This is stupid.
The whole movie Is just stupid.
Makes perfect sense Why i'm here.
Because this is...
Well, i mean, It's a good part.
I'm directing.
I'm playing a mafia guy.
(imitating the godfather) I've always wanted to play A mafia guy.
I thought it would Be very good.
You might think It's a great opportunity,
But it's not.
You know what?
Who cares?
Ha! I'll just Bite my tongue,
Think happy thoughts, And get through this.
Sir, your coffee's Brewing right...
Who am i kidding?
Sir, it'll be about Ten more minutes On the coffee.
Mm-hmm.
I'm screwed.
(alarm clock buzzing)
So i have this problem.
I have these constant nightmares Of spoof movies.
Ugh! It's so frustrating.
I'm totally haunted By 'em.
Plus, i have This other problem.
I get sleepy sometimes, And i fall asleep.
The worst part is, I never know...
Hey.
You were asleep For a while that time.
I'm sorry. I have this... I know.
You have problems.
We all do.
I moved to l.A. Six months ago,
And randy was one of The first friend i made here.
He's genuine, And that's hard to find.
I moved here to be Closer to my family,
And right now, i'm currently Working with elderly people
At a nursing home.
I guess i just wanted to do Something special with my life.
I wanna be Your boyfriend.
What'd you just say?
I said there's not Enough sugar on this.
Let me get Some more here.
You're so silly.
She's so great.
So i work in The entertainment industry...
(crash) Oh!
So i work in The entertainment industry,
And i work for A great studio.
Sunshine studios.
They put out some of The highest-quality films.
Quality might not Be the word, but completed.
They have a lot of Completed films.
But completed films With a lot of heart.
Well, you know, Maybe not heart,
But completed films That include a running time.
Actually, i think They might be having
Real financial problems.
Hey, ben.
My name's actually randy.
I don't know Why the guys call me ben.
It's funny though.
Okay, take a look At this gun.
All right? It's totally fake.
Is it real?
It's totally fake.
Okay.
After the blank Goes off right here,
Yeah. All right?
A blood pack is going To go off lightly
On your leg Right there.
I feel like you're not Listening to me, randy.
Randy, randy.
Yeah? Okay.
Did you get that? Yeah.
You're gonna use Live ammunition.
Which is cool. Seriously?
I'm cool with that. Seriously?
There's nothing to Be nervous about. You'll be fine.
Oh, i'm not nervous. I'm excited.
i get to work with The c.J. Waters.
Yeah, whatever. I'm gonna do this to him.
Watch it, c.J. Your day has come.
(imitates gunshot)
And here it is in slo-mo.
(imitating slo-mo voice) Watch it, c.J. Your day has come.
So an actor doesn't show up,
And some genius here Decides to put an idiot p.A.
In his place because They wear the same shirt size.
And to think, A few months ago,
I was so excited to work for A real movie studio.
I hate it here.
I tell all my friends I work at target.
Quiet on the set!
Quiet!
Cameras are rolling. (bell rings)
Sir, can i just say, It is an honor To work with you.
I want you to shut up.
I loved you in that movie When you were a cop,
And you were on That missing persons case,
Only it was a lemur From the zoo.
It was a ferret.
No, i'm pretty sure It was a lemur. I would remember.
It was a drama.
Why are you even acting? You're a p.A., aren't you?
In the eighth grade, I joined troop 1984
Of the thespian society,
So i'm qualified. You better be.
Are you ready To do this?
Man: cue music.
You better be! Action!
Give me the information, Or i'm gonna blow a hole In your head.
(whispering) You're doing great.
We're still shooting, right?
Line!
The line is,
I have a wife And two kids.
It's written Right over there. Right? You see it?
I don't have My contacts in.
Say it anyway!
I have a wife And two kids. Say it.
Can i run home And get my contacts?
No!!
I'm sorry. Stay in character.
I know my terms.
All right, ready? Action!
Please don't kill me. I have a...
Let me try it One more time, okay?
Cut. Cut, cut. (bell rings)
Okay. Can i yell "action"? No! Action.
Please don't kill me. I have a dog And three cats.
Shut up! Cut.
Please don't kill me. I am an orphan and have No food for my widows.
Please don't kill me. I have a wife and...
How many kids is it? I forgot.
I hope you don't mind If i ad-lib a little Monologue i wrote.
I don't know Where the information is.
You can beat it Out of me if you want,
But i won't tell you. Cue music.
Where is the bananas? That's a joke I'm working on.
That's a cut. Cut that.
And action.
Not yet. I'll say it.
Man: ignore it when Randy says action.
Okay, action.
Action.
Please don't kill me. I have a dog,
And he has no home. He's a stray.
That's my cue. I quit.
How about we just Cut to the part Where i shoot you?
Okay, sure.
I was really excited For that part anyway.
Man: rolling. Ow.
Start the music again.
Let me have it.
Ow! My leg!
My leg is shot. Why did you shoot me?
(screaming continues)
Please, god, Don't kill me.
Is that where It hurts?
C.J. Waters, please. I don't wanna die.
Don't say my name. My character's name is allen. Now do it again.
Okay, i'm sorry. Allen.
Allen, i am in need Of medical assistance, please.
Please call 911.
Please don't kill me.
He shot...
Quit shooting me And trying to kill me.
Oh, my god. There were Real bullets in the gun?
I wonder How that happened.
Why did you shoot me? Why did you shoot me?
Cue music. Look, do you...
Get away from me! Get away.
I'm sorry. I thought This was blanks.
Well, it's not blanks. It's not blanks at all.
You used to be My favorite.
That's a cut.
I got two more On your six.
Three o'clock. Three o'clock.
Down, down, down.
Bulldog three to greyhound six. We have reached our objective.
this is greyhound six. What is your position?
bulldog three. Over.
We are under heavy fire.
we're on our way, Bulldog three. Out.
Uh, guys, We're rolling.
Cut!
Oh, come on! Shit!
Can someone get me An iced tea, please?
What is with The helmet?
You're taking me Out of my character.
Cut! Damn it, ben.
That's the fifth Time today.
I'm doing paperwork.
So they let me try out The acting thing.
We found out that I wasn't "cut out" for it,
Which is okay, Because i'm back to Doing what i love,
Being a production Assistant again.
I'm working on My lifelong project,
Which is a screenplay About a small boy
And my, or his, tricycle, Who was abused.
It's a drama.
titanic 2: the ghost story. Take 19. Marker.
My name's wes. I am the head director,
(scoffs) Good director,
Of all of sunshine Studio's films ever since C.J. Waters quit,
And we're working on An exciting project right now.
This is big, okay? It's a sequel,
And it's got everything in it, Everything you wanna see.
We've got romance, A war, the mafia, ghosts.
What's not to like, huh?
This is gonna be huge, okay?
Mark my words. Big numbers. You can quote me on that.
Jack, is that you again?
I'm reading. Don't you see i'm reading?
Why don't you Leave me alone?
You died years ago On that boat,
And it was A beautiful night...
I love you.
(shivering) I love you, too.
Jack. Yeah?
Do you think we're Gonna be okay?
Man: please help us. We're all gonna die out here.
Yeah. We're gonna Be just fine.
We just have to Hold on to hope.
Man: no hope. We're all gonna die out here.
Okay. Just never let go.
Okay? Promise you'll Never let go.
I won't. Promise me You'll never let go.
I promise.
Promise me you'll Follow your dreams.
I promise.
John...
Especially the dream That you become a nun And never marry again.
Um, no. That's Not my dream.
Just promise me, rose. I'm dying here.
Okay. No, i promise.
Promise me you'll never Kiss another man.
Um... Mmm.
I am only 18.
I have to go to college.
Gonna be in sorority. I have big plans, So i don't know.
If you feel like That you need to let go,
I forgive you.
Okay? You do?
Okay. So i forgive you.
You need to let go. What are you doing?
Man: is there anybody Out there?
Who is that? Anyone?
Who is that?
Is that a lifeboat?
No. It's okay, Don't worry.
I'll be fine, okay? Just let go.
I'm so cold and...
Man: i'm all alone. I need some company.
I've got, like, 12 seats in here.
Are you sure there's Not enough room on That driftwood for me?
Hm-mm. No. I wish there was, But i'm a little cramped.
You could save Both of us.
I'm starting to lose My power of sight.
