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Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big Glasgow welcome to...

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Michael McIntyre!

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Come on, then! Bravo!

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Good evening. Hello!

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Welcome.

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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to my Comedy Roadshow!

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Oh, yeah!

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Right here...

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in my favourite city of them all.

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It's Glasgow!

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The last time I was in Glasgow, I spoke to somebody in the front row,

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which was kind of embarrassing.

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He was there with his glasses. He was holding them like that.

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I was like, "This is weird. Why's he brought his glasses?"

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So I said to him, "What are you doing with your glasses here?"

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Do you have not high hopes for the show?

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Are you reading during my show? Are they reading glasses?

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He just looked at me and went, "I've got a lazy eye!"

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Now, this was awkward, OK?

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You could feel the atmosphere in the theatre shift, so I tried to change the subject.

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"What's your name?" "Iain." I couldn't resist it. "Is that with two Is?"

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It was there for the taking. He set that up.

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Let me introduce you to some people we have in the audience.

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We have Colin and Justin here! How exciting!

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Colin and Justin!

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Neil Lennon, ladies and gentlemen. Neil Lennon.

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CHEERING AND BOOING

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Now, I might have...

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I might have mixed up the biogs. So, Neil, you're an interior designer?

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And Colin and Justin, you manage Celtic? Is that right?

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"First of all, the hoops have to go!"

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"Come on, Colin, let's see what we can do...with the midfield."

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I'm not going to dwell on football

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but it's a wide open championship, as it always is here in Scotland.

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I always love to see the league table. Rangers, 7,210 points.

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Celtic 7,210 points.

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Hearts, seven.

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Anyone could win it. It's wide open.

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It was a taxi driver yesterday who told me not to get into football.

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He said, "I'll give you an example.

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"There was an American tourist that I picked up,

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"and they were in brand-new Rangers... Brand-new kits,

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"with big white shorts and a huge white new trainers."

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And they just said to him, "Hey, we've just been to Ibrox and we've got our new Rangers suits.

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"Can you take us into town?"

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Apparently, the taxi driver said, "It'll probably be quicker if I just take you to A&E."

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Do you think that I've lost weight, though, Colin and Justin?

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I put a lot of weight on, because I have children, and I would eat their food.

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This is what happens. I started to eat it before they'd had a go at it,

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which was when I started to realise, this has to stop.

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Most parents go, eat up all your food.

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I was going, "Hey, leave some for me. Come on, Daddy's hungry."

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I have two children. They're five two years old, Lucas and Oscar.

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It's very difficult to look after two children.

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My wife does an amazing job. All mums do an amazing job.

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- APPLAUSE 
- Yes, let's applaud mums! There you go.

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But, when I have to look after them on my own,

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it is actually very, very difficult.

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I'll take them to the park and they run in opposite directions

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and I have a split second to pick my favourite. Oh!

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He's quite cute, but he shows academic promise...

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They watch a lot of TV, I'm not going to lie to you.

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I plonk them in front of the TV.

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I've got TVs in the car.

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I've even strapped a DVD player to the baby's buggy. Watch that!

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What annoys me about children's TV is the adverts.

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They have these adverts for toys we have to buy.

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They're like, "Daddy, I want this, I want this Transformer! I want it."

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It's always rubbish, and I buy it, and I can't get it out of the packaging.

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You need the smallest screwdriver known to man

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to access the battery compartment of toys, and you can't buy them.

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You have to wait until Christmas Day

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and hope you get the cracker with the miniature screwdriver set,

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otherwise you have no chance of getting in.

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And what winds me up even more is they have adverts

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aimed at parents on children's television.

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Their theory makes sense - that the adults are watching telly

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with their kids, but my kids shouldn't be watching this shit, OK?

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"Washing machines live longer with Calgon!"

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My children sing this in the car.

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I'm like, # She'll be coming round the mountain... #

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"Washing machines live longer with Calgon!" I don't need that.

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I asked my son what he wants for his birthday.

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He wants Cillit Bang for his birthday. But why?

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Why do you want Cillit Bang?

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You're a five-year-old-boy.

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"Daddy, it is amazing. It gets rid of lime scale, grease, soap scum, grime.

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"The results are truly outstanding."

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Then my other son ran in. "Bang, and the dirt is gone!"

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Are you sure there's nothing else I can get you?

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"I want to consolidate all my debts into an easily affordable and manageable monthly lump sum."

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I got them a trampoline which I'm enjoying more than them

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cos I can see into my neighbours' gardens.

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It's exciting. "Oh, they've got a new barbecue. That's massive.

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"Look at this, darling." My wife and I jump together.

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"Oh, a gazebo. I never thought of that.

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"They've got a trampoline too."

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The other day I was bouncing and so was the neighbour. "Oh! Argh! Jesus!"

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You don't get that much fun as an adult.

