Here we go!
Ooh. Aah!
Bloody hell, Steve.
Britain's Got More Talent...
Still no awards.
And I became a...
# Back to entertain you! #
George Shelley of former Union J fame thought it was...
I never said that.
Thanks, George Shelley of former Union J fame.
I am now in charge.
Eurostar!
There's stomach churning.
Don't, mate. Seriously, I'll go.
And someone is returning!
(BLEEP)
It will leave you feeling like you've just found a fiver.
Guys, I have just found a fiver in my pocket. What a touch!
Welcome to Britain's Got More Talent, where Simon is running late
and so, after ten painful years of doing this show, he's finally given me the job I've always wanted.
Judge room, I have a special announcement.
I am now in charge.
I've also got a siren button. (SIREN WAILS)
Is this real?
Could you read that for me? Stephen Mulhern in charge.
Could you read that, please?
Hi, Stevie, star of stage and screen, it's Simon.
I'm leaving you in charge to look after the girls. With about a thousand kisses.
Yes, but hang on. Unusually, he's put a heart on an aubergine.
You need...
Stop ruining -Right. Now who's in charge?
One of the minions, go and... I'm gonna get my charge button!
Where is David Walliams?
Still in charge. Can I direct you, please?
Yeah, of course. Right. Face the camera. Finger...
Finger to the mouth.
Oh, yeah.
(SIREN WAILS) Still in charge.
You didn't need to get more annoying. You know that?
Try and do three poses with the siren on. Go!
Pose No.1. (SIREN WAILS)
Still in charge. Two? (SIREN WAILS)
Three?
He's done it. We're out.
I am in charge. Amanda, can you kiss Alesha, please?
You've got to do everything I say.
Hello? You need to kiss her! (SIREN WAILS)
(SIREN STOPS)
Go on, then. Actually, we could do an Eskimo kiss.
Oh, lovely.
Happy?Again, please. One more time.
(GIGGLES) Lovely.
Still in charge. Even though Simon has...
has returned.
I've decided to change a couple of things. Are you OK with that? Tell me.
Bring it in, boys!
That's it.
After ten years, I need to have my own station.
Are you serious? Yeah.
I've got my own little star.
(LAUGHTER)
Look at that!
(FANFARE)
All the bulbs work. There's a lightbulb out!And my own chair.
OK. Where's the megaphone? And I'm beside you.
So we're all good. I'll just see how it feels.
I actually don't like this.
What? (CACKLES)
David? Hm?
We've got a problem. Can you see what the problem is? Yeah.
(LAUGHS)You're too tall.
Well, I can't see myself. Well, that's probably for the best, isn't it? Let's be honest.
I can't do that. Well, you can.
(CHUCKLES)
As I am in charge - Hm? ..can you feed me?
Yeah. Sure.
Open wide.
Sorry. Open wide.
Sorry.You're not even aiming for my mouth. I am, I am, I am.
Open wide.
(LAUGHTER)
My next bit of direction for you is can you do my job for a moment, please?
If you can just do 'unbelievable' and then walk out of the shot.
Cue.
Unbelievable.
Absolute...
The judges may not be following my instructions, but our first act definitely will.
No. We can't.Yes, you can. I'm in charge! No. We definitely can't. Unbelievable!
I'm Kailum and I'm 16.I'm Elliott and I'm 16. Together, we're AYD.
So tell me something really interesting about each other,
that's gonna hopefully hold our viewer.
Cos at the moment they've got that remote.
Right. What's interesting?Just trying to think of something interesting about us.
We can do this. Let's think. Let's think. Something that is interesting.
We've added some music. (JAUNTY MUZAK)
Right.Just to...
Just to cover it. What's interesting about us?To cover this moment.
Er...
He wears extra large clothing.
(MUSIC FADES)
(GIGGLING)
We're getting there.
Go on.
Er...
How often does he...
I don't know if you can hear, but he is saying stuff under his breath.
(PHONE RINGS)
Keep going, guys. Hello?
16?Oh!
The viewers have lost the will to live.
Get that music back on - quick! (MUSIC RESUMES)
Er... We came to the conclusion -
Right. ..that - Are you confident with this?
We're very confident.Brilliant. Final answer, as well.
Come on! Hit it big time!
Come on. You can do it. Right.Yeah, so...
Kailum has to cut his toenails with scissors.
(MUSIC FADES)
Is that... Is that interesting? That's what I'm thinking.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
What are your names?I'm Elliott. And I'm Kailum.
So tell me something about yourselves.Erm...
Erm, we're basically a dance duo from Newark.
Good.Brilliant.Whenever you're ready. Good luck.Thank you very much.
(APPLAUSE)
# Ohh # Give it to me! #
Good.
(CHEERING)
Yeah!
(WHISTLES)
(CHEERING)
(GIRLS SCREAM)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Yes, I liked you two.
You were fantastic dancers. You've got great chemistry together.
It was a tiny bit rough around the edges, but that was part of the charm.Boo!
Well, it was quite a mild criticism, dear!
(LAUGHTER)
To be honest with you guys, I thought that was a bit sloppy, obvious.
Seen that a million times.
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
So I'm not jumping out of my chair, I'm afraid.
You know, it was a good... It was a solid audition.
I felt entertained and I like the fact you're not taking yourselves too seriously.
BOTH: Thank you. Simon?
No, I'm afraid.
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
I'm going to say yes.
(CHEERING) David?
I'm going to say yes.
I'm going to give you a chance. I'm going to say yes.
Thank you. Yay!Yeah!
AYD!
Nice one, guys. Well done. Thank you very much.
You must be very happy. Yeah, yeah, we are. Buzzing.
Shall we do a doosh? Let's do a doosh.
ALL: Doosh!
Good work. Well, my doosh was a bit bad, but...
What? My doosh was a bit bad.
Who could do the better doosh out of the both of you?
Me.Well, let's... Oh.
That was a bit confident. That was a bit confident.
I tell you what, it's the doosh-off!
Right. Let's go. Right.
Who is going first? You go first. You go first.OK.
We'll flip a coin.
It's not really a coin, but pretend. Heads or tails?
Tails.Heads.
(LAUGHTER) (SIGHS)
What are the chances?
What are the chances? Right...
I'll count you in. One...
Doosh!
That wasn't bad. So that's the one you've got to beat.
This is it! This is the final of the doosh-off!
Go!
Doosh.
Look at it go.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
Right. I know what you're thinking.
I know what you're thinking. Who has won?
Who cares? (LAUGHTER)
Oh, wow! Bonjour!
You and him are wasting everybody's time.You want some?
Probably...
Welcome back to Britain's Got More Talent
and with the search for talent taking a break,
I turned to tracking down two of our talented talent-spotting judges.
Good news. Oh, yes?
Our one viewer has stuck with us.
So we're trying to work out who our one viewer is.
I'm gonna ask you a couple of questions. What do you think they're like?
They probably collect string for a hobby.
They might have an assortment of anoraks.
What sort of features do you think they'll have?
Gnarled. Probably difficult to tell if it's a man or a woman.
(LAUGHS)Maybe a beard, but not like a fashionable beard.
More like a...more like his, really.
Do you think they've got all their fingers? No. They probably have six.
This is interesting...
Where do you think they live? A cave.
As you walk in, how would you describe it?
The first thing would be the smell that hits you.
And they're probably living in a sort of feral way.
Do you think they've got pets? Yes. They'll have reptiles
and they'll be feeding them dead mice every day.
Their hobbies? I think they're probably a murderer.
Ooh...
You know what that is? Hot potato.
Can you draw a little diagram as to who you think -
I'm not good at drawing, I'll be honest with you.
I'll hold it for you. That makes it easier (!)
Now I'm brilliant at drawing, I'm Picasso (!)
(LAUGHS) Cos you are holding it.
# NOVELTONES - LEFT BANK TWO # If you've just tuned in,
David is now drawing a picture of who he thinks our one viewer is.
And you know who you are.
Fingers crossed.
There you go. And er... (LAUGHS)
Well, there you go. That's what our viewer looks like.
(LAUGHTER)
It's like looking in a mirror.
After David's drawing,
let's continue our journey of artistic sophistication with...
a drag queen and a man holding a rubber chicken.
It's our old pal, Ivor Dehaney.
Hello! How are you doing?
I'm fine. How about you? How are you doing?
So tell me about this chicken.
# THE TRASHMEN - SURFIN' BIRD #
I recognise you. I recognise you!
It's good to see you. Here we go.
What are you holding a cockerel for?
Mr Chicken here will hopefully make sure that I don't chicken out
of doing the act today in front of the good judges.
That's a little pun.
You've been here for quite a few years.
First year was...2008.
2009. 2008? 2009. No. '10? '10?
Hey, stop it.Should we have a little look back? Please do.
Come on. (MULTIPLE BUZZERS)
Quite a short montage. (PHONE RINGS)
Hang on a second. Hello?
It's the RSPCA. Oh, no...
Are we in trouble?What are you doing with the animals?
Well, I'm gonna - The plastic ones.
The plastic ones, I'm gonna be erm, wringing it.
Oh, dear. That doesn't sound too good, does it?
It...it's the shape they don't like.
(SQUEAKS)
This will be the last time I'm going to be auditioning as an auditionee
on Britain's Got Talent.Don't tell me that.
Can we have some sad music? Tell them why you're not going to come back.
(SAD MUSIC PLAYS) It's because I'm making a film called Oh, No! Ivor The Dance King
Tries To Save The World!
Yeah!
(MUSIC STOPS) That's very aggressive...
Get off me! Quick, quick!
Stop it!
(SQUEAKS) Stop it.
But anyway - I'll hold it.
Yeah, you hold it. You hold it, you hold it.
Go on, carry on. And, well, of course I'm making this fictitious film
about chickens attacking humans, then we came across a malevolent force
that wants to destroy and take over the world by turning the rest of the world into monsters.He's right.
# THE TRASHMEN - SURFIN' BIRD #
(APPLAUSE)
Hello.
Hello. Good to see you all. Good king Simon.
Amanda, if you don't mind me saying, you're looking sweet as in 'sweeeet!'
(LAUGHTER) Mr Chicken agrees, too. (SQUEAKS)
Give him a ring and see what this is all about.
What are they doing? Can you remind everyone else here what your name is?
My name's Ivor the Dance King and I'm here today for the last time as an auditionee
because I'm going to be making a film this year called
Oh, No! Ivor The Dance King Tries To Save The World!
And I'm hoping to do a scene from that film with the help of Mr Chicken here.
(LAUGHTER) It's ringing now. You want some?
What the hell's going on here?You what?
Why's he choking a chicken on stage? He's ITV2 gold.
Hang on a minute, Ant wants to talk to you. He's in a bad mood.
You and him are wasting everybody's time.
If you want some, you're gonna get some.
Yeah? Well, it'd better be ice-cream.
(LAUGHS) So I think the best thing is to start the act.
You are completely right, Mr Walliams.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
Action.
Argh! A chicken is trying to attack me!
(LAUGHTER) Peck, peck! peck, peck!
Peck, peck! Peck, peck! Argh!
You thought you had me fooled...
Ivor, what are you doing to me?
I know you're alive in there!
You're alive! You're alive! This is unbelievable.
I get it, you think you're -
ITV2. They pushed it too far, that.
It really is. I've got those two kicking off...
You must learn manners, or I will teach you -(BUZZER)
I will teach you manners by wringing your neck, like this -
I'm wringing your neck! I'm wringing your neck!
(LAUGHTER)
You've left the film scene now. Go on, fly off.
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot you're a chicken, you can't fly.
Don't worry, let me help you.
(LAUGHTER)
Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen.
That's just a puppet and I'm the muppet! (LAUGHS)
(MANIC LAUGHTER)
Thank you.
Stephen Mulhern has got a lot to answer for.
(GROANS)
Well, I thought the chicken was excellent.
(LAUGHTER)
Alesha?
I mean, you're very sweet, but please don't do that ever again.
Stephen Mulhern! (GROANS)
Ivor, is this serious?
You're actually making a movie about killer chickens?
If you wish to come, you're invited to the premiere.
I'd love to.
Let's vote. Simon?
For now, Ivor, I'm going to have to say no.
I admire your tenacity, but it's a no from me.
It's a no today.Congratulations, it's four no's.
Thank you for seeing me and sitting through that.
I'm very grateful. Thank you, goodbye.
Thanks a lot. Thank you so much.
Come on. Let's go and see Ant and Dec.
See you later. Thank you.
Give Stephen Mulhern our regards.
Right, they said they want some? They want some do they?
# EDWIN STARR - WAR #
Yeah? Yeah, you want some?
You want some do you? Do you want some?
Both of you? Get off!
You want some? You want some? You want some?
You're gonna get it! Get him out. The little twerp.
Charming (!)
Speaking of charming, our next act are French
which can only mean one thing.
Subtitles. Please, no subtitles.
We don't need subtitles, anyway. Don't worry, guys.
We would never do a lazy subtitle gag.
My name is Anthony. And my name is Adrian
and we do comedy acts and we are called the Vice Versa.
Wow!
Where are you guys from? From Paris.Yeah.
Are you? Oui, bonjour.
I only speak the old French.
What?
I tell you what, here's a little idea. We could give our one viewer -
Yes, you - a little French lesson.
# THEME FROM 'ALLO 'ALLO #
Let's go for it. If you want to repeat after me. OK.
(LOUDLY AND SLOWLY IN A FRENCH ACCENT) Onions. No.
Look. Onion.
Or you could say it like that if you want.
(CONTINUES WITH ACCENT) Stripey top and beret.
No. Bicycle.
No, no.
With basket on the front, for all the fruit.
(LAUGHTER) And the veg.
(TRANSLATES INTO FRENCH)
(SPEAKS INTO FRENCH) It's always stuffed.
There's always loads of it in it.
(CONTINUES WITH ACCENT) Souffle.
Souffle? Yes, souffle.
Disneyland, Paris.
(LAUGHTER)
Eurostar.
No. BOTH: Eurostar.
Correct. You're doing very well here, guys.
It's so easy to learn French with you.
See, this is the thing. You can buy those sets of DVDs for about 450 quid.
Or you tune into ITV2's Britain's Got More Talent and you get a French lesson.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hi, guys. Hey. Hey!Hey!
Woo-hoo!Woo!
We are the Vice Versa. Wow!
Wow!On Britain's Got Talent in London. Double wow!
BOTH: Wow! Wow!Bonjour.
Nice to meet you, the Vice Versas.
French boys on the stage. Where are you guys from?
We're from Paris.
Whenever you're ready. Good luck.
So, a friend called us two hours ago. (MIMICS PHONE)"Hi, guys.
Have you heard about Britain's Got Talent audition? I think you should do it.
The crowd is crazy. Listen - " (CROWD CHEERS)
So we hang up the phone... Then we panic. Argh!
So we had to be quick to come here because we were still in Paris.
We ran to the bus, missed the bus.
Got to the underground. In the underground. It was packed. Pretty packed.
(LAUGHTER)
Out of the underground. Hailed a taxi.
"Hey, taxi!" Got to the airport.
(LAUGHS) I really like these two.
Got out the taxi. Got in the plane, took off.
Then we realised the plane was not going to London.
I opened the door, then we jumped. (BOTH YELLING)
Water!
Does anybody actually know what's going on here?
So we start running.
Because it's cool let's use top-view camera high technology.
BOTH: Yes! (LAUGHS)
OK, let's go back to the front.
Then in the street, a bin - A pigeon -
A cat -(CAT SHRIEKS)
(LAUGHTER) Now if you've just tuned in...
I don't know either. And here we are in front of you guys!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Just the most bizarre thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
You reminded me of human cartoons, you did.
Really entertaining and very quick.
Thank you very much.
I really like these two. I mean, they'd be quite annoying to have round all day.
Very funny. I'd love to see a much longer show from you guys.
I'm sure you'd do a great hour or two-hour show.
A two-hour show?!
Not today, not now. (LAUGHTER)
Simon?I didn't really understand it that much as an act,
if I'm being honest with you.
When David said, "I'd love to see an hour of that", I couldn't think of anything worse.
(BOOING) We're going to take a vote now, guys. David?
I think you guys are super-talented. I'm going to say yes.
(CHEERING)
Amanda? It's a yes from me.
I'm gonna say no. (BOOING)
Oh, no! I mean, I think you put a lot of work into it
and you are talented, so I'm gonna give you a chance. It's a yes from me.
(CHEERING) Yeah! Good.We like that.
Now, when you got a little nugget...we rinse it.
(BAD FRENCH ACCENT) We are speaking French. French toast.
(TRANSLATES INTO FRENCH)
Ooh! Eiffel Tower.
Cantona? Cantona.
The Euro.
Wonga... Lesson complete.
See ya.Cheers, guys. Hasta la vista.
That's "goodbye" in French.
Coming up - who was the mother of Uranus?
Oh, my God, he said something funny?
This guy might die.
This is Britain's Got More Talent.
Now, if you're thinking about turning over, don't.
Otherwise you're going to miss this big digger moving some junk.
There you go. I think we've actually lost our one viewer, guys.
Here on Britain's Got More Talent
we're never short of an impressionist.
That's a great Elvis. What a brilliant John Lennon!
Oh, that's a terrible Simon Cowell.
What a horrible song.
Simon would never say that.
That's more like it.
(SHOES SQUEAK ON FLOOR)
My name is Rory Jackson, I'm 29,
and I'm a Michael Jackson tribute artist.
# MICHAEL JACKSON: Don't Stop Till You Get Enough
What makes you stand out from the rest cos you look the part?
Probably my on stage energy, intensity, with the dancing.
# MICHAEL JACKSON: Smooth Criminal
I'm going to set a challenge. What's the challenge?The challenge is...
how long do you think you can dance for nonstop?
Well, let's do this.
Either you tell me to stop...
..or I'll die. (RECORD SCRATCHES TO A HALT)
Ha ha ha!
Right, well, I'll tell you what...
You bring your overnight bags.
In ten years of doing this show,
I have never had anyone throw down the gauntlet like that.
# You've been hit by a smooth criminal #
Ship out.
Right, I'll give you a countdown.
Three...
two...
This guy might die. (SNORTS)
Rory Jackson, take it away.
Go!
(MUZAK VERSION OF BILLIE JEAN)
We've already had to fade to black a couple of times.
He's not dead yet.
It's phenomenal, it really is.
Do you want me to stay stop?
Yeah.
(SNIGGERING)
You are seeing someone that is near death.
Everyone, Rory Jackson, stop.
Yes. (THE CREW CHEERS)
Mate, I tell you what, thank God you didn't die.
Yeah. That would be a waste of a day.
# MICHAEL JACKSON: Don't Stop Till You Get Enough
Hello. Hello.
What's your name? Rory Jackson.
OK, I think I know what you're going to do.
Shall we do it? Yes.
Let's do it.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
# MICHAEL JACKSON: Billie Jean
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
# People always told me
# Be careful what you do
# Don't go around, breaking young girls' hearts
# Billie Jean is not my lover
# She's just the girl who says I am the one
# But the child is not my son
Ooh!
# Hey
# Ooh
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
# MICHAEL JACKSON: Jam
# Jam, it ain't
# It ain't
# Too much stuff
# It ain't too much stuff for me
# Jam
# It ain't too much stuff... You're exploding here.
# It ain't too much for me
# Jam
# It ain't too much stuff for me
# Jam #
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Whoo!
Rory, what artist has inspired you?
(LAUGHTER)
Michael Jackson. (LAUGHTER)
Ha ha ha! He didn't need to answer that.
I've got to tell you, if I'm watching from another 100 feet away,
I would have believed that was Michael Jackson.
I would.
I was at the Bad concert, and do you know what,
you did a really good job?
You should be really proud of yourself.
My first ever concert was the Bad Tour.
We might have been there at the same time.Yeah.
Well done. Thank you.
Shall we vote? Yes.
I'm going to kick this off with a yes.
Alesha. I'm going to say yes.
It's a yes from me. Rory, this is really well deserved.
Four yeses. Congratulations. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
# JACKSON FIVE: I Want You Back
With four yeses, that was the lift that Rory really needed.
And that's the lift that Rory really needs to get home.
Ha ha ha! Do you get it? That's the lift...
Hah... Really?
# Asteroid: Pearl And Dean Theme
Now it's time for the quiz show, Even More More-A-Thon Now With Even More!
And it's got to be almost as exciting
as watching our one viewer watch paint dry!
Fingers crossed.
It's time for...Name That Tune.
(CHEERING)
(MIMES) Ladies and gentlemen, Name That Tune.
(THEME MUSIC)
Ha ha ha!
He's spinning this year. He's spinning.
Yah! (MUSIC STOPS)
Right. Come on.
For no reason at all...
who owns... Not again. Not again.
..this?
(BUZZER)
Ant, so this is yours.
Yes, for my anniversary last year I went to one of those ceramic cafes.
I made Happy Anniversary.
So, you actually made this. I didn't have a lot of time.
Well, never mind, it's the thought that counts.
Right, the rules of the game are quite simple.
To name that tune, you quite simply...well, name that tune.
It's as simple as that. It is what it is.
A wrong answer, it goes to the other player. If they get it wrong, we play another song.
Good luck to you both. Fingers on your buzzers. Here is the first one.
# MICHAEL JACKSON: Beat It (BUZZER)
Dec. Do They Know It's Christmas?
No. Ha ha ha!
Are you winding me up? No.
Ohh!
Ant, do you know? It is Michael Jackson,
and it it is Billie Jean. (HOOTER)
No. It was Beat It.
I was going to say Beat It. Name that tune to this one.
# ONE DIRECTION: What makes You Beautiful?
Dec. It's One Direction.
Er...
# Da-bah-da-da, you know what for
# Da-bah through the doo-oo-oor
Ant, you can get it in here.
# Everyone else in the world
# Everyone else but you
# Light up my world like nobody else
# Na na na na na
Oh, oh, oh! # You don't know you're beautiful
(CHEERING) Are we going to accept that?
Here's your next one.
# TAYLOR SWIFT: Shake It Up
Ant. The Ting Tings. That's Not My Name.
Oh, no, it's not. I saw where you were going there.
Right, do you know it?
I thought it was that. No, it's Taylor Swift, Shake It Up.
Oh, course it is.Which she proper ripped off the Ting Tings!
(LAUGHTER)
Here's your next one.
# OASIS: Wonderwall Wonderwall.
It is. Wonderwall! Right, it's one-all.
Whoever gets the next one is the winner. Ooh!
(LAUGHTER)
OK, here it comes.
# SAM SMITH: Money On My Mind
It's got to be Naughty Boy. Sshh! Sshh!
Sam Smith. Sshh!
Money On My Mind.
He's got it! Which means Dec's the winner of Name That Tune.
Ladies and gentlemen, name that tune!
(THEY ALL MIME) Ladies and gentlemen, name that tune!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Do the spin, do the spin!
Spin, spin!
So after Gamer Two of the quiz show,
Even More More-A-Thon Now With Even More,
Dec has levelled the score.
Earlier in the show, Amanda wanted to see something different.
I want to see something different.
But unfortunately she ended up with this.
(FUTURISTIC ELECTRONIC WARBLE)
When I met this bloke backstage, I only had one little question.
How do we turn these off because the sound is absolutely horrible?
I know!
How do we turn them off, then? The truth is, nobody's watching.
Nobody's going to switch off. Yes.
(FUTURISTIC ELECTRONIC WARBLE) Is there different sounds that I could do on you?
We can try and so some experiments and see what happens.
(FUTURISTIC ELECTRONIC WARBLE)
Now, if you've just switched on,
I'm hitting this bloke with these things... What do the call it?
Theramins.
Watch this. Are you ready? OK.
Right, Rory? Oh, no.
He's going to get it. Oh, yes. It's time.
That is a terrible place to put them.Now, that, he would pay for.
Really? Yes.
(ELECTRONIC WARBLE'S PITCH INCREASES))
Listen this.
(VERY HIGH-PITCHED WARBLE) Oh.
How much would I need to pay for these?
About 99 quid. Jeez.
That's cos they're handmade. (PHONE RINGS)
Take them. OK.
Go on.
I don't think we've got time for that.
Go on, then. All right, bye.
Explain how you make it.
Right.
Tell him. I get a little circuit board. It took me hours to design.
I, basically, stick little bits of sticky tape down.
I make the pattern, join everything up.
Then I push all the components in. My shoulders have gone.
(PHONE RINGS) Sorry, mate. I do apologise.
The old phoney! Yeah.
Go on.
I know we have. At some point we are going to hit an all-time low.
Let's see what you've got this week. Gee whiz.
Oh, my God! Can you still smell it?
Unbelievable!
This incredible prize is worth over £70,000.
First up, we're giving you a whopping £45,000 in tax-free cash
to spend on whatever you like. But that's not all.
One lucky viewer will hit the road in a brand-new Mercedes GLA 4-Matic
with black leather interior, sports steering wheel
and a panoramic sliding roof. And there's more.
We've got a luxury, four-night break to the Chewton Glen Hotel and Spa
for you and three guests.
You'll stay in the Tree-House Suite,
complete with your own hot tub overlooking sweeping treetops.
To be in with a chance of winning the Mercedes GLA, the luxury break,
and £45,000...
Welcome back to Britain's Got More Talent where I've got a burning question to ask Ant and Dec.
Now, our one viewer wants to know
who is the most intelligent out of you two.
So we've got a very quick quiz for you. Right.
Now, Dec, because you're smallest by quite some way, you're going first.
All right, good luck. OK.
Dec, which chemical element
was named after the Latin name for Copenhagen?
Carbon dioxide. It was hafnium.
Ant, what river runs through the city of Newcastle?
The River Tyne.Yes, correct.
Dec, name the surgeon who carried out
the first-ever heart transplant operation.
As it's a hard question, I'll give you a clue. He's South African.
Er... Doctor Steadman.
No, it was Christiaan Barnard. Ah!
Ant, back to you. Which footballer who played for Newcastle United
holds the record for the most goals in the Premier League?
I'll give you a clue, it rhymes with 'hearer'.
Alan Shearer.Correct. You're doing very well. I am, aren't I?
Dec, in what year did Fiji first become a unified nation?
19...72.
Sugar! So close. 1871.
(LAUGHTER) Aw, that's what I....
And, last one, Ant, if you get this right
you're officially cleverer than Dec,
Tension music, please.
Oh, that's good music. Good music, that, good music.
Change it to even more dramatic music.More dramatic.
(THUMPING CHORD) That's better.That's better.
Ant, in what year were you born?
1975, Steve.You are the winner. Wow.
Round of applause. Thank you, everybody.
It was a fair game, fair quiz. Won it fair and square.
We cleared that up. I can't complain about that.
You go and have a break and you go and smarten yourself up.
(LAUGHTER) Unbelievable.
Wow, that was exciting. I wonder if our next act is excited.
Are you excited? Oh, yeah.
Yes. Really quite excited.
Yeah, really excited, yeah.
Great(!)
Hi, fellas. All right?
How're you doing? Good to see you. What's your name?
Passman. And?Hedluv.
We're a rap duo from Cornwall and we're going to do a song about pasties.
This is a result.
We do have some pasties here. Do you?
Are they Cornish pasties? Well, they're these.
I don't really know. This is no joke, and they absolutely reek.
I've never smelt anything like it in my entire life.
These are cheese and onion ones, aren't they?
We've got the wrapper here. Can you pass me that?
Bang on, they are cheese and onion pasties.
How the hell did you know that?
There was four in a pack.Has somebody actually taken one of these?
Yeah, they're right, there was four.
Who the hell has taken one of the pasties? (THREE DRAMATIC CHORDS)
Who has eaten one of the... Sorry about this, guys.
Who has taken one of the pasties? There's four in a pack.
One of you has, but you're all smiling like idiots.
There's not a lot in there, really, is there?Pastry's the cheap bit.
Normally, you'd have quite a lot of potato.
Cornish pasty'd be full of potato. Don't, mate. Seriously, I'll go.
Get rid of them now. That's out of this building.
I've lost the will.
Sorry about that, fellas. That's all right.
How long did it take to write the song? Where's that spray?
We were thinking about it for a long while.Years and years,
when you're thinking about it.How long is the... How long is the song?
Maybe about... Maybe it took five, six months or something.
It took six months? Yeah.
Has that worked?
I can still smell it.
(CHEERING)
Hi, guys. Hiya.
And you are? Hedluv and Passman.
The guys have left their pasties.
Are you friends?Yeah, since ten years old, so over 20 years been best friends.
(Guys!)
Guys, don't know what you're gonna do,but the best of luck.
Thank you. All right, OK.
(Guys!)
Well, what a waste.
(CHEERING)
(WOLF WHISTLE)
Smell those.
We are here to entertain you.
Hit it! Run the track.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING)
You've got quite quick reactions.
(LAUGHTER)
(BUZZER)
# I don't buy pasties willy-nilly
(BUZZER)
# The calorie content is silly
# So when I have a bad one
# The expression on my face turns into a sad one
# Cos I had one and wasted it
# On a pasty that didn't taste a bit
# Like a pasty should, cos when I...
Guys, do you want any pasty? No.
Guys?
# Pasty... (BUZZER)
# In the shape of a, in the shape of a
# In the shape of a... (BUZZER)
# In the shape of a... Oh, what a waste of time.
I like pasties. Shall we go and get a pasty?
We'll go straight to a vote and I think I know where this is going to go. David?
It was the best rap song about pasties we've heard today.
That's what we want.But I'm not sure it'll go any further.
Sorry, guys, it's a no. Alesha?
I don't think Kanye West will be too worried. It's a no from me, guys.
It is a no today. Sorry, guys, thanks a lot.
Good night! (APPLAUSE)
Their performance didn't stink as much as those pasties.
Speaking of which, it's time to get tough.
We're going to write a letter of complaint for that filth.
So let's start with a 'What the hell...' That'll get her attention.
Go on, mate. 'I was very much looking forward - '
Don't be too polite. 'I was very much...' '..to tucking into
one of your cheese and onion pasties...'
You're actually watching us write a complaint letter, about a pasty.
What are they going to do? Maybe they'll -'Just the smell alone...'
'was enough to deter me from venturing...'
'..into biting into that rancid piece of...' There you go, writes itself.
'That rancid...' Rancid, it's a good word. So, erm...
'..piece of...' What would you say?
Pastry.Pastry. I thought you said something else there.
'Rancid piece of pastry.'
I'll just put 'PS, you bunch of...'
I'll put this but I can't say this out loud. Yeah?
Yeah? A bit harsh.
A bit harsh? But the good thing is, I didn't write it, you did.
Meanwhile, here's Mandy gliding effortlessly up the stairs.
Ooh! Jesus.
Oh, no. I hope her new item goes a bit smoother for her.
Handy Mandy, handy, handy Mandy.
(SINGS)
It's Handy Mandy!
(CHEERING)
This is the item where our one viewer gets to share
their most intimate problem with our wisest judge on BGT.
Let's see what you've got this week. I've got the letter.
'Dear Handy Mandy, I have a fringe
that my Auntie Maureen cut for me in 1994,
but I'm worried my bangs' - that's slang for fringe -
'is out of style. It's 2016.
What would you suggest to freshen up my look?'
So, what sort of experience do you have with hair?
Funnily enough, I was in a drama called Cutting It for the BBC.
AUDIENCE: Oh!Do you know what? Let's bring out the dummy!
(CHEERING)
What's your name, floppy man? Andrew.
You're very brave. The first thing is to get a pair of scissors.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Top tip.
Really, I need a comb. Oh, it will be all right.
(LAUGHTER) Don't worry.
It'll be all right. Close your eyes, please, Andy.
Just going to do a little...tiny, weeny trim.
Ah, it's neater. Open your eyes.
Look at those eyes, they pop.
You see, if it was me, I'd just do that.
No!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. (LAUGHTER)
Stephen!
Oh, my God! Better?
Andy... It's better, isn't it?
(LAUGHTER)
That is another problem solved. You're welcome.
So, another day of auditions has drawn to a close
and you might say, well, that's the end of that.
Well, that's the end of that.
But there's one last thing I know our one viewer is desperate to see.
The quiz? Oh! Has it gone down well?
It's hit the roof. Oh, wow.It's one-nil, don't forget.
This is Who's The Cleverest Out Of Ant And Dec?
I really hope I'm better at it. You're not.
It's just the questions, isn't it? Here we go. Eyes down.
Dec, you're off first. You've been in Australia a lot for I'm A Celeb,
so in Greek mythology, who was the mother of Uranus?
Erm... Spartacus?
Gaia. Gaia!Gaia.
Ant, in golf over how many holes is a traditional round played over?
18.Correct. Straight in there. Lucky question.
Dec, you are from the northern city of Newcastle. Yes!
So, who won a Nobel prize for chemistry in 1938?
That was erm...Arthur Stevenson.
It was Richard Kuhn. Oh, not Richard Kuhn.
Ant, in what city was the popular kids' TV programme Byker Grove filmed?
Newcastle-upon-Tyne.Absolutely correct. I knew that one.
Dec, fill in this blank. Musician Dennis Brain
was famously associated with what?
The harpsichord. Ooh! It's the French horn.
What are you... Bom, bom, bom-bom-bom bom.
And the final one. Ant, if you get this one right you have stormed it,
you've stolen it, it's all yours. Lucky questions again, huh?
Right, fill in the blank. Let's get ready to....?
It can't be, can it? Rumble?
He's only gone and done it? Yes!
What a treat!
Yeah! Unbelievable.
Wow. Well done, you.
Unbelievable.
Come on, big boy. Wahey!
(LAUGHTER)
Really good.
The lawyers'll go off their nut. Woosh!
# So give me your love
# I need it
# Give me your heart
# I'm bleeding
# Give me your love
# I need it
# Oh, oh, yeah
# Why don't you give me, give me, your love
# Why don't you give me your love... #
subtitles by Deluxe