许不吃 "Well, there's a plate of biscuits, I might have a biscuit, I might not,..."
也许一会之后吃 也许我拿一块放在兜里给别人 "I might have one later. I might put it in my pocket and give it to somebody else."
我不管 这只是块饼干而已 "I don't really mind. It's just a biccie."
但是如果你是天主教徒就不一样了 It's not like that if you're catholic.
你进屋 看见一盘饼干 也许会感觉屋子里还有其他东西 You walk in the room, you see the plate of biscuits, there could be other things going on in the room.
屋子或许着火了 The room could be on fire,
或许屋里满是裸体的小丑 用弩箭对射 it could be full of naked clowns killing each other with crossbows.
对于你们新教徒来说 这只是一盘饼干 This doesn't matter to you because all you see is the plate of biscuits.
但天主教徒会说 哦不 我要吃饼干 我知道我要吃 'cause you think: "Oh no, I'm gonna eat them. I know I am."
我要都吃掉 我知道我要这么干 "I'm gonna eat them. I'm gonna eat them all. Oh no, I know I am."
我正往饼干跟前走 我不知道会发生什么 但是我还是在走过去 "I'm even walking towards them. I wasn't aware of that but I am now."
我在吃饼干了 救命啊 救命啊 "I've actually started to eat the biscuits. Help me! Help me!"
哦 太好吃了 哦 我有罪 我有罪 "Oh they're delicious. Oh the shame! The shame! The shame!"
我不知道哪样更好 "Oh I can't tell which is nicer."
饼干还是罪恶感 "The biscuits or the shame!"
这是儿童饼干 太好了 "It's a child's biscuit. That's perfect!"
我不想要大人吃的有巧克力的饼干 "I don't deserve a grown-up one with dark chocolate on it."
太好了 哦 我都吃完了 "Oh, they're so nice. Now, they're all gone."
我有罪 我有罪 我只剩下这个了 "The shame! The shame! That's all I've got left."
没有什么能让我觉得好过了 "Nothing can make me feel better now..."
除了可卡因 "except cocaine."
周而复始 On and on and on.
尽管如此 人们还是去信仰耶稣 And yet, people still turn to Jesus.
你见识过那种人 You will notice though that the kind of people...
信仰耶稣的人 who turn to Jesus...
他们都是些和别人相处不好的人 tend to be the sort of people who haven't done that well with everybody else.
比如在座的各位 Like the people who are here, for instance.
他们对自己说 They say to themselves:
我这辈子日子不好 但是下辈子就会好了 "Well, I can't get it right in this lifetime but in the next life it'll be right."
这种寄希望于来世的想法 一点道理都没有 In the spiritual afterlife. Which makes no sense at all really.
当然如果你信这个 那是你的选择 It's your choice of course if you want to believe all this...
但是 为什么要信你死后有灵魂 有来世这种事情呢 but why would you want a spiritual afterlife?
你现在活着 你当然要好好做人 Surely you should sort the spirit out now while you're here.
你现在的灵魂在你活着的肉体里 你需要去克服人生的困难 接受各种挑战 This spirit is what is challenged, the spirit is what suffers all the knocks.
你要掌控自己的一切 The spirit is the thing you've got to master.
如果你打算有来世 那么为什么不追求另一种形式的存在方式 If you are going to have an afterlife why not just have a physical afterlife?
比如你变成个有触角有嘴唇的怪物 Just come back as a tentacle and a set of lips...
打算找个巧克力做爱什么的 looking for huge lumps of chocolate to fuck?
这样 It'd been much more...
这样更合理一些不是吗 you know, reasonable.
其实是人们很顽固 自己信什么就一直信下去 强迫自己接受自己的原则 'cause the fact is, you prop yourself up with your compulsions all the time.
我就是这样的人 我最近意识到这样 I'm I'm quite a compulsive person. I only worked this out recently.
我也总是强迫自己做这做那 但是我同时又优柔寡断 I'm compulsive but I'm also very indecisive.
我不知道我要什么 但是我知道我现在就想要 I don't know what I want but I know that I want it now...and...
我这个想法有很久了 我以为人人都是这样 I thought for ages, you know, everybody was like this.
我以为所有人都是一周有两次 I thought everybody woke up a couple of mornings a week...
带着用酵母酱做成的手铐 在浴室里清醒过来 in the shower with Marmite-clotted handcuffs...
但很显然不是这样 but apparently not.
每个人的选择都不同 You know, there are sensible choices obviously.
我不怎么嗑药 I don't take loads of drugs...
因为嗑药太乏味了 'cause it's tedious.
嗑药的话 那你的生活就好像例行公事一样无聊 Everything becomes too routine.
你嗑药 然后九个小时就这个感觉 You take the drugs, you stay there for nine hours going: "nnnnnn"
等药劲过去了 你又跑去再买药 Then you run out of "nnnnnnn" and you have to go and buy more.
这种重复的生活有什么意思 我不懂 It's just this endless cycle of repetition. I don't get it.
而且你知道吗 你最好不要对某种东西上瘾 那样不健康 And..um you know, you can't...you can't? you can get addicted to all sorts of things?
当然对水果上瘾除外 except fruit.
耶稣对孩子来说 不是个好榜样 我不这么认为 But Jesus isn't a very good role model for children, I don't think.
也许换个抱怨少一些的人做榜样会更好 You know, they'd be far better of with somebody who's less whiny.
因为耶稣老是在抱怨这个抱怨那个 He did complain an awful lot, Jesus.
- 哦 钉子 哦 醋（这里是指耶稣受难） - 你是救世主 克服一下好吧 - "Oh, nails! Oh, vinegar!" - "You're the messiah, get on with it."
闭嘴行不行 "Would you stop?"
让蝙蝠侠当孩子的榜样更合理 Batman is a far more useful role-model for children.
他也是孤儿 但是他不抱怨 He was orphaned as well he didn't moan about it.
他跑去西藏锻炼自己 He went to Tibet and did press-ups and things...
用本生灯什么的练功 然后回到家乡 戴上面具 with bunsen burners and came back and put on the ears and...
爬上屋顶去准备拯救黎民 got up on the roof ready for anything...
面对自己人生的问题 dealing with his own personal issues.
耶稣总是在抱怨 Jesus moaned all the time.
你看过他的照片 他的手指向画外面 You'll see this in the pictures, pointing outside of the picture.
所有的天主教图片上都这样 指着别人说 In all the catholic iconography, pointing:
我要那个 他有什么 那上面有奶油 我要那个 那是什么 "I want that one. What's he got? He's got cream on these. I want that. What is that?"
或者就抱怨别人 就是他干的 他伤害了我的感情 Or blaming people: "It was him. He hurt my feelings."
但是 我刚打算说别的 但是我忘了 But...anyway... Now I meant to talk about something else earlier on and I forgot what it was.
我好不容易想起来 但是又忘了 I've remembered what it is again but I've also forgotten.
成年人就是这个样子 And that's really what adulthood is like most of the time.
