-=subtitle by:lovelyr=-
but home to Avenue Q!
You live on Avenue Q!
Your friends do too.
You are twenty-two
and you live on Avenue Q!
You live on Avenue Q
You live on Avenue Q!
2. What Do You Do With a B.A. in English? / It Sucks to Be Me
What do you do with a B.A. in English?
What is my life going to be?
Four years of college
and plenty of knowledge
have earned me
this useless degree.
I can't pay the bills yet,
'cause I have no skills yet.
The world is a big
scary place...
But somehow I can't shake
the feeling I might make
a difference
to the human race!
KATE MONSTER:Morning, Brian!
BRIAN:Hi, Kate Monster.
KATE MONSTER:How's life?
BRIAN:Disappointing!
KATE MONSTER:What's the matter?
BRIAN:The catering company laid me off.
KATE MONSTER:Oh, I'm sorry!
BRIAN:Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm ten years out of college, and I
always thought --
KATE MONSTER:What?
BRIAN:No, it sounds stupid.
KATE MONSTER:Aww, come on!
(sung)
BRIAN:When I was little I thought I would be...
KATE MONSTER:What?
BRIAN:A big comedian on late night t.v.
But now I'm thirty-two and as you can see
I'm not.
KATE MONSTER:Nope!
BRIAN:Oh well,
it sucks to be me.
KATE MONSTER:Nooooo.
BRIAN:It sucks to be me.
KATE MONSTER:No!
BRIAN:It sucks to be broke and unemployed
and turning thirty-three.
It sucks to be me.
KATE MONSTER:Oh, you think your life sucks?
BRIAN:I think so.
KATE MONSTER:Your problems aren't so bad!
I'm kinda pretty, and pretty damn smart.
BRIAN:You are.
KATE MONSTER:Thanks!
I like romantic things like music and art.
And as you know I have a gigantic heart.
So why, don't I have a boyfriend?
Fuck! It sucks to be me!
BRIAN:Me too.
KATE MONSTER:It sucks to be me.
BRIAN:It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be Brian...
KATE MONSTER:And Kate...
BRIAN:To not have a job!
KATE MONSTER:To not have a date!
BOTH:It sucks to be me.
(spoken)
BRIAN:Hey, Rod, Nicky, can you settle something for us?
Do you have a second?
ROD:Ah, certainly.
KATE MONSTER:Whose life sucks more? Brian's or mine?
(sung)
NICKY AND ROD:Ours!
ROD:We live together.
NICKY:We're as close as people can get.
ROD:We've been the best of buddies...
NICKY:Ever since the day we met.
ROD:So he knows lots of ways to make me really upset.
Oh, every day is an aggravation.
NICKY:Come on, that's an exaggeration!
ROD:You leave your clothes out.
You put your feet on my chair.
NICKY:Oh yeah? You do such anal things
like ironing your underwear.
ROD:You make that very small apartment we share
a hell.
NICKY:So do you.
That's why I'm in hell too!
ROD:It sucks to be me!
NICKY:No, it sucks to be me!
KATE MONSTER:It sucks to be me!
BRIAN:It sucks to be me!
ALL:Is there anybody here it doesn't suck to be?
It sucks to be me!
CHRISTMAS EVE:Why you all so happy?
NICKY:Because our lives suck!
CHRISTMAS EVE:Your lives suck?
I hearing you correctly? Ha!
I coming to this country for opportunities.
Tried to work in Korean deli,
but I am Japanese.
But with hard work I earn two Master's Degrees
in social work!
And now I a therapist!
But I have no clients!
(smacking Brian)
And I have an
unemployed fiance!
And we have lots
of bills to pay!
It suck to be me!
I say it
Sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
sucka-sucka-sucka-sucka-
suck!
It suck to be me.
(spoken)
PRINCETON:Excuse me?
BRIAN:Hey there.
PRINCETON:Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for a place to live.
CHRISTMAS EVE:Why you looking all the way out here?
PRINCETON:Well, I started at Avenue A, but so far everything is out
of my price range. But this neighborhood looks a lot cheaper!
Oh, and look -- a "For Rent" sign!
BRIAN:You need to talk to the superintendent. Let me get him.
PRINCETON:Great, thanks!
BRIAN:Yo, GARY!
GARY COLEMAN:I'm comin'! I'm comin'!
PRINCETON:Oh my God! It's Gary Coleman!
