That's right. She's got her mother's eyes.
Or at least she's got somebody's mother's eyes.
Friend?
Smarten up, honey. Monsters aren't supposed to play hard to get.
Sure, she wants a doctor. They all want doctors.
She hate me.
Come on, sister, give him a break.
Sure, he's got spark plugs in his neck...
...but at least his heart's in the right place.
Give or take a couple inches.
- This place is dead, I'm taking off. - Hold it a second, will you?
What is this you're watching?
We belong dead.
Don't do it, Frank. Don't pull the lever!
I'm not surprised. You just can't say no to some guys.
- I'll see you Monday. I'm leaving. - Leaving?
Maddie, Maddie. What are you doing, doing?
David, David. I'm leaving, leaving.
What'll it do to the morale of the worker bees...
...when they see their queen leaving two hours early?
That's a risk I'm willing to take.
- Why are you leaving? - Why are you stopping me?
- What if I was bored? - What if I wanna get home early?
- Big plans, huh? - No, I wouldn't say big plans.
- Actually I wouldn't even say plans. - No plans on a Friday night?
The day people get paid? The night people get what rhymes with paid?
- It happens. - To you? Is Ripley aware of this?
I had a date. He had to cancel. He had to go to a wedding.
His own.
- Couldn't do both, huh? - He said he met her yesterday.
Something about sharing an umbrella in the rain.
Two straws and a banana daiquiri...
- ...living a lifetime in one night. - I know that girl.
Why couldn't they have met next week? I hate eating alone.
Well, if there's nothing else to discuss...
- What are you doing? - I just had a thought.
- Better get you a doctor. - I can't promise...
...but if I get on the horn PDQ, I may be able...
...to lose a few rendezvous, juggle a few jiggles...
...and I might be able to free up my schedule to squeeze you in.
- Squeeze me in? - Yeah. You know...
...you and me...
...go out. Do something together.
My coat's upstairs.
Well, I hadn't really expected this. Though I don't see why not.
It might be fun doing something together.
- Maybe we could see a movie. - Yeah, sure, a movie.
- There's a French film, it- - French?
- You mean, like, foreign? - Well, what else would I mean?
I don't know.
Dirty?
- Well, how about music, then? - Now you're cooking.
I know a nightspot, perfect place to make you forget.
- Forget what? - It's already working.
By nightspot, you mean soft lights, quiet, a little piano?
Very little piano. None at all.
There's a guy on sax, blows notes you can hear in Seattle.
- This won't work. - Dancing then.
We go out, get totally sweated up-
David, this isn't gonna work. We're not going...
...to agree on anything any more than we ever agree.
- I disagree. - David, I'd just rather go home...
...have a glass of wine and slip into a bubble bath.
Fine. Mind if we stop at my place on the way?
- David, why are we doing this? - Maddie, it's Friday.
We're single people, we owe it to ourselves to find something to do.
- We do? - We do.
- I know. Dinner. - Dinner.
Dinner. Hard to screw up, we both like to eat.
This time, you choose. Anywhere you wanna go.
- Anywhere? You sure? - Anywhere. I'm sure.
There's this restaurant a couple blocks away...
...supposed to have wonderful seafood.
- Seafood? - Monday, David.
Monday?
- Ms. Hayes. - Ms. DiPesto.
- I was just coming in. - I was just going out.
What are the chances of that happening?
- You came to tell us something? - You guessed?
- What is it? - I don't know.
But a cousin of mine had it too. Answered her door before anyone rang.
No, I mean, what is it you wanted to tell us?
A man's here to see you.
- We'll be right out. - Bring him in.
- My office is more appropriate. - What's wrong with doing it right here?
You are already here.
How about this? No pressure.
We go to your house, take off our clothes, get some 90-weight motor oil...
...we rub it all over ourselves, we see what we feel like doing.
It doesn't have to be 90-weight.
- This is Alan Tupperman. - Ms. Hayes. Mr. Addison.
You folks experienced at missing-persons work?
We've done as much of that as anything.
Good. I'd like you to locate this woman.
I'm prepared to pay you $5000 now...
...and $25,000 more once you've found her and brought her to me.
- Do you have a photograph? - Nope.
- A name? - Afraid not.
Well, forgive me but I'm lost.
