THOMAS LANG: l Fell ln Love With The Moon
Soon
You'll see
She'll send me
That heavenly frown
And while
The world is sleeping
She'll come creeping
From out of her cloud
Something tells me stars may fall from the sky tonight
Cos l fell in love with the moon
(Trumpet instrumental)
Moon!
With the moon!
LEON: I need to speak to Gordon. Leon Geller.
Gordon, Gordon, thank God. There's another problem.
Hang on. Hang on. There's a terrible pinging noise on the line.
LEON: That's better. It's gone now. - Not again. What is it this time?
l got the measurements on the lawn wrong.
Yes, yes. lt's still 80 feet long. lt's the width.
- 371/2. - lt's not worth worrying about. Forget it.
Gordon, that's almost one foot shorter than l thought.
l said, forget it.
Sorry.
That's a foot, Gordon. A foot. You'll just have to tell your client.
Shit!
l know. l know. lt's very annoying.
- lt's perfect for you. Just on the market. - Just on the market.
Original features. Very you.
l'm not exactly happy myself. When will you get back to me?
OK. OK. Well, stay calm. Everything will be all right.
- Have you just done what l think you've done? - What? l made a mistake, that's all.
lf you lose this one after all this time, people will talk.
- You know, you can be too honest. - Too honest?
When was the last time you sold a house, or a flat, even?
What's a white lie here or there?
(Leon sighs)
LEON: For God's sake! - What is it?
He's got me prawn salad. l could have eaten that.
Jesus, l'll have it.
Leon, for you.
Bad line. Sounds like someone playing ping-pong.
You're disgusting.
Gordon, can we talk later?
Why did they ban shellfish?
What were the chances of Jews finding a shoal of lobster in the desert?
Hang on. What do you mean, "you've already exchanged"?
You what? lt's sold? To who?
l mean, when?
Sold? l've... l've been working on this for seven months.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure. Listen, l'll speak to you soon.
Gordon stabbed you in the back?
After seven months.
lt's a cut-throat business.
(Man clears throat) Gentlemen, I'd like you all to pay careful attention
to what our good friend Mr Vitelli here has to say.
So, gentlemen,
what l propose is this.
Here you see the house of Charles Dickens.
A great man.
One of the best writers ever.
VITELLI: The house is currently a listed building.
lt is in a prime position.
Prime, particularly, because it lies between Vitelli's Pasta House here
and Vitelli's lce-Cream Parlour here.
So, l propose, gentlemen, to buy, with your help, the house once owned by Mr Dickens.
Leisure is the industry of the future.
- So... LEON: Bastard.
This is what l like to call Vitelli's Leisure Complex.
Taking up the entire area, including the house where Mr Dickens lived,
you have a four-acre site
dedicated to leisure activities.
Sauna, swimming pool, Jacuzzi,
backgammon area, aromatherapy suite...
(Clears throat) Er, er... Excuse me, Mr Vitelli,
but the Dickens house is, as you point out, a listed building.
So?
Well, there's no way we'd be able to buy it.
Now, where was l?
Hm. Yeah. Aromatherapy suite.
VITELLI: Go-karting area, dolphinarium. We have an indoor water-ski...
(Glasses clink)
ALL: Surprise! Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, darling.
- Any news on that exchange? We're all waiting. - I love that house.
My wife and l were going to buy it once.
- Weren't we, Hilda? - No, Charles, it was the one next door.
Was it? l forget so much these days.
l love that house. My wife and l were going to buy it once.
- Weren't we, Hilda? WOMAN: Not married yet?
- Not yet. - Why not? Useless.
Harvey? Harvey!
- Where's Valerie? - Talking to Diana about breast-feeding.
- How long till the baby's born? - 26 weeks, all being well.
We're so excited about having another grandchild.
- Aren't we, Sidney? - We certainly are.
- We're both very proud of you. - Thanks, Dad.
l hear both your brothers are doing very well.
- One in the city... - Harvey.
And the other one is Nat, the net-curtain king.
- He's also married. WOMAN: Never mind married.
He's got children.
Where is she?
Where's my sleeping beauty?
Say hello to Grandpa.
Hello, Grandpa.
Let him have his fun.
When l was your age l had lots and lots of fun.
- Not with me, you didn't. - Charles! You don't remember anything.
Fun l would remember.
Leon, say something for the camera.
Come on. Say something.
- Look, Dad, can we talk? - Sure.
That's what I'm asking for - talk.
ln private.
What's with the secrecy? Talk as much as you like.
Feel free. Anything.
- But Nat and Harvey... - You what?!
What's up? Calm down, Sidney.
Go on. You tell her.
LEON: I er... - Speak up.
Well, you know about the erm...St John's Wood...
MAN: Can't hear you!
Look...
- Basically, the St John's Wood house... - We can't see you.
The St John's Wood house, which I was, supposedly, exclusively representing,
was sold today...
(Cheering)
..by...by another estate agent.
(Groaning)
l was asked to negotiate a deal that would have ruined one of this country's oldest buildings.
I could not believe that the firm of Gutterman and Plontikoff were acting in good faith.
l realised that the very...
the very concept of being an estate agent is dishonest
and l felt l had no alternative except to resign.
So l did.
Erm...
l'm sorry if l ruined your evening.
Sorry. Sorry, Mum.
Big deal. So you'll work for your father.
l've got a job. You'll work for me.
Anyone who is hard-working, l can find space for.
Have you ever considered butchery?
He'll work for me. l could do with another pair of hands.
(Footsteps)
- Hi. - Boy, have l had a day.
What is it?
Well, for starters, l'm going to work for my mother's catering business.
What?
lt was a choice between that or working with Nat, the net-curtain king.
Gutterman and Plontikoff.
Bastards. Bloody estate agents. Lying sods.
Elliot can keep it.
Did l tell you? Last week, he wrote out details for a three-bedroom flat
and the third bedroom is tiny,
but it's got a radiator, so he puts down "luxury two-bedroom flat with sauna".
What are people? Stupid? Does he think they won't see?
So, then, tonight, l mean, of all times,
l had to go and resign on the night of my mother's surprise birthday party.
