Three Hundred Big Boys
MAN: This Week in the Universe.
Dateline, Tarantulon 6.
The brave warriors of Earth...
...under the command of Gen. Maj. Webelo Zapp Brannigan...
...have achieved victory over the spider homeworld.
And to the victor belong the spoils.
One trillion dollars in silken treasure.
[MOANS]
My fellow Earthicans, after meeting with top voodoo economists...
...l have decided to refund our silk surplus to you, the taxpayers.
That's right, I've sent you each 300 buckaroos...
...in the form of a Tricky Dick Fun Bill. Knock yourselves out!
[CHEERING]
I'm slightly richer!
BENDER: What to do, what to do?
One $300 hooker-bot or 300 $1 hooker-bots?
I'm gonna swim with a whale.
-They're the gentle giants of the deep. -I'm well aware of that.
Scruffy's gonna get himself one of them $300 haircuts.
This one's lost its pizzazz.
A fortune, it is.
At last, Zoidberg will live like a rich man!
Hey, cut it out. Go away. Get away from me.
It's just 300 bucks. What is that, like 1 00 cups of coffee?
That's it! I'm getting 1 00 cups of coffee, starting now.
Coffee machine, one cup of coffee, please.
Smells good.
-Leela, are you there? -No.
Oh, yes, you are. I'm hereby inviting you and your oddball coworkers...
... to a special reception to display the national silk surplus.
I believe you know the heroic space stallion who captured it.
Show them my medal, Kif.
He rented it with his tax refund.
So, Leela, will you have the pleasure?
What little there is to be had.
Tomorrow night at 8, then. Smooches.
No cheap crack houses for me no more!
Very good, sir. Shall I pre-warm sir's crack pipe?
[MOANS]
[KIF GASPING]
Oh, Kif, it was so romantic of you. . .
. . .to rent this paddle plane with your tax rebate.
We're like two dandelion seeds wafting on the breeze.
Yes. Seeds. Wafting.
I almost feel kind of shallow for blowing my rebate on this cool talking tattoo.
Hey, Gordon Gekko. I cost as much as this whole crummy date!
Shut up! Ow!
Ma'am, it has become too much of a chore for me. . .
. . .to clean out my wrinkles each day.
Is it true that stem cells may fight the aging process?
Well, yes. In the same way an infant may fight Muhammad Ali, but--
One pound of stem cells, please!
Of course, any age-reversing effects will be purely temporary.
[SCREAMING]
BENDER: Ooh!
Oh!
Say, buddy, why is this Grand Cigar so pricey?
Well, as you can see. . .
. . .its wrapper is a piece of the original U.S. Constitution.
It was hand-rolled by Queen Elizabeth during her wild years. . .
. . .and was buried with George Burns until grave-robbing space mushrooms--
Well, you know the rest.
-Give you 300 bucks for it. -No can do.
Oh, all right. I'll just take these $300 burglar's tools, then.
Very good, sir.
So, what time you close tonight?
Hey, Pops! Did that tax rebate come?
Came and went.
You're now the proud owner of Bamboo Boogie Boots!
With a warning label this big, you know they gotta be fun.
But, Pops, I don't want to have fun.
I want to be like you, boring but prudently invested.
Babylon's bells!
I tallied almost 300 bananas on this entertainment product!
-Now you put them on and have fun. -I don't wanna!
Well, then, I'm gonna put them on and make you watch me have fun! See?
Fun, fun--
[HERMES SCREAMING]
-Dwight! Help me! -I'll save you, Pops!
[SCREAMING]
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey! Turn that damn music--
Up.
-Isn't this fun? DWIGHT: No! I wish I had two mommies!
Try these on, sir.
I ask for rich-guy stuff, and you give me shiny pebbles?
I bid you adieu.
Ah!
[MIMICS THE THREE STOOGES]
I'd like a pass to swim with Mushu, please.
Well, you asked the right guy. I'm the whale biologist.
Though, personally, I hate whales. Especially Mushu.
Then why'd you become a whale biologist?
I don't know you well enough to get into that. $300, please.
Noon tomorrow. If you're late, you tread water in the scallop tank.
Yeah. I'll have a coffee.
-Guppy, trout, mermaid or--? -Whale, please.
[KIF GASPING]
Amy, I also spent some of my tax rebate on a gift for you.
Oh, Kify!
KIF: It shows the time wherever we both are, and it's powered by love.
Also, you have to wind it.