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The most fun we get is revolving doors.

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That's the only real fun.

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There's no reason for them, revolving doors.

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It's normally next to a normal door.

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You walk towards the building you can see... Do I revolve in?

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Or do I do...? You have this option.

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That's easier, isn't it? But no, people will always prefer this.

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This is much more fun.

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That's the life, isn't it?

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Also, you don't have to hold it for anyone.

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When you open the door and you have to look behind you and see...

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Then you have to judge the distance of the person.

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Oh, is it worth waiting for this...?

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Sometimes you look at them and go, "Sorry, I..."

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But revolving doors can be quite tricky, as well.

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Especially when you're with somebody and the segments are coming round.

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They go in the segment and they look to you, "Are you coming in my segment?"

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"I don't know. All right, I'm in your segment with you. It's a bit cramped.

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"I should have taken my own segment!"

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Or they'll take a segment. "You go, I'll take my own segment.

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"I'm fine! I'm in my own segment."

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Then some complete stranger... "Get out of my segment!"

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Or they have those automatic revolving ones in airports.

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Huge, big ones, with a flower display in the middle.

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- SCOTTISH ACCENT:
- Is that something you guys added?

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You know what this revolving door needs?

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You know, when you walk into an airport, for two to three seconds...

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There's no shrubbery. We could definitely jazz it up a bit.

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Can I congratulate both of you, though, on being so kind

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to people at the beginning of 60 Minute Makeover?

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Just once, I think you should do a Christmas edition, where you're more honest. You know?

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When you just walk in and go,

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"What a pile of shit.

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"Do you live like this? You seriously...? Are you blind?

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"Hideous. Justin, I'm queasy.

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"Take me outside. I'm going to vomit.

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"Oh! Ah.

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"I've just vomited on your sofa and it's improved it.

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"I'll see you in 60 minutes. You disgust me."

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OK, I'm going to bring on my first guest of this evening.

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You are in for absolute treat. He is a fantastic comedian.

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It is a pleasure to have him.

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Please welcome the fantastic talent of Mr Milton Jones, ladies and gentlemen!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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- So, good evening! AUDIENCE:
- Good evening!

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< Hey!

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Some weird people about, aren't there?

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I was sitting in traffic the other day...

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and I got run over.

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My grandfather, he can't do what he used to, bless him.

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You know, bomb the Japanese.

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My other grandfather, he would never, ever throw anything away.

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I bet he died in the war, holding on to a hand grenade.

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My other grandfather...

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..his last words to me were, "you selfish boy".

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Not long after that I became a fishmonger.

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My other... Sell fish.

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My other grandfather... LAUGHTER

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Has got a metal plaque on his forehead dedicated to a park bench that died.

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My other grandfather...

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He broke his leg by standing on the doormat.

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Probably should have explained to him the concept of a helter-skelter.

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Students can study all sorts of things these days, but then the exams are a lot easier.

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I know this because I recently passed an exam in cheerleading.

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I just went in and said, "give me an A," and they did.

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I just went back to my old school, first time in 20 years.

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I took a note.

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I went back for the funeral of my old science teacher.

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They asked me to say a few words, so I did.

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Method.

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We put the coffin in the crematorium.

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Observations.

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It burned with an orange-y bright flame.

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Conclusion.

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No more homework.

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I was talking to a nurse the other day.

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She said the main problem facing the NHS is Holby City.

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Actually, she might have said, obesity.

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She was eating a cake at the time.

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I think if I had unlimited money I'd hire two private investigators

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and get them to follow each other.

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I would just like to say to the old man who was wearing camouflage gear

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and using crutches, who stole my wallet earlier...

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You can hide, but you can't run.

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I was walking along today, and on the road I saw a small dead baby ghost.

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Although, thinking about it,

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it might have been a handkerchief.

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Tricky, isn't it? If you've got to text someone that one of their

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relatives has died, and your name is Lol.

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May he rest in peace...

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Lol.

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This year, I went home for Christmas.

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Couldn't get in the door.

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Too many grandads.

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So what's it like, then, to have voices in your head?

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I hear you ask.

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Hopefully, I've got a book coming out soon.

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I shouldn't have eaten it, really.

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Well, it's great to have been here.

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I'll leave you with this.

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My other grandfather...

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I remember years ago,

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being in his house and on the table there was a chocolate cake.

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And he looked over at me, and he said, "Go on!

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"No-one's looking."

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I said, "What, really?" He said, "Go on!

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"No-one's looking."

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So I got up, and I punched Grandma.

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That's all from me. Have a good night. Thank you very much.

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We love Milton Jones!

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Wonderful.

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So you know what this is, don't you? This is my show.

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This is the Michael McIntyre Comedy Road Show.

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And the BBC just asked me if I had any ideas on how to promote the series, and to do trailers.

