♪ I don't know why I love you
♪ But I do
♪ I don't know why I cry so
♪ But I do
♪ I only know I'm lonely
♪ And that I want you only
♪ I don't know why I love you
♪ But I do
♪ I can't sleep nights
♪ Because I feel so restless
♪ I don't know what to do
♪ I feel so helpless
♪ And since you've been away
♪ I cry both night and day
♪ I don't know why I love you
♪ But I do
♪ My days have been so lonely
♪ My nights have been so blue
♪ I don't know how I stand it
♪ But I do ♪
MICHAEL: $2,000. Gentleman in the stripey tie over there.
$3,000, Yvonne on the telephone.
4,000, 5,000, 6,000,
7,000, 8,000.
Against the telephone at $8,000.
Against the room
at $8,000. Anyone can join in. (CROWD CHUCKLES)
Thank you. $9,000, 10,000,
11,000, 12,000.
Any more?
She's still talking,
but now she's got her mum on the line.
(CROWD CHUCKLES) So sold to you, sir, for $12,000.
You are bidder number 909.
Moving on. Lot number 84.
Uh, oil on canvas, dated 1870.
La Femme Chez Aube, which translates as, um...
Uh, woman with massive bottom.
This one is signed by Rudolph Waldemar,
authenticated by no less than Dr. Briskind,
and bidding up here at $14,000.
Thank you. 15 at the back.
16, lady left of the center aisle.
17, 18,
19, 20,
21,
22,
23... No more?
All through.
All done.
And... Yes, thank you, sir.
New bidder.
Gentleman on the left of the aisle. $24,000.
Not really. It's a cruel joke.
So... (CHUCKLES) (ALL LAUGH)
Sold to you, sir, for $23,000,
or $11,500 per buttock.
(ALL LAUGH) Lot number 85.
German school. Od und Kleer das Meer.
Right.
Well, this is very embarrassing, ladies and gentlemen.
It now turns out that Lot 85 through to the end of your catalog are, in fact,
not actually here.
Um, delivery problem.
(INDIGNANT CHATTER) If it's any consolation, we feel
as stupid as I'm sure we look.
Thank you very much.
It's a nightmare. We are a laughingstock. I'm a laughingstock.
They just showed up. The trucks?
Yeah. Oh, lovely.
Just in time for the end of the auction.
Will you remind me to thank them?
Listen, Helen, everything's fixed for tonight, yeah? Yes.
Great. The reservation, flowers, did you do all that stuff?
Yes. All taken care of.
Brilliant. Thank you so much. Thanks.
Um, listen, you don't think...
Three months is too soon, do you?
You know, I haven't even met her family yet.
I mean, what do you think, as a woman?
As a woman? Yeah.
Very risky.
Right. Well, thanks.
That's, uh... Made me feel a lot better.
All right, so let me get this straight.
You've brought me just under half the paintings,
just over two weeks late
for the fifth time this year.
You gonna sign, or do we take it all back?
That's it, is it? That's your response to this?
All right, guys, load it up.
MAN: Load 'em up. I'll sign. Lovely.
Thank you so much. You've been a huge help.
Note. Call Better Business Bureau.
(LAUGHING)
Other note.
Seek lost testicles.
Michael. Need a lift?
Oh, Philip. It's very nice of you, no.
I'm actually gonna pick up Gina from her school.
So... That's fine.
We're going that way. Hop in.
Now, then, do you know Mr. Morganson?
Michael Felgate.
Oh, yeah. Very nice to meet you.
We're very excited that you might be thinking of us
for your father's collection. Yes.
Mr. Morganson was at today's sale.
Ah, (CHUCKLES) well, not typical,
if I may say so, but, uh...
You know, having said that, I think every auction house
in New York has these little delivery hiccups sometimes.
Sotheby's doesn't seem to.
Right.
(ON AN EVENING IN ROMA BY DEAN MARTIN PLAYING)
Michael, I heard about tonight.
Best of luck.
Thanks.
♪ Down each avenue or via
♪ Street or strada ♪
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTS) All right, do it again.
GINA: Oh, don't laugh.
(GRUNTING)
BOY: Whoa, you're dangerous!
BOY: Okay, show me that again.
♪ On each lover's arm a girl
♪ I wish I knew ♪
STUDENTS: Whoo!
WOMAN: Go, girl!
Hi.
So, where are we going?
I am unable to tell you,
but I will tell you it's somewhere very special.
Good-bye. WOMAN: All right!
STUDENTS: Bye!
Bye, Miss Vitale.
MICHAEL: And we're late. Run.
♪ So meet me in the plaza
♪ Near your casa
♪ I am only one, and one is much too few
♪ On an evening in Roma ♪
(LAUGHING) Please, don't.
What? Don't what?
Just stop.
Just stop. Otherwise I can't go on.
Just run normally.
I am running normally.
Oh, oh, right, I'm sorry.
I thought... You know...
Well, I guess I haven't seen you run before,
and I thought you were doing a funny run.
A funny run?
That's my run.
What time is it?
Uh, we're now 25 minutes late.
We'll have lost our reservation. What do you think?
I can't think. I'm much too hurt about my run.
We'll go somewhere else, and, um, let's walk.
(GONG CHIMES)
MICHAEL: Thanks.
Are you okay?
You look a little fishy. No, I'm fine.
So, look, how was last night?
Fine. The usual.
Your dad okay?
Yeah, he's great.
Michael.
I'm sorry.
I want you to meet him and Ritchie. It's just--
I know. You're ashamed of me. I talk funny.
My hair's unusually fluffy.
Just give me time.
Well, at least tell me what his restaurant's called.
Then I could sneak in in a beard or something.
It's called The La Trattoria.
You mean La Trattoria.
Mmm, no.
The La Trattoria means The The Trattoria.
I know.
Interesting.
Well, look, I've got to go to the the bathroom,
and I'll be back in a sec.
Hi.
I was wondering if you could help me out
with a special arrangement.
I've got this fortune, and I wondered
if you could stick it in one of your fortune cookies.
MICHAEL: Thank you.
Welcome.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Welcome.
Uh...
I think she wants you to pay now.
OWNER: No.
You eat cookie.
No, it's...
(GROANS)
Looks like we better eat our cookies.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Uh...
"You like Chinese food."
GINA: Well, that's spooky.
You gonna check yours?
Oh, no, I'm gonna save it for later.
Eat cookie.
That's all right. I'm sure she will
when she's ready. No. You have it.
No. You eat cookie.
I don't want to.
(MAN SHOUTS IN MANDARIN)
(SHOUTS IN CANTONESE)
Eat cookie! No, I'm not hungry.
Gina, you know, I think the best thing is to play along.
No, I don't feel like taking orders from a waitress.
OWNER: Not waitress, owner!
Eat fuckin' cookie!
This woman is insane.
Gina, do you love me?
Yeah. Do you trust me?
Yeah.
Then eat the cookie.
"Good fences make good neighbors." Hmm?
Oh, my god, Jeffrey!
Oh, uh, yes!
The answer is yes! What?
Oh, my god, honey!
I can't... (GASPS) Excuse me.
(WOMAN GASPING)
JEFFREY: What are you talking about?
I am so sorry. There's been a mistake.
That's actually your one.
It's quite true, too.
This is what you're meant to have.
And, um...
This.
Ta-da.
Oh, my god.
OWNER: Two carat.
How much money? What you pay?
We could really use some privacy here, thanks.
(SHOUTS IN CANTONESE)
Please, just give us a moment. Not waitress.
Owner. My restaurant. I know.
Go away.
Michael, my god.
I don't know what to say.
Well, I thought what she said
was pretty good. Don't touch me! (SOBS)
Obviously you could leave out the "Jeffrey" bit.
I can't. Sorry.
(WOMAN SOBBING)
I'm so sorry. I... It's just...
JIMMY: Hey, Michael.
Hi, Jimmy, listen, did Gina just come back?
Yeah, she came back, all right, crying her eyes out.
She packed her bag and ran straight back out again.
What the hell you been doing to her?
I, um...
Asked her to marry me.
No.
Are you kidding me?
Hey! (CHUCKLES) Right.
Hey! (GRUNTS)
Come here, you.
That is great. Jimmy...
