Everybody asks why I started at the end and worked back to the beginning
The reason is simple
I couldn't understand the beginning until I had reached the end
There were too many pieces of the puzzle missing
Too much she would never tell
I could sell these things. People want to buy them
But I'd set all this on fire first
She'd like that. That's what she would do
She'd make it just to burn it
I couldn't afford this one, but the beginning deserved something special
But how do I show that nothing, not a taste¡­
¡­not a smell, not even the color of the sky¡­
¡­has ever been as clear and sharp as it was when I belonged to her
I don't know how to express that being with someone so dangerous¡­
¡­was the last time that I felt safe
The Santa Anas blew in hot from the desert that fall
Only the oleanders thrived
Maybe the wind was the reason my mother did what she did
lf it was, I wouldn't have known. I lived in her shadow then
She was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen
Everybody thinks that when they're small¡­
¡­but she was the most beautiful woman most people had ever seen
He came into our lives without warning
She ignored him at first. He wasn't her type
We laughed about him, his persistence
¡°¡±Never let a man spend the night, ¡°¡± she said. Never apologize, never explain
She was breaking all her rules. And it would change everything
What are you doing up here?
Come sit next to me
lt's the best place to feel the wind
I can feel it from here
No, you can't
lt's okay
You should get some sleep
I never sleep. I've been up here for hours
I had the most amazing idea for how to use my Polaroids in the Newport show
I'm gonna skip work today. Keep going until I finish
You're still coming to parents' night, aren't you?
Oh, God, I forgot
I made plans to go to Greta's opening
All the other parents go
What can they tell me about you that I don't already know?
Time's up! Pencils down. Papers, please. Thank you
Thank you. Time, Astrid
Thank you
ls your mother coming tonight?
No. She has other plans
More important than parents' night?
She's an artist. She doesn't care about things like parents' night
Right. And don't forget, you guys, chapters 1 7 and 1 8 for tomorrow
Finished my mug shots
What do you think?
They're great
No. You're not looking
You can't be an artist if you don't see. Why do you think they're great?
I don't know
They're lonely
lt's me in the center
lt's our secret. You can't tell anybody
I won't. I never tell our secrets
lt's the deer-in-the-headlights look. Hilarious
-How long has this been going on? -Couple months
-His wife's gonna figure it out. -She's an idiot
Cinema Scene
lt's Barry Kolker again
Tell him I was killed in a climbing accident in the Himalayas
Barry, she's still out of town
We don't have any eggs
We never have any eggs
Barry can take us out to breakfast
Barry spent the night?
Yeah
Excuse me
I bet he's still out of town
I called the magazine. He got back three days ago
He's probably working. He doesn't call then
He doesn't call when he's getting what he wants from somebody else
I don't think you should do this
He'll get mad
-I'll just say we were in the neighborhood. -He won't believe us
You're not my type
What happened?
He has a date
He made love to me and then said I had to leave¡­
¡­because he has a date
-No! Get away from me. -Get her out!
-You have no right! -You're under arrest¡­
-¡­for the murder of Barry Kolker. -They can't keep me!
I'll be back in an hour!
You must be Astrid? I'm Miss Martinez from Children's Services to pick you up
lf you need more time, I can give you 1 5 minutes, but that's it
I'm not going. I'm waiting for my mother to come home
Your mother won't be coming home. At least not for a while
--any legal cause why sentence of judgment should not now be imposed?
Therefore, in accordance with the laws of California¡­
¡­I sentence you to the term prescribed by law for murder
Not less than 35 years to life in a maximum-security prison
-Hey! -Hello, Starr. How are you?
Well, I'm fine! How are you?
-Good to see you. -You too
Y'all must be starving. I hope you like olive loaf
-I made enough to feed an army. -Astrid?
-How was traffic? -Bad downtown¡­
-¡­but it cleared up pretty fast. -Oh, good
There you go. Astrid Magnussen, this is Starr Thomas
lt is so nice to meet you, Astrid
Come on in! Here, let me help you with that. Was it a long drive?
-Yeah. -Yeah?
I hope you didn't bring a ton of stuff. You'll share a room with my daughter
This is our home. This is where we have company
Then in here is the kitchen and whatnot
The boys sleep here. We don't have enough bedrooms
That's Davey in the glasses, and Owen
This is Astrid. Boys, you say hi?
Carolee? I said, get out here right now
Let's just go in there
This is Carolee, my daughter
Make some room, okay?
