1 00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:20,699 Monty Python Live At The Hollywood Bowl English 2 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:26,760 ♪ Sit on my face ♪ ♪ And tell me that you love me ♪ 3 00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:30,240 ♪ I'll sit on your face ♪ ♪ And tell you I love you too ♪ 4 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:34,920 ♪ I love to hear you oralise ♪ ♪ When I'm between your thighs ♪ 5 00:02:34,920 --> 00:02:37,320 ♪ You blow me away ♪ 6 00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:40,720 ♪ Sit on my face ♪ ♪ And let my lips embrace you ♪ 7 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:44,720 ♪ I'll sit on your face ♪ ♪ And then I'll love you truly ♪ 8 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:47,400 ♪ Life can be fine if we both 69 ♪ 9 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:50,200 ♪ If we sit on our faces ♪ ♪ In all sorts of places and play ♪ 10 00:02:50,200 --> 00:03:10,200 ♪ Till we're blown away ♪ 11 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:16,840 Hello, good evening and welcome to the Ronald Reagan Memorial Bowl... 12 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:21,040 ...here in the pretty little L.A. suburb of Hollywood... 13 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:23,600 ...where we're about to witness all in wrestling... 14 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:28,520 ...brought to you tonight, ladies and gentlemen, by the makers of Scum... 15 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:34,760 ...the world's first ever combined hair oil, foot ointment and salad dressing. 16 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:38,360 And the makers of Titan, the novelty nuclear missile. 17 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:41,400 You never know when it will go off. 18 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,560 Surprise your friends, amuse your enemies... 19 00:03:43,560 --> 00:03:45,880 ...start the party with a bang. 20 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,200 Introducing, ladies and gentlemen, tonight... 21 00:03:48,200 --> 00:03:53,360 ...all the way from a mud-wrestling tour of the OPEC countries... 22 00:03:53,360 --> 00:04:00,880 ...in the red corner, Colin "Bomber" Harris. 23 00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:03,360 And ladies and gentlemen, in the blue corner... 24 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:06,520 ...all the way from a mud-wrestling tour of the OPEC countries... 25 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:11,320 ...Colin "Bomber" Harris. 26 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:14,320 Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time... 27 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:19,520 ...that Colin "Bomber" Harris has met himself. 28 00:04:19,520 --> 00:04:22,440 A few formalities now. Any moment now, we'll be ready... 29 00:04:22,440 --> 00:04:25,280 ...for the start of round one. There goes the bell. 30 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:27,920 Colin moves to the middle of the ring there. 31 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:30,200 He's looking for an opening. 32 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,600 Going for the handhold. 33 00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:35,800 He's got it. 34 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:39,280 Into the head-squeeze. A head-squeeze there. 35 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:42,880 A favourite move of Colin's at this opening stage. Right now. 36 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:47,600 And already Colin is working on that weak left knee of his. 37 00:04:47,600 --> 00:04:49,040 The half nelson. 38 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,160 Half nelson and a Philadelphia half lotus. 39 00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,080 And Colin bit himself on purpose there. 40 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,800 And he has been given a public warning by the referee. 41 00:04:55,800 --> 00:05:00,040 And Colin did not like that one little bit. 42 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,160 Double overhead nostril. 43 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:05,560 Back kick and into the Boston crayfish. 44 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,560 No, it's a crawfish. Or is it langoustine? 45 00:05:07,560 --> 00:05:10,920 It's the langoustine. A lovely move. He's caught himself by surprise... 46 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:14,080 ...and that is the first fall to Colin "Bomber" Harris. 47 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:17,600 Well, a lovely move there. Colin must be pleased with himself... 48 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:20,840 ...for having caught himself out with that one. And a forearm chop. 49 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:23,960 A strawberry whip. A vanilla whip. 50 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:27,120 Chocolate whip. There it is, Colin's most famous hold... 51 00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,680 ...the one-leg, over-shoulder Gerry Ford. 52 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,280 And Colin's in real trouble. 53 00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:36,120 He's just made it to the rope. Just a little lucky there. There it is. 54 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:39,240 A double Eydie Gorme. Should be able to twist out of this. 55 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:41,400 And he does but he's looking pretty groggy. 56 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,360 He's caught himself with two forearm smashes and that is it. 57 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:47,440 Colin "Bomber" Harris has knocked himself out. 58 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:49,240 And so he is the winner... 59 00:05:49,240 --> 00:06:06,120 ...and he goes on next week to meet himself in the final. 60 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:11,080 ♪ Never be rude to an Arab ♪ 61 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:18,120 ♪ An Israeli or Saudi or Jew ♪ 62 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:23,280 ♪ Never be rude to an Irishman ♪ 63 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:29,720 ♪ No matter what you do ♪ 64 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:35,280 ♪ Never poke fun at a nigger ♪ 65 00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:41,200 ♪ A spic or a wop or a Kraut ♪ 66 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:59,240 ♪ And never poke-- ♪ 67 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:02,480 Michelangelo to see you, Your Holiness. 68 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:03,920 - Who? - Michelangelo... 69 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:06,480 ...famous Renaissance artist whose works include... 70 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:10,080 ...the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel and the celebrated statue of David. 71 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:13,520 - Very well. - In 1514, he returned to Florence and-- 72 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:19,680 All right, that's enough, that's enough. They've got it now. 73 00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:22,240 - Good evening, Your Holiness. - Evening, Michelangelo. 74 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:26,160 I wanna have a world with you about this painting of yours, The Last Supper. 75 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:28,960 - Oh, yeah? - I'm not happy about it. 76 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:33,520 - Oh, dear. It took me hours. - Not happy at all. 77 00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:36,440 Is it the Jell-O you don't like? 78 00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,680 - No. Whey add a b“ oi amour, don't they'? 79 00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:41,440 Oh, I know. You don't like the kangaroo. 80 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,960 - What kangaroo? - No problem, I'll paint him out. 81 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,360 - I never saw a kangaroo. - He's right at the back. 82 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:52,400 I'll paint him out, no sweat. I'll make him into a Disciple. 83 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:54,800 - All right? - That's the problem. 84 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,560 - What is? - The Disciples. 85 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,560 Are they too Jewish? 86 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,880 I made Judas the most Jewish. 87 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:06,920 No, it's just that there are 28 of them. 88 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,960 Another will never matter. I'll make the kangaroo into another. 89 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,560 - No, that's not the point. - I'll lose the kangaroo. 90 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,600 - I wasn't perfectly happy with it. - That's not the point. 91 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:18,280 There are 28 Disciples. 92 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,280 - Too many? - Well, of course it's too many. 93 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:24,640 I know that, I wanted to give the impression of a real Last Supper. 94 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:29,360 You know, not just any old last supper. Not like a last meal or a final snack. 95 00:08:29,360 --> 00:08:31,920 But, you know, I wanted to give the impression... 96 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:34,800 ...of a real mother of a blow-out, you know? 97 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:38,360 There were only 12 Disciples at the Last Supper. 98 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,560 Maybe some of the other ones came after-- 99 00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:42,240 There were only 12 altogether. 100 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,480 - Maybe some of their friends came by. - Look. 101 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:48,120 There were just 12 Disciples and our Lord at the Last Supper. 102 00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:50,440 The Bible clearly says so. 103 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:52,960 - No friends? - No friends. 104 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,880 - Waiters? - No. 105 00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,640 - Cabaret? - No. 106 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,400 I like them. They help flesh out the scene. I could lose-- 107 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,600 Look, there were only 12 Disciples at-- 108 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,240 I've got it. I've got it. 109 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:10,240 We'll call it The Last But One Supper. 110 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:11,880 - What? - There must have been one. 111 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:15,120 If there was a last one, there must have been a one before that. 112 00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,840 So this is the Penultimate Supper. 113 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:20,520 The Bible doesn't say how many people were there? 