[ Chorus ] ♪ The Simpsons ♪
[ Tires Screeching ]
D'oh! [ Screams ]
[ ΤV Turns On ]
♪♪ [ Τechno Beat ]
[ Female Announcer ] Welcome to another episode of Padz,
where we go inside the mega-mansions of today's hot young celebrities.
This was today?
The girl was supposed to calI.
Oh, let's get this over with.
Ηere's the recliner where Don Adams and Shelley Winters made beautiful music together.
lt should be in a museum. But museums don't want it.
And here's my pool.
l don't swim, so that's where l throw my shrimp sheIls.
Krustofski!
Why, look, it's my celebrity neighbor ElIiott GouId!
Your monkey bit my kid again!
Well, if he would stop wearing the banana suntan lotion-
Say hello to Bob- [ Grunts ]
and Carol and Τed and Alice- [ Grunting ]
Oh, that's it, Gould! And you keep your lousy dog off my lawn!
Dear Diary-
- [ Gasps ] - "I have a crush on Kenny."
[ Chuckles ] That's me!
You would like me. Loser!
[ All Laughing ]
[ Male Announcer ] Girls, don't let this happen to you.
Get the Turbo Diary from Girltech.
No one can read your secrets, except you.
[ Book: Male Voice ] Unauthorized user! Access denied!
[ Electricity Crackling ] [ Shrieking ]
Turbo Diary, I Iove that I bought you.
Get your Turbo Diary...
from Girltech.
Girltech is a division of Boytech.
Hey, l could really use one of those.
No arguments here.
Man, l really come off like a jerk in this thing.
♪♪ [ Marge Humming ] Mom, Dad, my birthday's coming up,
and Girltech Τurbo Diaries are in stores now.
Lisa, nobody likes a shill.
Just buy me the friggin' toy.
[ Chuckling ] I Iove that little shilI.
Let's get her that diary. I agree.
A girl should have her own private diary. I had to share mine with my uncle.
[ Ηomer ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Dad, you can't eat all those free samples. We've gotta get Lisa's present.
Watch and learn.
[ Grunting ]
[ Chomping ]
More free samples.
Dad, you ate all the free samples.
Now you're eating men's slacks.
Heh. lt's still better than Indian food.
Oh.
One Τurbo Diary, please.
Trying to keep those crushes secret, eh, Romeo?
lt's not for me. I'm not a girl like you.
Well played. Oh.
l'm sorry, sir, but l just soId the Iast Turbo Diary to that guy.
Finally, Smithers, a device worthy of storing my top secret enemies list.
l'm ready, sir. Number one, the Kingston Trio.
[ Shudders ] Number two-
[ Book: Male Voice ] Unauthorized user! Access denied!
[ Electricity Crackling ] [ Shrieking ]
Oh.
Now what am l gonna get Lisa?
Sir, l can offer you this TickIe Me Krusty,
the most popular toy of 1 999.
[ Krusty's Voice ] I'm anatomically correct.
Go ahead. Τake a peek. [ Squeaks ]
l wonder what Mommy's medicine tastes like.
Lisa's not gonna want that.
[ Whimpering ] Oh, what can I get her?
Shop o' the mornin', Ηomer. Just call me "Mall" FIanders.
[ Chuckles ]
What are you buying? Jerk stuff?
Oh, you betcha. Τhis kiosk sells personalized movies.
l had one made starring little Rod.
♪♪ [ Theme ]
[ Male Announcer ] Kiosk Productions presents an outer space adventure,
starring you!
One day while flying your spaceship,
you saw a planet and decided to land.
Greetings. l am Commander-
[ Ned's Voice ] Rod!
Welcome, earthling. What are your hobbies?
[ Announcer ] My hobbies include-
[ Ned's Voice ] Being quiet during trips,
clapping with songs, and diabetes.
Sounds like fun. Let's party!
♪♪ [ Electronic Music ]
Ηey, your kid is in the movie! And the movie knows his name!
Maybe Lisa will like this better than the diary.
Stupid Flanders, you're a genius.
A laser pointer.
[ Ηumming ] Thanks, Bart.
lt's really cool. You can point a red dot at peopIe's crotches from realIy far away.
Hmm. Τhere appears to be a red dot on my trouser front.
l'd better lower them.
[ Sighs ] The dot also appears to be on my underpants.
Well, down they go.
[ Siren Wails ]
Hey, buddy. You better get that red dot checked out.
My uncle died of crotch dot.
Okay, Lisa. Now open the present from your father and me.
Ηmm? Ηmm?
l wonder what this could be.
l think you'll be pIeasantly surprised.
CouId it be some kind of book?
WelI, yes and no.
- Mostly no. - Wha?
You were supposed to get her that stupid diary!
But it's a personalized video about my favorite IittIe star,
Lisa Simpson.
Well, this could be fun.
Let's watch it.
♪♪ [ Computerized Piano ]
[ Female Announcer ] Howdy, partners. My name is Sheriff-
[ Homer's Voice ] Lisa Simpson.
[ Announcer ] I sure am hungry for my favorite food-
- [ Homer's Voice ] McNuggets. - I don't like McNuggets.
- l'm a vegetarian. - Still?
Then you're not gonna like your other present.
[ Announcer ] Why, it's my best friend- [ Homer's Voice ] Maggie.
Huh?
Bad news, Sheriff- [ Homer's Voice ] Lisa Simpson.
Some Indians took all the- [ Homer's Voice ] McNuggets.
Mmm, McNuggets. [ Slavering ]
[ Announcer ] I'll get those no-good Indians,
just as sure as my favorite book is- [ Homer's Voice ] Magazines.
[ Homer Snoring ]
[ Bart's Voice ] Wake up, Dad. [ Homer's Voice ] Huh? What?
Dad, that information is all wrong!
Maggie's a baby, not my best friend.
[ Crying ] You don't know anything about me.
[ Sobbing ] [ Murmuring ]
[ Door Slams ] Maggie, you're her best friend. Go talk to her.
Oh, what have I done? [ Sighs ]
Children don't remember bad birthdays, do they?
[ Groans ]
Good morning, honey. Did you cry out aIl your "angries"?
l don't think so.
Oh. Lisa's still mad at me.
l'm stilI mad at you for chopping up my skateboard with an ax.
l did it for the insurance money.
Hmm!
Look, Lisa. I'm still trying to get to know you.
[ Ηorn Ηonks ] Who's your favorite Traveling Wilbury?
ls it Jeff Lynne?
Dad, you've had eight years to get to know me. It's too late.
But l'm full of questions.
What's your favorite cigar size?
ls it robusto?
ls it?
Gee, Ηomer, you sure look sad.
Yeah. At least you ain't aging six years for every one 'cause of your cow heart.
Oh. My daughter hates me because I don't know anything about her.
Ah. Well, whenever l gotta know something about a broad,
l use this guy.
This detective is unbelievable. He can learn more about a chick...
by digging through one garbage can than you could from years of intimacy.
He found out who was cobbIing shoes for me at night.
Turns out I have severe schizophrenia.
Well, if hiring this guy will make Lisa like me again, then I'll do it.
- Can l get this beer to go? - Sure.
Maybe someday I'Il turn into a swan.
[ Sighs ] Oh, God.
[ Tires Screech ]
[ Electricity Crackling ]
"Drunk Cop"- ls that you?
No. Look lower.
- Ooh, pie. - What can I do for you?
My name is Ηomer Simpson and I desperateIy need your help.
Let me guess. It's about a girI.
- [ Gasps ] Ηow did you know? - It's always a dame.
UsuaIly with gams that don't quit...
till they get to the shoes.
And then they're only napping.
[ Chuckling ] Priceless.
l need you to find out everything about my daughter so she'll think I'm a good dad.
Okay. I'lI get a line on your kid.
l charge 50 bucks a day, pIus expenses.
Anything to trick my daughter into liking me.
Now, if you need to reach me, my e-mail is chunkylover53@aoI.
Chunky lover 53.
lt's one word. One word.
Chunkylover53. At AOL.
Dot com.
Ηey, that's not your locker.
You know, you are the spitting image of the Aberdeen StrangIer.
Movin' on. ♪♪ [ WhistIing ]
l need to see Lisa Simpson's permanent record.
l'm afraid that information is confidential.
These are some nice looking papers on your desk.
lt would be a shame if somebody shuffled them.
You wouldn't dare.
Oh, wouldn't l?
[ Scoffs ] l could easily put them back in their original order.
Oh, really?
No! [ Echoing ]
- You're late, Muntz. - Get bent, shamus.
l got what you're Iookin' for.
Nice. Very nice.
Now give me back what's mine.
Oh. My picture with Snow White.
You know, she's just an actress.
Shut up! Some of us prefer illusion to despair.
Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
Yes, yes. You said that aIready. What eIse do you know?
l once picked my nose till it bIeeded.
[ Sighs ] About Lisa!
Lisa Simpson is a girl at my school.
Someone's already worked this guy over.
[ Whistle Blows ]
Ah, the information I've been waiting for.
So far, so good.
[ Muttering ]
[ Gasps ] Lisa's pet peeve is phonies?
l thought she loved them.
♪♪ [ Jazz ] Huh?
ls that Miles Davis's Birth of the Cool?
You should know. It is your favorite album.
So you know one thing about me. Big deal.
[ Record Scratches ] [ Homer ] Wait. Wait.
l thought you might like to go to an animal rights protest today.
Well, maybe.
On the way home, we could stop and get your favorite treat.
"lce... cream."
What do we want?
Τhe gradual phaseout of animal testing over the next three years!
- When do we want it? - Over the next three years!
Uh, young lady, why are you protesting today?
Because this lab is cruelly testing consumer products on animals.
Take a look for yourself.
Τhey're making monkeys smoke cigarettes.
[ Cooing ]
And look at the way they've slathered those pigs with cosmetics.
So sad.
Yet so sexy.
Yet so delicious. [ Slavers ]
Dad, today was so great.
Τhe animal rights protest, a visit to the Museum of Sadness and Oppression.
Well, we should get along.
l mean, after all, I am your...
father.
Ηow'd you think of such perfect things for us to do? Did Mom heIp you?
Mom? Don't you think l could read the report by myself?
- What report? - [ Stammering ]
"Report" is a daddy word that means "loves his daughter."
You read the "loves his daughter" by yourself?
Τhat's right, honey. [ Kisses ]
[ Door Closes ] You did it!
Lisa thinks l'm the greatest.
l might even put you to work on Bart and Maggie.
Go super dad on aII their asses.
l believe there's still the matter of my expenses.
Oh, yes. Well, let's take a look and see-
A thousand dollars?
- How did you spend a thousand dollars? - It's itemized.
A $40 steak?
Yeah. But if l'd eaten the whole thing, it would've been free.
You've been living like a king on my dollar!
Super unleaded gas! Silver bullets?
Early on, l was working under the theory that your daughter was a werewolf. Didn't pan out.
l can't believe a man who agreed to foIIow my daughter around,
for money,
would turn out to be a dirtbag!
You better pay up, Simpson! [ Gasps ]
[ Whimpering ]
You'll regret the day you crossed Dexter Colt!
You'lI regret the day you went to the expensive coffee pIace!
[ Grunting ]
♪ l think l'll color him love ♪
♪ Color him love ♪♪
Breaking news at the Screaming Monkey Research Labs,
where hundreds of test animals have been freed by unknown activists.
Chief Wiggum, uh, do you have a statement?
Uh, yes. Yes, l do, Kent.
This is a horrible crime, one that-
[ Chuckling ] Cut it out, Lou.
Uh, he's making funny faces.
Sorry, Chief. One of these monkeys has the same name as my ex-wife.
[ Laughing ]
Chief, do you have any suspects at this time?
Well, we do have several promising clues.
Uh, let's see. There's a Malibu Stacy scrunchie, a saxophone reed...
and a book report on The Secret Garden by Lisa Simpson.
What does this tell you, Chief?
Well, apparently there's a secret garden in all of us.
And that Lisa Simpson is guilty!
- [ All Gasp ] - I was framed!
You believe me, don't you, Dad? Of course I do.
lt's all my fault for refusing to pay-
pay attention to you,
my sweet little father-loving pile of forgiveness.
- Yes. - [ Knocking ]
Can Lisa come out with her hands up?
Chief Wiggum, my daughter is innocent until proven guiIty.
[ Τires Squealing ]
Would an innocent person flee?
No, really. Τell me. I honestly don't know.
Chief, no. Even l knew that.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm not- I'm not good.
[ Sirens Wailing ]
[ Chuckles ] They're trapped.
Oh, damn it!
[ Groans ] I can't stop worrying...
about Ηomer and Lisa.
Aw, Mom. This'lI take your mind off them.
[ Grunts ]
Oh, thank you, sweetie.
♪♪ [ Ηumming ] [ Bowl Smashes ]
[ Man On Radio ] Police are looking for a bald man in blue pants...
and a fair-haired girl in a red lampshade.
Blackening our hair was a great idea, Dad.
l look just like a Powerpuff Girl.
l look just like Elvis.
[ Groans ]
- Names, please? - Lady PeneIope Ariel Ponyweather.
Uh, Rock Strongo.
- Your real name. - Uh,
- Lance Uppercut. - Thank you.
Sign here, Mr. Uppercut.
Let me just put on my gIasses.
You're charging how much for a room?
[ Phone Ringing ]
Ηello? [ Homer, Modified Voice ] Hello. This is a phone survey.
lf the election were held today,
wouId you vote for "A," the cops are there,
or "B," you're free to talk?
Uh, "A."
And l'd like to add...
that Proposition "Hug Lisa For Me"...
has my full support.
[ Normal Voice ] No, Marge. You're not gettin' it.
lt's me, Homer- Simpson.
[ Nervous Chuckle ] We got a Iocation, Chief.
Good work, Lou. We'lI Ieave right after dinner.
Lisa, this is from your mom.
[ Grunts ]
Aw. Life on the lam is realIy hard.
But at least it's with you, Dad.
l feel terrible for putting you through this,
after what a wonderful father you've been.
Oh. Lisa, I can't lie to you any longer.
This is all my fault.
l'm the worst dad in the world.
What? Why?
The man who framed you is a crooked detective, who I hired.
Why did you do that?
Τo find out everything about you so I'd seem Iike a good father.
How could you?
WelI, all the childless drunks at Moe's thought it was a great idea.
Let's just get some sleep.
All right, Simpsons, the jig is up. We know you're in there.
[ Ηomer ] Okay. l'm coming right out the door.
Damn it! Τhese windows are so hard to squeeze through.
[ Ηomer Grunts ]
Cheer up, honey. We're living an aIl-natural existence, the kind you Iike.
Ooh, a trash can.
We'll find breakfast in here.
l don't want to eat from the trash.
Oh, a banana!
[ Mutters ] It's full of cigarette butts.
So is this one.
They must've come from over there.
Those are the test animaIs.
The detective must've soId them to the circus!
We'll just tell the police. And then I'm back to being pIain old Rock Strongo.
You're not telling nobody nothing.
Make one move and you'll get a belIy full of the Flying Giuseppe.
How you doin'?
Dexter Colt, the man who framed my daughter!
You should've paid the expenses.
ln retrospect, yes!
[ Gasps ]
[ Grunts ]
Ooh, l think that fixed my back.
Oh. Oh, no, no. lt's much worse. [ Bones Cracking ]
[ Gasping, Grunting ]
l'll just hide here. [ Gasps ]
[ Shrieks, Whimpers ]
[ Electricity Crackling ]
[ Cackling ] Now what are you gonna do?
You can't shoot all of us.
Damn it!
You know, Simpson, from the moment you walked into my office,
l had a feeling l'd kill you in a hall of mirrors.
Dad? Are you in here?
How did she find us?
Oh, Lisa has excellent hearing.
Once when she was three, l was quietly sobbing in the closet, and she found me.
Oh, Dad, you do remember something about me.
Perhaps you also remember this Iaser Bart gave me earlier.
- [ Zapping ] - [ Grunting ]
l can't see!
Ηow ironic.
Now he's blind, after a life of enjoying being able to see.
Well, it wasn't easy, honey.
But I'm gIad you love me again.
Yeah. But what's gonna happen to the animals? Don't worry, honey.
l released them all into the wild.
[ Monkeys Chittering ] [ Pig Squealing ]
Cletus, if I find pig lipstick on your colIar again,
l'm not gonna let you sleep in the sty no more.
Duly noted.
[ Bart ] Hey, Dad. Will you read me a bedtime story?
[ Ηomer ] Why certainly, Son.
Just hand me that book you got there.
[ Book: Male Voice ] Unauthorized user! Access denied!
[ Electricity Crackling ] [ Homer Shouting ]
[ Bart Laughing ] [ Homer Shrieks ]
[ Murmuring ] Shh!
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