GARY COLEMAN:Yes I am!
(sung)
I'm Gary Coleman
from TV's Diff'rent Strokes
I made a lotta money
that got stolen by my folks!
Now I'm broke and
I'm the butt of everyone's jokes,
but I'm here --
the superintendent!
On Avenue Q --
ALL:It sucks to be you.
KATE MONSTER:You win!
ALL:It sucks to be you.
BRIAN:I feel better now!
GARY COLEMAN:Try having people stopping you to ask you
"What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
It gets old.
ALL:It sucks to be you.
On Avenue Q.
(sucks to be me)
On Avenue Q.
(sucks to be you)
On Avenue Q.
(sucks to be us)
But not when
we're together.
We're together
here on Avenue Q!
We live on Avenue Q!
Our friends do too!
'Til our dreams come true,
we live on Avenue Q!
PRINCETON:This is real life!
ALL:We live on Avenue Q!
NICKY:You're gonna love it.
ALL:We live on Avenue Q!
GARY COLEMAN:Here's your keys!
ALL:Welcome to Avenue Q!
3. If You Were Gay
(spoken)
ROD:Aah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, "Broadway
Musicals of the 1940s." No roommate to bother me.
How could it get any better than this?
NICKY:Oh, hi Rod!
ROD:Hi Nicky.
Hey Rod, you'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning.
This guy was smiling at me and talking to me --
That's very interesting.
He was being real friendly, and I think he was coming on to me.
I think he might've thought I was gay!
Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care?
I don't care. What did you have for lunch today?
Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about it, Rod...
I'm NOT getting defensive! What do I care about some
gay guy you met, okay? I'm trying to read.
Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Rod. I just think it's
something we should be able to talk about.
I don't want to talk about it, Nicky! This conversation is over!!!
Yeah, but...
Over!!!
Well, okay, but just so you know --
(sung)
If you were gay
that'd be okay.
I mean 'cause, hey,
I'd like you anyway.
Because you see,
if it were me,
I would feel free
to say that I was gay
(but I'm not gay).
Nicky, please! I am trying to read...
What?!
If you were queer
I'd still be here,
year after year
because you're dear
to me.
And I know that you
would accept me too,
if I told you today
"Hey! Guess what,
I'm gay!"
(But I'm not gay)
I'm happy
just being with you.
So what should it
matter to me
what you do in bed
with guys?
Nicky, that's GROSS!
No, it's not!
If you were gay
I'd shout hooray!
And here I'd stay,
But I wouldn't get
in your way.
You can count on me
to always be
beside you every day,
to tell you it's okay,
you were just born
that way,
and, as they say,
it's in your DNA,
you're gay!
But I'm not gay!
If you WERE gay.
Argh!
4. Purpose
PRINCETON:Purpose,
it's that little flame
that lights a fire
under your ass.
Purpose,
it keeps you going strong
like a car with a full
tank of gas.
Everyone else has
a purpose
so what's mine?
Oh look! Here's a penny!
It's from the year I was born!
It's a sign!
Ba-ba-ba-ba
Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
I don't know how I know,
but I'm gonna find
my purpose.
Gotta find out,
don't wanna wait!
Got to make sure that my
life will be great!
Gotta find my purpose
before it's too late.
I'm gonna find my purpose
could be far, could be near
could take a week,
a month, a year
At a job, or smoking grass
maybe at a pottery class!
Could it be?
Yes it could!
Something's coming,
something good!
I'm gonna find my purpose
I'm gonna find it!
What will it be? Where will it be?
My purpose in life is a mystery
Gotta find my purpose
Gotta find me.
5. Everyone's a Little Bit Rascist
PRINCETON:Say, Kate, can I ask you a question?
KATE MONSTER:Sure!
Well, you know Trekkie Monster upstairs?
Uh huh!
Well, he's Trekkie Monster, and you're Kate Monster.
Right.
You're both Monsters.
Yeah.
Are you two related?
What! Princeton I'm surprised at you! I find that racist!
Oh, well, I'm sorry! I was just asking.
Well, it's a touchy subject. Now, now all Monsters are related.
What are you trying to say, huh? --
That we all look the same to you? Huh, huh, huh?
No, no, no, not at all. I'm sorry, I guess that was a little racist.
I should say so. You should be much more careful when you're
talking about the sensitive subject of race.
