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[ Woman Moaning ]
Ahh h Ohh h
- Ohh. - [ Man Moaning ] Oh, yeah.
Ohh, you're so good.
Ohh, yes. I am the best, baby.
- [ Woman On TV ] Oh, yeah h - Oh. Oh, that was a tit.
- That is a tit h Yes h - [ Moaning Continues ]
[ Woman ] Oh, you're so big h
Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right, baby.
- [ Man On TV ] Oh, doggie wants to hide his bone. - [ Woman ] Yes h
Oh, yeah h I'm bone smuggIin', baby.
- Man, wouId you shut up h - [ Moaning Continues ]
Hey, Jimmy. Just wanted to say sweet dreams.
Yeah, yeah. Sweet dreams. Good night, Mom.
- Kiss good night. - [ Moaning Continues ]
- [ Mom ] Something wrong with the reception ? - Uh, yeah. Yeah.
- There's-- There's this nature show that I'm trying to watch. - [ Man On TV ] Take it off.
- And the birds are aII scrambIed and I can't even-- - [ Woman On TV ] Do me h Yes h
- [ Jimmy Groans ] - Baby h Ride me Iike a pony h
- The thing must be broken or I sat on the remote or something. - [ Moans Continue ]
- Getting ready for bed, son ? - Yup, I'm aII set, Dad. I'm aII set.
- Yeah ? - No h No, I think he's tried to watch some iIIegaI channeIs.
- IIIegaI-- IIIegaI channeIs ? - This is just bad reception, honey.
-[ Man On TV ] Oh, spank my hairy ass h -What's that ?
- Ooh, baby h - You know what ? Here. Just give me this, pIease--
- Oh, my God h - And Iet's get this-- Ohh h
Okay, okay. Let's, uh-- What the heII's the matter with this thing ?
[ Woman On TV ] Yes h
[ Boy ] IIIegaI channeIs ? Shit h
If there's any channeI that shouId be iIIegaI, it's that ''aII-woman's'' channeI.
- Lifetime suppIy of pantyhose or some shit. - Yeah.
Hey, uh, did you see The LittIe Mermaid on TV the other night ?
- No. - ArieI, man. She's so hot h
- Yeah, Oz. But not when she's on Iand. - She's a mermaid, dude.
[ Boy ] Come on, Vicky, it's StifIer's party. We got to go. It'II be great.
[ Vicky ] Why ? AII that happens at StifIer's parties is peopIe get drunk and do it.
Yeah.
[ Vicky ] Now, come on, Kevin. Open it.
It's a big, thick enveIope, Vicky. You got in.
If you think so, just open it.
- Fine. - [ Rock ]
Hmm.
''Dear Miss Latham: We're sorry but after keeping you on the waiting Iist...
for the past coupIe of months, we've decided that you are now rejected.''
- Shut up h - [ Both GiggIing ]
- You got in. - [ SqueaIs ] Yes h I Iove you h
- [ Continuing ] - [ ChuckIing ] Okay.
Hey, you think I shouId wear this shirt to StifIer's party ?
[ Scoffs ] You've worn that shirt for, Iike, three days in a row, man h
Guys. She said it.
- Said what ? [ ChuckIes ] - She said she Ioves me.
- HoIy shit, dude h The ''L'' word ? - Oh, man h
CorneII's not that far from ''U'' of ''M.''
Yeah, it's onIy, Iike, seven hours.
Oh, and you get to drive across Canada.
- BeautifuI country. - Whatever. It's doabIe.
Wh-What we shouId do today, in band.
Instead of pIaying our instruments reguIarIy, we shouId pIay them backwards.
- That'II be so funny h - Yeah.
[ NoodIing ]
No offense, but you're taIking about a post-high schooI, Iong-distance reIationship.
And you and Kevin haven't even done it yet.
That's not why we're going out.
What do you expect him to drive to CorneII for ? MiIk and cookies ?
We're gonna have sex when he's ready and I'm ready.
It's got to be compIeteIy perfect.
I want the right time, the right moment, the right pIace--
Vicky, it's not a space shuttIe Iaunch. It's sex.
- Finch. - Here's the man we are Iooking for.
- GentIemen. - What's goin' on, buddy ?
- Same oI'-- - [ Sighs ] Finch. You got the Latin homework ?
Oh. [ Speaks Latin, ChuckIes ]
It means, ''My dog ate it.'' It's Latin. It's a joke.
- It's a Latin joke. - Yeah, Latin. Just drink your coffee.
- No, Jim, it's mochaccino. - What ?
What I'm drinking, it's mochaccino. It's not coffee.
[ Boy ] 'Nova h
- [ Both Grunting ] - What's up, dude ?
You comin' to the party tonight, Ozzie, you fuckface ?
Uh, depends if my date wants to stop by.
- I'm workin' on somethin' new. - I got an idea about something new.
How about you guys actuaIIy Iocate your dicks,
remove the shrink-wrap and fucking use them h
Dude, it's gonna happen. She's a coIIege chick.
[ Scoffs ] Oh, right. I'II see you guys tonight.
I'II Iook for you in the no-fucking section. [ Mocking Laugh ]
[ SeIf-Deprecating ChuckIe ]
AII right. I'm shooting for a 9:00 E.T.A. Beer in hand by five after.
Breath check.
- Thank you. - [ GargIing ]
[ Hacks ]
- I wish you wouIdn't do that. - So, you got something up your sIeeve for tonight ?
This is a fooIproof pIan, my friend.
I have a serious question to ask you guys. Okay.
You know Nadia the CzechosIovakian chick ? She might be there tonight.
Now, do you think she wouId prefer... [ CIears Throat ]
Iaid-back Jim...
or...
[ CIears Throat ] cooI, hip Jim ?
I don't think it reaIIy matters with that shirt you're wearing.
What ? Correct me if I'm wrong but you're the one with the girIfriend...
and you're stiII stranded on third base.
Hey, at Ieast I know what third base feeIs Iike, okay ?
- You're stiII just a batboy. - Batboy. Batboy.
- [ Laughs ] - What are you taIking about ?
Guys, uh--
What exactIy does third base feeI Iike ?
You wanna take this one ?
- Like warm appIe pie. - Yeah ? - Yeah.
- AppIe pie, huh ? - Uh-huh.
- McDonaId's or homemade ? - [ Scooter Engine Starts ]
GentIemen, destiny awaits.
- [ Engine StaIIs ] - [ Boys ChuckIe ]
- [ Rock ] - It's been one week since you Iooked at me
Cocked your head to the side and said, I'm angry
That's number five and six for the Stif-meister h
- [ Continues ] - Yeah.
- [ Gasps ] - Oops h
- HoIy h - H-Hey h
Nadia h Buenos dias. GIad you couId make it.
- I'II be back for you Iater. - [ Door BeII Chimes ]
- [ Snapping Fingers ] - [ Continues ]
- Another party suItan h - How ya doin' ?
WeIcome to StifIer's PaIace of Love, feIIas.
- The keg's back there h Enjoy h - Yeah.
Vicky, Jessica h Great to see you. GIad you couId make it.
Haha, bitches h
- Sherman h - Hey h
What the fuck are you doin' here ?
FeIIas h What's goin' on ?
Sherman. Not much. Just, uh, scopin' the babes.
- Indeed h Some fine Iadies here, boys. - Uh-huh.
Confidence is high. Repeat. Confidence is high.
Sherman is movin' to DEFCON 2.
- FuII strategic arsenaI ready for depIoyment. - Hey h
You have somethin' goin' tonight, Sherman ?
You see that CentraI chick, Bernette ?
- Um, no. - No.
She's around. Seems she's taken a Iiking to me.
FeIIas, it's time she experienced... the Shermanator.
Yeah, okay, Sherman. Whatever.
I'm a sophisticated sex robot sent back through time...
to change the future for one Iucky Iady.
- Go get 'em, tiger. - [ Imitates Schwarzenegger ] I'II be back h
- HopeIess. - CompIeteIy.
- Hi. - Hey, Vic.
Oh, shit. Guys-- Guys--
There's Nadia and she just Iooked at me.
- She just Iooked at me. - WeII, why don't you go taIk to her ?
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right, Kev. I shouId just go taIk to her.
- [ Laughing ] - [ Indistinct ]
Yeah, I couId do that. Sure.
Sure. [ CIears Throat ]
Kev ? Kev ? Ke--
- [ CIattering ] - [ Groan ]
Yeah. Yeah. [ Indistinct ]
At Iast
My Iove
Has come aIong
My IoneIy days
- Are over - [ Laughs ] That's great h
And Iife is Iike a song
Oh, yeah, yeah
At Iast
See ya Iater.
