I can't feel it yet, Philip.
Move a little to the right, baby.
I'm about to go downstairs to the family room.
Gee, I hope there ain't nobody down there getting busy.
Will, your aunt thought her earring rolled under the couch.
Look, man, y'all are married. Where y'all put your earrings is your business.
What do you want, Will?
Yo, them two Lakers tickets you promised me.
- I'm taking Jazz. - No, you're not.
I'm giving the other one to one of my clients' daughters.
I get it. This is a setup, right?
Come on, Uncle Phil, no way. I can't let my man down.
They're floor seats, center court.
You know, come to think of it, I don't even know if Jazz likes basketball.
Don't try to move the couch, Philip. Just forget the earring.
- I can't. - Why not?
Because I can't stand up.
In theory, that probably means that you can't run, either. Right?
Which probably makes this a pretty good time to tell you...
that I wore that earring to school today.
Get him, Vivian.
Well, Geoffrey, it looks like I'm all ready for the harvest dance.
Tux? Check. Shoes? Check.
And a pure silk, hand-stitched pocket square.
Exquisite.
It is definitely peach season, man.
Will, that's disgusting.
Would you please clean this for me, Geoffrey?
I would prefer an assassin's bullet to this kind of living hell.
Yo, I think G's drawers must be bunching again.
So have you got a date to the dance yet?
I will when I call Claudia.
Claudia? As in head cheerleader?
Why don't you just ask Sinead O'Connor?
I did, but she had to wash her hair.
That's probably your date to the Lakers' game.
Why don't you just take her to the dance?
Wait. First of all, it is not a date.
She's coming to pick up her ticket, and then she's gonna go.
Man, I'm not down with that blind-date stuff.
Every time they get here they look like...
Yo, man, where's my date?
Miss Denice Williams.
Hi, I'm Dee Dee.
I can't believe we got center court, floor seats to the Lakers' game.
That's my team. I know they're gonna kick butt tonight.
Don't you think?
Hello?
I know they don't walk in LA, but I at least hoped they talked.
- I'm Will and this is my cousin Carlton. - Hi.
Can you do that and walk at the same time?
That's darn clever.
- So, Dee Dee, what school do you go to? - Well, I just moved here...
Listen, Dee Dee, you know what?
I don't think I'm gonna be able to take you to that game...
'cause I got this stuff piled in my car.
There probably wouldn't be enough room for you.
I mean, not just you, anybody.
- What are you talking about? - Our blind date to the game.
Blind date? No, see, I don't do blind dates.
I mean, you think it's gonna be Mr. Right...
and then it ends up being some tall, skinny guy...
with big ears and weird clothes.
I mean, not just you, anybody.
Look, here you go. Here's your ticket. Hey, maybe I'll see you at the game.
You probably will.
I'll be the one in the seat next to you...
shouting my phone number to Magic Johnson.
Bye, Carlton. I'll see you later.
I hope Magic ate his Wheaties.
Okay, here are the files you asked for, sweetheart.
Thank you.
I need a copy of the Richburg merger...
and find out if we got a continuance on the Seger case.
Philip, I am tired of this.
You're just lying on your back giving orders, and I'm doing all the work.
Why does this seem so familiar?
Well, I'm sorry. I was just trying to get a little work done.
Philip, Dr. Black said the best thing for you to do is rest.
Now if you need anything else, use the intercom.
Yo, what's up, Uncle Phil?
Hey, yo, the game was live, man. The Sixers crushed the Lakers.
I never heard so much rough language in my life.
- Was Dee Dee offended? - No, only when they told her to shut up.
You know, Dee Dee is real cool, though, man.
She's coming over tomorrow. We gonna listen to some tapes.
- Sounds like you two are getting along. - Yeah.
Why don't you ask her to the dance?
You're clowning me, right, Uncle Phil?
No, but look, man, I'm telling you, Dee Dee is real down and everything...
but you know how it would be to take somebody...
to the dance that's real big.
On sports, big...
Yeah, well, look, I already asked Claudia anyway...
almost.
- Hi, Daddy. - Hi, baby.
I came to keep you company. Where's the remote?
Darling, there's nothing on TV to stimulate the intelligent mind.
Uncle Phil, you must be tripping, man.
This is the episode of Star Trek...
where Captain Kirk sleeps with that green girl.
Will, that is such worthless drivel.
Look, the home-shopper's channel.
So with the Sandwich King all you need is two pieces of white bread...
and a can of delicious chili.
And in less than a minute...
you have a mouthwatering chili-pocket.
You gourmets may want to squirt a little cheese on top.
Yuck. Man, I haven't heard of nothing that disgusting...
since Clarence Thomas found that hair on his cola.
Look, Will, you are entitled to your opinion...
but the best movie ever made was not Cleopatra Jones.
It was Casablanca.
Please. Here you have a movie set in Africa...
there's only one brother in the whole thing, and he's from Detroit.