114 00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:21,880 - No. - There you are, then. 115 00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:25,240 Look, the Last Supper is a significant event in the life of our Lord. 116 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,520 The penultimate supper was not. 117 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:30,240 Even if they had a conjurer and a mariachi band. 118 00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:34,480 A Last Supper I commissioned from you, and a Last Supper I want. 119 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:38,200 With 12 disciples and one Christ. 120 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:42,120 - One? - Yes, one. 121 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:44,480 Will you please tell me what possessed you... 122 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:48,640 ...to paint this with three Christs in it? 123 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,040 - It works, mate. - Works? 124 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:53,640 Yeah. It looks great. 125 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,840 The fat one balances the two skinny ones. 126 00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:58,840 There is only one Redeemer. 127 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:02,120 I know that. We all know that. What about artistic license? 128 00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:05,560 - Well, one Messiah is what I want. - I'll tell you what you want, mate. 129 00:10:05,560 --> 00:10:08,040 You want a bloody photographer, that's what. 130 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,720 - Not a bloody creative artist to flesh-- - I'll tell you. 131 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:15,160 I want a Last Supper with one Christ, 12 Disciples, no kangaroos... 132 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:18,480 ...no trampoline acts by Thursday lunch... 133 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:20,160 ...or you don't get paid. 134 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:25,520 - Bloody fascist. - Look, I'm the bloody Pope, I am. 135 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:30,680 May not know much about art, but I know what I like. 136 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:43,720 Never be rude to a Polack-- 137 00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:47,280 Hello, and welcome to Munich for the 27th Silly Olympiad... 138 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,440 ...an event held traditionally every three-point-seven years... 139 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:52,720 ...which has brought competitors from over... 140 00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,760 ...4 million different countries. 141 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:57,280 Here we are at the first event of the afternoon. 142 00:10:57,280 --> 00:11:01,040 The second semifinal of the 100 yards for people with no sense of direction. 143 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,280 I'll just give you the competitors' name once. 144 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:06,000 Skolomovski of Poland, Zatapatique of France... 145 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:07,960 ...Gropovich of the United States... 146 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,240 ...Drabble of Trinidad, Fernandez of Spain... 147 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:17,040 ...and in the outside lane, Bormann of Brazil. 148 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:18,640 Well, that was fun, wasn't it? 149 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:21,080 And now over to the other end of the stadium. 150 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:24,600 Here, we're just waiting for the start of the 1500 metres for the deaf. 151 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:29,160 And they're under starter's orders. 152 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:32,520 We'll be coming back the moment there's action. Over to the swimming. 153 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:35,160 You join us here at the Bundesabsurd Pool in time... 154 00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:38,320 ...to see the start of the 200-metres freestyle for non-swimmers. 155 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,400 Watch for the tough Australian champion... 156 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:51,960 ...Ron Barnett in the second lane. 157 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:55,360 We'll bring you back the moment they start fishing the corpses out. 158 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:59,120 But now over to Hans Clegg for the start of the marathon for incontinence. 159 00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:01,560 Well, we've got an enormous entry for this event. 160 00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:04,240 Forty-four competitors from 29 different countries. 161 00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:07,120 Al! of them with the most superbly weak bladders. 162 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:09,400 Not a tight sphincter in sight. 163 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:12,280 Ready to embark nevertheless on the world's longest race... 164 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:14,160 ...and they're just aching to go. 165 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,080 on your mark. 166 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,080 Get set. 167 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:23,000 And they're off, they're off. Well, no, no, no. 168 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,600 We're back at the 1500 metres. 169 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:26,600 The starter is giving a magnificent show. 170 00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:30,840 We've had volleys, rapid bursts scattered random fire, fusillades firing. 171 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,400 Well, and still he can't gel the buggers moving. 172 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:36,440 It's enough to make you chew your own foot off. 173 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,720 And now the high jump. Katerina Ovelenski for the Soviet Union. 174 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:44,680 But what a jump. What a jump! That's got to be a record. 175 00:12:44,680 --> 00:12:49,040 The 3000-metre steeplechase for people who think they're chickens. 176 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:51,120 There's Samuelson of the United States... 177 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,240 ...and over there is Klaus of East Germany. 178 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,360 A Rhode Island Red the last three Olympics. 179 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:57,520 Here's the referee. He's frightened them. 180 00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,680 There's the leader, Abe Seagull of Canada... 181 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:02,080 ...who went off, got a good start then settled... 182 00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:04,280 ...on the water jump, and has now gone broody. 183 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,600 We're back with the marathon for incontinence. 184 00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:10,720 There's Polinski of Poland in the lead'. Brewer of Australia has taken over. 185 00:13:10,720 --> 00:13:13,560 There's Laparche in front. Brewer's gotta spend a penny. 186 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:16,200 There's goes Brewer. There goes Komig from Austria. 187 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:20,240 So now it's Alvarez of Cuba followed by the plucky Norwegian, Bors. 188 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:22,760 They're in and out like yo-yos. There's McNaughton. 189 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,600 The Scottish tad can't hold it. 190 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:28,000 Machievic. Machievic of Yugoslavia has taken over. He can't hold it. 191 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,400 Well, well, these must be the weakest bladders... 192 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:32,160 ...ever to represent their country. 193 00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:46,840 And now let's have a look back at what's going on down on stage. 194 00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,320 Good evening, ladies and Bruces. 195 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:51,080 - Hello, Bruce. - Good day, Bruce. 196 00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,520 - How are you, Bruce? - What's all this lot, Bruce? 197 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:58,880 It's very nice to be here at the Hollywood Bowl this evening. 198 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:03,640 We're all philosophy professors from the University of Woolamaloa, Australia. 199 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:06,360 Australia, Australia, Australia. 200 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:07,840 - We love you. - God bless her. 201 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:12,720 I teach Hegelian philosophy, Bruce here teaches Aristotelian philosophy... 202 00:14:12,720 --> 00:14:16,320 ...and Bruce here is in charge of the sheep dip. 203 00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:20,120 - Difficult work. - It's thirsty work watching this humour. 204 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:23,760 Bruce, why don't you stick out a few little free samples from your Esky--? 205 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,560 Give these Americans our precious-J? 206 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:29,440 See how awful they are? Grasping and trying to get things? 207 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,920 You can feel morally superior and smug. 208 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,640 There's one coming right over there. Mind out. 209 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,960 A big one. 210 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,280 All right. Now, the reason we do this, ladies and Bruces... 211 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:44,120 ...is frankly, over here we find your American beer... 212 00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:47,960 ...is a little like making love in a canoe. 213 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:52,360 - Making love in a canoe? - It's fucking close to water. 214 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:56,240 Piss. 215 00:14:56,240 --> 00:14:58,720 We're gonna try and raise the tone a little here... 216 00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:00,800 ...by singing a nice, intellectual song... 217 00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:03,280 ...for those two or three of you in the audience... 218 00:15:03,280 --> 00:15:04,880 ...who understand these things. 