Tonight, they're all asking me questions, offering me advice.
Listen, why don't we go to a late film?
Leon, l've told you.
I like my men to be adventurous, to have done things,
climbed mountains, flown in hot-air balloons.
l want to go out with...
boxers
and murder detectives
and...tree surgeons!
- Not estate agents... - Ex. Ex-estate agent.
- ..net-curtain salesmen... - l am not...
..and caterers.
LEON: l don't understand it. - She's Jewish. You're Jewish.
lt's a problem. Opposites attract.
Opposites attract?
Opposites attract? What is this? Are we people or magnets?
You've got two bowls, yeah?
GlRL ON TANNOY: Engineerto lane 6. Engineer to lane 6.
So, how's the catering business?
lt's honest. No white lies. No yellow lies. No transparent lies.
(Whispers) Opposites.
- Er, excuse me. Are you using this? - Not at all.
GlRL ON TANNOY: Mr Sharman to the cashier's desk, please.
Very good. Excellent.
You can hear it coming up the chute.
(Mouths)
- Hi. - Hello.
(Ball thunders)
(Dull thud)
First floor.
Marriage counselling
and sex therapy.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
LlFT OPERATOR: Second floor.
Premature ejaculation.
Lunch for Dr Stern.
Third floor. Infertility.
- Excuse me. - Name?
- Geller, but l'm only... - Address?
- What? - Your address?
Look, l have a delivery here for Dr Stern. That's all.
l'm not a patient. l don't have a...problem.
- Erm... Can l leave this here? - 228, The Drive, Edgware.
- How can l help you? - Just give this...
How did you get hold of that address?
- lt's on file, of course. - lsn't that illegal?
- Not at all. We only keep relevant information. - What do you mean, "relevant" information?
Geller. Born 25/8/32.
Joined Al programme June 1960.
Hang on. That can't be you.
- Sidney Geller? - No, that's my father.
What gives you the right to have a file on my father?
He was on the Al programme.
You must be...Leon, Nat or Harvey.
What's the Al programme?
Artificial insemination.
- Haven't you got anything to say? - What do you want us to say?
What are you getting so worked up about?
We're all products of artificial insemination. So what?
Do we have to talk about this?
- Hear, hear. - Are you joking?
- We nearly told you when you were Bar Mitzvah. - And?
And...then we decided to tell you when you were all married.
Sounds fair enough. lt's not their fault you haven't got married.
I think it must have taken a lot of courage for Dad to go through with it.
What did you want us to do?
Your father has a low sperm count.
- Do we have to talk about this? NAT: Hear, hear.
MRS GELLER: You should be proud. You were one of the first in the country.
LEON: Even better! You told everyone else except us.
"Rabbi Noga commented that Mr and Mrs Geller were fulfilling
one of the most positive commandments in the Jewish religion.
- To procreate. How they do it is their business." HARVEY: Exactly.
Sidney Geller's doctor commented that his patient's...sperm count
was one of the lowest he had ever encountered.
Do we have to talk about this?
We contacted the proud father, owner of Geller's Net Curtains Ltd, and asked him how he felt.
He replied, "Do we have to talk about this?"
l don't know what you want to achieve.
Now you all know the truth. OK.
You are all products of artificial insemination. OK.
Your father is your father. l am your mother. Subject is closed.
- But why did you have to be so secretive? - lt was only a white lie.
Problems? Enjoy the sandwich.
l just wanted to tell you. l think they should have told you at your Bar Mitzvah.
Nonsense! He was too young. What would he have understood at the age of 13?
Listen, if it wasn't for an unfortunate coincidence, he would never have found out at all.
- And now? - Now he knows. Big deal.
CHEF: The way l see it is like this.
He comes here three or four times a week. Every time, he orders salt beef.
Every time, it tastes the same, right?
Now, is it the same cow that he eats?
One cow comes from here, another cow comes from there.
Do l know how they breed each cow, what method they use?
So long as l boil the beef for five and a half hours,
with so much pepper and so much seasoning, the result's the same.
- Meaning? - Listen, l'm only the chef.
- l'm a doctor. - Mazel Tov.
The important issue here is one of medical science.
And that gives you the right to use him as a hamster?
His father had a problem. Science solved it.
Now he has three healthy boys, whose children will have children, and so on.
This would never have happened without medical science.
- True. - l suppose you're right.
But l don't have any children.
Oh.
- Oh, what? - Nothing.
- Have you been trying? - l should be so lucky.
That Lisa girl has been leading him a merry dance, gallivanting around.
Don't worry. She'll come round.
No way. She isn't interested.
He's too dominated by his family.
- You should break loose. - True.
This is North London.
What do you want me to do? Kill my father and marry my mother?
But you've had the test?
- What test? - What test?
Your brothers have children?
One has. The other one is expecting one.
What are you saying?
No! ls it hereditary?
- The chances are you're fine. - But...?
Well, in these cases, there's always a slim possibility, very slim,
that the problem is, as it were, er...
passed on.
You mean to say,
he could be...
infertile?
FEMALE DOCTOR: Mr Geller?
Come and sit down.
l don't believe we owe you an apology, Mr Geller,
but l am sympathetic to the manner in which you found out about your father's visits to us.
Society's taboos are something we have to deal with rather a lot in this profession.
- Yes. - What?
Nothing.
Shall we get to the matter in hand?
lt doesn't hurt to laugh. Just a small joke l use to break the ice.
lf you'd be so good as to take this test tube behind the screen
and let me know when you've finished.
Mr Geller?
Your father, as it happens, was a real challenge in his day.
Nowadays, we can achieve even greater miracles.
By in vitro fertilisation, if necessary.
Test-tube babies.
- Have you finished yet? - (Unzips trousers) Er...no.
ln those days, we just froze as much as we could get,
thawed it out when necessary
and used the old pipette.
l'm sure your mother remembers it.
- Are you having trouble? - No.
- l have pictures, if you want? - No.
- An interesting selection. - I'm fine.
Results generally take a fortnight.
- We can send them to you. - No.
- You'll come and pick them up, then? - Yes.
Coming.
LEON: Er, nearly.
l don't believe it. l just don't believe it!
(Revs engine)
That'll teach you.
l am so sorry. Are you OK?
No.
(Horn)
You're going to have to give me a lift home.
Do you think it will leave a scar?
What?
The scarjust above the left knee.
Don't you find that sort of erotic?
Next on the left.
You will stay for tea, won't you? Oh!
l think...we should both have essence of ginger root. lt's brilliant for shock.
Oh!
l'm just starting my period. l'll have a dash of evening primrose, too.
My first self-portrait.
I make stained-glass windows. I have a contract with the Church of England.
I've always loved windows.
As a kid, I used to spend hours tracing the path of raindrops down the glass.
People always thought I liked the rain, but it was the windows that fascinated me.
Opaque glass.
Rippled glass. Stained glass.
Windows allow you to see and to be seen. It's a two-way deal.
And yet millions of people don't keep their side of it.
How er... How do you mean?
Net curtains!
Ugly, flimsy nylon that stops people from enjoying the window from both sides,
because people need their privacy.
The whole beauty of the window is ruined.
They may as well brick up the space!
If I had one wish in life,
it would be to rid the whole world of every single net curtain.
You're lucky that's not an outside wall back there.
You could do with an NHBC damp-proofing course.
For one awful minute you sounded like an estate agent!
lf there's one thing l can't stand more than net curtains, it's estate agents.
Trained liars. Dishonesty incarnate.
l can't stand dishonesty.
So, what do you do?
l sculpt.
Really? I've always wanted to sculpt.
Ever since l saw Rodin's The Kiss. Don't you love his work?
l find the subtitles a bit off-putting.
(Woman giggles)
So, what materials do you use?
Oh, er...
Anything l can. Food.
Food?
You mean...
Your sculptures are edible?
And if it doesn't get eaten, it goes off.
Who does she remind you of?
l'm not sure. Maybe my mother.
There's her lover.
The female lays her eggs at the bottom under a stone and the male fertilises them after.
My mother. Definitely.
This is me,
the voyeur.
Quick, Leon.
Up here.
Look at that.
LEON: Oh, vile, I know. Horrible.
No, down a bit.
They know they can be seen.
Windows can fulfil a real need.
LEON: Gutterman!
Mrs Gutterman.
- Vitelli! WOMAN: What do you think?
l've always had trouble picturing Christ.
Why does he always have a beard?
It's beautiful.
Yeah, it's not bad.
l've often wondered about just giving him a moustache.
Are you hungry?
Starving.
Good to see you again, mademoiselle.
Mon Dieu
Mon Dieu...
ls he staring at me?
l'd say he's ogling.
He's been trying to get into my knickers for ages.
He doesn't know l'm not wearing any!
Are you shocked?
Not at all.
- What's the most attractive thing about me? - Jesus, what a question! Erm...
lt's...it's...it's how you talk.
- My accent? - No.
No, it's er... lt's what you say, the things you talk about.
Are you ready to order?
Like orgasms?
We'll have the special and a bottle of house white.
- Have we spoken about...? - Not yet.
l must go to the loo.
Bastard!
So, what is today's special?
- Lobster thermidor. - That will teach you.
Lobster? Ooh!
She's right. You're in a pickle.
Do yourself a favour. Leave now.
- Am l to take it that sir is Jewish? - That's right. Strictly kosher.
Hasn't told her, though. Can't say l blame him.
Edgar!
What a shame.
(Lobster squeals) - Ah, there goes the lobster now.
(More squealing)
He's a fighter, this one.
There's still time. Tell her.
WOMAN: Tell her now!
ls something wrong?
Good.
Mon Dieu, mon Dieu, mon Dieu...
Could we have some more water, please?
Of course. Enjoy your meal.
(Sighs heavily)
(Groans)
WOMAN: He'll never do it.
WAITER: Compliments of ze house. MADELElNE: Thankyou.
- What is it? - Pork.
OK. OK. You win. l'll tell her.
Madeleine,
l'm Jewish.
Can you take this away now?
You're...
Jewish?
Look, l'm sorry.
Daddy hates Jews.
Look, l've said l'm sorry!
- l rang you last night. - l was out.
At four o'clock in the morning?
Don't forget the cheese bits. Only for family.
Traditional Jewish music
- I like chicken, as well. - Lovely.
- Friends? - That's right.
- Friends? - Yes.
- Friends or family? - Groom's uncle.
(Laughter)
Excuse me.
- Friends or family? - Hm... Friends.
Have you seen The Jewish Chronicle?
12 engagements this week.
Decent girls.
Not like that kitten you're humping.
Hi, Rabbi Fink. Hampstead Progressive.
l understand you're going out with a non-Jewish girl.
Mazel Tov!
PHOTOGRAPHER: Smile!
Eh-eh-eh!
MAN: One, two, three!
- Up! - (Cheering)
Jewish weddings. What a nightmare!
My mother volunteered me as bridesmaid.
Hey, how come they haven't played "Feelings" yet?
Feelings
- Nothing more... - Listen, did you want to dance?
Leon, l've danced with three accountants,
two merchant bankers, a management consultant
and a dentist.
Why not?
Oh, those teardrops...
But is dancing with the caterer allowed?
You tell me. ls it adventurous enough?
l'm willing to make an exception.
Ah-ha! The happy couple.
- No. - No.
- Put your arm round there. - They just left, l think, for Marbella.
Bastards.
Well, you'll have to do, then. Smile.
Oh, feelings
For all my life l'll feel it
l wish l'd never met you, girl...
(Rings)
Hello.
Hi.
Really?
Can l call you back?
- Who was that? - A friend.
We're going parachuting this afternoon. Have you everjumped?
No.
l hear you've got a girlfriend now.
- I think it's good for you to spread your wings. - Look, Lisa...
Don't worry about it, Leon.
These things happen.
You'd better be going.
Leon.
l won't feel guilty if you don't.
Done.
(Sighs)
Excuse me.
How do you feel?
- Guilty as hell. - So you should.
You two-timing bastard!
By David Street.
l can't see it myself.
lt's all junk.
lt lacks passion.
There's no pain. No pain, no guilt. Nothing!
There's something so intense...
about Jews.
Other men just seem like dead meat.
Excuse me, sir. No touching the exhibits.
Sorry.
Two women in less than 24 hours.
- That is a good title. - No, l'm referring to you.
You think l don't feel guilty?
Oh, don't get me wrong, l envy you.
The man of principle.
He lies to his family. He lies to his girl.
Lies? What lies?
White lies.
You go for it, mate.
Good on you.
Look, what people don't know can't harm them.
You want to see this Jewish girl?
- Why do you see the blonde, then? - Have you seen her?
Look, l'm just a little confused. ls that all right?
Believe me, the Jewish girl...
- Lisa. - Lisa.
You see, she likes the danger
and you, you are safety.
For her, you are...dull.
Point taken. So, do you think Madeleine is more serious, then?
Yes.
Well, maybe.
Er, no.
- Leon! - Elliot.
- How are things? - Fine. Fine.
- What are you doing here? - l'm afraid l can't say.
- Business. - Business?
Not with Vitelli?
The Dickens deal fell through. He's very keen on that leisure centre.
lt's either this place or the Tate.
Madeleine, can we go?
- Well, well. - Who's your friend?
Elliot. Madeleine Burrs.
- Elliot...? - Cohen.
Oh, are you Jewish, too?
Every inch.
Yeah, look, l've got to go.
Er, it's erm...nice to meet you.
See you.
lnteresting texture.
Yeah. What is it?
Sperm.
How are you?
- Nervous. - Of course. Of course. Only to be expected.
- Can l get you a coffee? - No.
Tea?
No.
Have you got the results?
Well?
Don't you think a sense of humour is very important in life?
- What? - I do.
Oh... Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. l've failed!
Seeing the funny side of things is the only trait mankind has the animal kingdom doesn't.
- I can't have children? - Your sperm count is fine.
- Really? - Well, a little below normal.
- But nothing to worry about. - Really?
(Laughs hysterically)
How much do you know about artificial insemination?
lt's all right. l've got all that out of my system.
l mean, my father is my father and my mother is my mother.
Please sit down.
l'm sorry.
You're going to laugh at this.
- You're going to find this funny. I know you will. - What?
What do you see?
- Two test tubes. - Any differences?
Not...not really.
Exactly.
What do you mean, "exactly"?
You're determined to make this difficult for me.
All right. The only way to tell these identical test tubes apart is to look at the number on the label.
This is number 20518. This is number 20516.
And?
Number 20518 contains the frozen sperm of Mr Sidney Geller of Edgware.
Number 20516 contains the frozen sperm of...
Mr Brian Chadwick, Lower Dinthorpe, Yorkshire.
lt's the sort of crazy mistake that should never happen but does.
One in a million.
You mixed them up?
- You mixed them up?! - One day you'll laugh.
How could you do that?
Oh, you're fine on your genetic tampering, mixing a buttercup with a daisy,
- but you can't pick up the right bloody test tube! - Science is not to blame. lt was human error.
- We only discovered the mistake today. - Mistake?
Thankfully, we got it right with your two brothers. Well, strictly speaking,
half-brothers.
Chadwick.
- l don't know what to say. - Dad, one in a million. One day...
Don't give me that one in a million. They got the test tubes mixed up. l can't believe it.
- Bert Chadwick. - Brian. Brian.
Darling, how could they have got the test tubes mixed up?
- Haven't you been listening? - l mean, don't they have safeguards?
All of a sudden you're a biology expert?
- Damn it, l'm trying to get to the bottom of this. (Phone rings)
- lf you haven't anything constructive to... - Yes?
Do we want to play canasta with the Sheinfelds?
Do we look as ifwe want to play canasta?!
- l mean, l'm no scientist... - (Whispers)
- ..but how could they do such a thing? - l'll call you back.
They froze it.
l presume they kept it in the fridge. Was it put in the wrong section?
Look, Dad, l told you what happened.
And they didn't make the same mistake with Nat and Harvey. Well, that's something.
That's right. Just me.
l just don't know what to say.
What did they think they were doing, these bargain-basement gynaecologists?
Bert Chadwick. Lower Dinthorpe. What is that?
That's a village in Yorkshire.
Oh, how beautiful. Doesn't that sound lovely, Sidney?
Can l sue them? l can sue them. l'm going to sue!
Listen, it is me they gave the stuff to.
What's with "the stuff"?
Can't you say it? Sperm. Sperm!
You got another man's sperm. My God, it's rape. They raped my wife.
Dad, l think that's a bit much. At worst, it's adultery.
A man works all his life, raises his son,
sees him through his Bar Mitzvah, gets him his first golf clubs,
and then finds out he isn't even his own son.
Of course he's our son.
l don't know what to think.
ls he Jewish?
Well, thanks a lot, Dad. Maybe you'd like to charge me for 20-odd years of back rent.
Did you have to say that?
l've got to tell you something. l need to talk to you.
- What is it? - l went to the sperm bank.
You're not going to believe this.
They mixed up the test tubes...years ago.
Can you believe it? They...
Well, anyway, my father, my dad...
Jesus, it's such a mess.
But l've decided, you see... My real father...
My real father is...
Elliot?
Leon.
Hi.
Elliot?
Madeleine, are you sure this is safe? lt feels a little wobbly.
- What on earth is going on? - He's a perfect Messiah. A beardless Christ.
- He's an estate agent. - Rubbish, he's a fashion designer.
OK, all right, so l'm an estate agent. So what?
Not so long ago, you were. What's the big deal?
An estate agent?
- You're not a sculptor? ELLlOT: Sculptor?
Leon? He's a caterer.
- Listen, can you get me down off this? - Have you... Have you two...
- Not yet. - Not ever.
- But l've spent hours on this bloody thing. - Too bad.
- Caterer? - l'm working with my mother. lt's only temporary.
You could've worked for your father... selling net curtains.
OK, OK, l used to be an estate agent.
And my family run a net curtains business.
And l'm not a sculptor and l have been working for my mother's catering business.
But these are all small things, Madeleine.
Are you even...Jewish?
