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>> OHH!
OH, SHIT!
YOU'RE FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.
YOU KNOW THAT?
YOU'RE LIKE IF THE SUNSET AND
THE SUNRISE -- THEY MET
SOMEWHERE AND THEY MADE LOVE.
YOU'D BE THAT BIRTH.
>> OH, MY GOD.
YOU ARE SO GOOD WITH YOUR WORDS.
YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A
J.C. PENNEY MODEL!
>> YOU'RE MY BREAKFAST BEER.
YOU KNOW THAT?
>> MM-HMM, BUT I'M GONNA GIVE
YOU FRITO TOES.
>> FUCK, YES.
GET IN HERE. COME ON.
SHIT! NO! FUCK!
OH, I GOT TO -- SHIT.
I-I GOT TO GO.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO RAIN-CHECK
ON THE FRITO TOES.
>> WAIT. WHY?
>> BECAUSE MY SIS IS GETTING
MARRIED, AND I'M FUCKING LATE!
>> WELL, I'LL COME WITH YOU.
>> NOT A GOOD IDEA, ACTUALLY.
YOU CAN'T GO WITH ME 'CAUSE I
FORGOT TO R.S.V.P. OR WHATEVER,
AND THEY'RE NOT GONNA KNOW IF
YOU WANT CHICKEN AND ALL THAT
KIND OF SHIT.
I DON'T HAVE MONEY FOR A DRESS,
SO...
LOOK, YOU'RE AWESOME, SERIOUSLY,
AND YOU ROCKED ME LAST NIGHT.
THAT WAS INCREDIBLE.
BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S REALLY
WORKING OUT BETWEEN
THE TWO OF US.
WE DON'T COMMUNICA--
GOD DAMN. ARE YOU SERIOUS?
THAT'S MY FAVORITE BAND!
>> BUT YOU SAID YOU LOVE ME.
>> NO. NO.
I DEFINITELY DID NOT SAY
I LOVE YOU.
>> YES, YOU DID!
WHEN I SHOWED YOU WHAT I COULD
DO WITH MY LEG, YOU SAID, "I
LOVE YOU!"
>> NO, I DID NOT!
I SAID THAT YOUR HAIR SMELLED
LIKE THE ELEPHANT-EAR STAND AT
THE FAIR, AND I SAID THAT THERE
WAS PROBABLY A TREE SOMEWHERE ON
SOME EXOTIC ISLAND THAT GROWS
ASSES JUST LIKE YOURS.
DAMN IT!
WELL, YOU CAN'T BELIEVE
EVERYTHING THAT A MAN SAYS WHEN
YOU LET HIM DO SOMETHING
LIKE THAT!
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> JESUS! WHO DO YOU THINK
YOU ARE -- MY MOTHER?!
YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME AFTER WE
DEPLOYED THE AIR BAG.
>> YEAH, BECAUSE THAT WAS
AMAZING!
I SAID I LOVED THAT!
"THAT WAS AWESOME," IS WHAT I
SAID.
>> GOD DAMN IT!
>> GUS! NO, GUS!
>> WHAT THE HELL DID I TELL YOU
ABOUT TALKING TO MY LITTLE
SISTER?!
>> WE WEREN'T TALKING, GUSTOR!
WE WERE FUCKING!
>> OH, THAT'S IT, ASSWIPE!
>> YOU ARE SO FUCKING LUCKY I
AIN'T GOT TIME RIGHT NOW 'CAUSE
I GOT TO GO TO MY SISTER'S
WEDDING.
>> OH, THAT LITTLE SLUT'S
GETTING MARRIED?!
>> DON'T EVER FUCKING TALK ABOUT
MY SISTER, GUSTOR!
>> OHH! MY TOOTH, DAMN IT!
GOD DAMN IT!
>> TAKE ME WITH YOU.
>> GOT TO GO. CAN'T DO IT.
SORT THAT MAN OUT AND DON'T
TOUCH MY FUCKING VAN AGAIN!
>> FUCKING LOSER!
>> I FUCKING HATE YOU!
>> END IT.
>> OKAY.
DESTRUCTION!
I OWN YOU.
TAKE IT OFF.
OH, COME ON.
THAT'S THE PARROT DEMON.
I BELIEVE THAT'S 16 PLUS DAMAGE,
32 DEFENSE, 88 MAGIC.
YOU KNOW THE RULES.
NOW STRIP.
>> I WILL NOT.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I'M SO
EXCITED ABOUT MARRYING YOU,
THOUGH?
>> OH, DON'T STALL.
>> I'M NOT STALLING.
>> LET ME SEE THAT SEXY BUTT.
>> SERIOUSLY, DO YOU WANT TO
KNOW?
>> OKAY. THAT YOU GET TO BE
MARRIED TO ME FOR ALL OF
ETERNITY?
>> NO. IT'S THAT NOW I WILL OWN
HALF...OF YOUR CARDS.
LIKE...
YOU DO THIS EVERY TIME.
>> WAIT A MINUTE.
>> OKAY.
>> I'M SORRY.
I HAVE TO GET IT.
>> NO.
>> MM-HMM.
>> NO.
>> MM-HMM. MM-HMM.
I HAVE TO GET IT.
HELLO?
TRAVIS?
OH, MY GOD.
WAIT. YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT?
OH, CHICKEN PICKLE?
YEAH, I LOVE YOU, TOO.
BYE.
MY BROTHER'S COMING.
>> BROTHER?
WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR, WHAT, TWO
YEARS NOW, AND I HAVEN'T MET HIM
YET?
>> WHY ARE YOU BEING LIKE THIS?
>> WHAT? I'M JUST SAYING I'VE
HEARD IT BEFORE.
>> WHATEVER.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T NEED THIS.
>> NO. NO, COME HERE.
>> WHAT? STOP.
YOU KNOW I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
>> I'M SORRY.
>> AW, DAMN. YOU NEED SOME HELP?
>> ABSOLUTELY.
>> GOD DAMN.
>> THAT OUGHT TO DO IT.
PROBABLY JUST SAVED YOU LADIES'
LIVES JUST NOW.
>> WELL...
THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP.
>> NO PROBLEM.
>> YEAH.
>> IS SHE OKAY?
>> UM...
SHE'S BEEN VERY SICK, AND AN
EVIL HAS COME OVER HER SOUL.
>> YEAH. FLU SEASON CAN BE A
BITCH, RIGHT?!
>> HOW CAN I REPAY YOU?
>> I'VE GOT SO MANY ANSWERS TO
THAT QUESTION, BUT I AM RUNNING
LATE, ACTUALLY.
TELL YOU WHAT -- NEXT TIME
YOU'RE IN TOWN, JUST, UH, LOOK
ME UP.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> LOOK FOR BLACK MAMA.
YOU KNOW, WE COULD FIGURE
SOMETHING OUT.
>> YEAH, I'M SURE WE COULD.
>> YEAH.
WHAT'S THAT SAY?
>> OH, UM, THE BOX -- THE BOX
SAYS, "GOT WILL SAVE US."
>> HELL, I THINK HE JUST HAS.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GOING TO MY SISTER'S WEDDING
RIGHT NOW.
I TELL YOU WHAT -- I'LL GIVE YOU
100 BUCKS FOR THE NECKLACE.
>> NO. NO. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
>> COME ON.
YOU SAID, "HOW CAN YOU REPAY?"
I'LL GIVE YOU $105, GRANDMA.
THAT'S ALL I GOT.
>> DO NOT INVITE DIABLOS AND
STRAY ANIMALS.
>> WHAT?
>> SORRY.
SHE SAYS YOU'RE
TOO DUMB.
UM, YOU WILL HURT YOURSELF
AND -- AND PROBABLY OTHERS.
>> YEAH.
>> PLEASE UNDERSTAND.
>> YEAH. I, UH...
I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY.
LOOK, YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
LORD ALMIGHTY!
BUT I GOT TO GO.
>> WELL, ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU, MR...
>> TRAVIS.
>> MR. TRAVIS.
>> YEAH.
LOOK ME UP.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> BYE, GRANDMA!
>> PSST!
DOREEN, IT'S ME -- HANK.
>> HANK WHO?
>> HOW YOU DOING?
>> THIS IS OUR LAST CONVERSATION
AS AN ENGAGED COUPLE.
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED!
>> MARRIED?
WHAT, WE'RE NOT GONNA GET OLD
AND FAT, ARE WE?
>> YOU SHOULD SEE ME RIGHT NOW.
I'M EATIN' A HUGE
SLAB OF RIBS, AND I'M
CO-O-O-VERED IN GRAVY AND SAUCE.
>> I DON'T CARE
WHAT WE DO OR DON'T DO, AS LONG
AS WE'RE TOGETHER.
>> THANKS, BABE.
NOW PUT AWAY THOSE RIBS AND
LET'S GET MARRIED, HUH?
>> OKAY.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
HANK VON WITZENBURG.
>> I LOVE YOU, TOO...
SOON-TO-BE
DOREEN VON WITZENBURG.
THAT SOUNDS SO GOOD.
I'LL SEE YOU OUT THERE, BABE.
>> COME TO PAPA.
YEAH.
AWESOME.
GOT A BLESSING FOR YOU, SIS.
>> BEAUTIFUL CAR, MAN.
>> HI.
>> HI, HAIRCUT.
>> HANK, YOU CAN'T COME IN HERE.
