Ugh, General Hospital?
Why are you wasting your time
watching this trash?
Guiding Light is on.
Because I'm a little concerned
about what they're doing with Jason's character.
It's halfway through the show
and he still has his shirt on.
Don't worry, he's going down to the waterfront.
Brenda's gonna be down there crying.
It's coming off.
Excuse me, could I get some sugar?
Roseanne!
Should I just rip off the shirt of every customer
so that they can get your attention?
Not these customers.
No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no.
We don't charge Mr. Mehlman
of Mehlman Restaurant Supplies.
He's our special friend.
[chuckles]
Oh, a special friend, huh?
Well, the food is on the house.
If you're sleeping with Leon,
it's a miracle you can eat at all.
She thinks she's funny.
You know, I'd let the girl go
except she scares away robbers.
You know, I got a gal like that who works for me.
Gives me nothing but trouble.
I'd fire her, but she's my wife!
Oh, my.
Give Maureen my love.
Well, I got to get back to the office,
find out if my employees are working hard.
Or hardly working.
Ha ha ha!
You know, I hear he's considered
a comic genius in France.
Roseanne, let me give you a little business lesson.
That gentleman you were just so rude to
is Mr. Stu Mehlman,
who I met at the Lanford Mens Club.
I invited him here.
I made friends with him.
And now we are getting
a deep fat fryer for cost.
Well, that is great
'cause I'd hate to hold your face
in a deep fat fryer we paid full price for.
It's called networking, Roseanne.
And that is why I have been after Jackie
to join the Lanford Womens Association.
So we can get more things at a discount.
In fact, Nancy...
why don't you join?
You've been asking
for more responsibility around here.
I just meant I wanted a key.
So, hey, hold on a second. What about me, you know?
I can join some group of stupid, snobby,
stuck-up broads and make friends.
Oh, Roseanne, how can I say this
so that I don't hurt your feelings?
You're a horrible woman and nobody likes you.
Well, be that as it may, I'm still gonna join,
and I'll get us a lot of free stuff too.
No, face it Roseanne, you just don't have
the skills that it takes to represent this business.
Oh, now, Leon, I may not have
your vast wealth of business experience,
nor your great willingness to kiss butt,
but I do have something else.
Really? And what might that be?
Your nipple. Ow!
♪♪ [theme]
Okay, so what do you think of these earrings?
Oh, yeah, that's much better!
These are the exact same ones I had on before.
See, you're not paying any attention at all.
I am too!
Holy cow, what are you so dressed up for?
'Cause I have to go impress these businesswomen
so I can use 'em for contacts.
Then later I can go back to chewing tobacky
and rolling up my hair in soup cans.
Hey.
So did you make many tips tonight,
or won't you know 'til you
shake out your underpants?
Hey, sweetheart.
Hey, honey.
Got to go. I'm late for class.
What time did you get in last night?
Mm, I don't know. Either 10:00 or 11:00.
We really should buy a digital clock for the boy.
Have a nice night.
So...how you doing?
Well, it sucks, Mom.
I know he's doing it for us,
but he's at school all night
and I work all day.
We don't ever get to talk anymore.
Well, that's a shame
'cause you're really missing something.
I mean, when you're not around,
the witty, insightful things that come out
of that boy's mouth you just wouldn't believe.
It's like the only time we spend together
is when he wakes me up when he gets home.
At least he's still polite enough
to wake you up first.
Wow, the Chestnut Room at the Ramada Inn.
These broads have got to be doing all right.
The rooms here are really nice too.
I've heard.
God, Nancy, what did you dress like that for?
This is a women's business meeting.
It's not a girl bar.
Roseanne, you are so naive.
But...most of these women are married.
You are so naive.
Hello, hello, ladies.
I'm Lucille Lacompt. I'm the greeter tonight.
Entre vous.
Oh, well, that's French, isn't it.
French, the language of...France.
Well, it's certainly nice talking to you,
and I'm sure we'll get the chance
to talk to you again later.
Yes, let's do that.
I think we did pretty good there, Roseanne.
Oh, all these stuck-up broads
in business suits.
I should have worn underwear.
There's a mens group meeting across the hall.
All right, it's just a hassle using birth control.
We brought her,
and I have to tell everybody I'm married?
Hello. Hello.
Oh, Roseanne Conner.
You wouldn't be D.J.'s mother, would you?
Well, that depends. What'd he do?
You know, I think our sons are in the same class.
Ohh!
Oh, well, of course they are.
Yeah, D.J. talks about him all the time.
Just this morning he was saying, uh,
we don't see enough of that Anderson kid.
Elijah.
Elijah. That's such a great name.
I've never seen you at our meetings before.
Do you work here in town?
Um, yeah, I'm the proprietor of the Lunch Box.
Oh, you mean Leon Carp's place.
Uh, no.
Actually, Leon is just our waiter
and we let him think that he owns the place.
On Thursdays he thinks he's the mayor.
Well, you know how all men like to think
they are the center of the universe.