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And I've just put in a request. I don't know if they're going to go

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with it, but we're on after Casualty, and I've asked if I can be in Casualty.

216
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I want to be lying on a gurney, just coming down the corridor,

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and then just go, "watch my show straight after this." We'll see if they go for it.

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All right, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for my next guest of the evening?

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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It gives me great pleasure to introduce a man who is definitely going to go on to wonderful things.

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Please welcome to the stage Daniel Sloss, ladies and gentlemen.

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Hello!

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Ladies and gentlemen. Are you well this evening?

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Yes!

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As you can tell, I'm, like, 19, which is weird - being young and doing this job.

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Can't do stuff older comedians can do.

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You'll see older comedians who come on stage and brag about having sex with women half their age...

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LAUGHTER

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Tends to be frowned upon, really.

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I can't tell sex stories for two reasons. One, I look like this.

231
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If I were to tell a sex story, it would look and

232
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sound like a child reading out a molestation charge in court.

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I'd be standing there going, "First...she took her trousers off.

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"And then she took my trousers off."

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I might as well be holding a doll at this point, pointing out where she touched me.

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The other reason is, I'm 19.

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I'm not going to lie you - I don't have that many sexual experiences.

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If I were to tell a sex story it would go along the lines of...

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"I had sex! Yes!"

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"In your face, Dad!"

241
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,480
And nobody wants to hear that.

242
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,520
Especially not my girlfriend's dad.

243
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,920
I love my girlfriend. She's beautiful. She's funny. She's smart.

244
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:02,440
She's way out of my league. And those aren't my words.

245
00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,160
Those are her dad's...

246
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:07,960
in a letter he wrote to me at Christmas.

247
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:11,760
Covered in his own tears, which was nice of him, but, er... She's good.

248
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:17,960
We've been together for about just over a year, and she says she's open to a lot of things, sexually.

249
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,560
Apparently one of those things isn't criticism.

250
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,360
She was doing it wrong.

251
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:31,840
No, she's better than my ex-girlfriend. I hated my ex-girlfriend.

252
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:34,280
She called me Dan, because it was short for Daniel.

253
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:39,960
I called her Luce because...she was a slag. It was...

254
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:47,640
It's weird being young as well, though, because the media just

255
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:50,480
hate us, because we're stabby little things, apparently.

256
00:18:50,480 --> 00:18:54,840
One of my favourite ones comes from the comic book The Sun... Er...

257
00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,360
LAUGHTER

258
00:18:56,360 --> 00:19:02,080
And they said, "Did you know a shocking 60 per cent of teenage stabbings were due to disagreements?"

259
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,840
D'oh!

260
00:19:06,840 --> 00:19:10,080
I've never stabbed someone because they agreed with me!

261
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:13,480
"Dan, that was a great pub." "I know, you bell-end." It's not right.

262
00:19:15,360 --> 00:19:20,120
My favourite one was they came out, about Glasgow, and they said, "You are not more likely

263
00:19:20,120 --> 00:19:24,600
"to be stabbed in Glasgow than anywhere else in the world.

264
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:30,440
"But, if you are stabbed in Glasgow, you're more likely to be stabbed repeatedly."

265
00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:34,440
Because in Glasgow, when you commit a crime, you commit a crime!

266
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,240
So I'm still living at home with my parents, though, which

267
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:45,760
is quite funny because my dad, he's a very technical man, my dad.

268
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,880
He's good with me and my brothers. I've got two little brothers.

269
00:19:48,880 --> 00:19:52,120
One's a six year-old, and the other one's a dickhead and...

270
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:57,000
We mess around with him a lot. Whenever we go on family holidays

271
00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:01,040
and we get to the airport, when my dad gets to the metal-detector machine,

272
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:05,120
just as he starts to undo his belt, me and my brothers go, "No, Dad, I'm sorry!"

273
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:10,720
It's the best way to start a family holiday, I tell you.

274
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:14,480
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

275
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:17,880
He's very smart. He's very good with computers, and I'm not.

276
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:20,120
I can find the porn, and that's about it. Now...

277
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:24,400
One day my computer broke and I went, "Dad, do you mind fixing my computer?"

278
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,280
And he did the standard dad thing. He went, "OK, I'll fix it, right?

279
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,960
"But what I want you to do is I want you to watch

280
00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:32,600
"me fix it so next time it breaks, you know how to fix it, right?"

281
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,000
And I just went, "Yeah, whatever, dickhead, right?"

282
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,880
So he's sitting there, fiddling away. With the computer, not himself.

283
00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:41,120
Not that kind of family.

284
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:43,800
"What are you doing?" "Leave me alone."

285
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,280
It's probably not even broken, actually. But I was sitting

286
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:50,400
there, ignoring everything he said, and he then went to the internet.

