(转录由TurboScribe.ai完成。升级到无限以移除此消息。) 春风它吻上了我的脸
告诉我现在是春天
谁说是春明不知晓
只有那头蓝人儿才高明
春风它吻上了我的脸
We did it!
We solved racism.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming out.
Thank you for coming tonight, New York City.
Thank you for not dying during the pandemic.
Thank you for surviving.
We couldn't do comedy without you.
We tried.
It's too many fucking podcasts.
I feel like 2021 was the year that people who
peaked in high school really found their voice on the
internet.
All these fucking idiots on Facebook demanding evidence.
Like you're trying to give them life-saving information.
I'm like, hey, here's some life-saving information.
Where's the evidence for this?
Where's the evidence?
All these fucking D-average students who lack basic reading
comprehension skills demanding PhD-level evidence on biology.
What could you ever show them that would be enough?
Like what evidence could you possibly show them where they'd
be like, oh, my God, thank you so much for
showing me this evidence.
I wasn't aware of this scientific theory before, but now
that I've read every page of this peer-reviewed article,
including the footnotes, and I spent the weekend cross-referencing
the sources on LexisNexis, and everything seems to check out,
and I feel like I'm a better person for it,
so thank you so much for taking the time to
make me a better person.
These fucking morons.
They're fucking morons.
They are.
Like I appreciate the sentiment of like wanting to understand
everything and like having critical thinking skills, but like the
amount of background knowledge you need to know to get
to this point, it's a little late in the game
to be getting into the knowing business.
All right?
At this stage of your life, you're more in the
shut up and listen business because there's too much.
There's too much shit.
You missed out on, you skipped too many classes.
All right?
You're like the guy who didn't study all semester, and
then you show up for the exam, and you're like,
none of this makes sense.
Math isn't real.
Like there's too much.
It's like trying to explain quantum physics to a dog.
It's just beyond you at this point.
Just get off the program.
All right?
Like this is the miraculous technological error that we live
in right now.
Okay?
Within three months of this shit breaking out in March
2020, they decoded the genome of the virus.
Yeah, they decoded it.
They were like, yo, everyone, look.
We found it.
We found the enemy.
Everybody, look.
We got it right here.
Look, it's A, A, A, A, B, B, B, B,
B, B, G, G, G, G, G, A, B, B,
B, B, B, B, B, A, C, C, C, C,
C, C, T.
Can you imagine showing that to these idiots on Facebook?
Demanding evidence.
It's like, what's the evidence?
What's the evidence?
Right here.
Yo, we got it.
We found the exact sequence of proteins and amino acids.
The fuck is this shit?
Oh, yeah, right, you decoded a genome.
Oh, yeah, you expect us to believe you decoded a
genome.
And that's what it looks like, these shitty Scrabble letters.
Yeah, I can decode genomes too.
Anyone can decode genomes.
Watch me decode genomes on my keyboard all day.
All these fucking D-average students who are in the
back of the classroom, their entire academic career, they were
in the back of the class.
Stay the fuck in the back.
Don't come to the front during a pandemic because you
figured out how to start a podcast.
Stay the fuck in the back of your D-average
mouth where you belong.
You had every opportunity to prove yourself academically, and you
failed or were mediocre at best at every level.
Why the fuck should we listen to you about anything?
Let the nerds lead.
Yeah.
That's what the nerds are for.
Everything around you was built by fucking nerds.
That's their job.
Nerds are here to input as much raw data into
their head as possible, swirl it around, and then regurgitate
a path forward of highest probability of success.
All right?
And yeah, some stuff fucks up because it's a probability
thing, all right?
It's a normal distribution curve.
You're never gonna get standard deviation of zero.
That's basic central limit theorem, right?
Like, I love these guys who didn't go to school,
and they automatically assume that they're street smart.
And it's like, yo, it's not automatic.
You could be book dumb and street dumb.
That's also a possibility.
Like, I've been lucky to live in a couple of
countries in my life, okay?
I was born and raised in Malaysia.
I grew up in Singapore.
I lived in Australia for, like, 10 years.
And now I live in America.
Okay, feel free to cheer that last one.
Or not.
It's fine.
It's a bit late.
You missed it.
But I applaud you for trying.
I'm just saying, I've lived a few places, all right?
Not just, like, a weekend getaway.
Like, I've lived in these places for, like, a decade
or more, okay?
And I'm telling you guys, from personal experience, all right,
there's racist people everywhere, okay?
Every country has its racist, awful people.
I've seen them.
They fucking suck.
Also, it's such an obvious point to make.
I thought it goes without saying.
But apparently, if you don't say it enough in America,
everyone goes crazy with the whataboutism, right?
Like, you're trying to point out some fucked-up situations.
Like, yo, this situation's fucked up.