- Okay, but you know a movie I really like? - What?
- Shaft. - Shut your mouth.
I'm talking about Shaft.
Then we can dig it.
"He's a complicated man...
"but no one understands him but his woman."
John Shaft.
Thanks a lot, G.
Hey, what's up, G? You don't think that's funny?
Yes. I'm about to laugh myself into a seizure.
This is just fine and dandy. The cleaners shrunk my tux.
Carl, man, you can wear that.
Just put it on and say, "Boss, da plane, da plane."
Why don't you just rent a tux?
Great. Wear used clothes.
Why don't I just go pitch a tent under a freeway...
and eat cold beans with a stick?
It's just a dance.
But I heard the music is gonna be bumping.
- It's probably gonna be a lot of fun. - Yeah.
I mean, I've already asked Claudia, almost.
You know, right, cool.
Well, you know, see, I'm still trying to get my rap together.
I got as far as, "Yo, yo, baby. Yo, baby, yo."
Look, I don't mean to butt in, but I'm sure her name is not Yo...
and I know she ain't got your baby.
I mean, why don't you try something more honest like:
I think you're great.
I'd be honored if you'd go to the dance with me.
Honest. Damn, what a concept.
You know, thank you. See, you know what?
Most women won't tell you stuff like that.
- That's cool, you know. - No, really, you're different.
You know, I mean, you're not afraid to just say what you think, you know...
or do something silly, or, you know, just bug out.
That's decent.
You make me feel so, man, I don't know.
So...
So hungry.
Hungry is what you make me. Yeah, man.
I could go for a nacho refill, right? Yeah?
Right, I'm gonna make this call to Claudia first though, right?
You know, I mean, I don't want to forget what you said.
Honest, right?
Honest.
There's a hex on me.
All the tuxes that are halfway acceptable...
in this town have been rented.
My shoes, which I put outside for a final Scotchgarding...
were carried off by a Labrador retriever.
What else could go wrong?
How about that big old zit on your nose?
I'm finished with my hoagie, Aunt Viv. I'm gonna go meet Dee Dee for a pizza.
Dee Dee?
- Is that who you're taking to the dance? - No, Aunt Viv.
See, it's not like that with me and Dee Dee. We're just buddies.
I'm going with Claudia Prescott.
That girl's built to take all of my money.
- I like Dee Dee. She's fun. - And she's cute.
But I'm worried about her cholesterol level.
Hey, I'll see you all later.
My man, Will.
- Ty, what's up, baby? - What up, man?
Dee Dee, I'd like you to meet my friend, Ty.
- My sister, how you doing? - Hi.
Check it out. Let me go grab my order pad. I'll hook you up.
All right, man.
Yo, bro.
Kellogg Lieberbaum, yo.
This is my man, Cornflake.
Well, aren't you going to introduce us to your date?
This is my friend, Dee Dee. Dee Dee, meet the brat pack.
- Hi. - Hi.
Excuse me while I go to...
Hell, I'm going to the bathroom.
Good work, bro. She's quite a fly sister.
Yeah, and I bet she's tons of fun.
You know, as a matter of fact, she is.
Hey, good honey is hard to find.
Of course, that one would be hard to lose.
Cornflake, remind me to talk about them guy's mothers...
when we get to school on Monday.
Yo, Ty, give me a large pepperoni and two colas.
So we got your date covered. What you having?
Hey, look, Ty. Come on, please. Don't even start.
That is my friend, that's it.
All right, cool out, man, you know, 'cause it ain't my fault...
the babe's got more buns than a day-old bakery.
- That's all I'm saying. - Hey, now, hold on.
- Now how you trying to play me? - I ain't trying to play you.
You've seen the honeys that I've had up in here.
I can't figure out how a brother goes from T-bone to rump roast.
That's all.
Man, that girl is not my girlfriend.
I'm not your friend, either.
Hey, Dee Dee.
Hey, this is Will. Pick up that phone, girl.
Hey, Dee Dee, I ain't playing. Pick up the phone.
Hey, Dee Dee, if you don't pick up that phone, I'm gonna have to...
call you back.
And I ain't afraid to do it, neither.
Look, Dee Dee, I'm sorry about yesterday.
I was tripping. I'll call you back later. Bye.
I don't even know why I'm making such a big deal about this.
She's not even my type.
You like the same movies, same music...
same food, same jokes...
and you both enjoy sticking straws up your noses.
I know, Aunt Viv, but other than that we don't have nothing in common.
It's her weight, isn't it?
You may have noticed that your Uncle Philip is overweight.
And you may also have noticed that I could care less...
and that I love him very, very much.
Dad changed his mind. He doesn't want a Belgian waffle.
He wants you to use his new Sandwich King...
to make a chili-pocket sandwich.
I'll put some chili in his pocket.
Dee Dee?
Hold on. It's for you, man.
Hello?