-Oh! Somebody won big at Skee-Ball! -You shut up!
I love it, Kif. I'll use it whenever I want to know what time it is.
It's Fry and Leela.
Hi, Fry and Leela!
Keep peddling! Oh, for the love of God, keep peddling!
[SCREAMS]
[CROWD SCREAMING]
Bye, Fry and Leela!
[BABBLING]
Oh.
Oh! I can't wait till the tattoos on Amy's butt hear about this!
MALE TATTOO: About what? FEMALE TATTOO: Tell us!
[HORSE NEIGHS]
[KIF SOBBING]
Don't feel sad, my little tadpole.
I'm trying not to. . .
. . .but my gift to you is in the belly of a whale.
Say, this reminds me of that time I ate that other watch Kif gave you.
-Hey, it is kind of like that. -To induce vomiting.
That was the solution. Everywhere it went.
[CHUCKLING]
What a Valentine's Day that was.
Hmm. This may seem like a huge coincidence. . .
. . .but I happen to have an in with that whale.
Scruffy's formulated a plan. . .
. . .but you'll need a ready source of nauseating rotten fish.
-Freshen your coffee, sir? -Yeah. Keep it coming.
Put the pot down. Get away!
You're so young in spirit. It's hard to believe you're as old as 25.
The key is to grab life by the ho-joes. Live every day like it might be your last.
-What'll it be, kids? -One bowl of mild farina.
Pay dirt.
[LEELA YELLS]
[FREEZER MOTOR STOPS]
[WHISTLING]
Here you go, big spender. Foie gras and caviar.
Goose liver? Fish eggs?
Where's the goose? Where's the fish?
Hey, that's what rich people eat. The garbage parts of the food.
I ate garbage yesterday, and it didn't cost me $300!
I'm not paying. Farewell, good sir.
[MIMICS THE THREE STOOGES]
[GRUNTS]
The Grand Cigar, she is mine.
And with absolutely no consequences.
[CHUCKLING]
[MONSTER GROWL]
-You see that? -Grand-theft tobacco.
Time to get off our fat cop asses and ride.
[HERMES SNORING]
Hey, you. This fish is slightly too rotten to even make jambalaya.
So far so good. Where's Kif?
[GROANING]
This isn't Yemeni! It's Sulawesi!
The cup's shaking! I don't want my coffee shaking!
You seem a tad wound up, buddy. And your face is greasy. Real greasy.
-Been up all night? -Of course I've been up all night!
It was insomnia. I couldn't stop thinking about coffee.
I need a nap.
Coffee time!
-Mighty fine smokable. -Fancy cigar.
Why don't you smoke it already! Puff, puff! Go, go, go!
No. You can't blow the smoke from such a majestic stogy. . .
. . .in just anyone's face.
I'm saving it for the fancy-pantses at Zapp Brannigan's black-tie reception.
You coming?
[BABBLING]
And the fifth reason whales kill is for the sheer fun of it.
-Anything else? -You're lumpy and you smell awful.
Hey, I calls them like I sees them. I'm a whale biologist.
Okay, Mushu, it's feeding time.
[MUSHU MUNCHING]
-Oh, crud. He ate my suit. BIOLOGIST: It was ugly! Whale biologist.
[GRUNTING]
-Perhaps if you tightened your grip, sir. -Thank you, golf slave.
Rich people wouldn't waste their time on this nonsense.
Plus, these eggs are gritty and tasteless.
[MOANING]
Ow! Not so rough!
[MUSIC PLAYS]
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting Mushu!
The educated whale who thinks he's better than you!
Come on, Mushu! Barf! Barf like a freshman!
And now, ignorant whale lovers. . .
. . .we'll see who's boss as I make Mushu jump through this hoop!
Jump, Mushu.
[GAGGING]
BIOLOGIST: Who wants a fish?
[CHILD CRYING]
Mushu is sad!
It just keeps coming and coming.
[BENDER HUMMING]
Wait. That choke. It's the watch.
[CHEERING]
I got it, Amy. I got it.
-The plan went off without a-- -He's got aquarium property! Stop him!
Better do what he says. He's a whale biologist.
You're under arrest, you squishy punk.
Oh.
[GAGGING]
VAGRANT: Oh!
The Spidarians, though weak and womanlike on the battlefield. . .
. . .are masters of the textile arts.
Taste like king crab, by the way.
Crazy bugs actually wove this tapestry of my heroic conquest. . .