219 00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,400 So here we go. 220 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:11,840 Immanuel Kant was a real pissant Who was very rarely stable 221 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:13,960 Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar 222 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,360 Who could think you under the table 223 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:20,400 David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel 224 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:24,880 And Wittgenstein was a beery swine Who was just as slashed as Schlegel 225 00:15:24,880 --> 00:15:28,160 There's nothing Nietzsche Couldn't teach you 226 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:31,520 About the raising of the wrist 227 00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:38,000 Socrates himself Was permanently pissed 228 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,760 - How'd you like that? All right? - Let's hold it a second. 229 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:45,640 I can see some of these Bruces are in a bit of a playful mood tonight. 230 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,520 Some of the ones that don't have straws up their nose. 231 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:50,920 Anyway, why don't we do something rather fun? 232 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:54,840 Why don't we get some of these guys to sing? And some sheilas too. 233 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:56,360 That's wise, I tell you. 234 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:59,080 - Show them the words. - Okay. I got the words somewhere. 235 00:15:59,080 --> 00:16:00,520 - Right. - Ready? 236 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:06,200 Immanuel Kant was a real pissant Who was very rarely stable 237 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,400 Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy-- 238 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,200 - They're a typical Hollywood audience. - You're right. 239 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:14,160 The kids are on drugs. All the adults are on roller skates. 240 00:16:14,160 --> 00:16:15,680 Right on. 241 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,600 Very philosophical, Bruce. 242 00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,040 Have we got anything bigger to put the words up... 243 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:26,200 ...for these rather short-sighted people? 244 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,560 This is Bruce from the Biology Department. 245 00:16:28,560 --> 00:17:50,520 - All right. Okay. - Here are the words. Here we go. 246 00:17:50,520 --> 00:17:53,080 Sorry to have kept you waiting. I'm afraid my walk... 247 00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:58,360 ...has become rather silly recently. It takes me longer to get to the office. 248 00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,880 Now, what was it again? 249 00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,720 Well, sir, I have got a silly walk. 250 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:06,880 And I'd like to obtain government backing to help me develop it. 251 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:10,240 I see. Well, may I see this silly walk of yours? 252 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:33,320 Yes, certainly. 253 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,840 Yes, I see. That's it, is it? 254 00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:38,040 - Well, yes, that's it. - Yes, yes, yes. 255 00:18:38,040 --> 00:18:42,800 It's not particularly silly, is it? I mean, the left leg isn't silly at all. 256 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:47,120 The right leg merely does a forward, O'Brien half-turn every alternate step. 257 00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:50,760 Yes, but I feel with a federal grant, I could make it a lot more silly. 258 00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,960 Mr. Stagback, the very real problem is one of finance. 259 00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:56,280 You see, there's Defence, Education, Housing... 260 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,320 ...Health, Social Security, Silly Walks. 261 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,400 All to get the same. Last year, the government spent less... 262 00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:04,440 ...on Silly Walks than they did on Industrial Reorganisation. 263 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:08,200 We were supposed to get 348 million pounds a year... 264 00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:11,520 ...to cover our entire Silly Walks Programme. 265 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:19,720 - Coffee? - Yes, please. 266 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:23,720 Hello, Mrs. Two-Lumps, could we have two cups of coffee, please? 267 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:26,520 - Yes, Mr. Teabag. - Mad as a hatter. 268 00:19:26,520 --> 00:19:30,360 You see, the Israelis already have a man who can take his left leg off... 269 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:33,680 ...and swallow it with every alternate step, whereas the Japanese... 270 00:19:33,680 --> 00:19:40,280 ...cunning, electronically-obsessed little-- 271 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:45,640 Yes. Thank you, Mrs. Two-Lumps. 272 00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,200 You're very interested in silly walks, aren't you? 273 00:19:48,200 --> 00:20:42,360 - Rather. - Right. Well, take a look at this. 274 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:46,000 Oh, I've had a bitch of a morning in the high court. 275 00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:50,000 Oh, I could stamp my little feet, the way those counsellors carry on. 276 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,000 - Oh, don't I know it, love? - Oh, dear. 277 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,160 Objection here, objection there. 278 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:58,560 That nice policeman giving his evidence so well. 279 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,800 - Beautiful speaking voice. - And what a body. 280 00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:03,200 - Oh, yeah. - Oh, very. 281 00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:07,560 Well, after a bit, all I could do is bang my gavel. 282 00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:09,880 - You what, love? - I banged my gavel. 283 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,560 - Oh, get away. - I did. 284 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:16,240 I did my "silence in court" bit. If looks could've killed... 285 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:19,440 ...that prosecuting counsel would have been in for 30 years. 286 00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:28,080 - How did your summing up go? - Oh, actually... 287 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,040 ...l did it in my butch voice, you know? 288 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,000 ♪ "What the jury must understand- ♪ ♪ And they loved it. ♪ 289 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,720 I could see that little curly-headed foreman of the jury eyeing me. 290 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:39,000 - Really? - Oh, yeah, cheeky devil. 291 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,960 I finished up with-- I got really strict. 292 00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:45,240 "The actions of these vicious men are a violent stain... 293 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:46,960 ...upon the community. 294 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:50,040 And the full penalty of the law is scarcely sufficient... 295 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:52,200 ...to deal with their ghastly crimes." 296 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:54,400 And I waggled my wig. 297 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,280 - Waggled your what? - I waggled my wig. 298 00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:58,200 - Really? - The only thing I waggled. 299 00:21:58,200 --> 00:22:00,440 Ever so slightly. Stunning effect. 300 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:04,120 Anyway, I gave him three years. He only took 10 minutes. 301 00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:06,840 Well, as I said to Melvin Belly the other day, you know: 302 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:09,240 "You can put it in the hand of your attorneys... 303 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:11,160 ...but it'll never stand up in court." 304 00:22:11,160 --> 00:23:28,800 I know what you mean. 305 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,240 Good evening. 306 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:33,480 Tonight on World Forum we are deeply privileged... 307 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:38,360 ...to have with us Karl Marx, the founder of modern socialism... 308 00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:41,680 ...and author of the Communist Manifesto. 309 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:45,200 Vladimir llich Ulyanov, better known to the world as Lenin... 310 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:49,400 ...leader of the Russian Revolution, writer, statesman... 311 00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:51,800 ...and father of modern socialism. Che Guevara... 312 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:55,280 ...the Bolivian guerrilla leader... 313 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:59,600 ...and Mao Tse-Tung, chairman of the Chinese Communist Party... 314 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:01,800 ...since 1949. 315 00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:05,960 And the first question is for you, Karl Marx. 316 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:07,400 The Hammers. 317 00:24:07,400 --> 00:24:17,320 The Hammers is the nickname of what English football team? 318 00:24:17,320 --> 00:24:20,000 The Hammers. 319 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,960 No? Well, bad luck, Karl. It is in fact Westham United. 320 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:28,160 Now, Che Guevara. Che. 321 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:36,800 Coventry City last won the English Football Cup in what year? 322 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:38,840 I can throw the question open. Anybody? 323 00:24:38,840 --> 00:24:43,840 Coventry City last won the English Football Cup in what year? 324 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:47,400 No? I'm not surprised you didn't get that. It is in fact a trick question. 325 00:24:47,400 --> 00:24:52,240 Coventry City have never won the English Football Cup. 326 00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:55,080 So now with the scores all even, it's on to round two... 327 00:24:55,080 --> 00:24:59,880 ...and Lenin, your starter for $10. 328 00:24:59,880 --> 00:25:05,560 Jerry Lee Lewis has had over 17 major, solid-gold hits in the U.S. of A. 329 00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:10,840 What's the name of the biggest? 330 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:15,400 Jerry Lee Lewis' solid-gold biggie. 331 00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:18,280 No? Yes, Mao Tse-Tung? 332 00:25:18,280 --> 00:25:26,320 -"Great Balls of Fire"? - Yes, it was indeed. 333 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,960 Very well challenged. We come on to our third round. 