Previously on accidentally on purpose...
I'm thinking of going out with a guy
who may be significantly younger than me,
And I just need to know If the situation is empowering or desperate?
- Is he over 18? - Yeah.
Empowering.
I'm just not a one-night stand kind of person.
I just never do things like this.
So this is the spot where ...
- Yep. - Okay.
Your first pregnancy test. That's adorable.
- My god,a nursery - Shane did the bears.
He's better at skulls,but we went with the bears.
I really like what you bring to my apartment.
- You want me to stay? - Yeah.
I miss you.
You should miss me I'M fantastic.
Remember our whole boundaries conversation?
Yeah,but when you said "dont touch my stuff,"
I thought you meant like your soy milk and your computer.
No,I meant "don't touch my stuff.
Baby?
Yeah,she's having my baby. Cool,huh?
- What - I've got to update my facebook status.
Oh,yeah.
I assumed video figure skating would be physically hard.
I had no idea it would be this emotionally demanded.
Dude, why are you playing as a girl?
Because when I spin around,my skirt comes up.
I'd like to see that.
You got a tight little cartoon butt.
You know,at first I wasn't really down
With you moving in with pregnant lady.
I mean,this setup is so much better than my place.
No roaches,no mold...
It's a box. Billie! Box!
Oh,did you see that?!
Did you see me stick that landing?
Yeah. You look good as a small Asian woman
I think it's from your office.
Oh,it's from james,my ex-boyfriend.
He sent my stuff back.
All the little remders That I purposefully left
at his house Have now been returned to me.
Well,that's kind a kick in the nuts.
That is the move of a true breakup master.
No cds hitting you in the head,No chicks doing little chick punching.
Yep,this is definitely how I'm gonna break up With my first girlfriend.
Dude,enough.
All I'm saying is,if she was remotely good in bed,
He would have delivered the box himself So he could hit that one more ti-- ow!
What the heck was that?
My chick punch.
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accidentally on purpose S01E04
He mailed you the box?
Oh,that is the work of a breakup master.
So I've heard.
Why did I date the breakup master?
Why can't I meet the relationship master?
Oh,n-n-n-no. So did you open the box?
No,it's too painful.
The only way I'd be able to do that is If I get plastered first,
but I can't do that Because,apparently,that's bad for the baby.
Mama loves you.
James
Uh,yes,bob,Uh i understand your point of view.
There's nothing in your ear.
I,uh,had a chip installed.
I got your lovely box.
So we're good? Great.
I'm just glad that douche is out of her life,
with his car And his man-tan and his...
Package delivery service.
Zack,you are right down the hall from her
And you're a good guy and she's having your baby And bang--
just like that,he's married.
Come on,that-that is insane.
No,it's not. Know why?
'Cause it happen to my cousin Earl
Oh,I heard that dude was a player.
Was.
You want to know what he plays with now?
His kids.
Guys,guys,don't stress him out.
She's not going to try to marry him.
She's just going mold him Into a boring,
funless drone,
whose sole purpose in life Is to accompany her to the fabric store.
I mean,shark week? That's canceled.
Peeing in the sink? Finished.
I mean...
She's going to have your balls in a bear trap.
But other than that,you are all good.
Wonder if james is already dating someone else.
Maybe she needs the drawer.
She probably has a lot of stuff.
You guys are great.
It's going to be okay.
You know what?
Yore right,because in all romantic comedies,
Thheroine starts out in a very bad place,
Ke in ghost,demi moore's-- her fianc�� was killed,
Or in 50 first dates,drew barrymore had a head injury.
In pretty woman Julie Roberts is a freaking hooker
The worse it is at the beginning,
The happier the ending.
The gentleman overhere sent you a drink.
Oh,my god. Chills.
I had a terrle day,I got the box,
But now I'm moving ahead and a guy sent me a drink--
Which I can't have,but still...
Holy yes,batman.
I'm going to unbutton this button And go over and thank him.
What? No,put those away.
What if he asks you out?
You're saying it wrong.
What if he asks u out?
It's settled. I'm going in.
Oh,look at her .
She's giving him her number.
Hair toss,hair toss,And walk away...
- And... - He asked me out.
Ab,get that snarl off your face
And laugh like I just said something funny.
Are you at least going to tell him you're pregnant?
At some point. But if you don't shuup,I'm going to strangle you.
I would really like to see that.
What about zack?
Are you at least going tell him You're going to start dating?
Of course.
Now I am.
Do it with your topff.
I've delivered a lot of bad news that way.
I have got some bad news.
I,uh,slept with your best friend.
Phil,your ipod fell down the toilet.
They closed the chili's next to the office.
Zack,do ?
Ere comes a time in every pregnant woman's life
When she has to ask herself...
...Would zack be uncomfortable if I started dating people?
Wow--no.
I did not see that coming.
So you're okay with it?
Yeah! Look at you,bouncing back from the box,
And in a way I did not expect
Well,look at you, dealing with this In a way I did not expect.
'cause this is working like a well-oid machine.
A baby-making-- but in a platonic relationship--
Well-oiled machine.
So I've never dated a lawyer before.
You going put me on the stand?
I'll put you wherever you want.
Okay.
I'm really glad I se that drink over.
M having a great time.
Me,too.
So,john...
What if you were watching a movie...
About an incredibly handsome lawyer Out on a date
with a witty,effervescent movie critic...
And allf a sudden she says,"i'm pregnant"?
You'd watch that,right?
Are you egnant?
A teeny,tiny bit.
Were you pregnant when we met?
Not as much.
So he reacted very badly to the fact that I was pregnant.
How badly?
Well,he was so anxious to leave,He walked into a glass door.
Which was funny,but...
Zack is with a girl on my couch,and,apparently,
She's telling him bad news because her top is off.
Hello...
Hey.
hey,I'm heather.
I'm the hostess over at zack's rtaurant.
I sat you the other night.
Um,table 32.
Yes,yes.
I didn't recognize you without your name tag,
Which is normally on your top.
Zack,can I see you in the kitchen
About some important kitchen topics?
What's up?
W-w-what are you doing?
I'm on a date.
Dates happen outside the home.
When you have money.
Are you sure you're ok with this?
Because you're not acting like ha of a well-oiled machine.
I am. What do you want me to do - help you get her pants off?
- Is that a real question? - No.
Okay,okay,look,We'll,we'll just stay out of the living room. All ght?
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup. I just need to know something.
Does it bother this girl at all
That I'm about know to have your baby?
No,that's what's so great about this.
She thinks it's cool I'm sticking around,
So thanks to you,I'm like a hero.
Glad I could help.
So... How'd it go with the Ho-ho-hostess cupcake?
Did you get to the creamy center?
Very subtle,dude.
Thank you.
Well,I took her back to my room and then--
You know how it's going to be the nursery With the bears on the wall?
So you're said the bears talked you out of it?
Okay,first of all,I didn't say they talked.
And it was just one bear.
The other one was kind of cool.
And weren't you listening?
Did you eat one of those special brownies I left in the freezer?
They're not in the freezer.
You're making them right now.
Excuse me,time and space police.
I don't know,man. Evething in the nursery
reminds me I'm going to be dad, and what can I say?
I just didn't want to do it in there.
So take her to your van.
I love having sex in your van.
Okay,how's this for my online dating profile?
"slightly pregnant woman seeks mate."
Okay for the record,I object to this whole thing,and...
- Hey,how about this one? - Okay.
"single mother-to-be likes to dance?"
And I think any guy who would want
To go out with a pregnant woman is going to be weird.
And you should listen to me,because I'm your sister.
And I'm the only one here in a mature,committed relationship.
However,I will say that headline is adorable.
Yay,and done. And send it.
- Hey,do you have a knife? - Yeah.
'cause apparently,Not only is this box hard to open emotionall
It's also hard open physically.
Wow,that's a lot of knives.
They're my chef's knives.
what u doing? Looks ke you're covering the bears.
Yeah. You know those adult hotels
That have those different rooms to have sex in?
Like the jungle room and the heart-shaped room And the mirrored room?
Well,none of them have the nursery room.
Well,at least you go.
All I got was a handshake and a,"good luck th that."
Man,it's hard to date when you're havi a baby.
Yeah,it sucks.
This is a weird conversation,huh?
Well,it's the first time I've had it.
Ah,yes,got it. Here's your knife. It's a little gluey.
Yay.
- Want me to leave? - No,please don't.
This box contains the memories
Of the most meaningf relationship I've ever had.
Yeah,well,just for the record,
That guy's a giant douche.
And... Go.
And... open the box.
See? That wasn't so bad.
No,you're right.
Couple of earrings,half a deodorant.
Condoms?
Oh,minty floss.
Holy crap.
Sweet.
- These aren't mine. - Douche.
Good morning.
- Up or down? - Going down
So,when I got that box...
Here we go.
I was scared to open it,you know?
Because I thought it was gonna bring up all Of these emotions and regrets,
Like,maybe I made a huge mistake breaking up with you,
But then,surprise!
Another woman's underwear!
- Billie... - I just want to know.
Did our relationship mean anything to you?
Because if it did,u wouldn't have put Another woman's underwear in my box.
- Can I get a word in here? - Sure.
- Okay,first... - No,I changed my mind. It doesn't matter.
'cause you know what I should be doing?
Thanking you.
Thank you for saving me from a lifetime Of
finding other people's underwear in my boxes.
And for your information,I'm going on a date tonight.
with a man. another man. a great man.
They're yours.
We bought them that day in paris.
Okay. How about... These?
Whatever.
I am-- how do you say-- Tipsy?
So,how are you?
Still all handsome and stuff?
What do you think of me?
I mean,it didn't work out between us,
But I would never intentionally hurt you.
You broke up with me.
I guess...
Getting that stuff back just hit me harder Than I realized.
- Hey,you want your underwear? - Sure.
So,awkward high-five?
I hope this date turns out to be all you're looking for.
I have a good feeling about it.
so,about my internet date.
Um,he's married.
And on top of that,hiwife's pregnant,too,
And we have the same doctor,And I asked him to leave.
Uh,just plop 'em both down here.
And bring some ketchup,too.
I don't want to say,"i told you s" But I told you so,good-bye.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
He ordered lobster and left,and you like this place. Come down here.
I will take a passn that.
Why? You love lobsr.
Well,because,as I said eaier,I am in a healthy,
mature relationship,And I am having sex with my husband rightnow.
Okay! All right!
Then why did you answer the phone?
Because I've entered several sweepstakes.
Oh! Okay.
Hi,james.
I feel bad about the elevator yelling.
And I'm at that place we love on fillmore.
My date ended early for classy reasons,and...
I wanted to buy you a drink
To thank you fobuying me the underwear,
Which turned out to be surprisingly breathable.
Hey.
What r u doin' here?I thought you were on a date.
I was.
How'd it go?
This van is great!
And... No bears.
Anyway,abby called,And she kept on saying,
"okay,all right," Which was strange...
...But whatever.
Um,I thought you might like some company.
Is the gentleman joining you?
Yeah,okay.
So...
Your date left early.
I gotta tell ya,
There's a reason why Julia roberts was never pregnant
and single In any one of her movies.
Turns out it's a lot harder to overcome than being a hooker.
Billie...
Don't worry about it.
You arbeautiful,and you're funny,
And you got a cool job,Awesome tv,insurance.
Any guy would be lucky to have you.
Well,in a stunning reversal,This has now become a good night.
To more weird conversations and fewer boxes.
And to you buying me a new knife.
- yeah. - Seriously. It's destroyed.
Thanks.
You got two desserts?
Shut up.
Psst! Zack!
How long am I supposed to wait in the van?
Is is some excellent food,pregnant lady.
That's just 'cause you're more baked Than the food you're eating.
No no,you can tell. This food comes from a classy place.
You know,like the kind of place that puts ice in the urinals.
I love peeing on ice.
It's like having laser heat eyes,but with your pee.
Did I say that thing about my pee out loud,Or just think it?
You just thought it.
Wait a minute. Then how do you know that I asked you that?
Ask us what?
Are we talking right now?
Seriously,can anyone hear me?!
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accidentally on purpose S01E04