Well...that...that's what l have to find out.
My mother is, which is the important thing.
But, you see, my father, my real father...
- Get out. - No, look...
Get out!
(Crucifix clatters to floor)
- Have you got a minute? - lt's a bit difficult.
l'm having a Buddhist evening. Jeremy's coming.
- Jeremy? - Jeremy Stein. And David Goldberg.
- You're more than welcome. - Not my scene.
l didn't think so. What's up?
lt's a long story.
(Buddhist chanting)
l told you about the clinic,
about the artificial insemination.
- Well, it turns out... - lt'll have to be another time. Sorry.
- Let's talk tomorrow. - Lisa.
Yes?
- (Buddhist chanting) - Nothing.
- Good night. - Good night.
THOMAS LANG: Nothing Ever Goes To Plan
Nothing ever goes to plan
Nothing works in the way that it can
No-one has the fortune they deserve
This is it, for better or worse
There's no escape if things stay on course
Just be certain that things will get worse
And if the world suddenly turned out fair
Stop it there
Nothing ever goes to plan
Your ambition should be left in a can
Never let a good idea grow
The use of knowledge is for those in the know
There's no escape if things stay on course
Just be certain that things will get worse
And if the world suddenly turned out fair
Stop it there...
You know there's no escape
lf things stay on course
Just be certain that things will get worse
And if the world suddenly turned out fair
Stop it there
Nothing ever goes to plan
Nothing works in the way that it can
You're still expecting the sun to break
Get into the rain...
(Bleating)
Excuse me, is this the way to Lower Dinthorpe?
lt's a lovely flock you've got there.
You a city type?
- l suppose so. - I thought so.
At least you didn't hoot your blasted horn.
Take the second turning on the left.
Nothing works in the way that it can
You're still expecting the sun to break
Get into the rain
l said nothing
No, no, no, l said nothing
Ever goes to plan
Nothing
No, no, no, l said nothing
(Distant clattering)
(Distant clattering and snuffling)
(Knocks on door)
MAN: Bloody hell.
Who the bloody hell's that?
(Rhythmic creaking)
MAN: Well, I can't say this hasn't come as a shock.
Or a welcome surprise at any rate.
l remember the day like it were yesterday. August 4th 1961 .
Five quid l got. ln those days that were a lot of money.
And you were born June 8th 1963.
(Chuckles) Easiest fiver I ever earned.
So they freeze it, do they?
I went a few times. Do you think there'll be many more of you, eh?
(Laughs raucously)
WOMAN: Brian, darling.
lt's good to have you home.
- You haven't introduced Leon. - Have l not?
Well, now, you know Yvonne, my wife.
And next to her is Keith. Now myyoungest son, eh, Keith?
Keith likes to...cook.
Wants to go off on some cordon bleu continental cuisine cookery course in France.
Now Leon's here you may get the chance.
Then we'll all soon be eating Roque-bloody-fort bloody souffle.
There's so much we don't know about you, Leon.
Your parents...
- Judith. - And Sidney.
l've always admired the way Jews believe in the family.
BRlAN: That reminds me. Where was I?
Then there's Keith's mother Beryl.
Beryl was my first wife.
And her husband Tony.
And that's my brother Morgan sitting next to Yvonne's sister Jane.
Jane's ex-husband and fiance John.
Peter, our vet.
My second ex-wife Cynthia with her new boyfriend Trevor.
Keith's girlfriend Cathy.
And Kathy's teenage son...Luke.
And that's just about it.
Did you say vet?
Aye, that's right. Peter.
We're very close.
You see, l don't believe in forcing my pigs to breed.
After all, they might not like each other, they might not fancy each other.
Or if they do fancy each other, they might get emotionally involved.
You see, there are two ways of getting a sow pregnant.
Artificial insemination.
You're quick. Spot-on.
Do you mind if l go to bed? lt's been a long day.
Righto.
See you in the morning.
Good night, Leon.
KElTH: Sleep tight.
(Knock at door)
Wakey-wakey! Time to get up!
(Sighs)
(Brian and Yvonne chat in hushed tones)
Oh, morning, Leon. Sleep well?
Fine.
Not in bad shape for a man my age, eh? What do you think?
Yvonne's in better shape, though. Her muscle tone is quite outstanding.
lncredible thighs.
What's going on in here?
No point in getting all spruced up. Pigs can smell cleanliness.
See what l mean?
lmagine them wrapped around your waist.
He wasn't talking about my thighs again, was he?
Er...l can't remember.
Hurry up, you two.
l've left some suitable clothes on your bed for you, Leon.
They should fit.
That's enough, darling.
Well, time for breakfast.
(Whispers) lncredible.
Oh, my God.
l told you - just eggs for Leon.
- Sorry. KEITH: No. No, it's my fault.
How would you like them, Leon?
Scrambled... with some thinly sliced smoked salmon,
or lightly poached with a sprinkling of fresh parsley?
Boiled?
Right.
No problem.
Thanks.
So...
what's to be done at this hour?
Feeding? Mucking out?
No. There's not a lot you can do with pigs till nine.
They're lazy buggers.
But it's good to get up early.
My father were always up at four.
And his father before him.
We Chadwicks have always been early risers.
Well, l suppose we'd best go and wake 'em up.
- Thanks. - A point.
So...when do you leave for Paris?
A lot sooner than l thought.
BRlAN: We're both so glad you came.
BRlAN: l was doing a lot of thinking last night.
LEON: Really? - Aye.
A lot of thinking. About the future.
So, how many pigs are actually kept here?
We're just a bog standard farm. We're not rich, we're not poor. We're just right.
There. Smell that.
Ah.
You can tell a happy pig by the smell.
You see pigs pushed together, cooped up in tiny cages.
They look unhappy and they smell unhappy.
And that makes for an unhappy piece of bacon.
- Listen. Can you hear? (Silence)
They're still asleep.
(Lively snorting and grunting)
BRlAN: Crafty buggers.
(Chuckles)
(Squealing and grunting)
(Heavy thud)
- Leon. - (Mumbles) Unclean.
- No, Leon. - Unclean.
Come on. Let's get you up. That's it.
Uhhh.
- Take it away, Brian. BRlAN: But look, he's so sweet.
- Away. - (Brian tuts)
(Phone rings) - Brian, can you get that?
YVONNE: Chadwicks Pig Farm.
YVONNE: Hello?
Oh. Oh, yes. Just a moment.
Leon, it's for you. Your mother.
Yes?
Leon...
Did she say farm?
That's right. How did you get hold of me?
l am your mother, Leon.
Did she say pig farm?
LEON: Yes.
Pigs. Are they nice? The Chadwicks, l mean.
Yes, very nice. Why are you whispering?
In case your father hears. You did say pigs?
(Whispers) Yes. Four legs, a snout and a curly tail.
(Whispers) Pigs. What am l going to tell him?
For God's sake, don't tell him anything.
When are you coming back?
I don't know. I haven't been here a day yet.
Soon?
l'm not sure. lt depends.
- Mum? - Yes?
Not a word to Dad.
l wouldn't know how to start.
BRlAN: Peter!
Peter! You remember my son Leon, don't you?
Nice to meet you.
l felt at least three in Trudy. Not bad for her age.
Fantastic. What a girl, eh, Leon? Clarissa had five last week.
- l think we've nearly perfected the technique. - Could be, could be.
l want Leon to help you today. He's a bit squeamish about some things. Most things.
- l could use a hand with Janet. - ls Janet pregnant?
She will be when you've had done with her. (Cackles)
(Pig grunts)
Clamp.
l haven't got all day. l've got to be at Lewis's at four.
- The sheep farmer? - That's right.
- Pigs, sheep, goats. - (Agitated grunting)
All the good Lord's creatures.
OK, we're nearly ready here. Can you find me the syringe?
- Got it. - Take three drops from the test tube on the left.
Got yourself a girl back in London?
- Not really. - Got to find yourself a mate.
lt ain't natural not to have a mate.
As the Lord said, you shouldn't spill your seed on the ground.
Three drops. No more, no less.
(Agitated grunting)
(Pats sow) Ssh. Ssh.
(Groans) l think l've done it.
Come on, pass it over.
(Grunting and squelching)
There. Done.
BRIAN: It's the pigs, isn't it? You don't like them.
- No, no, l do. l do. - Who's your favourite?
Well, l like er...
- Trudy? - Yes. Trudy.
- l like Trudy. And er... - And Belinda.
- I know she likes you. - Look, the point is it's not the pigs.
- Then what is it, Leon? - l don't know.
- l suppose l'm just homesick. - Well...
..what ifwe made this more like your old home?
- Would that help? - lfwe were more like Sidney and Judith?
- No, that's ridiculous. - lt's a good idea.
- l saw Ben Hur. He was Jewish. - You're not being serious.
And l know a bit about the Koran.
Darling, that's for Muslims.
We're talking about 5,000 years of tradition... of persecution.
- Of guilt. - So?
We can try, can't we?
(Leon slurps)
- More salt. YVONNE: Salt?
(Slurps)
Still a bit tasteless.
Keith, are you sure you got a boiling fowl? KElTH: Er, Leon...
l actually bought four poussins instead.
They have a delightfully subtle aroma.
Keith, chicken soup is not some nouvelle cuisine delicacy.
- lt's not? - Have you got some...fat?
Fat.
YVONNE: Not another inch!
Out of my kitchen!
What for?
Not bad.
Not bad at all.
YVONNE: Mm. Good, huh?
(Brian mutters)
Traditional Jewish music
(Pigs grunt)
LEON: Hi.
l see Debbie Caplan's engaged.
Leon, l'm saying nothing. But you'll never meet the right girl if you don't look.
- This is the most stupid game. - Brian.
- What? - Tell him to find someone and settle down.
- Do people really play this? - Brian.
(Yiddish accent) You know vot you always need? Your health. Good health, you need.
- And a wife. - Look, l have a girlfriend back in London.
Leon! Well, why didn't you say?
She's not Jewish. l knew it, l knew it.
She is Jewish. She is.
Sh...she's just not really a girlfriend. More of a friend.
(Yiddish accent) Who needs friends? You want a family, a home.
Do we have to talk about this?
Noo?
Dinner's ready.
l need a holiday.
Oy. Don't start with the holidays.
(Knock at door)
Got a minute?
- Me? - Need me?
We'll manage.
The South of France is very nice this time of year.
Or Eilat.
Jesus.
What is it?
Well, offhand l'd say it was part pig...
..part sheep.
Are you sure it's not just...an odd pig?
- (Bleating) - Pretty sure.
You must've got the wrong test tube.
Christ.
- How's Janet? - She's fine.
Brian's going to take this bad.
He don't like no-one messing with his pigs.
What are you going to do?
No...no idea.
- (Sighs) - (Bleating and grunting)
You expect me to wash and clean after you,
but a holiday is too much to expect.
BRlAN: Everything OK? - Yeah.
lt's all right for you. You haven't been slaving over a hot stove.
Neither have you. Our schmock of a son's been doing that.
- Leon, will you eat something? - l'm not a schmock.
YVONNE: Leon, listen to your father. Eat.
- Anyway, the word is schmuck. - Are you sure?
l was certain it was schmock.
Schmuck, definitely.
Either schmuck or schmock.
But you could be safe and go for nudnik. What would you say, Leon?
Too Jewish.
Look, you're just fulfilling stereotypes.
You don't understand the fundamental concept of guilt.
Without guilt, it's meaningless.
Guilt isn't a word, it's...
it's a way of life.
l think l do.
Do what?
Understand the concept of guilt.
l've just realised...
- ..I used pig's liver. (Cutlery clatters)
BRIAN: Quick, get him some water.
He's going to be sick.
YVONNE: Get a bowl.
Good.
Rabbi Hertzman. Rabbi Jolson.
- Good of you to come so quickly. - No problem, it's on expenses.
l don't have long, l'm double-parked at King's Cross.
Now, who is the owner of this farm?
- My father. - Your father?
A pig farm?
lt's a long story.
Sounds fascinating.
LEON: He knows nothing about it. It's a secret.
