- Previously on "Impastor"...
- Pastor Barlow knows more about Ray's death
than he's letting on.
- She doesn't have anything concrete.
- I need to know.
Are we in this together or not?
- I want you to run for church president.
- I worked with one of your undercover boys, the "pastor."
- Yeah, are we running an undercover op
in Ladner that I don't know about?
- We have a murder weapon in the car!
- I know we have a murder weapon in the car!
- You two have a nice night now.
[James Hunter's "Hand it Over"]
- * And I hope you understand
* I won't try nothing underhand with you *
- So do you want to talk about what happened?
- You mean burying the gun?
- I mean the sex.
- Right, that.
Alexa, we've been through so much together.
I think I just got caught up in the moment
and wanted to try something I'd never done before.
- Didn't feel like you'd never done that before.
- * From this love of mine - Beginner's luck.
- * Don't you know... *
- Are you sure you're not straight?
- [chuckles] - You don't have to be ashamed.
People will understand.
- Look, this is all pretty confusing.
I think I just need some time to sort things out.
- Okay.
- * Whoa-oh-oh - It was good, right?
- [sighs] So good.
- * Hand it over right now
*
- I had crossed the line with Alexa.
But why?
If I was just horny,
that was one thing.
But if I was falling for her,
then I was in the danger zone.
So did you fix it?
Do I have Internet again?
- Yeah, you had a lot of viruses on here.
I don't know what sites you go to--
- Mainly religious ones.
A lot of Old Testament stuff.
Some Young Testament too.
- [chuckles]
Oh, you.
But you're all set now.
- Oh, thank you, Russell. I owe you one.
- I'm so glad you offered,
because there is something you can do for me.
- Uh...
- I want you to talk to my little brother's
little brother.
- Isn't your little brother's little brother
your little brother too?
- Just for a couple weeks.
My little brother is a Big Brother
to this kid named Austin, and since my brother
is out of town, I'm taking over.
I want you to give him some guidance.
- Yeah, you know what, the thing is, I'm really busy--
- Please, he's a foster kid. He's had a tough life.
I mean, his parents abandoned him.
Can you imagine?
- Yeah, I could, since it happened to me.
Okay, sure. Bring him around.
I'll throw the kid a little wisdom.
- Thank you so much.
Oh, by the way,
left you a new screensaver.
[groovy music]
*
- Oh, buddy, can I see you for just a sec?
- Sure. - [sighs]
There's something I need to come clean about.
Sheriff Graham asked me to spy on you.
- She did? Why?
- [snorts] She has this crazy notion
that you have something to do with the Ray Florez killing.
He's the man who burned your car.
- [scoffs]
That--that is--
- Absurd, I know.
Can you think of a reason why she would even say such a thing?
- Yes.
She feels I humiliated her,
so she's trying to besmooch my character.
- Um, humiliated her how?
- I told her Florez would commit arson,
and she failed to act.
I told everyone in town. Now she's pissed about it.
- So she's trying to get back at you by...
"besmooching" your character?
Ugh. Buddy, that's awful.
- Dora, let this be a lesson to you.
Many, many things people say about me
aren't true.
[jazzy music]
*
- Hey, Buddy, just checking in.
Give me a call when you get a chance.
[sighs] Oh...
*
- Just sign here and here,
and, Alden, while I have you,
I want to run a church idea by you.
- Well, this is not the proper forum,
but I guess continue.
- Okay, I think that we should get a multimedia projector.
That way, we can display song lyrics on a screen
and not just be limited to what's in the hymnal.
- You want to go off hymnal?
- Yes, I think it's time we modernized.
- Not on my watch.
What's next, some Pink Freud laser show?
- I think that it's a really good idea for the church.
And if you don't agree, then maybe we should have
a council vote on it.
- Denied. - You can't just--
- No, no, no, no, no.
Nope, I am president,
and what I say goes.
- [exhales sharply]
- Good day.
- Austin, tell the pastor why
you were suspended from school.
- This douchebag, Mike Redmond, called me...
