I always forget stuff when I walk out the door.
If any of my ex-boyfriends had picked up on that
perhaps things would have turned out differently...
but probably not.
Zach was my first serious boyfriend and I was madly in love.
I thought he was the best.
You're the best!
Apparently so did my best friend Stephanie.
Baby!
I know this looks bad.
As well as Liz.
You're home early.
Evan was my rebound guy.
But of course. I feel in love again because he seemed so perfect.
But... he was perfect for Steven and Smiley Pete as well.
No no no no...
And Phil was my rebound of the rebound.
Bad!
You bad baby!
That's when I decided to move to Los Angeles.
What better city to replace perfect boyfriends,
long term commitment... and heartache,
with short term happiness and superficiality...
At least it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well, fast forward a few years.
I forgot to introduce myself.
I'm Dale.
That's me a few years later.
Sucking face with my kinda sorta boyfriend J.P.
He's a fashion photographer.
Remember that cover of Charlize in the green evening gown?
J.P. took that.
God I'm already name dropping...
That's so lame.
Baby, give me your foot.
My foot?
You ever had your toe suck before?
No, J.P... I...
Ok...
Delicious...
What, no good experience?
Bye baby.
I love this song.
It reminds me of being in Rome.
I wonder if toe sucking is big in Rome?
Baby you want a beer?
The six pack no?
Baby, we have good energy.
We have a good energy me and you no?
Yes.
Come here...
Come dance with Papi.
Me and J.P. have been together on and off for about six months.
It's going pretty good but
sometimes I get the feeling I'm not the only girl J.P's seeing.
Oh, J.P...
No, no...
Are you still there?
Just stay here.
Who is that J.P?
Computer is broken.
Is crazy joke... No...
Come out where ever you are.
I only have eyes for you.
Hey J.P! Let's do that thing with the toes again.
Call me if you want to rendezvous.
- Hey... - Bye.
OK baby is no big deal is my massage therapist. OK?
That's a reasonable explanation... right?
J.P...
No more mozzarella mama...
Since I moved to L.A. I haven't really had a substantial boyfriend.
I seem to gravitate towards casual relationships of convenience.
Sometimes though I do wish for something more meaningful.
In Los Angeles most people feel like they've never actually arrived.
There's always this chase for something bigger and better.
Consequently no one puts down roots.
No one settles down.
It's like living in this state of perpetual vagrancy.
I want some roots...
at least I think I do.
Oh my God did you...
did you hear?
Maybe.
2012, there is this huge planet that is going to crash into earth
and kill... everyone!
You mean like the movie?
No, I don't mean like the movie.
This is real Dale!
The movie is based on the facts.
The planet... is called Nadie!
I don't know how he got his name and why it isn't six or eight, but
Seven is my colleague... roommate... and closest confidant.
And I don't think I'm outing him by saying
Seven won't be taking any girls home.
It's all over the internet I'm obsessed with it.
I can't stop reading.
It's kind of scary don't you think? I mean the end of the world Dale.
I don't know if I can sleep tonight?
Bowie... you wanna snuggle with me?
Come here.
I'm taking your dog. Hey...
And you just left?
Yup.
So it's over?
I don't know.
She says that every time and then she goes back to him.
Well maybe I'm just being paranoid?
It was time for the bi-monthly... breakup post modern.
Who said what... did I handle it well etc.
Can I ask you something J.P?
What baby?
Come back to bed.
How many girls are you sleeping with?
Baby why you so drama?
So what?
So drama.
I mean why would he hang out with me for six months,
and text and call... everyday?
Last night I was trying to make this really good point.
We just had sex J.P.
It's good.
I just had your penis inside of me.
But that sounded... a lot better in my head.
Sorry.
Last week bird crap this week balls in her face.
It's typical.
Is it true he has a monster schlong?
I don't know where she gets her information.
But that's absolutely true.
Ok I don't understand the deal about big dicks
I mean they just hurt.
I mean not that I've ever really experienced one.
Becca and Hallie are my two best girlfriends.
They're always game to listen to my problems and dispense useful commentary.
Toe suckers freak me out.
I heard that he photographed Charlize is that true?
I mean I love her she's like one of my favorite.
Top five for sure.
Maybe I'm just being jealous?
Ok how do you spell his last name?
Becca what are...
tell me you're not looking him up on the internet?
I personally think your dog is your biggest issue in your dating life.
What?
Question, where does Bowie sleep?
He sleeps in my bed.
Ok but if a guy... sleeps over where does Bowie go?
I guess he just stays in my bed.
Wait what about fleas?
More importantly what about sniffing?
Don't dogs sniff?
Bowie stop it.
Bowie...
Ok, Ok you have a point.
Dating in general... is difficult enough Dale.
What?
Oh no...
Becca what?
Ok you know that German supermodel?
Natasha Franks.
Yeah J.P. shoots her all the time. What about her?
Ok I just read this it was on CMZ.
So "Natasha Franks, German supermodel.
Recently has confirmed reports that she is Three months pregnant.
Sources confirm that celebrity...
fashion photographer J.P. Gio.
Whatever his name is... is the father.
J.P. is well known as a Los Angeles savant
and has been linked to several Hollywood socialites.
Stay tuned... as the story develops."
I'm done.
I'm sorry.
I'm done dating men in this city.
So tired of being the nice girl that always get burnt.
Wait, wait... I mean this guy's a jerk.
No I...
Hey, Dale.
Hey.
Hi.
Zach.
You look, you look fantastic.
Thanks I cut my bangs.
It suits you very much.
I knew Zach before he was a rock star.
He was the lead singer of this cool garage band.
Now he's got four Grammys,
and he's a shoe in for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
But to me...
he'll all ways be good old Zach.
Long time no see.
This is my friend Hallie.
And Becca... I think you've met Becca before.
Yes, I've met Becca before.
It's good to see you. Hi nice to meet you.
You too.
How are you?
I'm sorry I was actually just about to take off.
Well, that's too bad, well listen my tour got pushed back a month or so...
so I'm going to be around.
And hey listen tomorrow night my band
and I are doing a little set at the Hotel Cafe if you guys...
want to come by that would be great. Yeah, sure.
I love your music.
Thank you.
Ok maybe, maybe we will.
Well, just email me the address and...
Yeah.
I think the Pap's have found you, and...
your girlfriend's kind of looking a little lonely.
