It was nice being out of my coma and back where I belonged,
but I couldn't get Billie off my mind.
I was pretty sure karma wanted me to find her.
It's official--
there's only two Billie Cunninghams in the phone book,
and neither of those guys thinks he's my soul mate.
Billie, Billie, Billie...
don't you want to hear what's been going on with us?
Randy was our town crier while you were comatose.
That's actually a clever play on words, in that he both
recorded the town happenings and cried a lot.
Read the list, dumb-dumb.
I got a notepad, I got a paper cut,
fire marshal kicked Joy and family out of their sideways trailer.
That's right, dip van winkle,
the trailer's still on its side since you knocked it over,
so now we live in the Crab Shack.
I'm telling you, you gotta carry the three.
This is my spelling homework.
Joy, I promise i'll get your trailer
tipped right side up as soon as I get enough money to rent a crane.
A raccoon fought a opossum for half a bag of french fries
in the motel parking lot.
A fry got left behind.
I ate a fry.
Oh... And I'm a lesbian.
Catalina, it's not your turn yet.
Did I just hear chiquita banana say she isn't into bananas anymore?
What happened, you get a bad banana?
It wasn't the bananas, it was the trees who waggle them around.
In the wizard of Oz, the trees threw apples.
Trees are bastards.
All my men are bastards:
My father, who gambled me away in a foosball game,
and my childhood sweetheart,
who convinced me to come to this country only to abandon me--
Thanks to him, now I live a fairy tale life of a maid and a stripper.
Oh, please, I know what you're up to.
Pretending to be a lesbian will probably double your business at Club Chubby.
When I was in high school,
I told my gym teacher I was a lesbian just to get a "B."
If she hadn't called my bluff in the shower,
I would've gotten an "A."
I'm a real chapstick lesbian.
The only person I want to strip for now is Miss Right.
Well, good luck, I'm looking for my miss right, too.
Damn, Earl, you got Frank's car, you got Frank's trailer.
Now you want Frank's ex?
Why you gotta sleep inside everything that's Frank's?
Joy's little insult gave me an idea.
That's how I'll find Billie:
Frank.
Let's go, Randy.
Finish up your homework, boys.
The crab water's almost cool enough for your bath.
We found out, because of prison overcrowding,
Frank had been sent to a halfway house.
I wasn't looking forward to talking to Frank,
seeing how he used to date Billie and he's crazy,
but he was my only chance of finding her.
Oh, my god.
Hey.
Oh, my god, it's good to see you.
So how are you?
Hungry--
really hungry.
They put tranquilizers in our food to keep us down.
I'm starving.
I actually ate a bar of soap yesterday.
This morning, I pooped bubbles.
Guys were running around popping them.
Hey, it's crazy in here.
You want a little fruit?
I carry apple slices in my pocket now.
We haven't gotten to that page yet.
I gotta say, you're looking good, Frank.
Strong, healthy.
Beautiful necklace.
No, this is not just a necklace.
I learned that the hard way.
Ice cream! Ice cream!
Hey, Paco.
Saludos, Earl, Randy.
I used to deliver for Camden foreign foods.
Being Seņor Lo Mein sucks, doesn't it?
Yes, but if you have a job,
they take your collar off and let you out
of here for eight hours a day.
Why don't you get a job like Paco?
I refuse to dress like a bullfighting yoler and dance like a monkey.
Keep eating slop, genius.
Bye.
So we just, uh, came by to find out how you were doing.
I thought we were here to find Billie, remember?
You said you were scared because Frank used to date her.
You also said that one of us should do all the talking...
it was you-- go ahead, Earl.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, you want to date Billie?
Yes, and... and I just want you to know that karma's on my side,
so if you attack me, something bad will happen to you.
You know what, don't worry about it.
I... I'm over her anyway.
Really? You're really over her?
Yeah, plus she's living a good life now, like you.
It'd be like if Mother Theresa started dating that bald guy in the diapers.
What... What's his name?
Gumby!
Thanks, Frank, that means a lot.
So, can you help me find Billie?
Yeah, yeah, I can do that, but you gotta help me first.
I need a job, so I can get out of here every day.