TRAVIS!
>> HI!
OHH!
>> OHH!
>> I TOLD YOU I'D BE HERE.
LET ME LOOK AT YOU.
GOOD GOD, SIS!
YOU LOOK LIKE AN ANGEL.
HI.
>> LOOK AT YOU.
>> YOU LIKE?
>> YOU CLEAN UP NICELY.
>> LIKE A PANTHER IN A BOWTIE.
>> HAVE YOU MET HANK YET?
>> WHY? HE HIT YOU?
>> NO!
>> TELL ME -- DID HE?
>> TR-TRAVIS, NO, NO.
HE'S A REALLY NICE GUY.
>> HE BETTER BE.
>> YOU BE NICE TO HIM, OKAY?
>> OKAY. I'LL BE NICE TO HIM IF
YOU SAY HE'S NICE.
I TRUST YOU.
>> OKAY.
>> LOOK.
GOT YOU SOMETHING.
>> WOW.
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
>> YOU LIKE IT?
>> I LOVE IT.
>> IT'S AN ANTIQUE -- YOU KNOW,
SOMETHING OLD, SOMETHING NEW.
I FIGURED THIS COULD BE YOUR
SOMETHING OLD IF -- IF YOU WANT
TO WEAR IT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
YEAH. I LOVE IT.
>> YEAH? WELL, TRY IT ON.
COME ON.
>> OKAY.
LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.
>> IT DOES. IT'S PERFECT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> IT'S NOTHING.
DOREEN, I'M SORRY ABOUT THE WAY
I LEFT, YOU KNOW?
I --
>> STOP.
IT'S ALL IN THE PAST.
ALL THAT MATTERS TO ME IS THAT
YOU'RE HERE NOW.
>> THANKS, SIS.
NOW, WHERE'S THAT DIRTBAG WHO'S
ABOUT TO INHERIT THIS HOT MESS?
STILL GOT THAT LEFT ELBOW.
>> OHH. OKAY.
LOVE YOU.
>> LOVE YOU, TOO.
>> I'M GONNA HUMP AGAINST SOME
BRIDESMAIDS.
>> TRAVIS.
NICE TO MEET YOU, FINALLY.
I GUESS I'M THE GUY WHO'S
SUPPOSED TO BE MARRYING YOUR
SISTER, RIGHT?
>> NOT ANYMORE. DOREEN'S GONE.
SHE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU IT'S
OVER.
SHE FOUND PICTURES.
LITTLE BOYS?
ARE YOU SERIOUS, YOU SICK FUCK?
>> WHAT? DOREEN!
>> HEY, HEY, HEY, MAN, I'M JUST
JOKING WITH YOU, BRO.
MUCHACHO, WE'RE GONNA BE
BROTHERS, MAN!
>> IT'S A JOKE.
IT'S -- IT'S FUNNY.
>> I KNOW.
LOOK, DOREEN TOLD ME YOU'RE KIND
OF A QUIET GUY, SO THE ANSWER'S
YES -- I'LL BE YOUR BEST MAN.
>> SHE SAID WHAT?
>> BEST MAN!
LOOK, I GOT THE GEAR ON.
I'M READY TO GO, MAN.
LET'S DO IT.
>> NO.
I ALREADY HAVE A BEST MAN.
>> WHERE IS HE?
>> IT'S RICK. HE'S JUST --
>> I'LL TELL YOU WHERE HE
AIN'T -- RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE,
'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE
I'M GONNA BE.
LISTEN, HANK, I KNOW PEOPLE.
ALL RIGHT?
I LOOK AT YOU -- I SEE MAYBE A
LITTLE BIT OF A SHY GUY BUT A
NICE GUY WHO NEEDS A BEST MAN,
AND THAT'S ME.
>> HE'S JUST OUTSIDE.
>> OH. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
YOU NEED SOME BEST-MAN SHIT?
A COUPLE WEEKS AGO, I WAS MAKING
OUT WITH THIS GIRL IN A CAR.
SHE MIGHT HAVE BEEN 16 -- HELL,
I DON'T KNOW, 15.
THERE WAS A FUCKING HIGH-SCHOOL
BIOLOGY BOOK IN THE BACK SEAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
NOW, THAT'S SOME BEST-MAN SHIT.
I AIN'T NEVER TOLD NOBODY THAT.
>> I DON'T NEED TO BE
HEARING THIS.
>> FAMILY BARBECUE A COUPLE
YEARS BACK...
I SHIT MY PANTS A LITTLE BIT.
I BLAMED THE SMELL ON A BABY.
>> LOOK, I REALLY NEED TO --
>> I BAWLED MY EYES OUT AT THE
END OF "MAJOR LEAGUE," WHEN
CHARLIE SHEEN COMES ON THE FIELD
AND EVERYBODY STARTS SINGING
"WILD THING" TO HIM.
>> ALL RIGHT, PLEASE STOP!
JUST STOP!
>> I GOT A THING FOR UGLY
CHINESE WOMEN, I'VE NEVER BEEN
IN A SWIMMING POOL I DIDN'T PISS
IN, AND FLIP-FLOPS FREAK ME THE
FUCK OUT, ALL RIGHT?
THERE YOU GO!
IT'S ALL OUT ON THE TABLE!
YOU KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO
KNOW ABOUT ME, BUDDY.
>> OKAY.
WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?
>> 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT
BEST MEN DO!
RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT.
NICE TALK.
>> I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU HUSBAND
AND WIFE.
YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.
>> YEAH!
YEAH!
>> WHOO!
>> ALL RIGHT!
>> WHOO-HOO!
>> IS THIS THING ON?
CAN YOU GUYS HEAR ME?
ALL RIGHT. UM, HEY.
HEY, HEY.
>> JUST -- RICK, HERE.
TRADE YA, ALL RIGHT?
UH, HEY, EVERYBODY.
SORRY. I'M TRAVIS.
I'M DOREEN'S OLDER BROTHER.
THIS WILL JUST TAKE A SECOND.
UH...DOREEN'S ALL GROWN UP.
YOU KNOW, AFTER OUR MAMA DIED,
DIDN'T TAKE ME LONG TO REALIZE
THAT, UH, I DIDN'T REALLY NEED
TO SPEND TOO MUCH TIME TAKING
CARE OF DOREEN.
SHE WAS ALWAYS THE MORE
RESPONSIBLE ONE.
AND SHE'S TURNED INTO THE
SMARTEST, KINDEST WOMAN I'VE
EVER KNOWN.
BUT WHEN SHE WAS JUST
PINT-SIZED, SHE WAS SCARED TO
DEATH OF THUNDERSTORMS.
AND WHENEVER A BIG ONE WOULD
ROLL THROUGH, SHE'D SLEEP IN MY
BED, AND I'D TELL HER STORIES
AND KEEP HER SAFE.
AND, WELL, HANK, NOW IT'S YOUR
TURN...
TO KEEP HER SAFE FROM THE
STORMS AND HOLD HER WHEN SHE'S
SCARED.
I'M SURE MAMA'S LOOKING DOWN ON
US RIGHT NOW, AND I BET SHE'S
REAL PROUD OF BOTH OF YOU.
SO AM I.
UH...
EARLIER TODAY, GOT A NECKLACE
FOR DOREEN, AND IT CAME WITH A
BLESSING.
I'D LIKE TO READ THAT RIGHT NOW.
TO MY SISTER, DOREEN.
BEAR WITH ME.
IT'S IN PORTUGUESE OR SOMETHING
HERE.
UH..."PARA IS AVERTO SOHO QUAD
MAY US USUA VOS PROTATOS
INFINITIO."
THAT'S THAT.
ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.
LET'S GET DRUNK!
>> DOREEN! SO STRANGE!
ARE YOU OKAY?
>> BABY, ARE YOU OKAY?
AAAH!
>> OHH!
>> AAH! AAH!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
>> AAH! AAH! AAH!
>> RICKY!
DOREEN!
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAH!
NO! NO!
>> SHIT!
>> KEEP PRESSURE ON IT, ALL
RIGHT?
OH, SHIT.
FUCK!
>> JUST RELAX.
WE GOT TO GET HER OUT OF HERE.
GET UP!
>> HELP ME.
>> HANK, GET UP, MAN! GET UP!
WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!
>> I DON'T KNOW, MAN.
I NEVER SEEN ANY SHIT LIKE THAT
BEFORE IN MY LIFE.
DANG IT, TRAVIS. DAMN!
SHE JUST WENT CRAZY.
WHAT THE FUCK?
THE NECKLACE, MAN!
IT WAS SCALDING HOT WHEN I
TOUCHED IT.
>> NO, IT'S YOU -- YOU!
>> HANK?
TRAVIS?
WHY AM I BACK HERE?
>> SIS?
>> DOREEN?
>> WHAT AM I DOING BACK HERE?
>> THANK GOD.
>> JUST GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
>> I GOT TO UNTIE HER.
>> GO, GO, GO, GO, BUDDY.
IT'S GONNA BE OKAY, SIS.
>> I'M GONNA HELP YOU, BABY.
ALL RIGHT. LET ME UNTIE YOU.
AAAAAAAAAAH!
THAT BITCH BIT MY EAR OFF!
WHAT IS IT?
>> HANK!
>> NO!
>> YOU OKAY?
>> AM I OKAY?!
>> GET OVER IT.
