ANNOUNCER: This class contains mature content.
Viewer discretion is advised.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
We are responsible for our own pleasure.
I'm responsible for my orgasm.
You're responsible for your orgasm.
It's not about your partner giving you an orgasm.
It's about us understanding what we need and what feels good.
For me growing up, I thought that something was wrong
because I thought every vulva owner was going
to have an orgasm during PV sex, that penis goes in vagina
and then explosive orgasm happens.
Come to find out-- and this is something that you probably
don't know, either, because every day someone says to me,
"I had no idea"--
that only 20% of vulva owners orgasm during penetration.
You know, there's something called
the orgasm gap, which is real.
So in heterosexual relationships,
penis owners take about four to six minutes to orgasm,
let's just say, on average.
A vulva owner takes between 10 and 40 minutes.
That is a gap.
That is why-- that is why there's such an orgasm
disparity.
And there's been so many studies around this
as well that just shows time and time again,
penises are going to orgasm.
They just are.
It's going to happen.
In fact, heterosexual penis owners
orgasm the most during sex.
And amongst vulva owners, lesbians orgasm the most.
In general, vulva owners have less predictable orgasms
and need more varied sexual play and stimulation
to close the orgasm gap.
I believed that I was broken, that something was wrong
with me, because the only kind of sex I saw
were that everyone else like me was having
an orgasm every single time.
And I knew once I started masturbating,
oh, I can give myself an orgasm.
But I felt so much shame during intercourse
if I touched myself.
When I'm with men, they've said, you know,
they somehow feel inadequate.
They feel that if I have to touch myself,
then they're doing something wrong.
And I just want to be like, "No, it's
just that your penis is nowhere near the clitoris.
Has nothing to do with your abilities."
So it's not that we can't have orgasms.
It's that we don't know exactly what to do.
And our expectations around orgasm
are completely off from reality.
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All the sex you ever see in movies, media, porn,
is this very limited picture of what sex actually is.
People assume that porn is like a blueprint.
This is exactly how we're supposed to have sex.
It doesn't differentiate at all between what is real sex
and what is fake sex.
And the problem is that we don't--
is that so many people grew up and the first thing
they're seeing right now is porn.
Like at a young age now, like the kids
are, as early as eight years old are
seeing these graphic images.
And then there's-- it's like learning to--
learning to, you know, drive by watching,
you know, "Fast and Furious," right?
And then that turns into why there's so many problems around
like performative sex.
I know that I personally thought that orgasms
were going to happen every time that you have sex.
You know, this is why people--
there's so much challenge that we
have in our bodies and self-esteem,
because we think that we don't match up
to what we actually see.
We're not seeing where it gets awkward, where
we're stopping and starting.
We're not seeing anyone use protection, ask for consent.
We're not seeing communication.
We're not seeing just the stops, the starts,
the weirdness, the fun, like how sex can be goofy and playful.
We're not seeing any of that.
It's just-- it's a performance.
Like it's-- there's a script.
I know what's going to happen.
You know, that is just the opposite
of how sex actually happens.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Sex education has really been a letdown, especially in America.
Not all the states require sex education
to be medically accurate.
Medically accurate, like that the education we have.
And if that education of this education that we get,
it's like it's so limited.
In some schools, it's abstinence-based.
In some schools, it's very fear-based.
It's about don't get pregnant, don't get
STIs, sexually transmitted infections.
Essentially, don't have sex.
But like there is nothing, nothing in sex education
that talks about pleasure, that talks about consent, that
explains to you your actual body parts
and how they work, how you can use them,
how you know what feels good, essentially what
we're talking about now.
The truth is, in countries where they actually have--
teach comprehensive sex ed-- and there's just a few,
like in the Netherlands--
it's actually shown that they have
fewer pregnancies, more satisfying sex, of all genders,
and a much more equal, comprehensive view of sex.
I think that a lot of, you know, lawmakers,
and there's a lot of teachers and parents
who are just so worried that to teach comprehensive sex
education, to teach sex-positive sex education
means that we're telling kids to go out and have sex.
What actual sex positive means is
I want to give you the whole picture
so that they can make decisions on their own
and then go out and have sex that's actually enjoyable,
that is satisfying, that feels good, that's consensual.
I want to empower our youth to understand everything
about their anatomy and their incredible bodies.
And I want to give them the whole picture.
Our bodies have so much capacity for pleasure.
And our anatomy has all these places
that feel really, really good.
Isn't it interesting that we're walking around in these bodies
our entire lives and we just don't know?
It's like the owner's manual to our body
and what incredible things that it can do,
the incredible pleasure it can experience
is yours and available.
But you've just got to write your own manual.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
For vulva owners to unlock their orgasmic potential,
first like know that it is possible,
that wherever you're at right now
in your sex life or your experiences,
I'm going to say you probably haven't even scratched
the surface, yet.
And so know that.
So knowing that you might not know.
Like yeah, OK, you just have one orgasm
or experience it in a certain way.
Know there's a lot more places to go.
And so unlocking what is possible for your orgasm
is just a matter of saying, "I'm going
to take 30 minutes this week, I'm
going take an hour this week and I'm just
going to be all about my pleasure
and see where I can take my orgasm threshold."
A good place to start is getting to know your vulva.
The vulva refers to the parts on the outside of the body.
The vaginal opening and first two to three inches
inside are incredibly sensitive.
The outer labia and inner labia come in all shapes and sizes.
And the skin is full of pleasurable nerve endings.
The clitoris has over 8,000 nerve endings, twice
that of the head of a penis.
The only reason the clitoris exists is for pleasure.
And get this, research shows that if your glans clitoris
is more than an inch away from your vagina--
so think about the length of a thumb--
you probably won't have an orgasm just with penetration.
So that's why I'm all about getting enough clitoral contact
during sex.
Hi.
OK.
So this is the clitoral hood, right.
And sometimes when you become aroused,
it's sort of peeks backwards.
So here's the clitoris.
So when I say 1,000 nerve endings say,
you're like, oh, that little thing packs that much?
However, there is internal clitoral nerves.
There's a lot going on you can't see.
The clitoris actually extends internally.
It has legs called the crura, which
extends like brackets deep into the tissue of the vulva
on either side, along with the bulbs, which are made up
of soft erectile tissue.
So imagine when you stimulate all those nerve endings,
how much pleasure is possible.
Sometimes stimulating this area, you're
indirectly stimulating internal nerves or the G-spot,
as they call it, which I like to call the G-area because I just
don't believe it's a single spot.
It's different for everyone, but feels like a wrinkled patch
of skin two to three inches inside the vaginal canal
towards the bellybutton side of the body.
So to experience G-area pleasure,
it helps to already have a clitoral orgasm,
so to be warmed up, because then you're
going to be stimulated in all these nerve endings.
And it's all about-- like orgasm's all about blood flow.
So when we're unable to have orgasms--
and this goes for penises as well-- it's typically
because we are just not having enough blood flow.
And so when you have a clitoral orgasm,
this all becomes engorged and the blood starts to rush,
and you're like, oh, this feel so good.
Can I have another one?
And then internally it starts to swell.
And so typically, how you can find this internal area
is you could do it with a finger or a toy or a penis
if you have one handy, and you apply pressure to that area.
Some people like a come hither motion using two fingers,
almost like you want to pull the area out of your body.
And you could try other variations--
pulsing your fingers, pressing and holding
or moving them rapidly.
And when you do that, you might start
to feel a sensation that feels good.
Maybe you feel like you have to pee.
And for many, you just keep going and you might find out
it's-- and it's more like a pressure area that you might
feel that you do-- you can actually have an orgasm that
way as well.
And sometimes with these kind of intense G-area orgasms,
your body may decorate or squirt some fluid
that comes from the Skene's Glands
and expelled from the urethra.
Squirting is normal and very common and kind of amazing.
Another great thing about having a vulva
is that our refractory period, meaning
the time that it takes to have another orgasm,
is a lot quicker.
And so we limit our own orgasm potential
because we can learn to have more than one.
And so if you want to learn that, I invite you--
I invite you to take the matter into your own hands.
And just because you haven't yet,
doesn't mean that you can't or that it won't happen.
It just a matter of having an orgasm and breathing into it,
trying to like touch yourself elsewhere and seeing what else
feels good on your body, and then going back at it.
Let me tell you this, blow your mind.
Your wetness level is not an indicator of arousal.
So you can be really, really turned on and not wet.
Or you could be really wet and not turned on.
So don't hesitate to use lube.
When a vulva owner adds lube to any sexual experience,
they're more likely to orgasm--
80% more likely to orgasm with just a little bit of lube.
This is why one of my dreams is a lube on every nightstand.
So another place you'll want to use lube
is when you're exploring the perineum and anus.
See, both of these areas are buzzing with nerve endings,
and they respond to a little bit lighter touch.
Especially once a person is aroused and warmed up,
you just definitely need to use lube because unlike the vagina,
neither of these parts are self-lubricating.
So now you have the tools to dissect your orgasms,
get in, to get curious, become a student of your own orgasm.
Become a student of your own body
and say, wow, how could I have an orgasm?
Like where could I orgasm that I haven't?
What else is there left to explore?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
All right, so now let's get to know the penis and surrounding
area.
Every penis looks a little bit different.
About half of penises are circumcised
and half are uncircumcised, which simply means
the foreskin is left intact.
The shaft of the penis gets hard when aroused,
and that's because of increased blood flow.
And for some people, the head of the penis, or the glans,
is the most sensitive.
For others, it's the frenulum, also known
as your new best friend, which is located underneath the penis
where the glans and the shaft meet.
Some other erogenous zones are the testes--
a.k.a. balls-- and scrotum, which
respond to various kinds of touch,
and the anus and the perineum.
And a few inches inside the rectum
is this magical little area called the prostate.
Stimulating the prostate can actually
lead to intense orgasms and pleasure for some people.
So just play around.
So for penis owners, one of the biggest challenges
is around premature ejaculation.
And that's, you know, ejaculating
without your control or in a minute or less.
Like before, like getting there before you want to.
There's a lot of reasons why penises
have challenges around premature ejaculation, but it is common.
And it's something that you can work on as well.
And so for-- if this is something
that you would challenge with or there's
a special penis in your life that's also being challenged
by just not being able to last as long as you
want before the stage of ejaculation,
there's a few practices.
One is called edging.
And edging is where you are--
so you're masturbating, as you do.
But this time, think about it this way,
like on a scale of 1 to 10.
10 is like, oh my God, you're at that, you know, orgasm phase,
and then 1, you're just sort of like hanging out.
So if you start to-- so you start
to masturbate until you start to feel,
you know, your arousal just sort of rises, right?
And then when you get to about a 9.5, not when you get to a 10,
you want to breathe and you want to bring it back down again
to about 5.
Are you all with me on this?
So you bring it to a-- yes, you bring it to a 5.
So the reason why we're doing this,
you're looking for ejaculatory control.
Because when you get to a 10 before you want to--
which is what we're talking about,
premature ejaculation-- it's because you're not
sure about your threshold.
And so this is a way of edging, as we call it.
So you're going to escalate to a 9.5.
You're going to go back down to a 5.
Then you're going to go back up to 9.5, back down to about a 5.
And you do that a few times every time you masturbate,
eventually you can go to a 10, go crazy.
Another thing you can try is the squeeze technique.
So as you're being stimulated and reaching a 9.5,
you're almost to the point of ejaculation,
you stop your stimulation and squeeze the head of the penis
until the feeling of climax passes.
Some people squeeze the head and the base near the groin area
simultaneously.
Squeezing helps maintain the erection
without reaching orgasm.
You can do this with masturbating
or while having sex.
If you do that, you'll start to realize it's a muscle.
And then you're starting to train yourself, oh, I know
when this is going to happen.
So once you start to just understand our bodies,
like understand what's happening here,
you won't feel so out of control with your ejaculation.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Our brain is the most powerful sex organ.
We think it's between-- what's going on between our legs,
but it is what's going on in our minds and in our heads.
And this is what we have to understand, which is good news.
Like what if I said, you know what,
it's all about the way you were born
and has everything to do with what's between your legs?
I would have nothing to tell you.
I'd be like, well, this is how we're going to work with it.
I'm saying that most of the things I am telling you here,
most of them, many of them, are in our head.
You could think yourself to orgasm.
You could have a think-off.
You're not limited by just the genitals
that we walk around with.
The brain primes the body for pleasure.
There are so many hormones released
during sexual play, orgasm, and after sex.
As your body is touched in pleasurable ways,
all the nerve endings being stimulated
are communicating with your brain
to release feel good hormones.
So the first one is oxytocin, which
is called the cuddle hormone.
And then there's dopamine.
Dopamine is the high and the euphoria we feel.
And then we have endorphins, which are natural painkillers.
Yeah, we have painkillers in us.
So these could also help with PMS, can help with back pain.
And then we also have serotonin, which is a mood stabilizer,
and prolactin, which is why sometimes we
get sleepy after orgasm.
That's all in you after orgasm.
Tell me you don't want to orgasm.
Feel good hormones, they're free.
They're in our body.
They're all about your pleasure.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Kegels, Kegels, Kegels, I don't really care how you say them,
but you have to know how to do them.
So they're these muscles, right, in our pelvic floor.
And people with penises and vulvas can do them.
The pelvic floor muscles are responsible for orgasm.
Strengthening your pelvic floor is such an important part
of your overall sexual health and wellness.
For women, it can help enhance orgasm.
It can help build your, you know,
helps with urinary incontinence for penises and vaginas--
you know, the sneezing and peeing.
Vulva owners can sort of flex their pelvic floor muscles.
You know, you can do a Kegel while you're
having penetrative sex.
And that could feel great for you and your partner.
And for men, it helps with their prostate,
keep a healthy prostate.
I mean, I always hear like penises are like,
"Oh really, I didn't know that men could do that,"
or whatever I hear.
Yeah, you can.
And it's actually an important like sexercise.
You know, OK, so you know those like--
like let's say you're going to the bathroom, right,
and someone's like knocking on the door.
You're like, oh God, they're coming in.
And then you-- you're going-- let's say you're peeing,
right, you're on the toilet, urinating.
And then someone's going, Oh, I got to hold it in because I
don't--
someone's at the door.
Those are the muscles, that you like stop the flow of urine,
those are your Kegel muscles.
Those are your pelvic floor muscles.
So once you locate them, you could do it.
Whenever I mention it, people do it.
So you can like, oh, that's it.
So how you do your Kegel exercises
is you just start kind of tense, hold it for two seconds
and relax it.
Tense and relax.
Remember to keep your butt muscles relaxed.
You can also try pulsing for a series of three counts
and then relax.
As you improve, you can try tensing a little,
then tensing a little bit more, and then tensing as much as you
can, and then releasing.
The cool thing about them is that to work them out
doesn't take long.
Like you could just do it 2 minutes a day
and you'll start to realize that you're more in touch,
you have more connection to your body, and perhaps more orgasms.