[gunshots, men whooping]
Ya-hoo-hoo!
- Ya-hoo-hoo! - [gunfire]
Yahoo!
Yahoo! Whoo-hoo!
Well, if I don't bet 'em, ya may not think I got 'em,
so I'm bettin'.
- That's good. - [laughing]
A deuce in the hole in this game is good as an ace.
Thought you was tough, Kent. [laughing]
Too good for me, Claggett. Deal me out a hand.
I never knew money was so easy to get. [laughing]
- [orchestra playing instrumental song] - [people chattering]
[song ends]
[people laughing, chattering]
[orchestra playing new song]
[man] Yee-hoo!
[cheering, applause]
[crowd] ♪ It was Little Joe the wrangler He will wrangle never more ♪
♪ For his days with the roundup They are o'er ♪
♪ They are o'er ♪
♪ 'Twas a year ago last April When he rode up to our camp ♪
♪ Just a little Texas stray And nothing more ♪
♪ And nothing more ♪
- [woman] ♪ Little Joe ♪ - [crowd] ♪ Little Joe ♪
- ♪ Little Joe ♪ - ♪ Little Joe ♪
♪ Oh, whatever become of him I don't know ♪
[crowd] ♪ She don't know ♪
♪ Oh, he sure did like his liquor And it would have got his ticker ♪
♪ But the sheriff got him quicker Yee-yahoo ♪
[crowd] ♪ Yee-yahoo ♪
- ♪ Little Joe ♪ - ♪ Little Joe ♪
♪ Oh, wherever his body lies I don't know ♪
♪ She don't know ♪
♪ When the yellow moon was beamin' He could wrangle like a demon ♪
♪ And you'd always hear him screamin' Yee-yahoo ♪
[crowd] ♪ Yee-yahoo ♪
- ♪ Little Joe ♪ - ♪ Little Joe ♪
♪ Oh, whatever he's doing now I don't know ♪
♪ She don't know ♪
♪ He had women by the dozens And he swore they was his cousins ♪
♪ Till he met up with their husbands Yee-yahoo ♪
- ♪ Yee-hoo ♪ - Yee-yahoo!
[laughing]
Aah!
♪ Oh, Little Joe ♪
♪ Little Joe ♪
♪ Whatever happened to him, I don't know ♪
♪ But I sure do like my liquor ♪
♪ But I can see ya got it quicker ♪
♪ And I hope it makes you sick You buffalo ♪
[orchestra continues playing]
- How's everybody doing? - Not bad. Not bad.
I could use a little touch of that rabbit's foot of yours.
I see you could.
He'll need more than a rabbit's foot to catch up with me.
I'll more than likely own this whole shebang before the night's over.
- Then you'll be workin' for me, Frenchy. - [all laugh]
That's fine. Maybe I can get a little raise.
You bet you can. You bet you can. [chuckles]
Anybody like a sandwich?
- No, but I'll have some coffee. - [man] Me too.
- Yeah, I'll take some. - None for me, thanks.
Bet 50.
- [foot kicking] - Oh. I'll stay.
Let's keep the small fry out. I'll make it 100.
I fold.
Ace, ten bets.
Ace oughta be worth about, uh, 500.
Not me.
- I'll stay. - I drop.
Pair of eights bets.
Bet 1,000.
Pair of eights, huh?
Well, I got an eight myself, so I don't think you got three of 'em.
But just to find out, I'll bump ya 2,000. Eh, Frenchy?
- All or nothin', I always say. - Me too. [laughing]
I'll call.
[dealer] Last card coming up.
- Pair of aces bets. - Pair of aces.
- I guess that oughta fold ya up. - Wait a minute.
- Make your bet. - Ya ‒ Ya mean ya ain't droppin'?
I'm still in.
And I still don't think ya got three eights,
so pop goes the weasel.
[chuckling] Think that's enough?
- Don't you? - [chuckles] You're bettin'.
Well, durn my hide!
I got a 3,000-acre ranch
and 1,500 head of cattle worth at least $10,000 that says
you don't want any part of it.
- Ohh! - Golly, that's hot!
- [Kent] Can't ya be more careful, Frenchy? - My heel caught on something.
- Let me wipe you off. - That's all right. Accidents will happen.
- I'm sorry. - That's all right. Forget it. Forget it.
Let's play poker. Callin' my bet or ain't ya?
I'll call.
Three shining aces.
Where?
I had an ace in the hole. How'd that deuce get there?
- Maybe you only seen one end of it. - I saw what I saw.
Well, I guess that makes my two pair good.
- You take your hands off that pot. - Behave yourself.
- You keep out of this. - You were bluffing, and you were called.
You're all a bunch of crooks, but ya ain't cheatin' me.
- Take it easy, partner. - I'll show ya how I'll take it.
Quiet. Quiet!
Quiet!
Boys.
- Nice work, honey. - Practice makes perfect.
Well, that does it. This gives us a solid strip of land right across the valley.
And what do we do now?
Nothin' till them cattlemen try to drive their herds through without payin'.
- How many steers will come through? - Last year, there were 350,000.
Now, if we charge 'em 25 cents a head...
- that makes ‒ - $87,500.
- Now that's money. - We're rich!
I'll get my gal's teeth plugged with diamonds
and just sit and watch her smile.
Uh-uh. I'll take care of that.
I'd rather have cash... in the bank.
And stay outta here!
[hammer cocks]
Just a minute, Claggett.
- Where you going with that rifle? - You let me alone, Keogh.
I'm gonna kill that dirty cheat if it's the last thing I do.
Take it easy. You ain't gonna kill nobody. What's this all about?
That low-down skunk sucked me into bettin' my ranch and cattle,
and then switched cards on me.
- So Kent got you too, did he? - He thinks he did. Give me that gun!
Now, you go on home. I'll see that they don't get your ranch.
- There's only one way to stop Kent. - I'll take care of that too.
I been waitin' a long time to catch up with that tinhorn. Now go on home.
Go on. Go on before you get yourself killed.
Sheriff, Sheriff, Sheriff. What's up? What's up?
- Not a thing, Wash. - Oh, you can't fool me.
I can see by the look in your eye and the way you're a-walkin'.
When Tom Destry walked like that, he was stalking his prey.
If there's anything I can do to help ya, I'll do it.
No, thanks, Wash. I got no need for you and your banjo right now.
When I was Destry's deputy, I was good with guns. I was equal to any emergency.
- I know. I know. Some other time. - [crowd laughing]
Aw, laugh! Laugh, you coyotes!
- Lookin' for somebody, Sheriff? - Yes. I aim to find out from Kent
why he's turnin' that poker game into a land-grab business.
Oh.
You'd do a lot better for yourself if you come over and buy me a drink.
- I know what's good for me. - I'm sure you do.
- [laughing] - Frenchy, they don't believe me.
They don't know what a big man I was.
- I was Tom Destry's deputy, wasn't I? - Sure, sure, sure.
- There, you see? Frenchy knows. - Go and buy yourself something to drink.
[chuckling] Oh!
How'd everything go up there?
I still serve the best coffee in Bottleneck.
What'd Keogh have on his mind?
Oh, he was just getting a little curious about that real estate business.
I think I'll have to buy myself an option on his curiosity.
[gunshots]
I think you'll have to buy yourself a whole new sheriff.
If you can find one.
- What are you doing? - I didn't do it! I didn't do it!
- What's the matter with you? - Oh, Miss Frenchy.
I was just tryin' to shut out the boomin' and the bangin' of them there pop guns.
What do you expect in a town like this?
I expect I's just gonna remain a mass of quiverin' flesh.
[thudding]
What's comin' up, a new gold rush?
We never got anything like that in New Orleans, did we?
Maybe so, maybe so, but it was a heap more peaceful.
Mmm! I'd like to sink my chattering teeth in some good ol' Louisiana oysters.
Here, sink your teeth into this. Maybe that will stop the chattering.
Oh, it'll help.
- Thanks. - [knocking]
- Come in. - They're waitin' for ya, Frenchy.
The longer they wait, the better they like it.