This is where you'll sleep. She'll clean up. Don't worry
Just don't mind her. She's hormonal. The problem is she hasn't been saved
What about you?
What?
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
I don't know
When you do, he'll be waiting. Okay?
This is where Ray and I sleep, and the bathroom's here
Let's go back in here
Ray's home late tonight. lt's poker night. Don't talk to him about Jesus
He acts like he's the repo man or something, not a carpenter like him
You must be the new addition
I'm Ray
Or Uncle Ray, but that's Starr's idea
Not mine
I'm Astrid
lt's nice to meet you, Astrid
You coming in?
Well, how come?
I'm thinking
Oh, what about?
My mother
Starr was telling me about her. She's doing time for killing her boyfriend, right?
Yeah, well, those things happen
You come in when you're ready, okay?
That slut said I was grounded, like she's the mother in The Brady Bunch
Listen to that
Saved by Jesus. She's such a hypocrite
They shouldn't be doing it. They're not even married
Reverend Daniels always blah-blahing about Jesus
All he really wants to do is look at her ass
Don't forget to leave the window open
Don't look at me like that
You're no different than I am. You just don't know it yet
I'm gonna kill you, lngrid!
I'm gonna strangle you, bitch!
You bloody bitch!
Sin is a virus. That's what Reverend Thomas says
lt's infecting the whole country like the clap
We've got every excuse
What's wrong if I shovel coke up my nose or want to feel good? Who does it hurt?
Well, it hurts us. And it hurts Jesus. Because it's wrong
I don't know how you swallow that
"He who believeth in me, though he was dead, yet will he live." Don't forget it
Here we are
lt's a miracle I'm not dead. They took my kids away. I was an alcoholic¡­
-¡­a cokehead. I was dancing topless. -People are staring
Oh, Astrid, look!
Look at that. That is gonna go perfect with your new shoes
I mean, I thought:
"Who cares if I hang my tits in a stranger's face? lt's nobody's business."
You know what? This is gonna be good on you
Astrid, those are ugly shoes
Snakes don't bite above the ankle
You're better off being bitten by snakes than dressing for them
We need to get her a bra. Carolee had her first bra when she was 9
You don't want them hanging to your knees when you're 30. Try it on
Carolee, will Ray love that? Look at that. That is so nice!
Hurry, Astrid, it's here!
I told you you were gonna miss it
Astrid. This one's for you
Who's it from?
My mother
I didn't think she knew where I was
Dear Astrid, have you been getting my letters?
lt's been six months. Why don't you write?
lt's only a few minutes before they turn out the lights
I can hear the women screaming in their cells
We're both in prison, you and I, punished for our strength and our independence
Don't forget who you are
The best part of me is well-hidden and you have to do the same
Remember it all, every insult, every tear
What are you doing?
I'm writing a letter to my mother
You ever write your dad?
I don't know where he is
I never met him
He left when I was 2
-Your mother tell you much about him? -No
-Well, aren't you curious? -I think about what he would think of me
He probably thinks you're still 2. That's how I remember my son, Seth
-You have a son? -Yeah
-Hey, Ray. -Hey, Patty
So you're going to the Jesus show?
-Aren't you coming? -To Bible study? No
ln my opinion, if there's a God, he sure as hell ain't worth praying to
That sounds like something my mother would say
She wouldn't take me to the Christmas pageant
She made me beg a ride off another kid
Hey, Ray
Leanne, hi!
How you doing, Reverend? I don't think he likes me very much
Why don't you and Starr get married?
'Cause I'm already married
-Astrid, come on in. We're starting. -Okay, I'm coming
Where's your wife?
Who knows?
I haven't seen her or my son in over five years
I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit
Amen
Do you believe in God now?
Maybe it's not such a bad thing to believe in something
-lt's better to know things. -Why?
What does it get you? Does it tell you the difference between right or wrong?
She didn't kill that guy alone
I knew what my mother was doing, you know?
I could've saved his life, but I didn't
Come on
I'm gonna kill you, lngrid! Open the door!
Think there was something valuable on that hard disk?
Maybe a collection of essays due at the publisher's this fall
You bloody bitch! You can't do this to me!
You don't know what I can do
Fill out your registration slips. Know your inmate's number
No number, no visit
Hey, baby
Astrid Magnussen?
Astrid?
Follow me
Mama!
No, no, no, no, no
Don't cry
We're not like that. We're the Vikings. Remember?
You're so beautiful
Prison agrees with me
There's no hypocrisy here
Kill or be killed, and everybody knows it
Do they hurt you?
Not as much as I hurt them
I won't be in here forever. I promise you that
One day you'll look out your window and I'll be there
Your hair smells like clover
I wanna remember you just like this, in that sadly hopeful pink dress
-Starr picked it out. -Of course she did
What's that?
Nothing. lt's just a cross
I know it's a cross
Why are you wearing it?
lt's a present from Starr
She force you to go to church?
They're really nice people. lt's called the Assembly of God
To join you have to accept Christ as your personal savior. And you're baptized
They call it being washed in the blood of the Lamb. But really, it's just water
Have you accepted Christ as your personal savior?
-There's nothing wrong with Christians. -Are you out of your mind?
How did this happen? I raised you, not Bible-thumping trailer trash
I raised you to think for yourself
No, you didn't
You raised me to think like you
Maybe thinking for yourself isn't so great. Reverend Daniels says it's evil
Evil? lf thinking for yourself is evil, then every artist is evil
ls that what you believe, now that you're washed in the blood of the Lamb?
-Man's ability to reason is evil? Am I evil? -No
No
But killing people who don't want you is evil
We pray for your redemption
Fuck my redemption. I don't want it. I regret nothing
Attention. Visiting hours are over. Visitors, return to the holding area
lt's good that you're trying to identify evil, Astrid
But evil is tricky
Just when you think you know what it is, it changes its form
Learning its nature takes a lifetime of study
I will not lose you. Not to them
Those people are the enemy, Astrid
-Visiting hours are over. -Write to me
-Time's up. -Write to me¡­
-¡­at least once a week. -I love you
I'm the only person you know who can keep you honest
-Okay? -Okay
Don't forget who you are, Astrid
You're my daughter and you're perfect, remember?
How far away is it?
About a mile. Maybe two
Shouldn't we pack up and go?
No, not yet. The wind's still in our favor
My mother used to love fire season
She made me decide what I'd take if we had to go
She said if I was brave, I wouldn't take anything
Your mother sounds tough
Not like you
What am I like?
You? You're a sweetheart
Astrid, honey?
Astrid?
You come on in here a minute?
Well, sit down. I won't bite
You having fun here, aren't you? Making yourself at home, getting comfortable?
Little too comfortable, I'd say
I might not be a genius, but I get your game. And it takes one to know one
-One what? -Always hanging around¡­
¡­handling his tools. "What's this for, Ray? Can I help you?"
We're not doing anything
I'm calling Children's Services
-lt's all over. -But--
Don't "but" me
He is a man. And he sees what he sees, and he does what he can
I've got a nice thing going here
Ray's the best man I ever had
And I've lived too long and come too far to blow it now
I never had a father¡­.
Don't
I've got myself and my kids to worry about. We hardly know each other
I don't owe you a thing
-Jesus would give me a chance. -Well, I'm not Jesus. Not even close
He might be mad¡­
¡­if he knew you sent me away because you were jealous
You're trying to make him a prisoner. He's gonna hate you
What do you know?
I know that men don't like women who try to own them
I like you. I like the kids. I would never do anything to screw it up
You swear you're not interested in him?
I swear to God
-There. Did you see it? -I'm not sure
-See anything yet? -lt's just starting
But we should be getting 40 an hour soon
The Quadrantid is the shortest meteorite shower, but the densest
Except for the Perseids
You and Starr, you having a beef?
No
Why?
Just something she said
I guess it's hard getting older¡­
¡­pretty girl coming up in the house
Ray, honey? What are you doing out here?
Nothing, baby. Just having a smoke
Looking at the stars
And this is $40, not even $40 a month
-Forty dollars is $40. -You waste $200 in one night
-You've been doing it weekly. -I won last week
What else are you doing with the money, Ray?
-You can't even look at me. -I'm looking right at you
You weren't. And you've got your car out there
God knows what you spend on that
That comes out of my pocket
-Don't ruin this. -Ruin what?
You didn't come in till 3:00 in the morning
-I was with John. -She's drinking again
And who else? I saw you eyeing her
Thought you all were going to a movie
I had a lot of homework
-How come you aren't playing poker? -The game got cancelled
-They coming home soon? -Not too long
Well, there's plenty of food if you want