SHE WILL NEVER BE YOURS AGAIN.
>> HANG TIGHT.
I TOLD YOU I KNOW A GUY.
>> I DON'T CARE! JUST HURRY!
>> BITCH.
>> HEY, WHAT THE HELL?!
IGGY, MAN, WE NEED YOUR HELP!
>> TRAVIS, MAN, HEY, I'M SORRY.
I ORDERED A PIZZA ABOUT AN HOUR
AGO, AND THE BASTARD STILL
HASN'T SHOWED UP.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAND?
>> SHOW HIM.
>> THIS.
>> AAAH!
>> HOLY SHIT!
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
>> IGGY, WE GOT TO GET HER IN
THE HOUSE, MAN.
>> NO, NO, NO!
NOT IN THE HOUSE! NO!
>> GET HER IN THE HOUSE.
>> DAMN IT.
WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!
>> HIS WIFE.
>> HIS SISTER.
>> OH, SWEET.
>> IGGY...
TROUBLE YOU FOR SOME ICE, MAN?
>> SHE IS TOTALLY SHITTING ALL
OVER MY FêNG SHUI.
>> YOU PICKED UP MY FINGERS?
YOU GOT ANY WHISKEY OR --
>> AAH!
>> TRAVIS...
I WANT TO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
BRINGING YOUR LOVELY SISTER OVER
HERE.
YOU SEE THIS AND THIS AND THIS
AND ALL OF THAT?
I'M SENDING YOU AN ITEMIZED BILL
FOR DAMAGES.
>> WHAT?!
>> AAH, AAH, AAH!
I AM A COLLECTOR OF RARE AND
UNIQUE ITEMS.
YOU CAN'T JUST GO BUY THIS
STUFF.
I HAVE TO SPECIAL-ORDER THESE
THINGS.
OH, AND WHAT IF SHE HAD BROKEN
MY VELVET PAINTING OF THE
REDHEAD SURFING ON A HAMMERHEAD
SHARK?
HUH?! HUH?! HUH?!
WHAT THEN, HUH?!
I'M TELLING YOU, YOU CANNOT
REPLACE THIS!
I LOVE THIS PAINTING!
>> IT'S A SWEET-ASS PAINTING,
MAN.
>> HEY, LOOK, WE DIDN'T COME
HERE TO MESS UP YOUR PLACE, IG.
TRAVIS TOLD ME THAT YOU COULD
TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY
WIFE.
SO, CAN YOU?
>> OH.
YEAH.
SHE'S FUCKING POSSESSED.
SHE'S SIX KINDS OF CRAZY.
>> HEY, YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH!
THAT'S MY WIFE YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT!
>> OH. WELL, CONGRATULATIONS.
LISTEN, KID, NO MATTER WHAT
ANYBODY SAYS, MARRIAGE IS TOUGH
WORK.
>> YEAH, I'VE BEEN INFORMED.
>> LOOK, IG, I'M SORRY, ALL
RIGHT?
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WAS GONNA
HAPPEN.
BUT WH--
I MEAN, HANK HERE WOULD BE HAPPY
TO TAKE CARE OF THAT ITEMIZED
BILL OR WHATEVER.
HERE. LOOK, MAN.
I BROUGHT YOU THIS.
YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE
THAT?
>> OOH.
OH. OH. HOLD IT.
>> UH, WHAT?
CREEPY-ASS BOOK, MAN.
>> YEAH. THIS CRAZY BROAD THAT
I WAS DATING GAVE IT TO ME.
SHE WAS INTO ASPHYXIATION.
>> NICE.
>> SO, WHAT'D YOU DO?
>> I CHOKED HER.
AH! THERE IT IS.
THE INCULTA DEMON.
OH-HO-HO.
YOU GUYS HAVE OUTDONE YOURSELF.
THIS BITCH IS ONE CRAZY
DICK-CHEWER.
SHE'S BEEN SEEN IN PARIS,
TOKYO, IRELAND.
IT WAS EVEN RUMORED THAT SHE
TAUGHT GENE SIMMONS HOW TO SPIT
FIRE.
>> OH, WHOA.
>> AND THIS DEMON WORKS QUICK.
72 HOURS, YOU HAVE VERY LITTLE
CHANCE OF EVER GETTING
SUSIE HOMEWRECKER'S SOUL BACK.
>> WELL, YOU GOT TO FIX HER!
I MEAN, YOU GOT TO HELP HER!
>> I'M NOT INTO EXORCISM, MAN.
BUT, UH, THERE'S THIS GUY --
UH, JOHNNY PRIEST. YEAH.
HE'S THE ONLY GUY I KNOW THAT'S
EVER DONE THIS ON THE DOWNLOW.
AND THIS CAT HAS SEEN SOME SHIT,
I WILL TELL YOU.
ONCE HE GOT HIS NIPPLE SPLIT IN
HALF BY A FORKED-TONGUE DEMON.
>> DAMN.
>> AND ONE TIME HE EVEN DID AN
EXORCISM ON A PLANE -- A FUCKING
PLANE!
BUT, UM...
YEAH, NOW HE'S JUST DOING
SHOTGUN WEDDINGS IN VEGAS.
I DON'T KNOW.
PROBABLY GOT HIS BRAIN FRIED --
TOO MANY EXORCISMS, ECSTASY, TOO
MANY ERECTIONS.
NOBODY GETS LAID LIKE AN
EXORCISM PRIEST.
>> NO SHIT?
>> YEAH.
THIS GUY CAN'T BE REAL.
>> HE'S REAL AS SANTA CLAUS.
>> VEGAS IT IS, MAN.
I'LL GO START THE VAN.
YOU GET DOREEN.
>> HOLD IT.
HERE.
THESE ARE HIGH-DOSAGE PROPOFOL
SYRINGES.
THIS WILL STOP BIGFOOT ON A
CRYSTAL-METH BENDER.
THE TRICK IS YOU GOT TO STAB THE
CRAZY BITCH WITH 'EM.
>> HEY.
>> PARDON ME.
POKE THE BEAUTIFUL BRIDE.
>> ANY TIME, FELLAS.
>> YOU'RE IT, MAN.
>> SHIT.
EASY.
EASY, NOW.
AAAAH!
>> GOOD JOB, MAN.
>> ALL RIGHT.
THOSE SYRINGES SHOULD GIVE YOU A
COUPLE HOURS OF QUIET TIME, BUT
USE THEM WISELY.
>> THANKS, BRODIAN.
>> YEAH.
LISTEN, WE REALLY APPRECIATE
THIS.
I'M SORRY WE FUCKED UP YOUR
HOUSE A LITTLE BIT.
>> WELL, THE FIRST TIME I SAW
YOU, I SOCKED YOU IN THE FACE.
CAN'T ALWAYS SAY SOMETHING LIKE
THAT.
ALL RIGHT. GOOD LUCK. TAKE CARE.
YOU GET IN TROUBLE, DON'T CALL
ME.
>> YOU GOT IT.
>> THAT'LL BE $16.24.
>> KEEP THE CHANGE.
>> I'M GONNA BE AN 8-FINGER
WIDOW.
>> IT'S "WIDOWER."
AND DON'T TALK LIKE THAT, MAN.
I'M NOT GONNA LET MY SISTER DIE.
>> WHAT -- ALL OF A SUDDEN,
YOU CARE?
YOU HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER IN
FIVE YEARS, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,
YOU SHOW UP AND YOU'RE SUPERMAN?
>> LOOK, I'M JUST TRYING TO STAY
POSITIVE HERE, ALL RIGHT?
YOU NEED TO DO THE SAME THING.
>> WHAT, YOU DON'T THINK I'M
TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
>> YOU MADE A COMMITMENT.
WHAT IF YOU LOST YOUR JOB OR
DOREEN GOT FAT OR ONE OF YOUR
KIDS, UH, DIDN'T PASS 2nd GRADE?
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO -- JUST
GET UP AND RUN?
>> WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT?
>> I'M TALKING ABOUT
MARRIAGE, MAN.
MARRIAGE IS WORK.
>> OH, YEAH.
LET'S JUST SKIP THIS WHOLE VEGAS
TRIP, HUH?
YOU CAN JUST DROP US OFF AT
COUPLES' THERAPY.
>> FOR BETTER OR WORSE, RIGHT?
>> SAVE IT, ALL RIGHT?
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THOUGHT THE WORST THING YOU
COULD DO WAS ABANDON DOREEN.
BUT NO -- YOU POSSESSED HER.
>> WHOA, WHOA.
HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS GONNA
POSSESS HER, ALL RIGHT?
AND I DIDN'T ABANDON HER,
GOD DAMN IT.
I HAD A LOT OF SHIT GOING ON
THEN, ALL RIGHT?
>> HER MOTHER DIED.
AND HER BIG BROTHER JUST WALKED
OFF WITH SOME FLOOZY?
>> IT'S NOT WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE,
ALL RIGHT?
>> AND SHE SAID THAT HER BIG
BROTHER WAS GONNA COME BACK AND
GET HER, AND YOU NEVER EVEN
FRICKING CALLED.
SO, I HOPE THAT PIECE OF ASS WAS
WORTH THE SOUL OF YOUR SISTER.
AND DON'T COME IN HERE PLAYING
HERO, SAYING, "I'M GONNA SAVE
THE DAY."
I HATE THAT SHIT...
