Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com
(Screaming)
Okay, Judy, what is wrong?
Someone killed a tree. I think they strangled it with lights.
Someone's trying to send us a message.
Yeah, yeah. And I think that message is, "Merry Christmas!"
Christmas trees are a tradition, like caroling and hanging stockings.
And don't forget giving gifts.
When it comes to gift giving, people might say I have a gift.
Yeah, the gift of retelling that same joke year after year.
Look, okay, if there was, like, a Christmas gift-giving Olympics,
I would win the gold, the silver, and the bronze,
and then I would take that gold, silver and bronze,
I would rewrap it and give it away as a gift, because I am that good.
Watch this.
Hey, Dad, I know it's Christmas Eve,
but I just could not wait to give you one of your gifts.
Oh, a KC gift?
Bring it on.
All right, so you know, Christmas is all about family,
and I think everyone should be together
at this time of year, but not everyone is here.
Sure we are.
Maybe for Christmas, we need to get you an eye exam.
(Forced laughter) No.
Okay?
Not everyone is here.
At least, not for another hour,
when Dad's dad Poppa Earl arrives at the airport!
That's right, score another perfect gift from KC.
Take that, Santa.
Why aren't you jumping up and down and thanking me?
(Angrily) Thanks a lot, KC.
Huh.
Right words, wrong tone.
♪ Oh, when danger comes for you ♪
♪ You know I'll stand beside you ♪
♪ 'Cause ain't nobody keep things hustle cool ♪
♪ I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire ♪
♪ Don't tell nobody, tell nobody ♪
♪ I'm not perfect ♪
♪ So many things I wanna tell you ♪
♪ But I, I, I, I keep it undercover ♪
♪ Livin' my life, no way to learn ♪
♪ Doin' my thing, gonna make it work ♪
♪ Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless ♪
♪ But I always got your back ♪
♪ Nobody can do it like I can ♪
♪ I gotta find out who I am ♪
♪ Ain't got to worry about me ♪
♪ It's all part of the plan ♪
I keep it undercover.
Wait, Dad, why aren't you excited that your father's visiting for Christmas?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Mom, why isn't he excited?
Poppa Earl hasn't visited in, like, three years.
- Well, I guess... - That's not a coincidence.
So you two are mad at each other?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Why didn't I know that they were in a fight?
Well, we feel that...
Children shouldn't be burdened with this kind of stuff.
Is there any way you two can make up?
- I have been saying that... - I don't wanna talk about it!
My father thinks I'm a very big disappointment, and I'm tired of it.
And I am tired of not being able to get in on this conversation.
Dad, you are a super cool, high-ranking secret agent.
Who wouldn't be proud of...
Oh, right.
Someone who's not allowed to know
that you're a super cool, high-ranking secret agent.
Well, we could tell him, but then, I'd have to kill him.
Ooh, maybe I should tell him.
Dad!
I'm sorry, but for 20 years, he's been putting me down, and it's not right.
A father should respect his son.
- Good news, Dad, I found... - Not now, Ernie.
But now, thanks to you and your gift,
I gotta deal with that man criticizing me under my own roof, so thanks a lot
for ruining my Christmas.
How you like your little gift now?
I don't wanna talk about it.
Hurry up and use those x-ray eyes.
I wanna see what some of my gifts are.
Hey!
You know those fancy headphones you wanted.
- Yeah! - You didn't get 'em.
But you did get some brand-new tighty-whities.
Score!
If you ask me, this whole gift-giving thing
is a big ol' waste of time and effort.
Don't bother getting me anything.
But gifts are the best part of Christmas.
Elves at the North Pole spend all year making them.
Really? Little elves?
At the North Pole?
Making tighty-whities?
We're home.
Push out the way, boy.
I wanna see my grandkids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ooh-whee, look at you, my sweet angel.
Poppa Earl.
I bet you have to fight the boys off with a stick.
Yeah, well, sticks...
rocks, nunchucks, whatever it takes, really.
Ernie.
How the ladies treatin' you?
- About the same. - Sorry to hear that.
You're a late bloomer, kinda like your father.
Well, maybe he was just waiting for the right girl to come along.
And when you did, he clung on to you like grim death.
Oh, now, Earl, let's not relive your wedding toast.
You got a lot of nerve, Dad.
Not saying hello to your newest granddaughter.
Judy.
Oh, Princess, I've heard so much about you.
Aren't you the cutest little doll?
No, but close.
Real cute, real cute.
Oh, look at that.
I see you quit in the middle of taking my bags upstairs
just like you quit at everything else.
Dad, I'm asking you nicely.
It's the holidays. Can we please not go there?
What? I didn't say one word about you
quitting your dream of going to med school
to become an accountant. But since you brought it up,
am I wrong for wishing my son was saving lives instead of saving pennies?
Dad, I'm begging you. Please stop talking.
If you don't wanna talk, why did you invite me in the first place?
If you must know, this whole idea came from...
His heart.
The bottom of his heart.
You see, he just kept saying, "Three Christmases is way too long
to go without seeing my daddy."
Look at you two, reminiscing, having fun.
Yeah, fun.
Lots of fun.
Junior, help me with my bags.
Good thing you're so good at giving gifts,
or this could've really been awkward.
Listen here, Afro-puffs.
I am going to turn this into the best gift my dad has ever gotten.
I just gotta do it before they deck each other's halls.
Merry Christmas!
All: Merry Christmas.
A little present from my parents.
From the Millers to the Coopers.
I don't think I've ever seen such a beautiful gingerbread house.
My mom really appreciates you guys.
She said, sure, it is a lot of trouble
to make a gingerbread house from scratch,
but the Coopers are totally worth it.
Hey, look, there's a card inside.
No, there's not.
"To the Millers. We appreciate your business.
Enjoy the gingerbread house.
Merry Christmas from your friends at Shapiro Exterminators."
Well, it's the thought that counts.
I really thought I threw that card away.
- (Bracelet chimes) - It's mission time.
Discreetly get everyone upstairs.
Oh, sugar.
I forgot to get those special ornaments from the attic. I better go get them.
Um, hey, Dad, I think you should go help Mom.
I know it's your mission to be there for her.
Oh, right.
Hey, Ernie, I think we're out of tinsel.
Do you mind going up to the attic and getting some more?
It only be a brief moment.
So get it yourself.
While you're at it, get some eye drops, Blinky.
But Ernie, it's a tinsel emergency.
Oh! Tinsel.
I thought you said tonsils.
So I was, like, we don't keep tonsils...
I'm gonna go upstairs.
You know what, I'm gonna go help them out.
Marisa, do you mind keeping my Pops company?
- Sure. - Thanks.
So you're a doctor, right?
Yes, and I have been for the past 40 years.
What is the grossest thing you've ever seen,
and where does this fall on the spectrum?
So the Organization needs us for a surveillance mission
at the National Archives Museum this afternoon.
There's chatter about someone possibly breaking in
and stealing the Bill of Rights.
(Whining) What about our right not to work on Christmas Eve?
Oh, relax, it's a nothing mission.
We just have to check it out. We'll be home in an hour.
We don't know that.
I volunteer to do the mission alone, even if it takes all week.
But then you won't be able to spend any time with Poppa Earl.
Oh, darn, I didn't think of that.
Oh, well, what can you do?
Dad, your mission is to stay here
and make fantastic Christmas memories with Poppa Earl.
And then, later on, you're gonna thank me for giving you such a great gift.
She's right. You and your dad need to fix things.
Ernie and I will do the mission.
Craig, you be with your father,
and KC, you make sure they don't kill each other.
Well, well, well, look here.
I see you forgot to tell me the party was moved upstairs.
Like you forgot to tell me you weren't cut out for medical school.
Yeah, Dad, you mind?
We're having a little family meeting.
Are you trying to figure out other ways to ignore me?
If you don't wanna spend time with me, why did you invite me?