. . .while I was still killing them.
What? It's not even scratch and sniff.
But if rich people think it's good, I'll buy it. One art, please!
What a clever impersonation of a stupid poor person.
How much is that place mat actually worth, Brannigan?
-Exactly $1 billion. -Now, that's walking-around money.
NIXON: What? Hey!
So I said to Kitty, "The only way to keep the butler from running away. . .
-. . .is to cut off his foot. " -Ah. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Yes, it reminds me of a joke I heard about upper-middle-class people.
[SOBBING]
I've never been sad at a party before.
I wonder if my mind is thinking about Kif being in jail?
Jail's not so bad. You can make sangria in the toilet.
-Of course, it's shank or be shanked. -Of course.
Look, just give back our property, and we'll drop the charges.
Fine. Have the watch. It's broken anyway.
I don't want your watch. You're covered in precious ambergris.
Precious hamburgers?
ROSEANNE: "Ambergris. " Noun.
A greaselike product of the sperm whale's digestive tract. . .
. . .that is used as a base in the finest perfumes.
This has been Roseanne, your guide to the world of facts.
You heard Roseanne. Scrape off the priceless ambergris, and I'll let you go.
Or better yet, I'll simply shed my skin.
[GRUNTING]
Stop it. Stop it. It's fine. I will destroy you!
[CLOCK CHIMES]
[GASPING]
Gotta go. Fight club.
PUNK GIRL: What's happening, Hubie?
I'm afraid the face you fell in love with was actually just a blob of living gunk. . .
. . .I bought with my tax refund.
Well, as long as we're being honest. . .
. . .I also spent my tax refund on a crazy treatment.
That certainly is honest.
It's better for us to both just be ourselves.
-You, wrinkled as a prune. -You, fat as the queen of sea cows.
I love you!
FARNSWORTH: Oh, my!
So you see, the putrid, waxy substance. . .
-. . .I was coated with was-- -Not precious ambergris?
Yes! And I managed to sneak some out in the usual place.
Using that, I'll make you a perfume of lilac and jasmine and frankenberry.
Oh, Kif, it's so romantic, I can't even wait!
I'm gonna wear it right now.
[SPITTING]
[GROANING]
-Who smells like freaking porpoise hork? -I do!
Kiss me, Kif.
Oh, what a foolish squid I've been.
I'm not rich. I can't even buy one measly masterpiece.
Pardon us, gent. Might a couple of hungry, hungry hoboes. . .
. . .take a feed from that aluminum snack box?
Ah. So now I'm in the gutter, surrounded by bums who eat garbage?
Money brought me no happiness. Bupkis.
This boot's got a little pudding at the bottom.
Interestingly, the Spidarians are more closely related to our elephants. . .
. . .than our spiders.
[CHUCKLES AND GASPS]
[SCREAMING]
Don't mind us!
[SCREAMING]
The loot. The loot! The loot is on fire!
Leela, my precious rock dove! I'll save you!
-Everyone, to the fire door! -It's on fire!
We're trapped, my sweet hippopotamus!
Coffee, coffee, coffee!
[FRY'S HEARTBEAT RACING]
DWIGHT: Where are we, Pops? -What happened to the food?
I think we were saved by a mysterious orange blur.
Welcome, one and all! I finally figured out how money could make me happy. . .
. . .by using it to buy my hungry friends a feast!
VAGRANTS: Hooray!
Everyone join us. Oysters Rockefeller here has provided genuine turkey dogs.
Heck, you're never too rich to enjoy a free turkey dog.
-Yeah! BENDER: All right! Turkey dog!
-I'll take four. -Me too.
Oh, what the hell.
Here, Dwight. The boots only cost $299.99.
-You invest this penny like you wanted. -Thanks, Dad.
I'm gonna take this and buy five shares of Amazon.com.
A risk-taker. That's my boy.
The entire surplus is gone! Oh, what a McGovern I've been.
Why did I have to issue that crooked tax rebate?
At least we got a few mildly interesting stories out of it.
Oh, my, yes.
Speaking of which, my story kind of petered out. . .
. . .without me learning a lesson.
[CHUCKLING]
There he is.
All right! Closure!
[GROANING]
BENDER: Stop that! Ow!
"Futurama. " Noun.
I don't know. You just watched it, dummy.
What are you asking me for?
Hey, here's a fun definition.
"Idiot. " Noun.
You!
[LAUGHING]
This has been Roseanne, your guide to the world of facts.