She didn't, by any chance, say where she was going, did she?
(SIGHS) I think she went to her dad's house.
You don't have that address, by any chance? No, I don't.
But you could ask him.
He's got a restaurant right around the block.
Corner of Mulberry.
Oh, right, the, um, La Trattoria.
That's the one.
Hey!
You dog, you!
I'm a bit of a dog. Thanks so much, Jim.
Hey, all the best, huh?
(DIALING)
(LINE RINGS)
MAN: Hello? Hi. It's Jimmy.
Is Mr. Vitale in?
(INDISTINCT REPLY) Yeah, I got some great news for him.
(ELISIR BY PAOLO CONTE PLAYING)
(THEME FROM A SUMMER PLACE PLAYING)
(DOOR CLOSES)
Excuse me.
I was hoping you might be able to tell me--
Hey, you're Michael.
Yeah. I'm Ritchie.
Oh, right. (CHUCKLES) Hi.
Yeah, great to meet you.
You look a lot like Gina. Huh.
You don't look like her at all.
I'll go get my dad.
Oh, no, that's okay. Um...
I just needed his home address.
You're Gina's guy, right?
Right, yeah.
You own that auction house. Uh, well, no.
I just run it for the owner, actually.
Interesting line of business.
What's the deal with that?
You get to pick the paintings?
MICHAEL: Uh, I used to.
Now I just get to pick fights with truck drivers.
(CHUCKLES) Delivery problems, huh? Right, yeah.
WOMAN: You know, I, um...
I love art.
Uh-huh? Yeah.
What's that supposed to mean?
Johnny, it don't mean nothing.
Vinnie. What did I say?
JOHNNY: You know what you said.
What, do you like the guy? You find him attractive? What?
For Christ's sakes, Johnny.
There's something going on here, Vinnie!
Nothing's going on!
VITO: Gianni!
Piglia la macchina.
I apologize.
My son is very emotional.
Artistic.
I think you understand.
Yeah, absolutely.
Um...
Look, I hate to disturb Mr. Vitale when he's busy.
I was just wondering, does anyone here have his home--
Michael.
MICHAEL: Mr. Vitale.
My God.
Michael, finally.
You know, Gina keeps telling me how busy you are,
but, uh, hey, better late than never, right?
Right.
So, did you meet everyone?
Yeah, I think so.
FRANK: Vinnie. How you doin'?
MR. VITALE: Carmine. Louie.
And this is Uncle Vito.
A pleasure. MICHAEL: Likewise, yeah.
So, yeah, right, are you mostly family, then?
Mostly. Ah.
(PLAYS SISTER SLEDGE'S WE ARE FAMILY)
You two should talk.
Right. Good, good, good. This way?
Hey, good luck with them trucks.
Thanks. Look, Mr. Vitale, it's really nice to meet you at last,
but I actually just dropped by to ask you a question.
Is that right? A question? Yeah.
I think I have an idea what that question might be.
You do?
But if we're gonna do this right,
don't you think we should get to know each other a little first?
Uh, yeah. I suppose so. Good.
(GRUNTS) You know something, Michael?
I think I'm gonna like you. (CHUCKLES)
I believe very deeply in first impressions.
I fell in love with my wife at first sight.
And the minute they showed that, uh...
That Charles Manson on the news,
I said, "I know this guy's up to no good."
Now I see you for the first time, and...
I know you love my daughter.
Look, Mr. Vitale, here's the thing-- Ah!
Frank. Frank.
I-- Listen, come on. I want to show you something.
For Christ's sakes, Ritchie, I can't hear myself think!
What's wrong with you?
I don't know!
♪ We are family
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ya ♪
Kid's got a 174 IQ, and what do you get?
An idiot. I mean, he's my son, and I love him.
And I wish there was another word. There isn't.
Mr. Vitale, do you have a bathroom?
Yeah, down the hall there. You can't miss it.
Come upstairs when you're through. Yeah.
(EXHALES)
(MAN SHIVERS)
Take a look at this.
MICHAEL: Um, Mr. Vitale... Yeah.
There's a man in the freezer.
I know. Maintenance.
Come here, come here. Come here.
You, uh, you recognize this person?
The best student they ever had.
Here she is with her mother.
Gina has her eyes, you'll notice.
About a week after this day,
her mother passed away.
And a week after that, Gina was back at school studying harder than before
and coming home every night trying to take care of me and Ritchie.
Oh, she's still doing it. (SNIFFS)
I apologize.
(SNIFFLES)
But, uh,
as you may have guessed, I am, uh...
Crazy about my Gina.
Oh, my god. I am so thrilled
that she met someone who knows exactly how she deserves to be treated.
Right.
Like a fuckin' princess.
Right. You know, Mr. Vitale,
I think I should really tell you about what happened tonight.
Whoa, Michael. I, uh, I got a confession to make.
I already know.
Oh, you do? Her doorman called me.
Oh, no, no--
When he called with the good news,
I knew.
This Michael, he's a gentleman.
He's coming to ask for my daughter's hand.
So, go ahead.
(CHUCKLES)
May I...
Please have your daughter's hand in marriage...
Mr. Vitale?
Uh...
Frank?
Dad. Dad.
Yes. (CHUCKLING)
Ah, what a kid.
Yeah!
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
I'm sleeping, Daddy.
Gina?
It's me.
(GASPS)
Oh!
I love you so much.
I love you.
Then why did you have to do this?
Everything was perfect.
Why did you have to go and ruin it?
I didn't mean to.
I just thought, you know--
No, I know, and I do.
(SOBS) I do so much.
Well, then, that's great. That's fantastic.
But I can't. I... (SOBS) I just can't!
Gina, I'm not following. I...
What's happening?
I can't talk about this in the house.
No.
So where are we going?
Out.
Right. Nowhere too dressy, I hope.
Uh, Gina. Ugh!
I can't marry you because of my father.
Your father?
Gina...
I just met your father.
I loved him.
Yeah, well, I needed this address,
so I went to The The Trattoria.
I met some of your relations.
Okay.
Keep walking.
So, who'd you meet?
Nice Uncle Vito?
Yeah.
Full name, Vito Graziosi. That ring any bells?
Was it boxing?
Vito "The Butcher" Graziosi.
He's the head of the Graziosi crime family.
Did you meet Johnny?
Johnny Graziosi. He just finished eight years in Sing Sing for loansharking.
Vinnie? Vinnie "The Shrimp" D'Agostino?
20 years for double murder!
Do you get the picture now?
I don't understand. Are you saying your...
Your dad's some kind of mob caterer?
My father was in prison till I was eight, Michael.
He's one of them.
Wow.
Just keep walking.
Oh, I should have told you months ago.
Or, I mean, just walked away. I mean, normally I would have,
but... But I couldn't because I was so happy.
Wait, listen. I don't want to marry your father--
But you will, Michael, whether you like it or not.
Him and his friends.
And I can't let that happen to you because I love you,
and everything they touch ends up spoiled and corrupted.
Wait a minute. This is ridiculous.
For a start, I might not be corruptible.
It's a little favor, a tiny lie, and you're theirs.
(SCOFFS) Believe me, I've seen it.
No, I'm sorry, it's just...
It's just over, Michael.
Well, no.
I'm sorry, but I've waited all my life to find
someone I love as much as I love you.
I'm just not gonna let...
This or anyone come between us.
Not Vito The Butcher or Vinnie The Baker
or anyone involved in any kind of food preparation.
That's it. End of story.
But you don't know how clever they are.
No, but you do, presumably, and you can tell me. We can do this together.
(SIGHS) Completely together?
Completely.
I swear.
Now just give in.
Marry me.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
Yes!
WOMAN: Smile. You're engaged.
Great. Now just Gina and Michael.
Over here, I think. Thank you.
MAN: Happy engagement, you guys!
Okay, okay.
Say "cheese." Cheese.
Congratulations. You're right. He does talk funny.
Carol, you're really getting into this.
I know, I know.
My therapist suggested it as a way to get over my little blip.
I know. I think it's really working.
I feel terrific. Especially tonight. I am so happy for you guys.
Excuse me.
Bad breakup. Long story.
Oh!
Let's go say hello to Uncle Vito.
Come on.
Here we go.