This is gonna seem a little unorthodox.
Orthodox, unorthodox, we have no religious preference.
Had a rabbi client someone was trying to kill for blowing his bris.
- Go on, Mr. Tupperman. - I don't know who this person is.
- Excuse me? - I don't know who this woman is.
- I've never met this woman. - Then why do you wanna find her?
Ms. Hayes...
...I'm 39 years old.
I cleared more last year than my father made in his entire lifetime.
I get a new car every two and a half years.
I own a house, I own a boat. I'm the kind of man who reads Playboy.
The kind who doesn't leave home without his American Express card.
I shave twice a day because you never know who you're gonna meet.
I believe in God, but not necessarily in any one religion.
And I am miserably, terribly alone.
- Breath problem? - What does all that have to do with us?
This represents everything I'm looking for in a mate. In a partner.
Am I sure she exists?
I am not at all sure she exists.
But if you can find her, it's worth 30,000 to me.
Lord knows I've been out there for 20 years...
...telling the lies men tell women, and I can't find her.
- You're serious. - I'm more than serious, I'm committed.
If you can find this woman, I'll marry her.
Alan, you know what you are? A man ahead of your time.
You've opened up a new revenue source...
- ...for detective agencies. - He did?
- I did? - Sure, I can see it.
Guys place their orders, walk out with a girl of their dreams.
Could have a menu. A trait from column A, a trait from column B, like a deli.
"Give me a brunette who likes racquetball...
...hold the breast, to go. Better yet, I'll have her here."
- Look, if you don't wanna help me- - Alan, Alan, Alan.
What makes you think we're not interested?
The real point is, Mr. Tupperman, why us?
We're detectives, not a dating service.
Have you been out there lately?
I'm at my wit's end. Every night, clubs, bars, searching...
...computer dating, the personals, never finding her.
Starting to think maybe she doesn't exist at all.
Then it occurred to me, maybe it wasn't her.
Maybe it's me. Maybe I don't know how to find her.
It dawned on me that what I've got here is a missing person.
So why not go to people trained to find people?
Trained to find people solely on the basis of a description.
Look...
...I know it sounds strange, but give it some time. Mull it over.
My address and phone number are on the top of that list.
There's a picture and a complete description of me there as well.
Think about it.
I'll call you tomorrow.
- My goodness. - Mine too.
- Well, you wanna know what I think? - About what?
- I think we shouldn't take this case. - This is unusual.
- What's the problem? - You can't see it?
All I can see is a man walks in, puts 5 grand on the table...
...offers us a chance to do something different, unique.
- A chance to- - Pimp.
- Pimp? - Pimp.
Well, I don't see that at all. No, no, no, no, no.
You've misunderstood. We're finding a woman...
...for a man for money. And that's all.
- No. - What do you mean, no?
Isn't this still a discussion?
I'll abide by what you say, but shouldn't there be discussion first?
- Discuss it. I'm going home. - Wait a second.
What about Rambo, the steak, dancing till dawn?
Called because of stupidity.
- You kill me. - Lf only I could.
- We're staring at a great case. - I'm getting cavities listening to you.
An opportunity to give a man a second chance at life.
- I'll be at home. - You don't see it.
Because it isn't there.
But you're wrong, Maddie. It is there.
For once, we won't be investigating a tragedy.
We'll help someone get over one.
We'll do something noble. Helping a man find his future.
- That's crap. - What?
You're so full of crap, it's coming out your ears.
Fine. Can I ask one question?
Sure. You can ask me, but I'm not gonna be here to answer.
- Why'd he come to see you? - What?
Why did he come to you, Maddie Hayes, detective-?
What do you mean, why come to see me?
If he was looking to get lucky, he could have gone to any detective...
...mostly men. Why did he come to you?
- I have no idea. - Because you're a woman, Maddie.
Because he is looking for a partner to share his life with.
And who better to help him find that partner than you?
A sophisticated, intelligent, beautiful woman.
Are we working this weekend?
- Pick me up tomorrow morning. - You got it, partner.
- You're still full of crap. - So, what else is new?
Now, where do we start?
How do we find someone who meets the requirements?
- Never looked for a fantasy before? - Not someone else's.
First we get realistic.
We look at the list and act like it's a test.
We get 60 percent, we pass.
I think we have to do more than pass.
- I may stay up late with homework. - A lot of thought went into this list.
We should do our best to give him what he's looking for.
- You're right. What's he looking for? - Let's see. A hard worker.
- Somebody to do the ironing, got it. - Good listener.
- Follows orders, that's important. - Doesn't overdress.
Wears enough to keep out of jail. I've looked for her.
- Is this going to continue? - I could read, but I'm driving.
Has spent some time serving others.
Cocktail waitress, good. Something to fall back on during hard times.
One of us is having trouble interpreting.
- That's all right. You'll catch on. - I meant you.
Me? No. Seems very clear and to the point.
Obviously not. I described a mature, intelligent woman of substance...
...you describe an oversexed pack horse with a lobotomy and a G-string.
Not true. I believe that good looks and motor skills are important...
...but more than that, she's gotta be hot.
- Young and hot. - Move your organs into the '80s.
This is the list of man who wants more...
...than grabbing some hair to pull into his cave.
It's what every man wants. Somebody who looks good...
...who turns the flame up and makes him feel like a man.
What about companionship and laughter, what about fun?
What are you talking about? That stuff is what other guys are for.
- I don't wanna do this with you. - What's that?
It's clear that once again we are not seeing eye to eye...
- ...which leaves us only one solution. - You want me to pull over now?
This is the situation I had in mind when I suggested considering-
- We'll each find our own woman. - We what?
We each find our own woman. I'll take the high road and you'll take the low.
- And may the better detective win. - You serious?
Right, you're always serious.
Let me get this straight. We each go our own way...
...we find a woman on our own...
...and we let Tupperman decide who's done the best job?
There's gotta be something wrong.
- Why? - I love it.
QUICKFINDER ADFORM
You calling about the ad? Please hold.
Calling about the ad? Please hold.
So, Ms. Vance, let's start at the beginning.
Why don't you tell me about yourself.
Well, I should make it clear that I'm not the kind of person...
Who normally answers these kind of ads, but...
Times being what they are...
Men being what they are...
I thought I'd, well, go out on a limb.
I thought...
...if this offer's legitimate...
What the hell, let's give this cowboy a jump and see what he's got.
It's not that I have trouble getting dates.
Of course, I don't have to tell you that.
I just attract...
The wrong kind of man.
- And a lot of them. - What was the question again?
THE ANTOINE MODELLING AGENCY
I think my background speaks for itself.
I won every science fair at Klamath Falls High.
- If you look at me... - It's obvious that...
I know how to please a man.
- As long as he gets along with my... - Pekingese.
One thing I won't tolerate is...
A man who doesn't floss or believe in proper dental hygiene.
As a matter fact, that's the reason that I divorced my fourth husband.
Or was it my second?
Well, it wasn't Rufus, I only slept with him.
Maybe it was.
What was the question again?
Blue Moon Detective Agency. Strange calls in the night?
Notes in your mailbox by dawn's early light?
Tell us about it, let us get involved.
We'll find the perv and your problems will be solved.
Hello?
Why don't you say something?
To you too.
- I did it. - Did what?
- Found her. - Found who?
- The woman. The woman. - The woman? What woman?
- The one Tupperman is going to marry. - Oh, that woman. Where is she?
Right here.
Molly, this is Agnes DiPesto. Ms. DiPesto, this is Molly Lewis.
- Very nice to meet you. - Likewise.
- Molly's a Rhodes scholar. - Really? You study maps?
Molly's a gourmet cook.
- Really? - Well, it's...
Molly speaks three languages.
Amazing. All at once?
If anyone calls, we'll be in my office.
Fine.
Y'all come back now.
That's tough to do.
Blue Moon Detective Agency. Strange calls in the night?
Strange notes in the-? What?
What do you mean, am I naked?
I know it's a yes-or-no question.
- People. - I'll have to put you on hold.
Something important's going on.
As many of you know, for the past several days...
...I have been engaged in a quest.
A journey...
...an odyssey to find a woman.
Wait, correction, not just a woman.
Well, I have returned.
Gentlemen, don your goggles.
Just a word of warning here.
You don't wanna look directly at this woman.
What you wanna do is punch a pinhole...
...in the center of a piece of paper and watch her through that.
But, hey...
...you're all big boys. You do what you want.
Hey, Stevie.
Anyone got a match?
I gotta go!
I don't know.
I suppose, for me...
...cayenne pepper represents...
...a new food frontier...
...you know?
The search is over. Call off the dogs, we done found the fox.
- David. - Excuse me. I'm a speed gloater.
- David. - Maddie, I looked everywhere.
Over hill and dale, under Roy and Dale, and suddenly...
...there she was...
...Stevie.
- It's okay, I love it. - Not now, David.
Go on, Maddie, give her a spin. Kick the tires.
- You'll agree, there's no need to look- - Addison!
Go cut a switch. Looks like the woodshed for David.
If you two would excuse us for a moment-
Is this-? Is she-?
No. No. No. Two completely unrelated cases.
I feel strongly about discussing cases in front of unrelated people.
We'd appreciate it if neither of you discuss your cases either, understand?
What...
...do you think you're doing, parading that-? That through my office?
That that is gonna get us a $25,000 bonus.
- Oh, really? - Oh, yes, really.
You are even more naive, David, than I imagined.
Yeah, I'm just full of surprises.
It so happens that when you burst in here...
...I was sitting with Alan Tupperman's perfect match.
- Who, her? - Yes, her.
She's a sensitive, intelligent woman...
...who would be insulted to think she was in a kind of contest.
Well, if that's your choice, there is no contest.
- What does that mean? - It means it's over.
If that's your choice, I have to agree.
How can you present that woman to Alan Tupperman with a straight face?
- She doesn't meet his requirements. - She meets two: Willing and female.
You are taking this list too literally. Read between the lines.
- Don't you mean between the sheets? - Maddie, admit it.
Your approach was off base.
You were looking for someone who was the list.
So you got what you got.
I looked for someone who could become the list...
...who could grow to be his dream.
Who could provide him with a garden of earthly delights.
Who could be more important to him than water, air, Monday Night Football.
I just met her, David, she's only a woman.
Only a woman?
Were the '27 Yankees only a baseball team?
Are the Himalayas only a bunch of hills?
Are 36 inches only a yard?
This is not a game, David.
We're trying to help a man with his most important decision.
We're helping Alan Tupperman make a choice to live with...
...for the rest of his life.
Brenda Boring?
Not a choice he wants to live with.
You don't know her. She's perfect for him. She'd make a wonderful wife.
Right, I know the type.
Good little dancer, all the girls like her, don't even mind the hair on her mole.
- You are a repugnant human being. - It's a gift.
Where'd you hook this halibut in case we wanna throw her back?
Where I found her is hardly the point. The point is...
...I conducted a methodical search and came up with the best possible person.
Then maybe I'll just go ask her.
On my line at the supermarket, okay, all right?
She had a fascinating cart.
All kinds of greens, spices, herbs.
- Supermarket, Maddie? - So what?
That doesn't make her less qualified for Alan.
Yeah, right. Medium looks, buys her own food, a potent combo.
You still don't see how important this is.
This isn't just another blind date.
We have to find a woman he can love...
...be his friend, share her life with him while he shares his with her.
This is about romance, David. It matters, and I wanna do it right.
So do I.
But I guess my right and your right are two different things. So...
- So? - So I guess we're not gonna find out...
...whose right is right until Mr. T finds Mrs. Right for himself.
Like you said, may the better detective win.
Yo, Stevie, you wanna bring that moneymaker in my office?
There's nothing wrong with a woman being aggressive, taking the initiative.
What's the worst that can happen?
Blue Moon Detective Agency. Running a pageant, need to know if any girls...
...posed for photos showing more than a competition would allow?
Give us a call and we'll find out now.
We have sources at major men's magazines...
...and we use them to help keep your beauty pageant clean.
It's okay.
You could stop breathing into the phone, it's me.
It's him!
Well...
Hey, wait a second.
- You haven't heard anything either? - Lf you mean, did Molly call, no.
- Gee, I'm surprised. - Surprised?
Well, I'm sure she got home early last night.
- Obviously Stevie hasn't called. - Obviously.
No doubt looking for someone to help her dial.
- Very cute. - All those numbers, all those buttons-
- You're milking it. - We'll know soon enough.
- You worried? - Me?
- You. - Not me.