Well, look who's talking!
What do you mean?
What about that special Monster School you told me about?
What about it?
Could someone like me go there?
No, we don't want people like you --
You see?!
(sung)
You're a little bit racist.
Well, you're a little bit, too.
I guess we're both a little bit racist.
Admitting it is not an easy thing to do...
But I guess it's true
Between me and you, I think
Everyone's a little bit
racist, sometimes.
Doesn't mean we go around committing
hate crimes.
Look around and
you will find,
no one's really
color-blind.
Maybe it's a fact
we all should face.
Everyone makes
judgments...
based on race.
(spoken)
Not big judgments, like who to hire or who to buy a newspaper from --
No!
No, just little judgments like thinking that Mexican busboys
should learn to speak goddamn English!
Right!
(sung)
Everyone's a little
bit racist -- today,
so, everyone's a little
big racist -- okay!
Ethnic jokes might
be uncouth,
but you laugh because
they're based on truth.
Don't take them as
personal attacks.
Everyone enjoys them --
so relax!
(spoken)
All right, stop me if you've heard this one.
There's a plane going down and there's only one parachute.
And there's a rabbi, a priest...
... and a BLACK guy!
GARY COLEMAN:Whatchoo talkin' about Kate?
Uh --
You were telling a BLACK joke!
Well, sure, Gary, but lost of people tell black jokes...
I don't.
Well, of course you don't -- you're black!
But I bet you tell Polack jokes, right?
Well, sure I do. Those stupid Polacks!
Don't you think that's a little racist?
Well, damn, I guess you're right.
(sung)
You're a little bit racist.
Well, you're a little bit, too.
We're all a little bit racist.
I think that I would have to agree with you.
We're glad you do.
It's sad, but true!
Everyone's a little bit racist -- all right!
Bigotry has never been exclusively white --
If we all could
just admit
that we are racist
a little bit,
even though we all
know that it's wrong,
maybe it would help
us get along!
(spoken)
Christ, do I feel good!
Now there was a fine upstanding black man!
Who?
Jesus Christ!
But Gary, Jesus was white!
No, Jesus was black.
No, Jesus was white!
No, I'm pretty sure Jesus was black!
Guys -- Jesus was Jewish!
Hey guys, what are you laughing about?
Racism!
Cool.
Brian! You come back here! You take out lecycuraburs!
What's that mean?
Um. Recyclables.
(Everyone laughs)
Hey, don't laugh at her! How many languages do you speak?
Oh, come off it, Brian!
(sung)
Everyone's a little bit racist.
I'm not!
Oh, no?
Nope! How many oriental wives have you got?
What? Brian!
Brian, buddy,
where you been?
The term is Asian-American!
I know you are
no intending to be,
but calling me
oriental -- offensive to me!
(spoken)
I'm sorry honey, I love you.
And I love you.
But you're racist, too.
Yes, I know.
(sung)
The Jews have all
the money
and the whites have
all the power
and I'm always in
taxi-cab with driver
who no shower!
Me too!
I can't even get a taxi!
Everyone's a little bit
racist, it's true.
But everyone is just about
as racist as you!
If we all could just admit
that we are racist a little bit,
and everyone
stopped being so P.C.,
maybe we could
live in -- harmony!
Ev'lyone's a ritter bit lacist!
6. The Internet is For Porn
KATE MONSTER:Finally! I get to teach a whole lesson all by myself!
And I'm gonna teach something relevant, something
modern -- the internet!
The internet is really really great.
TREKKIE MONSTER:For porn!
I got a fast connection so I didn't have to wait.
For porn!
There's always some new site.
For porn!
I browse all day and night.
For porn!
It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light.
For porn!
Trekkie!
The internet is for porn! The internet is for porn!
Why do you think the net was born?
Porn! Porn! Porn!
Trekkie! What are you doing?
Hello, Kate Monster.
You are ruining my song.
Oh, me sorry. Me no mean to.
Well, if you wouldn't mind, please, being
quiet for a minute so I can finish?
Okey-dokey.
Good.
I'm glad we have this new technology.
For porn. (oop!)
Which gives us untold opportunity.
For porn. (ooops, sorry!)
Right from your own desktop...
For p----.
You can research, browse and shop...
Until you've had enough and you're ready to stop!
For porn!
Trekkie!
The internet is for porn!
Me up all night honking me
horn to porn, porn, porn!
That's gross! You're a pervert!
Ahh, sticks and stones, Kate Monster.
No, really, you're a pervert! Normal people
don't sit at home and look at porn on the internet!
Ohhhhh?
What?
You have no idea. Ready, normal people?
Ready!
Lemme hear it!
The internet is for porn.
Sorry, Kate!
The internet is for porn.
I masturbate!
All these guys unzip their flies for...
Porn! Porn! Porn!
The internet is not for porn!
Hold on a second!
Wha?
Now, I happen to know for a fact that you, Rod,
check your portfolio and trade stocks online.
That's correct.
And Brian, you buy things on Amazon.com!
Sure.
And Gary, you keep selling your possessions on eBay!
Yes, I do!
And Princeton, you sent me that sweet online birthday card.
True.
But Kate... what you think he do after, hmmm?
Yeah.
Ewww!
The internet is for porn.
Grab your dick and double click
for porn! Porn! Porn!
Poooorn!
The internet is for,
internet is for,
internet is for porn!
7. Mix Tape
KATE MONSTER:Princeton...
He likes me.
I think he likes me
But does he "like me"
like me
like I like him?
Will we be friends,
or something more?
I think he's interested,
but I'm not sure.
Come in!
Hiya Kate!
Princeton! Hi!
Hi! Listen, I was going through my CDs yesterday,
and I kept coming across songs I thought you'd like
so I made you this tape.
Oh, that's so sweet! Can I get you a drink? Or a snack?
Actually, do you mind if I use your bathroom?
Go right ahead.
Thank you!
A mix tape.
He made me a mix tape.
He was thinking of me,
which shows he cares!
Sometimes when someone
has a crush on you
they'll make you a mix tape
to give you a clue.
Let's see...
"You've Got a Friend"
"The Theme from 'Friends'"
"That's What Friends Are For"
Shit.
Oh, but look!
"A Whole New World"
"Kiss the Girl"
"My Cherie Amour"
Oh, Princeton! He does like me!
"I Am the Walrus"
"Fat-Bottomed Girls"
"Yellow Submarine"
What does this mean?!
Hey Kate, you might wanna not go in there for awhile.
Princeton, thank you for this tape, I was just looking
at side A. Great songs!
Oh, well, did you get to side B yet?
Not yet.
Oh, it's great. Check it out. Right here...
"Stuck on You"
"Love Me Do"
"My Heart Will Go On"
I loved Titanic!
Uhh, it was all right.
"She's Got a Way"
"Yesterday"
"Goodnight Saigon"
From the Russia concert!
Great.
"Through the Years"
"The Theme from 'Cheers'"
"Moving Right Along"
Nice tape.
There's one more...
"I Have to Say I Love You in a Song"
Princeton, that's so sweet! I've never gotten
such a nice present from a guy.
Awww. Well, I'm glad you like it. But I have to go now.
I'm gonna make one for Brian and Christmas Eve, and Gary
and Nicky and Rod, and Trekkie Monster, and everyone!
Oh.
Oh, and uh --
Yes?
What are you doing tonight?
Grading term papers. But it's kindergarten so they're very short. Why?
Everyone's going to hear this singer at the Around the Clock Cafe.
Do you want to go with me?
Like, a date?
Sure! A date. It'll be a blast.
I'd love to come!
Okay! Well, I'll see you then.
Okay!
Okay, bye.
Bye!
He likes me!
8. I'm Not Wearing Underwear Today
BRIAN:I'm not wearing underwear today.
No, I'm not wearing underwear today.
Not that you prob'ly care
much about my underwear,
still, nonetheless, I gotta say --
that I'm not wearing underwear to-daaaay!
Get a job!
Thank you -- honey. So -- here's the woman you all came to see --
9. Special
LUCY:I can make you feel
special.
When it sucks to be you.
Let me make you feel
special.
For an hour or two.
Your life's a routine
that repeats each day.
No one cares who you are
or what you say.
And sometimes you feel
like you're nobody,
but you can feel like
somebody with me.
Wow!
Yeah, they're real.
When we're together
the earth will shake
and the stars will fall
into the sea.
So come on, baby,
let down your guard.
When your date's in
the bathroom,
I'll slip you my card.
I can tell just by looking
that you've got it hard
For me! For me!
I can tell just by looking
that you are especially
hard for me!