你动不动就回到自己的屋子里 You know you spend a lot of time walking back to the room...
去找你落下的东西 to get the thing that you left the room so that you would go and use it somewhere else and...
你回自己的屋里去找东西 你又忘了 you're on your way back to the room to get the thing. You forget...
你忘了要找什么 你连自己在哪个屋子里都忘了 not only what it is but what room it was in and...
那些爱你的人对你说 you're faced with the people who love you looking at you going:
- 你找什么 你在这里干嘛 - 你说 我不知道 - "What do you want? Why are you here?" And you go: - "I don't know."
这种事情周而复始 You spend an awful lot of time like that.
孩子不是这样 And children aren't like that,...
这就是为什么他们看着年轻 which is why they look so young.
因为他们有自己的原则和目的 Because they always have a sense of style and purpose.
他们行动 都有自己明确的目的 When they're walking around they have a very definite purpose.
连他们走路都虎虎生风 They're walking, walking and it's a great walk as well.
不像成年人那么拖拉着走 It's not an adult sort of bemused shuffle.
好像这样 我要去那里 你说 为什么 It's that: - "I'm going over here." You say: - "Why are you going over there?"
- 因为我拿着个口琴 - 你打算拿这个口琴怎么办 - "'cause I have a harmonica." - "What are you doing with the harmonica?"
- 我要把它扔到厕所里去 - "I'm going to put it in the toilet." And...
- 你为什么这么做 - 别瞎打听了 再见 - "Why are you doing that?" - "Enough questions! Goodbye."
因为孩子敢于表现自己 Because children express themselves.
这就是为什么他们朝气蓬勃充满生机 That's how they look young and vibrant and alive.
所以我们羡慕他们 And why we all envy them.
当你是大人的时候 你就变得很难理解孩子 The child, you know, the children are...are? can be incredibly difficult to understand when you're grown-up.
你忘了自己曾经是个孩子 You forget that you were a child.
比如让孩子去睡觉 Something simple like a child going to bed.
你知道 你说 睡觉去 睡觉去 You know, you say: "Bed time, bed time, bed time."
孩子听到的可不是这样 That's not what the child hears.
孩子听到的是 在暗处给我躺着 What the child hears is: "Lie down in the dark!"
躺一晚上 "For hours!"
而且不许动 "And don't move!"
我把门锁了 "I'm locking the door now."
当然这么做孩子不满意 于是你妥协了 给他们读故事什么的 So the child has trouble with that so of course you make a concession, you read a fairytale or something.
就是那些讲大道理的小故事 You know, all the wisdom of the world compacted into little story.
你说 有个小女孩 离家很远很远 And you say: "There was a little girl lost Many, many miles from home."
她在夜里穿过树林 "Walking through the woods late, late at night..."
树林里都是野兽 四处咆哮游荡 "with the creatures all hooting and howling and the bushes around and stepping..."
树下满是灌木丛 她走到猪栏旁边 开始爬上猪栏 all over the roots of trees. And she came to the old sty and began to climb it..."
但是猪栏断了 断了 "but it broke, you see, it broke..."
她掉了下来 "and she fell down."
但是她爬起来发现自己没事 "But when she got herself up she was alright..."
她看见了家里的灯光 她像灯光处走去 "and you could see the lights at home. And she began to walk towards home..."
然后跳出来个野兽把她吃了 "and then a thing ate her."
晚安 晚安 "Good night!" - "Night-night."
有时候你让孩子睡觉去 因为你厌烦跟孩子讲话 You probably sent the child to bed because you were just tired talking to the child.
因为他们问问题懂吗 'cause the child asks you questions, you see?
这就是养孩子的难处 And this is one of the great things about having a child.
你打算叫他们认识世界 You look forward to teaching this child about the world...
教给他们世界的规律 and how it works.
但是孩子 孩子 But the child..child...children.. the child-ren...
但是孩子长大了就都变成混蛋了 child-ren are... they're like children but they're bigger and they're webbed. They...
孩子跟你看世界的角度不同 they're not really interested in your views on the world.
你知道吗 他们问这样的问题 You know, they have their own questions:
- 梳子的一个个齿中间的空隙叫什么 - "What is the name of the spaces in between the bits that stick out on a comb?"
- 我不知道 我不知道 - "I don't...I don't know. I'm not...I'm not sure."
- 那水壶底下的那块地方叫什么 - "What do you called the place underneath the kettle?"
- 我不知道 睡觉去 - "I don't know! Bed time! Bed time!"
养孩子很难 孩子会睡在你的床上 But it's difficult. Children sleep in your bed.
这是养孩子必经的事情 This is part of having children.
让孩子睡在大人床上是很重要的事情 It's very important for a child's development to sleep in the grown-ups' bed.
因为他们在发育身体 Because their their bones are growing in particular directions.
孩子是个很复杂的东西 You see what happens is children are actually very sophisticated.
他们上你的床是由原因的 They sleep in your bed for a reason.
孩子出世了 他看看周围想 The child is born, it takes a look around and thinks:
我期望的可不是这样 "Well, this isn't quite what I'd hoped for."
这帮人都是白痴 "These people are idiots."
我不能困在这个破烂地方 "I wouldn't have painted the house like this at all."
但是我要做最大的努力 "But I've got to make the best of it so how do I..."
我要占用一切资源 "I've got to maximize my resources..."
所以最重要的是让这些人不要再生孩子 "so the key thing is to stop these people having any more children."
所以他们把自己的尿样挥洒到你的床上 So children get urine samples sent through the post and sprinkle it on their beds.
他们个个都是大忙人 哪有功夫亲自尿床啊 They're busy people. They don't have time to pee the beds themselves.
他们还爬上你的床 And they crawl into your bed.
因为他们很小 所以怎么睡都可以 你一点办法都没有 And because their bones are growing and everything they can only sleep in certain positions obviously.
应该把这些小崽子钉在十字架或者万十字章上才对 The crucifix and the swastika tend to be the most popular.
或者一次钉他两个 Sometimes a combination of the two.
但是真正要命的是 孩子们的那大脚趾甲 But the thing that really relaxes a child is to have their big toe nails
不偏不倚正好放在你的JJ上 lodged squarely in your respective genitalia.
他们这样才能睡得安稳 That ensures a blissful night's slumber.
这样你一晚上就别指望性福了 Then the sexual kidnapping is complete.
不许亲热 "No touchy-touchy, no kissy-kissy."
你们俩今晚上好好休息 明天还要伺候我 "You two needs lots of sleep. I have many questions for tomorrow."
这太要命了 Very important!
但是大人没有孩子的那种直爽了 But you lose so much of that natural, human panache that children have.
比如你让孩子睡觉去 孩子不愿意 You know, you tell the child to go to bed and it puts that against what it wants to do...
他会说 我恨你 and synthesizes. And says: "I hate you!"
我真的恨你 "I really hate you!"
