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[Applause]
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I'm Jonah 我叫Jonah
oh so I took of emergency trip to 我今天早上参加了
Planned Parenthood this morning 计划生育的紧急活动
Thank god for them so you know I went to that 幸好Karen陪着我去了
party with Karen and Anna meeting this 然后Anna遇到了一个男人
guy and we not so much meeting him it's
kind of like drunkingly putting my face
on his face and then going home with him
and having some sort of unprotected sex
but you know what it is 2017 and I will
not be shamed I mean I am NOT proud but
I will not be shamed I mean this guy was
hot I mean a real I mean I didn't even
care that he voted for trauma
Jona ones follow him right now are not
doing anything seriously you've gotta
snap out of this shit Scott sucked
plain and simple and he hurt you and I
swear if I ever see him on the street
I'm gonna punch him right in the dick
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great done you did it
nope I'm gonna go up Depression sex with
my Grindr boyfriend hot
hey let's see you
I have a question actually are you aware
that you do like really weird sex noises
what no you don't yeah you do
trust me stop nobody know it's cute
though it's like I don't know a little
baby sloth that's yeah they're like
pleasure noises but it's like you're
almost having too much pleasure that
you're about to die does that make sense
no oh my god again on that note I'm
gonna go
hey this is gonna sound weird but
weirder than those noises you were just
making to be fair you made them first
but no I wanted to see if maybe you'd
want to grab a bite sometime wait you
mean like a date
yeah that's what I was thinking oh no
okay
what no I'm sorry I didn't I didn't mean
it like that
so you do want to go on a date no I just
I didn't mean to sound like such a dick
about it
I mean the thing is I just I mean come
on you know you and I don't do that we
don't do dinner and stuff we we hook up
and then I go home and then maybe a
couple days later I hear from you again
and the cycle repeats itself this isn't
real touch that sounded really bad look
I I like you I do you're you're cute and
you're funny and got all all of us going
on but I but this isn't real
got it yeah that's a shame because I
like you too
I should I should probably go but I yeah
you don't you don't want to date me yeah
I promise I'm I'm a disaster so how long
have you been hooking up with this guy
like five or six months okay first of
all how dare you for not telling me and
secondly I'm confused this man who you
admit is gorgeous asked you out and you
flee what I didn't flee exactly and what
did you do exactly whatever okay so we
don't want to go on a date with the guy
that I'm sleeping with yeah he's great
and all but it's not real you know
honestly I don't know that I'm ready for
real hey you I love you but the stuff
with Scott happened almost a year ago um
a of all ten months ago b-ball who was
even talking about Scott yeah I'm so
over it
great so I'm setting you up with a new
guy from work he is nice and he's cute
great I'm looking forward to it
mini-quiche
Jonah hi nice to move oh okay I I hope
you haven't been waiting along
no no I mean yeah that I've been in here
for a little while but but you're not
late I'm just you okay yeah
yeah I'm fine God you are so cute mmm
but listen there's no pressure with this
okay seriously
don't pressure why why why would they
professor oh uh
well Val had told me that you were
recently getting out of something oh my
god no no that was like forever ago
okay be fair it was only like ten months
ago but it is fine I am I'm so over I'm
glad to hear it so listen why don't we
get you another drink
right and like I said no pressure so no
hey the gentlemen will have another
double dirty martini
Express train okay I'm just gonna have a
glass of the Merlot thank you
so Jonah how are you what are you what's
your deal what do you like to do for fun
yeah I like to go just enough up I'm
gonna I have to get online okay I'll be
right back sorry okay
Oh slow down there what are you doing
here hi to you too
hello what do you what are you doing
here
well this is a restaurant what are you
doing here oh are you in a date yeah I I
am Wow
okay I'm sorry it's just that I you look
you don't have to explain anything to
him we're not a thing remember look
Jonah I hope you find what you're
looking for Kevin hi hi this is Adam
he's a friend
cool well I hope you guys have a good
time Thanks
that is the plan
so is everything okay hmm oh yeah
totally yeah that's just my boyfriend
he's kind of freaking out than I'm on a
date yeah I'm sorry your boyfriend Yeah
right about that so you're in an open
relationship but your boyfriend doesn't
want to be in an open relationship
exactly yeah but you know what we've
talked about it and he knows all this
and honestly we have been in this
relationship for so long so I just I
need that feeling of newness you know
when you meet someone and everything
just feels possible yeah I I get that
but but where where is that possibility
supposed to go like what where is this
date supposed to go I'm hopefully back
to your place are you kidding not at all
okay but what about your boyfriend like
what what is he supposed to do what I'm
so sorry you're coming across like a
little judgmental and it's no I am NOT
judgmental but yeah of course we all
want everyone to want to fuck us but if
you have a boyfriend you don't get to
act on it or you hurt you or you do or
you do but only if you're both on board
otherwise you are just a cock so looking
forward to this date my first real date
since Scott dumped me for that hot piece
of CrossFit in garbage and you turned
out to be just as bad as him no no you
are even worse
you are worse because he has at least
had the balls to dump me when I found
out that he was cheating on me but you
you are a bad guy Kevin
there's something in here just a second
ago Wow
okay you know what it seems to me that
you're in no position to be judging
people about how to be in relationship
so I'm just gonna um real quick little
piece of advice why don't you clean up
all of your shit before you start coming
for mine okay in the meantime I'm gonna
go bag that waiter with the hot ass
night
like I said disaster
they're gonna check anybody Jonah
Scott hello you're here of course you're
here why wouldn't you be here uh how are
you we're great just grabbing some
drinks with some friends
you remember Darren yeah they're in how
can I forget um hello
I like your shirt thing are you just
going from the gym this is Hermes sit
was that know or general right are you
all right I mean you look like crap
oh you sweet talker you know I'm fine
I'm fine it's just uh just finishing up
some dinner by yourself I'm so sad
oh I wasn't by myself it's okay if you
were no I know that that's okay but not
really it's it's okay you'll meet a nice
guy Sunday you deserve that
what exactly to be happy you know
nice guy oh do I is is that is that what
I deserve huh Jonah you were a really
good boyfriend oh thank you thank you
I'm sorry what was that I said I'm sure
you fucking baby you ready to go baby
baby baby hi I'm Adam
Jonah's boyfriend boyfriend yeah oh okay
cool I'm Scott and this is my boyfriend
Darren hi Darren
whatever Wow rude they don't talk to my
boyfriend like that so tell your
boyfriend to be I don't know respectful
especially when adults are talking right
Jonah yeah definitely and you know what
I don't even think me and Jonah need to
be around people like you yeah
definitely so Scott and Deron was it I'm
gonna take my man and we're gonna go
right baby yeah she's okay so sorry it's
okay it's not me you puked ah no well
thank you for swooping in and saving me
from making an even bigger ass out of
myself that was sweet
you're very sweet that's what I've been
trying to tell you
that thing that I said before yeah
about this not being real it's just no I
I'm sorry I just had an idea of what a
relationship was supposed to look like
and apparently I have no fucking clue
what I'm talking about but I'm starting
to think that maybe that's okay this is
gonna sound a little weird but yes I
would love to graduate tomorrow then
yeah
definitely you see this is where I would
come in for a kiss but you still smell
like
[Laughter]
oh where you going looking all fancy and
shit dinner with my former grandeur
boyfriend who actually likes me even
though I'm a total nut bag hot
we're condom yeah coming from you that's
hilarious
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