BECAUSE YOU COULDN'T SAVE A
PIECE OF BACON FROM A VEGAN
DINNER PARTY.
JUST MADE THAT UP.
>> OH, REALLY? REALLY?
I SAVED YOUR FINGERS, YOU LITTLE
FUCKER, DIDN'T I?
>> WOW.
>> AND THAT PIECE OF ASS -- I
MARRIED HER, ALL RIGHT?
YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT SHIT, DID
YOU?
I NEVER TOLD DOREEN ABOUT IT.
I NEVER TOLD ANYBODY.
AFTER OUR MAMA DIED, I WAS
JUST -- FUCK, MAN, I WAS JUST SO
GODDAMN LONELY AND FUCKING HURT.
I WAS CONFUSED, MAN.
I BARELY REMEMBER MY DADDY.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHO THE HELL I
WAS.
AND THEN BELLA CAME ALONG, MAN.
FUCK, SHE CHANGED MY LIFE, YOU
KNOW?
SHE WAS LIKE THE GIRL OF MY
DREAMS.
SHE WAS JUST SO FUCKING COOL AND
H-H-HOT.
SHE HAD PERFECT TITTIES, MAN,
LIKE TWO LITTLE SCOOPS OF
VANILLA ICE CREAM, YOU KNOW?
I JUST WANTED TO LICK THEM ALL
THE TIME.
AND SHE GAVE THE BEST FUCKING
PULLING SQUIRTS, BRO.
BUT SHE MADE ME WAIT TILL OUR
WEDDING NIGHT, RIGHT, TO MOUNT
THAT --
>> OKAY! ALL RIGHT!
TRAVIS, I DON'T CARE.
IN CASE YOU FORGOT, DOREEN IS
POSSESSED!
>> YEAH?!
WELL, MY WIFE HAD A DICK!
>> WHAT?
>> I'M NOT GONNA SAY IT AGAIN.
>> SH--
SHE HAD A WHAT?
>> A DICK!
JESUS, MAN!
THE WHOLE THING WAS JUST A
GODDAMN LIE!
ALL THE FUCKING TUGGIES AND
MOUTH SEX WAS JUST A PLOY FOR
HER TO GET CITIZENSHIP, MAN.
SHE NEVER EVEN LOVED ME!
THAT'S THE WORST GODDAMN PART,
MAN.
SHE JUST USED ME -- TOOK
ADVANTAGE OF A WEAK MAN WHO
LIKED TO HAVE HIS PENIS PULLED.
>> YOU GOT TO REMEMBER, YOU
COULD HAVE CAME BACK.
>> YOU DON'T THINK I TRIED,
MAN?!
I COULDN'T COME BACK.
I WAS TOO GODDAMN EMBARRASSED.
MY MAMA JUST DIED, AND I RAN OFF
WITH A CHICK WITH A DICK THE
SIZE OF A FUCKING PRINGLES CAN.
HOW DO YOU COME BACK FROM
SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
I LEFT MY SISTER, MY LIFE,
EVERYTHING.
FOR WHAT?
FOR A LIE -- FOR A GODDAMN
FUCKING LIE!
>> JUST CALM DOWN! I-IT'S OKAY.
JUST CALM DOWN.
>> DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN,
GOD DAMN IT!
I'M CALM!
>> ALL RIGHT.
PEOPLE GET MANIPULATED.
IN HIGH SCHOOL, I WAS A DORK.
>> LIKE I DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW
THAT.
THAT'S NOT A FUCKING SECRET.
YOU'RE A DORK RIGHT NOW,
MOTHERFUCKER.
>> LISTEN. LISTEN.
THERE WAS THIS CHEERLEADER --
CAPTAIN.
HER NAME WAS STACY JACOBSON.
SHE ASKED ME TO PROM.
>> NO SHIT. WAS SHE HOT?
>> OH, GOD DAMN.
>> RIGHT ON. OKAY. GO AHEAD.
>> AND SO, YOU KNOW, IN HIGH
SCHOOL, I WAS THIS OUTSIDER, AND
ALL OF A SUDDEN, I STARTED TO
BECOME POPULAR WITH THE
IN CROWD, ACCEPTED.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
THE WHOLE THING WAS
A GODDAMN BET.
BROKE ME DOWN.
AND IT WAS JUST BECAUSE HER
FRIENDS DIDN'T THINK THEY COULD
MAKE ME PROM KING.
>> B-U-DOUBLE-L-SHIT, MAN.
THAT'S JUST THE PLOT OF EVERY
FUCKING TEEN MOVIE THEY EVER
MADE.
>> OKAY. YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M SORRY, BUT, YOU KNOW, I
REALLY DON'T HAVE ANYTHING THAT
COULD COMPARE TO A TRANNY WITH A
DICK.
BUT...
YOU GOT TO REALIZE SOMETHING.
ALL THE WRONGS...
YOU CAN MAKE RIGHT.
>> YEAH. STAY POSITIVE, MAN.
STAY POSITIVE. THAT'S RIGHT.
WE CAN SAVE DOREEN.
WE CAN FUCKING SAVE DOREEN!
>> HELL, YEAH, BABY!
>> FUCK, YEAH!
>> FUCKIN' RIGHT!
>> FUCK, YEAH!
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PULL OVER
FIRST, THOUGH.
MY GIRL NEEDS GO-GO JUICE.
LISTEN, MAN, I'M -- I'M SORRY
ABOUT LAYING ALL THAT SHIT ON
YOU, YOU KNOW?
YOU DIDN'T NEED TO HEAR ALL THAT
ABOUT MY EX-WIFE AND EVERYTHING.
>> YOU MEAN THE ONE WITH THE
DICK?
>> YEAH, HANK -- THAT ONE.
THANK YOU.
DON'T SAY NOTHING TO DOREEN
ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT?
I DON'T WANT HER FINDING OUT.
>> YEAH. I GUESS THAT WOULD BE
EMBARRASSING.
>> EMBARRASSING?
DID SHE BREAK YOUR HEART,
TRAVIS?
>> SHE'S UP AGAIN.
>> NO SHIT, DUDE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
>> SHOULD WE SEDATE HER?
I DON'T -- IS THAT SAFE?
>> SAFE FOR WHO?
>> DOREEN, YOU IDIOT!
>> GO BACK THERE AND DUCT-TAPE
HER AGAIN.
>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT -- YOU GO
BACK THERE AND DUCT-TAPE HER,
ALL RIGHT?
>> YOU WANT ME TO FUCKING CRASH
THE CAR?
>> I'LL DRIVE!
>> NO.
YOU'RE NOT DRIVING MY VAN.
>> HEY, TRAVIS, YOUR MOTHER'S IN
HELL WITH US.
>> SHUT YOUR HOLE, DEVIL!
>> SO IS DOREEN.
>> DAMN IT! I SAID, "ZIP IT!"
>> WHY DON'T YOU COME BACK HERE?
FUCK ME.
>> OH, SHIT.
>> OOH.
YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.
I HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED,
TRAVIS...
YOUR MOTHER, YOUR SISTER, YOUR
DICK.
>> WHAT THE FUCK?!
YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A
J.C. PENNEY MODEL!
>> SHUT U-U-U-U-U-U-U-P!
NO. NO, NO. NO! STOP, PLEASE!
>> DAMN IT, HANK!
HELL, HOLD HER DOWN!
HEY, BREATHE, MAN! BREATHE!
I'LL DO IT.
AAAAAAAAH!
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
>> I HAD A PANIC ATTACK.
>> YOU THINK I DON'T PANIC?!
BUT I MANAGED TO PULL IT
TOGETHER AND GET SHIT DONE!
YOU PULL THAT AGAIN, YOU'RE
GONNA BE ON THE SIDE OF THE
ROAD.
>> TRAVIS --
>> DON'T "TRAVIS" ME!
YOU GOT A WASHROOM?
>> DO YOU REMEMBER
THE FIRST TIME...
I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU?
YOU WERE GARDENING OUTSIDE, AND
YOU WERE COVERED IN DIRT.
I'M TALKING HEAD-TO-TOE COVERED
IN DIRT.
AND YOU PUT A LITTLE DIRT
MUSTACHE ON YOU AND A LITTLE
GOATEE MUSTACHE ON YOU.
AND YOU WALKED UP TO ME, AND YOU
ASKED ME TO CALL YOU "ROLANDO."
AND THEN YOU KISSED ME.
BABY, I LOVE YOU.
AND I MISS YOU.
AND I JUST WANT THINGS TO GO
BACK TO, YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY
WERE SIMPLE, AND YOU'D PROBABLY
JUST LAUGH AT ME AND TELL ME TO
RELAX.
I'M GONNA FAIL WITHOUT YOU
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
SUCCEED...
WITHOUT YOU.
SO, IF YOU'RE IN THERE AND YOU
CAN HEAR ANY OF THIS...
BABY GIRL, I JUST WANT YOU TO
COME HOME.
JUST COME HOME, BABY GIRL.
>> HI.
SUDOKU. I LIKE THAT.
>> HEY, UM, IS YOUR FRIEND OKAY?
HE'S LOOKING LIKE HIS ARM'S KIND
OF JACKED UP.
>> OH, YEAH, YEAH.
HE, UH -- HE'S A TEST PILOT, AND
HE JUST HURT HIS FINGERS IN A
GARDENING ACCIDENT.
THE THING IS WE'RE TRYING TO GET
CROSS-COUNTRY TO SEE A
SPECIALIST, YOU KNOW?
BUT WE'RE A LITTLE SHORT ON
CASH, SO, UH...
HOW MUCH GASOLINE YOU THINK WE
CAN GET FOR 20 BUCKS?
>> $20 WORTH.
>> HOW MUCH CAN YOU REALLY GIVE?
>> $20 WORTH.
>> SWEET GIRL.
>> UM, YOUR VAN'S DRIVING OFF.
>> YEAH.
HANK!
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
>> FINGERS, FINGERS, FINGERS,
FINGERS!
>> DON'T DO DRUGS!
TRAVIS, LET'S GO!
COME ON!
>> DUDE, YOUR FINGERS!
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT!
SAFETY FIRST!
OH, CHECK IT OUT!
>> CUT IT OUT, MAN.
THIS CAR HANDLES LIKE A DREAM.
>> THIS VAN'S THE BOOBS.
I KIND OF FEEL BAD PISSING IN
IT, THOUGH.
>> HEY.
HEY, HEY, HEY, NO PISSING, MAN.
STOP -- STOP THE URINE.
STOP THE URINE.
>> ROAD SODA?
>> YEAH, YEAH. ROAD SODA.
AH, SO GOOD.
>> DID YOU HEAR SOMETHING?
>> I THINK IT WAS THE RADIO.
>> I THINK I'M TWEAKING, MAN.
I'M TWEAKING.
HEY, HEY, I'M TWEAKING.
THERE'S A LADY BACK THERE.
THERE'S NO LADY, MAN.
>> THERE IS!
>> THERE'S NO -- NO, THERE'S NO
LADY.
>> DUDE, CHECK IT OUT!
>> THERE'S A LADY BACK THERE,
MAN!
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!
GO CHECK IT OUT.
>> OH-HO! A LADY!
HO-HO!
I THINK THOSE GUYS SLIPPED THIS
CHICK A ROOFIE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE GUYS
WERE PLANNING ON DOING TO YOU,
SWEETHEART, BUT DON'T WORRY --
WE ARE GENTLEMEN.
>> HEY, HEY, I WANT TO SEE, MAN.
HEY, ARE HER EARS PIERCED?
>> YEAH, BUDDY -- PIERCED EARS.
>> THAT IS SO HOT.
>> YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!
OH, WHAT'S THAT YOU GOT THERE?
IS THAT A LITTLE VOMIT ON YOUR
FACE?
AH, THAT'S MY KIND OF GIRL.
DO YOU, DRUNK, PASSED-OUT BRIDE,
TAKE ME TO BE YOUR LAWFUL
HUSBAND?
I DO!
OHH. I DO, TOO.
MARRY US, GATOR.
>> FROM THE POWER INVESTED
INSIDE OF ME, I ANNOUNCE YOU TO
BE MAN AND WIFE.
YOU CAN KISS THE BRIDE NOW.
>> OHH.
THANK GOD I FOUND YOU.
OHH! OHH!
>> DUDE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO SIT
THE FUCK DOWN.
IT SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA.
HEY.
HEY. I'M GATOR.
>> ARE YOU A PRIEST?
>> NO, NO. I'M NOT A PRIEST.
HEY, YOU'VE GOT NICE HAIR.
I WISH THOSE LITTLE BASTARDS HAD
MOPEDS OR SOMETHING!
>> WE GOT TO FIGURE SOMETHING
ELSE OUT!
WE'RE NOT GONNA CATCH THEM LIKE
THIS!
>> SHUSH! SHE'S TALKING TO ME!
>> WHO? DOREEN?
YOU GUYS CAN DO THAT?
>> NO, YOU IDIOT -- BLACK MAMA!
>> YEAH, I HEAR HER, TOO!
SHE'S SAYING, "I'M BLACK MAMA!
I'M BIG! I'M BLACK! I'M SLUTTY!"
>> YOU WATCH WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT
MY VAN!
SHOW SOME RESPECT!
NO! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!
>> WHAT IS THAT -- DOREEN?!
DOREEN!
>> AAAAAH!
>> SON OF A BITCH!
>> SHE BIT MY EAR OFF!
>> WHAT'S WHAT YOU GET,
GOD DAMN IT!
>> HA HA! I GOT HER!
NO! AAAAAAAH!
STOP IT! HELP ME! TRAVIS!
HURRY!
>> YOU GOT TO DO IT.
KEEP HER A SECOND.
>> AAH! OH, NO! NO!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
AAH! AAH!
ARE YOU FUCKING SICK?!
>> RELAX! I'M ON TO SOMETHING!
>> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
>> HEY, SIS.
DOWN THE CHUTE, DOREEN.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
IS IT BAD, MAN?
TELL ME IT'S NOT BAD.
TELL ME! TELL ME!
>> WELL, YOU GOT SOME FRONT-END
DAMAGE, PLUS YOU WERE TOWED.
WITH ALL THE BLOOD AND MESS WE
GOT TO CLEAN OUT OF IT, IT'S
GONNA COST YOU JUST A LITTLE
OVER A "G."
>> A WHAT?!
I AIN'T GOT THAT KIND OF MONEY
ON ME, MAN!
HANK, YOU GOT THAT KIND OF CASH
ON YOU?!
>> NOT ON ME, MAN.
I MEAN, I SPENT IT ALL ON GAS
AND FRICKIN' PAINKILLERS.
>> SHIT!
>> SO, WHAT DO YOU FELLAS WANT
ME TO DO?
>> I NEED YOU TO FIX IT, ALL
RIGHT?!
WE NEED IT!
I'M TRYING TO GET AN EXORCISM
FOR MY WIFE, AND, WELL, FIX IT,
ALL RIGHT?!
>> ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL HAVE IT READY BY THE END
OF THE DAY FOR YOU FELLAS.
>> THANK YOU!
BE GENTLE WITH HER --
YOU HEAR ME?! --
LIKE SHE'S YOUR OWN!
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, HANK?!
EVEN IF WE POOL OUR MONEY, WE
AIN'T GOT ENOUGH TO MAKE IT TO
VEGAS, LET ALONE FIX PAM!
>> HEY!
>> AH, MY MAIN MAN, EASY!
>> LISTEN! LISTEN!
YOU CHILL OUT!
YOU MAN UP!
YOU MAN THE FUCK UP!
>> I AM A MAN!
I'M A MAN WHO'S IN LOVE WITH A
WOMAN, AND THE WOMAN IS THAT
VAN, AND SHE'S DYING
ON ME, HANK!
YOU HEAR ME?!
DAMN IT!
>> SHIT.
>> DAMN IT! SHIT!
>> SHE'S SO FAST!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
>> GOOD JOB.
>> OH, OH, OH!
>> GOD DAMN IT!
COME ON, DOREEN! STOP!
>> GOOD JOB, BUDDY.
COME ON.
HOLY HELL! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
LOOK! CASH PRIZES, MAN!
SHE TOLD ME YOU USED TO BE A
CHAMPION!
HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE, RIGHT?
>> YEAH. THAT -- THAT WAS BEFORE
I LOST TWO FINGERS, THOUGH!
>> AND PART OF YOUR EAR.
WHAT'S THAT MATTER, MAN?!
WE NEED MONEY! LET'S DO THIS!
>> NO. THIS IS FUCKING STUPID.
COME ON.
>> COME ON.
WE GOT TO GET THE VAN.
SHE'S GOING THIS WAY ANYWAYS.
LET'S NOT FIGHT IT, BUDDY.
IT'S A SIGN. COME ON.
IT'S ON.
>> LET'S DO THIS FOR DOREEN,
HUH?
>> ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY.
>> STAY PUT, BABY.
BE RIGHT BACK.
>> ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE!
LET'S EXCITED FOR BEACH
VOLLEYBALL!
WHOO!
BEST GAME, 2 OUT OF 3.
EACH MATCH TO 15.
ARE YOU READY?!
YEAH!
>> TRAVIS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
YOU GOT TO WAKE UP, TRAVIS!
YOU GOT TO WAKE UP!
TAKE IT OUT ON THAT BITCH!
YOU BRING IT HOME!
THIS IS IT -- YOUR MOMENT!
REDEMPTION!
>> I'M ON IT!
>> SHIT!
>> I NEVER WON A TROPHY BEFORE.
>> NOT EVEN IN LITTLE LEAGUE?
>> NEVER PLAYED.
>> YOU KNOW, MY DAD WAS A COACH.
I PLAYED, AND I FUCKING HATED
IT.
>> MY DAD WAS AN ASSHOLE --
STOLE FROM HIS OWN FAMILY.
>> YOU KNOW, YOU CAN TALK ABOUT
IT.
>> NO, MAN.
>> NO, SERIOUSLY.
YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IT.
>> LOOK, IF YOU'RE JUST TRYING
TO GET ME TO ADMIT I'M A LOSER
OR SOMETHING, IT AIN'T GONNA
HAPPEN, HANK.
>> HEY, NO LOSER COULD BUILD A
LEASH FOR DOREEN, AND NO LOSER
COULD SPIKE A VOLLEYBALL LIKE
THAT.
>> YOU'RE RIGHT, MAN.
I JUST HAD SHITTY ROLE MODELS,
YOU KNOW?
MY DADDY LEFT RIGHT AFTER I WAS
BORN, ONLY TO COME BACK 7 YEARS
LATER AND DO THE SAME DAMN THING
TO DOREEN.
>> LIKE A CICADA.
>> I WAS KIND OF THINKING LIKE
AN ASSHOLE FATHER, BUT, YEAH,
CICADA WORKS.
>> SORRY.
>> SHIT OF IT IS I'M STARTING TO
FEEL JUST LIKE HIM, MAN -- SHOW
BACK UP JUST TO RUIN HER WHOLE
LIFE.
>> HEY, LOOK, THAT'S NOT HOW IT
HAPPENED.
>> THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT
HAPPENED, HANK.
>> YOU'RE NOT AN ASSHOLE BECAUSE
YOU HAD A SHITTY FATHER.
YOUR FATHER WAS AN ASSHOLE
BECAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE SOMEONE
LIKE YOU AROUND.
>> THANKS, HANK.
YOU'RE A GOOD GUY.
>> I TRY TO BE.
>> BUT YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT RIGHT
NOW, LITTLE BUDDY.
I FEEL LIKE SHIT.
I HAVEN'T GOT SLEEP IN, WHAT,
30 HOURS?
I COULD USE SOME SLEEP.
>> I GOT YOUR BACK, LITTLE
BUDDY.
WHEN WE GO PICK UP BLACK MAMA,
YOU GET SOME SHUT-EYE.
I'LL TAKE THE FIRST ROUND.
COME ON.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?
>> THE INCULTA DEMON.
>> YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
AND I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.
>> YEAH? LIKE WHAT?
>> ANYTHING.
>> AAH!
>> WHAT THE FUCK?!
>> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
AAH! AAH! AAH!
AAH! AAH!
AAAH! DOREEN!
SEDATE HER!
DOREEN, PLEASE STOP!
>> I GOT IT!
>> FUCK!
>> HERE WE GO!
>> HANK, SORRY, MAN.
OH, MAN.
SIS?
WHOA.
OHH. WHOA.
HI, DOREEN!
IT'S ME!
HELLO, HANK!
OH, DOREEN!
COME HERE AND GIVE ME A KISS!
I LOVE YOU!
COME ON!
GOOD NIGHT!
SHIT.
AAH-AAH!
OH, SHIT.
NO. DAMN.
UH...WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
>> OH, MORNING, SWEETHEART.
>> OH, MY GOD. I FEEL AWFUL.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?
>> OH, I HIT A POTHOLE WHILE YOU
WERE SLEEPING, MAN.
YOU BANGED THE HELL OUT OF YOUR
HEAD.
>> THAT'S SOME POTHOLE.
JESUS CHRIST.
MY FUCKING HEAD IS SPLITTING.
>> YEAH. YEAH.
WE'RE ALMOST TO VEGAS, THOUGH,
MAN.
>> WHY ARE THERE SCRATCHES ALL
OVER MY FACE?!
>> I'M PRETTY SURE YOUR FACE WAS
ALREADY LIKE THAT, MAN.
>> MY FACE WASN'T ALWAYS
LIKE THIS!
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?!
>> WHAT DO YOU -- WHAT DO YOU
WANT ME TO SAY, MAN?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE A
SLEEPWALKER.
YOU CHALLENGED DOREEN TO A FIGHT
WHILE YOU WERE OUT, MAN.
IT WAS GRUESOME, TOO.
I DON'T MEAN TO TOOT MY OWN HORN
OR ANYTHING, BUT I DID JUMP IN
AND SAVE THE DAY.
HEY, MAN, LOOK. LOOK.
THERE YOU GO. FOR YOU, BUDDY.
>> WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
>> IT'S A BALL GAG, MAN.
>> WOW. I SEE THAT YOU'VE BEEN
SHOPPING OFF OUR REGISTRY.
THANKS, BUDDY.
>> IT'S FOR DOREEN, SO SHE
DOESN'T BITE ANYTHING ELSE OFF.
>> OH.
THAT'S PRETTY GENIUS, BUDDY.
>> YEAH. I'M THINKING, MAN --
LOOKING OUT FOR YOU.
YOU GOT TO PUT IT ON HER,
THOUGH, YOU KNOW?
IT'S IMPERATIVE ONE OF US KEEP
ALL OUR DIGITS, FOR DRIVING
PURPOSES AND ALL.
YOU GOT LESS TO LOSE.
>> VEGAS, MAN -- MY SECOND
FAVORITE BITCH!
>> HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED
TO FIND A PRIEST IN A CITY
THAT'S FILLED WITH, I DON'T
KNOW, A MILLION PEOPLE?
>> WELL, MAN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
RELAX, ALL RIGHT?
I WAS WORRIED ABOUT GETTING
HERE, OKAY?
AND WE'RE GONNA FIND HIM.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
WHERE YOU WANT TO START?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
WHERE THE HELL DO YOU THINK A
PRIEST WOULD HIDE IN SIN CITY?
>> HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT
CHAPELS, RIGHT?
THERE'S A WHOLE SHIT TON OF 'EM
ON THE OTHER END OF TOWN RIGHT
DOWN THERE.
>> SO, YOU MEAN GO TO EVERY
WEDDING CHAPEL AND ASK FOR
JOHNNY PRIEST?
>> AH, SHIT.
THIS SHIT AIN'T FUCKING
WORKING, MAN!
WE'VE BEEN DRIVING AROUND FOR
TWO GODDAMN HOURS!
HE'S A STREET PREACHER.
WE NEED TO GET OUT ON THE STREET
TO FIND HIM!
>> BUT WHAT THE HELL ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO DO WITH DOREEN, HUH?
>> THAT BITCH CAN'T HOLD HER
LIQUOR.
>> OHH.
HANK, HELP ME OUT, MAN.
>> YOU ALL RIGHT?
>> GETTING TIRED.
GETTING A BACK SPASM OR
SOMETHING.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIND A
HOTEL, MAN.
>> WHAT'S OUR BEST BET, YOU
THINK?
LET'S GO BACK TO THE VAN.
GET HER HEAD.
>> YEAH, I GOT IT.
>> YOU GOT IT?
>> YEP, YEP, YEP, YEP, YEP, YEP,
YEP.
>> ROOM US.
>> SO, WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE
GROOM?
>> OH, THAT'S HILARIOUS.
CAN YOU JUST GIVE US A ROOM SO
WE CAN BE ON OUR WAY, BUD?
>> YOU TWO SEEM TO BE IN
TROUBLE.
I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP.
>> YOU AIN'T JOHNNY THE PRIEST,
ARE YOU?
>> NOPE.
>> WELL...
>> YEAH? WELL, THEN, YOU CAN'T
HELP US, BUDDY.
>> HE DID MARRY ME AND MY WIFE
10 YEARS AGO.
>> NO SHIT. WHERE?
>> IN SOME SHITTY PLACE --
PURPLE PALACE CHURCH, RIGHT OFF
THE STRIP.
>> GOD DAMN! PERFECT, MAN!
WE PUT HER IN THE ROOM, GO GET
THE PRIEST, AND WE GET DOREEN
BACK.
>> LET'S DO IT.
NOT HOW YOU EXPECTED TO SPEND
YOUR HONEYMOON, HUH?
WAIT. YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THOSE
GUYS THAT HIDES UNDER THAT MEEK
EXTERIOR WITH SOME LITTLE SEXUAL
WAITING TO COME OUT, ARE YOU?
DOREEN AND YOU AIN'T INTO THIS
SHIT, RIGHT?
DON'T EVEN TELL ME ABOUT IT.
>> DO YOU EVER STOP?
JESUS.
LET'S JUST GO FIND JOHNNY.
>> WHAT'S YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM,
MAN?
BE RIGHT BACK, SIS.
>> HEY, MAN.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR A GUY NAMED
JOHNNY PRIEST.
YOU HEARD OF HIM?
>> YEAH. HE'S HANGING OUT WITH
MY BUDDIES HAMILTON AND JACKSON.
>> WELL, DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE
COULD FIND HIM?
>> WHY DON'T YOU CHECK YOUR
WALLET, MAN?
>> FUCK YOU, MAN.
THANKS FOR NOTHING.
>> JOHNNY PRIEST!
JOHNNY PRIEST!
JOHNNY PRIEST?!
>> HEY, JOHNNY!
>> JOHNNY PRIEST!
>> WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
>> HI. WHERE'S JOHNNY?
>> WE NEED TO TALK TO
JOHNNY PRIEST.
>> JOHNNY? OH, I'M SORRY.
>> NO, NO, NO.
LOOK, YOU AIN'T GOT TO BE SORRY,
ALL RIGHT?
JUST GO GET JOHNNY.
IT'S IMPORTANT.
>> I'M SORRY.
JOHNNY IS NO LONGER WITH US.
>> WAIT. WH-WHAT DOES THAT
MEAN -- HE'S, LIKE, NO LONGER
HERE OR NO LONGER HERE, AS IN
"LIVING"?
>> HE LEFT OUR CHURCH SEVERAL
YEARS AGO TO FIGHT EVIL IN THE
WORLD AMONG US, AND WE RECEIVED
NEWS SHORTLY THEREAFTER THAT HE
PASSED ON.
>> OHH.
HEY, CAN YOU PERFORM AN
EXORCISM?
>> EXCUSE ME?
>> CAN YOU GET DEMONS OUT, LADY?
>> UM, NO. I'M SORRY.
WE DON'T DO THAT HERE.
>> UGH! SHIT! WHY NOT?!
GOD!
>> GOD BLESS.
>> HANK, MAN, HEY. HEY. HEY.
CALM DOWN. LOOK, I'M SORRY.
>> NO. NO.
>> I'M SORRY.
>> YOU'RE DONE, TRAVIS!
>> DON'T TALK LIKE THAT, MAN.
>> NO, NO.
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN SAY, AND
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO.
I MEAN...
I LOST MY WIFE.
>> LOOK, MAN, WE CAN'T FUCKING
GIVE UP.
THERE'S A MILLION GODDAMN
CHURCHES IN THIS TOWN.
WE CAN FIND SOMEBODY WHO CAN
HELP HER.
>> NO.
>> IF NOTHING ELSE, AT THE
HOSPITAL, YOU CAN GET PATCHED UP
OR THEY -- THEY CAN SEDATE HER
FOR GOOD.
I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, BUT WE
CAN'T GODDAMN QUIT.
>> NO, I'M DONE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.
AND ALL I WANT TO DO...
IS GO SPEND THE LAST FEW MOMENTS
WITH MY WIFE.
AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU
THERE.
IN FACT...
I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN,
TRAVIS.
>> COME ON, BROTHER.
>> NO. NO.
DON'T YOU "BROTHER" ME, OKAY?
CALL ME "BROSEPH," WHATEVER THE
FUCK YOU CALL ME.
THEY'RE ALL FUCKING ASININE.
'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOU AT THE
WEDDING.
I SHOULD HAVE NEVER...
NEVER...
LET YOU WEASEL YOUR WAY BACK
INTO DOREEN'S LIFE.
BUT YOU DIDN'T FUCK UP, TRAVIS.
I DID.
>> I SEE. YEAH.
IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU, HUH?
POOR FUCKING HANK.
WHAT ABOUT DOREEN?
I AIN'T GONNA GIVE UP ON HER.
I SWORE TO GOD TO MY MOM THAT
I'D TAKE CARE OF HER, AND THAT'S
EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO,
WHICH MEANS I'M NOT GONNA LET
HER SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE
WITH A NO-GOOD FUCKING QUITTER
LIKE YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU GO HAVE ANOTHER
FUCKING PANIC ATTACK, YOU LITTLE
PUSSY?
GO ON!
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON THOSE
FUCKING PILLS!
COME ON, GOD DAMN IT.
>> COP!
>> GET DOWN!
CHECK HIS POCKETS.
>> WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE, BABY.
>> WHAT'S HE GOT?
>> NO WALLET.
FINGERS.
SICK FUCK!
>> FUCK THIS, MAN.
>> LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
>> HANG ON, HANK!
OH, SHIT!
LET ME S-- OH, FUCK, MAN!
YOU OKAY, BUDDY?
YOU OKAY?
HANK, HANK, HANK, YOU'RE ALL
RIGHT, MAN.
HANG IN THERE.
HANG IN THERE, BUDDY.
COME ON. COME ON. I GOT YOU.
I GOT YOU, GOD DAMN IT.
HE-E-E-LP M-E-E-E!
HANK, DON'T GO TO SLEEP, MAN.
HANK, STAY WITH ME, BUDDY!
STAY WITH ME!
COME ON!
YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, MAN!
YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
>> FOLLOW ME.
>> WE GOT HELP, DUDE.
WE GOT HELP.
YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, MAN.
I GOT HELP.
>> TEAR OPEN HIS VEST.
OH, SHIT.
>> PLACE YOUR HAND HERE.
>> ALL RIGHT.
WHAT ARE WE DOING?
>> COAGULATE THE WOUND.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> NOW LET'S SEE.
YOU HOLD IT.
BOY...
THIS IS GONNA HURT.
>> AAH! HOLY SHIT!
HEY! HANK! HANK!
IT'S ME, MAN!
YOU OKAY?
>> OH, MAN!
HOLY SHIT.
>> WHAT HAPPENED?
>> YOU WOULD NEVER FUCKING
BELIEVE IT.
>> IS THAT JOHNNY PRIEST?
>> YEAH. I THINK SO, MAN.
I THINK SO.
COME ON.
>> EXCUSE ME, SIR.
FATHER.
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME.
WE'RE LOOKING FOR A GUY NAMED
JOHNNY PRIEST.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE WE CAN FIND
HIM?
>> I NEVER HEARD OF HIM.
NOW SCRAM.
>> LISTEN, JOHNNY, WE NEED YOUR
HELP.
DON'T GET BOILED, MACARONI.
>> IT'S COOL! IT'S COOL, MAN!
LOOK! THIS BROUGHT US HERE, MAN!
SHIT, MAN.
>> HOW'D YOU FIND ME?
>> I GOT STABBED.
OH-HO. YEAH, YOU DID.
>> THEY SAID YOU'S DEAD.
JUST DEAD IN THE EYES OF GOD.
CHURCH NEVER WANTED ME.
SAID THAT I WAS...
TOO BIG FOR MY FAITH.
CHURCH GOT
UNCOMFORTABLE -- FEARED TOO
MUCH, FEARED ME.
>> MY WIFE IS POSSESSED...
AND SHE NEEDS YOUR HELP.
>> HEY, TALL STACK, GOT A FAG?
>> YOU SAVED HANK, MAN.
YOU CAN HAVE WHATEVER THE FUCK
YOU WANT.
THANKS.
I NEEDED THAT.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU FOUND
THAT NECKLACE OR WHERE YOU HEARD
ABOUT ME, BUT I'M OUT THE
BUSINESS.
I'M RETIRED.
>> WELL, YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF
RETIREMENT AND SAVE MY WIFE'S
LIFE!
>> LISTEN, BOY -- I DO FUNERALS,
BAPTISMS, AND BACHELORETTE
PARTIES, AND THAT'S IT.
>> WE NEED YOUR HELP, JOHNNY.
WE DROVE HALFWAY ACROSS THE
COUNTRY!
>> NO, TRAVIS!
TRAVIS, LET IT GO! LET IT GO!
>> NO! FUCK THAT, MAN!
DOREEN AIN'T GOT MUCH TIME!
>> NO.
HE'S JUST A DRUNK WITH FRIED
BRAINS.
HE CAN'T HELP US.
HE COULD NEVER HELP US!
THE LEGEND OF JOHNNY PRIEST...
WAS JUST A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT.
>> LOOK!
YOU THINK BECAUSE YOU GOT
STABBED AND LOST A FEW FINGERS
THAT YOU'RE TOUGH, HUH?
THAT SHIT USED TO HAPPEN TO ME
AT LEAST THREE TIMES A WEEK.
I HAVE JET-SKIED DOWN THE
RIVER STYX.
I HAVE LITERALLY DANCED WITH THE
DEVIL IN THE PALE MOONLIGHT.
I'M NOT ABOUT TO PUT ON MY
GET-DOWN SHOES FOR A
THREE-FINGERED RING BEARER.
BESIDES...
I PAWNED ALL MY MATERIAL.
>> NO! NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME!
I MARRIED THE GIRL OF MY DREAMS,
WHO TOOK TWO FINGERS FROM ME,
THREW UP ALL OVER THE WEDDING
PARTY!
I'VE BEEN DRIVING IN A CAR WITH
THIS GUY FOR THREE DAYS!
NOW, WE NEED YOUR HELP.
>> MM.
>> SO, WE'RE GONNA GO GET YOUR
MATERIALS, AND THEN WE...
ARE GONNA SAVE MY WIFE.
>> YOU KNOW, BOY...
SOMETIMES YOU GOT TO FIGHT THE
DEVIL WITH A DEMON.
ARE YOU PREPARED TO BE THAT
DEMON?
>> I'LL BRING THE FUCKING HORNS.
>> WE SHALL SEE.
>> MY MAN.
I'M GONNA GO GET PAM.
>> OPEN THE DOOR!
>> GO AWAY! WE'RE CLOSED!
>> IT'LL TAKE FIVE MINUTES!
OPEN THE DOOR, MAN!
>> MAN, WHAT ARE YOU, DEAF?!
I SAID WE'RE FUCKING CLOSED!
>> YOU GIVE ME THE FINGER?
YOU AIN'T GOT TO DO THAT SHIT.
COME OUTSIDE AND DO THAT.
>> MAN, GO HOME.
>> COME OUTSIDE AND DO IT!
I'M GONNA FUCK YOU UP, MAN.
I'M GONNA MESS YOUR FACE UP.
TURN AROUND.
OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR NOW.
OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR NOW!
>> YOU WANT THE DOOR OPEN?
>> YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DO.
>> ALL RIGHT.
I'M GONNA OPEN THE DOOR.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> AND I'M GONNA OPEN YOUR
SKULL, TOO, MOTHERFUCKER. YEAH.
>> YOU GONNA BRING IT?
YOU GOT TO OPEN THE DOOR
TO DO IT.
>> YOUR MOUTH JUST WROTE A CHECK
YOUR ASS CAN'T CASH!
>> I'M GONNA BUST IN!
>> YEAH.
I'M GONNA OPEN A CAN OF WHUP-ASS
AND BAD INTENTIONS ON YOUR ASS,
MOTHERFUCKER.
>> COME ON IN.
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> COME ON.
RIGHT OVER HERE, BABY.