他们一边说还一边用大象玩具抠屁股 As they're scratching their arse with a toy elephant. Now...
如果你做大人也这样 if you could retain that sense of self in your adult life
那就有你好瞧了 you'd have totally different experience.
你上班的时候对老板说 我恨你 还抠屁股 At work telling your boss: "I hate you!" While scratching.
天天让我干这破烂事 我真不知道还来上班干嘛 "I really do. Everyday is the same fucking shit. I don't know why I keep coming back."
想要保持童真是很难的 Difficult to keep a hold of though.
这就是为什么成年人老是那么不知所措 That's why adults are confused a lot of the time.
成年人都这样 糊糊涂涂的过日子 不知道自己该干嘛 Adults are terribly confused, messed-up people.
因为他们忘了自己的童真 That's because they forget really.
其实成年人不需要天天装逼的 其实你们不是什么成年人 They don't have to pretend all the time. Really the fact is you're not an adult at all,...
你们只是个喝啤酒的大孩子而已 you're just a tall child holding a beer...
聊那些你根本不懂的事情 having a conversation you don't understand.
中东问题 哦 那太糟糕了 是的 换我我不那么做的 The Middle-East... "Yeah, I know it was really bad. Yeah, I wouldn't have done that, yeah."
子宫切除术 哦 那太疼了 胳膊受不了 Hysterectomy... "Very painful. The shoulder is very painful area ..."
我老是被吓到 被其他男人吓到 Being intimidated... I get intimidated by men, by other men.
我们聊驾驶课 他们说关于机械和车的事情 You know, we were talking about the driving lessons, there are guys talking in pubs about machines and cars.
那简直是另一种文化了 There's a whole culture of that.
他们说自己车的装置 说自己怎么给车打蜡 然后他们转过头来问我 They're talking about the grenumbulator On their whinny wax on the car. And they turn to me and they go:
- 你车是什么样的 - 我不知道 我要买车的时候 - "What kind of car have you got?" - "I don't know but when I've got one..."
我会选一辆蓝的 哈哈哈 "it's gonna be a blue one. Hahaa!"
男人总是吓唬其他男人 跟其他男人竞争 Man are always intimidating one another, competing with one another.
男人更具侵略性 我这么想 They're more aggressive I suppose.
有这方面的研究 They did this study actually...
芝加哥大学研究的 研究对象是女人 in the University of Chicago... with women.
他们发现 女人很善于识别男人的脸 And they worked out that women are incredibly good at reading male faces.
有两种类型 一种是圆脸 和蔼可亲的人 You know, there's two types apparently. There's a kind of round, soft, sensitive-faced person...
这种人容易相处 他会对你好 对家好 who's a good person to have around. And he's good for you, good for a family.
这种人善于照顾别人 关心别人 Gentle and caring and can emphatize.
另外一种类型就是 And then there's the other type which is more...
有坚硬的下巴 看着很有肌肉的感觉 眼睛小 kind of stronger jawed, more masculine looking...smaller eyes,...
金刚就是这种类型 you know, King Kong is what we're talking about here.
有趣的是 女人容易被这种脸型吸引 And this...interestingly, this was the kind of male favoured by women
这种感觉的学名叫 暂时性吸引 for what was called in the study 'brief relationships'.
这他妈算什么 What the fuck is that?
男人见到女人就往下三路想 什么叫暂时性吸引 When we don't have to roll your tights down the whole way. What is a brief relationship exactly?
我刚才说了那么多 孩子啊什么的 Now I'm talking about all this obviously, I'm talking about children and all that kind of,
还有工作 感情什么的 跟你们假装我有正常的生活 you know, jobs, mentioning these things to pretend to you that I have an ordinary life.
这是因为这样才能拉近我和观众的距离 而你们只是普通人 And this is because I'm you know relating to you...and you're ordinary people...
你们仰视着我 充满敬畏 嫉妒 还有性欲 looking up at me with a mixture of awe, envy and lust. And the thing is...
我的生活不一般 这我不能说瞎话 my life is very different. I can't pretend it's not.
你看看你们早上去上班 路过新闻社 You know, when you go to work in the morning and you're going to the newsagency...
午餐吃的是薯片 辛苦工作吃的是石头 and everything to get your lunch of crisps and fags or stones...
不管你吃的是什么东西 or whatever it is you people live on...
你知道吗 我很长时间没在屋里吃东西了 You know, it's a long time since I has lived in a house or ate food.
瞧瞧看些杂志 因为我所处的时代和文化 You see, all these magazines... because of the times we live in now, the culture...
这些名人名流的事 像一堵墙一样阻挡着你 you know this celebrity stuff...all these... this wall of dreams behind you...
布拉德皮特 安吉丽娜朱莉 我 还有其他人 it's, you know, Brad and Angelina and me and everybody else up there...
俯视着你 让你更加觉得自己的平庸 looking down on you, making you feel even more ordinary.
但是你们都忘了 我们也想像你们一样 But what you forget is that we all want to be you.
我们也想要两三个孩子 没有人在我们住的屋里说话 We all want to have, you know, 2.3 children and live in a house where nobody speaks to one another...
在社会上工作什么的 and work in a building society or something.
我们半夜辗转反侧 用双手打手枪 We lie awake at night tossing and turning, masturbating with both hands...
巧克力还从嘴里掉出来 with boutique chocolates falling out of our mouths,
多希望我们像你们一样 住在像威尔斯登一样的地方（英格兰东南部城市） wishing we could be you living somewhere like Willesden. And...
这对我来说真的很难 因为我是个爱尔兰名人 It's doubly difficult for me 'cause I'm an Irish celebrity.
做单口喜剧是很难的 知道吗 That's very hard gig, you know.
因为不是所有人都能干这行 'cause not many people do it.
没有很多人在做 在做的那些人都不酷 There aren't very many of them... and none of them are cool.
你看看Geldof和Bono 他们就是耍不了酷 You look at Geldof or Bono or anything they can't do cool.
你再看看 把Bowie或者Lou Reed放在时代周刊的封面 他们当然酷了 You put, you know, Bowie or Lou Reed on the cover of Time magazine...of course they look cool.
因为他们酷得起来 看看他们的样子 'cause they can do all that stuff... all those looks.
其中一个说 我都不知道你在这儿 You know, the ones that say: "I don't even know you're there..."
如果我知道的话 我会无视你的 "but if I did I'd ignore you."
有其他星球的人要过来帮我挠痒了 "I'm having people flown in from other galaxies just to come and scratch me."
你做不到 因为你是爱尔兰人 你有张爱尔兰人的脸 You can't do that if you're Irish because you have a...the face.
知道吗 爱尔兰人的脸看起来总像 You know, and an Irish face always looks like
同一时间说了两件非常重要的事 it's been told two very important pieces of information at the same time.
一边有人跑着说 At one shoulder somebody's just run up and said:
你刚刚赢了十亿英镑 "You've just won a hundred million thousand pounds and loads of stuff."