And some people are like, you think that's fucked up?
Well, what about these people?
And what about what these jerks are doing?
And what about what these assholes are doing?
And it's like, yeah, of course.
Of course every race has its racist, awful people.
The problem is, we keep comparing the worst 10%
of one race with, like, the best 10% of
another race.
Right?
Which is obviously a mistake.
Because what we should be doing is we should be
getting the worst 10% of every race.
And comparing that.
So we can figure out which is the worst race.
So we can finally answer that question and solve racism.
Because then there can be consensus.
Right?
We can be like, yo, look, this race is the
worst.
And that race can take a good look around and
be like, yeah, we are the worst.
God damn it.
And then there can be healing.
Right?
But we gotta be comparing apples to apples.
You know what I mean?
We can't be going high-low with the comparisons.
The p-values are too high.
In fact, you know what?
Fuck it.
Let's do it right now.
Yeah, let's do it right now.
Let's figure out which is the worst race.
Right now.
Okay?
You guys up for it?
All right.
Okay, cool.
On three, I want you to shout out which race
you think is the worst.
All right?
Okay?
No, no, no.
Don't worry.
We'll all do it together.
I'll join in.
Of course I'll join in.
Right?
Don't worry.
This is a comedy show.
This is a safe space.
We asked you to put your phones away for this
moment, right now.
Now's the time to let it out.
This is it.
Don't bottle it up and go crazy outside.
Let it out now.
Let the demons out now.
All right?
Okay?
You don't even have to be specific, okay?
Just shout a color.
Okay?
Guys, we all know what the answer's gonna be.
Who are we fooling here?
All right?
Okay.
On three.
Worst race on three.
Okay?
One.
This is happening.
Whether you join in or not, you must all say
something.
Even if you don't believe it.
Just as a creative exercise.
Just let it out.
It's like speaking in tongues.
Just go.
All right?
Okay.
On three.
Okay.
Worst race on three.
All right?
Okay.
One.
Worst race.
Two.
Three.
If you said anything, you're the worst 10% of
your race.
That was fucking disgusting.
Bunch of goddamn racists coming to my show in New
York City, completely missing the point of that joke.
And I'm gonna expose you to the country.
Every comedy show I do.
And the problem with that joke is I can't get
in there any quicker to interrupt you fucking barbarians before
you shout some shit out that's gonna start a race
riot in New York City.
But you know what?
Fuck it.
I need the publicity.
I need the press.
Do it.
Start a race riot.
In this room.
Do it right now.
And blame me.
Blame me.
Tag me.
Tag me in the fight video.
Blame me.
Cancel me.
Tell Twitter I told you to say the N-word.
Do it.
Cancel me.
If you really think you have the ability to cancel
me sitting in your underwear at home on your fucking
phone, do it.
Cancel me.
I left three countries with free healthcare and no guns.
I moved to America in 2015 already prepared to die.
You think MAGA idiots, Asian hate, uncontrolled COVID, Twitter people,
scare me?
Do it.
Cancel me.
What are you gonna do?
Cancel me so I have to go back to Malaysia
where I'm a national hero?
And the currency advantage is very much in my favor?
Oh no!
How will I ever survive?
Do it.
Free me from this hell.
Do it.
My mom lives in Singapore right now.
I haven't seen my mom in two years.
Cancel me so I can see my mom.
I keep getting acting jobs.
Cancel me so I can see my mom.
Everyone thinks that because I'm on The Daily Show I'm
here to save the world.
Yo, I'm not here to save the world, man.
I'm here to talk shit, make money, and bounce.
That is it.
Yeah.
Everyone's always asking me to use my platform.
It's like, Ronan, use your platform.
You have a platform?
Use your platform.
Use your platform, Ronan.
You have a platform.
Use it.
Use your platform to talk about Asian hate.
Use it.
This is not the skill set to talk about Asian
hate.
Alright?
If you can come up with a way to make
hate crimes against Asian people funny, be my guest.
Don't make a joke about it.
End your special with it.
Make it your closer.
Everyone's always asking me to use my platform.
Ronan, use your platform to spread awareness.
Spread it.
Spread awareness of vaccines.
Ronan, if you don't use your platform to spread awareness
of vaccines, do you know anti-vaxxers might not take
the vaccine and they could die?
What am I missing?
You're telling me if I do absolutely nothing, I can
make humanity better in one to two generations?
I mean, the public utility to effort ratio on that
graph is just out of control.
Like, if you calculate efficiency on that curve, at this
point, it'll be socially irresponsible for me to tell people
about vaccines.
Alright?
Just mathematically speaking.
Can you imagine?
This is the first time in American history.
It used to be a no-brainer to come to
America.
That's the level of prestige America held internationally.