Hi, Kelly.
All ready for tomorrow night's big soiree?
What do you mean you can't go?
What kind of medical reason?
A pimple?
Kelly, that's no reason to stay home.
Look, I have a pimple. Actually, I have two.
Hello?
That's it, my life is cursed.
No tux, no shoes, no date.
Okay, don't panic.
There's got to be someone I can call.
But what kind of girl is sitting home without a date for a Saturday night?
A great girl.
So, anyway, Tiffany and Nica and I walk into the Yacht Club...
and we're the only ones in white.
So Tiffany says, "Oh, my God! It's the day after Labor Day."
And we just all wanted to die.
And that's a true story.
Wow, have you sold the movie rights yet?
I don't get it.
Look, here comes Carlton.
Come on in, C. You look cool, man.
Well, maybe you're right.
I probably don't look as bad as I think, huh?
No, you got a sort of a Lou Rawls thing going there, man.
Yes, Carlton, you do look top-notch, I must say so.
Honestly, Will, if he sits with us, I'm leaving.
Well, Claudia, what are you talking about? That's my cousin.
Well, it ain't like we brothers or nothing. Beat it, C.
Hey, Carlton.
Great minds think alike, huh?
I wonder if you could hang yourself with a cummerbund.
Next to your faithful dog...
this Prince Albert pants-presser is a man's best friend.
For just $39.95 your creases will be the talk of the town.
And the attachments...
Darn. That's what I should have ordered instead of that pinky ring.
What is going on in here?
We're shopping in the comfort of our home and we're saving money, too.
How did they do it? "Volume."
Philip, Dr. Black said you should be resting.
I want everyone to leave.
- Bye, Daddy. - Bye, baby.
Last one to the family room pays for all the shipping and handling.
Philip, if you ever want to stand up straight again...
you need some rest.
Okay, I'll just lay here and do nothing flat on my back.
Philip, I'm so sorry if I was...
stupid enough to think that there was something really wrong with you.
Vivian...
it's a miracle.
I can walk!
And then, if you divide the number of atoms in a cubic centimeter of air...
by the number of people in this room, you get a prime number.
That is totally nifty, isn't it, Carlton?
So there we are...
in a sailboat in the middle of the lake...
and I look down and Nica has on sandals instead of deck shoes.
I mean, can you just imagine how I felt?
Yeah, like jamming a fork in your hand...
you know, just to make sure you're still alive.
No, but that's okay. Look, I'm gonna go fix my hair.
Cornflake, come on, come with me, man. You push her in. I'll flush.
You know, I wonder what Dee Dee is doing, man.
She's dancing.
- What? How do you know that? - Because she's right over there.
Hey, wait a minute.
She's supposed to be at home not returning my phone calls.
Excuse me.
Dee Dee, what are you doing here?
And who's this?
I'm dancing. This is Robert.
Robert, this is Will. We used to hang out.
Hi, Will.
- I'm gonna go get us some punch. - Thank you.
Where'd you find him at? Rent-a-sucker?
Look, I'm on a date, Will.
You know, like when a guy who likes a girl asks her out...
and they go somewhere...
and he still acts nice to her when they get there?
You know, I do go on dates.
Look, Dee Dee, I just thought that...
You just thought that 'cause I'm not a size six, no one would ask me out.
Well, not everyone feels like that.
I mean that's just your hang-up, isn't it?
Dee Dee, listen. I really like you a lot, all right?
You really like being with me as long as no one thinks you're with me.
I mean, I'm sorry, but that's just not good enough for me.
So that's when we realized that we were the only ones in white.
And we just all wanted to die.
You know what color I really like?
Strawberry.
I don't get it.
...and now that Beemer runs like a top.
You know, I think that's really...
ex-straw-dinary
I don't get it.
Wait a minute. Hold it, Dee Dee.
Would you ever wear white after Labor Day?
If I can button it, and it's clean, I'll pretty much wear anything.
My kind of honey.
You know, Dee Dee...
I never thought I'd have you in bed on the first night.
Well, I can honestly say this is the first time I've ever done this.
This clever device is probably...
I can't believe we didn't get in on that abdominizer.
Well, that's because you couldn't decide between the chocolate gavel...
and the picture of the dogs playing poker.
Will you two be quiet?
I'm trying to hear the musical toilet seat.
It's 12:01. Thank God this day is over.
I look like I escaped from the '70s.
I've spent the whole night with two guys who consider picking their faces a hobby...
and I got a flat tire on the way home.
I just want to sit down and pretend this never happened...
and if one more thing happens to me, I'm gonna kill myself.
Other than that, man, I mean, I like her.
Besides, I've already asked out Claudia.
- Too late. - Damn.
I can't believe we got Lakers teats, center court floor... Damn!
I would prefer an assassin's bullet to this kind of living hell.
I'm sorry.
I prefer assassin's bullet to this kind of hell.
That wasn't funny.
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