Ben, it's your turn to take out the garb--
Hey, you know you can't listen in when Dad talks with one of his mental patients.
He's not talking to a mental patient. It's Mom.
Well, that's probably worse. You still shouldn't snoop.
[SINGSONG] It's juicy stuff.
-Ben, you can't-- -It's about Mike.
Hey, I see Ben's been into the Goofy Glue again, huh?
[WHISPERS] Shh. Mike, I gotta warn you before it's too late.
-What? -For 5 bucks.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Yeah.
What, you guys think I'm stupid just because I'm related to you?
Okay, it's your funeral.
All right, all right, I owe you 5 bucks. What is it?
Your report card came in the mail today.
Oh, no.
That's what Dad said.
Well, how bad could it be?
Dad says you're this close to becoming a good-for-nothing bum.
Okay, just tell them you haven't seen me, okay?
Oh, wait a minute. There's the little matter of the 5 bucks.
Yeah.
Try and collect.
CAROL: Hi, Mike, it's good to see you. BEN: Hi, Mike, nice to see you.
CAROL: You're home? BEN: Nice to see you, Mike.
Don't you go anywhere.
Your mom and I will wanna have a word with you in a few minutes.
Okay, now, was it really, really worth it to sell your own brother out for a mere $5?
CAROL: Yeah, absolutely. BEN: Sure, definitely.
Jason, what are we going to do with Mike?
Maggie, we've been asking the same question...
...ever since his first report card in kindergarten.
I know, but he's a year and a half away from graduating.
I wouldn't bet on it.
D. D-plus.
D-minus-minus.
Teacher comment number 64, which is:
-"I've had it. I'm quitting teaching." -Tsk. Oh.
The real comment is our old favorite here:
BOTH: Student is not realizing full potential.
Jason, what is going to become of Mike after he graduates?
I mean, no college, no skills.
What job can a person get when all they have is a smile and nothing to back it up?
He can go to Hollywood, become an actor.
I realize that as a psychiatrist...
...you work hard at not letting your emotions get the best of you.
But at this moment I'm asking myself, "Why didn't I marry a fiery urologist?"
Maggie, I'd rather think than rant, okay?
So, what are you thinking?
I think there must be a more effective way to get through to Mike.
-Good. What is it? -I don't know.
And you call that thinking?
-How would you get through to him? -Me?
-Yeah. -Oh. Well, I'd....
Okay. I'd, um....
Yeah, and this is good.
You know that speech you're giving at Boston College?
The one you made me listen to three times?
No, I know the one you asked to hear three times.
-That's the one. Ha, ha. -Mm.
Anyway, take him with you.
Show him around. Let him see what he'll be missing...
-...if he doesn't get his act together. -Maggie, that's a terrible idea.
-It is? -But you know what I could do?
I could take him to Boston with me and soft-sell him about college.
Show him around the campus? Let him see what he'll be missing?
-Yes. -I wonder where you come up with this.
Maggie, this is great.
Oh, Michael?
He won't be able to resist my magical powers of persuasion.
I'll have the whole weekend to spend with him.
Hi, Mike. Have a seat. Your mom and I--
Hold it, I know what this is about. You've been talking about my future plans.
And I myself have a few remarks on this subject.
Have a seat, Dad.
Now, what's all this fuss about the future?
-Mike. -No, no, Mom, Mom.
Come on. I have got this handled, all right? I have made a decision in my life...
...to become very successful and make a lot of money.
Uh-huh.
You guys are probably asking yourselves, "How is he gonna do this?"
BOTH: How is he gonna do this?
It's all right here in black and white, Mom.
"Vinnie Furbo's shiftless man's way to big bucks"?
Keep reading.
"I made a million smackeroos and I'm just an average Joe like you.
And you don't need a big-deal college education...
...or any special skills.
All you need is two free hours a week and a winning smile."
I've found my calling.
I won't take up any more of your guys' time, but I will promise you this:
When I make my first million...
...I'm gonna buy you guys some decent clothes.
-Mike, can I see that, please? -Yeah, sure, Dad.
Son, as I said before, will you have a seat, please?
Uh.... Is this gonna be another one of those college talks?
-No. MAGGIE: Yes, it is.
-No, it isn't. -Yes, it is.
-No, isn't. -Is.
[MAGGIE & JASON LAUGH]
Now, we've been through this before, Mike.
What's the point of another lecture, right?
No, son of mine, I've got this two-day trip to Boston coming up and I thought:
"Hey, why don't we make it a guys' getaway?"
What's the catch?
There's no catch, Mike. Come on, it'll be fun.
Just the two of us hanging out in Beantown.
You've been under a lot of academic pressure lately...
...and, well, maybe what you really need is just a break. Hm?
Come on, you've earned it.
[JASON CHUCKLES]
Where does all this stupid garbage end up?
Well, it's taken to a factory, turned into video tape...
...and then they record rock videos on it.
Wow.
Carol, I need you to lend me a suitcase.
They decided to kick you out of the house?
Yes.
No, they didn't kick me out of the house.
A girl can dream.
As a matter of fact, Dad's taking me on a trip to Boston...
...for a guy getaway.
Wait a minute.
You get called in because of your crummy grades...
...and end up on a trip to Boston?
What am I doing wrong here?
A lot, Carol, but that's not the point.
For your information, Mom and Dad didn't wanna talk about my grades.
-What? -No, they didn't even bring them up.
They were in a great mood.
Mike, if Mom and Dad were in a great mood after seeing your grades...
...then we have just experienced a miracle.
I mean, my guess is that this house is gonna be turned into a shrine.
And then thousands of D students are gonna line up...
...to light candles in your name.
Mike Seaver, patron saint of underachievers.
I'll get my own suitcase.
Oh, this batch of garbage has David Lee Roth written all over it.
Ben, if I told you that Mom and Dad didn't yell at Mike...
...because of his grades, and instead, Dad was taking him on a fun trip to Boston...
...what would you think?
I'd think that Dad is trying to trick Mike...
...into caring about college by taking him to his old school.
Ben, you're right. This is right. It's all a trick.
Sure. What'd you think?
The captain has extinguished the "fasten seat belt" sign.
Please feel free to move aimlessly about the cabin.
[JASON & MIKE CHUCKLE]
-All right, Mike, we're on our way. -Yeah.
You realize this is the first time you and I have taken a trip together?
-Yeah. -I mean, as just two men hanging out.
Dad, what you say we look for some chicks, huh?
Very funny. Heh.
-We're gonna have some big fun. -Yeah.
The only obligation I have is to make that speech on campus.
That's not gonna take very long.
As long as I have to go to the campus, why don't you come?
I could show you around my college.
The place where I had some of the best years of my life.
Ah, I don't know, Dad, maybe I ought to stay at the hotel and find some women.
Mike. Well, if it's women you're interested in...
...you know you're missing a bet not coming to this campus.
-Yeah? -Oh, yeah.
Hundreds. And all of them hungry for knowledge.
I guess it'd be a shame to miss that speech, wouldn't it, Dad?
Right.
-We could spend the whole day there. -Okay.
-How about it? Are you--? -Nuts?
-Yeah, I love these. Ha, ha. -Oh, yeah, yeah.
-Do either of you like something to drink? -Oh, well, I--
Because no one else does on account of a short flight and everything.
It would really save me a lot of trouble if I didn't have to haul out that drink cart.
That's fine. Thank you.
Well, you know, I remember when I first went to that college.
I had no clue what I wanted to do with the rest of my life.
But there's something about being there that brought it all into focus.
And that's when I realized there was only one career for me.
-Huh. -Racecar driver.
[JASON CHUCKLES]
So they sent me to the school psychiatrist and the rest is mental-health history.
Hey, kid. Uh, can I borrow your barf bag?
-Here, keep it. -Yours too.
Oh. Yeah.
-Sure, enjoy. -Thanks.
So, Mike, what are your plans?
Um.... I'm wide open, Dad.
This is gonna be a guys' getaway weekend for me.
I don't mean just for the weekend. I mean, for the future too.
How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Ten years? Um....
Old.
-Mike, you'll be 26. -Yeah. Ooh.
-All right, two years from now. -Two years.
Better yet, tell me how you see yourself two days after graduation.
-What are you gonna be doing? -Simple.
Me, Eddie and Boner, we're heading down to Fort Lauderdale.
All right. One week after graduation.
Still partying.
Mike, come on, before you know it it's gonna be graduation.
Come on, Dad, that's a whole year and a half away.
Yeah, but the things that you get a chance to do now...
...the decisions you'll make affect the rest of your life.
Time is precious.
Oh, whoa.
Dad, you see that fox heading up to the lounge?
-I gotta go check her out. -Mike, we're talking.
About time being precious.
Tell me about it, Dad, this plane lands in 15 minutes. I gotta move.
JASON: Mike? Mike.
Ah, she wasn't interested, Dad. She was married.
-Mike, I don't wanna talk about that. -Me either, it's depressing.
I wanna stick to the original topic of discussion, okay?
What was the original topic, Dad?
How you're going to improve your grades, Mike.
-When did that become the topic? -Years ago.
Come on, Dad, this isn't my idea of a guys' getaway.
How do I get through to you?
How do I make you realize that for the rest of your life...
...you're gonna be affected by what you do now?
What makes you so sure I don't?
When's the last time you spent more than 15 minutes doing your homework?
Dad, it's not the quantity of time that I spend, it's the quality, right?
You just don't get it, do you?
I mean, would it help if I took away your car until your grades improve?
Attention, attention. Excuse me.
We have a small emergency.
Oh, no, no, we're gonna crash!
-No, no, I don't think so. -Think? Aah!
Hey, hey, we've just got a little medical emergency here.
-Lighten up. Gee. -Oh, oh.
Now, is there a doctor onboard?
-I'm a doctor. -Oh. Terrif. Hi.
Listen, the woman sitting behind you, this guy's wife...
...she says she's going into labor.
Well, I can take a look at her.
-Don't you need a little black bag? -I'm a psychiatrist.
Doc, she don't think she's having a baby, she's having a baby.
-A psychiatrist is a medical doctor. -Oh.
Hey, uh, don't tell my wife you're a headshrinker, huh?
Hello, hi. I'm Dr. Seaver. I understand you're going into labor.
-Well, how far apart are the contractions? -Ooh. My-- My water broke.
[PANTING]
-Have the captain radio for an ambulance. -Ambulance, ambulance!
Everything's fine. We'll be on the ground long before the baby arrives.
CAPTAIN [OVER PA]: Hi, folks, this is Captain Kirk.
Logan International is having a little fog problem and we're gonna circle a bit.
So relax and have a drink.
Oh, no, no, no. Everything's going wrong here.
Calm down. There's no reason to panic. Everything's fine.
Yeah. You don't see me throwing a fit...
...and I've gotta haul out that stupid drink cart.
Okay, there's more room up here. You'll be more comfortable.
[SIGHS]
Why do we need more room?
What's gonna happen? You said we'd be on the ground.
-Didn't he say that? -He did.
Oh, oh, oh.
Okay, what do we do now? Boil water, rip sheets, what?
-Honey, you're scaring me. DAN: Yeah.
You're scaring me too. Will you sit over here please?
Susan, you sit right there.
-In the magic carpet lounge? -Yeah.
[DAN & SUSAN PANTING]
Dan, you know, you could be a big help if you take a stroll, all right?
-Calm down. -Yeah, that's it.
I'll take a nice brisk walk outside. It'll do me good.
Mike, will you watch him, please?
All right, Dad, but if he opens the door he's on his own.
[GROANING]
Ooh. Yes. Are you comfortable, Susan?
I haven't been comfortable in five months, doctor.
-Doctor, a word in el "privatay"? -Yeah.
-No. STEWARDESS: It's okay.
What did the captain say?
It would take an hour for the fog to clear...
...and at least 45 minutes to divert to another airport.
Oh, damn, this baby's coming in a half an hour.
Tell your Captain Kirk he's either gotta land this plane...
...or he's gotta beam me up an obstetrician.
Ha-ha-ha. That's so cute.
[GROANING]
I told her she shouldn't fly.
The doctor said no. But does she listen to me?
Apparently not.
-You think she'll be okay? -Oh, yeah, she'll be fine.
My dad is a great...psychiatrist.
But now he's dealing with the other end.
-What's your name? -Uh, Mike.
What's my name?
Dan, that's it. Okay.
Okay, Mike. Ha, ha. I'm feeling much better now.
I'm completely calm.
Calm? Why shouldn't you be calm? What's going on?
DAN: Let's go back upstairs, Mike.
-Keep pushing, Susan. Keep pushing. -When does the pain stop?
-In about 18 years. -Oh!
-It's happening. -It's happening.
-Dan, get ahold of yourself. DAN: Where?
-Buttercup. -Sweetheart.
-Munchkin. DAN: Baby doll.
Man, please get the hell out of here. You're making me feel awful.
Yeah, but I'm your coach.
If I need a coach, you're the first one I'll call.
Now, get out.
-Don't take it personally, Dan. -Yeah, I know, doc.
I know. I took Lamaze classes, Mike.
And I know a woman tends to freak out when she reaches the final stage of labor.
-The final stage of labor. -Mike.
I got him. Dan, tell me about those racecar classes.
Cars?
[SUSAN GROANING]
Got a sec?
Doctor, I have two messages from Captain Kirk.
First, he says he can have you on the ground in 65 seconds...
...but he doesn't think you'd enjoy the landing.
And second...
...he didn't care for your Captain Kirk joke as much as I did.
[SUSAN SCREAMS]
-You hear that? -I think everybody heard that.
Oh, I blew it.
That's all there is to it, I blew it. Don't argue with me, kid.
-I'm a wimp. Go ahead and say it. -Okay, you're a wimp.
Who asked you? Wouldn't you be freaking out if your wife was having a baby?
Heck, I'd freak out if I even had a wife.
What kind of father am I? I can't even watch my own kid being born.
I mean, my kid's gonna hate me.
Aw, this whole deal of having a baby, big mistake.
Hey, you know, I have never gotten why people even have kids.
Hey, everybody knows why you have kids.
You do it to bring somebody into the world that's part you and part your wife.
-Uh-huh. -Yeah.
I mean, it's like having somebody around who can learn from your mistakes.
I mean, like, uh....
Say, somewhere down the line...
...all of a sudden my kid wants to, say, uh, move to Pittsburgh.
I say, "No way, I lived there."
And if he ever wants to be cool and smoke, I'll tell him:
"You ain't gonna do that, pal. It took me three years to quit."
And if you ever, ever think of quitting school...
...it'll be over my dead body.
You see, I done that, and it stinks.
All right, I won't quit. I won't.
Oh. Ahem.
Sorry, Mike.
[SIGHS]
I guess I'm not myself today, huh?
Hey, it's okay, I know another father who yells a little.
Yeah, what am I gonna do with this kid...
...when he wants to make some stupid mistake?
What do you mean? You straighten him out.
Ah, he'll just think I'm on his case.
Who cares what he thinks? He's just a kid.
Now, who knows more, you or him?
-You're right. -Yeah.
I am.
Maybe you ought to have a kid, kid. Ha-ha-ha.
[BABY COOING]
Will you listen to that? Now, who'd bring a little baby on a--?
A baby. It's a baby.
It's my baby. It's our baby. We had a baby.
[ALL APPLAUDING]
-Honey. -Honey.
-Honey, we have a son.
A son? Hey, Mike, a son.
Yeah, right. Way to go.
DAN: He's so.... So...
...young.
Yeah, isn't he beautiful?
-Congratulations, Pop. Ha-ha-ha. -Yeah.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
All right, Dad.
You know, I gotta hand it to you, Dad. You really know what you're doing.
Well, I think we have to give some of the credit to the mother.
[JASON CHUCKLES]
You know, you are really something.
Thank you.
Dad, this college thing, um....
You know, if you think this is really important...
...then maybe I should give it a shot.
-What's the catch, Mike? -No, Dad, there's no catch.
I've just been thinking. I mean, who knows more, you or me?
Hey, doc, from now on we're gonna have all our kids...
...delivered by a psychiatrist.
He's a psychiatrist?
NEWSCASTER [ON TV]: And in tonight's local news roundup: drama.
This afternoon on what began as a routine commuter flight to Boston--
Boston? Ben, turn that back.
Boston?
Dan and Susan Columbo left New York as a couple...
...and landed in Boston as a family.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
That's right, you guessed it.
Mrs. Columbo gave birth to a 7 pound, 1 2 ounce bouncing baby boy.
Look, it's your dad.
Oh, and Mike.
The newest Columbo was delivered by Dr. Jason Seaver...
...who is of all things, a psychiatrist.
We asked him what it was like to deliver a baby at 30,000 feet.
Well, storks have been doing it for years. Ha-ha-ha.
-Hi, Mom. BEN & MAGGIE: Hi, Mike.
Hi, Maggie.
Hey, if you think this is news, wait till I get home.
It worked. Mike's going to college.
Oh, great. He gets to be on TV too.
[MAGGIE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
NEWSCASTER [ON TV]: Mother and baby are doing fine.
[JASON CHUCKLES]
-Well? -Well, I can't argue with you, Maggie.
I looked good.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Well, should I rewind it?
No, I think three times is enough for one afternoon.
Oh, honey, when I see how good you look on television, you know what occurs to me?
-What? -Maybe you've missed your calling.
Oh. Ha-ha-ha.
You know, I think you'd be great on television.
Did it ever occur to you?
Maggie, I'm perfectly happy doing what I'm doing.
-Well, just a thought. -Mm.
[SIGHS]
Here's Jason. Ha-ha-ha.
No.
[ENGLISH - US - SDH]