BAD IDEA BEAR #1:Take her home!
BAD IDEA BEAR #2:She's wasted!
Yaaaayyy!
10. You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want (When You're Making Love)
My God, Princeton! Right there! Right there!
That's the spot -- that's the spot! -- okay,
a little lower -- okay, now to the left --
no, my left -- ohhhhhhhh!
Oh, my God, Kate, no one's ever touched me
like this before -- you can't put your finger there --
Ooh, put your finger there!
Oh yeah!
You can be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love.
You can be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love.
You can be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love.
You can be as loud as
the hell you want...
Aaaaaahhh!
Yaaaaaaahhh!
You hear what? -- Hell no, I won't tell them to quiet down!
Are we being too loud?
Yeah, are we bothering someone?
Yeah, no, not at all, kids.
You keep doing what you're doing.
Yeah! Louder!
You're not allowed to
be loud at the library,
at the art museum or
at a play
But when you and
your partner are doin' the nasty
don't behave like you're
at the ballet!
'Cause you can be as loud
as the hell you want
when you're making love.
You can be as loud
as the hell you want
when you're making love.
Don't let the neighbors
stop you from havin' fun,
they'll have peace and
quiet when you're
good and done.
Be as loud as
the hell you want
when you're making love!
Loud as the hell you want...
Faster, Princeton!
Brian, slow down! This not a race!
Loud as the hell you want...
Oh, YEAH!
Who's your daddy?
What?? Brian!!
Loud as the hell you want...
Smack it and lick it and rub
it and suck it!
Loud as the hell you want...
Yes! Work your mama!
Loud as the hell you --
Oh yeah, that's it!
Ooh, babe!
Loud as the hell you... (x7)
want!
11. FANTASIES COME TRUE
ROD:It sure can get lonely at night. Nicky, you awake?
NICKY (asleep):Is that a unicorn?
Oh, he's talking in his sleep again.
No, I'll wear the purple shoes. Who painted the kitten?
Maybe I should just shake him.
I love you, Rod.
What did you say?
I love your little laugh.
Nicky, are you awake?
Take off your shirt.
Oh Nicholas -- have you been shy all this time?
Have we been hiding from each other? I wonder --
All those night I lay in bed,
thoughts of you
running through my head...
I know -- put my earmuffs on the cookie...
But I never thought the things in my head
could really happen in my bed.
You look like David Hasselhoff...
All those years
I missed the signs,
couldn't read
between the lines.
Who'd have thought
I would see the day
where I'd hear you say
what I heard you say?
And now I find
what was always in my mind
was in your mind, too.
Fantasies come true!
And now I see that what I've always
dreamed of was meant to be...
you and me, me and you!
Fantasies come true!
You and me lived in fantasy,
but soon we'll be a reality.
Kate, that was amazing.
You're amazing.
I want you to have this. It's a penny I carry around with me for good luck.
It's from the year I was born -- see? Who knows, maybe it'll bring
you good luck. It did for me! -- I found you.
I want you to know
the time that we've spent,
how great it's been,
how much it's meant.
Gosh, I don't know
what to say.
I'm really glad you feel
that way.
'Cause I'm afraid that
I like you more than I ever
liked any guy before.
'Cause now, my love,
I'm getting what I've
always been dreaming of!
So are you!
OH, baby!
Fantasies come true!
And now I swear that
when you want me,
I'm gonna be right there
to care for you...
That's what I'm gonna do...
And make your fantasies
come true...
Fantasies come true.
Hey, Rod buddy! You were talking in your sleep.
I thought you were talking in YOUR sleep!
No, I just came to bed. You were dreaming, is all.
Oh.
It sounded like a nice dream, though.
Yes. It was a nice dream.
Good night.
Good night, Nicky.
12. My Girlfriend, Who Lives In Canada
Ohhhhh.....
I wish you could meet my
girlfriend, my girlfriend
who lives in Canada.
She couldn't be sweeter,
I wish you could meet her,
my girlfriend who lives
in Canada!
Her name is Alberta,
she lives in Vancouver.
She cooks like my mother
and sucks like a hoover.
I e-mail her every single
day, just to make sure
that everything's okay.
It's a pity she lives so
far away, in Canada!
Laaaaaast week she was
here, but she had the flu.
Too baaaaaad
'cause I wanted to introduce her to you.