334 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:32,040 Our contestant tonight is Karl Marx... 335 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:38,480 ...and our special prize is this beautiful lounge suite. 336 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:42,720 Karl has elected to answer questions on workers' control of factories... 337 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,840 ...so here we go with question number one. 338 00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:49,280 Nervous, Karl? Just a little. Well, never mind, Karl. Have a go. 339 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,200 The development of the industrial proletariat... 340 00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:55,040 ...is conditioned by what other development? 341 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:57,920 The development of the industrial bourgeoisie. 342 00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:00,440 Good, yes, it is indeed. Well done, Karl. 343 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:03,240 You're on your way to your lounge suite. 344 00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,400 Now, Karl, number two. 345 00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:10,520 The struggle of class against class is a what struggle? 346 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:15,240 - A political struggle. - Good. Yes, it is indeed. 347 00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:17,160 Well done, Karl. One final question... 348 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:21,600 ...and that beautiful, non-materialistic lounge suite will be yours. 349 00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:25,760 Ready, Karl? You're a brave man. Your final question. 350 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:29,560 Who won the English Football Cup in 1949? 351 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:31,760 The workers control the means of production. 352 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:34,200 The struggle of the urban proletariat. 353 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:37,600 No, it was Wolverhampton Wanderers, who beat Leicester 3-1. 354 00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,720 On, shit. 355 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:43,680 Get out of here. 356 00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:46,680 Well, no one leaves this show empty-handed. 357 00:26:46,680 --> 00:26:50,280 So we're gonna cut off his hands. 358 00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:53,080 Well, now it's talent-spotting time, ladies and gentlemen. 359 00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:57,120 And please, see if you can spot any talent in our next competitors. 360 00:26:57,120 --> 00:26:59,920 Will you please give a very big hand and a warm welcome... 361 00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:10,000 ...to Carl Weetabix and Rita. 362 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:13,600 I'm the urban spaceman, baby I've got speed 363 00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:17,080 I've got everything I need 364 00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,200 I'm the urban spaceman, baby I couldn't fly 365 00:27:20,200 --> 00:27:24,040 I'm a supersonic guy 366 00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:28,080 I don't need pleasure I don't feel pain 367 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:31,480 If you were to knock me down, I'd just get up again 368 00:27:31,480 --> 00:27:35,120 I'm the urban spaceman, baby I'm making out 369 00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:38,240 I'm all about 370 00:27:38,240 --> 00:27:41,960 I wake up every morning With a smile upon my face 371 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:45,760 My natural exuberance Spills out all over the place 372 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:49,480 I'm the urban spaceman Fm intelligent and clean 373 00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:52,880 Know what I mean? 374 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:57,880 I'm the urban spaceman As a lover second to none 375 00:27:57,880 --> 00:27:59,760 It's a lot of fun 376 00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:03,640 I never let my friends down, I've never made a boob 377 00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:07,200 I'm a glossy magazine, An advert on the tube 378 00:28:07,200 --> 00:28:10,760 I'm the urban spaceman, baby Here comes the twist 379 00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:41,960 I don't exist 380 00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:44,160 - Mr. Hilton? - Yes. 381 00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:48,040 You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company? 382 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:52,160 I am. 383 00:28:52,160 --> 00:28:55,120 Constable Parrot and I are from the Hygiene Squad. 384 00:28:55,120 --> 00:28:57,160 We'd like to have a word with you... 385 00:28:57,160 --> 00:29:00,680 ...about your box of chocolates entitled the Whizzo Quality Assortment. 386 00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:03,320 - Good, yes. - If I may begin at the beginning. 387 00:29:03,320 --> 00:29:06,000 First, there is the Cherry Fondue. 388 00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:09,080 Now, this is extremely nasty. 389 00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:12,040 - But we can't prosecute you for that. - Agreed. 390 00:29:12,040 --> 00:29:15,440 Next, we have number four. Crunchy Frog. 391 00:29:15,440 --> 00:29:16,960 Yes. 392 00:29:16,960 --> 00:29:20,040 Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here? 393 00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:21,920 Yes, a little one. 394 00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:24,040 -Is it cooked? - No. 395 00:29:24,040 --> 00:29:25,720 What, a raw frog? 396 00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:30,560 We use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq. 397 00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:32,760 Cleansed in the finest quality spring water. 398 00:29:32,760 --> 00:29:35,200 Lightly killed and sealed in a succulent Swiss... 399 00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:38,360 mquintuple-smooth, full-cream, treble milk chocolate envelope. 400 00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:41,040 And lovingly frosted with glucose. 401 00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:44,080 That's as may be, but it's still a frog. 402 00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:45,240 What else would it be? 403 00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:47,480 Well, don't you even take the bones out? 404 00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:53,880 If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it? 405 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:56,560 Constable Parrot ate one of those. 406 00:29:56,560 --> 00:29:59,280 - Would you excuse me a moment, sir? - Yes. 407 00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:02,360 Well, it says Crunchy Frog quite clearly. 408 00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:04,640 Never mind that. We have to protect the public. 409 00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:07,640 People aren't going to think there's a real frog in chocolate. 410 00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:10,080 The superintendent thought it was an almond whirl. 411 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:12,680 They're bound to think it's some kind of mock frog. 412 00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:14,120 Mock frog? 413 00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:17,880 We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind. 414 00:30:17,880 --> 00:30:21,480 Nevertheless, I advise you in future to replace the words "Crunchy Frog"... 415 00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:26,000 ...with the legend "Crunchy, raw, un-boned, real, dead frog"... 416 00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:27,960 ...if you want to avoid prosecution. 417 00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:29,440 What about our sales? 418 00:30:29,440 --> 00:30:31,920 I don't give a damn. We have to protect the public. 419 00:30:31,920 --> 00:30:35,360 Now, what was this one? Number five. It was number five, wasn't it? 420 00:30:35,360 --> 00:30:43,320 Number five, Ram's Bladder Cup. 421 00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:45,760 Now, what kind of confection is this? 422 00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:49,880 We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder. 423 00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:53,240 Emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds. 424 00:30:53,240 --> 00:30:56,360 Whipped into a fondue and garnished with larks' vomit. 425 00:30:56,360 --> 00:30:59,120 - Larks' vomit? - Correct. 426 00:30:59,120 --> 00:31:02,960 It doesn't say anything down here about larks' vomit. 427 00:31:02,960 --> 00:31:07,800 Yes, it does. On the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate. 428 00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:11,040 I hardly think this is good enough. It would be more appropriate... 429 00:31:11,040 --> 00:31:15,480 ...if the box bore a big red label warning larks' vomit. 430 00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:17,280 Our sales would plummet. 431 00:31:17,280 --> 00:31:20,680 Well, why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionary? 432 00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:24,440 Like praline or lime cream-- A very popular flavour, I understand. 433 00:31:24,440 --> 00:31:25,840 --Or Strawberry Delight? 434 00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:30,160 I mean, what's this one? Cockroach Cluster. 435 00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:51,760 And this? Anthrax Ripple. 436 00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:54,680 And what's this one? Spring Surprise? 437 00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:58,600 That's our speciality. Covered in darkest, velvety smooth chocolate. 438 00:31:58,600 --> 00:32:00,400 When you pop it in your mouth... 439 00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:07,120 ...stainless steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks. 440 00:32:07,120 --> 00:32:09,720 If people pop a nice chockie in their mouth... 441 00:32:09,720 --> 00:32:12,720 ...they don't expect to get their cheeks pierced. 442 00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:16,520 In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. 443 00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:19,200 I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station. 444 00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:41,840 - It's a fair cop. - And don't talk to the audience. 445 00:32:41,840 --> 00:32:46,840 Albatross. 446 00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:51,080 Albatross. 447 00:32:51,080 --> 00:33:00,440 -I'd like some. Albatross! 448 00:33:00,440 --> 00:33:05,040 You're not supposed to be smoking that. 449 00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:07,760 Albatross. Don't take them. 450 00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:11,440 - What flavour is it? What flavour is it? - Sea gull sickle. 451 00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:13,760 Well, I'll have a one. 452 00:33:13,760 --> 00:33:17,360 Pelican bonbon. 