(MESS AROUND PLAYING)
Oh, no, oh, no
Ahhh, oh, no, ahhh, oh, no
Ahhh, oh, no
No, she don't mess around No, she don't mess around
我们家龙舌兰纯度爆表 MIKE: 100% blue agave.
试喝看看 Taste it.
麦克，我喜欢你 RANDY: Look, Mike, I like you.
可是没人想要别牌的龙舌兰酒 But no one's looking for another brand of tequila.
我们有三大品牌…叫什么来着？ They've got the three... What is it?
金快活、杂鱼A跟杂鱼B The Cuervo, the other one, and the third one.
我们不需要新的品牌 And they don't need more tequila.
进了也卖不掉 - If I can't sell it, it's not gonna sell. - People want the new-new.
大家都喜欢潮啊
潮？一没错 - The "new-new"? - The "new-new."
就像买房子一样坐北潮男 They want that new-new.
不要 No!
要是我能卖给客人咧？ What if I could sell this tequila to a customer?
- 这样你就愿意下单了？ - 好啊 - Would I have your order then? - (LAUGHS) Yeah, sure.
那我随便挑个客人罗 And I'm just gonna pick a customer at random.
先生，不好意思 Excuse me, sir.
您爱喝龙舌兰酒吗？ Do you enjoy the taste of tequila?
我超爱的 (IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Why, yes, I do.
可是我只喝固定的牌子 But I only drink my particular brand, and you will not convince me otherwise.
你说服不了我喝别的牌子
- 叫我第一名 - 靠北啊，他明明就你弟 - It's a perfect candidate. - Because it's your brother!
我知道他是你弟 I know that's your brother.
他把过我佺女 He dated my niece.
老兄，我不认识你佺女 Look, mate, I don't know your niece.
- 最好是 - 如果我认识… - Okay. - But if I did...
我觉得她比欧阳泥泥还鲁汶 I'd say she was a little clingy, and she'd freak a lot of people out.
我们打LOL认识的 We play Wards With Friends together, right?
戴夫，对吗？ - Dave, right? - Name's Rick. Just got in from Melbourne.
我叫瑞克，刚从墨尔本过来
他叫瑞克 His name's Rick.
我知道他是你弟啦 I know he's your brother.
听好…你们挺幽默的虽然你有点怪 Look, look, look. You guys are funny, you're weird.
你们每几周就来搬这出… We do this every couple weeks...
好啦，我要订10箱 All right, I'll take 10 cases.
- 水啦！ - 赞 - Fuck, yes! - (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Yes!
爽！我就知道！ Yes! I knew it!
- 蓝迪，你被我们拐了 - 是这样吗？ - We sold your ass, Randy! - (DAVE WHOOPS)
I don't know if that's what happened.
- 是帽子的关系吧？ - 是吗？ - It was the hat, right? - Was it the hat?
帽子是我刚刚在这裹检到的 I just found this over there.
(DO SOMETHING CRAZY PLAYING)
Do something crazy
(ALL CHEERING)
Live like it's Mardi Gras
And go jump, make the party start
Don't need no R&R
To regular life, I say Au revoir
Yay! Living life in the fast lane
Now your pain only be champagne
So please come join me One thing, good vibes only
Start the keg, I'mma fill my cup
Got fireworks, got booze Let's blow some shit up
Tonight I'm going stupid
Doing things I've never done
We all got one thing in common
We just wanna have fun
Do something crazy
Okay
Do something crazy
Do what you wanna do
Do something crazy
I'm about to do
Do something crazy
Do something wild
Rolling with the homies
Chicks by my side
Live for the moment
All of the time
Turn up the music
Only good vibes
“根据真人真事…乱编” DAVE: Sorry to throw the accent at you, bro.
抱歉没跟你说我要扮澳客 MIKE: No, dude. I loved it, and it kept me in the now.
不会啊，很赞，让我保持清醒
那张单让我们荣登公司销售榜第三名 Do you realize that that sale puts us at number three in the office?
史丹格兄弟杀很大 The Stangle bros are killing it right now!
(LAUGHING)
那不是帽子，那是套子 MIKE: It's not an actual hat. They just call it a jimmy hat.
你戴两个套就会破掉 If you wear two, they break.
- 这是江湖传说… - 才怪 - It's an urban legend... - No, it's not.
爸，妈？ Mom, Dad?
珍妮、艾瑞克 DAVE: Jeanie. Eric.
别慌，我不要你们惊慌 Don't freak out. I don't want you to freak out.
进来吧 Just come on in.
大家都坐下吧 BURT: Why don't we all just sit down?
我们有事跟你们说 We gotta talk to you.
我们想讨论珍妮跟艾瑞克的婚礼 We wanna discuss Jeanie and Eric's wedding.
- 赞 - 好啊 - DAVE: Oh! Sweet. - MIKE: Okay.
你们想找DJ还乐团？ DAVE: Are you guys thinking DJ or band? First thought, band, right?
心裹第一个冒出来的是乐团吧？
不会，大家都想听原唱 No. People want to hear the real songs.
谁想听男的唱碧昂丝啊 You don't want to hear a guy singing Beyonc茅.
你超爱碧昂丝的对吧？ You just want to hear Beyonc茅.
Oh.
对，可是我们要聊的是… Yeah, but we want to talk about...
你们两个的事 is you two.
这些年来 Now, over the years...
我们的家族聚会一直都有个问题 a theme has emerged at our family gatherings.
本来大家都很嗨森… Everyone's having a good time...
- 没错 - 活动很顺畅 - That's right. - Things are going smoothly.
开趴罗 Party time.
结果你们两个出席… And then you two show up...
形单影只 stag...
到处把妹 and you hit on girls...
行为白目 you act like idiots...
然后派对就死了 and you ruin it.
全都完蛋了 Ruin it.
蛤？我们哪是趴踢终结者？ - What? We are not party ruiners! - Mm-mm.
人称趴踢小王子 好吗 We're party creators!
况且，我们哪时毁过家族聚会了？ And besides, when have we ever ruined a family event?
Ah!
我们早就料到你们会这么说了 We thought you might say that.
ROSIE: Yep, here we go. And we just stream it.
- 来，请看VCR - 苹果电视 BURT: Apple TV.
给我wifi密码 We just need your password.
- 布莱恩奈米屎69 - 对 - Bryan's baby dick 69. - Yeah.
布莱恩奈米屎69 BURT: Bryan's baby dick 69.
什么鬼啊，真的假的？ What the fuck, guys? Really?
“连接中” - Got it. Yep. - Is that it?
- 有了 - 对吗？ BURT: Good.
很好
“麦克跟戴夫参加家族聚会影片”
国庆日快乐！ Happy Fourth of July!
(ALL CHEERING)
哇靠 Oh, shit!
(ALL SCREAMING)
在那之前都好好的啊 It was fun up to that point.
- (EXPLOSION) - (ALL SCREAMING)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
该死！我的拖车 God damn it! My trailer!
“蕾秋表姊的婚礼”
(ALL CHEERING)
(SCREAMING)
靠 (LAUGHING) Oh, shit.
我们很不希望发生这种事 Actually, this is what we're trying to avoid.
- (CRYING) - (INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
- 你们两个有够白目 - 白目囝仔 - The both of you are fucking idiots. - Fucking losers!
“爷爷奶奶金婚纪念”
(ALL CHEERING)
(COUGHING)
阿公，醒一醒，解开他的领带 JEANIE: Grandpa, wake up! Take his tie.
现在是说我们害死阿公罗？ Are you saying we had something to do with Grandfather's death? Hmm?
他在那五年后才挂掉的 He died five years after that!
推给我们也太过分了吧，无耻 That is a lot of guilt to put us. Shame on you.
况且，这段影片只有GG片段 Plus, this video only shows the screw-ups.
我们明明也有散播欢笑散播爱 Where's the epic tracking shots of smiling faces?
大家看到我们都说 And everybody looking at us, just going...
尬的，我超爱麦克跟戴夫 "God, I love Mike and Dave.
他们把趴踢炒得热翻了 "They made this whole party worth it."
你们两个什么时候才要转大人？ When are the two of you going to grow up?
闹个一两次还算可爱 This shtick was cute for a while...
多闹几次就很讨厌了 but it's gotten stale.
妈，拜托咧，你干嘛… Mom, come on, what are you...
讲得一副我们很废那样 You're talking about us like we're a couple of losers or something.
我们不想要你们去追妹 BURT: What we don't want you to do is go chasing girls and get out of control.
搞到场面大失控
懂吗？ - You understand? - Wait, we can still talk to girls, right?
等等，我们还是能跟妹纸说话吧？
你们可以分别跟一个女生说话 - You can each talk to one girl. - The girls that you bring to the wedding.
你们带到婚礼的女生
蛤意思？ - What do you mean? - I want you to bring a date.
我要你们携伴参加
找两个女伴 - That's two dates. - You want us to bring dates to a wedding?
你要我们带女伴参加婚礼？
歹势？ - Excuse me? - Are you allowed to do that?
可以这样喔？
找体面聪明的良家妇女 Nice, respectable, smart girls! Keep you in line.
能把你们管好的
- 搞屁啊 - 哈？ - What the fuck? - What?
- 你起肖了捏？ - 开玩笑的吧 - Are you insane? - Oh, you're kidding.
不准你们搞砸这场婚礼，听到了没？ You are not screwing up this wedding. Do you hear me?
妈，你有听到爸的一长串狗屁吗？ Mom, do you hear this river of horse shit coming out of Dad's mouth?
我不要你们形单影只、兄弟杠上 We don't want you showing up stag and riling each other up!
- 我们哪会互杠？ - 我们一向超冷静 - We don't rile each other up! - We never get riled up!
我才不会激动 - I don't get riled! - He doesn't and I don't, either!
他跟我都没在激动的
你看看，激动起来了 Look at you right now! You're riled!
老爸，你给我搞清楚状况喔 - Take your head out of your ass, Dad! - You sound insane right now.
有人起肖罗
通通不要鬼吼鬼叫了，好吗？ Everybody stop yelling! Okay?
是我要你们携伴参加的 You guys bringing wedding dates was my idea.
我真的很爱你们 Look, I love the shit out of you guys.
可是大家为了这场婚礼已经够累了 But everyone is already stressed out about this wedding...
我要你们乖一点 and I just need you to be cool.
珍妮，没问题 Of course, Jeanie!
拜托？ Please?
帮帮我 For me?
我们保证绝对不会搞砸你的婚礼 I promise. We would never do anything to mess up your wedding.
珍妮，我们爱你 MIKE: Jeanie, we love you.
我们希望婚礼是你最闲心的日子 We want this to be the best day of your life.
对啊 Yeah.
艾瑞克，你也一样 You, too, Eric.
- Oh. - Oh. Thank you.
言身寸言身寸
但主要是为了珍妮啦 Mostly you, though, Jeanie.
(CHUCKLES)
你要我们携伴，我们就携伴 If you want us to bring dates, we're bringing dates.
好，那事情就解决了 All right, it's settled then.
婚礼女伴 Wedding dates!
戴夫，我们聊一下好吗？听我说 Dave, buddy, let me talk to you for a second, okay? Listen.
对不起，这都是麦克害的 I'm sorry to lump you in with Mike...
但我不能只叫你哥携伴 but if I only told your older brother to bring a date...
否则他会发神经 he'd get all weird about it.
抱歉 害你被拖累 I just feel like he's holding you back.
爸，我不介意被麦克拖累 Dad, I don't mind being lumped in with Mike.
你记得五年级烘焙义卖会上 Do you remember the fifth grade bake sale...
妈做了杯子蛋糕 when Mom made those cupcakes...
被我说烤得湿答答吗？ and I called them moist?
- 记得 - 大家都叫我湿湿 - Mm-hmm. - Everyone called me Moist...
后来麦克拿了一个杯子蛋糕 till Mike took a cupcake...
往汤姆的脸上狠砸 and shoved it in Tom Ginty's face.
他说，你现在湿了，你才湿湿 He said, "Now you're moist, Moist."
麦克就是这么讲义气 That's the kind of guy Mike is.
哪像你只知道意义是三小 So, think on that...
老爸 Dad.
抱歉，我不知道我刚刚在说三小 I'm sorry, I didn't mean to end that on such a weird note, Dad.
- 我爱你 - 我不希望你抹爽 - I love you. And thanks. - Good. I don't want you to be mad.
我哪有抹爽 I'm not even mad. I'm not even upset.
我们会找到女伴的 We're gonna find some dates.
我知道有时候我很像普妹 TATIANA: I gotta say, some nights, I am not looking my best.
但今晚的我正得没有极限！ But tonight is not one of those nights!
(LAUGHS)
- 我的头发好看吗？ - 赞啊 - Do you like my hair? - Yeah, girl.
- 你超辣的 - 才没有 - You look good. - No.
我们晚上要大捞小费 We're gonna make a lot of tips tonight.
赞，我们需要抠抠 Good. We need it. We don't have any money.
我们一毛不剩了
Uh, you got money for this ride, don't you?
你们有这趟车钱吧？
- 当然有啊 - 当然有 - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! - Yeah, yeah, yeah!
你有钱喔？ (WHISPERING) 'Cause you have money?
不是 你有钱吗？ I thought you had money.
我一毛都没有 I don't have any money.
你知道我没钱啊 You know I don't have money.
你们看起来就像没钱的家伙 Yeah, y'all are whispering like people that don't got money.
看清楚，我现在就付 Check it out. I'mma pay you right now.
哔，我用苹果支付了 Boop. I Apple Paid.
我根本没有苹果支付 I don't even have Apple Pay.
哟，Siri，付这个哥钱 Yo, Siri, pay this man.
无法重复扣款 He's already paid.
靠北喔 God damn it!
偶不吃你们这一套，这是偶的计程车 I'm not gonna take shit from you, because this my cab.
你不应该吃我们这一套 You shouldn't take shit from us.
你应该踢我们下车一对啊 - You should kick us out! - You should kick us out of this cab.
偶要他妈的赶你们下车 You know what? I'm gonna kick you the fuck out of this cab.
好啊，再往前走三条街靠右 Yeah, just go three more blocks up on the right...
然后踢我们下车就行了 and then kick us out!
- (BRAKES SCREECHING) - Here we are!
呷赛啦
滚出偶的车 Get out of my cab.
谢谢，你是大好人 Thank you. You're a really good person.
好，上帝保佑你 Okay, God bless you.
偶要改闲优步了，操 I'm just gonna start driving for Uber. Fuck it.
我有个好主意 Ooh. I got a good idea.
我们先绕去纠喝两杯再上班 Let's pop off, get a couple of drinks before work.
小喝就好，不要喝挂喔 Just a few, because I don't want to get hammered.
当然不要，润润喉而已 Yeah, of course not. Just a light buzz.
(ALL CHEERING)
喂… Hey, hey, hey!
欢迎光临清酒轰炸机 Welcome to Sake Bombers...
你第一杯清酒炸弹算我们的 where your first Sake Bomb is on us!
- 砰！ - 爱莉丝，你茫了 - Kaboom! - You're drunk, Alice.
你假装放低音量，但你超大声der You're doing that thing where you're whispering,
but you're really yelling.
因为我不爽你 Because I'm upset with you.
搞屁啊 Oh, what the hell?
我不懂你干嘛没事对我大小声 ALICE: I don't understand why you just started yelling at me for no reason.
发生哈事了？ - What the hell is going on here? - Your little buddy is shit-faced.
你朋友喝瞎了
不盖你 Straight up. Her fianc茅 just left her at the altar.
她未婚夫在婚礼当天烙跑了
她真的超悲催的 She's been going through a hard time.
- 你们在说我坏话逆？ - 宝贝，没有 - Are you guys talking about me? - No, baby girl.
你知道我有多少次进来 You know how many times I have come in here...
都碰到她喝瞎跑到桌子上跳舞了？ and she is drunk off her fucking ass, dancing on the tables?
只有蕾哈娜的歌让我high Only when Rihanna comes on, because it's my jam.
因为我是她的铁粉
我是坚强独立的女性 I am a strong independent woman.
我要到桌上对着蕾蕾扭屁屁 And I will get on a table and shake my shit to RiRi.
因为那是我的权利，美国万岁！ Because it's my right. America!
女性主义万岁！ Feminism!
你边挤奶边喊女性主义万岁吗？ You just push your tits up and say feminism?
对，读推特吧 Yeah. Read a Twitter.
#2016，妹子解放了 # 2016. Women can do shit now.
(ONLY GIRL IN THE WORLD PLAYING)
不要！ RONNIE: Don't do that!
哪个白痴点她的爱歌？ Who put her jam on?
蕾蕾皇后，永远爱你喔 Queen RiRi, forever!
对不起，我害我们被炒了 I'm really sorry that I got us fired.
能撑到现在已经让我很傻眼了 I'm just sort of surprised it didn't happen sooner...
不过我还是很对不起 - but I'm still really sorry. - Hey!
爱莉丝，现在不准说对不起 Alice, you do not apologize right now, okay?
你一点错都没有 You didn't do one thing wrong.
- 好 - 是别人要配合你 - Okay. - People need to get in line with you.
你说得对 Right. You're right.
爱莉丝，你干嘛看你的婚礼影片？ Alice, why are you watching your wedding video?
爱莉丝… FATHER MIKE ON VIDEO: And Alice... do you take Luke?
你愿意嫁给路克吗？
我愿意 I do.
因为很疗愈啊 ALICE: Because it's therapeutic. The more I watch it, the less I feel.
我愈看愈麻痹
路克，你愿意娶爱莉丝为妻吗？ FATHER MIKE: And do you, Luke, take Alice?
我愿意… I do...
才怪 not.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
路克，草泥马咧 Oh, man. Fuck you, Luke.
叫他去死 Oh, fuck that guy.
操他老二啦 Fuck him right in his dick.
不！ No!
我正在幻想他的老二被另一根老二操 Because now I'm picturing his dick getting fucked by another dick.
搞得我想保护它 And it makes me want to protect it.
欧买尬，该死 Oh, my God, girl! Damn!
不要放弃治疗！ You're better than this. Come on!
我们是辣妹界的霸主捏 We're T and A!
当初跟我在国中科学展上 Where's the Alice who made vodka pot brownies with me...
做大麻布朗尼的你咧 for the junior high science fair?
你还变出水球奶 Or gave us water balloon tits and we won that wet T-shirt contest in Mexico?
让我们在墨西哥赢了湿身秀
真的潮爽der Oh, yeah, they were so nice.