Maybe we can get him a job as a bikini inspector.
I've seen uniforms on sale at the mall.
Or he could be a beaver hunter,
but you might need a license for that.
I knew I needed Frank's help,
so went to see if Darnell would be willing to hire him.
He won't even be around to bother you,
'cause he'll be helping me find Billie.
Are you sure the boys are okay?
I told them they were bunk beds, and they believed me.
Starting to realize there's no point in saving up for college.
I'll hire Frank if it's okay with Joy.
The man did point a gun at her belly when she was delivering a baby.
It wasn't my baby, I don't give a crap.
Oh, come on, who calls a bar after 7:00?
We got kids sleeping!
The next day, Frank was officially employed
and pretty excited to get a little taste of freedom.
Frank thought the best place to look for Billie was her cousin, Jocelyn's.
You have a lot of nerve thinking you can walk
in here and ask me for a favor, dirtbag.
Did I mention that I may have had sex with
Jocelyn while me and Billie were on a short break?
No, you did not.
Because he's too much of a gentleman.
I'm gonna go for a run.
So have you heard from Billie?
I may have.
Come on, Jocelyn, baby, don't be pissed.
Besides, me and Billie are over, and you are looking so fine, girl.
You know, she has the most incredible feet.
Go ahead, show him your feet.
Let him see them.
Frank.
She stayed here for a while after
she got kicked out of nursing school for cheating.
Mmm, there they are.
There is the stuff right there, girl.
Cheating?
Billie was living a good life.
My diabetic ass--
that girl's been going nuts.
She stole my rent money, siphoned my gas,
and then robbed a liquor store on christmas day.
I mean, who holds someone at gunpoint on Jesus's birthday?
Billie hit me on Christmas day.
She was probably running from the liquor store.
Sounds like your girl's gone back to the dark side.
Come here and take a look at these little sausages.
They're fantastic.
Jocelyn, do you have any idea where Billie is now?
She called a week or so ago, needing help.
Same old story.
You can check my caller id if you want.
This little piggy went to the market,
this little piggy stayed home.
Jocelyn, you remember where this little piggy went?
We didn't know how to trace the caller id number,
so we went to the only person we knew
who had access to the world wide web.
Yeah, it seemed like karma was bringing Billie to me as a reward,
but now I realize karma was also bringing me to Billie.
I think I'm supposed to help her get her life back on track.
Karma wants her to be our girlfriend.
Ah, that couldn't be more romantic if manilow sang it in a bubble bath.
Oh, here's the number.
Oh, looks like it's a pay phone.
Hey, what's this website you got covered up?
What's a dilf?
Oh, uh, uh...
that's, uh...
dads I'd like to find.
I... I've lost touch with the fathers of some of my childhood friends.
Well, let's check and see if our dad's on there.
Well...
Is that really what dad's doing mom???
Kenny gave us the address for the pay phone,
so we went there and waited, hoping we'd see Billie.
We decided that me and Frank would watch to the south,
Randy would keep an eye on the north.
So, Frank, what does Billie like?
Any tips you can give me to help me out?
Well, she was really into my musky scent.
Yeah, I used to drive her crazy with this move.
Women are complicated.
Stuart?
Oh, hey, Earl.
That's Stuart Daniels, former cop, current bowler.
He was on my list.
Hey, I remember you.
Your, uh...
your mother's the police chief, right?
And your sister's that fiery little redheaded cop
that likes to frisk all the way up to the sack.
Is she seeing anyone?
No...
So what are you doing on my street?
We're looking for a girl, Billie Cunningham.
She hit me with her car.
Haven't seen her.
Turned out Stuart knew more about Billie than he was saying.
Stuart first met Billie when he hit her with his car.
Oh, crap.
He started visiting her, because he was feeling guilty.
But as he spent more time with her, he started to feel other things.
Stuart had once hit a dog,
brought it home and nursed it back to health,
and he thought, if the dog grew to love him,
why couldn't Billie?
And finally, Billie woke up.
So, no one knows who hit me?
Total mystery,
and since you don't remember,
I guess we'll never know.
No, the only thing I remember is hitting Earl.
Is he okay?