[applause, cheering]
♪ All I do is dine with 'em ♪
♪ And split a pint of wine with 'em ♪
♪ Respectable as can be ♪
♪ Yet here's what they say to me ♪
♪ You've got that look ♪
♪ That look that leaves me weak ♪
♪ You with your Eyes across the table technique ♪
♪ You've got that look ♪
♪ That look between the lines ♪
♪ You with your Let's get more than friendly designs ♪
♪ I should be brave and say Let's have no more of it ♪
♪ But, oh, what's the use when you know ♪
♪ I love it? ♪
♪ You'll only kill my will ♪
♪ Before I speak ♪
♪ So turn on that low left hook ♪
♪ That look that leaves me weak ♪
♪ You've got that look ♪
♪ That look that leaves me weak ♪
♪ You with your Eyes across the table technique ♪
♪ You've got that look ♪
♪ That look between the lines ♪
♪ You with your Let's get more than friendly designs ♪
♪ I should be brave and say ♪
♪ Let's have no more of it ♪
♪ But, oh, what's the use when you know ♪
♪ I love it? ♪
Whoopee! Yeeha-haha!
♪ You'll only kill my will Before I speak ♪
♪ So turn on that low left hook ♪
♪ That look that leaves me weak ♪
[cheering, gunfire]
[no audible dialogue]
[whistling]
- [cheering continues] - All right. Quiet.
Quiet! Shut up!
Folks, an important announcement by our mayor,
the honorable Hiram J. Slade.
Fellow citizens,
our esteemed sheriff, Mr. Joseph Keogh,
has been suddenly called out of town on urgent business.
- He'll be gone permanent. - [man] Yippee!
So it becomes necessary for me to appoint somebody
to fill out the unexpired term.
Therefore, with the power conferred on me
by statute number 85-E...
and other statutes thereunto appertainin',
I do hereby appoint to the post of sheriff
that paragon of courage,
that credit to his community...
the pride of Bottleneck,
Mr. Washington Dimsdale.
[laughter]
[laughing continues]
♪ Oh, Little Joe, Little Joe ♪
- [man] Hooray for the new sheriff! - [cheering]
- Hey! Hey! - [cheering continues]
Hooray!
- What are we cheerin' for? - For you, Wash. You're the new sheriff.
- Hooray ‒ What? - [laughs]
That's right, Sheriff. Congratulations.
As mayor of Bottleneck, I here and now pronounce you sheriff.
[crowd cheering]
Drinks on the house, everybody.
I set 'em up and you drink 'em down.
This is getting monotonous!
Quiet, everybody!
To our new sheriff, Washington Dimsdale. A long life!
[all cheering, laughing]
A long life! That's pretty good!
- Wash, aren't you drinking to yourself? - Oh, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Frenchy, am I really the sheriff?
- Well, sure, you are. - Then I am off the liquor.
A man has gotta choose between the bottle and the badge.
[laughter, cheering]
Aw, he didn't say that. Or did he?
Laugh, you fools!
But I'm tellin' ya this town of Bottleneck has gotta respect law and order,
or I'll put everybody in jail.
[laughing]
The sheriff's right. Now you can see why I chose such a strong-minded man.
- [laughter] - We're all with ya, Sheriff.
- If you need help, I'll be your deputy. - No need to bother.
I want a deputy like I was when Destry was my boss.
Why, we handled a much tougher and ornerier crowd than I see present.
Why, when we started shootin', they ran outta town so fast,
the breeze from their coattails set off a sizable windmill.
[laughter]
- But Destry is dead. - That makes him the right man for the job.
- Saves us a lot of trouble. - Is that so?
Well, young Tom ain't dead, and his father brought him up
to be the toughest and fightinest man that ever growed up in the west.
He ain't got as big a name as his pa, but he cleaned up Tombstone.
And I'm sendin' for him to be my deputy.
And when he gets here,
Destry will ride again.
[laughter]
[driver] Hyah!
Hey, driver, how many times do I have to tell you to take it easy on those bumps?
I got a schedule to keep. Pull in your neck.
I'll pull a neck in, but it won't be mine.
[driver laughs]
You just wait till we get to a stop.
[woman] Oh, Jack, leave the driver alone.
Trip's almost over. I don't mind the bumps.
I do. If he don't take it easy, I'll blow his head off.
Please don't mind my brother, Mr. Destry.
He's always threatening to blow people's heads off.
I had a friend once. His name was Stubbs.
He was always goin' around, threatenin' to blow people's heads off.
One day, a fella came along and took him up on it.
Well?
Well, folks say that now Stubbs' forehead is
holdin' up the prettiest tombstone in Green Lawn Cemetery.
Very funny.
I been handlin' cattle around these parts for quite a spell.
I met some of the toughest hombres they got, and I'm still here.
This ain't no ornament.
Pretty good with it.
So was Stubbs.
Meaning just exactly what?
Well, I just mean you gotta be careful who you meet up with.
You know, you got some pretty peculiar ideas for a deputy sheriff.
But they make sense.
Oh, so I'm supposed to ride in this confounded contraption,
gettin' bumped around like this,
and grin like a baboon.
Well, maybe you should take up a hobby, like me.
You'd be surprised the genuine rage you can work off
just by carving a little piece of wood like that.
Are you sure your name is Destry?
Yeah, folks is always askin' me that.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
♪ Little Joe ♪
♪ Whatever happened to him, I don't know ♪
Hey, boss, stage is a-comin'!
- How far away? - On the upper ridge.
Oh, doggone it, doggone it!
Here. Come here! Here.
Gimme a hand.
- Is Destry really comin'? - You're darn tootin' he is.
And when he gets here, there'll be a lot of folks a-goin'.
Come on. Put that chair in place.
Here. There's a nickel for ya. [humming]
Jiminy, Wash. You look like a real sheriff.
[laughs] I ain't got time to argue.
[humming]
- Lily Belle? Lily Belle? - What you want?
Coach is comin'. Destry will be here any minute.
Drat. I ain't half finished his room yet. Where's Callahan?
- Maybe he's in the saloon. - Maybe? More than likely.
If you see that no-good Russian lummox, tell him to get over here.
I'll tell him. I'll tell him.
Callahan! Callahan!
How much have you got left?
- I tap you, Callahan. - Please, Frenchy. I am not Callahan.
Callahan was my wife's first husband, and he's dead.
I am Boris Alexandrovich Stavrogin, and I like to be called by my name.
All right, Callahan, what do you do?
Deal.
- King. Ace. Can you beat it? - Is my credit good?
- No, no, not this time. - Oh, please, Frenchy.
- Still want to bet, huh? - Uh-huh.
All right.
- Thirty bucks against your pants. - My pants? Oh, no.
- Thirty bucks, huh? - Mm-hmm.
My pants. Thirty bucks.
Yee-ha-ha! Here he comes, folks!
Stagecoach comin' around the bend! Get ready, everybody!
Come on! Destry will be here any minute!
Kent, you better prepare yourself. You're gonna meet a man. [laughs]
Callahan! Callahan! Scoot on home. Lily Belle's lookin' for you.
- I'll be right back, Frenchy. - Oh, I won't be here then.
- Then we can call it all off. - No, no. You make up your mind right now.
Oh. Oh, what to do, what to do?
If I leave, I probably could have won the pot, and if I stay I might lose it,
and if I don't go and help with the baggage, my wife will skin me alive.
Oh, your wife will skin you alive anyway.
Come on. Maybe you've got me beat.
Aha! I've been waiting for you to tell me I've got you beat
so I would think I have not got you beat,
but I personally know I have got you beat
with my two kings against your lonely ace.
Haven't I, Frenchy?
Thirty bucks against your pants.
Oh, what to do, what to do?
[speaking Russian]
[gunshots]
[whooping]
Come here, you.
[women scream]
[laughing loudly]
That's just a small sample of what you buzzards are gonna get from now on.
Welcome to Bottleneck, Tom. I'm Wash.
- Well, friend, I think ‒ - It's a pleasure, Mr. Destry.
You folks have made a mistake. I'm Jack Tyndall.
- You ain't Destry? - No, that's me.
You're Destry?
[chuckles] Folks is always askin' me ‒ Well, Wash, hello.
Haven't changed a bit. I'll be with ya soon as I help the lady.
[crowd chuckling]
- Canary bird! - Parasol.
[laughing]
Put down that durn bird, will ya?
My mistake was certainly a pardonable one. How do you do, Mrs. Destry?
- No, wrong again. - Yes, I'm Janice Tyndall.
Oh, well, you'll be needin' rooms anyway. I'll show ya across.
Oh, come on, Mr. Destry. You'll be wantin' a nice, strong cup of tea.
- Tea? - [laughing]
Tea for Destry? Are you crazy? What he wants is some strong liquor.
Come on to the saloon.
You want a cup of tea? [laughing]
Oh, come on, Callahan. I can't wait here all day.
Frenchy, have I got you beat?
Why don't you call me and find out?
I'll call. I'll bet my pants.
Two aces.
I was right. Why didn't I listen to myself?
Hand over those pants.
But, Frenchy, I can't. It's undignified. Think of my position.
- I've met every king in Europe. - Now you've met two aces in Bottleneck.
- Off with those pants. - No, you really don't mean it.
- Get him, boys, get him. - Ohh!
Everybody's laughin' at ya.
Tom, you made an impression in this town that's gotta be eradicated right now.
Oh, now, Wash, don't you think them first impressions
are darn fool things to jump at, though?
Around here, you gotta jump first or you don't live long.
- Where's the saloon? - Down here. Come on.
What you were just sayin' reminds me of a friend of mine.
He woke up in the middle of the night and thought he saw
a great big white hand comin' up at him over the edge of the bed.
So he got his gun out from under his pillow
and he aimed and he shot a great big hole right through his own foot.
- No. - Yeah.
Now, he shouldn't have gone by that first impression, should he? Huh?
[laughing] Well, it was a darn fool ‒
Aw, come on.
[shouting, laughing]
Oh, that was just Callahan, Lily Belle's husband.
Come on in here. Meet the folks.
Well, folks, here he is.
I want you all to meet my new deputy, Thomas Jefferson Destry.
- Howdy, folks. - Welcome to Bottleneck, Destry.
- My name's Kent. - Howdy.
- And this is Slade, our mayor. - How are you, sir?
Oh, Frenchy! Frenchy! Oh, here's the gal you gotta meet.
Come on! [laughing]
- This is Frenchy. - Howdy, ma'am.
[together] How's the weather up there?
Yeah, yeah. Ah, come on. You can do better than that.
[Wash laughs] You know, Frenchy is the real boss of Bottleneck.
Oh, well, I always like to know who's boss.
You'll find out.
Come on, everybody. Have a drink on Callahan's pants.
[cheering, laughing]
Mr. Destry, before we start drinking,
I think you and me ought to come to an understanding.
Well, I'm all for folks understanding each other.
- That's a mighty fine idea, Mr. Kent. - I'm glad you agree with me.
So I'll start by telling you that I have a... very peculiar hobby.
Uh-huh. So have I.
Mine's, uh, carving napkin rings. What's yours?
- Mine's collecting deputy sheriff's guns. - [crowd quiets]
Whenever I meet a new deputy, I always ask him for his gun.
And I ask him real nice.
Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Kent.
I'm afraid this here is one gun your collection's gonna be minus.
- You mean I'm gonna have to take it? - If you can. Now hold on, hold on.
Now... don't get excited here.
I was just tryin' to tell ya that I ain't got any guns.
See, if I woulda had a gun there,
why, one of us might have got hurt, and it might have been me.
I wouldn't like that. Would I?
- [laughs] - [all laughing]
Tweet-tweet! I'm a canary. Where's my cage?
It's gettin' sunny. Where's my parasol?
Folks, seems like we got a deputy that knows what's good for him.
[laughing]
If he don't carry a gun, he can't get into any trouble.
[laughter]
And if anybody picks on you, you come to Uncle.
- I'll remember that, Mr. Kent. - [laughing]
What'll you have, Destry?
- Milk? - Yeah, I think I will.
[all laughing]
I can see now how you cleaned up Tombstone.
You can start right here.
And don't forget the corners.
Hey, you!
Give me those pants. And from now on, you leave my husband alone.
I don't want your husband, Mrs. Callahan.
All I want is his money.
- And his pants. - And how'd you get 'em?
By makin' eyes at him while you cheat, you ‒ you gilded lily, you.
But, Mrs. Callahan, you know that he would rather be cheated by me
than married to you.
[all laughing]
- What'd you say? - You heard me.
That's what I thought ya said.
[crowd shouting]
[man] Come on, Frenchy!
- [man shouting] Who's your man, Frenchy? - [man 2] Hang on and get her scalp!
[man] Who's your man?
[man 3] Cowboy!
Ride 'em, cowboy!
[man] Come on, Frenchy!
[men speaking Chinese]
[man 2] Hang on and get her scalp, Frenchy!
[man shouting] Who's your man, Frenchy?
[man 2] Hang on and get her scalp, Frenchy!
[men speaking Chinese]
Frenchy!
[man 3] Ride 'em, cowboy!
[man] Come on, Frenchy!
Come on, Frenchy!
Frenchy!
Come on, Frenchy!
[all laughing]
[no audible dialogue]
Scratch him! Scratch him! Bulldoze him!
- [crowd gasping, shouting] - [man] Come on, Frenchy!
Come on, Frenchy!
[Tom] That thing will go off!
That thing will go off!
- Look, will ya wait? - Go, Frenchy!
- Wait. Will ya just...? - Come on, Frenchy!
Hey, Uncle!
[man 3] Ride 'em, cowboy!
- Frenchy! - Ride 'em, cowboy!
[crowd shouting, laughing]
[man] Come on, Frenchy!
Come on, Frenchy!
Hey, can't we talk this over?
Come on, Frenchy!
Uh-oh.
Used to play one of them.
Aw, now ‒ Now wait a minute, lady.
Don't you call me a lady!
Oh ‒ Oh, now, now.
- You wouldn't ‒ - [man] Come on, Frenchy!
- Oh, you must be plumb tuckered out. - [grunts]
- My mistake. - Get out before I kill ya.
- You mean you haven't been tryin'? - Get out!
All right, all right, I'm leavin'. All right.
You sure have a knack of makin' a stranger feel right at home, ma'am. Yeah.
Nice knowin' ya.
- Who's buyin' me a drink? - [cheering]
♪ Got a gal, got a gal With a Frenchy walk ♪
♪ Got a gal, got a gal With a Frenchy talk ♪
♪ Goin' to France tonight 'Cause you're my pal ♪
♪ Keep away from the old corral ♪
[cheering]
Who's boss of Bottleneck?
[all] Frenchy! [cheering]
- Ohh! - [all laughing]
I never thought I'd live to see the day
that Tom Destry's son would be the laughingstock of the whole town.
Look that bad?
You won't be able to stick your nose out of a door without everybody hootin' at ya.
- Them that wants to hoot, let 'em hoot. - You won't be hearin' it.
I told Mrs. Callahan you won't be needin' this room.
- You're leaving on the next coach. - I sort of like it here, Wash.
Aw! How you gonna face anybody after what you took from Kent and Frenchy?
What did you expect me to do?
I expected you to be like your pa, come in a-blastin' behind shootin' irons.
And what happened? You didn't have any.
- Why? - I don't believe in 'em.
Huh? You did the last time I heard about ya.
What in thunder's come over ya since then?
Well, Wash...
my pa had these on that day down in Tombstone...
but he got shot in the back.
Didn't seem to do him much good, did they?
- That's one reason I don't believe in 'em. - What in tarnation do you believe in?
- Law and order. - Without guns?
Without 'em.
Well, if that don't beat all let go.
[sighs] Oh, Tom.
The reason they made me sheriff here is because I was the town drunk.
They wanted someone they could kick around,
someone who wouldn't ask questions.
But I was aimin' to fool 'em, do things right, sendin' for you.
And now... you fooled me.
Well, you will fool 'em, Wash.
We'll fool 'em together.
The only way to do that is fill 'em full of lead.
No, no, no. What for?
You shoot it out with 'em and for some reason or other, I don't know why,
they get to look like heroes.
But you put 'em behind bars and they'll look little and cheap,
the way they oughta look.
And it serves as a warnin' for the rest of 'em to keep away.
Oh, that won't work here in Bottleneck.
Oh, y-you go on home,
and I'll go back to bein' the town drunk.
That's all I'm good for.
Now, you're not goin' back to bein' the town drunk
and I'm gonna stay here and do this job I come for.
My pa did it the old way, and I'm gonna do it a new way.
If I don't prove to you that I'm right, I'll get outta town quick enough.
Don't worry.
- But first, you got to give me a chance. - No.
- You've got to give me a chance on this. - No, no.
Now, come on. Come on, swear me in, Sheriff.
- Well, raise your right hand. - Yeah, there.
Do you, Thomas Jefferson Destry, swear to uphold the law
and serve your office and do your duty and everything that goes with it?
I do. I do.
Here's your badge.
Don't let anybody see it.
[Wash mutters] Without guns.
[door closes]
- [gunshots] - [cattle mooing]
[gunshots continue]
Eli.
Eli, hurry.
See if you can sneak out the back way and bring help as fast as you can.
- Be careful now. Careful. - All right, Ma.
Sister, get over there. Close to the wall. Close.
You better give up, Claggett! We're gonna get the ranch sooner or later!
[gunshots]
Come and get it!
[gunshots continue]
- Nice hardware store, ain't it, Tom? - Yeah. Yeah.
Got some fine-looking bowie knives in there too.
Yeah.
You wouldn't be interested in one of them, would ya?
- Nope. - No, I was afraid you wouldn't.
Oh, Tom, look here. Look at this post.
Soaked through and through with the blood of Sawtooth McGee.
Yeah, he objected to a petticoat his neighbor's wife was wearing
and they fit to a draw.
- Both buried in the same grave. - Sawtooth and the petticoat.
No, Sawtooth and the neighbor! And four innocent bystanders.
Now, you gotta listen to reason or get out of town.
Aw, I think I'll stick around.
You know, I had a friend once used to collect postage stamps.
He always said the one good thing about a postage stamp ‒
it always sticks to one thing till it gets there. I'm sort of like that too.
Hey, Wash, wait.
- Here. I got somethin' for ya. - I ain't expectin' nothin'.
Folks think I'm gonna nurse their livestock, they're crazy.
- What is it? - Appears to be rabbits.
- Mighty big family there. - Who sent for them?
Sheriff Keogh. I got to get 'em off my hands.
When that crate come, there was only two. Now count 'em.
- Well, rabbits is like that. - You can have 'em.
- Say, uh, where did Sheriff Keogh go? - I don't know nothin'.
[gunshots]
[men whooping]
Hold on there. Hold on now.
You fellas gettin' kind of playful, ain't ya?
- What about it? - Careful, Creepy.
That's "No Gun" Destry.
- Oh. [laughing] - [all laughing]
Well, that's pretty good shootin'.
Must be good guns. You care if I heft 'em?
Guess you can't hurt yourself any just liftin' 'em. But be careful.
They're loaded. [laughing]
Nice weight.
Yeah.
You know, aside from being nice ornaments,
a fella can have a whole lot of harmless amusement outta these here toys.
Take for instance them knobs up on top of that sign there.
They're all right.
All right.
The next time you fellas start any of this promiscuous shootin' around the streets,
you're gonna land in jail, understand?
- Sure. - Sure.
- All right. - We was just havin' a little fun, Deputy.
All right.
Come on, Wash.
I can't believe my eyes.
I ain't seen shootin' like that since Bat Masterson killed that Paiute chief.
Twenty-two of 'em. Wash, we gotta do somethin' here.
And you been walkin' around here actually condemning the use of firearms.
- Where'd you say Sheriff Keogh went? - I didn't say!
Certainly left his papers in a mess.
'Tain't 'cause you're a coward, 'cause I know ya ain't.
- Private papers, too. - Private papers. Now listen, my son.
I'm an older man than you are.
I was an old friend of your pa's. When we was together ‒
He forgets his rabbits. He forgets all these papers.
What about 'em? Rabbits is easy to forget.
- Yeah, but gold ain't. - Ohh!
I don't care what you find out, blast it!
I ain't seen nothin' like you since the last time I was drunk,
and them green snakes and pink buffalos, I can account for them.
But you ‒ you've got to listen to me.
- All right, Wash, now what's on your mind? - As though I ain't been tryin' to tell ya.
You've got to behave like I expect ya to behave.
- Where's the sheriff? - He's out of town. And when I ‒
- Wait a minute. That's me. - Some men come to take our ranch!
And they're shootin' at Ma and Pa!
You hear that? Shootin' goin' on in this town all the time.
- Come on, hurry! - What do ya want me for? Oh, sure, sure!
Sure.
Let's see your gun, son.
Doggone near as big as you are, isn't it?
- You're Thomas Jefferson Destry, ain't ya? - That's right.
- I'm Eli Whitney Claggett. - Well, glad to know ya.
Howdy.
Gosh, I've heard about you and your pa all my life.
Whenever we play sheriffs and Injuns, I'm always your pa.
Couldn't do better, son.
Gosh, I bet you've killed a lot of men in the course of duty.
- Get goin', son. I'll be right with ya. - How 'bout me handling it?
- Gosh, yeah, you can use it. - All right.
- You see, Tom. Even that little kid ‒ - Reminds me of a kid I used to know.
He done in both his pa and ma with a crowbar.
- No. - Yes, he did.
Now, the judge said to him, "Do you got anything to say for yourself?"
And the kid said, "Well, I just hope that Your Honor has some regard
for the feelings of a poor orphan."
- Yeah. - [chuckling]
You know, that reminds ‒ Oh, why don't you go back to Omaha?
- I'm goin' along with you. - What in tarnation for?
- See you don't get hurt. - See I ‒
[grunts, mutters] See I don't get ‒
[gunshots]
[Wash] Stop that shootin'!
Hold your fire, Lem. Here's Eli back with the law.
Say, what do you think you're doin'?
I told you we were gonna have respect for law and order,
and I ain't makin' no exceptions.
That's fine, Sheriff.
- Get those people out of my house. - Your house?
That's Claggett's property, and he ain't gonna sell to nobody.
- Wait a minute. You better take a look ‒ - I ain't interested in no documents.
You mosey on outta here before I start blastin'!
- And I mean every word of it. - Ouch!
There was a big bee about that big right on the back of your neck.
- I got him, though. - Thanks.
- Now look here ‒ - Hold on, hold on. Just a minute.
Mr. Kent, could I see that paper?
- Wait here while I talk to Claggett. - What do you want to see Claggett for?
Him's the man I want to put off this ‒ Who's the sheriff around here anyway?
I tell ya, you ain't gonna do this to us, mister.
We ain't givin' up what we worked ten years to get.
Ma'am, I'd sooner hang that crowd out there to the nearest tree
than let 'em have this ranch,
but that paper your husband signed gives 'em a perfect legal right to it.
- Don't it, Wash? - Sure, it does.
The way we're operatin' now.
But I told you what that woman did to me.
The game was as crooked as a hog's tail.
I don't doubt that, mister, but it's your word against theirs,
and that don't hold up in a court of law.
Why, they'd swear themselves blue in the face agin' ya.
Afraid you folks are over a barrel.
Fine goings-on when the law takes the side of cheats.
Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry, ma'am, but that's about all we can do for you right now.
But you folks stick around town.
We'll figure out some way to get this ranch back for ya.
Yeah. That's just what Keogh said.
But we're still a-losin' it.
- Keogh? - Uh, he couldn't do nothin' about it.
Everybody knows that he left town sudden.
Yeah, I'll bet he did.
I'll bet he did.
Here's a present for ya.
Wash, you, uh, stay around here and see that these folks get their stuff together.
- What are you aimin' to do? - Get better acquainted with the enemy.
Just don't stick your nose into a keg of dynamite.
'Tain't dynamite. It's poker and coffee that's preyin' on my mind right now.
[door slams]
Ohh.
- Well, what about it? - No trouble at all, Kent.
The place is yours. They're packin' up now.
Well, thanks, Destry.
I can see you and me are gonna get along fine.
Well, we gotta enforce the law, don't we?
[laughing] We sure do. We sure do!
No two ways about it, huh?
[laughing]
And I thought he was dumb.
[cows mooing]
Hyah! Hyah!
[woman] ♪ There's a hole In the bottom of the sea ♪
- ♪ There's a hole in the bottom of the ‒ ♪ - [knocking]
♪ Sea ♪
♪ There's a hole, there's a hole ♪
♪ There's a hole in the ‒ ♪
Well, shoot me for a duck. If it ain't the water man!
Nothin' like havin' a reputation.
Would you tell Miss Frenchy I'd appreciate seeing her on some official business?
Yes, sir. Yes, sir. You wait right there.
Miss Frenchy, the water man's here on fishy business.
What are you talking about?
Oh.
Now hold on, ma'am. Hold on now. Don't start throwin' anything.
- I just come over here to apologize. - Apologize for what?
For not knowin' who's the real boss of Bottleneck.
My coffee, Clara.
Don't let me interfere with your dinner, ma'am.
- It's breakfast. - Breakfast, huh?
Kinda late in the day for breakfast, isn't it?
Uh...
mind if I, uh, sorta sit down and visit for a while?
- Suit yourself. - Thank you.
- Does he get some? - I don't mind if I do join you in a cup.
That's sorta what I was hopin' for ‒ you know, a chance to get neighborly.
So you found out what's good for yourself, huh?
Well, I came here to do a certain job
and I sort of figured I'd better start usin' a little horse sense, you know.
Course, I coulda come bargin' in here with all sorts of remarks,
like, uh... couple of rumors I just heard about you.
That you not only sing down at that saloon,
but you also take part in crooked poker games,
cheatin' folks out of their ranches.
- Who said that? - It's just a rumor, of course, you know.
It ain't true.
Anybody with half an eye could see you wouldn't be party to any action like that.
I'll take that.
I wouldn't want to have this coffee spilt in my lap, would I?
Just what are you getting at?
Well, when you have hot coffee spilt in your lap,
you sorta get up quick and turn your back and...
you never know what's gonna happen, do you?
- Now you get out! Get out! Clara! - All right. All right.
- [Clara] I'm comin'! - Hold your fire.
Hold your fire. I'm goin'.
I've seen hundreds like you, all the way from Jacksonville to Sacramento.
You all think easy pickin's will last forever.
Mind your own business. You're heading for trouble.
- Trouble is my business. - You'll have plenty from me.
I do as I like in this town, understand?
And anyone who gets in my way is taken care of.
- Like they took care of Keogh? - Yes, just like that.
That's what I thought.
- What are you going to do? - Don't get scared.
I'm not scared of anything. You get out of town before it's too late.
Come on, I don't think you're half as bad as you make out to be.
- Never mind what I am. - No.
I bet you got kind of a lovely face under all that paint there.
Why don't you wipe it off someday and have a good look.
Figure out how you can live up to it.
[Clara] That's the peculiarest-actin' man I ever did see.
But he's got personality.
Mmm. He sure has.
[women chattering]
- What's that thing? - It's one of the new chamois skins.
- Takes the shine off your nose. - Well, land sakes! What'll they ‒
Look, girls. Look at that.
Chamois skins. Takes the shine off your nose, she says.
- Look! Isn't that lovely? - [all chattering]
You should've seen the parasol that came with it.
- About the size of a pie. - Ohh! It must've been darling.
Better make the most of it today. Everybody in town'll copy it by tomorrow.
Including your wildcat friend across the street.
I'd like to make a dress for her ‒ half tar and half feathers.
[all chuckling]
You came out on the coach with Mr. Destry. What's your opinion of him?
I know little about him.
Apparently very nice. Certainly different from the men you meet out in this country.
I'll say he's different. Course I may be a little prejudiced.
After all, it's hard to judge character through eight gallons of water.
- [all laughing] - [knocking]
Mrs. Callahan, may I speak to you just a moment, please?
Certainly, Mr. Loupgerou. Come right in.
That is a little bit impossible. Would you please come over here?
- Uh, excuse me, girls. - Certainly.
What's the matter?
Prunes every day for breakfast, I don't mind.
Torn sheets I've got used to.
- But pants, I cannot swallow. - What are you talkin' about?
- Pants. Mine are gone. - Oh.
Oh! [embarrassed chuckle]
Don't go away.
Boris.
- Ouch! - Take off them pants.
[groaning]
Now listen here, my little sugar plum, y'all can't do this to me.
I'll "y'all" you, you misfit Cossack you. Take off them pants.
Now listen, Lily "Bellichka," I can't keep goin' around without pants.
You ain't goin' around. Take off them pants.
Oh, how can I learn to be a cowboy if you won't let me go out and gamble?
A fine gambler you are.
You oughta be ashamed of yourself, losin' your pants.
- Callahan, may he rest in peace ‒ - [speaking Russian]
What? Well, he may have had his faults, but at least when he gambled, he won.
I'm sick of Callahan!
I'm sick of hearing his name! Worse, I'm sick of wearing his name!
All I want to do is to be a cowboy and wear my own pants.
Well, you won't get 'em. Just sit there and gaze on them features.
And let 'em be a lesson and a guidin' star to ya.
[door slams]
Ai-yi-yi-yi-yi. [speaking Russian]
Here's your pants. And please watch them a little closer after this.
You watch your husband. I'll watch my pants.
- [woman] Mrs. Callahan! - Whoa!
- [screaming] Mrs. Callahan! Aah! - [gasps]
My land, Mrs. Drewitt. What's happened? You look like you'd seen a ghost.
Sophie and Lem Claggett are outside. Kent has put 'em out of their home.
- [gasps] - Oh!
[people chattering, murmuring]
[Sophie] We'd have been all right if we'd kept shootin' instead of sendin' for him!
They had the law on their side, Mrs. Claggett.
The law? I got something to say about that.
Keep out of this. It's none of your affair.
It is my affair. Kent's got ahold of every ranch in the valley
and he wants to charge two bits for every head of cattle.
Oh, talk, talk, talk! All you men do is talk.
And when the time comes, you do what Kent says.
Lily Belle, maybe Destry knows what he's a-doin'.
It's time the decent people of this town joined up and got rid of them hoodlums.
Start in with that watery-eyed sheriff
and that gun-shy, lady-fingered deputy of his.
I heard what you just said, Tyndall, comin' down the street here.
What are you gonna do about it?
The first thing we'd better do is ask Mrs. Callahan
if she'll take care of the Claggetts and then help 'em in.
- Don't turn your back on me, you. - Jack, please.
I ain't one of your weak-livered citizens
that busts out cryin' every time you snap your fingers,
and I ain't gonna pay Kent's fancy prices.
What do you aim to do about it?
- Nothin' at present. - That's what I thought.
Well, I'll get somethin' done, if I have to take the law in my own hands!
Nobody's gonna set themselves up above the law around here. You understand?
I got somethin' to say to you.
Think maybe I could illustrate it better if I told you a story.
I used to have a friend that was an opry singer,
but he went into the cement business, and one day he fell into the cement.
And now he's the cornerstone of the post office in St. Louis, Missouri.
He should've stuck to his own trade.
You'd better stick to yours.
That fella Tyndall is gonna make trouble, as sure as I'm standin' here.
- Now, what are we gonna do about it? - What do you say we get ready for supper?
How can you talk of eatin' at a time like this?
- 'Cause I'm hungry. - 'Cause you're hungry.
I suppose I'm supposed to stand he ‒ Ohh!
[Wash grumbles]
Well.
Believe it or not, I'm waiting for a stagecoach.
Uh-huh. What are my pants doing on your legs?
These are the legs of a Stavrogin of Bardichev.
Let your pants remain on them and earn their gratitude.
Refuse and take their curse.
I think I'll take both the curse and the pants.
- Oh. - Well, take 'em off.
- You mean, right now? - Yeah, right now.
The whole world's against me.
Wait a minute. Hold on here. Might be able to make a deal with you.
How well do you know this country around here?
Oh! Like a field mouse. I know every inch, every pebble.
There isn't a twig, bird or a tree that ‒
I'll give you the pants if you do a little job for me.
Agreed! What can I lose? Only the job. Command me!
- I want you to find something for me. - [chuckles] I'm a weasel. I'm a hawk.
I've got the memory of an elephant, the heart of a lion.
I don't need the whole menagerie.
All I need is one human bloodhound who can keep his mouth shut.
Then I'll be your bloodhound, sniffing and silent. What's missing?
The body of Sheriff Keogh.
Take back your pants.
What do you want to find the body of Keogh for?
We can't prove a murder's been done if we can't produce a corpus delicti.
Corpus delicti! I thought you were lookin' for Keogh.
Boris is gonna make a very good second deputy.
Sure, sure! I might as well have two loony deputies as one!
A deputy!
Deputy Stavrogin! Observe my brain in action!
Now, where would I go if I were a dead body?
Would I stay out in the open? No. No privacy.
Mm-hmm. Wouldn't go in the river if you can't swim.
Ohh! Why didn't I stay in the gutter where I was well-off?
That's right! Would I go under the ground? No, there's no future in it!
[orchestra playing upbeat tune]
Miss Frenchy, honey, you know that blue dress?
Mm-hmm.
Well, you can't wear it no more. It's got beer on it.
All right, you can have it, if it fits you.
- It does. - [door opens]
- Mr. Kent, if you're mad at me about ‒ - Shut up!
- You have any callers at the house today? - Men, women or children?
Start acting smart and I'll slap you around. Did ya or didn't ya?
- Who, for instance? - Destry, for instance.
Why not?
That's better. When I ask a question, I like a direct answer.
- What was the conversation? - All of it?
- All of it. - Well, let me see. I said hello.
No, he said hello. And then I said, "Won't you sit down?" Then he sat down ‒
What did he come for? Get to that part of it quick!
- Because he's a gentleman. - That's a lie.
- I could prove it to anybody but you. - Are you actin' smart?
- He came to apologize. - Is that all?
That's all he had time for. He was in a hurry to go.
Just like you are... now.
If I ever catch you stackin' 'em on me I'll personally put the lights out.
Then I won't know you from anyone else in the game.
My, my, he just ain't got no personality at all, is he?
Where you goin', Miss Frenchy?
I'm going outside and see what fresh air smells like.
[piano playing honky-tonk tune]
Watch close and follow any of that gang that comes out.
- I don't get you. - We can't find the missing body, can we?
The next best thing is to have the missing body find us.
- Oh. - Keep your eyes open.
Oh, when I was a deputy, I could think.
Now I'm sheriff, I'm all fuddled.
You're fuddled, I'm fuddled, he's fuddled. Let's go home! Please!
Take your hands off of me and do as you're told.
He knows what he's doin'.
[Frenchy] Got a match?
Hello there. Sure.
- What, you been throwin' things again? - How did you know?
I read a book once that said women always look their best
in the peace and quiet that follows a storm of violence.
That's pretty good.
Would've been much nicer if you'd thought of that yourself.
Well, as a matter of fact, I did.
- Going in the saloon? - Yeah.
- Business or pleasure? - Business.
So you won't take my advice, huh?
You mean leave town now? I'm just beginning to like it.
Take my rabbit's foot. Keep away from dark corners.
I see now why you don't need guns and why I can't get my cattle through.
Let me tell you somethin', Destry.
Nobody's gonna rob me.
I'm takin' 'em through in spite of you, Kent, or anybody else.
Oh, now, I wouldn't do that if I were you. You know, that's trespassin'.
You're cuttin' in on Kent two or three different ways, aren't ya?
Whoopee! Quiet.
You'll live.
Evenin', Mayor Slade. Sorta hopin' to find you here.
- I'd like to have a private talk with you. - Sit down, son. Sit down.
Now... you have me surrounded here, huh?
What's on your mind?
Well, Mayor, I don't think we're gettin' the cooperation we should be gettin'.
- No? Your move. - Oh.
Let's see, uh... there.
No, I, uh ‒ I don't think it's Wash and me.
- Course, it might be. - Hmm.
- But, uh ‒ - Crown that.
Oh.
Seems every time we ask a question,
folks either just shut up or walk away like they'd never heard us.
My guess is that they just don't cotton to their sheriffs.
Uh-huh.
Well, you're probably right.
Looks like I'm gonna take one of your men.
Evidently Sheriff Keogh wasn't very popular either.
Was he?
Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
You oughta jump me here.
Every time I mention his name,
it's sorta like I was talkin' about a ghost.
Crown that.
[orchestra plays fanfare, introduction]
- [gunshot] - [applause]
I don't wanna miss this. I'll finish with you later.
[orchestra concludes introduction]
- Everybody thirsty? - [all] Yeah!
Bartender!
[orchestra begins playing]
♪ See what the boys In the back room will have ♪
♪ And tell them I'm having the same ♪
♪ Go see what the boys In the back room will have ♪
♪ And give them the poison they name ♪
♪ And when I die, don't spend my money ♪
♪ On flowers and my picture in a frame ♪
♪ Just see what the boys In the back room will have ♪
♪ And tell them I sighed ♪
♪ And tell them I cried ♪
♪ And tell them I died of the same ♪
♪ And when I die, don't buy a casket ♪
♪ Of silver with the candles all aflame ♪
♪ Just see what the boys In the back room will have ♪
♪ And tell them I sighed ♪
- ♪ And tell them I cried ♪ [warbles] - [laughing]
♪ And tell them I died of the same ♪
♪ And when I die, don't pay the preacher ♪
♪ For speaking of my glory and my fame ♪
♪ Just see what the boys In the back room will have ♪
♪ And tell them I sighed ♪
- ♪ And tell them I cried ♪ [warbles] - [laughing]
♪ And tell them I died of the same ♪
- Yeee-ahooo! - [applause, cheering]
The mayor tells me you've been asking around about Keogh.
Oh, well, we figured as long as we had a sheriff's office
we might as well do something.
- Now look. If I was you ‒ - I'll be back in just a minute.
- Now, I liked that. - Good. Then you can buy me a drink, huh?
- Fine. - That's all for now, boys.
That's the idea of the song, you know ‒ get me a free drink.
I sorta gathered that.
- You liked it, huh? - Yeah, it was all right.
I'll sing it again for you. Hit the music!
I'm telling you now: Keogh left town.
Yeah, well, that's what I say.
Then again we thought he maybe left somethin' behind.
You know... like a body, maybe.
Oh, of course, of course.
Naturally, you couldn't prove no case without one, could ya?
That's right, Mayor, that's right.
But suppose we knew where there was one?
It's in pretty good condition too.
That's a fine, lively conversation when a lady wants a drink.
- Come on, take me over to the bar. - Wait a minute.
You stay right where you are.
I haven't settled up with Destry yet about that big favor he did me out at the ranch.
That calls for some wine. The best.
Sit down.
Well, that's mighty nice of Mr. Kent. Sit down and have some wine.
Ice up some of that wine of mine, send it over to the table.
[quietly] Run out to the place, see if it's gone.
Come on, hurry it up, will ya?
I bet if the thing's gone, Destry's in on it.
If he is, can I personally slap him in the mouth with my pistol?
- Wouldn't wanna hit a dead man, would ya? - Yeah ‒ No!
I don't know.
Uh-oh.
Now!
That fella Kent reminds me of a friend of mine back in Kansas City.
He was a great wine drinker.
Every time he'd come into town with a new load of stock,
he'd rush right to the first saloon ‒ didn't matter what saloon it was.
I had a friend in Louisiana like that.
Only every time he came to town he went to the nearest oyster house.
Eat a hundred oysters.
I'm sorry. I interrupted you.
Well, I don't think there's much point to my story. A hundred oysters?
Yes, and everybody told this friend of mine
not to eat oysters in July,
but he wouldn't listen.
What's the point to that?
He found a pearl... that big.
- Oh, that's good. - No, it was bad. The oyster, I mean.
Killed him.
Who got the pearl?
I did.
Will you stop chewing that tobacco?
[man] Everybody line up for the square dance!
- [man] Everybody! - [orchestra playing square dance]
- [man calling square dance] - [whistles]
Better go easy on this stuff if I wanna do any sheriffin' tomorrow.
Might take the day off. Eh, Mayor?
Might.
Well, might as well go the whole hog as not.
How about you and me havin' a dance together, Frenchy?
Oh. All right, Kent?
- Sure. Go right ahead. - Come on.
- [hooting, cheering] - [man continues calling square dance]
[Frenchy] I warned you.
- I still have the rabbit's foot. - You're going to need it.
- Is it a big, strong rabbit? - I hope so.
- [music stops] - [man stops calling dance]
Just a minute, folks!
I hate to interrupt the festivities like this, but I got official business.
You know, Wash ‒ I mean, the sheriff and me
have been pestering you folks with a lot of questions
about the former sheriff Keogh.
- [crowd murmuring] - And we ‒ Now, hold on now. Don't go away.
We ain't gonna ask no more questions...
because Wash has just found the answer.
And, uh... one other thing.
All the relatives and friends of Gyp Watson
are hereby notified that he's over in the jail...
charged with murder.
That's all.
My brother didn't have nothin' to do with it!
- Who did? - Well, I'll tell you who ‒
I thought you were through askin' questions.
Now, don't get excited. Don't get excited.
- He's not hanged yet. - And he ain't gonna be.
- You get over there and turn him loose. - I can't do that until after the trial.
Maybe by then he can sort of try and explain what he was doin'
when the sheriff found him with the body.
Oh, I'm sure Kent didn't know you had evidence like that, Deputy.
I think we got a pretty good case, Mayor.
- Darned near airtight, I'd say. - Hmm.
Well, that's mighty fine work.
And just to make sure that there won't be no miscarriage of justice,
as chief magistrate...
I'm gonna try this case myself.
Oh.
And all you citizens here present,
please report at my office tomorrow so we can select a jury.
Everything's going to be regular.
- Very regular. - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, well, thanks, Mayor.
But I'd better call you Judge now, hadn't I?
I sorta had a feeling I could count on you.
- Anytime, son. Anytime. - Yeah, all right.
- Thanks for the wine, Kent. - It's all right.
Frenchy.
Thanks for the, uh... dance.
Pretty good rabbit.
[cattle mooing]
[men shouting]
Ready to start bringin' my cattle through. Do I pay you off?
That's what I'm here for.
- How many head have you got? - Oh, around 10,000, I reckon.
Let's see. At two bits a head, that's $2,500.
Yeah. I'll pay you for the whole bunch right now.
- [gunshot] - [cattle mooing]
I don't care what the law says or anybody says.
I brought those cattle through, I didn't pay a penny,
I ain't gonna pay, and nobody's gonna make me!
Jack Tyndall, you're the most stubborn, ornery, mule-headed ‒
"Self-opinionated" is a good word.
Self-opinionated bully I ever saw or heard of.
Hey, lady, can't you call him all them names without bein' so noisy?
I'm tryin' to sleep.
Gyp, it ain't polite to interfere with family quarrels.
Now, go right ahead, Miss Tyndall.
It's like talking to a stone wall. I give up.
Well, that's too bad.
Sheriffin's getting to be quite a problem around here.
He won't talk, he won't listen.
You know, if your brother doesn't pay that $2,500 he owes to Kent,
- I don't know what's gonna happen to him. - Nothing's gonna happen to me.
I can take care of myself.
Lot of things are gonna happen around this town, though.
- You could sue and recover the money. - Sue Kent with Slade on the bench?
- [chuckles] You must think I'm awful dumb. - [Gyp] Ain't it the truth.
- I won't pay a plug nickel now or ever. - All right, I give up. I give up.
Miss Tyndall, I want to thank you for coming over here
and tryin' to help out.
We'll, uh ‒ We'll all be here for quite some time,
so I just want you to feel free to drop over any time at all.
- Matter of fact, I hope you will. - It's here! It's here!
I got it! I got it! I got the letter ‒ Oh, excuse me.
It's in my pocket.
- Hello, Miss Tyndall. Aren't you pretty. - Hello, Mr. Callahan.
Here's your fodder.
[Gyp] Cheese. Cheese!
Cheese for breakfast, cheese for lunch!
Tell my brother to stop sending me cheese!
- I ain't no mouse! - [Boris] I tell him.
- This may change his mind. Tyndall! - Yeah?
Read that.
Now maybe you can understand why I want you to pay Kent the money.
And if you can just keep from gettin' your fool head shot off
until that judge gets here,
I can get my murderer and you can get your money back.
All right. I'll go pay him now.
Well, now we're gettin' somewhere.
Uh, hold on now.
You might run into some trouble over there. We'd better send Boris.
Command me. Nothing can tempt me from my duty.
- Where are we gonna pick up the money? - Wells Fargo. I'll write you a draft.
As soon as you get the money, give it to Kent with Tyndall's compliments.
- And get a receipt. - Yes, mon commandant.
I am a courier, fast as lightning, silent as the night itself.
- [clicks heels] - [Gyp] And no more cheese.
[Slade] According to the provisions of the statutes
of our territorial commonwealth,
you gentlemen of the jury have been selected
as representative citizens of our fair community.
We want to see that the public's faith is justified.
So when you boys retire to consider a verdict,
stay out for a while.
Mr. Kent will see that you're plentifully provided with liquid refreshment.
And after you've deliberated sufficient,
weighed all the evidence fair and square
and brought in a verdict of not guilty,
you'll be amply rewarded.
- You understand? - Okay, boss.
- We gotcha, Mayor. - We understand.
That's all. Drinks on the house.
[chattering]
Mr. Kent.
- Well, what do you want? - Uh, nothing.
That is, I was sent to deliver $2,500 in cash, compliments of Mr. Tyndall.
Well, he's gettin' smart to himself, huh?
Mr. Destry had something to do with this, didn't he?
I'm a mummy, I'm a sphinx. I don't answer questions.
- [chuckles] Well, let's have the money. - First you have to sign the receipt.
What?
- That is, if you don't mind. Please? - Give me that money.
It's a mighty fine thing when a man realizes he's wrong
and tries to correct it in a nice way.
Give it to him, Kent.
I see we've got some very intelligent peace officers in this town, Stavrogin.
I'm trying to live up to the blood of my forefathers.
[clicks heels]
[Slade] Funny. It's not like Tyndall to give in so easy.
Hey, you. You keepin' my brother comfortable?
- He's very delicate. - He's doing as well as can be expected.
But he told me to tell you, no more cheese.
- Did he say that? - I'm quoting his every word.
Gee, that's bad if he don't want no more cheese.
- They're not gonna hang him, are they? - Unfortunately, that is not up to me.
- It's up to Judge Murtaugh. - [chuckling] That's good.
Judge Murtaugh? H ‒
Hey, Mayor, who is this Judge Murtaugh? What's he got to do with my brother?
- Clara! - Yes'm, Miss Frenchy?
- Go tell Mr. Destry I want to see him. - Is somethin' the matter?
- Will you go? - I'm gone.
- Hey, you. - [snoring]
[clanging continues]
Oh, you. What do you want now?
[Gyp] I want beer, but I'll take water.
Why is it you always get thirsty when I get to sleep?
I ain't answering nobody nothin' till I see my lawyer.
Do I get the water or don't I?
I'll give you water, you varmint you!
- Now, Wash, hold up now. - Oh, please!
- No, no, no. - Oh, you're always coddling 'em.
We gotta keep him good and healthy.
You better keep me good and healthy. That's the law.
Yes, sir.
Wouldn't want to hang a sick man... would we?
You still think you're gonna hang me?
What, you think you're gonna get out of it because you're innocent?
I ain't sayin' who's innocent or who's guilty.
Uh-huh.
Well, I always say you got to admire a man who'd get himself hanged for a friend.
- I used to know a fella once ‒ - You know too many fellas, Destry.
Mm-hmm. Well, I'll hang this up here.
Wash can get some sleep.
Here's good health to ya.
[yawning]
I ain't gonna have a good night's rest until that federal judge gets here.
Well, Wash, why don't you go on home? I'll entertain our guest.
No, sirree, I'm gonna sit up with that two-legged cactus
and pour water into him until lilies sprout out of both his ears.
Be a very interesting sight.
Tom... do you think this is gonna work out?
Sure it's gonna work.
Now you see, either Gyp or his brother are gonna tell us a lot
as soon as they find out that Slade ain't gonna be on the bench.
- Yeah. Uh-huh. [yawning] - You understand?
Oh, yeah.
I think this old town's gonna settle down
into something pretty peaceful one of these days.
- [banging on window] - What's that?
[banging continues]
- Somebody at the window there. - Here.
Nah, we settled that.
Well, I'll be right behind you in case you're wrong.
Mr. Destry, Miss Frenchy say she want to see you right away.
- She says it's very important. - All right.
- Listen, Tom, I ‒ - You hold the fort, Wash.
Don't worry none about me. I will.
- Good evening. - Nice of you to come.
- The maid said it was important, so I... - It is.
- That's all, Clara. - Yes'm.
Sit down.
Drink?
All right.
- What's the trouble? - Trouble? There's no trouble.
I'm leaving town, and I wanted to see you before I left.
Well, that's pretty sudden, ain't it?
Did something happen between you and ‒
I mean... you and the dance hall decide to part company?
No, nothing has happened.
I'm tired of Bottleneck, the whole crowd and everything I've been doing.
- So I'm going back to New Orleans. - Uh-huh.
Well, folks are all gonna miss you around here.
All except a few wives, I suppose.
What about you?
Me too.
- Well, good luck. - [glasses clink]
- Hope you have a nice trip. - Thanks.
Speakin' of luck, thanks for the use of your rabbit's foot.
No, I want you to keep that.
Well, that's darn nice of you.
It's been a great help, you know.
I think I'd better get back to the job.
Goodbye, Frenchy.
Ever been to New Orleans, Tom?
No.
It's wonderful this time of the year.
You'd like it there.
How about it?
[gunshots]
No, Tom, you can't go out there! They know all about the federal judge!
They'll kill you if you go down to the jail!
Stay here, Tom! Stay here!
They'll kill you if you go down to the jail! Stay here, Tom! Stay here!
- Hey, Wash. - Well, Tom, they came.
- I was ‒ - No, don't do any talkin' now. Just rest.
I'll talk if I want to. For a little while, anyway.
- All right, go on and talk. - [chuckles]
I bet you knew a fella once who did something like falling asleep
when he oughta have kept awake, didn't ya?
- Huh? - Well, uh ‒
Yeah, I... I knew a fella.
Lived down around Wichita. He ‒
- He was a sort of ‒ - [groaning]
Does it hurt?
Don't hurt much, but it makes me so doggone mad.
- Wash. Wash. - [groaning]
Uh, well, go on. Go on.
What happened to the fella in Wichita?
Oh, uh...
Oh, well, h-he ‒
H-He was a, uh...
oh, a great, big, green sort of a punkin roller,
you know, and h-h-he just ‒
[chuckles] This better be good.
Yeah.
W-Well, you see, he, uh, tried to keep awake one night
when he was gonna catch a stage over to a nearby town and he ‒
He had a girl over there he was courtin', Wash, and ‒
[chuckles] Man must be an awful fool to get shot in the back.
- If I'd just ‒ - Wait a minute, Wash.
Now wait a minute.
You know, that's how they shot my father.
They didn't dare face him either.
They didn't give us a chance, did they?
- No. - Oh, I'm sleepy.
Plumb tuckered out.
That Gyp has kept me awake... too much.
Got some men here that'll back you up, Destry.
All right. Let's get down to the corral.
Why do you just stand here like sheep? Why don't you stop them?
- Get out of here! - Go back where you belong.
- Wherever I belong, I don't pretend. - You shut your mouth.
I wouldn't wait for my man to get killed without doing something.
- Will you get out of here! - Wait a minute!
- What can we do? - I'll tell you what you can do. Let me go.
[chattering]
They're gatherin' at the corral!
[Kent] Barricade the doors! Chairs, tables, up against the windows!
- Go upstairs! - [all shouting]
Grab these tables!
As soon as the powder goes off, come out quick with the wagons.
All right.
[gunshots]
Come on, get that barricade up, will ya!
[gunfire]
- Are you women crazy? Get back! - Get out of the way, you women!
Get back! Back!
- You can't do that! - [all shouting]
Ladies, you can't do this! It ain't legal! I ‒
Ladies, ladies! This constitutes rioting ‒
Look out, Tom! Tom!
Tom!
[shouting continues]
Look out, Tom!
Look out, Tom! Tom!
- Look out, Tom! Look out! - [gunshot]
[gunshot]
Frenchy! Frenchy!
Tom. Tom.
[gasping] Tom.
Oh, Tom.
[sobbing]
Would you kiss a fellow... goodbye?
[cows mooing]
- Good morning, Tom. - Good morning, Charlie.
- Fine day. - Yes, it is.
Yes, it is.
- Howdy, Tom. - Howdy, Hank.
Howdy, Hank.
- [woman] Don't forget Sunday, Tom. - I'll be there.
We'll be there.
- [blows] - [blows]
Eli, did you ever hear the story about Sawtooth McGee?
Right at that post there he ‒
You mean the one where he fit his neighbor into a draw over a petticoat?
Yeah, that's the one.
Aw, everybody's heard that one.
- Wash sure could make 'em up, couldn't he? - Yep.
- [woman] Morning, Tom. - Good morning.
Morning. Did he tell you the one where he stopped a tribe of Injuns single-handed?
- I guess I missed that one. - It was like this, see.
- He was scoutin' one morning... - [children] ♪ Little Joe, Little Joe ♪
...and he come face-to-face with a whole tribe of Injuns.
He didn't have nothin' on him except his bowie knife.
♪ Sure did like his liquor And it would've got his ticker ♪
- ♪ But the sheriff got him quicker ♪ - [all] Yahoo!
- ♪ Little Joe ♪ - [children] Little Joe!
- ♪ Little Joe ♪ - Little Joe!
♪ Oh, whatever's become of him I don't know ♪
She don't know!
♪ Oh, he sure did like his liquor And it would've got his ticker ♪
- ♪ But the sheriff got him quicker ♪ - [all] Yahoo!
Oh! Tom!
- What's the trouble? - Boris! Miss Callahan!
- [crashing] - [shouting in Russian]
[Lily Belle] Don't you ever ‒ Stop! Stop! No!
[shouting, crashing]
- Ohh! Sheriff, he's gone mad! - [shouting]
Who wouldn't be mad?
How would you like to wake up in the morning and hear the birds singing
and then find the face of an ex-husband looking down upon you?
Would you? No! Rather a hundred years in the salt mines!
- Aah! Aah! - Ohh!
Well, the old regime is over
and the new regime is here.
Boris Alexandrovich Stavrogin is the head of his own house!
- Come here! - [gasps]
Gaze upon them features! Gaze!
- What's your husband's name? - Uh... well ‒
- Huh? - Boris Stavrogin.
Well, let's see that you don't forget!
I'm sorry, Tom, but it sounded like murder at least.
Oh, well, that's probably just the Russian way of expressin' somethin'.
- You know, speakin' of marriage, Janice ‒ - Yes, Tom?
I had a friend once that happened...
[no audible dialogue]