就是说啊，我们需要这种刺激 I know, dude. We need that shit.
我受够这种鸟生活了 I'm tired of living like this.
我们需要冒险刺激 We need an adventure.
我们有个很厉害的方案 We've got a great little package we're selling here, man.
热带天堂一周游 A week in a tropical paradise...
跟两个爱玩又爱看书的帅哥共渡 with two fun-loving, yet surprisingly well-read bros?
对 Yeah.
我们小时候有看孙叔叔说故事 I read most of the Goosebumps series, and so did you.
对啊 Yeah.
好康到我都想报名了 Where do I sign up?
专心点 Dude, focus.
- 好 - 这是为了珍妮 - Okay. - This is for Jeanie.
为了找到会玩的乖乖女 So to find the perfect fun, but nice girls, we're gonna have to meet a lot of them.
首先我们要有女性朋友
上网找 The Internet!
好主意 That's a good idea.
爱情公寓、逼透可… Match.com, Tinder...
1069、微信摇一摇 Grindr, OkCupid.
奇集集广告网 Craigslist!
奇集集？ Craigslist?
又不是奇摩拍卖什么都有 Craigslist, you think, that's where you go to meet nice girls?
戴夫？ Dave?
我们就是在那裹找到这张沙发啊 We met this couch on Craigslist.
你还超爱这张沙发的吧？ And you wuv this couch, don't you?
我的确爱那张沙发 I do love that couch.
“诚征夏威夷婚礼女伴” DAVE: I'm gonna unlock the swag on this bitch.
- 我要把页面弄到超美 - 好啊 All right.
来，喝一小口就好，沾一点 Here you go. Just take a little sip. Take a little nip-a-roo.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
搞定 Boom!
“您的广告刊登完成”
你觉得真的有人会看到吗？ Do you think anyone's even really gonna see this?
拜托，希望会 God, I hope so.
你觉得最多有几个？ Like max, what do you think?
大概五六个，不然咧 We're gonna get, like, five or six dates out of this, or what?
这样我就很爽了 I'd be happy with that.
嘿 Hey.
你有看到雪莉转贴的连结吗？ Did you see this thing that Shelly's sending around the office?
免钱游夏威夷耶 It's a free trip to Hawaii!
你看人家P0在我脸书上的连结 Look what someone posted to my Facebook.
- 我要转发出去 - 他们好帅 - I gotta tweet this out. - WOMAN 1: Those guys are cute.
潮到出水啦！ Ala-hat!
我要右边那个 - ALL: I got the one on the right. - I like the one on the right.
我喜欢右边那个
我要右边那个 Oh, I got the one on the right.
约炮，好不好，你要吗？ I like the one on the right.
快传给大家 - We gotta send this to everyone. - TANISHA: Let's all apply!
通通来应征吧
我想去夏威夷 - WOMAN 2: I want to go to Hawaii. - WOMAN 3: I just emailed them.
我刚刚寄电邮给他们了
试着见个面吧！ WOMAN A: Let's just meet them, give 'em a chance.
你们想去参加婚礼？ So, you guys want to go to a wedding?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
你们叫哈名字？ Uh, what are your names?
(CONTINUE LAUGHING)
你们有名字吗？ Do you guys have names?
我们上奇集集是想找工作 Basically we were looking through Craigslist for work.
你们两个都是… Oh, you're both...
鸡 CALL GIRL: Prostitutes.
随便啦，带我们前进夏威夷 Whatever. Take us to Hawaii!
Hawaii!
来去夏威夷！
(ALL CHEERING)
我们不能带你们去 We can't take you.
没法度 No way.
你们说可以免费去夏威夷吗？ Did you guys say something about an all-expenses-paid trip to Hawaii?
仅限女生 It's just for girls.
所以咧？ That's not a deal breaker.
我叫萝拉莉 Hi, my name is Lauralie...
人家还是第一次 and I'm kind of new to this.
没错 Yeah.
什么第一次？ You're new to...
人家第一次见网友嘛 Online dating. Yeah.
我不要那种庸俗的异性恋情 I'm not really looking for a heteronormative relationship.
你看起来像Nike勾勾 - You look like a Nike swoosh. - Goddamn right, I do.
哇靠，我超像耶
我在流浪动物之家做事 I work at a dog shelter.
我们的妹妹很爱狗 Our sister loves dogs.
我希望浪浪能找到好人家 I wanna make sure they get really good homes.
What's a good home?
比如说？
白人的家 The white homes.
- 你说哈米？ - 白人的家 - The what homes? - The white homes.
白人啊 Like white people.
麻烦买单走人 Check, please.
这不是口红，是刺青啦，你北七喔 This isn't lipstick. This is a tattoo, you dumb fuck.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
你是在笑谁？笑谁啊？ Who are you laughing at? Who?
好，这样吧 All right, look, here's the deal.
我才刚离婚，我需要散心 I went through a divorce, like, three weeks ago. I need a vacation.
不 No.
好，你们确定不来一发吗？ Okay, you guys sure you don't want to fuck?
- 蛤？ - 没事 - What? - Nothing.
- 你说哈？ - 没事 - DAVE: What did you say? - Nothing.
你刚刚好像问我们要不要来一发？ Sounded like you said, "Do you wanna fuck?"
你们想要吗？ Do you wanna fuck?
- 蛤？ - 蛤 - What? - What?
- 你们… - 蛤? - What? - You guys...
- 我帮你们松一下啊 - 不要 - Do you want me to fuck you? - No.
- 不要 - 我没说，不过 - No. - I didn't say it, but...
- 我现在就替你吹喇叭 - 蛤? - I'll suck your dick right now. What? - What?
“瞎趴兄弟上网征伴”
“新闻龙卷风” (THEME SONG PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
欢迎继续收看 Welcome back.
来宾史丹格兄弟麦克与戴夫 I'm here with Mike and Dave Stangle...
竟然在奇集集上 who posted an ad on Craigslist...
诚征女伴参加妹妹的婚礼 looking for dates for their sister's wedding...
地点是夏威夷欧胡岛 in Oahu, Hawaii.
他们的广告网路疯传 Well, the ad went viral.
嗯哼 Mm-hmm.
总共有6千多条留言 WENDY: It racked up over 6,000 responses...
这些女生都有意愿过去 from women who actually wanted to go.
拜托，谁会去算啊？ Yeah, well, who's counting?
好像就是我们会算 You know, I guess we all are.
你在特写我吗？ Is this my close-up?
你们怎么会想用奇集集？ WENDY: You guys, come on. Craigslist?
我们是认真要找良家妇女 MIKE: Honestly, this is about finding nice girls...
跟我们去夏威夷参加妹妹的婚礼 to go with us to Hawaii for our sister's wedding.
我只想重申 And I just want to reiterate...
我们会负责全部开销 we're footing the bill for this because we're gentlemen.
因为我们是暖男两枚
免费去夏威夷？ Free trip to Hawaii?
我醒了 (GASPS) I'm awake!
- 拜托，奇集集耶 - 怎么了？ - WENDY: Come on. Craigslist. - What's up?
那是买二手家具的地方 That's where you go to buy old patio furniture.
你猜奇集集还能找到什么？ You know what else you can find on Craigslist?
嗯哼 Mm-hmm.
- 爱 - 嗯哼 - Love. - Mm-mm.
没错，我说出来了 That's right. I said it.
- 爱 - 他感觉很窝心 - Love. - ALICE: That one seems sweet.
他有一股暖味 He has a kind soul.
对啊，重点是他帅到炸 Yeah, and he's also super hot.
没错，炸翻我全家了 Yeah, he's hot as fucking balls.
再说一次，我们要找乖乖女 But just to repeat, we're looking for nice girls.
让家母跟舍妹都满意的女生 Like, girls that our mom and our sister would like.
好，我们要去夏威夷罗 Okay, look, dude, we are going to Hawaii.
来去渡假吧 Let's go on vacation.
那才不是渡假，那是参加婚礼 But it's not a vacation. It's a wedding.
你不觉得我跟婚礼犯冲吗？ Do you really think a wedding's the best place for me?
我上次出席我自己的婚礼 Since the last wedding I went to was mine...
结果就有点虽小 and it didn't turn out very well.
我了，可是… I hear you, but look...
愈是虽小愈是要冲三小啊！ this shit is why this shit is perfect, okay?
因为自从路克烙跑以后 Because ever since Luke left, you haven't been the same.
你就变了一个人
我不能让你再向下沉沦了 You need to get over that, once and for all.
我们要逆轰高飞 And this our shot, man.
让小鲜肉带你脱离苦海 That dude, he's gonna get your groove back.
这是千载难逢的大好机会 This right here is an opportunity of a lifetime...
再不进场就要住套房了 and you know we are entrepreneurs.
你知道吗？ You know what?
我们跟小鲜肉来去夏威夷吧！ Let's make these guys take us to Hawaii!
说得好，来吧 You're right! Let's do it!
就这么办 Let's just do it!
- 没错，臭婊 - 老娘撩下去了 - Yes, bitch. - Let's fucking do it!
不要走闲，马上回来 - We'll be right back. - (WOMEN WHOOPING)
来去夏威夷 TATIANA: We gonna go to Hawaii!
We gonna go to Hawaii!
Whoa! Whoa!
- 等等 - 干嘛？ - Hold up! - What?
他们要找玉女，我们比较像欲女 Those boys said they wanted nice girls. We don't look like nice girls.
对耶，我最近好像都没洗澡 Yeah, I guess I haven't showered in a while.
好，你知道我们要怎么做吗？ Fine, well, you know what we're gonna do?
我们要女优变优女 We're gonna look respectable as fuck.
装成乖乖女 Like nice girls.
Ugh. (SNIFFLES)
比我阿嬷裹脚布还臭 Dude, it's like that Jesus rag!
痛啦，身体发肤受之父母耶！ Ow! It's part of me.
塔蒂亚娜，你的内衣得加内衣 Tatiana, your underwear needs more underwears.
Whoa!
这件洋装是我的战袍 Oh, this dress is my bitch!
我们已经见了37个肖婆 Dude, we have met 37 insane women.
没有一个带得出场 We can't bring any of these girls.
说不定爸会忘记他有最后通牒 Maybe Dad'll just forget about his ultimatum.
爸跟谁最后通奸？ Why would Dad forget about an old tomato?
不是啦，最后通牒 No, his ultimatum.
- 通奸… - 最后通牒 - Old tom... - Ultimatum.
你说“最后通奸J吗？ Are you saying "old tomato"?
最后通牒啦，ㄉ─ㄝˊ Ultima-tomb. Like a tomb or a crypt.
最后通牒 Ultimatum.
我们得搞定这件事，婚礼快到了 Well, we gotta figure something out, because the wedding's coming up quick.
(SIGHS)
我为哈什么事都要跟你拚输赢？ BOTH: Why is everything a competition with you?
我先说了，所以这句我赢了 And I said that first, so actually, I won that.
我们什么时候要跟他们碰面？ ALICE: So what time are we meeting them?
没有什么时候 Technically, no time.
我本来想要寄电邮给他们 Yeah, because I was thinking about emailing them...
直到我发现了 but then I was thinking, um...
只有地方的妈妈才会回这则广告 what kind of floozy-ass bimbo would respond to that ad?
Um...
像我们这种 Us.
对，可是我们没那么北七，懂吗？ Yeah, but we're not like those idiots. You know what I'm saying?
因为他们都很急，“选我选我” Because they're all like, "Oh! Pick me, pick me!"
男人挑女人 it's like the guys interviewing the girls.
我们马上就矮了一截 Like, it immediately would put us in an inferior position.
有没有看过“女人我最大” We're gonna flip the script and Bachelorette that shit.
- 被我们选他们都要跪舔了 - 对 - Those guys would be lucky to have us. - Right.
- 只要让他们这么想就搞定了 - 好 - We just gotta make them think so. - Okay, right.
可是我不是说谎高手 But, you know, I'm really not good at lying...
我每次说起谎都一发不可收拾 because I always try to start small and then it gets crazy...
就好像黄河泛滥那样 and I make-up stuff that couldn't possibly be true.
宝贝，你可以的，来练习吧 Baby, you can do this. Let's practice, okay?
好 Okay.
- 你喜欢什么？ - 喝酒 - Um, what do you like to do? - Drink.
只爱喝甜茶 Just sweet teas.
在阿帕契上喝甜茶吃饼干 Sweet teas and biscuits on blimps.
好，说真的，你不用装口音 All right, straight up, you don't have to do an accent.
我有装口音吗？ I was doing an accent?
千万别提阿帕契 And definitely don't bring up blimps.
靠！他们要闪人了 Shit! They're leaving.
如果这是拚输赢，那我赢了 If it was a competition, I won it.
好，安啦 All right, don't worry.
我都计划好了 It's all part of the plan.
- 是喔？ - 对啊 - Is it? - Oh, yeah.
哈米？什么计划？我不了解你的明白 What does that mean? What plan? I don't know this part of the plan...
Whoa! Ahh!
哇靠 - Oh, fuck! - (MEN GASP)
- (GROANING) - (PEOPLE GASPING)
塔蒂亚娜 Tatiana! Oh!
哇哩咧 Holy shit.
宝贝，你没事吧？ Babe. Are you okay?
我没事，快大喊“她不能呼吸了” I'm okay. Yell, "She can't breathe!"
她不能呼吸了 She can't breathe!
她不能呼吸了，谁快救救她 She can't breathe! Somebody help her!
谁快替她做CPR Somebody give her CPR!
- 她不能呼吸了 - 我会CPR - She can't breathe! - I know CPR!
- 赞 - 我有在当义消 - Great! - I was a volunteer EMT!
别担心，我哥会搞定，好吗？ Hey, don't worry. My brother's got this, okay?
我上过课，我很会 I took a class. I know what I'm doing.
- 她的心脏不好 - 小姐？ - ALICE: She has a weak heart! - Ma'am?
- 小姐？ - 她的心脏很弱 - Ma'am? - She has a weak heart.
我是急救人员，算是医生啦 I'm an EMT. I'm like a doctor, basically.
我会救你的命，好吗？ I'm here to save your fucking life, okay?
我只有她这个闺蜜 - She's my only friend! - That's her only friend, Mike!
麦克，她只有这个闺蜜
她有脉搏！好 We got a pulse! Okay.
千万别让她死掉 Don't let her die!
麦克，你他妈的别让她死掉 Don't you fucking let her die, Mike!
戴夫，闭嘴啦，你也闭嘴 Just shut the fuck up, Dave! You, too, shut up!
你们两个都给我闭嘴，好吗？ Both of you, shut up! Okay?
她不会有事的 I'm gonna save her life!
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
捏鼻子 Plug the nose.
(GASPS)
MIKE: Oh!
你没事吧？ Are you okay?
现在没事了 (PANTING) I am now.
- 我救了她的命 - 她没事了 - I saved her life! - ALICE: She's okay!
- 她没事了吗？ - 我救了她的命 - She's okay? - I saved her life!
(ALL CHEERING)
感谢各位！ Thank you! Thank you!
- 你被补了 - 她飞扑我的车耶 - OFFICER: You're under arrest. - MAN: She hit my car!
我真的没事，我一天到晚碰到 TATIANA: No, you guys, I'm totally fine, really.
It happens all the time.
刚刚撞得好用力 That was a vicious hit. We should take you to the hospital.
我们应该送你去医院
好夸张，我算是欠你一条命 It's crazy. It's almost like I owe you my life.
- 几乎是 - 真的说起来就是 - Almost. - Yeah. Technically, yeah.
- 我帮你拿冰块吧 - 真的 - Let me help you with that ice. - I do.
糟了 Oh, no.
你把他搞得服服贴贴 Seems like it's going pretty well with your guy.
一秒搞定他 Dude, I'm fucking crushing it! So hard!
- (LAUGHS) - Check this out.
等着看
我班上的小朋友会爱死这个故事 The kids in my class are gonna love this story.
我是老师 I'm a school teacher.
你是老师喔？挖塞 You're a school teacher? (CHUCKLES) Wow.
我觉得菜单的“义式烘蛋”有错字 Oop. I think they spelt "frittata" wrong on the menu.
我最重视笔画了 I always notice words and spelling...
因为我是老师 because I'm a teacher...
挑个错字也是很正常的 and that's what I do.
这… (CHUCKLES) That's...
爱莉丝，你是做什么的？ So, Alice, um, what do you do?
我是做避险基金的 Manage a hedge fund.
你做避险基金？ You manage a hedge fund?
我根本就不知道避险基金是哈 I don't even know what a hedge fund is.
基金分成一般基金跟避险基金 Oh. So there's a regular fund, and then there's a hedge fund.
我们的基金呢… And our fund...
非常会避险 Uh, we hedge it.
避险像避孕 We hedge it hard.
猛猛der Oh, wow.
我早上一进公司就会问 I get in, in the morning, and I'm like...
险避得怎么样？ "How's the hedging coming? You been hedging? You hedged much?"
你有在避吗？你避得凶不凶？
你也知道大财团都不会倒 And it's like, too big to fail.
政府会拿纳税人的钱帮他们纡困 Corporate greed, bailouts.
在纽约，一下子就能变天 In a New York minute, everything can change.
纳斯达克跟联合国也一样 On the floor of the NASDAQ and the U.N.
像帅过头那样炒房的啊 And then, Fannie Mae.
或是房东二人组也变天啦 Bernie Mac and D.L. Hughley...
- 爱莉丝，你要不要喝水？ - 好啊 - Alice, you want some water? - Yeah.
- 好厉害 - 没错 - That's so smart. - That is.
“我跟巴拿马总统…” (IMITATES LIAM NEESON) "But what I do have...
“也有点交情” "is a particular set of skills.
“我聚赌最多就罚三千J "Skills I have acquired over a very long career.
“你杀人最少做三十年的牢〕 "Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you."
把电话一挂，就酱 Click. That's it.
太神了 That was amazing.
我还以为赌神本尊在我面前 It was like Dave was not even here...
我跟高进在酒吧参加赌王慈善大赛 and I was just standing in a bar with Liam Neeson.
哈罗，纽约周润发姗姗来迟 Like, "Hello, Liam Neeson's over here."
你是职业谐星吗？ You're a professional comedian or something?
哈？才不是，我跟我哥一起卖酒 What? No. I sell liquor with my brother.
- 是喔 - 对啊 - Oh. - Yeah.
- 我是很喜欢画画啦 - 是喔？ - I do like to draw. - Oh, yeah?
对，我可以给你看我的作品 Yeah, I have drawings here I could show you.