287
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:56,360
He then went to the browsing history, and the Argos catalogue of porn revealed itself.

288
00:20:56,360 --> 00:20:58,880
Now, we'd both seen it. I couldn't pretend I hadn't seen it.

289
00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:00,720
I couldn't look away, because that would be acknowledging it.

290
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:04,440
I couldn't look at him because I was unsure if he still loved me.

291
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:09,360
Now, this means the longer we're staring at the screen, the more titles he's able to read.

292
00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,600
This stuff is bookmarked and favourited.

293
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:16,040
He learns more about me in this five minutes than he's ever wanted to know about me before.

294
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:20,200
And the only thing he can do, after two minutes of horrible silence,

295
00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:24,040
was move the mouse over one particular website and just go,

296
00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,640
"That one's good."

297
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:28,800
Oh, God!

298
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:39,400
The reason I'm sort of worried about getting old as well is... I'm not worried about being old.

299
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:43,320
I'm worried about the next generation of kids, because my brothers scare the crap out of me.

300
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:46,280
The dick is a 10 year-old. He's very smart.

301
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,080
He's a lot smarter than I ever was that age.

302
00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:50,120
The other day I was in my room and he came in.

303
00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:54,280
He's like, "Daniel, Daniel, Daniel! We learned something awesome at school."

304
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:55,880
Oh! "I don't care." "No, no, go on."

305
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:59,480
"Right, what is it?" "Did you know the tongue has memory?"

306
00:21:59,480 --> 00:22:02,520
"No, possibly because you made that up."

307
00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:08,360
"No, honestly. Because, you know, when you think of something sweet, your mouth starts to salivate?"

308
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,000
"Yeah, kind of."

309
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:14,440
"And if you think of something sour, it starts getting all tangy in your mouth."

310
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:20,800
"Kind of." "Well, apparently, if you pretend to shake a salt shaker on your tongue, you can taste salt."

311
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:26,840
Now, none of you got this, and neither did I, which is why, for the next 30 seconds, I did this.

312
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:32,360
"Just like this?" "Yeah, just like that." "OK."

313
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:34,400
"It's not working." "Show Mum. Show Mum."

314
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,000
"Mum!" "What?"

315
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,760
"What are you doing?" "I'm trying to taste salt."

316
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:45,360
"Oh, you little git!

317
00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:50,320
It's been a pleasure. I'm Daniel Sloss. Enjoy the rest of the night. Cheers.

318
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:53,160
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

319
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,720
Slossy! Well done.

320
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:57,640
Daniel Sloss, ladies and gentlemen!

321
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:02,160
19 years old!

322
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:03,680
19 years old!

323
00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:11,360
God that winds me up! I went on your...

324
00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:17,760
One of the most optimistic sentences I've ever read in my entire life, "the Glasgow open-top bus tour."

325
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,960
- I went on it yesterday. 
- CHEERING

326
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:23,000
It's quite good. I really enjoyed it, learning about the city.

327
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:26,320
There is this one bit, though, when you're driving down the road, and I

328
00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:30,720
had the headphones in and it said, "on your left is the Glasgow SECC "conference centre,

329
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:34,800
"home of many international conferences and rock events."

330
00:23:34,800 --> 00:23:37,800
Then at the end of the road, the bus turns around and it goes,

331
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:41,120
on your right is the Glasgow SECC exhibition centre...

332
00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:42,800
You can't do it twice!

333
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:52,440
- Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to keep the comedy coming. Are you ready for my next guest?
- Yes!

334
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:56,480
I've watched this man for many, many years. He is absolutely wonderful.

335
00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:58,360
It is a treat to have him here.

336
00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:02,560
Please go wild for the wild man, Mr Craig Campbell!

337
00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:06,120
MUSIC: "Sixteen Tons"

338
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:08,720
' # Another day older and deeper in debt

339
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:12,080
' # Saint Peter, don't you call me, cos I can't go...'

340
00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:15,920
# I owe my soul to the company store. #

341
00:24:17,520 --> 00:24:19,400
How you doing, Glasgow? Nice to be out here.

342
00:24:19,400 --> 00:24:23,080
They were running out of raw meat backstage!

343
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:25,120
I love being in Glasgow.

344
00:24:25,120 --> 00:24:26,680
I love being in Scotland.

345
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:30,400
Part conversation, part puzzle.

346
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:34,800
With always the threat of a head-butt.

347
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:47,600
I'm Canadian of Scottish heritage, of course, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. CHEERING

348
00:24:47,600 --> 00:24:49,440
I do enjoy being in this part of the world, though.

349
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:54,840
Nowhere else like it. You're the only people that will correct me on the pronunciation of my own name.

350
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:56,920
"Nice to meet you, my name's Craig."

351
00:24:56,920 --> 00:24:58,600
"Pleasure to meet you, Craig."