I can't... Is he Still out there?
Hey, you.
Jump in my boat. I've got plenty of room.
Hm-mm. Nope. Oh, he's gone.
I got hot cocoa.
(crying)
Lose the stiff. I'm back in five.
I'm so cold, rose.
I know. I'm A little chilly, too.
I wish there Was room.
Hey, you know what?
Let me get you A sweater.
I got a sweater, okay?
Ooh.
Got my sweater all...
It's so nice.
I am so hot.
Actually, this is Really hot.
(snorts)
That beautiful night, And the moon and everything.
But you can't swim, And there wasn't Room for you on the boat.
That's what i have to do.
I mean, it's getting...
Come on, jack, Where are you?
I'm gonna Get you, jack.
Oh, this thing Won't work.
Cut. Cut. Cut!
What? What? What do you want?
Hi. Hi.
How you doin' Over there?
I'm not doing Well at all.
I can tell that. Listen, do you need A nap or something?
No, i don't need Any nap!
I'm just not strong Enough to cock it.
Did you just decide To waste everyone's Time today?
Was it A conscious decision?
How dare you Talk to me like that?
Because this is how You cock a gun.
You see that? Just like that. Is that close enough for you?
I can't do it When it's not my size.
You have to get me a gun That's right for me.
Not your size? You're the size Of a peanut.
This is the size Of a shotgun.
That's how you cock a gun. I've told you ten times.
you know what? Titanic has one anchor. We don't need two.
Oh, really? Yes.
You like that? Let's give you A little bit more.
I'm sorry you can't C-c-cock the gun, But you're f-f-fired!
Thank you. It'll be A good thing to get Rid of you anyway.
I'm glad. Bye, bye, bye.
Guys, we gotta talk.
Oh. Oh, boy.
I, uh...
I'm afraid i, uh...
I have horrible news For all of you.
You're all gonna be Looking for another job.
In a nutshell, The movie that we made
That we hoped Would make money,
Came out and...
We didn't make zero.
I know that sounds Pretty good,
But it's actually Bad news,
Because we ended up Owing money.
You see, shipping costs,
And the print costs,
Put us in a position Where we owe
More than It actually made.
I wish we made zero. Believe me.
(cell phone Ring tone playing)
Excuse me one second.
(ring tone playing Rap song)
Yes?
I'm in an important meeting.
Please.
man: mr. Storm, you wanna Look out the window, please?
Mm-hmm. Okey-dokey.
sir, we're all over here. Yeah. Uh-huh.
okay. See you over here.
Went to the wrong office Again, didn't i?
I'll be right there. Yeah.
Keep up the good work. Bye.
Flop!
Great job, wes.
Everybody take a moment And give wes
A big round of applause For shitting on our studio.
You know what? Actually, To be fair, it was steve's idea.
Was it? The shitting On the studio part?
Was it your idea, steve? Did you direct it, steve? Who directed it, steve?
I believe It was wes, yes.
Hey, let's take a look At your projection.
By the way, i remember We were talking about This before.
This is what He projected for The opening weekend.
I love these numbers. These are great numbers. Look at this.
Whoo whoo whoo whoo whooo!
Now, what the film Actually did was...
(clears throat)
...A little worse. Perhaps like this.
You know what i'm saying? You know what i'm saying, wes?
Wes: i'm expecting Big things--
Wes, i really don't Wanna hear you talk.
I just wanna thank you So much for begging me
To let you Direct this film,
Because we just lost $55 million.
And of course, We're gonna need You to pay that back.
I don't have That kind of money.
We'll take it Out of your paycheck.
Shouldn't take that long. Write that down, ben. Ben, ben?
Take it out of his paycheck. Shouldn't take too long.
People, we gotta Start over.
We gotta Get back to basics.
What makes a good film, A good movie?
The script. Craft services.
Paris hilton? Cream.
Ice. Vanilla extract.
It's true. Why?
Because that's what's Payin' for the movies.
I started making ice cream In the late 1970's.
And that's where All my fame and fortune,
That's where it came from.
My company was called 30 flavors.
No one could even imagine Back then.
Thirty flavors of ice cream.
(laughing)
That's when robbins Came up with 31.
So i... I had To call it quits.
You know, Open a movie studio.
Rum raisin. Ech!
(scoffs) Why couldn't I have thought of that?
I'll tell you why.
You don't want To give a kid liquor
With raisins in it.
What... What's that Teaching us?
What's that teaching us? What's that teaching our kids?
I even tried it. I tried drinking rum,
Put raisins in it, It's hideous.
Can you imagine freezing That up, putting it on a cone,
And havin' a kid...
What? What? What? What? I'm sorry.
First things first.
I will be leaving My little brother lester,
Who i don't think Many of you have met yet,
Will be taking over For me.
I think dad would've Liked it that way anyway.
He's a terrific guy. I know you're gonna like him.
He is kind-hearted, He's sweet.
He's like a puppy dog.
You could tickle him On the chest.
He's like a pussycat, But he's also conscientious.
I think he'll have More of the temperament
For this kind of work Than i do.
I am having a problem Keeping my heart beating.
Therefore, without Any further ado, I'll be taking my leave,
And introducing you To my little brother Lester. Hang ten.
Run a tighter ship. (all murmuring)
(snorting inhalation)
I'd like to thank My big brother
For giving me This opportunity. Thanks, bro.
I do understand That you're havin' a problem.
So he sent me here To take care of business.
Apparently, there's been Some problems with, uh...
Your films.
I need to understand What's goin' on around here.
He seems nice. Totally.
I guess one thing He didn't tell you
Was that i just Got let out of prison.
I was in prison For killing some people.
I slaughtered A whole family.
He probably told you that You could scratch my tummy.
He mentioned it.
But that ain't gonna happen.
Because all these pictures That you make,
And they just keep tankin',
And that's really Burnin' my ass.
I'm here to find out What you're gonna do about it.
Boom, i got one! Okay? Buddy flick. Road trip, right? Everybody likes road trips.
All of a sudden, We're gonna have campfires.
There's water skis, There's boobs,
And then a hurricane comes, Spins everybody around.
Everybody's, like, We're gonna die.
I haven't paid back My student loans.
Slam, right into The middle of the desert.
Only thing to eat, Low-fat yogurt.
Let's see it.
We didn't get A chance to make it.
But we made something Much better. I'm sure You're gonna like it a lot.
Yeah. It's much better Than his...
Let me see how you look With this hat on.
I think you look Kinda cute there.
Wanna try on my glasses? No.
I want my hat back. You can have it. It's all yours.
i can't believe You ever dated him. He's such a pig.
aren't all men? They're such pigs.
i know.
That one has green hair. No one has green hair.
come on, cheryl. Say something.
i'm on my period. I'm grouchy. I don't wanna talk.
Why the fuck did you Let them do that to you?
I was ganged up on By a group of girls.
Why?
You didn't get To see the whole thing.
And you need Some new shoes, my dear.
He didn't get to see it all.
I know we were gonna do That stupid road trip thing,
But i mean, he was late, (toilet flushes)
So i took matters Into my own hands.
It's what anyone would do.
I don't know What his problem is.
Shit, wes, Light a match! Oh!
Five minutes. I've heard enough.
I was five minutes late, She's going on... Wah, wah, wah.
Let's get honest here. I'm trying to work on Some concepts.
air bud meets days of thunder. That's real stuff.
Dress me up as some dude-chick Hybrid in your terrible movie...
God. Still hit that though.
I'd like to hear From somebody else.
(speaking spanish)
They don't speak english.
I realize that.
We keep trying To fire 'em,
But they keep Showin' up anyway.
(speaking spanish)
Let's see it.
(narrator speaking spanish)
¿por que, jesus, por que?
(spanish narration Continues)
you're fired. Gracias, señor.
while they were making Titanic 2,
Myself and brian Wrote a screenplay,
And we put together A nice little script,
And we got tom hanks Attached.
Tom hanks?
It's the biggest name Sunshine has ever...
Tom hanks? Yeah.
It's about the life Of albert einstein.
We got exclusive rights To the story.
It's about his life, and it Delves into his personal past,
And his struggles Trying to come up with The theory of relativity.
You mean the mc-squared thing?
Right. Exactly.
But what about his hair?
I can make my hair Like albert einstein. Look.
I'm albert einstein. Sunshine studio...
I know the theory Of relativity.
It's official, man. Our boss is insane.
I think we should Take our script to sony.
Let me give you Something, sir.
I think you're really Gonna like this.
What's the most popular Film genre?
It's gotta be Martial arts, right?
And what's the most popular Martial arts movie of all time?
man: kill bill.
yes, kill bill is definitely... Right behind that is ninja.
and after that, The third most popular Is the prequel kid ninja.
I'm gonna give you guys Something that's never Been done before.
The prequel to the prequel. Let's see it.
where are the diamonds? In my diaper.
well, give them back. You'll have to Fight me for them.
(sounds of fighting)
counter punch.
You know that you can See their hands.
Not exactly, But close.
Thanks, steve.
(stammering) Babies can't stand On their own.
That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life.
It was steve's idea. You gonna blame it on him now?
If you just play The rest of it, You'll see...
uh, baby's crying.
(groaning)
How come people Don't like my ideas?
the reviewer said Titanic 2: the ghost story
Didn't make sense.
It's a love story On a haunted luxury liner
That's hijacked By the mafia
In the middle of An iraqi war zone.
What part of that Does not make sense?
Here's what i'm Gonna do now, okay?
Whoo!
Improv. Oh, okay.
I need somebody To write a script.
Anyone.
Anyone in here.
I don't care if You're the fucking janitor.
If you don't bring it to me...
I'm going to start Firing this weapon.
I'm out! (all clamoring)
He just said anyone.
I'm an anyone.
Ding dong. Idea at the door.
A fat guy Wanders into a zoo,
Loses his friggin' wallet, Doesn't know where it is.
A gorilla picks it up Who has an innate ability To count.
What's this? A second climax?
All of a sudden, He realizes animals Have feelings, too.
I'm taking speech classes At a community college.
I'm trying to further Myself right now.
I got 64 credit hours Under my belt.
But i'm an idea hamster.
I never stop Generating ideas.
If you're gonna be a bear, Be a grizzly.
Right now, i'm workin' on My "hot words."
That's including but not Limited to boom, bam,
What up, listen up, Here comes the mother ship,
Shotgun blast, you know. They're attention grabbers.
People are responding, They build confidence, They build energy.
Doesn't even matter What you're sayin'.
Ooh, hop on the pain train On this one.
Check this out. Idea at the door. Ding dong.
(makes buzzing sound)
(making pinging sounds)
One ping, and one ping only.
Periscope up. We found the friggin' idea.
I hate the sound Of his voice.
Reminds me of the sound Your body makes
When you try to Hold in a fart.
Hello. Hello. Hey, sleepyhead, You ignoring me?
This is an $85 shirt.
Let's not forget What tupac told us.
Tryin' to make a dollar Out of 15 cents here.
Boom, boom. That was loaded. Put that away.
I'm pretty sure She's into my ideas.
Like, she knows A good man when she sees one.
Right now, i know that i'm Gettin' those looks from her.
I'm gettin' those, "hey, what's up on A late-night mistake" look.
And that's the way she operates. I know how she is.
She said "what up?" earlier Over at the potato salad In the break room.
I catch her lookin' All the doggone time.
Remember to smile, randy.
Oh, hey, wendy.
You ready for Poetry club?
I have this neighbor, And her name's wendy,
And she's kinda wonderful.
But i can never tell her. I'm way too insecure.
I'm damaged goods, If you know what i mean.
I think i like you, wendy. Love you, really.
Matter of fact, I love you a lot Since i met you,
And i wanna have Babies with you. A lot of babies.
Like, quintuplets.
She does not have a clue.
I'm pretty good At hiding my feelings.
This is My grandma's ring.
I was wondering if maybe You'd wear it on Your finger forever.
And okay, You can turn around now.
You don't Want to.
It was a stupid idea. You hate it, you hate me.
I'm sorry. Sorry to upset you.
You don't have to give me The silent treatment, though.
I mean, two can Play at that game.
No, they can't.
(whispering) Why did she do that? I'm so stupid.
She's so pretty. Oh, great, I'm evicted.
Randy? Did you hear me? I'm evicted.
Did you say something?
Oh, you had Headphones on.
Oh, thank god.
I have those ipod ones, And you can't hear a thing.
What are you doing?
I was just Lockin' up.
I'm neurotic, So i gotta lock it Like, 50 times.
i'm like jack nicholson In as good as it gets. "step over the crack."
Are you okay? I'm okay. I'm totally okay.
Look, i got a present. An eviction notice. Ready?
I can't wait to hear All the poems today.
I love poems.
I know you do.
I don't think randy Actually knows what a poem is.
I truly believe He thinks he does. But he's trying, though.
This is... This is A totally original poem.
"i am black, Grew up in the hood,
"have no parents, Shot by cops,
"bling bling, blang blang, Bling bling, bust a cap, Bust a cap, bust a cap.
"sixteen years old And never found love,
"speak in rap, Wanna fly like a dove Up above the clouds.
The clouds."
Some people think they can Do the spoken word.
A bit of times, It does come out
Like verbal diarrhea Of the mouth.
"the clouds calls rain..." Wait, i'm sorry.
That's okay. We understood Where you were going.
I am the head of Poetry survivors.
There are some dues That we do have to pay.
Each member has to pay A small fee of $1,500 a week.
I know it seems hefty, But it covers
Quite a few different aspects, For one, my rent.
Um... And if i'm homeless, I certainly can't hold up A theater group.
So here at This poetry club,
We are trying To showcase Original works.
It's a policy.
Was that yours? Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Really? About being Black and 16?
Dut-dut-dut-dut-dut.
Are you sure It was yours?
Well, uh, no. Not all of it.
But the dut-dut. I'm sorry. I found it On the internet.
Okay. Okay.
But i can read my script If you like.
No, no. That's okay.
Maybe next week.
Randy always wants To read his script.
He gets so into it. I hate it.
He assigns everybody parts, And it's so long and boring.
Looks like you and randy Have been going out a lot.
Yeah, i guess so. Yeah. That's great.
I mean, he's got a lot Of great qualities.
He... He's a guy.
He's a great guy.
What exactly Do you see in him?
Look, i know He's not perfect, But neither am i.
Do you know what he does Every morning?
I don't know. Copy down Shakespeare and call it His own?
He goes to His grandma's At the nursing home.
And she has alzheimer's. She wouldn't even know If he came or not.
But he goes every day.
That's why he wants To be a screenwriter, You know.
So he can make Lots of money And be able
To take care of her The proper way.
There's not a lot Of guys left like that In the world.
Oh, my god. I'm such a bitch.
I mean, i had no idea.
I... I totally thought He was kind of an idiot,
But i was so wrong.
Hey, randy. Are you getting sleepy?
Hey, ben.
Ben! The guys have been Having a great time Here at work.
They've been calling me ben, Which i just think is so funny.
Ben, damn it, ben! Benjamin! Ben!
Ben, where is My coffee, ben? Ben.
They have This good one, right?
They made out My paycheck to ben,
Which is just So hilarious.
I tried to explain that To the bank.
They didn't get it,
Which is a serious problem, Because i can't pay my rent now.
"ben."
Did you just eat that?
Yeah.
My name's ernie.
I'm 38 years young,
And i'm a production assistant Here with randy,
Which is great.
It's always been my dream To become a production Assistant.
Some people Like to dream high.
But if you set Your goals too high, You might not ever reach 'em.
The shitter's Clogged again.
Um, apparently, target Was looking for someone
With more "people skills."
I would've killed For that job.
Don't worry about it, man. I'll take care of it For you, okay?
You just, You know, relax.
I have a very weak stomach.
I can't really do The toilets or sometimes,
Take out the trash, 'cause i'll gag sometimes.
Usually always.
That and fish filets From mcdonald's.
It's something With the sauce.
It's like the white And the green.
Just thinkin' about it Makes me wanna...
I can't even think About fish.
It just... Sorry.
Sorry. I have These nightmares.
I know we were Doin' this interview.
I dream of these spoof movies All the time,
And i hate it.
I don't know Where it comes from.
Maybe my childhood. Maybe a...
you have to love Naked gun.
Why aren't you laughin'? Laugh!
Dad, it was funny The first few hundred Times we watched it.
What if we watch Something else?
that's a great idea. What about Naked gun 33 1/3, huh?
How about I get the popcorn?