Me neither. I can wait around all day.
Me too.
The only reason Tupperman didn't call is because he hit pay dirt.
- Excuse me? - You're excused.
- "Hit pay dirt"? - Hit pay dirt.
Rounded third and slid into home.
- I don't wanna know what that means. - You know what that means.
You are the crudest man I've ever met.
You ought to get around more.
She's right here, Ms. Lewis.
It's Molly! She'll be right with you.
Do either of you know how to say that in Italian?
Give me that!
Molly, it's Maddie Hayes. Tell me everything.
Gee, I feel terrible about this.
Now, I know what you're all thinking...
...but don't you know how much I hate being right all the time?
Let's get the Tuppermans a wedding gift. Call Stevie, see what they need.
I'm so sorry, Molly.
So how is old Molly?
Guess love isn't totally blind after all, is it?
Leave me alone, Addison.
I hope they ask Molly to be the old maid of honor.
- I don't wanna do this. - I wonder what it was that put Stevie...
- ...over the top? - For your information...
...I just got off the phone with a woman with little self-esteem left.
With a catch in her voice, tears in her eyes and a knife in her heart.
And that means a guy can't make a couple jokes?
- Men. - You rang?
Why is it every decision, every thought, every ounce of behavior...
...can be traced back to a place just south of their belt buckles?
- You figured that out, huh? - Why...
...given a choice between a woman of beauty...
...and a woman of substance will a man always choose the looks?
- God. - You're a perfect example, you know.
- Good to be perfect at something. - Your attitudes towards Molly...
...how can you be so insensitive, so uncaring?
- I'm dying to hear. - Just comes with the territory.
- The territory? - The territory.
- What, you mean being a man? - You figured that out yourself?
Let me get this straight, Miss Made-a- Million-Bucks-Off-My-Physical-Beauty.
It's not just me, but all men who are insensitive, uncaring, selfish. Right?
- You learn quickly. - A smart mother.
- No doubt. - You know what I can't figure out?
- Left from right? - What you're so upset about.
I'm upset because there's a shattered woman who, as we speak...
...is dealing with the pain of rejection.
- What do you mean? I asked you out. - I'm talking about Molly. Poor Molly.
Poor Molly. Rich Maddie. Rich David. I'm sorry.
All you can think about's the money?
May I take a second to remind you our client was Mr. Tupperman, not Molly.
Mr. Tupperman looked pretty happy now...
...when he handed us this check for $25,000. Happy and spent.
- You're not concerned about Molly? - Nope.
About what she's going through and feels?
- No, no, no, no. - Well, I am.
- Good. And? - And...
...if we can find a Stevie for Mr. Tupperman...
...we can find a Mr. Tupperman for Molly.
Wait, wait. Wait a second. Slow down. The plot's twisting.
We owe her this. We're responsible. We got her hopes up.
What you mean, "we," paleface?
- Okay, me. I did it. I owe this to her. - Owe what to her?
- I'm going to find her a man. - A man?
- A man. - Wait. Two minutes ago...
...you said men are uncaring and selfish.
True! But they beat sleeping alone.
Let me get this straight. We're going in here...
...tell Molly Lewis how sorry we are Tupperman picked Stevie...
- That's right. - ...then find someone else for her...
- ...for free? - For free.
Maddie, let me make a last pitch for the American way...
...where people get what they pay for and vice versa.
See, we're locked in a vicious cycle here.
Find two for Tupperman, leaving Molly.
Find two men for her, leaving some other clown. Find two babes for him.
I could spend the rest of my life...
cruising for burgers I can't eat.
Get out of the car, David.
This isn't the way lacocca would handle it.
Functional. Uninteresting. Past its prime.
Got "Molly" written all over it.
Molly?
Molly.
David, come look in here.
Molly.
Molly, it's David and Maddie.
Molly?
Must be in her minimalist period.
I'm sorry, the house isn't ready to be shown.
- The house? - Yes. Now, I'm not even putting up...
...a for-rent sign till I get a chance...
...to put another coat of paint on the place.
There's been a misunderstanding. We're looking for a Molly Lewis.
- You friends of hers? - Not friends. Not really.
She doesn't live here anymore. She cleared all her stuff out this morning.
Said she was getting married.
- Married? - Married?