So we could all spend time together as a family.
Isn't that nice?
I didn't invite you.
KC did, as a gift to me.
And what a gift it is.
You know what else is a gift?
The gift of music.
♪ On the first day of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
So you never wanted me here?
Uh, everybody now.
♪ A partridge in a pear tree ♪
No, I did not.
♪ On the second day of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
Don't worry, because this gift is being returned to its home in Atlanta.
♪ Two turtle doves ♪
Or to his home in the Caribbean,
because I have two homes because I am a doctor.
♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪
I only have one home, and you're no longer welcome in it.
That's fine, 'cause I'm getting my bag
and getting on the next flight outta here.
♪ On the third day of Christmas ♪
♪ My daughter gave to me ♪
♪ The worst gift I ever received ♪
It's French hens.
Three... French hens.
- (Whistling) - You hear that?
That's the sweet sound of nobody criticizing me.
So Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a "leave me alone."
I cannot believe you let your father just walk out.
Oh, I have a feeling he'll be walking right back in.
I wouldn't count on it.
The Cooper men are stubborn.
Earl?
I couldn't get on a flight.
The airline said I'm on some kind of no-fly list.
Probably annoyed the airline the way you annoyed me.
This whole thing is making no sense.
I wasn't on a darn list when I flew in this morning.
Hm. That is weird.
I'm sure you'll be off that no-fly list in time for your original flight home.
- Right, Ernie? - Oh, I can guarantee it.
Well, aren't you just Santa's little helper?
- (Bracelet chimes) - What was that?
It's just a reminder that I need to go to the store. Let's go, Ernie.
I might as well unpack the gifts I brought.
I've got the cutest little gift for Judy.
Dad, Judy doesn't need presents.
What child doesn't need a present on Christmas?
Oh, let me guess.
You were in the car, you were about to get her toys,
and then you decided to...
Don't you say it. Don't you dare say it.
Okay, I won't say anything.
Look at that. Look at you two communicating.
You know what, that is the first step to getting along,
and that is the true spirit of Christmas.
(Phone chimes)
"Quit." He texted me "Quit."
(Laughs) Yeah, but I didn't say it.
You know what? I'm going to say it.
You guys need to quit arguing.
It is Christmas, okay?
So what you're gonna do is you're gonna get your jackets,
you're gonna put a smile on your face whether you like it or not,
and we're gonna go to the mall and get Judy a present.
- I'm not goin' to the mall. - Now!
Move it. Thank you.
Man, this has gotta be the worst gift I've ever given.
I don't get it.
If you want to decorate something, why not yourself?
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Yeah, I still don't get this holiday.
(Knocking on door)
♪ Si-i-lent night ♪
It was until you got here.
(Knocking)
♪ Ho-o-ly night ♪
What are you doing?
I'm caroling.
I'm spreading Christmas cheer.
Well, go spread it next door at the Goldfeders.
They're Jewish. They don't celebrate Christmas.
- Why not? - It's not a part of Judaism.
I'm sorry, did you say Judy-ism?
Come on in, girl.
Tell me more about this Judy-ism.
(Horns honking)
You know we wouldn't be stuck in all this traffic
if someone had put a little more thought into his life's choices.
Wow! Just when I think you can't make everything
about me not going to med school, you come up with a gem like that.
It's a Christmas miracle.
What I think my dad is trying to say here, Poppa Earl,
is that there are other careers, careers that help people every day.
My son's a real help, filing taxes.
You know they have computer software that does that for free.
Look, I think what Poppa Earl is trying to say...
Let me tell you something. I am not just an accountant.
I do way more than that.
The truth is, I'm...
Also someone who creates
limited liability corporations.
And that is super cool.
Right, Dad?
Right.
(Cell phone rings)
What's up, Ernie?
Hey, Dad, Mom could use your help.
This thing has turned into an accounting emergency.
An accounting emergency?
What, somebody forgot to carry a one?
Sounds like a real life-death situation to me.