I guess that's why they call it the "sun,"
and not the "daughter."
That is brilliant.
You're certainly a lot wittier
than that French lady we met at the door.
Well, I do write the newsletter.
Oh, you do. Uh-huh.
Uh, what line of work are you in?
Well, my family owns a string of bakeries
throughout the entire state.
Bakeries, huh?
So I guess you would make things like,
I don't know, what, hamburger buns?
Oh, I love that brooch, Flo.
Why, thanks, Ro.
My husband gave it to me.
Well, either he did something very bad
or you did something very good.
Oh, you know, Ro,
I bet you are just full of the dickens.
Oh, yes, I've got the dickens just
running right out of my ears.
Well, the meeting's about to start.
Maybe we can chat after.
Oh, I can't wait.
I got to hand it to you, Roseanne.
You were very pleasant and personable.
Yeah, it was fun too,
although I know I'll be sore tomorrow.
Hey, can I help you, buddy?
Beer.
I didn't know you were working here.
Ah, you know me.
Eccentric millionaire taking on odd jobs
so he can mingle with the common folk.
That's what I like about you, Chuck.
You're not stuck-up.
Not like our other millionaire friend
who works down at the car wash.
Whoa, what the hell are you doing here?
Oh, man.
He comes in here every night
around 7:00.
Mind if we talk?
We'll have to keep our voices down,
this being the library and all.
Just leave me alone, Dan, will you?
Why the hell aren't you in class?
I went a couple of times.
It was just not my thing, okay?
What do you mean, it wasn't your thing?
We gave you money for school.
We own your thing.
It just didn't work out, so I quit.
What do you want me to do?
How 'bout showing the family
you've got this much responsibility?
Man, I can't believe
I took your side back at the house.
Hey, I don't need you on my side.
Wait a minute.
You're not gonna tell Becky or Mrs. Conner
you saw me here, are you?
No...you are.
Why don't you save them the trouble
and kill me right now?
Oh, come on, Mark,
Roseanne's not gonna kill you.
Not with all the questions
surrounding the death of Becky's first husband.
So then Carol Collins, you know, the pie lady,
she ends up leaving with Nancy.
No way, Mom!
I know that woman. She's married.
God, you're so naive.
Hey, Mark, how was it tonight?
Tell 'em.
I quit school.
What!
I went a couple of times.
It just didn't work out.
I found him at the Lobo.
He's been there every night.
How could you do something like this?
See, I knew you wouldn't be on my side.
On your side?
Why should I be on your side?
You've been lying to me for weeks.
Let's just talk about this upstairs.
No. I have nothing to say to you.
Becky, oh, you got plenty to say to him,
starting with, "Get your butt back to school!"
I can't make him go. I don't control him.
What do you mean you don't control him?
You're his wife!
But I still can't make him go back.
He doesn't even listen to me.
That's because you're not yelling loud enough.
I'm not so sure
you should blame her, Roseanne.
Mark's got a mind of his own.
Well, I got an exercise bike too,
but that don't mean I'm ever gonna use it!
Come on, Lucky.
Come on out of that coma for Luke and Laura.
Will Liz Taylor's curse never end?
[D.J.] Sit there.
Mom, this is Elijah.
Hi. Oh, hi!
You must be Florence's boy.
Nice to meet you.
Okay, I talked to him at school,
I brought him home like you told me to,
and now I'm done.
Where are you going?
Izzy Miller's house.
D.J.... [snaps] over here.
[door closes]
Now, you stop being mean to Elijah, and play with him.
I can't. He sings.
What do you mean, he sings?
He sings real quietly to himself all the time.
He never stops.
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!
D.J....
you get ahold of yourself now.
You are gonna play with him.
He's a very nice boy.
If you like him so much, you play with him.
♪ Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea ♪
Told you.
♪ ...the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee ♪
♪ Little Jackie Pap-- ♪
How come you stopped?
Stopped what?
Singing.
I wasn't singing.
Hey, D.J., who's your friend?
Izzy Miller.
I know that, son, but who's this boy?
♪ We're off to see the wizard... ♪
[D.J.] This is Elijah.
What's he doing?
Singing.
How do you get him to stop?
♪ Because, because, because, because ♪
♪ Because... ♪
So, Elijah...
you like to sing, huh?
I wasn't singing.
Yeah, Dan, what's wrong with you?
Am I staying for dinner?
Sure, if you'd like to.
What are you having?
Liver and boiled fish
with liver sauce.
I think I got to go home now.
Bummer.
[door closes]
Oh, we've just got to have that kid over more often.
Makes our other kids less odd.
I think every kid on Earth looks less odd
next to Elijah Minnelli.
♪ Start spreading the news ♪
That's Elijah with a J.
Hey.
Shh! Mark's reading.
Oh, well, I hate to ruin
the end of it for you, Mark,
but he eats the green eggs and ham.
I'm studying upstairs.
Don't pick on him, Mom.
He's really doing it this time.