You stay there. I'll get it.
Okay, dad. Oh, man.
Thanks, man.
It's just, last time, I started throwin' up When i tried to fix it.
No biggie, man. I understand.
I owe you big time.
Is it bad in there? You have no idea.
Overall, my lifelong Dream and goal
Is to find and marry And settle down with A beautiful woman.
He's not comin'.
If he isn't, I'm in charge. Right, wes.
You see the way He was acting? He was looking for
Any reason to punch Someone on their ass.
You know what? Steve's in charge. No, i'm good.
So do you guys think That was a real gun He was packin'?
You bet it was. Hi there.
Michael foster, Lester's lawyer.
Lester's been arrested For killing his parole officer.
He shot and killed About 20 people.
That's awful. You're tellin' me.
So what's gonna Happen to him now?
He'll get about Five or six days in jail.
He'll be out on parole Soon enough. I am His lawyer after all.
Really? No.
I'd say the electric chair's About the best he can Hope for now.
que horrible.
You're probably wondering Who is going to Take over the studio
In lester's absence. It's his wishes
That i introduce to you His associate, nancy longbottom.
Let's hope she's hot. No more fives and sixes In the office.
Hey, nancy. Thank you, michael.
Isn't nancy A girl's name?
Amanda: wes! So lame.
No, that's fine. I've Heard it since i was a kid. Got used to it now.
I have to get going, And i'm gonna leave you In the capable hands of nancy.
Thanks, michael.
Let me just be the first To say we're really Glad to have you here.
You have some Pretty big shoes to fill.
Shut up, fat face. And you. You ever laugh at my name again,
I'll put my arm Down your throat, Grab hold of your balls,
Pull 'em out And kick you In the nuts.
All right, son?
You might have noticed I've got a bit of a complex About my name.
Now...
Now that we all know Who's got the biggest Set of bollocks around here,
Let's get Down to business.
I'm here to make sure You hit your deadlines.
You have a couple of days.
So far, you're filling Those shoes nicely.
Shut it. So i'm here
To give you some inspiration. In fact,
I'm gonna tell you A story.
Once upon a time, In the east end of london,
There was a little lad. He used to go to the movies
Every sunday with his auntie. His name was nancy.
nancy's favorite movie Was a movie called snatch,
Because it had this big, Fierce guy in there.
His name was Bullet-tooth tony.
Now bullet-tooth tony... (unsnaps locks)
Had a gun, and it was A desert eagle .50.
A bit similar to this one. (all exclaiming)
Now... If you lot Don't write this script,
I'm gonna end up shootin' At least six of ya.
So let's get it done, Shall we?
now!! No me mate, por favor.
I'm just reading The u.S. Mandated set of rules
For all businesses.
I don't know exactly If it specifically says
It's illegal to bring A gun to work
And threaten your employees,
But i'm pretty positive It says it here somewhere.
I know you can't Bring two guns,
Or have two people Bring a gun at the same time.
(imitating nancy's accent) 'ello there.
I'm bullet-tooth... Ah!
(screaming)
Yep. Right here. Right here. No, that's not it.
I think It's a great idea.
Really? You're not Just saying that?
No. I think He'll love your script.
I think people will Really connect with it.
I've never read it.
Here's what happened.
The script is really long,
So i took a week Off of work to read it.
I was at my apartment Out on the balcony,
It was really windy, And the pages started Blowin' everywhere.
All over the place. And when i say everywhere,
I mean everywhere. They were all over My neighborhood.
It's over 600 pages.
And here's the thing. He didn't number them.
You have to number Your pages always.
So i didn't Get to read it.
Let me ask you A question about My script that you read.
The father scene Where my father was Abusive to the character,
Do you think the color I picked for the tricycle
Matches the emotional Tone of the scene?
Um, i... What color was it?
What was it?
I can't quite remember. I'm forgetting.
Green? No, green was my big wheel.
Red? No, it wouldn't be red.
So aren't you A little worried about The length of your script?
No. Why, do you think It's too short?
He said it should be, Like, 90 pages.
So you should probably Hurry up if you want To finish it, right?
Yeah, i better get goin'. I've only got four hours left.
It's not due till Tomorrow morning.
But my bedtime's 10:00. Where are you going?
Randy, i drove you today.
No running in the halls.
Hi, randy.
Oh, hey, gotta go. Lot of work to do.
Okay? Love you though. (crashing)
I'm sorry. I actually Didn't mean that Last part, okay?
Have a good day. You didn't?
Huh? No. Gotta go!
Oh, no.
Oh, god. Oh, god.
Oh, no!
Hi, randy. Oh, hey. How are ya?
Good, and you? Fine. Totally fine.
Well, back to work.
Oh, no.
What happened?
Fifteen. Eight.
Ninety-seven. Eight. Okay.
And... 90. Done.
So i'm stealing that little Prick's tricycle script.
I can't lose my job. How am i gonna do it?
Easy. Rule #1:
What?
Shit!
Something about smoke alarms. I don't know. I always forget.
(loud beeping)
Rule #5: always have A paper clip and chewing gum.
Wait, i don't think that's...
(quiet vibrating)
Today is the day I get to pitch my script.
This could be the beginning Of my new life.
Apparently, i peed My pants last night,
And i think there might have Been a fire in my apartment.
(loud slurping)
Well, guys...
You must admit, All your ideas are crap.
So, matt and brian Apparently have a script
With a big name attached, So, matt, brian.
I can't work there anymore. That is not a studio, okay?
It's a joke. I've never Heard of one of their movies.
Tom hanks. We had tom hanks.
Tom hanks on A letter Of intent.
Go away. Get out. Come on, man, let's go.
(tires screeching)
Fantastic, randy. Thanks for joining us.
I don't suppose There's any chance of you Comin' out with a screenplay
Or anything?
I think you're all Gonna really like it.
Love it, really.
I've been working on it My whole life.
It couldn't be crappier Than wes' idea about a tricycle.
(all laughing)
Yeah, it was stupid. What?
Am i not Speakin' english?
Wes here wanted To do a movie About...
Some abused kid On a tricycle. Same old tired crap.
Abuse happens every day. Just suck it up. Whatever.
I can't believe it. I was going to pitch A very similar idea
About a tricycle And an abused kid.
So what's your idea? My idea. You probably Want my idea.
Oh, jesus christ.
Jesus christ.
I would like to thank you all For joining me
For my last supper.
Now, first things first.
Must we all be on The same side of the table?
I don't understand. There's no chairs.
(all murmuring)
Perhaps a few of you Could move to the other Side of the table.
That way, we could See each other.
Forget it.
I'm afraid i have Some troubling news.
One of you At this very table
Is going to betray me.
Now, i won't say who.
I don't think That's the right thing to do.
(forced choking voice) Judas!
But i will... I will say that It's none of you six men.
Nor is it you.
Or you.
No. Or you.
It is not you.
Or judas.
Ben! Randy?
(whistling) Hey, ben, wake up.
Ben, this is Your big chance.
Ben. Randy.
Ben. Hey, ben!
(slow-motion Distorted voices)
(distorted) What's your bloody idea?
This is Your big chance.
Spoof movie. Spoof movie?
Oh, no. I hate Spoof movies.
'cause that's brilliant. I said it, i did. I love them.
It's a good idea. Can you expand on it For us?
There's no plot. Script?
No script. Good.
A spoof improv movie. Yeah, that's what I was goin' for.
Improv spoof movie. Yeah.
Title?
Not another, um... Not another... Movie.
I like it. What do you think, guys?
Do we agree? I like it?
We're gonna have So much fun on this.
We all agree? We're all focused On the same direction.
Now i don't Have to kill ya.
(uproarious laughter)
Long day. (laughter continues)
I'm frustrated. Spoof movies!
(groans)
All the time, every minute, I fall asleep, you know,
And i dream Of these spoof movies,
And i hate it. I wanna be...
(pounding)
Sorry. When i think of A spoof movie,
I just... (pounds)... I kinda get upset.
but i wanna dream of art movies, You know, like the piano.
or pi. Those are art.
Not spoofs. Not at all.
Randy. What?
Okay, go and write it, dude. Write your spoof movie, man.
Yeah, sure.
Congratulations. Let's do a spoof movie.
I got a lot of Brainstorming to do On the spoof movies.
I love spoof movies.
Do i think they'll do it?