另一边有人在你耳边说 And at the other shoulder somebody's just whispered in their ear:
不过你只能再活三分钟了 "But you only have three minutes to live."
这就是为什么每个爱尔兰人看起来都像这样 That's why everybody looks like this:
所有政客 或者是你在电视上看到的人 All the politicians and everybody you see on television always...
看起来都像刚要从口袋里拿出火腿三明治一样 look like they're just about to pull a ham sandwich out of their pocket...
而且那还不是他们的 and it doesn't actually belong to them.
女士们 先生们 这是第一部分 Ladies and gentlemen, that is the first bit.
我去休息一下 一会见 谢谢 再见 I'm gonna go away and I'll see you in a little? Thank you. Bye.
女士们先生们 有请 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the stage
Dylan Moran Dylan Moran!
你最牛逼 You're the man!
没错 That's right.
感谢你的分享 现在 Thank you for sharing. Now...
- 给我们讲个故事 - 说什么 - 给我们讲个故事 - Tell us a story! - What's that? - Tell us a story!
感谢你瞎起哄 - I appreciate everything you've done.
我喜欢你这样 这样让气氛变得更好 I loved your early work, I think it's only getting better.
我正说着什么 So I was talking about something...
然后就停下来了 and then I stopped.
你们都同意我的观点 然后就撂一边了 And you agreed...we left it there.
我们要说的是 But now, the thing is to get to it...
我真正要说的是 what I really meant say was...
你可能在休息的时候去哪儿喝了几杯 you know, you probably all went and got a drink and everything in the interval...
大家就给你建议 and, you know, were proposed along by your own needs...
让你听从 having them filled.
这就是我们做的事 有些人喜欢 Which is what we do. Some people like...
有些人喜欢用手机拍照 some people are taking pictures on phones.
我不懂 为什么大家要这样做 I don't...why people do that?
我觉得很奇怪 It's very weird...
每个人都这样做 假日的时候也拍照片 Everybody does that now. We all take pic... you do the same with holiday photos.
记录点东西 以后可以回忆 You record something to look back on it.
即使拍照的时候你都不在照片里 Even though you're not really there when you're taking the picture...
因为你忙着帮别人拍照 'cause you're too busy recording it...
你都不在里面 你还可以回顾以前那时光 so you retrospectively going to look back on where you weren't...
告诉你自己那是段美丽的时光 and tell yourself you had a good time. And...
假期的时候拍照就是这样 不对吗 你去了又回来 but that's what holiday photos are, aren't they? You go away, you come back,...
看着照片说 你看 这是... you say: "Look! It's..."
拿照片给你的朋友看 - 看 这是... 这是我们欸 You show your friends: - "Look! It's...it's us."
- 我知道啦 - "I know."
- 对啊 你看 我们在吃鹰嘴豆泥欸 - 你话题转得还真快啊 - "Yeah, but look, we're eating hummus." - "What a transformation."
- 我希望你玩得开心 - "I hope you enjoyed yourselves."
这就是你一直告诉自己的 回忆就是旅游的一种奖励 Because...you...that's what you're telling yourself. It's your reward to go away.
这年头大家都喜欢出去走走 It's still the time of year people are going away.
不过你不能很享受 旅游很不舒服 And you can't really enjoy it. It's very hard anyway.
目前世界上只有一家航空 - Air Denial... There's the only one airline servicing the world now - Air Denial...
大家都上他们的班机 还得假装自己好像在咖啡店里优哉游哉 where everybody gets on and they pretend they're in a cafe...
大家都试图让自己不去想 事实上那个想法已经占据了他们大脑 where they're trying to shut out the one thought that has actually kidnapped their mind, which is:
我们都会死的 "We're all gonna die."
你假装自己在咖啡店里 旁边却是飞机的工作人员 And you pretend you're in a cafe and that's what the people are there, who work on the planes...
他们应该会在这趟奇妙之旅给你服务和支持 are supposed to support you in this fantasy
因为他们会走过来跟你说 你要红酒还是白酒 cos they come along and they say: "Would you like red or white wine..."
要加个硫酸化的蜥蜴的JJ吗 是月球来的噢 "with your piece of vulcanized lizzard's cock! from the moon?"
要不要在水獭脑袋的呕泻物上加点面包卷啊 "How about an extra bread roll there to dip in your otter vomit pate?"
然后你说 红酒还是白酒 亲爱的 你要来点什么 And you go: - "Red or white wine? What you're gonna have darling?"
- 我不知道 你要喝什么 - "I don't know. What are you gonna have?"
说这些话都是为了阻止一直在你脑海里的那个想法 All to shut out the one thought which is in your mind, which is:
我们都会死的 我们都会死的 我们都会死的 就死在这儿 "We're gonna die! We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die! Right now."
飞机是金属做的 机翼是金属做的 "The plane is made of metal, the wings are made of metal,..."
我们都在吃东西 飞机上只有我一个不是恐怖分子 "we're all eating and I'm the only non-terrorist aboard."
我们都会死的 "We're all going to die!"
你在飞机上只有点享受而已 And you kind of...the only enjoyable bit actually about being up there...
如果你有个家庭的话 你有孩子 is if you have a family? you're with your children...
你就会习惯那些坐在你前面的年轻人 and you get to see the young person you used to be sitting a few rows ahead of you...
他们总是转过头看着你 一张苦瓜脸 who'll always oblige you by turning around and giving you that scowling look.
因为你的孩子在瞎嚷嚷 'cause your child reacting to air pressure...
孩子们前面的年轻人说 is expressing themselves by going,
然后他们不以为然地环顾四周 And they look around disapprovingly...
搞得好像你会让他们不那么苦瓜脸 跟他们说 as though you're going to clock that look and go:
噢 不好意思 我会割了这帮崽子的喉咙 "Oh sorry, I'll slit their throat."
毕竟你是为了生意花了钱的 你又是个大忙人 对吧 "after all you paid for business and you're a busy, busy guy, aren't you?"
好像是这些东西一直支撑着你 You kind of prop yourself up with all those things,...
你懂的 假期什么的 you know, holidays and stuff.
特别是在这个地方 人们要是烦了累了 Especially in this part of the world. When people get depressed here
有些事他们真的处理得不太好 they don't really handle it very well.
不过在其他地方 他们就可以做一些有意义的 In other cultures they do something useful.
比如说 跳求雨舞 朝对方扔石头什么的 You know, they have a rain dance or they throw stones on one another or something.
但是在这里 人们被惹毛了 他们就会说 But here, when people get pissed off they go:
我坚持不了了 我再也没办法理解自己的生活了... "I can't carry on, I don't understand my life anymore,..."
我都不知道自己在做什么 他妈的我坚持不了了 我什么都处理不好... "I don't know what I'm doing. I can't fucking handle it, I can't deal with anything..."
玉米饼都不会做 我不明白发生了什么 "including these cornflakes. I just don't know what's going on."
我他妈... 我做不了 "I'm f...I can't do it."
啊... 去他妈的 我要去买张盘 "Ah ah...fuck it, I'll buy a CD."
我要去买张盘 买件夹克 去他妈的 所有人 "I'll get a CD and a jacket! Fuck everybody!" But...
因为你已经失去理智了 你感觉不舒服 because you're out of your mind, not feeling well,...
你就会去买你不需要的东西 you go and you buy stuff you didn't really want anyway,...
比如说 “厄瓜多尔民间唱诗班演绎肯尼罗杰斯的歌”的CD you know, 'The Ecuadorian Women's Folk Choir Doing The Songs of Kenny Rogers'...
再比如说 淡黄色夹克前面还有紫色的纽扣 and you bring it back, some canary yellow jacket with purple buttons up the front...
回来你看着夹克 你在想 这他妈是什么玩意儿啊 and you look at this and you think: "What is this shit?"
我在想些什么 "What was I thinking?"
然后你就拿着那件夹克去了慈善商店 So, you take it to a charity shop.
这事说好听点是在做慈善 That generally is the extent of our charity.
其实就是把我们不需要的破玩意扔掉而已 We give away all the shit we never needed or wanted in the first place.
这就是为什么慈善商店总是发出可怕的 让人绝望的恶臭味 And that's why charity shops themselves have that incredible funk of depression.
那恶臭还分得出不同的种类 在那工作的女人都像活了几百岁的 That layered smell and all the women who work in there are a hundred and three.
其实他们早上去上班前才二十芳龄 And...they were twenty when they turned up for work that morning,...
那些恶臭把她们都给熏老了 they just aged in the smell.
可能有些人走进慈善商店里 Presumably as well there are people going into those shops as well who think...
他们看着那些东西说 那面大提琴状的镜子 when they look at the stuff they go: "That mirror in the shape of a cello..."
都是贝壳腥臭味的那面 太他妈值了 还有吗 "covered in seashells is a fucking bargain. Do you have any more of those?"
有吗 我要十面 "Do you? I need about ten."
你怎么才能摆脱呢 什么才能让你摆脱这种困境呢 So what takes you out of that? What will get you away from all that?
这些你不要的东西 All the interiority you don't need.
孩子们就很擅长 Children are very good actually for that.
他们会教你领悟这个世界 尿到你身上 Teaching you about the world. Peeing on you.
为你和你的过去感到悲哀是很难的 It's hard to feel sorry for yourself and your past...
如果你起床的时候 有人坐在你脸上 if you wake up with somebody sitting on your face...
说 saying:
我肚子饿叻 "I'm hungry."
但是你知道吗 女人 But you know, you women women are more supportive of one another around children.
如果有个女人怀孕了 其他女人就跟着瞎参和 一起谈论 If a woman gets pregnant, you know, other women pitch in and they sort of talk about it...
那样更有用 你懂的 当男人打算要个孩子的时候 and it's far more useful, you know, men, when men are about to have a child,
如果你们有单身男性朋友就知道了 男人不擅长这事 if they have young male single friends, they're not they're not so good. You know this.
你的男性朋友到你家 站那儿看着你和你的宝贝 You know, your male friends arrive and they stand there and they look at you and they come and see the baby...
他们真的不知道怎么带孩子 and they don't really know how to deal with it.
他们就是不懂 因为他们说 You know, they don't get it 'cause they go:
呃 我在这儿 你家到处都弥漫着混杂的恶臭 "Well, I'm here, you know, your house is a medley of disgusting smells,..."
没有吃的东西 每个人都穿着睡衣 "there's nothing to eat, everybody's wearing bathrobes,..."
没有酒吧 我谁都不能操 为什么我还要呆在这儿 "there's no bar, I can't fuck anybody, why am I here?"
女人们就成熟多了 Women tend to be more mature.
你懂的 男人看着奶子就像女人看着孩子 You know, men look at breasts the way women look at babies.
嗷 太有爱了 对吧 "Aww, isn't that lovely?" And they...
如果一个女人怀孕了 她这辈子遇到的所有女人都会出现 if a woman gets pregnant all the women she's ever met in her whole life...
从世界各地的角落到她身边支持她 will appear from all corners of the earth to support her...
跟她说一些怀孕的恐怖故事 by telling her horror stories of all the pregnancies they've ever heard about.
你做得太棒了 你能这样坚持真是太有爱了 "It's fantastic what you're doing. I love the way you're handling this."
不像蜜雪儿那样 - 什么 蜜雪儿怎么了 "It won't be like what happened to Michelle." - "What? What happened to Michelle?"
- 噢 我说蜜雪儿了吗 我不是有意的 真对不起 没事的 - "Oh, did I say Michelle? I didn't mean to mention that, I'm sorry. Don't worry."
她是个笨蛋 怀孕期间她喝水 吃蔬菜 "She was a fool. She ate vegetables and drank water."
宝宝就从她耳朵掉出来了 你没事的啦 "The baby came out her ear. You'll be fine."
你绝对会没事的 不会有事的 "You'll be absolutely fine. Nothing will happen to you."
蜜雪儿只是不能坐下来 她家里也没有人了 "She can't sit down now. Nobody in the family talks to one another."
你会没事的啦 别担心 "You'll be fine. Don't worry about it."
男人还是会嫉妒女人 Men are...men remain envious of women,
不管女人怎么想 男人有时想当女人 despite what women think. Men men would like to to be female sometimes.
这样就能理清更多事情 也能找到解脱之路 To understand things more to have access to have the freedom...
能问一下女人们整天在说的那些问题 to ask these questions that women say every day:
- 你为什么要把毛巾 湿的毛巾 - "Why did you put the towel the wet towel..."
放在浴室的地板上 为什么你要放在那儿 "on the bathroom floor? You left it there! Why did you do that?"
- 呃 我跟我哥们讨论这事讨论了很久了 - "Well, me and the guys were talking about it over a period of weeks..."
你懂的 在勾魂地堡 "you know, in the bunker..."
我们觉得那是放浴巾最好的地方 "and we figured that was the best place for it."
放厨房是没用的 "It wouldn't work in the kitchen."
现在大家都在问的问题 The questions that everybody asks now are
每个人都一直在问对方的问题是 the questions that everybody has always asked about each other.
你懂的 你还是听到大家在说 You know, you still hear all this stuff:
女人想要什么 好像这个问题很神秘一样 "What do women want?" As though it's really mysterious.
好像这问题有什么大不了的 As though it's a big deal.
女人要的就是大家都想要的 All that women want is what anybody wants.
你懂的 友谊啊 伴侣啊 尊重啊 You know, friendship and companionship and respect...
领导能力的同时也要有点屈服啊 and a certain amount of leadership with submission...
还有 男人要一直跟她们的合作啊 and a kind of cooperation at all times...
先发制人的调情啊 and pre-emptive empathy and you know,...
心灵感应啊 这又不是什么大不了的 对吧 general telepathy. It's no big deal, is it?
然后对于男人 同样的问题也会问到 And then when the same questions are asked of men.
男人想要什么 大家总是跟你说其实很简单 "What is it that men want?" You're always told that it's really very simple.
像是女人的贴身内衣内裤啊 You know, something like "lingerie"...
从历史上来说 男人跟女人要内衣内裤 Now historically there hasn't been a big demand...
还没有那么大的需求 for male lingerie from women.
因为你对雄性生殖器能做的太有限了 Because there's a limited amount you can do with male genitalia.
你能做的太有限了 There's a limited amount you can do with anything...
那玩意儿就好像鲨鱼嘴的另一边出来的 that looks like it's hanging out of the side of a shark's mouth. And...
你给它穿件天鹅绒的长衣都不管用 it doesn't really matter if you put a velvet gown around it.
不可能成功的 It's not gonna do the trick.
大家都说这就是男人要的东西 女人的内衣内裤 We're told that this is what that...what men want - lingerie you know...
内衣内裤让女人看起来就像蛋糕一样 for women to look like cakes.
你爱我 跟我在一起 这还不够 "It's not enough that you want to be with me and love me."
你还得有法国的那种浪漫 "You must first be a French fancy." And...
女人们不想这样 传统意义上来说 女人喜欢制服诱惑 Now women don't want that. Traditionally women have been attracted to uniforms.
知道女人要什么并不难 So it's not difficult to know what women want.
法西斯嘛 女人们就喜欢这些人 Fascists - that's really what they're all after.
说说你为什么喜欢纳粹德国 Say what you like about nazi Germany
他们回头率高啊 They turned heads.
纳粹党突击队员不管走到哪儿 Everywhere those storm troopers went...
快看看他 一会他要杀死我们了 这种事情经常发生 "Check him out before he kills us!" That happened a lot.
有时候我在想异性恋会觉得 But sometimes I think it passes through the mind of heterosexual people...
同性恋可能会更容易些 that it might be easier to be gay.
因为很明显地 'cause obviously you know...
很明显 there's apparently...
更少的 less...
你的责任更少 事情就是这样 errrrrr? responsibilities outside yourself. That's how it would appear sometimes.
还有如果你是异性恋的话 And also you know if you're straight...
你被惹毛了或者筋疲力尽了 你能做什么 and you're pissed off or stressed out... what do you do really...
你多吃了一块蛋糕或者喝了你本不该喝的东西 you know, you have an extra piece of cake or a couple of drinks you shouldn't really have.
如果你是同性恋 你就到厕所里 干一个陌生人就可以了 If you're gay you can go to a toilet and fuck a stranger.
Now that's...that has got to work some of the kinks out, hasn't it?
然后他肯定会想 是啊 我现在可以处理我的邮件了 Afterwards he must think: "Yeah, I can deal with my emails now."
就因为这样 异性恋会鄙视同性恋 But because of that then you get straight people disparaging gay relationships...
还说 呃 如果他们是在公厕遇到对方的 那有什么意义呢 and saying: "Well, they can't be meaningful, you know, if they...you met in a latrine."
但是这个国家或者世界其他地方的大多数异性恋者 But most heterosexual people in this country and around the world...
遇到对方 跟对方在一起 meet each other and get together with one another...
是在他们完完全全喝醉的时候 when they're totally, totally drunk.
喝得醉生梦死 Smashed out of their minds...
他们都认不清自己的脸了 然后他们 they could not spell their own face. And they
跟着另一方回到家 可能跟对方呆了几个月 go home with that person. You might spend months with that person...
或者一年 然后可能就有了一个家庭 or a year... or you might have a family.
事情就是这样发生的 你们就是这样遇到对方的 This is what happens. This is how you meet.
但是你们喝醉的时候不会去买烤面包机 But you wouldn't buy a toaster when you're drunk.
因为那个太重要了 面包得烤得酥酥脆脆才行 对吧 'cause that's too important. It's got to be crispy in just the right way, hasn't it?
我觉得这就是为什么你看到情侣们 I think that's why you see couples...
带着刚出生的宝宝 坐在咖啡店的外面 sitting with their new babies outside cafes and so on...
喝喝茶 看着对方 看着婴儿车 drinking tea, looking at one another, looking to the pram,...
看看婴儿车里面 再看着你的另一半 looking into the middle distance and back to one another...
他们脑子里在想 because they're thinking:
他妈的 发生什么事了 "Oh what the fuck happened?!"
我觉得好像就喝了几杯啊 这小家伙是谁啊 "I just thought we were gonna have a few drinks. Who's this guy?"
爱情就跟你们想象的一样神秘 And love is incredibly mysterious as you know.
爱情还是困扰很多人大半辈子的东西 And it's still the thing that troubles most people for a lot of their lives...
直到他们弄明白是怎么一回事 你最后可能会弄明白的 until they work it out and which you? you may do eventually.
在餐馆里你听到情侣们的谈话 You hear the conversations in the restaurants, the lovers speaking to one another.
同样的对话从来就没有变过 And it never really changes.
人们表示爱意的时候总是要跟对方比 People compete with one another as they're telling each other that they love each other.
- 我爱你 - 我爱你 - "I love you." - "I love you."
- 是嘛 但是我真的很爱你 我说的是 我爱你 - "Yeah, but I really love you. I mean I love you."
我爱你二十年前吞下的那只铅笔 "I love pencils you have sucked and thrown away twenty years ago."
我爱你的眉毛 爱你祖宗 爱关于你的一切 "I love your eyebrows and your ancestry and everything about you!"
你吃你的东西 让我爱你吧 别讲话 "Just eat your food and let me love you. Don't speak!" And...
他们当然没意识到 其实他们的对话 they don't know of course at the time that that dialogue is just...
来自大自然写的一本很烂的科学小说 from a very bad science fiction film written by nature.
其实他们真正跟对方说的话是 Really what they're saying to one another is:
繁衍生息 繁衍生息 "The race must continue! The race must continue!"
"My vadudium is pointing at your phenungulator."
繁衍生息 "The race must continue!"
如果他们感情不好的话 四十年后再看 And if they don't handle it properly you see them forty years later,...
还是同样那对夫妇 如果你有时间的话 the same people in the same restaurant, if you have the time...
你去那儿听听他们的对话 you go there and you see them and they communicate on a different way now.
两个人步入中年 In middle age,
他们都处在叫做“无声”的岁月 In some cultures it's called 'silence'.
除非是我错过什么了 不然他们说了很多 Unless I'm missing something and they're saying a lot...
都是用叉子撞击盘子的声音 with the fork hitting the plate.
如果他们的眼光对到一起 这不是亲密 这是尴尬 And if their eyes do meet this time it's not intimacy, it's embarrassment.
那个男的咬排骨咬得格格响 The man makes that noise as he chomps his chop...
喉咙传出的都是可怕的声响 in his throat kind of horrible sound? this?"
听起来像是巴尔干半岛的人在爆粗口 Sounds like a Balkan curse. And...
那个女的也发出不安的声响 the woman has her own noise of disquiet."
她搅拌着沙拉 As she's spearing her salad.
听起来就像鸽子在拉屎的声音 然后 Like you know sounds like a dove having a dump. And then they...
他们回到一起修剪过的床上（本来是要说shared 一起睡的床） they go home to the bed they've sheared for...
修建过的 修建床可不是件容易的事 sheared...when you shear a bed it's it's a difficult process.
当你喝了几杯 回到家后 It's you know, when you go home you're a bit... had a couple of drinks...
床都是毛茸茸的 你得... and the bed's all wooly, and you have to...
你得把这些修一修 and you have to get the clippers out.
我们开始了 别动 "Here we go again. Don't move." And...
他们一起修过床后就一起睡了 and when they've sheared the bed they share it...
然后他们就真的亲密了一把 and they get in with... and they have real intimacy...
这得花很多年的时间 which takes years to achieve, you know...
你才不会跟一个不太熟的人修床上床 you're not gonna get it with somebody you don't know very well,...
还真有一种东西叫“偶暂式性交”（一夜情) not that there really is such a thing as 'casual sex'.
那是什么玩意 What is that? What is that supposed to be?
不可能有真的偶暂式 你总得出现的 It's never really casual. You always have to turn up...and the...
不可能有偶暂式的 除非你们都穿着夏洛克福尔摩斯的帽子 it's never casual unless you're both wearing Sherlock Holmes's hats or something...
你身上都是薯片 还吃着鸡蛋卷 and you're covered in crisps, one of you is eating an omelette,...
另一个人还玩纵横字谜 那才算有点休闲的意思（casual 有偶暂和休闲的意思） the other one is doing a crossword. Then it's kind of casual.
我说的是真的亲密 I'm talking about real intimacy.
当人们不乱来 不滥用“我爱你”这个词 When people don't mess around with all that manipulating the phrase "I love you."
你总是听到人们这样说 我爱你 我爱你 我爱你 我爱你 People...you get this all the time: "I love you. I love you. I love you I love you..."
烤块蛋糕给我 不然就死一边去 "Bake me a cake or go away."
小孩子用“我爱你”这三个字用得炉火纯青 Children can master those three words.
- 早餐吃点什么啊 亲爱的 - "What do you want for breakfast, darling?"
- 蜂蜜炒糖 - "I want sugar fried in honey."
- 不行 你得吃水果 面包 吃些有益你健康的东西 - "No! You're having fruit, bread, wholesome things like that."
- 我爱你 爸爸 - 我也爱你 - "I love you, Daddy!" - "I love you too..."
要糖是吗 我马上回来 "Sugar you say? I'll be right back."
我想说 喜欢特定的食物真的很难 I mean it's just hard to like certain foods.
看看这个 我试图让自己对这东西上瘾 Look at this. I'm trying to addict to myself to it.
水果对我不管用 It doesn't work for me...fruit.
这些就是上帝在炫耀说 It's just God showing off:
瞧瞧我创造的这些颜色 "Look at all the colours I know."
好难吃 Horrible stuff!
周末的时候有人到你家吃晚餐 You know, when somebody comes to your house for dinner or the weekend or something...
要是他们没带瓶酒 或者巧克力 小面包什么的 and they don't bring a bottle of wine or some chocolates or biscuits or something...
他们走后你就开始骂娘 you bitch about that person when they leave saying:
狗日的这么吝啬 什么东西都没带 "Mean motherfucker. Didn't bring anything."
从来就不会听到谁是说 他们什么水果都没带 You never hear anybody saying: "They didn't bring any fruit."
一个瓜都没有 我们还招待了他们三周 "Not a single melon. We had them for three weeks."
连颗葡萄都没带 "I didn't see a grape."
没人喜欢这样 Nobody likes it.
这就是为什么人们在超市里摆了很多面镜子 That's why they put mirrors around it in supermarkets.
你撇到镜子里的自己 你在想 You just catch sight of yourself and you think:
去他妈的 我真的吃点水果了 "Fuck it, I'm dying better eat some of this."
对于小松饼大家就不会这样想了 对吧 They don't do that with the eclairs, do they?
太可怕了 Horrible!
你来一个 确定一下是不是很难吃 You have one - confirm that it's awful.
里面还有小石子什么的 重点是什么 Ah, it's got stones and things in it. What is the point?
我说什么来着 What was I saying?
我都不知道我在讲什么 我刚刚说什么来着 I have no idea what I was saying. What was I saying?
无所谓啦 It doesn't matter.
你懂的 上了年纪嘛 反反复复地忘记些事 But um...yeah, you know it takes ages as well, it goes on and on and on.
这个 这个 这个 这个 这个 说点其他的 Now!...the the the the the other thing you know.
我都不知道要说什么 I don't know!
对了 亲密行为 还有什么是真实的 什么不是 Yes! Intimacy and what is real and what is not.
我在想 And I suppose，you know...
促使爱情发生的条件得刚好 the conditions have to be right of course for for for for love to happen.
当一名女性比当男性困难 我承认这点 You know it is much more difficult to be female, I grant you that.
因为女性身体构造更复杂 Because the body's more complicated.
你懂的 如果你是个女性 这些事情就会发生在你身上 You know, if you're born a woman all these things happen to you.
从一个小宝宝 到小孩子 到小女生 然后是小女人 都是这些事 You're a baby, then a child, then a girl, then a girl-woman and all these things are going on.
女人的一辈子就像演戏一样 不断卸下旧的面具 戴上新的面具 It's a constant opera with masks keep falling to the floor throughout your life.
我是谁 我不懂 小心点 我他妈是个疯子 "Who am I? I don't know! Watch out I'm fucking nuts." And...
如果你是位男性 你出生后 一手的手指指着鼻子 If you're a male, you know, you're born, you have a finger up your nose...
另一手抓着你的小JJ 然后你就长大了 and the other hand on your dick and you get taller.
真的就是这样子 And that is really it.
非常神奇的是 And it's fairly amazing...
想想那些滑稽可笑的禁忌吧 to think of the the the ludicrous taboos...
它们存在于我们这群见多识广 聪明伶俐 有能力的人脑子里 that persist amongst us, informed, intelligent, able people.
就拿生物学来说吧 这么多年了 Just from biology. For all these years...
谈论月经仍然不太可能 it is still a difficult thing to talk about menstruation...
如果你是男性 跟一个女的在一起 with a woman if you're male.
大家很快就能发现你是个年轻的男性了 And you find this out as a young man... very quickly.
因为你跟别人说的是 'cause you're talking to somebody and you're saying:
听着 听着 我同意你刻在餐桌上的每一句话 "Listen listen I agree with everything you're carving on the kitchen table."
真的 "I do."
我真的真的很同意 "I really, really do."
但是你想象一下 你有没有可能感受到这种东西 "But do you think it's possible you may feel this way...
可能因为你... "perhaps because of your per...aaaggghhh!!!"
That first high-kick to the thorax generally does the trick.
从那以后你说起月经这个话题 If you address the subject at all thereafter...
总是显得有气无力 你会说 it's always in the most feeble way. You go:
对啦 对啦 我知道啊 哈哈 对啊 "Yes, yes, I know, haha, yes,..."
你有看过月亮吗 "have you seen the Moon?" You don't...
我们还被告知 这话题是很传统的 And we're told and it's traditional...
女人的事情得 that things have to be just right for a woman...
for certain exchanges...
and acts to happen between you. If you care about somebody...
really, properly care t has to be just right.
You know e're told that men don't need very much. They just...you know they just appear.
All circumstances are fine for any sensitive occasion.
Whereas with women things have to be right.
You know, people are saying "I love you" all the time to reassure one another.
"I love you. I love you. I love you." In bed as they're making love.
- "I love you. I love you." - "Why have you got ham in your bed?"
This is what women say. - "Why?" - "I don't know. It's there.
"Are you hungry? Are you hungry? You're not hungry?"
"You might be hungry later. I don't know. But it's there. I'm prepared." And...
- "What is the noise? There's noise downstairs." - "It's nothing. It's my flatmate."
"Forget it. He won't hear anything."
"I'll tell him everything later anyway. Don't worry about it..."
- "No, we must have music." - "Alright! Christ! I love you. I love you."
"Now there." - "Not Wagner!"
"I feel like I'm being invaded."
- "Oh God! What's the point?"
"You're just lying there anyway, you've taken all the lingerie off. This is too easy."
"Can't you hide under the bed and send up a flare or something."
"This has to be a game for me."
All these games.
All the fear.
Very difficult to tell some people you love them, of course.
Very difficult to tell your father you love him if you're a man.
- "I love you, Dad." - "Oh yeah mm mm h yeaheah..."
"You ok for money?"
- "I'm very good for money. I just want to tell you that I love you."
- "Oh yeah yeah. I'll tell your mother."
You know, it's a difficult thing.
So these people talking in the restaurant...
maybe about what they don't really understand, will find out later.
With everything that happens to them.
And when they go to bed at night years and years later
they do achieve a kind of real intimacy.
But you have to know somebody very well to be able to say:
"I hate the way you breathe."
"Why do you breathe like that? It sounds like it's coming through your !+$%$!# forehead!"
"I haven't slept in 35 years!"
"Do you have any idea how fat you actually are? Do you? Do you have any !+$%$!# idea?"
"No, you don't, do you? Because your little face?
"卛s an island trapped in the sea of flab!"
"I would stab you to death but I can't..."
"afford to take the two weeks off work!"
Nothing that can't be sorted out by a nice cup of tea.
But it is difficult. It is of course...
the people who厀ho厀ho love you, who know you...
who can wound you.
That is the terrible vulnerability. These people know how you卙ow you? how you work.
You can take all kinds of abuse from strangers or people at work or...
people on the street. It doesn't matter. You brush it all off.
But you don't have to get rage or obscenity from somebody who knows you.
They just have to say the right thing at the right time.
"Your nosehair..."
"which is grey..."
"is in my eye."
That'll do it!
We're all...
very woundable.
We all want a certain treatment.
You want to hear things said in a certain way.
I heard a terrible story?
I匢匢 didn't even...I didn't think this kind of thing happened.
But this happened?
This guy knows a guy, it happened...
the guy I know, knows another guy...
it happened to him. And..I'm?very well connected. And...
he told me this man was in bed with his厀ith his person...and...
they were making love. And she actually called out the wrong name.
I didn't think that could happen.
She called out the wrong name. And when I heard that I thought:
'How would you ever recover from something like that?'
You'd be destroyed!
But then I realized, you know, it wouldn't even have to be the wrong name.
Somebody could just say your name in the wrong way.
Because everybody wants to hear: "Oh, John!"
But you don't want to hear: "John!"
Or:
"John?"
But the very worst, you know, patronizing, comforting one: "Ohhoho, John."
These things can change your life!
Ladies and gentlemen, that is all from me.
Thank you very much for coming.
I've enjoyed talking to you. Good night.
Ok厃ou know..quickly 'cause...
you've got to go. Hm?
Listen, the thing is...
you will get to a certain point in your lives.
You get older, you know.
You may have read about it. And...
people don't age well in this country.
Look at them...
You see continental people, tourists, they come around,...
you know the people who are bicycling around in their red and yellow cagoules...
pointing at cathedrals...
With springy white hair...
and rimless, lenseless, glassless spectacles.
Having a wonderful time? Living on yoghurt,...
going home and having sex...
even though they're eighty-three hundred years old.
It doesn't happen like that here, in Britainand Ireland.
You see people aging. It's all wrong. They're wearing brown.
They're at bus stops. They bend over...
holding a half a tin of cat food in a plastic bag.
Talking about the weather they haven't seen in the last 15 years.
Mumbling rubbish? getting closer to the graves...
so they don't have that far to jump when it actually opens up.
Denying their vitality.
That's not the way we should age. You should be as alive as can until you're totally dead.
In all respects. In every sphere.
It is...wait! I think you see...
this is a popular movement.
It is of course dangerous. You have to take advice.
You know, you can't be gung-ho about it.
If you're going to make love to somebody and you're very, very old and they're...
very, very old you have to be sensible.
It is...I hate to use the word 'lube' but I just have.
You have to pretend you're swimming the Channel.
It's...look you change, you all... your body changes...
it's a tinder box down there.
It would be a terrible way to be found the next morning - two charred skeletons
still smouldering in the wheel-barrow position.
Nobody wants to be remembered like that.
You want to be remembered with affection... and dignity.
You might have to think about what you're going to say.
You might have to say something quite good.
You probably won't. You'll say something rubbish like:
"Do you think this is off?" They'll be the last words you'll ever say.
Or worse: "Hey everybody, watch this!"
But before you do...
it's great if you can meet the other person you're supposed to share this mystery with.
And you know when that happens I think. People know when that happens to them...
because you often meet that person at a particular time in your life.
Sometimes when you're young and poor.
You know, when you're living in a room. You're both live in rooms...
where you have all your #%@@? 'cause you're poor.
And it's lit by candlelight and you climb the stairs...
to that person's room. They've been to yours and now you're going to theirs.
It's serious. And...
you're standing opposite that person and there is a moment...
where you realize you're not looking at an expression of...
fleeting lust or some sort of passing of the time...
you know卛n the surrounding befuddlement.
Where actually厃ou know each other? you know you want to be together.
And you realize it and it's an amazing moment when you...
the other person's actually taking their clothes off in front of you...
smiling from the very middle of themselves at you...
saying: "I want to be with you."
And you're looking at them with their bare shoulders all shimmering in this...
roseate candlelight.
And you realize this is the person for you.
And then...
and then the cage comes down!
And your mother jumps from the wardrobe!
With a cigarillo pointing out of the corner of her mouth...
and you kill her with a trowel.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming. Good night.