Anybody call?! Anybody call?!
[sniffing] Daddy, paella again?
Pae-ay-yi-yi!
That's the fifth time you've made that this week!
I can't help it.
It was Natalie's favorite dish.
And she was my favorite dish.
Daddy, will you just get over her? It's been two weeks.
She gone, Daddy, she gone!
Stop acting so desperate.
It's embarrassing.
Ooh, did Josh or Arnaz call?
I thought you was just friends with Salt-N-Pepa.
They gone, baby, they gone!
Daddy, where's the kitchen table?
Baby, I'm purging all the furniture that reminds me of Natalie -
long, shapely legs, nice soft seats,
made in Puerto Rico.
[phone rings]
- It's for me, Daddy! - It's for me!
Ow! Hello?
I'm here, Natalie, I'm here!
Oh, he hung up.
No, she hung up.
You answered the phone all breathy,
she probably thought I had another woman over here.
Or Prince.
Natalie loved Prince.
Daddy, what's happening to us?
You're getting all weepy over androgynous rock stars,
and I went out and bought these.
They're night vision binoculars
so I can see Josh and Arnaz at night
from afar.
You know what's happening here? The popular ain't popping.
The in crowd's on the outs.
See, we're used to being put on the pedestal, being adored.
OK, Daddy, you may have been adored, but I was worshipped.
Yeah, and now it's just us.
You know what? You don't need a boyfriend and I don't need a girlfriend to be happy.
I'm done with women. Ain't nothing but aggravation.
Me, too. I'm done with boys.
Then it's a pact.
Just you and me, no clutter. Agreed?
- Agreed. - Hit it right there.
[knocking]
Hi.
I'm Yvette and this is my son Michael.
I'm house-sitting for my sister in 3-B and I locked us out, so I was wondering...
Oh, don't you come knocking on my door with your sob story.
This is how it all starts.
Look at you.
Your hair's all silky smooth...
Mm-hm. With your fine, handsome, looking-like-Usher son.
Yeah, we're on to you, and we don't play that.
Mm-nm.
My daughter and I have each other, and that's plenty.
- Yeah, that's right, Daddy. - Break out.
I think this is going to go very well.
Me, too.
♪ Sometimes in this life ♪
♪ You can feel all by yourself ♪ ♪ Check one, two ♪
♪ But I have a partner ♪
♪ When I can't trust no-one else ♪
♪ So don't isolate yourself ♪
♪ When there's nobody around ♪ ♪ Uh-huh, oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'll be there through thick and thin ♪
♪ What a true love we have found ♪
♪ Me and you against the world ♪
♪ Living one on one ♪
♪ One on one ♪
♪ Can't nobody break this bond ♪
♪ Living one on one ♪
♪ Life has just begun, now we're having fun ♪
♪ Living one on one ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪
[Flex] Check this out. Check this out. I'm telling you, man,
swearing off women has made me a new man.
I've never felt so free, y'all.
Mm! I've learned from my mistakes, y'all.
And, mistake, thy name is woman.
Mm! That's heavy. That's heavy.
But what are you gonna do when you get that, you know,
2am tickle?
I know you and Ace are new around here,
but I don't get a 2am tickle.
I'm not a slave to my desires.
Yo, I like being alone.
I can watch sports any time I want.
Yo, I got ESPN on at the house right now,
I ain't even there.
Although, my ankle bracelet says I'm there, but you know.
I find a woman completes me.
When I can find one, I'm completely surprised.
[phone rings]
Hello?
Hey, Bre-Bre.
No, baby, no, no.
No, you don't need to talk to Josh and Arnaz.
OK, listen to me, sweetie.
Repeat after me - you and me, we don't need three.
Very good.
All right, baby. All right, I'll be home soon.
Stay strong.
What's that about?
Ah, my poor little co-dependent daughter.
The girl'd be lost without me.
Oh, Flex, I didn't know Breanna was co-dependent.
She got to wear, like, special shoes for that?
Ah, well, well, well, what have we here?
A manicurist that's two hours late and her seeing-eye midget.
"Hasty Hookups"? What is this?
It's a singles event. Where have you been, Flex?
It's the new thing. You go around the room talking to different women
for three minutes at a time.
It's an assignment for my business class.
Now, according to my market research,
single people are most likely
to part with two things - cash and dignity.
I only want your cash.
Mm-mm. See, that's what I love about my Candy.
She's ambitious, driven...
And doesn't mind a man who travels with a step stool.
Uh, hey, Flex, how's Natalie?
Oh, oh. Hey, Duane, how's your daddy?
Look, I wish you luck, Candy, but Breanna and I made a pact.
Then un-pact. I need to pass this class.
I can't.
Breanna and I are swearing off dating.
No more Natalie, no more Josh and Arnaz,
no more anybody else.
Just a father and daughter having fun.
Flex, man, you have to come. This is important to Candy.
Besides, your name is on the flyer as our celebrity single.
It says here the celebrity single is "Fex Washingstone."
- Hey. - Hey.
It feels so good
to be walking down the hall and not to be worried
about Josh or Arnaz and how much they in love with me.
Ooh, girl, is Arnaz looking at me?
No.
See? And I don't even care.
[phone rings] Ooh, maybe that's Josh.
Hello?
Yeah, sure, I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight.
Daddy, come on.
Remember our pact. Say it with me -
stay strong, others are wrong.
Stay strong, others are wrong!
Better?
OK, love you, too. Bye.
You know this whole pact thing with you and your dad just seems silly.
How can you swear off guys?
We're 16-year-old girls. What else is there?
Spirit, I don't expect you to understand.
When you spend your whole life on a pedestal,
your legs get really tired, girl, for real.
Besides, my dad needs me. And I need to stay strong for him.
Girl, I know Arnaz is looking at me. Just tell me. Is he looking?
No.
Now, look, I met a cute guy. I think my new hair's working for me.
And he has a cute friend and we're going
to Dave And Dan's Play Town on Friday night.
You want to come?
Yeah, sure, I'll meet you there. My dad loves that place.
Great food, great games, fun for everyone.
Who's trying to hang out with your dad?
I'm trying to hook us up with some thug passion.
- Hey. - Oh, hey, Arnaz.
Look at you, sounding all sexy.
Boy, you need to stop.
Wait, wait, hold on a second.
I'm sorry, Breanna. Were you saying something?
Yeah, but not to you.
Boy, you need to stop.
OK, I'm back.
Let me look in my purse and see if I can find you some spackle
because your face just got cracked.
Yeah, but I don't even care about him.
I'm all about having fun,
and nothing's more fun than hanging out with my daddy.
[music playing]
[Narrator on TV] Hamburg is Germany's most important industrial center.
Situated in northern Germany on the Elbe River...
[phone rings]
I'll get that, Daddy! Only to save you the trouble.
Hello?
Oh, hey, Spirit. Girl, how you been?
A movie? Tonight?
With your cutie and his friend?
Heck, no.
I'm watching a documentary with my dad.
It's off the chain.
Is that Hitler?
Hey, Flex, man, I need you across the hall, dawg.
There's too many single women in my apartment.
Duane, check it out.
The women on TV aren't really in your apartment.
No, Flex, it's Hasty Hookups, man.
Not enough guys showed up.
Just come on over and make an appearance while we round up a few guys
from the homeless shelter.
Duane, can't you see that my little girl and I are bonding?
We're watching... Are those Nazis?
It's OK, Daddy, go.
Don't worry. I'm just going to help Duane for a few minutes.
It's still me and you, kid. Now what do we say?
[Both] In it together, tougher than leather.
Hey, Spirit, could we get your cutie's homeboy on three-way?
I'm ready for a little thug passion.
Let's get this over with, man.
I can't think of anything more boring than a roomful of desperate women.
Falling out of their dresses.
Hello, ladies, I'm Fex Washingstone.
Thank you all for coming.
My name is Candy, and this is my soulmate, Duane.
[Duane chuckles]
Uh, Rose Catherine? That means you don't talk to him.
That's right, because the only game I play is Candyland.
Mmm.
OK, gentlemen, please take your seats across from each of the ladies.
Hurry, hurry.
Yo, Flex, what do you think of my opening line?
[inhales deeply]
Uh...
Uh, i-in a word, it's, uh, disturbing!
I'm communicating with my eyes.
You communicate with your words.
I'll use my soul.
Oh, yeah? Well, you got some crust in the corner of your soul.
What are you doing here?
I thought you were off women.
Man, I'm just helping out a friend.
But while I'm here, step back, and you can watch a playa play.
Oh, I know how to play the game.
I can talk a woman into anything and out of everything.
See, that's what you got wrong, El Dookie.
The game isn't about talking. It's about listening.
All right, now, tonight, I'm going to try my new thing.
I'm not talking about myself; it's all about the ladies.
[clanging] OK, everyone.
Here are the rules to Hasty Hookups -
when the bell rings...
you have three minutes to talk before the bell rings again.
At which point, the men will rotate to the next lady.
[Duane] Ooh!
Hey, uh, Arnaz, thanks for coming on such short notice.
Now, remember, you're 21 and in medical school, got it?
Got it.
Can I be a surgeon?
Shh, shh, shh. Not without this. Here.
Now, go. Operate!
So, check your teeth and your breath.
Let the hookups begin.
Yes, you could get lost in my eyes,
but I'd rather get lost in the sound of your voice.
Well, usually I'd say that walks in the park
and sunsets are my favorite things, but I'm really enjoying listening to you.
Please, tell me more about your stitches.
Don't get a brother wrong. I...
[scoffs] I can bring it. You know?
It's just, you know, sometimes,
a brother just want to hold hands and cuddle.
Don't tell my boys about this, you know?
I'm Cuban.
Do you know what that means?
I'm great at stickball.
Excuse my subtlety.
Blood. I like that.
So, after I finished medical school, I did my residency at the Mayo Clinic.
You know, they discovered mayonnaise there.
I'm a mustard man, myself.
What are you staring at?
You think Tiger's golf swing's all that?
You haven't seen anything until you've seen my follow-through.
Oh! Girl, I'm scared of you, talking about your shot at 86.
I can't wait to see that scorecard.
Well, it's in a frame on my wall,
so I guess you'll have to come to my apartment for that, huh?
With flowers and a bottle of wine.
Red or white?
Mmm!
[ding]
Hey, I don't think I want you to leave!
Play through, brother. Vamanos, vamanos.
I need to see a pay stub first.
Uh, time, ding, rotate.
I'm a social worker.
Well, more of an advocate for children, really.
If there's a child in danger, it's my job to save them.
Oh, do you wear a cape?
Listen to me! I must be going on too much about what I do.
Oh, no, no.
I love listening to you. Please...
Then why don't we get together tomorrow night,
and you can hear me talk some more?
Mmm, it's a date.
And I want to see your checking account, your savings account...
Do you have a house?
[ding] Oh, thank God.
Breanna... it's Friday night.
Hanging out with your dad during the week is one thing,
but on the weekends?! Only white people do that.
And what about thug passion?
Girl, you don't understand.
I want to go to Dave and Dan's with you guys, but I can't.
My dad needs me, and a pact is a pact.
Look... I didn't want to have to use this, but...
this is my man's friend.
Mother of all that is perfection!
Is he real?
Or did you cut him out of my dreams?
Oh, uh...
Breanna, I just got some bad news.
I found out I'm gonna have to work late tonight.
That's too bad!
How long do you picture you'll be working?
Uh... I'm interviewing Serena Williams,
so, you know, it might be a while.
You know, 'cause she wants to get some things off of her chest about tennis.
Uh, so don't wait up, 'cause I'm gonna be gone...
Long... it's... long, uh, really long I'll be gone.
Yeah, yeah, it's OK, but when you come home, don't wake me.
I'm going to be sound asleep.
You know, with my eyes closed tight
and not moving a muscle.
And alone, and-and not making a sound.
Ooh, Daddy, I'm just gonna be sleeping.
OK, now, if you don't want me to do this interview,
I-I can blow it off.
No, no, it's OK. I understand.
I get the picture.
It's your job.
- OK, good, baby. - All right.
- All right, bye. - Bye-bye.
Oh, say it with me, girl.
♪ It's you and me ♪
♪ I'm finally free ♪
♪ What? What? ♪
So, why don't you guys go get us some more tokens?
You know, so Spirit and I can talk about you,
my little Savion Lover.
It didn't take you long to get back to your playa ways.
Well, girl, you know.
What was I thinking? No boys? It's like no air.
And to think, I just wanted to hang out with my...
[gasping] ...Daddy!
[Spirit] I know, girl. You were insane. You were all Breanna Interrupted.
No, girl, my daddy is right there.
Ooh, I got to hide. I gotta...
How's my form, Flex?
Ah, it's great. I can't wait to get you out there on the fairway.
Flex, you're a great date.
You're a wonderful listener.
Oh...
You took me to a nice dinner. I think we're really...
- hitting it off. - Oh!
I can't wait to see where we go next.
Well, I was thinking about taking you to...
Breanna!
Breanna?! Never been there, but it sure gets you excited.
No, no, no. My daughter, Breanna. She's over there.
You didn't tell me you had a daughter.
Please don't tell me you have a wife.
Well, yes. No. Uh, sort of.
Define "wife."
Wait a minute. Are you telling me you have a daughter and a wife?
No wonder you let me do all the talking. You're a nightmare.
No, no, no, no. You don't understand. See, it's my new thing.
See, I'm hiding from my daughter because I'm cheating on her.
Man, I thought I only met freaks on the internet.
Rhonda, it's not what you think.
See, my daughter broke up with both her boyfriends.
And I broke up with my fiancée, 'cause I found out I was still married,
even though I got a divorce 15 years ago.
You know what?
That whole "not talking" thing?
I get it now.
Oh, good. Stop moving. She can see me.
This is ridiculous.
- No, stay right there... - Breanna!
Your cheatin' daddy's over here.
Stop it, stop it, stop it.
H-h-hey, Daddy.
You know, I didn't want to bother you, 'cause you were on an interview.
Hey, Serena. Girl, you look different.
Don't lay your guilt trip on me,
Miss "I'm gonna be at home sleeping with my eyes closed."
"Ooh, look at me. I'm sleeping, Daddy."
You broke our pact here with Lil' Predator.
Actually, his name is Lamont.
But we can call him Lil' Predator. I'm gonna...
Look, I can see you two need some help.
And as a child welfare professional, I can tell you it's not unusual
for a parent and a child to cling to each other
and shut out the world when they've both been hurt.
You have to be with people your age, and you have to be with people your age.
As sweet as the thought, you just can't be everything to each other.
Daddy, I like her. She gets us.
Yeah. I'd like to see you again, if that's possible.
No chance. Obviously, you can't be trusted.
No, but... What are you ta...? I'm saying...
Look, Daddy, I'm sorry.
I am, too, sweetie.
But she's right.
Yeah, we should be around people our own age.
New pact?
New pact.
OK, repeat after me - ♪ Just you and me ♪
♪ Two together... ♪
Uh, Daddy?
Newer pact - no more slogans.
Agreed. All right, you gonna go home?
Uh, actually, Daddy...
my date's still here. See ya.
Watch out, fellas.
Look, everybody.
Thanks to Hasty Hookups, I got an A on my assignment.
[cheering]
Am I a great businesswoman, or what?
Call me Steadman, fellas, 'cause I am with the next Oprah.
Oh, no, baby. We gettin' married.
Mmm.
Oh, man, it's a shame that brothers need all this game to talk to a woman nowadays.
See, back in the days, smooth brothers
like Gregory Hines didn't need all that game.
- All they needed was space. - Watch out. Watch out.
- I love you, Daddy. - Love you, too, Netta.