It was a dream to come to America.
Whatever region of the world you are from, Asian countries,
African countries, white people countries, whatever your socioeconomic status
was, you could be a rich, white, Australian.
You hit the jackpot.
And if someone gave you a U.S. green card,
you'd take in a heartbeat.
Even then, you'd still go, why wouldn't you go?
Why wouldn't you go to America?
Why wouldn't you go?
Of course you'd go.
Why wouldn't you go?
And for the first time in American history, the question
is, why would you go?
Why would you go?
My mom in Singapore literally begging me not to come
back to America at the peak of the pandemic.
She's like, don't go.
Ryan, don't go back.
Don't go back to America, please.
What are you going back there for?
Half the country lost its mind.
The virus is raging out of control.
Major metropolitan areas literally on fire.
What are you going back there for?
Why?
And I had to tell my mom, Mom, you don't
understand.
All right?
You don't see what I see when I'm here.
The highest ideals of this country, that America, despite all
its flaws, this is still the country where you can
tell dick jokes for $12 in New York City.
Do you understand?
This skill set is worthless in Singapore.
In Singapore, I told dick jokes all day.
Nothing ever happened.
Here, we get in Marvel movies.
Did you hear me?
I said Marvel movies!
The chaos is worth it!
Yeah, my mom lives in Singapore right now.
It's very hard to explain Singapore to Americans.
It's very hard to explain any other country to Americans.
Because Americans have, like, no point of reference for anyone
else on the planet, right?
And fair enough, too, because the only reason we knew
anything about America in Singapore is because we grew up
watching a lot of American TV shows.
That's how we formed, like, a rough idea of the
cultural tapestry of the country, albeit on a very shallow
level.
But at least we understood, like, watching Seinfeld, we knew,
like, oh, Seinfeld is in New York.
There's Jewish people in New York.
There's stand-up comedy in New York.
What a thing to aspire to.
That's crazy.
What is that?
You can just talk in a microphone and people pay
you money?
That's a job in America.
Like, we knew Grey's Anatomy was in Seattle.
Lots of people fucking in hospitals in Seattle.
Yeah, maybe that's why American health care is so bad.
People won't stop fucking in hospitals.
We knew RoboCop was in Detroit.
There's some problems in Detroit.
But nobody's watching Singapore TV, right?
So no one knows what the fuck is happening outside
of America because you don't watch anyone else's shows.
So, like, whenever I bring up another country to my
American friends, my American friends will always bring up the
one fact they read one time on the back of
a Snapple cap.
And they'll just, like, throw it back at you.
And you try to use it to paint the entire
history of your civilization with, like, whatever half-remembered, back
-of-the-brain stem, regurgitated fact.
They can just flick it from this part to, like,
this part as quickly as possible, right?
It's going...
You spit it out.
Like, when I tell my American friends, like, I grew
up in Singapore, they're always like, Singapore?
You grew up in Singapore?
They cane people in Singapore.
Right?
Like, in Singapore, if you spit gum on the floor,
someone just runs up immediately behind you and just canes
you in your ass.
Right?
And I'm like...
Yeah.
So don't fucking do that shit.
What is it, some kind of innate need of yours?
To visit other people's countries and spit gum on the
floor?
In which case, please do not visit Singapore, because they
will cane you on your fucking face.
And, like, some Americans are, like, outraged by that.
The thought of grown men being caned on the ass
for being a dick...
it's, like, outrageous to them.
But what's funny is, you ask any American, especially any
New Yorker, what they would do if a guest came
into their home and spit gum on the floor.
They would be like, we would beat the fuck out
of them.
I'm like, yeah, that's what we do in Singapore.
We just outsource the ass-kicking to the government.
It becomes a more cost-efficient punishment for everyone involved.
That's why we pay our taxes.
Uh, yeah.
I don't think women get enough credit for taking the
pill.
They don't, man.
Thank you, women, for taking the pill.
Even now, half the room is like, what the fuck
are you talking about?
Thank you for taking the pill.
No one ever gives you credit for it.
Men barely appreciate the expense, the fucking military precision it
takes to keep the pill going.
Yeah, sometimes across time zones.
Alarms going off at random times of the day.
Right?
3 a.m., 5 p.m. Wake you up, remind
you to eat this thing within a 30-minute window.
Otherwise it might accidentally create human life.
Like Zeus.
Men have no idea.
Like, by the way, guys, you don't just walk into
the pharmacy and buy the pill like you're buying a
Tic Tac.
Like, next to the gum just before you leave.
Then you, like, eat one lemon-flavored.
Then you're good for one Olympic cycle.
Like, no, assuming you can get a prescription, you have
to try three different types over the course of months
to see which one fucks you up the least.
You're literally performing clinical trials on yourself like you're trying
to find a COVID vaccine.
Right?
Your favorite flavor is the one that causes the least
amount of depression.
Yeah, men have no idea.
Yeah.
Like, even if there was a pill for men, you
would never trust a man to take the pill.
Some dumbass man was like, yo, don't worry.
I'm on the pill.
You laugh in his face.
You'd be like, there's no fucking way.
You're on the pill.
All right, at the very least, there is no way
you're doing it correctly.
All right, something that complicated.
I don't even trust you to take a shower every
day.
So put a condom on or put a dick away.
Otherwise, this isn't happening.
The variables that you have to be aware of when
you're on the pill, just so you don't fuck it
up, right?
Like, the external factors you have to keep track of,
like what you're eating, just so you don't fuck up
the pill.
And by the way, I don't even know enough about
this.
Okay, I'm not trying to mansplain this.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
Google it after the show.
All I know is what my wife told me in
passing.
All right?
But apparently, apparently, if you have diarrhea, like, diarrhea
can fuck up the pill.
That's right, scares happening in this room right now.
Because diarrhea causes babies.
Because apparently, if you have diarrhea, like, the pill can
pass straight through you before your body has time to
absorb the hormones.
So diarrhea can fuck up the pill.
That is the shittiest way to have a baby.
All right?
How many?
How many diarrhea babies are in this room right now?
We'll never know.
We'll never know because you wouldn't know.
First of all, if diarrhea caused your baby, why would
you know that?
That's not common knowledge.
In fact, in my experience, diarrhea stops babies.
From being made.
All right?
So it's counterintuitive.
Second of all, even if you managed to power through
that, and you knew for a fact that diarrhea caused
your baby, like, directly, why would you ever pass that
information on?
Why would you tell anybody that?
Like, much less your own child.
Like, your kid is asking you, Hey, Daddy, where do
babies come from?
Well, a man and woman fall in love.
The woman has some bad oysters.
Some evil stuff comes out of her butt.
And your blessing is what I'm trying to say.
Just curious, which way this room leans politically.
You guys left or right in this room?
I got jokes for both sides.
At this point in the Netflix special, I want there
to be, like, two boxes that drop down.
Like a choose-your-own-adventure.
And you can pick which side of the political spectrum
you're on.
And then no matter what you pick, it just goes
to the same place.
I think we have the technology to do that.
Just a useless graphic here.
It's a metaphor for the country.
I know what you guys are thinking.
Ronnie, stop with the politics, please.
Keep talking about politics.
It's so stressful.
We didn't come out tonight and dress up for once
to come out and talk about politics.
Just move on.
It's making us very uncomfortable.
Please, if you wanted to hear about politics, we'd go
on Twitter.
This is not the place for it.
I hear you, and I agree.
I'm very pro-Brexit.
Just hear me out here, right?
I love Brexit because I hate the United Kingdom and
I hope Brexit destroys that country.
Yeah.
And that's not racist because the United Kingdom is not
a race.
I used to love the UK, man.
I used to love the UK.
UK is United Kingdom for Americans.
If you grew up in a former British colony, like
I did, Singapore, Malaysia, Australia, we put the British on
a pedestal.
We thought they were awesome.
Technically, America is also a former British colony, right?
But you guys are too cool for school, so you're
not part of the Commonwealth.
I get it.
I'm just saying, if you come from a real British
colony, like I did, we thought the British were the
shit.
We're like, oh my God, they're amazing.
Everything they did was the best way to do that.
Every institution they installed endures till today.
In Singapore, we still use it because we thought it
was so efficient.
In Singapore, we still use the British system of government,
the Westminster parliamentary system, probably the best expression of Western
democracy ever invented, ever implemented.
Okay, it's not perfect, but at least you have options,
right?
You can be gay and like guns.
It's not this binary shit all the time.
Like in Singapore, we still use the British education system.
In Singapore, when you leave high school, in Singapore, you
do the exam, and then the University of Cambridge, O
-levels.
We do it in Singapore.
We mail the exam to Cambridge University.
Cambridge, please tell us, are we smart enough to leave
high school, please?
We don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks.
What do you think?
British people, tell us.
Are we smart enough?
And the University of Cambridge will mark the exam, and
then they'll mail it back, and they'll be like, yeah,
you're smart.
You're smart.
You're fucking dumb.
Go fuck yourself.
And then we'll be like, thank you.
Thank you, British.
Thank you for telling us.
Right, in Singapore, we still use the British electrical system.
In Singapore, we still use the British three-pin plug.
That three-pin, solid, chunky plug, three solid pins sticking
out.
Right, you stick it in the wall, it's never coming
out.
Yeah, not that stupid American two-prong.
You stick it in, it falls out with its own
weight like a limp dick.
Thomas Edison.