Duane, my dad's retirement party
is supposed to be a surprise,
so I need you to keep him occupied
and get him back here by 7:00 p.m. sharp.
That's when I'm releasing the doves.
Aw, man, I love doves.
[laughs] They're the birds of peace.
Unless... you could teach them
to attack on command.
Ah, then they would become
the most dangerous weapon in the world.
[evil laugh]
Ow! Coo! Coo!
No, the most dangerous weapon in the world is your mind.
Now, stay focused.
Making my dad's party great is-is really important to me, because I just...
Arnaz, for five dollars an hour, I expect to see
more bleach on the floor and less in your hair.
Five dollars an hour? I thought you said six.
It was six without back talk.
Looks like you blew that.
Good work, Big Mouth.
Why don't you just tell him about the vase we broke?
I mean, that Spirit broke.
Okay, Aunt Bernie, good luck in Kauai.
Uh, Daddy, bad news.
Aunt Bernie can't make it to the party.
First, my brother Chris bails on the party.
[mocking] "I've got to have surgery. I got a piece of glass in my eye."
Now Bernie.
You know, after all my father has done for us,
he deserves the perfect party.
As usual, it's up to me to make everything right.
Flex, don't you think you're overreacting?
I mean, your dad will understand. It's just a retirement party.
Now, Duane, I realize that you don't even know your father,
so maybe you don't have the same passion for him like I have for my dad.
[crying] Arnaz...
feel free to clean the floor with my tears.
♪ Sometimes in this life ♪
♪ You can feel all by yourself ♪ ♪ Check one, two ♪
♪ But I have a partner ♪
♪ When I can't trust no one else ♪
♪ So don't isolate yourself ♪
♪ When there's nobody around ♪ ♪ Uh-huh, oh, yeah ♪
♪ I'll be there through thick and thin ♪
♪ What a true love we have found ♪
♪ Me and you against the world ♪
♪ Living one on one ♪
♪ One on one ♪
♪ Can't nobody break this bond ♪
♪ Living one on one ♪
♪ Life has just begun, now we're having fun ♪
♪ Living one on one ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Honey, I want to make a good impression on your mother.
Does she prefer a square toe or a round toe?
Or maybe she likes an open toe.
I didn't bring any.
I'll have to run to the store and get some!
Baby, you... you got nothing to worry about.
No, you don't understand. My boyfriends' mothers always end up hating me.
- Why? - Because I always feel like
they're judging me.
And I don't do well when people are judging me.
You're judging me now!
Hey, nobody's judging you.
It just comes as a bit of a surprise.
I always thought of you as so confident, you know?
- So together. - Nah, that's all a facade.
I can't handle the pressure of meeting parents.
Haven't you ever wondered why a woman who looks like this is still single?
Well, you know, I thought I was very lucky,
or you had a huge flaw in your character.
What am I going to do?
Don't worry, I'll be here for you.
And together, we'll make each other strong.
- Bad news, Flex. The doves are gone. - Get off me, woman.
The party is ruined.
I mean, how did you lose them?
Well, Flex, we were rehearsing,
and I figured they'd just, you know, fly away, then come right back.
Well, well, they flew away, and... they ain't come back.
- [knock on door] - [gasps] Oh, my God, it's her.
It's your mom.
Wait... h-h-hold it, baby, baby...
Calm down. I'm with you.
Breanna, go get the door. You ready, Natalie?
Oh, me? Yes. Yes, I'm Natalie, yes.
Uh, she's ready, yes.
Sweetie, don't talk in third person around my mother, okay?
Ooh, hey, Grandma.
Oh, there's my little sweetie.
Natalie, this is my mom. Mom, this is Natalie.
Oh, nice to meet you, Natalie.
Hi. I'm Natalie.
Yes!
- Isn't she pretty, Grandma? - Mm-hmm.
- [growling] - Okay, it's mostly make-up...
No, no, no, dear, no, it's my dog, Petey.