352
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:10,040
And if you're watching this and you haven't been to Scotland

353
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:12,840
and if you haven't been to Glasgow, get yourself up here.

354
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:17,040
There's something that everyone in this theatre knows that you won't know your first time in Scotland.

355
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,080
If you come to Glasgow and you're on Sauchiehall Street

356
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:25,240
at two o'clock in the morning, which if you come to Glasgow you will be on Sauchiehall Street

357
00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:29,320
at two o'clock in the morning. And when you buy yourself a pizza,

358
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:33,320
you will quickly find out that it's everyone's pizza.

359
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:36,400
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

360
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,800
"Go ahead. Enjoy it our pizza, fellas."

361
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:51,120
My mother taught me never to argue with five guys wearing the same shirt.

362
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,000
Nothing panics you.

363
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,280
That's the great thing about the British public.

364
00:26:02,280 --> 00:26:05,200
I'm from a part of the world where people get emotional.

365
00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:08,840
"I wanted cream in my coffee! That's milk!"

366
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:14,360
In John O'Groats to Land's End, the same reaction. Bit of a problem?

367
00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:15,880
Don't let your face know.

368
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:21,560
"Oh, my hair's on fire.

369
00:26:21,560 --> 00:26:24,960
"Bit of a negative development."

370
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:30,560
Have you ever been around Americans when they freak out when there's no problem?

371
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:32,440
"I said pepperoni!

372
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:45,320
"Never made pizza before or something?

373
00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:50,560
"You want someone to hop that counter, show you how to flip pizzas back there?

374
00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:53,400
"You want that going on right here, right now?"

375
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:57,760
"Jesus, man. We were hungry and now we're running from the cops."

376
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:00,760
I always love a good British reaction.

377
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:03,080
"We could remove the mushrooms ourselves.

378
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:09,160
"It's a little bit of free food, as far as I'm concerned.

379
00:27:09,160 --> 00:27:11,840
"You are looking at breakfast.

380
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:15,160
"Oh, my hair's on fire."

381
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:24,600
I just love the fact that you don't...

382
00:27:24,600 --> 00:27:26,960
You don't help anybody out that's not from here.

383
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:30,640
Everybody gets into this place and you got all the same game to play.

384
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:33,280
There's no speed limit signs on the motorways.

385
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:36,040
I don't know if you've noticed, you don't bother to put up signs

386
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:39,400
to inform anyone who perhaps wasn't born among you...

387
00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:46,920
..as to what speed maybe they should be travelling, no?

388
00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:50,680
We've got to try and figure out from how everyone around us is driving

389
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:52,400
what the speed might be.

390
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:54,560
If you asked anybody from another country,

391
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:56,840
"What do you think the speed limit is?"

392
00:27:56,840 --> 00:27:59,400
"I don't know, 110? Is it 110 here?

393
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:02,520
"During the day? Maybe 100 at night. I don't know - what is it?

394
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:04,080
"Surprise me. 70?!

395
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:06,480
"What a surprise, wow."

396
00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:09,880
The speed no-one's doing, that's the one you chose. Good for you.

397
00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:17,680
I love the fact that you don't bother to put up speed limit signs, but you've got a camera every 40ft.

398
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:20,640
And clearly nobody gives a crap about that!

399
00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:24,880
I've never lived amongst such defiance! That's what I'm telling you.

400
00:28:24,880 --> 00:28:30,520
I've never lived among so many people that can actually say, "I don't care any more!

401
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:35,520
"Aaaaaaagh!

402
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:43,600
"I can't believe I still have a licence! Ha-ha!

403
00:28:43,600 --> 00:28:46,040
"It's my car, but whose plates?

404
00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:48,520
"I wonder whose plates they might be."

405
00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:51,680
It's the angst that I love about you, the British angst.

406
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:54,200
Everybody here has a bit of...aaaagh! ..in them.

407
00:28:54,200 --> 00:28:55,960
It's what Canadians have none of.

408
00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:59,360
I don't know if you've been there, but, "I think I hear a parade."

409
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:05,680
"Oh, it's only an ice-cream truck, everybody. Stand down."

410
00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:09,760
The nation I represent.

411
00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:13,240
If you thought the Swedes were a pack of weenies...

412
00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:16,640
And if you didn't, go ahead and visit Stockholm for a couple of days.

413
00:29:16,640 --> 00:29:19,760
"We invented the cheese cutter first."

414
00:29:24,240 --> 00:29:25,760
Take your own life.

415
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:32,320
The Swedes wind me up something fierce.

416
00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:34,560
They probably don't react with the Scots the same,

417
00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:36,400
but for Canadians they wind me up,

418
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:39,760
cos they are the safest people on the planet, and I only know that

419
00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:43,200
because Canadians are the second safest people on the planet,

420
00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:46,520
and we've constantly got Sweden on the phone trying to find out

421
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:49,040
what the next safe thing we should be doing is.

422
00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:50,920
"Hello, Sweden - it's Canada again.

423
00:29:50,920 --> 00:29:54,680
"We're just sitting around the house trying not to hurt ourselves.

424
00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:59,760
"Thought you might have another healthy tip or a pointer."

425
00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:07,440
"If I were you, I would drive during the day with my lights on."

426
00:30:15,560 --> 00:30:18,320
"Sounds like a great idea, Sweden!

427
00:30:18,320 --> 00:30:22,080
"We will implement that as law, immediately."

428
00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:26,560
For 20 years, I've been driving during the day with my lights on by law,

429
00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:30,720
and I brought that habit to live among you for the last 12 years, in the UK,

430
00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:34,480
and I've never lived amongst so many generally mild-mannered people

431
00:30:34,480 --> 00:30:38,400
who will get so infuriated with me for simply driving

432
00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:39,960
during the day with my lights on.

433
00:30:39,960 --> 00:30:42,920
I'm talking every second car. "Your lights are on!

434
00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:44,920
"What the hell's wrong with you?"

435
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:46,720
INDISTINCT

436
00:30:46,720 --> 00:30:49,800
"And he has sunglasses on!"

437
00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:56,960
It drives you out of your mind.

438
00:30:56,960 --> 00:30:58,800
I've actually had a pedestrian...

439
00:30:58,800 --> 00:31:01,320
Whether or not you want to believe this... This is true.

440
00:31:01,320 --> 00:31:06,480
I had a guy on foot, when I was stationary in traffic, physically assaulting my vehicle.

441
00:31:06,480 --> 00:31:08,440
"The lights are on!

442
00:31:09,360 --> 00:31:12,000
"They're on! It's the day!

443
00:31:13,880 --> 00:31:19,840
"That's the sun! It's behind the clouds, but it's on!"

444
00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:29,120
Couldn't be a more spectacular place to perform comedy.

445
00:31:29,120 --> 00:31:32,360
A pleasure to see you, Glasgow. Have a nice life. Take care.

446
00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:37,680
That was amazing.

447
00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:41,960
That was amazing. That was Craig Campbell.

448
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:47,560
That was superb. Mr Craig Campbell!

449
00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:49,800
He's one of you!

450
00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:53,440
Now, it is very difficult.

451
00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:55,720
I cannot swear on my show on the BBC, so...

452
00:31:55,720 --> 00:32:01,360
I just find it very difficult not to swear in Glasgow, because it's a way of life here.

453
00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:05,600
If I needed an example of this, it was at baggage reclaim, where a child,

454
00:32:05,600 --> 00:32:09,640
OK, I'm putting his age between five and six years old,

455
00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:11,280
came up to me and said,

456
00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:15,240
- "Excuse me, are you Michael
- BLEEP
- McIntyre?" What?!

457
00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:22,520
I'm like, "No, my middle name is James."

458
00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:28,800
Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for our headline act!

459
00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:37,400
It gives me great pleasure to introduce him to this stage.

460
00:32:37,400 --> 00:32:41,160
He's had an absolutely fantastic year. He's Glasgow's own.

461
00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:44,440
What can I say? Mr Kevin Bridges, ladies and gentlemen.

462
00:32:49,280 --> 00:32:51,720
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

463
00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:56,680
Hello.

464
00:33:03,880 --> 00:33:07,080
Hello, Glasgow. Yeah!

465
00:33:08,640 --> 00:33:12,360
It's a pleasure to be back on the Comedy Road Show, in Glasgow.

466
00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:14,680
Last series, I was in Edinburgh.

467
00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:16,320
Last series, Edinburgh.

468
00:33:16,320 --> 00:33:19,200
Don't boo. You don't need to boo. They're nice people.

469
00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:24,560
Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, very different cities.

470
00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:28,280
In Edinburgh, when a gun goes off, it's one o'clock.

471
00:33:36,480 --> 00:33:38,480
And we'll leave it at that.

472
00:33:40,640 --> 00:33:43,480
It's good, making a bit of national TV.

473
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:47,480
I've got a regional accent, so I always sound quite severe on national TV.

474
00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:50,280
I never realised I had such a strong accent

475
00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:55,320
until I went to the cinema to see a movie called The Taking Of Pelham 123,

476
00:33:55,320 --> 00:33:58,320
I don't know if anybody went to the cinema to see this movie?

477
00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:02,760
It was pretty deserted, the cinema. I don't think that's a reflection

478
00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:09,600
on the movie itself, more the struggle to obtain tickets in the Glasgow area,

479
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:12,360
with the automated cinema ticket booking line.

480
00:34:13,880 --> 00:34:16,720
They do not do Glasgow accents.

481
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:21,360
I phoned up. It was quite simple.

482
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:26,320
"Welcome to Odeon. Please state which branch of Odeon you would like to purchase tickets for."

483
00:34:26,320 --> 00:34:30,240
Now, that's straightforward, because there's one word in the English dictionary

484
00:34:30,240 --> 00:34:34,560
designed to be said in a Glasgow accent, and it's "Glasgow".

485
00:34:42,080 --> 00:34:45,280
And then I began to encounter some difficulties.

486
00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:51,040
"OK, please speak slowly and clearly, stating the full name of the movie

487
00:34:51,040 --> 00:34:52,920
"you would like to purchase tickets for.

488
00:34:52,920 --> 00:34:56,480
"If you'd like to hear a full list of movies again, please press one."

489
00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:59,040
The Taking Of Pelham 123.

490
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:04,640
"I'm sorry - I didn't quite catch that.

491
00:35:06,080 --> 00:35:09,680
"Please, speak slowly and clearly, stating the full name of the film you'd like to see.

492
00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:12,600
"If you'd like to hear a list of movies again, please press one."

493
00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:14,240
The Taking Of Pel-ham...

494
00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:18,480
..123

495
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:24,840
"I'm sorry..." I just gave up.

496
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:28,040
I thought, I'll show up early and buy my tickets face to face.

497
00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:30,040
Old school ticket-purchasing.

498
00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:37,120
However, I picture some Scottish nationalist who would see this as a form of linguistic repression

499
00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:39,800
and remain on that phone for as long as it took.

500
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:43,080
The Tak-ING...

501
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:47,240
..Of Pel-HAM.

502
00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:49,360
One, two, three.

503
00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:53,320
"I'm sorry - I didn't quite catch that."

504
00:35:53,320 --> 00:35:54,960
English bastards!

505
00:35:54,960 --> 00:35:57,040
APPLAUSE

506
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:07,040
"Thank you. You have chosen Inglourious Basterds, certificate..."

507
00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:13,880
I still live in this city here. I've recently moved out.

508
00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:16,240
I no longer live with my parents, and that's quite cool.

509
00:36:16,240 --> 00:36:20,600
You get a bit of freedom, a bit of independence that you longed for as a young person,

510
00:36:20,600 --> 00:36:25,360
from the very first moment you got your taste of independence, when word had spread

511
00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:31,840
in your school that somebody's mum and dad were going away for the weekend.

512
00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:35,600
And that the person was having a party.

513
00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:39,440
The person never knew they were having a party.

514
00:36:41,280 --> 00:36:45,200
Perhaps "having" would be the wrong choice of word. They were GETTING a party.

515
00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:51,760
When I was growing up, it was called an "empty." That's what we called it.

516
00:36:51,760 --> 00:36:53,800
CHEERING

517
00:36:58,160 --> 00:37:01,640
Which derives from somebody had the house to themselves.

518
00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:04,920
They had an empty house. Thus, they had an "empty".

519
00:37:04,920 --> 00:37:12,320
Now, you mustn't confuse the empty with the high school parties that you see in American movies.

520
00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:18,840
IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Hey, man, do you guys know a kid called Chad Hogan?

521
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:24,000
Yeah, everybody knows Chad Hogan, dude.

522
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:26,920
He's, like, the coolest kid in high school.

523
00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:33,240
Well, Chad Hogan's mom and dad are going away to Long Island for the weekend, man.

524
00:37:33,240 --> 00:37:36,200
There's a party at Chad Hogan's place?

525
00:37:36,200 --> 00:37:38,640
Yeah. Spring break!

526
00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:44,880
Then it shows you Chad Hogan's party.

527
00:37:44,880 --> 00:37:48,200
The guy's booked a band for his living room.

528
00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:55,040
Everybody's nodding with these plastic cups of beer.

529
00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:58,440
Great party, Chad! Yeah! Woo!

530
00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:01,160
A bedroom door swings open. Some guy emerges.

531
00:38:01,160 --> 00:38:04,600
Guess who got to third base last night, yeah!

532
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:07,360
The guy's about 35 years old.

533
00:38:09,480 --> 00:38:13,280
That's not the kind of parties we had. We never had spring break.

534
00:38:13,280 --> 00:38:15,280
We had the Easter holidays.

535
00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:20,240
A lot more tension in an empty.

536
00:38:20,240 --> 00:38:22,480
Somebody's psycho cousin...

537
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:29,560
..would disrupt the ambience

538
00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:36,560
by announcing he'd purchased 12 cans, drank two, spilled one, but only had seven left.

539
00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:43,880
Turn that music off. We've got a can thief. Turn that off.

540
00:38:46,920 --> 00:38:50,240
People are crying with the tension. This guy...

541
00:38:50,240 --> 00:38:55,440
Somebody else in the corner smoking a joint and blowing it into the Labrador's face.

542
00:39:03,680 --> 00:39:06,840
An intelligent dog, as well, and it's sitting there frazzled.

543
00:39:09,720 --> 00:39:11,280
Put a bit in its bowl, eh?

544
00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:13,080
Ah, come on.

545
00:39:13,080 --> 00:39:15,960
Yeah, it's the dog's weekend as well, right? Eh?

546
00:39:17,520 --> 00:39:20,880
Somebody go in the kitchen and get the thing a custard cream.

547
00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:29,320
Another guy just trying on people's jackets.

548
00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:39,640
Do you think this one suits me?

549
00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:44,240
Not even asking does it fit me. Does it suit me?

550
00:39:44,240 --> 00:39:47,440
The guy's a petty thief, but he's also a fashionista.

551
00:39:47,440 --> 00:39:51,720
You need to look your best. The same guy that's leaving the house

552
00:39:51,720 --> 00:39:55,680
at the end of the night, holding a microwave.

553
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:57,960
I think you'll find I brought this with me.

554
00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:06,280
And I don't care for the accusations.

555
00:40:08,160 --> 00:40:10,680
I mean, why would I steal a microwave?

556
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:23,480
Have we got any religious people in?

557
00:40:23,480 --> 00:40:26,960
I don't mean that in a Catholic-Protestant, let's wreck the place... I just mean...

558
00:40:36,240 --> 00:40:38,680
I don't really know. I'm neither religious nor atheist.

559
00:40:38,680 --> 00:40:42,480
I don't have a clue. I think you need to make up your own theories.

560
00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:47,160
At school I would always take religion over science, because science was quite difficult.

561
00:40:47,160 --> 00:40:53,640
You had to remember stuff and read stuff, whereas religion was a laugh.

562
00:40:53,640 --> 00:40:59,760
Just some guilt-ridden woman reading from the Bible to a class full of hyperactive adolescents,

563
00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:04,320
pissing themselves laughing at a cock and balls on the blackboard.

564
00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:12,200
You grow up thinking there's a God and he created the world, and if you live a good life

565
00:41:12,200 --> 00:41:15,160
you go to heaven, live a bad life, you go to hell.

566
00:41:15,160 --> 00:41:19,160
But if there's a God, why is there so much war, corruption and greed in the world?

567
00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:21,320
You need to make up your own theories.

568
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:25,040
I've combined a bit of religion and a bit of atheism,

569
00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:30,960
and came to the conclusion that maybe God created the world, but then he pissed off.

570
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:34,720
He's God - he's going to have more than one property.

571
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:40,360
Maybe he's left us an empty, in the world.

572
00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:51,360
And that's why there's war, corruption and greed -

573
00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:54,520
because all good house parties get a bit out of hand.

574
00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:58,680
Maybe God will come back one day and go, "Look at the state of this place."

575
00:41:58,680 --> 00:42:02,480
You'd have people like Robert Mugabe and George Bush heading for the exit.

576
00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:05,280
We never thought he was coming back. Did you see his face?

577
00:42:05,280 --> 00:42:07,000
He's raging. Did you see his face?!

578
00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:14,680
The Pope's sitting there. The Pope knows he's getting grounded.

579
00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:20,480
I'll speak to you in a minute, Pope.

580
00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:25,200
Ladies and gentlemen, thanks a lot for listening to me.

581
00:42:25,200 --> 00:42:28,280
Have a great week. Good night. God bless. Thank you.

582
00:42:32,800 --> 00:42:34,600
Absolutely fantastic.

583
00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:38,600
Kevin Bridges! Wonderful!

584
00:42:42,520 --> 00:42:44,400
Kevin's obviously had an amazing year.

585
00:42:44,400 --> 00:42:47,760
He did the show last year, and he said that somebody

586
00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:55,040
came up to him the following week in Glasgow and said, "Eh, I saw you on that McIntyre Investigates show."

587
00:42:58,040 --> 00:43:02,320
Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for everyone we've seen tonight.

588
00:43:02,320 --> 00:43:04,960
We had Milton Jones, ladies and gentlemen!

589
00:43:07,640 --> 00:43:09,640
New boy, Daniel Sloss!

590
00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:11,440
We love Daniel Sloss!

591
00:43:11,440 --> 00:43:15,960
The absolutely fantastic Craig Campbell!

592
00:43:15,960 --> 00:43:20,080
And of course, our headliner, Kevin Bridges!

593
00:43:20,560 --> 00:43:23,440
Thank you very much. Good night.

594
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:25,480
Bravo! Thank you.

595
00:43:25,480 --> 00:43:27,520
Thank you, Glasgow.

596
00:43:27,520 --> 00:43:29,760
Thank you.

597
00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:40,800
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

598
00:43:40,800 --> 00:43:43,840
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk