Oh, yes!
Bloody hell!
Hello, boys!
Welcome to Gypsy Joe's.
Do you need any hi-fis?
BOTH:Do we!
I've got some great bargains, boys - stereo speakers,
buy one, get one free.
Cash down, nothing to pay in 12 months.
And is it all...? HE WHISTLES
Oh, it's all, er... HE WHISTLES
Have you got any plasma screens?
Plasma screens? Oh, very tricky to get hold of,
them plasmas.
I used to have some, but...
Hang on a minute...
You might just be in luck.
I think I know where I can get one.
I'll need your help.
# Hello to you It's good to meet you
# We're a couple of dancing bears
# Whenever you're blue We'd be glad to greet you
# And we always dance in pairs
# With a bibbity-boo and a howdy-do There's room for everyone
# It's good to know there's a place to go
# Why don't you come in and join the fun? #
15 nights in this place, look at the bloody size of it!
CHEERING
Let's have a look at you.
Let me borrow that camera, let's see who we've got in tonight.
Give it here, let's have a see.
Here we go.
MUSIC: Left Bank Two by The Noveltones
Come on!
Who've we got in tonight? Here we go!
Who've we got up here?
He loves it, that lad, look at him!
Oh, my God, he's been upstaged!
Who's that? Have you come with your mum?
Have you come with your mum there?
Hello, are you all right? Oh, Christ, who's that?
'Ckin' Bill Oddie's in. There you go.
All right, Bill?
Anyone else?
Hey up, what's happened here?
No seats?
You can't sit there, you're a fire hazard, sir!
Don't crouch down, there's 14,000 people looking
at you, what's the point of that?
Give us a wave!
Oh, there's been a bit of a domestic going on there...
Don't want to talk about it.
What about over here?
Who have we got back...
Oh!
He loves it, that fella, look at him!
He's out of his mind!
Look at them teeth, mother of God!
Shergar!
By the way, this is the show.
I do two hours of this, then I go off,
in case you're wondering.
Good evening, you beauties there, look at you.
That's my bread and butter.
I'm loving that chequered top there, that's a belter, that.
There you go, that's the old Cocoon area of the show taken care of.
There's my lovely crew back there, where are they?
Give us a wave.
Oh, look at that, it's that Last Supper,
that shot there, with him in the middle.
What's that? Hello, love!
You seem happy, you seem very happy...
Oh, hey up, then again...
Oh, hey up.
You want to have a word with her in front there,
she's hogging your limelight, what's she doing?
Where's your care worker? She's no right leaving you on your own.
What are you doing there, love?
Look at that lady there.
She's flattened a bit of grass, hasn't she, that one?
Eh, eh, with him, with him! Eh?
And her!
Hey, they're all swingers, them, in that block there.
They're in. Doberman, off Bilko, there, they've had a bit together.
Angelina Jolie without the make-up, there you are, eh?
Cheers to you, Angelina. There you go!
And that's my fantastic audience for the last night tonight!
# Make my car share, though I am home and you are not. #
What?
What the BLEEP!is that?
Look at this. They'll be doing a calendar next.
Oh, I'd take 12 months of that any day of the week.
Hello.Say come to mama...
Come to mama.
I can't get it out of my mouth!
Come to your mama. I can't get that out of my mouth!
He's gone!
Somebody help!
Oh, I touched your willy...
LAUGHTER
Did I touch your willy?
My BLEEP!willy?
How old are you?
Six?
Say two sugars, please, and leave the spoon in...
Two sugars, please, and leave the spoon...
Don't! Don't!
Oh, oh!
Me willy!
LAUGHTER
Lovely.
You go too far.
Feeling that little lad's mum up like that.
I'm telling you now, these costumes are a licence to grope.
He said it's in here somewhere, the storeroom.
Oh, yes, here we go - dink dank doo!
Excuse me, what time are you open until?
Till ten o'clock tonight, eight o'clock weekends.
Are you OK? It's dreadfully warm in here.
Are you sure you're OK?
Yeah. I'm grand.
Would you have a drop of water?
Oh, my God!
Help! He's collapsed!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
It's all right, stand back, stand back!
What happened, love? He just keeled over!
We've got a keeler, we've got a keeler!
We'll take it from here, flower.
Have you got him, Dr Patrick? Yep.
Jesus!OK!
Everybody move.
Oh, watch the plasma!
Have you got me money, lads?
Yeah, we're a bit busy right now, Joe.
I'm not a credit company, you know, that was the deal -
cash on delivery. You'll get your money.
Oh, Jesus!Oh, shit! Reverse, reverse!
Here, get him over here.
No, no, no, no, lads, now, lads, please...
HE SCREAMS
THUD
Ow...What happened? He just jumped!
I think I've sprained me ankle!
Argh!
Head the ball. You can take it from here, boys.
Crackers.
Sometimes you don't even get people shouting out.
Sometimes you just get heckled by noises.
BRAYING LAUGH
See... What's happened there? Is it a goat?
Has someone let a goat in?
Is there a goat just come in here?
BRAYING LAUGH
'Ckin 'ell, it's up there now? Go on, get out!
Get that goat out.
LOW RUMBLING
What's that noise?
Could you hear a noise then?
Did you hear it?
Like thunder?
What is it?
LOW RUMBLING
HECKLER:You dropped your wallet!
Dropped me wallet! Cheeky bastard!
"You've dropped your wallet!"
That's, that's staying in.
Woooooooooo...
I have not got a BLEEP!clue.
Don't know whether it were a girl,
or a mini rocket, don't know.
We all heard it, though, didn't we?
And it went on a little bit too long, didn't it?
A little bit eerily too long.
And, between me and you, I hope it don't happen again.
Because you feel guilty with the environment.
I can't put a can of Coke in the bin at home, me,
I've got to get it out, put it outside,
with all me recycling.
LOW HORN BLARES
Did that just happen, then, or...?
Have I just been heckled by a ship?
Who smuggled a BLEEP!ship in?
Anyway, I'll just, er...brush over that.
I've never been heckled by a ship before.
ALL:Three, two, one.
I honourably declare the Golden Phoenix open.
Open, open!
GONG RINGS
Look at that - Phoenix.
Er, this is Jerry St Clair, the licensee, if you'd like to put
any of your questions to him, do feel free.
Mr St Clair, Jane Crossley, Bolton Independent Leader.
Where did you get the idea?
Well, what happened was... It just came to me,
in a flash, like St Paul on the road to Domestos.
Talk about wood for the trees, we're selling food behind the bar,
I said, "Hey", I said, "Let's open a restaurant."
Next thing you know, Jed's a millionaire.
Things are going to change now, love. It's going to be out with the sausage roll,
and in with the spring. Where did you find the chefs?
There they are, Ant and Dec.
Our Barbara's lads, God rest her soul.
Look at them, fresh out of cooking college,
happy as sandboys, the pair of them.
They can't speak a word of the Queen's.
They can knock the shit out of an egg chow mein quicker
than you can say Triad. Ha-ha!
Mr St Clair, what do YOU think the rival clubs will
make of all this?
Well, to be honest, what I hope... Balls to 'em!
And Empire, they can go and whistle. Something like this, love, will kick clubland up the arse.
They'd better shape up or shit out.
We're going to make a fortune...cookie. Ha-ha-ha!
Fortune cookie.
We've got some of them there, just try, home-made
fortune cookies, just crack one off, son.
What does it say?
Piss flaps.
Piss flaps?
SNIGGERING
Piss flaps? What the hell's that about, piss flaps?
Excuse me.
OK, and action.
What do I do with this?
Right, a fella'll come later...
I'm just laugh... I can't do it, I were laughing then.
What do I do with this?
Right, that's your card...
What do I do with this? Right, give this to the fella...
What do I do with this?
All right, you don't have to shout. Calm down, calm down.
Right, go again.
What would I do with this?
Ugh...
Right, fella'll come later...
I'm just laughing in your face, I do apologise!
What do I do with this?
Right...
Ho!
I can't stop laughing, I'm sorry!
Go in, go in!
I cannot do it!
BLEEP!sake.
Think you could do it? Bye.
Backwards again!
I cannot drive this BLEEP!car!
I don't like needles as I've got older,
that's why I've stopped shooting up.
I don't like needles.
I won't go to the dentist because I won't have an injection.
I lost a filling at Christmas, I lost...
Quality Street, toffee penny, be warned.
Be warned.
Laugh. I'm suing them, I'll tell you now, and I'm suing,
er, M&S, Blue Harbour, for getting me into jogging bottoms.
Giving me a false sense of security.
So I lost a filling, but I won't go to the dentist
because I don't like needles.
Anyway, left it and left it, it turned into a bloody abscess.
Agony.
It all came to an head when I sucked on a Slush Puppy at Thomas Land.
It's a drink, love.
And I were going...
I went, "Oh, I've got to get home, I've got to get home."
I were in a people carrier with four under-five-year-olds,
listening to The Wiggles, and I thought, I've got to get back home.
So I piled everyone in the car, I got on the M6 toll road back
to Bolton, I had me money ready, �4.50, it used to be �3.80,
robbing bastards...
I went to the automated one, pulled up, agony with my tooth,
opened the window, hey up, it's electric, those days are gone, eh?
None of that any more.
Electric.
Opened my window, got me �4.50, threw it into the bucket,
missed.
How can you miss?! It's that big!
�3.50 went in, pound coin went straight under the people carrier.
I'm, like, "Christ", so I've got to get out now.
I can't tell a member of staff, because there's no bugger there,
I've got about that much room to open my door,
it's banging, I can't go forward, there's a barrier,
I'm trying to get out and slide down onto...
And I don't know if you've noticed, I'm big-boned, so I'm trying to get
down onto my knees, there's a car behind me,
beeping, just wait, impatient prick!
I'm on the floor here, listening to Hot Potato, The Wiggles.
I can see the pound coin, it's right under the centre
of the people carrier, laughing at me.
I end up, I'm on my knees, and the floor was wet -
it's that fine rain, soaks you through -
and I'm lying on the tarmac, on me abscess cheek...
..reaching for this pound coin.
I blacked out.
Blacked out.
I woke up in a 24-hour emergency dentist in Tamworth.
And he were cross-eyed, he were cross-eyed,
this dentist, swear to God.
I don't mean cross-eyed like that, you know, where your eyes meet
in the middle? He looked past me.
You know sometimes you get them people and they're slightly
boss-eyed, they look past you when they're talking?
Awful, cos when he... I woke up, he went, "Mr Kay!"
I'm giving it, proper subtle, like.
Awful, because when he were trying to drill,
I thought he were going to go through me cheek,
because he's looking onto the floor, I'm sat in that chair, like that.
I'm here!
Hiya.
Steady.
Yeah, you can hear it, can't...
ENGINE REVS
See what I mean? Yeah.
Stop! I'm laughing!
See what I mean!
See what I mean?
See what I mean!
See what I mean?
Come on, come on, come on, come on...
See what I mean?
Hoo!
COMMENTARY:So another look at Princess Suki III.
Grace personified.
Lovely, lovely bitch.
Back live now, this is John Smith, and Tonto.
Off he goes.
And, hopefully...
Oh, that's years of training right there.
Oh, and he'll get extra marks for that too.
Great dog work!
Yeah, give him a biscuit!
I had an X-ray. Have you ever had an X-ray at the dentist?
You've got to bite on this bit of plastic,
and then put your head in a vice,
and then him and the assistant leg it out of the room and leave you.
I'm like, "Where are you going? Come back!"
"No, no, Mr Kay, you stay there.
"Radiation..."
I'm, like, "Christ, where are we, Chernobyl? What's going on here?"
I've got an abscess, 'ckin' hair's coming out in clumps,
what's going on?
Terry Nutkins, Christ almighty!
Got these goggles on for flying debris, or whatever,
like he's putting up a kitchen extension.
Then he injects me. "You'll feel a bit of a sting."
More of a stab, than a sting, lying prick.
He went in, then his assistant started sucking...
Grow up.
I didn't go private.
She went in, and he starts drilling away, and then,
you know, he takes you down, and you have a quick check
with your tongue, to see how he's doing,
but the problem is your tongue magnifies the hole.
I'm like, "Oh, my God, how big's this hole he's drilling here?
"I've only got an abscess, he's putting up a shopping centre in me mouth, look at this!
"There's two blokes stood on the edge of me tooth in hard hats,
"giving it..." "Back here with that skip, back here, down here."
Then he starts using my chest as a workbench, honest to God!
My heart, bloody hell, scalpel, hammer, brew,
what are you doing?
Give me a covering on my shirt - "Get a coaster, get a coaster.
"Were you dragged up? Get a coaster."
Then after half an hour of absolute bliss,
I had a rinse...
Well, you're all numb, aren't you? You can't feel it.
Oh, shit...
"Shanks, shanks...
"Shanks very much, shanks."
Proper embarrassed, like.
"You won't have any more problems with that tooth, Mr Kay."
"Oh, aye, shanks, yeah."
I stagger out to reception.
"Are you free in six months on a Tuesday at quarter past four?"
"I don't know where I am, love, right now. I can't see colours.
"I don't know where I am. I can't speak."
"That's �343." I heard that, I heard that!
"For this?!
"You should wear a mask and a striped jumper,
"what's the matter with you?
"Do you take Maestro?"
"Pardon?" "Do you take Maestro?"
"Who?" "Maestro, do you take Maestro?"
"My what? I can't hear you."
"Maestro, Switch, Switch, do you take Switch?
"Switch cards? Switch?" "Oh, Switch."
"I said Switch for five minutes, are you deaf? Switch.
"Spit all over your counter here, Switch, it's expired now.
"It's expired, Switch!"
# Some people are made for each other, some people...
# One another...
# How about us? #
Never mind him, what's going on with you two?
What do you mean?
You know!
Now, hang the BLEEP!on...
I'm just trying to get to it, it's...
You know!
What did you turn into?!
Four hours I've spent in the A&E on Boxing Day evening...
I spent four hours in A&E Boxing Day night with my arm wedged
in the tube.
Apparently, I've got very wide wrists.
What about...have you tried Gaviscon?
What's he laughing at?
No teas for me, not this time of night, love.
Or coffee. See, I am a slave...
What it is, I'm a slave to the heartburn...
Don't, because you're making me laugh too!
Stop it!
No tea for me, not this time of night,
love, or coffee, see, what it is, I'm a slave to the heartburn.
Don't, because when you do, I do!
Don't.
# La-la-la-la-la la la-la la-la-la
# Do-do-do-do-do-doo
# Ahh! #
Musical icons were queueing up to mentor our finalist.
It's nice to meet you.
How old are you?
My God!
I can't believe I've just met Michael Jackson!
And after Michael Jackson, The Cheeky Girls dropped by,
with some very high standards.
# Three times a lady... #
No, no, no, no, it's got to be F sharp.
Try singing it from your hymen.
# Yes, you're once, yes, you're... #
Stupid bastard!
# And I love you... #
No, come on, that was as flat as a witch's tit!
I think my favourite performance was on the duets week,
when I got to sing with Ricky Wilson.
I love the Kaiser Chiefs.
# Manamana Do-do do-do-do
# Manamana Do do-do-do
# Manamana Do-do do-do-do, do-do-do
# Do-do-do, do-do do-do-do, do-do do-do-do. #
# ..spent with you is the right time... #
And the duets didn't stop there.
Two Up Two Down were joined by Brit award winner and housewives'
favourite, Rick Astley, creating one of the most
unforgettable performances the show has ever seen.
# And baby, yeah... #
And, as with most live shows,
things don't always go according to plan...
# Something's got a hold of my... #
Shit, love! Are you all right?
God, are you all right, Wendy, love?
Come on!
# Yeah, something's gotten into my life... #
Now, that is television gold!
It still cracks me up, every time I see it.
# Turning me up... #
I was in absolute agony, but I just had to carry on singing.
That was very funny!
You could have broke your neck, you dozy mare! Yeah, I know!
Can you just move your badge back and put it central?
You move your badge!
And put your belt between your boobs, please. Thank you.
She must stop!
It's personal now!
She's out to get me.
Any man would be lucky to have you.
Wouldn't have them.
I want a wee dog now, that's what I want to meet.
Something that licks you but doesn't want anything back.
Know what I mean?
I'm a slave to jogger's nipples.
Christ. How much jogging do you do?
I've never jogged a day in my life.
I've known about Di for ages.
Big Diane, I've known for...
Oh, I would hang on to this one...
All right, Mr Lover Lover.
You want to walk me to my gate?
Laters.
Elsie.Hmm?
Trophy.Aw...
Lock your... Lock the doors.
Lock the doors - it's like the bloody Bronx around here.
I've just seen a pram. I'm coming!
Get back in the...BLEEP!
Get back in, Elsie!
This year, our finalists got the chance to show off some
of their hidden talents on the special skills week.
# Ebony...
# And ivory...
# Live together with perfect...
# Harmony. #
Two Up Two Down gave a magical performance -
wowing both the audience, and the judges...
# Oh, ho, ho, it's magic, you know
# Never believe it's not so. #
..while Geraldine got the whole of Britain jumping
with her rendition of the Frog Chorus.
# Bew, bew-bew, bew bew-bew
# Bew, bew-bew-bew-bew
# Win or lose, sink or swim
# One thing is certain We'll never give in
# Side by side, hand in hand
# We all stand together
COMPLICATED FLUTE SOLO
# Bom, bom-bom
# Ay-ee-ah
# Bom, bom-bom
# Ay-ee-ah
# Play the game, fight the fight
# But what's the point on a beautiful night?
# Arm in arm, hand in hand
# We all stand together
VIRTUOSO VIOLIN SOLO
# We all...
AUDIENCE CHEER
# Stand...
AUDIENCE CHEER
# Together! #
AUDIENCE CHEER