- l don't want to upset him. - Why?
He's a bit of a...traditionalist.
JOLSON: Phwoar. HERTZMAN: Eeugh.
Well, Rabbi Hertzman?
What do you think?
Well...
- Rabbi Jolson? - Well, what?
- The only question is, will it taste like bacon? - (Bleating and grunting)
On the one hand, it must be said... this is a very difficult question.
And on the other hand... this is a very difficult question.
Will it smell like bacon? Will it grill like bacon?
- l can't wait to tell my congregation. - Very difficult.
- Kosher hams. - (Bleating and grunting)
- Well? - l'll have to consult the Chief Rabbi.
Consult! All you people do is consult. lt's fine by me. lt's 100% kosher.
- There's a principle involved here. - Principle!
- What principle? - Believe me, there's always a principle.
- l'm reminded of the story of Noah. - Who?
- You know...Noah, the Flood. - Oh, the Flood.
- We had a flood in our synagogue. - What?
- The whole building flooded. - Did you save the scrolls?
Scrolls? We keep our service on floppy disk.
With all due respect, you're talking out of your arse.
- l'm talking outta my ass?! - What exactly do l tell my father?
- (Both shout at once) - What do l tell my father?
- You tell your father the truth. - Agreed. Honesty is the best policy.
One lie begets another as surely as Noah begat Shem.
- Ham. - And Japheth.
(Door buzzer)
You did what?
lt was a mistake. A one in a million.
- Half a sheep, a mistake? - But it wasn't his fault.
- His fault it wasn't. - One of my pigs, half a sheep.
What's it look like?
lt sort of looks...happy.
lt's getting on very well with the other pigs.
l mean, what is its physical appearance?
Some of it...a lot of it...most of it...looks like a pig.
But then there are these small things.
Hardly noticeable really, just...minor...minor changes.
- Minor?! - Peter should have been more careful.
More careful, that's what he should have been.
All right. All right, we isolate it from the others.
lt'll be the only one of its kind. When it dies we go back to normal.
I will not have crossbreeding.
Wooh! You should have thought about that 30 years ago.
What do you mean by that exactly?
lt was all right then, in London, for $5.
Something good came of that.
Something good can come from this.
You will not breed...weird pigs on my land.
How about if l get Peter to take care of him?
You never think, do you?
Pigs, pigs, pigs!
But do you ever take me out for a meal?
THOMAS LANG: Mess Around
Got to juggle with a problem in my mind
Every second in my life
No-one takes responsibility
As seriously as l
All l wanna do
ls mess around with you
Just wanna mess around with you
l've got to take the opportunity...
Vakey-vakey.
(Cheery whistling)
l've got to celebrate the mood l'm in...
BRIAN: Bloody hell, he's gone.
He's gone!
Ff...
Don't wanna mess around with no other girl...
So what are you going to do with it?
- What? - Thinking of breeding it?
Well...er...
l'm not sure.
Breeding has a nicely symbolic touch to it.
Not forgetting the financial possibilities.
Absolutely. Not forgetting them.
All l wanna do
ls mess around with you...
- Thank you. - l wouldn't listen to a word anybody says.
You have to make up your own mind.
..no other girl
And all l wanna do
ls mess around with you...
What about your parents? They brought you up. Don't they have a right to know?
LEON: I was in a place called Lower Dinthorpe. LlSA: Really?
lt's a bit of a long story.
LlSA: Really?
- (Muffled grunt) - l think you'd better tell me about it.
What are you going to do now?
l don't know. l suppose l'll have to tell my parents.
(Doorbell rings)
(Muffled grunting and bleating)
Yes?
Hamalayan cosee ratchang Lisa?
Oo ye hatin?
lt's er...it's for you. l think it's Jeremy.
Jeremy?
Oh, Christ. The post-Himalayan meditation intensive.
LEON: Right, of course.
Look...
we're having a 24-hour chant, so if you hear strange noises...
l'd better be going.
Thanks for...the soup.
(Rings doorbell)
Hi, Mum. l'm back.
lt's so good to see you.
l see you brought your laundry, as usual.
- Yeah. ls Dad around? - Upstairs.
Good. Can we talk?
(Groans with effort)
Ohhh.
- Ahhh. - Leon's back.
- Uh? - Leon's back.
Really?!
- He has some news for you. - Good.
Sidney, l want you to hear him out.
Hang on. l won't be a minute.
He says he'll be down in a minute.
l told him he's got to listen.
SlDNEY: Leon.
Leon, how are you?
Put that thing down now.
Sit down.
Leon has something to tell you.
Brian...
Brian Chadwick...
is a...pig farmer.
I um...
l went to his place in Yorkshire.
l worked there. Helping.
Breeding...breeding pigs.
And um...
l er...l made a mistake.
There's a pig...that is half a sheep.
lt might be kosher.
Brian was angry, so um...er...
l've come back and l stole the pig.
Fine.
Welcome back.
You're taking this very calmly, Sidney.
Of course l'm taking it very calmly.
My son's a pig farmer!
Pigs! Farms! A pig farmer!
It's not his fault.
(Phone rings)
Do we want to play bridge with the Hubermans?
No, l don't think so. (Whispers) l'll call you back.
Not his fault?
- ls he a scientist, to invent a kosher pig? - l only said it might be.
And this animal, where is it now?
Yes, where is it? ln your flat?
Oh, Leon, you haven't.
- What? - You didn't.
What?
(Bleating and grunting)
(Gasps softly)
(Rustling)
SlDNEY: ..in my house! - ls this it?
- l guess so. - l think this is yours.
(Sidney mutters angrily)
- (Bleating and grunting) - He'll be all right.
YVONNE: Ah, you must be Judith.
- Yvonne. - And this is my husband Brian.
- Brian. - Oy.
(Yiddish accent) Did we have trouble getting here.
- l'll disinherit him. - Quick. Do we have any Earl Grey?
- lt's what they drink. - Who?
- l think they drink beer. - Beer. Ale. Brilliant. Brilliant.
- When did we last have the house painted? - What? Oh, two years ago.
Lager.
- What else? - Venison?