靠，不是这张，歹势 Oh, shit, not that. Sorry.
你看，这就像复仇者联盟 Here. So, they're like The Avengers...
酒界的超级英雄 but they're different types of alcohol.
这是龙舌兰酒跟他的小跟班 So, you have Tequila, and then he's got his pet worm right there.
它叫小龙 And his name is Lil' Mez.
它跟李小龙一样活蹦乱跳 Because he'll "Mez" you up.
下一个是琴酒 The next one right there, that's Gin.
只要他把帽子拿下来… (IMITATES ALI G) When he flips his cap off, dawg, he's just like...
嘿，看我让你一拳毙命 "Yo, I'll pop you off. Guaranteed. One knock." (GRUNTS)
躺平看星星 Done.
接着是威士忌 Next, Whiskey.
他喜欢酿私酒，给坏蛋屎 (IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Likes to make moonshine
and kill bad guys.
你的画挺厉害的 Dude, this is objectively amazing.
谢了 (IN NORMAL ACCENT) Thanks.
当老师最辛苦的地方是哈？ What's the hardest thing about being a teacher?
阿灾 I don't know.
Oh, um...
喔…当老师最辛苦的地方 The hardest thing about being a teacher...
是教他们写国字 is teaching cursive.
好狂 That's awesome.
- 那你咧？ - 蛤？ - What about you? - Yeah?
- 你有男友吗？ - 没 - Are you seeing anyone? - No.
我前任早烙跑了 My ex is gone. Long gone.
哈意思？ What do you mean?
他得癌症死了 He died. Of cancer.
天啊 Oh, my God.
还有爱滋病 And AIDS.
他死了两次？ He died twice?
后来他又坠机死掉，所以… (EXHALES) And then he died in a plane crash, so...
你也太悲催了吧 Whoo! That's a lot to take in.
就是说啊 I know!
谢谢 Thank you.
兄弟，谢了 Thank you, brotha.
老弟 Dude.
我们应该带这两个妹去参加婚礼 We should take these girls to the wedding. Right?
我的女伴是麻辣教师 Mine's a sexy school teacher...
你的女伴…会避险基金 and yours... hedges funds.
- 继续抛媚眼 - 好 - Just keep doing sexy eyes. - Okay.
继续抛媚眼 Keep doing sexy eyes.
我喜欢爱莉丝 I like Alice.
她精灵古怪 And she's smart, she's funny, she's weird.
我们邀这两个妹去婚礼 MIKE: We invite these girls to the wedding, suddenly we're not losers.
就能立马摆脱废咖称号
变成胜利组！ We're winners!
他们过来了 TATIANA: Here they come. They're coming.
这件事听起来可能很夸张 Hey, uh, this might sound crazy...
但我们的小妹要在夏威夷结婚 but our little sister is getting married in Hawaii...
我们想问你们要不要跟 and we wanted to know if you guys wanted to come with.
- Um... (LAUGHS) - Um...
让我们讨论一下好吗… Can you just give us a second to...
没问题 Of course.
假装交头接耳讨论 Okay, so just whisper like we're talking it over...
一副我们拿不定主意那样 like we're not sure if we wanna go or not.
就像这样吗… ALICE: Oh, like...
你在冲三小啦！ What the fuck are you doing?
啊我们是要讨论什么 ALICE: I don't understand why we're arguing!
我们不是很想去吗？ I thought we wanted to go.
好，管他的，我们前进夏威夷吧 All right, fuck it. Let's go to Hawaii!
(WHOOPS)
- 帅啦，屎爆 - 夏威夷！ - Yes! Fuck yes! - ALICE: Hawaii!
(ALL WHOOPING)
(FEEL SO GOOD PLAYING)
Yo, what you know about goin' out?
Head west, red Lex TV's all up in the headrest
Try and live it up, ride true, a bigger truck
Peeps all glittered up Stick up can, they go what?
Jig wit it 'cuz ship crisp, split it all
Ho's ride, get your nut 'til I can't get it up
Bad, bad, bad, bad boy
You make me feel so good
阿罗哈，欢迎 Aloha, and welcome.
- 嗨 - 阿罗哈 - Hi. - Aloha.
真的假的？ For real?
我来替两位办理住房 Let me get you gentlemen checked in, yeah?
哇靠，这饭店超豪华der Holy shit, this place is nice!
之后会更屎 It's gonna be more nice.
乖乖女不会秀摇头丸 Nice girls don't show off their ecstasy.
有一颗是综合维他命啦 One of these is a multivitamin.
这水果免钱吗？ Is this shit free?
拿一些回去配大麻… I can smoke weed out of this, I can smoke weed out of this...
她真是个爱吃水果的阳光女孩 Look at that teacher, grabbing her apple a day.
你看看那个翘臀 Look at that personality from behind.
我得说… It is, dare I say...
真是功德“圆”满 - well-rounded. - Mmm-hmm.
你看麦克 TATIANA: Look at Mike.
一副外表斯文内心败类的样子 He looks like a funhouse mirror version of a better looking dude...
整个原形毕露 but he is just that dude.
戴夫，我们这周末有得爽了 Dave, it is so on this weekend.
我这周末都不会动他 (LAUGHS) I am not touching this guy the whole weekend.
他以为他带我来玩 He thinks just because he brought me here I'm gonna sleep with him?
我就会跟他睡吗？
你看 Check it out.
如果这是麦克的老二，我会这样 If this was Mike's dick, I'd be like...
- (SINGING) Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo... - (LAUGHING)
远观而不亵玩焉 I'd get close, but I'd never touch it.
这裹的花好美喔 They have such beautiful flowers here.
她一定是在勾引我 She's throwing out serious vibes right now.
我饿惹 I'm like, I'm hungry.
我要在她的菠萝面包上涂奶油 I'm gonna butter them biscuits.
我要在烤猪脚上淋油 I'm gonna baste them ham hocks.
我要当摩铁大厨阿基师 I'm gonna be like a sex chef.
我要跟她演葛雷的50道阴影 Mr. Grey will see you now.
我超想弄戴夫 I'm gonna touch Dave.
每次他甜言蜜语 Every time he says something sweet...
我就想去大创买绳索手铐 I wanna get some rope and chain in bulk from Home Depot...
然后回来跟他大战三百回合 and just see where it takes us, you know?
好瞎喔 That is messed up.
这是你们的婚礼行程表 Ladies, your wedding itineraries.
＃为了珍妮 # DoingItForJeanie.
今天，我们要在泳池旁聚会 DAVE: Today, we have the meet and greet by the pool.
之后，我们要去赏海豚 And then after that, we have a dolphin excursion.
礼拜五是喜酒排演 Friday is the rehearsal dinner.
Mmm-hmm.
我跟戴夫要来个盛大致词 That's where Dave and I are gonna be doing our big speech.
我们有休息时间吗？ (CLEARS THROAT) Will there be any downtime?
对啊，因为我得跟办公室联络 ALICE: Yeah, 'cause I gotta keep in touch with the office.
我得打给我的股票问我债券的状况 I gotta call my stocks about the state of my bonds.
这种事常常发生 It happens a lot.
好，我们的房间在这裹 Mm-kay, I think we are right up here.
赞，我跟爱莉丝睡哪间？ Great. So which one is me and Alice's room?
Uh...
不晓得，你要跟爱莉丝同房吗？ I don't know. Are you and Alice gonna share a room?
我本来想说或许你跟我… Or I was thinking that maybe you and I...
可以睡一间房 would stay in the same room.
听起来很不错 That sounds interesting...
可是我觉得不好 but I don't think it would be a good idea.
有哈不好的？ Why not?
因为我碰到你不放心自己 (WHISPERING) Because I don't trust myself around you.
你可以对我放心啊 You can trust me.
我确实对你放心 I do trust you.
我们互相放心吧 Let's trust each other.
太多放心会满出来 There's so much trust.
歹势，我不是故意要舔耳 Sorry. I didn't mean to do that.
我很尊重你，好想要你赶快落单 I respect you so much, I can't wait to get you alone.
我们会付全部的房钱跟开销 Yeah, we're gonna cover all the room charges and stuff...
一天限额50块 for up to $50 per day.
天啊，你们不用这么客气 Oh, my God. You don't have to do that.
我是非常严谨的老师 I'm a very strict teacher.
我比较想要你扮结衣老师 You be Michelle Pfeiffer from Dangerous Minds, and I'll be...
我来扮…
我来扮加藤鹰 I'll be Coolio.
他们有合演过吗？ - Coolio's not in that movie. - Oh.
他是一代宗师捏，怎么可以忽略他 He is in song and spirit.
我要召开家长座谈会 I'm gonna call a parent-teacher conference...
跟大家说你这屁孩有多坏 and tell them what a bad boy you are.
拜托别跟我妈麻说 Please don't tell my mommy.
Please don't tell my daddy.
wifi应该不算在50块裹面啦… I think Wi-Fi is included, too, so...
- 那真是太好了 - 对 - That's always nice. Yeah. - Yeah.
要我打分数的话，我给你D If I were to give you a grade, I'd give you a D.
低空飞过 A big, hard D.
为什么？我应该拿A的 Why? I deserve an A.
你是在说我罩杯？ - What are you talking about? - Oh.
没啦 Nothing.
结论就是… In conclusion...
我要回房间… I'm gonna stay in the room...
跟爱莉丝一起 with Alice.
我们两个一间 That one, with Alice.
好啊，没问题 Cool, cool. No doubt.
有人鸡鸡ininder Somebody overcooked the soft pretzel.
My dick is hard. That's what I'm saying. Give me five minutes.
我老二现在硬得跟石头一样
给我五分钟解决 Oh, my God. Ew!
欧买尬，恶心鬼
(SINGING) Lift it, drop it, shake it
It's going down for real
阿嬷，这是爱莉丝 Grandma, I'd like you to meet Alice.
她又聪明又会开讲，在华尔街上班 She's super smart, great conversationalist, and she works on Wall Street.
不过我是华尔街上的好人 But I'm one of the good ones.
我想她是 (LAUGHS) I think she is.
我是老师，对啊 TATIANA: I am a teacher, yeah.
教育的秘诀在于跳针 And you know what? The key to teaching children is repetition.
重复到那些蠢货听懂为止 You'd be surprised how stupid they are.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
珍妮 Jeanie!
(GASPS)
- 喂，你 - 嗨嗨 - Hey, you! - Hi! Hi!
容我郑重介绍我们的婚礼女伴 I'm so proud to introduce our wedding dates...
- 塔蒂亚娜 - 跟爱莉丝 - Tatiana. - And Alice.
嗨！ Hi!
- 正翻的新娘 - 嗨 - Oh, the bride. The gorgeous bride. - Ow! Hi.
你是这个周末的主角 This weekend is all about you being happy and not shattered.
你一定要开开心心、不受打击
- 谢谢 - 对啊 - Oh. Thank you. - Yeah.
你的手臂跟金刚芭比一样结实 Check out your arms. You got some Michelle Obama arms.
这枪管般的手臂怎么能上飞机？ How'd you get those guns on the plane, girl?
(ALL LAUGHING)
艾瑞克… Eric...
你站在这个妹旁边帅度又提高两分 you are two points hotter just being next to this woman.
是帅10分吧 TATIANA: Try 10 points hotter.
- 是一百万分 - 太多分了 - Try a million. - That's too many points.
珍妮，你老公超帅的 - Wow, and Jeanie, nice snag. - Thank you.
谢谢
你们真的有够登对der TATIANA: You guys look great together, really.
哇尬意喔 I'm liking this. Huh? Maybe you two will keep these two in check a little bit.
麻烦你们帮我看好这两个小屁孩
- (ALL LAUGHING) - I think we can.
可以喔
我会把他顾条条 I'll just keep him on a leash.
爱他不要打他 - Maybe don't hurt him. - (CHOKING)
我喜欢这两个女生 I like these girls.
他们真有趣 They're so fun.
哪像我的伴娘 Unlike my maid of honor.
脑子有洞 She's having a time.
我们家贝琪好不好啊？ How is ol' Becky Grammerstein?
她来了 (SHUSHING) She's coming.
- 珍妮 - 嘿 - Jeanie. - Hey.
这下靠北了 I'm in crisis mode.
我订了美甲时要喝的普罗赛克葡萄酒 I ordered Prosecco for the Mani-pedis...
结果他们只有香槟 and all they have is champagne!
不就是相同的东西吗？ Aren't they the same thing?
- 才不是 - 不是喔？ - No. No, they're not. No. - No?
哈罗，麦克 Hello, Michael.
嗨，戴夫 Hi, Dave.
我是在替你圆梦，好吗？ Look, I'm trying to make your dreams come true, okay?
- 好喔 - 干嘛？ - Right. - What?
如果是坏消息，我就砍你全家 If this is bad news, I'm gonna eat your ass.
- 抱歉 - 没关系 - Sorry. - Okay.
紫色，最好给我紫色 Purple. It better be purple.
我最好去看一下 I should probably go see to that.
- 你要来吗？ - 好啊 - You'll come? - Yeah.
太感谢你们过来了 Thank you so much for being here.
你们找到这两个女生很棒 Guys, good job with these two.
感恩蛤 Mahala.
办，珍妮 DAVE: Bye, Jeanie.
珍妮喜欢这两个妹 (WHISPERS) Jeanie likes the girls. (SINGING) Jeanie likes the girls
- 说到珍妮 - 珍妮喜欢这两个妹 Talk about Jeanie Jeanie likes the girls
因为珍妮喜欢这两个妹最重要 Because it's a" about Jeanie likes the girls
- 喔耶，珍妮喜欢这两个妹 - 来吧 - Oil, yeah, Jeanie likes the girls - Come on!
- 珍妮喜欢 - 这两个妹最重要 - It's a" about Jeanie - Likes the girls
- 珍妮喜欢这两个妹最重要 - 麦克 - it's all about Jeanie likes the girls! - Mike. Where are the girls?
那两个妹咧？
- 哈罗 - 我是爱莉丝 - BURT: Oh, hello! - I'm Alice.
以来个爱的抱抱吗？ I just I wanna give you a hug.
很高兴认识你 It's so nice to meet you.
哇靠，你害我分心了 Fucking A. You distracted me, man.
这洋装三生有幸才能被你穿到 This dress is lucky to be on you. Those pins!
长腿辣妹
- 我的麦克吗？ - 对 - My Mike? - Yes.
- 不可置信…哇 - 真的 - I can't... Wow. - He did.
太厉害了 That's fantastic.
麦克，塔蒂亚娜刚刚跟我说 Mike, Tatiana was just telling me...
你救了她一命 that you saved her life.
爸，就是酱没错 I most certainly did, Father.
身边有个好女生不错吧？ You see how great it is to have nice girls around?
她们真的超好的 - I mean, these are nice girls. - Aw!
没错 Absolutely.
真的，人是我们带来的… They are. And we brought them, so...
不好意思 KEITH: Excuse me. Excuse me.
待会见，亲爱的，来 See you in a minute. Honey, come on.
大家注意好吗？大家能凑过来吗？ Can I get everybody's attention? Could we gather around?
- 欧买尬 - 欧买尬 - Oh, my God. - Oh, my God!
我们好像有点威 We're killing this shit! We're killing.
爸妈喜欢这两个妹 Mom and Dad like the girls!
Ow.
爸妈喜欢这两个妹 (SINGING) Mom and Dad like the girls
我是基斯，艾瑞克的伴郎、表弟 Hi, I'm Keith. I'm Eric's best man, his cousin...
也是他的麻吉 and his best friend.
欢迎大家来聚会 Welcome to the meet and greet!
(ALL CHEERING)
水喔！ MIKE: Yeah!
大家掌声欢迎 Put your hands together...
艾瑞克跟他的美娇娘珍妮 for Eric and his lovely bride, Jeanie.
拍手吧！ - Give it up! - (ALL CHEERING)
珍妮！ Jeanie!
大家好 Hey, everybody. A big thank you to my new family, the Stangles.
大大感谢我的新家人史丹格一家
艾瑞克，爱你喔 We love you, Eric!
谢谢 Thank you.
也感谢我自己的家人，我要说… And to my own family, I must say...
谢谢你们不远千里 Portland, Oregon in the house!
(ERIC'S FAMILY WHOOPING)
很闲心大家终于是一家亲 I'm really happy to finally make you all my ohana...
成为一家人 - which means "family." - (APPLAUSE)
夏威夷的人说 And as the Hawaiians say...
乎干啦 Kale maluna!
意思大致上是干杯 Which translates loosely into "bottoms up." (LAUGHS)
但准确来说，它的意思其实是… But more closely translated, it actually means...
“屁股朝天” "your butts to the sky"...
很不得体 which is inappropriate.
场面一定会很棒 This is gonna be magic.
再次感谢大家过来 Thank you all again, so much, for being here.
我们很闲心各位能来参加婚礼 We are so happy to have you at our wedding.
婚礼…婚礼…婚礼 (ECHOING) Wedding. Wedding. Wedding.
- 把麦克风放到架上 - 架上 - Put the mic on the stand. - The stand.
- 爱莉丝 - 你要去哪？ - Alice. - Where are you going?
怎么惹？ Hi! What happened?
你刚刚弥留了，怎么了？你没事吧？ You sort of zoned out for a sec. What's up? You okay?
没事啊，我们在参加婚礼婚礼婚礼 Yeah! We're at a wedding. Wedding. Wedding.
你刚刚连跳针三次婚礼 You just said "wedding" three times.
我好得不得了 I'm fine. Yeah!
忘记背后努力向前！ Let's just forget about the past, and move on.
前进酒吧 To the bar!
去酒吧？ To the bar?
Mmm. Mmm.
这个好像不是shot杯吧 Ooh. I don't think these are shots.
那个…你好像在喝shot杯一样 I mean, we're drinking 'em like they're shots...
但这应该不是拿来乎干啦的… but I don't think they're supposed to be drunk like that.
你的脸好搞笑喔 Your face is funny.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(WOMAN CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)
(LAUGHING)
麦克 Oh. Hey, Mike.
这是我新朋友塔蒂亚娜 I was just talking to my new friend, Tatiana.
塔蒂亚娜，这是我表哥麦克 Tatiana, this is my cousin, Mike.
她知道我是谁，她是我的女伴 She knows who I am. She's my date.
这种正妹怎么会跟你搞在一起？ Why would someone this attractive ever be with you?
你整个周末都要跟我女伴勾勾缠吗？ Are you gonna hit on my date all weekend, like bisexual Fonzie?
你这个双插头
不用那么久啦，对吧？ I don't think it's gonna take all weekend. Am I right?
你们是表哥跟表妹？ So, you guys are cousins?
她从小就忌妒我 She's been jealous of me since I was a little kid.
你怎么不撒泡尿照照镜子啊 What could I possibly be jealous of?
穿这什么台客花衬衫 Your outfit looks like Jimmy Buffet's dust ruffle.
你们平常就喜欢互谯吗？ Do you guys always do this?
这衣服潮到出水好吗？ Okay, this is actually a very fashion-forward outfit.
屁，你跟速食餐厅厕所的壁纸没两样 No, you look like the wallpaper from a Long John Silver's bathroom.
酷，我要去吃自助餐了 TATIANA: Cool. I'm gonna hit the buffet now...
你们两个继续斗阵吧 while you guys do whatever it is you're doing.
好吗？ Okay?
好啊 Good idea.
你看看 Look at that.
粉红屁屁跳走了，好像是在说 Pink little ass just bouncing away, saying...
泰莉，来抓我啊… (SINGING) Terry, come get me Terry, come get me
才怪，屁屁是说 No, it's saying...
麦克，快进来… (SINGING) Mike, crawl up in this Mike, crawl up in this
你们这对瞎趴兄弟 Whoa. What's up, double trouble?
我是泰莉，新娘的表姊 Terry. Cousin of the bride.
待会来我房间找鲍鱼报到 Get at me later, we'll make a Terry sandwich.
别碰她，她有菜花 Don't touch her. She has chlamydia.
- 谁没有啊？ - 屁 - Everybody does. - No.
你以为是人人有功练喔 Not everyone does.
Saw you and Dave are doing your speech together at the rehearsal dinner.
听说你跟戴夫到时候要致词
Mmm-hmm.
我会用我的致词完爆你们 I'm going to bring the house down with my speech.
你哪来的自信啊？ And why do you think you're such a hotshot?
认识陈汉典吧？ You know Chris Rock?
他是我邻居，我的致词是找他练的 He's my neighbor. Practiced my speech on him.
他给了我七个超杀的梗 And he gave me seven killer jokes.
去旁边画圈圈吧 Suck on that, cousin.
泰莉跟你说再见 Terry out.
搞笑天王汉典？操！好狂 Chris Rock? Fuck! That sounds awesome.
- (TATIANA MOANING) - (ALICE CHUCKLING)
赞啦 (TATIANA MUMBLING)
(BOTH MOANING)
你说得对，这起司汉堡超好吃 Oh, my God. You were right. These cheeseburgers are amazing.
对啊 I know.
当乖乖女有够北烂的 Being a good girl is hard.
对啊，烂透惹 I know. It sucks.
乖乖女没有在酗酒的啦 You were hitting that booze too hard for a nice girl.
你得忘记路克 You need to get Luke out of your head.
- 对啊 - 真的 - Yeah. - You do.
最好的办法 And what better way to do that...
就是来场激烈的A片监赏会 than good old-fashioned dick flicks.
“仅限成人，女性专用” - Yes. - ALICE: Oh, God.
- 好啊 - 尬的
塔蒂亚娜，我是麦克史丹格 Tatiana. Mike Stangle.
我们在聚会上见过…靠北喔是我啦 From the meet and greet. Well, from before that.
等一下 One second.
操 Fuck.
嘿，是你喔 Hey. It's you.
是我耶 It is me.
我本来想进来跟你一起看电影 I was hoping maybe I could come in and we could watch a movie or...
或者是随便“干”点什么事… (WHISPERS) Do whatever you wanna do.
可以不要耳语吗？ Why are you whispering?
我们之前不是也这样吗？ 'Cause that's what we were doing before.
有“海屎王”耶 They've got Cockbusters.
跟“海贼王J差不多吗？ Is that supposed to be like Ghostbusters?
所以会有橡胶屌吗？ Why would you wanna get rid of the cocks?
- 那是哈？ - 她在说梦话 - What's that? - She's talking in her sleep.
她的梦话都很离谱 She says the craziest stuff in her sleep.
他的鸡鸡有够硬，还散发出霸王色耶 It looks like his dick is gonna pop. It's so veiny and hard.
- 塔蒂亚娜 - 有东西硬了？ - Tatiana! - Something's hard?
胡立欧，我的学生 Julio. My student.
我跟他在视讯上课 I'm doing a Skype class session with him...
他这门课超硬的 and he's having a really hard time in the schoolyard.
你再不进来，我就要自慰罗 If you don't get in here, I'm gonna start masturbating!
讨厌啦，我得走了 Oh, phooey. I've gotta go.
你们这声音像是在看A片… That sounds like you guys are, watching porno, or...
- 不是 - 塔蒂亚娜 - No. - ALICE: Tatiana!
房间瓢的是大麻味吗？你们呼麻喔？ Does it smell like weed in here?
- You guys smoking weed? - No. It was a skunk.
那是臭鼬啦
我不能聊了，孩子的教育不能等 I've gotta go, because a bunch of kids are waiting to hear...
我怕他们国小无法毕业 if they've failed second grade or not.
我也要打分数，正妹… Well, I am doing some grading myself, and girl...
我给你打A加 you are getting an A plus.
感恩蛤 Thank you so much.
Mmm.
(KIDS PLAYING)
- 赢了 - 太强了 - WOMEN: And then win! - Skills. Def skills.
敬塔蒂亚娜跟爱莉丝 BURT: Cheers to Tatiana and Alice.
我们好高兴你们能过来 We're so glad you're here.
(ALL CHEERING)
好啊，干杯 MIKE: Yes. Cheers.
各位，我跟爱莉丝发现超屎的节目 You guys, Alice and I found this really cool thing.
侏罗纪公园越野车游览 Jurassic Park ATV Tours!
就是在电影拍摄地点骑越野车 You ride ATVs where they shot Jurassic Park.
可是我们要去看白海豚转弯 Actually, we are about to go swimming with the dolphins.
行程有排，所以… It's on the itinerary, so...
拜托，是侏罗纪公园耶 But, guys, Jurassic P!
我超爱这部电影der I love this movie!
不会吧，骑越野车也太屎了 (GASPS) Oh, my gosh, on ATVs, this would be so sick.
欢迎光临 "Welcome...
侏罗纪公园 BOTH: "...to Jurassic Park."
“那坨屎有够大der” "That is a big pile of shit."
“小家伙，你也没那么可怕嘛” "Oh, you're not so scary, little guy."
(ALL MIMICKING DINOSAURS)
这几个人有事吗？ What is going on here?
Oh! Oh!
我也很想去 I wish we could do that...
可是我们跟海豚有约 but we have a date with the dolphins...
在那深海的大凤梨中… at the bottom of the ocean, so...
我们应该顺着珍妮的心意吧？ Don't you think we should do what Jeanie wants to do?
毕竟是她在办婚礼 I mean, it is her wedding after all.
麦克，对吗？ Right, Mike?
“越野车电影游览”
能来太爽惹 I'm so happy we're here!
恐龙就是在这种大草原上狂奔 This is where the dinos ran in the prairie!
就是说啊 I know, girl!
你看，我是雷龙 Check it out! I'm a brontosaurus!
我是暴龙，我要来抓你罗 I'm a T-Rex. I'm coming to get you!
(WOMEN SHOUTING)
各位，紧握扶手站稳踏阶啊 Guys, butts on seats, okay? No hot dogging!
(CHUCKLES)
(ALL YELLING)
“恐龙朝这边来了” ALICE: "They're flocking this way!"
这裹有一只暴龙 Here's a T-Rex!
“生命自有出路” "Life finds a way."
珍妮！艾瑞克！ Jeanie! Eric!
Hey!
抱歉，我把艾瑞克甩掉了 Hi! Sorry, I lost Eric.
哪有，我只是安全驾驶而已 I wasn't lost. Just driving at a reasonable pace.
待在那裹，我们去找你 Stay there. We'll come to you.
我们最好绕过去，岩棚看起来超危险 All right, we better go around. This ledge looks super dangerous.
麦克说得对，看起来是很危险 Oh, yeah, Mike's right. It does look dangerous.
好佳在我就爱危险 It's a good thing my middle name is "dangerous!"
没错 Yeah, it is!
- ALICE: Whoo! - Whoa!
(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)
- 尬的 - 蛤？ - Oh, God! - What?
林老师咧，我看到上帝了 Oh, my God, she's Superman!
欧买尬 Oh, my God!
爱莉丝最强 A-Money!
(GRUNTS) Oh!
我还是觉得应该要绕过去 I still think we should go around.
她飞得有够高的啦 She just got some serious air, bro!
那哪叫高？看我的厉害 (SCOFFS) You call that serious air? Check this fucking shit out.
Whoa!
通通吃我鲍吧 废物 Suck my clit, fuckers!
Whoa!
又来了 Oh, not again.
好啊，宝贝 Yeah, baby!
拜托，真是简单到翻过来 Easy does it. Nothing fancy.
(SCREAMS)
- 你看她在干嘛 - 我看到了 - Oh, my God. Look at what she's doing! - I see it!
太强惹 Sweet candied nuts.
(TATIANA WHOOPING)
Oh!
他们到底打哪冒出来的？ Who are these girls?
Whoa!
Um... (CHUCKLES)
你们为什么可以开无双？ Where did you guys learn to do that?
我们以前住在庙口 - We lived in Baja. - Oh.
常跟八家将尬车 Tore up a lot of trail down there.
还交了很多朋友 Made a lot of friends.
敌人更多 Made even more enemies.
尬的，我好怀念庙口 God, I miss Baja.
麦克，换你了，别当小孬孬 Your turn, Mike! Don't be a pussy!
我才不干，损我这招没效 I'm not gonna do it. Name calling doesn't work on me, so...
麦克，你跳了就会让我兴奋 TATIANA: Mike, it'll turn me on if you take that jump.
你不跳我才会兴奋 ERIC: Turn me on if you don't.
我说不跳就不跳 Still not going to, still.
我不要 I'm not gonna do it.
我们才不干 Like we would ever do that.
门都没有 - No way. - (CHUCKLES)
快点，跳啦 Come on! Do it.
他才不敢跳，快跳啊 He's not gonna do it. Do it!
别到他 Do not do it.
死都不跳 No, definitely don't do that.
这主意斓透了，又瞎又蠢 It's a bad idea. It's a stupid, dumb idea.
- 又危险又笨 - 没错 - And it's dangerous, and it's foolish. - Yes, it is.
我要跳了 - I'm gonna do it! - (ENGINE REVVING)
麦克！ Mike!
(SCREAMS)
靠 - Oh, shit! - Oh.
Oh!
妈祖保庇 I'm never gonna die!
(SCREAMING)
- 靠 - 他冲超快 - Oh, shit. - He going fast.
靠，你是不会直走喔 Oh, no. Keep it straight!
这下靠北了 Oh, he's shanking it.
(SCREAMING)
拍到了… Whoo! Got it, got it!
(GASPS)
(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
喔不，妈呀！ Oh, no, God!
珍妮，闪闲 Jeanie, move!
不！ No! No! No! No!
(GASPS)
不会有事的 It's gonna be fine.
可是你脸上就写着一个惨字 Your face is making me think it's gonna be bad.
一定没有你想的那么惨啦 I'm sure it's not as bad as you think.
- 知道吗？ - 对啊，没有 - You know? - JEANIE: No. Yeah.
让我们看情况就好了，放心吧 BECKY: Just show us what we're working with,
and it'll be fine.
- 好 - 好吗？ - Okay. - Okay?
没事吧？ - Is it okay? - (ALL GASP)
- 不会吧 - 夭寿 - DAVE: Oh, my God! - Oh! God! Oh!
呃…你还是很美 Wow! Don't you look good?
- (GROANS) - (SCREAMS)
- 你的脸！ - 麦克，惦惦 - Your face! - Shut up, Mike!
你才惦惦啦，你有看到她的脸吗？ You shut up, Becky! Have you seen her face?
尬的，怎样？ Oh, God! What?
你就像制毒的时候浴缸爆炸了 It looks like you were making meth, and the bathtub exploded.
(SOBBING)
像是个隐藏版毁容芭比 You look like Burn Victim Barbie.
别吵 Hush it up!
你是黑色肯尼 And you're Black Ken.
- 够了 - 好 - Stop! - Okay.
你像画了超夸张烟燻眼妆 It's like an exaggerated smoky eye.
戴夫，说实话，我很惨吗？ Dave, be honest. Is it bad?
这边有点… This side, there's a little...
- 这裹有点“变色” - 咪咪而已 - There's a little discoloration there. - Little discoloration.
哪一边啦？ Which side is it?
你可以整晚遮着脸跳舞 DAVE: You could do a dance the whole night where you just hold a hand over your face.
- 好聪明喔 - 好 - MIKE: Oh, that's smart. - Okay.
引领新潮流 It's like a new thing.
珍妮舞… (SINGING) Do the Jeanie, do the Jeanie
像这样吗？ Like this?
- 大家快来跳珍妮舞 - 来吧 - Come on, everybody! Do the Jeanie. - Do it.
- 我在跳珍妮舞 - 大家跳珍妮舞 - I'm doing the Jeanie. - MIKE: Do the Jeanie, y'all.
踏两步搞定 It's a one-two step.
好，够了 All right, that's enough.
不要再跳了，你们两个… Enough dancing! You and you...
给我滚出来 outside, now!
亲爱的，别激动 Honey, calm down.
(SCREAMING)
- 老公，别激动 - 抱歉 - Honey, calm down. - Sorry.
你知道他们害我们的女儿 Do you understand they've deformed our little girl...
在婚礼前一天毁容了吗？ the day before her goddamn wedding?
她看起来像法拉利姐，老天 She looks like Seal, for Christ's sake!
爸，你好狠毒 Oh! Why, Dad?
Ow!
你觉得爸会打我们屁股吗？ Do you think he's gonna spank us?
虾毁？ What?
没事 Never mind.
我很久没看到他气成这样了 I haven't seen him this pissed in a long time.
OOP-
呃，是另一道门 Yeah. It's the other door.
要从中间关 They meet in the middle.
- 从中间关啦 - 该死 - They meet in the middle. - God damn it!
爸，听我说，我知道你要说哈 DAVE: Dad, listen. I know what you're gonna say.
- 你说得对 - 我们要告死越野车公司 - You're right. - We're gonna sue the ATV companies.
- 对吗？ - 是喔 - Right? - (SCOFFS) I see.
那不是我原本要说的话 Not what I was gonna say.
永不妥协，告死他们 Let's Erin Brockovich this bitch.
麦克，闭嘴 Mike, stop!
你得扛下来，这是你的错 You've got to own this. This is your fault.
才不是 It's not.
要也是那两个妹的错 If anything, it's the girls' fault.
他们是肖婆 They're crazy.
问题不在他们身上 The girls aren't the problem!
你才是 You are.
你们到底在冲三小？ What the hell did you think was gonna happen, huh?
怎么会搞成这样子？ What did you think was gonna happen?
我们都计划好了 We had a plan.
计划是下水玩海豚 The plan was to swim with dolphins...
之后吃香蕉 and eat bananas afterwards.
爸，我不要去怪罪谁 See, Dad, I'm not gonna point any fingers here...
可是间接来说 but indirectly...
要不是那两个妹逼我们 we wouldn't have been on ATVs if the girls hadn't forced us to.
我们也不会去玩越野车了
而且是谁要我们携伴来的？ And who made us bring dates in the first place?
- 我没在怪罪谁喔 - 对啊 - Not pointing fingers. - Yeah.
好，我要收回我之前说的话 All right. I'm gonna take back what I said to you earlier.
你们没有谁拖累谁，两个都脑残 I am going to lump you in together.
好耶，欢迎加入脑残联盟 All right, you are lumped!
你们有毛病啊？ The hell is wrong with you, huh?
你们到底有什么毛病？ What the hell is wrong with you?
爸 Dad.
操 Fuck.
他妈的通通离我远一点 Everyone get the fuck away from me.
走开啦，这是大人池 Move! Adult Swim!
这下全都毁了，可怜的珍妮 It's all fucked now. It's all fucked, you know? Poor Jeanie.
这周末对珍妮来说很重要 Jeanie's special weekend, and I ruin it.
却被我毁了 Hey, hey, hey, Alice? That was not your fault, okay?
爱莉丝，错不在你，好吗？
我连毁两个婚礼了，有够瞎的 That's two weddings that I've ruined. It's just like, "Stupid Alice!"
珍妮的脸斓掉是很惨 Look, it's too bad that Jeanie's face got shredded...
但我们是来渡假的 but this is supposed to be our vacay.
记得吧？我们要开开心心 Remember? We're supposed to be having fun...
放手探险的 and going on adventures.
跟我一起下水啦 Get in here with me.
我要去找她赔罪 I'm gonna find her. I'm gonna make it up to her.
不行！你没在听我说话，别走啊 No, no! You're not listening to me. Don't leave me!
(SCOFFS)
Ah!
(SIGHS) Oh.
Hmm?
谢谢你们让我一起来水疗 Thanks again for letting me join your spa day, ladies.
好像你有问过一样…反正你都来了 It's not like you asked or anything, but you're here. Yay.
你们的告别单身派对都玩什么？ What did you guys do for your bachelorette party?
有很疯吗？你们有玩那招吗？ Did it get crazy? Did you guys do that thing...
跑去赌城扮成鸡 where you go to Vegas and you dress up as a prostitute...
来一场鸡王慈善大赛 and you go out and there's a contest...
比谁能噱嫖客最多钱 to see who can get the most money from a john...
然后跟他们说你是卧底警察 but then you tell him, "I'm an undercover cop"...
看他们跪下来求你别跟家人讲 and they, like, beg that you don't tell their children and their wives...
还尿失禁被拍下来 and they piss themselves, and you've got the whole thing on video.
放到水管上认同请分享 And then you put it on YouTube and then there's the Auto-Tune remix.
还搭配罐头音效
你们有玩这招吗？ Did you do that thing?
- 没有 - 没有啊 - No. - No.
我没办告别单身趴… I didn't actually end up having one, so...
为哈？新娘子都需要告别单身趴啊 Why? Every bride needs a bachelorette party.
珍妮，抱歉墨西哥之旅吹了 I'm sorry Cabo didn't work out, Jeanie.
我知道，没关系 I know. It's fine.
我工作走不闲 You know I couldn't get the time off work.
我也不放心你一个人 And it would have ruined it for you, down there without me.
现在气氛很紧张吗？ Is there some tension about this?
所以我想说取消行程也比较好 So I just thought, "Let's cancel the whole trip," if that makes sense.