Little Orphan Austin,
so I punched him.
- Clearly, Austin needs to learn
there are other ways besides violence
to deal with problems.
- Russell, could you give us a minute?
[door closes] Austin.
Fighting is not the answer,
unless you know you're gonna win.
Are you the strongest kid in your school?
- No.
- Then you got to learn to fight with this.
The next time someone messes with you,
find a way to embarrass him.
- Should I be taking notes?
- My Mike Redmond was Teddy Cole.
Ugh, he was always picking on me,
but one time, he passed out at a party,
so I drew a Hitler mustache on him,
and I wrote the word "Shitler" on his forehead.
[laughs]
- Nice. - Didn't wash off for weeks.
Remember, when you get your shot at revenge,
make the most of it.
- You know, they told me you were different, but man.
- Hang on.
I got to rip you a new one.
If I ever see you back here again,
there will be consequences, young man!
- Okay, okay! Take it easy, will ya?
- I like you, kid.
You remind me of a young me.
So I'm gonna teach you the ten words
that will get you out of any trouble.
- Hit me.
- "I'm sorry.
"I was wrong.
It will never happen again."
[upbeat music]
Get out of here.
*
- Well?
- I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
It'll never happen again.
- Oh, come here.
*
- Oh, Buddy, good.
I am thinking of running for president.
- Of America?
- Of the church.
- Oh.
- Hilva helped me realize that it is time
that somebody run against Alden,
but I don't want to do it without your blessing.
- If you won, you'd still do all my shopping
and all the other junk you do around here?
- Of course.
The only difference would be, you'd see Alden much less,
and I'd be out of the house a little more.
- Pretend to think. Pretend to think.
All right, if that's what you want.
- So I can count on your support?
- Absolutely. - Ah, good.
Because I am tired of letting that man walk all over everyone.
- We're talking moral support, right?
Not actual work or anything.
[knock at door]
- Pastor.
- Oh.
- I have a few more questions
about the Ray Florez murder.
- Would you please stop badgering this man?
- Dora, it's okay. I got this.
- No. But if you're so convinced that he did something,
why don't you just give him a lie detector test,
and let's be done with this nonsense?
- He won't agree to that. - Of course he will.
Right, Buddy?
[suspenseful music]
- The truth was, I didn't kill Ray Florez,
so why not?
- All set.
- Okay, just ask me the big question,
and let's get this over with.
- That's not how this works.
We ask a few questions to establish a baseline first.
Lionel?
- Is your name Jonathan Barlow?
[dramatic musical flourish]
- Yes.
[whirring]
*
- Try another question. - Are you a pastor?
- Of course.
[whirring]
[suspenseful music]
- Do you identify as homosexual?
- Yes, I do.
[whirring]
- What the hell is happening?
- I'm sorry, Sheriff. Something's off.
I-I-I can't establish a baseline.
- Ask that question. - It won't mean anything.
- Did you kill Ray Florez?
- No.
- All right, what does that mean?
Does that mean he's lying?
Maybe he's an opposite guy.
- That's not a thing.
I don't know what this all means,
other than the machine's not working.
- Guys, I'm a very busy man.
[whirring]
I volunteered to answer your questions,
which no guilty person would do.
We're...
done here.
[upbeat music]
*
- Hello.
What--what is this?
Some feeble joke?
- No. No joke, Alden.
I'm running against you.
- [scoffs]
You and what army?
- This one. - Mein Gott in Himmel!
- Hilva is my campaign manager,
and we are looking forward
to a good, clean fight between competing--
- We're gonna crush you like a bug.
- Mm-hmm. - You don't scare me.
- Then why is your eye twitching?
- 'Cause it has to stay open to look at you!
There won't be a fight,
'cause I won't have to lift a finger to beat you.
Back it up, Otis. You've got room.
[truck beeping]
Yeah, there. Perfect.
[dramatic choral music]
*
[metal clanking]
What in the--
this is a no-skateboarding zone.
- I don't see any sign.
- Only one sign you need to see, mister.
Right there. - Yeah, yeah.