No pictures.
That's actually not my girlfriend it's just a girl who's my friend.
Right.
Hey, Cece this is my friend Dale.
- Hi. - Hey, nice to meet you.
I'm just going to get my stuff.
Ok, we will...
Don't forget to email me.
Don't forget to come.
So you guys all went to Catholic boarding school together?
OK I can't imagine that.
We've known each other since we were fifteen.
And I'm actually the oldest.
It's pretty safe to say that Jill's obsession with aging
and getting married in due time started back in Catholic school
and specifically our first communion.
We got to walk down the isle like mini brides to be.
Comparing prettiest dresses... and fanciest bows.
This is where Jill got programmed to plan for the next time...
she would walk down the aisle... dressed in white.
You are getting married.
A little toy here or there never hurt anyone.
Plus it comes with a carrying case.
That is such an inappropriate gift.
What you're saying you don't masturbate?
No personally I don't masturbate.
I find it to be a little bit... un-holy.
Wouldn't you agree?
Jillian thank you I love this!
Dale have you talked to J.P?
No.
I mean he called twice but...
Hey, I heard you saw Zach.
Oh yeah.
I saw his video on TV the other day he looks so good.
Did you guys make plans to hang out?
No we just caught up for a second.
He was with a girlfriend.
Ok... what is up?
What?
You look like either have to pee or you're about to explode with gossip.
- Do I? - Which is it?
Ok, I already told Becca but since you asked... girls...
Jill you can just tell me later.
Stacy I'm so sorry...
I don't mean to spoil your special little moment.
But I have a huge announcement to make...
I'm getting married!
Isn't it gorgeous?
Do you love it?
It was the most amazing night you guys.
I don't want to just be your girlfriend anymore!
It's not that I don't... love you... It's not fair, I can' take this limbo!
I know... You either marry me or you leave me!
It was the most romantic night of my life.
What can I say, he's the best.
You've got to be kidding me!
Drew, I'm sorry but he was hitting on me less than two months ago.
Ok... he wasn't hitting on you, Hallie.
He was flirting with you.
Guys are allowed to flirt, it's a human condition.
It's natural.
You think everyone is flirting with you.
I don't know I just think it's weird if a guy is ultra flirtatious...
and in a committed relationship.
And not to mention that he's in the business.
Men in the entertainment industry are instinctively douche bags.
No? No I like Drew.
I don't think he's a douche bag.
Well... Who came up with the term douche bag anyway?
It's kind of disgusting.
Jill wants to get married just to get married because she thinks it's time.
Hallie you couldn't even possibly relate to Jill.
And why is that?
Because you're rich.
I mean... seriously.
Everything is handed to you and you can buy whatever you want
so just buy a boyfriend.
What?
Are you acting right now because this is hilarious.
I just want a rich boyfriend to take care of me.
Did she really just say that?
Did Jill tell you guys...
That she didn't get picked up for another season of "Babes and Barflies"?
Her agent told her it's because she's too old and too fat.
That's not funny.
Seriously! I was at a call back like two days ago
and the producer told my agent that my butt looked big in a bikini.
There are specific trigger words
that cause me to temporarily tune out of a conversation.
And Becca just... just triggered three of them.
Producer...
Call back...
Agent...
It makes me space out for like 30 seconds.
And its OK as long as I return back in time
to assure Becca her but is perfect.
That is crazy Becca... you're perfect.
Don't listen to that.
Exactly. Douche bags.
As bad as they sound it's not like my friends...
or the people of Los Angeles are
any more narcissistic than the rest of the world.
It's just that... no one cares to hide it at all.
Do you know how many married men hit on me in a week?
No tell us.
I don't really know the exact number but it's figgin high.
At least this is what I tell myself.
Come on guys let's go.
All I know for certain is that dating in this city sucks and I'm dying.
Thank you.
I'm serious, I'm done.
You guys don't hate me but I might pass on going out tonight.
What? No, no you are going.
You just got out of a crappy relationship and you are single.
Plus you our designated driver.
Thanks a lot for the guilt.
Going out in L.A. isn't quite like it is in any other city.
Because of the whole who's who factor...
that this place evolves around.
So unless you're an A List B List or C List celebrity...
work in the A List... arena,
or you're a friend of the club Jonathan slash door Nazi then...
yeah it's pretty much impossible to get in.
Bottom line there are three major questions in Hollywood.
Who are you? What do you do?
And who are your friends?
If you are not on the list leave.
Honey not in my club.
Natural hair colors only.
Anthony!
Hi. Of course come on in.
Great, Jonathan's working the door.
Sorry, ladies, we're full.
Seven really?
You want in my club?
I texted you three times last three three times!
Is your phone broken? Or your thumbs?
Ok look, we're on the list.
Here you see that?
Let them in.
You tot's owe me Seven.
Nice natural looking good.
Brett Michaels is waiting down over there and you darling
Sunset Strip is that way.
Dude. This chick has the biggest tits you've ever seen.
Hey, Jamie did her and said she was wild in bed.
Jamie, bro you don't want his sloppy second are you kidding me?
They call him herp for a reason.
Hey, check out the old dude and the cougar.
Sweetheart I'm sorry there's been some kind of misunderstanding there you go.
Tom how many times do I have to tell you
I only date girls 25 and younger.
I'm sorry...
Oh my God is that David Spade over there?
He's hot.
God this town is so disgusting.
Oh my God, check this guy out.
That's the producer I met the other night.
He is so hot and well connected...
Out or my way...
Don't look over there.
You've got to be kidding me.
I'm going to go to the bathroom.
I'm just...
Skank!
Dale, Baby. What you do here?
Let me guess... Baby's mama?
Did you just call me a baby?
Baby she didn't just call me a baby now did she?
What?
Don't screw with me slut!
Excuse me?
You don't know her do you J.P?
Yeah baby. This is Dale.
Not anymore you don't.
Bye bye.
This is my first bitch slap but seeing the look on her Botoxed face.
You deserve him!
Totally makes it worth it,
I like!
And he's going to put me in his next movie.
But isn't he kind of old?
Aren't you going to have to you know...
Do him? Probably.
Oh God!
If I have to stand here and listen to this bimbo yap
about the blowjob she'll have to give to get a movie part.
I'll pee in my pants.
Excuse me...
We're in line.
Actually you're at the mirror,
which doesn't really constitute the line.