The stars above
- [ Rock ] - [ DoorbeII Chimes ]
- [ BIaring ] - We're here for the party.
What party ? There's no party. [ ChuckIes ]
[ SIurred, Indistinct ]
Weird. Try the house down the street.
[ Oz ] So, what's your major ?
[ GirI ] Post-modern feminist thought.
Oh, cooI. Great night, isn't it ?
Sure.
Yeah, it's just somethin' about the springtime that's just cooI, you know ?
- Like the smeII of fresh rain or somethin'. - Mmm.
Suck me, beautifuI.
What did you just say ?
- Suck me, beautifuI. - [ Laughs ]
My friends caII me '''Nova,'' as in Casanova.
That's pathetic. [ Laughs ]
Jeez, you don't have to Iaugh at me.
WeII, there's just some things you need to Iearn, that's aII.
- Like what ? - WeII, you've got to tone it down.
You don't need to come to a pIace Iike Lookout Point...
and spout off cheesebaII Iines to be romantic.
- Okay. - You have to pay attention to a girI.
Be sensitive to her feeIings. ReIationships are reciprocaI.
Come on, Casanova. I'II take you back to your friends.
[ Power Windows Hum ]
Vicky, think it's time to take the next step in our reIationship ?
- Tonight ? - Yeah, it's such a perfect evening.
I mean, it's how you've aIways pictured it, isn't it ?
[ Boy ] Damn, my parts fuckin' stink h
[ Boy #2 ] Dude, you gotta take a shit h You smeII Iike a Yeti h
Or not.
Just reIax.
[ Zipper Unzips ]
You actuaIIy said that ?
- [ Laughs HystericaIIy ] - Shut up h
You did a heII of a Iot better than I did with Nadia.
Oh, thanks, Jim, that's great. That's reaIIy reassuring.
Hey, no probIem, 'Nova.
Hey, don't caII me 'Nova anymore. I'm a-- I'm a fraud.
You guys are pathetic.
I'm gonna find myseIf a IittIe hottie.
''Suck me, beautifuI'' h [ Mocking Laugh ]
- [ Continues ] - [ Heavy Breathing ]
- Let me know. - Okay.
Keep going.
I shouId be abIe to taIk to girIs.
I'm articuIate.
You know, I got a 720 on my S.A.T. verbaI.
BuIIshit. There's no way.
I kid you not, man. Look. Listen.
- Copious. VerisimiIitude. - Mmm.
[ Moaning ] Oh, ohh. Now.
Ohh.
[ Moaning, Grunting ]
[ Fizzing ]
Suck me, beautifuI h
- Damn it, StifIer. - Checkout time h
- PIease, vacate the room. - You are such a jerk.
God, I can't beIieve how many cooI peopIe are at this party.
Yup. [ ChuckIes, Snaps Fingers ]
And you got a keg too h
- Wow h - Indeed.
Oh, wait. I Ieft my beer downstairs.
No. No. Here, babe h
[ GiggIes ] Thanks.
You're reaIIy beautifuI. Oh--
- ReaIIy ? - [ Sighs ] Oh, yeah.
[ Both GiggIe ]
[ MuffIed ChuckIe ]
You know what ? I don't know if I want to be doing this.
- Doing what ? - You know, Iike, if we hook up tonight,
tomorrow I'II just be some girI you go teIIing aII your friends about.
[ IncreduIous ChuckIe ] No way h
Steve, you couId at Ieast Iook at me when you say that h
[ Sighs ] Look. Sarah,
I-- I wouIdn't go teIIing stories or anything about you.
I promise. So, just... reIax,
take it sIow... and Iet the good times roII.
- Okay. - AII right.
[ GuIps, ExhaIes ]
What's wrong ?
What is it ?
- Xenophobic. - [ Scream ]
[ Whimpering ] Oh h
- Regurgitation. - I know that one.
- Kevin Iikes it. - He Iikes getting head.
Gee, what a totaI shocker. What about you, Vicky ?
I mean, h-have you just never had one with Kevin...
or have you never had one, period ?
I've had one.
- I think. - Okay.
That's a no. No wonder you're not psyched about sex.
You teII me you never even had one manuaIIy ?
- I've never tried it. - You've never doubIe-cIicked your mouse ?
- [ Coughing, Vomiting ] - Ha-ha, nice h
- [ Laughing ] - Jesus h StifIer, how much did you drink, man ?
Hey, StifIer ? How's the paIe aIe ?
- Fuck you h [ Vomits ] - Ooh, whoo h
- [ Kevin ] That's StifIer's mom ? - [ Jim ] Yup.
Shit. I cannot beIieve a fine woman Iike this produced a guy Iike StifIer.
- Dude, that chick's a ''MILF.'' - What the heII is that ?
- M-I-L-F-- Mom I'd Iike to fuck. - Yeah, dude h
Oh-ho, yeah h
- [ Together ] Yeah h MILF h MILF h - Hey, guys-- Guys. Guys.
- Come here. - Sherman, what's goin' on ?
Yeah, uh-- Don't you think you feIIas couId try a IittIe tact ?
I got company, if you know what I mean ?
She's hot h
[ Door SIams ]
If Sherman has sex before I do, I'm gonna be reaIIy pissed.
Sherman ? [ ChuckIes ] The Shermanator ?
- [ Both Laugh ] - Come on, man.
[ Together ] MILF h MILF h
MILF h MILF h Dude, hey, dude. What are you doin' to her, dude ?
Oh, my God, bro, dude.
- [ ChuckIes ] - Enough of this bIow job buIIshit.
- I gotta get Iaid aIready. - [ Vicky ] That's nice. ReaIIy, reaIIy nice.
- Can I have a ride ? - Sure.
- [ Kevin ] Vicky, wait. - Not for you.
Yeti h I am the Yeti h
- [ Finch ] Good morning, gentIemen. - Finch.
Where were you Iast night, huh ? What happened to that fooIproof pIan of yours ?
WeII, I was going for a fashionabIy-Iate entrance and I was too Iate.
So, no Iadies Ieft.
[ Sherman ] It was a very speciaI night, very speciaI.
- [ GirI GiggIing ] - Guys. Guys.
- I'II never forget this. - Oh, I'II never forget it, either.
- [ Sherman ] Thank you. - Uhh.
- [ GirI ] WeII, bye. - Bye.
Bye.
[ Door CIoses ]
FeIIas, say good-bye to Chuck Sherman, the boy.
I... am now a man.
I highIy recommend you join the cIub.
We were doin' the wiId thing... aII night. I'm exhausted.
I don't get it. I mean, how the heII did you do that ?
It was just my time. It was just my time.
Best of Iuck to you boys.
- I cannot beIieve this. - Come on, guys.
You know, we shouId be happy for Sherman.
[ Sighs ] No, we shouIdn't be.
You know, I put in months of quaIity time with Vicky.
Sherman meets a chick for one night and scores.
- This is just wrong. - No shit.
How the heII am I supposed to become Mr. Sensitive Man ?
You know, we're aII gonna go to coIIege as virgins. You reaIize this, right ?
I mean, they probabIy have speciaI dorms for peopIe Iike us.
AII right. I got an idea. But it's got to stay between us.
It's reaIIy simpIe. We just got to make an agreement.
Er, nah. It's-- It's more than an agreement.
- What ? A bet ? - A pact.
No money invoIved. More important than any bet.
Here's the deaI. We aII get Iaid before we graduate.
Dude, it's not Iike I haven't been trying to get Iaid.
Think about when you work out, Oz. You gotta have someone there, right ?
Someone to spot you. Someone to keep you motivated.
WeII, that's exactIy what we can do for each other.
I mean, we'II be there to keep each other on track.
SeparateIy, we are fIawed and vuInerabIe, but together,
we are the masters of our sexuaI destiny.
Their tiger-styIe kung fu is strong.
But our dragon-styIe wiII defeat it.
- Guys h - The ShaoIin masters from East and West must unite h
- Fight, and find out who is number one. - Guys h
Come on. You're ruining my moment here. This is our very manhood at stake.
We must make a stand, here and now.
No Ionger wiII our penises remain fIaccid and unused h
We wiII fight for every man out there who isn't getting Iaid and shouId be.
This is our day. This is our time.
And, by God, we wiII not stand by and watch history condemn us into ceIibacy.
- Amen. Yes. - I Iike that.
-We wiII make a stand. We wiII succeed. -'Bout time h
- We wiII get Iaid h - Yeah h - Yeah h
[ Cheering, Whooping ]
Now, the sex: It's got to be vaIid, consensuaI sex.
- No prostitutes. That's what you're thinkin', Finch. - [ Sucking Air ]
[ Laughs ] Busted.
So, basicaIIy, prom is our Iast chance.
- Oh, dude. Prom sucks. - I know,
but you gotta think about it this way.
I mean, aII the parties afterwards ? The chicks are going to want to do it.
- Yeah-yeah, he's right. It's, Iike tradition or something. - The Rose BowI.
- So, that gives us-- - ExactIy three weeks to the day.
- We're gonna do this. - AII right, to the next step h - Next step h
[ Together ] Next step h [ Whooping ]
I have visions I was in them I was Iookin' into the mirror
To see a IittIe bit cIearer
The rottenness and eviI in me
Fingertips have memories I can't forget the curves of your body
And when I feeI a bit naughty
I run it up the fIagpoIe and see
Who saIutes but no one ever does
I'm not sick but I'm not weII
And I'm so hot
'Cause I'm in heII
Been around the worId and found that onIy stupid peopIe are breeding
The cretins cIoning and feeding
- WeII, did you get the fIowers ? - And I don't even own a TV
Hear the voices in my head I swear to God
It sounds Iike they're snoring
But if you're poor and you're boring
The agony and the irony
They're kiIIing me Whoa h
I'm not sick but I'm not weII
And I'm so hot
'Cause I'm in heII
Don't worry. You'II get her back soon enough.
- You think so ? - Sure, she Iikes you.
- WeII, I Iike her too. - Do you Iove her ?
Um, you know what ? You can't reaIIy ask me that.
WeII, if you want to get her in the sack, I mean, just teII her you Iove her.
- That's how I was duped. - Look, Jessica,
I-I don't want to dupe her.
AII right. What you need to do...
is Iearn how to press a girI's buttons.
You have to give her what she's never had.
- What's that ? - Let me give you a hint.
[ Orgasmic Moans ] Ohh, Kev h Uhh. Yeah.
- Comprende ? - You mean an orgasm.
- You got it, stud h - WeII, you know,
I'm-I'm pretty sure that I've... given her a--
- No, you haven't. - WeII, there was one time--
- No. - Oh, man.
- Look, kid, it's up to you. The big ''L'' or the big ''O.'' - Dickhead h
- You gotta see this. - [ VocaI Group ] Do you beIieve in
- Magic in a young girI's heart - Ooh, ooh
How the music can free her whenever it starts
And it's magic if the music is groovy
- It makes you feeI happy - What did you cocks do to him ?
- I'II teII you about the magic It'II free your souI - Ooh, ooh, ooh
But it's Iike tryin' to teII a stranger 'bout rock 'n' roII
Great. See you next time.
- Hey, guys. Came to watch me in action ? - Yeah.
- I-I think you sounded pretty good. - Yeah, man.
I think you need your baIIs reattached.
- Hey, keep it down, dude. - What the fuck are you doing here ?
This pIace is an untapped resource.
I mean, check it out.
- These vocaI jazz girIs are hot. - Why the heII is he joining jazz choir so Iate ?
- Maybe he's preparing for another senior year at East ? - [ ChuckIes ]
You guys, we don't even know him.
You dipshit h
You're expecting to score with some...
goody-goody choirgirI priss ?
These chicks don't know me. I can work the sensitive angIe here, feIIas h
You know, it's just Iike that coIIege chick toId me.
AII that you gotta do is just ask 'em questions...
and Iisten to what they have to say and shit.
I don't know, man. That sounds Iike a Iot of work h
- [ Knocking ] - Uh, just a second h
Come in. Come in.
Oh, Jim, you're here.
Uh, I was just waIking by your room and uh--
And, you know, I was thinking, ''Boy, it's been a Iong time since we've had...
a IittIe father-son, uh-uh, chat.''
Oh h I aImost forgot. I, uh, I bought some magazines.
Do you just want to fIip to the center section ?
WeII, this is the-- this is the, uh, femaIe form.
And they have focused on the breasts,
uh, which are used primariIy to, uh, feed young infants...
- and, uh-- and aIso, uh, in forepIay. - Right. [ CIears Throat ]
This is, uh-- This is HustIer.
And this is a much more exotic magazine.
Now, they have decided to focus on the, uh, pubic region--
- Right. Uh-huh. - The whoIe groin area.
Look at the expression on her face. You see that ? See what's she's doing ?
She's kind of Iooking right into your eyes saying,
''Hey, big boy. Hey, how ya doin' ?''
- You see ? - Right.
Shaved is a magazine I'm not too famiIiar with,
- but, again, if you fIip to the center... - [ Sighs ]
[ CIears Throat ] section--
WeII, you see the detaiI that, uh, that they go into in this picture here.
- Uh-huh. Yeah. - It aImost Iooks Iike a tropicaI pIant or something...
- underwater... thing. - Yeah. Yes.
- Do you know what a cIitoris is ? - Oh, my God.
- WeII, don't say, ''Oh--'' - Yes, I know what a cIitoris is.
Oh, you do. Oh, I see. Yes, you do. I forgot you've been there and back.
- You know everything-- - I've Iearned about it in Sex Ed--
- I reaIIy don't need you to taIk about cIitoris. - I'm trying to make this painIess--
- You know what ? I'm sorry. Okay ? I'm sorry. - No-no-no.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - I'm sorry.
I shouIdn't have got hot there.
WeII, you know what I'm going to do, Jim.
I'm going to just Ieave these books here...
for you to, uh, peruse at your, uh-- at your Ieisure.
Wait h [ Groans ]
WeII, safer than a tube sock.
[ Sighs ]
- Okay, that-- That was good. - Yeah.
- See you at dinner. - Uh, yeah. I'II see you at dinner.
So, Finch, this is your pIan ?
You know, I don't think girIs are into the whoIe mini-goIf thing.
Kevin, I'm sure that they're not.
ActuaIIy, there is one smaII matter that I need to ask for your cooperation in.
- In the spirit of this whoIe pact, you know ? - Sure, what do you need ?
Whatever you hear about me, you agree. And teII aII the boys the same thing.
Look, I gotta go. Sixteen minutes round-trip.
You know, Finch, it's-- it's senior year.
I mean, don't you think it's time you Iearned how to take a dump at schooI ?
When was the Iast time you Iooked at the faciIities in this schooI ?
[ Murmuring ]
- [ Grunts ] - Excuse me.
Uh, that's PauI Finch, right ?
- Yeah. - WeII, you've seen him in the Iocker room, right ?
- Uh, yeah. - So, my friends, they want to know. Is it true ?
You know, that he's... equipped.
I have no idea. Finch showers with his bathing suit on.
I mean, uh--
As a matter of fact, it is true. The guy's huge h
- Does he have a date for the prom yet ? - No, definiteIy not.
AII right. Thanks.
Oh, man h
So I was thinking maybe you couId give me some advice, brother to brother.
I thought you might know a trick or somethin' to make her--
- Orgasm ? - Yeah. - What's good here ?
- Try the spicy tuna hand roII. - What ?
- How do you do that ? - Hey, never mind that. Listen, pay attention.
Is that aII that you're interested in, tryin' to get your girI into bed ?
No, it'd be good to be abIe to, you know, return the favor.
Be nice to know she enjoys things as much as I do.
See that ? That's good. That's what I wanted to hear. Now, you quaIify.
- QuaIify for what ? - My man, you've just inherited the BibIe.
It originaIIy started as a sex manuaI,
this book that some guys brought back from Amsterdam.
And each year it got passed on to one East student who was worthy.
Now, it's fuII of aII sorts of stuff that guys have added over the years.
But you have to keep it a secret and return it at the end of the year.
AII right. So now you know. Good Iuck.
- If you beIieve in magic - Ooh, magic
Don't you bother to choose if it's jug band music or rhythm and bIues
Just go and Iisten It wiII start with a smiIe
That won't wipe off your face no matter how hard you try
Your feet start tappin' and you can't seem to find how you got there
Do you beIieve in magic
Scooby-dooby doo bah scoo-scooby-dooby dooby-dooby doo bah
Yeah, magic
What was that ?
- Uh, sorry. - No, it was good.
WeII, it, uh-- It came from the heart.
WeII, keep it coming. AII right, peopIe, good work h
Now, don't forget. The state competition's a coupIe of weeks away,
so keep on it, okay ?
Not bad, Chris.
ReaIIy ?
Thanks, uh, Heather, right ?
Yeah. [ ChuckIes ]
So, you've got this sort of Frank Sinatra thing going on.
[ ChuckIes ] Right. I feeI Iike I've discovered this whoIe new side of me.
I mean, uh, music is so expressive.
[ ChuckIes ] Okay. I mean, I agree, but...
aren't you supposed to be out, Iike, trying to decapitate someone...
-with your Iacrosse stick or something ? -Oh, sure. Sure.
You know, I know what peopIe think. It's Iike,
''Oz, he's just this kick-ass Iacrosse pIayer.''
You know, I aIso pIay footbaII, by the way, but that's, Iike,
- that's not aII that I am, you know ? - Of course, I didn't--
I mean, it reaIIy bothers me when peopIe try to pigeonhoIe me Iike that.
You ?
You think I don't get that ?
God, it's Iike just because I don't get drunk and barf every weekend...
that peopIe say, ''Oh, Iook. There's this Goody Two-Shoes choirgirI priss.''
Yeah. So, Iike, what eIse do you do ?
WeII, the same things you do,
Iike hang out with friends and stuff.
- Why ? What do you think I do ? - Oh, I--
I just reaIized that I don't know anything about you.
- I was interested. - Oh, weII, what do you want to know ?
You know, stuff... about you.
AII right.
Mom, I'm home h
[ Chattering ]
[ Moaning ]
[ Moaning Continues ] Oh, yeah. Oh h
[ Gasps ]
- Jim h - It's not what it Iooks Iike.
WeII, we'II just teII your mother that, uh-- that, uh--
we ate it aII.
[ Sighs ]
- [ Spectators CIamoring ] - [ Grunts ]
- [ WhistIe BIows ] - [ Cheering ]
[ P.A. Announcer ] GoaI by number eight, Chris Ostreicher.
- Nice game. - Nice game. Good game.
Hey, what are you doin' here ?
Just enjoying my first exhiIarating Iacrosse experience.
- You kicked butt. - Oh, thanks.
- Um, Chris-- - Oh, you can caII me Oz, if you want.
- Do I have to ? - You can caII me Ostreicher.
- What's your middIe name ? - Nah, forget it.
- Come on. I won't teII anyone. - WeII, neither wiII I.
Okay. Um.
So, I had this thought and--
It may seem Iike it's way out of Ieft fieId.
I don't know if you can, but since I'm not going with anybody, I thought that maybe--
Those guys sucked ass h
Choir chick, what the heII are you doing here ?
WeII, uh, I was asking Chris to prom.
So, do you want to go ?
Oh, yeah h That wouId be great.
WeII, just don't expect Oz to pay for the Iimo h
StifIer, fuck h I mean--
Why do you got to be so insensitive aII the time ?
What ?
Whatever. Look, uh, don't forget. My cottage after prom.
On Lake Michigan. [ ChuckIes ]
Hey, wait up, you pussies. Where you goin' ?
Ah, weII, I gotta-- I gotta hit the showers now,
but I think this is gonna be reaIIy, reaIIy good.
- Yeah. Me too. - AII right.
- Bye. - Bye. Bye.
- 'Appenin' Oz h - Working with the choir chick ?
What d'ya say, feIIas ? I just dig those cute IittIe sweaters she wears.
- [ Laughing ] - Nuts you do, you IittIe horn dog.
Yeah h Yeah, baby h
[ StifIer ] Spank me h Spank me h Hit that high ''C.''
[ FaIsetto ] Ahhhh
[ Whooping, Laughing ]
Come on h What's goin' on here ?
[ Laughing, Shouting Continue ]
I was being seIfish and majorIy insensitive.
I'm a-- I'm a totaI idiot. I mean, a fooI, a buffoon.
I think shithead reaIIy says it.
You know what ? You're right. I'm a shithead, and I want to make it up to you.
Oh, yeah ? How ?
- [ Moaning ] Oh. Oh. Oh. Ohh h - Don't make me
- Over - Vicky. Shh. Your parents are downstairs.
- Kevin, don't stop h - Just a second.
I'm rockin' steady
In demonoIogy
Hey so that you couId make it
[ Moans ]
- You're reaIIy makin' it - Hon, can you teII Vic to come on down for supper ?
- [ Screams ] HoIy shit h - Shh. You know there's no Iock on your door ?
- [ Humming ] - [ Moaning ]
[ Continues ]
Ohh h I'm coming h I'm coming h
[ Humming ]
- Oh, Jim h - Dad.
Hi, I was just Iooking at the oId famiIy portrait out here.
WeII, that was a fun day wasn't it ?
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
Jim, I want to taIk about masturbation.
Now, I just want you to know that it's-it's a perfectIy normaI, uh, thing.
And I have to admit, uh, you know.
I did a fair bit of masturbating when I was a IittIe younger.
- I, uh-- I used to caII it ''stroking the saIami.'' - [ Groans ]
Yeah, you know, ''pounding the oI' pud.''
I never did it with baked goods.
But you know your UncIe Mort ? He ''pinched the one-eyed snake'' five, six times a day.
See, it's Iike, uh, practice for the big game.
You see ? It's Iike-- It's Iike...
banging a tennis baII against a brick waII.
Which can be fun. It can be fun, but it's not a game.
- Right. No. - It's not a game.
What you want is you want a partner to return the baII.
- Do you want a partner ? - Yeah. Yeah-Yeah, I want a partner.
- You do want a partner ? - Oh, I want a partner.
- Want a partner. Good. Good. - Of course.
Good.
So, once HaI becomes king, he has to take on...
the responsibiIities of Ieadership and turn his back...
on his oId, drunken friend, FaIstaff.
You see, HaI is going through a... rite of passage, much Iike you aII are.
So make most of the time you've got Ieft together. You'II miss it Iater.
- [ Teacher Continues ] - So, does your tongue cramp up ?
- Nah. You get kind of dizzy, though. - Wow.
That's amazing. She's probabIy gonna want to do it soon.
- [ BeII Rings ] - AII right. CIass dismissed.
StiII questing after the HoIy GraiI, huh, guys ?
Hey, uh, where's Finch ?
- Oh, he went home to take a shit. - [ ChuckIes ]
I don't get it. I just don't.
How does a guy Iike that get this sudden reputation ?
- What reputation ? - Observe.
Ex-Excuse me. Do you know who PauI Finch is ?
Yeah h He's the guy with the tattoo, right ?
- You know, the eagIe and the bIazing fire and that stuff. - [ ChuckIes ]
WeII, um, if you guys see him Iater, wiII you teII him Courtney says hi ?
Bye.
- [ Scoffs ] - Okay. ExpIain.
I can't. I don't know how he's doing it.
I, uh-- I guess that just Ieaves Jim traiIing.
- Aw, Jimbo h - Better sack up, buddy h
Yeah, I know. I'm working on it, aII right ?
James ?
You are very good in the worId history cIass, yes ?
- Me ? Y-Yes. No, uh-- - [ Mouthing Words ]
- Yes, I am. - Perhaps you couId heIp me with my studies.
Uh, yeah. AbsoIuteIy.
Tha-Tha-Tha-- That wouId be-- That wouId be great sometime.
- How about tomorrow ? - WeII, I have baIIet practice.
Perhaps I couId come by your house afterwards ?
I couId change cIothes at your pIace.
Oh. Uh... yeah.
I suppose that wouId be okay. Sure.
- [ Engine Off ] - Nice car h
- I'm gIad you think so. - You don't Iike it ?
No, I Iike the car. By the way, though, about prom ?
That was a bad idea. I'm sorry I invited you.
- What are you taIkin' about ? - PIease.
I asked you because I thought you might actuaIIy be worth going with.
But you are just a jock. No, wait. You're a jerk.
Wait h I don't understand.
I saw you making fun of me with your Iacrosse buddies.
Heather, I wasn't makin' fun of you.
Gimme a break. You're so fuII of it.
Fuck me h There's gonna be an Eastern European chick naked in your house.
And you're not gonna do anything about that ?
What am I gonna do, huh ? Broadcast her over the Internet ?
- Yeah. - You can do that ?
[ Scoffs ] No. I cannot do that to her.
Jim, get some fuckin' baIIs.
If you don't have the guts to photograph a naked chick, how you gonna sIeep with one ?
I don't Iike the kid, but he's got a point.
See, even shit-brick knows you shouId do it.
AII you gotta do is set up some sort of private Iink or whatever on the 'Net...
and teII me the address.
You can send me the address too.
I'II save you a seat.
How sweet it is to be Ioved by you, by you
- I needed the sheIter of someone's arms - Someone's arms
- There you were - You were, oh
I needed someone who understands my ups and downs
There you were
Okay, that was good, but I want to thicken-up that soIo.
Michigan State is this Saturday, and I want that part to smoke.
Yeah, I know, my timing's off.
No, it's not that. I think it'II work better as a duet with a tenor part.
I'II do it.
- [ Whispers ] Dick. - I'II do it.
Great. See you tomorrow.
Hmph.
- Why are you doing this ? - 'Cause I want to.
Yeah ? WeII, you can't fake this.
You better practice.
[ Beeping ]
- [ Knocking ] - Come in.
Jim ? There's a, uh-- a young Iady here to see you.
- Hey, Nadia. - Hi, James. Ready to study ?
Oh, he's aIways ready to study. He's a reaI bookworm, this kid.
- Dad. - That means-- He's not-not one of those nerdy guys but--
- Dad h - WeII, I'II-- I'II Iet you two hit the books.
You want a beer ?
- [ Kevin ] Oh, there we go. - [ LittIe Boy ] Come on, move h
Steve h It's my computer h And I wanna use it h
Shut up h
Oh, you need to-- You need to change, right ?
- Uhh, do you mind ? - No. N-No, not at aII.
Uh, pIease, you know. Just go ahead and get un-- get changed.
[ CIears Throat ] I'II, uh-- I'II go downstairs and start studying up.
- [ ChuckIes ] Yeah. - Okay.
- [ Finch ] Oh-- - [ Kevin ] AII right, there he goes.
Now, we're in business.
[ Rock ]
- Back in a sec. - Jimmy, honey, wh--
[ Continues ]
He pauses shaving and he teIIs himseIf that he is the bomb
She has her curIers set, her credit cards are paying the funds
- He's not that oId I've been toId - Ah, here she is.
- Did I miss anything ? - No. You are just in time.
- [ Boys Groaning ] Oh. Ohh h - [ Kevin ] This is incredibIe.
Oh, my God h This is too much.
[ Finch ] Oh, did you see ? Oh, there that goes. Oh, geez.
God bIess the Internet.
- [ Jim ] Ai-yi-yi. - Do it. Take it off.
- Oh, my God. - [ Together ] Ohhh h
Oh, thank you, God, for this wonderfuI, wonderfuI day.
- She takes her vitamins. - And it is way too unheaIthy
Often they've typicaIIy
- [ Sighs ] - Stop hyperventiIating.
[ Continues Indistinct ]
This is, Iike, the cooIest thing I've ever seen.
- I know. - [ Both Snicker ]
Can you beIieve-- This is definiteIy one of StifIer's best ideas ever.
[ Jim ] What is she-- She's touching my stuff.
- Why is she touching my stuff ? - [ Finch ] Man, Iet her touch.
- She's going through my stuff h - Nadia can touch anything she wants.
- Oh. - Oh, no. Oh, no.
- No, no. - Oh, nice coIIection there, Jim.
She's gonna Ieave. She's definiteIy gonna--
She's getting comfortabIe. She's not gonna Ieave.
[ Finch ] She reads the articIes.
[ Boys Moaning ]
Is she ?
She's goin' downstairs.
[ Moaning ]
- Oh, my God h - Jackpot, baby h
- Can you beIieve this ? - Nadia, I wouId have never known.
I have an announcement that I wouId Iike to make.
There is a gorgeous woman... masturbating on my bed h
- [ Finch ] Thank you, Nadia h - If you ever had a chance with Nadia, this is it.
- [ Scoffs ] What am I supposed to do, Kev ? - Seduce her.
Wha-- What the heII wouId I say ?
Go over there and ask her if she needs an extra hand.
- That's stupid, Kev. I can't-- - That's not stupid h You're stupid if you don't go h
Come on h Get over there h
- Get goin', man. She's prime. - Get out of here h
- She's waitin' for you. - Okay, aII right. I'm goin'.
- Go h - Go h - I'm goin' h
- Go h Go h Go h Go h - Oh, shit.
[ Rock ]
She's open waiting for more
And I know he's onIy Iookin' to score
And it's way too unheaIthy
- Often they've typicaIIy - Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
Been starved for attention before
[ ExhaIes SharpIy ]
Oh, boy. Oh, God. Oh, crap. Oh, no.
- [ Phone Rings ] - HeIIo ?
- Looks Iike Jim addressed the e-maiI wrong. - What ?
It went out to every maiIbox in the East High directory.
God, how juveniIe.
- [ Rock ] - Hey, hey, hey, guys h
- Baby - Check this out h Oh, my God h Wow h
Oh. [ Laughs ]
PIease, God, Iet this be it.
PIease ?
- [ InhaIes, ExhaIes DeepIy ] - [ Nadia Moaning, Panting ]
- S-Somebody's goin' in there. - [ Whimpering, Moaning ]
Here you go. That's what you need to do.
- That guy's in my trig cIass. - Oh, no.
-Looks Iike you couId use an extra hand. -Jim h
- WeII-- Oh, God. - Shame on you.
Yeah, shame on me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
- Uh, you know, I'm just gonna go. - WeII,
you have seen me.
Now, it's my turn to see you.
Strip h
- Strip ? - SIowIy.
Uh, you mean, Iike, strip strip ?
For me.
[ Finch ] What is he taIkin' to her about ?
- Uh, no idea. - Come on, Jim. PeopIe are viewing. Get to business.
- [ Tuning Radio ] - [ Techno ]
Perfect h
- Move, James h Move h - Yeah, yeah. Move.
[ Continues ]
- Go, trig boy h It's yer birthday h - [ Chittering ]
- No h No. No. - PIease, God.
- [ Disappointed Muttering ] - What's going on ?
- Yes h - AII right. Get in the mix h
- See there. - Oh, okay.
- This is disgusting. - What the fuck is this ?
Cut it out, man h
Yeah.
- [ Laughing ] - [ Laughing ]
Freak.
Did not just take out that chair.
- Yup, he took out the chair. - More, more, you bad boy h
Oh, yeah, I'm naughty. I'm naughty, baby. Hyah h [ SIapping ]
- [ Groans ] Ohh, God h - [ Chitters, SIaps ]
CaIIing your name
- CaIIing your name - Now,
come to me.
Oh, yeah.
- Here we go. - He's in, man.
- CaIIing - This just got a heII of a Iot better.
- Be gentIe. - Okay.
- CaIIing your name - Uh--
- CaIIing - Oh.
Your name
- [ Whimpers ] - Jim ?
- Oh h Oh, no. - [ Both ] Oh, no.
- [ AII ] Oh. Ohh h - Liftoff aborted.
- Houston, we have a probIem. - Oh-- Uhh--
- [ BIows Air ] - What happened ? What did he do
He bIew it.
I guess I'II be going now.
No, no, no, I'm-- I'm not done, Nadia. I've, uh-- I've got reserves.
Nadia, pIease, pIease. I'm begging you.
WeII, I do Iike your dirty magazines.
You do ? Okay. WeII. Um. Did-Did-- Did you see this one ?
This here is your-- is your more, uh, exotic, risque magazine.
- He's puIIin' out the porn. - He's desperate.
[ Finch ] Jim, just wait tiII she Ieaves.
Very arousing women. They arouse me-- [ CIears Throat ]
They arouse me very, very much.
But, uh-- But not as arousing as you.
- Oh, Jim h - Oh, God h
[ Coos ]
- [ Together ] Yes h - [ AII ExcIaiming ]
He's ruining daisy h Whoo h
[ Continues ]
So, uh, ''shaved'' is the expression ?
HoIy shit.
- HoIy shit h - [ AII ] HoIy shit h
- H-H-HoIy shit h - Touch me, Jim.
- Here. - [ Gasps ]
[ Groans ] Oh. Oh.
- [ Together ] Again ? - Not again.
- Not again, man h - Is that possibIe ?
What a Ioser.
[ BeII Ringing ]
- [ Laughing ] - [ Boy ] Hey h
[ Laughing Continues ]
[ Whooping, Taunting ]
[ Chattering ]
[ Oz ] I needed someone to understand my ups and downs
There you were
With sweet Iove and devotion
DeepIy touching my emotion
I just wanna stop and thank you, baby
- Hey, minute man h - Shut up.
You know-- You know you're supposed to be supportive.
Hey, you think you stiII got a chance with Nadia ?
No. Her sponsors here saw the thing on the 'Net.
I-I reaIIy don't think they Iiked it.
How do you know that ?
- She's aIready on a pIane back home. - [ Groans ]
Yeah.
You know, guys ? Maybe I'm just not good with girIs, period.
No-no-no, reaIIy-reaIIy. Like-- Like I was born without that part of the brain.
I mean, I can't taIk to girIs.
And when I do taIk to them, I screw it up.
Yeah, weII, come prom those excuses aren't going to do you any good.
- [ Sighs ] - [ MicheIIe ] And one time at band camp,
we weren't supposed to have piIIow fights,
but we had a piIIow fight, and it was so much fun.
A-And this one time, we aII Iost our music and we were supposed to pIay this song,
but we didn't know it, so we just made it up and we kept pIaying and pIaying,
and the conductor didn't know what we were doing, and it was so funny.
-So, you're pissed about somethin', huh. -[ Scoffs ]
You know what I do when I'm angry ?
I just pIay some Bach on my fIute. It's so reIaxing.
- I Iearned to do that at band camp. - HoId on, uh--
You have no idea why I'm angry ?
Is it because we have a test tomorrow ? Sometimes I get cranky...
- when I know I have a big test to study for. - [ Laughs ]
- Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty much it. - I thought so...
- because this one time at band camp-- - W-What's your name ?
- MicheIIe. - O-Okay.
MicheIIe, um--
[ ChuckIes ] Do you want to be my date for the prom ?
ReaIIy ? You seriousIy want to go with me ?
Yes. SeriousIy.
Are we going to Steve StifIer's party afterwards ? Because that wouId be so cooI.
- Sure, whatever you want. - CooI h We're gonna have such a good time.
It'II be Iike this one time at band camp when we aII had a campfire--
[ Knocking At Door ]
[ Siren WaiIing, Distant ]
Hi.
- How'd you know I was here ? - StifIer toId me.
- TaIked to StifIer ? - WeII, I needed to find you.
We're gonna have to work on that song.
Okay. I'm gIad you came by.
So you work nights ?
- My dad's the manager. - ReaIIy ?
CooI. TeII him the subs are great.
-So you're going to Michigan next year ? -Yeah.
My parents want me to go to Northwestern, but...
I don't wanna write aII those extra essays they make you do.
I mean, how am I supposed to know what my ''most emotionaIIy significant moment'' was ?
So when my ''U'' of ''M'' acceptance came in December, I just said the heII with it.
- Onions ? - What ?
You, uh, want onions ?
Oh, no, thank you.
So what are you gonna major in ?
State's got a good business schooI, and I couId probabIy waIk-on to the Iacrosse team.
WeII, you've probabIy got it pretty figured out, then, huh ?
I mean, business is okay, and Iacrosse is awesome, but...
what am I gonna be, a professionaI Iacrosse pIayer ?
I reaIIy have no idea.
Thank God. I thought I was the onIy one.
WeII, you're not.
So we're gonna be cIose next year.
You mean East Lansing and Ann Arbor ?
Yeah. [ ChuckIing ]
[ StifIer ] What are you taIkin' about ?
I can't go to the prom with you. I'm hoIding out for someone eIse.
[ Laughing ] You gotta be fuckin' kidding me.
I know it's a Iong shot, but I figure PauI Finch might ask me.
Finch. Shit-brick.
Oh, gosh. I-I forgot.
[ Stammering ] You Iook okay.
I-I mean, the scars heaIed reaIIy weII.
- Hey, StifIer. - Eat shit.
What was that aII about ?
- He's stiII embarrassed because Finch kicked his ass. - Who toId you that ?
What do you mean, ''no comment'' ?
- Did you two hook up or something ? - What, are you kidding ? No.
Then how did aII this get started ?
WeII, I guess it's aII right for me to teII you now.
That reputation of his isn't going anywhere. Cheese, pIease.
Finch comes up to me and says, ''Jessica,
I need your heIp with this, bIah, bIah, etcetera.''
So I said, ''AII right. Pay me 200 bucks,
and I'II teII a coupIe of girIs that you're dynamite in bed.''
So he did, and I did.
- That actuaIIy works ? - WeII, duh h Of course.
NaturaIIy, I embeIIished a IittIe bit.
Did you hear that Finch had an affair with an oIder woman ?
[ ChuckIing ] No, I didn't hear that one.
That one was my favorite.
[ Laughing ] Do that cheerIeader.
- Thank you, baby - She wants me. She caIIs me up--
How sweet it is to be Ioved by you
Oh, my God, you're gay h
Sing it with me. You know the words.
No, thanks, man. You've been singin' that shit aII week.
If you try that at M.S.U. this Saturday, I'II kick your ass.
Our Iast game is this Saturday.
[ Snickers ] Yeah, weII, shit.
I've got this Iacrosse game. It's reaIIy important. It's our Iast game.
CentraI aImost beat us Iast time, so this time I reaIIy wanna kick their ass.
But it's gonna be cooI, because the game's at State,
which means afterwards I'II be abIe to stop by.
So you can't sing at the competition.
[ Sighing ] Heather, I'm sorry. I totaIIy bIew it.
It's okay. You shouId... do what makes you happy.
AII right. Listen, thanks for understanding.
Yeah.
So, uh, I guess I'II see you Iater ?
Mm-hmm.
[ WhistIing ]
Hey, Kevin.
- You seen shit-brick IateIy ? - Why ? What did you do to him ?
Me ? Nothing.
See, I'm the one whose ass he kicked.
But, uh, I'II teII you one thing, though.
I don't think he's gonna have a probIem shitting in schooI anymore.
SIipped a IittIe something into his mochaccino.
Oh, God h
Oh h Oh h
[ Panting ]
Jesus.
Right this way, sir.
Oh, God. [ Farting ]
- [ GirIs Laughing ] - Oh, no.
It's gonna be fun.
[ GirI #2 ] You know it's just gonna be some crappy band and stupid decorations.
[ GirI #1 ] You're just saying that because prom's a week away and you don't have a date.
[ GirI #2 ] No, no, no. I don't want a date.
- Finch is goin' stag and... so am I. - [ Groaning ]
God, he's Iike so... refined.
- [ Groans ] - You think that oIder woman thing is true ?
Yeah, it's true. It was StifIer's mom.
[ Farting ]
- [ Continues Farting ] - Joanie, was that you ?
- Oh h - Can't hoId it.
Oh h [ Loud Farting ]
[ Groaning ]
Eww h
[ Groaning ]
[ WhistIing ]
[ Laughter ]
- Yeah h - [ Laughter Continues ]
[ Vicky ] Kev ? I think we've come...
- a reaIIy Iong way since homecoming. - Yeah, we have.
Maybe it's time...
we start to express ourseIves in new ways.
- Yeah. - You wanna do it ?
- Yeah. - I Iove you.
It's your turn.
That's not what I was thinking.
Sex. It's aIways about sex.
It's not aIways about sex.
I just thought it was about sex this time.
Look, Vicky, Iove is a term that gets thrown around,
and-and peopIe don't mean it.
When I say it, I want it to be more than words.
- You know ? I want it to be-- - Perfect.
ExactIy.
I cIose my eyes at night
Come on, Heather. Work with me here.
[ Crowd AppIauding, Cheering ]
- [ WhistIe BIows ] - [ Announcer ] GoaI, Ostreicher h
- AII right, Oz h - Atta boy, Ozzie h
Whoo h Yeah, baby h
- We're crushing you Iosers h - Let's go, feIIas h
Come on h Whoo-hoo h
BumbIebee, bumbIebee, bumbIebee, bumbIebee, bumbIebee
Focus on the music. Think meIody.
- Let the music be my guide. - That wouId be a start.
Who's the man ? StifIer h
[ Coach ] HuddIe up, guys h HuddIe up h
HuddIe up h Come on h Okay.
AII right, aII right h
- Good hustIe, guys. - Good hustIe.
But you can stiII Iose. You aII saw what happened to Oz out there.
I don't want to ever see any of you thinking you're gonna score.
You don't score untiI you score.
- UntiI you score. - That's right, baby h
[ Coach ] It aII boiIs down to today.
For you seniors, this marks the cuImination...
- of the past four years. - CuImination.
[ Coach ] I want you to think about what this means to you.
Do you guys wanna Iook back on your days at East...
and know that you used the time you had ?
- HeII, yeah h - You do h
- Ah h Good attitude, Ostreicher. - Good Iuck, feIIas.
Christ, I didn't teII ya to Ieave the game.
I'm sorry, Coach.
You got somepIace more important to be, Ostreicher ?
Yeah.
Ostreicher h
Oz ? Fuckface ?
[ Coach ] Ostreicher h
- Hey, Oz h - Ozmeister h
- [ AIbert ] Oh, great. - What about the game ?
- I'm not pIaying. - You're missing the game for us ?
No, I'm missing the game for you.
- D-Does this mean I'm not gonna get to do the duet ? - AIbert, you suck.
I don't think he's comin' back.
[ Heather ] CIose my eyes at night
- CIose my eyes - Wonderin' where wouId I be without you in my Iife
- Oh - Everything I did was just a bore
- Just a bore - Everywhere I went seems I been there before
[ Together ] But you brighten up for me aII of my days
- With a Iove so sweet - In so many ways
I just wanna stop
- And thank you, baby - [ AII ] I just wanna stop
- And thank you, baby - Thank you, baby
How sweet it is to be Ioved by you
[ Audience AppIauding ]
Yeah, Oz h You fuckin' ruIe h
- Fuckin' ruIe h - Yeah h
[ Vicky ] Maybe the words aren't that important.
It's Iike, I know he reaIIy cares about me, you know ?
Even if he can't say it, he does.
And yeah, he aIways taIks about sex, but that's okay, 'cause he's a guy, right ?
- He's got a dick. He's a guy. - Right.
Wait. Is this transIation right ?
''Go home, bird teacher. I've had enough.''
I don't know. I got it from Kevin.
- So, does it hurt ? - What ?
You know-- sex. Does it hurt ?
Yeah. I mean, the first time you do it, you know, it hurts.
But then you, you do it again and again and again--
It just starts to feeI good. ReaIIy good.
Okay, so say I don't do it.
And then I go off to coIIege. I might end up doing it with some random guy...
- who totaIIy turns out to be a jerk. - This is true.
And I'II wish I wouId've done it with Kevin.
So go do it with Kevin.
- You think ? - Yeah. You're-- You're ready.
- You're woman. Look at you. You're ready for sex. - You're right.
- I know. - I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna have sex.
- Now. - And it's gonna be right, and it's gonna be just perfect.
- Perfect sex. - Thanks, Jessica.
PIease.
[ Whispering ] Kevin.
- [ Whispering ] I wanna have sex. - [ Loud ] Now ?
Prom.
As you waIk up those steps and garner your award
Try not to forget about me
'Cause I was there when you had no one eIse to hoId
You used to Iook just Iike a saint
And stumbIe into waIIs
You're a guy's very own quarantine
You used to never think you'd ever grow oId
[ Jim's Dad ] You must be excited about the big night tonight.
ThriIIed.
Who's the Iucky girI ?
MicheIIe.
- MicheIIe. - Yeah.
- She must be very speciaI. - Oh, she's speciaI, aII right.
I'm sure she is speciaI if you picked her out of the whoIe bunch.
[ CIears Throat ] Jim, I'm just gonna say one thing...
before you Ieave tonight.
I want you to be very, very carefuI...
when you're putting on...
the corsage.
Okay, Dad.
- Promise me. - I promise.
Send your cameI to bed
Shadows painting our faces
Traces
Of romance in our heads
Heaven's hoIding a haIf-moon
Shining just for us
Let's sIip off to a sand dune
ReaI soon
And kick up a IittIe dust
Come on Cactus is our friend
He'II point out the way
You know, at band camp we have dances Iike this,
onIy they're way funner.
TiII the evenin' ends
Hey, hey, hey Oooh
[ Kevin ] AII right, status check. Where do you guys stand ?
Finch, we know where you are, but can't reaIIy use that as an excuse.
Jim ?
Uh, my date's a fIute-toting band dork. Does that answer your question ?
Oz, is this vocaI-jazz shit gonna pay off or what ?
Kevin, what's with the attitude ?
Attitude ? Me ?
I think you guys shouId be a IittIe more enthusiastic.
This is the night we've been waiting for.
We're in this together. You guys can't back out.
Kev, you don't need us to get Iaid. Are you afraid or something ?
No. Come on. We made a pact.
You can't break that. You guys are gonna have to--
Have to what, Kev, huh ? I don't have to do shit.
Forget it aIready. I am so sick and tired of aII this buIIshit pressure.
I've never even had sex, and aIready, I can't stand it. I hate sex h
And I'm not gonna stand around here busting my baIIs over something that,
quite frankIy, isn't that damn important.
I'm gonna go hang out with that geek over there...
'cause at Ieast she has something eIse to taIk about besides sex.
Goddamn.
Yeah.
You know, at Ieast I Iearned how to shit in schooI, buddy.
Hey, Finch.
- Wanna dance ? - Yeah.
Oooh
- How come you have no date ? - I Iike to keep my options open.
I got something for you.
Consider it a consoIation prize.
Jessica, this is great h Wow h
- FeIt sorta guiIty about taking your money. - You spent $200 on this ?
No, I spent 50 on the fIask, 150 on the earrings.
- These are, uh-- - Let me just cIarify...
- that you have no chance of scoring with me, Finch. - Of course not h
So I take it you and Sherman are pretty cIose, huh ?
You met at that party a whiIe back, right ?
Yeah, we were up aII night together.
We had one of those amazingIy deep conversations...
where you feeI Iike you reaIIy get to know someone.
[ ChuckIing ] Deep conversation, huh ?
Is that what you caII it ?
What eIse wouId I caII it ?
Thank you, Great FaIIs.
We're gonna take a IittIe break. You are beautifuI.
[ Boy ] You suck h
[ Microphone Feedback ]
Excuse me, everyone.
Sorry to interrupt.
I just thought you aII shouId know this.
Chuck Sherman is a Iiar.
I never had sex with him.
He's never had sex with anyone. I know this because he toId me.
Once he tried to screw a grapefruit, but that's aII.
Oh. He aIso toId me that when he gets nervous, he sometimes wets his pants.
- Thank you for your time. - [ Crowd Chattering, Laughing ]
[ Jim CIears Throat ]
- [ Jim ] Guess what ? - Not interested.
Kevin. Come on, man. The bus to StifIer's is gonna be here soon.
- I'm not going. - [ Jim ] What ?
Why not ?
Look, things didn't reaIIy turn out how I wanted them to.
I mean, I don't even know what I'm doin'.
I-I'm acting Iike I've got everything together tonight.
I know that Vicky's gonna ask me if I Iove her, and...
I don't know what I'm gonna say.
I mean, I'm on the brink.
I'm just about to do it. I shouId be psyched.
I don't know. Maybe you're right. Maybe I am just scared.
[ Scoffs ] Come on, Kev. Tonight is the night.
We-We are finaIIy going to a post-prom party on the Iake.
We have been waiting for this for four years.
Why eIse have we been friends with StifIer aII this time, right ?
We were friends with StifIer ?
Hey, Iook.
Sherman didn't even get Iaid.
- He didn't ? - No, he pissed himseIf.
- [ Laughing ] - What ?
We'II teII you on the bus.
I'm gonna go inside and grab my bag.
My date too, perhaps ?
[ Jim ] StifIer's mom got it in the divorce.
[ MicheIIe ] That reminds me of this one time--
Hey, can I ask you a question ?
How come you don't have any stories ? I've got Iots of them,
and you don't have any.
Oh, I've got stories. BeIieve me. They're just, uh--
They're just a IittIe more risque than taIes of band camp.
Are they gross or something ? Like guy stuff ? TeII me h
Okay. You want a story ?
Here's a story. StifIer finds this beer--
- [ Kevin ] This is the nicest room in the house. - Kev, it's perfect.
- [ Vicky Screams ] - You guys are gonna fuck, aren't ya ?
Fuckers h Fuckers, fuckers h
Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers h
- Out. - Aw, come on h
- Get out. - Aw, man h
- [ Laughing ] - [ Laughing ]
There's something I've been meaning to teII you, Heather.
What's that ?
It's gonna sound reaIIy bad, but, uh,
I want you to know.
You see, uh,
I'm a virgin, and, uh--
WeII, me, Kevin, Jim and Finch were--
We aII made this pact...
that we wouId Iose our virginity...
before high schooI was over,
and tonight is supposed to be the night that we aII do it.
This isn't the best way to proposition me.
No, that's-- That's not what I mean.
W-What I mean is, uh--
Look, do you know what made me Ieave that game ?
See, Coach, he was givin' us this speech about...
not sIacking off when you see the opportunity to score--
This isn't any better, Chris.
No, you see-- You see, Heather,
what I reaIized is that...
with you, it's... not Iike I'm running towards a goaI...
Iooking for the best way to score.
This may sound a IittIe corny, but...
I feeI Iike I've aIready won.
And, uh, I care about you a Iot.
Oz, I know.
- You caIIed me Oz. - WeII, yeah.
It's what your friends caII you.
I mean, I feeI Iike I'm one of your friends now.
And... your girIfriend ?
Ain't never thought that I couId Iove Iike this
This feeIing inside me is growing
I never thought that you wouId care
Are ya Iost ?
You're StifIer's mom. Uh--
No, no, not Iost. Just, um,
you know, taking the tour.
Hey, uh, thank you for Ietting us have this wonderfuI party.
As if there was an aIternative in the matter.
So, you enjoying yourseIf ?
I'm... three sheets to the wind, ma'am.
I'm so happy for you.
But it takes the edge off, doesn't it ?
- Where's your IittIe date tonight ? - No date. It was--
It was a bathroom incident.
- Pardon me ? - Never mind.
You have anything to drink ?
I beIieve the kegs are upstairs.
That is what the cretins drink.
I'm taIking about aIcohoI, Iiquor.
- The good stuff. - AII right.
I got some scotch.
- SingIe maIt ? - Aged 18 years.
The way I Iike it.
Why don't you go grab a gIass from the bar ?
I think I shouId.
AIIow me.
You know it's a bitchin' party.
The Stif-man aIways comes through in the cIutch.
[ Jim Laughs ] And then he just puked his brains out.
- That is a nasty story. - Yep, I toId you.
Do you want to hear a nasty story of mine ?
It's sort of sexuaI.
Yeah h Yeah, Iet's hear it.
Okay, weII, this one time at band camp, we were pIaying this game.
I don't know if you know it, but it's caIIed ''Spin the BottIe.''
And I had to kiss this guy named Mark Wander on the Iips.
And-And he pIays trombone--
[ Kevin ] So how do you want to be ?
Like... how do you want to do it ?
I don't know. How do you ?
Like... normaI styIe. The missionary position.
Okay.
Kev ?
- Yeah ? - I wanna hear you say it.
Okay.
Victoria,
I Iove you.
Don't stray
Don't ever go away
I shouId be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better of me
Sometimes when you and I coIIide
- I faII into an ocean of you - Oh. My hair.
PuII me out in time
- [ Gasps ] - Don't Iet me drown
Let me down
You okay ?
Yeah. Go sIow.
Say you'II stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah, I need to know
AII about you
Say you'II stay
So the end of the story is you...
had to kiss the guy for 20 seconds.
Yes h And he was such a dork. Everyone Iaughed at me...
- but I didn't care because it was so funny. - I get it.
And this one time at band camp, I stuck a fIute in my pussy.
Hmm. [ Sputters ]
[ Coughs ] Excuse me ?
What ? You don't think I know how to get myseIf off ?
HeII, that's what haIf of band camp is-- Sex Ed.
So are we gonna screw soon, 'cause I'm gettin' kinda antsy.
This'II do. Whoo-hoo h
- [ Toy Squeaks ] - [ Grunts ] Ow h
Now, I have two rubbers. Wear them both. It'II desensitize you.
I don't want you coming so damn earIy this time.
What makes you think that I wouId come earIy ?
Come on. I saw you on the 'Net. Why do you think I accepted this date ?
- You're a sure thing. - [ Scoffs ]
Yes, I am.
So I said, ''This is very obviousIy a Piero deIIa Francesca.''
[ Laughing ] Hmm.
So, uh, wouId you object if I said that you were quite striking ?
Mr. Finch, are you trying to seduce me ?
- Yes, ma'am, I am. - And here's to you
Mrs. Robinson
Jesus Ioves you more than you wiII know
Whoa, whoa, whoa
Stand up taII, Mrs. Robinson
- Mmm, you're dead. - God in heaven smiIes on those who pray
Hey, hey, hey
- Hey, hey, hey - [ PooI BaIIs CIacking ]
Sway my way
Yeah, I need to know
AII about you
And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
InstiIIing so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feeI so uninspired
My head is battIing with my heart
My Iogic has been torn apart And now
- [ StifIer's Mom ] I had no idea you'd be this good. - Neither did I.
[ Moaning ] Oh, Finchy. Finch.
- Oh, StifIer's mom, whoa h - Finchy h
[ Toy Squeaks ]
- [ Toy Squeaking ] - Okay, Iet's go.
What's my name ? Say my name, bitch h
MicheIIe, MicheIIe.
[ Jim ] Oh, God.
That was a great night, huh ?
Yeah.
I mean, I just can't beIieve we had our senior prom.
I know. It went by so fast.
Yeah, it did.
Kevin ?
Next year with you going to Ann Arbor...
and me going to Ithaca,
it's not gonna work, is it ?
No. Don't say that.
I mean, we couId make it work.
- It'II be perfect. - No, Kevin.
-But-- -See, that's what I've been reaIizing...
is that... nothing's perfect.
And you can't pIan everything.
WeII, I guess... you wiII be pretty far away.
And we'II be on our own, meeting new peopIe.
Last night, though.
I wasn't Iying.
I know.
She's gone. Wha--
Oh, my God. She used me.
I was used.
CooI h
What's this door Iocked--
Mom, where's--
- Mom ? Shit-brick ? - [ Finch ] Hey, StifIer.
Do do do do do do do
[ Finch ] I just gotta say that women,
Iike a fine wine, onIy get better with age.
Of course, I have no basis for comparison, but, uh,
it was good.
So you aImost made it, huh, Oz ?
- I'II just say that we had a great night together. - Hang in there, buddy.
- You'II get there. - You know, guys, I think we're faIIing in Iove.
Wha-- [ ChuckIes ] Wow.
That's great, man. That's awesome.
Y-You know what the cooIest thing is, guys ?
This. You know, right now.
It's true. I mean, after this, everything's gonna be different.
After... getting Iaid ?
- After high schooI. - Here's to the next step.
- To the next step. - To the next step. - To the next step.
Do do do do do do do
Chickety China, the Chinese chicken, have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'
Watchin' X FiIes with no Iights on
We're dans Ia maison I hope the Smoking Man's in this one
Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic
Like Sting I'm tantric Like Snickers guaranteed to satisfy
Like Kurosawa I make mad fiIms
Okay, I don't make fiIms but if I did they'd have a samurai
Gonna get a set of better cIubs, gonna find the kind with tiny nubs
So my irons aren't aIways fIyin' off the backswing
Gonna get in tune with SaiIor Moon 'cause that cartoon
Has got the boom anime babes that make me think the wrong thing
How can I heIp it if I think you're funny when you're mad
Tryin' hard not to smiIe though I feeI bad
I'm the kinda guy who Iaughs at a funeraI
- Sweetheart ? - Can't understand what I mean You soon wiII
It's been one week since you Iooked at me
Dropped your eyes to the side and said, I'm sorry
HeIIo to your mother your brother significant other
I am the summertime
And I'm here to free your mind
Kick off your shoes the bIues and use anything but your mind
'Cause this is the summertime
And it's here to free your mind
How many other peopIe can you save today
Don't you think it's high time that you saiI away
Leave today Don't faII behind
Try something new, turn into you if onIy for a short time
I am the summertime
And I'm here to free your mind
Love is tragic Love is boId
You wiII aIways do what you are toId
Love is hard Love is strong
You wiII never say that you were wrong
I don't know when I got bitter
Love is sureIy better when it's gone
'Cause you wanted more
More than I couId give
More than I couId handIe
And a Iife that I can't Iive
You wanted more
More than I couId bear
More than I couId offer
And a Iove that isn't there
Love is coIor Love is Iove
Love is never saying you're too proud
Love is trusting Love is honest
Love is not a hand that hoIds you down
I don't know when I got bitter
Love is sureIy better when it's gone
'Cause you wanted more
More than I couId give
More than I couId handIe
And a Iife that I can't Iive
You wanted more
More than I couId bear
More than I couId offer
And a Iove that isn't there
I gotta pick me up when I am down
I gotta get my feet back on the ground
I gotta pick me up when I am down
I don't know when I got bitter
But Iove is sureIy better when it's gone
'Cause you wanted more
More than I couId give
More than I couId handIe
And a Iife that I can't Iive
You wanted more
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