[laughs]
Oh, that's so sad.
[laughs]
I have no idea what part you're at.
Ssh! Ssh! Ssh!... Ssh.
Oh, what a twist!
Dude! That was hilarious!
Thanks! It's a drama.
You know what it reminds me of?
"Gilmore Girls".
Really?
There's not even a female lead.
That's why you're part of the problem, dude.
Well, it takes place in a men's prison.
There was just something very...
I don't know...
- .."Gilmore"-y about it. -Hmm.
I should know. It's my favorite show.
Really?
I kinda assumed you didn't grow up with T.V.
since you didn't have, you know,
electricity.
Good point, Daddy.
Scott.
Daddy Scott.
[soft grunt]
But I used to break into this kid's house
to play with his Beanie Babies,
and one day he came home while I was there,
so I hid under his bed,
which was awesome because there was a stash
of Beanies down there, and I was like,
"This must be what heaven's like."
And then he gets into bed and puts on "Gilmore Girls",
and I'm stuck down there but I could hear the whole thing,
and I'm like, "What is this magical show?"
So, every week, I'd break back into his house,
crawl under his bed,
and hang out with the Beanies
and wait to listen to "Gilmore Girls"
with my new best friend while he went to sleep.
He was also my first kiss, but...
I don't think he knows it happened.
I'm just gonna leave that one right there.
You know,
I heard there was a girl who lives in this building
who was on that show.
What?
But I never watched it, so I don't know who she was.
What?
But I do have her number in case of emergency.
What?!
-Should I invite her over? -Yes!
-I'll text her. -[MACK] Oh my god, oh my god...
She said she was gonna read my script anyway, so...
What if it's Lorelai? Or Rory? Or Paris?
What if it's Paris?
How can I even function if it's Paris?
She's coming over!
[MACK] How do I look?
[SCOTT] Panic stricken.
Maybe I should take my shirt off.
Why exactly?
I don't know. I'm not thinking rationally, Daddy.
Scott!
Daddy Scott!
Do not fight me on this right now!
[knocking]
[squeaks]
It's okay! Just take a breath.
Actually if I could just touch you really fast?
No. It's weird.
-Hey! -Hey!
Oh, don't let me forget to give you my script.
You got it.
[MACK] Who is it? Is it Lane? Is it Miss Patty?
Is it Paris?
He's not usually this gay.
Oh, that's okay. That's how I prefer men.
Whose voice was that? It wasn't Babette.
Noooooo...
Oh, I recognize it! It's...
Oh, wait.
Oh, it's April.
Aaaand that's the reaction I'm used to getting.
Wait, what's wrong?
[MACK] Nothing. Nothing's wrong.
April just ruined my life, that's all.
I thought your name was Vanessa.
[laughs] It is. Okay, here we go.
It was a character, dude. Really?
April is not just a character.
She's a heartbreaker.
She breaks children's hearts
and makes ugly collages out of the pieces
that say, "I hate children"!
I'm sensing this isn't going well.
And I took my shirt off for you!
What was I thinking?
[loud sigh] Okay. This was... great.
Uh, thanks for the invite, Scott.
Gonna start stealing your mail!
What-- Wait, what's the problem?
Also, my script!
-[MACK] She's the problem! -I'm the problem. Hmm!
Oh, so we agree.
What is it?!
I played a character
that was kind of the reason the main couple of the show broke up
after years of people waiting for them to get together, so...
[MACK] "Kind of"?
"Kind of" the reason?
That's like saying my mom was "kind of" an alcoholic
or I "kind of" steal money out of Daddy Scott's wallet.
Say what?
[VANESSA] How do you think I felt?
I was a little girl who loved that show.
And then I get it and I'm like, "Oh my God!
This is amazing! I'm a Gilmore girl!"
Basically. By assocation.
Instead, I was the Cousin Oliver of Stars Hollow.
Oh, you know, I heard my script's
a lot like "Gilmore Girls".
Except with prison sex and a meth ring.
Did you know that there's an entire website dedicated
to how I single-handedly ruined "Gilmore Girls"?
Oh, you've seen my site.
That was you?
No.
Maybe.
Definitely.
You had a computer?
I used the sleeping kid's iMac.
But I figured it was okay because I Mack.
I am Mack.
My name's Mack.
I Mack.
So stupid.
I swore that if I ever came face to face
with the person who created that site,
I would cut them.
-Is it bad? -Not really.
Got a knife?
Uhhh... I've got my script. It's pretty sharp.
[laughs]
Bad time. Sorry.
Do you remember that time that, uh, you put my head
on Jar Jar Binks's body and called me "Jar Jar Stinks"?
Well, some people like Jar Jar Bi--
No one likes Jar Jar Binks!
Okay! True. But, hey, that's just kids' stuff, right?
Ha ha! That's right! It's just kids' stuff!
Yeah, so, I guess that's true! [scoffs]
Except for the time that you petitioned the U.N.
to get them to change to an 11-month calendar year
so that the entire planet would forget that April ever existed!
Or I said we could stick with twelve months
and just change the name.
Oh, that's right. You asked that question. That-- Ooh...
"What's worse?
Being swallowed whole by a python or April Nardini?
Ha ha! Just kidding! It's clearly April."
Well, yeah, because the python thing would make a good story.
I've spent twenty thousand dollars on therapy
because of you.
I'm on an FBI watch list because of you.
I've spent three years without sleep because
I spend my night's screaming,
"Ho! God! Why is the universe so mean?!"
because of you.
Sounds like you're kind of obsessed with me.
Not the first time.
You should know, though:
I'm gay.
Obviously.
You're obsessed with "Gilmore Girls" and have a daddy.
Scott.
Daddy Scott.
I'm just gonna let it go this time.
I've spent 13 years thinking about the pain
that I would inflict upon you.
Now here you are,
[sighs] standing right in front of me,
like a lump of corn-fed Play-Doh.
As if.
I'm allergic to corn.
Have you ever thought that, I don't know,
maybe it was Luke's fault
for keeping April a secret this whole time.
Well, no.
Did you ever think, "Aw, she's just a child.
She's innocent in all of this."
Well, no.
Did you watch the revival and maybe think,
"Wow! April's cool now!
I can stop updating my website."
I fast-forwarded your scenes.
[screams] [knife drops]
[grunts]
Dude! I'm, like, way bigger than you!
Ha!!
Aww.
You wanna keep that?
Then I strongly suggest you think about
deleting your website
or I'll cut you into Nardini, tiny pieces.
Well, that didn't quite go as I hoped.
Dude! She was kinda awesome!
If she'd been like that on the show,
maybe I'd've liked her.
My script!
Vanessa!
My script!
Thanks!
Move.
Okay!
Thanks for comin' ov--
It's fine.