Can I get my board back now, old man?
- No, you may not.
Obviously your parents didn't teach you any manners,
so I will.
Now get out of here.
Go on...
Tony Hawk!
I know your name!
[door clicks and creaks]
- Hey, what are you doing here?
I said I needed some time.
- I'm here for the council meeting.
- Oh.
Then why do you look so hot?
- [laughs] This is how I always dress.
- [sighs] You know, I'm sorry.
I'm still--I'm working through all the confusion.
And that cleavage does not help.
- Buddy, I am really into you,
and I want to explore where this could go,
but I don't want to push you into anything
that you're not comfortable with.
So take all the time you need.
- Is this some trick to make me like you more?
- I should get to that meeting.
P.S., I'm not wearing underwear.
[lively music]
- Okay, so let's begin.
- Uh, I am church president,
and I say when we begin.
Proceed.
- First up, the election,
which will be held Tuesday,
right after your town hall speeches.
- My informal poll shows Dora with a slight lead.
- Wait, no, uh, how can that be?
- Yeah, I thought I'd be way ahead.
- The thing is, Alden, there seems to be some voter fallout
from your situation with Ashlee.
- What about when Dora had diarrhea?
Are they gossiping about that situation?
- That was three years ago.
- The memory is still fresh.
- Okay, guys, let's keep this mature.
- He started it. - I did not.
- Oh, God, Austin just got arrested
for vandalism.
[dramatic organ flourish]
I can't believe Austin would do such a thing.
- I'll bet Dora got him to do it.
- Yeah, probably.
- Come on, Russell, get up there.
Come on, higher. Higher.
H-higher!
Yeah, okay.
[lively music]
- What's gonna happen?
- It's your first offense.
I'll be surprised if we don't walk out of here with a warning.
- We?
- Yeah, I know what it's like to be in your shoes.
I'm not gonna let you go through this alone.
- We got a court date. - For graffiti?
On a first offense?
Really? A court date?
It was just a silly prank.
- You call it a prank.
The law calls it second-degree criminal mischief.
- Can't you just let it slide,
as a personal favor to me?
- [laughing]
That's good.
It's almost as funny as thinking
a faulty lie detector test
lets you off the hook.
- Okay, whatever you think of me,
don't take it out on Austin.
Isn't there something you can do?
- Sorry, even if I wanted to, I can't now.
The boy's in the system.
[dramatic music]
*
Why would he do something so stupid?
- Kids.
- This has Alden's stench all over it.
- You really think that he would stoop to this?
- Ha!
You have no idea how low that snake can go.
So how are you planning to attack him in the debate?
- I don't plan on attacking him.
I plan on attacking the issues.
- You can't bring a knife to a gunfight.
He's gonna push your buttons, throw you off balance.
[solemn music]
Here.
- What's this?
- Ammunition.
It's a list of things about Alden
that he would never want made public.
- No, Hilva, I can't use this.
That would not be proper.
- Oh, grow up, Mary Poppins.
- Well, I'm sorry.
I want this election to be classy.
- Spoken like a loser.
At least read number 14.
- [sighs]
Oh, ew.
- The doctors say it's vestigial.
But he can move it.
- [gulps]
[upbeat music]
- Welcome, everyone,
to today's presidential debate
between Alden Schmidt and Dora Winston.
Dora, you're up first.
[applause]
- Thank you. Fellow congregants,
I believe that it is time for a change.
- Why? What's wrong with our church?
- Nothing. I just think we could use some improvements
like a new projection screen
so that we can bring the latest hymns.
- Wait, now, wait. Now, who's gonna pay for that?
Banks don't take fairy dust, you know.
- I actually thought we could increase revenue
by renting out our chapel for weddings.
- Weddings--the only thing she's less qualified to talk about
than being president.
[laughter, indistinct chatter]
- [mouthing words]
- Look, I just want to make things better.
- For who? You?
We all know you don't have much going on in your life.
Isn't that the real reason you're running for president?
- No, I am running because I love Trinity Lutheran!