Hey!
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Molte grazie.
Hey, Uncle Vito.
Hey, kid.
Don't you look beautiful.
Ah.
Always so beautiful. Oh.
You're like a flower.
Well, you, too, Uncle Vito.
This is so nice of you. We were really planning something much smaller.
Oh, yes, thank you.
(LAUGHS) Niente.
Your school.
How is everything?
It's pretty good.
Only two shootings last week.
Jesus Christ. It's got me sick with worry.
Why do you want to worry your father?
You wanna transfer?
I have a friend of a friend in the supervisor's office.
Thank you. I'll let you know.
(CHUCKLES) So...
Michael.
Are your family coming over for the wedding? Ah, well.
No. I, uh-- Michael's an orphan.
He was.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Mmm.
Tell me, Michael.
I'm interested to know.
Coming from a foreign culture,
you must have a different perspective on all these killings.
Well, um...
Yeah, to speak honestly,
I can't say I really approve,
but my understanding is that it's all
part of your business, and that people only get killed
who bring it on themselves.
Um...
The... The killings at Gina's high school.
I'm against them.
Ah!
Uh, Vito, what do you say we show him around the house a little?
VITO: 250,000.
You think it's worth that?
Well, like I say, that's the great thing about an auction.
Uh, you know, an object is worth whatever anyone is willing to pay for it.
That's an interesting perspective.
Now...
Tell me what you think of this one.
You like it?
MICHAEL: Wow. It's very...
Intriguing, isn't it?
Tell me, why does Jesus have a machine gun there?
VITO: It's symbolic.
You have to ask Johnny.
He does them as part of his therapy. MICHAEL: Uh-huh?
You have a very gifted son, Vito. (CHUCKLES)
FRANK: No two ways about it.
MICHAEL: Well, I must say, I like the way the...
Blood sort of oozes out of his--
I, uh, I like that, too. Cranium.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah. He's a very talented kid,
wouldn't you say, Michael? Yes, yes, I think he...
He certainly has something.
Grazie.
I'm flattered that you like it.
Uh, listen, Michael.
We should talk.
I have friends in various fields
that would be delighted
to help a friend of mine.
Well, um...
That's extremely kind of you,
but I've always had this silly thing
about standing on my own two feet in business.
I hope...
You understand.
Of course.
(CHUCKLES) I respect your feeling.
(SONG STOPS) (PEOPLE APPLAUDING IN OTHER ROOM)
(JAZZ SONG PLAYING)
♪ You're nobody
♪ Till somebody loves you ♪
I'm so proud of you.
No. You see, I am so proud of you.
No, you. No, you.
Oh, shut up. All right.
(CAMERA CLICKS) CAROL: Perfect.
I am so happy for you.
One more. (GIGGLES)
FRANK: ♪ Go find yourself
♪ Somebody to love ♪
(CROWD APPLAUDS)
(SCATTING)
Talk to Helen about tonight's catalog.
Uh, rent Goodfellas, Casino, Godfather I, II, III.
Excuse me. Can I help you?
How much is this one?
On this, the reserve is 30,000, I think. Mmm.
That being, of course, the opening bid on tonight's auction.
Oh.
Do you have much experience when it comes to buying art?
No, but I hear it can be a good investment.
Yes.
My father recently died...
And left me some money.
Your father?
That must have been a terrible shock.
You know, if, um...
You're just looking for something beautiful to put on your wall,
you might like to think about a mirror.
(LAUGHING LOUDLY)
Oh... You.
I really want a painting.
Yeah. Michael. Can I have a word?
One moment. I tell you what.
Tonight, if there's a nice painting going for less than it's really worth,
perhaps we could work out a way
in which I could let you know about it.
Ooh, you mean like a signal?
Exactly.
Listen. I have an important potential client I have to talk to,
so I'm gonna leave Helen here
to work out the exact details of this with you.
Um, where is he? Not here yet,
but the trucks are.
Well, that means they're early. Yeah. Incredible, huh?
Fantastic. Okay.
Bye.
Hello. What?
So that's everything.
MAN: Yes, sir, all 44 pieces.
I just want you to know if I've said anything
or done anything in the past that in any way
offended you, I'm, uh...
Very deeply sorry.
Ah.
Well, uh, thanks.
(EXHALES)
Michael.
Are you okay? Sorry.
Yes, yes, I'm fine.
Just, this morning's delivery was complete and on time.
It was a bit of a shock.
I can imagine.
Now, Morganson's here.
So I thought that you could soften him up a bit,
and then I'll move in for the kill.
Absolutely.
Lovely.
We do like to think that we can match Sotheby's in the two qualities
most important to any auction house.
One being, obviously, a tradition of unquestioned respectability.
And the other being, um...
For want of a better word,
shall we say class?
Well, I know Mr. Cromwell is anxious to talk to you.
(PANTING)
I'm sorry, Michael. I'm confused. What's the problem?
Well, Mr. Graziosi
wants me to auction it for $50,000.
No one... I mean, people would pay $50,000
just to avoid being in the same room as this thing. Michael, please.
Your trucks show up on time for the first time in God knows how long.
And you... You get to give a little happiness
to an important friend.
So, I mean, what's the matter with you? I thought you'd be happy.
No. Mr. Vitale--
No. Dad. No,
you don't understand. This is exactly what Gina said would happen.
This is her... I mean, if she even found out
that this thing had been sent over here--
Gina. You're early.
Hi.
Just on the phone with your dad. GINA: Oh, let me talk.
Yeah.
Hey, you. Ah. Oh, oh.
Mmm. (CHUCKLES) Daddy, you got my message?
Great. And everything's okay for tomorrow?
(SNAPS)
And tomorrow at noon's ok for the fittings?
Okay, well, here's the deal.
Now, I'm gonna be there,
and Carol is gonna come along, too, to take photos.
No. She's doing the whole wedding, so be nice.
Okay, now, we have to talk about the wedding reception.
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Gina! Whoo.
(LAUGHS) Now, I know you and mom used Louie's,
but...
(STAMMERS) Hold on.
No! (LAUGHING)
We do have two key attributes for which, in this business, there is no substitute.
The first being, obviously,
a tradition of unparalleled respectability.
And the other being, shall we say,
for want of a better word...
(GINA CHUCKLING)
Uh, we'll come back later.
MICHAEL: Right.
Fine. You know what, Daddy? We have to go.
Okay, I love you, too.
He wants to say bye.
Yeah?
FRANK: Look, it's gonna be okay.
Uh, you put the thing up for auction.
It don't sell. Gina will never know.
Oh, I don't think I can do that. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Um, listen.
This favor... If you don't do it,
it's really not that great.
I mean, not for you, and to be honest with you, not for me.
So, we'll just do it this once,
and I'll talk to Vito and explain, uh...
How in the future you two would prefer to go it alone, okay?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Is that a promise, Dad?
Yeah, that's a promise.
Fabulous.
Noon tomorrow, then, it is. Okay, bye.
What is wrong with you?
Yeah. Yeah.
You... Come here.
(BOTH GROANING)
(LAUGHS)
Yeah.
MAN ON TREADMILL: I swear to God, Frankie, I ain't got the money!
(PANTS)
All right. Now I gotta put you on mountain climb.
(BEEPING)
We worked out the signals.
What? With the old lady.
If you want her to start bidding, you cough.
Okay, easy enough.
If you want her to stop bidding,
you just say "ha."
Fine.
What? Say what?
"Ha."
"Ha"?
Okay. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
And welcome to "Portraiture, 1450-1750."
And down it goes, then, at $25,000 to bidder number 977.
And so to our final piece of the evening
and, um, a last-minute addition to your catalog,
lot number 277-A,
oil on canvas, signed by the artist.
The Road to Damascus
by Jonathan Graziosi. (AUDIENCE GASPS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
This item has a reserve of $50,000.
50,000, anyone?
No? Oh, well, too bad, then.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
That concludes the business for to--
Was that...
We have $50,000.
(PEOPLE GASP)
$50,000.
55, anyone?
All through, all done, then, at $50,000 to bidder number 235.
And, uh, I believe that's a record for a Graziosi.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, and, uh, good night.
(MURMURING)
Michael...
You snuck that last one in on me, didn't you?
Yes, I'm afraid so. I'm sorry. I--
Do that more often.
Congratulations.
Quite a painting you have for yourself, sir.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
I'm sorry. Have we, um...
Met somewhere?
I don't believe so.
But may I ask, do either of you gentlemen enjoy steak?
Very much so.
University and 9th. I'm very proud of it.
Uh, thanks. Hang on. CARLA: (YELPS) Oh! Do I know you?
JOHNNY: You'll have to keep your hands to yourself.
Michael.
Mille grazie.
You make me very proud and Johnny very happy.
CARLA: Honey, really. It's... It's...
There's something's going on here.
MAN: Hey, Johnny, come on.
All right, I-- Nothing's going on.
Yeah, I don't like your face.
MICHAEL: Hello, Frank? It's Michael.
I've been trying to get you since last night.
Listen, it sold.
Did you know that the painting actually sold?
Right on. I heard. That's great.
Did you talk to, um...
Your friend? I mean, that is it, right?
Finito, no more favors? Trust me, Michael.
Hey, it's gonna be okay. Great.
Wait, wait, sorry.
It is, or... Or it's going to be?
Hello? Hello? Frank?
Sorry, gotta go. See you at the tailor.
(HORNS HONKING)
(PHONE BEEPS)
Excuse me.
What's going on?
Big fire over on 72nd Street.
What, is it a restaurant or something?
Nah, I don't know. Some art place.
Sotheby's?
That's it.
HELEN: Michael...
There are some men here to see you from the FBI.
Good.
Good, good.
MICHAEL: We often sell works by first-time artists.
I, uh, don't see how this time is any different.
The difference is...
That this painting was bought by a restaurant owner
who owed the artist's father $50,000.
LEWIS: It's a setup. You get it?
They bought it from themselves.
MICHAEL: I don't understand.
If someone buys your painting for 50,000,
you make 50,000, but if they already owed you the money,
you make nothing. It's called money laundering.
Ah.
LEWIS: You mind?
Not at all, no.
They do it through car washes,
restaurants, bars, and last night, through you.
Have you at any time come into contact
with anyone who you thought might be connected
with organized crime of any kind?
(LEWIS STRIKES MATCH)
Absolutely not.
CONNELL: You sure about that?
I am positive.
(CHUCKLES)
Are we okay to see Michael?
Oh, he's in with the FBI.
Ah. Lovely.
Hmm. Perhaps later, then.
Have you had lunch?
Ah.
Well, thank you very much indeed for the warning.
And, uh, if anything like this crops up again,
I'll certainly be in touch.
CONNELL: We'd appreciate that.
We're dealing with something pretty ugly here.
Here's my card.
Thank you.
And, uh... Thank you.
Oh, those. Thank you.
Michael...
Gina is in reception.
Good. Thank you.
Michael.
I know what you're thinkin'. It's okay. Relax.
MAN: Mr. Felgate...
Where did you want this?
In my office. Thank you.
Quick as you can.
(ACHILLE TOGLIANI'S VIOLINO TZIGANO PLAYING)
WOMAN: Yeah.
It turns out that Vito and Johnny
are taking more of a liking to the idea
than any of us had perhaps originally anticipated. That's all.
God Almighty! It's out of control.
You can't control it, can you?
No. Listen, now. It is not out of control.
Well, I have to tell Gina. I have to tell her.
Look, tonight...
Tonight is your last auction of the season, right?
Look, all you have to do is keep Gina away from there.
Sell a painting, go on your honeymoon.
Hey, by the time you come back,
I swear, everything will be taken care of, I swear.
I am not lying to Gina. I'm not doing it.
I have to tell her.
Michael, please.
You know Gina's happiness means more to me than anything in the world.
You know that, right?
If you tell her now that you already lied,
it's all over.
God damn it!
This is your fault.
Hey, you know,
I've been on your side every step of the way here.
Yeah, well, if you were a plumber,
would we be having this conversation?
GINA: Uh...ohh.
Oh. Tsk.
Look at you.
Uh, wait. Where's Ritchie?
Oh.
CAROL: Smile!
What's the matter with you?
I don't know.
So, are you guys busy tonight, or...
No. Actually, I'm gonna go to Michael's big auction. You wanna come?
CAROL: Um... Yes. (CHUCKLES)
Gina. You know, we should talk about that.
What?
Tonight. Been thinking about it.
You know, it's quite a big deal.
Morganson's gonna be there again, and, uh...
I'm just afraid I might get put off if you were there.
I know it sounds silly. I'm just thinking I might not...
Just might not be able to see the bids,
because I'd, uh, you know...
Not be able to... Look at you.
(GASPS)
What? What, what, what?
What is it? What is it? (SOBS)
I'm fine.
(GULPS) Just, he...
He loves you so much,
and I am so happy for you.
Ohh. Oh. Oh. (SOBBING)
CAROL: No, it's so great.
(PAOLO CONTE'S COME DI PLAYING)
(CRYING)
It's so good.
(CRYING)
MICHAEL: And so finally to Lot 125-A.
And another of our occasional Jonathan Graziosis.
This unusual painting is entitled
Die, Piggy-Piggy, Die, Die
and has a reserve of $80,000.
At $80,000, then.
Anyone?
Bid.
$80,000.
(BONES CRUNCH) What?
(COUGHS)
Excuse me.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Is that...
We have $80,000.
Lady at the front.
(CHIMING) 85, anyone?
(YELPS)
Yes, $85,000. Gentleman at the back.
No advance. No one else. All through and--
$90,000.
(MURMURING)
$90,000. Ha!
MICHAEL: Anyone at $95,000?
(WHISPERING) Be smart and take her money now. Let me pay you back later!
You're supposed to buy the painting.
Yeah, but you can make double the money.
Just doing my job.
(GRUNTS) Yes. $95,000. Ha!
$100,000.
Uh, anyone at $105,000?
(SQUEALS) Yes! Ha!
$105,000. Gentleman at the back.
And may I just remind you, ladies and gentlemen,
that we recently sold a Graziosi for a record $50,000,
the most ever paid for a Graziosi.
50. Less than ha... Half the current bidding price.
Ha!
$110,000.
Anyone at 115?
Sir?
$115,000. I told ya.
Certainly, to let this go for 110
would be a crime of the greatest magnitude.
Yes, $115,000.
Gentleman at the back. All through. All done.
And down it goes at $115,000 to bidder number 702.
Terrific. And that brings us to the end of the auction,
ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much indeed. Good night.
Michael. I can't talk. I have to see Gina.
(PAOLO CONTE'S COME DI PLAYING)
(DOG BARKING)
WOMAN: Michael.
Gina told me the happy news.
I'm baking you two a cake.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, that's incredibly nice of you. Thanks.
I'll see you a bit later, then.
(KEYS JANGLING)
(LOCK CLICKING)
(LET'S STAY TOGETHER BY AL GREEN PLAYING)
MICHAEL: Gina?
Wow.
Who are you?
My God, what is this?
It's the three month anniversary of our very first date.
I'm a complete...
...idiot. Sorry.
But do you mind if we have company?
Who?
(CHUCKLES)
MAN: (OVER RECORDING) Humans and gorillas are primates.
(LAUGHS) He reminded me of you.
Yes, he would.
Happy anniversary.
BOTH: Mmm!
Oh, my god. I just feel so horrible
that I didn't remember to get anything for you. I...
Oh, my god.
Ohh. Swap?
Oh, yeah. Michael, you can't afford this!
BOTH: Mmm!
Come here.
MAN: (OVER RECORDING) I have an opposable thumb.
Wait, Gina. Hang on, hang on.
Mmm. Calm down. Calm... Calm down.
Listen, I can... I can afford it,
because, you know, things have been going
really well at work recently.
Apart from...
This one thing...
That I think we should talk about, okay?
Okay.
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
I'll... I'll go. Oh.
♪ Let's stay together ♪
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
Who is it?
♪ Loving you whether ♪
It's, uh... Jehovah bloody Witnesses.
Yeah, please go away.
Thank you. We're not interested.
(KICKING)
They must be very devoted.
Hang on.
Excuse me.
I want my money now.
Listen, I can't talk about this now. No talk. Money now.
I can't--
Johnny.
Hello, Gina.
Michael, what's going on?
All right, listen.
Prince Charles here just cost me 130 grand,
and he's gonna make it up out of his own pocket.
What's this worth? GINA: Michael.
All right. They were auctioning Johnny's paintings
to launder money. Not "they". "We."
And a connoisseur had the taste
to try to buy some of my art.
Well, she was 90 years old and blind.
She was not a connoisseur.
Your jerk fiance
wouldn't even let her bid.
Well, cheating innocent collectors
was not part of the deal!
You had a deal?
No, no.
TOY: When angered, I make this sound.
(TOY GROWLING)
If we didn't have a deal,
how come you took commission from the painting
I sold last night?
This is why you told me not to come tonight.
Gina, I was...
Because if I was there, you'd have trouble not looking at me.
Very smooth, very smooth.
I mean, did you take a commission?
Is that how you afforded this?
What's the matter? We... We burst
your little town and country bubble here?
You know, I don't know who the hell you think you are--
All right, that's it. Come on, get out.
Hey, don't touch me! Don't touch me!
All right, all right, all right.
TOY: Other primates fear the gorilla.
Don't be a moron, Johnny.
Just...just
relax, ok?
Relax.
GINA: Come on, Johnny.
You don't need the gun.
You're right. I don't.
(GRUNTS)
(EXCLAIMS)
GINA: Johnny!
I hate to do this
to such a beautiful establishment,
but you got to learn how to pay up!
(GRUNTS)
Stop.
Stop!
(GROANS)
TOY: My diet is leaves and fresh fruit.
(DROPS GUN)
GINA: Oh, my god.
MICHAEL: What happened?
Did it ricochet?
He's dead.
Oh, my god.
All right,
MICHAEL: It's not your fault, it's okay.
Here's what we do. I'm, um, gonna call the police.
No. You can't.
They own half the police.
What have I done?
Listen, don't you worry.
You go home. I'll call your father.
Daddy? Yeah.
We can deal with this.
You're one of the guys now.
Gina, listen to me. No.
That's not true. No, you're right.
This is a job for the boys.
You don't understand.
GINA: No, don't touch me.
You don't understand! I do, Michael.
I understand perfectly. I've always understood.
That's why I warned you.
That's why you swore to me this wouldn't happen. (RING CLINKS)
Gina, you have to let me explain!
I'll just put this in the kitchen.
No! No. No.
Thank you. Thank you so much,
but I just learned I'm diabetic. Oh, oh, oh!
Thank you so much for the thought, though. Oh!
(ELEVATOR CLANKING)
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(CHUCKLES)
Funny how life imitates art.
Hmm?
All right. Um...
Don't worry.
We can handle this.
It's gonna be okay.
Uh, first thing, um...
(STUTTERING) Do you have any plastic bags?
Absolutely.
Jesus. Sweet Jesus.
Here.
What am I supposed to do with that?
I don't know. Uh...
I... I thought perhaps...
The gun?
Bigger?
Right.
(GRUNTS) Sorry. Sorry.
The trick is to hook up under the armpits.
(DOOR LOCK CLACKS)
(GRUNTING)
Ah, oh.
Good evening again, Mrs. Horton.
Just, uh, getting rid of all the food with sugar.
Yeah.
♪ Hey, Mambo
FRANK: Now, look, don't push.
♪ Mambo Italiano, hey, Mambo
♪ Mambo Italiano
♪ Go, go, go
♪ You mixed up Siciliano
♪ All you Calabrese do the Mambo like a-crazy
♪ With a hey, Mambo
♪ Don't wanna Tarantella
♪ Hey, Mambo
♪ No more a-mozzarella
♪ Hey, Mambo
♪ Mambo Italiano
♪ Try an enchilada with da fish a bac a lab
♪ And a-hey, goombah
♪ I love a-how you dance a Rumba
♪ But take some advice, paisano
♪ Learn how to Mambo
♪ If you're gonna be a square
♪ You ain't a-gonna go nowhere
♪ Hey, Mambo ♪
(GRUNTING)
(SHUSHING) What?
Whoa.
Oh, shit.
(GUNSHOT)
For Chrissakes, would you stay down?
I am down.
Hey, Frankie!
Al? AL: It's Frankie.
Vitale?
Yeah.
It's Al.
(AL LAUGHING)
FRANK: Unbelievable.
Oh!
My God, Sante!
Oh, Frankie. Did you get hit anywhere?
Nah. What, are you kiddin'?
Thank God we're chickenshits, eh?
Real tough guys would've stood there
and aimed, no?
(SANTE LAUGHS)
So, uh, who's your friend?
That's Big Mickey from Kansas City,
a friend of ours.
I thought Big Mickey was dead.
The father. This is Little Big Mickey.
AL: Wasn't there a Little Big Mickey
out of Chicago?
Yeah. That's the original Little Big Mickey.
This is Little Big Mickey Blue Eyes.
Oh, so you work for Tony Two-Tone.
(GRUNTS)
FRANK: Who you got over there?
Whoa, is that Sonny Marsalino?
AL: Yeah. FRANK: I thought he was in witness protection.
AL: Took us seven years. Tracked him
and whacked him. Yeah.
"Tracked him and whacked him."
So, uh, who's your guy?
He's a nobody.
Frankie, come on. We showed you ours.
What? We in the second grade over here?
He's a witness. I really can't talk about it.
Well, then, I guess we should get these guys in the ground, huh?
FRANK: Good, good. AL: Good to see you.
You, too, huh?
SANTE: Mickey Blue. God bless.
Take care. Mickey.
Come on, let's go. We got to move him.
Come on, come on.
Oh, my god.
I got to dig?
Yeah, you dig. It's your turn.
You shot him in the head.
SANTE: Yeah, so? I whacked him. You dig.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
You know what? What?
I wish I was him.
No, you don't.
No, you're right. I wish you were him.
Here, here, here, here.
Wipe yourself.
Oh. You got a $100 bill?
Why?
Get in the car. Don't worry about it.
Look, one thing.
If any of this gets out,
I'm the one that shot Johnny, ok?
Can we at least agree on that?
You got it.
You all right?
You got my messages?
(SIGHS)
You buried him,
and then you dug him up,
and now you don't know where he is.
No, not exactly.
Yeah, I got your messages.
So,
how you feeling?
Well, obviously, it's my first murder.
On top of which, I feel like I'm going crazy,
and I'm scared, and...
And the one person I want to turn to
turns out to be a liar and a fraud,
but other than that...
I'm not a liar.
I mean, yes. I am a liar.
Just let me... (BELL RINGS)
Oh. Well, I don't think I can.
I'm sorry. I have to go.
Wait. Wait.
Hold out your hand.
Here. Just...
Hang on to it
till I've had a chance to explain.
Come over for lunch tomorrow,
and I'll listen to what you have to say.
This is Patrick Richards,
reporting from Central Park,
where police this morning found the body of
31-year-old Jonathan Graziosi,
son of reputed mob boss, Vito Graziosi.
Sources tell us the body was found
with a rolled-up $100 bill in one of the nostrils,
calling card of the notorious Risolli crime family.
Johnny Graziosi was at the beginning
of a flourishing art career.
Tony Risolli called.
They want to talk.
Okay. Set it up.
Soon as they pull up, we should blow them away.
Let's listen to what they got to say, huh?
(UNINTELLIGIBLE SQUEAKY, HOARSE VOICE)
MAN: Mr. Risolli says he swears
on the soul of his mother
he had nothing to do with this.
Then who?
(UNINTELLIGIBLE SQUEAKY, HOARSE VOICE)
A cop in the 20th precinct tipped us.
They towed Johnny's car from in front of a building
on the Upper West Side.
That's the address.
Go.
No, wait.
You don't want everyone stomping around up there like a bunch
of goddamn elephants, scaring people away.
How about I go in there with a detective's badge,
you know, ask around, keep it quiet?
We find the right zebra, we tear him to pieces.
♪ I look up and see your picture
TOY: Tickle my tummy.
(TOY LAUGHING)
♪ I have you smile just for me
♪ It brings back a lot of memories
♪ Of a love that used to be ♪
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Which apartment
was the old lady in that saw us with Johnny?
Why?
They know he was here.
Oh, God. We need to talk to her about it.
What's that?
What are you gonna do?
Michael, please, please. I am not gonna hurt her.
No, listen...
Michael, if we don't do this,
we're both gonna die. MRS. HORTON: Who is it?
FRANK: It's Michael Felgate
and his harmless friend, Frank.
No, Mrs. Horton, do not open...
What? FRANK: Mrs. Horton, we said
please open the door.
MRS. HORTON: You're Michael's friend?
The garbage helper?
Yes, the garbage helper.
(MICHAEL MUMBLING)
(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
Oh. What are you guys doing here?
AL: Hey, Frankie,
Mr. Risolli thought we should check it out.
Hey, Mickey Blue.
Hey.
Thank you very much, thank you.
Uh, If you remember anything else,
will you call that number? Thank you.
Whoo, me.
FRANK: We covered this place top to bottom,
but most of the people are at work.
How about we grab some steak
and we all come back later this afternoon? Hey.
Do we look like we ever said no to a steak?
And I got the perfect place.
You'll love it, Frank.
Follow us.
FRANK: Hey, foged aboudit.
Hey, forget about it.
Foged aboudit.
Foged... No R's.
Foget abaut it.
All right, now change the t's to D's.
Hey, foged aboud id.
"Id?"
Well, you said change the T's to the D's
for Chrissakes! Not the last one!
Well, all right, change the T's to the D's, but not the last one.
Look, foged aboud it.
Stop!
Try this one here. Uh...
Get the hell outta he. No R's
Ged da hell outta hee.
Not "hee." "he."
He.
FRANK: He! Heee.
Mmm.
Look, keep your mouth shut.
Stick this in your pants. Stick it in your pants!
Maybe you'll look the part. My god.
Well, you know, since I live there, maybe I should shoot Mrs. Horton
and save you going back with your rope.
You thought that was for strangling her?
Well, what else was it for?
To tie her up so I can take her up to my cabin.
Jesus, Mike. I mean, my god.
Sometimes I wonder what kind of person you think that I am.
I think you're the kind of person
that knows the trick for carrying a dead body.
Oh, my god.
Hey, gid oudda he.
No, just foged aboudit.
Foged aboudit.
No, forge... I mean, shut up.
Please shut up!
Foged aboudit.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
MICHAEL: Oh, my god.
I sold him the painting. He knows who I am.
This can't be happening.
This...
Hi. You gentlemen ready to order?
Well, just, um, a salad
and, uh, some mineral water.
I'm counting my cholesterol.
I'll have a sirloin medium,
fried onions, baked potato with everything on it,
and a beer.
Same.
And you?
Same.
And how do you want your steak cooked?
Re.
What?
Rah.
WAITRESS: What?
MICHAEL: Rahh.
Raw?
Rahh.
Rare?
Yeah.
Rare.
And how about to drink?
Be.
Another beer.
You talk funny.
(CHUCKLES)
You got any company while you're in town?
Hey, Antoinette...
Come here.
AL: This here's a very good friend of ours.
Kansas City Little Big Mickey Blue Eyes.
Oh, that's a mouthful.
AL: Yeah.
Sit down. Say hi to the nice man.
Hi. Hi.
So what part of Kansas City?
(GASPS)
Hey, are they taking care of you guys?
Get the hell back in your goddamn kitchen!
FRANK: I want something from you, I'll ask. Go on.
ANTOINETTE: Mmm.
ANTOINETTE: Kansas City, here I come.
(CHUCKLES)
(RECORDING PLAYS) Rent Goodfellas,
Casino, Godfather I, II, III.
Jesus Christ! It talks.
Yeah, with an accent, no less.
What is that?
Uh, ids like a liddle recorder thing.
Got id off some British asshole.
Michael!
What an amazing coincidence.
Come for one of the famous steaks?
Yeah, yeah.
Is something queer going on? No, no, no.
Is this in any way connected to that FBI business?
Philip, I can't explain at the moment.
I... I just...
What on earth was going on at the auction
last night?
Why did you keep saying "ha" like that?
We were all quite worried about you.
I'll have to explain later.
MICHAEL: I'm sorry. (WAITER GRUNTS)
Oh, my god. I am so sorry. It was completely my fault.
I can't apologize enou--
Just a liddle screw-up.
But whad da hee?
Me god id unda contwol.
Foged aboudid.
Why in the world are you talking like that?
Shaddup, asshole! I had enougha youse.
Mich-- I said shaddup.
Ged oudda he.
FRANK: All you Bwitish are the same.
You're all assholes. Go on! Ged oudda hee!
Asshole.
What are they doing? What are they doing?
They're talking to Kansas City.
But they still can't connect us to Johnny
if I get to the old lady before they do.
But she won't be there. She spends her afternoons
playing cards. I see her come home about three.
Oh, no. What?
Oh, no!
I missed meeting Gina for lunch.
So give her a call. Explain what happened.
Trust me, it'll be okay.
No, you... Just wake up, Frank!
It will not be ok!
I just assaulted my boss, I've lost my fiance,
and now your pals are gonna hunt me down and kill me.
So of all the things, "It's not gonna be okay" pretty much tops the list.
Michael, you have to stay focused.
Well, you focus on this.
You know, Gina's probably not going to forgive me, and you know why?
Because I lied to her.
And her father's been lying to her all her life,
and it hurts.
She tell you that?
Yeah.
And now it looks like I've lost
the only girl I've ever really loved,
so you know, as far as I'm concerned,
it's not bloody okay at all!
Michael.
You can't go home.
I'm going to Gina.
MICHAEL: I should never have lied to you.
I should have told you everything from the start,
but the whole thing just snowballed,
and before I knew where I was,
I was just buried in the whole thing.
But everything I did, I did out of...
MICHAEL: Fear of losing you. Can't you see that?
Gina, listen, please, just let me come up.
This is... This is ridiculous.
Why didn't you show up for lunch today?
The truth, please.
Ok, I was with your father.
We had to have lunch with these people.
MICHAEL: It was a... It was a nightmare--
Yeah, it seems like you and dad are getting pretty close.
What does that mean?
It means we're over, Michael.
I just don't know who you are.
You're toast.
Michael.
Come here.
What?
Don't worry about it.
It'll be okay. Yeah.
Hey! (GRUNTS)
Come on!
Right. Thanks, Jim.
Thanks.
(GROANS)
TV: And now here's our host,
Pat Bullard!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUSE)
TV HOST: Oh, thank you so much.
What a great crowd. Thank you.
Let's get started by meeting our first--
(TV TURNS OFF)
VITO: She went out, Frankie.
Michael, uh...
Fired a warning shot in the ceiling.
It was an accident.
Sit down, frank.
WOMAN: ...and just havin' the best time.
It's a wonderful city,
and everyone's been so friendly and courteous.
I don't know why they talk the way they do about New Yorkers--
Get the hell outta here. Go on.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Hello. FRANK: Listen to me.
I want you to get out of the apartment right now.
You hear me. Just go!
Uh, what's going on? What's happening?
FRANK: Vito thinks the Risollis
killed Johnny.
Things are a little dicey right now. That's all.
GINA: Oh, uh,
I'm fine.
Vito was worried, too, so he sent uncle Vinnie to watch out for me.
Isn't that sweet of him?
Daddy?
You there?
Okay, listen to me.
Listen to me.
Whatever you do... I can't explain this now.
FRANK: But whatever you do, don't tell anyone
there's trouble between you and Michael.
It's very, very important, you understand?
Okay.
FRANK: Let me talk to Vinnie.
Sure. One sec.
It's daddy.
Mmyeah? Frankie.
You listen to me. You touch one hair on her head,
I swear on my mother
that you'll beg me to kill you.
Hey, listen, I'm just doing my job,
all right, Frank?
I mean, you do what you gotta do,
and everything will be ok, all right?
You j--
(CAR DOOR SLAMS)
So?
(SIGHS)
Uh...
They know what happened.
They know about Gina?
Uh, they, uh...
They think it was you.
So, um...
W... What's gonna happen?
They, um...
They gotta take care of you, Michael.
W... What does that mean?
It means, uh...
They ordered someone to, um...
Whack me?
Okay. Um...
Uh, do we know who?
Me.
You.
You're going to whack me?
Stop sayin' that.
You sound like an idiot.
Yeah, Vito wants me to do it at the wedding
during your speech.
I mean, that way he figures,
you know, he gets us both.
You die and... I lose Gina by
killing the man she loves.
But there isn't gonna be a wedding.
No...
So I can't do it then.
You mean you can't do it then,
or you can't do it, then?
Uh, the first one.
Right.
They got Gina, Michael.
If I don't do it, Vinnie's gonna kill her.
My God.
It's... It's one of these honor things.
You know, a life for a life,
bottom line...
Bottom line...
Vito's not gonna rest until he sees a body.
A body. Yep.
Right.
This is probably a stupid question, but...
To your knowledge...
Does this hurt?
No, uh...
You won't feel a thing.
Ready?
(WHISPERS) Okay.
That is surprisingly painful, actually.
Is it meant to hurt that much?
MAN: Let me check that for you.
Frank, when Michael gets up to give his bridegroom speech,
you shoot him twice.
Then our guys come in and shoot you.
MAN: We're gonna stitch the squib controls
inside your tuxedos,
so you're gonna have to learn to set them off yourselves
in sync with the gunshots!
You think you can handle it?
Uh, any problems, speak now.
Now, this thing is potentially huge for us.
Massive.
Questions? Worries?
Something you need? Well, there's one thing.
The bride.
No, sir, we don't take bribes!
Bride!
Pardon? Bride!
Take them goddamn things off your head!
Yes, sir!
MAN (ON TV) : And the handy bundler is virtually indestructible.
Even the law can use handy bundler to detain criminals.
You'll find hundreds of uses for the handy bundler
around the shop, at home, in the office,
and on the job.
(TELEPHONE RINGS) TV: A perfect fit every time.
It's lightweight and secures anything.
Hello?
TV: And easy as one, two, three!
So these are the guys doing the flowers for the wedding, right?
Yeah. They're supposed to be great.
Thanks, Uncle Vinnie.
I think I'll be safe with Michael inside.
Okay.
GINA: So?
What's going on?
Okay, they don't know anything at all about you.
But, um, they think that I shot Johnny.
But you didn't.
Act like you're in love.
Mmm. Who are you?
FBI.
How are you today?
Vito doesn't know that I know this,
but your father's been ordered to kill me at our wedding reception.
Michael will be wearing a wire. GINA: What?
The idea is that Vito won't be afraid to talk to me
because he thinks I'm about to die.
And then when I get him to incriminate himself--
AGENT: Our guys come in.
Bingo. Got him.
And, uh...
That's the end of it.
You think I'd help trap my own father?
Your father is with us.
You're more important to him than they are, Gina.
It's our only way out of this alive.
Then I guess I don't have a choice.
Is everything ok?
Everything's fine.
Decisions, you know?
GINA: I think we're through.
Uh, excuse me.
Um, any panics, any questions,
you just give us a call.
Tony and Guy. Don't be shy.
Well, bye, then, darling.
MICHAEL: See you later. Okay.
MICHAEL: I can't do this.
We have to tell her Frank's gonna pretend to shoot me.
No way, her reaction is everything.
It has to be real.
(SNIFFS)
(SQUEEZES NASAL MIST)
Kitchen team moving.
AGENT: Bridal limo en route.
Good.
Okay, gentlemen, the limo is on its way.
These are the squibs, all right?
Two controllers. One in each pocket.
Now, a squeeze or a sharp tap...
Sets them off.
You understand?
(BRITISH ACCENT) How do you do?
I'm the best man.
Hello. My name's Peter.
I'm the best man, and I work at Marks and Spencers.
I love chocolate biscuits.
Oh, mumsy, I want some ginger beer.
BRIDESMAIDS: There she is!
This is so exciting!
Here she is!
It's the bride!
Hi, pretty!
Oh, my god.
Not much of a job, though, is it, Vinnie?
Thank you so much.
MAN: Oh! WOMAN: Oh!
MAN2: Hey! MAN3: Ow! My leg!
MAN: (OVER RADIO) Testing one, two, three.
Do you read? Do you read?
Testing one, two, three. Do you read?
Do you read?
Remember, we're going to need Graziosi loud and clear.
You got plenty of time.
He only has until the speeches.
Right. After the dancing and dessert.
FRANK: You gotta be kidding.
This is an Italian wedding.
The speeches are before the dinner.
You knew that, right?
Mm-hmm. Still got plenty of time.
FRANK: Plenty of time?
You have 10 minutes if you're lucky.
This is not a problem.
Gonna be okay.
We have a problem.
Why the fuck didn't you tell me this earlier?
PRIEST: And Michael Andrew Felgate,
do you take Gina Maria Vitale
for your lawful wife...
To have and to hold
from this day forward
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health
until death do you part?
MICHAEL: I do.
PRIEST: You have declared your consent before the church.
May the lord in his goodness
strengthen your consent
and fill you both with his blessings.
Amen.
In the name of the father and the son and the holy spirit,
I pronounce you husband and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
(CHEERING)
(ITALIAN FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)
(MAN SINGING IN ITALIAN)
Hey! Wedding! Smile!
Weddings!
Yay!
Kitchen team, we've got one shot at this.
And less than five minutes before the speeches.
We got it.
Ah, Philip, about the other day...
No, I don't want to hear.
I'm sure you had your reasons.
No names, no pack drill. That's my motto.
(LAUGHS) That's incredibly nice of you.
Goodness, are you drinking?
Ooh.
Come on, darling.
But I've only had one glass.
Let me take that for you.
PHILIP: She thinks I'm drunk.
MRS. CROMWELL: You're very embarrassing when you talk.
I think you're on.
In position.
Uncle Vito...
MICHAEL: I just wanted to say
how sorry I am about your son.
VITO: Thank you.
VITO: This is a happy day.
I wish you much joy.
I especially look forward to the speeches.
Well...
You're very kind.
And I'm very appreciative of the way you've...
Opened my eyes to new possibilities.
As a matter of fact, um...
I recently thought of a new idea
that I think could be
extremely profitable to us both.
Uh, absurdly profitable, really.
I mean, uh...
I think we're talking millions.
But, um, this certainly isn't the occasion
to be talking business, is it?
MICHAEL: Another time perhaps.
Thank you so much again for being here.
He's lost his mind.
And speech is in 4:05.
Are you outta your mind?
He wasn't ready. Relax.
Relax?
Congratulations, huh? Hey.
In five minutes, we're dead.
You, me, and Gina.
WOMAN: Hi, Frankie! Never chase the bid.
Hello! What?
Let the bid come to you. That's rule number one.
What the hell are you talkin' about?
Oh, Mr. Graziosi wants to see you over there.
Of course. Pleasure.
I think we're in business.
Speech is in three.
We have to go say hi to Maria.
Here. Oh.
So basically...
You continue to sell and buy interesting work through us,
and I do the insurance valuation
on the collection you assemble.
Like insurance against a fire, for example.
Fires can happen.
Look at Sotheby's.
(LAUGHS)
But fortunately, of course,
you would be handsomely covered.
So what do you think?
Are we, uh...
We in business then?
Say it. In two.
Michael! There you are!
Philip.
You two look serious.
PHILIP: Cheer up.
Good heavens. Those are quite something.
You mind if I...
Whoa, whoa, take it easy.
Quite right. Ah.
(CHUCKLING)
What do you think?
Philip, this is, um, Uncle Vito.
Delighted to meet you.
You... You from the old country?
Parla italiano, lei?
My family's from Sicily.
Ah! La bella Sicilia!
Land of the goat.
My wife and I spent a wonderful week there
last summer.
Charming little pensione.
With the most priceless little owner
who looked just like a mafioso.
We called him Al Capone. You remember, darling?
(CHUCKLES)
My god, these things are making me squiffy.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Arrivederci.
MICHAEL: Sorry, Philip. Uncle Vito!
Oh, but I am a ninny!
I quite forgot to tell you the good news.
Mr. Morganson here has decided
Cromwell's are the team for him.
Oh.
Well, that's, uh...
Yes, that's marvelous news.
We must meet up and discuss the details.
Let me just find my, uh...
(SQUIB FIRES)
I'll have Helen leave a message on Monday.
Excuse me.
What a horrible thing to happen.
Are you all right?
I'm sure he meant it as a joke.
Could I borrow him for a second?
Thanks.
That was quite something.
I love party tricks.
(SILVERWARE TAPPING GLASS)
Pray gather round from the farthest reaches
and take your seats
to hear the speeches!
And speeches are early.
RADIO: Yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
Whoo!
Listen, I swear to God I'll do it,
but I'm begging you for Gina's sake...
Let me wait till after the party's over.
During the speeches...
For Gina's sake.
...and throws the boo-ket.
"Bou" And then "quet."
MICHAEL: Please, we have to hurry.
CROMWELL: I'm going as fast as I can.
It's rather a mess.
MICHAEL: Come. Turn around. Turn around.
I... I need to tuck it in properly.
English.
Figured as much.
MICHAEL: Now, just shove it in there. Shove it in there.
Look, stuff it in. (CROMWELL GIGGLING)
VITO: Give me your gun.
What?
Give me your gun, Frank.
Johnny's.
His first.
I want you to use this one.
I think he gave Frank a live gun.
I suggest abort. I repeat. Abort.
No. We can still get this. Get a mike in there.
Kitchen team get into position,
but nobody goes in until I say so. Understood?
Sir... Shut up.
Copy that.
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Best man. How do you do?
Huh. Oh, excuse me,
but I rather think you're wilting there, old boy.
Here we are.
There we are.
Toodle-oo.
Welcome back.
See you later, then.
RITCHIE: Ladies and gentlemen,
perhaps you'd like to give a big hand
to Gina and Mike! Whoo!
(ALL CHEERING)
♪ We are the champions
♪ My friend ♪
You gotta get in here, Bob.
It's too late. He's gonna die.
No. This has been nine years.
Kitchen team.
Standing by.
Wait for my word.
♪ We are the champions
♪ No time for losers
♪ Cause we are the champions
Look, we still got a chance. Frank's got a mike.
But, uh...
What?
Vito gave him a live gun.
(MUSIC FADES OUT)
All right, all right.
Now can your clappin', cause
here's you know who,
my new brother and our bridegroom.
All right. Come on!
Mikey, we're waiting!
We're waiting, Mikey!
You're getting married.
Thatta boy!
RITCHIE: Whoo!
(SILVERWARE TAPPING GLASSES)
(APPLAUSE FADES OUT)
Speak up!
(LAUGHTER)
Sorry.
This is making me a bit nervous.
The last time I had to speak at a wedding,
I was only supposed to propose a toast to the bridesmaids.
I ended up proposing an opening bid. (LAUGHTER)
What's worse is they both sold.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Where do you want it, the head or the chest?
Come on.
MICHAEL: So, um...
I'll keep it simple...
MAN: Good idea!
And just tell you why I think today,
for once,
I'm the one acquiring the masterpiece.
(WOMEN AWWING)
Firstly, it goes without saying
I've always been a huge fan of the Italian school.
(CHEERING)
Come on, speak to me, Vito. MICHAEL: Secondly...
It's not working.
And most importantly,
they say that the, uh...
Real test of a masterpiece...
Is whether you instinctively know
it's something you're gonna
keep forever,
love forever...
(WOMEN AWWING)
MICHAEL: Something you sense you've always... Don't think of it
VITO: ...As gaining a son.
If you don't do it,
you're losing a daughter.
Sir?
No good.
MICHAEL: In some cases...
In some cases...
In some cases, it's even something
you'd be prepared to die to protect.
That's certainly the case here.
I'd rather die than see any harm come to Gina.
I love her more than my own life.
And I hope I'm making myself crystal clear
on that point.
Death...
Is okay by me.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the father of the bride.
(APPLAUSE)
MAN: Frankie!
For Christ's sakes, Bob.
This is it.
Damn it.
Kitchen team, go!
Go.
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
Excuse me! FBI!
Aah!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
It's bullshit!
VITO: Do it!
Do it! FRANK: No!
Vinnie, do it!
FRANK: Vinnie, No!
Do it! Do it!
FRANK: No! VITO: Vinnie, do it!
FRANK: Vinnie!
I'm ordering you! Kill her!
Yes! Got him.
FRANK: Vinnie, no! FBI!
AGENT: Freeze!
No!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Ambulance! Now!
It's too late.
Let's go. Get over there! Party's over!
MEDIC1: On three? MEDIC2: I'm ready. Three!
(SIREN WAILING)
(SNIFFLES)
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry. No, I'm sorry.
GINA: You should both be sorry.
GINA: Ugh!
These things are surprisingly painful.
Oh, my god.
It's a new rule of mine.
Always assume you guys are hiding something.
(CHUCKLES)
But how?
Why di--
Because when I thought of you with a gun, Michael,
suddenly I wanted a backup.
You did good.
Oh, my god.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, God.
Oh, my god. Daddy.
I tell you, Frank...
Her father might act like a moron sometimes...
Vinnie?
So I retired.
I'm telling ya, Frankie,
the kid's a genius.
VINNIE: I mean, think about it.
You got Vito,
Vito thinks he got his revenge,
and that's it.
Badda-bing. You're even, huh?
VINNIE: You're in the clear.
All of youse.
How the hell could you do this to me?
You were gonna do it to me.
No, we did it 'cause we love you.
Same here.
What, you love...
Both of us?
I don't think so, Michael.
Oh, my god.
Wasn't that the-- My God! Gina!
P.A.: Welcome to the halfway point... Gina!
...in the annual Central Park Senior Marathon! Excuse me! Gina!
GINA: No!
Gina. Wait! No!
Leave me alone!
Listen! Listen! Leave me alone!
This picture! It isn't me! It isn't!
It's... It's Kansas City Little Big Mickey Blue Eyes.
What? I was pretending to be a mobster,
and I couldn't say my R's,
and I had to kiss the waitress
or they would've killed us.
Look! Look who's sitting next to me.
MICHAEL: Recognize that suit?
Is that Dad?
Gina, this photo means nothing.
So...
So who's Mickey Blue Eyes? I am.
I mean, I was.
We just made him up.
Please come back, and I'll explain everything.
So when you said you were with my dad that day...
You were... I was telling the truth.
You told me a lot of other lies, Michael.
I know.
I know. I...
I thought it was the only way to keep you.
But you were right. It was...
The only sure way to lose you.
So... I was right.
You were.
And smarter than you all along.
Yes.
And braver.
Much.
And more convincing at being shot.
Infinitely.
Marry me, Gina.
Would I have to be Mrs. Blue eyes?
Come he.
What?
Come he. (SNIFFS)
What?
Id's me.
Miggey. Miggey Blue.
Oh, please.
♪ Bop do dep do dop do dit bah
♪ Boddee bonnie boop bah doodle babba hooba
♪ Buona Sera
♪ Signorina
♪ Buona Sera
♪ Doot doot do wop
♪ It is time to say good night
♪ To Napoli
♪ Doot doot do wop
♪ It is time for us to whisper
♪ Buona Sera
♪ Doot doot do wop
♪ With that ol' moon above
♪ The Mediterranean Sea
♪ Mmm
♪ In the morning, signorina
♪ We'll go walkin'
♪ Doot doot do wop
♪ Where the mountains help the sun come into sight
♪ Doot doot do wop
♪ And by the little jewelry shop
♪ We'll stop and linger
♪ While I buy a wedding ring
♪ For your finger
♪ In the meantime
♪ Let me tell you that I love you
♪ And Buona Sera
♪ Signorina kiss me good
(SAXOPHONE HONKING)
(SAXOPHONE SOLO STARTS)
(CHEERING AND CLAPPING TO MUSIC)
♪ By the little jewelry shop we'll stop and linger
♪ While I buy a wedding ring
♪ For your finger
♪ In the meantime
♪ Let me tell you that I love you
♪ Buona Sera
♪ Signorina
♪ Kiss me good night
♪ Do wop
♪ Buona Sera, Signorina
♪ Kiss me good night
(SONG TEMPO SPEEDS UP)
♪ Buona Sera, Signorina
♪ Kiss me good night! ♪
(SONG ENDS)
(ITALIAN FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)