Sit tight, Ernie. We'll be right there.
(Tires screeching)
Where you going, fool?
The mall's the other way.
What I think Poppa Earl means is...
Dang, Dad, did you quit
in the middle of driving school, too?
What kind of errand takes place in the back of the National Archives Museum?
- I can't tell you. - Because it's a Christmas surprise.
Just stay in the car.
Stay in the car?
Like I'm a puppy?
Don't be silly.
We would never leave a puppy in the car.
Now crack the window. We'll be back soon.
Thank goodness you're here.
Mom saw two enemy agents breaking into the Archives,
but they overpowered her.
Now they have her tied behind that dumpster.
- I'll go left. - I'll flank right.
- What do I do? - Stay here and hide.
I was hoping you'd say that.
- What is going on? - Poppa, get back.
- Dad, I'm hit. - KC, I'm coming, baby.
What the heck kind of accountant are you?!
Craig, why are these people shooting at you?
Are they clients that got audited?
Dad, I'm not an accountant.
- What? - I'm actually a secret government spy.
What?
The whole family is.
What?!
Dad, we do not have time to talk about that right now.
You need to rescue Mom, and Poppa Earl,
we know you're a doctor 'cause you mentioned it 472 times,
so do you mind taking a look at this, please?
Oh, my, my, my, my, my.
Ooh, that's nastier than Marisa's elbow.
Whoo! Now that's how you take out the trash.
Hilarious, Craig.
You wanna untie me now?
- You okay, baby? - Yeah. I'm fine.
- KC, are you okay? - Yeah, no, I'm good.
Poppa Earl fixed me up.
Good thing they didn't hit me in the arm, 'cause I unwrap presents with it.
Son, I don't know what to say.
What with the kickin' and the shootin', and the "hah" and the "yah."
This whole thing is just hard for me to process.
Maybe y'all can fill me in at the mall gettin' Judy's gift.
Uh, Dad, Judy is a robot.
A robot?
These two kids are normal, right?
So all this time, you been busy saving the world.
Well, I wouldn't exactly say we're saving the world.
Now, KC, Poppa's talking. Don't interrupt.
You were saying, Daddy.
I just feel awful, the way I've been treating you.
I should've been praising you instead of putting you down.
Go on, keep talking. You got my attention.
What I'm really trying to say is, I'm really proud of you, son.
Honey, I think it's time for the memory spray.
I know, I know. Just one more second.
So would you say you were very impressed,
or incredibly impressed when you saw me rescue Kira?
Man, when I saw you...
Really, Mom?
You couldn't let the guy get one more compliment?
Sorry, but I got a turkey to cook.
Come on.
"You're my favorite son, Craig.
You're a chip off the old block."
I love you, too, Pop.
- Uh, Dad? - Huh?
I believe you have something to say to me.
Oh, right. Merry Christmas, baby.
That's not really what I was thinking.
Oh, yeah.
Happy New Year.
No.
I was thinking something more along the lines of,
- "Thank you, KC." - For what?
- Dad... - I'm just teasing you.
You know it was the best Christmas gift ever.
Thank you, KC.
Please. No thanks necessary.
I don't know how I overslept on Christmas morning.
I don't even remember going to bed.
Looks like someone had too much eggnog last night.
- Where's my present? - Oh.
Oh, look at that.
It's just the gift that keeps on re-giving.
Tighty-whities.
Dig a little deeper in the box, Ernie.
Noise-cancellation super bass headphones!
I don't know how those elves do it.
So, Craig, are you gonna open a gift,
or are you just gonna quit in the middle?
I love you, Dad.
Here, Dad. Open this one.
Wow.
I gotta say, you outdid yourself.
You do give the best Christmas gifts ever.
Well, you're my father.
I don't wanna argue with you on Christmas.
Well, this gift is for Judy from me.
No, thank you.
Why wouldn't you want a Christmas gift?
Didn't I mention? I don't celebrate Christmas.
I'm Judy-ish.
Oy vey.
Rob, your name's on TV.