It's possible. Do i think i could
Kill one of them And get away with it?
It's possible.
So stupid! So stupid!
Spoof movie! (yelling)
(continues yelling)
(cat meows)
Oh, sorry, kitty. Daddy's...
Wait a second. I don't have a cat.
This isn't my apartment. Woman: hello?
So...
Why are you so sad?
Wendy, i did Something horrible.
I did something i said I would never do my whole life
I sold my soul. I'm making a spoof movie.
You can never talk to me Again if you don't want to.
First of all, I like spoof movies.
No, you don't. You're always talking In our poetry club
How you hate 'em And they're stupid...
No, i don't. Everybody else does that.
And besides, who cares What everybody else thinks?
This is your big chance To make a movie. You should be happy.
You, right now, are like A proverb to my soul.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna make that Piece of crap spoof movie,
And it's gonna be The best piece of crap That anybody has ever made.
Can you make me One pinky promise?
You've got Both of 'em.
Can you just not make A drama about a tricycle?
Oh, yeah. No, no, no.
(stammering)
I'm kidding, randy.
I read your script, Remember, about your abuse.
Yeah. That actually Wasn't about me, remember?
That was about my cousin. The character, my cousin.
Then why did you Call him randy
And have the same Parents' names as yours?
And how he also Had a brother named joshua?
You're right. Making A spoof movie's A great opportunity.
So it's the big day. Oh!
It's the start of Pre-production,
And i have got A lot of pressure on me.
You know, Because i'm in charge.
But it's okay,
Because everyone says I work best under pressure.
(all clamoring)
Speak english! Speak english!
(all yelling)
Where's randy?
I think he quit, So i'll just take over.
Sorry i'm late.
Hey, where you been? You'll never believe What happened, guys.
I woke up and all My wheels were flat.
Apparently i ran over A bunch of knives last night.
Everybody's wondering What their job's gonna be On the shoot.
Yeah.
Okay. Yeah, great. I can tell you this.
Wes and steve, you're gonna Be production assistants.
Just ask ernie. It's a great job.
No! Are you kidding me?
Production assistant.
I am the head writer Of this studio.
You know what? Fine.
If randy wants to have A little war,
That's what randy's gonna get. He's gonna get a war.
Okay, bart, you're gonna Be doing casting.
Oh, ernie, i was Thinking you could be The executive producer.
Don't you think lester Might murder ernie If he finds out
He's executive producer?
I don't wanna be Executive producer.
Ernie, you can do it. Trust me, man. Trust me.
Randy, i don't want it! Calm down.
You can be The boom operator.
Let's see. Is that everybody?
What about me?
Oh, well, i just assumed You would've known You were makeup.
Okay here. I think that's good.
Because i'm a woman.
I don't even wear makeup.
I don't know Anything about it.
I have six brothers. I learned to pee standing up.
Okay, was that everybody? I know i gave you a job.
randy, y nosotros?
(speaks spanish)
I thought the new boss Was supposed to fire Alejandro and guzman.
I thought he did.
I thought you told me You were gonna Say something.
I told 'em They were fired.
But when i was in the meeting, I came in, i didn't Expect to see them.
It was so awkward.
I told 'em. I don't think They understand.
It's probably 'cause They don't speak english.
Maybe you should try To say something again.
You're probably right. I feel so bad.
I know. They're Such great guys.
Just don't tell 'em I said anything, okay?
Okay.
(exhales) All right, guys.
Bad news again.
You're fired.
gracias.
adios.
I heard a voice in the...
I'm sorry. It's the...
You know, square...
Cold thing.
Bottom line, boom. I was born to do casting.
Okay? My brain farts Are box office gold.
See, here's what it says. "refrig..."
Just say it so i know You can say the word.
Refrigerator. That's really good. Now just use it!
Acting is reacting. You're doing None of these things.
Ernie! Thanks for Bringing your sister in.
Hey, i'm an actor, So i get it.
I get it. I get what it takes.
Do you...
(stammering)
Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming to Our facility. Thank you.
Never... Ever...
Feed them... Before midnight.
I mean, after.
No! Everything you're Doing is poop.
run, forrest. I corre!
No!
forrest, corre! Corre, forrest.
corre! Corre! No, no.
(shrieking)
I'm in a play right now On broadway.
Not the new york broadway.
Broadway street Over in glendale.
There's a theater, nice stage, Plenty of parking, 99-seat.
Got ourselves A nice little run.
There's even a concession Stand in the back.
Boom! Friend request. Denied.
Don't cross the streams.
Thank you.
What? What? Say it. What?
Took me a long time To hang those up.
Ernie, just leave it.
Sorry, i... Just leave it.
That's my sister.
The bottom line is, I get it.
Okay, uh... Ooh, Funniest comedian Of all time.
Steve... Steven seagal. What about nipsey russell?
no, ernie. It's The little kid From jerry maguire.
(knocking on door)
Wait a minute. This used to be The bathroom.
We're just doing A little editing here.
Choppin' it up, Makin' dreams come true. What brings you back?
I'm just checkin' up On my brother, see how He's runnin' the show.
Who's your brother? Because all visitors Are supposed to check in
With lewis in the lobby, And he's a stickler.
His name is lester, Lester storm.
Don't recall. He's your boss.
I thought I was the boss. I'm taking over for you.
Randy, randy, randy, He owns the studio.
You are the director, Which means you are Not in charge.
Hold it, hold it.
You're the director?
Yes, sir. You're the p.A.
I remember you. You're that p.A. You're ken or whatever it is.
It's randy, actually. I just remember, Though, you were a p.A.
That was a long Time ago, sir.
That was three days ago. I know. It's been, Like, 72 hours.
He's makin' A spoof movie.
No, ernie! It's really, really funny.
Uh-huh.
Spoof movies. I hate them. Hate them.
I don't care What you call 'em.
It's just cheap, cheap parody. It can even be expensive.
they tried to do Gone with the breeze.
They couldn't even Get the fires going.
It was like a breeze. Just a breeze.
Huh? I don't get it. I don't get it.
I don't get spoof movies.
I don't see any art In spoofing something That was art.
(stammering)
Well, wait.
No, don't like 'em. Don't like spoof movies.
We're making one?
You know where The men's room is?
It's right Out that door.
Coming through. Coming in. Hey. Know where the men's room is?
Best action movie Of all time.
over the top. Wrong. Delta force. Scariest movie.
Scariest movie?
When i turned ten, I saw something
That scared the crap Outta me.
A bad guy in a movie, um...
I don't know How to put into words...
Terrorizing.
He kept me up so many nights, Givin' me nightmares.
Still does.
it was the bad guy from Kindergarten cop.
Hey, how you doin'?
Hey, how's it goin'? Good.
kindergarten cop. Hey, how are you?
Awesome to meet You, man. Richard tyson.
Richard, bart. Wow. I'm bart.
Yeah, just put that On file there. Wow!
Yeah. On file here. That's awesome. Nice to meet you.
What's your name? I'm bart.
Bart, nice to Meet you, man.
This is my best head shot I've ever had.
We'll keep it on file here. This is randy.
Hey, randy, how you--
Randy? Randy?
Is it something i ate? That is randy.
He's energetic, isn't he?
I'm wiping my eyes. Am i sitting here With richard tyson?
Are you? Wow. Wow!
I'm very honored to be here.
I mean, yeah. You might be Perfect for this.
Might be?
remember when you Worked with schwarzenegger On kindergarten cop?
Oh, schwarzenegger. Yeah, yeah.
You guys had That on-screen chemistry.
I looked at you, And you get it Like i get it.
On-screen what?
You know, i'm starting to Get used to this makeup thing.
I mean, it's a gift. I never knew i had it,
But i'm pretty good at it.
Kind of regret not wearing it More as a child.
Maybe i should try it.
(quiet conversation And laughter)
What up, what up? Tryin' to make an honest dollar.
Know what i'm sayin', Guys, boss man?
One more word, i'll Rip your lips off
And glue 'em to your navel. Morning, randy.
Good morning. What a happy day, huh?
Amanda. Yes, sir?
You look Like a hooker. Thank you, sir.
that's very sweet. Buenos dias.
hola.
What are they Still doing here?
Let's get down to it. Let's go over these schedules.
We have one week left. Randy,
You have the details.
I apologize. I'll go over The details here.
Sir, what we have Here with the... Ow!
Nancy: what's your problem?
I think something Bit me, sir. Ow! Mm!
Wes: what's wrong, randy?
Oh, oh! You okay?
I feel like something Is biting my nards.
You're screwin' with My hangover right now.
I'm so sorry. No!
You want me to fire you? You'll be off this project.
Feels like something is Literally taking a bite Of my genitals.
One more word, and i'll Staple your lips together.
'cause i have a nail gun... (gun fires again)
Right here.
Now keep it shut. (gun fires again)
Right. Saving caps. What are we gonna do?
You know what, sir? I actually don't have Any ideas on this matter,
But randy has quite a few. Go ahead, randy.
(gun fires again) Randy?
You understand the queen's English, randy? Spit it out.
Just tell him Your ideas. (gun fires repeatedly)
Come on, randy. Just let it out. Go ahead.
Get off my shoes, randy.
That's what we don't Need in a leader, right? Am i right?
It was kind of like Being pinched really hard
In the nut sack.
My dad used to pinch me Really hard
When i wouldn't salute him Or call him sir,
Or get the towels In the bathroom Aligned just perfectly.
They had to be perfect, The his and her towels.
I mean, aligned just right, Or, oof!
He also used to shoot me With a bb gun, and that hurt.
wait a second.
If you mess with me,
I will cut your throat Like a stick of butter.
Like a stick Of butter. Like.
No. I mean...
If you mess with me, I will cut your throat...
You're not scary. "if you mess with me,
I'll cut your throat Like a stick of butter," Is the line.
If you mess with me, I will cut your throat Like a stick of butter.
Okay? It was bad.
I'll tell you, You're too cute...
If you mess with me, I will cut your throat Like a stick of butter.
That's the best you got? Ow!! What?
(forcefully) If you mess with me,
I will cut your throat Like a stick of butter.
I knew it! Get out of my way!
What's wrong with that guy?
I don't know. What's this guy's problem?
I'm gonna fuckin' Knock him across the wall
In a second here. I don't...
What's he afraid of, ya know? I celebrate christmas,
I go to the ymca On occasion.
I walk to the park.
Sometimes, i sail on boats.
Randy? Hey, i'm sorry, dude.
Come on. We got off On the wrong foot.
I feel bad. I was just Readin' my lines, right? You wrote the lines.
If you come out here, We give it a chance,
We'll start over. How's that sound?
All right.
You're startin' to make me Look like an asshole.
If you don't come up, I'm gonna go out to my truck,
Get my filet knife, And gut you like a fish.
Startin' to make me Look like an asshole.
'cause acting, That's like a tennis match.
It's like, you fire Me a line and then you fire one.
And then it's Back and forth.
Who wins, i don't know. That's how the scene plays out,
but, um... When A few good men came out,
Were you gettin', Like, mad ass?
I'm married.
That's cool.
You know what? I need to talk To the director,
If he's awake.
Randy!
Okay, patrick, How's it goin'? Any word?
Nothin'. Okay.
John. John, how you doin' On that asteroid, man?
Listen, we really need you To push that button or We're all gonna die here, john.
john! We really need you To push that button, man.
come on, john, Push the button.
What are you doin', john?
What are you doin'?
John, push The button, buddy.
Come out to the asteroid, We'll get together,
We'll have a few laughs.
John, you gotta do it, man! We're runnin' outta time. Come on, mcclane.
Welcome to the party, pal.
John, listen to me Very carefully. You gotta push that button.
What do you think, I'm stupid, ha--?
I said, what do you think, I'm stupid, hans?
Who the hell is hans? John, come on, man. Push the button!
Let me talk To my daughter.
John, listen to me Very carefully.
You've already spoken to Your daughter three times, okay?
daddy? Hey, baby. It's daddy.
You gotta help us. We need to live. You gotta push the button.
I'm gonna have to break That promise i made to ya.
daddy's not Comin' home.
I know. You gotta Push the button, okay?
What am i doin' With a gun in space?
You gotta press the button! Press the button!
Push it, john! Daddy, push it!
Let me talk to him. Okay.
I gotta quit Smokin' cigarettes.
Dad, it's me. Listen. What you're doin' is A very brave thing.
You should be proud. I am.
I'm just the wrong guy In the wrong place At the wrong time.
Wait a minute. That's not my dad.
My dad's supposed to be Flying a fighter jet into An alien spaceship.
Who's drivin' this ship, Stevie wonder?
Sorry. It's cool.
There's some tang In the cooler. I'll get some tang.
They still make tang? They do.
I love tang. You know they make Grape tang now.
John! John, Push the button, john!
Johnny, push The button, john!
It's over, john. We all hate you, john.
push it!
Yippie-kai-yay, mother...
Yippie-kai-yay, moth--
He pushed the button! He pushed the button!
I love him. He pushed the button.
I love my dad. Guys, actually,
He didn't push The button in time.
What?
He only missed it By a few minutes.
Yeah, exactly.
Actually, he missed it By about an hour and a half.
Oh, look. It just Touched the earth.
Are we gonna...
Randy! Get up.
Wastin' the talent's Time here.
I'll talk to you, cuba.
Sorry about that. I dozed off there.
Hey, i was hopin' I'd get a chance To talk to you, wolfgang.
Can i call you wolf? Yeah.
Great. Listen, dawg, You had a great performance,
Especially those Last few takes. It was so good.
It was great. There's nothin' I can even say.
It was amazing. Thank you.
I do have some notes, Mainly about your dialogue. Not working.
You want me to do Something different?
I'm just tryin' to do The lines like in the movie.
Yeah, that's what i was Hoping for, too, along With the rest of the crew.
Really, what i was hoping For was maybe that you Did some research,
And maybe rented the movie Once or twice or once.
Really researched it, Because you obviously Don't know what a code red is.
I don't need To rent the movie. I was in the movie.
I know what A code red is.
Were you an extra? An extra?
Mm-hmm. I was one of the leads.
That's why they Cast me in this role.
It was a role I played in the movie.
I get it.
This is an issue Of industry terminology.
You see, a lead is One of the focus characters In the film.
You were probably A lead background extra,
Which is more like A set piece or a prop.
(quietly) I had a pretty good Role in that movie.
I was not a prop.
No reason to raise Your voice, okay?
Who's raising their voice?
No reason to scream. I think there's just A miscommunication here.
What we're spoofing Is a military courtroom drama
That had jack nicholson, Tom cruise and Denzel washington.
It wasn't Denzel washington. It was me.
Okay?
I'm the actor Who played the guy Who did the code red.
Agree to disagree.
Why are we shooting this In a spaceship?
Because that's Where it happened.
You know what? Maybe you oughta Rent the movie.
Okay, 'cause it did not Happen in a spaceship.
It was a courtroom drama.
Listen, i don't want To fight with you, okay?
All i want you to do Is say the line
Exactly how Denzel washington said it.
"you ordered the code red."
I did not order The code red.
I did it.
Okay? I'm the guy That killed santiago.
Listen, dawg, I am not a therapist.
All i need you to do Is say the line exactly How denzel said it.
Let me see the script.
Okay, come inside here. You know, this is where...
I'm not gettin' in there. What am i gettin' in there for?
Because this is The courthouse, The judge comes up here.
No, the judge is over here, And it's the moment...
Whatever. Listen, do the improv.
You'll be great. He's gettin' into it.
Hey, you, uh... Nicholson and cruise,
You said they were Gonna do this, so They're comin', right?
Absolutely not. We lied.
Okay, whenever You're ready. And, cut.
Randy. Oh, hey, wendy.
How are you? I'm good.
Is this a bad time? Oh, no, i love you.
I mean, Walk with me.
I was just Talking to an extra.
I've missed you The past few weeks.
Really? Yeah.
Listen, i've just been Thinking about something You said to me over and over,
And i just wanted to Come down here and get Some closure on it.
Oh, no, listen, I say a lot of things That i don't mean.
What did i say?
You said you loved me.
Might have been One of those.
What did you think About what i said Or didn't say?
I probably didn't. I don't remember.
I liked it. I said it, i did.
I remember you were Wearing a green dress.
So you do?
Wendy, i wanna Be honest with you.
I have a lot of Commitment issues.
Would you marry me?
Problem! Randy, we got A big friggin' problem. Come on.
Wait, wait, wait. Randy.
I'm sorry. Go ahead.
I didn't even mean it. Or i did. We can Talk about it.
Hi.
You're wendy, right? Yeah.
It's kind of A secret,
But randy's planning On proposing.
Oh, yeah? Shh.
Okay.
Okay, calm down What happened?
Just a minor issue, randy. We're missing all of Our footage.
We only have one tape. Should we have More than one?
Hey, news flash, randy. We're supposed to have 35 tapes.
35? Randy, where are all the tapes That we bring you every day
For the last Three weeks?
Okay, i sit here, And somebody come in And brings me a tape.
I don't know What to do with it, So i bring it back to 'em.
Can i make An observation, randy?
You're displaying symptoms Of mild retardation.
Oh, now come... Come on. Come on.
Randy, how many of the tapes That we brought to you Did you bring back to us?
All of 'em?
You're stressin' me out Big time, randy.
I will play The blame game. What'd i do?
You screwed up Big time, randy.
What's going on? Idiot recorded over All the footage.
Did i? You did?
Tell him.
I just proposed, And i'm pretty sure She said no, and her hair
Smells like strawberries. I'll probably never Smell hair again.
We don't have any tapes, We don't have any footage.
This orangutan Takes the tapes to his room
And does weird Little thing with them, Then he brings them back
And he records over them. All of it?
All of it.
That's horrible. Pinch me. This ain't a dream.
Thanks, people. Give yourselves A pat on the back.
End of story. Lester's money's gone. You go and see lester.
You sort it out With lester. You complete prick.
And you two, That stupid grin On your face.
We wanted to fire you Three or four times, okay?
yeah? Now you're fired! Right? Comprende? Fuego! Piss off!
Out. Ben, do us a favor, son. You go with 'em, all right?
Otherwise, i'll get Richard fucking tyson And sort you smart out.
Oh, great, i'm fired. How can this happen?
Wes, get in here And sort this out.
You left me In the pod.
I'm sorry i didn't Rent your movie.
I don't wanna be Fired. I'm sorry, okay?
Randy. I'm sorry.
I wanted to talk To you about the ring.
I get it, okay? You don't wanna marry me.
Randy. Randy, Here's your last paycheck.
Let me guess. Another check Made out to ben.
I'll tell you what. I'm not ben, okay?
I'm not ben, I'm not ben, I'm not ben,
I'm not ben.
I'm randy. R-a-n-d-y. Randy.
The bank doesn't even Accept these. I can't even cash 'em.
That was to randy eubanks.
Do you have any tape?
No. Okay.
Great. No tape! I wish i was ben.
Maybe then you'd Remember my name.
Maybe then You'd like me, Not hate me.
I like my chest hair. I don't care if you do.
I wish i was ben. I wish i was ben!
I wish i was ben.
I don't even care anymore. Stupid ring.
Sorry, grandma.
(cat yowls)
(crying loudly)
Why does it feel So good to cry?
I feel like i've never cried Until this day.
What a mess.
God, he is a moron.
Randy. Randy?
What the hell Are you doin' here?
I thought i Took away your key.
What key? I don't Have a key. Your door's open.
You shut up. You do not speak Unless you are spoken to.
You just spoke to me.
I asked you nicely To shut your mouth, But you just couldn't do it.
You're gonna get A visit from mr. Belt.
What belt? This belt.
The one that's Gonna hit you Across your face.
Oh, that doesn't feel good. There's no belt.
Maybe you'll feel it If it hits your little pecker.
Oh, doesn't feel good. Hurts when it hits the tip.
You're creepin' me out a little Bit, and i think you got me Confused with someone else.
I ain't confused, randy, You chubby little bastard. Now you shut up.
Why don't you Just calm down-- Shut it!
Ha! I don't have time for this.
Some people at work Are worried about you,
So i said i'd come by And check on you. It really stinks in here.
Nipple shot, Nipple shot, Pecker shot.
Just calm down. Priorities, priorities.
What is wrong with you? Priorities.
Daddy's gotta Take a piss.
Daddy feels like A camel today.
I need some more Help with this.
Unload. Unload.
Daddy went in His shorts again.
Wes: you need water? Are you okay?
(growls)
Thanks. You're welcome, randy.
I told you. See?
I'm pretending like I didn't see that. It scares me.
Don't be a wussy. Come on.
Jog. Come on, randy.
Five more miles. Keep it goin'.
Randy? Whoa, whoa, Whoa. Randy?
(ice cream truck Music jingling)
Randy?
Randy! Ra...
"the boy found the tricycle And was overwhelmed with joy,
"a joy he hadn't felt Since he was in middle school
"when he got a single During kickball to almost Tie the game up,
"even though he got Thrown out at second And they lost.
The end."
This is a really Great script, Huh, ernie?
Hey, let's Read it again.
That's a good idea. Would you like that, Randy? Yeah?
"once upon a time, there were Two dead, naked bodies."
Come on, Snap out of it.
I can't breathe. Oh, you can breathe.
Have some more.
You ready To quit faking?
Oh. Oh, great. Now he's playing dead.
Playing dead, randy? Is that what You're gonna do?
Okay, he's just Gonna play dead.
All right, randy. We're gonna leave.
We're leaving, randy. Bye-bye.
Where do you think You're goin'? I'm comin' with you.
Go home, boy, Or you'll feel The back of my hand.
But i finished my work.
Go home or i'll give you A kick in the ass.
I need you to stay here And look after the place For me while i'm away.
But, dad, i can fight.
No, you can't. Yes, i can.
It's our wits That make us men,
And you do not Have any wits. You've none at all.
In fact, you're Downright stupid.
What are you doin' With that stupid Paint on your face?
So i can be A warrior like... Give me that
Before you cut Your bollocks off.
In fact, if you Got into a fight,
You'd probably Run away and piss yourself.
Jesus christ. You cannot Even stay awake for Five minutes.
(thudding sound)
(deep inhalation) I'm alive!
It was a joke. You're an asshole.
The last thing i remember Is coming into my apartment Right after i was fired,
And then, i sat here...
Did that just happen? I've been a real jerk to you.
No, you haven't. Yes, i have.
No, we're friends. No, we're not.
No, we're not friends. We're best friends.
All the accidents At work... I'm real accident-prone.
Your tricycle script. I know. I thought That was weird.
Did i tell you that i had The same idea for a script? I even wrote it.
I know. It was yours.
That's why we're Best friends. We think alike.
And act alike. We should get t-shirts.
Oh, my god. You are so stupid.
Okay, now you're Being mean.
And best friends don't Treat each other that way.
Randy, i stole Your script.
I took it from you When you were sleeping Right there.
I broke your desk, I set off your fire alarm, You are not accident-prone.
Okay, just leave it there.
So i did everything Else to you... Just Leave it, okay?
I did everything Else to you.
I've been a real jerk.
I've been making your life A living hell, and i'm sorry.
I can see what Your hand is doing. I can see it.
I'm trying to be nice to you Here, randy, and you're Being a jerk about it.
I came here to give you Your job back and ask you To direct the tricycle script,
You dick!
I'm sorry. I shouldn't Have called you that.
It's okay.
It's okay, buddy.
Thanks? It's all right.
Randy. Randy? Yeah?
You're in your underwear. I know. It's okay.
Can i sit here? Sure.
Wendy, before You say anything,
I just have to apologize For leaving you at The studio a few days ago.
It's okay. I wanted to call.
I just, uh... I've just Been dealing with it In my own way.
I've... I've been Out of town.
Huh? Yeah.
I've been at the hamptons. It's where i go To gather my thoughts.
Randy, i've been With you the last Two days.
I don't know what You're talking about,
But i was definitely at The hampton inn.
Wendy, i like you, And, uh...
I've always Liked you, wendy.
I know i was a little fast In giving you the ring And asking you to marry me,
And i know you Don't want to, And it's okay.
I just hope that we Can still be friends.
No, i do. Me, too.
I love your Friendship and... No.
I would not-- Listen to me, 'cause i mean it.
I wouldn't do anything ever To sacrifice our friendship.
I wanna marry you. Except for that.
Our friendship's gone. You're gonna be my wife.
Are you saying... You really wanna...
I can't breathe Right now.
I might have thrown The ring into The l.A. River.
No, you didn't. No, i did.
I threw it hard. I threw it really far. I'm a baseball player.
No, you didn't. No, i did. I know what i did.
I threw it. Are you calling me A liar again?
Randy, i've, uh, Had it the whole time.
Wait a second. This is my grandma's Cubic zirconium...
I mean, diamond.
So i thought It was just The box that i threw.
I guess it...
So we're doin' this? I mean, we're...
We're really Getting married.
I guess so. Okay.
Well, first things first.
Oh! This feels good. It feels like, It feels right.
That's the wrong finger.
Of course it is. Let me try that again.
All right.
It feels right, Doesn't it? It feels perfect.
Still the wrong finger. Okay, we'll try That again.
It would be This finger. I know that.
So i guess this means We should kiss.
Okay. Yeah. I mean, It's standard.
Standard married...
Um, just to warn you...
Just to warn you...
I have never Kissed a woman.
And i've been really Excited about this,
So i'm just gonna go And i'm feeling Really romantic right now.
I'm just gonna Do this, okay? Okay.
I'm kissing your nose, Aren't i?
Uh-huh.
I'm sorry. I've just Never done this before.
It's okay. I should probably stop Grabbing your face.
Okay. Okay?
Just pretend like That never happened.
I'm sorry.
So... It's Me and you now.
Yeah.
It's just me and you.
What? Hmm?
So apparently,
I ordered something from Yugoslavia last night.
Yeah. It's a bride.
She'll be here tomorrow.
You're not at Quizno's now, okay?
I need you To give me pacino.
Right now, you're Giving me boo radley.
Access your inner child. He's drunk today!
(speaking spanish)
Ready? Yeah, i'm ready. I been ready all day.
I'm sorry. Okay, slower, slower. You're goin' too fast.
Go faster. Ernie, get outta the way. Get outta the way. Ow!
Oh, hit me in The head. Thanks.
And... Cut! Come on, kid, It's your big moment.
Cut! Cut!
Forget it. Action.
Chicken.
That was it.
It just came to me One night.
Flavor number 32, Chicken ice cream.
Everybody loves chicken. Everybody eats chicken.
You put the rainbow Sprinkles on it for the kids,
Call it chicken salad.
I know it sounds... That sounds silly.
So anyway, the studio...
Uh, pretty much went under,
And i lost pretty much Everything i had,
But it was A blessing in disguise,
Because i think It gave me the time
To really pursue My calling,
My life calling Which is, of course,
Opening up My ice cream shop again,
And i called it 32 flavors.
Beat that, Mr. Robbins.
Woman: actually, i think They have 50 flavors now.
Oh, 50 flavors. What are you talking about?
No, they do. They have, Like, 50 flavors.
Don't say that. Don't say it again.
You know, we really Only need one camera here.
If you'd put your camera Down, please, and leave.
I'm trying to speak To the...
Just put it down. I'm sorry.
I'm starting to sweat.
Fifty flavors. Who told her that? Shit.
So we wrapped on The tricycle picture, It went great.
No one actually watched it, Which was good because
I'm actually trying To let that part of me go.
The film was not About my cousin. It was about me.
I'm so proud Of you, honey. Thanks, babe.
But i am working on A brand-new script.
It's wonderful. It's about a small boy Who's afraid of fire,
Because his dad would Actually put out cigars On his neck.
That one's about My cousin.
That one's about My cousin, so...
So, we're married now.
Yeah, it's goin' great. What else is new?
Oh, yeah, we had Coitus last night.
Yes, we did.
But, baby, can you Never call it coitus Ever again?
Oh, yeah. Sorry, babe.
Hey, i'm gonna go Get that coffee for you. She's a coffee nut.
So... I think marriage life Is really good for us.
Especially randy.
He's changed so much, You probably wouldn't Even recognize him.
He's really learning How to deal with his past.
He's really maturing.
He's just growing up.
Randy?
Are you getting sleepy?
(bell rings)
You shut up, You shut up. Pecker, pecker!
Pecker. Yah, yah. Pecker, pecker.
Now i'm tired, And daddy's gonna Take a piss.
So wes and i decided To start a production company.
It's going great. I'm finally living Out my dreams,
Which is amazing.
With wes and ben's, You're getting An amazing deal.
We can take your script And make it into A blockbuster.
I'm talking big. Let me talk about quality.
Capital "q." (bb gun fires)
Randy: why are you crying?
Yes. I'm gonna enjoy this.
So i'm still learning American law.
Apparently you need Some kind of a permit
So that you can Carry a gun.
And they don't like it When you shoot someone, I can tell you that.
I went abroad, And i'm rooming with lester.
In a cell with lester.
But you know, We got a theater group goin'.
everybody's involved. It's mamma mia!
Yeah, but we've had to Push it back.
Our lead guy Got stabbed in the showers By the understudy.
Apparently picked up The wrong piece of soap.
(sighs)
The show will go on.
I know. It's okay. You want whipped cream.
I hope you just didn't Miss your chance To read your poem.
(shrieks)
This is unbelievable. Everyone else sees This, right?
You are a nightmare.
An absolute nightmare To work with.
Yeah, cheryl. Why don't you Say something?
Come on, cheryl. Say something.
I'm on my period, I'm grouchy, I don't wanna talk.
So i know randy's an idiot,
But he did help me To find my gift.
My gift of makeup.
I started my own Makeup line.
I actually named it After randy.
It's called... Ignorance.
Randy doesn't get it, But, oh well.
Booger!
He was trying To make me laugh.
Apparently, there was Some mix-up thing
With randy And the internet.
I solved that problem For him, and i'm married.
Reached my ultimate goal.
So... Where is she from?
Uh...
The republic Of yugoslavia.
Not from around here.
It's funny How these things work out.
Because i actually Was thinking about
Buying a wife On the internet.
But my credit card-- I was way, way over the limit,
So when randy came To me with this,
I jumped on it, so...
Originally, i was Gonna go asian,
But i think this actually Worked out better for me.
So, um... And we're Really, really happy.
We are... You're happy, right?
(speaking spanish)
I've never been fired So many times in a day.
Man: cut.
I'm pumped. I'm friggin' pumped.
Listen to this. I got a job as a disc jockey.
I'm bart the deejay.
That's tight, right? I'm working for z94.3 fm.
They gave me This cool time slot.
I'm working mondays, 2:00 to 5:00 a.M.
I'm doin' this thing On the air now.
I'm, like, what up? Boom. I'm goin' bart-listic on you.
Everyone in the studio's, Like, that's tight.
I'm pretty much coverin' All the big stuff.
I'm doin' intersections, Cars, water main breaks.
I'm doing traffic. Mostly traffic.
But let's be honest.
Being on the radio Doesn't hurt in The ass department, right?
Boom! We're gettin' Bart-listic on you.
(high-pitched vocalizing) Man: musical.
Marker.
Wes' ideas Are very good,
And i should Listen to him more.
Is that too many metaphors?
Maybe it is. (laughter)
Why aren't you laughin'?
Why couldn't i have Thought of that first?
(airplane overhead) Hit the deck!
He started to struggle, And i started to Beat him in the head,
Again and again and again.
But they ordered us To do it.
Bobby? What's his name?
It's randy. Randy?
'cause i'm uncomfortable Being nude in front of Other people.
Never let go. Promise you'll Never let go.
I got hot cocoa.
I'm starting to lose My power of sight.
Oh, you got me.
Push it. Push The fucking button!
(all yelling)
Let me talk to him.
Dad, it's me. Listen, What you're doing
Is a very brave thing.
So...
So stupid. What a stupid opening.
Stupid, stupid.
...Over at Craft services.
(imitates gunfire)
You screwed up Big time, randy.
Can i help you?
Too late.
I think you're lost.
Did you call cut Already?
Can i go home And get my contacts? No!!
Look right over there At the card and read it.
Yeah, we speak english.
We just find it easier To never do it.
We don't have To work very hard.
We get out of jobs That we don't wanna do.
And they can't fire us. That's a big plus.
Yeah. Very.
Can you guys Move your car? It's in my spot.
no ingles.
(speaking spanish)
Great. I don't Speak spanish.
So it's the big day. Oh!
I got it. So today's the big day. Oh!
It's the start of...
Oh, i get it now. You're no.
So it's the big day.
Action. I work best Under pressure.
I forget you're no When you said this.
So it's the big day. Oh!
(laughter)
I didn't even mess up.