453 00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:21,600 - Albatross. - Could I have two ice creams, please? 454 00:33:21,600 --> 00:33:24,600 I haven't got any ice creams. I've just got this albatross. 455 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:28,880 - Albatross. - What flavour is it? 456 00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:33,040 Well, it's an albatross, isn't it? It's not any bloody flavour. 457 00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:35,680 - Albatross. - There's gotta be some flavour. 458 00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:37,560 - Everything's got flavour. - All right. 459 00:33:37,560 --> 00:33:40,080 Bloody albatross flavour. 460 00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:45,320 Bleeding sea bird bleeding flavour. Albatross. 461 00:33:45,320 --> 00:33:49,320 - You got wafers with it? - I don't have fucking wafers, you cunt. 462 00:33:49,320 --> 00:33:53,560 - It's a fucking albatross, isn't it? - Stop that, stop that. 463 00:33:53,560 --> 00:33:55,440 It's filthy. 464 00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:58,600 Come along. Right now, we need you. The one in the black... 465 00:33:58,600 --> 00:34:00,280 ...we need you for another skit. 466 00:34:00,280 --> 00:34:02,520 You get off. You're not even a proper woman. 467 00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:05,080 - Don't oppress me, mate. - What are you trying to do? 468 00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:07,560 - Avoid registration or something? - Bleeding sexist. 469 00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:11,600 Just get off. Come along, we need you for a skit. 470 00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:13,880 No one enjoys a good laugh more than I do. 471 00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:16,960 Except perhaps my wife and some of her friends. 472 00:34:16,960 --> 00:34:20,440 And Capt. Johnson. Come to think of it, most enjoy a good laugh... 473 00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:22,840 ...more than I do, but that's besides the point. 474 00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:25,440 Where's the other person for this skit? 475 00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:27,760 Right. Do you want to sit in that chair? 476 00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:32,160 And to the skit. 477 00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:33,920 Evening, squire. 478 00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:38,880 Good evening. 479 00:34:38,880 --> 00:34:42,080 Is your wife a goer? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? 480 00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:47,200 Nudge, nudge, know what I mean? Say no more. 481 00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:53,200 - I beg your pardon. - Your wife. Does she go? Does she go? 482 00:34:53,200 --> 00:34:56,720 Well, she sometimes has to go, yes. 483 00:34:56,720 --> 00:34:59,960 I bet she does, I bet she does. Say no more, say no more. 484 00:34:59,960 --> 00:35:02,600 Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. 485 00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:05,880 - I'm afraid I don't quite follow you. - Oh, follow me, follow me. 486 00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:08,760 That's good. That's very good. A nod's as good as a wink... 487 00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:11,240 ...to a blind bat. 488 00:35:11,240 --> 00:35:15,680 - Are you selling something? - Selling, selling. Very good indeed. 489 00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:20,040 You're wicked, you are. Wicked. 490 00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:21,880 Wicked. 491 00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:23,800 Say no more. 492 00:35:23,800 --> 00:35:25,960 But I-- 493 00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:29,760 So your wife's interested in sport? 494 00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:31,560 She likes sport, yes. 495 00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:34,880 I bet she does, I bet she does. 496 00:35:34,880 --> 00:35:37,280 As a matter of fact, she's very fond of cricket. 497 00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:40,000 She likes games? Likes games? 498 00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:42,840 Knew she would. She's been around a bit. She been around? 499 00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:52,680 She has travelled, yes. She's from Glendale. 500 00:35:52,680 --> 00:35:58,320 Say no more. 501 00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:03,200 Glendale, squire. Say no more, say no more, say no more, say no more. 502 00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:05,840 Well, I-- 503 00:36:05,840 --> 00:36:07,280 ls your...? 504 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:12,960 Is your Glendale wife interested in photography? 505 00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:14,920 Photography? -"Photographs?"... 506 00:36:14,920 --> 00:36:17,920 ...he asked him, knowingly. 507 00:36:17,920 --> 00:36:20,480 Photography? - Snap, snap, grin, grin, wink, wink... 508 00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:22,200 ...nudge, nudge, say no more. 509 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:24,120 - Sort of holiday snaps. - They could be. 510 00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:27,080 They could be taken on holiday. Swimming costumes. 511 00:36:27,080 --> 00:36:29,280 Candid, you know? Candid photography. 512 00:36:29,280 --> 00:36:31,880 No, we don't have a camera. 513 00:36:31,880 --> 00:36:40,880 Still. 514 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:44,360 Look. Are you insinuating something? 515 00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:49,880 Oh, no, no, no. Yes. 516 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:52,280 - Well? - Well, I mean, you're-- 517 00:36:52,280 --> 00:36:54,360 You're a man of the world, aren't you? 518 00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:57,640 - You've been around, you know? - What do you mean? 519 00:36:57,640 --> 00:37:00,920 Well, I mean, like, you've-- You know, you've, like... 520 00:37:00,920 --> 00:37:08,760 ...you've done it, you know? You've slept with a lady. 521 00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:10,800 Yes. 522 00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:17,240 What's it like? 523 00:37:17,240 --> 00:37:21,880 Good afternoon and welcome to a packed Olympic Stadium Munchen... 524 00:37:21,880 --> 00:37:26,480 ...for the second leg of this exciting final. 525 00:37:26,480 --> 00:37:30,080 And here come the Germans new, lead' by their skipper, "Hobby" Hegel. 526 00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:33,360 They must start favourites. They've attracted the most attention... 527 00:37:33,360 --> 00:37:35,480 ...from the press with their team problems. 528 00:37:35,480 --> 00:37:38,040 And let's now see their lineup. 529 00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:40,800 The Germans playing four-two-four, Leibniz in goal. 530 00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:43,320 Back four: Kant, Hegel, Schopenhauer and Schelling. 531 00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:46,200 Front-runners: Schiegei, Wittgenstein, Nietzsche, Heidegger. 532 00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:48,800 And the midfield duo of Beckenbauer and Jaspers. 533 00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:52,960 Beckenbauer obviously a bit of a surprise there. 534 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:56,560 And here come the Greeks, led off by their veteran centre half Heraclitus. 535 00:37:56,560 --> 00:38:00,040 Let's look at their team. As you'd expect, ifs a more defensive lineup. 536 00:38:00,040 --> 00:38:02,120 Plato's in goal. Socrates, a front-runner. 537 00:38:02,120 --> 00:38:05,920 And Aristotle as sweeper. Aristotle, very much the man in form. 538 00:38:05,920 --> 00:38:11,640 One surprise is the inclusion of Archimedes. 539 00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:12,920 Here comes the referee... 540 00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:15,600 ...K'ung-fu-tzu, Confucius and his two linesmen: 541 00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:17,640 Saint Augustan and Saint Thomas Aquinas. 542 00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:21,080 And as the two skippers come together to shake hands... 543 00:38:21,080 --> 00:38:23,200 ...we're ready for the start of this final. 544 00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:27,400 The referee, Mr. Confucius, checks his sound. 545 00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:30,880 And they're off. Nietzsche and Hegel there. 546 00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:35,000 Jaspers, number seven on the outside. Wittgenstein there with him. 547 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:36,640 There's Beckenbauer. 548 00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:39,160 Schelling's in there, Heidegger covering. 549 00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:41,000 Schopenhauer. 550 00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:44,640 And now it's the Greeks. Epicurus, Plotinus number six. 551 00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:48,360 Aristotle. Empedocles of Acragus, and Democritus with him. 552 00:38:48,360 --> 00:38:53,920 There 's Archimedes. Socrates. There he is, Socrates. 553 00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:57,200 Socrates there, going through. 554 00:38:57,200 --> 00:38:59,120 There's the ball, there's the ball. 555 00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:02,440 We'll be bringing you back to this... 556 00:39:02,440 --> 00:39:12,080 ...exciting contest the moment anything interesting happens. 557 00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:14,640 - Very passable, this. Very passable. 558 00:39:14,640 --> 00:39:17,480 Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chasselas, Josiah? 559 00:39:17,480 --> 00:39:19,720 Oh, you're right there, Obidiah. 560 00:39:19,720 --> 00:39:22,680 Who would have thought 30 years ago... 561 00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:27,280 ...we'd all be sitting here drinking Chateau de Chasselas? 562 00:39:27,280 --> 00:39:29,600 We were glad to have the price of a cup of tea. 563 00:39:29,600 --> 00:39:31,440 A cup of cold tea. 564 00:39:31,440 --> 00:39:34,960 - Without milk or sugar. - Or tea. 565 00:39:34,960 --> 00:39:39,120 - In a cracked cup was all. - Oh, we never used to have a cup. 566 00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:42,200 We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper. 567 00:39:42,200 --> 00:39:46,120 The best we could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth. 568 00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:49,360 But, you know, we were happy in those days although we were poor. 569 00:39:49,360 --> 00:39:52,320 Because we were poor. My old dad used to say to me: 570 00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:55,200 -"Money doesn't bring you happiness." - He was right. 571 00:39:55,200 --> 00:39:57,880 I was happier then and I had nothing. 572 00:39:57,880 --> 00:40:00,920 We used to live in this tiny, old, tumbledown house... 573 00:40:00,920 --> 00:40:03,240 ...with great big holes in the roof. 574 00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:05,360 House? You were lucky to live in a house. 575 00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:07,800 We used to live in one room, all 26 of us. 576 00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:09,920 No furniture, half the floor was missing. 