She lived here eight years, and she didn't even give me one day's notice.
I mean, "Keep the security deposit," she said-
- Sorry to bother you. - As if that makes up...
...for losing somebody you lived next door to-
- We'll let ourselves out. - And took you to church on Sunday.
Watched the mail when you were gone.
- I don't believe it. - You don't want to.
We just talked to him. You heard what he said.
He changed his mind. A man does have that prerogative.
I don't get it. Good-looking guy...
...no damage on any of the major senses.
No way he takes Ms. Prissy over Ms. March.
Admit it, David. I won. Molly won.
Tupperman won. But best of all, romance won.
Mind if I puke in your purse?
I'm not admitting a thing. Not till I have proof.
What kind of proof?
You know what? You seem naked.
- Naked? - Naked.
- Don't stare. It's not polite. - No, I'm talking about your strut.
- My strut? - Your strut.
This morning when Molly called, I could have sworn I saw a strut.
- Not a strut, a stride. - A stride?
A stride.
We helped a client. Made some money.
I was feeling happy, proud. Full of good feelings over what we'd accomplished.
Full of yourself for what you'd accomplished. Or thought you had.
No answer. It could be the happy couple doesn't wanna be interrupted.
Or maybe he checked out.
Isn't that like young lovers, not to waste any time?
You dirty...
Hi. Any way I can leave a message for Alan Tupperman?
I don't believe so. I believe Mr. Tupperman...
...and his wife checked out a half an hour-
Whoa, back up, his wife?
- Yes, Mrs. Tupperman. - Mrs. Tupperman.
- Kind of short? - No.
This woman was a tall redhead, very attractive, never uses ashtrays.
You don't say.
- Sure she was his wife? - The credit card said...
...Mr. And Mrs. Tupperman.
See? I heard them say that they were...
...on their way home to Connecticut this morning.
Thank you very much.
- "Yoo-hoo" who? - You. We have a problem.
- We? Me or thee? - Definitely we.
- Tupperman's already got a wife. - A what?
A wife. He checked in under the name of Mr. And Mrs.
He came to us for a wife. That's bigamy.
- Wait. The bigamy gets bigger. - Bigger?
When he left, it wasn't with wife one or Molly.
- It was with Stevie. - Stevie?
Do you think he's planning on marrying both?
It'd make him the biggest bigamist in bigamy history. Try saying that fast.
How you doing?
I guess we got our Friday night date after all, huh?
Some big spender.
The redeye flight to Connecticut.
Don't pretend you're not impressed. We're sleeping together.
Maybe they just ran off to a justice of the peace.
Maybe we're too late. Maybe they're all already married.
If we're too late, we're too late. It's not the end of the world.
- The marriage isn't legal, that's all. - That's all?
That's all. They got it done. They can get it undone.
You have got to be the single most unromantic human being...
...on the face of the planet.
Yeah, well, it's something I work at.
Marriage isn't just a ceremony. It isn't just a piece of paper.
A woman gets married for the first time only once in her life. Once.
There's only one first wedding. There's only one first wedding day.
- You've given this a lot of thought. - Wake me when we get to Connecticut.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
I feel funny confronting him. Maybe we should call the police.
There's a scene. "Arrest this man. We set him up for a date...
...and he didn't need one."
The guy must be very stupid or very rich.
- What makes you say that? - Nothing but bills.
Mostly for the missus. I'm surprised he can afford to remarry.
And re-remarry.
- Hasn't the guy ever heard of cheating? - No one's home. What do we do?
- Give me your shoe. - What are you gonna do with it?
- Open the door. - Really?
- Really. - This I've gotta see.
- Simple. - I can't believe you did that!
Did what? How else were we gonna get in?
What's the matter with your shoes?
Nothing. Largely because I don't let people smash windows with them.
Tampering with the mail, breaking and entering.
It's only 10:30 in the morning, David.
- We've already broken two laws. - Tupp-
Tupperman's still ahead. He's marrying three women.
Why don't you look down here. I'll go check in the bedroom.
Go ahead.
- So? - So?
No Tupperman, no Mrs. Tupperman. What do we do now?
- Give me a minute. - Take two. Did you see any pictures?
The Color Purple. Made me blue.
No, I mean of Mrs. Tupperman. I'm curious to see who it is...
