'Last, on Sledge Hammer!'
Hammer, you can't defuse that bomb.
Trust me. I know what I'm doing.
In a moment, Detective Raker will take the stand
against reputed crime boss, Johnny "Red Shoes" Haggis,
about his role in the murder of DA Burnham.
This is Amy Porter, reporting live.
Now. Right this minute.
Do you promise to tell the truth, so help you God?
I do.
Detective Raker, tell the court exactly what you saw the night of June 20, 1986.
Well, I observed Mr Hagg...
I observed Mr Johnny "Red Shoes" Hagg... Haggis...
I observed... Mr...
.. Mr Haggis...
I... I... don't know.
Just tell the court what you remember.
I don't know.
I told you, I don't remember! Why don't you stop yelling like that?
Order in this court.
Order in this court!
I said order in this court!
- Violence! - Not me, him!
In all my years in the force, I have never been this disgusted.
- So you heard? - Yeah, I heard.
Cancelling the Police Field Day. It was my turn to get shot out of the cannon.
This is ridiculous.
Ow!
Oh, that's where I put that. My mind!
Hammer, I thought you were talking about Detective Raker.
Chris Raker?
I like that guy. He's kinda tough, good with his fists. Always liked him.
He cracked on the stand and didn't finger Johnny "Red Shoes" Haggis.
That wimp! I never really trusted him.
He was so dedicated. So stable.
- How's the Captain taking it? - Not very well.
- In his office most of the morning. - Probably depressed.
Captain Trunk has been like a second-hand father to Raker for years.
How sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungratefuI punk.
- Sorry for interrupting. - Wanted to cheer you up, sir.
This is the worst day of my life.
Now, right there, you're wrong.
You've said many times the worst day was the day I joined.
Now you feeI better?
Yes.
I'm sure there's an explanation for Raker's breakdown.
Oh, it's obvious what happened.
He was pretending. Johnny "Red Shoes" Haggis paid him off.
You can make a lot of money in acting.
Raker would never sell out. He had integrity, you understand?
The mere fact that you would even suggest that he was...
Go ahead, let it out. You'll feeI better, Captain.
Whatever!
Captain, I thought he sounded reaI. All that ranting about violence.
- That's difficult to fake. - No, believe me, Raker is a faker.
All cops face violence.
The ones who can't deaI with it crack.
And the ones who can, teach.
- If I could just... talk to him. - You wanna talk to him?
Why don't you diaI him direct? 555 WeaseI. Here, I'll ring him up.
Hammer, give it a rest. I've already tried. The man's not at home.
Oh, typicaI. The line went dead. Danged deregulation!
Argh!
Hammer, you're a big, dumb...!
How does it feeI to be the second craziest cop on the force?
What was that?
I asked how it felt to be the second craziest cop on the force.
Oh, I thought you said "laziest".
Sorry. My mistake.
- You don't believe Raker lost it, do you? - Not a chance.
That kid's taken the heart out of Trunk. I'm not gonna let him get away with it.
He was too perfect. That bonehead even had a perfect attendance record.
What's wrong with perfect attendance?
Any cop worth his tin is out at least a couple of days with a flesh wound.
Well, I think we're all human.
- I mean, we should strive for perfection. - Speak for yourself, Doreau.
I am perfect. A perfect 42 regular, and a perfect shot.
I started WC after the network forced me out of programming.
They said my ideas were too high-concept.
You tell me, what's wrong with an alien puppet living with a suburban family?
OK, it's stupid, but what's wrong with it?
Nothing. Sounds kind of cute.
Cute? There's too much cute in the world. There should be an alternative.
You've heard of reality programming?
This is reality reprogramming.
Here we are, at the nerve centre of my entire operation.
Voila!
Whoops. Sorry, we were just playing a game of Space Invaders.
The latest in mind-controI technology.
Thought controI through television.
Amazing.
I could start a fourth network just like this.
- There already is a fourth network. - That's a network?
I see your point. Anyhow, your process certainly worked on that cop, Raker.
Johnny "Red Shoes" Haggis couldn't be happier. $500,000.
I'm not doing this for the money.
But I have to answer to a higher command. My two-year-old son.
This is all very... erm... impressive, Mr Smartikoff. I'll be leaving.
But this is only the beginning. I've devoted my whole life to TV.
Man has only begun to scratch the tip of the iceberg of the video age.
I'm really not into television. I only watch PBS and Nightline.
Someday, you'll be into television because it will rule your life.
Man will never have to leave his couch.
You will even traveI to foreign lands by TV.
Actually, I enjoy flying.
Ultimately, man and TV will combine to form a newer, higher being.
Yes! A super-race!
Smarter, brighter, new and improved.
And it will all start here, and with those who watch it.
Yes, the rulers of tomorrow sit in front of the TV today.
Laughter)
Oh, another new sweater!
Come on, Theo.
- Who is it? - Hammer, it's me, Raker. Open up.
Look, if you came here for insults, I already gave at the office.
- Hammer, I have to talk to somebody. - Yeah? Well, don't confess.
Let me beat it out of you. I hate cops who take bribes.
I didn't take a bribe.
Listen. You're the only one I can talk to.
You're bloodthirsty, but you're trustworthy. You gotta listen to me.
I don't listen to malcontents.
Especially malcontents who malcontent all over the Captain.
Hammer, listen. I'm telling you the truth.
I don't know what happened to me on the stand.
There was this sound, this noise. I couldn't remember anything.
And then these nightmares.
These terrible, weird nightmares. They seemed so reaI.
The one where you haven't been to class and it's the finaI and you're in underwear?
No. No, these revolve around a white room. Hammer, you gotta help me.
I just helped you quit smoking.
I don't know what happened to you on the stand. Maybe you didn't take a bribe.
Maybe you just cracked under the pressure.
But you better remember what happened with Johnny "Red Shoes" Haggis.
I tried. I tried, but nothing happens.
Well, try harder.
Remember. Remember, come on!
Haggis. The murder.
Haggis. The murder!
No!
No! There's violence here! There's violence here!
That sound. I have to get rid of that sound.
I got to get it out of my head.
Ooh! Nicotine withdrawaI's a reaI bummer.
That noise! Help me, Hammer. Help me, Hammer!
- Now hit me. Hit me. - My pleasure.
- FeeI better now? - No. Hit me. Hit me, Hammer.
Hit me. That noise!
Boy, you can come over here any time.
You just bought the farm, fink.
All right, now you're in trouble.
I got to stop the noise!
Darn it!
I love it when company drops by.
All right, come on, let's go. Party's over.
OK, people, let's clear it.
That guy's gonna destroy Trunk and me.
I still don't understand why he came to you.
Uh... Felt safe here?
When Raker rushed in here, he was shaking worse than a rumba dancer.
He had that look in his eyes of someone who'd just stepped over the edge.
- I've seen that look before. - Yeah? In the war?
No, in the mirror.
Sledge, what do you think made him break down?
I don't know. AII I did was ask him about Johnny "Red Shoes" Haggis.
- I'm going to lose my security deposit. - They required one?
Can you remember saying anything that set him off?
He came in here, he was raving, going on about noise.
He said the noise... and something about nightmares.
What did he say about nightmares?
All he mentioned was something about a white room.
A white room? White room. I've read something about that.
- Look, another article. - What magazine is this from?
- Reader's Digest. - Can't get more authoritative than that.
"Advertising agencies have expressed an interest
in mind controI techniques such as the KGB's white room process. "
That's all it says. It's the condensed version.
That's it. The white room.
You don't believe the networks are trying to turn people into automatons?
Haven't you ever seen Matlock?
The only people more calculating than the networks are the Mob.
They didn't bribe Raker. They brainwashed him.
They programmed him to break down,
every time he tried to remember Johnny "Red Shoes" Haggis.
Let's talk to Trunk. I think I've figured out how to pull the plug on Haggis.
Let me get this straight.
You want me to spread the word that you've got new information
that will put Johnny "Red Shoes" Haggis behind bars for good?
And you're going to testify tomorrow? Hammer, that will never work.
Yes, it will. We'll get a woman to start the rumour.
Want to do it, Doreau? Well, we'll get somebody else.
The guy who got to Raker is going to try to get to me before I testify.
Oh, Hammer! Hammer, something is happening.
Put that network in the dumper.
I already did, last year.
'And this just in.
'Inspector Sledge Hammer will testify tomorrow with new information that will,
"'put that scum-sucking leech into the slammer for so long,
"'by the time he gets out, he'll be dead. "'
- Thought of that myself. - Yeah, I could tell.
Well, Doreau, I guess it's time for you to make tracks.
I think I should stay and back you up.
I don't need backup. I got all the backup I need right here.
It's taken me through shoot-outs and stakeouts and...
And a marriage.
So... amscray.
I can hide in the closet.
The Mob has probably been watching all evening.
They're not going to make a move till you leave. So beat it.
I can take care of myself. Always have, always will.
You know, it's OK to let people care about you.
It's not a slight against your masculinity.
- It's human. - I think I hear your mother calling.
Beneath that loner exterior and twisted mind, there is a heart.
A heart with reaI emotion. It's really OK to let it out every once in a while.
One more insult, and you're going out of here on a stretcher.
You win.
You know, once, I'd like to come over here when it wasn't a crisis.
You could just invite me over, and we could just talk.
- Is that too much to ask? - I don't know. Depends.
- Just call before you come over. - Why? Think you might make dinner?
No, I want to disarm all the booby traps.
Phew!
Good night.
Turn the light on.
Shouldn't something be happening, Smartikoff?
Dang! No cartoon first.
Look, Johnny Haggis wants results.
I don't know what he knows, but I want him not to know it.
- You know? - I know, I know.
If we can't brainwash him, let's brain wax him.
Go to leveI three.
'Dishwashing, toilet paper.
'TV dinners, soap,
'trash bag,
'deodorant, breakfast cereaI,
'tyres, toilet paper,
'TV dinners. '
Finally. He's jello. Let's get down to business.
Take notes.
Inspector Hammer, tomorrow,
whenever anyone asks you anything about Johnny "Red Shoes" Haggis,
you will forget everything.
Is that understood?
You put him to sleep, you idiot!
- Wake him up. - Yes, sir.
Go to leveI four.
- Wake up, Hammer. Wake up. - No, Mom, I'll take out the garbage.
- Wake up. - Mom, Mom...
At leveI four, we associate scenes of extreme violence
with our command to forget a certain topic.
It could turn Oliver North into a bed wetter.
We're running out of time.
Ah! Oh!
This man is experiencing every form of violence known to man. He's loving it!
Hey, what are you doing? It was just getting good.
You guys should release this in cassettes. You'd make a fortune.
- That will be enough, Inspector Hammer. - Could you make me a copy? VHS?
I am losing my patience.
So am I. Give me a gun, let's kill him.
- Are you mad? - Would a sane man work in television?
But there must be another way.
You're right.
Forget it. You guys can't scare me.
You can turn my stomach, but you can't scare me.
I'm a brick wall. The only guy who can reach me is me.
And I'm on my side.
His conscious is too strong.
We'll reach him through his subconscious, through himself.
Begin faciaI topography sequence.
Convert my voice to Hammer's.
'Well, Sledge-sledge-sledge-sledge-eroo,
'this is a fine mess you've gotten us into. '
Us? Is this some kind of joke?
'Oh, no, no, no joke. I am you. '
You will do what I say.
If you're selling encyclopaedias, I'm not buying any.
You're not reaI.
- 'I am reaI.' - Yeah? Can you do this?
Boy, one hour with you would be hell.
'Sto-stop fighting it and listen to me-me.
'You will remember nothing when asked about Johnny "Red Shoes" Haggis. '
Tomorrow, I will remember nothing.
'If pressed, you will become agitated.
'If further pressed, in fact, you will draw your gun
'and kill the D-D-D-D-A-A-A-A-A-A.'
I will blow away the DA.
'When you wake up in the morning, you will feeI refreshed.
'And you will remember nothing about tonight. '
Refreshed. I will kill the DA.
'Now, sleep.
'Tomorrow is a big day-day-day-day-day-day-day. '
Wow!
Man! I slept like a log!
Hope you had a good night.
Inspector Hammer, tell the court what you remember.
I was born a white, middle-class child. I lived...
No, Inspector. About Johnny "Red Shoes" Haggis.
Ah, well, I... uh...
- Yes? - I... erm...
I don't remember.
Why else would you tell Captain Trunk you had new, important information?
No. I... I... No!
I mean, no.
This is no time for fooling around, Inspector. What about Haggis?
I don't remember.
- Nothing? - I don't remember.
Shut up! I don't remember!
- Nothing? - I don't remember. Stop it, stop it!
I can't take it. My head! It's the noise.
Can't you hear it? Stop!
Stop!
You goofball cop! You're supposed to shoot the DA, not me.
- What's going on? - Arrest them. They killed the dead DA.
Then they brainwashed Raker and tried to brainwash me.
How's that for a quick explanation?
- Do you have any comment, Mr Haggis? - Argh!
I'm paying you nothing. Nothing, you hear me? Nothing! You get nothing!
Nothing! Nothing! You hear me? Nothing. You get nothing.
It looks like justice was done.
It sure was. Those were the ugliest shoes I've ever seen.
Didn't they try to brainwash you?
That's right, Captain, they did. They tried to play on my subconscious.
- But they forgot one important thing. - What's that?
I don't have a subconscious.
I'm amazed you were able to hold out against their brainwashing.
Well, it was easy, sir. I simply thought about one thing.
What was that?
Who's always close to my side? Someone I've been neglecting lately?
Someone for whom I've never been able to express my true feelings.
Someone who's beautifuI, sleek... attractive.
- It's obvious who I'm talking about. - Oh, Sledge, stop.
My gun!
Hammer, you are a truly sensitive guy.
Thank you, sir. I never thought you noticed.
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