Oh, I love your helmet, I love your cleats.
Oh and I love your padding.
That's not padding.
Hey, Janey. How about me? I scored once.
I doubt that very much.
Ow. Hey, hey, hey. Take it easy. Easy on the old crotch there.
Okay. Let's get our fannies in the showers, guys.
Finally got a chance to beat Simpson.
For the first time in the history of the school.
All because we got Tony.
Hey fellers, who wants a nice massage?
Here comes ole grab-ass again. Yeah.
Hey guys, uh...
Hey, Tone, nice game. Thank you. Oh, oops.
Oh, uh, almost all used up anyway, sir.
Jeepers. They all run out of here like I had the plague or something.
Tony!
Hi, Mr. Walker.
God bless America.
Tony, Tony.
You're going with your father?
Tony, that's not funny.
Tony, you're a strange boy.
Hi, Janey. How about a ride?
Janey, maybe...
I know, son. It hasn't been easy growing up,
deprived of some of the things that other young boys have.
Like what, Dad?
Like a mother.
Didn't you notice?
I mean you do remember Mom, don't you?
Oh, yeah. She was that nice lady that used to take me to the beach
and the playground when I was real little.
Oh, that was the maid.
Oh.
Oh, I remember Mom now.
I came into your room once without knocking
and you were both in bed together.
You screamed at me to get out.
That was the maid.
Oh.
So, whatever happened to that maid, Dad?
Oh, she ran off with my handkerchiefs and my ties.
I haven't heard from her since.
Whatever happened to Mom?
She ran off with my bank account and my stock portfolio
and I haven't heard from her since.
But I'm about to make it up to you, son.
Well, Dad, it's not as if we never did anything together.
I mean, you let me help you build your bomb shelter and everything.
Yeah, and they all laughed at us, didn't they, huh?
Well when those Russian missiles start pouring in,
we'll be the only ones in town still alive.
Oh, that'll be great.
Chipped beef is good tonight, isn't it?
Oh, it's the best it's been this week.
You know, it's a good thing
the Central Intelligence Agency selected me to represent
their interests in this Rumanian caper.
Real spy stuff?
No, we're just picking up some microfilm.
And you know, you'll provide the perfect cover?
Father and son visiting Rumania.
Tourists, it's perfect.
Yeah, but, Dad, I have the big game coming up.
Don't worry about the big game. You'll be back in plenty time for that.
And you'll come back a hero to your teammates.
But if you want to let me and your country down and back out now,
um, of course no one will think any of the less of you.
Oh, no, Dad. I'm anxious to go. Really.
Rumania. It's quite a country.
It's deep behind the Iron Curtain.
It's steeped in the superstition of the Dark Ages.
A country warped by ignorance and fear.
You'll enjoy it.
My home is America. A wonderful country. You'd love it.
It's the bastion of democracy and freedom.
As a matter of fact, you two lovely ladies
in America would be free
to walk the streets at night.
And you certainly would.
Oh, my friend Tony.
Uh, back from the museum early. Did it close?
No the museum is, uh, still open
but there's only so much oldness a guy can take in one day, you know.
I was just explaining the, uh, Monroe Doctrine
to these two, uh, nurses.
Oh.
Oh, there's a, uh,
there's a couple of dungeons in town I haven't covered yet.
Well good. This could be a long talk.
Oh, okay.
Well I guess I sleep in the lobby again tonight.
All right now, my lovelies.
Let's find out what Communist infiltration is all about.
Please.
Can I read your hand?
Uh, do you do this for a living?
No.
Here behind the Iron Curtain
most books are forbidden.
So we read each other's hands. Ah.
Last week I waded through 14 hands.
One I couldn't put down till I finished it.
Especially the dirty parts.
I'm sorry, I washed this morning.
Uh, do you read bumps on the head as well?
Lithuanians are into bumps.
We are Rumanian. We do hands.
Ah.
Well, uh, be my guest. Get engrossed.
Mmm-hmm.
That's an interesting hand.
Let's see the next one.
Mmm-hmm.
Oh. Shit.
What do you see?
Oh shit.
Wait a minute. How does that translate into English?
Have I got a short lifeline or what?
You will live forever.
Hey, now come on, folks. Let's not get carried away here, huh?
You will always remain young. Never to age.
Does that mean I will never be able to order a drink?
You carry the curse of the Pentagram.
I've always wanted to go to the Pentagon.
Pentagram, stupid.
Oh, oh. What shape is that?
The mark of the wolf.
When the moon is full, don't make any important appointments.
You will be busy.
Now, listen. I am not one of those types to believe in things like,
you know, vampires and werewolves and virgins.
I've never seen any of those.
You will.
You came to the right country.
Now you are doomed to wander the four corners of the Earth
until you get sick of packing.
Then in time, you will return to your home
to fulfill your destiny.
What destiny is that?
I'm sorry. You're out of palm.
Well, goodbye and good night.
And tough titty.
Hey, wait a minute. Hey, come back here.
Aren't you going to tell me the rest?
You only gave me the excerpts.
Oh, excuse me. I'm looking to get back to Main Street.
I'm a stranger.
Uh, excuse me.
Excuse me. Uh, you won't happen to speak any English, would you?
I seem to have, uh...
Excuse me, uh, do you speak English?
I'm, I'm looking for the Museum of Mental Illness.
You don't happen to know where that would, uh...
Should have brought bread crumbs.
Hello?
Uh, is anybody home?
Uh, look I'm lost and I need help. Uh...
I'm an American. Uh...
Thanks a lot.
I'll give my father the message.
Hello? Uh, listen, I'm in trouble.
Uh, I'm lost and, uh,
I'm a Canadian.
Uh... Hello?
Nothing.
Maybe this is the Museum of Mental Illness.
Oh.
Hello?
Hello? Listen, uh, I can hear you in there.
Please. Somebody's gotta help me. Uh...
Oh.
What is that, that frothing at the mouth stuff there?
I... Hey, hey
is anybody here with this dog?
I mean, don't dogs have masters here?
Only musical accompanists?
Holy shit.
The Call of the Wild.
I got a B-plus on that report.
I'm very big on wolves. Very, very big.
Nice wolf. Nice wolf.
I'm sorry I called you a dog before.
Okay. All right.
Pee on me and let's call it a night, okay?
Ruin a pair of shoes, but leave the throat alone.
Hey, hey, hey.
Aah, oh.
Oh, ho, oh.
Please, somebody.
Hey, I said no biting.
All right, okay, all right.
Take a hand or a finger, but leave the throat alone.
I only have one of those.
Ow. Come on.
Oh, please.
Please.
It's funny. My, my neck feels kind of good.
Hey, come back here.
Aren't you going to bury me?
I mean, even a bone gets buried.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Let's face it. You're dead.
Killed by a wolf, a mad wolf.
It could happen to anybody. Over here it's like getting run over.
Nothing.
By all rights you should be a dead man.
Or at least have rabies.
Ouch.
What am I doing?
Wait till Oral Roberts hears about this.
Aah! Oh!
Oh, it's you. I thought it was the Secret Police.
They're after my microfilm. I hid everything.
Where?
I can't tell you. Don't ask.
We're taking the next plane out of this hell hole.
Dad, uh...
The strangest thing happened to me.
Did you have a good time? Did you get laid?
I hope not.
Come on. Let's pack.
Oh, oh, ow, oh.
Would the person that ordered the special meal please raise his hand?
Over here. Over here.
Oh, that airline food.
Okay, folks. This is a hijacking.
My God. Wake up.
Wake up! We're going to die! We're going to die!
We're taking this plane to Cuba.
Oh, more goddamned Commies.
They're coming out of the woodwork.
I'm gonna tie up everybody and blindfold 'em on this plane.
Tony.
I'm worried about my son, Tony. It's a fine time to go to the John.
Keep that mutt quiet.
All right, get the blindfolds.
Anybody see me?
Speak up, I can't hear you.
- No. - No.
All right, that's good.
You dope. You forgot to tie 'em up.
They don't need to be tied up. I've got 'em tied right here.
Ooh. Oh, I'm so scared.
Don't let go.
I can tell you're frightened, too. Oh, yeah?
But you've got such strong hands.
That's why I like to fly on American planes.
They don't allow dogs on the planes.
Or chickens.
Oh God. Can you imagine flying with a chicken?
Oh, you're, oh, you're wearing a fur coat, too.
You know, I think that's just so masculine.
Oh. Got a hangnail there. Better be careful.
There ain't nothing back, what's the matter with you?
Look. I can see, I can see.
What the hell is that?
Cover me.
What is that?
Keep away from me, man.
Oh! Put me down!
All right. It's okay, folks.
Oh.
For goodness sake, Tone. What's going on?
You're on cloud nine or something.
Stop being a playboy and settle down to business.
I'm sorry, sir. I keep hearing this violin music.
Violins? It's usually bells, isn't it guys?
Bagpipes.
All right!
Let's stop monkeying around, you guys.
Tony, let's try that thing where you throw the ball.
Hut! Hut!
Oh, no, not again.
Yeah, I know, Tony.
Aroo!
I know how you feel.
Hey. Why don't you talk to me?
What am I, speaking in a Rumanian accent?
Should I come back after dark?
Good boy.
Oh, no.
Offside! I got you cornered now, boy. No, no, no, Jane.
Jane, can I call you later, please? No, you certainly cannot.
You're back from Europe one whole week and you haven't phoned me one time.
Is it over between us, Tony? How did I screw up?
You didn't screw up. I screwed up.
Look, I don't even know who I am anymore.
Get off of me.
What's this sudden identity crisis just week from Rumania? What got into you?
Look, I got some dreaded disease only whispered about in the Dark Ages, okay?
Is that all? Little penicillin will clear it up just like that.
No, no, no.
It can't be that severe. I mean, you're running better than ever.
Well, you should see me fetch.
Fetch me, Tony, fetch me. How about Friday night?
No, no nights. No nights. Not this time of month, okay?
What do you mean? Only girls have to worry about their time of month.
Oh.
Oh, Janey. I want out of here. Now leave me alone.
I gotcha. I gotcha.
Will you come on? Will you grow up?
Ha, ha. Come on. This is silly.
God, what a drag.
God, this is...
This is worse than a root canal.
Aah!
Ooh.
Ouch. Oh.
I should have taken an aspirin.
Ouch.
Aah!
Oh, God, what a bummer.
I can't go on like this.
Ow!
Aah!
Never again. I'll never do it again.
Can we knock that off?
Can we hold down that visiting?
Now this is a time in your lives
when your
bodies are undergoing
great change.
We shouldn't be ashamed of our bodies.
You be ashamed of your body, teach? Who said that?
Take cover!
Oh, all right, that's better.
That's very good. That's excellent, class.
In case of an attack of an atomic bomb,
this class would darn well survive.
Tony. Pss.
Tony. Jane, please get away from me.
Come on. It's sex education class, isn't it?
I want to see one of those squiggly things with the tail.
I don't have any on me.
I find that hard to believe.
Listen. You gonna take me to the sock hop?
I'm gonna die if you don't.
You're gonna die if I do.
Get under that desk.
There's plenty of good, solid wood between you and that atomic bomb.
What's wrong with me?
Nothin'. I'll take you to the sock hop. I'll take you any place.
You're not Tony.
You got gum in your hair. Yech.
Oh, it's all right. It's my gum.
Besides, you'll be proud to go anywhere with me after I catch this werewolf single-handedly.
I got this theory.
I think he's maybe somebody that goes to school.
I think maybe he's the kind of guy who likes horror movies.
I think...
What are you doing under there, Stanfield?
Your head goes between your own legs.
Stanfield?
That's the all clear.
Everybody up. Up, up, up, up.
Fido, come on, boy.
Here you are.
Okay, pal, here it is.
Real meat and meat byproducts.
A perfectly balanced dish.
Okay.
Dig right into that.
There you go.
Okay, good dog.
Werewolf. A werewolf.
Let one come around here.
Are you listening to me?
Uh, the dog's still hungry, Dad.
The last thing that dog needs is food. He's too fat.
He ought to get some exercise.
Now, put that down and go upstairs and do your homework.
You know, your grades are slipping again this year?
I think your brain's getting wooly.
And the way you're wolfing your food down.
Whatever happened to your table manners?
No son of mine has ever do...
Don't leave the room when I'm talking to you.
Not now.
Don't walk out when I'm ordering you around.
You realize you just growled at your father?
Insubordination. That's how it was in the Army.
As soon as the men started growling, we knew that discipline had broken down.
Right, son. We're going to have a little talk.
Staying out all night,
watching too much television, filthy language.
That's all right. But growling.
I will not tolerate growling in this house.
Now don't bare your teeth at me, son.
I snarl when I smile.
That was no smile.
I've been grimaced by the best men in the business in 25 years of military service.
I know the difference between a smile and a grimace and that was a grimace.
Dad, I had a very rough day at football practice, all right?
Excuse me.
How do you expect to throw a football with fingernails long like that?
And that beard. Did you shave this morning?
That's the worst case of 5:00 shadow I've ever seen.
Straighten up and go to your room.
Oh, this is your room. All right, then. I'll go to my room.
Now, Son, you're, you're going to have a full physical in the morning.
I'm telling you, somebody's ass at that school's going to be sued.
Son, no, no. Oh, oh, my gosh.
He's trying to kill me.
You feed 'em, they grow up and now look. Ingrate!
Bum. Wolf! Wolf!
Keep away from me.
I'm your father.
You creep.
What's happened to you?
Empty. Conspiracy. He'll never get me in the bomb shelter.
The bomb shelter.
I'm safe.
Ammunition.
They got me, Joe.
The Commies turned my son into a wolf.
I don't know how they did it.
Might have been something in the water.
Fluoride. They say fluoride's good for your teeth.
Did you get a load of his teeth?
I heard about being long in the tooth, but that's just too long.
Ah, Joe.
Why didn't they listen to you back then when they had a chance?
I think, uh, 50 would be appropriate.
No, no, no, not now.
After, small envelope.
All right? Okay.
Good kid.
We are here to bid farewell to this,
to this dead person.
Not yet.
Somebody will please remove the
hawk or blackbird from the coffin, please.
And please hold all further gunplay
until the conclusion of this benediction.
Who's got earplugs? Madam?
Thank you, that's very kind of you.
Thank you very much, madam.
You're leaving town, aren't you?
Now, where was I?
How could you tell?
I don't know. I just kind of had a funny feeling
ever since you got back from that European trip.
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me, sir?
Boy. You, a high school drop-out.
Nobody would ever believe this would happen...
All right, all right. So I let everybody down.
Damn right, you did. Boy, I'd like to...
Go ahead. Go ahead. Rap me in the teeth right in the middle of my father's funeral.
I deserve it. Come on.
I guess it would be in bad taste.
Would you, would you boys please,
please shut up until I finish this dedication.
Now, where was I?
Where did I start?
I've got to start over again.
Oh, sugar.
I can't hear a thing.
Dearly beloved
and others.
We are gathered...
Oh!
Amen.
Hey!
Hey.
Tony.
Jane.
Jane. Get out of here. Tony!
What are you, nuts?
Get off that bus, lady.
I changed my seat. Tony.
You're going to kill yourself.
Listen, get off there, man, these people paid.
Get off my bus, miss.
You're acting crazy now.
I'm gonna smack you.
Tony!
I love you.
Tony, wait.
Aren't you going to feel guilty?
Tony!
What do I care?
You'll be back. You'll be back for more.
It's okay now.
Say, it's going to be a full moon again, isn't it?
Well, you sound lonesome. You leaving home for the first time?
Yeah.
That sure is some pushy dame over there. Hanging on the bus and everything.
Well she can't help being crazy about me.
Oh, I can understand that, you are attractive.
Listen, uh, you want to sit up here next to me? I'll let you steer?
No, thank you, uh...
So you don't happen to know Coach Cleveland, do you?
Would you stop it? Now, look.
It says right in the regulation, no touching, talking to
and/or annoying the bus driver while the bus is in motion.
Says it right in the regulations.
What kind of passengers do I get?
First she hangs on the bus, now this nut.
I ain't never...
I'm not going to tell you ag...
Uh, attention. Attention, passengers.
This is your bus driver speaking.
Help!
Where'd he bite you?
I mean, who would believe this? Who would believe it? Look at this.
Right over here.
A wolf bites me on a Greyhound.
I don't... And he runs off and steals my bus.
That little fuzzy son of a bitch.
I don't believe... $86,000 I gotta come up with.
Look at this, he bit him on the ass.
I carry the sign of the pentagram.
I will remain young, never to age.
I am doomed to wander the Earth until I get sick of packing.
Then I will return home to fulfill my destiny.
Did I leave anything out?
Beat Simpson.
There's still time.
Excuse me.
You see that? Get a load of that guy.
Unbelievable.
That lad out there is a spitting image of a youngster I had on the football team
almost 20 years ago.
I'm not absolutely sure I had him. As a matter of fact...
Did I come at a bad time?
It's always a bad time.
I don't think my class likes me at all.
Well, we mustn't be frightened of our students.
I try to explain to my pupils that flogging is not permitted in schools today.
But they keep right on hitting me.
Twenty years. Where's my youth flown?
Now, I have been...
I've been looking at your record here, Miss...
Montgomery. Montgomery.
And, uh...
It appears you've been in six schools in the last four years.
And you've been
sexually assaulted in each and every one of them.
Well, yes.
And the last school was an all girls school.
Well... An elementary all girls school?
A handicapped, elementary all girls school.
They began bussing in some very hostile girls.
Uh-huh.
Well you are in high school now, missie.
With students who are mature enough to be threatened.
So you just look them straight in the eye and you bend them to your iron will.
Couldn't we search the children before each class?
Take away their knives and razors.
We are installing a metal detector next term.
Until then we are going to have to make do, aren't we?
Who is looking after your class?
Go, go. Go.
What is that? Beer? Is that an alcoholic beverage?
Explain that to your mother.
Hi.
Don't.
Leave him alone. Leave him al... Oh, you swine.
Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it.
Oh.
What's that smell?
Oh, oh.
Oh.
Oh, hello.
Well, hello.
You're new here.
I bet you aren't even armed yet.
Oh, no. I'm just here to register for classes.
Uh, see my father used to go to this school. Tony Walker, Sr.
You don't mean that spooky ol' Walker house out on Sycamore Road.
Uh-huh. See, uh, my father dropped out.
He never graduated, he never got a chance to play in the big game.
And you came back to do all that for him.
Well, be careful.
Between the two of us,
don't bring any valuables to school, such as books or papers or lunch.
I certainly hope I'm in one of your classes. You're very nice.
I am? Yes.
You're also quite pretty.
I am?
Well. Of course I am.
Hi there.
You're really a fox, you know.
Not exactly, but you're close.
Say, Son, I thought somebody might be trespassing. Did you buy this place?
No, uh, my family stills own it.
Yeah, my dad used to live here when he was a boy.
I knew your dad real well.
Boy, you sure do look a lot like him.
Oh, thank you very much.
You know, old Full Moon High, we had a great ball team back when your dad was around.
We, uh, could beat Simpson if he'd stuck around for a while.
Well maybe we'll beat 'em this year, huh?
Yeah.
Say, what happened to ol' Tony?
I thought he'd write or come back or something.
He's, uh...
He's not alive anymore. I don't really like to talk about it.
Boy, you sure do sound a lot like him.
I'm sorry, I ran over your sign out front.
Oh, that's perfectly okay.
I don't plan on selling the place.
I think I'm going to live here at least until I graduate.
Oh, well, look, you'll have to come over for dinner sometime.
My wife, Janey, she used to know your dad real well.
Exceptionally well, as a matter of fact.
She'd probably really enjoy seeing you.
Now, look, uh, good luck with cleaning the house up.
Thank you.
Take care.
You, too.
So long, Jack.
Not that yearbook again, Jane. You're wearing out the pages.
Oh, Jack. Where did the time go? How did we let it slip away.
And one day, you changed.
Please don't start on that again, all right, please?
Well it's easy for you to say. You always looked old.
You guys should have seen that new kid Tony on the field today.
He made a 60-yard run right through the line. Nobody could stop him.
I got so excited I dropped my pom-poms.
Hey, no eating in the living room, huh?
Now, come here, Edward. Tell me all about this boy.
Oh, he's wonderful.
I'll pick out his father's picture in the yearbook.
He, he was on almost every page, you know, he was so popular. Not like you.
Ah.
Oh, that's him.
Same face exactly. Same bulging thigh muscles.
Same well-rounded calves. That's the same beautiful...
All right, all right. We all loved him.
But he dropped out of school. He quit right before the big game.
His kid'll probably do the same thing and disappoint us.
Your father is just insanely jealous because sometimes in the height of passion,
I yell out something that sounds just like Tony.
Actually all I'm saying is honey.
I always called Tony honey.
Huh. Yeah, so did the coach.
Look, uh, Janey. I'm warning you.
Stay away from this kid. He's young, he's wild, he's impetuous.
Those round bulging thighs and those perfectly formed calves.
Look, I happen to be a grown woman and a mother.
You will not forbid me to see anyone.
Why, but for a twist of fate that boy might have been my own son.
You mean, my brother?
No, silly. You would have never been born.
That would have been nice.
Look, uh, son. Don't let your mother fool you.
We, uh, loved you as a baby and wanted you with all our heart.
It wasn't till you were about 12 that we started to tire of you.
That's when you started eating in the living room.
Now get out of here. Out now.
Jane.
Uh, since this came up,
I was just wondering. It's something I gotta know.
Before we were married,
did you ever have sex with anyone else?
No. Only with me.
Oh, Tony, Tony.
Oh, honey.
That's what I said.
Keep your dirty feet off the slip covers!
Hello, Dad.
You know, you're lucky, being able to die.
I can't die.
I don't even get a temperature
I never had kids, Dad.
I don't really even know if I can have 'em.
Maybe I can have pups.
I don't know.
Probably wouldn't be fair to the girl.
Well, Pop, I don't know what else to say, except I miss you
and I'll see you around.
I miss you, but not that much. Come on, let go, Pop.
Don't be a clinging parent, please.
And you.
You get out of here. Go find a roof to play on or something.
You're driving me nuts.
Excuse me.
Hands off the hips, please.
This music causes deafness. We're going to have a whole deaf generation.
I'm investing all my savings in hearing aids.
Hey, Miss Montgomery, you look super.
Where's that Tony Walker boy?
I guess he's not coming.
$70 at the beauty parlor shot to hell.
Miss Montgomery. This kind of exhibitionism can only lead to an orgy, I mean an accident.
Miss Montgomery.
One sniff, one sniff. And don't sneeze on it.
All right.
This is my personal stash.
What, what the... What, what, what?
One sniff! I ain't gonna smoke that shit!
This sucker's for real!
Come on, Nick. Where are you?
Nick. Nick, this isn't funny anymore.
Finally you are getting to be a total turn-off.
Nick. Oh, God, no. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it.
I, here, here, look it, take it, look it.
Here, look at some more. Oh not again.
- I beg your pardon. - I beg your...
Wait a minute. This is not a wolf.
This is not a wolf, this is an ape.
It's an ape. Get off the ape.
Hi, Dad. What are you doing in there?
Perspiring.
No. I mean, why, why are you dressed like an ape, going to a dance?
I don't know, Dad. It's an attention-getting device.
I can't dance and I can't skate. I thought if I went to the dance like this
it might attract members of the opposite sex. Kind of reveal me as a,
as a wild and crazy kind of guy, you know? And maybe perhaps eventually lead to
an eventual sex gratification.
Shit. Why didn't I think of this when I was in school?
Yeah, it wasn't a bad idea. But, you know the guy in the wolf outfit,
he had the same exact idea.
Wolf? What wolf? What wolf?
I saw him at the dance. I saw him, too.
Yeah he, he went that way!
I've waited 20 years for this. You've got my bus but you ain't going to get my cab.
Now just get out of this cab. Get out. I'm not giving up this cab.
$84,000 I had to pay for that bus and I'm not going to give up this cab.
So just, get out. Get out of my cab. Get out of this...
Another bummer.
I can't make it.
