[歌名A Life Of Illusion]
四十岁的老处男 .
嘿, Andy! 什么事, 伙计? Hey, Andy! What's up, dude?
嘿, Joe. 嘿, Sara. 你们好吗? Hey, Joe. Hey, Sara. How you doing?
你什么时候买车啊? When you going to get a car?
嘿,你为什么不买车啊? 我买不起 - Hey, why don't you get a car? - I can't afford it.
那么, 明晚幸存者游戏我们见了? 回头见 - So, Survivor tomorrow night. We on? - See you then.
我会带苏打水 嘿，好好品尝你的橘子吧 I'll bring a soda. Hey, enjoy your orange.
好, 保重. 回见 - Okay, take care. - See you. Bye-bye.
这家伙需要性生活 和我说一些我不知道的 - That guy needs to get laid. - Tell me something I don't know.
早晨好 Good morning.
抱歉 对不起 Excuse me. Pardon me.
对不起 Sorry.
借过 谢谢 Excuse me. Thank you.
早安 嘿 - Good morning. - Hey.
早晨好, Paula Andy - Good morning, Paula. - Andy.
请问 请教一个问题 Excuse me. I have a question.
Hi8和数字录像带有什么区别? What is the difference between Hi8 and Digital video tapes?
我不是销售人员 所以我可能... I'm not a salesman, so, I could probably...
欢迎光临Smart Tech 有什么需要帮忙的? Welcome to Smart Tech. How can I be of service to you?
恩, 我就是想知道... Well, I was just wondering...
这两个有什么区别? what is the difference between these?
恩, 如果我要录像的效果 像你一样逼真的化... Well, if I'm photographing someone as fine as yourself...
我会选择数字带 I'd probably go Digital.
嘿, 别担心 # Hey, don't worry I've been lied to #
哦，上帝 对不起，我来晚了,伙计 没关系 - My God. Sorry I'm late, man. - No problem.
哦，哥们 Oh, man.
我周末玩得很爽 是吗? - I had a weekend. - Yeah?
我们去了墨西哥的提华纳 你知道... We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know...
我们认为去看表演会很有趣 and we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to this show.
每个人都想看看表演如何 Everyone's, "You gotta check out one of these shows."
知道吗，是一个女人和马干 And, you know, it's a woman fucking a horse.
我们到了哪，我们以为会很可怕... We get there, and, you know, we think it's gonna be awesome...
但是，不想听起来那么酷 and it is not as cool as it sounds like it would be, man.
看起来很粗俗 是啊 - It's kind of gross. - Yeah.
你认为,一个女人和马干... You think, "A woman fucking a horse"...
等你你到了那... and you get there and it's...
结果就是一个女人和马干 噢 - ...a woman fucking a horse. - Yeah.
真是浪费了那个女人 It was really giving it to her.
你知道吗... And you know what...
说实话, 我觉得这对那个女的不好 我们都觉得这对那个女的不好 to be honest, I felt bad for her. We all just felt bad for her.
是啊 对那个马也不好 - Yeah. - Kind of felt bad for the horse.
哇 果然有趣 那么你周末过得如何? - Wow, that's something. - So what did you get up to?
你知道的, 我就是打发时间 我.... You know, I just kind of hung out. I was...
星期五 我回到家... God, Friday, when I went home...
我很想吃一个鸡蛋沙拉三明治 I really wanted an egg-salad sandwich.
我突然非常想吃，我就对自己说 And I was just obsessing about it and I was like:
伙计，自己动手做一个吧 "Man, I'm gonna make one of those."
所以，周六 我出去买东西 我买了, 一打鸡蛋... So Saturday I went out and I got, like, a dozen eggs...
我把鸡蛋都煮了... and I boiled them all and then I just...
我大概,不记得了,大概化了3个小时... I spent, I don't know, probably three hours...
也许3个半小时来做... like, three-and-a-half hours making...
你知道, 蛋黄酱 还有洋葱和胡椒粉... you know, the mayonnaise and the onions and paprika...
你知道，所有的佐料和配菜 and, you know, all the accoutrement.
可是, 当我准备完了... And then, by the time I was done...
我真的感觉不想吃了 I just really didn't feel like eating it.
我能想象得出 而且我也没有面包片 - I can imagine. - And I didn't have any bread.
所以，你知道 过得还不错 很不错的周末 So, you know, it was pretty good. It was a good weekend.
听起来挺可怕 是啊，还可以 - Sounds pretty awesome. - Yeah, it was fine.
听起来真得不错 Sounds really fun.
酷 酷 - Cool. - Cool.
酷 酷 Cool, cool.
嘿, Paula. 什么事 - Hey, Paula. - Yeah.
我要告诉你点事情. 我真的很兴奋 I gotta tell you something. I'm really excited about it.
还是第一次,今天我醒来... For the first time today, I woke up...
我来到商店,我觉得很有信心对你说... I came to the store, and I feel confident to say to you...
如果你不把这个你一直播放了2年的... that if you don't take this Michael McDonald DVD...
的Michael McDonald的DVD拿出来... that you've been playing for two years straight, off...
我会把店里的人都杀了.. I'm going to kill everyone in the store...
然后对自己脑袋开一枪 and put a bullet in my brain.
David, 你建议我播放什么呢? 我不管 任何的都行 - David, what do you suggest we play? - I don't care. Anything.
我宁愿看美女与野兽 I would rather watch Beautician and the Beast.
我宁可听8个小时的Fran Drescher... I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours...
也不要再听Michael McDonald than have to listen to Michael McDonald.
我不是针对他,但是如果我在一次Yah Mo B There... Nothing against him, but if I hear Yah Mo B There one more time...
我就要yah mo放把火把这个地方烧个干净 I'm gonna yah mo burn this place to the ground.
你这个自作聪明的家伙，滚回你干活的地方去 You're such a smart ass. Get back on the floor.
去你妈的 Fuck you.
这个是很棒的电视 等离子是最棒的 This is a great TV. Nothing beats a plasma.
你在干什么? 这是我的客人 What are you doing? That's my customer.
肯定不是 当我走向她的时候，她没人接待 It certainly is not. When I came upon her, she was unattended.
不, 这是我... 等等 - No, that's my... - Wait.
去收款处 请在那里领取 Go to the checkout there. Pick up there, please.
她没人接待 是因为我到后面去.. She was unattended because I went to the back...
拿她要的宣传手册了 to get the brochure that she requested.
我很抱歉, 但是太晚了 I apologize, but it's too late.
处理结束了 The transaction has been completed.
所以奖金的一半你要分给我 Then you're gonna give me half the commission.
你一分钱都别想拿到 You'll receive none of the commission.
我要和Paula谈谈 真是疯了 I need to talk to Paula. This is crazy.
简直是胡扯 This is bullshit.
我每次卖出东西去 你都去对Paula大哭大叫 Every time I make a sale, you go crying to Paula.
Jesse Jackson如何? 老Jesse需要借口 How about Jesse Jackson? Old Jesse needs a cause.
你抢我的客人，真让我恶心 Sick of you poaching my customers.
你这个鼻涕虫也让我恶心 I'm sick of your crybaby bullshit.
你想让这个混蛋滚出去吗? 就带他出去踩扁他? You wanna take this shit outside? Just take it outside and squash it?
我们待在店里 所以每个人就都知道你有多脓包了, 如何? Let's stay inside, so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay?
因为我的刀丛刀鞘中抽出来... Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath...
不沾血就不回鞘 I can't return it until it has spilled blood.
听着, 听我说 你惹错人了 Look, listen to me. You are fucking with the wrong nigger.
嘿!你惹错黑鬼了, 懂吗? Hey! You're fucking with the wrong sun-nigger, okay?
伙计, 我要你的头巾勒死你 Dude, I will hang your old ass by your turban.
头巾? 你看见我有他妈的头巾了吗? Turban now? Do you see any fucking turban here?
我说话像穆斯林吗? Do I talk like a turban guy?
我说,嘿, Jay, 你是否需要拖鞋? 你要拖鞋吗? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, do you want a Slurpee? You want a Slurpee?"
去你妈的 明白吗? 我出生在布鲁克林 Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn.
布鲁克林, 懂吗? Brooklyn, okay?
我有布鲁克林口音, 明白吗? 行吗? My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?
好吧,伙计 冷静, 伙计 All right, man. Calm down, dude.
听着，你还是替我做周五的工还是什么? Look, you still covering my shift on Friday or what?
如果我能得到这次的奖金，我很乐意 If I can keep this commission, with pleasure.
那么 好吧 好吧 没问题 - Cool, then. All right, pop. - No problem.
Andy如何? 不 - How about Andy? - No.
的了, 伙计. 我们要凑5个人... Come on, man. We need, what, five guys...
才能玩牌,对吧? 是啊 - ...to play a decent poker game, right? - Yeah.
如果我们玩不成,我就不得不... If we cancel this, I'm gonna have to go...
和Jill一起去参加一些傻瓜的生日晚会... to some stupid-ass birthday party with Jill...
我可不想那样 and that shit ain't happening.
不 为什么不? - No. - Why not?
他的确是和好人而且我确信... He's a really nice guy and all but I'm pretty sure that...
他是一个连环杀手 he is a serial murderer.
谁在乎, 伙计? 他是个好人 Who cares, man? He's a nice guy.
我就想喝个烂醉 还有打牌 I just wanna get drunk, fucked up, and play some cards.
很好 听着, 我可不想吊死在... That's great. Look, I don't wanna end up a lampshade...
我住的那个公寓的吊灯上 in some creepy apartment, that's what I'm saying.
我看别无选择 I don't really see any other options.
Andy 老兄 Andy. My man.
今天晚上有什么安排吗? You got any plans later on tonight?
怎么了，新到一批索尼CD我们要卸车吗? Why, do we have to unload the Sony truck?
不, 我们大家想聚一下,打打牌... No, the guys are getting together, we're playing some poker...
你要不要来一起玩 thought, you know, you'd wanna play.
和你们? With you guys?
好的, 好吧 Yeah, sure. That would be cool.
你知道怎么玩, 对吧? 知道，我有时会在网上玩 - You know how to play, right? - Yeah, I play online sometimes.
我们晚上在店里玩 很好 - We're gonna play in the store. - Great.
允许我们这么做吗? Are we allowed to do that?
当然不能 是啊 - Absolutely not. - Yeah.
噢 Oh.
那么, 我要告诉Paula Well, so I'm gonna go tell Paula.
开个玩笑 I'm just kidding.
我开玩笑 听起来很棒. 我们今天晚上见 I'm kidding. That sounds great. Cool, I'll see you guys tonight.
好 好的 - Okay. - All right.
哎呀 Oops.
我已经有负罪感了 少来了 - I almost feel guilty. - No, you don't.
下一个! Going down!
Dumbass.
通杀 And a full house.
哦，见鬼! 什么? - Oh, my dukes! - What?
你在网上玩过多少次啊, 哥们? How much fucking online poker do you play, dawg?
如果我不玩轮盘的话 一晚上大概1-2个小时吧 For like an hour or two a night, when I'm not playing Halo.
你们为什么邀请了这家伙来? 他他妈的简直是高手 Why did you invite this guy? He's a fucking ringer, man.
真他妈的见鬼 This is hog shit.
是你, 你这个该死的蠢猪让我来的 You, you're a fucking asshole to tell me to come here.
你不是告诉我他是个好人吗? You tell me he was a nice guy, didn't you?
嗯, 去他妈的吧,你去死吧 还有你，你... Well, fuck you people, and fuck you, you and you...
他妈的都见鬼去吧 fuck and kiss my big brown fucking ass, okay?
明天见 I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
和平 好的, 伙计 - Peace. - All right, man.
见鬼去吧 Fuck a goat.
晚安，我喜欢这家伙 - Good night. - I love that guy.
伙计, 你简直.... 噢, 见鬼, 我要走了. 见鬼 Dude, you totally... Oh, shit, I gotta go. Damn.
马上要去见Ellen About to go see Ellen in a little bit.
现在就走? 凌晨行动 恩? Going now? Late-night action, huh?
哥们，你知道是怎么一回事 Dude, you know how it goes.
你女朋友知道你深夜拜访吗? Does your girlfriend know about all these late-night visits?
这就是一个默许的协议 是啊 It's like an unspoken agreement. Yeah.
就像一个完全没说出口的协议 It's like a completely and utterly unspoken agreement.
如果你认识她, 如果你知道我对付的是谁... If you knew her, if you knew who I was dealing with...
你就不会说这些蠢话了 you wouldn't be saying this shit.
对这个女人你做什么都行... There's nothing you can't do with this woman...
我做了任何事情... straight up and down. I've done every single thing...
我都在创新 我曾经涂上润滑油... I could possibly create. I've literally lubed up...
她给我足交 and made love to the arches of her feet. All right.
哇! 是啊 - Wow! - Yeah.
足交! 真恶心，伙计 - Foot fuck! - That's sick, man.
哇 你的不够恶心 - Wow. - That is not sick.
听听我这个恶心不 哦，见鬼 - I will give you sick. - Oh, shit.
我最近上过一个女人, 她的.... I was sleeping with a woman recently, she had the...
奶子简直难以置信 哦，伙计，我爱奶子 - Her tits were unbelievable. - Oh, man, I love titties.
于是我们就开始做，在我快结束的时候... And so we're doing it and I'm about to finish...
她的狗过来开始舔我的屁眼 and her dog starts licking my ass.
我对上帝发誓, 我必须决定 我是继续完活，还是停下来赶走狗 I swear to God, I have to decide, do I finish or do I stop the dog?
我了解你这个混蛋的 他一定继续然后射了 I know your nasty ass. He finished.
我射了而且我偷走了那条狗 I finished. And then I stole the dog.
不, 我没有, 不过.... No, I didn't, but...
你知道，有些时候Amy和我做爱的时候... You know, sometimes, Amy and I would make love...
感觉就像我们不是两个人... till it was almost like we weren't two people...
二是两个灵魂或者什么 but we were two spirits or something.
我们的灵魂这样相连，我无法形容 Our souls were connected in this way, I can't describe it.
时间在走，就像我们在分享一颗心 Time stood still. It was like we were sharing the same heart.
别说了, 老兄! 你为什么总用你这个故事终结我们的笑话? Stop, man! Why do you always come and kill the vibe with those things?
分享同一颗心，就像... "Sharing the same heart," that's like some...
小甜甜，见鬼，伙计 Britney Spears shit, man.
这三个家伙，不没有人喜欢听这些 This is three grown ass men, don't nobody want to hear that shit.
是啊，伙计 拜托, 没人要听这些 Yeah, man, come on, nobody wants to hear that shit.
谢谢, Andy 兄弟，你们2年前就分手了 Thank you, Andy. Dude, you broke up two years ago.
你总该放下了 2年了，伙计 - You get over it at some point. - Two years, man.
你得忘了她... You need to get past that...
因为没有一个娘们值得如此想念的... because no ass is worth thinking that much about...
我总是这么说 I always say.
Andy,帮我个忙 Andy, do me a favor.
请你帮他挽回他自己 你来讲一个黄色故事 Would you please help him redeem himself by telling a real sex story?
对 Yes.
我不.... 你知道吗, 我很绅士的，我不.... I don't... You know what, I'm a gentleman and I don't...
我不能随便讲那种事情的 I don't kiss and tell.
去死吧, 我下注 讲讲你经历过最下流的事情 Fuck it, I raise you. Nastiest shit you've ever done.
我说下流 I'm talking about nasty.
哇哦 Wow.
现在我脑子中很多故事涌现出来 So many stories are running through my head right now.
我和一个女孩约会... I dated this girl...
有一阵子了 她的确是个下流的变态 for a while, and she was really a nasty freak.
她无时无刻不想躺下来做爱 She just loved to get down with sex all the time.
她就像, 任何时候 她就像 She was like, any time of day, she was like:
让我们来吧 我很下流 "Yeah, let's go. I'm so nasty."
当我插她的时候 And I'd be nailing her.
哦，见鬼 她就像 - Oh, shit. - She'd be like:
哦，你在插我，真酷 "Oh, you're nailing me. Cool."
她对你讲脏话? 哦，她就爱讲脏话 - She talk dirty to you? - She loved to dirty-talk.
完全沉浸其中 她就像 Totally into it. She'd be like:
好棒，插我吧 干我吧 "Yeah, let's screw, let's... I wanna fuck."
上帝,真得很下流 God, it was so dirty.
她就说：我欲火中烧 我和你做爱很长时间 She'd be like, "Me so horny, me love you long time."
所以.... So...
那么她的奶子如何? 是啊, 形容一下她的.... - So what were the titties like? - Yeah, describe her...
是啊，她有一对大奶子 Yeah, she had great tits.
不, 我的意思是 详细点 她是否，就像 你知道的... No, I mean, like, detailed. Did she have, like, you know...
那粉红色的乳头 噢, 是啊 - ...them little pink teeny nipples. - Oh, yeah.
或者像国家地理杂志里那样长的 Or like the long National Geographic nipples.
或者像Braille又或者Stevie Wonders的那种 You have like the bumpy Braille nipples, the Stevie Wonders.
是阿 的确不错 Yeah, they were nice.
你知道的, 当你抓住女人的胸部的时候.... You know, when you, like, you grab a woman's breast and it's...
有种感觉... And you feel it and...
就像你在摸沙袋... it feels like a bag of sand when you're touching it.
沙袋? Bag of sand?
你知道我的意思的 我们为什么不继续打牌呢? You know what I mean. Why don't we just play?
为什么你不发牌呢? Why don't you just deal the cards?
你在说什么? What are you talking about?
老兄，你以前摸过女人的胸吗? Have you ever felt a breast before, man?
摸过 Yes.
哥们，你是同性恋吗? 不，我不是同性恋 - Dude, are you gay? - No, I'm not gay.
我曾经和很多女人在一起 I've been with tons of women.
我曾经在犹太人的学校 摸过一个同性恋的睾丸 I touched a guy's balls at Hebrew school once.
哥们，这没什么大不了的 你喜欢干男人 Dude, it's not a big deal. You like to fuck guys.
这没什么 我有个朋友就喜欢干这个 在监狱里 I'm cool. I got friends who fuck guys, in jail.
不，我不是同性恋 No, I'm not gay.
我曾经和很多女人分手过 No, I've borked a lot of women in my day.
分手? You've "borked"?
等等 回答这个问题 Hold up. Yo, answer this question:
你是处男吗? Are you a virgin?
是啊,从我10岁算起 Yeah, not since I was 10.
这就解释通了 你是处男 It all makes sense. You're a virgin.
我是...闭嘴 这怎么可能? - I am... Shut up. - How does that happen?
他他妈的是个处男 He's a fucking virgin.
我就知道 就是这么回事 伙计 他是一个处男 I knew it. That makes so much sense, man. Look, he's a virgin.
你们真喜欢胡闹 好了，得了, 别捉弄他了 - You guys are hilarious. - All right, come on, don't be mean.
我不是捉弄他 我是想帮他 I'm not being mean. I'm trying to help the partner out.
我是想说我想帮你过上性福生活 伙计 I'm trying to say I wanna get you laid, dude.
我理解怎么一回事 I understand what's going on.
你们真是一群混蛋 You guys are so up your asses.
从现在起 你的老二就是我的老二 我要给你找个女人 From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm getting you some pussy.
一个沙袋! 拜托，伙计! 你应该能做得更好啊 A bag of sand! Come on, man! You could do better than that.
上帝，我真溅? 我真蠢! God, me so horny? Me so stupid!
哦，拜托 Oh, come on.
会没事的 他们甚至不会记得这事 It's gonna be fine. They don't even remember.
他们没问题的 Those guys are cool.
这真是糟透了 This is gonna be bad.
嗯，好吧，处男不是脏词 Yeah, well, virgin's not a dirty word.
脏词应该是：混蛋... You know what's a dirty word, is asshole...
就是你们这群混蛋 and that's what you guys are.
知道吗，我也许没做过爱 但是我可以干你 You know, I may not have had sex, but I could fuck you up.
是啊 Yeah.
得了 Come on.
嘿, David 嘿, Andy - Hey, David. - Hey, Andy.
怎么了? CaI,早晨好 - What's up? - Cal, good morning.
嘿, Andy. 嘿 - Hey, Andy. - Hey.
我们正想给你找一个阴唇呢 We're gonna have to get you some punani.
Andy, 是时候了, 伙计 我们要.... Andy, it's going down, partner. We're gonna be...
这是为你准备的，伙计 这是为你准备的 This for you, partner, this for you.
周五，周六 她们会像波浪一般涌向你 Waves of them coming at you on Friday, Saturday.
周日你就被榨干了 By Sunday, your nuts gonna be drained.
嘿, Andy, 别理他们 没有性生活没什么大不了的 Hey, Andy, don't let him bother you. It's okay not to have sex.
不是每个人都对女人有吸引力的 Not everybody is a pussy magnet.
你多大了? 25? 我40了 - What are you? 25? - I'm 40.
见鬼, 伙计 那你可是要抓紧了 Holy shit, man. You've got to get on that.
生活中可以没有性 生活中要有孩子和激情 Life isn't about sex. Life is about children and passion.
是啊 Yeah.
活力 是啊, 生活要有激情 - And spirit. - Yeah, life's about passion.
不是做爱，睾丸，阴唇 It's not about fucking and balls and pussy.
是爱情，是人之间 It's about love. It's about people.
是一种结合 都是结合 - It's about connection. - It's all about connections.
不是老二，屁股，奶子 肛交 It's not about cock and ass and tits and butthole pleasures.
和肛交一点关系都没有 It's not about butthole pleasures at all.
不是生锈了的老二 It's not about this rusty trombone and dirty Sanchez.
轻别说了 还有Cincinnati bowtie. - Please stop. - And Cincinnati bowtie.
还有用女人淫水做的鸡尾酒 沾满大便的睾丸 And your pussy juice cocktail and this shit-stained balls.
Mooj, 请不要再说了 放松点... - Mooj, just please stop. - Just relax...
好吧 够了，晚会结束 All right. That's enough, party's over.
让处男快去工作吧 Let the virgin get back to work.
Andy!
Andy, 得了，我们是开玩笑 Andy, come on. We were just kidding.
毫无意义 Pointless.
Andy, 没热在乎你是个处男 Andy, nobody cares that you're a virgin.
别这么孩子气 Don't be such a baby.
他们就是为了乐子 他们没别的意思的 They were just having fun. They didn't mean anything.
离我远点, David 等等 - Get away from me, David. - Wait a minute.
不要再跟着我了 等下 - Stop following me! - Hold up.
等一下 我现在就去辞职 - Hold on. - I'm gonna have to quit my job now.
你没必要辞职 You don't have to quit your job.
你知道吗,我不愿意和你们一起玩了 You know what, I don't wanna go out with you guys.
好吧 行了?我不需要你们的帮助 - Fine. - Okay? I don't need your help.
好的，行 如果你不喜欢 你可以不和我们一起出去玩 Okay, fine, you don't have to go out with us if you don't want.
你知道吗,我尊重女人 我爱女人 You know what, I respect women, I love women.
我如此尊重她们，所以我才远离她们 I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them.
好的 我的生活很充实 - Okay. - I have a very fulfilling life.
现在,我把你的银色裤子变成蓝色 And now, I am making your silver pants blue.
来点刺激的，来吧! Get some roadburn, come on!
来吧，混蛋! Come on, sucker!
现在，全世界美丽的女士们? # Now, pretty ladies around the worid #
我有很奇怪的东西要给你们看?? # Got a weird thing to show you #
噢, 我的上帝啊! Oh, my God!
嘿, Will和Grace 回去工作 Hey, Will and Grace, back to work.
嘿, Haziz,你可以让我们单独呆一会吗? Hey, Haziz, can you just give us a second?
我们正处在进退两难的地步 We're just kind of in the middle of something.
我在休息，明白吗? I'm on my break, okay?
滚开, Haziz 别烦我我们，懂吗? Fuck off, Haziz. Leave us alone, all right?
滚开? 去你妈的! 去你妈的! - Fuck off? Fuck you! - Fuck you!
去你妈的! 滚开 滚开 - Fuck you! Fuck off. - Fuck off.
我要踢你的老二，混蛋 I'm gonna kick you in the nuts, asshole.
嘿，嘿! 嘴巴干净点, 行吗? 我有家的 Hey, hey! Watch the language, okay? I have a family.
你看看你对我怎么说的吧! Watch how you talk to me!
这是一个自由的国家, Bambi 如果我想抽烟，我可以抽烟 It's a free country, Bambi. I can smoke out here if I want to.
抽我的老二吧 Smoke my pole.
你是一个无情的人 滚进去! - You are a very unkind man. - Get inside!
这很不专业 This is not professional.
Paula,那帮混蛋在那边.... Paula, this asshole over here...
没事 Paula! - It's okay. - Paula!
没事. 得了 你知道 这就是.... It's all right. Come on. You know, it's just...
那么 怎么可能从来都没有做爱过呢? So, how could this not have happened?
就是从来都没做过 It just never happened.
我年轻的时候，我试过 没成功 When I was young, I tried, and it didn't happen.
等我老了，我就越来越紧张... And then I got older and I got more and more nervous...
因为从来就没成功过 所以感觉有点... because it hadn't happened yet. And I got kind of...
怪怪的 真的没成功过... weirded out about it. Then it really didn't happen...
随后，我不知道 我就不再尝试了 and then, I don't know, I just kind of stopped trying.
你想不想再试试看? Do you want to give it another shot?
也许太晚了 Maybe it's too late.
有些时候我觉得对我来说太晚了 Sometimes I feel that it is just too late for me.
不，这真疯狂 No, that's crazy.
你40岁了 你知道的 40岁相当于另外一个20岁 You're 40 years old. You know, 40 is the new 20.
你打算在60年之内... You wanna spend the next 60 years of your life...
没有性经验吗? never experiencing sex?
不单单是性，而是爱... And not just sex, but love...
是一种关系，欢笑与拥抱 and a relationship, and laughing and cuddling and all that shit.
我不知道 I don't know.
我不知道该怎么做 听着，你必须冒冒险 - I wouldn't know what to do. - Look, you gotta take a risk.
你得冒冒险 看看我 You gotta risk it. Look at me.
我和一个女孩交往4个月... I went out with this girl for four months...
这段时间是我生命中... and it was the greatest...
最棒最棒的一段日子 greatest thing in my life.
直到一次登山活动 她被另一个家伙拐走了, 我想是这样的 Until she went down on this guy in an Escalade, I think.
你知道 与其说 And, you know, instead of saying:
好, 我自作自受 "Okay, what am I doing that caused this behavior?"...
不说我甩了她 愚蠢的决定 I dumped her. Stupid decision.
紧接着我花了两年时间后悔 I spent the last two years of my life regretting it.
你现在为什么不把她追回来? Why don't you get her back right now?
因为她和这个卖罐子的在约会 Because she's dating this pot dealer.
愚蠢的糟糕的决定 Stupid horrible decision.
但是, 嘿,这就是她的归宿 你知道的，我要接受现实 But, hey, that's her journey, you know. I gotta respect that.
我的给她空间 I gotta give her the space.
她要做婊子给每个人都吹箫... She wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody...
这就是爱情, 伙计 听起来很可怕 - ...that's love, man. - It sounds horrible.
当然很可怕 很难受... Of course it's horrible. It's suffering...
很痛苦 而且....你日益消瘦... and it's pain and it's... You know, you lose weight...
然后你又增肥... and then you put back on weight...
你给她们打一大堆电话... and then you call them a bunch of times...
还有电子邮件 等他们搬家或者换电子邮件地址 and you try and email and then they move or they change their email...
但是这就是爱情 but that's just love.
你是否意识到这是我们第一次谈话... Do you realize that this is the first time...
超过30秒? we've spoken for more than, like, 30 seconds?
恩 Uh-huh.
这真好 这个周末和我们一起出来玩吧 - It's kind of nice. - Come out with us this weekend.
没有压力，我们就是为了好好玩玩 No pressure. We'll just have a good time.
好吧，好的，我会的，我要试试看 Okay, yeah, I will. I'll give it a shot.
很好 Great.
但是我不打算和任何人上床 But I'm not going to have sex with anybody.
很好, 性该是你考虑的最后一件事情 Good, sex should be the last thing on your mind.
Logjam. Hi.
见鬼 Shit.
哦，上帝 Oh, God.
对不起 Sorry.
回见 谢谢你的舞蹈 See you later. Thanks for the dance.
我很好. 没事 I'm okay. It's all right.
哦，拜托, 大客! Oh, come on, bus!
哦，见鬼，狗也是! Oh, come on, dogs!
见鬼! 简直是疯了 Shit! You gotta be kidding me.
我的意思是, 我有些紧张 我从来没做过爱 I mean, I'm kind of nervous. I never had oral sex before.
Jennifer 告诉我怎么做了 一定会很爽的 Jennifer told me how to do it. It's gonna kick ass.
你在做什么? What are you doing?
好了, 快了.... 差不多了 Okay, just... We're almost there.
我们有了 Houston,我们有了 We have one. Houston, we have one.
你把我的该死的头发拽掉了! You'll pull my fucking hair out!
我们做到了 上帝啊! - We did it. - God!
噢，我的上帝 你穿上裤子 Oh, my God, you came in your pants.
你做了什么? 我这有些增白面霜 - What did you do? - I had some Cream of Wheat.
你知道什么比较性感吗? 什么? - You know what else is sexy? - What?
我... 恩? - Me... - Yeah?
...吸吮... ...sucking...
你的... on your...
脚趾 toe.
这就是你要吸吮的? 是啊 - That's what you want to suck on? - Yeah.
真是又大又粗. 好 - It's just so big and thick. - Okay.
好啊 Yeah.
很痒痒 That tickles.
我很抱歉. 噢, 不 I'm sorry. Oh, no.
你鼻子流血了 你认为呢? - Your nose is bleeding. - You think?
我很抱歉 我如此火辣 - I'm sorry. - I'm hot.
但是现在 你别想在做爱了 But, now, you can't have any of this.
你应该永远放弃! You should just give up forever!
Cal, 你认为怎么样? 是不是太黄了? Cal, what do you think? Is this too yellow?
不 No.
Curious George在现实生活中如何? What's Curious George like in real life?
得了 伙计 Come on, man.
哇，真是美女如云阿 Wow, this is pretty crowded.
是啊，今天是9元一杯啤酒 Yeah. Well, it's $9 beer night.
好了，听着 Okay, look now.
这就是要发生的事情，对吧? So, this is what's about to happen, all right?
你到那些喝酒的小妞跟前,好吧? You about to go run down some drunk chicks, all right?
不要弄混了 我们说的喝醉不能太醉 And don't confuse that with tipsy. We talking about drunk.
否则会吐在头发上的 撞伤你的膝盖 I want vomit in the hair, bruised-up knees.
还会弄伤后脚跟 A broken heel is a plus.
这就是你要寻找的 明白吗? That's what you want to find, okay?
不, Dave已经和我说了 我今晚不必做爱 No, Dave already told me I didn't have to have sex tonight.
现在他倒不见了, 所以.... And now he's gone, so...
伙计, 你现在就什么不要想了, 好吧? Dude, just stop thinking for a minute, all right?
这次你不必想 You ain't got to think on this one.
你要做的就是用你的本能 All you got to do is use your instinct.
给我看看的本性 Show me your instincts.
我的头, 我的心 跟着我的心 My head, my heart. I follow my heart.
现在,我就给你示范一次，看好? Now, I'm gonna show you this one time, all right?
本能 给我看看你的本能 Instincts. Show me your instincts.
给我看看你本能 她们就在那边 - Show me your instincts. - They're right here.
拥有你的本能 Own your instincts.
你要做的就是用你的本能 就这样 All you doing is using your instinct. That's it.
这就是老虎如何捕捉羚羊 That's how a tiger know he got to tackle a gazelle.
使它的DNA决定的 There's a code written in his DNA.
这个DNA就是：“捕捉羚羊” 好吧 - It says, "Tackle the gazelle." - Okay.
不管你信不信,每个男人都有 And believe it or not, in every man, there's a code written that says:
捕获喝酒娘们的天性 不 - "Tackle drunk bitches." - No.
你知道吗 我感觉不太舒服... You know what, I don't feel comfortable...
捕获喝酒的娘们 你知道 hitting on drunk "bitches," you know.
我不认为这样做是对的 I don't think that's right.
好了，等一下 Okay, hold up.
首先, 你就认为这是不对的事情 First of all, you making it out to be some kind of bad thing.
我用娘们一词不是贬义 你是贬义 I didn't use bitches in a derogatory sense. You did.
这.... 这不对 It just does... This doesn't feel right.
当然不对 可是好的东西对你无效 Of course it don't feel right. What has felt right for you didn't work.
你要试试看一些歪门邪道 伙计 You need to try some wrong, dawg.
好, 我如何能分辨那一个是喝醉了的? Okay, how do I tell which ones are drunk?
现在你说 好，看看这个 Now you're talking all right. Check this out.
你看到那边那个红头发得了吗? 在哪? - You see this redhead over here? - Where?
那个大奶子的. 我不想盯着女人看 - With the big old titties. - I'm not gonna stare at a woman.
哥们, 我不是告诉你盯着别人看 Dawg, I'm not telling you to stare at nobody.
我实在告诉你要用你的设备 现在看着我 I'm telling you to use your peripherals. Now look at me.
看 看 看? 噢 - See. Look. See? - Yeah.
我没在看你 I'm not looking at you.
不，我在看 你在看她? - No. I'm looking at... - You're looking at her?
你要我怎么做? 我要你用你的设备 - What do you want me to do? - I want you to use your peripherals.
看到了吗，我没看你 See? I'm not looking at you.
不，看 我在看三点钟方向那个大胸的红头发的妞呢 No. See, I'm looking at the redhead at 3:00 with the big titties.
你看看她, 已经欲火焚身了,看她? You see her, racked up right there, see her?
是啊 对 - Yes. - Yeah.
你用你的设备寻找 好的 - You find one with the peripherals. - Okay.
你看, 在海报那边那个 You see, over by the post.
看起来.... It looks like a...
不像是榕树... It's either a ficus...
可能是橡胶树 It might be a rubber tree plant.
好吧, 如果你在开玩笑, 伙计 这并不好笑 All right, if you're making a joke, dawg, it's not funny.
我看到一个金发的女孩，很漂亮 I see a blonde and she's very pretty.
好多了, 很好. 这就对了 Better, okay. All right.
现在用你的装备... 好 - Now with your peripherals... - Yeah.
...你要侦察并发现热辣的喝醉的小妞 ...you got to scope out a hot, drunk chick.
然后你就该采取行动了 And then you should make your move.
如何? 好吧 好 - Okay? All right. - Yes.
记住, 重要的是她醉了而且很火辣 And remember, it's more important that she's drunk than she's hot.
第一个 去拿下她 装备 For this first one. Go get her. Peripherals, though.
全部 All the way.
所有的装备 All peripherals.
这小子很顽固 That boy is stubborn.
嘿，我叫Andy 你看起来很舒服 Hi, I'm Andy. You look comfortable.
我可以送你一杯鸡尾酒吗? Can I get you another cocktail?
喝太多了 Too drunk.
但是想法很对 但是还活着 - But you got the right idea. - But clinically alive.
嘿! Yo! - Hey! - Yo!
我找不到喝醉的人 I'm having trouble finding the drunk people.
你想知道哪有吗? 是啊 - You want to know where there's one? - Yeah.
我，我，换衣服的船长 I. I, Captain Yellowshirts.
好吧，来一个好点的 Okay. Have a good one.
Yo! - Yo! - What? 什么?
我遇到一个女孩 在那边单身女子晚会... I met a girl and she's here with a bachelorette party...
她们邀请我们和她们一起玩 and they invited us to party with them.
好，不错 真得很棒... - Okay, that's good. - It's so good...
因为看到自己朋友就要嫁给别人的女孩... because no one is hornier than a girl...
都特别的想发骚 who's about to watch her friend get married to a guy.
真有趣 It's so funny.
我们刚刚决定 因为这是在我嫁给Dan之前... So we just decided because this is my last night as a free woman...
单身的最后一个晚上 所以我们都戴假发出来 before I marry Dan, that we would just wig out.
我们假发出游! We're wigging out!
你们真能闹啊 You guys are hilarious.
等一下 Wait a minute.
喂，总统先生吗 是 勃起选举结果出来了 Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection results are in.
嘿，伙计们 看这个 这个是宙斯博士的阴茎 Hey, guys, look, it's Dr. Zeus' penis.
我是认真的 I really mean this.
嘿，大家 谁要阴茎蛋糕 Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?
我要 I do.
她要 嘿 伙计们, Betty Cocker - She does. - Hey, you guys, Betty Cocker.
真是个好人. 真是.... What a good guy. What a...
Dan, Robin要嫁给的那个男人... Dan, the guy Robin's marrying...
是个好人 is such a good guy.
听起来他是个好人 He sounds like a good guy.
我恨他2年多了因为他欺骗了我 I hated him for like two years 'cause he cheated on me.
但是... - Oh. - But...
他现在的确变了 he's really changed now.
他现在的确是个好人了 你的朋友都挺不错 - He's a really good guy now. - Your friends seem nice.
你有很好看的眼睛 你知道吗? You have really kind eyes, you know that?
谢谢. 你的帽子闪闪发光 Thanks. Your hat has sequins.
你的手放在我的腰带上了 什么? - Your hands are on my belt. - What?
你的手放在我的腰带上了 对不起 - Your hands are on my belt. - I'm sorry.
这很好 It's good.
你真可爱 You're cute.
这样吧，我们离开这里如何? This is kind of lame. You wanna get out of here?
好啊，好 Okay, yeah.
好 妈的 - Yeah. - Fuck.
来吧 好 - Come on. - Okay.
你来开车吗? You wanna drive?
我没开车来所以.... I don't have a car with me here, so...
车真得很烂 Cars just suck.
我来开 I'm driving.
你喝多了吗? Are you drunk?
没, 我什么都没喝 No, I didn't have anything to drink.
吹这个? 好 - Blow into this? - Okay.
这个是什么? 法官建议我买的 - What is this? - The judge recommended I get one.
哇 好 哇 真快啊 - Whoa, okay. Wow. - That's fast.
好 来吧，你在套子里了 - Okay. - Come on, you're in the lasso.
# Missy be puttin' it down #
# I'm the hottest round #
# I told y'all mother-uh #
# Y'all can't stop me now #
# Listen to me now #
# I'm lastin' 20 rounds #
# And if you want me, people #
# Then come on get me now #
Dan说你就是个婊子! And Dan's like, "You're such a B-I-T-C-H, bitch!"
我说，你是狗娘养的 And I'm like, "You're the bitch, bitch."
你知道吗? 嗯 - You know? - Yeah.
你叫什么名字来着? What was your name again?
Andy Andy
我告诉你 Andy 永远不要叫Dan Let me tell you something, Andy. Don't ever be named Dan.
Dan是愚蠢的名字 Dan rhymes with man, and men jerk off.
他就是个傻瓜 And he was a jerk-off.
你知道我的意思吗? 小心! 车! - Do you know what I mean? - Look out! The car!
哇 我喜欢你 - Wow. - I like you.
你不是.... You're not a...
我想我吃的海鲜三明治可能是坏了 I think I ate some bad shellfish sandwich or something.
你真可爱 不 - You're cute. - No.
味道不错 味道像海鲜三明治 - That tasted good. - That tasted like shellfish.
小心! 抱歉 Look out! Sorry.
注意! Watch it!
你认为我漂亮吗? 哦，是啊 - Do you think I'm pretty? - Oh, yes.
哦, 上帝, 是啊! Oh, God, yes!
你没看我啊 是的, 你很漂亮 - You're not looking at me. - Yes, you're pretty.
你认为我漂亮吗? 看看我 Do you think I'm pretty? Look at me.
看看我! 我看着呢! 你很漂亮! - Look at me! - I'm looking! You're pretty!
上帝啊, 我还想活呢! God, I just wanna live!
上帝啊,我想我快来月经了 God, I hope I get my period soon.
我心情很差 噢 - I am in a bad mood. - Okay.
我很累 I'm so tired.
嘿, 哇! Hey, whoa!
哦，上帝! 转过去! Oh, God! Turn away!
嘿，别碰方向盘 Hey, get off the wheel.
你不想在我裤子里面这样动吧 You're not gonna get in my pants acting like that.
我饿死了 I'm starving.
我们去吃点该死的法国吐丝吧 Let's get some fucking French toast.
哦，我们到了 哦，上帝啊，我们成功了 - Okay, here we are. - Oh, God, we made it.
到家了 Home sweet home.
哦，妈妈呀! Oh, mommy!
你没事吧? 这些该死的到处都是 - Are you okay? - The fucker came out of nowhere.
没事了，没事了 Okay. We're okay.
你没事吧? Are you okay?
你.... 怎么了? Well, are you... What's the matter?
对不起 I'm sorry.
没事 我料到如此了 That's okay. I think I kind of had that coming.
如果你想，我还是可以和你上床 I'll still have sex with you if you want.
你知道吗,如果你不介意 我想先不谈性 You know what, I think I'm gonna pass on the sex, if you don't mind.
至少我明天不用上班 At least I don't have to work out tomorrow.
今晚你喝台克利（鸡尾酒的一种）了吗? 喝了 - Did you have a daiquiri tonight? - Yeah.
我想你可能是喝了 I thought you might.
真实糟糕的一个晚上 It was a very bad night.
是啊，笑吧 Yeah, laugh.
知道吗,如果有个女孩吐了海鲜三明治... You know what, you guys wouldn't be laughing right now...
到你们的嘴里，看你们还笑得出来不 if some girl had just vomited shellfish sandwich into your mouth.
你对了，是我不好 You know what, you're right, it's my bad.
请允许我向你道歉 首先... Let me apologize to you first of all...
没有像你详细说明 当你接一个喝醉酒的妞... for not mentioning in detail that when you pick up a drunk woman...
而她在走出酒吧是已经要倒下... who's falling down on her way out of the bar...
也许你应该来开车 我骑自行车 - ...that you should probably drive. - I drive a bike.
好吧 谁让你骑自行车的? Okay, Mr. Schwinn-fucking-Armstrong, who asked you to drive a bike?
知道吗,我不是这个世界上... You know what, I'm not the only person in the worid...
唯一骑自行车的人 who rides a bike.
是啊，大家在做爱的时候都起自行车去 Yeah, everyone rides a bike, when they're fucking six.
你们干吗不去啃些东西? Why don't you kiss something?
因为这一切都结束了, 伙计们 好吗? Because this is over, you guys, okay?
我能句插嘴吗? Can I just interject for a second?
让我说... Let me just say...
你在这个基础上可以继续追她 you're putting the pussy up on this pedestal.
你刚刚把这个娘们给弄高尚了 You're just building the pussy up, man.
你在说什么? What are you even talking about?
'把这个娘们给弄高尚了'什么意思? "Building the pussy up," what does that mean?
你要让这个女人像希腊神话中 伟大的Pussalia女神那样... You making the pussy into this great big Greek goddess named Pussalia...
你要做的就是... and what you're doing is...
你要让你自己相信 这是一个不可能的壮举 you're psyching yourself into thinking it's some impossible feat.
是啊，我想你是对的 Yeah, I think you're right.
我要把这个娘们给高尚起来了 I'm putting the pussy up on a pedestal.
是啊 就这样了 - Right. - That's it.
是叫PussaIia,对吧? It's "Pussalia," right?
你说到哪去了 我不想再说这个词了 - Look where you going. - I don't wanna say the word anymore.
什么词? 娘们 我不想再说了 - Say what word? - "Pussy." I don't wanna say it.
去死吧 娘们 是一个科学用词 Fuck it. "Pussy" is a scientific word.
活计，这是条新裤子 Dude! New pants, man.
知道吗, Dave? You know what, Dave?
你说不会有任何压力 You know, you said there wasn't gonna be any pressure at all.
我没有给你压力阿 不好意思 - I'm not pressuring you. - Excuse me.
你们中谁可以帮我个忙? Can one of you guys help me, please?
我听不懂西班牙英语，女士 No hablo English, lady.
我现在正有客人需要我帮忙 I actually am helping a customer right now.
好吧，那... 我在休息 - Okay, well... - I'm on break.
我们的主管知识渊博... But our stock supervisor is very knowledgeable.
他可以回答你所有的问题 而且他很乐意这么做 He can answer all of your questions and he'd love to help you.
谢谢 Thank you.
希望你今天过得愉快 你也是 - Have a nice day. - You, too.
很好，嗯，嘿 我叫Trish 嘿, 我叫Andy - Great, okay. Hi, I'm Trish. - Hi, Andy is my name.
这个看起来很不错 你不应该买哪个录像机 - This one looks pretty good. - You don't wanna buy that VCR.
我不应该? I don't?
是的, 实际上 说实话... No, actually to be totally honest with you...
你不应该买任何的录像机 you don't wanna buy any VCR.
这是过时的技术了 It's a dead technology.
就像8轨播放器 It's like getting an eight-track player.
是啊 或者Beta制大尺寸磁带录像系统 - Yeah. - Or a Betamax.
实际上我建议你买这一个 You know what, actually I'd recommend this one.
这个是双功能的 This is a dual.
既可以播放录像带，也可以播放DVD You've got the VCR and DVD combo.
所以 这个技术应该是最适合于... So, you know, that technology would be probably pretty good for...
6个月 或者 那样? 是啊 - Six months or so? - Yeah.
这不错 That's good.
这个是最佳选择. 抱歉 At best. Sorry.
不 就像那的功能一样 - No. - As good as it gets.
好吧 听起来不错,那么 Okay, that sounds good, then.
好吧 Okay, all right.
真是太棒了 对不起 - It's perfect. - Sorry.
过去吧 Coming through.
好 Okay.
上帝, 你知道吗 有趣的是我就在街对面工作... God, you know, it's so funny, I work right across the street...
我却从来没有来过这家店 and I've never been in this place.
是吗? 在哪工作? 是啊 - Really? Where at? - Yeah.
就是那家"我们在ebay上买你们的货" The "We Sell Your Stuff On eBay" store.
哦 就是这个名字? - Yes. - And that's the name?
是啊，我在找些东西... Yeah, I was looking for something...
很显然，所以我选择这个 ...you know, obvious. So I chose that.
我不太明白 你是做什么的? I don't understand. So, what, you do what?
嗯，我们把那些你们不想要的东西... Well, I take the stuff that you don't want...
在eBay上买 and then I "sell" it on eBay.
但是你们并不是真的在店里卖东西? But you don't actually sell anything in the store?
嗯，是的 No. I don't.
那你们为什么还要有一个商店呢? So why do you have a store?
我不知道 I don't know.
不, 我想也许是因为 我想让人看起来比较专业... No, I think it's because, you know, I wanna maybe look professional...
也不想给人以为是偷东西以后销赃的 and not like a crazy person who's just gonna steal all your shit.
哦，我没有其他意思 Sure. I didn't mean anything by that.
嗯，没什么 No, it's okay.
你知道吗, 也许你有机会来我的店里... You know what, you should come by sometime if you want, you know...
看看有没有你需要的东西 see it for yourself, check it out.
我回去参观你的空店的 I'll check out your empty store.
好,就是街对面那家 不是空的 Yeah, it's the one across the street that's not empty.
这是我的电话号码.... Here's my number. So...
好的 任何时间打给我都可以 - All right. - So, just anytime.
既然你的店就在对面 为什么你还给我电话号? Why do I need your number if you're across the street, though?
我没有一个好的答案, Andy 我就是.... I don't really have a good answer for that, Andy. I just...
对不起 就是给你电话了 - Sorry. - Just giving it to you.
好，我记下了，我们收款处见 So I'll write you up, and I'll meet you over at the register.
好的 去付款吧.... - Okay. - And check you out... Check out.
好吧，那边见 好的 - Okay, see you over there. - Okay.
好 Okay.
恐怖的多嘴怪吧 嘿.... - Awful chatty. - Hey...
看，我想她给我她的电话号码了 Look, I think she gave me her number.
她写下了她的电话号码, 但是我想她给了我她的电话号码 She wrote down her number, but I think she gave me her number.
不，她给你电话号码了? 伙计，哥们 - No, she gave you. - Dude, man.
你还生我的气吗? See, you still mad at me?
不，从来都没有 好，现在你明白我的意思了吧? - No, I was never. - Right, you see what I mean?
是啊，我们要庆祝一下,伙计 对吧 Yeah, we gonna celebrate it, man. Yeah.
真得很不错 是啊 - This is pretty cool. - Yeah.
难以置信 得了给他点表扬, 兄弟 - Unbelievable. - Come on, give him some credit, man.
他都拿到电话号了 The man pulled a number.
就是.... 我在.... 我无法相信这个事情发生了 It's just... I was in... I can't believe that happened.
那你对你手中的电话号怎么说 What you did with you's own hand.
伙计，她刚刚给了我她的电话号 Man, she just gave me her number.
太棒了，伙计 我告诉过你，爱情就是如此神秘 That's great, man. I'm telling you, love is a mysterious fig.
是啊 It is.
好了，问题是 我什么时候应该给她打电话? Okay, here's a question. When should I call her?
你喜欢她? 是啊 - You like her? - Yeah.
你一定不想给她打电话 You definitely don't want to call her.
下届奥运会什么时候? When is the next Olympics?
那么你要做的就是... So what you just got to do is...
就像打老鼠机一样... just get you a bunch of these hood rats...
从他们之间, 击倒他们 run through them, just knock them out.
嘭 嘭 嘭 Boom, boom, boom.
当你杀死了20到30只老鼠的时候... And once you've done slayed like 20, 30 of them hood rats...
你就可以准备升级了 now you ready to go up to the upper echelon type ho.
知道我的意思吗? 我可可不喜欢叫妓女 - You know what I mean? - I'm not a big ho runner.
我叔叔经常叫妓女 My uncle used to drive a ho runner.
让这些推力见鬼去吧 用他的话说... Screw these analogies. What he's saying is...
你第一次做爱要很坏... you are going to be so bad at sex the first time...
你不想和你喜欢的人做爱... you don't want to have sex with someone you like...
因为她们会因为你不行而感到奇怪 'cause they'll think you're a weirdo for being so lame at it.
你应该先找别人做爱试一下... You want to have sex with hood rats first...
等到你和你喜欢的女孩做爱的时候... so that by the time you get to the girl you do like...
你的性经验就不会太差 你就会发挥得很正常 you're not terrible at sex, you'll be mediocre at it.
虽然也许依然会很糟 Probably still pretty bad, though.
先别管这些了，先管号码 Let's put it up for my man for pulling that number.
该上路了, 伙计 已经讲得天花乱坠了 - Way to go, man. - Politicked his ass off.
你的确讲得好 多谢了 - You did politic. - Thanks a lot.
就像火车转弯一样，你准备好了吗? Like a train, round the bend. You ready?
对 Yeah.
我不能 快点 - I can't. - Do it.
我不能在公共场合撒尿 必须这么做 - I can't pee in public. - Gotta do it.
我有心理顾虑 I've got a mental block about it.
得了，快点 我很害羞! - Come on, do it. - I'm shy!
我在公共场合撒尿了! I peed in public!
放我出去 我听不见你说什么 - Let me out. - I can't hear what you're saying.
我不想呆在这里 这个房间是隔音的 - I don't want to be in here. - It's a soundproof room.
学点技术吧 好极了，伙计 - Just learn the techniques. - Right on, man.
你们，这并不好玩! You guys, this is not funny!
喂 Hello.
嘿，你在看什么? Hey, what you watching?
僵尸黎明？伙计 太棒了 - Dawn of the Dead, man. - Great.
店里没什么人 Paula 已经走了 The store is slow. Paula's gone.
什么 Paula回来了? 不，她不在 - Yo, is Paula back? - No. She's not here.
她说我们不能在这里看 你确定? - She said we can't watch this in here. - You sure?
我知道 我可以和你说点私事吗? I know. Can I ask you something in confidence?
我知道这听起来也许很怪 I know this is gonna sound weird.
我看起来帅吗? Am I good-looking?
你认为女人会发现我比较吸引人吗? Do you think a woman will find me attractive?
咆哮 哦，我的天! Oh, my God!
哦，我的天! 真血腥 好吧，不用在意了 - Oh, my God, the blood just... - Okay, never mind.
等一下, Andy 等一下 Wait, Andy. Hold up.
听着,这让我很难堪 很难说出口的 Listen, this is embarrassing for me. This is hard to talk about.
要听实话吗? 是的 - Are you ready for my honest answer? - Yes.
是的，我认为你对小妞很有吸引力 Yeah. I think you're a good-looking cat.
我不认为每个人都知道... I don't think that anybody knows it...
我也不认为每个人都能看到 and I don't think anybody can see it.
恩,这就是我为什么要问你 Well, that's why I'm asking you.
你看起来穿着很整齐 你很会搭配衣服 You seem really well-groomed and really put together.
我的意思是，听着，伙计 你认为这是个意外? I mean, look, dude. You think this was an accident?
全部的这些? 这是精心装扮过的 伙计 All of this right here? Premeditated, partner.
你必须要凸现你的特质 向天然的钻石一样 You gotta highlight your attributes, like a diamond in the rough.
你得有些牺牲，行吗? You willing to make some sacrifices?
这个当然 Absolutely.
你看到你的那些胸毛了吗? You see that whole Teen Wolf thing you got going right there?
你的把他们去掉 You need to wax that right out.
疼吗? 不. 去毛不会疼的 - Does it hurt? - No. Waxing don't hurt.
我的意思, 不会疼，除非你像女人一样脆弱 明白我的意思了吗? I mean, not unless you're a bitch. You know what I mean?
我经常去做，一点也不疼 It didn't hurt me. I get it done all the time.
尖叫 真他妈的见鬼! What the fuck!
把那个黑鬼干掉! Fuck that nigger up!
贱人, 快从房间里出来! Bitch, get out of the room!
着一定很棒 This is gonna be good.
就是他要除毛? 嘿，你好吗? - This the one right here, right? - Hi, how are you?
这是你第一次来除毛? So this is your first time getting body waxed?
是的 Yes, it is.
脱掉衣服 好的 - Take off your shirt. - Okay.
我们需要更多的除毛胶布 We're gonna need more wax.
我要等着看看，一定会很有趣 I'm staying. This is gonna be good.
取消我今天下午其他所有的预约 And clear all my appointments in the afternoon.
我们开始吧 Here we go.
感觉很温暖 That feels warm.
我喜欢你的“毛衣” 可以来一个V字领的吗? I like your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck?
开始出去阴毛的时候 我就出去 She starts doing his pubes, I'm out of here.
做完了之后 你就会好看多了 You gonna look good after this, man.
谢谢，伙计 Thanks, man.
那么，准备好了吗? 是的 - So, ready? - Yeah.
你他妈的! You fucker!
对不起 这是你的工作 I'm sorry. That's just your job.
你要我停下来吗? 不，没事，继续 - You want me to stop now? - No. It's okay.
我们再来一个 Let's do another one.
那条看起来很性感 That one little patch looks sexy though.
看起来还不错吗? 是啊, 真得不错 - Does it look good? - Yeah, it looks really good.
很有男人的味道 It looks man-tastic.
好的 Okay.
唔! 我没想到会这样 我真的没想到 Wow! I didn't expect that at all. I really didn't expect that.
你说对了，只有第一次会疼 You got it. The first one is the only one that hurts.
是啊 这些毛长的很深了 Yeah. Those hairs are pretty deep.
好吧 Okay.
准备好了吗? 嗯 - You ready? - Yup.
他妈的狗娘养的! Sucker motherfucker!
你他妈的! 我恨你! You shithead! I hate you!
我恨死你了! I hate you so much!
这个很疼 That one hurt.
这个比第一个疼多了 That one hurt just as much as the first one.
是啊，伙计 哥们! - That's great, man. - Man!
1 2 3
干我吧! Fuck me!
干死我了! In the asshole!
对不起 对不起 - I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.
我并不经常骂人的 I really don't swear this much.
知道吗,我胃不好 You know what, I got a weak stomach.
我实在看不下去了 我们回头见 That's all I can really take. I'll see ya'll.
Jay - Jay. - Be tough, Andy, you got it. 坚强点 Andy 你能行的
Jay去哪里了? 他去吐了 - Where did Jay go? - He went to throw up.
准备好? 来吧 - Ready? - Yup.
1 2
他妈的，见他妈的鬼! Cocksucker motherfucker!
你刚数到2 You pulled on two.
你为什么不到3在拉? Why didn't you pull on three?
滚你妈的! Freddy pie hole!
不! Kelly Clarkson! No! Kelly Clarkson!
结束了吗，或者还要.. Ya'll done or ya'll...
真他妈的见鬼 哦，狗屎! - That's fucked up. - Oh, shit falls!
真他妈的见鬼 That's fucked up.
我恨你 I hate you.
别笑了 你这个变态! Stop smiling, you jerk!
你这个娘们 You pussy.
哦，上帝啊. 下一个是什么? Oh, God. What's next?
你要动乳头 不要动乳头 - You're doing the nipple. - Not the nipple.
拜托 不要动乳头 - Come on. - Not the nipple.
求你了, Cal,抓住我的手 Please, Cal, hold my hand.
你开玩笑，伙计? 快他妈的抓住我的手，伙计 - You kidding me, man? - Hold my goddamn hand, man.
快点!抓住 好了，抓住了 - Do it! Just hold. - Okay, here we go.
准备好了吗? Ready?
没...准备好了 No. Yup.
1 2 3
他妈的到底是乳头! Nipple fuck!
Mika, 你应该烧死在地狱里! Mika, you should burn in hell!
行了，好了 不，我是认真的，我不干了 Okay, all right. No, seriously, I think I'm done.
我们结束了，我认为不错 I think we're done. I think that's good.
知道吗, 伙计们... You know what, guys...
我看起来一点也不好! this is not a good look for me!
你看起来像一个信号灯 You look like a man-o'-lantern.
非常感谢 谢谢 谢谢你 Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Thank you.
非常感谢 不客气 - Thank you very much. - You're welcome.
谢谢你 谢谢 - Thank you. - Thanks.
Andy,我很抱歉 Andy, I owe you an apology, man.
我过去2年半对你不怎么好 I wasn't very nice to you for the past two-and-a-half years.
你对我很好 You were nice to me.
不, 我.... 我认为你真的很无聊... No, I was... I thought you were really boring and...
我一直以为你是一个连环杀手 I kind of thought you were a serial killer.
我没开玩笑 I'm not joking.
嘿! 对不起，见鬼，对不起，对不起 - Hey! - Sorry. Shoot. Sorry, sorry.
别担心 里面有很多染料 Don't worry. There's a lot of padding in these.
我想把这个从凉台上扔出去 一定会没事的 I could hurl it off the balcony, it would be fine.
是啊，的确不错 我们不能摔坏这个... - Yeah. It will be fine. - We couldn't break this...
我们尝试一下 没问题 - ...if we tried. - No problem.
听着，你不应该听Dave和Jay的? Look, you shouldn't listen to Dave and Jay, okay?
这些家伙很疯狂 你应该听我的, 知道吗? Those guys are crazy. You should listen to me, okay?
看，那有一个翘臀美女在工作 Look, there is a hot-ass girl who works right there.
在那边,在书店里 你应该和她约会，伙计 There she is, in the bookstore. You should ask her out, man.
她的内裤有点不对劲 Something wrong with her underpants.
是啊, 我不是那个意思 Yeah, they're not in my mouth.
你知道，我... You know, I kind of...
挺喜欢那个ebay店的女人的 like the woman from the eBay store.
还好了, 但是... That's great, but...
你在不能... you're not gonna get with anyone...
在一棵树上吊死，伙计 unless you play the odds on this, man.
你要广种薄收 You need to plant a lot of seeds.
像这个 当我种大麻的时候, 我意识到... It's like this. When I was growing pot, I realized...
我种的越多... 谢谢 - ...that the more seeds I planted... - Thank you.
...我能抽到的越多 ...the more pot I could ultimately smoke.
我认为我得到的建议够多了 我可以自己应付了 I think I have all the advice that I can handle right now.
别记仇 Don't get bitter.
我没记仇 我差点失去乳头, 懂吗? I'm not bitter. I almost lost a nipple, okay?
那是Jay的主义, 对吧? That was Jay's idea, okay?
我不想说什么 但是除去胸毛... And I wasn't going to say anything, but waxing your chest is...
就可能想你做过得最好的事情? like the gayest thing you could possibly do, okay?
看着我 外表并不重要 说真的，看着我 Look at me. Looks are not important. Really look at me.
我丑的像低能儿... I am ugly as fuck by traditional standards...
但是我还是有女人 but I get with women.
你不奇怪，这怎么可能吗? Aren't you curious as to how that's possible?
我才没丑的像低能儿呢 I am not ugly as fuck.
我没说你丑的像... I didn't say you were ugly as...
你含沙射影了 好吧 - Well, you implied it. - Okay.
你丑的像低能儿还是像狗屎都没关系 It doesn't matter if you're ugly as fuck or you're ugly as shit.
关键在于和女人讲话，我知道怎么做... It's about talking to women, and I know how to do that...
因为我观察，因为我是一个小说家 because I observe, because I am a novelist.
什么?你以前从来没告诉过我 What? You never told me that before.
哪是因为我不是一个自大的人, Andy. That's because I am not an arrogant prick, Andy.
懂吗? 大部分男人的弊病是... Okay? The problem most men have is...
他们不知道如何和女人交谈 they don't know how to talk to women.
你知道我的问题是什么吗? 我不感兴趣 You know what my problem is? I am not interesting.
我要说的是? "我去魔术露营地?" What am I supposed to say? "I went to magic camp?"
"我的口技很纯熟" "I'm an accomplished ventriloquist?"
"我是第七代帝王" "I am a seventh-degree imperial yo-yo master."
"给我，大师" Do me, yo-yo master.
"我要你给我 因为你就是我要的人" I want you to do me, 'cause you're the yo-yo guy.
你好了吗? 听着 Are you done? Listen.
大部分的男人的弊病是... The problem most men have is...
他们该过直接，不懂得如何与女人交谈 they just plain straight up have no clue how to talk to women.
问她们一个问题 就这样 Just ask a question, okay? That's it.
因为女人不在乎你说什么... Because women do not care about what you have to say...
一点也不，你知道的 at all anyway, you know.
他们想要得就是谈她们自己 And all they want to do is talk about themselves.
那么你就让她们谈 So you're just gonna let them do that.
懂吗? 所以，记住 Okay? So remember.
问问题，就对了 像一个男人 Questions, be cool, and be kind of a dick.
对 就像《玉焰》中的David Caruso Here, be David Caruso in Jade.
我知道你再说什么 Okay. I know exactly what you're talking about.
真的，那太好了 You do. That's good.
她来了 There she is.
去播种吧，伙计 Go plant that seed, man.
用你的手指播种 Plant it with your finger.
有什么能帮你的吗? Can I help you?
我不知道，你能吗? I don't know. Can you?
你想看点什么吗? Are you looking for something?
这有什么东西我应该看的吗? Is there something I should be looking for?
我们有很多书 We have a lot of books.
所以，就要看你需要什么了 So, maybe it depends on what you like.
你想要什么? What do you like?
我们有很多关于... We have a great section of...
"自己动手做"的部分 do-it-yourself.
你喜欢"自己动手做"吗? Do you like to "do it yourself"?
有时候，我的意思是... Sometimes. I mean...
如果心血来潮的话 if the mood strikes.
你现在心血来潮如何? How is the mood striking you now?
你叫什么名字? What's your name?
我叫Beth I'm Beth.
我叫Andy Andy.
Andy
别泄露秘密噢, Andy? 我不会的 - Don't tell on me, okay, Andy? - I wont.
除非你想让我泄密... Unless you want to be told on...
Beth.
哇，这办法真管用! Wow. That totally worked!
我基本什么都没说，她却为我着迷 I literally said nothing. And she found me fascinating.
我以为你这么做好久了呢 I would've thought you were doing that for years.
我应该约她出来吗? 不，这是关键 - Should I have asked her out? - No. That's the key.
你要等到开花结果... You wait for it to grow into a plant...
然后你就可以"干"这个果实了 and then you fuck the plant.
好吧 Okay.
真简单 This is easy.
好的 All right.
你好 Trish 你好吗? 过得如何? Hello, Trish. How you doing? What's going on?
有趣的笑话 Good joke.
和你谈话真有趣 This is a fun conversation.
有种点，现在就给她打电话 Just grow a backbone and call her.
你要你打给她的 他要你打给她 She asked you to call her. She wants you to call her.
喂 Hello.
嘿，你好吗? Hey, how you doing?
你好吗? 我很好 - How you doing? - I'm well.
你是哪位? Who is this?
我是James. James? 我们认识吗, James? - This is James. - James. Do I know you, James?
我想知道你是否有时间... I was wondering whether you had a few minutes...
谈谈洗衣粉 to talk about a little laundry detergent.
你是电话推销员吗, James? Are you a telemarketer, James?
是啊 Yep.
你是在那个高楼的顶层吗? Are you at the top of a tall building?
你可以马上到屋顶去吗 跳下去死吧你! Can you get to a roof quickly? Jump off!
我的意思是，你们这帮人真有病 I mean, you people are sick.
你为什么不去他妈的着一份真正的工作? Get a real fucking job, why don't you?
给你自己脑袋来一枪吧 Go shoot yourself in the fucking head.
嘿，你为什么不找把刀自己撞上去? Hey, why don't you just, you know, get a knife and run into it?
你为什么不这么做呢，恩? Why don't you do that, huh?
好吧 回见, James - Okay. - I'll see you later, James.
很高兴和你谈话 去你妈的吧 再见吧 - Nice to talk to you. - Fuck your mother, okay? Bye-bye.
哦 Oh.
嘿，伙计 给你弄来一箱子A片 Hey, man. Got a big box of porn for you.
我能进去吗? 可以 - Can I come in? - Yeah.
很棒的游戏座椅 Sweet video game chair.
箱子里是什么? So what's in the box?
我个人收藏的A片 It's my personal collection of erotica.
我想给你了 I want to give it to you.
我想也许其中几盘带子能打开... I think there might be a few tapes in there that just might open up...
爱情的潘多拉之盒 Pandora's box of love.
好的 Okay.
Amy和我经常看Harry Twatter... Amy and I, we used to watch Harry Twatter...
我们一边在电视上放... and we'd put it on the television...
一边模仿上面去做... and then act it out as it was going on...
这真是.... and it was...
她真可爱 She's adorable.
狗娘养的婊子 Fucking bitch.
恩，你真是慷慨而且... Well, you know, this is really gracious and kind...
大方 and generous and everything.
但是我不想有一大盒子A片在我公寓里 But I just don't want a big box of porn in my apartment.
还有真正的好东西呢 There's some really great stuff in here.
真的很棒的电影，伙计 Really great movies in here, man.
你看过摇滚学校?吗 Hey, did you ever see School of Rock?
看过 嗯，这个是.... - Yeah. - Well, this is...
这个是 ....学校 It's called School of...
你知道的.... You know...
很棒的 是黑鬼Jack主演 - That's nice. - But it stars Jack Black Cock.
明白了 That makes sense.
在这呢，伙计 Dude, here it is.
蠢猪Jams 第三纪 我剪辑制作的 Boner Jams '03. It's a mixed tape I made.
全是让我在2003年夏天沉浸其中的经典片段 All these great scenes that I was really into in the summer of 2003.
我想你一定会喜欢的 恩，我能看出来 - I think you'd really dig it. - Yeah. Now I can see that.
这个是... This is...
人人都爱雷蒙德 Everybody Loves Raymond.
这可能不是... That's probably not supposed to be...
这个很不错的连续剧 我有时会把他录下来 This is a good show. I just tape it sometimes.
我认为你有些东西不明白 Dave Well, I don't think you understand something, Dave.
我不想要这些东西? 因为我常常做那种事情 I don't want this stuff, okay? Because I don't do that, that much.
做什么，手淫? 是的 - What, masturbate? - Yeah.
我来这之前还做了两次呢 Dude, I've jacked it twice since I've been here.
你开玩笑吧? 为什么不? 我没这个业余爱好 - Are you kidding me? Why not? - It's not a hobby of mine.
嗯，那么,这就是你唯一没有的爱好 Well, then, that's the only hobby you don't have.
不，说真的 谈论这个我感觉不舒服... No, seriously, I just don't feel comfortable talking about...
你需要的 你受伤了 You need to. You're wound up.
你就像其中的一个... You're like one of these action figures...
都封闭在一个盒子中了 all hermetically sealed in your box.
你还玩... 不! - You gotta play with... - Don't!
别碰它! Don't take it out!
对不起 知道吗, 只是.... I'm sorry. You know what, it's just...
你如果把它从包装中取出来 它就不值钱了 It loses its value if you take it out of its packaging.
我想说 让它出来吧，给它些新鲜空气 I'm just saying, let it out. Give it some air, man. Play with it.
把你的A片拿走 我不拿 - Take your porn with you. - I'm not taking it.
把你的这箱子A片拿走 Take your box-o-porn.
是我给你的礼物 不，我不需要 - It's my gift to you. - No. I don't want it.
David, 这不是.... David, it's not...
Andy, 最后一次... Andy, for the last time...
我不要你这一大箱子色情的东西 I don't want your giant box of pornography.
不，不 不! 得了 伙计 No, no, no! Come on, man.
真没劲 So uncool.
没劲? Uncool?
非要把一箱子色情录像 带给一个老实人才是没劲呢, Andy. Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy.
最后一次,我不想... For the last time, I don't want to watch...
和你一起看公鸡学校 School of Cock with you.
这是非官方的 It's nothing official.
就是象征表示一下我的谢意 Just a little token of my appreciation.
嘿, Andy 我想和你说脏话 Hi, Andy. I'm gonna talk dirty to you.
我想和你做爱 I want to have lots of sexy sex with you.
我要抚摸你的大胖... I want to touch your big, fat noodle...
因为我想和你下流交往 'cause I want to have naughty intercourse with you.
我想让你的阴茎, 进入我的身体 Andy I want you to put your penis on, I mean, in me, Andy.
我想要做，好多次... I want to do lots of, lots of sexy...
和你做爱，见鬼 hot things with you. Shit.
这真的不管用 Andy 我不知道说什么... This really isn't working, Andy. I don't know what to say...
因为我就是你 because I am you.
好，换带子 Okay. New tape.
做什么都不对，都是我们的错 Nothing is ever good enough and it's always our fault.
嘿，不许对你母亲这么说话. Hey, you can't speak to your mother like that.
哪你呢 她不是我妈妈 - You do. - She's not my mother.
我听说Dave给了你一箱子A片 I heard Dave gave you the box of porn.
是啊 Yeah, he did.
你看了那个, 恩, 黄金现场... You ever watch, like, Primetime Live...
当他们在酒店房间打开黑灯... when they take a black light into a hotel room...
你就看到那些精子布满床单? and show you all the semen all over the bedspread?
是啊 Yeah.
你用箱子遮住一个 You blind someone with that box.
就可以从孔隙中看到那东西 Could see that thing from space.
你看到的这个是大荧幕电视中的本特利 This right here, you looking at the Bentley of big screen TVs.
我说的是电视中的劳斯莱斯.... I'm talking about, this is the Rolls-Royce of big screens...
有时我会认为这些蝴蝶就在这里 Sometimes, I think these butterflies are in here.
我想他可能在愚弄我们 I think he might be fooling us all, though.
真的? Really?
我事实上认为他的确是天才... I actually think he might be, like, some genius...
就像大的,恩, 欢闹的.... and this is like some big, like, hilarious...
他已经厌倦了工作想摆脱些东西... Like he's bored at work and he just wanted to kick up some shit...
所以他告诉我们他是处男 so he told us all he's a virgin.
你看到了很多东西都不在这里 You're seeing that a lot of stuff that's not there.
你全部注意力都集中在他身上了 You're just projecting all over him.
他也许是一个超级傻瓜... He might be an idiot savant...
但是他不, 比如 足够聪明可以到那个深度了 but he's not, like, clever enough to go that deep.
但是他很强壮 But he's got a great body.
你能收拾他吗? 纽约时间 - Would you fuck him? - In a New York minute.
你要收拾他? 绝对 - You would fuck him? - Absolutely.
嘿, Andy, 中午吃什么? Hey, Andy, what are you doing for lunch?
不知道，我有火鸡三明治 I don't know. I have a turkey sandwich.
我们去街角那里. 和我们一起吧 We're gonna go around the corner. I think you should come with us.
那地方不错 很多漂亮妞 There's this great place. A lot of cute giris.
我不知道. 好吧 I don't know. Okay.
我们给你一件衬衫 We brought you a shirt.
这里看其俩很奇特 This place is pretty fancy.
有什么事情吗? Something going on?
嘿，谁准备好了找乐子? Hey, who's ready to have some fun?
嘿，伙计们.... Hey, guys...
不，别忽略我 我知道这是什么 No, don't ignore me. I know what this is.
1个小时之内,你们每个人都会有20次约会 Within one hour, you'll each have 20 dates.
别....别这样 我在黄金直播中看到这个了 Don't... Please don't do this. I saw this on Primetime Live.
好吧，忍者师傅 All right, ninja master.
我们已经给了你所有我们能给你的建议 We've given you all the advice we have to give.
你现在要付诸于行动了 Now you gonna put it in action.
建议? 你们给我的建议都各不相同 Advice? You guys all gave me different advice.
他认为你是一个瘾君子 我是 - He thinks you're a pothead. - I am.
伙计，嘿，哥们 你还发什么牢骚? Dude. Hey, partner. What are you whining about?
你要求这个垃圾 不，我没有 - You asked for this shit. - No, I didn't.
你能不能别像婊子一样发牢骚? Will you just quit whining like a bitch?
我没有像婊子一样发牢骚 你就是像婊子一样发牢骚 - I'm not whining like a bitch. - You are whining like a bitch.
你可以在1天里坐到拉皮条的十年做的事情 And you about to cram like 10 years of pimpage into one day.
我可不想像拉皮条的.... 而且在此之后... - I don't want to cram pimpage. - And after that...
你已经到了我的这个层次了. 来吧 you on my level. Come on.
就是问问题 真是一个坏主意 - Just ask questions. - This is a bad idea.
嗨 嗨，你好吗? - Hi. - Hi. How are you?
我很好 I'm fine.
你好吗? Are you fine?
是的 Yeah.
那么你很好? You're fine then?
你他妈的是弱智吗? 你究竟有什么毛病? Are you fucking retarded? What the hell's the matter with you?
你想让我成为他妈的弱智吗? Do you want me to be fucking retarded?
但我看着孩子们和他们父母的眼睛的时候... When I look into the eyes of the children and the parents...
他们微笑着说: and they are smiling and saying:
谢谢你, Montalban医生 你救了我的孩子们'... "Thank you, Dr. Montalban, you saved my child"...
这很值得 it was worth it.
Amy...
你在这里做什么? David. - ...what are you doing here? - David.
你是Gina? Gina - And you are Gina? - Gina.
嘿，怎么了? 没什么 - Hey, what's up? - Nothing.
听着，我对你说实话吧 Look, I'm going to be real honest with you.
我已经很久没和男人在一起了 It's been a long time since I've been with a man.
我花了很多时间都和女人在一起 Spent a lot of time with the ladies.
我很想再回到那个大老二的男人身边 Looking to get back up on that pogo stick.
明白我再说什么吗 什么 - You know what I'm saying? - Excuse me.
记得那次我们做爱，你在我怀中哭? Remember that time when we made love and you cried in my arms?
请不要再回忆我们做爱的事情了, 求你了 Please don't reminisce about the times we fucked, please.
让我感到不安 我们去巴黎吧 - It's so creepy. - Let's go to Paris.
我要带你到埃弗尔铁塔下面做爱 I want to take you underneath the Eiffel Tower and make love to you.
住口 什么? - Cut it out. - Cut what out?
不要提什么巴黎了! 我们已经分手2年了 This go to Paris! We've been broken up for like two years, man.
我不想再和你约会了 I don't want to date you anymore.
你这个妓女 我不是妓女 - You're a whore. - I am not a whore.
我只是不喜欢你 I just didn't like you.
这就是我们老样子 This is so us.
变态的谈话 什么? - Psycho talk. - What?
你很英俊 谢谢你 - You're a good-looking man. - Thank you.
很漂亮 真的很柔软精巧的面容 Very pretty. Real soft, delicate features.
你很女人，知道吗，很适合我... You're real feminine, you know, which is good for me...
因为这会是一个简单的转换过程 because that would be a simple sort of transition.
你知道我再说什么吗? You know what I'm saying?
你擦点胭脂, 把你的蛋绑在后面 Maybe throw a little rouge on you, tuck your sac back.
你要玩吗? 不 - You game? - No.
你不要再缠着我的朋友了, 明白吗? You need to stop fucking around with my friend, okay?
因为你给了他希望, 而且让他疯狂 Because you're giving him hope, and it's driving the man crazy.
我搬家了 我更换了我的电子信箱地址 还有我的电话号码 I moved, I changed my e-mail address, my phone number.
实际上是他在纠缠我 He's practically stalking me.
嗯，我什么也不知道 那，我很抱歉 Well, I didn't know all that. So, I'm sorry.
我爱明尼苏达 I love Minnesota.
我在明尼阿波利斯外的一个小镇长大的... I grew up in a town outside of Minneapolis...
人口只有500人左右，很少 with a population of, like, 500 people. Really small.
是啊，就像一个千湖岛 Yeah, it's like the Land of a Thousand Lakes.
你呢?你曾经在一个大城市吗 What about you? You're used to, like, a really big city.
真的.... 上帝啊, 是 Really... God, yes.
我成长的那个小镇真的很小，我的意思是... The town that I grew up in was really small. I mean...
很安全，没有犯罪 you know, it was just so safe. There was no crime.
我的意思是，一个女孩可以从一个镇到另一个... I mean, a girl could just walk from one end of town to the other...
就那么简单 感觉完全安全 and just, you know, feel completely safe.
你想他是不是够了? You suppose he's had enough?
油箱又一次充满了 Spank bank has once again been filled.
我告诉你哪一个最热辣吧 I'll tell you who's the hottest.
你回认为我疯了 让我告诉你： Gina You're gonna think I'm crazy. Let me tell you. Gina.
我满脑子都是她 挥之不去 Can't get va-Gina out of my head. Va-Gina all week.
多有趣的游戏阿? 嗯? - You know what's a fun game? - Huh?
...要吃三片阿司匹林 You take three Excedrin PMs...
在你睡着前能否被击倒 and you see if you could whack off before you fall asleep.
你总是赢 这就是游戏里面最棒的地方 You always win is the best part about the game.
你是Andy? 是的 - Are you Andy? - Yeah.
这个是你的吗? 是你写的这些东西? Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
我女朋友, Jill 发现了你写的速配卡片 My girlfriend, Jill, found your speed-dating card.
是的，是啊 Yeah, right.
上帝,我一直在找这个 God, I've been looking for that speed-dating card.
非常感谢你拿来给我 Thank you so much for bringing it to me.
那么是你写的，有一个女孩像个傻瓜... So, you actually wrote that one girl looked like...
她"吊凯子"? she was "hurting for a squirting"?
嗯，是啊 吊凯子 我写的 Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Hurting for a squirting, I wrote that.
那么你还写了 一个跳脱衣舞的妓女 So you wrote "ho fo show."
是的，我记得这个女孩 她是一个妓女 Yeah, I remember that girl. She was a ho.
跳脱衣舞的 Fo show.
让我给你演示这个设备是如何工作的 Let me show you how this device works.
我想要一个无绳电话 Right, I'm just looking for a cordless phone.
是的，很棒的 你可以做任何事情，视频日记.... Yup, it's great. You can do anything, make video diaries...
恩, Amy, 你过得如何? 你感觉如何? 我很好 Hey, Amy, how's it going? How you feeling? I'm great.
我们分手以后感觉好极了 I feel fantastic since we broke up.
我感觉棒极了! I feel awesome!
你能告诉我买电话的柜台吗? Can you just show me the department where there would be phones?
你过得如何? 过得好吗.... How have you been? What's been going on...
我打赌.... 嘿, 你是不是经常这么做啊? I bet... Hey, have you been doing a lot of this?
先生，拜托 先生 Sir, please, sir.
你简直是... You are never gonna meet anybody...
对女人偏见到极点, 你这个恶心的狗娘养的 with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch.
你他妈的算什么来审问我? Who the fuck are you to put me on trial?
我根本没见过你 I've never even met you.
你为什么不闭上臭嘴, 可以吗? So why don't you back the shit off, all right?
别在这审问了 And stop with the inquisition.
这就是你要说的? That's how you talk?
知道吗，我没必要回答你 You know what, I don't have to answer to you.
你也不是我的婊子 You ain't my bitch.
听清楚我说得了? Know what I saying?
那么, 狗屎, 伙计.见鬼去吧 So, shit, man. Fuck it.
你不应该和这个变态一起鬼混 You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.
我没有和他一起鬼混 我和他一起工作，就这样 I don't hang out with him. I work with him and that's it.
我曾尝试介绍他给几个很好的人... I tried to introduce him to a few nice people...
他把自己当傻瓜 he made a fool of himself.
我没和他鬼混，宝贝 那不是我 I don't mess with him, baby. That's not me.
你应该把你的婊子拴在绳子上 You should keep your ho on a leash.
兄弟，我不能让你这么... 嘿 - Bro, I can't let you... - Hey.
我不能让你这么说我的女人，伙计 I can't let you be talking to my woman like that, dawg.
知道我说什么吗? 母狗是很野的 伙计 - Know what I'm saying? - Bitch is running wild, man.
你会想念这个屁股吗? 这个是个自由男人的屁股 You miss that ass? That's the ass of a free man.
这个屁股今晚要出去 也许去俱乐部 That ass is going out tonight, maybe to a club.
也许夜总会 Maybe to a night club.
嘿, Andy... Hey, Andy...
看看你的好朋友 哦，我的上帝阿 - ...take a look at your pal. - Oh, my God.
是啊，他在上演公共直肠镜检查 Yeah, he's performing a public colonoscopy.
不是很好吗? Isn't that sweet?
今天我放假David回家... I'm gonna send David home for the day...
你来替班 and you're gonna fill in for him.
什么，卖东西? 说对了 - What? Selling things? - You got that right.
我不认为这是个好主意 I don't think that's a good idea.
而且你的和人交谈 And you're gonna have to talk to people, too.
我知道这对你来说是一个可怕的概念.. I know that's a frightening concept to you...
但是我认为你可以处理好 but I think you can handle it.
那么快去卖东西吧 So get out there and start selling some shit.
...给Amy的东西 ...thing for Amy.
抓住 看看这个 - Hold it. - Check it out.
我想她 I miss her.
伙计，这层绝对充满诱惑 Dude, the floor's the ultimate aphrodisiac.
你要做得就是去选一个 All you got to do is go make your pick now.
去吧，伙计 好吧 - Come on, man. - Okay.
你可以表现的热心一点 And you could act a little enthused about it.
好 Yeah.
这就对了 这就对了 粉色上衣的那只小羊 That's right. That's right. Gazelle in the pink top.
哦，见鬼 嗨 - Oh, shit. - Hi.
看起来你再看数码相机 Looks like you're checking out digital cameras.
知道吗, 他不会自动这么做的 You know what, he ain't going to do it willingly.
不，我们还得做些事情帮他一把 No. We need to, like, really facilitate things a bit more.
嘿, Andy. 是我 - Yo, Andy. - Yeah.
什么事 伙计? 我是Jay, 哥们 What's up, dude? This is Jay, man.
嘿, Jay. Hey, Jay.
今晚我举办一个聚会 I am throwing a party tonight.
绝对会很棒的 It's gonna be real mellow, just chilled up.
你绝对有必要来 Now, you really need to be there.
会真的很精彩的 It's gonna be really, really colorful.
你有空吗? Are you free?
嗯，我想是的 Yeah, I think so.
你开玩笑,我知道你有空的 That was a joke, man. I know you're free.
恩 我要走了，伙计 - I'm okay. - Gotta go, man.
好吧，再见 All right, bye.
那么，告诉我, Montel... So, tell me, Montel...
为什么不邀请我们去晚会? 我门是恐怖组织的吗? why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, Al-Qaeda?
不，别着急 No, hold up.
不，不 那不是那种聚会 - No, no. - It's not that kind of party, y'all.
你也别来我们的聚会了 懂吗? You're not coming to our fucking party either, okay?
你去死吧? Fuck you, okay?
首先, 不是那种聚会 First of all, it ain't that kind of party.
去操山羊吧 对 - Go fuck a goat. - Yeah.
你为什么送让我去操山羊，伙计? Why you always telling me to fuck a goat, man?
去操山羊吧! Fuck a goat!
喂? Hello?
你好 Hello.
你好，嗨 Hello. Hi.
你是来参加Jay的聚会的? 是的 - Are you here for Jay's party? - Yes.
我就是Jay的聚会 I am Jay's party.