珍妮，你们小声一点好吗？ Jeanie, can you keep it down? On the phone with Tokyo.
我跟东京在通话
我有提让人不舒服的话吗？ Did I bring up something uncomfortable?
而且我当时压力大到得泡疹 Also, I caught the shingles because it was so stressful.
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
我觉得我好像有 'Cause it feels like I did.
墨西哥又一堆臭虫什么的 BECKY: Plus they have Mexican bed bugs.
(SCREAMS)
你们别说了 I need you guys to stop it!
把你那打闲的洞闭上 Oh, that fucking gaping mouth of yours, shut it!
给我闭上！ Shut it!
我只是想放松错了吗？ I just want to relax! Is that too much to ask?
拜托！我只想放松 Please! I just wanna relax.
珍妮，你还好吗？ KEANU: How are you feeling, Jeanie?
我的压力有点大 A little stressed out.
- 你先脱掉袍子 - 好 - I'll give you a minute to disrobe. - Yeah, okay.
脸朝下趴好 Face down on the table.
嗨，裹面是我的闺蜜 Hi, um, that is my best friend in there...
她明天要结婚了，有点紧绷 and she's getting married tomorrow, and she's a little uptight.
你可以帮她松一下吗？ And I was wondering if you could, um, help her let loose a little bit?
行吗？ You know?
给她来个夏威夷的“爽快”经验？ Give her the "Hawaii Five Oh" experience?
来点“特别”的？ The wink-wink, nudge-nudge massage, you know?
我不会抛媚眼，可是就是特别一下？ I can't really wink, but a wink-wink, nudge-nudge?
- 你还好吗？ - 好啊 - Are you okay? - Yeah.
你眼睛好像扭到了 Looks like you had a bit of a fit.
不是啦，那是抛媚眼 No, no. That's wink... That's wink-wink...
偶觉得偶了解你的意思惹 I feel like I've gotten what you're trying to say.
- 赞 - 但是偶自己想通的 - Great. - But I figured it out.
- 你并没跟偶沟通 - 好吧，合理 - You didn't really communicate it to me. - Okay, that's fair.
给她特别“幸福”的按摩 Yes, you want the special "I am blissful" massage?
- 对啊 - 好 - Yeah. - Yeah.
Um...
- 是有多幸福？ - 别担心 - How blissful is that? - Oh, don't worry.
不会实际插入 Physically, no penetration.
那就好 Classy.
这只是一种灵的网罗而已 Spiritually, I'll be doing an intimate tour of her chi.
我看得出来你是武林高手 Oh, you're gonna be good in there. I can tell.
(MOANING)
珍妮，这裹的冷热怎么样？ How's the temperature in here, Jeanie?
很好啊，很舒适 Oh, it's good. Good. Comfy.
很好，把灯光调暗一点 Good. Take down the light a little bit.
你要结婚罗？ So you're getting married, huh?
对啊 I am. Yeah.
偶知道这种时候压力很大 I know it can be a stressful time.
办婚礼到底是为自己还是为家人 You know it's like, "Who is this for, me or my family?"
对啊，我的脸最近破相了 Yeah. I've recently had an injury to my face...
这让我的压力有点大 which I'm a little stressed out about.
可以抹油吗？ Are you okay with oil?
可以啊 Yeah, sure.
偶们国家的人 - (MOANS) - You know, in my country...
说油是“上帝美丽的润滑剂” they call oil "God's beautiful lubricant."
用我的母语听起来没那么怪 It sounds better in my language.
上帝赋予的美丽润滑剂 (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
听起来好美 Oh, that's lovely.
好 'kay.
按摩的基本要点 Some ground rules.
一，不带感情 One, no emotions.
- 好 - 二，深呼吸 - Okay. - Two, breathe.
Ahh... (GASPS)
三，不插入，仅震动 Three, there is no penetration, only vibration.
(JEANIE MOANING)
发生什么事惹？ What is happening?
这招叫“企鹅弯腰J I call this "The Bent Penguin."
这招只是简单的“火腿蛋” This one is just "The Ham and Eggs."
这招是“彗星撞地球J This one is called "When Moons Collide."
“愤怒鸟” "Angry Hummingbird." "Angry Hummingbird."
这招是“家住机场旁” This one is called "House by the Airport."
顺便问一下，你还好吗？ Just checking in. Everything good?
希望你有好好享受 Hope you're enjoying this. For me, it's just another Friday.
这对偶来说很平常
(MOANING ECSTATICALLY)
- (SIGHS DEEPLY) - "Happy Doll."
“开心娃娃”
这招是“休息不去摩铁路” This one is just called "Taking a Break." I am pooped.
偶累屎惹
休息一下，很赞 A little break. That's nice.
(BOTH YELLING)
又来惹 Here we go again.
(MOANING)
你有碰到我吗？ Are you even touching me?
没有，但偶的气有 No, but my aura is.
没有错 Yes, it is!
爽翻天惹 Sweet baby Jesus!
(SIGHS)
怎么样？ - How's it going? - (SCREAMS)
靠，我还以为这裹只有我 Shit, I thought I was alone in here.
喔，你错了，是只有我们 Oh, yeah. You're not. I mean, we're alone.
麦克怎么样？还在忌妒我吗？ How's Mike? Still really jealous of me?
好啦，我车子超趴吗？是啦 It's like, yeah, okay, do I own a Tesla? Yes.
我赚的钱比麦克多很多吗？ Do I make a shit-ton of money, like, way more than Mike?
对，可是谁在乎啊 Yes. But it's like, who cares?
我有蕾哈娜的后台通行证吗？ Do I get backstage tickets to Rihanna?
我的地下室有吹玻璃工作室吗？ Do I have a glass blowing studio in my basement?
等等，蕾哈娜后台通行证？ Hold up, backstage tickets to Rihanna?
对啊，她喜欢我作伴 Yeah, she likes to have me around. You know.
爱莉丝最爱蕾蕾了 - RiRi is Alice's jam. - Oh, RiRi, is it?
叫这么亲密是吧？ - Yes. - That's funny.
- 对啊 - 好笑
如果我替她弄到后台通行证 She would freak out if I got her backstage tickets to Rihanna.
她会爽翻天的
你可以替她弄到啊，从我身上 Well, you could get her tickets. From me. I'm right here.
你说真的吗？ Are you serious?
夭寿，蒸气室让你的毛孔大开啊 Oh, God, steam rooms just open up your pores, you know?
全部开透透 They open up everything.
蕾蕾的后台超好玩，她有时会当DJ Backstage at RiRi is very fun. Sometimes she plays the DJ.
她会刮碟，像这样… You know, just scratching records. You know like...
(IMITATES RECORD SCRATCHING)
靠，好屎 Shit, man. That's...
你是说我要进去才能拿到票吗？ Are you saying you want me to get in there for the tickets?
没有… No. No, no, no. No.
对啦 (WHISPERS) Yes.
塔蒂亚娜？ Tatiana?
塔蒂亚娜？哇哩咧 - Tatiana? Whoa. - (WOMAN SCREAMS)
抱歉，我在找我的婚礼女伴 Sorry about that. Looking for my wedding date.
塔蒂亚娜？ Tatiana?
爽… JEANIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
(EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK)
(MOANING RAPIDLY)
先生，请你离闲 Please leave, sir.
你把我妹怎么样了？ What are you doing to my sister?
麦克，我要出来了一不！ - Mike, I'm coming. - No!
(MOANING)
(HUMMING)
(MOANING ECSTATICALLY)
出去 Get out!
(SCREAMS)
赞喔… TERRY: Oh, sure. Oh, sure. Oh, sure.
你要漫出来没… So, are we, like, close, or...
把洗衣机转到旋转模式吧，对了 Let's put the washing machine on spin cycle. There we go.
(SCREAMS)
搞什么啊…塔蒂亚娜！ What the... Tatiana!
泰莉！ Terry! Terry!
- 塔蒂亚娜 - 麦克，闭嘴啦 - Tatiana! - Shut the fuck up, Mike.
(BOTH YELLING)
Whoa!
你屎定惹 MIKE: I'm gonna kick your ass.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
真是个弱鸡 He is losing this fight!
靠北，把你奶头收起来 Oh, God! I can see your nipple!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
把你的菜花给我拿走 Get your butt out of my face!
(YELLS)
(GROANING)
多谢了 Well, thank you so much.
我超有需要der Um, I definitely needed this.
偶知道 I know. Bring this gift into your marriage.
用这份大礼来增加婚姻情趣吧
- 你只要吊索就行了 - 好 - All you need is load-bearing ribbons. - Okay.
- 天花板还要加固定 - 喔 - And a reinforced ceiling. - Oh.
偶要事先警告你 I should warn you...
你可能会余波荡漾 you may experience some aftershock orgasms.
喔 Oh.
偶会避免操作重机具两礼拜 So, I wouldn't operate any heavy machinery for a couple weeks.
偶不是说“鸡”具，偶是说… That is not a euphemism for penis. I mean like...
- 牵引机、起重机、大船 - 好 - tractors, cranes, big boats. - Okay.
感谢告知 Good to know.
- 还要多喝水 - 好 - Oh, and please hydrate. - Okay.
偶不断强调后果可能会很严重 I cannot stress this enough. The consequences could be...
可能会有业力反弹 You could develop cancer.
真是美妙的友情 You have a very good friend.
等等，这是你安排的？ Wait, you did that?
对啊，你的脸斓掉让我好愧疚 Yeah, well, I felt so bad about your fucked up face...
我想赔罪 and I wanted to make it up to you.
谢谢 Aw! Thank you.
谁需要告别单身趴啊，有你就好啦 Hey, who needs a bachelorette party when they have you around?
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
- 他磨缯我的屁屁 - 是喔？ - He rubbed my butt. - Yeah?
不过是用他自己的屁屁 But with his butt.
他爬到吊索上 It was like... He was on ribbons.
你在水疗馆到底是怎么处理珍妮的 I don't know what you did with Jeanie in the spa...
她现在快乐的不得了 but she's in a great mood.
没什么，只是让她解放一下 Yeah, no problem. She just needed a release.
我对你的绘本有个想法 Oh, um, I had an idea for your graphic novel.
你可以弄个兰姆角色，追求简朴和平 I thought you could do like a Rum character,
who's like Rastafarian, and he's like...
说“我是兰兰，进来我的肚肚” "I'm Rum Rum, get in my tum-tum, and I play the steel drum."
“我最喜欢蓝调音乐”
(IMITATES STEEL DRUM)
“你能拦姆斯，但你守不住他啦” "You can rum, but you cannot hide, man."
没错，超赞，给你一百分 Yeah, that's awesome. Already, that's so amazing.
这主意太屎了，我怎么没想到？ No, that's such a good idea. How did I not figure that?
等我回去，我就不跟麦克去卖酒了 I think when I get back, I'm gonna stop selling liquor with Mike...
我要开始当全职画家 and start drawing full time.
- 是喔？ - 对啊 - Really? - Yeah.
太好了 That's amazing.
很少有人找到人生方向 Do you know how few people know what they really wanna do?
不过如果麦克知道的话 But then I think about what Mike's gonna think about it all...
他一定会很难过 and he's gonna hate that idea.
他就是爱哭爱跟路 He's so clingy.
小时候，如果我比麦克早睡着 When we were kids, if I fell asleep before Mike...
他就会把我叫醒，因为他空虚寂寞 he would always wake me up so he wouldn't feel alone.
- 这样挺可爱的 - 是吼 - That's kinda sweet. - Yeah.
不晓得… I don't know. I just...
你有没有过那种感觉 Do you ever get that feeling...
自己能力不及，不能圆梦 that you're not good enough to get what you really want...
所以你就连尝试都不敢？ so you're too scared to try?
一天到晚都这样啊 All the time.
是喔？一天到晚，好斓喔 - Really? - Like, all the time. It's terrifying.
- 对啊，是很烂 - 没错 - It is, it's terrifying. - Yeah.
你整个卡关 You're, like, stuck.
- 就是说啊 - 对 - Totally. - Yeah.
谢了，跟你聊这种事很棒 Thanks. It's nice talking to you about this.
你要去哪？ Hey. Where you going?
你要去主办多P见面会吗？ Is there a gang bang in the ballroom you need to emcee?
少夸张惹 Don't be such a drama king.
对啦，我反应太大了 Yeah, I'm totally overreacting.
我邀请女伴来参加婚礼 When you invite someone to a wedding...
结果她在对我的亲戚加藤鹰！ they obviously are supposed to finger diddle your family members.
这是歪国人打招呼的方式吗？ That's common courtesy!
好了，闭嘴，我又不是你女儿 Okay, hold up. I am a grown-ass woman.
老娘想指入谁就指入谁 I can finger diddle whomever I want.
你说得正义凛然不代表这件事就0K Just because you say "whomever" does not make it okay.
这跟传简讯一样是小意思 It's not a big deal. It's just like texting someone.
就跟约炮软件一样 - Oh. - It's just like Tinder.
在“妹妹”上面手指滑滑滑 Swipe right, swipe right, swipe left. Swipe left, swipe right.
这也太有画面惹 That's very graphic. That is...
旋转、放大、收缩 Rotating your photos. Expanding them, contracting them.
你是故意要让我难过吗？是这样吗？ Are you deliberately trying to hurt me? Is that what you're doing?
蛤？你想太多 What? No! I was just trying to get RiRi tickets...
我只是想弄到蕾蕾的通行证
让我的闺蜜爽一下，好吗？ to make my best friend feel better, okay?
我们在渡假啊 We're on vacay.
不是 No...
你们是受邀参加我妹的婚礼 You are invited to my sister's wedding. You're supposed to smile, nod...
你们应该到处点头微笑
我叫你做哈就做哈 and do what I want you to do.
当初说好的是这样 That's the deal.
我还以为我们看对眼了 I thought that we had a connection.
天雷勾动地火 Like a spark.
你以为把我带到这裹来就能上我吗？ You thought you were gonna bring me here so that you could have sex with me.
对，不是啦，哈？好啦 对啦 Yes. No! What? Yeah, right.
是吗？ Really?
对啊，废话 Yes, obviously.
你又辣，又有一股自然的香味 You are so hot. And you smell good.
我想跟你打炮很正常啊 It's not a weird thing that I wanna have sex with you...
因为你很性感到不行 because you are very sexy...
你勾引我，我们又在夏威夷 and you were leading me on, and we are in Hawaii...
这是个到处都有艳遇的地方 which is a sexy place, and people have sex here.
拜托咧，你醒醒好吗？ God, dude, you built this all up in your head.
我跟爱莉丝只是在电视上看到你们 Alice and I just saw you on TV...
- 就想来夏威夷 - 等等 - wanted to go to Hawaii. - Hold up.
操 Fuck.
你们在电视上看到我们？ You saw us on TV?
不是，我才不看什么新闻龙卷风 No, I don't even watch Wendy Williams.
- (GASPING) - (GROWLING)
虾毁？ What?
虾毁？ - What? - Shh!
我还以为你喜欢我 I thought you dug me.
你真的是老师吗？ Are you even a teacher?
不是 No.
那小胡立欧呢？ What about little Julio...
你教的那个有阅读困难症的男生？ the dyslexic boy who you taught how to read?
全部都是瞎办的 Made it up. All of it.
但我确实跟一个叫胡立欧的人搞过 Although I did have sex with this guy name Julio once...
我也很确定他不识字 and I'm pretty sure he couldn't read.
我还以为你是问题少年的爱心老师 Here I thought you were Michelle Pfeiffer from Dangerous Minds.
结果你根本结衣老师2 . 0 Turns out, you're Michelle Pfeiffer from Scarface.
还是不脱衣服的那种结衣老师 And you didn't even
(IMITATES TONY MONTANA) say hello to my little friend.
(SCOFFS)
别这样嘛 Oh, come on, man.
麦克 Mike.
(SIGHS)
真的很抱歉 I'm really sorry. Um...
我跟个肖婆一样 I've been acting crazy.
这可能是我前任路克造成的 It's probably about Luke, my ex.
对吼，那个坠机死掉… Oh, yeah. The guy who died in the plane crash...
得癌症死掉、又得爱滋死掉的… with cancer, and AIDS, and stuff.
对，就是那位 Yeah, that's the one.
只不过那些事都没发生，因为… Except none of that stuff happened, 'cause, um...
我是骗人的 I lied.
你骗人？ You lied?
我办不到 I can't do this.
等等 Wait.
- 没关系… - 各位，抱歉 Sorry. - That's okay. That's okay. - Sorry everyone.
我忘了手机，我可以拿手机吗？ I just forgot my phone. Can I grab my phone?
抱歉，我还是不想结婚 Sorry, I still don't want to get married.
(GUESTS BOOING)
欧买尬 - (CRYING) - DAVE: Oh, my gosh.
这几乎跟坠机的事一样惨 That's almost as bad as the plane crash story.
你怎么不直说？ Why didn't you just tell me?
我不要你以为我是NG商品 I didn't want you to think I was damaged goods.
我永远不会这么想 I would never think that.
“人总要学着自己长大” "Love hurts.
“也曾伤心流泪、也曾黯然心碎” "Love scars.
“这是爱的代价” "Love wounds, and mars."
这是我妈在听的歌 That's from a really old song, for old people.
你为什么这么好？ Why are you so nice?
(SNIFFLES)
因为我觉得你很好啊 'Cause I think you're nice.
戴夫 MIKE: David!
戴夫，快点跟我过来 David, I need you here with me now. Come on.
不要… No. No.
史丹格家，紧急动员令！ Stangles, assemble. Now!
- 走吧 - 他没事吧？ - Let's go. - Is he okay?
我想他没事，大概脑洞又破了 Yeah, I think he's fine.
He's just got a lot on his mind.
快点动作 Let's go!
好，来了啦，吼 Okay, I'm coming, dude. Jeez.
(GRUNTS)
Oh... I...
我一个人下不去…好吧 You gave me a boost up. Okay.
戴夫，这是亲情与爱情的界线 A line has been drawn, David.
在沙滩上清清楚楚 A clear line in the sand.
你把我拖到这裹来 Is that why you brought me all the way down here...
就是为了在沙滩上画线吗？ so you could literally draw a line in the sand?
戴夫，我是用图像思考的人 I'm a visual thinker, David.
- 该死 - 混蛋… - God damn it! - Son of a...
这两个妹得离闲 These girls, they've gotta go.
他们假装尬意我们 They pretended to dig us just to get a free trip to Hawaii.