- Friends, do we really want a leader
whose closest companion is her bird?
- [gasps] You leave Scrunchie out of this!
- Can we trust her to focus on the needs of this church
when she so desperately needs a man?
- [gasps] [crowd exclaiming]
- Yes, this church was built on family values.
Can we elect someone
who probably will never even have one?
- Oh! Argh!
You take that back!
- Ow, hey! I--I said probably!
Ow!
- Buddy, do something!
- I am. I'm watching.
- Work his kidneys!
Work his kidneys!
- Ow! - [grunting]
- Oh, all right.
Thanks for coming over.
- [sighs]
So, uh, crazy day, huh?
- Yeah, sorry Dora lost the election.
But at least she won WrestleMania.
- Sorry about Austin getting arrested.
I know you were trying to help him.
- I got a thing for kids like that.
They have no parents, nobody to look after them.
so they go through life alone, always in trouble,
and never trusting anyone.
- Well, I'm glad that he has you.
[both chuckle]
So what did you want to see me about?
- Listen, I've had some time to think things through,
and I've decided the best thing
is for us to stop sleeping together.
- Okay, if that's what you want.
[upbeat music]
*
- Buddy!
The council meeting is starting!
- Hey, guys, let's have the, uh, meeting
in the dining room today.
- Why?
Because there's a much better view in there.
Here you're just looking at the staircase.
Plus you're closer to the coffee.
All right, let's go.
I can't believe we're even debating this.
- Oh, well, for heaven sakes.
- Come on, let's go. Come on.
[upbeat music]
Yeah, look at this.
This is a beautiful room.
*
- Sorry I'm late, everyone.
- Hi.
- You look a little ragged. Rough night?
- I've barely slept a wink.
- Well, I got stuff to do.
Enjoy the view.
- Oh.
- All right, let's get down to business.
- Um, actually, before we begin,
I just want to apologize
for my outburst at the debate yesterday.
It was uncalled for and rather embarrassing.
- Yeah, well, now, I am partially at fault.
I should not have been so, uh--so honest.
- Also... [sighs]
I'm quitting the council.
all: What? - No, what?
- I just feel that my behavior
was unacceptable for a church officer.
Therefore, I will be stepping down
effective immediately.
- Denied. - What? No.
You can't deny my resignation.
- I can and do.
Uh, may I have a word alone, please?
- No, Alden. - Could--
- Anything you have to say to me,
you can say in front of the council.
- Oh, good, I love being in
on other people's private conversations.
- Now, Dora, I, uh...
I may not compliment you often--
- Or ever.
- But, look, everyone in this room knows that you
are the backbone of this council,
the one who-- who makes it all work.
For the good of the church, I demand you stay.
- Demand?
- Ask.
- Say "pretty please."
- [sighs] Don't push it.
[stammering]
[sighs] Pretty please.
- Okay, I'll stay,
on one condition:
that we get that new projector screen.
- Approved.
*
- Austin McCain?
- Your Honor,
my name is Pastor Jonathan Barlow.
And I just want to say that Austin is a good kid,
a kid who's never been in trouble before,
a kid who has ten words he'd like to say.
- I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
It'll never happen again.
- If you let Austin go,
I promise his entire support group
will watch over him:
me, Russell...
and of course the G-man Himself, Jesus.
So what do you say, Your Honor?
- Pastor, Mr. McCain has shown a wanton disregard for property
and the law.
And quite frankly, I did not buy his apology.
It sounded rehearsed.
Austin McCain, I hereby sentence you to two years
at Murdock Juvenile Detention Center.
[gavel bangs] - Two years?
For a Hitler mustache?
- I can't believe this is happening.
- Bailiff, escort Mr. McCain to the holding cell.
- Your Honor, this isn't fair.
- Another word from you, and I will hold you in contempt.
- Come on, Buddy, don't make it worse.
- Buddy!
[tense music]
*
- We've got to do something.
I'm going to get a lawyer.
*
- [sighs]
*
- FBI. Come with me.
I know who you are.
[upbeat music]
*