知道吗, 叫一个人妖妓女 这样帮不了我，伙计们 You know what, hiring a transvestite prostitute isn't helping me, man.
什么? 没人叫人妖妓女阿 What? Ain't nobody hired no damn transvestite.
你在说什么? What are you talking about?
顺便一提，他还真漂亮 She was really nice, incidentally.
如果哪个姐姐是人妖... If that sister was a transvestite...
也是人妖中的蒙娜丽莎 that was the Mona Lisa of transvestites.
你脑袋里装了收音机芯片吧? You got a hummer from the tranny, didn't you?
他们是不是欠我们一个? 因为技术上来说，我们已经付钱了 You know, aren't we owed one now? 'Cause technically we paid her.
去准备老二吧, 伙计 Get a dick, man.
你们真的喜欢我吗? Do you guys even like me?
还是这是一个粗俗的玩笑? Or is this some sort of cruel joke that you're all in on?
因为我不是变态，我是正常人 Because I'm not a freak. I'm a good person.
我一直认为Matt Damon 很像Streisand, 但是... I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but...
我想在这里他演的很烂 I think that he's rocking the shit in this one.
闭嘴, Dave! Shut up, Dave!
等一下. 我们休战1分钟 Hold up. Let's just chill on the aggression for a minute.
看看他 他真是一个坏屁股 Look at him. He is such a bad ass.
他像Luke Wilson. He looks just like Luke Wilson.
恩 Mmm-hmm.
那么你认为她肯定是个男的? So you saying she was definitely a man?
是的 Yes.
好吧, 恩,你是怎么知道她是个男人的? Okay, well, how do you know that she was a man?
因为她的手像巨人安德烈的手一样大 Because her hands were as big as Andr?the Giant's.
她有一个像他的睾丸一样大的喉结 And she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.
那么你没有证据 So you have no proof.
知道吗? 别烦我 You know what? Just leave me alone.
离我远点，否则我就去告诉 Paula... Just stay away from me. Or I'm gonna tell Paula...
你们偷了刻录盘的事情 that you're all stealing the recordable CDs.
得了 因为我们收了钱了 - Come on. - That's like we were paid to do it.
我们这么做 因为我们是你的朋友... We did this 'cause we're your friends...
我们认为你没有胆量自己这么做 and we didn't think you have the balls to do it yourself.
真的? 是的 - Really? - Yeah.
好吧，看这个 Okay, watch this.
嗨, Andy,只不过是CD而已 Yo, Andy, it's just CDs, man.
会让我第三次事业的，伙计 That's a third strike for me, dawg.
嗨 Hi.
Andy.嗨 是啊 - Andy. Hi. - Right, yeah.
你记住我的名字了 是啊 - You remember my name. - I did.
你好吗? 我很好 我喜欢你的小店 - How you doing? - I'm great. I like your store.
很好, 是的 如果你有时间, 可以随便看看.... That's good, yeah. If you have time, look around. It's...
好的 Okay.
生意如何? How's business been?
你知道，一直在发展 我的意思是，还需要些时间 You know, it's coming along. I mean, it takes a while.
你愿意出去玩吗? 好啊 - Do you want to go out sometime? - Yes.
时，我很乐意 一定会很棒的 Yes, I would like that. That would be great.
我像这个周末也许有空, 如果可以的话 I think I'm maybe free this weekend, if that's okay.
或者你明天给我打电话我们在敲定 Or you could call me tomorrow and we can just firm it up.
好的，好极了 很好 - Okay. Great. - Great.
好的，那么我给你打电话 嗯，很好 Okay, so I'll call you, and yeah, that'll be good.
你好吗? 恭喜你 - How you doing? - Congratulations.
好吧, 那么我.... 好吧 Okay, so I'll... Yeah.
需要帮忙吗? Can I help you?
是的, 这些东西很不错，我买了 Yeah, these are wonderful. I'll take these.
谢谢，的确是 他们很不错. 金鱼让我喜欢的不得了 Thanks, they are. They're great. The goldfish just crack me up.
有趣 Funny.
是的，的确 是啊 - Yeah, they are. - Yeah.
是啊 他们很可爱 - Yeah. - They're cute.
我实际上不在这里卖东西 我在eBay上卖 I don't actually sell anything here. I just sell them on eBay.
我不知道 I don't get it.
好吧 Okay.
你能帮我吗? 不 你靠你自己了 - Can you help me? - No, you're on your own here.
祝你好运, 你也是 我会给你打电话的 Good luck to you, and to you. And I'll give you a call.
好的，很高兴见到你 谢谢你能来 - Great. Nice to see you. - Great. Thanks for coming in.
再见 Bye.
那么 我想我就给你些钱... So, I guess I'll just give you some money...
你就可以把这些鞋给我.... and you can give me these shoes and...
你知道,我知道这有些奇怪... You know, I know it seems so strange...
是的，我想直接在你这买了 Yes. I'd just rather buy them from you straight up.
是的，我知道 我也希望能如此简单 但是... Yeah, I know. I wish it could be that easy, but...
我也希望如此 但是你把事情弄复杂了 I wish, too, but you're making it extremely difficult for me.
我就是想把鞋买回家... I'm just trying to get these shoes back to my house...
我就能穿了 so I can wear them.
尸体挡路 I got a corpse in my way.
小心 杀了他 Look out. Just kill it.
这真是太不公平了，你有大刀.... That's just so not fair that you have blades and...
我告诉你，伙计 我感觉很好 I'm telling you, man, I feel great.
我如此.... 感觉像在健身 I'm so... It's like a weight has been lifted.
独身也不错啊, 伙计 Andy 这么做对了, 你知道? Celibacy is the way to go, man. Andy had it right, you know?
看看他 他看起来比我们都年轻... Look at him. He looks younger than all of us...
但是他却比我们大10岁 but he's 10 years older.
为什么? 因为他从来就没有过感情经历 Why? Because he's never had a relationship.
没有女魔鬼强迫他的生活 No she-devil sucked his life force out yet.
喂? 嗨. 你好 - Hello? - Hey. Hi. Hello.
你是Trish吗? Is this Trish?
请问谁打得电话 ? 我是Andy - Who's calling, please? - This is Andy.
嗨, Andy. 嗨，你好吗? - Hi, Andy. - Hi, how you doing?
我很好 你怎么样? 我很不错 - I'm good. How're you doing? - I'm doing great.
你是同性恋了? So you're gay, now?
不，我不是同性恋 我只是庆祝 No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
我想.... 我的意思, 你听起来像个同性恋 I think... I mean, that sounds gay.
我想让你知道，这个是三次.. I just want you to know that this is the first conversation...
能让你变成同性恋的交谈中的第一次 of three conversations that leads to you being gay.
然后，一年以内... There's this and then in a year it's like, "You know...
"我想回到过去,但是我想我喜欢男人" "I'm kind of going to wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys."
然后突然发现"我已经是同性恋了" And then there's the big, "I'm a gay guy now."
你这说你就是同性恋了 我这说我就是同性恋了? - You're gay for saying that. - I'm gay for saying that?
你知道我怎么知道你是同性恋的吗? 如何?你如何知道我是同性恋? - You know how I know you're gay? - How? How do you know I'm gay?
因为你穿着飞边牛仔短裤 'Cause you macram閐 yourself a pair of jean shorts.
你知道我怎么知道你是同性恋的吗? You know how I know you're gay?
你刚刚告诉我你再也不和女人上床了 You just told me you're not sleeping with women anymore.
你知道我怎么知道你是同性恋的吗? 如何? - You know how I know you're gay? - How?
因为你是同性恋，而且你能认出其他同性恋来? 'Cause you're gay and you can tell who other gay people are?
你知道我怎么知道你是同性恋的吗? 如何? - Do you know how I know you're gay? - How?
你喜欢Coldplay（一个组合） You like Coldplay.
你死了 You're dead.
的了 Come on.
至少给我留了个全尸 Leave my torso alone at least.
我打电话想知道... I also wanted to call...
你哪天晚上有空可以出来 and see what night you might want to go out.
我明天晚上有空 I'm actually free tonight.
好的, 我想也许是周末呢, 但是这样也不错，好的 Okay. Now, I was thinking maybe this weekend, but that's good. Okay.
好极了 Great.
好，那你什么时间来接我? Okay, what time do you want to pick me up?
我想想看看 Let's see.
这的确是个问题因为我骑自行车 That's actually kind of a problem because I ride a bike.
真酷阿 你开玩笑? That's cool. Are you kidding me?
我爱坐在摩托车后面 I love getting on the back of a motorcycle.
大学里我男朋友骑摩托 My boyfriend in college drove a motorcycle.
所以，我的意思是，没问题 So, I mean, I'm cool.
是啊，我打赌一定很酷 我骑的是自行车 Yeah, I bet that was cool. I ride a bicycle.
你知道我怎么知道你是同性恋的吗? You know how I know that you're gay?
如何? How?
你喜欢《曼哈顿的女仆》这个片子 You like the movie Maid in Manhattan.
你知道我怎么知道你是同性恋的吗? 如何? - You know how I know you're gay? - How?
我看见过你有一次吃芹菜和酵母面包 I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
你知道我怎么知道你是同性恋的吗? 如何? - You know how I know you're gay? - How?
你车保险杠上有一个彩虹帖纸，上面写着 You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says:
"我喜欢球在脸上的感觉" "I love it when balls are in my face."
这就是同性恋了? That's gay?
见鬼! God damn it!
我现在就把你的头扯掉. 已经掉了 I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off.
现在我把你的头扔在你的尸体上 And now I'm throwing it at your body.
你去死吧! Fuck you!
伙计们... You guys...
她一个小时之内来接我 she's picking me up in an hour.
哦，伙计 Oh, drag, dude.
你来这里接你? 是啊 - She's picking you up from here? - Yeah.
这真糟透了 伙计 That's fucked up, man.
为什么? 为什么? - Why? - Why?
说真的，伙计，你看看着这地方 Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man.
你应该从女人的角度看看 知道吗? You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know?
当她进来的时候她会怎么想? 看啊 What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look.
他有好多玩具阿 那又怎么样? - He's got a billion toys. - So what?
还有比十岁的亚洲小孩还多的电子游戏 And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.
这没什么阿 It's all right.
这个是六百万富翁 的老板吗? Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
是奥斯卡金人 It's Oscar Goldman.
为什么你会有这个? 这个很值钱的 - Why do you have that? - That's worth a lot of money.
这个比Steve Austin（著名摔跤手）值钱多了 That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
嗯，这也许是个例子 但是这些烂东西没有一个性感的, 对吧? Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?
我不想性感 伙计 I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
我的意思是，说真的，亚洲? I mean, seriously, Asia?
你还订装了一个亚洲海报? You framed an Asia poster?
当你带这个东西进那个装框店的时候... How hard did the people at the frame store laugh...
店里的人笑成了什么样子? 他们没有笑我 - ...when you brought this in? - They did not laugh at me.
你知道你为什么是同性恋吗? 因为你喜欢亚洲 - Know why you're gay? - Because you like Asia.
你们不要提什么同性恋了 You guys cool it with the gay.
知道吗，她已经在路上了, 明白吗? You know, she's on her way over here, okay?
首先，你放松, 好吧? First, you relax, okay?
别总让我冷静，告诉我该做什么吧 Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
我们把那些难为情的东西... Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing...
搬出去 and we move it out of here.
这样看起来不像杰克逊的梦幻庄园了 So it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.
嗨 嗨. 你好吗? - Hi. - Hi. How are you?
很好 Good.
那么，你想我们现在就出发吗? So, you wanna head out?
你刚搬进来还是怎么回事? Did you just move in or something?
不是，实际上我买了一块新地毯 No. Actually I'm getting new carpet in.
我明天要铺那个新地毯, 所以.... I'm having carpet put in tomorrow, so...
恩 你知道的 是啊 - Well, you know. - Yeah.
好吧 地板看起来很不错 - Okay. - Looks good with the floors.
是啊 好吧 - Yeah. - All right.
我应该把硬木撬开来... I should tear up the hard wood...
看看下面是否有地毯 and see if there's carpet underneath.
那绝不可能 That's never the case.
一定会很有趣 是的 - This is gonna be fun. - Yes.
我每天都开车来这里 You know, I drive by this place every day.
我以前从来没来过 I've never been in before.
很高兴你能来 I'm glad you came.
我从来没和像你这样的好人约会过 You know, I never really go out with nice guys like you.
我想这一辈子我都在逼我自己... I think I've avoided nice guys like you my whole life...
躲着好人 at my own peril.
我上一个男朋友经常喝多 My last boyfriend drank a lot.
恩 Mmm-hmm.
所以 这是果汁汽酒 - And so... - This is just punch.
不，没关系得 喝一点点没关系的 No, it's okay. A little bit's fine.
大佛汽酒 我要佛爷保护 Buddha punch. I need some Buddha.
不好意思，小姐 你们可以一起... Excuse me, miss. Could you gather your team...
为我的女儿唱首生日歌吗, 拜托? and sing happy birthday for my daughter, please?
这太棒了.是吧? 是啊，生日快乐 - That was so good. What? - That was great. Happy birthday.
也是你的生日吗? 不 - It's your birthday, too? - No.
也是他的生日 不，不，不 - It's his birthday, too. - No, no, no.
你们可以给他唱生日歌吗 也给他来一个生日蛋糕? Could you sing for him and bring him a cake?
生日快乐 Happy birthday.
非常感谢 生日快乐, Andy - Thanks a lot. - Happy birthday, Andy.
你真得很喜欢接吻是吗? 是的 - You really like kissing, don't you? - Yes.
是的 I really do.
脱掉你的裤子 好吧? Take off your pants, okay?
好的 好的 - Okay. - Okay.
哇，真的要发生了 哦，是啊 - Wow, this is really gonna happen. - Oh, yeah.
感谢上帝 Thank God.
好了，我脱掉裤子 对 - Okay, I'm taking off my pants. - Yeah.
你需要帮忙吗? Do you need some help?
我想我差不多要脱下来了 裤子勾到我的脚后跟了 I think I almost got them. It's hooked on my ankle.
哦，这真是.... Wow, that's...
嘿，等一下 有保护措施吗? Hey, wait. Do you have protection?
我不喜欢枪 I don't like guns.
真有趣 That's funny.
我这有安全套 I have condoms right here. Okay?
好的 恩.... - Okay. - There's, you know...
检查一下过期时间 因为是我结婚的时候买的 Check the expiration date because they were from when I was married.
而且我们不经常做爱 这就是为什么有这么多安全套? And we didn't have sex that often. That's why there are so many, okay?
恩 Okay.
我找到了 I got them.
这个怎么用? How does this go?
好的 "套在阴茎上 从上至下 直到底部..." Okay. "Roll over the tip and down onto the base."
睾丸上面? Over the balls?
没提到阿 It doesn't say.
我可以用你的酒瓶吗? Do you mind if I use your magnum?
可以 Yeah.
哇，一定在开玩笑 Wow. You got to be kidding.
我是海底超人 I am Aquaman.
这是什么? What is that?
妈妈? Mom?
这是怎么回事? What's going on here?
你是谁? 这是Andy - Who the hell are you? - It's Andy.
嘿，我是Andy Hi, I'm Andy.
上帝啊，你在做什么? God! What are you doing?
Marla,快从我房间滚出去! Marla, get the fuck out of my room!
知道吗... You know what...
我真不敢相信你可以做爱，我却不行 I cannot believe that you're allowed to have sex when I'm not!
这太不公平了 我要走了 - That is so unfair. - I'm gonna head out.
你应该走了 You should go.
哦，上帝啊! 你们刚才究竟做了多少次? Oh, Jesus! How many times did you just do it?
哦，上帝啊! Oh, my God!
我很抱歉 I'm so sorry.
伙计，教教我吧 Dude, teach me.
(男人)热线接通 Hotline.
嗨，我打电话是因为已经四个多小时了... Hi, yes, I'm calling because it's more than four hours...
你们的广告说如果超过4个小时就要打电话过来 and your ad said to call if it's been more than four hours.
你吃了多少壮阳药，先生? How much of the medicine have you taken, sir?
我什么都没吃,你们的广告上说... I haven't taken any, but your ad said...
如果你勃起超过4个小时，你在打电话过来 that if you've had an erection for more than four hours, you call.
如果你使用了我们的药物，你在打电话过来 You're only supposed to call if you've taken the medicine.
好吧，我很抱歉 我一定是没听见那部分 Okay. I'm sorry. I must not have heard that part.
是的，如果你没吃我们的药 不要打电话过来 Yes. If you haven't taken the medicine, you don't call.
好的，我很抱歉，好的 Right. I'm sorry. Right.
那么，你帮不上什么忙了? So, there's nothing you can do?
我就是不想... 帮不上你了 - I just don't wanna... - There's nothing I can do.
我在印度，孟买 I'm in Bombay, India.
好吧，不 不一定你亲自来 我就是不想.... Okay. No, not you personally. I just don't want...
我就是不想在勃起了 I just don't want to have an erection anymore.
知道吗，你可以去做爱 You know, you could have sex.
好吧，好的 Okay. Yup.
这就是当人们勃起的时候要做的 That's one thing people do when they have an erection.
没得选择，我现在没办法做爱 Yeah, that's not an option. I don't have sex.
好吧，那么你可以手淫 Okay, well, then you can masturbate.
我也不想手淫 I'd rather not masturbate.
如果你想勃起消退，你可以点燃一个火柴... If you'd like the erection to go away, you can light a match...
吹灭火焰 然后戳在你的手腕上 blow out the flame and put the hot ember on your wrist.
这可以使到脑的集中里转移到其他地方... And that will focus the brain elsewhere...
那样勃起就可以消退了 真的，行得通吗? - ...and you will lose your erection. - Really? That'd work?
用你的手指轻弹你的睾丸... Take your finger and flick your testicle...
直到感到疼痛... and if you do that till it hurts...
勃起就消退了 好的，好吧 - ...your erection will go away. - Okay, all right.
虽然听起来不太舒服 It sounds unpleasant and it is.
这是我在印度用的土办法 It is a trick we use in India.
好的，您的建议很有用 我真得很感谢 Okay, those are all good pieces of advice. I really appreciate it.
感谢您使用本公司产品 We appreciate your business.
哦，错了 你没有用我们的药... Oh, no. We didn't get your business...
是的，这次没有 我想这次不需要你，谢谢 No, not this time. I guess I didn't need you this time. Thank you.
我的上帝啊, Andy,你真是一个了不起的销售员 My goodness, Andy, you are a terrific salesman.
谢谢你 见鬼，你干得真不错 - Thank you. - Gosh, you really got it down.
谢谢 业绩不错 - Thanks. - And your numbers are good.
谢谢 Thanks.
我想让你全职做这个 I'm going to put you out on the floor full time.
真的? 是的 - Really? - Yeah.
哇，好吧 Wow. Okay.
很好. 我要给你西服和领带,如何? Good. We're gonna get you a blue shirt and tie, all right?
好极了，谢谢 Great. Thanks.
知道吗, Andy,我一直在想你的问题 You know, Andy, I've been thinking about your problem.
我想我也许找到了解决办法 I think I might have a solution for you.
你听过这个"性伴侣"词没? You ever heard of the term "fuck buddy"?
什么? What?
一个很特殊的朋友... It's a special friend...
你可以干的 who you fuck.
不，从来没听过这个词 No, haven't heard that term.
当我还是小女孩的时候，我很早熟 When I was a little girl, I developed early.
当我14岁的时候 我就发育成像现在这个样子了 By the time I was 14, I had this body you're looking at.
你可以想象吗? 我不想，不 - Can you imagine that? - I don't want to, no.
嗯，不用说，我吸引了很多男性的注意力 Well, needless to say, a lot of male attention.
嗯，是啊 Like men, yes.
特别是我家的危地马拉的园丁Javier Especially from our Guatemalan gardener, Javier.
恩 Okay.
你知道, Javier他... You know, Javier...
在他第一次和我温柔的又热情的做爱之前... before he made passionate yet gentle love to me for the first time...
他给我唱了一首美丽的危地马拉的情歌 he serenaded me with a beautiful old Guatemalan love song.
真的.... Really, that's...
听起来好极了 That sounds nice.
好 Okay.
我的上帝啊 My goodness.
我想我们最好回去工作了 是啊 - I think we better get back to work. - Yeah.
是啊，我最好回去工作了 是的 - Yeah, I better go back to work. - Yeah.
那么，好的 好吧 - So, okay. - All right.
那么你仔细捉摸一下，我迟些和你谈 So, you mull it over and I'll talk to you soon.
好的，我会的 谢谢你 好的 - All right, I will. Thank you. - Okay.
怎么回事 伙计? 发生了什么事情? 你和Trish约会如何? What's up, dawg? What happened? How was the date with Trish?
真是个灾难 真的? - It was a disaster. - Really?
是啊，我这辈子从来没那么丢人过 Yes. I've never been more embarrassed in my life.
没办法戴上安全套 Couldn't get the condoms to work.
其中有一个还爆炸了，崩到了我的睾丸 And one of them exploded on my balls.
她的孩子走进了房间 And then her kid walked in the room.
等下，等一下 Wait. Hold up.
她像你隐瞒了她有孩子, 伙计? She was hiding the kid from you, dawg?
其实，没什么关系.. You know what, it doesn't matter...
因为从此就该走下坡路了 because it was going downhill straight from there.
听着, 这事儿可没这么简单 Listen, you don't want no baby-daddy drama.
这次一定要听我的，好吗? Trust me on this one, all right?
他老公可能正在蹲大牢 For all you know, he in prison right now.
假如说你们俩在一起了 Let's say y'all living together.
接下来会怎么样呢？ 每个月的1号和15号... Next thing you know, you the one going on the 1st and the 15th...
你就得替她付账单 to pick up the government check.
要是他老公在外面有兄弟... What if he got boys that's on the outside...
他们盯上了你怎么办? and they stalking you?
你懂我的意思吗？ 你得好好想想，伙计 You see what I'm saying? You got to think, partner...
你他妈的胡说些什么啊? What the fuck are you talking about?
我告诉你该怎么办 你跟她说你是个处男 Here's what you do. You tell her you're a virgin.
看看她有什么反应? You test her with this shit, okay?
来，先跟我演练一下 来 Here, tell me. Tell me. This is how it's gonna go. Tell me.
我是个处男 很好 - I'm a virgin. - Sweet.
我很喜欢 因为这样的话说明你没有性病 I like that because you don't have chlamydia.
这种人到处都是 And I know that, and that shit is everywhere.
可要是她笑话我怎么办? What if she laughs at me, though?
她要是敢笑 你就给她点颜色看看 Then you punch her in the fucking head if she laughs.
我可不会动手打她 她是个好人 I'm not going to punch her in the head. She's really sweet.
我的意思是 在精神上给她点颜色看看 No. I mean, you punch her in her fucking head emotionally.
她与众不同 我感觉好像…… She's different. She's someone I felt like I had...
她和我有某种联系 a connection with.
你现在需要做的就是打出这第一炮 All you trying to do right now is bust off this first night.
你的弹药储备了好久了 You got a whole lot of semen back up in you.
那我去跟她说 I am going to tell her.
这样就对了，哥们 我会去的 - You should totally tell her, man. - I'm going to.
因为我看过大话王这个电影 'Cause I watched this movie called Liar Liar...
它告诉人们一个道理 “千万别撒谎” and the message was, "Don't lie."
很有哲理 And that was a smart movie.
是啊，没错 好的 - Yeah, that's the right thing. - Yeah.
真的? 你的朋友们也都喜欢和处男上床? Really? All your girlfriends wanted to have sex with virgins, too?
这太有意思了 我根本不知道你们谈论这些 That's funny. I didn't even know you girls talked like that.
我想我的第一次也会是 你最美妙的一次 I think my first time might be your best time, too.
哦，我知道 你知道什么... Well, I knew it. You know what...
我知道你会有这样的反应 还有…… I knew that you'd react that way and I knew that...
你肯定想全情投入的... you would want to lead me through my first sexual encounter...
百般呵护的... with all the compassion and care that someone...
带我展开第一次性的体验 would give to their soul mate.
噢 天哪，我有麻烦了 Oh, my God. I'm in trouble.
嗨, Andy. Hey, Andy.
今晚还看《幸存者》么? You watching Survivor tonight?
呃……不了 今晚我要和人出去吃饭 No, actually I'm going out to dinner with somebody.
嗨 Hi.
就是她 This is her.
Trish, 这是Joe和Sara. 嗨 - Trish, this is Joe and Sara. - Hi.
嗨 Trish 嗨 - Hi, Trish. - Hey.
不过帮我录下来，好吗? But tape it for me, okay?
没问题 好吧 谢谢 - Will do. All right. - Thanks.
再会 再会 - So long. - Bye-bye.
再见 玩得开心 - See you later. - Have a good night.
好啊，小伙子今晚终于要开张了 Yeah, my man's gonna get it on tonight.
是的 先生 Yes, sir.
是啊，咱俩也很久没开张了 Yeah, and you better get on me, too.
这老婆子怎么了? What is wrong with this woman?
上帝啊，宽恕她吧 宽恕她吧 Mercy, mercy, mercy.
那晚的事，我很抱歉 I'm so sorry that happened the other night.
不，抱歉的应该是我 No, I'm sorry.
哦，我的上帝啊 应该我道歉 - Oh, my God. - That was me.
不 No.
让我... 我有话想和你说 Let me... I have something I want to tell you.
不过很难开口 Kind of hard to talk about.
但是... But...
你知道，有些事情... you know, there are certain things...
比如我是谁，还有.... about who I am that...
对不起，让我先说吧 这话我憋了很久了 I'm sorry. I just have to get this off my chest.
太对不起了 我没有告诉你我有孩子 I am so sorry, I didn't tell you I had kids.
是啊，这是怎么回事? Yeah, what was that about?
天哪，真的让我大吃一惊 Gosh. You know, that really surprised me.
也许你是该告诉我，但是…… No, you should have told me probably, but...
对不起，我知道 I'm sorry. I know.
你有没有孩子和我有什么关系? What do I care if you have a kid?
好吧，我有两个孩子 Well, I have two kids.
哇，好吧，他们多大了? Wow. Okay. How old are they?
6岁 Six.
16岁 Sixteen.
21岁 Twenty-one.
42岁 Forty-two.
56岁 你到底有多少个孩子? Fifty-six. How many kids do you have?
好吧，其实是三个 - I have three. - Okay, three.
其中一个已经有孩子了 Yeah, and one of them has a kid.
1岁大的孩子 A one-year-old.
哦，太好了 That's cool. That's great.
我们这样交谈感觉很好 我也是 - I'm really glad we're doing this. - Me, too.
听着, Andy... Listen, Andy...
我不是想把你吓跑 但是... I don't want to send you running for the hills or anything, but...
我想如果我们决定继续下去的话... I really feel like if we decide to do this again, then...
也许我们应该把生理问题放在一边 maybe we should hold off on the physical part for a while.
这主意太棒了 That is a fantastic idea.
我怎么就想不到? Why didn't I think of that?
真的? 绝对是 - Really? - Totally.
不做爱? 当然不要，为什么要做爱? - No sex? - No. Why do that?
因为，我是这样想的 Because here's the thing.
从我个人的经验来说... From personal experience...
我发现性爱有时会把事情变得复杂 I found that sex can really complicate things.
而我们现在应该做的是 逐渐了解对方 And what we should be doing right now is getting to know each other.
是啊 Yeah.
我没想到你会赞同 Well, I never thought you'd go for it.
我当然赞同 I'm going for it.
这想法真是非常、非常的棒 Well, that just is a great, great notion.
你是当真的吧? Are you serious?
你看我的脸，有多严肃 Look at my face. Look at how serious I am.
你能看到我的鼻孔吗? Can you see my nostrils?
是的 瞧它多严肃 - Yes. - That's serious.
看上去更像是生气 That's more angry.
可是，你知道 大多数男人现在会说: Yeah, you know what, most guys would be saying:
"没问题", 可是到了第三次约会 就会改口说: "Yeah," right now, but, like, by the third date, it would be:
嗨，宝贝, 我真的需要用身体来表达我的感觉... "Hey, baby, I really need to physically express how I feel"...
诸如此类的 哦，嗨，宝贝.. - ...and all that stuff. - Well, hey, baby...
你知道的, 3次.... 10次吧，10次 you know, three dates... Make it 10, 10 dates.
15次怎么样? How about 15?
15次？让15次见鬼吧 20次吧 Fifteen. Screw your 15. 20 dates.
好的，20次 20次 - Okay, 20 dates. - Twenty dates.
好的 我简直是天才 - Okay. - This is genius.
你会受伤的 It's gonna hurt.
没有你想得那么严重 Not as much as you think.
这样我们也可以真正开始互相了解 We can really get to know each other this way.
没错 Yeah.
这算一次，对吗? 不，从下次开始算 - This is one, right? - No, next one.
我们进来方便吗 还是你们正在做? Is it safe to come in, or are you guys doing it?
方便，亲爱的 Honey, it's safe.
好极了 Great.
你们来的正是时候 Well, good timing.
是啊 你还记得 Marla吧 - Yeah. - You remember Marla.
你好，我们见过面 这是我的小兔子 - Hi, we met. - And this is my little bunny rabbit.
Julia - Julia. - Hey. 嗨
这是Andy. Julia, 你好吗? - This is Andy. - Julia, how you doing?
告诉我 你喜不喜欢魔术? You know what, do you by any chance like magic?
喜欢 我一猜就是 - Yeah. - I thought that you might.
因为进来的时候我注意到... Because I noticed on the way in...
你耳朵后面有闪闪发光的东西 that you had something shiny behind your ear.
Marla, 你看到了吗? 她耳朵后面的东西? Marla, did you see that? Something behind her ear?
看到了吧? 我能看一眼吗? You think you do? Could I check?
我看看你耳朵后面你不介意吧? Do you mind if I check behind your ear?
发财啦! Big money!
太神奇了 哇，神奇吧 - That's amazing. - Wow, it is amazing.
我觉得你耳朵后面还有点儿东西 There's something else, too, behind your ear, I think.
不对，不是你耳朵后面 我想那就是你的耳朵 No, actually it's not behind your ear. I think it is your ear.
我撕! Rip!
是你的耳朵 拿好你的耳朵 It is your ear. There is your ear.
我把它撕下来了 I ripped it off.
上帝啊! 是啊.... - Gross! - Yeah, that's...
好了，等一下 不错，这意味着... All right. Wait. Okay, but that means that you...
你整天在兜里揣着 一个橡皮耳朵到处跑? walk around with a rubber ear in your pocket all day?
嗯，差不多有一半时间是这样 Yeah, like half the time.
如果你愿意 我可以去你们学校... You know, I can come to your high school...
表演给你的朋友们看 and do it for your friends if you want.
我想我该走了. You know what, I should head out.
真的? 是啊 - Really? - Yeah.
还是得我送你回去 I have to give you a ride home.
对，是的 没错 Right. Yes, you do.
是啊, 因为你没有车，对吗? Yeah, 'cause you don't have a car or anything, right?
对，我没有车 Right, I don't have a car.
因为他没有汽车，只会变魔术 'Cause he doesn't have a car, and he does magic.
太好了 Awesome.
讽刺挖苦对我而言我就像第二语言 And sarcasm is like a second language to me.
所以，我完全明白你的意思 So, I'm right there with you.
但是，爸爸... But, Dad...
我不懂得怎样去爱 I don't know how to love.
你从没有... You never...
教过我怎样去.... taught me how...
喂 嗨, Cal. - Hello. - Hey, Cal.
嗨 我刚和人约会回来 - Hey. - I just got back from a date.
你告诉她你是处男了吗? Did you tell her you're a virgin?
没有 我还没来得及说 No. I haven't gotten to that yet.
真的? 你们现在正要上床吗? Really? Are you having sex right now?
没有，她真令人难以置信 No. She was incredible.
她真的太棒了 她没有给我任何压力 She was amazing. She didn't pressure me.
另外，她有三个孩子 And she has three kids.
其中一个已经有了自己的孩子 And one of her kids has a kid.
你没事吧? You all right?
你刚才是不是说 她有三个孩子，其中一个已经有了孩子? Did you just say she has three kids, one of whom has a kid?
对 那么，那就是当祖母了? - Yeah. - So, so, she's a grandma?
不是啦 No.
虽然我不是医生或者是想医生一类的东西... I'm not a doctor or anything like that...
不过她他妈的已经当祖母了 but she's a fucking grandma.
是啊，管他呢，对吧 Yeah, whatever, you know.
她是我见过的最性感的祖母 She's the hottest grandma I ever saw.
没错 她是一个性感的祖母 Yeah, she is. She's a hot grandma.
这位祖母长得挺漂亮 我的祖母长得象Jack Palance. That's a good-looking grandma. My grandma looks like Jack Palance.
她可不是Jack PaIance Well, she's no Jack Palance.
不. 如果Jack Palance长得象她.. No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady...
那我立刻就要和Jack Palance上床 I would want to fuck Jack Palance right now.
是啊，我也是 Yeah, me, too.
她是一个性感的祖母 She's a hot grandma.
靠，一点没错 不 上个老祖母 兄弟 Heck, yeah. No, do a grandma, man.
你应该在她盖着塑料布的沙发上上她 You should fuck her on her plastic-covered couch.
在她看《她书写谋杀》的时候上她 Fuck her while she watches Murder, She Wrote.
她也许会觉得性欲大开 She would probably find that very erotic.
嗯，无所谓啦 Yeah, whatever, you know.
上了她之后让她在你生日的时候 给你寄一张12美元的支票 Fuck her and then have her send you a check for $12 on your birthday.
我就是那个和性感老祖母在一起的家伙 I'm the dude with the hot granny.
你想跟我谈什么? What did you want to talk to me about?
恩, Andy,销售额统计出来了... Well, Andy, the numbers just came in...
到目前为止你是业绩最好的销售人员 and you are by far our best salesman.
所以，我要升你做楼层经理 So, I am promoting you to floor manager.
这是他妈的扯淡中的扯淡! This is the bullshit of all bullshits!
你个混蛋! 马屁精! You scumbag! Ass kisser!
谢谢你，太好了 Thank you. That's great.
我知道你有女朋友了 是啊，我们开始约会了 - I understand you have a girlfriend. - Yeah, kind of seeing somebody.
我很为你高兴 谢谢，她真的非常好 - I'm very happy for you. - Thanks. She's great.
你还是处男吗? Are you still a virgin?
你知道，我并不是很想.. You know, I don't really...
谈我的私生活 你还是个处男 - ...talk about my personal life. - You're a virgin.
对，没错 嗯 - Yes, I am. - Yeah.
我的门永远向你敞开 My door is always open.
所以这么说 很好 - So to speak. - Great.
很好，谢谢你 Great. Thank you.
我是很谨慎的 I'm very discreet.
不过我要在你的梦里缠着你 But I'll haunt your dreams.
好，好 - Okay. - Okay.
哇 Wow.
那么谁来接手我的工作? Cal会接手你的工作 - So who's gonna take my job? - Cal will be taking over your job.
他正在面试别人... And he's interviewing people right now...
来接手他现在的工作 for his old job.
那好，你以前接触过电子产品吗? So, have you ever worked with electronics before?
没有 没有? - No. - No?
不过我家里有电子产品 But I have electronics in my home.
非常好，这份工作就是这个意思 你非常符合要求 Perfect. That's the job pretty much. You're very well-qualified.
比另外那些废物强 More than these other losers.
这个我可以 等等，最后一件事 - I could do that... - Wait, last thing.
我还需要免费延长... I'm also gonna need that extended warranty on it...
这个东西的保修期 for the price of "on the house."
这个我办不到 That I can't do.
嘿，别象个黑鬼似的 咱们做个兄弟嘛，好不好，帮帮忙啦 Hey, don't be a Negro. Be my nigger. All right? Help me out.
等等，我不是什么黑鬼 Hold up. I ain't nobody's nigger.
我的意思是，你戴这样的领带 肯定是黑鬼啦 I mean, you're somebody's nigger wearing this nigger tie.
你现在谦虚了 Now you being condescending.
已经警告过你了，好吗? 你最好友好一点 See, you've been warned, all right? Just move forward amicably.
噢，好吧，那你听着 Okay. Well, check this out.
首先，你对我用了那么多高深的词 First of all, you're throwing too many big words at me.
因为我一个都听不懂.... Okay, now because I don't understand them...
所以我认为那是对我的不尊重 I'm gonna take them as disrespect.
别那么多废话 帮帮忙把生意谈好 Watch your mouth, and help me with the sale.
好，现在你发现自己像个黑鬼了 Okay, see, now you found yourself a nigger.
你不是要找黑鬼吗? 黑鬼来了，看到吗? You were looking for a nigger? Nigger here now. See?
今天的预报:黑暗且多云, 可能爆发大规模战斗 Today's forecast: Dark and cloudy, and chance of drive-by.
你想来吗? 我建议你后退 - You want to go? - I suggest you move back.
来，兄弟，再来呀 Then, nig, fire on.
我们怎么办? What are we gonna do?
你要怎么办,楼层经理先生? What are you gonna do, Mr. Floor Manager?
上，搞定他们，小伙子 Go, get them, tiger.
他妈的你还来劲了 This shit just got rigged.
你想干什么，混蛋? 我告诉你吧 - What are you gonna do, bitch? - I'll tell you what.
你知道Luca Perry 第20号和第25号? You know Luca Perry from 20th and 25th?
你听说过20岁摇滚吗, 黑鬼? You ever heard of, Rolling 20s, nigger?
我16岁, 黑鬼 我说"结冰" Since I was 16, nigger, I'm saying "frosty."
知道我说什么吗, "勺子", 黑鬼 You know what I'm saying, "spoon", nigger.
我们干侏儒的屁眼 We fucked dwarfs in the ass.
黑鬼,这个矮子永远长不高... Nigger, this dwarf here don't got to be tall...
能碰到黑鬼的脸! to pull the trigger off in somebody face!
黑鬼，往后退 怎么回事? 嗨.... - Come on nigger, back up. - What's up? Hey...
欢迎光临本店 Welcome to Smart Tech.
这是你的人? 我能帮什么忙吗? - Is this your boy? - What can I help you with?
是的，黑鬼 我们要一起扁你！! Yeah, nigger, we will both mash you!
需要帮忙吗，先生? 黑鬼，你说什么? - How can we help you, sir? - Nigger, what?
不，他不需要帮忙 已经有人为他服务了 No, he don't need no help. He's already been served.
我已经在招呼他了 他脑子有点慢，不过他已经明白了 I served him. He's taken care of. He's a little slow, but he got it.
看到吗，他以为在这里 一切都能按他的规矩办 See, what he thought was he can come up in here and make the rules.
不过现在他看到了 在这个店里是Jay说了算 But now he see that Jay make the moves at Smart Tech...
这里我说了算，混蛋 现在他马上要滚蛋了 that I run this, bitch and now he bought the bounce.
这是你的人? This your boy?
没错，是我的人 我们代表Smart Tech. Yeah, that's my boy. We represent Smart Tech.
你们都要完蛋了 You just got fucked up with him.
等我回来 有你们两个黑鬼好看 Both y'all niggers going get clapped up when I get back.
你们这两个黑鬼 Both of you all niggers.
我干什么了? 我他妈的不管! - What did I do? - It don't fucking matter!
对，吹吧，性无能 你就吹吧! Yeah, aim high, Willis. Aim high!
拜托不要这么做 Please don't do this.
Jay, 出什么事情了? Jay, what's going on?
Jill和我分手了 Jill broke up with me.
很抱歉 发生什么事情了? I'm so sorry. What happened?
我回家的时候有点醉 I came home a little tipsy.
而且连保险套都忘了摘下来 And I had one of my condoms on still.
第二天早上一起床 我就和她一起去洗澡 Woke up the next morning and jumped in the shower with her.
我真不知道当时在想什么 I don't know what I was thinking.
那你为什么要背叛她? Why did you cheat on her?
因为我没有安全感! 你看不出来吗? Because I'm insecure! You can't tell?
我知道，兄弟 会没事的 I know, man. It's gonna be okay.
我好冷 不会有事的，兄弟 - I'm cold. - It's gonna be all right, man.
说真的，兄弟，我也很难过 Seriously, man, I'm sorry.
我向你道歉，我知道 I apologize to you. I know.
如果你想拥有一段有意义的感情.. If you wanna have a meaningful relationship...
就不能让性搀杂其中，兄弟 你是对的 you've got to leave the sex out of it, man. You're right.
没事了，你不会有事的 It's all right. You're good.
我很难过，过来 我爱你，兄弟 I'm sorry. Come here. I love you, man.
我也爱你，兄弟 Man, I love you, too.
你是一个好人 You're a good guy.
你们知道 我是怎么知道你们是同性恋的吗? Do you know how I know you guys are gay?
你们拥抱彼此的时候是那么轻柔 You're holding each other ever so gently.
混蛋 Cabron.
太棒了 Bravo.
至少他会做饭，妈妈 At least he can cook, Mom.
我爱……蜘蛛人 I love... Spiderman.
慢慢起步，往前直行 Pull out slowly and go straight ahead.
我没事 I'm all right.
这里没有人 Nobody's there.
我想知道你所有的一切 I want to know everything about you.
我也想告诉你 I want to tell you.
真的? 真的 - You do? - Yeah.
那么，你想要做什么? 你的梦想是什么? Like, what do you want to do? What are your dreams?
我不想一直在Smart Tech做 You don't wanna work at Smart Tech for the rest of your life.
我已经在那儿干了很长时间了 I've been working there for a long time.
最近我在想 也许我应该自己开一家店 And I've been thinking lately that maybe I should open my own store.
真的? 是啊 - Really? - Yeah.
什么样的店? 呃，比如音响器材店 - What kind of store? - Well, like a stereo store.
噢，天哪，真是太.... 那你为什么不干呢 Oh, my God, that is... Why don't you do that?
我的钱不够 I don't have enough money to do that.
那些收藏品呢? What about those collectibles?
我打赌你肯定能把它们卖一大笔钱 I bet if you sold those, you could make a lot of money.
我刚替别人卖了一个百战英雄玩偶 卖了1000美元 I just sold a guy's G. I. Joe for $1,000.
真的? 你有没有这样的? - Really? - Do you have any of those?
有 真的? - Yeah. - You do?
我有47个 I have 47 of them.
不会吧，你骗人 No, you don't.
没骗人，都还在原包装的盒子里呢 真的? - Yeah, in their original boxes. - You do?
我可以帮你在eBay上卖了 I could help you sell them on eBay.
向上帝发誓 我一分钱提成也不要 I would not take a commission, I swear to God.
你能做到 完全没问题 You could do it. You could totally pull it off.
好，让我们动手吧 我们动手吧 - Yeah, let's do it. - Let's do it.
海底超人 Aquaman.
放在这里 Here.
衣服穿上 Clothes on.
我会把你送到... I'll send you off to...
一个很大很大的农场去 a farm with lots of land.
这样你和其他的海底超人们... So, you and other Aquamen can run around...
就可以在水世界里奔跑嬉戏了 and play in the Aquafields.
祝你平安 Steve Austin上校 Godspeed, Col. Steve Austin.
你不想走，对吧? 好吧，你可以留下 You don't wanna go, do you? Okay, you can stay.
Steve Austin上校可以留下 Steve Austin can stay.
嗨, Cal. David. Hey, Cal. David.
这台大电视要卖掉啦 Way to sell a big TV.
她喜欢你，哥们儿 She likes you, man.
真是太糟糕了 我已经让我的老二退休了 Too bad I retired my penis.
Mooj,我们试图让排班表公平 不过这很难 Mooj, we try to be fair with the schedule but it's hard.
好，可是为什么每次排班之后 大部分的早班都排给我了? Okay, but why every damn schedule comes up, I get most early shift?
全是扯淡 早上10点钟没人买音响 It's bullshit. Nobody buys stereo at 10:00 in the morning.
不，我明白 No, I understand.
大家都是在6点到8点之间买 People buy stereo between 6:00 and 8:00.
嗯 Mmm-hmm.
有钱人下了班，然后去买音响 Rich men get off work, then buy stereo.
对 不是在他妈的吃完早午饭之后 - Right. - Not after fucking brunch.
好，那我们这么办 Okay. Here's what we're gonna do.
我给你两个Jay的班. I'm going to give you a couple of Jay's shifts.
然后再给你两个我的班... And then I'll give you a couple of mine and that way...
这样我们就扯平了，好吧 谢了, Andy. - ...we'll all be equal, okay. - Thank you, Andy.
不用谢 It's okay.
你是个好人, Andy. You're a good man, Andy.
对了，这是你第几次约会了? By the way, what date are you on, now?
17次左右吧，我想 I think it's around 17.
不过很难定义什么样才叫约会 It's hard to tell what actually constitutes a date, though.
还有三天，也就是说 还有三天你就要破处了 Three to go. So that means you're gonna have sex in three days.
我或许会 让它们之间间隔几天 Maybe, I might try to space them out a little bit.
我会给你的老二祈祷的 好，谢谢 - I'll pray for your cock. - Okay, thanks.
谢谢，谢谢你 祝你的鸡鸡愉快 - Thanks. Thank you. - Have a good cocky.
Trish 的电话 出了点意外 Trish is on the phone. Here is a shock.
你女朋友有麻烦了 你好 - Girlfriend with a problem. - Hello.
我什么都做过了就是没做过爱! I have done everything but sex!
我是个女人，明白吗? 你要面对现实! I'm a woman, okay? Deal with it!
我要重新开始带你去教堂了 I'm gonna start taking you back to church.
我们要开始去教堂了 We are gonna start going to church.
喂? 知道吗? - Hello? - You know what?
你们到底在说什么? What the hell are you talking about?
噢，天哪，真不敢相信. 感谢上帝你来了 Oh, my God, I cannot believe this. Thank God you're here.
上帝啊 Marla把她自己锁在卫生间里了 Jesus Christ. Marla locked herself in the bathroom.
出什么事了? What happened?
她想要去家庭诊所 She wants to go to the family health clinic.
她想要避孕药 可她岁数还太小 She wants birth control. But she's too young.
我想要和我的男朋友有性生活！ 可是我不行，妈妈 I want to have sex with my boyfriend! But I can't, Mom!
那，你是想让我带她去? So, you want me to take her?
不，我不想你那么做 噢，好吧 - No, I don't want you to take her. - Okay, all right.
上大学之前我希望她把裤子看紧了 I want her to keep it in her pants until she gets to college.
喂，喂，喂 Whoa, whoa, whoa!
"把裤子看紧了"? "Keep it in my pants"?
你当年可没看紧，妈妈 Okay, you didn't keep it in your pants, Mom.
我知道，我不想让你犯 跟我一样的错误，Marla. I know. I don't want you to make the same mistakes as me, Marla.
错误? 好，也就是说我是个错误 Mistakes? Okay, so I was a mistake then.
不，你不是个错误 你的姐姐才是错误 No, you're not a mistake. Your sister was the mistake.
噢，我的上帝! Oh, my God!
我是说，她姐姐 她不是计划中的产物，明白我的意思吧? Her older sister, I mean, she wasn't planned, you know what I mean?
因为我当时真的.... 噢，天哪，你想要走，是吗? Because I was such a... Oh, God, you wanna run away, don't you?
不 No.
你和你的男朋友一直都有性关系! You and your boyfriend have sex all the time!
噢，天哪! 你开玩笑吗? Oh, my God! Are you kidding?
我们从没有过性关系 我们有过性关系吗? We never have sex. Do we ever have sex?
不 没有 No, we don't.
什么？骗人，你们有! What? Yes, you do!
你这个骗子! 你为什么要骗我? You're such a liar! Why do you lie to me?
为什么? Why?
~!@#$%^&*()_+|
"骗子"之后的话我一句也没听到 I didn't hear anything after "a liar."
"骗子"之后她又说什么了? 她像个水壶一样乱叫 - What did she say after "a liar"? - She sounds like a tea kettle.
去你妈的! Fuck you!
也许我应该带她去 不，我觉得不行 - Maybe I should take her. - No, I don't think so.
学一点知识不会有什么害处，对吧 You know, a little information never hurt anybody.
酷 Cool.
哇靠! Wow!
鸡鸡放在哪里呢? Where do you put the penis?
噢，妈的 Oh, shit.
这个东西... It is...
不是个魔方 not a Rubik's Cube.
妈的 Shit.
天哪，他们还要让我们等多长时间? God, how much longer are they gonna make us wait?
我不知道，应该马上就到了 I don't know. They should be out in a second.
那么，你们来这里... Now, you're all here...
是因为你们想要避孕药 because you're interested in obtaining birth control.
有问题要问吗? Any questions?
我给你讲个可爱的故事 那天我回到家... Here's a cute story. I came home the other day...
他和他的女朋友 正在我结婚的喜床上... and he is with his girlfriend in my marital bed...
做那件在阿拉巴马州不合法的事情 doing things that are illegal in Alabama.
性行为，大家都知道吧? 我老婆可不会这么干，明白吗? Sex acts, right? Things that my wife won't do, okay?
那你有什么问题呢? 怎么才能让我老婆愿意干呢? - Did you have a question? - How do I get my wife to do that?
其他人有问题吗? Does anybody else have a question?
鉴于没有更好的表达方式... My daughter is, for lack of a better word...
我只能说我女儿有点笨 dumb.
我怎么才能停止她的生理周期? How do I stop her menstrual cycle?
你想让她停经? You want her to stop having a menstrual cycle?
我想让它停下，也许就那么几年 I want to stop it, maybe just for a few years.
嗯，我不认为这是个好主意 Yeah, I don't think that's a good idea.
还有人有问题吗? 我有个问题 - Does anybody else have a question? - I have a question.
我想这里有些人也许 没有什么性方面的经验 I think some of the people here might be sexually inexperienced.
如果不用，功能就会丧失的说法是真的吗? Is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?
这是个严肃的问题? Is that a serious question?
不，不是 好的 - No. It wasn't. - Okay.
好了，有很多你们可以参与的活动... Now, there are a lot of activities that you can engage in...
是不涉及性行为的 它们既有趣又安全 without having sex that are both fun and safe.
什么样的活动? 我想... What sort of activities? I think...
大家都很想知道活动的内容 everybody wants to know about the activities.
这个嘛，你们可以外性交 而不是内性交 Well, instead of having intercourse, you could have outer-course.
外性交? 那是什么东西? Outer-course? What's that?
是啊，那是什么东西? Yeah, what is that?
外性交是除了生殖系统接触之外的任何接触 Outer-course is anything that isn't vaginal intercourse.
我还是更喜欢生殖系统接触 I prefer vaginal intercourse.
这是他的真心话 He really does.
好了，有些方法是不用真正性交 也可以进行性行为的 Now, there are ways of having sex without intercourse.
我们来看看，比如说 身体摩擦啦，或者干蹭啦 Let's see, there are things like body rubbing or dry humping.
你们可以干蹭 You could dry hump.
还有自慰 自慰，自己跟自己玩 - There is masturbation. - Masturbation. Play with yourself.
互相自慰 可以跟朋友玩 - Mutual masturbation. - Play with a friend.
深吻 还有色情按摩 Deep kissing. There is erotic massage.
听起来很不错 That sounds like it would be nice.
口腔性游戏 听起来象我的周五之夜 - Oral sex play. - Sounds like my Friday night.
闭嘴, Seth. 那天晚上我们去了教堂 Shut up, Seth. We went to temple.
好，这里有没有处男或者处女... Okay, are there any virgins here...
想着要体验他们的初夜的? who are thinking about having sex for the first time?
噢 Oh.
等等，这么说你是个处女? Wait. So you're a virgin?
我可以来上一炮 噢，是吗，你可以"来一炮"? - I'd tap that. - Oh, yeah, you'd "tap that"?
Seth, 你是不是觉得 你这个犹太蘑菇头挺酷的? Seth, what, you think you're cool with your little Jew fro?
我们不能说"来一炮" 你究竟在说什么,Seth? We don't say, "tap that." What are you talking about, Seth?
告诉你们吧 我也是个处男 You know what, I'm a virgin, too.
这可.... That's...
我们也是 对 - We're virgins, too. - Yeah.
不，听着 这是个人选择问题... No, you know what, it's a personal choice...
而且我一点也不觉得奇怪 and I don't think it's weird at all.
你知道你的问题是什么吗? You know what your problem is?
你把逼当神一样供着 You're putting the pussy on a pedestal.
这是我第二次听到这个话了 That's the second time I've heard that.
什么叫"把逼当神一样供着"? What is the "pussy on a pedestal" thing?
好了，我再也不想听这些了 让我感到恶心 Okay, I can't listen to anymore of this, 'cause it's making me sick.
再见了 So, bye.
可以在你的网站上找到这些信息，对吗? You can get this information on your website, right?
是的 谢谢 很高兴见到大家 - Yes. - Thanks. Nice meeting everybody.
还有什么问题吗? Any other questions?
你有没有超大号的保险套? Do you have any extra-large condoms?
Seth, 你的小弟弟超级小 Seth, you got a tiny penis.
那些是我编出来给你解围的 So, I made that all up to help you out.
不，你不是编的 No, you didn't.
不过 还是谢谢你那么做 But thank you for doing that.
你怎么看出来的? How can you tell?
这个，我学校里面有 大概400个男生... Well, you know, I go to school with, like, 400 guys...
全都想着要和人上床 who are all trying to have sex.
所以，我能看出来谁已经上过床了 And, yeah, so I can tell who's done it.
当然 Of course.
你真的从来没有? 没有，我真的没有 - And you really haven't? - No, I really haven't.
别告诉你妈妈，好吗? Please don't tell your mom, okay?
嗯，我不会的 谢谢 - Yeah, I won't. - Thanks.
可你要什么时候告诉她? But when are you gonna tell her?
相信我，我正在努力 Believe me, I'm working on it.
我正在努力 I am working on it.
有大麻吗? Do you have any weed?
有 你还真的有 - Yeah. - You do have some.
能不能分一点 还是都有人要了? Can spare any or is it all spoken for?
我是说，我们在说什么? I mean, like what are we talking? Are we...
够我差不多一个星期吸到爽的 Just enough to get me baked for like a week.
那可真够多的 That's a lot of weed.
嗯，我下个星期休假，所以.... Yeah, I am taking vacation next week, so...
你去哪儿? 我哪儿也不去 - Where are you going? - I'm not going anywhere.
我就待在我的公寓里 光吸大麻? - I'll stay in my apartment. - Just getting baked?
我一直都想吸到爽 I want to be baked the whole time.
看电视 我可能要再看一遍甘地传 Watch TV, I'll probably re-watch Gandhi.
看甘地，吸到爽，不错 可不是? - Gandhi baked is good. - Yes, isn't it?
吸爽了以后看那部片子 感觉总是很不好... I always feel bad when I watch it baked...
因为我真的好饿 然后就吃好多... 'cause I get really hungry and I'm eating a lot...
然后可怜的甘地... and poor Gandhi is...
把他妈的的屁股都饿没了 很饿，我知道 - ...fucking starving his ass off. - Starving, I know.
听起来不错 嗯 - Sounds good. - Yeah.
我要把音量开到最大 没问题吧? I'm going to take her to capacity. Are you okay with that?
你尽管试吧 Give it a shot.
我靠！噢，太好了 Freak! Oh, yeah!
MichaeI McDonald, 伙计 我有年头没听过了 Michael McDonald, man, I haven't heard this in years.
是啊，我都有大概48分钟没听过了 Yeah, I haven't heard it in like 48 minutes.
如果我买了这音响 你会送这张DVD吗? If I get the set, will you throw in the DVD?
你不买我也会送你这张DVD You don't get the set. I'll throw in the DVD.
我要了 I'll take it.
真的? 是的 - Really? - Yeah.
你们想看点好东西吗？过来 Y'all want to see something beautiful? Come here.
你们想看这个世界上最美的东西吗? 看看这个 You want to see the most beautiful thing in the world? Check this out.
我的宝宝就在这 我宝宝的小鸡鸡就在这里 This is my baby right here. That's my baby's dick right there.
看起来象个鬼一样 Looks like a poltergeist.
那是他的脚 That is his foot.
看看他的鸡鸡 四个月都不到的孩子啊 Look at his dick. That's not even four months.
推算一下看看 Extrapolate that.
到他30岁的时候会怎么样? By the time he's 30, what's gonna happen?
嘿, Andy! 过来看看这个，伙计 Yo, Andy! Come check this out, dawg.
这是那部关于天才婴儿的电影吗s? Is this the movie about babies that are geniuses?
不是，这是我的宝宝，哥们儿 Jill 怀孕了 No, this is my child, dude. Jill is pregnant.
是你的? 是啊 - That's yours? - Yeah.
这就是她为什么要和我分手... That's why she broke up with me in the first place...
因为鉴于我会一直 在外面拈花惹草这个事实.. 'cause she just thought that I wouldn't be a good father...
她觉得我不会是个好父亲 in light of the fact that I'd be cheating on her all the time.
不过那些过去她已经都忘掉了 现在没事了 But she got over all that. It's cool now.
祝贺你，兄弟 真是太好了 Congratulations, man. That is great.
我们今晚有个聚会, Andy... We having a party tonight, Andy...
我真的很想你去, 伙计 and I really want you to be there, man.
我们要庆祝一下 我真的真的非常想让你去 We celebrating and I really, really want you to be there.
这看起来象个多普勒雷达 It looks like the Doppler radar.
你能相信吗? Can you believe that?
那个孩子还不到4个月大 This child ain't even four months old.
他还不到4个月大 看看他的家伙 He ain't four months old yet. Look at what he's packing.
在60寸电视上看的话 每个人的鸡鸡都会很大的 Everybody dick looks big on 60-inch TV.
我姐姐的鸡鸡在电视上 看起来也很大，知道吗? My sister's dick looks big on TV, okay?
噢，天哪 这个家伙, Eric Gilliland... Oh, my God, this guy, Eric Gilliland...
他一个人就买了15个 真的? - ...he has bought, like, 15 of these. - Really?
没错，我觉得他可能 比你还要喜欢这些玩偶 Yeah, I think he likes action figures even more than you.
不可能 我觉得是 - That is impossible. - I think so.
Andy, 如果这些东西 照这个速度离开你的书架的话... Andy, the way these things are flying off your shelf...
我觉得你也许能挣... you know, I think you could actually make like...
10万美元左右 maybe like $100,000.
真的? 对，你可以开自己的店了 - Really? - Yeah, you could open your store.
哇塞 亲爱的…… - Wow. - Honey...
那是一大笔钱 我知道 - That's a lot of money. - I know.
真难以置信 没有你我肯定不行 That's incredible. I wouldn't have done it without you.
谢谢 Thanks.
这还不是唯一的好消息 什么？ - And that's not the only good news. - What?
你知道今晚是什么日子吗? 今晚有 《幸存者》? - You know what tonight is? - Survivor is on?
不对 我知道 - No. - I know.
是《小飞侠》? Is it The Apprentice?
不对 No.
是什么? What?
我们的第20次约会 It's our 20th date.
哇 没错. - Wow. - Yeah.
真的吗? 恩 - Really? - Uh-huh.
真的假的啊？我以为这是第18次 Seriously? I think we're at 18.
因为有那么两次约会... 'Cause there were a couple of dates there...
并没有算作是约会 对 - ...that don't really count as dates. - No.
那些就算是我免费送你的 I'll give you a free pass on those other ones.
谢谢你 Thank you.
听着 什么? - Listen. - What?
听着 恩 - Listen. - Mmm-hmm.
我真的很喜欢你 I really like you.
我想我是爱上你了 I think I'm falling for you.
我不知道 我觉得发展下去会有结果 I don't know. I kind of see this going somewhere.
我也是 I do, too.
我只是觉得我们应该为彼此而疯狂 I just think we should just go crazy on each other.
好吧 好是吗? - Okay. - Okay?
哦，感谢上帝! Oh, thank God!
哦! Oh!
嗯，我应该.... 我把那些拣起来 Okay, I should... I gotta pick those up.
不要现在拣嘛 Don't pick them up now.
不，我一定要现在拣起来 No, I have to pick those up right now.
等一下啦，等会儿再拣 你看，不行，别 - Wait, we'll get them later. - Listen, no, I can't, no.
这真的很重要 因为... Listen, it's really important because...
一旦这盒子破了.... once the integrity of the box gets compromised...
这是原始的包装 这些东西之所以值钱... This is original packaging and that's why these things...
就是因为这个 所以不能弄坏了 are so valuable. So you don't screw with that.
千万不能弄坏了 好吧 - You really don't screw with that. - All right.
我们可以等下再把它们包起来,对吧 We can wrap them again later, you know.
嗯，我知道 不过你知道吗... Yeah, I know. But you know what...
有一点是非常重要的 我们不能让它贬值... this is very important that we don't lose the value...
不能破坏它的完整性 and compromise the integrity of it.
Andy, 我对你投怀送抱... Andy, I'm throwing myself at you and...
而你满脑子里想的就是他妈一个玩具 all you can think about is a fucking toy.
他们不是他妈的玩具那么简单! 这是个铁金刚，你知道吗? They're not fucking toys! This is Iron Man, okay?
这个是我二年级的时候得到的 I got this when I was in second grade.
你知道要一个孩子 不把它打开是多么不容易吗? Do you know how hard it is for a kid to not open that?
你给我听着 This is important.
这些是我的东西... These are my things...
你想让我把它们卖掉 而我不想卖 and you are trying to make me sell them and I don't want to.
不 你在设计我 - No. - And you're making me.
我没有设计你... 你在怂恿我... - I'm not making... - You are encouraging me...
辞掉我的工作 我没有！我没有要你... - ...to quit my job. - I'm not! I'm not trying to...
你想让我开一家店 你想让我把什么都卖掉 You want me to open a store. You want me to sell everything.
你知道吗 我来告诉你吧 You know what, I'm gonna tell you something.
我不会就这么改变的 我不能为了你而改变 I don't just change like that. I can't just change for you.
我不……我没有想改变你 我喜欢你 I don't... I'm not trying to change you. I like you.
我只是…… 我只想帮你长大, Andy. I'm just... I'm trying to help you grow up, Andy.
这样啊，那真是多谢 Well, thanks a lot.
我是说，上帝啊 你每天骑着自行车去仓库上班 I mean, my God, you ride a bicycle to work in a stockroom.
你知道吗，我不在仓库上班了 You know what, I'm not in the stockroom anymore.
我现在是楼层经理 好吧 - I'm a floor manager. - Okay.
而且我骑车是因为我喜欢 爱因斯坦也骑车 And I ride a bike because I like to. Einstein rode a bike.
可是你别忘了 爱因斯坦还有个和他上床的老婆 He had a wife who he fucked, by the way.
我要怎么做你才会跟我上床呢? What do I have to do for you to have sex with me?
你想让我打扮得象雷神一样吗？ 我可以打扮得象雷神一样 Do you want me to dress up like Thor? I'll dress up like Thor.
我可以打扮得象铁金刚 I'll dress up like Iron Man.
他们做了什么？ 我也可以做同样的事 What do they do? I'll do it.
这是怎么了？ 什么事情都和性有关 What? Everything's always about sex.
你为什么不想和我上床? Why don't you want to have sex with me?
为什么不想呢？告诉我 告诉我实话 Why not? Tell me. You tell me the truth.
是因为我的孩子已经有孩子了吗？ 是这个原因吗? Is it because I have a kid who has a kid? Is that why?
不是，你是个祖母 这一点很酷 No, it's cool that you're a grandmother.
我非常喜欢 你已经是祖母这一点 I love the fact that you're a grandmother.
噢，上帝！ 你是，你是个性感的祖母 - Oh, God! - You are. You're a hot grandma.
噢，上帝啊! Oh, my God!
你真恶毒，给我滚出去! You are so mean! Get out!
好，好吧，好！ 好，好，你走吧 - Okay, fine. Good! - Good, fine. You're gonna go.
弄成这样不是因为我 都是你的原因, Andy. - I didn't ask for any of this. - You asked for all of it, Andy.
好吧，很好 Okay. Great.
好吧 Okay.
你想要这样... That's the way you want it...
兄弟就这样跟你玩 that's the way homie's gonna play it.
嗯，我们摊牌 Yeah. Truth be told.
宝贝，你今天晚上最好好好享受... Baby, you better enjoy yourself tonight...
因为宝宝一出生 在他上大学之前... 'cause once this baby's born, you ain't going out again...
你都不能出去了 till that baby is in college.
我? 对 - Me? - Yeah.
你整天泡在俱乐部里 出去瞎混的那个不是我吧 You the club rat. I'm not the one that be going out.
我才没有整天在俱乐部里 I'm not a club rat.
你站起来 到那边去... You're gonna get up, you march over there...
我要你去和Bernadette搭讪 and I want you to hit on Bernadette now.
伙计，我才不去和Bernadette搭讪呢 Dude, I'm not gonna hit on Bernadette.
你一定要去，兄弟... Yes, you are, man...
首先你的沮丧让我感到无聊... 'cause your depression is boring me for one thing...
另外还让我也有点沮丧.. and it's actually making me a little depressed...
结果是你在影响我的情绪这一点... which is then in turn making me more depressed...
让我感到更沮丧 that you're actually affecting my mood.
听着，我现在没有任何心情 和一个女人说话，好吗 Look, I'm not in any kind of place to talk to a woman, all right?
我只是……我很脆弱 I'm just... I'm fragile.
我是为你才雇了她 I hired her for you.
我雇了一个体重90磅的女孩 到Smart Tech里工作... I hired a 90-pound girl to work in the stockroom at Smart Tech...
是为了你，知道吗? for you, okay?
我应该雇一个体重300磅... I should have hired a 300-pound guy...
能搬起60吋电视的家伙 who could lift a 60-inch flat screen.
可是实际上 我雇了一个连iPod都搬不动的... But instead I hired a hot girl...
性感MM来给你排忧解闷 who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk.
你是为我才雇了她? 对 - You hired her for me? - Yes.
那你会不会去和她讲话? So will you go talk to her?
对，我在等人 Yeah, I'm meeting somebody.
不去 No.
你刚刚是不是弹了一下我的蛋蛋? 没有 - Did you just flick me in the nuts? - No.
我弹了你蛋蛋 原来位置上的那块肉肉 Flicked you in the fleshy patch where your nuts used to be.
兄弟，别弹我的蛋蛋了 Quit flicking my balls, man.
好，我不弹你的蛋蛋了 Okay, I'll stop flicking your balls.
但是我要开始打你的蛋蛋 But I'll start punching your nuts.
噢! Oh!
好的 Okay.
干的好，先生 Well played, sir.
嗯 谢谢你 - Okay. - Thank you.
不用谢，兄弟 上吧 No problem, man. Go get 'em.
Mooj, 你看到过我儿子... Mooj, you done see my son...
你知道他的脚比这个要大 you know his foot gonna be bigger than this.
如果那个孩子长得象巴基斯坦人 别他妈的看我，好吗? If that baby looks Pakistani, don't fucking look at me, okay?
我不介意，你的基因不错 你多大了? 138岁? I wouldn't mind. You got good genes. How old are you? What, 138?
你儿子出生的时候 是不是已经在假释期间了? When your son is born, is he already in parole?
我需要打一炮 I need some poon.
你们真是太对了 从一开始就是对的 You guys were so right, right from the beginning.
我需要生殖器和生殖器的接触 这正是我所需要的全部 I need genital to genital connection and that's all I need.
你看，关于感情的事情就是... You know, the thing about relationships is that they...
一个人说.... make one person go...
!@#$%
然后另一个人说 "你说什么呢?" And the other person go, "What are you talking about?"
然后一个人说.... And then one person goes...
!@#$%
你喝了多少，兄弟? How much have you had to drink, man?
我喝了多少? 你抽了多少大麻? How much have I had to drink? How many pots have you smoken?
你在说什么? What are you talking about?
你这一辈子上过多少次厕所? How many times have you gone to the bathroom in your life?
我问你这个你怎么回答 Let me ask you that.
你不知道这个问题的答案 是吧? You know what, you don't have an answer for that, do you?
我操，兄弟！ 对不起 Fuck you, man! I'm sorry.
不，你真是个好人 我很感谢你 No, you're such a good guy, and I appreciate you.
怎么了，宝贝 我不知道你已经来了 What's up, baby, I didn't know you had came already.
嘿，王八蛋! Hey, motherfucker!
兄弟，你知道吗 今晚真是棒极了 Man, you know what, tonight is the night.
知道吗 你是对的，我完全错了 You know what, you were totally right and I was wrong.
你一直都是对的 没有性生活的话... You were right all along. You cannot have a relationship...
你是没法和别人... with somebody until...
发展出真正的感情的 现实就是.... you have sex and that's the long...
现实就是这样 That's the long and short of it.
所以，谢谢你 这很好 - So, thank you. - That's good.
现在我得去找只鸡 And now I have to go hunt for some hos.
他不会有事吧? 难说，我看悬 - He going to be all right? - No, I don't think he is.
Cal是个好人 是啊，他真是个好人 - Cal's a good guy. - Yeah, he's a great guy.
太好笑了，因为... It's so funny, because, you know...
我第一次见他的时候 我觉得你很可爱... when I first met him and I thought you were cute at the store...
而他告诉我你是同性恋 我不是同性恋 - ...he told me you were gay. - I'm not gay.
Cal说我是同性恋 是因为他自己的性取向... Cal says that I'm gay because he has a real problem...
有些问题 with his own gayness.
不过说真的，我现在要跟你谈谈 But seriously, I'm going to lay it out for you, right now.
我平时沉默寡言 不敢和你搭讪 I was a little reticent to come over and talk to you.
你很漂亮，看上去也是个好女孩 可实际情况是... You're very pretty and you seem very nice. The truth is...
我曾经和某个女人约会 这么说吧，我曾经和某只鸡约会... I dated this woman, let me rephrase that, I dated this whore...
而她粗暴地践踏了我的心 who stomped all over my heart.
而这让我用了好一阵时间才... And it's just taking me a little while to kind of...
回到正常的轨道上来 you know, get back in the game.
噢，天哪，别再说了 Oh, my God. Say no more.
我上一个男朋友Sal也是个混蛋 My last boyfriend Sal junior, is a scum bag.
我非常愿意雇人把他干掉 I would totally pay people to have him killed.
我就是他妈这么恨那个混蛋 That's how much I fucking hate that damn scum bag.
天，你他妈的太酷了 你也是 - God, you're fucking awesome. - You too.
嘿，是你! Hey, you!
嘿 嘿 - Hey. - Hey.
还好吗? How you doing?
和你说话感觉好多了 Much better, now that I'm talking to you.
嘿，看哪 我能看见你的衬衫里面 Hey, lookie, I can see through your shirt.
真漂亮 Nice.
那么，你觉得我们应该.. So, you think we should...
去我的公寓继续这个聚会还是? take this party to my apartment or what?
我的答复是 "好的" I am RSVPing "yes."
希望你的车后箱足够大 因为我要把我的自行车放进去 Hope you have a big trunk because I'm putting my bike in it.
耶，我们走! Yeah, let's go!
妈，我的电话不知道丢在哪儿了.... Mom, I left my phone somewhere and I...
谢谢 Thank you.
怎么了? Andy呢? What's the matter? Where is Andy?
我们大吵了一架.... 噢，妈妈 - We had a big fight, just... - Oh, Mom.
他气冲冲地走了 He just stormed out of here.
出什么事了? What happened?
呃，我只是…… 等等，我以为你讨厌他 Well, I just... Wait a minute, I thought you hated him.
我并不讨厌他 对，他会变魔术，不过... I don't hate him. I mean, he does do magic, but...
他的确傻乎乎的.. you know, he's a big dork...
不过我希望看到你开心 and I like seeing you happy.
真的 I do.
你真好，太好了 妈妈 - That's sweet, that's really sweet. - Mom.
你为什么不直接去和他谈谈呢 把问题解决 Why don't you just go talk to him, work it out.
因为如果你真的看重他的话 不应该就这么放弃 'Cause if the thing is that important, you can't just stop.
我来给你跳舞吧 我很喜欢 Let me dance for you. I would love it.
看看你的内衣，还有胸部，还有全部 真是太棒了 Look at your bra and your breasts and everything. That's so great.
哇塞！你知道吗 你真太辣了，太辣了 Wow! You know what? You're so hot. You're so hot.
我辣得冒烟呢 I'm smoking hot.
告诉你吧 我这就要跟你上床 You know what? I'm just going to have sex with you.
好！我们上床吧 Yes! Let's have sex.
对，就是这样 我们到这里来就是干这个的 - It's going to happen. - That's why we are here.
这样才顺理成章 That's totally what's going to happen.
你可以从.... We could do it in the...
后面来，如果你愿意 Butt, if you want to.
但是，如果我愿意什么? But, if I want to what?
后面 但是什么？什么但是? - Butt. - But what? What?
做啊 做? - Do it. - Do it?
什么? What?
我不知道你在说什么 I don't know what you're talking about.
后面 但是... - Butt. - But...
什么? ...什么? - What? - ...what?
不过，感觉还是那么棒. But, it still feels so right.
耶! Yeah!
耶 很好! 好 是的 Yeah. Right! Okay. Yeah.
那天真是非常有意思 That was a fun day.
你可真古怪 You are so kinky.
是啊，我可真古怪 Yeah, I'm so kinky.
我这么做的原因是 因为我觉得这样会... That's why I did this because I thought it looks...
你喜欢刮毛，对吗? You like to shave, don't you?
我们给彼此刮毛吧 我没看见你有毛啊 - Let's shave each other. - I don't think you have any hair.
你知道该刮我什么地方的 You know where to shave me.
嗯 因为我想要刮你的毛 - Yeah. - Because I want to shave you.
我想要刮你的头 I want to shave your head.
我给你理个寸头 I wanna give you a buzz cut.
我们去洗澡吧 Let's get in the bath.
洗澡? In the bath?
对，我们要下流一点 下流，下流，泡泡浴 Yes. We're gonna get dirty. Dirty, dirty. Sudsy.
我是该变得下流一点了 It's just about time I got really dirty.
是啊 Yeah.
嗨，是我 我正在去你那儿的路上 Hey. Hi, it's me, and I'm on my way to your house.
我尊重你的决定，好吗? I want to do whatever you want to do, okay?
50次，或者100次都行 不过希望不要那么久 Fifty dates. 100. I hope not, but whatever.
待会儿见，好吗? 拜拜 I'm gonna see you soon, okay? Bye.
哇，呃 可真快啊，挺好 Wow. Okay, well, that was fast. Okay.
哇！我靠！ Wow! Holy shit!
喔，要的就是这个 Wow. This is just the right thing to happen.
耶，耶，耶，哇！ 差点弄到我的小鸡鸡了! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Wow! Almost got my penis.
到妈妈这里来 Come to mama.
我今晚好好伺候伺候你 I'm gonna really take care of you tonight.
叫你永远也忘不了我Beth. You're never gonna forget Beth.
我只是想取悦你 I just want to please you.
你喜欢什么样的? What do you like?
我不知道 你喜欢什么样的? I don't know. What do you like?
给你看看我喜欢什么样的好吗? Can I show you what I like?
好啊 Okay.
这里真热啊 It's so hot in here.
我想要介绍你给我的朋友认识 I wanna introduce you to my friend.
你朋友还真是闪闪发光 Your friend is so shiny.
这个家伙知道我喜欢什么 This guy knows exactly what I like.
你的朋友要去哪儿? Where's you friend going?
我先这样为你热热身 This is how I'm gonna warm up for you.
运动之前最好要热身 否则可是会拉伤的 That's always good to warm up. You don't wanna pull something.
喔，真太生动了 Wow, this is graphic.
我做不来 I can't do it.
上帝，你们在这儿干什么? God, what are you doing here?
我们来是因为我们关心你和Trish... We came here because we were concerned about you and Trish...
现在我他妈的一点也不关心了 and now I could not give a fuck.
你是怎么知道她住这儿的? How did you even know where she lives?
大概是八个月前我和她 什么? - I hit it like eight months back. - What?
我没把钥匙还给她 你根本不能想象... Never gave her back the key, man. You have no idea...
接下去会发生什么，知道吗？ 这姑娘是个变态 where this is going, all right? That girl is a freak.
噢，我要去了！ 我要去了! Andy! Oh, it's happening! It's happening! Andy!
你觉得呢? You think?
别扯远了，听着... We've been talking, and look...
如果你爱Trish, 你就不能这么做. if you love Trish, you can't do this.
兄弟们，我都不知道我在干什么了 Look, you guys, I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
我都已经不知道自己是谁了 我知道的只有…….. I don't even know who I am. All I know is...
那个女人吓得我快要拉裤子了.. that woman scares the shit out of me...
现在我只想回家，行吗? and I just wanna go home, okay?
走吧，我们都应该走了 - Let's go. - We should all get out of here.
对，我们都应该走了 - Okay. - We should all go.
那段关系对我来说真是不怎么样 It wasn't that good for me.
我们真的都应该走了 We should totally get out of here.
我们应该赶快跑 We should run away from here.
嘿 Hey.
我是Cal Cal.
绕过去! Go around!
快点，从我身边绕过去! Come on, just go around me!
你们听不到我说话吗? Can't you hear me?
嘿，你好 嗨, Trish. Hey, there. Hi, Trish.
我真的为今晚的事抱歉 Man, I'm really sorry about tonight.
这是什么? What's this?
是David的 Those are David's.
我觉得他有问题 I think he has a problem.
这些是David的? 他迷上这个了 - These are David's? - He's into that.
David的Boner Jams 03 David's Boner Jams '03?
对，真令人难过 Yeah, it's so sad.
我想他是把最好的镜头 都编辑到一起了 He compiled all the best boner scenes, I guess.
你别误会? This isn't what it looks like, okay?
这看起来象什么? 阴道 - What does this look like? - A vagina.
那你用这个阴道来做什么? And what do you do with this vagina?
学习 这是为了医学上的目的. To learn. It's for medicinal purposes.
呃 Ugh.
嘿，我很抱歉 上帝.... 这又是什么? - Hey, I'm sorry. God... - What's this?
这是你的迷魂药? 你的约会强奸药? This your date drug? Your roofie?
是Mentos It's a Mentos.
是清凉糖 They're "The Freshmaker."
对，没错 Yeah, right.
你到底是什么人，性变态? What are you, some kind of sex pervert?
你是不正常还是什么? Are you a deviant or something?
不，我不是性变态 那这些都是什么? - No, I'm not a sexual deviant! - What is all this?
我根本都没有试图和你上床，所以.... I haven't even tried to have sex with you, so...
那你想要做什么? 那你对我那么好想要干什么? What are you trying to do? What are you buttering me up for?
不要这样 Come on.
你不会是想要杀了我吧? You're not gonna try and kill me, are you?
听着, Trish. 你没有买新地毯 - Look, Trish. - You didn't get a new carpet.
我不是想要杀了你 我爱你 I'm not trying to kill you. I love you.
我爱你 噢，上帝 - I love you. - Oh, God!
Trish.
[歌名Heat Of The Moment]
Trish 不! Trish. No!
不 Trish 停下来 No. Trish, stop.
别这样Trish! Come on, Trish!
我需要跟你谈谈! I need to talk to you!
不! No!
该死 Damn it.
噢，天哪! Oh, my God!
Andy!噢，上帝啊! Andy! Oh, my God!
快打电话911 Call 911.
哦, 我的.... Andy. Oh, my... Andy.
噢，上帝啊! Oh, my God!
别动我 我现在非常疼 I'm gonna need a minute. I'm in a lot of pain right now.
噢，天哪 你没事吧? Oh, my God. Are you okay?
还好 Not bad.
那块广告牌有两面 There were two sides to that billboard.
撞倒哪边都一样疼 And they both hurt equally.
Andy.
你没事吧? 我没事 - Are you okay? - I'm okay.
不，我有事 No, I'm not okay.
我是个处男 I'm a virgin.
是个什么? A what?
我是个处男 一直都是 I'm a virgin. I always have been.
Andy, 所有的事情都是因为这个? Andy, is that what all this was about?
对不起 I'm sorry.
就因为你是一个处男，就这个? You're just a virgin, that's all?
对 很好，这是件好事 - Yeah. - That's good. That's a good thing.
我觉得自己好蠢 I feel stupid.
没事了，我还以为你要杀了我. It's okay. I thought you were trying to kill me.
不 No.
哦, 我的天 Oh, my God.
不，我没有要杀你 No, I'm not trying to kill you.
这就是我从不敢和你上床的原因 That's why I never tried to have sex with you.
我很害怕，知道吗? 我.... I was scared, okay? I just...
因为当时我不知道自己在做什么 'Cause I didn't know what I was doing.
我怕可能不会很好 I just didn't think it would be good.
当然会很好 我们彼此相爱 Of course it'll be good. We love each other.
真的? Really?
我爱你 I love you.
对 Yeah.
赶快他妈的把路让开，处男! Get the fuck out of the road, virgin!
闭嘴，你这个变态! Shut up, you fucking jerk!
不，没事 没事，我很抱歉 No, that's okay. That's all right. Sorry.
你知道吗... You know what...
好长一段时间我都觉得自己有问题... for so long I thought that there was something wrong with me...
因为我从来没有做过.... because it had never happened, but...
可我现在知道了 那是因为我在等你 I realize now that it was just because I was waiting for you.
这可真是风光大办哪 他们怎么能掏得起钱? This was some wedding. How could they afford it?
那个家伙把他的玩具都卖了 卖了差不多50万 Dude sells his toys and makes like a half a million dollars.
真是疯了，是吧？ 是他妈的疯了 - It's crazy, right? - That's fucking crazy.
我们也得他妈的去弄点玩具 We're gonna get some fucking toys.
我们都为你们感到幸福 We are all so happy for you.
能说这些话我非常高兴 I am delighted to say these words.
Andy...
你可以吻新娘了 you may kiss the bride.
看在上帝的分上 快结束 And for God's sake, consummate the thing.
不! 停下 我有钥匙 No! Stop it. I have the key.
磨光这块大理石还要... I'm not gonna be done buffing the marble...
至少半个小时 不过... for about a half an hour, but...
如果你们想 可以进来坐着... you can come in and sit down if you want...
或者在大厅里等 我不介意 or wait in the lobby. It's okay.
随你便 It's up to you.
老兄，快他妈给我滚出去 Dude, get the fuck out of here.
准备好了? 是的 - Ready? - Yeah.
好 嗯 - Yes. - Yeah.
哇 Whoa.
正式宣布你已经不是处男的 You're officially not a virgin.
酷 Cool.
哇 Wow.
想再来一次? Wanna do it again?
- 嗯 好，很好 - Yeah. - Good. Okay.
没问题 Sure.
刚才那样很好，还不错 That was good. That was okay.
好 Okay.
准备好了吗? 嗯 - You ready? - Yeah.
准备好了? 嗯，好了 - Are you ready? - Yeah, I'm fine, yeah.
那，刚才那样你觉得如何? So, how was that for you?
当月光 # When the moon #
照到第七个房子 # Is in the Seventh House #
当木星和火星排成行 # And Jupiter aligns with Mars #
和平会引领这个星球 # Then peace will guide the planets #
爱会引领星星 # And love will steer the stars #
这是水平座时代的黎明 # This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius #
水平座的时代 # Age of Aquarius #
水平座 # Aquarius #
通融和理解 # Harmony and understanding #
同情和信任 # Sympathy and trust abounding #
不再有虚假和嘲笑 # No more falsehoods or derisions #
美梦成真 # Golden living dreams of visions #
水晶般神秘的关系 # Mystic crystal revelations #
思想完全解放 # And the mind's true liberation #
水平座 # Aquarius #
当月光照到第七个房子 # When the moon is in the Seventh House #
当木星和火星排成行 # And Jupiter aligns with Mars #
和平会引领这个星球 ? # Then peace will guide the planets #
爱会引领星星 # And love will steer the star #
这是水平座时代的黎明 # This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius #
水平座时代 # The age of Aquarius #
水平座 # Aquarius #
是水平座, 宝贝 # It's Aquarius, baby #
我们为什么不说天蝎座 # We ain't talking about no Scorpio #
# We ain't talking about no #
不 我们不说天蝎座 # No, we ain't talking about no Scorpio #
水平座 # Aquarius #
水平座 # Aquarius ##
让阳光 # Let the sunshine #
让阳光照进来 # Let the sunshine in #
让阳光 # The sunshine in #
让阳光 # Let the sunshine #
让阳光照进来 # Let the sunshine in #
让阳光照进来 # The sunshine in #
让阳光照进来 # Let the sunshine #
让阳光照进来 # Let the sunshine in #
让阳光照进来 让阳光照进来 让阳光照进来 # The sunshine in # # Let it shine, let it shine #
让阳光 # Let the sunshine #
让阳光 # Let it shine #
让阳光 # Let it shine, yeah #
让阳光照进来 # The sunshine in #
让阳光照进来 # Let the sunshine #
让阳光照进来 # Let the sunshine in #
让阳光照进来 # The sunshine in ##
[歌名Just> Got Lucky]
“40岁老处男” -=结束=-