Hello! I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome to a brand new series of Taskmaster.
Across the next eight episodes, five comedians
slash presenter, slash actors
will take on a raft of absurd tasks,
desperate to win this near-exact replica
of my saggy old head...
and declare themselves the series champion.
But who are these people? Well, without further ado,
let's meet our shiny new competitors. They are...
Hugh Dennis!
Joe Lycett!
Lolly Adefope!
Mel Giedroyc!
And Noel Fielding!
And for the fourth series in a row, I am assisted and sat next to...
- Little Alex Horne. - Oh!
What have you been up to, Alex, since we last met?
Well, obviously the new health regime,
hence the legs. Lovely legs now.
Lovely legs.
Doing my sport with my dad's friends.
- Yeah? - Weirdly.
Been hanging out with your dad's friends again?
Yes, I have.
I was meant to say, "friends who are also dads like me",
but I've said "my dad's friends", so we'll stick with that.
And we've been doing a lot of...
The main sport we're doing is a lot of pole vault, so we've all clubbed together...
'cause it's not only the poles,
you have to rent a stretch limo to transport the poles.
But now we can leap into structures higher than we could before.
- Right. - In we go.
Which is something you've been aspiring to for a long time.
Thank you, yeah.
I guess we should start with the prize task, right?
Yes, 'cause not only are they playing for the overall series trophy,
but each episode, we dangle a prize carrot for them
to chase and win and eat at the end of each show.
And today we've asked them to bring in...
the most interesting autograph on the most interesting vegetable.
[laughter]
So the series is off to an electrifying start.
Electrifying!
OK, let's go left to right.
- Hugh Dennis? - Yeah?
Please tell us what your vegetable is and who signed it.
I've been fascinated for years and years and years
with the American civil rights movement.
Wow.
I'd kind of wanted to get hold of the signature of Martin Luther King,
but I couldn't get that.
So I had to go for my second option.
Which was to get the autograph of the great
American black civil rights leader, Malcolm X.
- Yeah. - On a carrot.
[laughter and applause]
I was about to say, the only way that that could be less impressive
is if you couldn't draw an "X".
[Greg] Quelle surprise, you can't!
I didn't draw it, Malcolm drew it.
Joe, which vegetable did you bring in and who signed it?
I've brought in a yellow courgette.
I got a very interesting person's autograph on it.
I got yours.
[laughter]
I got the task and I thought, "You can't possibly think
that your own signature is anything but the best."
So I asked Sara Pascoe to find you,
'cause I knew she would see you at the Broadcast Awards that evening.
Yep.
And she took you a yellow courgette, which you signed.
- [Alex] We can see it here. - [Greg] She did.
[Joe] Can't really sign your own name, can you?
Your colleague lied to me and told me that I was signing that for charity.
[everyone gasps]
Uh-oh. Oh, Lycett.
Interestingly, I didn't question that.
[laughter]
I didn't-- I didn't tell her to do that.
- No. - She said it was a vegetable raffle.
Would you like me to make a donation to charity on your behalf?
I do, but that's not gonna help you here.
Pascoe's really let you down.
I'm not gonna bother, then.
Fuck charity.
[laughter]
Lolly. Veg, signature...?
So, I got a signed CD by the Black-Eyed Peas.
On some black-eyed peas.
- [laughter] - Oh, lovely.
- You can see it here. - Lovely.
[everyone] Ooh!
- [Lolly] Thank you, thank you. - [Greg] All four of the Black-Eyed Peas.
[Lolly] All four of them.
[Hugh] Is a pea technically a vegetable?
- Yes. - Yep.
- It's not a bean? - Nope.
It is actually a vegetable?
Yeah, I'm making a judgment on that right now.
Thank you.
That's the most threatening way that question's ever been asked.
"It's not a legume, is it?"
And I think it's great. I think it's layers, and I like that.
- [Lolly] Thank you. - [Mel] Strong.
And I didn't lie about it, either.
That's someone taking this competition seriously,
making an effort, not just sticking an X on a carrot.
Clear leader, clear leader.
Mel, vegetable signatures?
I got, um...
Howard on a horseradish,
- Gary on a butternut squash, - [Greg] Oh, my God.
Mark on a heritage squash,
and Robbie on a sweet potato.
No!
Couldn't get Jason because he's gone AWOL with a rucksack.
That's fine. He's a fruit.
- These are signatures from Take That. - TT, as I live and breathe.
- Absolutely incredible. - [Noel] Wow!
[applause]
- [Alex] A new leader, is that? - Very much a new leader.
This is gonna have to be pretty special from you, Noel, to top this.
Well, I think it's quite special. It's quite unusual.
- [Greg] Right. - It's a broad bean.
- Lovely. - And, uh...
It's David Suchet. Poirot, for you lot.
[Greg] Wow, wow!
[applause]
I mean, I'll be honest with you, that is a home run for me.
- Suchet on a broad bean. - You've always liked that.
That's what this competition is about!
What do you wanna do? You've got to score it.
- From top to bottom? - I mean, it's really tough.
Obviously we know who's bottom, don't we, Hugh?
And because of the charity suffering,
unfortunately, I have to put Joe in second to last place.
I've not stolen from a charity!
No, no, but your friend misled a charity,
and as a result, some people have perished.
[laughter]
- I'm gonna put Lolly in third place... - Three points. OK.
because the music of the Black-Eyed Peas sickens me.
And I'm finding it so hard, because that is so powerful,
but sometimes the simplicity...
Suchet on a broad bean. Bang!
That's it, that's how I'm scoring it.
[Mel] Yeah, fair enough.
[cheers and applause]
Time to shift things up a gear. What's the next task?
OK, off we go. It's time for destruction and desserts.
Hello.
Big dog in the house!
[she gasps]
Ooh, this is good territory.
That's got a lovely rise on it, actually.
Oh. [he chuckles]
[he laughs] "Destroy this cake."
Mmm.
It's a shame, though.
"Most beautiful destruction wins."
"You have 30 minutes. Your time starts now."
What I could do to it...
Hmm. Well, I just need, um...
I just need lots of... knives.
[he laughs]
Um, creepy.
Creepy mentioning knives and then... [eerie laugh]
Why?
Do you wanna start with the man and the knives?
Yeah, Creepy Knives Cake Man.
[Alex] OK, here is Hugh and the knives.
[laughter]
Beautiful.
It's a bit... Oh, no.
Beauty is very much in the eye of the beholder, isn't it?
[applause]
- You looked really sinister. - Really sinister.
The relish with which you sliced that cake up.
Like it was a body.
You claimed, at the time, Hugh, you turned it into a clock,
and then you said, "This is my showstopper," and you waltzed out.
[laughter]
I can't even remember doing that task.
I've no memory of that at all.
Exactly what a serial killer would say.
[laughter]
It's funny though, when I think "beauty",
when someone says the word "beauty" to me,
- What's the first thing you think? - Clocks. Clocks.
Clocks. Straight away.
Lolly? Do you want to look at Lolly?
- Yes. - OK.
[Alex] The youngest ever competitor in Taskmaster.
Thank you. I'm only 12.
[laughter]
- [Alex] Oh, that's lovely. - [Lolly] Mmm.
[Alex] Smells lovely.
- [Lolly] Mmm, it really does. - [Alex] It really does, yeah.
[everyone] Awww!
[applause]
What we've just seen is a powerful, powerful metaphor
for the age difference.
An emoticon, if you will.
That's what the kids do these days, mate.
They take a silly old cake and they turn it into something beautiful.
Send it out on their phones for the world to see.
[Greg] Really lovely.
Thank you.
Really, I've got nothing negative to say about it.
- Really sweet. - Thank you.
Joe. Let's see what Joe did.
- OK. Joe Lycett? - Yeah.
[quiet fizzing]
[Gustav Holst's The Planets: Venus plays]
- [Joe yelling in slow-mo] - [sweeping music continues]
[laughter]
Woooo!
- Oh, that is beautiful. - [applause]
[laughter]
[applause]
- Such a shame, that last moment. - I know!
It was a thing of true beauty.
It was like someone choreographing a ballet,
and then coming out onto the stage afterwards and having a shit.
I mean, that was truly spectacular, Joe.
[Greg] Truly.
So we've still got Noel and Mel's beautiful cake destruction to go.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where four comedians and ex-Bake Off presenter Mel...
[laughter]
are destroying cakes.
Alex, who's next?
It's Noel time. It's time for Noel.
Let's see how Noel beautifully destroyed his cake.
[laughter]
Wow.
[Noel laughs]
[Mel] Lovely.
[applause]
Yeah, I mean, beautiful.
Yeah, it didn't destroy the washing machine.
Didn't it?
But for three days after, some cake
kept coming up into the kitchen sink.
They seem to be... genuinely, for some reason, they're connected.
But it also means my washing, 'cause I wash,
when you let me, I wash some of my clothes in that machine.
You do.
So some of my dirty... will come up into your cups.
- Some of your...? - Some of my dirty.
Some of your "dirty"?
[laughter]
Yeah, I forgot a noun, but yeah, some of my dirty.
I don't think I want your dirty on my cups.
I didn't think you-- I didn't design it like that, I'm just saying that's how it is.
OK.
So I'm sorry about that.
We'll talk about your dirty later.
What cycle did you put it on?
Just a regular one.
Yeah, 40?
I wasn't trying to clean the cake.
[laughter]
Let's crack on and see Mel,
someone whose life has been dominated by cake for so long.
Don't say the C-word.
"Most beautiful destruction wins."
"You have 30 minutes. Your time starts now."
[laughter]
[laughter and applause]
[cheers and applause]
That is drawing a line under your Bake Off career.
"Yeah, you want me to destroy a cake?"
"Fuck you, cake. I'm off."
Such a shame about the little trip on the way out.
- [laughter] - [Greg] Such a shame.
She had half an hour. She used eight seconds of that.
[laughter]
So you've got to judge them now.
- Yeah, OK. Here I go. - OK.
I mean, Hugh's in last place.
I like Lolly's but I'm gonna put it in fourth.
What?
I think I'm just angry with you because you've
got so much of your life ahead of you, Lolly.
That's gonna happen sometimes.
That's gonna happen for every task.
Yeah.
There you go.
Hashtag tough shit!
[laughter]
I'm putting Mel in third place,
because whilst it was a fairly knee-jerk reaction,
there was some beauty to the rage behind it.
Noel, I could've sat and watched that cake
being destroyed in a washing machine for hours.
- I'm putting him in second place. - That's fair enough.
And how can I not put, despite his wanton ambition,
the beautiful firework display in first place?
Yay!
[cheers and applause]
So, shall we see how the scoreboard looks now, Alex?
OK, I've done it. The scoreboard looks just like this.
Noel Fielding's in the lead.
[applause]
Another task, please, Alex.
OK, and this one is set in the caravan on your driveway
that you sometimes let me live in.
It's a sort of mystery art task.
- [Greg] Lovely. - Oh, gosh, yes.
[laughter]
I do believe I can hear the postman.
Oh! I've got some mail!
"Create the best caricature of the person
on the other side of the curtain."
[whispers] Other side of the curtain...
Oh, this curtain.
"You may not--" [laughs]
"You may not look at the person."
"The person may only say yes and no."
"You'll get a bonus point if you can find out the person's full name."
"You have ten minutes. Your time starts now."
Hello, are you behind the curtain?
[woman] Yes.
[applause]
It's a good job there's not a limit
on the amount of questions you can ask.
That'd be a wasted question right there, wouldn't it?
Who's first?
Well, interestingly, I've grouped Joe,
Lolly, Mel and Noel together.
[Alex] So I've... I've...
[laughter]
You've isolated Hugh?
- I have isolated Hugh. - Interesting.
Yeah. Why would that be?
- Shall we see them? - Yes.
Hello.
Oh, wait. That's not a yes or no question, is it?
Hello! Are you a man?
[woman] No.
Are you a lady? You're a lady?
- [woman] Yes. - Yes!
- Are you a happy person? - Yes.
- Are you happy? - Yes.
I mean, in your life, in general.
- Have you got big eyes? - Yes.
- Do you have brown eyes? - Yes.
Are you a bit like a Disney character? Very, very big eyes?
[woman] No.
- Have you got brown hair? - No.
- Blonde hair? - No.
- Red hair? - No.
- White hair? - No.
- Do you have hair? - Yes.
- Crimped? Do you have crimped hair? - No.
- Do you have a bob? - No.
Curly? Wavy? Spiky? Plaited?
[woman] No.
- Do you have dreadlocks? - Yes.
Yaaay!
- Do you wear a scarf around your head? - Yes.
[she gasps] Woo-hoo-hoo!
- You sound very nice. Are you single? - No.
- Are you very pretty? - Yes!
- Do you have a necklace on? - Yes.
- Is it a big necklace? - No.
- Does it have a sort of amulet on it? - Yes.
Do you think it's a waste of my time asking you
- more questions about the necklace? - Yes.
OK.
- Have you got a roll-neck on-- - [whistle blows]
Argh!
[whistle blows]
[Noel laughs]
Absolutely lovely to meet you.
Can I shake hands through the curtain?
Ahh, bye! Oh, I could have felt you!
[laughter]
Goodbye, my friend.
Goodbye.
[applause]
I see you're taking your protest about pay on this show
to another level by stealing things.
I gave all of those things to charity.
Once I'd signed them.
- Let's have a look at some pictures. - OK, here are all four.
[scattered laughter]
So, I should say, Noel decided not to use the canvas.
He used the chopping board.
[laughter]
Any reason for that? Just felt right?
Something was telling me to go with a sort of natural base,
rather than paper, which is quite white and shocking.
I thought that's something a little bit more easy on the eye.
What do you think about Mel's one?
Well, I...
[laughter]
I think it's absolutely insane.
[laughter]
I mean, even as a caricature, that would mortify anyone.
I got the ears really in the wrong place.
- [Greg] Oh, is that what they are? - [Mel] They're ears!
I presumed they were horrific wounds.
Let's find out how the tragically isolated Hugh did after the break,
plus whether any of the five managed to find out the mystery model's name.
Welcome back to Taskmaster,
the show where five famous people
are fighting over a withered courgette that I once scribbled on.
Alex, caravan-based caricature?
Yes, that's right. So far we've seen Joe, Lolly, Mel and Noel
painting a woman that they couldn't see.
We don't know yet how accurate they've been,
nor have we seen how Hugh approached the task.
- Task. - Task.
- You ready? - Yes!
Let's see Hugh.
So I may not look at the person.
Am I allowed out of the caravan?
Why do you want to go out of the caravan, Hugh?
[audience groans]
I'm going lift the curtain to expose you.
I'm not looking at you.
I'm looking at you in a mirror.
Here goes the curtain.
- [Alex] Three minutes. - OK.
I'm gonna lift it again, 'cause I cannot really remember what's going on.
You've got two minutes left, Hugh.
[Hugh] OK.
Right, I'll do that...
It's not really a caricature, is it? It's a... [he laughs]
Quick look at the old arm.
Coming again.
[Alex] Ten seconds.
I think I'm just gonna stop now.
[whistle blows]
Yes, if you would. Thank you, Hugh.
- [Hugh] I enjoyed that one. - Can I just have a look in your mirror?
I think I'm looking at you.
No, no, that doesn't-- You're not looking at me.
You're looking at the image of me.
It looks like you.
Yeah, no, but it's the image of me.
It's like looking at a film. It's exactly the same principle.
- I'm looking at you. - You're not.
I'm not looking at me.
Now you're looking at me.
Now you're looking at a mirror.
Now you're looking at me.
Now you're looking in a mirror.
- Where are you looking now? - I'm back at school.
OK.
You can't touch me, can you, by doing that?
Oh, no. I've touched the mirror.
You've touched the mirror.
I see what you mean.
- So that's not me. - Yes, it is.
No, that's not me. That's an image.
[laughter and applause]
I don't know. I genuinely don't know how I feel about it.
When we get muddled, we listen to Michael Jackson, don't we?
And he was looking at "the man in the mirror", he wasn't looking at
- "Michael Jackson in the mirror." - He wasn't.
- So I think it's probably alright. - Yeah, I'm...
It would've been a rubbish song,
"I'm looking at me in the mirror."
[laughter]
"I'm asking me to change his ways."
Of course, he didn't change his ways, did he?
[laughter and groans]
I tell you what, I'm still not sure whether to allow it...
If Hugh's drawing of the model is spectacular,
then I think we can allow it.
OK, do you want to see what she looked like first?
- Probably, yeah. - OK, this is her.
[Alex] OK?
And do you want to see her next to Hugh's picture of her?
Well, I can't imagine that that lady would look
any less distinctly like that lady in a mirror.
Well, yeah, Hugh look at the image of her
in the mirror several times, and he drew this.
[laughter]
[Hugh] There she is.
[applause]
I realise...
[laughter]
- [Hugh] She was sitting side-on. - [Greg] Yeah.
Oh, you've got the aspect right.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But for you, what we've learnt, Hugh,
is that a mirror image takes a black woman...
into a fat, bald, white man.
[laughter]
I mean, in many ways, it is the Michael Jackson story.
[laughter and applause]
It's really good.
I mean, in many ways, it's the best thing I've ever seen on this show.
Well, do you want to see all five and then you can judge them?
I don't need to judge who's fucking last.
Oh, that's so unfair. Again?
OK, well here are all five for you, Greg. Here we go.
Terrible!
They're all terrible.
[Alex] In first place?
[Greg] Well, in first place, I'm gonna put Noel,
because it's a decent drawing, you know.
Well done, Noel.
I'm gonna put Joe in second place,
- [Lolly] What?! - because it looks vaguely human.
[Greg] Then I'll put Lolly's withered baby in third.
Mel's flat-faced abomination.
And... you know, I mean...
Where else can I put Hugh's fat, bald, white man...
but in last place?
That's fair.
Alex, we don't actually know the model's name yet,
and they got a bonus point for guessing the name correctly.
This is how they got on. Here we go.
Does your name start with a vowel?
[woman] No.
Does it begin with a letter in the first half of the alphabet?
[woman] Yes.
- Does your name begin with B? - No.
OK, I'm gonna go through the letters of the alphabet.
- D? - No.
- E? - No.
- F? - No.
- G? - No.
- H? - No.
- I? - No.
- J? - Yes.
J...
- Jemima? Jemma? - No, no.
- Joanna? - No.
- Jas? Jasmine? - No.
- Julie? - No.
- Julia? - No.
I've run out of names. [he laughs]
Er...
- [Lolly] Not Jemima. - No.
- Jennifer? - Yes.
- Jennifer Coolidge! - No.
- Does your surname begin with A? - No.
- Geraldine? - No.
That's a G. [he laughs]
- U, V... - No, no.
- W? - Yes.
"J.W."
Jonty Williams.
[Jennifer] No.
- Start with L? - No.
- N? - No.
- M? P? - No.
[whistle blows]
- Jasmine? - No.
[whistle blows]
[Noel laughs]
What was her name?
- Er, Helen... - Yes?
Robertson.
Can you write down your full name?
- [Jennifer] Yes. - Thank you.
Right. Here we are.
Jennifer Christine Wright.
Thank you, Hugh.
[cheers and applause]
- [Mel] Lateral, lateral. - [Hugh] At last!
Something has paid off!
[laughter]
Wow.
Jennifer Christine Wright.
Mel also got that, just from guessing, eventually.
Did I?
Well, your first two "J" guesses were Jocasta and Jonty.
[laughter]
Whereas Lolly...
Yeah, Lolly...
You got Jennifer, and then straight in...
Coolidge.
[Greg] Jennifer Coolidge, bang.
Who is Stiffler's mum in American Pie, right?
[laughter]
"It's a Jennifer..."
"It's gonna be Stiffler's mum from American Pie."
"Oh, Jennifer. They're gonna go route one here."
Noel found out that it was a beautiful name and left it there.
No bonus points.
- Did I get Wright? - [Alex] Yes.
- Jennifer Wright, and I got that right? - [Alex] Yes.
- Lovely bonus point. - Lovely.
To go with all your other delicious points that you've got.
Who else got bonus points, then?
- Just Hugh. - Just Hugh?
That brings me up to five in total.
Yeah, it brings him up to four in total.
[laughter]
- You can see the scoreboard there. - I thought I had more than four. Did I not?
- [Hugh] Oh, OK. - [Alex] Just four, I'm afraid.
There is one more task to go.
Good. Can we have that task, please?
Yes. It's a case of felling ducks.
Ooooh.
Hello!
Ahh. Oh...
[Alex] Hello, Mel.
- [Alex] Very nice. - It's my Taskmaster salute.
- Hello. - [Alex] Hello, Lolly.
"Fell all the rubber ducks."
Oh, my God. [he laughs]
"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts when the first rubber duck falls."
So I'm fine for time now because nothing has started?
Right, OK.
Is this because of my outfit? Is this why this has happened?
[Alex] Yeah.
They probably think that I'm their leader.
Hi, guys.
[applause]
Yes, because when the ducks' leader does emerge,
it'll be a man with a skeleton on a nuclear suit.
We're gonna look at Joe first.
I should say, they had to do the felling behind the rope.
But they could stray in front of the rope
to set up their felling technique. OK?
[Alex] Here is Joe Lycett's felling.
Yeah, I can do some good work with that.
Yep. I've gone a bit dizzy.
Does this...?
Oh, shut up!
- [laughter] - Good run-up with that...
Just keeps going!
Oh, my God! There's a bowling ball!
There's a bloody bowling ball in there!
Ho-ho-ho-hoo!
This is it, mate.
"Fail to prepare, prepare to fail."
So the time starts from when the first duck falls?
- [Alex] Yeah. - So, actually...
Feasibly, it could all be over in a few seconds.
That's the plan.
Yes, yes, yes!
Oh dear, oh dear.
[laughter]
Argh!
Yes yes yes yes!
Argh!
- [laughter] - Fuck.
Argh!
Ugh!
- [cheers and applause] - YES! YES!
Oh, my God. I feel so alive.
[applause]
It's amazing how quickly something can go
from some real precision planning...
It was like an episode of The A-Team for about two minutes.
"I'm gonna use these implements!" and then...
we just flip into someone having a mental breakdown.
[laughter]
Effective, though.
Yeah, he knocked them all over in one minute 56,
and then said he felt absolutely great about his performance.
Wow. Lovely.
One 56. I don't know how that stacks up, but it feels good.
Felt good on the day.
I thought it'd be nice to look at Hugh now.
Ah, lovely.
Oh, it's elastic, this thing, isn't it?
[Alex] The clock has started.
[Alex] Stop the clock.
[applause]
That wasn't nearly as much fun as I thought it was going to be.
And that is the magic of this show.
Someone who looks they are going to humiliate themselves
across the series can suddenly be back in the game.
It's like Billy Elliot.
[laughter]
So it was 8.9 seconds, faster than Usain Bolt.
He doesn't do that, though, does he?
- No, different disciplines. - No, the two don't compare.
- [Alex] No. - [Greg] Yeah.
Well done.
[laughter]
Thanks.
It's time for a break now, but get excited,
because in the last part of the show
we'll see Lolly, Mel and Noel felling ducks,
all of them take to the stage for the final task of the show,
plus the lucky winner will be heading home
with some rotten, ink-stained vegetables.
Hello! Thanks for coming back.
It's the final part of the show and there's a task that still needs completing.
What was happening before the break, Alex?
Well, they've been felling ducks, Greg.
Joe was quite quick, Hugh was even quicker, but what about the others?
Well, it's time to see Noel and Mel grouped together.
[Greg] Lovely.
Oh, God.
- [laughter] - [Mel laughs]
Oh, no!
I can't get the purchase.
Am I anywhere near them?
It keeps on getting caught! I'm gonna have to rethink.
How am I gonna make these buggers fell?
Oh, yes, yes, yes!
Right, boom.
Yes! Two down!
This is gonna be impossible.
That's it.
The ducks...
[duck squeaks]
He's annoying me, that one there.
Nice.
[she groans]
Should've done that first of all!
[Alex] Have you found a way, Mel?
I think I have, my darling.
Boom.
[duck squeaks]
And then, oh hello! Hello, swingy!
Swingy with elastic!
Boom.
[applause]
Very interesting to see how the human mind works under pressure, isn't it?
Mm-hm.
In your mind, Mel, I imagine swinging that ball on that piece of rope...
It was gonna be first row, second row, low row, and out.
All in one move!
All in one move, in me mind's eye.
- [Greg] Yeah. - I was Fatima Whitbread.
You both got there using the technique
known as "The Dennis" in the end.
But you both also had the instinct,
"I'm gonna deal with these one duck at a time."
I was pretty much picking out ducks I didn't like the look of.
Respectable, Noel. Four minutes 50 total.
- [Mel] That's good! - Whereas Mel, seven minutes 25,
which is more than four seconds per duck.
[laughter]
Despite her devastating windmill technique.
- One to go. - One to go.
Lolly Adefope.
She's been isolated. Good news or bad?
- Bad. - Oh.
[laughter]
Can I use the hose?
- [Alex] Do whatever you want, Lolly. - OK.
I think the hose isn't working.
So, the issue is that the ducks are too far away.
If we can move the ducks closer...
and still use the hose...
One... two... three...
Lift!
That's great.
[Alex] You gonna go for it?
- Yeah. - I'm ready with the clock.
[Alex] Oh, first one's gone!
[duck squeaks]
[Alex] Stop the clock!
[cheers and applause]
If there were style points available,
then ducks would want to be knocked off with water,
so it's really beautiful.
What intrigues me is you realised the hose wasn't powerful enough,
and then you very cleverly thought, "I'll bring the ducks closer to me."
But you didn't bring them very close.
I was really worried they were gonna knock over.
"Nah, I'm gonna do this in a sporting way."
I like a challenge.
She was second quickest with one minute and 2 seconds.
- [Joe] Oh, wow! - [Me] Stop it!
[applause]
So in last place was Mel, then Noel, Joe, Lolly,
and Hugh of course, the winner.
I think I'll still be bottom, though, don't you?
You're certainly not gonna win.
[Hugh] Yeah.
Oh, he's well in the last, yeah.
Well in last place.
[applause]
Right, we're nearing the end of the show,
but there's one challenge remaining.
Please can you all head to the stage for the last task of the show!
[Greg] There they are, on stage for the first time.
Interesting mix of human beings, isn't it?
Mel, would you read out the final task to your enemies?
"Make the most juice."
"You must pick one fruit and one tool."
"If you pick the same tool as someone else, you must juice blindfolded."
"If you pick the same fruit as someone else, you must juice one-handed."
"If you pick same fruit and tool as someone else,
you must juice blindfolded, one-handed and bouncing up and down."
[laughter]
"You have one minute."
Well, I think that's clear to everyone.
- [Joe] What do you define as "juice"? - [Mel] Thanks, my love.
What do I define as "juice"?
I didn't really follow that last bit.
- You're gonna choose... - [laughter]
Signposts, you've got signposts.
Choose your tool and fruit with the signpost.
The name of the tool or the fruit.
- Hold them up to your chest. - [Greg] To your chest, obviously.
So the audience can see them?
No, the opposite.
[laughter]
It's interesting, isn't it, because Alex's tone is that this is all obvious.
[laughter]
- Isn't a coconut a nut, not a fruit? - [Alex] Oh, God.
[laughter]
You have to pick a tool, Hugh.
- I don't. - You do.
You have to use a tool.
I've got knives!
[laughter]
So, right hand fruit, if you can show me.
Hugh, what fruit?
Pineapple. Joe?
Pineapple. Lolly?
- Grapes. - [Greg] Lovely.
Mel, lime. Noel?
Grapes. OK, so everyone except for Mel is juicing one-handed.
[Greg] OK.
Hugh, what tool will you be using?
[Alex] Tweezers.
Pineapple, hammer.
Grapes and... another hammer.
- Lime, shoe. - Shoe.
And grapes... tweezers.
[Greg] Tweezers?!
[Alex] That's unlucky, Hugh.
I did not in my wildest fantasies think anyone
else would choose fucking tweezers.
We've got blindfolds here
- [Hugh] Yep. - because of double tweezers.
At the end there. Yes.
Double tweezers, blindfold. Simple.
And double hammer blindfolds.
Double hammers, blindfolds.
So Mel has done very well, if she can juice a lime with a shoe.
Which is a sentence that in the history of humankind
will never be uttered again.
[laughter]
Everyone, one hand behind the back, except for Mel.
- [Mel] Except for me! - [Noel] Me as well?
Because you doubled up your grapes with Lolly Adefope.
[Greg] Yeah, the rules were made very clear.
[laughter]
Let's juice!
[laughter]
[Alex] Juicing your grapes with a hammer...
Five seconds left!
Three, two, one!
Let's stop juicing! [blows whistle]
[cheers and applause]
Right, well, Alex, calculate the amount of juice collected.
Let's bring you all down and see how that's affected the final scores.
[Mel] Oh dear!
Great celebrity juicing, Alex. How did they do?
Well, shall we start with the grapes guys,
- Lolly and Noel? - [Greg] Yep.
Very calmly just patted their grapes.
Lolly made 0.4 of a millilitre of grape juice.
[Alex] And Noel, two millilitres of wine, I suppose.
Then what happened?
These two guys, the bucket men...
I measured the amount of juice that was in the shards
of Hugh's glass, 'cause Hugh put it in his pocket
and it obviously immediately broke.
What do you mean, "obviously immediately broke"?
What glass in human history has broken
immediately on putting it in a pocket?
Plastic.
But he managed to get four millilitres in there,
of pineapple juice. I know!
What, in the shards?
Well, there was so much pineapple spraying around,
lots of it went in the shards.
And Joe was just left with three millilitres,
but Mel and Shoe, she got, um...
[laughter and applause]
She delicately and craftily squeezed seven millilitres of lime juice.
[cheers and applause]
[Alex] So Mel wins the task.
Alright then, Alex, what's that done to the final scoreboard?
Well, Hugh and Lolly are tied in last place,
and there's only one point separating the top two.
- This week's winner is Noel Fielding! - [Greg] Noel Fielding!
[cheers and applause]
All that's left is for you to go up and grab your veg.
Noel Fielding, ladies and gentlemen!
[cheers and applause]
Well, there we are, Alex. One down.
That's right. I love you and I love my wife equally.
[laughter]
So, what have we learnt today?
Well, we've learnt if you're thinking of being Hugh Dennis' baby,
it don't matter if you're black or white.
We've also found at that the winner of the
first episode of series four of Taskmaster
is none other than Mr Noel Fielding!
Thank you, everybody! See you next time.
[subtitles by tribbletown]