We spent all day working together.
I can't believe how much he's learned.
Well, does this mean we have to stop spelling stuff out
that we don't want him to know about?
I'm serious.
I mean, you were right, Mom.
You can make husbands do like anything.
You are catching on, Mrs. Healy.
Men need to be molded.
Think of them not as lumps of clay,
but...as lumps.
[belches]
Out of milk.
Well, hi, Flo and Elijah!
Cool hats.
Thanks, Roseanne.
We biked over here to talk to you
about your son.
Well, he did something
that really upset my Elijah.
Well, thank you for telling me.
I will punish him severely.
Well, don't you want to know what he did?
Oh, yeah, yeah. That'd be good.
Well, yesterday, in front of a large group of children,
D.J. called him Elijah Minnelli.
No, he didn't.
D.J., come out here!
Children can be so cruel.
What?
I'm gonna pretend like I'm yelling at you,
so just go along with it. Okay.
D.J., I'm going to ask you a simple question,
and I want a simple answer, yes or no.
Did you call him Elijah Minnelli?
Yes, but you--
Yes or no?
Yes.
Well, you really hurt his feelings, D.J.
As you know, I did not raise you
to be a name-caller.
That is mean.
Tell him you're sorry.
I'm sorry.
That's okay.
You want to come over tomorrow?
Uh, no, I bet I'm grounded.
You sure are.
See?
All right, then.
Thank you, Ro.
I'll look forward to seeing you
at the next meeting.
Me too, Flo.
And don't you worry about it,
because I'm not quite done
talking to this young man.
Mom, I said I was sorry!
Well, sorry really isn't good enough, is it?
Come on, I'll change. I promise I will.
Please!
Please, I promise!
That's what you say every single time.
I will, I will. [door closes]
They're gone. Let's go have ice cream.
Hey, Mark.
I made flash cards
for the next two chapters.
Yeah? [chuckles] We got our tests back.
The only F in the class.
They even posted the grades
where everybody could see 'em.
You proud of me?
You studied for this. I don't understand how this could happen.
You should never have made me
go to that damn school in the first place.
I didn't make you. You wanted to go.
Wrong. You never even asked me.
Then again, you don't give a crap what I think.
You never have.
Could you guys start over again?
I hate it when I miss out on the beginning.
Mrs. Conner, you always thought I was stupid.
Now, here's your proof.
Go ahead, make your jokes.
Well, it's really not funny
now that we know it's true.
In fact, it's kind of sad.
Or at least not as funny.
Mom, he's not stupid.
He's just not good at taking tests.
I think when you don't know any of the answers to any of the questions,
you're not good at taking tests.
Yeah, but look here. You spelled your name right.
Although, it is the 15th.
Mom, leave us alone.
Oh, I'm just teasing you, Mark.
Everybody gets an F.
You're gonna do way better next time.
Oh, no, I won't.
I'm dropping out.
Becky.
Mark, you're going back.
We both know it's what's best for you.
No, it's what's best for you.
Why are you always trying to change me?
I'm not trying to change you.
I just want you to realize you're not worthless.
I never thought I was worthless.
That's not what I meant.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna stay at Roy's tonight. Why?
You're the great student. You figure it out.
Go find some college boy
who's got what you want.
Mark, wait!
[door opens]
[sighs]
Well, Mother, I kept pushing him like you said,
and he left me.
Congratulations, you finally broke us up.
Well, it doesn't count.
I wasn't even trying.
No, you guys can't break up.
Listen to me.
I gave some advice to my daughter,
and, okay, that kind of blew up in my face,
but trust me, you two belong together.
I don't know, Roseanne.
We've been through so much,
and it just gets harder.
You wouldn't believe the incredible drama
that we're always going through.
Oh, wouldn't I?
Dan, come out here!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the--
Oh, yes, dear?
I'd like to introduce you
to somebody famous.
Oh, man, this is a real honor.
Think Paul Simon and you
will ever get back together again?
Oh, no.
Uh, no, we're Luke and Laura
from General Hospital.
I'm sorry. I'm a Guiding Light man.
They were telling me about all the trouble
they're having in their marriage,
so I thought you should tell 'em
some of the stuff we've been through.
I don't know where to start.
Last year I lost my job,
my daughter ran off,
sister-in-law got beat up,
I got thrown in jail,
Roseanne's dad died...
Seems like every week
something else is happening to us.
It seems like it happens again
in the summer too.
Well, he got in a fight
with my ex-husband on our wedding day.
Well, that was only because
you didn't make sure
that stupid Mexican divorce from him was legal.
Well, our daughter, Becky,
left home for a year and a half,
and when she came back we barely recognized her.
But the most important thing
is we've stuck together.
Now, you two still love each other, don't you?
[dramatic music plays] Well...
I did really miss you those two years
that I was abducted and held captive
on that island.
And I'll never forget the good times we had
saving the world from Mikkos Cassadine's evil weather machine.
[General Hospital theme plays]
Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA