Monty Python's Flying Circus.
Have you finished in there yet?
"Dear sir, I object strongly-
to the obvious lavatorial turn this show has already taken.
Why do we never hear about the good things in Britain,
like Mary Bignall's wonderful jump in 1964?
Yours etc., Ken Voyeur."
"Dear sir, I object strongly-
to the obvious athletic turn this show has now taken.
Why can't we hear more about the human body?
There is nothing embarrassing or nasty about the human body,
except for the intestines and bits of the bottom."
"Dear sir, I object strongly to the letters on your program.
They are clearly not written by the general public-
and are merely included for a cheap laugh.
Yours etc., William Knickers."
That was absolutely revolting.
Nasty. disgusting. rubbish.
I, too, take strong exception- to this resurgence of cheap jokes about poo-poos. No, don't follow me, and don't zoom in on me.
Mr. Voyeur's letter stated very... excuse me.
As I was saying, the letter previously read made quite clear-
the view of a great majority...
1348... the black death, typhus, cholera, consumption, bubonic plague...
Ah, those were the days.
Now, I'm not... I'm...
Now, I'm not prepared to go on with this,
unless these interruptions cease-- all right?
Right.
The devastating effect- of these...
No, I'm off, I'm off.
That's it, that's all.
I'm off.
Are you nervy, irritable, depressed, tired of life?
Keep it up.
This house is surrounded.
I'm afraid I must not ask anyone-
to leave the room.
No, I must ask nobody...
No, I must ask everybody...
To... I must not ask-
anyone to leave...
No one must be asked by me to leave room...
No, no one must ask the room to leave I.
I ask the room, shall my someone be left?
Not... ask nobody the room
somebody leave shall I?
Shall I leave the room?
Everyone must leave the room as it is...
With them in it.
Understand?
You don't want anybody to leave the room.
Now, alduce me to introlow myself.
I'm sorry... alself me to myduce introlow...
Introme to-lose mylow.
Alme to you introself my...
Excuse me a moment.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room.
Allow me to introduce myself: I'm inspector Tiger.
Tiger?
Where, where?!
Me Tiger...
You Jane.
Beg your pardon.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm afraid I must ask that no one leave the room.
Why not?
Elementary.
Since the body was found in this room-
and no one has left it,
therefore the murderer must be somebody-
in this room.
What body?!
Somebody...
In this room must the murderer be.
The murderer of the body-
is somebody in this room
Which nobody must leave.
Leave the body in the room not to be left by anybody.
Nobody leaves anybody or the body with somebody.
Anybody who is anybody shall leave the body in the room-body.
Take the tablets, Tiger.
Anybody with a body but not the body is nobody.
nobody leaves the body in the...
Albody me introbody al...
Now for sir Gerald.
That's better.
Now, I'm inspector Tiger
And I must ask that nobody leave the room.
Now, someone has committed a murder here-
and that murderer is someone in this room.
The question is... who?
Look, there hasn't been a murder.
No murder?
No.
I don't like it.
It's too simple
Too clear-cut.
I'd better wait.
No, too simple, too clear-cut.
By jove
He was right!
This house is surrounded.
I must ask that no one leave the room.
I'm chief superintendent Lookout.
Lookout?
What? where?
Oh, me... lookout.
Lookout of the yard.
Why? what would we see?
Sorry?
Well, what will we see if we look out of the yard?
I'm afraid I don't follow that at all.
Aha! the body.
So, the murderer must be somebody in this room...
Unless he had very long arms...
Say 30 or 40 feet.
I think we can discount that one.
"Look out of the yard"!
Very good.
Right... now we'll reconstruct the crime.
I'll sit down here.
Constable, you turn off the lights.
Good.
Now, then...
There was a scream...
Then just before the lights went up, there was a shot.
All right, all right.
The house is surrounded- and nobody leave the room-
and all the rest of it.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm assistant chief constable Theresamanbehindyer.
There's-a-man-behind-yer?
Oh, you're not going to catch me-
with an old one like that.
Right... let's reconstruct the crime.
Constable, you be inspector Tiger.
Right, sir.
Nobody leave the room I shall
Somebody I leave nobody in the room-body
shall... take the tablets, Tiger buddy.
Alself me...
Very good... just sit down there.
Very good, thank you.
Right.
Now, we'll pretend-
the lights have gone out.
Constable, you scream.
Somebody shoots you.
And the door opens.
Nobody move.
I am chief constable Fire.
Fire?
Where, where?
We're interrupting this sketch, but we'll be bringing you back-
the moment anything interesting happens.
Meanwhile, here are some friends of mine.
"Dear sir. I'm sorry this letter is late.
It should have come at the beginning of the program.
Yours, Ivor Bigbottie, age two."
From the plastic arts, we turn to football.
Last night in the stadium of light, Jarrow,
we witnessed the resuscitation of a great footballing tradition,
when Jarrow United came of age, in a European sense,
with an almost Proustian display- of modern existentialist football,
virtually annihilating by midfield moral argument,
the now surely obsolescent catennachio defensive philosophy-
of signor Alberto Fanfrino.
Bologna indeed were a side intellectually out-argued,
by a Jarrow team thrusting and bursting,
with aggressive Kantian positivism-
and outstanding in this fine Jarrow team- was my man of the match,
the arch-thinker, free-scheming,
scarcely-ever-to-be-curbed midfield cognoscento,
Jimmy Buzzard.
Good evening, Brian.
Jimmy, at least one aging football commentator-
was gladdened last night by the sight of an English footballer,
breaking free of the limpid tentacles-
of packed mediterranean defense.
Good evening, Brian.
Were you surprised-
at the way the Italians ceded midfield dominance-
so early on in the game?
Well, Brian...
I'm opening a boutique.
This is of course symptomatic of a new breed of footballer,
as it is indeed symptomatic of your whole genre of player,
is it not?
Good evening, Brian.
What I'm getting at, Jimmy,
is you seem to have discovered a new concept-
with the mode with which you dissected the Italian defense-
last night.
I hit the ball first time-
and there it was in the back of the net.
Do you think Jarrow will adopt-
a more defensive posture-
for the first leg of the next tie in Turkey?
I hit the ball first time-
and there it was in the back of the net.
Yes, yes, but have you any plans-
for dealing with the free-scoring Turkish forwards?
Well, Brian...
I'm opening a boutique.
And now let's take a look-
at the state of play in the detective sketch.
Ourself me to introlow my body.
Cheeky.
Oh, temper, temper.
Well, some of us don't like-
having men crawling over us the whole time.
You need to take- all the opportunities you can get, dear.
Unlike some people I can mention,
I'm quite happily married, thank you.
Yes, Athena, I've been tearing up in the garden.
Hello, good evening, and welcome- to yet another edition of "Interesting People."
And my first interesting person tonight is-
the highly interesting mr. Howard Stools,
from Kendal in Westmoreland.
Good evening, mr. Stools.
Hello, David.
Mr. Stools, what makes you-
particularly interesting?
Well, I'm only half an inch long.
Well, that's extremely interesting.
Thank you for coming along on the show tonight, mr. Stools.
I thought you'd think that was interesting, David, in fact...
Mr. Howard Stools from Kendal in Westmoreland, half an inch long.
Our next guest tonight has come all the way from Egypt.
He's just flown into London today.
He's mr. Ali Bayan-- he's with us in the studio tonight-
and he's stark raving mad.
Mr. Ali Bayan, stark raving mad.
Now it's time for our music spot-
and we turn the spotlight tonight-
on the Rachel Toovey bicycle choir...
With their fantastic arrangement of "Men of Harlech"
For bicycle bells only.
Keep, my babe, no ill betide thee,
all through the night.
The Rachel Toovey bicycle choir.
Really interesting.
Remember, if you're interesting,
and want to appear on this program,
write your name and address on your telephone number-
and send it to this address.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Now here's an interesting person.
Apart from being a full-time stapling machine,
he can also give a cat influenza.
You can't get more interesting than that, or can you?
With me now... with me now,
is mr. Thomas Walters of West Hartlepool,
who is totally invisible.
Good evening, mr. Walters.
Over here, Hughie.
Mr. Walters, are you sure you're invisible?
Oh, yes, most certainly.
Well, mr. Walters, what's it like being invisible?
Well, for a start, at the office where I work-
I can be sitting at my desk all day-
and the others totally ignore me.
At home, even though we are in the same room,
my wife does not speak to me for hours.
People pass me by in the street without a glance in my direction-
and I can walk- into a room without...
Well, whilst we've got interesting people,
we met mr. Oliver Cavendish who...
Even now you yourself do hardly notice me...
Mr. Oliver Cavendish of Leicester,
who claims to be able to recite the entire bible in one second,
whilst being struck on the head with a large ax.
We've since discovered that he was a fraud.
He did not... yes, a fraud.
He did not in fact recite the entire bible.
He merely recited the first two words, "In the"
before his death.
And now it's time for "Interesting Sport"
And this week it's all-in cricket,
live from the Municipal Baths, Croydon.
All-in cricket, great, great!
With me now is mr. Ken Dove,
twice voted most interesting man in dorking.
Ken, I believe you're interested in shouting.
Yes, I'm interested in shouting, all right.
By jove, you certainly hit the nail on the head-
with that particular observation of yours then.
What does your wife think of this?
I agree with him!
Shut up!
At parties, for instance, people never come up to me.
I just sit there and everybody totally...
Now, that is Tiddles, I believe.
Yes, this is... this is Tiddles.
Yeah, and what does she do?
She flies across the studio and lands in a bucket of water.
By herself?
No, I fling her.
Well, that's extremely interesting.
Ladies and gentlemen, mr. Don Savage and Tiddles.
I'm more interesting than a wet pussycat.
...for hour after hour after hour...
Yes, great.
Well, now for the first time on television,
"Interesting People" brings you-
a man who claims he can send bricks to sleep by hypnosis.
Mr. Keith Maniac from Guatemala.
Good evening.
Keith, you claim you can send bricks to sleep.
Yes, that is correct, I can.
Entirely by hypnosis.
Yes, I use no artificial means whatsoever.
You've injured mr. Stools!
Well, I simply-
stare at the brick, and it goes to sleep.
Well, we have a brick here.
Keith, perhaps you could send it to sleep for us.
Oh... well, I'm afraid that is already asleep.
How do you know?
Well, it's not moving.
Oh, I see.
Have we got a moving brick?
Yes, we've got-
a moving brick, Keith.
It's coming over now.
There we are, fast asleep.
Very good, very good indeed.
Yes, it's all done-
with the eyes.
Yes, mr. Keith Maniac from Guatemala.
Mr. Stools!
Speak to me, Howard!
And now four tired undertakers.
We're interrupting this-
to take you back very quickly to the Jimmy Buzzard interview,
where we understand something exciting's just happened.
I've fallen off my chair, Brian.
I think my wife's beginning to suspect.
You, shut up up there!
What do you mean, "Shut up up there"?
You shut up.
Oh, shut up!
I apologize for that.
I think you'll find this a bit more interesting.
Good evening.
Tonight I want to examine-
the whole question of 18th- century social legislation...
Its relevance-
to the hierarchical structure of post-renaissance society...
And its impact on the future of parochial organization,
in an expanding agrarian economy.
But first, a bit of fun.
To put England's social legislation-
in a European context,
is professor Gert van der Whoops,
of the Rijksmuseum in The Hague.
In Holland in the early part of the 15th century,
there was three things important to social legislation.
One: rise of merchant classes,
Two: urbanization of craft guilds,
Three: declining moral values,
in age of increasing social betterment.
But first, a bit of fun.
Ding, dong, merrily on high-
In heav'n the bells are ringing.
And now professor R.J. Canning.
Glo-o-or...
The cat sat on the mat.
And now the battle of Trafalgar.
Tonight we examine popular views of this great battle.
Was the battle of Trafalgar fought-
in the atlantic off southern Spain,
or was it fought on dry land near Cudworth in Yorkshire?
Here is one man who thinks it was-
and here is his friend.
What makes you think-
the battle of Trafalgar was fought near Cudworth?
Because Drake was too clever for the German fleet.
I beg your pardon?
I've forgotten what I said now.
Mr. Gumby's remarkable views have sparked off-
a wave of controversy amongst his fellow historians.
Well, I think we should...
reappraise our concept of the battle of Trafalgar.
Well, well, I agree with everything mr. Gumby says.
Well, I think, cement is more interesting,
than people think.
One subject-- four different views.
12 and six in a plain wrapper.
The stuff of history is indeed woven in the woof.
Pearl Harbor.
There are pages in history's book,
which are written on the grand scale--
Events so momentous that they dwarf man and time alike.
And such is the battle of Pearl Harbor,
reenacted for us now,
by the women of the Batley Townswomen's Guild.
Mrs. Rita Fairbanks, you organized-
this reconstruction of the battle of Pearl Harbor.
Why?
Well, always been extremely interested in modern drama.
We were, of course, the first townswomen's guild to perform-
"Camp on Blood Island," and last year, of course,
we did our extremely popular reenactment- of "Nazi War Atrocities."
And so, this year,
we thought we'd like to do something in a lighter vein.
So you chose the battle of Pearl Harbor?
Yes, that's right, we did.
Well, I can see you're all ready to go,
so I'll just wish you good luck-
in your latest venture.
Thank you very much, young man.
Ladies and gentlemen,
"The World of History" is proud to present-
the premiere of the Batley Townswomen's Guild-
reenactment of "The Battle of Pearl Harbor."
The Battle of Pearl Harbor.
Incidentally, I'm sorry if I got a little bit shirty-
earlier on in the program, when I kept getting interrupted-
by all these films and things that kept coming in, but I...
"We shall..."
"Heretofore shall this soul be received unto..."
And so I said if it happened again,
I'd get very angry and talk to lord Hill, and...
Tell lord Hill.