It's so saaaaaaaaad --
There wasn't a thing that she could do
but stay in bed,
with her legs up over her head!
Oh!
I wish you could meet
my girlfriend,
but you can't,
because she is in Canada.
I love her, I miss her,
I can't wait to kiss her,
so soon I'll be off to Alberta!
I mean Vancouver!
Shit! Her name is Alberta,
she lives in Vancou--
She's my girlfriend!
My wonderful girlfriend!
Yes, I have a girlfriend,
who lives in Canada!!
And I can't wait to eat her pussy again!
13. There's a Fine, Fine Line
There's a fine, fine line
between a lover, and a friend.
There's a fine, fine line
between reality, and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top
if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time
There's a fine, fine line
between a fairy tale, and a lie.
And there's a fine, fine line
between "you're wonderful" and "goodbye".
I guess if someone doesn't love you back
it isn't such a crime
But there's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of your time
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...
There's a fine, fine line
between together,
and not.
And there's a fine, fine line
between what you wanted,
and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want
while you're still in your prime.
There's a fine, fine line
between love,
and a waste of time.
ACT TWO
14. There is Life Outside Your Apartment
Princeton!
Yeah.
Listen, buddy, nobody's seen ya for two weeks. What's up with that?
I went to work for a temp agency, and they fired me for being too
depressing on teh phone. I maxed out my cards. I'm two months
behind in rent. I totally messed up my personal life. Oh, and Brian --
I still haven't found my purpose!
All right. Get off your ass and stop worrying! Everyone's getting
together to mess around the city today.
Have fun.
When I say "everyone", that includes you!
There is life outside your apartment
I know it's hard to conceive,
but there's life outside your apartment,
and you're only gonna see it if you leave.
There is cool shit to do,
but it can't come to you.
And who knows, dude,
you might even score!
There is life outside your apartment,
but you've got to open the door!
No, thanks, I'm staying in.
Don't tell me I gotta force you.
Sorry!
All right everyone! He's resisting!
(Christmas Eve, Trekkie Monster, Gary and Nicky pick Princeton
up and drag him outside)
There is life outside...
there is life outside...
your apartment!
There's a pigeon squashed on the street.
Eww.
There's a girl passing by
No, I think it's a guy
And a homeless man who only wants
to buy something to eat!
Sorry! Can't help you!
(they enter the subway)
We could go to the zoo!
Pick up girls at NYU!
We could sit in the park smoking pot!
Or not!
There is life outside your apartment
Well, I guess I'll give it a shot!
There is life outside your apartment
I know --
There is life outside your apartment
I'm gonna jump!
Don't do it!
Okay!
There is cool shit to do
but it can't come to you
So come on --
Get out of the way asshole!
Fuck you!
There is life outside your apartment!
Oh, you never know what's around the bend.
You could win the lotto or make a friend...
Take her home to see your apartment...
Do you wanna feel special?
Special!
I can see that you do.
Ooooh-wah!
Well, I can make you feel... special
if you let me feel you.
She'll feel you!
Where's your pad?
Not too far!
We could call you a car!
We'll be fine, thank you! See ya!
Hope you don't get gonorrhea!
There's life outside your apartment...
But now it's time to go home!
There is life outside your apartment...
It's time to go home!
There is life outside your apartment...
But now it's time to go home
For porn!
15. The More You Ruv Someone
Why can't people get along and love each other, Christmas Eve?
You think getting along same as loving? Sometimes love
right where you hating most, Kate Monster.
Huh?
The more you love someone,
the more you want to kill 'em.
The more you love someone
the more he make you cry.
Though you are try
for making peace
with them and loving,
that's why you love
so strong you like to
make him die!
The more you love someone
the more he make you crazy.
The more you love someone
the more you wishing him dead!
Sometime you look at
him and only see fat and lazy.
And wanting baseball bat
for hitting him on his head!
Love...
And hate...
They like two brothers...
Brothers...
Who go on a date.
Who... what?
Where one of them goes,
other one follows.
You inviting love
he also bringing sorrows.
Ah, yes.
The more you love someone,
the more you want to kill 'em.
Loving and killing
fit like hand in glove!
So if there someone
you are wanting
so to kill 'em,
you go and find him,
and you get him,
and you no kill him,
cause chances good...
He is your love.
6. Schadenfreude
Right now you are
down and out and
feeling really crappy
I'll say.
And when I see how
sad you are
it sort of makes me...
happy!
Happy?!
Sorry, Nicky, human nature --
nothing I can do!
It's...
schadenfreude!
Making me feel glad
that I'm not you!
Well that's not very nice, Gary!
I didn't say it was nice! But everybody does it!
D'ja ever clap when a
waitress falls and drops
a tray of glasses?
Yeah...
And it ain't it fun to
watch figure skaters
falling down on their asses?
Sure!
And don'tcha feel all
warm and cozy,
watching people
out in the rain!
You bet!
That's...
Schadenfreude!
People taking pleasure in your pain!
Oh, schadenfreude, huh? What's that, some kinda Nazi word?
Yup! It's German for "happiness at the misfortune of others!"
"Happiness at the misfortune of others." That IS German!
Watching a vegetarian
being told she just
ate chicken
Or watching a
frat boy realize
just what he put his dick in!
Being on an elevator
when somebody shouts
"Hold the door!"
"NO!"
Schadenfreude!
"Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"
Oooh, how about...
Straight-A students getting Bs?
Exes getting STDs!
Waking doormen from their naps!
Watching tourists reading maps!
Football players getting tackled!
CEOs getting shackled!
Watching actors never reach
The ending of their Oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!
The world needs people like you and me
who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us,
they don't want to be us,
and that makes them feel great.
Sure! We provide a vital service to society!
You and me! Schadenfreude!
Making the world a better place...
to be!
S-C-H-A-D-E-N-F-R-E-U-D-E!
17. I Wish I Could Go Back to College
I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then.
What would I give to go back and live
in a dorm with a meal plan again!
I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad
and think, "Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!"
How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!
I wanna go back to my room and find
a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...
I wish I could just drop a class...
Or get into a play...
Or change my major...
Or fuck my T.A.
I need an academic advisor to point the way!
We could be...
Sitting in the computer lab,
4 a.m. before the final paper is due,
cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
and seeing the rest of the class there, too!
I wish I could go back to college!
How do I go back to college?!
Ahhhhhhh....
I wish I had taken more pictures.
But if I were to go back to college,
think what a loser I'd be --
I'd walk through the quad, and think
"Oh my God..."
"These kids are so much younger than me."
18. The Money Song
Help the homeless!
Help the homeless!--
Oooh! Hey Princeton!
Give me a quarter!
Here in my hat!
Come on, Princeton,
it's as easy as that!
Helping others brings
you closer to God,
so give me a quarter...
I don't have any change.
Hmmm.
Okay, give me a dollar.
That's not what I meant.
Give me a five!
Are you kidding?
The more you give
the more you get.
That's being alive!
All I'm asking you
is to do what Jesus Christ
would do:
He'd give me a quarter --
why don't you?
All right, all right, here you go.
Ahh, thanks!
Take care. Whoa!
What's the matter?
I feel -- generous!
I feel -- compassionate!
You do?
Yeah! I feel like a new person -- a good person!
Helping other people out makes you feel fantastic!
That's what I've been trying to tell you --
All this time I've been running around thinking about
me, me, me -- and where has it gotten me!
I'm gonna do something for someone else!
Me?
No -- Kate! I'm going to raise the money to build that stupid
Monster School she's always talking about!
Give me your money!
What?!
I need it for Kate!
I need it to eat!
Come on, Nicky!
Aww, get lost!
It'll make you feel great!
So would a burger!
When her dream comes true,
it'll all be partly
thanks to you, so
give me your money!
I'd like to, but I can't!
Give me your money!
I'd like to, but I need it!
Give me your money!
I'd like to, but I'm homeless!
I can't! I need it! I'm homeless!
Okay, here ya go.
Thank you!
Suddenly, I am feeling
closer to God.
It's time to stop begging!
It's time to start giving!
What can I give to Rod?
Something he'll like so much he'll take me back.
Ooh, I know! I'll find him a boyfriend!
That's the spirit!
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
When you can't help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
Hey boys, what's the hat for?
Ooh, we're collecting money!
It's for Kate! We're raising money to build her dream school!
Give us your money!
You'll be glad that you did!
That's just what my parents
told me when I was a kid!
Shit!
But giving feels so great...
And I bet it wouldn't hurt your chances with Kate.
Well, that too.
I'll give you a dollar.
You're a gentleman and a scholar!
We so happy! We just exchange all your wedding gifts for cash!
Honey, don't tell them that!
We get about two thousand bucks!
Uh, yeah. So -- thanks, everybody!
We rich!
Give us your money!
Give us your goddamned money!
Give us the dough!
We're raising money for
a monster school,
but we've got a ways to go!
Sounds like you've got
money to burn...
And it's not like money that
you had to earn...
So give us your money --
A Monster School?
Sounds like a good cause.
Give me your wallet.
Oh my gosh! I don't know how to thank you guys.
I mean, Kate will be so grateful... that kind of money
is such a great start...
Yeah! Fifteen dollars!
Fifteen dollars?
Every little bit help!
Looks like we're gonna have to ask MORE people!
Hey!
Give us your money!
All that you've got!
Just fork it on over...
Or some puppets will get shot!
Hey!
It's time to pass the hat
And there' snothing you can do 'bout that.
So
Give us your money!
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
Every time you do good deeds
you're also serving your own needs.
When you help others,
you're really helping yourself!
When you give to a worthy cause,
you'll feel as jolly as Santa Claus.
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
How much do we get?
19. School For Monsters/ The Money Song reprise
Boy, it's not very much at all, is it?
Never say never, Princeton,
there's still one more person
we have to hit up!
No! No! No! Go away. Me busy.
But it for good cause!
What in it for me? Go away!
I guess Kate'll never get her school for Monsters.
What you say?
Kate wants to open a school for Monsters.
School for Monsters? Me never hear of that!
School for Monsters!
School for lonely little Monsters!
When me little,
going to school,
other children
think me not cool,
poking and pulling
at me fur...
Now we have therapist,
and work on this with her.
But me no need me therapy
if Monster School a reality!
Here! Me give you ten million dollars!
Trekkie! Where did you get all that money?!
In volatile market, only stable investment is porn!
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
Every time you do
good deeds,
you're also serving your
own needs!
When you help others,
you can't help helping yourself!
20. There's a Fine, Fine Line / What Do You Do With a B.A. in English
The Monsterssori School. I don't even know where to start!
Do you know who get idea and collect all the money
and buy building for you?
Was it you?
No. It Princeton.
Princeton? For me?
You said you couldn't make you dreams come true by yourself,
so I shot for the stars.
You've got to go after
the things you want
while you're still in
your prime...
There's a fine, fine line
between
love...
Thank you, Princeton.
So will you take me back, Kate?
I'll be so busy now, with all of the contractors, and
inspections, and hiring teachers and choosing textbooks...
Well, I could help you.
Can we take it one day at a time?
What do you do
with a B.A. in English?
Oh, look! A "For Rent" sign!
Oh my God!
You're Gary Coleman!
Yes I am!
Say, can you tell me where to find the super?
I am the super.
Well, listen -- I wanna ask you about the apartment for rent?
Oh, sure!
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute! That's it!
What?
My PURPOSE!
Look at this kid, here, all fresh-faced and new and not knowing anything!
He has no idea what he's in for! He thinks the hard part's over, but it's
not!
And maybe he needs a little help! Maybe my purpose is to take
everything I'm learning and put it -- put it into a show!
Are you high?
And I'm not some young kid who doesn't know anything. Fuck you!
21. For Now
Why does everything have to be so hard?
Maybe you'll never find your purpose.
Lots of people don't.
But then -- I don't know why I'm even alive!
Well, who does, really?
Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.
Take a breath, look around.
Swallow your pride.
For now...
Nothing lasts,
Life goes on.
Full of surprises.
You'll be faced
with problems
of all shapes and sizes.
You're going to have
to make a few
compromises...
for now...
But only for now! (for now)
Only for now! (for now)
Only for now!
For now we're healthy.
For now we're employed.
For now we're happy...
If not overjoyed.
And we'll accept the things
we cannot avoid, for now...
For now...
But only for now! (for now)
Only for now! (for now)
Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (for now)
Only for now!
Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!
Don't stress,
relax,
let life roll off
your backs
except for death
and paying taxes
everything in life is
only for now!
Each time you smile...
... Only for now
It'll only last a while.
... Only for now
Life may be scary...
... Only for now
But it's only temporary.
Ba-dum ba-dum,
ba-dum ba-dum
ba-da da da da
ba-da da-da da da-da
ba-dum ba-da, ba-dum
ba-da, oooooh --
Everything in life is only for now.