...he's leaving for Stevie and Molly.
- Hello. - Hello.
I'm the man from next door. I- I heard the glass...
...and I- I'd noticed the rental car out front.
Cousin Alan promised to leave us a key.
Yeah. I- I saw people moving around in here.
At first, I thought Mr. Tupperman...
...had returned home from the hospital, maybe make it to the funeral?
- Hospital? - Funeral?
You mean, you folks hadn't heard anything about the...? The car crash?
I hate the convenience of it.
The church being around the corner? Lots of people look for that.
No, Tupperman comes to us for a wife.
We find he already has one. Then he loses a wife.
- You accusing him of murder? - Guess I am.
Look at the bright side. He's not as big a bigamist as he once was.
- I don't see him anywhere. - A lot of people here.
- Alan couldn't get out of the hospital. - Excuse me.
- I'll miss her so. - I've heard she was a good woman.
Yes, I heard that too. The self-reliant type.
- Described her as independent. - Had to be, all the traveling Alan did.
That's probably why she kept to herself like she did.
- No Tupperman, eh? - No Tupperman.
- Try the hospital? - Certainly.
Talk about an uncanny resemblance.
- Oh, David. - Oh, Maddie.
- Oh, Stevie. - Oh, Stevie.
Sorry to hear about the missus.
I'm just not sure which missus to be sorry about.
I'm sorry? I don't understand.
If you don't understand, we're in big trouble.
Went to your house. Let ourselves in.
Damnedest thing.
It's full of all kinds of stuff belonging to Mrs. Tupperman.
Clothes, makeup...
...mail. But not a picture of the lady anywhere.
- My wife's camera-shy. That a crime? - Of course not.
But you know what else isn't a crime?
Killing someone who doesn't exist.
- I don't know what you mean. - Wait a minute. Neither do I.
Insurance companies don't pay off without a body.
Do you know what he's talking about?
- What are you talking about? - It was a great idea...
...inventing a wife for yourself.
Who's not gonna believe it? Why would someone lie about something like that?
So...
...a couple of years ago, you went out, bought some clothes...
...sent them to the cleaners once a week, opened some charge accounts...
...not to mention the old joint checking.
But most important, you took out a life-insurance policy.
- When did you figure this out? - During the commercial.
- That's absurd. - So a couple years go by...
...business isn't what it was. You decide to cash in but you need a body.
To be the Mrs. Tupperman who never was.
That's why he came to see us. Not to find a wife, to find a body.
- Do you realize what we just did? - Found the climax?
- At the same time. - Shall we have a cigarette?
Please don't make me use this.
- Molly. - Golly.
Alan, get into your chair.
Molly, I don't understand. Again.
There's nothing to understand.
You were right, I needed a body to perish in a car accident...
...and you sent her to me, Stevie.
But then there was another knock at the door, another woman.
I wasn't prepared for that.
I panicked, now I had to kill two.
I invited her in, and then a funny thing happened.
We fell in love.
I knew it. I knew it, I knew it.
I knew it the minute they saw each other.
Never mind.
Hospital food.
Look at the bright side.
She's definitely not a woman who ties men up for a living.
Gotta hand it to the guy...
...make-believe wife...
...doesn't nag...
...never gets a headache.
Doesn't make a stink when you stay out a little late with the boys.
And...
...at the end of the year...
...you can still write her off your taxes.
David, what are you doing?
Little off around the ears, Ms. Hayes?
What am I doing? It's not, "What am I doing," it's, "What are we doing?"
- And we are going after them. - David, untie me.
- Where's your sense of fair play? - David!
Molly's pushing a guy with a cast on his leg.
We gotta do something to even up the odds.
Let's go. Come on.
- Faster, faster. - I'm trying, I'm trying.
- Slower, slower. - Later, later.
Now, to lift the lids, we'll cut here.
And to lift the jowls, we'll...
...lift and tuck through here.
Gangway!
Oh, doctor! Doctor! I decided I like my face the way it is.
Give it up. You've been caught with your pants down, jig's up.
Oh, yeah?
David!
High and outside, ball two.
David!
Go!
You'd better run.
Molly!
Over there.
Addison, don't-
Get me off this man.
What are you so upset about? He's not even married yet.