好来夏威夷骗吃骗喝
他们是骗子 They're liars!
那又怎样？他们是骗人 So what, man? So they lied.
我刚刚跟爱莉丝聊过 I was talking to Alice.
你不晓得她有多惨 You have no idea what this girl's been through.
她得散心，我们救了她一命 She needed this trip. We might have saved her life.
我们来练习今晚的致词吧 We should be practicing our speech for tonight.
我可不要照顾这对槟榔姊妹花 Not babysitting the twins from The Shining.
(CHUCKLES)
欧买尬 Oh, my God.
你笑个屁啊 Why are you laughing at me?
你的口气跟爸妈说到我们一样 You sound like mom and dad when they're talking about us.
你他妈给我闭嘴 Well, no, fuck that noise.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
听着！这真的太超过了 Guess what! You're gonna love this.
塔蒂亚娜替泰莉打手枪 Tatiana was jerking off our cousin Terry.
虾毁？ - What? - Mmm-hmm.
泰莉表妹有鸡鸡？ Cousin Terry has a dick?
不是男人打手枪啦 No, not "jerking off" jerking off.
就是帮她枢枢眸 The female version of jerking.
先别激动 Dude, let's just chill out...
想想珍妮，不要那么鸡歪 focus on Jeanie, and try not to be assholes...
撑过这个周末就好，可以吗？ for the rest of the weekend, okay? Can we do that?
戴夫，办不到 I can't do that, David.
因为我看到我们的小妹… Because I saw our little sister...
怎么了？ What?
姑且说她在做这个表情吧… Well, let's just say she was making this face...
(IMITATES JEANIE MOANING)
干嘛？她见鬼了吗？ What? She saw a ghost?
(MOANS LOUDLY)
她超想尿尿？ She really had to pee?
(MOANS RAPIDLY)
在做发声练习？ Doing vocal warmups?
你在干嘛啦？一副快高潮的模样 What are you doing? It looks like you're having an orgasm.
戴夫，是她，她跟按摩师啦 She was, David! With the masseuse.
- 虾毁？ - 对！ - What! - Yes!
欧买尬 Oh, my God!
她像AV女优猛叫春一靠！ - She orgasms like a star. - No!
再来咧？ What's next?
是不是妈要帮爸北斗爆肛拳了？ I'm gonna walk in on mom giving dad a Push Pop?
北斗爆肛拳是哈？ What's a Push Pop?
戴夫，这是我临时瞎办的玩法 I made it up, Dave. It's a sexual term that I just made up.
- 北斗爆肛拳是哈？ - 我不知道 - What's a Push Pop? - I don't know.
- 北斗爆肛拳是蛤啦！ - 我不知道 - What's a Push Pop? - I don't know!
北斗爆肛拳是哈？ What's a Push Pop?
我再怎么说也是个A片监赏大师 I've been to the bowels of the Internet, and I've never seen a Push Pop.
但我听都没听过北斗爆肛拳
妈的，告诉我什么是北斗爆肛拳喔 God, just tell me! What's a Push Pop?
就是整只手捅进屁眼啦 It's a whole hand up an ass, David.
你非要我说出来吗？ Is that what you want me to say?
- 靠北 - 双手爆肛 - Oh, God! - Two hands pushin' the pop.
- 靠北 - 你要我说出来吗？ - Oh, God. - Is that what you want me to say?
我寄连结给你 I'll send you some links.
“珍妮与艾瑞克喜酒彩排”
(HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
- 我们是二号桌 - 我去酒吧 - We're at table two. - I'll be at the bar.
- 我说二号桌 - 我去酒吧！ - I said table two. - I'll be at the bar!
你在失控什么啦！ You're out of control!
谢谢你喔 Thank you.
在天堂碰到麻烦了？ Trouble in paradise?
(EXHALES FORCEFULLY)
马的，我才不在乎场面难不难看 Freaking I don't care if I cause a scene.
小心我海扁你，鸡掰人 Freaking I will punch you 17,000 times in the face. Freaking.
试试看啊 Take a shot.
你知道你长得像nono加纳豆吗？ You look like Don Johnson fucked Zack Morris.
等塔蒂亚娜听完我的超屎致词 Wait till Tatiana hears your shitty speech after my crazy dope one.
再听你的烂东西就知道了
她绝对不会再碰你的奈米屎 She's never gonna touch your baby bird again.
泰莉杰克森闪人 Thriller-Terry out!
(GRUNTING)
好惨 So sad!
买尬，这是被摄影机追着跑的电影 DAVE: Oh, my God. It's a movie about cameras
just following you everywhere.
就像“楚门的世界” - Like The Truman Show. - Yeah! Exactly like The Truman Show!
对啊，整个就是翻版
戴夫！ Hey, Dave! Dave!
安怎？ Hey, what's up?
过来后台练致词 I need you to come backstage right now and practice the speech.
Uh...
我正在跟爱莉丝讲话 Dude, I'm kind of talking to Alice right now.
你已经打断两次了 Which is a conversation you've now interrupted twice.
我们的致词要杀出血路 Our speech needs to kill.
泰莉有陈汉典助阵 Terry got a punch up from Chris Rock.
我之前没有跟你说 I didn't want to tell you before because I didn't want you to freak out.
因为我不希望你吓到挫屎
我没挫屎啊 I'm not freaking out.
戴夫，冷静点 Calm the fuck down, Dave!
你他妈的不要激动 You calm the fuck down!
麦克，你的脸快胀破了 Mike, you look like your face is gonna pop.
你到底来不来？ You gonna come or what?
走吧 Let's go.
我跟你在后台见 I'll see you backstage.
(CHUCKLES)
Uh...
- 我去搞定一下 - 好 - I'm gonna go deal with this real quick. - Okay.
我先自言自语一下，孤单一人 I'll just talk to myself for a while. All alone.
什么蠢表情嘛 ALICE ON PHONE: ...look on your stupid face!
我怎么变这样？ What's wrong with me?
别看她，转过去，通通给我滚 TATIANA: Don't fucking look at her. Turn around.
Everybody get the fuck out of here.
路克，草泥马咧 Fuck you, Luke.
我得去躺一下，好吗？ I'm just gonna have a little lie down, okay?
(ALICE SOBBING ON PHONE)
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
嗨 Hi!
嗨一嗨 - Hi! - Hi!
你也得喘口气吗？ Did you need to take a little breather, too?
没有，怎么了？你是吗？ No. Why? Are you?
(CLICKS TONGUE) Well...
这个嘛…
你以为你每一刻都会感受到 You know, you think that every moment is going to feel...
温暖、光辉 warm and glowy...
跟奇蹟的时刻 and absolutely magical.
结果却发生一些事情 But, then, some stuff happens.
- 当然罗 - 对啊 - Sure does. - Yeah.
(BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY)
如果你想要温暖、光辉跟奇蹟 Well, if you want warm, glowy and magical...
找我就对了 I have just the thing.
出门必备 I don't leave home without it.
(GASPS)
摇头丸 - Ecstasy. - Oh!
每个新娘在结婚前夕都应该嗨一下 Every bride deserves to have a little fun the night before her wedding!
我是该嗨森一下 Yeah. I deserve to have a little fun.
你对我好好喔 You are so nice to me.
Aww.
我保证好玩到逆天 This is gonna be so much fun!
(CHUCKLES)
我们应该找东西含住 We should find something to suck on.
蛤？ What? Oh.
麦克 - (GRUNTS) - Mike! Here. Put these on.
来，戴起来
- 我们要动用到耳机吗？ - 对啊 - We need headsets? - Yeah!
我们要跳着致词不是吗？ There's a lot of dancing in our speech, my man. Right?
手要空出来才行 Gotta go hands free.
宝贝，这样就对了 This is how we do it, baby.
来吧，你看 Come on. Hey, check this out.
我要学“婚礼终结者”干掉泰莉表妹 I'm going to "wedding crash" cousin Terry.
蛤？ What?
在她的酒裹面掺几滴眼药水 Put a few eye drops in her drink.
这样她就会整晚挫屎，不能致词了 That way she shits all night, and can't do the speech.
就像“婚礼终结者”一样 Just like in the movie Wedding Crashers.
麦克，这主意斓透惹 Mike, that is a terrible idea.
你不是看过吗 - You've seen the movie! - Of course I've seen the movie.
废话，我当然看过
- 你很爱啊 - 有人不爱吗？ - You love that movie. - Everyone loves that movie.
你爱的话哪能说是斓主意？ How's it a bad idea if you love the movie?
我也爱“即刻救援J I love Taken. I don't want to go steal little girls.
但不会想诱拐别人女儿啊
我们不能在婚礼上终结自己的表妹 But we shouldn't wedding crash our own cousin.
我很担心你 I'm worried about you, man.
我很担心你要起肖了 I'm really worried that you're losing your mind.
你的眼神好可怕 The look in your eyes right now...
我们讲到现在你都没眨眼睛 You haven't blinked since we've started talking.
戴夫… Oh, Davie, Davie, Davie!
干嘛？ What?
我这辈子从来没这么镇静过 I've never been in more control in my entire life.
- (LAUGHS) - Mike!
麦克
- Whoo! - Ugh. Mike!
麦克
这药好猛喔 This is really intense.
对啊，整个冲脑惹 (ECHOING) Yeah, it's hitting me really hard.
这是高级摇头丸 This is good ecstasy.
阿灾，人家第一次捏 I don't know. I wouldn't know. It's my first time.
- 等等，虾毁？ - 干嘛？ - Wait, what? - What?
你干嘛在婚礼前夕第一次用摇头丸 Why would you take ecstasy for the first time on the night before your wedding?
蛤？ What?
太狂了 That is so baller!
就像金发小太妹一样 Like a tiny blonde gangsta!
小太妹要喝姜汁汽水！ This little gangsta would kill for a motherfucking ginger ale!
(LAUGHS)
- 你想去吗？ - 嗯哼 - Do you wanna go? - Mmm-hmm.
好，我们走吧 Okay, let's go.
哈罗，请各位就座 Hello, everyone. Please take your seats.
欢迎各位来参加 Welcome to the rehearsal dinner...
我兄弟艾瑞克 - for my man, Eric... - (APPLAUSE)
跟他准新娘珍妮的喜酒彩排 and his bride-to-be, the lovely Jeanie.
他们是我看过最可爱最棒棒的一对 They're two of the sweetest, best people I ever met.
好，今晚第一个致词的 All right. Our first speaker tonight...
是本地坏女孩 is resident nasty girl...
泰莉表妹 Cousin Terry.
(GUESTS CHEERING)
我们不能让泰莉抢走风头 We can't let Terry crush.
太不公平了！ It's not fair!
不要，给我 No. Give it to me.
我的眼睛好干，快给我 My eyes are dry. Just give it to me.
大家知道陈汉典是谁吗？ Do you guys know who Chris Rock is?
我邻居，他帮了我一个小忙 He's my neighbor, and he helped me out with a little something I like to call...
搞定我的致词 "My speech."
停，你在浪费毒药 Stop. You're wasting it. You're wasting the poison.
麦克，眼药水超安全好吗 Mike, this is baby safe.
他们几百年前 They removed the active ingredient, Tetrahydrozoline, like 20 years ago!
就把不合格的活性成分拿掉了
可是在“婚礼终结者”就有效啊！ It worked on Wedding Crashers!
电影都是瞎办的 That was not real life!
来谈海外婚礼吧 Now let's talk about destination weddings!
虽然有海外两个字 It's like a vacation...
但你完全不能渡假 without the relaxation!
(ALL LAUGHING)
这是真的 That's true.
戴夫，你为什么都不挺我？ Why aren't you on my side, Dave?
蛤？ What?
我受够这狗屎了 I'm done with this shit, man. I'm not doing our stupid speech.
我才不要做哈蠢致词
事实上，我也不打算跟你卖酒了 In fact, I'm quitting our liquor business.
就酱 There it is!
- 真假？ - 对啊 - Really? - Yeah.
那你要做哈？ And what are you gonna do?
我要画画！ I'm gonna draw!
我要弄我的绘本 I'm gonna work on my graphic novel, and Mom's gonna help me cover the rent.
妈会帮我付房租
爽！ Boom!
你背叛我！ You traitor!
喜酒彩排是三小？ TERRY: I ain't gotta rehearse!
不就是坐下来吃吃饭而已吗 I know how to eat dinner.
(ALL LAUGHING)
基斯，把我的麦开大声一点好吗？ Keith, can you turn me up a little bit?
你背叛我 MIKE ON SPEAKERS: You turn your back on me when everyone else does.
所有人都背叛我
在背后捅我、靠不住 Backstabbing, treacherous lying coward!
一群说谎的废人
他们应该不知道麦克风打开了 Ooh, I don't think they know they're on.
搞什么？他们在哪裹？ What? Where is that coming from?
我不知道我动到什么了 I don't know what I did!
随便你，麦克 DAVE: It doesn't matter, Mike.
你已经起肖了 You're losing your mind.
刚刚还想对泰莉表妹下毒！ You just tried to poison our cousin Terry!
(ALL GASP)
加把劲，好吗？ Try a little harder. Am I right?
他妈的没错 You're goddamn right I did.
我就是想让她在台上剉青赛 Because I wanted her to shit hot brown poop all over that stage.
这真的太过份了 That is unacceptable.
麦克风没关，死小鬼 The mics are on, boys.
我要她的屁股像香瓜一样炸开来 I wanted her butt to explode like a rotten cantaloupe.
麦克风打开了啦！ The mics are on!
你只是在气塔蒂亚娜帮她指交而已 You're just fucking pissed off because Tatiana finger diddled Terry.
- (GASPS) - There it is!
这倒是真的
那是为了拿蕾哈娜的票 It was for tickets to Rihanna.
你有够可悲der You're sad, man. You are sad.
我要像小时候一样把你打爆 I'm gonna kick your ass just like when we were kids.
- (YELLS) - (GRUNTS)
- ALL: Oh! - My God!
买尬
- 你想拚输赢吗？ - 别这样 - Do you wanna go? - Don't do it!
准备吃我铁拳吧 These are coming your way.
住手 Just stop!
(GROANS)
天哪，一定很痛 God! That had to hurt.
不要再来了 - Don't do it again. - (YELLS)
ALL: Oh!
(DAVE GRUNTING)
(MIKE GROANING)
你干嘛一直揍我啊 MIKE: Why do you keep punching me?
你干嘛朝我这边猛冲咧？ DAVE: Why do you keep rushing at me?
戴夫，乎伊死 Get him, Dave.
讨厌啦，这是谁说的？ Oops, who said that?
这场婚礼完蛋了 This wedding is going to hell!
对 Yes.
MIKE: They're out there, smiling like fucking idiots.
客人都笑得跟北七一样
结果他们的新娘… And they don't realize the bride...
在水疗室叫春 is getting off at massage parlors...
叫春声他妈响彻云霄 like a goddamn Vietnam War veteran.
(ALL GASP)
我觉得他们误会情况了… I think they misunderstood what happened. I think they just misunderstood.
我撞见小珍妮 MIKE: I walked in and saw little Jeanie...
准新娘在叫春 the bride-to-be, orgasming.
按摩师把她弄得高潮迭起 The masseuse got her off.
该死 God damn it!
珍妮 Jeanie!
我讨厌你 I hate you!
(ALL GASP)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
喜酒排演到此为止 KEITH: The rehearsal dinner is over.
请大家到泳池旁喝酒 Drinks by the pool, everybody. Drinks by the pool.
(ALICE WHOOPING)
(JEANIE LAUGHING)
一切感觉都很棒吧？ Everything feels so good, right?
对啊 Yep.
最近一直在想一件事 You know what I've been thinking about a lot?
告诉我 Tell me.
艾瑞克又窝心又细腻 Eric is so sweet and sensitive.
他是善良的好未婚夫 Kind, good, fianc茅.
或许也是当好老公的料 可是… Probably great husband and stuff, but...
你会不会觉得他有点无趣？ Do you think Eric is boring?
无趣？ Boring?
Like for my honeymoon...
比如说蜜月…
人家想要坐上热气球 all I wanted to do was go on a hot air balloon...
环游世界 to different countries around the world.
被柳条包围 And just be surrounded by wicker.
我们可以用柳条野餐篮 We could have wicker picnic baskets...
and I could make picnic hats out of wicker.
我可以编柳条野餐帽
我们可以穿情侣鞋 We would be wearing matching Chuck Taylors.
却被他通通否决 - And he vetoed it. - Oh!
因为他想去渡假村… Because he wants to go to a resort, and just...
- 坐吃等死 - 哈？ - ...perch. - What?
我是年轻美眉 I am a young woman...
- 没错！ - 我要见识的还很多 - Preach! - There is so much for me to see.
- 对啊 - 我还没参加过火人祭 - Yes. - I haven't even been to Burning Man.
我根本不知道阿姆斯特丹长哈样 I don't even know what Amsterdam is like.
我还没去过西雅图 I haven't been to Seattle.
你没去过西雅图喔？ You've never been to Seattle?
没有啊 No!
- 西雅图会他妈改变你的一生 - 是喔？ - Seattle's gonna change your fucking life! - Really?
你得逃离这个牢笼 You need to get out of this cage!
我是被关在牢笼 I am in a cage...
就跟这些马被关一样 just like these horses are caged.
放马出来吧 Just let them out.
Huh?
通通放走 Let them all out.
投奔自由吧，没人能束缚你 Be free! No one can hold you down!
投奔自由吧，朋友，追求梦想去 Be free, my friends! Follow your dreams!
你要在我伤口撒盐吗？ Here to pile on?
来啊 Go ahead.
你想得到的酸话 Any insult you can think of...
我可能都跟自己说一百万遍了 I've probably told myself a million times.
你为什么要对你表妹下毒？ Why were you trying to poison your cousin?
I was jealous of the whole steam room incident.
蒸气室的事让我太抹爽了
这有点狂，好像我会做的事 That is some crazy shit. That's like something I would do.
有一次在高中 This one time in high school...
有个贱货对我男友放电 this bitch tried to hit on my boyfriend...
我趁她睡觉时把她的马尾喀擦掉 and I cut off her ponytail while she was sleeping...
然后绑去上学一个月 and I wore it to school for a month.
太扯了 What the fuck?
But you tried to poison your cousin.
你还想对你表妹下毒咧
对不起，我对你太坏了 Look. I'm sorry I've been so rough on you, okay?
可能是因为你太像我了 I honestly think it's because you're so much like me.
你一副信心满满 You act all confident...
可是内心却什么都害怕 but, inside, you're scared of everything.
