[moans]
It is so nice having a surprise guest for the holiday.
And you're a drink of water, too.
Who are you again?
I'm your son Mack's... um...
friend? [laughs]
It's a little undefined.
You look like a daddy.
Scott.
Daddy Scott.
You can call me "Mommy Whitney".
I think I'll just call you "Whitney".
Uh oh!
Would you mind getting that for me?
-Sure. -[moans]
Oooh.
[WHITNEY] Yeah.
[laughs softly]
Sorry again about the shorts.
Mack told me I was going to a "Naughty or Nice" party.
Ho, ho! That's crazy!
What's even crazier is
I don't remember having a son named Mack.
Hmm!
But I am feeling naughty.
I'm gay.
[sighs]
How 'bout you, cutie?
It's me, Mom. BJ.
Beej!
Oh, you looked just like your father!
Go get me a beer.
You should've seen him when he was a little boy,
robbing the neighbors, playing with his uncle's gun...
Sounds just like Mack.
Who?
His brother?
Oh. Don't remember that one.
But I missed a lot of their childhood
thanks to the bottle.
What're you gonna do?
Makes me wanna have another one, you know?
Like a do-over.
Would you get that for me?
Sure.
Yeah.
Mm-mm.
Oh, yeah.
You have a lovely home.
It's quite the upgrade from the trailer Mack said you lived in.
Oh! You know about that!
-Yeah. -Yeah. Yup!
I got my life together.
I got sober and I got myself this house.
Now all I need is a man.
Hey, sexy.
Still me, Mom.
Sorry.
I hate it when you hit on me.
So what happened to the trailer?
Hitched it to the wrong wagon, if you know what I'm sayin'.
Bad relationship?
Nope!
Hitched it to some chick's station wagon.
Next thing, I'm watchin' my home ride off into the sunset
right while I'm hosting a bra burning for my trailer ladies.
We all took off after it!
Twelve sets of nips, hittin' the breeze.
Oh, and I woulda caught it, too,
if I wasn't wearing my house arrest ankle bracelet.
Got arrested and spent the night in jail with my top off.
Not the first time.
So, I'm sorry... how'd you get this house?
Oh, you know, dreams come true.
That's a little vague.
Ooh!
What do you want Santa Chuck to bring you
for Christmas this year, Beej?
You mean Santa Claus.
No, dude! Santa Chuck!
He's the Christmas guy that comes around every December 26th
and gets you what you didn't get for Christmas
if you ride in his van with your pants off for 30 minutes.
Oh, man.
He's, like, a... like a Christmas legend.
You know what I want for Christmas?
Bet it's something inappropriate.
For my boys to do one last job.
No, Mom.
But this one's a guaranteed pay out!
You're in, you're out. It's fool proof.
No. I gave up that life!
Yeah, so did Mack.
Who?
Your son? My "friend"?
Hopefully will be here any minute.
Please, God.
Total blank.
I don't wanna go back to that, man.
I live in a nice garage,
got me a sweet modeling gig,
could be porn,
workin' on this daddy...
Scott.
Daddy Scott.
[WHITNEY] But you're just so good at it!
And it would make your Mommy really happy.
[sighs]
What is it?
Cedars-Sinai in Beverly Hills.
That's too big of a job, Mom!
If your father heard you say that! God rest his soul!
Dad's not dead.
He isn't?!
That son of a bitch.
You know, I've heard a lot about your kids' upbringing,
which, you know...
great parenting there--
Thanks.
Get that for me?
Take mine.
But, you know, I don't think it's the best idea
for them to get back into committing crimes
just to make you proud.
Crimes?
Well, yeah.
I don't want him to rob Cedars-Sinai.
I want him to perform there.
What?
Beej is one-third of the hottest gay rapping boyband
to never make it out of Cleveland.
It was Beej, his brother Brian,
and there's one more, I forget.
Mack?
Nope. Doesn't ring a bell.
We'd wear these sparkle vests
and go to retirement houses and hospitals
and we'd rap "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better".
They were huge!
Every hospital wanted to book Handsome.
Hanson?
No. Handsome.
Because he's so handsome!
They were probably expecting Hanson.
So, uh... what happened?
You wanna take that one, Beej?
I got caught kissing a girl.
A girl!
How am I supposed to have a gay rapping boyband
if the gay rapping boys aren't gay?!
That was one time! I was experimenting!
I'm literally sexting with married men right now.
And he's verse.
And that's like a unicorn in the gay world
but you wouldn't know.
Nobody would book us after that.
I was rainbow listed.
That's like blacklisted, only gay.
So now you want them to regroup?
Why not?!
Everything is coming back!
"Will & Grace", "Toy Story"... oh!
The rash on my hip.
Oh, God!
Why not Handsome?!
Still sounds like Hanson.
I don't want to, Mom.
Come on, Beejy.
Rap for Mommy.
Give Mommy Whitney her Christmas gift.
I don't think I can fit in this but all right.
[clears throat]
I see you sittin' there In your cold wheelchair
But I'm standin' on my feet Dancin' to a gay beat
No, you can't do this 'Cause you're in a hospital!
But I'm healthy And I'm hot
And I'm homosexual
[singing] I'm homosexual! Oh, oh, yeah!
Ooh! My baby!
No!
I'm not a baby anymore! I'm a man!
What are you saying?
I'm not a kid anymore!
I'm a man.
Oh, where'd my blanket go?
Oh. [laughs] I got so scared.
But you're my baby!
I actually think Mack's younger than him.
You know I know my kids' age?
Definitely not.
You got yourself together. You have a house.
You're sober now.
That's true.
I think we need to go over the definition of "sober".
Can't I just do the same?
[sighs]
You know, I'm a bit older than your son--
-Duh. -Like decades.
A bit older! Than your son...
so I know it can be hard for a mom to see her son
as anything but her, you know, little boy,
but BJ's asking you to treat him like an adult.
With a Daddy.
Scott.
-Daddy Scott. -Daddy Scott.
How does that catch on so fast?
I just want you to be proud of me for the man I am,
not the boy you wanted me to be.
Oh, Beejy-- BJ.
I am proud of exactly who you are.
Come here.
Give me a hug. Get in here.
Ooh, yeah. That feels good.
I accidentally touched your butt.
That's all right. Mommy's okay with that.
Okay, wait. I'm having a moment of clarity
and, um...
I don't have a son named Mack.
Yeah.
I don't have a brother named Mack.
Uh-uh.
I'm sorry--
Isn't this, uh... 237 Pivot Street?
235, I think.
Oh!
I'm in the wrong house!
[laughs]
I guess I should go, right?
It was lovely meeting you, though.
[door opening]
What the...?!
Uh, also, I just remembered...
this isn't my house.
I've been squattin' here for the holidays
since I lost my trailer.
Uh, we should go.
But we didn't open presents.
I'm calling the police!
Run!