I'm failing every subject. I'm going to flunk out!
Oh, who am I kidding? I'll never get to play against Simpson and break that jinx.
Want a bite? Of who? Of what?
Alfalfa and goat cheese sandwich on pita bread.
Oh, no thank you. I, uh, I really kind of pigged out last night.
Oh. You're sure not a veggie. I can tell. You're too hyped up.
You're not into meditation either. You really ought to give it a shot.
T.M. changed my life.
Really? Uh-huh.
So maybe you're the friend I've been looking for.
Sounds like you don't have any.
Can you keep a secret?
I don't. Now this may sound kind of strange to you
but I... I trust you. I feel vegetarians are trustworthy.
We are. Want an apple, grape, kumquat drink with asparagus juice added?
No, no, no, thank you.
What's your name? Ricky.
Tony. Hi.
You see, Ricky, I have a problem. I change.
Fickle?
No, no, no. Physically. I change physically.
I'm sure that you can understand that. You probably just finished going through
all kinds of changes yourself.
You're not getting boobs, are you? Listen, if you are, don't worry.
Hormone shots can fix it.
No, no, no. My, my problem is worse than that. It's much worse.
Worse than boobs?
Say, is that your mother?
Where?
She's waving at you. I think she wants you.
Oh, no, no.
Yes, ma'am?
Now who says we don't get a chance to live life over again, Tony Walker?
Junior. I think you're confusing me with my father.
Uh-huh. Now you can fool everybody, but you can't fool me.
A scar under your right eye?
Now I know every, every single mark on your body, darling.
Don't call me that, lady. Uh, I mean, what are you?
One of these molesters that hangs around our school yards?
And don't try to open that raincoat either.
Let's stop pretending. I happen to be a better detective than my husband
and I know all about werewolves and their little problems.
Ssh, ssh. You didn't tell anybody, did you?
Tomorrow I'm going to take you to an expensive restaurant.
A place where Jack is too cheap to take me.
And then we're going to discuss immortality. I'll pick you up at noon,
you fierce, handsome bruiser. Or do I cry wolf?
Okay. Okay. Okay?
I'll be there.
Will you talk to me? What if I come up, over to your house tonight?
And you tell me privately.
Okay. But not too late tonight. Can you get by about 6:30 before sundown,
before it gets dark? Sure.
It's absolutely imperative that you get there on time, though.
Well I'll be there, cutie. Anything for you. Okay.
Hi. Hi. Come on in.
So this is what it's like in here.
Yeah, this is what it's like, all right.
You know, I used to be scared to death of this place when we drove by.
Yeah, a lot of people still are. Why nobody lived here.
After your grandfather shot himself and your father ran away from home.
Boy, it's like one of these real haunted houses.
Yeah, well come on. I'll show you the rest. Boy, you sure work fast.
Well there's no time to waste. Come on, come on.
Where'd you get all this home movie gear? Uh, I rented this.
What's this on the bed for?
Hey. You are kinky.
I don't think this is my scene.
No, this is my scene. Look, what I want you to do...
Yeah?
...is strap me into this bed,
turn on that camera and then go home quickly.
You mean, you don't want me to even stay? You're extra kinky.
What do you do all alone when you're all tied up?
You're a contortionist. Oh.
I need positive proof of what happens to me. Photographic evidence that even
Mike Wallace will believe.
And after the big game on Saturday, I'm going to show the whole world.
You're an exhibitionist, too? Huh. You sure seemed straight.
Want to put on my stockings?
No, no, no. What I need you to do is fasten me in here as tight as you can.
Very tight. I mustn't be able to slip loose.
That's good enough, that's good enough. That's a little too tight, actually.
Oh, well. Oh. You're cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just put these on here.
Oh, oh, all right. Like, like that? Ow. That's tight enough. That's tight.
Down here, baby.
That's too tight. Will you take it easy? I know what you like.
Hey, hey, hey. You're cutting off the circulation.
Ow, ow, ow. Are you turned on yet?
No, I don't get turned on.
Wait a minute. I know what to do. What are you doing?
Hey, hey, hey. Ow.
No. You just tell me when it starts to feel good.
That doesn't feel good. Ow.
You big masochist. You want me to talk dirty?
What do you want me to say, huh?
Switch on the camera. It's happening. It is?
Yes, quick. The camera and then get out of here.
You mean it wasn't on yet? No.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, please, please.
Take two.
Oh, I'm so glad, Tony...
You let me know what you really wanted.
I love it when...
Ooh. You're so violent.
Whew. I don't know what you do to me. Don't you ever cut loose?
I do.
Oh this is wild. It blows me away. Magic fingers.
Don't get mad!
I mean, I won't-- I won't hit you anymore, see?
I remember.
Kick him in the balls and run like hell.
What do I do now? Wait, when a shark attacks you,
you hit him in the nose!
Now what? What the hell!
Come back here, you big hairy-legged coward!
Who do you think you're screwing around with? Little Red Riding Hood?
We can take care of ourselves nowadays.
Come on out, you big macho son of a bitch.
It isn't only me you're afraid of, it's this knife. It's silver.
See? My parents were wrong. The Late, Late Show is educational.
I have to think of you as Tony.
It isn't easy. But you are Tony.
Now don't be growling. It just pisses me off.
Did you get scalded?
Your feet are killing you?
You know, I read a report once that wolves are very family-loving animals.
They take better care of their young than humans do.
And that's not saying a hell of a lot.
Better? That's good.
Oh, by the way. I hope those pictures come out.
Boy, everybody's not going to believe how you did it. They are going to think
it's special effects. But I'm your witness.
You're out of the closet now.
What's the matter? You want to be petted?
I guess everybody needs stroking.
Come here.
Well, this isn't exactly your average evening. You're not exactly boring.
You're not exactly good-looking either.
I suppose a person could get used to you.
You're not much of a conversationalist.
But then, I'm a very verbal person and you're a very good listener.
Maybe we should keep seeing each other for awhile, just in case anything happens.
But you've got to do something about your breath.
Good afternoon. May I take your order please?
I'd like the chicken.
I feel more like roast beef, rare. No, raw. I would like it raw.
No, Tony. Why don't you have the chicken?
Well which is it? Uh, I... I'll have the chicken.
The chicken cooked, please. Very good choice, sir.
Thank you.
What's the matter? Is your collar too tight? No.
Why are you squirming like that? Don't ask.
Well you can't be changing. I mean, it's only, it's, uh, 1:30 in the afternoon.
Well I... I itch.
I wish you'd stop this. Everybody in the restaurant is looking.
Oh, God, oh, God. It's like when the barber gets hair down your shirt.
Oh, Tony, it's not that. What?
You've got fleas. Oh, don't say that.
It's from sleeping in the woods.
Right after lunch, I'll spray you and you may have to wear a little flea and tick collar.
Oh. And it will look very well on you, sir.
Ma'am, you're chicken. Cooked.
Thank you.
Now. Let's get down to brass tacks, Tony.
Fleas or no fleas,
I want to be your woman.
Am I too old for you now?
Oh, I don't know. Did you ever see that movie, Harold and Maude?
Yeah, I saw that movie Harold and Maude and I really don't want to talk about it.
Now, Tony why can't you do for me what the werewolf did for you. Make me ageless
and immortal and then we can just be together throughout all eternity.
Oh, I don't know. We might run out of things to say to each other. Like by next Tuesday.
Then where would we be for the next million years, huh?
Oh, no.
Not again.
I gave in Rumania.
Oh.
Your food's getting cold.
Yeah, I know. I like it body temperature.
Aah.
This is silver.
It's real silver and it touched me. I'm going to be sick.
Pay the check first. Then be sick. Somewhere else.
Get out of my way.
Ah! Get back!
Can you tell me? Have you killed lots of people?
Oh, no, I... I've never killed anyone.
I just kind of nibble, uh, I'm, I'm a nosher.
A little bit goes a long way, you know.
But I'm worried one day my eyes will get bigger than my stomach
and then who knows what will happen?
I want to get out into the bushes for awhile.
Oh, I spend every night in the bushes. It's no novelty for me.
I want you to make love to me, Tony. One time as you are now.
The real Tony.
Yeah, but, it, it's hot out there and there's mosquitoes and gnats.
I want to have something to remember.
What? Last night wasn't unusual enough for you?
How long has it been since you've gone all the way with a woman?
Uh, 21 years, uh,
three months and, uh,
14 days.
That's a ballpark figure.
Do you ever get horny?
Don't you ever take off this jacket?
Yeah, on special occasions.
This is pretty special.
Can you scratch in between my shoulder blades? Oh sure. Oh yes.
No, just scratch. How's that?
That's good, that's good.
Oh good. Did I get it? Something on my left leg. Oh my God. It's, I get it.
Yeah, oh, that's perfect. Perfect.
Oh, oh, you lost it.
It's not the bugs. It's me, Ricky. I... I've got fleas.
Excuse me?
Oh, that would make a very nice belt buckle.
Yeah, right. Uh, look, uh, this is a rush job I need from you.
I need you to make me some, uh, silver bullets. I need them on a .38 caliber.
Well, listen, for .38 caliber perhaps I would suggest some little silver plate, maybe.
Not, uh, um, antique perhaps? Uh, eh, well, a little designer silver?
I tell you what. What about maybe a little hand-raised or casted. A little engraving.
Some... something endearing.
No, no. Nothing gaudy. This is, uh, not going to be worn on the outside.
It, it's going, uh, inside.
Oh, yeah inside.
What's that? Leonard. Wake up. Wake up.
I'm sorry. You ready again?
It's not that. I think something's out there.
Does that mean I can go now?
A trespasser, Leonard. It's my father!
What would bring your father here at this hour?
He's a burglar. He'll be a murderer if he catches me here.
I'm supposed to be out stealing hubcaps.
And I learned my lesson, Miss Montgomery.
I'll never forget my homework again.
No. Don't leave me.
Come back, you premature ejaculator.
Hello? Who is it?
Answer me.
Police.
Hello? Police department. Hello.
I'm alone in the house. Someone has broken in
and I may not like him.
I have to put you on hold.
I need help, not Muzak.
Oh, that is kind of catchy.
This is your Full Moon Police Department. We're not in right now, but if you leave
your message when you hear the beep, we'll try to get right back to you.
Hello?
There's a thing in my room. And it's coming at me.
Remember. Wait for the beep.
Beep.
Let's put those cigarettes out right now. Not on each other's necks.
We are, again, going to attempt to show our film on sex education.
I wish to thank the student or students who returned our projector.
Today we cover the relationships between members of the opposite sex.
Hi, Tony.
This is a substitution. Run this.
Oh, hi Tony. Oh, I'm, I... I can't.
There's no, there's no leader on it.
Just thread it up.
Come on, let's go in and check it out. Come on, come on.
You three wait outside. We're going in to check it.
Hold it down, will you? It's a school.
You can't show that home movie yet, Tony.
They'll never let you play in the big game.
I can't wait anymore. I finally did it last night with Miss Montgomery.
The works?
All the way. She wouldn't run away from me. I... I knew she liked me.
I didn't know I'd like her that much. I have to be locked up immediately.
Oh, it's starting. Tony.
You said you had some real important evidence?
Yeah, I'm glad you could make it. Take my seat.
Oh, no, I'd love to watch a movie. I really haven't got time, though.
Miss Montgomery's missing, her room's been turned over.
Yeah, I know, because I did it. Tony, uh, don't make light of this situation,
okay? I mean, I know your dad way...
I'm my dad, it's me. Just sit down.
Sit down and watch. I really...
Sit down.
Did he go "Grrr"?
Schweinfers, would you turn our lights off for us please?
People, let's not have any nonsense in the dark.
Tony!
Not bad.
Looks like a porno film.
What a school.
Hey, this is like The Exorcist .
Hey, Tony, when's your head going to start to turn around?
Turn that thing off. I'll finish watching this in private.
You touch that machine and I'll bite your ear off.
Maybe it's a science project.
Oh shit.
Let's watch our language.
Holy shit, look at that.
God, look at all that hair.
It's the Wookie!
I am not the Wookie. I am the werewolf.
He ate my second cousin.
There goes the whole goddamn football season.
Let's have the lights!
That was sick! Show it again.
Sorry, miss, I'm going to have to take him in
before everybody gets sick and barfs.
And I get sick and then I barf.
Me, too.
Yeah, that's right, that's right. Put 'em on behind my back.
Don't trust me. I'm a killer. Finally after 20 years.
Gee, thanks for making this easy, kid. Come on.
Tony?
The film is evidence.
You've got a great ass.
Hey, Ricky, baby, you can do that to me anytime, girl.
Hey, can I get a clip of that?
They're not going to put me to sleep are they, Jack?
No, no, no. The ASPCA won't let 'em. You'll probably be tested,
treated, de-fleaed. You'll probably be approached to do a book.
Yeah, but how will I ever get my head together? Not to mention my punctuation.
I-I'll help you with that, Tony.
Now I'm going to get you the services of America's greatest abnormal psychiatrist.
His name is Dr. Jacob Brand.
Wrote a lot of bestsellers like Potty Training for College Credit.
Do you know him?
No. But what psychiatrist would turn down the chance to work on a real werewolf?
For a percentage.
All right, buddy. All right, buddy.
Buddy, just take it easy. Take it easy.
Stay back, stay back!
Listen, I've got something to tell you.
I'm going over now. Take a deep breath.
Take it easy.
I'm going to jump. Don't jump.
Why not? You've got a phone call.
I don't care. Long distance.
Is it paid for?
Sure, every penny. Come on, come on.
I don't care. I'm jumping anyway.
No, don't jump!
Is it a man or a woman?
I don't know, I couldn't tell.
That's why I'm jumping. You can never tell anymore.
Dr. Brand, Dr. Brand. Come on, the guy's going to jump off the roof.
That's okay. I'll take over now. Hey you!
Drop dead. Drop 43 stories dead. Take a long walk on a short pier.
What pier?
He belongs to the ridicule and insult school of psychiatry.
He shames 'em down.
What are you, deaf, too? Take a hop. Take a walk. Take a ride. Take a fall.
Can I get another doctor please?
No. You don't deserve anybody better than me.
You want to kill yourself? Do yourself a favor, something constructive,
get a job in a nuclear power plant.
Do it quick. I've got an appointment at two o'clock.
Doc, do me a favor, The guy is going to jump off the roof.
So what? Probably nobody will come to the funeral anyway.
Oh, oh, oh, the ledge is collapsing.
Aha, I made you look. Shame on you. You baby.
I bet you were a pansy in school.
You, you. You're just like my father. I'll kill you.
Hang on, I'm coming. I'm coming.
That's a doctor you're hurting, there. What are you doing, you crazy...
Get off of me!
Come here, come here you.
Get off of me!
Who's doing what to who?
You're breaking my neck!
No, the firefighters got the jumper.
The firefighter's got the doctor.
No, the jumper's got the firefighter.
You want to fight? Fight like a man.
12-year-old girls fight better than that.
He shamed him down.
Jesus, what a couple of jerks.
They didn't even try to fly.
Thanks for coming, Doctor. In a minute you'll see him in either the flesh or the fur.
He hadn't turned into much of anything yet.
Tony, this is the famous Dr. Brand.
Hello.
So.
You turn into a wolf.
Who cares? You think you're the only werewolf? Eastern Europe is full of your kind.
And if we wanted more werewolves in this country, we would send for them.
Are you sure this is the right man?
You expected somebody to kiss your ass, didn't you, big shot?
What's so great about taking a step backwards in evolution?
I'd like to see a wolf turn into a man. That would be progress.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
I think I'd better leave before I attack the doctor myself.
Oh, please. Please. Please just go join a band, will ya?
Doc, I'm getting that odd feeling.
Oh yes? Would you like to describe it to me?
Well you know in the cartoons when the mouse reaches
down into the cat and turns him inside out?
Hold on. Hold on. Let's get all this great dialogue down on tape.
This is Dr. Brand speaking.
Thank you, thank you, hold the applause.
Testing one, two, three. Testing.
Excuse me. Uh,
would you mind not talking when I am, please? It muddies up the tape. Thank you.
We're in the Full Moon County Jail
with a deranged student now who thinks he's a werewolf.
You have a mirror handy?
Downstairs in the men's room.
I'm not interested in your fetishes.
We can deal with that at some later date.
Would you go get it, please? And bring it back to me.
If you can without breaking it. So the sickie here can tell me what he sees
as opposed to what we, the healthy see?
It'll only take a minute, Doc.
With you it'll take a week. Run, slowpoke.
I don't have all night for this jackass experiment.
While we're alone,
would you sign this please?
And don't bother to read it. You wouldn't understand it anyway.
Hey. I said, don't read it.
This says you want me to sign my body over to science.
You don't expect me to piss away a perfectly good werewolf, do you? Besides,
my, my wife is looking for a fur coat this winter.
What kind of a doctor would gyp a guy out of his own body? Huh?
Oh, it's really getting bad now, Doc.
Look at this. The hair's coming out on my hands.
And, and my nails are growing. Can you see this?
You should be taking notes on this.
Then it's true. A real werewolf. Well you've got the right to say it.
Dr. Norman Brand is a schmuck.
I thought you were Dr. Jacob Brand?
I am. Norman Brand is my father. He was a schmuck. Five dollars for a house call.
Yeah, five dollars for a house call is very reasonable.
Speak up, Mowgli. Let's get this down on tape.
I gotta get to the game.
Make that touchdown.
Break the jinx.
Okay. Narcissus, open up the cell so I can administer the hypodermic.
I don't have any authority to let you in there.
Must you tell everybody the, the extremities of your I.Q.?
Now repeat after me. I am a moron.
Good. Now open the door and hold up the mirror
so I can show this guy what a jerk he's making out of himself.
You're going to have to hold the mirror.
'Cause I'm going to have my hands full with my gun.
Okay. Uh...
Hang on there, will you? Thank you.
This won't drug me, will it?
No, no. I have the drugs. You have a little plastic thing.
Would you be so kind as to open the door now?
Yes sir. Thank you.
Would you hold my gun?
I'd be delighted.
Excuse me one minute. You see the tape recorder sitting on there?
Yes, I do.
If you open the door, it will fall to the floor causing me great expense
and you were hit on the head.
I already broke my walkie-talkie like that.
It's open, sir.
I can hardly believe it. My, how proud you must be.
Well, why don't we slide the little bugger down the wall?
I'm going in.
Right behind you, sir.
All right. Calm yourself down now.
This is simply a shot to put you to sleep.
So that when I skin you, it will not be unbelievably painful.
Shoot him. Shoot him.
Shoot him better.
Jesus. He got the camera. A wolfman in the cell and he shoots the camera.
Did he get the cameraman, too? Vilmos, are you okay?
Oh. He'll never pull focus again, the poor bastard.
The best scene, the best special effects
and they're missing it because you shot the camera.
You idiot! Can't you tell a wolfman from a Panavision?
He didn't even kill me. What am I, poison?
If you only listened, you stupid genius. Now we have to go and catch him again.
I want to go with you.
If there are any more risks to be taken, if anybody else has to put
their life on the line, we'd both have to make sure that it's not me.
I can't believe it. This is not exciting to me.
The Simpson team is slaughtering Full Moon High.
Full Moon High is in desperate trouble...
Make that point!
Break that jinx.
One touchdown.
He's out there. Watching and waiting in the dark.
An animal trying to remember who he was when he was human.
There must be some strange way he belongs here.
Come back here, you predatory son of a bitch.
Play the last play in the greatest game of all.
That was beautiful, Sarge, that was beautiful.
Yeah, I know. I worked on that all night.
Give us another score. We can't stand it anymore...
He's out there... watching and waiting in the dark.
An animal trying to remember who he was when he was human.
Knowing he belongs here somehow.
Come back, you huge predatory son of a bitch.
Come back and play your last play in the greatest game of all.
What you just said? That was beautiful.
Get off the field. You're expelled.
Don't shoot too many holes because I get the body.
Hey, that's school equipment you're going to have to pay for that, punk.
Aw, shit.
...took a bite out of the ball like in 1932.
But again, that wasn't the entire football.
I'm holding my fire. Clear the field.
The vital question stands then. Did he take a chomp out of that
sucker before he crossed the line? That's the question here.
He's turned bad, honey. He's a rotten wolf now.
No. No, under the hair and teeth, he's still my Tony.
Well I guess it's true. Looks don't count in men, if you've got personality.
Stop that firing. It won't do any good. I'm the only one that can stop him.
It's Jane. Sure, it's Jane. Remember me?
Remember all the things we used to do in the woods or up on the floor in my room? Huh?
On the floor? She likes it on the floor?
Now we're going to walk off this field unmolested.
Jane, that's bestiality. Surer than shit.
I can't believe this. I can't believe my eyes.
We'll adopt, Tony. We're going home now, Tony.
Well I don't want to share my room. Especially with a werewolf.
Jane. We can't bring him home. We just got new drapes.
You'll ruin the broadloom.
Don't hurt him!
Would you mind taking your hands off my Tony, Mrs. Flynn?
Your Tony? What does this guy got?
And you were out in the bushes in the woods with him, too?
Tony. You told everybody.
I didn't think you were the kind that told.
See, Jane? He hasn't been faithful. He couldn't even wait 20 years.
You gonna shoot him? Are you going to shoot the bastard?
How can I dissect him if you don't shoot him.
Please toss the gun aside, Detective Flynn.
I know you're not afraid of him.
Well, w-well of course I'm not.
But they can smell fear, you know. Fortunately for us I wear
deodorant and after shave, so we're pretty safe in that department.
Go ahead and take a whiff. You don't smell any fear, do you?
Mmm, no, it's nice and musky. Oh, it kinda turns me on.
You want to put the goddamned gun down, stop smelling so good now, please? Thank you.
Look at this now.
Disgrace of the world.
Why do I always have to do everything?
You're a mad scientist.
I hate psychiatrists. I'm never going back.
He shot the werewolf!
I think I blew it.
I'm in trouble.
Shoot him.
Oh, Christ. I knew I should have worn my glasses.
I never did have good hand-eye coordination.
Put me down.
You big lobo, I said put me down, not throw me down.
He's not hurt. They can't kill him.
Somebody get a veterinary.
Tony. Tony?
Tony?
I know all of you! Let him die with a song ringing in his ears.
Our song. The Full Moon High School anthem.
Now I want you to sing it like you never, ever sang it before.
♪ All hail to thee, oh, Full Moon High.
♪ Doo doo doo doo
♪ We'll sing thy virtues unto the sky.
♪ Doo doo doo doo
♪ Our alma mater, we'll be true ♪
You're singing the wrong song.
Again.
♪ Hail to thee, o Full Moon High
♪ We'll sing thy virtues to the sky
♪ Our alma mater, we'll be true
♪ As we wear thy gold and blue
Look, he's shedding.
I guess they do that when they die.
The Wookie's dead, I mean the wolfman.
Probably for the best, though. You were ruining property values.
He's gone now.
He's gone to a better place.
A world where foaming at the mouth and biting people
don't necessarily make you an outcast.
Yes, there are more things in heaven and earth than this world dreams of.
Oh, Tony Walker, you were a great ball player and a pretty fair wolfman and,
Full Moon High will probably never forget you.
But we're going to give it a hell of a shot, kid.
Come on, Janey. Let's go home. We've got a big fight ahead of us.
Oh, my God, it's catching. She's turning into a balloon or something.
Stop screaming, will you?
Look at that, look at that. I'm probably allergic to him.
Like cats, you know.
Please, you know, you have nothing to worry about. We were just incompatible.
Maybe, maybe it was your aftershave.
Look, sweetheart, if you ever need any help, just give me a buzz, okay?
I will, Detective Flynn.
I promise. After a suitable period of mourning.
How about Tuesday?
Oh, don't worry about me, folks.
Nowadays with inflation it takes at least eight silver bullets to kill a werewolf.
Miss Montgomery?
Miss Montgomery. Oh, Miss Montgomery?
Miss Montgomery.
Ms. Montgomery?
Miss Montgomery.
Miss Montgomery? It's your turn to bite me now.
Miss Montgomery?