你一副不在乎别人的想法 You act like you don't care what people think...
其实在乎得要死 but you really care what people think.
你想装聪明 And you try to act so smart...
可是有时候 but sometimes...
你怕自己是世界第一蠢 you're just afraid you're the dumbest person in the world.
我有够蠢的 I'm so dumb.
我不断说我不懂的字 I'm constantly saying words that I don't know the meaning of.
比方我会说“平息” Like, I use this word, "assuage"...
挂在嘴边 all the time.
你可以平息我番茄酱吗？ Can you assuage me the ketchup?
我可以平息你几个问题吗？ Can I assuage you a few questions?
- 这个意思对吗？ - 鬼知道啊 - Is that the meaning of it? - I don't know.
我也很笨啊 But it's like, I'm so stupid...
可是我装得超有自信 but I act all confident, so people listen to me.
大家才会听我说话
我超瞎的 And it's fucked up.
我也是，我是天生的领头羊 Me, too. I'm a natural born leader.
就像华盛顿一样 Like George Washington.
对啊 Yeah.
或是哪个革命先烈之类的 Or another leader.
好，告诉你 All right, here's one.
我要跟你坦白说喔 But I'm about to get super real with you. Okay?
我以为我注定要做大事 I thought I was destined for such great things...
可是我可能会永远一事无成 but I may never achieve anything.
姊妹啊 Sister.
你有偷看我的日记吗？ Have you been reading my diary?
有喔 Yes.
好 Okay.
你好美哟 ALICE: You are beautiful!
前进西雅图！ JEANIE: On to Seattle!
爱莉丝？ Alice?
我在发光吗？ Am I glowing?
我看得到声音，听得到颜色 I can see sounds and hear colors.
- (MIMICS HORSE SNORTING) - Be free!
奔向自由吧！
马怎么会跑出来？ What the fuck are the horses doing out?
你们是谁啊？ Who the fuck are you guys?
他妈的肖婆 Fucking gypsies!
赤兔马，跑吧 Francisco! Francisco, run!
靠！ Whoa! Shit!
嘿 Hey.
戴夫，嗨 Dave! Hi.
你怎么了？ What's up? What's up with you?
- 发生哈事了？你还好吗？ - 我？ - What's going on? Are you okay? - Me?
我很好啊 Yeah. I'm fine.
Oh. Yeah. Well...
对吼…
事情是这样滴 Yeah. See, what happened was that...
海啸把我们的衣服卷走了 there was a tsunami, and it took away our clothes...
然后卷了一堆种马来 but it brought these horses.
蛤？ What?
然后我们决定学戈戴娃夫人脱光光 And then, we wanted to get naked because of Lady Godiva...
可是马不能吃巧克力 but then horses can't eat chocolate.
它们可能会得动脉瘤 They could have an aneurysm.
珍妮咧？ Where's Jeanie?
不要因为她叫我去西雅图 Hey, don't yell at her just because she's the one...
你就骂她一哇靠 - that told me to go to Seattle. - Holy shit!
- 我本来就想去 - 买尬 - I've always wanted to go! - Oh, my God!
这不是她的错 That is not her fault.
- 我的眼睛！ - 怎么了？ - Oh, my eyes! - What's the matter?
别叫了，你干嘛鬼吼鬼叫？ Stop yelling. Why are you yelling? David, stop yelling.
戴夫，不要再叫了
你有够吵der，现在是快乐时光捏 You're being loud. And this a happy time.
人家潮快乐der This a really good time.
快乐的不得了，所以错在谁？ There's nothing wrong. So who's at fault?
你知道希特勒的爸妈是近亲吗？ Did you know that Hitler's parents were second cousins?
- 你有水吗？ - 快把衣服穿上 - Do you have any water? - Put your clothes on!
戴夫，我是女人，接受吧 I'm a woman, Dave. Deal with it.
(GROANS)
因为你就是从这堆毛蹦出来的 Because this is the bush that you came out of.
我哪有从那堆毛出来 I didn't come from that bush.
是妈的毛才对，你很清楚 I came from Mom's bush. And you know that.
珍妮，不会吧 Jeanie! Oh, my God!
你全身光溜溜 You're completely naked!
- 贝琪 - 阿娘喂，百慕达三角洲 - Hi, Becky! - God, your bush is huge.
- 你看起来好高喔 - 小姐，没有 - You look tall. - No, ma'am.
我早叫你不要靠近那两个臭婊 I told you to stay away from these bitches.
爱莉丝，说实话，你是嗑嗨了吗？ Alice, seriously, are you tripping?
尬的，没有啊 No. God, no.
你那是什么话？ Why would say that? Just because everything feels really soft?
因为一切感觉软绵绵吗？
拜托，跟我说实话 Please. Just tell me the truth.
你有没有嗑药？ Are you on drugs?
- 我们超ㄎ一ㄤ - 尢的，对 We're super fucked up. Yeah.
靠 What?
我们从摇头丸嗑起 We started with ecstasy, but then I went into my mystery bags.
然后我翻起我的神秘小包
你干嘛这样啊？ Why the fuck would you do that?
戴夫，鼓励代替责骂 Don't you judge me, David.
你们在婚礼前夕 I don't think you're supposed to go into the mystery bag...
翻什么神秘小包啊 the night before the wedding.
我们带你们过来 We brought you here because we thought you were nice girls.
因为我们以为你们是乖乖女
可是你们被麦克说中了 But Mike was right about you two.
这下婚礼告吹了 This whole wedding weekend is just going to shit!
戴夫，我跟你说真的 Dave, I'll be honest with you.
我得穿衣服 I need some clothes.
我不能一直穿这只马 I can't continue to wear this horse.
欧买尬 Oh, my God.
风吹得我好舒服喔 Oh, the wind feels so nice.
来吧… Come on, come on, come on.
我们应该下海 (GASPS) We should go in the ocean.
我好渴喔，戴夫，我们应该下海 I'm so thirsty! Dave, we should get in the ocean.
拜托…别吵 (SHUSHING) Please, please, please, just be quiet.
我超爱这首歌der I love this song.
没有在放歌啦 There's no music playing.
宝贝，等等 JEANIE: Baby, wait.
别担心，我们只有用屁屁啪啪而已 Don't worry. Only our butts touched.
好了，不要再崩溃了，亲爱的 Stop it. Don't freak out anymore, Pumpkin!
不要崩溃？ Don't freak out? Don't freak out?
告诉我一件事 Tell me one thing.
你爽不爽？ Did you enjoy it?
不爽 No.
说的跟真的一样 That is such a "yes" no.
没有 No.
我再问你一遍，你是爽还不爽？ I'm gonna ask you again. Did you enjoy it?
爽啦！ Yes! Oh.
好… Well...
这下事情蹦坑了吧？ Cat's out of the frigging bag, isn't it?
我本来是去做正常按摩 JEANIE: I went for a normal massage...
结果爱莉丝要求加码 but Alice, she had asked for a little special treat.
结果就是高潮迭起延绵不绝… And then it just kept coming, and coming, and coming, and...
你哥带什么货色来参加婚礼啊 Who are these fucking girls your brothers brought to this wedding?
你还给我去嗑药 You are clearly on drugs.
我们明天就要结婚了耶 And we're getting married tomorrow!
宝贝，我好怕 I'm scared, Pumpkin.
你不害怕吗？ Aren't you scared?
我现在吓死了 Well, yeah, now I am.
就… JEANIE: It's just that...
我有点担心，你很… I'm just a little worried that you are...
无趣 boring.
你在说哈？ What are you saying?
你不想跟我结婚吗？ You don't want to marry me?
(CRYING)
(BOTH GASP)
这… Well...
她不是那个意思啦 No, she doesn't mean that. She's just confused...
她只是脑袋不清楚
因为她现在嗑超挂的 because she's just rolling super hard right now.
是你害她嗑药！ You rolled her!
- 人是你杀的 - 对不起 - You're the roller! - I'm so sorry.
我本来要画兰姆送你的 I was gonna draw Rum for you. But not anymore.
现在别肖想了
事情太离谱了啦 (IN JAMAICAN ACCENT) Everything is not irie, man!
你让我太难过了 You've made me so, so sad.
还有点火大 But a little bit mad.
可是主要是难过 But mostly just sad.
Oh!
- 爸 - 不用了 - Dad! - Don't!
麦克，就这一次就好 Mike, for once in your life...
一句话都不要给我说 please don't say a fucking word.
我当初怎么不把他们射在墙上 I hate them sometimes.
白疼这两个死屁孩了 Fucking love them and they're dicks.
我对他们又爱又恨 Sometimes I love them, sometimes I hate them.
没事吧？ Everything okay over there?
我找不到另一只袜子，超抹爽 I can't find my other sock. It's pissing me off.
弟，你有拿我的袜子吗？ Did you take my sock, bro?
没 No.
我认为你ㄎ─ㄤ了我的袜子 I think you took my fucking sock, bro.
不要靠北啦 God damn it.
珍妮跟艾瑞克居然悔婚了 I can't believe Jeanie and Eric aren't getting married...
都是我们的错 and it's all our fault.
咪咪是我们的错啦 It's slightly our fault.
完全是我们的错，操 It's totally our fault. Fuck.
我们太自私太不专心了 We got selfish. We got distracted.
你还记得“＃为了珍妮J吗？ I don't think we were #DoingltForJeanie at all.
我们有为了珍妮吗？ We weren't #DoingltForJeanie.
我们的小妹，我们家的臭珍妮 Our fucking little sister. Our little Jeanie Beanie Weanie.
史丹格家小公主 She is Stanglita.
以前我们还一起混 The one little girl we used to let into our Stang Hangs.
还让她加入史丹格蛋蛋堂 The Stangle Dangle.
史丹格家最小的鸡鸡 The smallest plane in the Stangar.
不要哭出来 Don't do it, dude.
我们应该要守护她的 We're supposed to be her protector.
你不准哭喔 Don't you cry.
我们应该要照雇页她的 We're supposed to look out for her.
给我停 Stop it.
我们应该是她最坚强的后盾 We're supposed to be the two dudes that have her back no matter what.
要是你哭了，我就会跟进 If you start, I'm gonna start.
可是我们拆散了她的婚姻 We broke up her marriage.
我不哭就见鬼了 Of course I'm fucking doing it, man. We ruined Jeanie's wedding.
我们把珍妮的婚礼毁了
我也要哭罗 I'm doing it, too.
讨厌鬼 - (BOTH CRYING) - I hate it.
(BAWLING)
天哪，我们把这场婚礼毁了 Oh, man, we fucked up this wedding.
对啊 Yeah.
操他老二的咧 We fucked it in the dick.
(GROANS)
你知道我不喜欢你这样说… You know I don't like it when you say that. That's just...
我灾，我只是想表达我的愤怒，干 I know, but we fucked it so hard. Fuck.
我觉得我们会这么阿杂 I think the reason we get ourselves into so much shit is...
是因为我们自我感觉太好了 we're always telling each other we're so awesome...
其实我们一点都不屎 when we're definitely not being awesome.
好有哲理喔 That's deep.
对啊，你知道吗？ Yeah, you know what? Um...
我希望你开心起来 I wanted you to feel better...
脱离苦海 and get your groove back...
可是也不要你开心到… but not all the way better to where...
我变成多余的了 you wouldn't need me anymore.
因为如果我对你是多余的 Because if you don't need me...
那就没人需要我了… then nobody needs me, and, um...
总之，我的手指深入泰莉的时候 Anyway, that's what I was thinking when I was knuckles deep into Cousin Terry.
就是在想这档事
查某，我们永远都会需要对方 Dude, we're always gonna need each other.
好 Okay.
好，重点来了 Okay, here's the thing. I don't wanna stop being us.
我们要继续做自己好自在
可是我觉得偶尔咧… But I think occasionally...
我们应该顾虑自己给别人的感受 we should think about how we make other people feel.
比方说珍妮吗？ Like Jeanie?
对啊，比方说珍妮 Yeah, like Jeanie.
或是艾瑞克 - Oof. - Or like Eric.
哇靠 Oh, fuck.
这种感觉斓透惹 This feels fucking terrible.
感觉好糟喔 This does not feel good.
戴夫是个特别的人 Like, Dave's so special and...
但他现在一定很气我 He must be so mad at me.
可怜的麦克 Poor Mike.
他没那么特别 He's less special, but I played him so hard.
但我是玩他玩得有点超过了
他们一定对我们超抹爽 They must be so mad at us!
他们一定恨死我们了，干 They must hate us. Fuck! I would hate us.
连我都会恨死我们
我会他妈的恨死我们 I would fucking hate us!
我恨死我们了 I hate us, man. I hate us!
我也恨死我们了 I hate us, too!
可是你最屎了，弟，我爱你 But you're the best, dude. I love you.
不要被我拖下水 Don't lump yourself in with me.
我就像魔戒裹的食人妖 I'm like a little troll...
只能躲在我阴暗的小角落 who lives on nothing but river water and squirrel meats.
我永远不可能像你一样会画画 Your drawing? I could never do anything like that.
- 所以我决定把手放开 - 哈？ - So go. You go right now. - What?
走啊！ Go!
别让你的鲁蛇哥哥拖累你 Don't let your loser older brother hold you back.
你才不是鲁蛇 You are not a loser.
真是谢谢你喔 Thanks, Dave.
是你带我认识忍者龟的耶 Dude, you introduced me to the Ninja Turtles.
让我知道多纳太罗是小孬孬 Taught me Donatello was a pussy.
拉斐尔其实很屎 That Raphael was actually dope...
因为他才不鸟别人的想法咧 because he didn't give a fuck what people thought.
又酷又有态度 He's cool, but rude.
太中肯了 Exactly.
那些小屁孩欺负我，叫我湿湿的时候 When all those kids kicked at me and they called me "Moist"...
你在学校拒吃马芬一年 you stopped eating muffins at the school lunch for a year.
它们太湿啦 They were too moist.
会害你被霸凌到死 Made you an easy target.
你是我哥，我爱你 You're my brother. And I love you.
我们是背着龟壳的英雄 Heroes in a half shell.
忍者龟力量 Turtle power.
(YELLS)
我们打死不退 We're not going anywhere...
直到把我们家的小妹臭珍妮 until our little sister, Jeanie Beanie Weanie...
嫁出去为止 is getting married.
(YELLS)
(GASPS)
你干嘛砸电视啊 You just killed the TV.
我是故意的啦 I was aiming for it.
我们简直够白目够瞎的 MIKE: We are such idiots. We are so stupid.
我们毁灭你的婚礼 We ruined your whole wedding...
但我们现在诚心悔改 and we finally just realized that.
好，不要再说了 All right. Please just stop talking, okay?
一个字都不要讲，我的头要炸了 Not another word. My head hurts so bad.
珍妮、艾瑞克 Jeanie, Eric.
我们不能因为自己搞砸 We can't let you not get married just because we fucked everything up.
害你们结不了婚
珍妮，我们超爱你der DAVE: We love you so much, Jeanie.
艾瑞克，我们爱你 We love you, Eric. We just want you guys to love each other.
我们只希望你们能相亲相爱
就好好爱对方一就酱 - Just love each other. - That's it.
- (DOOR OPENS) - (GASPS)
珍妮、艾瑞克 Jeanie, Eric.
我们不能害你们结不了婚 We can't let you not get married.
对啊，就因为我们自己搞砸了？ ALICE: Yeah. Just because we fucked everything up?
我们希望你们相亲相爱 I mean, we want you guys to love each other.
好好爱对方 Love each other.
好，怪怪的，因为我们刚刚… Okay. This is bizarre, because we literally did that...
说了一模一样的话 BOTH: ...exact same thing.
连手势都一样 We're even doing this hand motion.
对啊，你们抄袭喔 Yeah, all that was ours.
重点是，这件鸟事都是我们的错 The point is, this shit is all our fault.
不是，是我们的错 No, it's our fault.
没有，绝对是我们的错 No, it's definitely our fault.
这肯定是我们的错 It is our fault for sure.
没有…说真的啦 No, no, no. For real.
再怎样都是我的错 If anything, it's my fault.
(ALL ARGUING)
拜托不要说了 Shh! Please stop.
通通给我闭嘴 Everyone shut the fuck up!
妈祖婆你个担担面 Jesus Hussein Christ.
妈的 God damn it!
我只想好好看完一则新闻 Been trying to read this same paragraph...
都他妈20分钟了 for 20 minutes.
你们四个鸡八毛脑残 But you four fucking morons keep on fucking with my shit.
他妈一直烦我害我看不完
我们才来3分钟 We've only been here for three minutes...
所以其他17分钟… so those other 17 minutes...
- 是你的问题 - 麦克！ - that's kind of on you... - Mike!
这叫做夸饰 I'm using hyperbole.
我不知道那哈意思 I don't know what that means, and I think you know that I don't.
我想你也知道我不懂
麦克，帮我一个忙，他妈的惦惦 Mike, do me a favor. Shut the fuck up.
艾瑞克，加油 Go Eric.
你也闭嘴 Shut up too!
林老师卡好咧 I mean, God damn it!
你们四个自我中心、机能残缺 You're all self-absorbed, barely-functioning...
臭味相投的怪咖 codependent weirdos!
- 对啊 - 说得好 - Yeah. - I know.
- 突破盲点了 - 我们也才刚发现 - MIKE: That's pretty spot-on. - ALICE: We just figured that out.
这种个性不好一我们会改进 - Those are not good qualities. - We're gonna work on it.
我们这样很久了一超多年der - It's been a long time. - It's been so many years.
我们两个很迷惘 We're both very confused.
没有，你不迷惘 ALICE: No, no. You're not confused.
你只是摇头丸快退了 You're just coming down off MDMA.
歹势，这条算我的 Sorry. Which I gave you.
艾瑞克，别怪她昨晚练肖话 And Eric, you can't blame her for anything she said last night.
我嗑摇头丸做的瞎事数不完 I've done so much stupid shit on E.
我渴到喝地上的水滩 I got so dehydrated that I was drinking puddle water...
结果进了医院 and I had to go to the hospital...
比顶新的油还要可怕 'cause puddles are really dirty.
有一次我嗑了迷幻千仙人掌 DAVE: One time I was on peyote...
我就跟种花电信签约了 and I signed up for a T-Mobile plan.
有一次我嗨了 TATIANA: One time I got high.
我看了洗发精的使用说明13小时 I read the back of a shampoo bottle for 13 hours.
因为上面写了“重复” Because it said "repeat."
- “重复冲洗” - 我懂 - Rinse and repeat. - I get it.
珍妮 Jeanie, I know you think that Eric can be boring...
我知道你认为艾瑞克可能很无趣 Enough of this talk of boring!
不准说我无趣！
妈的 Damn it!
我有六成的投资拿去玩股票 Sixty percent of my investments are in some pretty aggressive stocks.
过马路不会认真看路 I don't always look both ways when I cross the street.
我偶尔吃晚饭的时候 I've been known to have a second glass of wine...
会喝到两杯葡萄酒 with my dinner, every now and then.
我有一次看电影 I once went to see a movie...
跑去另一厅看了第二部 walked across the hallway, saw a second movie.
直到演完才给钱 Didn't pay till after.
这样有无趣吗？ Is that boring?
- 你说句公道话 - 有点 - What'd you say? - Yeah.
你说得对，我们错了 - You're right. We were wrong. - That was pretty boring.
这样挺无趣的
看你们还敢不敢说我无趣？ Well, how about this for boring?
- Bam! - (GASPS)
怎么样！
我们蜜月旅行的热气球搭乘券 Two hot air balloon tickets for our honeymoon.
(EXCLAIMS)
我知道你很想去 I know you really wanted to go...
所以我之前把票买了，要给你惊喜 so I got these tickets a while ago to surprise you.
惊喜吧 Surprise.
ALL: Aww!
宝贝，你有惧高症耶 Baby, you're so afraid of heights.
- 宝贝，我吓得快剉屎了 - 对啊 - Baby, I'm fucking terrified of heights. - Yeah.
可是我最怕的… But my biggest fear...
是当不了你的好老公 is to not be the husband that you deserve.
宝贝，对不起，我超糟糕的 JEANIE: Baby, I'm sorry I fucked so much of this up...
可是我保证那个按摩师… but I promise that masseuse...
完全没有碰我的妹妹 He didn't touch my lavender juice box.
天啊，宝贝，我爱你 Oh God, baby. I love you.
我知道我想嫁给你 And I know I want to marry you.
现在立刻，你还要我吗？ Today, if you'll still have me.
宝贝，废话，开什么玩笑 Babe, of course. Are you kidding me?
亲下去 Kiss her.
宝贝，我为你痴狂 Baby, I'm crazy about you.
BOTH: Aww!
我想立马娶你 I want to marry you right now...
可是宝贝，我们把厂商都取消了 but, baby, we already canceled all the vendors.
他们应该不会让我们在这里结婚 I don't think they're going to let us get married here.
交给我们搞定吧 Leave that to us.
(I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOVE PLAYING)
交给我们四个人搞定 Leave that to all of us.
- 耶！ - 麦克，走吧 - Yeah! - Let's go, Mike.
走这裹，靠 This way! Oh, fuck!
我们绕过去吧 We'll actually just head around.
我没事 - Girl. - I'm good.
你想要哪个部位？ So what part you like, brah?
- 我们需要整只猪 - 我不能给你整只 - We need the whole pig. - I can't give you a whole pig.
可是我们有一百张嘴要喂 But we need to feed 100 people.
拜托让我们在这裹办婚礼好吗？ Could we please, please have the wedding here?
我说最后一次，我们没场地了 For the last time, we're out of venues.
- 快点把我拉住… - 哈？ - Hold me back. Hold me back, please. - What?
把场地交出来就对了 Give us a place!
大家让开！ Everybody out of the way!
烫死我啦 It's hot. So hot!
- 闪边啦 - 把猪还我 - Out of the fucking way! - I want my pig back!
如果我给你们饭店 What if I supplied all the liquor...
每个酒吧的酒类 for every bar in this hotel...
接下来三年都算经销价呢？ at wholesale prices for the next three years?
- 成交 - 帅啦，赞 - Deal. - Yes! Fuck yes!
我替你们乔场地 I'll get you guys a venue.
“卡那罗湾马厩”
(GRUNTS)
Ahh!
(BECKY GRUNTING)
基斯，像样点 BECKY: Keith, get it together.
快点动起来… We need to move, move, move.
我很努力了 I'm doing my best.
“今天就证婚！!！取得证照〕
“恭喜！!！你已被授予神职J
水啦 Hell yeah!
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
现在… DAVE: And now... a reading...
我要读一段文章
这是我从大厅找到的童书 from the children's book that I got in the lobby.
阿罗哈，月亮 - Oh. - "Aloha moon.
阿罗哈，大海 "Aloha sea.
阿罗哈，你 "Aloha you.
阿罗哈，我 "Aloha me."
- 我愿意 - 我愿意 - I do. - I do.
根据网站 MIKE: By the power vested in me...
“第一次证婚就上手”赋予我的力量 by the website www.beyourowndeacon.com...
我现在宣布你们结为夫妻 I now pronounce you husband and wife.
小浑蛋成功了 Those assholes kind of did it.
对啊 (LAUGHS) Yeah.
小浑蛋是成功了 Those assholes kind of did.
你可以亲吻新娘了 You may kiss the bride.
好，亲新娘 MIKE: Okay. Kiss the bride.
亲新娘 Kiss the bride.
(ALL CHEERING)
Uh-huh.
(LAUGHS)
(LAUGHING)
Yeah!
(PLAYING HAWAIIAN MUSIC)
- 这是你设计的？ - 对啊 - MIKE: You designed this? - TATIANA: Yeah.
超屎的，这是婚礼，你摆成心型 Insane. We're at a wedding, it's in the shape of a heart.
这真是个好点子 That was a really good idea.
我的好点子可多了 I have so many good ideas.
我做上一份工作时，创意大爆发 At my last job, I was on fire with ideas.
其实，我需要新搭档 Huh? Actually, I need a new partner...
因为戴夫要丢下我去画画了 because Dave is bailing on me to draw things.
你想不想… Would you wanna...
来替我做事？ maybe come work for me?
真的吗？ Really?
你对酒懂多少？ What do you know about liquor?
我只知道酒很好喝，我超爱的 Um, only that it's delicious and I love it.
你懂这两点就够了 And those are the two things you need to know.
你录取了 You are hired. (LAUGHS)
赞，我何时上工？ Great. When do I start?
你可以立刻上工 You can start right away...
不过有时候可能要加班到很晚 but just know that there will be some late nights.
关好你的老二，好吗？ Keep it in your pants, okay?
我们要当同事的话… If we're going to work together, let's just...
就只谈公事 keep it professional.
好 Okay.
- 我们就只谈公事吧 - 好 - We'll keep it professional, then. - Good.
- 好 - 赞 - All right. - Good.
- 好 - 好 - Okay. - Okay.
- 好 - 好喔 - Okay. - Yeah.
- 你确定？ - 不确定 - Are you sure? - I don't know.
蛤？ What?
- 你说哈？ - 干嘛？ - What'd you say? - What?
(SINGING) Love me tender
Love me sweet
Never let me go
You have made my life complete
我不行 I don't.
“删除影片”
Love me tender
Love me true
All my dreams fulfilled
(LAUGHING)
For my darlin' I love you
塔蒂亚娜料中了 Tatiana said this was gonna happen.
你真的让我脱离苦海了 You got my groove back.
是喔？ Really?
这是我听过最窝心的称赞 That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.
(LAUGHS)
(SIGHS)
我喜欢你 I like you.
(DAVE MOANING)
等等，人太多了啦 Wait. There's people everywhere.
- 让他们看秀吧 - 好 - Let them watch. - Mmm. Okay.
Whoa!
大家好 Hi, everyone.
不好意思，请大家注意到这边来 Excuse us. Could we have your attention, please?
我跟我老公 My husband and I...
想感谢四个大好人 want to thank four very incredible people...
解除我们的危机 for saving the day.
麦克跟戴夫想说几句话 Mike and Dave have asked to say a few words...
所以我们要请他们上台 so we would like to invite them up.
上来吧 Come on, boys.
谢谢珍妮 Thank you, Jeanie.
我们在喜酒彩排最后没有致词 We never got to give our speech at the rehearsal dinner.
因为我们吵翻天搞砸了 Because we ruined it. With fights.
但我们希望在场来宾都知道 But we just wanted everybody here to know...
我们对你的爱 exactly how we feel about you.
灯光 MIKE: Lights.
场面要愈搞愈大 (WHISPERING) You gotta get bigger and bigger.
你知道这个安排吗？ Did you know this was coming?
(SHUSHING)
(YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL PLAYING)
你好美 You are so beautiful
So beautiful
Aww.
我的宝贝 To me
BOTH: Aww.
你看不出来吗？ Can't you see?
你美得冒泡 You're so beautiful
太感人惹 This is real beautiful, man.
你是我唯一的愿望 You're everything I hoped for
小妹就是这样 - In a little sister! - Oh!
你是我的一切所需 You're everything I need
我的一切所需 Everything that I need
唱得还可以啦 They're kind of good. (CHUCKLES)
你们真美好 You are so beautiful
鸳鸯一对，对吗？ As a couple. Right guys?
BOTH: Oh!
我的宝贝 To me
你的宝贝 And to you.
大家的宝贝 And to you. To all of us.
珍妮，你最美 You're beautiful, Jeanie!
BOTH: Oh!
(CRYING)
各位，谢谢戴夫 - Dave, everybody. - (APPLAUSE)
他要画画去了 He's gonna draw!
爱你喔 Love you!
超棒的 So sweet.
我还以为他们会搞砸，结果没有 Thought they were gonna blow it. They did not.
很好啊 That's good.
这样就对了 (SINGING) This is how we do it
这样就对了 This is how we do it
This is how we do it
礼拜五晚上 It's Friday night
干嘛乱丢… - (GRUNTS) - Oh, you don't throw...
我走路有风 And I feel all right
足k踢给我催下去 The party's here on the west side
烧酒给我饮落去 So I reach for my forty and I turn it up
指定驾驶会帮我闲载卡多 Designated driver got the keys to my truck
- 前进海边，因为我瞎了 - 瞎了 - Hit the shore 'cause I'm faded - Faded
街上的正妹说 Honey on the streets saying
我们办到惹 Monty, yo, we made it
我有点嗨，因为… I'm kinda buzzed and it's all because
这样就对了 This is how we do it
洛杉矶最屎 South Central does it like nobody does
这样就对了 This is how we do it
好啊 (LAUGHS) All right.
敬我的邻居，大家超有型 To all my neighbors, you got much flavor This is how we do it
这样就对了
＃史府班府喜宴2016 # StangleBenoit2016.
帅啦，系低！ MAN: Hell yeah!
尬的 DAVE: Oh, God!
这… Well...
(PANTING)
这姿势有点酸 I picked a bad pose, guys.
烟火！ Fireworks!
珍妮，这是替你放的 These are for you, Jeanie!
用烟火结束典礼最赞！ - (ALL GASPING) - Fireworks close the show!
那是强国制的炮竹啦 Those are from China, those fireworks.
(ALL SCREAMING)
北七，他妈的… You idiots! You fucking...
(WHINNYING)
(MIKE AND TATIANA MOANING)
好酷 This is cool.
我不晓得还有这种玩法 I didn't know you could do it this way.
- (MOANS LOUDLY) - Oh...
我到了 I'm done.
操，好爽 Fuck. Holy shit.
好 Okay.
刚刚很赞，干得好 That was great. Good job.
(HORSE WHINNYING)
Whoa!
(CREW LAUGHING)
我“权力游戏”进度落后好多 I'm so behind right now on Game of Thrones.
我连卡丽熙跟她的多斯拉克男友 I don't even know what's happening with Khaleesi and her Dothraki boyfriend.
进展到哪裹都不知道
好，他挂了，琼恩雪诺也是 Okay. Well he's dead, and so is Jon Snow.
琼恩雪诺？ Jon Snow?
管他去屎，反正我比他高 Fuck that dude. I'm taller than him anyways.
我看过他本人 - Saw him. - (LAUGHING)
我发现某个探险家在摸你妹妹 I just found out some spelunker went dunkin' in your bunker.
(ALL LAUGHING)
你跟早上的老二一样清新 You are fresh as a fucking dick in the morning.
那哪有清新啊 That's not that fresh.
你在早上吸过老二吗？ Have you ever sucked a dick in the morning? (LAUGHS)
妹子，我都用老二刷牙 I brush my teeth with dick, girl.
好罗 - Alright... - What?
好罗…暂停
干嘛？片商不喜欢这个眼？ Oh. Fox don't like that joke?
(ALL LAUGHING)
我快吐了，你好像肉 I'm gonna throw up. You look like meat!
跟内心对话… Inner dialogue, inner dialogue.
我有次破伤风痛苦到吸街友的拇指 I once got lockjaw so bad that I was sucking a homeless man's thumb.
戴夫不得不到医院接我 Dave actually had to come get me from the hospital...
因为医生发现有13张神奇宝贝闪卡 because they found 13 Pokemon pugs and a skimmer...
跟一个昂仔镖塞在我的屁眼裹 shoved up my butthole.
我只能等着拉出来 I just had to wait to poop them out.
皮卡丘 Pikachu.
小火龙 Charmander.
没关系，把你的老二收好 That's okay. No, no. Keep your dick in.
(CREW LAUGHING)
我一直以为羊起司 For most of my life, I thought goat cheese...
是起司坏掉的俚语 was a slang term for cheese that's gone bad.
我一看到发霉的起司就会说 I'd see moldy cheese and I'd be, like, "Dude, that cheese is goat."
喂，那片起司羊了
“把那块羊起司拿走” Like, "Get that goat cheese off the counter."
你看起来像变形塔可 You look like a deconstructed taco.
你像大杂烩 Like carnival food.
就像厨师会扔到垃圾桶的松饼 Like the waffle that the chef would just go, "We're throwing that away."
我们在干嘛？ What are we doing?
(ALL LAUGHING)
(MIKE BAWLING)
勇者… And the home
Of the
的…
Brave
家园
麦克，比赛闲始 Play ball, Mike.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(STANG LIFE PLAYING)
我们是酒家男
MIKE: (RAPPING) You know we saw my nigga
DAVE: Mike and me forever It's the Stang life, bitch
麦克跟戴夫永远不分闲
这就是史丹格的人参哪
史丹格人参，卖酒快快赚饱饱 Stang life, getting rich Selling fucking liquor quick
麦克跟戴夫永远不分闲 Mike and me forever It's the Stang life, bitch
这就是史丹格的人参哪
史丹格人参 Stang life I will never die I'm a Stangle, bitch
永远不屎，我是史丹格
钟楼怪人在海滩 Hunchback of Notre D on the B
带正妹飞去参加我妹的海滩婚礼 Flying fucking girls to my sister's wedding at the beach
我们坐进头等舱，别想斓我 Now we in first class seats Couldn't hold me back, G
珍妮史丹格猛灌香槟 Jeanie Stangie being wild Sippin' Cristal, sippin', sippin' Cristal
灌啊灌香槟 Sippin', sippin' Cristal
珍妮…臭臭珍妮 Jeanie, Jeanie, Jeanie Beanie Weanie
嫁给艾瑞克，保证有大雕 Gettin' married with Eric Guaranteed he's got a big, big weenie
小妹让我好骄傲，她的婚戒亮晶晶 I'm proud of my little sister Proud that she got a wedding ring
还有闪亮项链，艾瑞克 And a necklace, Eric you're my brother now So that means I'm kinda black
你变成我姊夫，所以我也是黑人罗
等咧，不对，我还是个白人 Oh, wait. Not really. I'm white, man.
我很闲心跟你变亲戚，真der I'm just happy to be related to you, honestly.
- 呼喊艾瑞克 - 艾瑞克 - Shout out to Eric. - Eric!
我就像超人，放我出笼 I be like Superman, let me out the cage
我框了石膏，书本照翻 I got out of my cast and I flipped the page
现在我要像从前画漫画 And now I'm drawing comic books like I used to do
挺酷的，小妹珍妮也要结婚去 Kinda cool, Little sister Jeanie getting married too
麦克跟戴夫永远不分开 Mike and Dave forever It's the Stang life, bitch
这就是史丹格的人参哪
史丹格人参，卖酒快快赚饱饱 Stang life, getting rich, selling fucking liquor quick
麦克跟戴夫永远不分开 Mike, Mike and Dave forever It's the Stang life, bitch
这就是史丹格的人参哪
史丹格人参 Stan g life I will never die, I'm a Stangle, bitch
永远不屎，我是史丹格
嘿啊，我们抢救婚礼 Yeah, we put the wedding back together
我们先是GG它，但后来弄得更强大 First we broke it up but we made it better
没人敢笑我 Nobody makes fun of me in any way
因为麦克会罩我，他说 'Cause I got Mike by my side, and you know what he say
脊椎侧弯，我在上你，婊子 Scoliosis, now I'm fucking yo bitch
脊椎侧弯，我正在上两个马子 Scoliosis, now I'm fuckin' two chicks
脊椎侧弯，轰轰轰 Scoliosis, vroom vroom vroom
咻地穿过丛林往你去 Comin' through the jungle at you like boom
麦克跟戴夫骑着越野车 Mike and Dave Stangle on the ATV
我们屎定了 - MIKE: We're gonna die - DAVE: It's my girls and me
两个妹跟我
我的朋友一起逍遥游 My crew and us, we just cruisin'
在空中后空翻，挂保证 Doin' fuckin' backflips off jumps guaranteed
辗过老妹的脸 Ran over my sister's face
- 挺斓的 - 我的错 - DAVE: It was kinda wack - MIKE: My bad
但你知道吗？我们大抢救 DAVE: But you know what? We came back from that
你们现在结婚了，没事惹 You're getting married now and it's okay
你们好侏罗纪，你们好棒棒 You're soiurassic, you're so fantastic
麦克跟戴夫永远不分开 Mike and Dave forever It's the Stang life, bitch
这就是史丹格的人参哪
史丹格人参，卖酒快快赚饱饱 Stan g life, getting rich, selling fucking liquor quick
麦克跟戴夫永远不分开 Mike, Mike and Dave forever It's the Stang life, bitch
这就是史丹格的人参哪
史丹格人参，永远不屎 Stang life, I will never die
我是史丹格 I'm a Stangle, bitch
温麻吉戴夫，涂涂写写 MIKE: My boy Dave, puttin' pen to paper
想把专辑发出去 Trying to get this damn label off
就像嘻哈唱片 Like Aftermath?
饶舌歌手替我装修房子 Vanilla Ice remodeled my house
叫我们兄弟该玩饶舌了 Told Dave and I we should start rappin'
我兄弟是地表最强白人饶舌歌手 My brother's the best white rapper (BLEEP) Eminem!