Aw, Mom, why did you bring Petey to the party?
He's going to ruin everything.
Oh, now you know I always take Petey everywhere.
Ooh, my feet hurt.
When are they going to get some parking around here?
I had to walk three blocks,
and, ooh, my dogs are barking.
[loud laughter]
Oh, but she has a dog, get it? This dog...
[awkward laughter] Oh, oh, oh yeah. That's funny.
You see, Grandma? She's pretty and funny.
[quietly] Uh, kids, it looks like this party is going south.
I want you to go to Sea King and get some more shrimp.
And take Petey with you. Go on.
Now, don't leave Petey in the car, okay?
He's got a skin condition.
You don't want him oozing on the seats.
Okay.
So, that explains why he's so sticky.
[sneezing]
I'm sorry. There's no way I'm riding in the same car as that dog.
I know. He always smells funny, too,
like a burp.
I don't want him in my ride.
Hey, Duane's not home.
Oh, well, do you think he'll mind?
Do we care?
[growling and barking]
[barking]
So, Mr. Excitement...
do you think they're ready for me at my surprise party yet?
No, they're not going to be ready till about 7:00.
[stammering] Wh-Wh... how'd you find out?
My barbers told me at the shop when they gave me a party yesterday.
So, um...
so what do you plan on doing with your retirement?
Oh, Duane, I don't know.
I don't golf.
I'm not into fishing.
I always dreamed of being a world traveler.
Ah... a gadabout.
Yeah... whatever.
I just think there's so much out there for me to see.
Thing is, I don't like flying.
Ah.
You know, flying's not the only way to travel.
[chuckling]
This is our Millennium Road Boss.
It has six wheels that'll never leave the ground...
unless you hit a hairpin turn...
at over eight miles an hour.
[chuckling]
Okay, we need a new plan of attack.
How about... we could talk about teaching.
Yeah, see, she's a teacher, you're a teacher.
Yes. Uh, I can do this.
Uh, uh...
So, uh, Mom... remember I was telling you
that Natalie's a teacher just like you?
Oh, that's right.
- What subject do you teach? - Art.
Ooh, art, how creative.
Yes, it's very fulfilling.
I'd much rather help children interpret subject matter
rather than make them regurgitate facts out of a textbook.
You know, like history or something.
- And what subject did you teach? - History.
So, those, uh, deviled eggs, huh?
You going with the Dijon this time?
Huh, Mommy?
"Do this. Do that."
Man, I can't wait to have kids
so I can boss them around.
Why is it that parents make teenagers do stuff
that they can do for themselves?
- Well, all I know is... - Breanna, look out!
[tires screech]
Was that what I think it was?
- Petey. - Petey.
Oh, poor Petey. Please, tell me he's still alive.
Well, he stopped bouncing.
Now, put the paprika in the bowl.
Uh, mix it up.
Mm-hmm.
See, that's how we make the famous Barnes deviled eggs.
[loudly] Uh, why don't you take these
and put them on the coffee table?
That-a-girl... yeah!
Flex, things have been going great since I stopped talking.
Uh, that's my girl.
You know what, the guests will be arriving any minute.
Could you do me a favor?
Would you put my mom's coat in the spare bedroom?
Sure.
[quietly] So, Mom, what do you think about Natalie?
Well... Flex, I'm sure she's a really nice girl,
but she hasn't got the sense that God gave an outhouse rat.
She probably teaches art 'cause it's the only word
she could spell on the application.
Mom, that's not fair.
Well, I'm sorry, sweetie, but Natalie's just not the girl for you.
[crying] I did it again.
[door slams]
You know, that's the most she's said to me in the last hour.
Natalie, please let me in.
[Natalie] No.
Mom, how could you do something like this?
You hurt her feelings.
You know, you need to patch this up.
- People are going to be here any minute... - [knock at door]
Oh, don't worry, Natalie.
I'll get that.
Flex, I'm sure this is your grandmother and your Uncle Slidell.
- You're going to be here... - I told you...
I told you this was the right place, Slidell.
I know, Mama.
You know everything.
How many ounces is in a gallon.
How many miles to the moon.
How many meetings I've got to miss
before they revoke my parole.
Slidell, good to see you.
- Queen Esther. - Hah.
Eunice, Eunice.
My big brother's prize.
[laughing]
You know it should've been me at the carnival that day.
[laughing]
Hey, baby.
Where's that girlfriend we've been hearing so much about?
I can't wait to meet her.
I just hope she don't have big hips like Eunice.
Well, at least I got all my teeth.
I can't go in there.
Breanna, you have to go in there sooner or later.
But can't you see?
[whining] I've got blood on my hands.
That's because you put Petey in this box
instead of kicking him down the sewer like I suggested.
Breanna, maybe you can tell your grandmother
he committed suicide.
I mean, he did look a little depressed.
Yeah, you would too if you saw a car bumper coming at you
at 50 miles an hour.
You guys don't get it.
My grandma will never forgive me.
I need to go get myself together...
[whimpering] and wash my hands.
Where's my baby Richard?
I don't know, but my Richard should have been here by now.
[chuckling]
I know I wouldn't be running home if you made me that potato salad.
Baby, come out.
Flex, I'm not coming out until that woman apologizes to Natalie.
[sighs]
Oh, okay, here comes Mama.
[mimicking Eunice] Natalie, I'm sorry.
You're the perfect girl for my son.
Very funny, Flex.
I'm not Flex.
I'm my mama.
- [bangs on door] - Ooh!
You can do what you want, I'm not coming out.
That's right. You ain't coming out this time, Mr. Creepers!
All right, Mom, Dad's going to be here any minute.
You need to apologize now.
Now, son, wouldn't it be best for everybody
if she just stayed in that room?
I'm sure there are plenty of shiny things in there
for her to play with.
Mom, look, I am tired of you doing this.
[Slidell] I said, no, Mr. Creepers.
Let me be!
Uncle Slidell, you been drinking?
Where'd you find the liquor?
I didn't.
While I was in your bathroom,
I noticed your mouthwash was 30% alcohol.
So I mixed myself a little cocktail.
Mint Jubilee!
Oh, okay, come on, now.
You need to lay down. Go across the hall to Duane's
so you don't stink up my place.
Oh...
Boy's all uppity 'cause he use deodorant.
But I didn't mean to kill him.
Hey, now.
What in the name of Lena Horne naked on the Internet
is going on around here?
[whining] We killed Grandma's dog.
No, no, no, no.
You killed Grandma's dog.
But it was an accident.
One minute I was driving, and then the next moment,
Petey was bouncing off of a bus stop.
And now he's dead, and it's all my fault.
Oh, baby, look.
Now, I know it's hard,
but death...
is a part of life, and it's not a bad thing.
- But it's not good. - Heck, yeah, it's good.
The only tragedy in death is if you hadn't lived.
You see, Petey gave love...
and he received love.
He lived and then he died.
You see, children,
death isn't an ending, it's a beginning.
We should celebrate...
not mourn.
Can I get an "amen"?
[all] Amen.
Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
I didn't say nothing about no "amen."
I said can I get a mint.
My breath is humming.
- Smell that. [Blowing] - [groaning]
[barking]
[Breanna] Oh, my gosh!
Petey's alive! It's a miracle.
Oh, see, now we say, "amen."
Because the little doggie came back to life.
Natalie, you've got to eat something.
Okay, I'm sticking one of these pigs in a blanket under the door.
Uh, okay, the blanket came off, but here comes the pig.
Did you spit in this?
Now, look, for the last 40 years
I've been listening to your guff, old lady.
And as of today, we are not talking anymore.
Well, roll in another cake
because that's a reason to celebrate!
How dare you?
Hmm.
[scoffs]
Grandma, what is it with the women in this family?
You're so catty.
Oh, honey, she's so easy to get to.
I've been riding her like a pack mule since the day Richard brought her home.
[chuckling]
But why? Don't you like my mother?
I like her fine.
But she took away my Richard.
And he was the sensible one.
The least she could've done was taken Slidell off my hands.
But Grandma, it's not like she stole my dad from you.
He's still a part of your life.
It's not the same thing.
I had been taking care of Richard since the day he was born.
Then this woman comes along
and pretends that she can do a better job than me?
But Grandma, Mom and Dad have been married for 40 years.
Well, that doesn't matter.
As long as my feet hit the pavement, honey,
I'll always be his mama.
And no big-hip harpy going to change that.
That's why she chased my girlfriend into the spare bedroom.
- What? - Uh...
Uh, Natalie, this is my grandmother, Queen Esther.
It's nice to meet you.
I'll let you two girls get acquainted.
Uh, so I hear you're a pretty girl.
Grandma's a piece of work, isn't she, Ma?
I curse the day I met that woman.
Must be hard having your man's mother not like you.
I haven't been fair to Natalie, have I?
Ma, I think I know what you're going through,
but I'm going to always need you.
[chuckles] Yeah, like your brother and sister?
He didn't even ask me to fly in for his surgery.
She's busy traveling around the world and...
probably got a mother in every port.
Who, Bernie?
Don't nobody want to be her mother but you.
[chuckling]
True.
But then there's the whole thing about your father retiring.
Now, what are we going to do all day?
Mom, can we get back to you and me?
Oh, baby, I'm sorry. I forgot you always did need a lot of attention.
See?
No matter what I do
or-or where I go or who I'm with...
I'm always going to want that from you.
Oh... [laughs]
Aw...
[sighs]
Let's go apologize to Natalie.
No reason to have her spitting in my water 20 years from now.
[laughing]
Now let me tell you something, Mrs. Barnes!
I was talking to Queen Esther,
who by the way is a lovely lady...
I'm sorry... Natalie.
Oh...
Thank God.
Natalie just wanted you to like me.
Oh...
Surprise!
[all] Surprise!
[Slidell] Hey... Uh... happy... uh...
- You know. - [laughing]
Slidell, I see you found the mouthwash.
Ha, ha, ooh, let me refresh my drink.
It reduces tartar buildup.
Mama!
My baby.
Oh, my, my, my, my.
My son, the frog, has finally found his princess.
Dad, this is Natalie.
It's nice to meet you, Mr. Barnes.
Nice to meet you, Natalie.
Oh, Flex, she's a pretty thing.
She reminds me of a young beauty I meet at a carnival
some 40-odd years ago.
[chuckling]
She was wearing a poodle skirt.
I loved that poodle skirt.
[giggling]
Ooh, you know, I still have it.
All right, all right.
D-Dad, please, I want to make a toast.
Dad, you've worked six days a week,
for 52 weeks a year,
all to take care of your family,
and I never said thank you.
Tonight...
I'm saying thank you, Daddy.
You're welcome, son.
- Hear, hear. - Hear, hear.
[chuckling]
And, uh... now I think this is a good time
to let everybody know that I'm selling the house.
[gasps]
Because I just bought a new motor home.
We are going to see America the beautiful.
[both laughing]
Oh, Richard!
That sounds so exciting. [Laughing]
Yeah, just you and me... and Mama.
[crying] Oh, no! Oh, no!
Well, you've met the Barnes family.
What do you think?
Natalie thinks they're just fine.
Mm, mm.
Well, let's get this party started!
[blues music playing]
[party music playing next door]
[chuckling]
Oh, Uncle Slidell.
[gasps] Mr. Creepers!
Who?
Don't hurt me, Mr. Creepers. No, don't!
- No, no, it's Duane. - Don't hurt me.
[Duane screaming]
♪ One on One ♪
♪ One on one ♪
- I love you, Daddy. - Love you, too, Nellie.