>> YOU 'BOUT TO GET SOME.
>> AAH!
>> SHIT! SHIT!
AH-HA-HA!
BACK UP.
>> WHAT DO THESE MATERIALS LOOK
LIKE?!
>> IT'S IN THERE.
>> BEAT HIS ASS, TRAV!
THAT'S SOME BEST-MAN SHIT!
>> I'M RIGHT HERE!
I'M RIGHT HERE!
>> WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
>> LET'S GO. GO.
OH, WHAT'S UP?
WHOO! WHOO!
>> WHAT THE HELL?
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK I'M
LOOKING FOR!
J.P., IS THIS IT?
>> NO.
BUT THIS IS.
LET'S GO.
I DON'T DO THAT.
>> OKAY.
>> I'M GONNA DROP THIS.
WE CAN GO MANO A MANO.
>> AH, SHIT!
DAMN IT! FUCK!
>> JUST STAY DOWN!
DOWN! STAY DOWN, GOD DAMN IT!
STAY DOWN!
LOOK OUT, J.P.!
>> OH, SHIT!
>> SORRY!
>> FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKERS!
IF YOU PAWN ANYTHING, Y'ALL SEE
I'M KEEPING THAT SHIT!
>> ALL RIGHT.
THAT NECKLACE CARRIES THE CURSE
OF THE INCULTA DEMON.
IT BE A MESS OF BAD MOJO.
NOW, HOW LONG AGO DID YOU SAY
YOU TIED HER UP?
>> MAYBE A FEW HOURS AGO?
>> YEAH.
>> WELL, I WON'T BE ABLE TO GET
THE DEMON OUT WHILE THAT BODY'S
SEDATED.
>> ALL RIGHT.
SO, WHAT'S THE PLAN?
WE JUST RUSH IN OR WHAT?
MAN...THE GAME PLAN IS I GO IN
AND SAVE HER SOUL.
YOU TWO BACK ME UP JUST IN CASE
SHE GET LOOSE.
YOU DIG?
>> DIG.
>> ALL RIGHT.
OPEN THAT MOTHERFUCKER.
>> HOLY SHIT!
>> AAAAAH! AAAH!
>> FUCK!
>> AAAAAH!
>> WE NEED TO REGROUP ON THIS
SHIT.
LET'S GO.
>> YEP.
>> DOREEN!
COME DOWN!
WE WANT TO HELP YOU!
>> THERE IS NO DOREEN.
THERE IS ONLY THE DEMON.
AAAAAAAAH!
>> AAAAAAAH!
>> YEAH.
I'VE SEEN YOUR TYPE BEFORE,
DEMON.
I'M SENDING YOU BACK TO HELL!
YOU...WILL...RELEASE THIS WOMAN!
>> YOURS WILL BE NEXT, PRIEST!
>> HOW LONG?!
>> J.P., LET'S GO! HURRY!
>> SON OF A BITCH!
>> YOU OKAY, TRAVIS?
>> YEAH.
>> I'LL RELEASE YOU.
>> COME ON.
>> OHH!
>> DOREEN!
I GOT HER! GET AWAY!
I GOT HER!
>> AAH! UGH!
>> COME ON!
YOU GOT TO STOP, BABE! STOP!
>> HOLD HER DOWN.
I GOT TO EXTRACT THE DEMON
MANUALLY.
>> I GOT HER.
>> UGH!
UGH!
OHH!
AHH.
>> COME ON.
YOU'RE OKAY.
COME ON!
>> COME ON, JOHNNY!
>> COME ON!
>> HEY, FAT BOY!
>> HERE COMES THE GROOM,
MOTHERFUCKER.
AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
TRAVIS!
>> TRAVIS, NOW!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
>> I'M SORRY.
>> I, HANK VON WITZENBURG...
TAKE YOU, DOREEN MAHONEY...
TO BE MY LAWFUL, WEDDED WIFE...
TO HAVE AND TO HOLD...
FROM THIS DAY FORWARD...
FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE...
TILL DEATH DO US PART.
>> I LOVE YOU.
>> I LOVE YOU, TOO.
>> I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
>> YOU'RE REALLY STRONG WHEN
YOU'RE A DEMON.
>> I'M SORRY.
>> MY WHOLE BODY ACHES.
>> HOW ARE YOU, JOHNNY?
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> I CAN'T THANK YOU ENOUGH.
I OWE YOU EVERYTHING.
>> DON'T MENTION IT.
I WAS MARRIED ONCE, TOO, YOU
KNOW.
DOREEN...
YOU TAKE CARE, BABY.
>> THANK YOU.
>> AND, UH, SHIT.
I'M SORRY.
I'M TRYING TO THINK ABOUT SOME
WAY TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU GUYS --
YOU KNOW, GIVE YOU SOMETHING
SPECIAL -- SO, UH...
>> I CAN'T ACCEPT BLACK MAMA,
MAN.
>> YES, YOU CAN.
CONGRATULATIONS.
BESIDES, I'M GONNA STICK AROUND
WITH OLD J.P. HERE -- FUCK UP A
COUPLE DEMONS.
IT'S LIKE MAMA ALWAYS SAID --
SOMEDAY I'D BE GOOD AT
SOMETHING, RIGHT, SIS?
I LOVE YOU.
YOU GOT A GOOD MAN.
HE'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.
>> CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A
SECOND?
>> YEAH.
WHAT' SUP?
>> YOU MADE A HELL OF A BEST
MAN.
AND, LOOK, I GOT ALL MY
GROOMSMEN WATCHES, BUT, UH...
>> YOU AIN'T GOT TO GET ME
NOTHING, MAN.
>> NO, NO, NO.
I WANT TO GIVE YOU THESE.
>> UH...HANK, I THINK YOU SHOULD
HANG ON TO THEM.
>> NO, NO, NO, LISTEN -- I WANT
YOU TO TAKE THEM BECAUSE SOMEDAY
I'M GONNA COME BACK FOR THEM.
>> ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY,
REALLY.
THANK YOU.
I KNOW A TAXIDERMIST.
MAYBE HE COULD GET THEM FIXED UP
FOR YOU.
>> TRAVIS, JUST SHUT UP FOR A
SECOND.
JUST SHUT UP.
>> YOU DID GOOD.
TAKE CARE OF MY SISTER, ALL
RIGHT?
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, TOO, ALL
RIGHT?
ENJOY YOUR HONEYMOON.
>> GO ON. GET OUT OF HERE.
YOU'VE SPENT ENOUGH TIME IN THIS
SHITHOLE.
BE GOOD TO 'EM BOTH!
WHERE DO DEMONS HANG OUT IN THIS
TOWN, J.P.?
>> UH...WELL...
THERE'S THIS PLACE CALLED
TEA PARTY PIT STOP.
IT'S PRETTY ROUGH.
>> SOUNDS LIKE MY KIND OF JOINT.
>> YEAH.
HEY...
CAN I HAVE A FAG, TALL STACK?
>> LET'S GET THIS SHOW ON THE
ROAD.
>> YEP.
ZIGGY FRANKLIN'S "FRIEND IN ME"
>> YOU KNOW I'M A PRETTY FAST
FUCKING LEARNER.
I EVER TELL YOU THAT?
THANK YOU.
WELL, YOU KNOW...
>> OPEN UP A BUSINESS TOGETHER,
YOU KNOW?
SEE, I'M A HELL OF A WORKER.
>> YOU TALKING ABOUT A BARBECUE
JOINT OR SOMETHING, BOY?
>> NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT FUCKING
DEMONS UP.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT,
J.P.
>> WELL, DIDN'T I TELL YOU, BOY,
I WAS OUT OF THAT BUSINESS?
>> * IF YOU NEED, YOU CAN CALL *
* YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND, I'LL
COME RIGHT OVER *
* WITH A HAND TO LEND *
* IT'S NO PROBLEM, YOU SEE *
>> * YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN
ME *
>> * WE CAN GO FOR A WALK
IF YOU NEED TO TALK *
* STAY OUT ALL NIGHT,
SEE THE MORNING LIGHT *
* DAYBREAK'S NO STRANGER TO ME *
>> * YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN
ME *
* YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN
ME *
* YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN
ME *
>> * IF YOU'RE HOT, I WILL TRY
TO PROVIDE A SHADE *
* IF YOU'RE THIRSTY, I CAN MAKE
SOME LEMONADE *
* WE CAN SIP IT BY THE
HONEYBEES *
* IN THE SHADE I FOUND UNDER THE
TREES *
* IF YOU'RE DIRTY, I,
I WILL RUN A BATH *
* IF YOU'RE CONFUSED, I,
I CAN DO THE MATH *
* THAT'S NO PROBLEM, YOU SEE *
>> * YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN
ME *
* YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN
ME *
* YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN
ME *
>> * IF YOU'RE HUNGRY,
I CAN MAKE A COUPLE PLATES *
* IF YOU WANT A RIDE,
YOU CAN USE MY ROLLER SKATES *
* ANYTHING THAT YOU NEED,
YOU CAN GET FROM ME *
* IF I GET THAT CALL
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT *
* I'D RATHER NOT BE INVOLVED
WITH THE LAW, BUT I WILL BRING
THE SHOVELS YOU NEED *
>> * YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN COUNT
ON ME *
* YOU ALWAYS GOT A FRIEND IN
ME *