577 00:40:09,920 --> 00:40:13,720 We were all huddled together in one corner for fear of falling. 578 00:40:13,720 --> 00:40:17,040 You were lucky to have a room. We used to live in the corridor. 579 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:21,760 Oh, we used to dream of living in a corridor. 580 00:40:21,760 --> 00:40:23,800 Would have been a palace to us. 581 00:40:23,800 --> 00:40:27,320 We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. 582 00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:30,680 We got woke up every morning by having a load of rotting fish... 583 00:40:30,680 --> 00:40:33,840 ...dumped all over us. House? 584 00:40:33,840 --> 00:40:36,520 When I say house, it was just a hole in the ground... 585 00:40:36,520 --> 00:40:40,760 ...covered by a sheet of tarpaulin. But it was a house to us. 586 00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:44,200 We were evicted from our hole in the ground. 587 00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:47,360 We had to go and live in a lake. 588 00:40:47,360 --> 00:40:49,200 You were lucky to have a lake. 589 00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:55,200 There were 150 of us living in a shoebox in the middle of the road. 590 00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:59,160 Cardboard box? You were lucky. 591 00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:04,000 We lived for three months in a rolled up newspaper in a septic tank. 592 00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:06,920 We used to have to get up at 6:00 and clean the newspaper... 593 00:41:06,920 --> 00:41:10,080 ...go to work down the mill, 14 hours a day, week in, week out... 594 00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:12,440 ...for six pence a week. And when we got home... 595 00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:16,680 ...our dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt. 596 00:41:16,680 --> 00:41:19,520 Luxury. 597 00:41:19,520 --> 00:41:21,920 We used to have to get out of the lake at 3:00... 598 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:25,280 ...clean the lake, eat hot gravel, work 20 hours a day at the mill... 599 00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:28,320 ...for twopence. Dad would beat us around the head and neck... 600 00:41:28,320 --> 00:41:32,520 ...with a broken bottle if we were lucky. 601 00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:35,080 Well, of course we had it tough. 602 00:41:35,080 --> 00:41:37,840 We used to have to get up in the middle of the night... 603 00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:41,080 ...and lick the road clean with our tongues. 604 00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:43,760 We had to eat half a handful of freezing cold gravel... 605 00:41:43,760 --> 00:41:45,880 ...work 24 hours a day for four pence... 606 00:41:45,880 --> 00:41:47,320 ...and when we got home... 607 00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:51,800 ...our dad would slice us in two with a bread knife. 608 00:41:51,800 --> 00:41:54,000 Right. 609 00:41:54,000 --> 00:41:58,280 I had to get up at 10:00 at night half an hour before I went to bed. 610 00:41:58,280 --> 00:42:01,400 Eat a lump of cold poison, work 29 hours a day down mill... 611 00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:03,720 ...and pay mill owner for permission to work... 612 00:42:03,720 --> 00:42:06,200 ...and when we got home, our dad would kill us... 613 00:42:06,200 --> 00:42:11,080 ...and dance about on our graves, singing "Hallelujah." 614 00:42:11,080 --> 00:42:14,520 And you try and tell the young people of today that... 615 00:42:14,520 --> 00:42:21,800 -...and they won't believe you. - No, they won't. 616 00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:24,920 There may be no score, but there's no lack of excitement here. 617 00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:28,640 As you can see, Nietzsche has just been booked for arguing with the referee. 618 00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:31,840 He accused Confucius of having no free will and Confucius, he say: 619 00:42:31,840 --> 00:42:33,280 "Name go in box." 620 00:42:33,280 --> 00:42:37,120 And this is Nietzsche's third booking in four games. 621 00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:40,200 And who's that? It's Karl Marx. Karl Marx is warming up. 622 00:42:40,200 --> 00:42:43,720 It looks as though there's going to be a substitution on the German side. 623 00:42:43,720 --> 00:42:47,280 Obviously, manager Martin Luther has decided on all-out attackers. 624 00:42:47,280 --> 00:42:50,080 Indeed he must with only two minutes of the match to go. 625 00:42:50,080 --> 00:42:52,240 The question is, who is he going to replace? 626 00:42:52,240 --> 00:42:55,200 Who's gonna come off? Jaspers, Hegel or Schopenhauer. 627 00:42:55,200 --> 00:42:57,960 But it's Wittgenstein who saw his aunty only last week. 628 00:42:57,960 --> 00:43:01,400 Here's Marx. Let's see if he can put some life into this German attack. 629 00:43:01,400 --> 00:43:03,760 Evidently not. What a shame. 630 00:43:03,760 --> 00:43:06,520 Now we've just over a minute left. A replay on Tuesday... 631 00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:09,160 ...looks absolutely vital. And there Archimedes. 632 00:43:09,160 --> 00:43:10,800 And I think he's had an idea. 633 00:43:10,800 --> 00:43:14,200 Eureka! 634 00:43:14,200 --> 00:43:17,520 Archimedes out to Socrates. Socrates back to Archimedes. 635 00:43:17,520 --> 00:43:20,160 Archimedes out to Heraclitus. He beats Hegel. 636 00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:23,040 Heraclitus, a little flick, here he comes on the far post. 637 00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:25,080 Socrates is there. Socrates heads it in! 638 00:43:25,080 --> 00:43:28,080 Socrates has scored. The Greeks are going mad. 639 00:43:28,080 --> 00:43:31,280 The Greeks are going mad. What a beautiful cross from Archimedes. 640 00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:33,680 The Germans are disputing it. Hegel is arguing... 641 00:43:33,680 --> 00:43:37,200 ...that the reality is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics. 642 00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:41,200 Kant is holding that, ontologically, it exists only in the imagination. 643 00:43:41,200 --> 00:43:45,120 And Marx is claiming it was offside. But Confucius blows the final whistle. 644 00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:48,920 It's all over. Germany having trounced England's famous midfield trio: 645 00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:51,120 Bentham, Locke and Hobbes in the semifinal... 646 00:43:51,120 --> 00:43:54,720 ...have been beaten by the odd goal. And let's see it again. 647 00:43:54,720 --> 00:43:58,240 There it is. Socrates heads it in and Leibniz doesn't have a chance. 648 00:43:58,240 --> 00:44:01,600 And just look at those delighted Greeks. 649 00:44:01,600 --> 00:44:05,280 There they are, "Chopper" Socrates, Empedocles of Acragus. 650 00:44:05,280 --> 00:44:07,360 What a game he had. 651 00:44:07,360 --> 00:44:10,320 And Epicurus is there. And Socrates, the captain... 652 00:44:10,320 --> 00:44:25,040 ...who scored what was probably the most important goal of his career. 653 00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:27,000 Good afternoon, sir. May I help you? 654 00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:34,400 Yes, I'd like to have an argument, please. 655 00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:37,160 Certainly, sir. Have you been here before? 656 00:44:37,160 --> 00:44:39,320 - No, this is my first time. - I see. 657 00:44:39,320 --> 00:44:41,800 Well, do you want to have just one argument... 658 00:44:41,800 --> 00:44:43,920 ...or were you thinking of taking a course? 659 00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:46,080 - Well, what is the cost? - Yes. 660 00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:48,800 It's one pound for a five-minute argument... 661 00:44:48,800 --> 00:44:51,360 ...but only eight pounds for a course of 10. 662 00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:53,560 I'll just try the one and see how it goes. 663 00:44:53,560 --> 00:45:02,440 - Fine. Yes, try Mr. Barnard, Room 12. - Thank you very much. 664 00:45:02,440 --> 00:45:03,920 - What do you want? - Well, I-- 665 00:45:03,920 --> 00:45:05,080 Don't give me that. 666 00:45:05,080 --> 00:45:07,240 - Snotty heap of parrot droppings. - What? 667 00:45:07,240 --> 00:45:10,880 Shut your festering gob, you tit. Your type make me puke... 668 00:45:10,880 --> 00:45:13,600 ...you vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert. 669 00:45:13,600 --> 00:45:15,960 Listen, I came here for an argument. I-- 670 00:45:15,960 --> 00:45:17,680 Oh, I'm sorry, but this is Abuse. 671 00:45:17,680 --> 00:45:22,040 - Oh, I see. Terribly sorry. - No, you want Room 12A, next door. 672 00:45:22,040 --> 00:45:26,400 - I see. Thank you very much. - Not at all. 673 00:45:26,400 --> 00:45:30,280 Stupid git. 674 00:45:30,280 --> 00:45:33,240 Is this the right room for an argument? 675 00:45:33,240 --> 00:45:36,400 - I’ve told you once. - No, you haven't. 676 00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:38,200 - Yes, I have. - When? 677 00:45:38,200 --> 00:45:40,040 - Just now. - No, you didn't. 678 00:45:40,040 --> 00:45:41,480 - Yes, I did. - You didn't. 679 00:45:41,480 --> 00:45:43,800 - I did. - No. You must certainly did not. 680 00:45:43,800 --> 00:45:46,320 Is this the five-minute argument or the half-hour? 681 00:45:46,320 --> 00:45:49,640 - I see. Just the five minutes. - Just the five minutes. Right. 682 00:45:49,640 --> 00:45:51,440 Thank you. 683 00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:53,560 - Anyway, I did. - Oh, no, you didn't. 684 00:45:53,560 --> 00:45:56,520 Let's get one thing absolutely clear. I definitely told you. 685 00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:59,760 - No, you didn't. No, you didn't. - Yes, I did. Yes, I did. 686 00:45:59,760 --> 00:46:02,240 - No, you didn't. No, you didn't. - Yes, I did. I did. 687 00:46:02,240 --> 00:46:04,680 - No. No. No, you didn't. - Yes. Yes. Yes, I did. 688 00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:06,920 Look, this isn't an argument. 689 00:46:06,920 --> 00:46:08,320 - Yes, it is. - No, it isn't. 690 00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:09,880 - It's contradiction. - It isn't. 691 00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:12,160 - It is. You just contradicted me. - I did not. 692 00:46:12,160 --> 00:46:13,880 - You did just then. - No, no, no. 693 00:46:13,880 --> 00:46:17,560 - Nonsense. - Oh, this is futile. 694 00:46:17,560 --> 00:46:20,080 - No, it isn't. - Yes, it is. 695 00:46:20,080 --> 00:46:22,000 - I came here for a good argument. - No. 696 00:46:22,000 --> 00:46:25,160 - You came here for an argument. - An argument isn't contradiction. 697 00:46:25,160 --> 00:46:26,800 Well, can be. 698 00:46:26,800 --> 00:46:29,360 No, an argument is a series of statements intended... 699 00:46:29,360 --> 00:46:31,600 -...to establish a proposition. - No, it isn't. 700 00:46:31,600 --> 00:46:34,680 - Yes. It isn't just contradiction. - Look, if I argue with you... 701 00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:36,600 ...l must take up a contrary position. 702 00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:38,720 Yes, it isn't just saying, "No, it isn't." 703 00:46:38,720 --> 00:46:42,600 - Yes, it is. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. - No, it isn't. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. 704 00:46:42,600 --> 00:46:44,440 Argument is an intellectual process. 