- We'll skip the food. - l'll have a whisky. l need it.
No. And don't wave your arms about so much.
(Yorkshire accent) Ey up!
(Posh accent) Well, you know what they always say. An Englishman's home is his castle.
(Posh accent) Sidney and l thought of moving to the country.
All that flora and fauna. Being at one with nature.
Nature schmature.
(Yiddish accent) lt's a good 17 miles to the nearest golf course.
Sidney and l went grouse shooting last autumn.
Don't you think Leon's looking thinner?
Sidney and l don't believe in criticising our children.
Do you know what you always need, Sidney?
No, what does one always need?
Your health. You always need your health.
You know we've expanded the business, Leon.
We're moving into blinds. Exciting years ahead.
The reason we came here was to talk to you about the pig.
Believe me, it's a lot for me and Nat.
Much as it's against my betterjudgment, l think you should be allowed to breed it.
So l want you to join the business.
On condition that you do it in Yorkshire, on our land...er...your land.
Take it in any direction you like. After all, you are the oldest.
Hang on. Are you saying you want to take him away from me?
- Me take him away from you? - He's going to inherit the farm. You've no right.
Don't talk to me about rights. He's ourson.
l'm his father, though. lt was my sperm.
Can we not talk about sperm?
There's nowt wrong with the word sperm.
lt's that sort of repression he needs to escape from.
Right. Obviously, he's a born pig farmer.
He'd be far happier with us than down here selling bloody blinds.
He's a Chadwick. lt's as plain as your nose.
He is, has been, and always will be a Geller.
Why don't you ask him what he wants? He can make his own decisions.
- Fine. - Right, then.
(Door slams)
- Do you know where he's going? - No idea.
- Sidney, the car keys. - l'm coming with you.
YVONNE: Where's he going? JUDlTH: No idea.
SlDNEY: Can you slow down?
- Does he know? BRlAN: Has he got the pig?
- Shut up about your bloody pig. SlDNEY: Hear, hear. Can you slow down a bit?
Shut up or l'll sever your testicles with a blunt knife.
- Hear, hear. - What?
JUDlTH: l think he's heading for the countryside.
JUDlTH: Damn.
Damn.
(Tyres screech)
JUDlTH: It's yourfault. YVONNE: The two ofyou.
JUDITH: Arguing like that.
SlDNEY: He must choose. BRlAN: Yes.
JUDlTH: Nonsense.
BRlAN: Well, what now?
JUDlTH: We wait. We wait.
(Bleating and grunting)
(Grunting)
(Rustling)
l guess they're right.
l guess they are.
He's a fine man.
Pig schmig.
Heir schmeir.
You two! He's coming.
Right. l'm starving.
SlDNEY: Mm.
- This...is a pickled... - Cucumber!
And this is egg and onion.
Oh, it's delicious. Mm.
- Not a patch on mine. - That's gefilte fish.
- l think it's chopped... - Herring.
ls it? Course it is. Silly me. (Chuckles)
Actually, it's not bad.
- Not a patch on mine. - Eh, not a patch on your black pudding.
- How long have you been here? - Your mother drove.
- Have you sorted out your main courses yet? - Salt beef all round.
(Party whistle screeches)
- First, that could be very dangerous. - (Brian chuckles)
SIDNEY: Second, it's not funny.
BRlAN: It were neverdangerous. Birthday parties are meant to be fun.
YVONNE: Any excuse.
BRlAN: Who is Jimmy, anyway? YVONNE: It'll be the owner.
- Hi, Mr Geller. BRlAN: We could call the farm Chadwick's.
- Mrs Geller. - Brian Chadwick and this is my wife Yvonne.
But you can call her Thunder Thighs. (Cackles)
Hi, Leon. Long time no see.
Ah, look, l'm sorry about what happened.
Not that anything did happen.
Four hours on a cross and not a glimpse.
What are you doing here? ls Jimmy's soon to become Vitelli's Flotation Tank Centre?
You must be joking. Vitelli loves this place. lsn't that right, Morris?
Mr Vitelli is particularly partial to our pot roast.
Hava Negila
(Lively tempo)
Get your priorities right. There's money to be made with a kosher pig.
And it's your success. No-one can take that away from you.
Why don't you work for the family business?
You've compromised your principles. Now you'd be a great estate agent.
- Go back to Yorkshire. - Go for net curtains.
- Or become an accountant. They're dishonest. - My dad's an accountant.
OLD WOMAN: Why aren't you listening?
So what made you decide to run away with the pig?
What happened to the 24-hour chant?
What a bunch ofjerks.
All just trying to be different.
LEON: Without knowing why.
Exactly.
ldiots.
lt happens.
So what made you decide to run away with the pig?
Why don't we go somewhere and l'll tell you?
What, back there?
l don't think l could cope.
l don't mind.
You've never ridden bareback in the wilds.
You've never shared a meal with a gorilla.
You don't even know how to parachute.
And l'll never ever climb a mountain.
Not even a small Himalaya?
No.
An Alp?
How small?
Some of them are tiny.
Hardly mountains at all.
So...
what about the pig?
Can you imagine it?
Leon...the pig farmer.
Nothing ever goes to plan
Nothing works in the way that it can
No-one has the fortune they deserve
This is it, for better or worse
There's no escape if things stay on course
Just be certain that things will get worse
And if the world suddenly turned out fair
Stop it there
Nothing ever goes to plan
Your ambition should be left in a can
Never let a good idea grow
The use of knowledge is for those in the know
There's no escape if things stay on course
Just be certain that things will get worse
And if the world suddenly turned out fair
Stop it there...
Got to juggle with a problem in my mind
Every second in my life
No-one takes responsibility
As seriously as l
All l wanna do
ls mess around with you
Just wanna mess around with you
l've got to take the opportunity
To lighten up my life
l've got to celebrate the mood l'm in
And set this world to rights
But all l wanna do
ls mess around with you
Don't wanna mess around with no other girl
And all l wanna do
ls mess around with you
All l wanna do
ls mess around with you
Don't wanna mess around with no other girl
And all l wanna do
ls mess around with you
(Harmonica instrumental)
(Bleating grunt)