Well just go... fine.
And "ik" on you!
I'll give you my number and then you know maybe we can hang out sometime?
You gonna give me your number?
Yeah. Sure.
I'm down.
Totally cool.
We can just bypass the whole little coffee thing.
Yeah right. Kind of awkward, yeah... I know.
Wash?
Hola!
Wash?
No I didn't pee on my hands.
Yo mama.
Hey did you see Zach?
He's over there in the corner booth.
No, I didn't see him.
Did you see J.P?
Yep. I saw him.
He looks really hot tonight.
Did you talk to him?
Did you just say he looks hot?
Sorry it was really tacky. Wasn't it?
So what's the deal with you and Zach?
Have you guys ever hooked up before?
- Zach? - Yep.
No, not really.
Seriously?
Yeah seriously, why are you asking?
I just can't believe you've never hooked up with him before.
No I mean we've hung out a lot but... nope.
Well if you were telling me
you were just going to leave him to the uneducated models in L.A.,
then I am going to have to jump his bones.
For both of us.
So are you an actress?
No no not really.
I though I was for a minute but.
Turns out it's not for me.
Way too much self-analyzing.
So what do you do now?
I design jewelry.
These are mine.
- They're very nice. - Thanks.
Did you hear?
Hear what?
Zaps magazine just named you number one in their Hottest Man Alive issue.
Yes! Can I...
Come on are you kidding?
I mean come on Cece, it's Zaps magazine.
- Yeah. - It's not exactly...
Wait you're leaving?
Yeah where's Becca?
She's with the producer.
Make sure she gets home OK.
Ok! Bye...
Hang on excuse me for one second.
Hey, Dale...
Hey Dale.
Hey... hey Dale.
Look it's Zach!
Come on let's go inside for a minute.
It's crazy.
Yeah it's... it doesn't make any sense to me sometimes.
Listen I didn't get a chance to talk to you
I wanted to see if you wanted to go to dinner next week?
I can't.
I didn't even give you a day.
Well I know I'm sorry I'm just...
I'm slammed right now.
Working this retarded dating reality show.
OK.
Well I mean look if you're not too busy
then maybe you can make it by my show at the label next week.
We can hang out after that?
- Yeah... - Yeah...
You didn't exactly make that show you promised you'd come to the other night.
I'm sorry.
- It's Ok. - I totally forgot.
Hey you know what next week though for sure.
Ok good, because you had me a little bit worried there.
You know? It's not like you to just drop off the grid like that.
You're my L.A. comfort food. You know?
I need to see you every so often.
L.A. comfort food... I like that.
I'm sorry it's just been one of those months.
You know that photographer J.P. and I...
Right.
We were sort of dating on and off
then I found out that he got this super model pregnant.
I didn't even want to come out tonight and I ran into them.
And I just, I don't know I just can't hit the Hollywood scene anymore.
It's just... not for me.
I didn't even know you were dating anyone.
I thought you were... I thought you were single.
Well slightly single.
I mean it was never anything fully committed.
Well breakups are always pretty tough.
I just don't get this town?
Everyone is always on the search for the bigger, better deal.
It's just...
Yeah, but you know it's all about hype right?
I mean at the end of the day that's all it is, is hype.
Well yeah but it's different when you're famous.
You're part of the something better that people are searching for.
I am the exact same person that I've always been.
I'm not in this business for the hype.
Hey Zach!
Come here.
Am I going to be on the cover of a tabloid as your newest squeeze?
I think I can handle that.
I'm so sorry.
It's Ok I like a good head butt... that was...
I was, meant to kiss your cheek and...
I am such and idiot.
He was clearly going for the lips.
OK well have a good night.
- Thanks bye. - Bye.
Seven and I work at a production company.
That cranks crappy reality shows.
Our job is to find and cast.
The quote, unquote talent.
Such as it is.
So just be natural and forget that the camera's even here.
Well I'm very comfortable in front of a camera.
So why don't you tell me how you and Burt met?
I'm sure that's a great story.
We met on the internet.
Now take these two.
There here for a spot on the upcoming show "Geezer Town."
Some people will say or do just about anything to be on TV.
A blue pill a day makes your lady want to stay.
Oh yeah!
Hey Dale!
Seven.
There's a call for you on line two.
Really?
I will be back in just a second.
This is Dale Squire.
It's Becca.
Can you come pick me up please? Yeah, what's wrong?
I'm on Doheny and Sunset, make a left.
Ok, I'll be there in two seconds.
You don't want to leave this in there.
That was Becca, she was crying.
I don't know I've got to go pick her up.
I'll be back in twenty minutes.
Can you cover for me?
With the phone sexing cyber spacing eighty year old couple?
Yes. Please, they're kind of scaring me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah go.
Thank you.
Three, two, one...
Keys.
Thank you.
Hey.
What happened?
Becca what happened?
What's wrong? What happened?
You have got to be kidding me.
I just don't understand.
I mean you got a boot six months ago
how can someone get a boot on their car twice in less than a year?
Every Monday I have to get up and move my car before 9AM.
9 A.M...
And...
Sometimes I forget Ok?
On days like this it's really helpful to remember that Becca donates blood...
rescues puppies and volunteers at the local soup kitchen.
How much?
Nine hundred and eighty dollars.
Nine hundred and eighty dollars?
Yes.
It's Ok, you know what we'll get the money.
Love is alive, you act like a newborn child.
Love is war.
Broken and running wild.
Love is a thief and stealing your heart tonight.
And you give it to me, giving me all of you.
Your all I see...
You're all I want it to be.
I love you.
He is good.
I know, right?
He looks so different.
I don't think he's as clean as he used to be.
Clean?
He's got that whole grungy working for him.
You can say that again.
Hey Jill where's Drew tonight?
He had a movie screening and then he's going out with the guys.
Is he excited about the whole engagement?
Yes he's so excited.
And I decided that I don't want a long engagement
so we set a date, September.
That's great.
Don't you think that's a little quick?
No Hallie, I don't.
I'm pushing 30, Ok.
You just tell me how it feels when you get here.
I'm 25 Jill it's not like you're 108.
Count me out on this one.
My agent told me never to divulge my real age.
So I can't partake in the conversation either.
And you both smell like desperate whores.
Thank you all for coming thank you very much.
Hey.
You made it?
That was incredible. That was amazing.
You think?
Yeah. You know everyone right?
Yeah definitely lovely ladies of L.A. of course and Seven how are you?
Much better now that you're here how are you?
Good.
Hey...
How are you doing?
I'm gonna go to the bar.
Anybody want a drink? You guys want to join?
I'll stay.
So can you get me another Jack and Coke?
Yeah sure. Ok.
Hey...
Hey where did Dale go?
She went to the bar.
- Well Cece this is Hallie. - Hey.
I didn't get a chance to introduce you guys the other night.
No you never did, nice to meet you. Same.
This is my girlfriend Dominique.
So when are you practicing tomorrow, I want to hear the new song.
Cece works in A&R for our tour manager.
So everything's got the thumbs up from her.
I'm easy.
I mean not that kind of easy you know.
But with a voice like his you can't do much wrong.
She's cute, I say go for it.
You're trouble you know that Cece.
What afraid you're going to fall in love?
OK you have got to stop it with the winks.
She winks?
All the time.
Becca is a winker.
Becca's a wanker?
No not a wanker, a winker. She winks.
I only do it to guys I think are cute Ok?
It's for this movie I'm doing it's a character role.
So what are you guys doing afterwards?
Home.
I've got to work early in the morning.
Lame excuse.
Excuse me can we get six tequila shots please?
- Top shelf? - Yeah.
No, no that is trouble.
I puke.
I'll clean it up.
Count yourself lucky you even got he out.
She's always in bed by 10 P.M.
Just this one night.
I would but I really should go.
Me either.
I have an interview with a wedding planner in the morning.
I have an audition at nine.
I have casting.
I'm free.
I'll stay.
Ok well I'll let you of the hook this one time OK.
Bu next time you're staying, all of you.
- Bye. - Have a good night.
Come on you guys.
I don't mean to be rude but Can I get an autograph?
Oh yeah, sure.
Thanks.
I'm a big fan.
Thank you.
That is... a lot of tequila.
I'm just letting you know now that tequila and I are a wild mix.
Things might get silly.
All right but only if you do a wrap around.
Go like this,
I'm not going to let you put your penis in my ass either.
It's an out hole, not an in hole.
Why are you being such a prude?
I'm not being a prude.
I'm just not a porn star OK!
You wanna announce our lake of sex in front of everybody?
I've just got the wedding on my mind. What a surprise.
You haven't had any input BTW.
BTW, Jesus.
It's because I work and I don't sit at home eating chips and dip
and obsess over the wedding.
What?
It is disgusting what you are doing.
You're a pig.
I'm a pig?
Hi.
Are you guys Ok?
Yeah we're good we're just here working on our calves.
- Hey Drew. - Hey hi...
Who was that? I know... that's a...
That's a client Jill!
Got back off!
Yeah right that's what it is!
Every single...
Jill called her engagement a match made in heaven.
Watching them squabble about wedding cakes
and the medicinal benefits of anal sex
I couldn't help but think that Heaven has a strange sense of humor.
I'll call you later OK.
- Ok. - Ok.
Come on Bowie.
Bowie? Terrible name.
Listen I want to try it...
Its just one little...
We can't even go hiking... Just one time.
No!
You know that camera looks very good on you.
You think?
So what are you going to do with these pictures?
I don't know.
Maybe sell them on the internet.
Make some money off your ass.
Album cover my man.
I'm telling you.
Want some?
No, no thanks, I'm cool.
You smoke too much Jivers way too much.
What?
It's all natural Organic.
No chemicals.
Is this new?
It is.
It's about a girl.
Who's it about? That blonde?
Blonde?
No. No blondes.
There ain't no words that I can say,
cause words would just get in the way.
But it is written in the wind,
This is where it all begins,
I've been dreaming you right.
I've been holding every night.
Now you're wanting me to stay.
Keeps getting better everyday.
Everyday.
I'm so happy I could cry
I think about it all the time.
I'm so happy I could cry
I just can't get you off my mind
I found the reason for living
I found the reason for love.
I found the reason for living.
Later.
So how is Jill's wedding coming along?
It's pretty good.
There's a bit of drama though.
Drama in a wedding, that's shocking.
Yeah well Jill wants this chapel filled with eight thousand
red roses and some like...
Eighty thousand dollar wedding dinner
and seven thousand dollar wedding dress.
And her dad won't cover the entire tab.
I'm very glad that I'm not Drew right now.
Or her dad.
Yeah but that's just Jill, you know?
Only love her for it she's extravagant.
You know I've known her since I was eleven.
We went to boarding school together.
You went to boarding school when you were eleven.
Did you miss your parents a lot?
Yeah... it's complicated.
When did you get home to see them?
Well on the holidays, or you know the occasional odd long weekend.
I liked boarding school.
It was what I needed.
How do you mean?
Well my parents died when I was a kid.
I told you that right?
No I'm very sorry I didn't know that.
How did they die together?
No they actually died separately.
My dad when I was 5. My mom when I was 11.
No, no, no it's not sad.
It was a really long time ago.
I just don't talk about it much because...
What about your parents?
They're... still together right?
Still together yeah, after 30 years.
And totally in love with each other.
- It's amazing. - You serious?
You can get that.
No, it's OK.
But you can get that.
Sorry.
It's Hallie.
Just 2 seconds.
Hey!
Yeah, I'm still here.
Sure, that's fine.
Wait, you didn't really just do what I think you just did, did you?
Because I kind of had plans to just spend the night with you.
She's outside.
How did she get my address?
I don't know, not from me.
Hello...
Door's open.
Hi.
Dale said she was coming by to shoot the band
so I thought I'd surprise you.
- Hey. - Hey.
We actually finished a couple of hours ago but...
Really?
Why don't you sit back down. You're not...
Yeah you know I'm sorry I'm lame but I have to work in the morning so...
You should see the show she's casting it is so funny.
Look you could stay, have another beer.
I'm sure we'll do it some other time.
I'll see you guys later.
Just one second.
All right Mr. Zachary,
I'll text you tomorrow.
Why are you leaving?
Because I have to work tomorrow.
And you're just going to leave me with your friend in there?
Hey Zach, where's your corkscrew?
Ok... Ok...
She just showed up hours later unannounced.
I guess something did happen between them the other night.
What did Zach say?
Well I mean he said he wanted me to stay
and you know but I think I was just playing dumb.
I don't get you Dale, I really don't.
Why?
Why don't you just go for him?
Because Seven I'm done having meaningless relationships
with these loser L.A. guys and on and on and on...
Is a loser L.A. guy?
No, he's not, but anyhow, I'm not his type,
especially now that Hallie's all over him.
You are so wrong.
It doesn't matter because hey I'm going to go out on a date with Haden.
But just as friends.
You're going out with Haden?
The fake seeking personal trainer whose
only using you to get ahead in this desperate city.
Shit Seven, that's harsh.
He just wants to schmooze you
so you'll listen to his stupid reality show concept.
He's only interested in seeing what you can do for him
and his career because you have a career.
The only reason Hallie is into Zach
is because you gave her the Ok to pursue
I never said pursue.
She asked me if we had ever hooked up and I said no...
Look I never said this to you before
but you are going to regret this... trust me.
I mean you're afraid of a real relationship Dale.
Why does everyone keep saying that?
I am not scared of relationships.
But you're scared of something.
Let's just forget about it.
Ok...
Sorry.
No it's Ok I just wasn't expecting that.
Was it weird seeing Dale?
Yeah, yeah it was weird.
I felt like I sensed something between you guys.
Yeah, yeah I think maybe you did.
Dale and I are really tight.
You know and as I told you before Hallie
I'm just not that interested in a relationship right now
and I wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong impression
about what's going on here.
She's the one that told me to pursue you just so you know.
She told you that?
Yeah, you sound surprised.
She said you guys were just friends
that you've never hooked up and that she isn't your type.
Not my type.
So are we cool?
Yeah, yeah we're cool but I just...
I don't think this is a very good idea right now OK?
This isn't a good idea?
OK I'm just... Not that into this right now.
You're not into this? No.
Are you into this?
Hey!
Hey, Hayden.
Hey, you understand that?
Hey, Hayden?
It's...
It's really, really nice to you.
So this is a great restaurant.
It's got lots of health conscious options.
Great.
Cause you know... I take care of myself.
As you can see.
I did notice your pecs just now.
Hey!
Are you flexing?
Gwyneth Paltrow eats here.
Really.
We need options for something low carb low fat, low sodium, high protein.
Which is better, the bacon cheeseburger or the other?
Is it wild caught or farm raised?
Do you have chicken fingers?
Organic, vegan, non soy, gluten free...
Do you recommend the mac and cheese?
Can you steam that instead of grilling I don't want any crudamites in my food.
I'll have the crab cakes with butter sauce. Extra butter.
Are these Swedish meatballs kosher?
You're right, but people really are vain here.
I mean, I'm not.
I'm self aware which is like radically different.
And it's self conscious.
Conscious of self.
Right. I mean, yeah, yeah. I'm self conscious.
Which is a good thing, I think.
What do you think?
Well, I mean, I think it's really good.
I'm all about my work.
And my body is my work.
So... one might say that...
Yeah, I'm all about my body.
But in some respects, that is true, but you're completely missing the point.
And the point is...
I completely missed my point.
Ok, rewind, reset. Look.
I've... got a great vibe between you and me.
Great energy there.
So, yeah. Ok.
I get it.
So let's lay the facts down.
You want to be with me, and vice versa. That much is clear.
But my work always comes first.
I need to lay that... down right off the bat.
Basically, my body comes before you.
He seems perfect.
Good looking, somewhat single minded,
somewhat vain... and not too bright.
No promise of a great romance.
No chance of falling... too hard for this guy.
No risk of getting hurt.
But is this right for me?
I'm kind of sensing a pattern here.
You've got this great, beautiful chest on you with great definition.
You probably bench press quite a bit.
Is Seven right about me?
I hate for Seven to be right
because he's always right about that kind of stuff.
I mean, seriously I don't think that's jerky...
I need a sign.
Is this right for me?
I got this great idea. I know you're gonna love it.
Fitness fanatics.
It's my reality TV show.
Check please.
Separate checks?
Yeah.
Hi.
Ready, Freddy?
We're walking, right?
You don't want to drive?
You guys, it's two blocks.
They have valet parking, you know.
So where's Hallie this morning?
I don't know.
I saw her on Tuesday, and I haven't seen her for the rest of the week.
You know that she changed her... status to it's complicated?
What does that mean?
It's... complicated?
With who?
Oh, my gosh, you guys.
The yoga instructor just smiled at me.
He has the cutest... dimples.
Ok... he's telling us to shut up.
His smile is just his state of zen.
Oh, God.
Namaste.
Do you guys really do this all the time?
Yeah.
I have to. I'm older than you.
I get fatter quicker.
Sorry I'm late. I just got your message.
You're late.
Hey.
Hi.
What's going on? You guys look so serious.
I was just telling Dale about my wedding.
Drew still hasn't picked a tux yet.
Or groomsmen for that matter.
Well, you know we're guys.
We take a little bit longer with that stuff.
Yeah.
Well, I gotta go.
I have a hair appointment at 2:00
and then a couple jewelry design appointments.
That's so fetch. Congrats, girl.
Thanks, girl.
So I'll call you later.
Hey, do you mind... driving me home?
No yoga?
No. We missed it.
Yeah. I guess.
Ok, when did that start and did you know?
Well, I mean, I kind of guessed, but...
Does she know about... you two?
What's there to know?
Hallie should know better. Seriously.
Anybody that knows you would know that you are so hot for him.
Becca, I'm not so hot for him.
No. He's your friend.
And it is so typical of Hallie.
She's a fame whore.
No, she's not. It's...
Damn it. She is a fame whore.
No, she's not. Oh, God!
Hallie, it's just frustrating. It's so much right now.
She doesn't deserve that.
Hallie was there for me when I had that swine flu.
Every time I've broken up with a quasi boyfriend.
And I don't know what I would've done
about that stalker if it wasn't for Hallie.
I need something to take my mind... off all this.
Dale, I don't know what I would do without you.
Come on. That's what friends are for.
Honey. Do you like that setting?
Yeah, no, I do. It's nice.
You didn't even look.
No. I did. I'm looking.
Yeah. I love it. It's...
What do you think, Dale?
- That's beautiful. - Yeah?
Ok, I gotta go. I've gotta go. Wait, what?
I've gotta go. I've gotta go.
I'm 20 minutes late for a meeting.
Look, that's... great.
That one's my favorite.
I love you!
I love you... so much. I love you.
Shit! He makes me so mad.
We're planning the registry for the most important day of our life
and he just leaves.
Maybe he's just feeling a bit of...
A bit of what, anxiety?
Can't believe you're defending him.
What? No, no, no, no.
I'm not defending him.
You just don't understand.
You can't possibly comprehend what it feels like inside of me right now
because you've never been here.
That's, that's true.
I used to think about what it'd be like to live your life, Dale.
Just walk in your shoes.
Nobody expects anything from you.
They don't.
No one expects anything from me?
'Cause you don't have parents expecting babies...
and marriages and perfect husbands.
It's really hard.
That's true, but it doesn't mean I want to end up alone.
Tell me something, Dale.
Am I expecting too much?
Is wanting my fiancée to be excited about our wedding,
is that too much?
I don't know, Jill.
Back at St. Mary's, for our first communion...
the biggest deal was finding out who you were gonna get paired up with.
I dreamed of walking down the aisle with Billy Dobson hand in hand.
But, no such luck.
He was paired with Jill,
and I ended up with what's his face who picked his nose all the time.
I wonder if I'll ever get to walk down the aisle with a Billy Dobson of my own.
Is this your parents?
Yeah. That's them.
And is this you with your mother?
Yeah.
Here. Look at this one.
That's great. Great.
With the smoke around Jiver's face.
Yeah.
So how's Hallie?
Looks like... you guys are an item now?
No. No, not an item.
Definitely not.
She's a very nice girl,
but, she doesn't take no for an answer, does she?
Well, you're a big boy.
I'm sure you can handle... her.
Hey, I wanted to ask you... Did you tell her to pursue me?
Hello there Miss homebody.
Why aren't you dressed yet?
For what?
Did you forget my big screen debut deal?
We're going to my L.A. Red carpet premiere. Hello.
What do you think, Johnson?
I think she's dead.
No excuses.
Seven was supposed to tell you.
Yeah. Well, he didn't.
Oh, my god, I did actually.
It's just that you had your head buried in those photos and you didn't notice.
Well, can I wear this?
It's... L.A. You can wear whatever you want.
Ok, I'll just grab my purse.
I'll get your heels.
Well, hello to you, too.
Thought you said you had... a meeting to go to.
What?
You said you had... a meeting, remember
when I texted you... earlier?
Oh, yeah. I did, but I'm done now.
Great.
Hallie, what's up? What's going on?
I think I should be asking you that question.
Excuse me?
What is going on, Dale?
Nothing. Look, I'm just...
I'm, did I miss something here?
Wait. Do you like him now? Is that it?
Look, I'm just gonna leave. All right?
Of course you are.
Zach, you're a piece of crap you know that?
You're just another famous asshole guy
who thinks he can screw around with any girl he wants
and then not call them. Well... fuck you!
We're not... even dating, Hallie.
I've told you that 10... times.
Ok, look, look.
I'm just gonna leave, all right, Dale?
As long as I'm here this is not gonna end well.
Just leave, ok?
I bet you wanted that to happen didn't you?
I'm seriously not following you, Hallie.
You really need to calm down.
You put on this little "whoa" is me act.
But I'm not buying it.
Just because you throw yourself at every guy
that's famous who you think can get you somewhere,
and who you think wants you... and then shoots you down,
you know what, don't take that out on me, ok?
You play the victim thing really well.
But it's a load of crap.
Shut up.
You're not my... friend, Dale.
You're just like every other two-faced girl in L.A.
You just play it better.
Come on, you guys. This is retarded.
What, you're just gonna take her side?
I'm not taking anybody's side, ok?
Come on, Hallie, let's go. Don't touch me.
Did that really just happen?
This week on Dirty Roomies...
Would you clean this up. I can't live like this.
I made the mess. I don't know why I have to clean it up.
You guys have sex.
We have to do a paper edit on these and get them to run it.
The producers want to see it by Friday.
I think... cleaning's overrated.
There's still hot food down there to eat.
There's something really truthful about this waiting...
and doing the whole job at once.
We're gonna use up all the dishes, and then it's time to clean.
So you want to talk about it?
Not really.
Hallie call?
No.
Call her?
And say what? I haven't done anything.
I do. I'm not a housewife.
And I found fleas in the bedroom.
You mean my pets?
I think fleas are people, too.
And... they should be treated as such.
Those are my pets.
And you're going to kill them?
Are you a murderess?
Seven, what do you think I should do?
Be honest.
Well, I've been honest.
Not with Hallie. With yourself.
Sorry, babe. I cannot give you any more advice on this one.
Just take mine!
And you put on... your...
You know, if Vanessa has a problem with it
she should clean that... up.
Hey, it's Dale.
Listen, Hallie, why don't you just call me back, please.
Since I have a private number, Hallie won't pick up.
Neither will any of our friends in case it's you know someone annoying.
They will... call you back.
But since we all have private numbers,
it's nearly impossible for us to communicate by phone.
Fortunately, I pick up my phone.
Otherwise, this game of trading voice mails would never end.
Hello.
Hey, it's Hallie.
Hey.
Jerk off!
This guy is on his cell phone and can't drive.
Sorry.
Hey... are you ok?
Yeah. I'm ok.
How are you?
Hey, you want to meet up for dinner tonight and maybe just...
clear the air about everything?
Yeah. I think we should.
How does 8 P.M. at Cascade sound?
All right. Sounds good.
Great. I'll meet you there.
You didn't think I'd forget... did you?
They're beautiful.
Thank you.
So what are the big plans for tonight?
Well, that was Hallie.
She wants to get together and so we can talk about everything.
I think she forgot it was my birthday though.
I mean which is understandable under the circumstances.
What about the other girls?
I guess it slipped their mind.
Jill's all wrapped up in her wedding.
And you know, Becca just got that huge movie, so...
it's ok.
Happy birthday, Dale.
Hi. I have a reservation under Squire or Hallie.
Thanks.
Surprise!
You didn't think we were gonna forget did you?
I kind of did.
Happy birthday!
All right, guys. Let's dance!
Make a wish, but don't tell anyone or it won't come true.
Ok.
What could I possibly wish for?
Ok.
Happy birthday.
Thanks, you guys.
You're drunk, Jill.
You never cared before when I was drunk.
And it's Dale's birthday for Christ's sakes.
All right, you have got to lower your voice now.
Because now you're making a scene.
You bet your last, Drew.
Because it's nothing they've never heard before.
You are so... self centered, Drew.
There's bigger things happening in the world...
than your stupid actor clients,
and the Nielsen ratings on the TV.
You're now officially embarrassing everybody here. Ok?
Don't you... dare "F" ing tell me that I'm embarrassing you, ok?
Because... my friends think you're a douchebag.
A... nasty ass... sleazebag agent.
Drew, we don't think you're a douchebag.
Jill, come on. That's ok. Thanks.
Where you gonna go?
Are you gonna go home and masturbate?
To one of your anime porns?
Cartoons.
He made me watch animated porn.
Yeah. I'm gonna go home and masturbate!
Disgusting.
Because it's better than anything you're giving me at home.
No, 'cause you love to masturbate.
'Cause for you, it's like having sex with something that you love!
Yourself!
Did she just make that up?
Annie Hall. '77.
I'm going home!
Are you gonna go screw one of your actresses?
One of your stupid, slutty... sleep your way to the top actresses.
I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Somebody can take her home.
'Cause now she's drunk and you're pissed off.
That's like the worst combination for you.
I know.
Just...
I'm stuck.
I'm sorry, Dale.
Jill... You don't have to be sorry.
You just got a little wasted that's... all.
I drank too much.
I'm never drinking again.
I've heard that one before.
I don't think he wants to marry me you guys.
And I'm getting married in three weeks.
Dale.
Don't worry about Drew right now. Just finish blowing chunks, ok?
Why don't you go make sure everything's ok out there.
I'll stay here with Jill.
Ok.
Listen, Hallie.
I'm really sorry.
Are we ok?
Yeah. We're OK.
I said a lot of things I didn't mean. I'm sorry.
Jill, I'm so sorry.
Ok.
Look... what the cat dragged in.
Seven told me about your little... surprise party.
It's your birthday so I wanted to come out.
I'm glad you did.
Wait. Where are the girls?
Oh, my god. I told everybody he jacks off.
To cartoons.
I am not drunk. But I definitely am stoned.
Which usually means he's really hungry.
Did you want to come eat?
No, we'll stay. I mean, I'll stay here.
I'll wait on the girls.
I'll stay with you.
Ok.
Bye.
Thanks, you guys. Thank you.
Going.
Quite a night!
Yeah. Some party.
Did you get your birthday dance?
I don't know. Come on. Come on.
Finally.
They're so cute.
I knew it.
Do you feel older?
Yes.
So when is your tour starting?
You know, we actually just had to push it another month.
Our tour manager totally screwed it up.
She got the dates wrong.
Actually, Cece, who I think you've met.
The blonde. Yeah, the blonde.
At the park, and at the show.
Right. You... you had a thing with her, right?
No. No, no.
She works with me.
She's my tour manager, and not into guys.
But what makes you think that I was into her?
The fact that I'm now officially an idiot.
His lesbian tour manager?
What's this?
It's a birthday present.
It'll bring you luck.
And I thought you could use a little bit.
Thank you.
It's beautiful.
You're welcome.
You're not mad at me, are you?
No.
No, it's actually just the opposite.
And that's the problem.
Good night.
Don't get too attached, Dale.
Come on, Jill.
We're gonna go have a sleepover at Dale's tonight.
Drew!
You ok?
She needs a couple glasses of water and some sleep.
- Let's go. - Yeah.
Come on, babe.
That's disgusting.
No.
This is definitely picture worthy.
Is that her puke bucket?
Look at... Becca's panties.
They're grannie panties.
Bowie.
He's gonna have the worst diarrhea in the morning.
It's so weird getting older, isn't it?
Everything just... changes so fast.
Yeah, but that's supposed to be the exciting part, isn't it?
Why haven't you ever dated Zach?
Because I never felt like I was... good enough for him.
But you like him a lot, right?
Yeah.
And you think he's handsome.
Yeah.
And he likes that dog of yours.
Yeah. He loves Bowie.
And he's one of your best friends.
Why don't you pursue him?
I always liked him.
I'm just not good at pursuing a guy.
Hallie, I'm sorry if I made you feel... jealous.
I mean, I never, never meant to.
I never even knew I did.
I guess I just feel the way you felt with J.P., you know?
Yeah. I understand that.
The next morning as soon as she woke up
Jill took a cab straight home to face the music.
Not knowing if that music... would be a wedding march.
Drew.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I love you.
I really do love you.
Me, too.
Smell my hair. Does it still smell like cigarettes?
No. It smells like Jill.
Ugh.
Look at this.
Party at our place, and it's only 9am.
Last night, she was wearing the ugliest pair of cotton granny panties
I've ever seen in my entire life.
Come on, Seven.
We all know that you have a pair of granny panties stashed somewhere.
Please.
Shut up. They were my period panties.
Hello.
Sorry to just barge in like that.
But the door was open.
Hey.
Look, I'm recruiting people for a ride up the coast.
Who's in?
- Can't. - Can't.
Dale?
Now don't even... begin to say no.
You're... coming with me. You need the fresh air.
So does... Bowie.
What do you think... Bowie?
All right. Twist our arm.
Thank you.
I think he wants to go inside.
Ok.
Go in, boy. Good, dog.
Thanks. I really needed that.
Yeah. So did I. Definitely.
Look, I can I just talk to you for a second, Dale?
Just about you and me and about us
and what's happening here.
What about us?
I don't know, I just...
I think I'm falling in love with you.
And I know that scares you, and I...
It's not gonna really...
I'm not going anywhere, Dale.
I'm not gonna die on you.
I'm not your mother, or your father.
You are so scared of anything that's real.
And I'm right here.
And I just want to know if you feel the same way.
You hooked up with one of my best friends, Zach.
I thought I understood what was going on here.
But I guess I was just I guess I was just totally wrong.
I can't believe you're saying that about me.
I can't believe you don't trust me.
I just want something real.
I've been chasing you for two years Dale.
Two years.
You know how that feels?
But I can't do it anymore.
Not if you don't feel the same way about me.
Goodbye, Dale.
I told Zach I want something real.
And here I go screwing up the best chance I'll ever have at something real.
What do you think I wished... for my birthday?
It... starts with Z and ends with Ack.
And it turns out... Zach didn't even sleep with Hallie.
And even if he had how could I blame him?
I practically... pushed him into Hallie's arms.
She was right.
Maybe I do play victim sometimes.
Everyone's been right about me.
You're afraid of a real relationship, Dale.
I've just had a blind eye to it.
I've scared of getting hurt.
Because he's too perfect.
I've kept Zach at arm's length.
You are so afraid of getting hurt that you end up picking guys
that have absolutely no substance.
Hey...
Am I gonna live the rest of my life... with guys like... this?
Just to... avoid someone... real?
No. Hell no!
I'm ready to change.
If I get... one more chance...
I won't screw it up... again.
If I just get one more... chance.
I'll be right there.
What are you doing here?
I wanted to come by and talk.
Look, I think we've done enough talking.
I'm really not interested in talking with you.
I just wanted to say that I understand that this isn't gonna work.
You and I, that is.
Ok.
Why did you hang out with me?
Because I don't want to be rude when you show up to my house unannounced.
Like, like right now.
And you're like a tiger.
And... you throw yourself at me,
and I don't have someone to blame right now...
but you're the best I can come up with on the fly.
Why aren't you with Dale?
You're not the typical Hollywood guy,
and she needs someone real like that.
Look, I really don't know what to say to that.
Dale made it pretty clear that she's not interested in me.
You guys just have something between you two.
I've seen guys come in and out of her life.
But I've never seen her be as comfortable and happy
as she is when she's with you.
Whatever she's going through please don't give up on her, Zach.
Just let her work it out.
I'm sorry if I hurt you. I never meant to do that.
You didn't. I hurt myself.
I just gotta open my eyes a little wider next time.
Can we maybe, hang out just like be friends and stuff?
Yeah, I don't see why not.
That'd be good.
Ok.
Good night.
Can we hang out right now maybe?
I don't think that would be a very good idea.
Maybe I can just come in.
Not good.
Right. Yeah.
No, no, no, no. You don't understand.
She wants yellow roses. Not red.
Ok, bye.
Hey.
Sounds like we got here just in time.
How can we help, maid of honor?
I am so late. Talk to Seven.
I'll be right back.
Hello.
3... 2, 1.
My keys. Thank you.
3... 2, 1.
And the picture.
Thanks.
I'm gonna follow her.
Make sure she makes it all the way to the elevator and out the front door.
Today's the big day!
Ok, so the funny thing about pantyhose is, there isn't a... tag.
How do you tell which way... is the front?
You really can't with these things.
Hi.
Is there a beautiful bride in here?
Look at you. Nice suit.
Shut up.
You're the one who looks beautiful. It's your day.
Gosh.
Becca, what the hell are you doing?
No. You're not wearing pantyhose. It's hot. Take them off.
No. Ridiculous.
I'm so sorry. Oh, my god. Where have you been?
We just wanted to make sure everything was set up, you know,
perfectly at the reception and the dinner, and it's great.
You look amazing.
You look like a princess.
What's wrong?
Don't cry.
It's just, I've dreamed about this day my whole life.
Since my first communion. Is that weird?
No, hon.
We've all been dreaming about our own weddings.
Now that I'm here this doesn't feel right.
Everything will work out as it... should.
The future kind of has a funny way of doing that.
You just have to wait and see how it all unfolds.
Deep breath.
Yeah. Take a deep breath.
Hey. Wait. Picture.
No. No pictures.
Ok.
You know you love it.
You like that? What about here?
Work it. Work it.
You better tag me in all these photos.
Ok, I like that.
Hey.
No, seriously. I can't find Drew.
I'm sure he's just finishing getting ready.
Seven, you ever think about marriage?
Do I ever think about marriage?
To who, you?
No. Never.
No.
Do you ever think about, you know, having a family. Kids?
Yeah, I mean I want to.
Do you ever think about marrying a guy?
Maybe.
If they ever make it legal.
Or if I ever move to Canada.
Right.
What about you, Dale?
Do you ever want to get married?
Excuse me, Dale?
Hi.
We're gonna close the front doors now.
Can we get a picture please?
Sure.
Princess... picture pants here she loves taking photos.
It's a wedding gift.
Especially of hot guys.
No, I'm just kidding.
I like it.
Are they ready?
I think so just give us two seconds.
I'll go get Drew.
- Do one shirtless. - Ok.
Hey, we ready?
No.
What do you mean no?
Well... we're waiting on Drew.
So typical.
Drew left no explanation with anyone.
I guess he felt he didn't need to since
he never actually asked Jill to marry him in the first place.
But as difficult and embarrassing as the day was for Jill, deep down,
I don't think she was surprised.
You can't push a guy into marriage like that and then expect a happy outcome.
Perhaps at one point Drew did love her.
He just forgot why.
What now?
Do you want to go get some pepperoni pizza?
Honey, I think she needs something a little bit stiffer than a pizza.
How about a double Jack on the rocks?
Excuse me, Jill, I...
I just want to let you know that my confessional is open all week long.
I'll be there if you need to speak about anything or talk,
get things off your mind.
And I don't mean to have to do this.
It's kind of required.
This is a crisis prevention helpline
if you need to talk to somebody about anything.
And this is a poison control.
Probably might need that. I don't know.
The good news is we have singles night on Tuesdays down in the basement.
We like to dance around. It's a lot of fun.
I married the church but I dance and look.
And if anyone has lifestyle changes they might want to reconsider,
they can just come to my office.
Thank you, Father.
You're welcome. Thank you.
That's not him.
He's gone.
Let's go see mommy and daddy.
Ok.
Look, Katie. It's a bride! It's a bride!
Come on!
I'm gonna be a bride one day, too.
This is what my dress is gonna look like.
Like it?
Yes. Very pretty.
Thanks.
Today's my first communion.
Hey, my veil is the same as yours.
You're right.
It is.
You're very pretty.
Thank you.
Are you the boy?
Yes.
You don't look as pretty as the bride.
Bye. Bye.
Story of my life.
Ok.
Come on.
Hey, are you waiting for them?
If you could give us a ride I'll make it worth your while.
Listen, Dale. I'm too tired to drive.
Will you drive my car home?
Seven...
Ok.
Boy schmoy.
Dale.
Catch.
Hey.
No more douchebag boyfriends semi relationships,
and keeping people at an emotional arms length.
I just wanted to say...
No, wait.
Sure, I'm putting myself at risk again.
But I'm finally ready to face an uncertain but promising future.