705 00:46:44,440 --> 00:46:47,640 Contradiction is automatic gainsaying of anything the person says. 706 00:46:47,640 --> 00:46:49,600 - It is not. Not at all. - It is. 707 00:46:49,600 --> 00:46:53,880 - Now, look-- - Thank you, good morning. 708 00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:57,000 - What? - That's it. Good morning. 709 00:46:57,000 --> 00:47:00,720 - But I was just getting interested. - I'm sorry. The five minutes is up. 710 00:47:00,720 --> 00:47:03,360 - That was never five minutes. - I'm afraid it was. 711 00:47:03,360 --> 00:47:07,640 Oh, no, it wasn't. 712 00:47:07,640 --> 00:47:09,800 I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue anymore. 713 00:47:09,800 --> 00:47:10,960 What? 714 00:47:10,960 --> 00:47:13,960 If you want to go on, you'll have to pay for another five. 715 00:47:13,960 --> 00:47:18,440 That was never five minutes just now. 716 00:47:18,440 --> 00:47:21,720 Oh, come on. 717 00:47:21,720 --> 00:47:23,760 - Ridiculous. - If you want me to go on... 718 00:47:23,760 --> 00:47:26,640 ...pay for another five minutes. 719 00:47:26,640 --> 00:47:29,040 Oh, all right. 720 00:47:29,040 --> 00:47:33,280 - Here you are. - Thank you. 721 00:47:33,280 --> 00:47:36,440 Well? 722 00:47:36,440 --> 00:47:38,880 - Well, what? - That was never five minutes. 723 00:47:38,880 --> 00:47:41,800 If you want me to go on, pay for another five minutes. 724 00:47:41,800 --> 00:47:43,880 Yes, yes, well, I've just paid. 725 00:47:43,880 --> 00:47:45,280 No, you didn't. 726 00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:47,920 - I did. I did. I did. - You did not. You did not. 727 00:47:47,920 --> 00:47:50,200 - You never did. You never did. - I did. I did. 728 00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:53,720 - We're not going to argue about this. - I'm very sorry, but you didn't. 729 00:47:53,720 --> 00:47:59,360 Well, if I didn't pay, why are you arguing? 730 00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:04,120 Gotcha. 731 00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:05,720 - No, you haven't. - Yes, I have. 732 00:48:05,720 --> 00:48:09,280 - If you're arguing, I must have paid. - Not necessarily. 733 00:48:09,280 --> 00:48:12,040 I could be arguing in my spare time. 734 00:48:12,040 --> 00:48:13,600 - I’ve had enough. - You haven't. 735 00:48:13,600 --> 00:48:22,240 - Yes, I have. Yes, I have. - No, you haven't. No, you haven't. 736 00:48:22,240 --> 00:48:26,800 I've got two legs from my hips To the ground 737 00:48:26,800 --> 00:48:30,880 And when I lift them They walk around 738 00:48:30,880 --> 00:48:34,360 And when I lift them They climb the stairs 739 00:48:34,360 --> 00:48:56,480 And when I shave them They ain't got hairs 740 00:48:56,480 --> 00:49:02,360 How sweet to be an idiot 741 00:49:02,360 --> 00:49:08,120 As harmless as a cloud 742 00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:11,360 Too small to hide the sun 743 00:49:11,360 --> 00:49:13,880 Almost poking fun 744 00:49:13,880 --> 00:49:19,680 At the warm but insecure Untidy crowd 745 00:49:19,680 --> 00:49:25,200 How sweet to be an idiot 746 00:49:25,200 --> 00:49:30,480 And dip my brain in joy 747 00:49:30,480 --> 00:49:36,560 Children laughing at my back with no fear of attack 748 00:49:36,560 --> 00:49:41,880 As much retaliation as a toy 749 00:49:41,880 --> 00:49:47,480 How sweet to be an idiot 750 00:49:47,480 --> 00:49:58,760 How sweet 751 00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:12,800 I tiptoe down the street Smile at everyone I meet 752 00:50:12,800 --> 00:50:21,360 But suddenly a scream Smashes through my dream 753 00:50:21,360 --> 00:50:23,840 I smell the blood of an asylum 754 00:50:23,840 --> 00:50:26,800 Hey you, you're such a pedant 755 00:50:26,800 --> 00:50:29,680 You got as much brain as a dead ant 756 00:50:29,680 --> 00:50:35,000 As much imagination As a caravan site 757 00:50:35,000 --> 00:50:38,160 But I still love you 758 00:50:38,160 --> 00:50:41,040 Still love you 759 00:50:41,040 --> 00:50:46,640 How sweet to be an idiot 760 00:50:46,640 --> 00:50:49,640 How sweet 761 00:50:49,640 --> 00:50:53,560 How sweet 762 00:50:53,560 --> 00:52:21,560 How sweet 763 00:52:21,560 --> 00:52:25,440 - Good morning. - Good morning. 764 00:52:25,440 --> 00:52:32,720 Have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a blowjob? 765 00:52:32,720 --> 00:52:35,040 I'm sorry'? 766 00:52:35,040 --> 00:52:38,640 - Oh, you've come to arrange a holiday. - Yes. 767 00:52:38,640 --> 00:52:40,200 Sorry, sorry. 768 00:52:40,200 --> 00:52:44,320 Now, where were you thinking of going? 769 00:52:44,320 --> 00:52:47,600 - To India. Yes. - One of our adventure holidays. 770 00:52:47,600 --> 00:52:49,040 - Yes, that's right. - Well... 771 00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:50,840 ...you'd better see Mr. Bounder. 772 00:52:50,840 --> 00:52:54,720 Mr. Bounder, this gentleman's interested in the India overland... 773 00:52:54,720 --> 00:53:02,160 ...and nothing else. 774 00:53:02,160 --> 00:53:04,480 - Hello, I'm Bounder of Adventure. - Oh, hello... 775 00:53:04,480 --> 00:53:06,640 ...my name's Smoketoomuch. 776 00:53:06,640 --> 00:53:09,000 - What? - My name is Smoketoomuch. 777 00:53:09,000 --> 00:53:11,040 - Mr. Smoketoomuch. - Well... 778 00:53:11,040 --> 00:53:17,880 ...you'd better cut down a little, then. 779 00:53:17,880 --> 00:53:23,600 - I'm sorry? - You'd better cut down a little, then. 780 00:53:23,600 --> 00:53:29,680 Oh, I see. I smoke too much, so I'd better cut down a little, then. 781 00:53:29,680 --> 00:53:33,280 Yes. I bet you get people making jokes about your name all the time. 782 00:53:33,280 --> 00:53:41,240 No, actually, it never struck me before. Smoketoomuch. 783 00:53:41,240 --> 00:53:43,960 Anyway, you're interested in one of our holidays? 784 00:53:43,960 --> 00:53:47,800 Yes, that's right. I saw your advert in the "blassified" ads. 785 00:53:47,800 --> 00:53:50,640 - The what? - In The Times' "blassified" ads. 786 00:53:50,640 --> 00:53:52,720 The Times' classified ads? 787 00:53:52,720 --> 00:53:55,880 Yes, that's right. I'm afraid I have a speech impediment. 788 00:53:55,880 --> 00:53:57,920 I can't pronounce the letter B. 789 00:53:57,920 --> 00:54:01,600 - C. - Yes, that's right, B. 790 00:54:01,600 --> 00:54:05,000 It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a "sboolboy." 791 00:54:05,000 --> 00:54:08,200 I was attacked by a Siamese bat. 792 00:54:08,200 --> 00:54:11,280 - A Siamese cat. - No, a Siamese bat. 793 00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:13,760 They're more dangerous. 794 00:54:13,760 --> 00:54:18,040 - Listen, can you say the letter K? - Oh, yes. 795 00:54:18,040 --> 00:54:23,080 Khaki, kettle, Kipling, Khomeini, Kellogg's "Born" Flakes. 796 00:54:23,080 --> 00:54:28,240 Well, why don't you say the letter K instead of the letter C? 797 00:54:28,240 --> 00:54:32,000 What, you mean, pronounce "blassified" with a K? 798 00:54:32,000 --> 00:54:34,520 Yes, absolutely. 799 00:54:34,520 --> 00:54:36,920 - Classified. - Good. 800 00:54:36,920 --> 00:54:40,440 Oh, that's very good. I never thought of that before. 801 00:54:40,440 --> 00:54:45,080 What a silly "bunt." 802 00:54:45,080 --> 00:54:48,080 - Now then, about the holiday. We have-- - Yes, well... 803 00:54:48,080 --> 00:54:50,320 ...I’ve been on package tours many times. 804 00:54:50,320 --> 00:54:52,800 - Your advert really "baught" my eye. - Jolly good. 805 00:54:52,800 --> 00:54:56,080 What's the point if you're just gonna be treated like a sheep? 806 00:54:56,080 --> 00:54:59,720 Carted around in buses, surrounded by oafs from Kettering and "Boventry." 807 00:54:59,720 --> 00:55:01,680 - Absolutely-- - Their "bloth baps"... 808 00:55:01,680 --> 00:55:04,560 ...their "bardigans" and radios, "bomplaining" about tea... 809 00:55:04,560 --> 00:55:06,600 ...they don't make it properly, do they? 810 00:55:06,600 --> 00:55:09,360 And stopping at endless bodegas selling fish and chips... 811 00:55:09,360 --> 00:55:12,480 ...and Watney's Red Barrel and calamaris and two veg. 812 00:55:12,480 --> 00:55:14,040 Sitting in their sun frocks... 813 00:55:14,040 --> 00:55:16,720 ...squirting Timothy White's sun cream over puffy... 814 00:55:16,720 --> 00:55:20,280 ...raw, swollen, purulent flesh because they overdid it on the first day. 815 00:55:20,280 --> 00:55:22,720 - I know. - And being herded into wilderness... 816 00:55:22,720 --> 00:55:25,880 ...Hotel Miramars, and Bellevueses, and "Bontinentals." 817 00:55:25,880 --> 00:55:28,120 Their international luxury modern roomettes. 818 00:55:28,120 --> 00:55:31,920 Pools full of draught Red Barrel. Fat German businessmen pretending... 819 00:55:31,920 --> 00:55:33,880 ...to be acrobats and forming pyramids. 820 00:55:33,880 --> 00:55:36,080 Frightening children and barging into queues. 821 00:55:36,080 --> 00:55:38,040 If you're not at your table spot-on 7... 822 00:55:38,040 --> 00:55:40,640 ...you miss your Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup... 823 00:55:40,640 --> 00:55:43,080 ...the first in the menu of international cuisine. 824 00:55:43,080 --> 00:55:45,960 - Absolutely. Now-- - Thursday night, there's cabaret... 825 00:55:45,960 --> 00:55:49,840 ...featuring some tiny, emaciated dago with 9-inch hips... 826 00:55:49,840 --> 00:55:52,920 ...and some fat, bloated tart with her hair Brylcreemed down... 827 00:55:52,920 --> 00:55:55,520 ...and a big ass presenting flamenco for foreigners. 828 00:55:55,520 --> 00:55:57,440 - Be quiet. - Adenoidal typists... 829 00:55:57,440 --> 00:56:01,120 ...from Birmingham with flabby legs and diarrhoea trying to pick up hairy... 830 00:56:01,120 --> 00:56:03,200 ...bandy-legged wop waiters called Manuel. 831 00:56:03,200 --> 00:56:05,920 Once a week there's an excursion to the Roman remains. 832 00:56:05,920 --> 00:56:08,120 You buy cherryade and melted ice cream. 833 00:56:08,120 --> 00:56:10,120 - Quiet. Shut up. - Watley's Red Barrel. 834 00:56:10,120 --> 00:56:13,960 One night they take you to a restaurant with local atmosphere and colour. 835 00:56:13,960 --> 00:56:16,320 You sit next to a party from Rhyl who sing: 836 00:56:16,320 --> 00:56:18,720 I love the Costa Brave I love the Costa Brave 837 00:56:18,720 --> 00:56:22,280 Shut up. 838 00:56:22,280 --> 00:56:24,920 You get cornered by some drunken greengrocer... 839 00:56:24,920 --> 00:56:28,160 ...with an lnstamatic camera and last Tuesday's Daily Express. 840 00:56:28,160 --> 00:56:32,200 He goes on about how Ian Smith should be running the country... 841 00:56:32,200 --> 00:56:34,880 ...and how many languages Margaret Powell can speak. 842 00:56:34,880 --> 00:56:36,880 She throws up all over the Cuba Libres. 843 00:56:36,880 --> 00:56:39,280 Then spending four days at Luton Airport... 844 00:56:39,280 --> 00:56:41,640 ...on a five-day package tour. Nothing to eat... 845 00:56:41,640 --> 00:56:44,040 ...but dry, British Airways-type sandwiches. 846 00:56:44,040 --> 00:56:47,640 You can't get Watley's Red Barrel. In England, the bloody bar closes... 847 00:56:47,640 --> 00:56:49,160 ...every time you're thirsty. 848 00:56:49,160 --> 00:56:52,520 The kids are crying and vomiting and breaking the plastic ashtrays. 849 00:56:52,520 --> 00:56:54,840 They keep telling you it'll only be an hour. 850 00:56:54,840 --> 00:56:56,960 You know your plane is still in Iceland. 851 00:56:56,960 --> 00:56:59,000 They had to turn back and take-- Shut up. 852 00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:01,000 --Take a party of Swedes to Yugoslavia... 853 00:57:01,000 --> 00:57:03,880 ...before they load you up at 3 a.m. in the morning. 854 00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:07,280 You sit on the tarmac because there are unforeseen difficulties... 855 00:57:07,280 --> 00:57:10,480 ...i.e. the permanent strike of air-traffic control over Paris. 856 00:57:10,480 --> 00:57:12,480 When you finally get to Malaga airport... 857 00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:14,760 ...everybody's queuing for the bloody toilet. 858 00:57:14,760 --> 00:57:17,120 Queuing for the bloody armed customs officers... 859 00:57:17,120 --> 00:57:18,880 ...for the bus that isn't there... 860 00:57:18,880 --> 00:57:21,920 ...waiting to take you to the hotel that hasn't been built. 861 00:57:21,920 --> 00:57:24,760 When you finally get to the half-built Algerian ruin... 862 00:57:24,760 --> 00:57:27,920 ...called the Hotel Del Sol, by paying half your holiday money... 863 00:57:27,920 --> 00:57:31,280 ...to a licensed bandit in a taxi, there's no water in the pool... 864 00:57:31,280 --> 00:57:33,880 ...no water in the bog, no water in the taps... 865 00:57:33,880 --> 00:57:37,440 ...there's only a lizard in the bidet and the rooms are double-booked. 866 00:57:37,440 --> 00:57:40,400 You can't sleep because of the permanent, 24-hour drilling... 867 00:57:40,400 --> 00:57:42,600 ...of the foundations of the hotel next door. 868 00:57:42,600 --> 00:57:45,560 Meanwhile, the Spanish National Tourist Board promises you... 869 00:57:45,560 --> 00:57:47,320 ...the raging cholera epidemic... 870 00:57:47,320 --> 00:57:49,720 ...is merely a mild outbreak of Spanish tummy... 871 00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:52,120 ...rather like the previous outbreak in 1660. 872 00:57:52,120 --> 00:57:56,560 Even the bloody rats are dying from it. 873 00:57:56,560 --> 00:58:00,440 As early as the late 14th century... 874 00:58:00,440 --> 00:58:03,800 ...or indeed as late as the early 14th century... 875 00:58:03,800 --> 00:58:06,040 ...the earliest forms of jape were divisible-- 876 00:58:06,040 --> 00:58:08,800 Meanwhile, the Guardia are busy arresting 16-year-olds... 877 00:58:08,800 --> 00:58:10,360 ...for kissing in the street. 878 00:58:10,360 --> 00:58:12,800 And finally, the last day in the airport lounge... 879 00:58:12,800 --> 00:58:16,360 ...everybody's buying little, awful, horrid donkeys with their names on... 880 00:58:16,360 --> 00:58:18,720 ...and bullfight posters with their names on... 881 00:58:18,720 --> 00:58:22,000 ...like Antonio and Mr. Brian Pules of Norwich. 882 00:58:22,000 --> 00:58:24,440 And then finally, when you get to bloody Luton... 883 00:58:24,440 --> 00:58:29,760 ...the flight's grounded for four hours till they find a plane to take you back. 884 00:58:29,760 --> 00:58:31,840 And when you finally get to Manchester... 885 00:58:31,840 --> 00:58:35,760 ...there's only another bloody bus you have to wait 60 years for. 886 00:58:35,760 --> 00:58:39,640 4 887 00:58:39,640 --> 00:58:42,680 As early as the late 14th century... 888 00:58:42,680 --> 00:58:45,720 ...or indeed as late as the early 14th century... 889 00:58:45,720 --> 00:58:47,400 ...the earliest forms of jape... 890 00:58:47,400 --> 00:58:51,960 ...were divisible into the two categories into which I now intend to divide them. 891 00:58:51,960 --> 00:58:56,480 The earliest manifestation of the basic, simple precipitation jest incurred... 892 00:58:56,480 --> 00:58:58,720 ...as will be seen from the demonstration... 893 00:58:58,720 --> 00:59:22,120 ...a disproportional amount of internal risibility on the part of the operator. 894 00:59:22,120 --> 00:59:24,160 The secondary precipitation occurs... 895 00:59:24,160 --> 00:59:28,240 ...when both protagonist and dupe are located indoors. 896 00:59:28,240 --> 00:59:30,680 It is true, however, that this has involved... 897 00:59:30,680 --> 00:59:34,120 ...the development of a special piece of machinery. 898 00:59:34,120 --> 01:00:01,200 But it is still no more than a simple variation of primary precipitation. 899 01:00:01,200 --> 01:00:04,080 The opening up of the African continent... 900 01:00:04,080 --> 01:00:09,520 ...revealed a vast new source of wealth for humourous exploitation. 901 01:00:09,520 --> 01:00:11,560 We are to see demonstrated... 902 01:00:11,560 --> 01:00:54,600 ...how this was adapted to the basic precipitation jape. 903 01:00:54,600 --> 01:01:23,720 We now come on to a considerate-- 904 01:01:23,720 --> 01:01:27,120 We now come on to a consideration... 905 01:01:27,120 --> 01:01:30,840 ...of the more sophisticated transitive mode of japing. 906 01:01:30,840 --> 01:01:36,400 In which, as we'll observe, the operator or inceptor remains totally unaware... 907 01:01:36,400 --> 01:01:44,600 ...of the humorous implications of his action. 908 01:01:44,600 --> 01:01:53,120 First, we are to see the simple side-swipe or whop. 909 01:01:53,120 --> 01:02:03,400 Hey, Vance. 910 01:02:03,400 --> 01:02:07,720 Next, the side-swipe and return. 911 01:02:07,720 --> 01:02:20,200 Hey, Vance. 912 01:02:20,200 --> 01:02:31,040 And now, the double-side-swipe and return. 913 01:02:31,040 --> 01:02:47,400 Hey, Vance. 914 01:02:47,400 --> 01:02:50,200 Popular as this jest has always been, however... 915 01:02:50,200 --> 01:02:52,760 ...it cannot compare with the ribald connotations... 916 01:02:52,760 --> 01:03:05,160 ...associated with the dispatch of an edible missile. 917 01:03:05,160 --> 01:03:27,200 First, the simple straightforward offensive deposit. 918 01:03:27,200 --> 01:03:44,200 Second, the simple sideways offensive deposit. 919 01:03:44,200 --> 01:04:06,280 Next, the simple surprise deposit. 920 01:04:06,280 --> 01:04:20,480 And now the foul pie. 921 01:04:20,480 --> 01:04:41,680 Could we have new pies, please? 922 01:04:41,680 --> 01:04:47,240 Finally, we move on to the interesting but little-known variant... 923 01:04:47,240 --> 01:05:11,280 ...nominally designated the three-course complex. 924 01:05:11,280 --> 01:05:14,920 But finally, we must not forget... 925 01:05:14,920 --> 01:05:18,720 ...the enjoyment, the satisfaction and the edification... 926 01:05:18,720 --> 01:05:21,960 ...to be derived from the simple, straightforward... 927 01:05:21,960 --> 01:05:35,240 ...sideways, completely unexpected deposit. 928 01:05:35,240 --> 01:05:40,200 Once upon a time, there was a little house in a dark forest. 929 01:05:40,200 --> 01:05:48,560 In this house, lived a humble woodcutter and his wife. 930 01:05:48,560 --> 01:06:05,800 And their pretty daughter, Little Red Riding Hood. 931 01:06:05,800 --> 01:06:17,360 And in the middle of this deep, dark forest, there lived a vicious wolf. 932 01:06:17,360 --> 01:06:20,840 One day, Little Red Riding Hood set off to take some things... 933 01:06:20,840 --> 01:06:39,720 ...to her old grandmother who lived deep in the forest. 934 01:06:39,720 --> 01:06:43,880 The vicious wolf saw Little Red Riding Hood and thought: 935 01:06:43,880 --> 01:06:49,520 “She looks very good to eat. 936 01:06:49,520 --> 01:06:55,040 Where are you going, my pretty one?" 937 01:06:55,040 --> 01:06:59,360 "Oh, kind sir. To my grandmother's." 938 01:06:59,360 --> 01:07:01,120 Smirked the wicked wolf. 939 01:07:01,120 --> 01:07:06,920 And dashed off through the forest to Grandmother's house. 940 01:07:06,920 --> 01:07:10,760 Knock, knock, knock went the wicked wolf. 941 01:07:10,760 --> 01:07:12,480 The door opened wide. 942 01:07:12,480 --> 01:07:14,720 But it wasn't Grandmother who opened it. 943 01:07:14,720 --> 01:07:21,200 It was Buzz Aldrin, America's number two spaceman. 944 01:07:21,200 --> 01:07:23,600 For this was not Granny's little house at all... 945 01:07:23,600 --> 01:07:29,880 ...but the headquarters of NASA, the American space research agency. 946 01:07:29,880 --> 01:07:35,200 The wicked wolf was shot by security guards. 947 01:07:35,200 --> 01:07:40,680 So all was quiet in the forest again. 948 01:07:40,680 --> 01:07:42,600 The humble woodcutter and his wife... 949 01:07:42,600 --> 01:07:48,240 ...sold their story to Der Spiegel for 40,000 Deutschmarks. 950 01:07:48,240 --> 01:07:52,840 NASA agreed to limit the number of nuclear tests in Granny's little house... 951 01:07:52,840 --> 01:08:03,040 ...to two on Thursdays and one on Saturdays after tea. 952 01:08:03,040 --> 01:08:05,000 Liberal rubbish. 953 01:08:05,000 --> 01:08:09,400 What do you want with your jugged fish, Klaus? 954 01:08:09,400 --> 01:08:11,880 Pardon, my wide-thighed plum? 955 01:08:11,880 --> 01:08:16,880 What do you want with your jugged fish, you cloth-eared git. 956 01:08:16,880 --> 01:08:18,640 Halibut. 957 01:08:18,640 --> 01:08:20,920 A jugged fish is halibut. 958 01:08:20,920 --> 01:08:26,040 All right. Well, what fish do you have that is not jugged? 959 01:08:26,040 --> 01:08:28,320 Rabbit. 960 01:08:28,320 --> 01:08:30,640 What, rabbit fish? 961 01:08:30,640 --> 01:08:33,480 Nice, all covered in fur. 962 01:08:33,480 --> 01:08:35,240 Well, is it dead? 963 01:08:35,240 --> 01:08:39,720 Well, it was coughing up blood last night. 964 01:08:39,720 --> 01:08:46,360 All right. I'll have the dead, unjugged, rabbit fish. 965 01:08:46,360 --> 01:08:49,760 - Appalling. - You're always complaining. 966 01:08:49,760 --> 01:08:51,200 What's for afterwards? 967 01:08:51,200 --> 01:08:57,240 Well, there's rat pie, rat pudding, rat sorbet... 968 01:08:57,240 --> 01:09:00,600 ...or strawberry tart. 969 01:09:00,600 --> 01:09:02,520 Strawberry tart? 970 01:09:02,520 --> 01:09:06,840 Well, it's got some rat in it. 971 01:09:06,840 --> 01:09:11,040 - How much? - Six. 972 01:09:11,040 --> 01:09:13,600 Rather lot, really. 973 01:09:13,600 --> 01:09:22,640 I'll have a slice without so much rat in it. 974 01:09:22,640 --> 01:09:25,520 Appalling. 975 01:09:25,520 --> 01:09:28,760 Moan, moan, moan. 976 01:09:28,760 --> 01:09:31,640 - Hello, Mum. Hello, Dad. - Hello, son. 977 01:09:31,640 --> 01:09:34,680 There's a dead bishop on the landing. 978 01:09:34,680 --> 01:09:37,200 - Where is he from? - What do you mean? 979 01:09:37,200 --> 01:09:39,320 What's his diocese? 980 01:09:39,320 --> 01:09:41,600 Well, he looked a bit Canterbury-ish to me. 981 01:09:41,600 --> 01:09:42,920 I'll go and have a look. 982 01:09:42,920 --> 01:09:45,080 I don't know who keeps bringing them here. 983 01:09:45,080 --> 01:09:46,320 Well, it's not me. 984 01:09:46,320 --> 01:09:48,960 I put three out by the trash cans last week. 985 01:09:48,960 --> 01:09:51,320 The garbage men won't touch them. 986 01:09:51,320 --> 01:09:53,400 It's the bishop of Leicester. 987 01:09:53,400 --> 01:09:57,240 - How do you know? - Tattooed on the back of his neck. 988 01:09:57,240 --> 01:09:59,000 I think I'd better call the police. 989 01:09:59,000 --> 01:10:01,720 - Shouldn't you call the church? - Call the church police. 990 01:10:01,720 --> 01:10:03,720 That's a good idea. 991 01:10:03,720 --> 01:10:10,480 The church police. 992 01:10:10,480 --> 01:10:29,680 Hello, hello, hello. 993 01:10:29,680 --> 01:10:32,480 What's all this, then? Amen. 994 01:10:32,480 --> 01:10:36,960 - Are you the church police? - Oh, yes. 995 01:10:36,960 --> 01:10:40,400 There's another dead bishop on the landing, vicar-sergeant. 996 01:10:40,400 --> 01:10:43,560 Detective-parson, madam. 997 01:10:43,560 --> 01:10:46,960 - What is it, R.C. or C. of E.? - How should I know? 998 01:10:46,960 --> 01:10:50,080 Tattooed on the back of their neck. 999 01:10:50,080 --> 01:10:52,040 Here. 1000 01:10:52,040 --> 01:10:58,080 Is that rat tart? 1001 01:10:58,080 --> 01:11:02,240 Yes. 1002 01:11:02,240 --> 01:11:04,160 Disgusting. Right, men. 1003 01:11:04,160 --> 01:11:08,200 The hunt is on. Let us kneel in prayer. 1004 01:11:08,200 --> 01:11:09,520 Oh, Lord. 1005 01:11:09,520 --> 01:11:12,720 Oh, Lord. We beseech thee. 1006 01:11:12,720 --> 01:11:29,080 Tell us who croaked the bishop of Leicester. 1007 01:11:29,080 --> 01:11:40,560 The one in the braces. He done it. 1008 01:11:40,560 --> 01:11:44,680 - It's a fair cop, but society is to blame. - Right. We'll arrest them instead. 1009 01:11:44,680 --> 01:11:50,680 Come on, you. Are you in society? Are you in society? 1010 01:11:50,680 --> 01:11:52,818 Right. We'd like to conclude this arrest with an hymn.