I'm the one who found you.
I've been watching over you.
Do you need a place to stay?
I've got my own room.
Is Earl okay?
Uh, what if he was?
I mean, how would you feel?
Happy.
But me, how would you feel about me?
Would you stay with me?
I don't even know you.
Right.
Earl's dead-- you killed him.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
Stuart told Billie she was in trouble and the cops had been coming every day,
waiting to ask her questions.
And, believing him, she let him sneak her out of the hospital.
He squeezed me, he squeezed me!
Eventually, she got away from Stuart long enough to make a phone call.
Jocelyn, you gotta help me.
I'm sure the cops have been there looking for me.
I'm staying with this really creepy guy.
He wears swim trunks in the shower...
and a baseball hat.
Good luck finding that girl -
I'll keep an eye out for her.
Uh, sorry, I have to go, I have some lettuce I gotta put in the crisper.
The cops are right outside looking for you.
We gotta move.
After two long days of staking out Billie's pay phone,
we finally caught a break.
Unfortunately, it was a bad break.
While we were figuring out what to do next,
Stuart and Billie had already settled into their new hiding place.
Hello.
Did someone order... towels?
Sure, you can just put them right there.
Hi!
I'm Catalina.
And you are?
Roxanne.
You look like you have some tangles in the back.
Would you like me to...
This is nice.
Two girls hanging out,
brushing each other's hair, like God intended.
Did you just lick my neck?
Yes. No. Maybe.
It was a bug.
Did you like it?
I think I'm just go get my clothes on now.
I'm probably coming on too strong.
I'm a new lesbian.
Please call.
Hey! You're that balding guy my friend Earl helped.
He lives two doors down.
I'll let him know you're here.
Hey, Billie,
I just saw the cops outside.
We got to move!
Do I have time to get dressed?
Yes. But no bra and panties.
I didn't know what to do next.
But I'd never been more sure Karma wanted me and Billie to be together.
She's robbing liquor stores on Christmas?
I got to find her. Not just for me,
her life's out of control.
Very interesting, Earl.
How's that crane rental coming?
Hook me up, Darnell.
Damn it, Darnell!
You hit the tonic button.
Now I got to add some gin just to make it taste right.
So what are we gonna do now, Earl?
Where are we gonna find her?
I don't know.
Why don't you ask Karma?
What do I do now, Karma?
How do I find her?
Crab shack/Turner residence.
It's for you.
Hello?
I've got your girl;
get over here fast.
Stuart and Kenny had a unique friendship,
and apparently, Stuart felt like Kenny's would a safe hiding place.
Hi, Stuart.
Oh, who's your ugly friend?
This is, uh, Roxanne.
Stuart told Kenny he was doing some undercover police work
for his mom and Roxanne was a witness
in an upcoming murder trial.
Just say something.
We're live on my blog.
Hello, Kenny's friends.
See? I told you he was funny.
Stuart.
Mom's here.
Is this really the plan?
Am I supposed to just sit around while you two blog each other?
Well, what a little mouth on her.
Kenny, can you keep a secret?
Is it about something you tried in college?
So Stuart told him about Billie and Kenny couldn't pass up
the chance to make their threesome a twosome.
There she is.
How's my breath?
Really warm.
Seeing Billie took my "really warm" breath away.
Unfortunately, seeing Billie seemed to have the same effect on Frank.
I should have known as soon as he heard Billie was bad again,
he'd want her back.
Come on,
let's go get that woman.
For me.
Of course, for you.
Now, if you're nervous, I could go in there and talk to her first.
Th-that's really nice of you.
Yeah.
Yeah, well, I'm a really nice guy.
You know I just realized, I can't talk to Billie now.
I got to go home, get cleaned up,
maybe write down what I want to say.
That, sir, is a great idea.
We'll come back tomorrow.
Well, I guess I should be getting you back to the halfway house.
And again, thank you for your help,
my loyal, honest friend.
Fire him, fire the bastard now.
The next morning, Frank waited to be released for work,
but nobody unlocked him.
Hey. Don't forget to unlock me.
You got fired, champ.
Now who looks ridiculous?
Okay, still me, but at least I, Paco, get to leave.
Bye.
I thought about going to Billie's right after I dropped Frank off,
but I realized I only had one shot to convince Billie she was my soul mate.
I wanted to make sure I got it right.
And even though most of those words were written by Bret Michaels in the '80s,
they're coming straight from my heart.
What do you think?
I think she's gonna lo... bird!
It's not every day you tell a woman you're meant to be together,
but I felt surprisingly calm.
Everything in my life was finally coming together.
Billie's mine!
You can't have her.
Karma wants us together, Frank.
You can't stop this.
Yeah?!
Eat poo, backstabber.
While I had my hands full outside, Billie was in a battle of her own.
I need to go on the run by myself, and I'm gonna need money.
So I'm robbing you, Kenny.
I want to be up front about that.
Billie, please, let's be reasonable, okay?
Think about all I've done for you.
Just like a woman. I'll bet she's on her period.
Tie yourselves up.
Oh, I'll do it.
Billie, where are you gonna find a guy who cares about you as much as I do?
I don't need anyone to care about me.
I can take care of myself.
There's not a lot of rope here.
I know, I'll tie us together.
Face-to-face is probably safest.
Billie, please, let's think...
She is over you!
Can you put in that Moby CD on your way out?
You can't go outside, Billie, the cops are after you.
You murdered Earl Hickey.
Earl?
Not my day.
But I thought I murdered you.
I was just in a coma, but it was beautiful there.
In my mind, I saw you every day and we had a kid and a theme song.
Why are they tied up?
Billie, I love you.
And before you decide which one of us you want to kiss,
you should know that about five minutes ago, Earl ate poo right outside.
What is going on?
Karma brought us together;
that's why you hit me.
We're supposed to be together.
I hit her, too -
maybe Karma brought us together.
Wait, you're the one that hit me?
I was going to tell you.
Stuart, shut up and press tighter against me.
It's the only way we're gonna survive this thing.
There's even $100,000 insurance settlement waiting for you.
All you have to do is sign a form.
I thought we could use it to get married and buy a house?
Hello, lover, your getaway car is here.
I don't believe this.
What are you doing here?
I'm here because I'm in love with her.
I'm in love with her.
- So am I. - Yeah, me too.
Look, Billie, this isn't how I wanted things to go.
I came here wearing a clean shirt and holding flowers.
And I was supposed to be the only person in the room who loved you.
Oh, whatever.
I'm the only person in the room who really knows you.
I mean, who was there when your aunt - what's her name? - died?
You mean my mom.
Yeah, her.
Billie, Karma brought us together for a reason.
I went back to my old ways, you went back to your old ways.
We both got hit.
Karma wants us to be good,
but I think we're supposed to be good together.
Or... we could be bad together.
I learned things in prison that will blow your mind.
Billie, how else can you explain it?
When we both lost our way, we found each other.
I'm sorry, Frank.
I can't go with you.
Or you.
And certainly not you.
Because I'm supposed to be with you.
Fine.
Fine, well...
you know, you should know that you're gonna be saying bye
to the best thing you ever had.
Oh, who am I kidding.
Even I don't believe that.
Hey, best of luck to you, all right?
This isn't the way I thought it would end.
I thought it would end with our naked breasts pressed together,
our long, smooth legs intertwined.
Barf.
You smell great.
Oh, yeah, Frank must have sweated on me when we were fighting.
No. It's not him.
It's you.
Me and Billie had finally found each other,
but we weren't the only ones Karma was looking out for.
I'm gonna die alone in my mother's house.
Or we could die in each other's arms as old men living
in Boca Raton surrounded by Jack Russell terriers.
I love Jack Russell terriers.
And Karma wasn't only connecting new lovers;
it was reconnecting old ones.
Catalina!
Paco!
Like Catalina and her childhood sweetheart.
And a convict and his plus-sized lover.
And Billie did use that $100,000 from Stuart's insurance to get married.
But not to Stuart.
For the third time, I got hitched to a woman I hardly knew.
But much like fifth grade, I think the third time, I got it right.
Finally, life was just where Karma wanted it.
And where I wanted it, too.
Karma Team experts.heberg-forum.net